Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Season Nine: Week 6: Team Sleeping Pussy Vs. John and Vader's House of Sith Aids

Sith AIDS: Boba Fett, Eeth Koth, Younger Avengers: Patriot, Wiccan, Hulkling, Hawkeye, Stature, Speed and Iron Lad, Dust, Indominus Rex, Ima Gu Di, Padawan Anakin Skywalker, Jonia Solo, Darth Maul, Darth Bane, King Cold, Frieza, Cooler and Piccolo.

Team Sleeping Pussy is: Bizarro Superman, Dave Bowman: The Starchild, Sunfire, Johnny Blaze, Wildcat, Brother Blood, Catman, Faker (He-Man), Velociraptor #31-35. Compy #54-58, Miho, Den, The Comedian (Young) and Negan (Walking Dead).


The hot sun poured down upon the barren sand of Jakku, a familiar sight for the young Anakin Skywalker, who grew up in a place similar to this. Amazingly similar you could say, almost like they were the same place.

Anakin: I could have gone a lifetime without coming back here.

Darth Maul: You’ve been here before Anakin?

Anakin: Been here before? I was born here Maul. In fact, it was the first time you and I met. Well, technically it was the first time you tried to kill me.

Darth Maul: That was not on this planet Anakin; that was on the outer rim planet Tatooine.

Anakin: Yes, I am well aware of where we are.

Darth Maul: But we are not on Tatooine, this is the planet of Jakku Skywalker.

Anakin: Jakku, what is a Jakku?

Darth Maul: That is the planet for which we are standing.

Anakin: No Maul, you are mistaken. This is Tatooine. Trust me; I know when I am on Tatooine. I get a sick feeling in my stomach every time I am within ten light years of this place.

Darth Maul: I understand that the similarities are numerous, but I promise you that we are not on Tatooine my young friend.

Anakin: (Laughing) Yeah okay Maul, keep telling yourself that.

Darth Maul: (Shaking his head)

Anakin: Ooh, somebody still doesn’t believe me huh?

Darth Maul: If it will make this conversation come to an end, I will drop the subject.

Anakin: Oh no Maul, you’re not getting out of this one.

Darth Maul: Would somebody else please chime in here and help me. Boba Fett, please tell the boy that we are not on his home world.

Boba Fett: Anakin, I know it looks exactly the same but I promise you this is Jakku, not Tatooine.

Anakin: Okay, fine. Let’s check out the surroundings then.

Anakin points out the moisture vaporators, something that was told to him was on every desert planet they had ever been to. He then convinced them to travel to the nearest outpost they could find. He was convinced it was Toshi Station, a place that he had visited several times with Watto as a young boy.

Anakin: Welcome to Toshi Station everybody, it sure isn’t much, but it looks exactly the same since the last time I was here.

Darth Maul: This says it is the Niima Outpost.

Anakin: Niima Outpost, what the hell.

Anakin looks at the sign coming into what he thought was Toshi Station and starts yelling at anyone who will listen to him about when the name change occurred.

Boba Fett: I almost feel sorry for the kid, though I will admit; this does look a lot like Toshi Station. I’ve been there a handful of times and the similarities are astounding.

Boba Fett walks over to a sandstone wall that has something old etched into it but has over time, been covered up by the harsh sandstorms of Jakku. Boba begins to rub the aged sand off of the wall, uncovering what looks like an old sign or words that have been there for years. After a minute or so of rubbing, he begins to make some progress, uncovering what looks like an S and H.

Boba Fett: Hey Maul, get over here, give me a hand with this.

Darth Maul: Boba, can we please get to the battle, it has been raging for a while now while we follow young Skywalker on his trip down his misguided memory lane.

Boba Fett: Just give me a hand; this will only take a minute.

Darth Maul shakes his head and starts helping Boba Fett with his seemingly useless venture. After several more minutes of wiping sand away from the wall, the old letters begin to form words, words that leave them more annoyed then shocked.

Darth Maul: God damnit, that says what I think it does, does it not.

Boba Fett: Well, it does look exactly like Toshi Station. They must have just changed the name of the planet.

Darth Maul: Planets do not get name changes. Do you know the process it would take for somebody to change the name of a planet, especially a cesspool of a planet like this.

Boba Fett: Well maybe not, like you said, this place is basically hell on earth. Maybe nobody cared enough to keep the name the same.

Darth Maul: Or maybe instead of creating a new planet idea, they just decided to keep everything exactly the same as to not take any creative chance at all, therefore making sure that even if somebody claimed it was unoriginal, they would feel so nostalgic about the idea that they would not have any room to claim otherwise because they had already made it perfectly clear that new ideas were bad ideas and that as long as they gave it a different name, it would appear new, yet not actually new enough to scare anyone away.

Boba Fett: What? I was thinking maybe in the aftermath of the Empire falling, new faction’s renamed planets.

Darth Maul: Oh yeah, that could have happened as well.

Boba Fett: What were you talking about?

Darth Maul: Nevermind. Oh look, here comes Anakin. (Under his breathe) Never thought I would be glad to see him.

Anakin: (Laughing) They changed the name to the Niima Outpost thirty or so years ago after a new crime lord family took over the area. I told you it was Toshi Station. (Sees the uncovered sign on the wall) Oh hey, there it is you guys. I knew there was a sign around here somewhere.

Darth Maul: Yes Anakin, we now believe you. Now can we please join our team back at the battle?

Anakin: I could never mistake the aura of this place. The sand on Tatooine tastes differently then it does everywhere else.

Boba Fett: Tastes differently? Why are you tasting the sand, we ate before we came here.

Anakin: It’s not like I am eating it like a meal, it’s just, well, it always seems to make its way into everything. I mean EVERYTHING.

Darth Maul: (Shaking his head) Can we please move on Anakin. Are you not sensing what I am sensing about our team?

Anakin: Of course I am, very intense feelings I have been getting. See, that is why I hate this place. It always clouds my judgments.

Darth Maul: Then let’s go. Right now. Let’s leave.

The three of them take off toward the obvious battle that has been raging on since they arrived on the planet. After about a half hour of travel, the remnants of a battle littered the ground in front of them, dead bodies lying everywhere.

Anakin: I sense that nobody else is alive on our team, though I do not sense anybody on the other side as well.

