Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Season 8: Week 3: Griswold’s Nut-busters Vs. Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions

Griswold’s Nut Busters are Zombie Thanos, Onslaught, Nova (Sam Alexander), Circle of Fire: Pel Tavin, Hunter Rayner & Forest Rayner, Star Sapphire #3, Ras Al Ghul, Riddick (In an Arwing) The Mighty Jackin Power Slackers, The Shining Force: Mini-Pipes, Livewire, The Goddess of the Moon, Super-Hero, Heat Man, Cowboy Man, Bear, Stephanie, DOS, P.C., Go-Bot #1 & 2, Droid Fighter Ship #15 & 16, Dementor #1, War Skrull #7, Skrull #22, Vampire #31-40.

Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions: Black Lantern Silver Surfer, Apollo, Helios, Kingdom Come Jade merged with Ion, Cyborg Superman, The Spectre, Phoenix Force: Cyclops, Collossus, Emma Frost & Magik and Supergirl (Ariella Kent), Guns N Roses, Trey & Corazon (from the movie Sunshine), Ron Jeremy & Goldmember.

NPR Broadcast

Today on Fresh Air, we are going to be discussing race relations in 21st century United States culture. It has been over 50 years since the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and in that time, we have made great strides towards equality in this country. Still, the fight for that equality is far from being finished. In our series on Civil Rights progress through the years, we have discussed many different issues from employment equality to the overall change in thought in regards to race.

Last week we discussed one of the most heinous gaffs of the last fifty years, one of which involved somebody in the cabinet of a United States President. In possibly the most well- known gaff of the last forty years, former US Secretary of Agriculture, Earl Butz made comments about African Americans that forced him to resign his position. On a flight back from the 1976 Republican National Convention, Butz made a comment about what ‘he’ saw as the only things “Colored’s” as he put it, wanted.

The comments were a sad indictment of how far we still had to come as a society before we could consider the fight over with. Still though, in 2015, a time in which we have elected an African American to the highest position in the country, not once, but twice, we still see things like our topic today, that show us that perhaps we are not as far along in this process as I would like to assume.

In the very popular organization, The Fantasy Fantasy League, an organization that has been lauded in the past for its inclusion of every creature in the known Universe, has recently come under fire. The controversy surrounds a group of men that have entered in this year that not only fill the spot of every racial and cultural stereotype you could think of, but they also celebrate and exploit it. The Mighty Jackin Power Slackers team incorporates characters that would be exploitive even during the 20’s and 30’s.


Chris Matthews: I am sorry, how could anybody in this day in age condone something this blatantly racist. This team that has been included this year, goes against fifty years of progress in this country and for someone to tell me that I need to lighten up and get a sense of humor, this is all I have to say to you. (Spits toward the camera) Shame on you.

Fox News

Megyn Kelly: You know what I am sick of, the hypocritical people out there having a problem with this Mighty Jackin crew. Get a sense of humor people. They are not doing anything that hasn’t been done and still isn’t being done within the African American community for decades now. If you do not like it, fine, but please stop talking about shutting the organization down and acting like this is anything but some people taking a poke at the ignorant racial stereotypes that has existed for years in this county. Here’s the real thing people, they are not taking this serious, so guess what, either should you.

Conan O’Brien

Earlier this week, filmmaker Michael Moore blasted the Fantasy Fantasy League for the racially insensitive team called the Mighty Jackin Power Slackers. He said they perpetuated every awful racial stereotype this country has to offer. He also called for the banning of the Fantasy Fantasy League organization and blasted its Organizer, Joshua Houslander, for allowing such a thing. In other news, Michael Moore’s heart came out this week and blasted Michael Moore’s mouth in a statement saying “Dude you call that team offensive, what do you call five chili dogs a day for three decades? I call it the worst travesty since Somalia.”

At the Griswold’s Headquarters

Josh Houslander: Okay you guys, I am getting blasted out there. I am not going to give into the critics but I have to do something about you guys.

The Black Slacker: Well boss, what you want us to do?

Josh: You guys have to cool it off for a while. Is there is any way you cannot be, how do I put this, is there any way you guys cannot be so ignorant. If I am going too fast for you I apologize. That means I am sorry by the way.

The Colored Slacker: Well I don’t know boss, we are just too stupid to even know what you are talking about.

Josh: Okay, I will try to see what I can do.

The Brown Slacker whispers something under his breathe, something that makes the Even Blacker Slacker yell at him quietly to shut up. A small argument ensues that eventually leads the Black Slacker to speak up.

The Black Slacker: Are you serious Josh?

Josh: Yes I am serious, I really need you guys…

The Black Slacker: No, I mean do you really think we are so stupid that we don’t understand what you are talking about?

Josh looks at them all with great confusion.

The Black Slacker: You honestly think a group of black men in this day in age would still subscribe to something like this?

Josh: Well I guess I don’t know. You all came into this league with these persona’s…

The Black Slacker: We came into this league with these personas because we knew this was the only way we could get in.

The Dark Slacker: We all graduated from MIT three years ago, all six of us in the top ten of our class.

The Brown Slacker: We are all rocket scientists for Christ sake.

Josh: Then why the hell did you guys sell yourselves like this? MIT is about as high as it gets. You should be working for NASA, not sitting here with me.

The Black Slacker: Yeah, well, tell that to NASA.

The Damn Near Purple Slacker: It is a sad fact that we all agree with but even with our educational background in this county, we still could not find anything even as steady as job as a High School Chemistry teacher.

The Brown Slacker: Especially with our student loans.

The Dark Slacker: So instead of toiling away, watching the government take away one grant after another, we came up with an idea that we knew was full proof.

The Black Slacker: Only somebody as smart as us could come up with something so genius as to besmirch everything we are not. So we came up with this team. It is steady work and it helps us continue to work together in an environment that is filled with open minds and technology beyond our imagination.

The Brown Slacker: It’s not our fault that still, in 2015, this country is unwilling to except that a black man, let alone a group of black men could be smart enough to do work that 99% of the world would consider impossible to understand.

The Even Blacker Slacker: It is still the biggest problem with this country. We all claim that we are a post racial society, but the truth is, we just want to pretend like the past never happened and act like everything is normal.