Darth Maul: Do not be so sure about that Anakin, I sense something else out there. Perhaps it is not with us right now, but it is still there, that I am certain.

Boba Fett: Do you hear that? It sounds like a wheezing coming from that pile of Velociraptors.

Anakin: Did it occur to you that it might be a velociraptor that is wheezing?

Darth Maul: That is no dinosaur over there, I can sense a chill in the air with each breathe it takes.

The three of them make their way over to the pile of death and find the brutally beaten body of King Cold, barely hanging on to each breathe he took.

Darth Maul: What happened here your majesty?

King Cold: (Cough) We were slaughtering them, the battle (cough) was won. Iron Lad (cough) was on a rampage. (Coughing up blood) Frieza was battling with (cough) the Superman and winning (cough) did win I mean (cough) then, then everything changed.

King Cold then began to convulse and vomit up blood, vomiting to the point where he could no longer speak.

Darth Maul: What happened? What changed?

King Cold attempted to speak one last time but instead of words of warning, the look on his face gave away everything the final Sith AIDS members needed to know. Boba Fett, Anakin and Darth Maul all tentatively turned around and saw nothing to their surprise.

Boba Fett: What did he see? I’ve never seen the King scared in my life and he looked like a child just now.

As Boba finished his statement both Darth Maul and Anakin ignited their lightsabers, a threat beyond even their comprehension in the 
distance.

Dave Bowman: It is remarkable what seeing death will do to the strongest willed of men. Oh well, it is time for us to go now.

Dave Bowman then disappeared as quickly as he had arrived. Boba Fett thought it was a strange move but when he looked at his two remaining team members, he saw both of them with each others lightsabers in their chests. Both Anakin and Darth Maul fell to the ground moments later. Boba then felt his own helmet begin to tighten around his skull. As he attempted to pull it off, he realized that it was starting to crush him. Boba fought with his own helmet as it was crushing his skull, breaking the bones in his face and not before long, he too was lying on the desert floor, blood pooling out from the bottom of his helmet.


The once blood soaked desert was quickly overtaken by the planets heavy winds and not before long, the blood was completely covered with sand. The winds continued to overtake many of the bodies, owning the landscape once more.

S9W6: Real Man's Rabble Rousers vs. The Abomitrons

The Rabble Rousers are: Optimus Primal, Rattrap, Cheetor, Rhinox, Dinobot, Tigatron, Airazor, Silverbolt, Savage/Noble, Nightscream, Depth Charge, Scuba, Big Horn, Big Convoy, Blackarachnia, Vehicle Voltron (Commander Jeff, Rocky, Wolo, Chip, Ginger), Aisha, Clay, Jenson, Pooch, Rogue, and Cougar.

The Abomitrons are: Raleigh and Yancy Becket in Gipsy Danger, Herc and Chuck Hansen in Striker Eureka, Stacker Pentecost and Tamsin Sevier in Coyote Tango, Sasha and Alexis Kaldonovsky in Cherno Alpha, Cheung, Jin, and Hu Wei in Crimson Typhoon, Bruce and Trevor Gage in Romeo Blue, Korvus, Hellion, War: Decimus Furius, Death: Sanjar Javeed, Pestilence: Ichisumi, Famine: Jeb Lee, Ozymandias (Clan Akkaba), Cyclops, Jean Grey (Phoenix version), Angel, Iceman, Beast, and Dai Atlas.


I arrived in the dunes of Jakku to find that neither team had shown up yet. I brought the chipper from the Watcher supply closet, but it's been in such high demand lately that the rental cost me an arm and a leg. While I was in the desert, I found these weird little cacti. Naturally I ate them, because why wouldn't I eat a random piece of fruit on a foreign planet? I was perfectly fine, and after an interesting conversation with one of the giant glowing leprechauns I assume are native to this world, I passed out for 18 straight hours. Dehydrated beyond human limitations, I woke to a gaggle of grotesque animal-robot hybrids. “Wait… Apetimus Prime?” I asked.

“Optimus Primal. Why is the chipper out?”

“I guess ‘cause you won. And good timing, too, it was almost a double-chipper this week before I took that cactus-nap.” Nightscream’s ears perked up. Noble began to growl instinctively at Nightscream's sudden tension. Moments later, the sound became perceptible to all; Crashing thuds, the sound of the ground shaking beneath them, and the clatter of heavy machinery. “Uhg, no”, I lamented, “I spent like, an hour in line to sign the forms for the chipper, and they’ll never give me a refund on the rental fees…” Airazor, ignoring my protests and voiding the return policy on my rental, flew ahead to perform recon on the noise. A few miles out, she passed a large hill obscuring the source of the sound. She turned to return, but was quickly dragged back out of sight by an unseen force. “Alright, do your thing, but make it quick guys, okay? I may or may not be dying from deadly space cactus.” I left to observe from a safe distance, where I could rehydrate and vomit freely. From over the hill, the Abomitron’s hulking Jaegers appeared and began to take formation as they spotted their enemy from across the dunes. “How did they manage to fit that much firepower into 450 points? We're so screwed!” cried Rattrap. “Don't overthink things just y-” Rhinox began, before ending with “HOLY S***, SCATTER!” as a mortar barrage from Coyote Tango launched on their location, killing the aptly-named Losers and poor helpless Death Charge. The Rabble Rousers began to charge their enemy as the Jaegers all opened fire. As Romeo Blue picked off Tigatron, Vehicle Voltron took initiative against the Jaeger threat; they hurled one of Voltron’s leg spears at Romeo Blue, piercing the nuclear core and resulting in a small explosion that killed Bruce and Trevor Gage. When Angel tried flying in for an attack, Silverbolt swooped by and grabbed him by the ribcage in his jaws. Angel stabbed Silverbolt and they fell from the sky directly into the clutches of the Beastformers. Feathers and blood flew from the center of the crowd that formed to eliminate him, and the attack on The Abomitrons resumed.