The Brown Slacker: When we all know full well that we are very far from being normal. There needs to be a huge discussion in this country for any of this to ever come to any sort of a resolution and until we have that conversation, we are going to stay in this limbo period that we have been in for over forty years now.

Josh: Well okay then. This is not how I thought this was going to go. (pauses) I honestly do not know what to say. I suppose I am sorry for buying into all of this Brown Slacker.

The Brown Slacker: Please do not call me that ever again. My name is Marcel.

The Black Slacker: I’m Ethan. (Pointing to the Even Blacker Slacker) This is Michael (Now at the Colored Slacker) This is Emmett (At the Dark slacker) This is Kevin (At the Damn Near Purple Slacker) and this is Neil.

Josh: Well okay then. Marcel, Ethan, Michael, Emmett, Kevin and Neil. I want to welcome you guys to the league.

Marcel: We are honestly glad to be here.

Kevin: Seriously, what we can accomplish in this league could be truly groundbreaking. Though it still doesn’t make it right that this was how we came into this league, no matter what the reason we came up with was. But hey, I’m not a fool. It’s just the way it is. Hopefully, one of these days, it won’t be.

Josh: Look though I agree with you on basically everything you have said, I cannot stand when people say that about us. Things have changed you guys, don’t pretend like they haven’t okay. With that being said, I totally understand if you want me to change your profiles.

Ethan: Oh, you can’t change our profiles. Not now.

Josh: Okay, what?

Marcel: Yeah, this information is to not leave this room. If you expose this to the rest of the league, you will have destroyed everything we have been working on.

Josh: Working on? Look, I am getting shit on out there.

Ethan: So you want us to let you off the hook. Tough. We are so sorry that you, a white male are getting crap from other white people. Take it on the chin like we have our entire lives. You don’t hear us complaining about it.

Marcel: You run the league, we work for the Griswold’s. We all have our jobs to do. Now go do yours and we’ll do ours. Let the world think we are stupid, we all graduated from one of the most decorated institutions on the planet and even that hasn’t changed anyone’s opinion of us. If the higher ups in this league can’t take the heat, that’s not our problem. Learn to live with it. Last time I checked, we had a match to prepare for.

Section Z

The funny thing about a blood bath is that it tends to get very messy

Luckily for us today, we are in space. Not exactly an arena that is good with showing stains. Lucky for the space, not so lucky for our opponents.

Not that we didn’t lose some people out there today too, because we did. It just always seems a touch better when at the end of the fight, you happen to be the guy with the W in your corner.

Let’s start from the beginning, it’s the cleanest way to do this. As you can probably tell by now, I survived. In fact, I didn’t do a whole lot today other then take in enough of the match to relay this back to you. I suppose lucky for me and also, now, lucky for you.

It all started with a bang. Given, being in space and all, nobody heard anything. Though I suspect, that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

The illustrious Silver Surfer might only be a Black Lantern, but I can tell you, it sure hasn’t slowed him down any. He came rushing out of the gate like he had something to prove and baby, prove his might he did. The first to come out on the wrong end was those Droid Fighter ships, both of them we gone so quickly that it’s kind of like they weren’t even part of the match. Which for all intensive purposes, they weren’t.

Next on his hit list were The Shining Force. Now given, they are not exactly a space power house, but my Zeus, were they over-matched in this one. It was enough for me to turn my head just out of respect. That poor DOS. He’s a smart guy too. He didn’t deserve anything like that. Stephanie on the other hand, well, she had it coming.

Not that Silver Surfer was the only judge out there dolling out punishment, far from it. That Onslaught, boy oh boy does that guy have it going on. He comes out there, acting like he owns the joint. And boy, own the joint he surely did. That young girl is talented, I can personally attest to that one. Given, she can sometimes be too powerful for her own good, but for the most part, she can handle herself. Unfortunately though, this was not one of those times. Ariella lasted about seven seconds with that guy, which honestly, is six seconds longer then she should have. She put up a decent fight considering. In the end though, that crazy mutant showed everyone who truly runs the Nut-busters.

There’s s saying I heard somewhere, not sure where, but it goes something like this, “Vampires and the Sun, not best friends”. Okay, so maybe it’s not exactly a saying, but it sure as heck is the truth. Those vamps didn’t exactly stand much of a chance out there today, evidenced by the fact that they all lasted about as long as it took me to notice them. I guess immortality isn’t what it used to be.

Not that they were the only ones who fell victim to the sun today because trust me, they weren’t. Those Go-Bot’s along with the Skrull’s didn’t last long either. Not that the sun itself can kill them but when the source of the sun is coming from Apollo, well let’s just say, it’s amazing how many different creatures are allergic to that particular source of sunlight.

Speaking of allergic, that Earl Butz man, if there was an allergy to good sense then he’d have it. Now, it’s not like he had any chance of surviving this match to begin with but to take on Zombie Thanos with nothing other than a porn star and a James Bond villain when you have somebody like Ion on your side, well, let’s say it’s not good sense. The only good thing to come out of it was it finally started something that didn’t stop until this thing came to an end.

Once Thanos finished off with the old timer, he went directly after that crazy Green Entity. This naturally tipped off a fight that involved every ring wielder in the match. Ion is strong, a real strong guy or thing, whatever it is, just not strong enough to take on everyone from Thanos to Nova. Not that it stopped there. Nova was blindsided, a great movie by the way. Man I’ll you what, that Sandra Bullock sure can act. Where was I, oh yeah, Nova. That Nova is one tough dude, tough enough to take out Cyborg Superman right after Ion. A good fight for sure but the Cyborg Supes just didn’t have what it took to take out the Herald of Galactus.

On the other hand, three kills in a row just wasn’t in the cards for him as the entire Phoenix Force crew made quick work of him. That wasn’t all for the Phoenix crew though. They immediately went after Thanos and Ras Al Ghul. Though Cyclops and Magik fell in the fight, Colossus and Emma Frost were just too much for the Zombie and the Ghul.