Coyote Tango did fine as a distance, but Cheetor managed to close the gap between himself and Coyote long enough to transform into robot mode and tackle the Jaeger. Big Convoy joined him in pummeling Coyote to death, until Decimus Furius arrived in the lead of the other Horsemen and crushed Cheetor like a Cheeto. Super-Minotaur Vs. Robo-Mammoth began, while Voltron was engaged in hand-to-hand combat with Crimson Typhoon. As Typhoon performed a flip to dodge a low kick, Voltron drew their sword and sliced up through the Jaeger in mid-air. Voltron’s hot streak was met with challenge when the three remaining Jaegers surrounded them. While Cherno Alpha blasted Voltron with its incinerator, Gipsy Danger unloaded its plasma cannons on them. Striker Eureka began to pummel Voltron as another sword attack took out Gipsy Danger. Voltron then struck Striker Eureka while Cherno Alpha pulled back its fist. As Voltron turned toward the final Jaeger, Cherno clutched its roll of nickels and delivered a shattering blow to Voltron’s abdomen. Upon hitting the ground, one final thrust of the sword was made, piercing the Jaeger’s nuclear engine. The explosion produced wiped out both giant robots. The Rabble Rousers’ Transformer were taking some lives, but they could barely touch the ones that were taking theirs. Rhinox had crumbled Ozymandius and his sand golems, but Ichisumi released her Yume beetles to devour him before moving on to Scuba. Blackarachnia assassinated Jeb Lee and Ichisumi, and Sanjar without trouble, but the Abomitrons had just downed Big Convoy with Decimus Furius surviving, and he caught her with a violent stomp. Optimus Primal was next to face him, and with the help of his allies they defeated the weakened Minotaur. But they, too, were weakened, and facing quite a few overpowered X-Men. Iceman circled the remaining seven Rabble Rousers and began freezing then solid. Hellion took their frozen mass and lifted then high into the air, focusing his energy on their destruction. They began to vibrate, then shake violently, before finally they burst into a glistening powder of frost and flesh and metal, nothing but a quickly melting puddle of snow on the thirsty desert floor.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Emergency Week 6 Consortium

Since Real Man sucks and probably doesn't even know he was supposed to write this match, we had to do it as a consortium....

Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions Vs. TEAM

The Turrible Decisions are:

Golden Army #31-36 - 140
Nightsister Sith Witch #3-6, #8, #9 - 95
Dark Jedi Masters #35-40 - 140
Fremen #1-6 - 75


Team is:

God Emperor Leto II
Kwisatz Haderach Chris Artip
Star Sapphire Julie Artrip
Sandworm #1B
Sandworm #2B
Sandworm #5B
The Kurgan
Green Lantern Batman
The Apocalypse Twins: Uriel
The Apocalypse Twins: Eimen
Marvel Woman
Young Marvel Man
Mirage
Wonder Boy:

In an unanimous vote of 4 to 0.....

S9W6: Murderflies vs Superkitties

Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies are:  Resurrected Sandworm #1-9, Cpt Caveman, Rancor #2, Dr. Doomsday, Quickdraw McGraw, Ham Salad.


Layanderletson's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family are: Power Girl, Vandal Savage, Damien Dahrk, Red Hulk, Green Goblin (Norman Osborne), Thor, Abomination, Lego Hulk, Arianna Dumbledore, Aberforth Dumbledore, Regulus Arcturus Black, Rebastan Lestrange, Rodolphus Lestrange, Scott Evil.

“This losing streak ends today!” Shouts Thor, rallying his troops. “I don’t care if they have a thousand sandworms. They are WORMS, that live in SAND! We have powers far greater so put them on display! Stay together and stay close and stick to the plan!”


The Superkitties keep the high ground atop one of the dunes of Jakku looking for movement and it isn’t long before they spot Rancor #2 making a beeline for them.  Red Hulk and Lego Hulk begin to pound the sand to draw the sandworms in.


“Here they come!” Shouts Power Girl.


The Hulks retreat to the group as they watch four worms come from the front of the group and five from the rear. The Rancor and Dr. Doomsday are drawing closer and will arrive shortly before the worm madness begins. Arianna, Aberorth, Regulus, Rebastan and Rodolphus cast out their Patronus charms down into the valley in front of them.  As the first wave of sandworms leap from the ground they are stopped and hover in mid air, maws agape, helpless against the spirit guardians of these experienced wizards.


Thor releases Mjolnir toward the head of Sandworm #2 as he flies at Sandworm #3.  His mighty hammer makes short work of the Sandworm #2 skull and in one swift motion retreats back to his master’s awaiting hand in time to deal the deadly blow to Sandworm #3.


Red Hulk is quickly atop the head of Sandworm #4 and is ripping his upper jaw from his lower and, just to be sure, obliterating the soft tissue inside its mouth and destroying its brain. Green Goblin takes a more educated approach and rips out a tooth from Sandworm #5 and drives it through the base of the skull repeatedly for good measure.  The Superkitties regroup at the top of the dune as the 4 lifeless Sandworms lie on the sand.


By this time, Vandal Savage, Damien Dahrk have already falled to Dr. Doomsday. Power Girl and Lego Hulk are able to restrain him long enough for Abomination to deal the final deadly blow but Power Girl is devoured at the same time by Rancor #2.  A well placed shot by Quickdraw McGraw sends Lego Hulk into several pieces.  Scott Evil (who had lots of legos to play with and plenty of free time when his dad wasn’t around) rushes to the aid of his teammate and tries to reassemble him.


Abomination avenges Lego hulk by ripping the limbs off Cpt. Caveman and using his club to smash in the skull of Quickdraw McGraw.


The second wave of sandworms have arrived and while the rest of the team has regrouped on top of the dune, Abomination has begun fighting the Rancor as Scott Evil has now started a fist fight with Ham Salad.


Same plan as before, the Patronus charms go out as the last five sandworms come in, this time from behind. Four of the five worms are stopped but the fifth one was able to change direction and dive back into the sand. Thor, Green Goblin and Red Hulk go to work as before.  The four sandworms fall but as Green Goblin is finishing his kill, he sees Sandworm #1 rising from the sand.  He is not able to escape death before Thor and Red Hulk are able to kill the last sandworm.

Thor and Red Hulk come back to the top of the dune as an injured but victorious Abomination joins them. They all sit down to laugh and enjoy the last remaining fight as it looks like neither Scott nor Ham Salad has the ability or strength to finish off the other.