At the same time not too far away, another fight was getting hot and heavy and I am not just saying that because Apollo was heating it up for everyone involved. Apollo, who doesn’t normally play well with others was teaming up with the Spectre, who seemed to work pretty well together. That Riddick guy who is normally pretty resourceful, didn’t seem to be able to hold his own, even while he was flying in that Arwing. What a great ship that Arwing is. I remember playing Starfox with a buddy of mine on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System back when I was in college. What a great game. Now I may not have actually gone to college or ever played Starfox but I sure as heck love that ship.

You know what that ship doesn’t love, it doesn’t love being attacked by a god and well, another god. After Riddick went bye bye they didn’t stop there. The Star Sapphire should have probably joined her friends in the earlier fight because she sure shouldn’t have been involved in this one. Not her finest hour. Lucky for her though, or should I say her team, the Circle of Fire crew came out to defend her honor. The three of them combining their power is a sight to behold. They killed Apollo with that power, which I never saw coming and even though they all lost their lives in the process, I’d say it was a fair price for them to pay.

Which finally brings us to the end of this melee. Remember that Onslaught guy, Colossus and Emma Frost sure did if only for a brief moment before their lives were forever ended. Might I just say that it was an honor to be on the same team as them, a true honor. I really don’t like saying goodbye to so many friends all the time. Being immortal myself, I have had the opportunity too many times in my day. This is not the time nor the place to get misty-eyed though, so I will power on through.

At this point in the match, I figured it would be pretty straight forward. No more surprises to come my way, but I’ll tell you what man, that Nutbuster’s crew from earth sure surprised me. As far as I knew, they were just a group of working class dudes from the U.S. but from what I saw today, they sure do have some firepower behind them. They were in some sort of makeshift space ship, never seen it before but man did it pack a punch. They also had some sort of weapon at their disposal, one that easily took out that great rock and roll band from the 80’s that I really loved and two dudes that I am still not quite sure who they were. I did hear them talk about Tim Robbins for some reason before they died though.

That Tim Robbins man, you guys ever see the movie Shawshank Redemption? What a great movie. That one scene where he crawled through that sewer of feces in those real nice shoes only to come out on the other side smelling like roses. Man what a great flick. Morgan Freeman really got me in that one. Tewantnejo man, never forget that one.

Where was I, oh yeah, Tim Robbins man. What a great actor. Also that weird spaceship. Those guys really came out for this one. They were sending blasts at the Surfer and the Spectre and it really seemed to have some sort of effect. Onslaught got in on the action as well. All those guys were just going at it, though in the end, I think their ship just couldn’t hold up against such heavy weight champs. It blew up from one of the Surfer’s attacks, which I mean, it’s the Surfer. No reason to feel shame about that one.

That only left the big guns. When I say big guns I really mean it. These guys really know how to bring it. That Onslaught sure doesn’t go down quietly. He was moving in and out of time, confusing the hell out of the Surfer. That dude didn’t know what was going on. So much so that at one point, the Surfer was there and then he wasn’t. Onslaught just pulled that ring right off of his hand like he was taking back a wedding proposal and just like that, no more Silver Surfer. Luckily for me though, the Spectre did some trippy space time thing and literally separated the mutant right in half. For a second there, I was just waiting for him to come right back, like nothing had happened. Thank Zeus though he didn’t.

That just left me alone with my buddy the Spectre, who didn’t seem too pleased with my lack of effort in the match, but I know he was just messing with me. I mean, come on man, you won the match. Nothing to be upset with when a victory is involved.

So I guess that was it. Week three is already over with. How wild is that. We lost some good guys out there today but we have the W to show for it, so it was worth it. Anyways, I had a blast out there today. Can’t wait to fight one of these things again next week.

Week 3: Consortium Match

George Washington's Slaves Vs. The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse

The Slaves are:
-Darth Shemalay (w/ Sith Lavarouk)
-Kryptonian Army Soldier #1
-Aunt May
-Zombie Master Mold (9 deaths).
-Windcharger (8 deaths).
-Lucius Malfoy (w/ Indigo Lantern Ring)
-Santa Claus w/
-Donner &
-Metroid #19
-Metroid #20
-Wedge Antilles in an Arwing
-Cad Bane
-Jor El
-A.C. Slater (w/ a laser gun and Iron Man Armor) (9 deaths)
-Army Soldier #111-115
-Jedi Master #31-33, 36-37
-Jedi Master #3

The Grindhouse is:
-Zombie Doomsday (9 deaths)
-Doomed (teenage Doomsday).
-Destro (w/ red lantern ring).
-Yellow Lantern Bryan Beckerman
-White Suit (grey suit) Anakin Skywalker (8 deaths).
-Cy-Kil (8 deaths).
-Golden Army Soldier #1 (9 deaths).
-Golden Army Soldier #2 (8 deaths).
-Golden Army Soldier #3
-Golden Army Soldier #4 (8 deaths).
-Golden Army Soldier #5 (8 deaths).
-Starman (8 deaths).
-Guy Gardner: Warrior (w/ blue lantern ring).
-Sith Lord Mike Sroka (Darth Timmellus).
-Warwolf #10
-Treat Heart Pig (9 deaths).
-Gremlin #1-2
-Snow Trooper #10-17

It was another close one!!

In a vote of 3 to 2.....

Season 8 Week 2 Standings

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Season 8, Week 2: Layanderletson's Super Orange Kitties And Cats Living Together To Make A New Family vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

The Super Kitties are: The Jokester, The Harley Quinn Monkey, Speedy, Mas, Menos, Meta Knight, Manic the Hedgehog, Sonia the Hedgehog, Starfire, Terra, Batgirl (Betty Kane), Iggy Koopa, Larry Koopa, Neytiri, M. Bison, Jacob Black w/Star Sapphire Ring, Sam, Paul, Jared, Quil, Goblins 8 through 10 and 41, and Vampires 75 through 80.

The Murderflies are: Ace the Bat Hound, Female Dr. Light, Wonder Twins Jayna and Zan, Doctor Doomsday, The Maxx, Julie, Raiju, Scunner, Slattern, Captain Caveman, Quick Draw McGraw, Ace Duck w/Blue Lightsaber, and Goblins 21 through 30.