Consortium: Week 6

Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches Vs. George Washington's Slaves



Beckerman's Backyardigan's Beeyataches are:

JOEY FATONE WITH BABY HANDING OFF SKILLS!!!
Army #2-28
Cobra Viper #2-38


George Washington's Slaves are:

Darth Shemalyah
Nik Landsoh
Brek Nyram
Sandworm #20
Farmboy Luke Skywalker
Jabba the Hutt
Poe Damron
BB-8
Aladdin, Abu, Jasmine & Genie all on Magic Carpet.
Wildebeest
Ginaz Swordmaster #1-6
Jedi Masters #1C-6C
Red Dragon #10
Gigantor


In an unanimous vote of 3 to 0.........

Griswold's Nut-busters Vs. The Royal Highness

Griswold's Nut-Busters are Galactus, Doomsday, Anak Sanamun, Imhotep, Riddick, Gotenks, Vin Diesel, Brood Alien #9-10, Exal Kressh, Ziran the Tester, and Batwing.

The Royal Highness is Paul Atreides, Atreides Soldier #16-18, Sandworm #1A, Sandman, Emperor Palpatine, Kylo Ren, Finn (w/ a yellow lightsaber), Apollo (from the Authority), Ursa, Scorpion King, Human Torch, Invisible Woman, Old Man Logan, and The Rifleman: Lucas McCain.


Much power is stacked into these two squads. And with all of it placed in one open dune of the Jakku wasteland, there is little room for battle strategy. In fact, battle seems to be the closest thing to a strategy either of these teams have. Battle early. Battle often. And battle with the closest enemy you see.

Although, the battle seems to stop momentarily as two enormous beings, one from the heavens and one from the depths collide with each other in the middle of their respective safe zones. As Ziran the Tester descends upon the sand, he is met by Sandworm #1A who bursts out of the ground below. Ziran, one of the great Celestials holds firm in his air position thinking that no creature of such a primitive nature could possibly hurt him, has certainly underestimated Shai Halud. For no matter of wisdom, no higher form of thought, or no ancient knowledge is beyond that of the Maker. As these two powers collide, as the giant crysknife-lined maw of the worm opens up around the Celestial and clamps down to reveal a surge of cosmic energy. Members of both of the squads come to grips with their own mortality as they see these two city-sized beings join each other in death.

At that point, what is one to do?? Other than the obvious.....

Resume battle.

Exal Kressh ignites her red lightsaber as Old Man Logan pops his claws. She dodges the aged mutant's initial attack and manages to catch him with several small lightsaber swipes; but it proves to never be quite enough to do any lasting damage. Dropping her lightsaber to her side, she blasts the man formerly known as Wolverine with a healthy dose of Sith lightning, knocking him to the ground; but the mutant is able to fight through it, leap towards her, and plunge his claws into her chest.

Invisible Woman gets up her force field just quick enough to fend off an attack from the duo of Brood Aliens leaping her way. The two aliens ferociously attack her invisible barrier; but she is able to close a secondary field around the two of them, slowly collapsing it upon itself until they are crushed into each other.

Batwing and Human Torch take flight and meet one another in the air, where many aerial acrobatics ensue. Johnny Storm flies in hard to and hits the Batman protege with every bit of flame he can muster to melt the Wayne Tech as well as the man inside; but as Batwing begins to fall from the sky, Human Torch is hit in the back with the last heat seeking missile fired by Batwing before his demise. Their lifeless bodies join each other on the ground.

Gotenks and Kylo Ren join one another in a contest that I am sure I will be criticized for not thinking is cool. They both do a bunch of supposedly uber powerful, dumb crap that people who aren't cool think is really cool. Gotenks tells Ren everything he is going to do before he does, but not to worry, because that doesn't stop Kylo from preventing it. And Kylo takes the time to throw a whiny-emo-temper tantrum in the middle of their fight. Then every dude in the world who couldn't pick a vagina out of a police line up cheers as if it is the greatest thing since Gone With the Effing Wind (Yay). Gotenks then hits Kylo Ren with some amazing attack that has never been attempted by him and was only done once like a hundred years ago or something, and as Kylo Ren is dying we all sit and wonder why he didn't just do that at the beginning of the fight and save us all the trouble. Gotenks then attempts to make some post victory joke that must only be funny in Japan (because it sure as hell isn't here); but Palpatine bursts out of the shadows he was lurking in and shows Gotenks what a real Star Wars villain is made of as he blasts him with enough Sith Lightning to take out any anime character (No what I'm sayan?? (ha, get it)).

Lucas McCain does more than just his due dillignece in warning Vin Diesel that he doesn't want any trouble; but eventually has to bust ol' Vin with a .30 .30 shell to the chest anyhow.

The Scorpion King stands toe to toe with Doomsday, who already made short work of the three Atreides soldiers; while Ursa and Apollo take flight to meet Galactus high above the old Imperial wreckage. Back on the ground, Imhotep and Sandman compete in an incredible contest of sand manipulation as massive storms roll through and cloud hundreds of yards around them. But we will return to these battles in due time.

Riddick at first gives the appearance of entering into a pitched battle with Paul Atreides; but Maud Dib simply moves to quickly through the sand. He catches Riddick from behind and jams his crysknife into the back of his neck in one swift motion.

Anak Sanamun manages to look really hot while she kicks Finn's yellow lightsaber out of his hand and then uses it to kill the former storm trooper.

Invisible Woman and Old Man Logan hope that Sue's past battle experience will help them out as they rush to help out the Superman wannabees with Galactus; but Galactus merely turns his attention to Invisible Woman and Logan for a second before he decides to vaporize them with one quick cosmic blast.

The Scorpion King and Doomsday's battle is cut short without a clear victor as The Scorpion King sees his old enemy Imhotep and decides that that is where the battle must take him. Doomsday on the other hand gets fairly annoyed with Lucas McCain taking pot shots at him, and eventually crushes the Rifleman under his gross, gray, barefoot.