Deep in the Kokiri Forest, the Great Deku Tree was feeling less than great. He wasn't sure if it was indigestion, root rot, or a giant chitinous cyclops spider nesting in his bowels. A fairy he sent to seek help found a group of travelers crossing the bridge to the village. "Hey! Listen!" It squeaked at them. "The Great Deku tree has fallen ill, he doesn't have much time! Come wi-". Harley the Monkey swiped the fairy out of the air and gobbled it up for its pure protein. "Harley, you murdered that fly!" the Jokester joked. "Ha, no, but... eating the needy is bad. No banana for you tonight!" A disappointed look crossed the monkey's face. "Sounds like this Great Deku Tree is in trouble" added Batgirl, Master Detective. "Maybe if we help him he could help us find the Murderflies." The Murderflies, minus three enormous kaiju, were having some trouble finding their way through the lost woods. "Why did we come in here? We're all going to starve before we find our way out!" shrieked Goblin 27. "And where the hell are the three big guys we were supposed to have?" Frustrated, Doctor Doomsday knocked the wind out of the it with a light kick. "We all heard the music, it could have been the enemy. We all tried to follow it. If this dog wasn't so useless he could have lead us back, I didn't expect Batman to be such a poor trainer." Jayna comforted the Bat Hound as he laid on the ground exhausted. "You pushed him too hard, the poor thing is dehydrated. We need to find some... hey, Zan, I have an idea." He understood uneasily. "Sounds horrifying but I guess it's the only way." They fist-bumped heroically and Jayna took the form of herself. Zan took the form of a puddle in front of the thirsty hound, being lapped up within moments. The life of one for the good of the many, as Spock once said. Rest in peace, Leonard Nimoy. Rest in peace, Zan.

Back in the forest village, the Super Kitties were having some trouble getting to their destination as well. A little green man was blocking the trail, insisting "nobody sees the Great Deku without a sword and a shield! Your sword doesn't count either, little metal guy, it's more about increasing sales at the shop and making the quest seem longer." Offended, Meta Knight drew his weapon. "YOU'RE calling ME little, shorty?" He slashed at the Kokiri but the blade seemed to repel a few inches away. "Nice try, pipsqueak, but you're not the first to pull that crap. I've been holding up eager adventurers since the 90's, they ALL want to kill me."

"Well, what now? We COULD have afforded gear if Manic and Speedy didn't shoot up all our rupees" Terra said accusingly. "I think I know a way. Give me 30 minutes" said Jacob. 20 minutes later, he returned with equipment and a face full of lipstick stains. "Easy enough, I just had to help some green haired midget chick with some household chores for a few rupees." The team made their way to the Deku Tree, who was beginning to wither from his affliction. "O Legendary Heroes, please come into my mouth and fight off the evil that taints me." No later than he opened his mouth-door, a bestial roar came from within and the ground began to quake violently. The Tree and the earth around it burst apart and from deep underground Slattern, Scunner, and Raiju arrived. The Murderflies could hear the cacophony, and with Ace rehydrated by Zan's noble sacrifice they began making their way out of the woods. But by the time they reached the village, there was hardly a village left. Scunner and Slattern were crystallized by violet light, but the Super Kitties had suffered too many losses in the surprise attack to handle all three of the monsters and only Raiju remained on the battlefield, partially and agonizingly crystallized. He continued his rampage and fissures tore the ground. "I think we won, why isn't that thing stopping?" Ace Duck shouted unaware of the enormous tree toppling over on him from behind. Doctor Doomsday, just about fed up with his day of wandering the woods, was ready to take care of the situation before it got any worse. He ran beneath Raiju and with one powerful vertical leap he crashed through the crystallized portion of the beast and shattered its body to steaming bits. Soaked in gore, he turned and gave an intense stare to his team. He reached into a pocket in his cloak and pulled out a single milk bone. "Good dog, Ace. Lead us the hell out of here."

Monday, March 2, 2015

Season 8: Week 2: The Empire vs Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse

The Empire is Paddle (Immell #4) w/Green Light Saber, Bill O’Reilly w/Zapper & Proton Pack, Bill Kelly:Dark Jedi Master w/Blue Light Saber, Energy Bow and Arrow & Plumb Hammer, Eugene “Butch” Aaron Griswold w/Trusty Estwing Hammer, Chris Benoit w/Bottle of Xanax, Mike Huckabee w/Green Lantern Ring, Catarine Towani w/Pokeball (Jiggly Puff), Jeremitt Towani w/Laser Sword, Mace Towani w/Laser Gun, Cindel Towani w/Star Wand, Sorceress of Castle Greyskull w/Indigo Lantern Ring, Hordak w/Yellow Lantern Ring, Justice Force: Metal Head w/2 Green Light Sabers, Shinning Force: Mayonais w/Atlas, Shinning Force: Ryan w/Halberd, Shinning Force: Thor w/Heat Axe, Cordelia Chase, El Blanco, Magius, Nightbrother #8, Army Soldier #141, Snow Trooper #18-24 & Pirate’s #9 and 10.

Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse is Minnie Mouse w/Star Wand, Leon Kennedy, Slimer, Super Dinosaur, Destro w/Red Lantern Ring, White Suit Darth Vader, Golden Army #41-45, Jake and the Neverland Pirates (Jake, Cubby, Izzy and Scully), Merlin, Widget the World Watcher, Grand Wizard Nick Houslander w/Golem creating gun and flesh eating disease gun from the 6th Gun and Moritani Soldiers #2-11.

Have you ever had an itch…an itch you could not scratch?

(The forest is completely engulfed in flames)

A feeling that lingered in the back of your mind, one that would never leave you alone.

A simple thought that kept you up at night, reminding you of your past…a past you cannot escape, regardless of the years.

(A dark figure walks through the flames, covered in soot and ash, ignoring the corpses littering the forest floor)

You scratch all you want, searching for a way to quell the annoyance, yet still, the itch remains.

The itch is then ignored, almost forgotten, but every time you close in on peace, there it is again; never actually going away.

(Grindhouse and Empire members alike comprise the charred landscape, the caped figure in grey glides through the once majestic forest as if he is right at home)

Until one day, you remember not where the itch is, but why the itch is there to begin with.

So instead of trying to ignore the itch, you embrace it. Allowing it back in. Letting it take over. Turning that annoyance into comfort, the comfort of knowing, once and for all, who you really were all along.

(Flashes of Golden Army Soldiers ripping apart the Shinning Force members, Merlin eviscerating both Eternian’s and Super Dinosaur blowing the Towani family to pieces ripple throughout the recent consciousness of the forest’s memory)

Embracing that inner itch brings back memories that were once forgotten, actions that you told yourself were among the biggest regrets’ of your life.

(The Empire’s Hammer brothers tear the Neverland Pirates apart, only to see themselves being blown to red mist by an arm’s dealer with endless means. A former Wrestler and a News anchor crushing a mouse and a ghoul, while a Grand Wizard turns the metal hair of an opponent into a meat grinder that shreds the flesh of a beautiful woman and a wise mage)

The inner turmoil initially returns and reminds you of why the itch appeared in the first place. The struggle that has kept you on the ‘right’ path seems worthy at first, then after a moment, you come to realize that all it have ever done, is keep you from being the person you were always born to be.

(Golden Army soldiers run through the Wrestler and the Anchor along with the Nightbrother, as the Politian and the Clone blast apart the shape shifter and the officer. All the while, the Grand Wizard and the Arthurian legend set the forest ablaze, taking with it everyone but two Golden soldiers, the man with means and a hand full of Holtzman shield carrying men.)

So when the inner fight concludes, leaving you victorious, you finally find the peace you have been searching for ever since you started. Transforming you into something pure, something that can never be defeated.

(The grey soot covered figure comes upon the last living member of the Empire, stopping just before him, without laying a finger on him)

Mike Huckabee: (Coughing with severely labored breathing) But I thought (cough) you were good (cough).

(As Vader chokes the governor without needing to lift a finger, he turns to the remaining living members of his team)

Good is only but a label. Pure is a state of mind.

George Washington's Slaves Vs. Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches

George Washington’s Slaves are Paul Bunyan w/ Babe the Ox, Juan Sanchez Villa Lobos Ramirez, Crocodile Dundee, Cad Bane, Spiderman w/ Aunt May in The Spider Buggy, Fernus, Superman, Ki Adi Mundi, Jedi Padawan #33, and Starship Trooper #88-96.

Beckerman’s Backyardigan’s: Beeyatches are Predator #17, 20-25, & 28-32, Fremen #51-54, Elven Soldier #11-12, and Xenomorph#81-84.

“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one”.

-Albert Einstein.

Originated in Plato’s Republic within his allegorical discussion of those chained within the darkened cave, expressed later by Putnam in 1981 with his writings on the “brain in a vat”, made apparent in pop-culture by movies such as The Matrix, and brought into an enlightened and modern realm by scientist and philosopher, Nick Bostrom; The Simulation Theory holds several undeniable truths about our own reality, as well as the reality of that of our future selves. If we are to believe that advanced civilizations will at some point run ancestor simulations and create simulated realities to fit the needs of their own entertainment than we must believe that the probability of us, or other personalities locked within other realities are more likely to be simulated than non-simulated. It would be pertinent to believe that other civilizations would eventually follow the same path. Even the most brutal and/or recreational minded persons would eventually adopt a more Progressive attitude which would inevitably lead to the outlawing of the most basic needs of a well-developed culture. Should this be true, how would a society go about fulfilling several millennia of suppressed want, simply because modern politics and culture should dictate that it has become increasingly inappropriate. As cultures become exponentially more innovative and dependent on technologies, a phenomenon could arise wherein culture’s most lackadaisical forms of entertainment could come to emulate their most primitive forms of survival.

Perhaps a simpler way to put this question would be……. Do Predators play video games??

If they did, and could have access to a perfect, tried, and true video game setting such as Hyrule, imagine if they could interject a likeness of themselves into said game and act out levels of hunting prey that were never possible, even for their most skilled ancestors.

As The Slaves are dropped into the forested landscape and regroup, it becomes apparent that they are surrounded by those who do not wish the best for them. They first stumble upon the enormous gutted corpse of Paul Bunyan and his blue Ox Babe. The Ox was obviously made into an exquisite meal, while Paul’s large body was simply placed as an example of who not to mess with. Some neon colored blood remnants were found on the axe hand of Paul (though his axe was taken probably as a trophy). This led the Slaves Squad to believe that at least one of the combatants was killed before Paul and Babe were so savagely murdered. Next, they came upon the body of Fernus. This extremely powerful character was strung up in much the same manner. More Predator blood was found; but not nearly as much Martian blood. Superman calls his squad together to regroup and decides that they will wait out these strange occurrences until morning.

Ki Adi Mundi discusses battle strategy, the force, and the way of the universe with his new padawan Sirch Pirtra (Jedi Padawan #33). The padawan speaks to his master: “Master Mundi, I realize that we have only been together for a matter of weeks; but what you have taught me already has shown me insight into the force that I never thought possible”. “You will do well my young padawan. I foresee you will become a powerful Jedi, and your leadership skills surpass mine already. The way you control your Starship Troopers, is better than some of the top Jedi Generals ever led their Clone Armies. You will do well my apprentice, and I foresee that we will be victorious in this battle”. Says Ki Adi Mundi.

The digitized dawn comes over the forest of Hyrule as morning becomes reality. The Slaves stand at the ready; but the forest that they all know will soon erupt in battle seems quiet….. Too quiet. Spiderman’s spidey sense tingles as does the force within Master Mundi and Sirch. “The pawns will come first”. Said Sirch.

At that moment four Xenomorphs rushed on to the scene, no doubt captured prey of the Predators, used for little more than hunting dogs. Fremen come with a full frontal attack, while The Elven Soldiers who are supposed to give ranged support are both beheaded where they hide by the blade of Juan Ramirez.

Spiderman lets Aunt May take the wheel of The Spider Buggy, while Crocodile Dundee drinks a Fosters in the back seat. Xenomorph #82 gets run over by the buggy, while Spiderman uses his web shooters from within the safety of the vehicle to constrain and eventually crush the Aliens in place.