As the final phase of the battle commences, everything begins to heat up. Galactus grabs Apollo out of mid-air and crushes the life out of him in his massive right hand, while Imhotep proves that he is the true master of the sand as he manipulates both the sands of Jakku and those within the body of Sandman on a molecular level to rip the Sinister Six member apart and use him as a weapon to finally destroy his age old enemy the Scorpion King once and for all. Though, Imhotep in his weakened state is ripe for the pickings of the ever lurking Sith Lord Darth Sidious, who blasts some Sith Lightning into the already electrified, and sand filled air before he ignites both of his crimson lightsabers and plunges them into the Mummy (I know he never has two lightsabers in any of the movies; but I have been playing way too much Star Wars: Galaxy of Heroes lately). Anak Sanamun attempts some more fancy moves, but they prove useless against Paul's weirding ways. Having fought many tough chicks before with his Bene Gesserit training, Paul is able to take her out with a series of three quick knife slashes, to ensure that none of life's water is wasted. Palpatine and Paul form up and stand together against the looming threat of Galactus getting closer and closer to the Jakku surface, when they realize that their teammate is significantly more selfless (or maybe just vengeful) than they ever would have guessed. Ursa sacrifices herself and in a rage flies directly through the chest of Galactus, causing an intense implosion of the planet eater but also sending enough cosmic energy through her human sized body to collapse a star. Palpatine and Paul stand, staring awestruck at the death of their most powerful enemy, when Doomsday catches the lifeless body of Ursa and uses it as blunt object to crush the skull of Palpatine while he simultaneously kicks Paul right back to Caladan....

The Empire Vs. The Moist Mafia

The Empire is Sand, Steel Superman, Black Zarack, Victory Leo, Star Saber, Sandworm #13, The New X-Men: Surge, Prodigy, Blindfold, Rockslide, Mercury, Anole, and Gentle, Kaja Sinis, Sebulba, and Sheriff Woody (w/ a blue lightsaber).

The Moist Mafia is Cotton McKnight, Pepper Brooks, Paul Bearer, Zack Ryder, Rowdy Roddy Piper, CM Punk, Bo, Luke, and Daisy Duke, Michael Knight and KITT, Merlyn, Odyssius, Hamburglar, Ducky, Cody Jones, Pokerface, Riff Raff, Hector, Mungo, Cleo, Daffy Duck, Modulock, Rio Blast, The Baroness, Dr. Mindbender, Capt. Phasma, The Royal Flush Gang: Ace, King, Queen, Jack, and Ten, First Order Flame Trooper #1-5, First Order Storm Trooper #5, Yellow Lantern Bryan Beckerman, Grand Wizard Nick Houslander, Sterling, and Smurf #9 (Roster Filler Smurf).


“So, Master Sinis; this is your big master plan?? Climb a random mountain”?? Says Steel Superman loud enough for the whole group of climbers to hear.

“Yes”. Replies the ancient Jedi Master.

“Shouldn't I, at least be down there. Where I can do the most damage. Ya know, in the SAND”. Asks Sand.

“No”. Replies the ancient Jedi Master.

“And where are the new X-Men”??

“Making the ultimate sacrifice”. Replies the ancient Jedi Master.


Well, hi everybody. That is what one of the teams is up to. But the other team seems to be having quite a bit more fun. Oh, I almost forgot. I'm the Neon Master Pogo and I'll be your watcher this evening. There is much laughter radiating through the Moist Mafia squad as Yellow Lantern Bryan Beckerman leads the whole squad down a hill to the massive ravine where the New X-Men have set up shop and await a battle. All but Capt. Phasma of course. Phasma was leading the squad until she became aware that she was the worst and most disappointing Star Wars character ever created and she suicided herself. Cotton Mcknight hosts the sand walking festivities in his first ever match appearance, while he simultaneously assures his buddy Pepper that when they undoubtedly die in this match, he will hopefully be brought back to life with his voice in tact (here's to hoping). Paul Bearer looks super creepy, and is sweating his sack off wearing that black trenchcoat in the hot Jakku sun, while Roddy Piper is being awesome and hilarious, (cause that is what he does SON). CM Punk and Zack Ryder, as the resident rasslors from this century are being properly ignored by me the watcher (cause that is what I do SON). Them Duke boys and Daisy are crammed into to KITT with Michael, and finally convince both him and the talking car that the best way down the sandy hill is just to throw it in neutral and hope for the best. It looked like a pretty fun ride, wish I was in there with em, I'm not gonna lie. Odysseus, along with Cody Jones attempt to warn the rest of the group that they think they are walking in to a certain trap; but when Cody tries to show everybody a video he made on his smart phone laying out the potential scenario it just ends up with everybody laughing after Hamburglar shouted: “Beware of Geeks bearing Gifs” (you can laugh, go right ahead.... I'll wait). Even Pokerface cracked a smile after that one. Not to be outdone by Pokerface, The Royal Flush Gang paraded through the crowd making a plethora of card playing references; but I'm not going to bother to repeat any of them. Hector drew a chuckle from more than just Riff Raff, Clio, and Mungo when he commented that “he thought a royal flush was the highest straight flush, not the highest gay one”. Daffy Duck thought the politically incorrect nature of it all was despicable though. The Baroness seemed to be the movie version of the character, so I could look at her in all of her super hotness; but Dr. Mindbender was the movie version as well, so it was like he wasn't even there. Modulock and Rio Blast on the other hand were the toy version of their brand, which means most of Modulock's limbs were missing and Rio Blast was still in the package unpurchased because all of the He-Man fans were already grown up by the time he came out. The First Order Troopers all looked great, despite their laser nerf guns; but they were a little discouraged when Wizard Nick Houslander kept talking about how they looked like they were in an over budget fan film. But then with all the Star Wars talk in the air, Nick and Becks felt the need to cuddle up together in a queen sized bed and suck face, like we all know they do when they go away together for the Star Wars Celebrations. Roster Filler Smurf looked jealous.

But, alas they finally reached the bottom of the ravine and we can finally begin the match. The New X-Men stand ready. Odysseus draws his sword, while Becks lights up his yellow ring, and Nick screams: “Y'ALL READY FO THIS”. But as soon as Surge begins conjuring some electric energy, Sandworm #13 bursts from the ground and comes down upon the entire ravine with its enormous mouth wide open to consume all involved.

Back on the mountaintop Steel Superman looks to Kaja Sinis and says: “WOW, so that was the plan huh?? Just let the sandworm do the work and the X-Men take the fall?? Not very Jedi-like”...

The ancient Jedi Master replies: “Ehh, I'm not a canon Jedi anyways”.

Wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

THE END

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Season 9 Week 6: Midgets Vs. Commandos

Multiple Championships in a row:

NHL:
1930 and 1931 Montreal Canadiens
1937 and 1938 Detroit Red Wings
1947, 1948, and 1949 Toronto Maple Leafs
1955 and 1956 Detroit Red Wings
1956, 1957, 1958, 1959, and 1960 Montreal Canadiens
1962, 1963, and 1964 Toronto Maple Leafs 
1968 and 1969 Montreal Canadiens 
1974 and 1975 Philadelphia Flyers
1976, 1977, 1978, 1979 Montreal Canadiens 
1980, 1981, 1982, 1983 New York Islanders
1984 and 1985 Edmonton Oilers
1987 and 1988 Edmonton Oilers
1991 and 1992 Pittsburgh Penguins
1997 and 1998 Detroit Red Wings

NFL:
1967 and 1968 Green Bay Packers 
1973 and 1974 Miami Dolphins
1975 and 1976 Pittsburgh Steelers 
1979 and 1980 Pittsburgh Steelers 
1989 and 1990 San Francisco 49ers
1993 and 1994 Dallas Cowboys 
1998 and 1999 Denver Broncos
2004 and 2005 New England Patriots 

MLB:
1907 and 1908 Chicago Cubs
1910 and 1911 Philadelphia Athletics
1915 and 1916 Boston Red Sox
1921 and 1922 New York Giants
1927 and 1928 New York Yankees
1929 and 1930 Philadelphia Athletics
1936, 1937, 1938, and 1939 New York Yankees
1949, 1950, 1951, 1952, and 1953 New York Yankees
1961 and 1962 New York Yankees
1972, 1973, and 1974 Oakland A's
1975 and 1976 Cincinnati Reds
1977 and 1978 New York Yankees 
1992 and 1993 Toronto Blue Jays
1998, 1999, and 2000 New York Yankees 

NBA:
1952, 1953, and 1954 Minneapolis Lakers
1959, 1960, 1961, 1962, 1963, 1964, 1965, 1966 Boston Celtics
1968 and 1969 Boston Celtics
1987 and 1988 Los Angeles Lakers
1989 and 1990 Detroit Pistons
1991, 1992, 1993 Chicago Bulls
1994 and 1995 Houston Rockets
1996, 1997, 1998 Chicago Bulls
2000, 2001, and 2002 Los Angeles Lakers
2009 and 2010 Los Angeles Lakers
2012 and 2013 Miami Heat

FFL Woodchipper Champions:
Week 5 and Week 6 Commandos

Let's all raise a glass to these proud back to back (and beyond) champions!

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Season 9, Week 5: The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets vs. The Moist Mafia - Round 2

The rosters were picked apart and appropriately analyzed by the consortium with both teams getting a fair shake. 

In the end, a 5-0 vote determined that...

S9W5 - Turrible Decisions vs Royal Highness

Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions is: Siryn, Quills, Gatecrasher, Kaine, Zombie Absorbing Man, Kimura, Cannonball, Rasslor, Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam w/ Green Lantern Ring, Jesse Quick, Cheetah, Book Worm, Red Star, Flash (Jay Garrick), Battle Pope w/ Chaingun, One-Punch Man, Deathblow, Witchblade, Avengelyne w/ blue Lightsaber, Punch/Counterpunch, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath, Squeezeplay and Locos, Brawn w/ Green Lantern Ring, Broadside, Curtis Manning w/ Iron Man Armor, Battletoads Rash, Pimple, and Zitz, Renee Walker w/ Fremkit, Faith Lehane w/ Blue Lightsaber, The Master, Glory, Roadblock, Helios, Themis, Shriekers #1-6, Junkeons #2-10, Nightsister Sith Witches #8-14, Jedi Masters #1D-10D, Ents #1-10, Fremen #1-17.


The Royal Highness is: Q2 (9 deaths), The Astronomer, The Contemplator, The Gardener, The Possessor(9 deaths for Possessor) - (Marvel Elders of the Universe), Pretender Monsters: Birdbrain, Bristleback, Icepick, Scowl, Slog, and Wildfly  (Transformers) (Merge to form Monstructor), Richard Nixon, Emperor Palpatine, Kylo Ren, Steel Doomsday (9 deaths), Fantastic Four: Reed Richards (9 deaths) w/Ultimate Nullifier, Invisible Woman, Human Torch, and The Thing(all in The Anti-Galactus Suit), Sunstreaker and Sideswipe (9 deaths), The Black Flash(DC), Agent Smith (Matrix), Sleep and Death (Greek Gods), Batman Beyond in Batwing, Broly (DBZ), Morgan le Fey (Mythology) w/Voldemort's Wand, Sandman (Marvel), Booker Dewitt and Elizabeth (Bioshock), Sonny the Robot, Agent 47 (Hitman), John Wick, King Richard the Lionhearted -12 on Mordor Horse #1, Finn (Star Wars) w/Yellow Lightsaber, Randy Couture -17 w/Iron Man Suit, The Rifleman: Lucas McCain, Hugh Glass, DC Spider-Man, Dave Thomas, Founder of Wendy's, Signal Men(DC) -#1-4, Upgraded Matrix Agent #1, Queen Xenomorph - #1, 2, 3, 7, 9, Wookie Soldier #2 (9 deaths), 3 (9 deaths), #7-25, Ancient Sith Lord #1, 2, 3, 7, 15, Sandworm #1A, Antriedes Soldier #14 (9 deaths), 16, 17, 18, Uruk Hai #57 (LOTR), Minotaur #1-5, Looney Tunes Gremlins #1-6, Allosaur #21-25, Dilophosaur #21-25, White Dragon #9




“I told you goons to keep him ALIVE!” screamed Agent Smith to Steel Doomsday and The Thing. The two of them were doing a number on Red Star who they had bound to a cement pillar in an abandoned warehouse. “When Batman finally locates that cowardly little nerd, I will need him.”


“Couldn’t Q2 just blink the planet into another dimension or some crap?” asked annoyed Reed Richards. “If the Marvel Elders couldn’t find him…”


“The Elders were busy getting their ass kicked by Helios and Themis, remember?” Smith responds. “Sure Q2 could probably do that but then we all die too. We have time. We can wait him out. Batman will find him soon.”