Master Mundi’s Padawan bravely leads the charge against The Fremen; but the warriors prove to be even better than expected. Only three of the four desert warriors fall at the hands of the superiorly armed Starship Troopers. With one remaining (#51) and The Starship Troopers dead as well, Sirch Pirtra approaches The Fremen with his mind intent on retribution. “You killed my troopers; but your attack ends here” says the padawan. The Fremen retorts: “Those men of the desert were tribesman, and I their Naib. There water may belong to this cursed forest; but their memory will serve as my reason for vengeance, oh wielder of las. It is still but a blade held by a lesser fighter” The Fremen then slowly reveals his crysknife and utters the sacred dueling phrase of the desert to his worthy opponent: “May your balde shatter and crack”. The two go at each other with vengeance; but despite Pirtra’s superior knowledge of the universe, he is still mismatched in shear ferocity. As the padawan swings his blade for a headshot, the Naib ducks out of the way and delivers his crysknife into the chest of his opponent. “NOOOOOOOO” screams Ki Adi Mundi as he rushes the Fremen killer of his apprentice and quickly removes him of his head. Mundi falls to his knees in despair at the loss of his padawan; but he stands up shortly after with a renewed level of mental strength. The padawan gasps for air, as he looks to his master, with blood coming from his mouth says: “Thank you Master, you showed me the way, though I wish…… I wish I could have become a Jedi Knight to honor your teachings even more”. Life seems to fade from Sirch when Ki Adi Mundi reignites his lightsaber and says to his padawan: “You have certainly passed the trials today my apprentice”. Mundi places the lightsaber on either side of the humanoid padawan’s head and says: “By the right of the Council, by the will of The Force… Dub you I do… Jedi, Knight of The Republic”. As his apprentice dies a fulfilled Jedi, Mundi seems lost in his thoughts when he looks to Superman for a friend in what could be construed as the goodness of just revenge. But it is Cad Bane who looks up at the Jedi Councilman and Kryptonian champion and speaks: “I’ve picked up their trail. They may be invisible, but we can track them. They are about seven hours out. How do you feel about taking the offensive”. Ki Adi seems upset at the situation and anxious as to what members of his team may think, until Superman’s words and the agreeable body language of the rest of his squad bring forth a smile. Superman says with conviction: “Then tonight, we hunt the hunters”.

And hunt they did. With resolve and success. And without losing one more member of their squad. They did it for their friends, they did it for The Slave that could have been, and they did it because winning was not just the will of the team but the will of the force.

Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions Vs. TEAM

TEAM is Gannon, Treebeard, Beorn Gil-Galad, David Parks w/ Mitchell, and Shaylee, Edward Cullen, Bella Cullen, Bella Swan, Leah, Seth, Jane, Felix, Valkyrie #8, and Mummy #1-10.

Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions are Sasquatch, Thundarr the Barbarian, Beast Boy, The Battle Toads: Rash, Zitz, and Pimple, Ent #1-4, Animal Man, and Borg #1-10.

Joshatu: Hey… Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. WAKE UP you A**hole. Pogo, wake up.

Pogo: Whaaaaaaaaat??!!?? What?? What do you want??

Joshatu: Get out of bed, you have a match to watch.

Pogo: Noooooo, you said the season was over; and that I could sleep through the off-season, so there!

Joshatu: You did. It’s Season 8, in fact it’s week 2. Now get to it.

Pogo: CRAP BAGS!!.......................................

Well, evidently the next season has started, the people are waiting, this super-duper important match needs watching, and it has been left up to yours truly: The Neon Master Pogo (Recognize).

So, here I am, ready to rock per usual. These two teams put up some TOTES good squads and it is really gnarly to be here in Hyrule. This is my favorite of all the digitized forests in all the multiverses; but as usual, I showed up a little late and this match is already in progress.

Sasquatch seems to be battling with the oldest living being in Middle Earth Treebeard, while Thundarr the Barbarian is rushing at Gannon, who stands at the ready with his massive sword in hand and an ever-growing confidence due to the home field advantage of Hyrule. I think the Borgs are fighting The Mummies, Beast Boy and Beorn are morphing into junk, The Battletoads are deciding whether to stomp Edward’s crew or Dave’s, The Ents are getting gnawed on by a bunch of Twilight sissies, and Gil-Galad is being driven crazy by Animal Man in all his silliness.

It seems like Borg #1-10, are doing a bunch of high tech stuff that isn’t going over that well in the forest; but they are just going up against a bunch of mummies. The Borgs seem to be getting the better end of the fight; but the mummies do seem to hurt the high tech Borgs to some degree by biting them, or dusting on them, or unraveling on them, or whatever it is they do. But in the end the Mummies all die, and so do The Borgs when Valkyrie #8 uses her shield protected, knife moves to finish off the last six remaining Borg.

Animal Man uses his ability to take on dozens of forest friendly animals in a matter of minutes to defeat the extremely skilled Gil-Galad. Gil swings and misses Animal Man, who uses cheetah speed for the evade and then follows with gorilla strength for the killing blow to the head.

The Ents take forever discussing how they are going to fight the extremely easy battle between Leah, Seth, Jane, and Felix. The Twilight dorks feel right at home with this lack of action and all 8 competitors travel into the forest together so they can do that what is most dear to them. All 8 of them spend the next 100 years slowly dying of boredom.

Dave Parks convinces his brother and his girlfriend via a whole bunch of pencil (pensil) dick talk that they can totally take The Battletoads because they have played the game a bunch of times and he is really good at it. Dave and his buds rush in like a true trio of diabolical fruitcakes; but The Battletoads go all big foot and big fist on them and finish them off. Edward, Bella, and Bella rush the Battletoads next. Pimple, the most useless of the toads, known mostly for being captured during the whole first video game proves that he is not as useless as Bella Swan. He crushes her non-vamp a** into the ground but he then gets his neck twisted off by Edward, while Rash cracks the neck of Bella Cullen while she is simultaneously ripping out his jugular vein with her teeth. Edward then breaks the toad face of Zitz to finish of the Toad trio.

Beorn may be one of the greatest and most powerful characters in Fantasy literature history; but Beast Boy has been a star in at least three tongue and cheek cartoons, so guess who is going to come out on top in this skirmish. Beorn gets all growly, but Beast Boy gets all “9 deathy” and turns into an elephant to take a green power dump down the throat of Beorn the Shapeshifter after he finishes him off.

Treebeard takes a beating from Sasquatch; but he proves to be more than durable as he finally gets a hold of The Alpha Flight member and crushes the life out of him.

Thundarr on the other hand, may give every dude in the room a boner as he rushes towards Gannondorf with his glistening ripped abs showing off; but Gannon starts being all like “embodiment of pure evil blah blah blah”. And Thundarr then gets croaked pretty quick with a mystical broad sword to the face.

Beast Boy then kangaroo punches Valkyrie #8 in her face a bunch of times, before doing his patented brontosaurus drop on Edward before he can get all angsty. Treebeard then finally clothelines Beast Boy just right while in his velociraptor form to crack his neck.

Animal Man then uses his beaver skills to pretend like a beaver is actually a tough animal and he jacks up the top dogg Ent Treebeard until he is finally taken out by Animal Man.

Pogo then pretends like he didn’t just bring up beavers, just so he could say beaver and chuckle about it. Gannon uses his mystical powers to finish off Animal Man and retain his dominance over the land.

Pogo then goes back to sleep, while the rest of the league pretends like this garbage match never happened and hopefully ignores the fact that these two great squads did not get the match that they deserved.

Oh well……..

Season 8, Week 2: Miley Cyrus and Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos vs The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets

Miley Cyrus and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos are Jared Nomak w/ Despotellis’ Yellow Lantern Ring, Tracksimus Prime, Warpath, Movie Blackout w/ Atrocitus’ Red Lantern Ring, Darth Binks, Bellatrix LeStrange, Judah Ben Hur w/ White Lantern Ring, The Dinobots: Grimlock, Slag, Snarl, Sludge, & Swoop, The Susperia Clan: Madame Blanc, Miss Tanner, Helena Markos & Susperia Witch Coven #1-5, Tenderheart Bear, Gungan Soldier #13, and Vampire #5-10, #71-74.

The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets are Link, Lolo, Bizarro Mr. Mxyzlplkt, The Eradicator, Haldir w/Mithril Vest & Green Lantern Ring, Tom Bombadil w/ Alan Scott’s Green Lantern Ring, Jolly Green Giant, Sprout w/ Green Lightsaber, The Farmer, Velociraptor #21-23, Wicked Witch of the East w/ Orange Lantern Ring, Hammer Bros. Shaun Poteracki, Zombie Robert Hudson on Nazgul #9's Mordor Horse and Goblin #51-60.

“I have fought within these forests more times that I care to remember. The night is always a dangerous time to be within these trees. Lucky for me I have brought some back up.” 

The trees rustle as a giant pushes past them. 

“I can smell them, Link. There are eight, maybe ten of them,” says the Golly Green Giant.

“I miss the days where your namesake ran true old friend,” replies the protector of Hyrule.

“Link my boy, I have seen too many of our friends lost to in this miserable life we have been thrust into. I apologize, but there just isn’t much to be ‘jolly’ about anymore,” says the Giant. 

Two Vampires leap out from the trees, fangs exposed. There is a hum behind them followed by a quick green glow that relieves them both of their heads.

“Come on Jolly Green. We just won a championship. You’ve got a lot to still be jolly about!” Sprout says as Vampire #71 and #72’s limp bodies crumple to the ground. 

The emerald behemoth sighs as his compatriot shows little remorse for the lives he just sent to the Graveyard. Link hears the faintest crack, draws his Bow of Light and fires three Light Arrows into the trees. Flashes of brimstone and fire bursts in the thick foliage as screams are heard.

“Three more of these vamps down, let’s move. We’re being watched,” Link says to his team. 

The five remaining Vampires charge after Link and Sprout. An angry bellow is let out from the Golly Green Giant as he slams his foot down, crushing the five Vampires. 

The three of them double back and meet up with the rest of their team. Tom Bombadil uses his mastery of magic, along with his mystical Green Lantern Ring to form lassos around the three Velociraptors. 

“These Commandos are not to be trifled with,” Haldir states. 

“Thank you for stating the obvious elf. I’m surrounded by elves. Feh,” quips the Eradicator as he floats solemnly above the rest of his team, ignoring whatever plans they continue to work out. 

Haldir’s Green Lantern Ring begins to glow as he turns his gaze upon the Eradicator.

“Ignore the Kryptonian, Haldir. He’s one to talk. There’s more of them out there than there are of us,” Link says as he places a hand on his brethren’s shoulder. “We have bigger things to worry about.”

“Link. Send the Goblins. Let them stir up some trouble,” Haldir responds to his teammate. 

Link gives the word to his team of Goblins. They growl and beat their armor as they race off into the forest, leading the charge. They hack and slash through the brush, making all sorts of noise. They then come to a sudden stop as they hear something that frightens them. Several loud, thunderous, metallic roars. The Dinobots come crashing through the trees and rip through the Goblins as if they were insects. 

“Holy crap. The Dinobots,” Hammer Bros. Shaun Poteracki says to himself in a sense of astonishment and admiration. He pulls his hammers out, reddening himself for battle. Unfortunately for him, he is impaled by the spikes on Snarl’s tail. With his last dying breath the Poteracki Hammer Bros. goes “Huh. That’s so cool.”

“Commandos attack!” exclaims Trackimus Prime as the Suspira Witch Coven, led by Madame Blanc swarm the Traveling Sisterhood (though, with the exception of the Raptors….. there’s not a female amongst them…. Well except for maybe Zombie Rob Bartlett.). Tom and the Wicked Witch throw up a green and orange force field, deflecting the magical and lantern energy blasts. The Wicked Witch’s cackle mixes in the air with the Suspria’s own cackles. The laughter annoys Bombadil. This actually in turns makes him begin to laugh himself.

“What are YOU laughing about little man?” exclaims his teammate, the Wicked Witch. 

“Normally I’M the one who’s doing the annoying! Hahaha!” he responds. 

This statement makes the Witch of the East cackle even louder. Together they control their energies together and blast the Witch Coven back. Suspiria Witch #4 and #5 are eviscerated by this controlled burst. Miss Tanner is the first to retaliate and knocks Tom Bombadil backwards as Helena Markos leaps on the Wicked Witch.

“Oh such a shame. You should have been one of us. Pity,” she grows as Red Lantern energy foams from her mouth.