Smith looked out of broken window in the abandoned warehouse at the scorched planet that lay in waste. “Where are you hiding?” he whispered.


-------------------------


The playoff planet had fallen into an eternal darkness. The absurd sizes of the teams that fought in that midseason battle waged a war that lasted years and the smoke from the flames and dust from the earth blacked out the sky.  Well…I suppose time is relative really. What could last decades down here, happens in the blink of an eye to the watchers back on Earth. Some watch matches for weeks while some, let's be honest, some keep cranking out the turds at the deadline. (*cough* Fizzatu *cough*)  I should know. I am probably the only person who has read every match.  Then again, I am always reading something. Maybe it was all that reading that has kept me alive this long.


I never was much of a fighter, I would rather read a good war story than be asked to fight in one. I suppose I have always been watching from the sidelines. Even in the days when they called me a “villain” of Batman. Honestly, how would a Bookworm fare in a fight against Batman? No, I’m no fighter. But I do know what it takes to survive these matches. And it isn’t braun or super powers. I never understood those first few minutes of a fantasy match. So much activity, the instant fighting.  And It’s always the grunts too, the commons, those “Garys” who are the first to die. Swords and lightsabers up, screaming like they were really fighting for something important. Like they have a purpose… And, as expected, this match was no different.


I remember the chaos of that first wave. Jedi Masters cutting the heads off of dinosaurs. John Wick, Agent 47 and Randy Couture had an epic fight with One-Punch Man, Deathblow and Punch/Counterpunch. That fight was great! It lasted hours. Or was it One-Blow Man? No, that was something different. I think that is Bryatu’s favorite internet star. Dave Thomas even deep fried the Battle Pope’s face, hat and all. Ha! Not even sure how he got one of those in here or where he plugged it in.


King Richard rode up at one point and cut the legs off all the Battletoads and Dave fried those up too. I was able to sneak into their camp that night after they had fallen asleep and steal one of Rash’s hind legs. That fed me for days. It tasted heavenly… Must have been after he killed the Pope.  


The fremen did a good job of reclaiming everyone’s water so I was able to fill a couple canteens. They even hijacked the Sandworm from the Royal Highness and turned it against them. It was great watching it eat up Sleep and Death. But that Sandworm joyride was short lived as it and all the Fremen perished when Morgan Le Fay used Voldemort’s wand to blow it up from the inside. Also Kylo Ren threw a lot of temper tantrums and cried a whole bunch. That was a little embarassing.


Yeah, it was kind of neat being a firsthand spectator, apart from the constant running for my life, But now the days have turned into weeks which have turned into years. And I now know this “Week” five battle will end my life. It has become apparent that I will not die “honorably” on the field of battle as every other member of my team but you can chalk my death up to Father Time. For since the moment the match began I have been in hiding and my stores of food and water are now exhausted. Believe it or not, the early days were the easy ones. Back then, I just needed to run from the explosions and hide from the bolts of energy and at night, sneak out and collect supplies. I always read how the winning team is teleported back at the end of the match; but the fighting ended years ago. That is why I have kept this journal of my experience here in hopes that one day it is read by someone who will remember me. A low level unique that survived longer in one match than anyone before.


But perhaps I am not alone and this match is still going on somehow. I now realize that the best case scenario for me is that I was simply forgotten by the watcher and left here to die. That would be a nice ending to this story. A victory wouldn’t be so Turrible even if at the cost of my own life. My gut is telling me a different story though. One with a not so happy ending.


I fear that I am still being hunted.


----------------------------------


Back in the abandoned warehouse, Red Star had been working at his restraints since they tied him up and finally had them loose enough where he knew he could escape quickly. Feigning unconsciousness, he was trying to think of a plan. It was a deathmatch week and he surely couldn’t take them all on. Not in the same room.  As he was contemplating his options, he could hear the remaining members of the Highness talking in hushed whispers.


“Batman found him with the thermal scanning on his Batwing”
“Where is he?”
“Here in the City. Two clicks south”
“Which building?”
“Four story office building, second or third floor. We leave in 30 minutes.”


With all of their backs to him. Red Star removed himself from his bindings and slipped out an open service door only 20 feet away.  “Ha!” he thought to himself. With his new found knowledge, he was making a break for his last remaining teammate. “It was almost too easy.” he snickered.


Agent Smith turned to the empty pillar where Red Star once stood and then to the open door behind him. “It was almost too easy” he said with a grin.


---------------------------------


The door to the room kicked in and Bookworm dropped his pen and book and covered his face. “This is it!” he thought to himself briefly before being shaken to.


“Snap out of it!” Red Star said firmly but quiet. “They are coming and we need to leave here now! Now get UP!” he said pulling his fraile teammate to his feet.


“I got a place we can go!” Bookworm said leading the way out into the hallway. “It’s not far but it connects us to other buildings with a series of tunnels underground.” He stopped short when he heard a distinct buzzing sound behind him.


“I’ve been looking for you… Mr. Kingor” said Agent Smith.


The Bookworm didn’t have a retort. He just watched as the Agent leaped inside him.


------------------------------------

The door to the Abandoned warehouse slid open and the remaining Highness members strolled out leaving only beaten and burned corpse of the Red Star behind.


Monday, April 18, 2016

The Empire vs Real Man's Rabble Rousers

Real Man’s Rabble Rousers:
Black Lantern Sunstorm (8 deaths), Snapdragon and Krunck (8 deaths), Runabout and Runamuck, Slugslinger and Caliburst(7 deaths), Fly Wheels, Trigger Happy and Blowpipe (7 deaths), Doublecross, Movie Dreads: Crankcase, Crowbar (7 deaths), & Hatchet (7 deaths), Movie Sideways (8 deaths), Gears(7deaths), Topspin (7 deaths) and Twin Twist (9 deaths), Quick Switch (7 deaths), Hardhead (7 deahts) and Duros(7 deaths), Junkeon 13 (7 deaths), and Junkeon 14 (7 deaths).