“Hahahahaahaha. I like that ring of yours,” the Wicked Witch of the East maniacally laughs as she puts a hole through the chest of the old woman. She reaches for the Red Lantern ring, but it shoots off to the Commandos’ locker room before she can claim it for her own. “Nooooooo!!! It’s mine!!!”

“No…. It’s ours.” Madame Blanc says as she drops a house made purely of yellow energy on top of the Wicked Witch of the East.

“Now, now, now. That wasn’t very polite of you,” Tom Bombadil says as he uses his immense magical abilities to tear Madame Blanc from the inside out. 

“Sisters!!! End him… NOW!” Miss Tanner exclaims as she and the three remaining Suspiria Witches merge on Tom Bombadil. 

“Avada Kedavra!!” shouts Bellatrix LeStrange as she arrives to aid her sisters of the spell. 

The Killing Curse hits Tom square in the chest, but he is too powerful to be taken down by a single incantation. All five witches focus their attack on him, but he continues to withstand.  He focuses himself as he sings. “Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow; Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow” over and over again. He lets out a powerful green burst that blinds all around. This sacrifice takes out all the remaining witches. 

Meanwhile, Bizarro Mr. Mxyslplkt is trying everything he can to penetrate Judah Ben Hur’s white lantern energy. Lolo hops in to try and help, but Ben Hur creates a chariot drawn by a team of horses made up of pure white energy and crushes his foes beneath their hooves. However, what he did not see coming was, Link from behind. He impales Ben Hur with the Master Sword. The chariot dissipates as Ben Hur’s soul leaves this plane of existence and passes on to the Graveyard.

The Raptors, which were once wrangled by Tom Bombadil, are now on the loose. However, flesh and bone dinosaurs are no match for the Dinobots. Swoop flies in and dive-bombs the trio and annihilates them. 

“Me Swoop having fun!” as he rockets back up into the sky.

His fun however is cut short as the Jolly Green Giant knocks him out of the air with a mighty swing of a tree that he has ripped out of the ground. But this hit does not kill Swoop. The Giant is angry and stomps his way closer to Swoop. He hears the whirl of transformation. Grimlock bursts through the trees and tackles the Jolly Green Giant to the ground. He then transforms back into a Tyrannosaurs Rex, opens his massive jaws and engulfs the Giant in flames. Grimlock lets out a monstrous roar as the battle wages on.

Haldir draws his bow and arrow, charges the arrow with green energy and fires it through the mouth of Gungan Soldier #13. A red lightsaber ignites amongst the dark of the night. 

“Usa gonna pay bombad dearly for dis,” growls Darth Binks. 

“Come then Gungan. Please test me,” retorts Haldir as he creates a green energy sword.

The two clash blades, sending sparks into the air. Haldir ducks as Darth Binks angrily swings his lightsaber, cutting a tree in half. The Sith Gungan spins back around and slashes Haldir’s chest, sending him to the ground. Darth Binks moves closer to end this duel, but the elf rolls over and drives his green energy sword through his neck. Link arrives just as Binks falls to the ground. 

“Haldir, I saw that last attack he made. You should have been cut in half!” Link shouts. As he extends his hand to pick his teammate up, he notices the glimmer of Haldir’s Mithril vest. “Well I’ll be damned. That stuff even blocks a lightsaber?!” 

“Lucky for me. Now let’s get back out there. Our team is getting decimated,” Haldir responds. 

As they rush back into battle, they see the crushed remains of the Farmer within a massive robotic footprint. Overhead they see the Eradicator and Movie Blackout are engaged in a hellacious dogfight. Zombie Rob Bartlett rides past them upon Nazgul #9’s horse. The zombie and the horse are then quickly blown away by a blast from Warpath.

“KABLAMMO!!! Now that’s what I’m talking about! ZOOOWIE!!” Warpath exclaims. 

The Autobot tank continues to trek towards the elves. He targets them and fires, but Link uses Farore’s Wind to teleport them both behind the tank. This allows Haldir and Link to gain the advantage on Warpath. Haldir rips the door off the top of Warpath. Link leaps on top of him and tosses a bag of bombs into the exposed hull. The Autobots is blown apart from the inside as the elves continue to give their team a chance, ending his FFL career.

The Eradicator dodges Movie Blackout’s red lantern energy his is spewing out at the Kryptonian. He then takes of full speed and rips right through the helicopter, sending him to the Graveyard. He then turns his attention to the Dinobots below. As the Eradicator engages the team of metallic dinosaurs, Sprout sees Jared Nomack slinking his way towards Haldir and Link. He uses his size to catch the reaper vampire by surprise and relieves him of his head with his lightsaber. 

“Ha. I’m starting to enjoy offing these bloodsuckers,” Sprout says to himself. He is then tackled to the ground by a ferocious Tenderheart Bear. “Ha please. Give me a break,” Sprout says as he cuts the Care Bear into several pieces. 

Trackimus Prime then rolls in, only to be unceremoniously blasted by the Eradicator. The damage is severe. The Dinobots see their Autobot leader gravely injured and leap into action. They all descend upon the ancient Kryptonian quite literally tear him limb from limb. 

“Cough… Damn, never was much of a leader…. Cough,” Trackimus Prime weakly says. “Grimlock. Take the Matrix. Be the leader you were born to be.” 

Trackimus then opens his chest up and passes the Autobot Matrix of Leadership to the commander of the Dinobots. Grimlock places the Matrix within himself and grows only slightly larger than before. His Tyrannosaurs Rex form now features more armor and large fangs. 

“Me Grimlock now….. Grimlock PRIME!!” he roars.

The rest of the Dinobots roar in unison as Link, Haldir and Sprout make their final stand. Valiant to then end the three of them are.  However, they are just too overwhelmed by the rampaging Dinobots. Sprout is crushed by a mighty swing of Sludge’s tail. Haldir leaps out of the way from Snarl, but his ring wielding arm is sliced off by Slag’s sword and is then burned alive by the Triceratops’ flamethrower. Link is the last member of his team standing. With his Master Sword in hand he leaps up at Grimlock, but alas, does not survive the attack. 

The Dinobots collectively roar in victory as they have defeated a formidable opponent.