Empire:
Prometheus, Eros, Balder the Brave, Meggan, War Bird, Kid Gladiator, 
Archanne, Scarlett Spider, Hannibal King, The Pet Avengers (Throg, Red 
Wing, Hair Ball, Ms. Lion), Thunderbolts (Song Bird w/ 7 deaths and a 
Laser Sword, Radioactive Man w/ 9 deaths and a Laser Gun, Swordsman w/ 7 
deaths, Mister X w/ 8 deaths and a Blue Light Saber, Headsman w/ 7 
deaths and a Green Lantern Ring, Ghost), Technet (Body Bag, China Doll, 
Elmo, Ferro, Ferro 2, Joy Boy, Numbers, Ring Toss, Scatterbrain, Thug, 
Wax Works, Yarr, Hard Boiled), Reavers (Lady Death Strike, Donald 
Pierce, Pretty Boy, Bone Breaker, Skull Buster, Cole, Macon, Reece), 
Collossus, Set, Stingray, Night Hawk, Sabertooth, Earth 2 Batman, Earth 
2 Catwoman, The Orphan, Dick Grayson, Vixen, OMAC, Sand, Kyle Rayner, 
Movie Brawl, Brass Dragon #10 w/ 9 deaths, Copper Dragon #2 w/ 9 death, and a Tie Interceptor

The playoff planet is huge. So huge that the two teams have spent the last two weeks trying to find each other. No action and the match deadline is growing near. The watchers are growing angry. Just as they were contemplating another emergency consortium, the two teams were within view of each other.

The Rabble Rousers had no issue with the long trek around the planet as they consist completely of transformers that are well stocked on energon. The Empire, however, was a little winded after not only fighting two matches last week but mostly travelling around the planet by foot.

The Rabble Rousers waste no time clearing the sky as BL Sunstorm shoots down Brass Dragon #10 and Copper Dragon #2. Quick Switch follows him up by blasting Kid Gladiator and Meggan. Eros, Nighthawk, and a Tie interceptor piloted by Earth 2 Batman locked on to BL Sunstorm but the jet portion of Fly Wheels along with Topspin and Twin Twist incinerate them with laser blasts.

The Rabble Rousers then land and regroup. As the Empire quickly approaches, they see that despite their quick start to the match they are still vastly outnumbered. They resort to their new secret weapon, which is that they have newfound gestalt abilities. The Movie Dreads and Junkeons quickly transform into a gestalt and charge at Prometheus. The Titan defended himself well, until he was held from behind by a second gestalt. They dismembered the Titan and threw his limbs at the Empire, who were reeling in shock at the seemingly unstoppable rampage.

The Rabble Rousers were now brimming with confidence. They felt it was time to unveil the super secret weapon, the ultimate gestalt, THE REAL REAL MAN. All of the transformers combined into a massively giant robot. It was the slowest gestalt forming that has ever occurred, as there was a huge argument as to who got to be the “REAL MAN” portion. Eventually they agreed that Quick Switch might give the wrong impression, so Blowpipe got the part.

The massive robot towered over the other combatants. In a loud booming voice he spoke “I AM REAL MAN”. Many members of the Empire began firing their weapons, which did little but irritate the giant. He stepped forward and in one stomp crushed most of Technet.

Now the problem with gestalts is that they have to function cohesively as a team. The only thing that they could agree upon was that they were the coolest looking robot ever, so instead of fighting they just stood there like a giant statue.


China Doll, who was just inches from being crushed, gets up to see the giant above her. She puts her hand on the gestalt, shrinking him down from the largest gestalt to the smallest toy. The rabble rousers immediately disconnect and begin scurrying away like rats. Before they get far Sabertooth and Colossus stomp out all of the rabble rousers.

Season 9 Week 5: Slaves Vs. Commandos

The Slaves are: Darth Shemalyah
 Nik Landsoh
 Brek Nyram
 Loki
 Superman
 Green Arrow (Connor Hawk)
 Speedy (Mia Deardon)
 Solomon Grundy (w/ Red Lantern Ring)
 Cole
 G'nark
Wildebeest
Piecemeal
Madison "Box" Jefferies
Dormammu
 Kid Omega
 Xorn (Kuan-Yin)
S.U.R.F SharkSkin, S.U.R.F Eel, S.U.R.F. Undertow
James Potter, Lilly Potter, Edgar Bones, Remus Lupin, Caradoc Dearborn, Elphias Doge, Alice Longbottom, Frank Longbottom, Marlene McKinnon, Emmeline Vance, Mad Eye Moony
Crocodile Dundee (w/Darth Nihilus's Lightsaber)
 Jaws 2
Frankenstein's Monster
Horatio Caine
Aladdin, Abu, Jasmine, Genie (all on the Magic Carpet)
Clifford the Big Red Dog w/ Emily Elizabeth
Bender B. Rodriguez (w/ Flamethrower)
Medusa
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Spongebob Squarepants.
Slaves Commons: "Gary" #1-60.


Miley and Barack's Commandos are:
-Iorek Byrnison (From the Golden Compass
-Lyra Belacqua w/Pantalamion
-Will Perry w/Kirjava
-Olivia Moore
-Clairy Fray
-Dora, Boots, Backpack, The Map
-Katy Perry
-Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus
-The Mikaelson Family: Mikael (Vampire), Ester (Witch), Freya (Witch), Finn (Vampire), Elijah (Vampire), Niklaus (Vampire), Kol (Vampire & Witch), Henrik (Vampire), Rebekah (Vampire), Hope (Baby
-Martian Manhunter
-Faora
-Human Bomb
-Dark Phoenix
-Zombie Nichol Valdez
-Ewok Child #9
-Thanos
-Sin Eater
-Foolkiller
-Equinox
-Grimlock Rex Prime (With Matrix of Leadership)
-Scotty Bowman, Kris Draper, Henrik Zetterburg, Domink Hassek, Jiri Fischer, Jiri Slagr, Darren McCarty, Brendan Shanahan, Chris Chelios, Kirk Maltby, Niklas Lidstrom, Pavel Datsyuk, Brett Hull, Igor Larionov, Luc Robataille, Mathieu Dandenault, Sean Avery, Tomas Holmstrom & Sergei Federov.
-Boil Over Becks
-Doozer #9
-Droid Fighter Ship #7-12
-Space Jockey
-Allosaurus #1-6
-Bronze Dragon #1-6
-Dilaphosaur #26-30
-Queen Xenomorph #9 & 10

Hello everyone, and welcome to Spoiler Sport: Mid-Season Play-off Planet Edition! On The Ocho! I'm recently rehired anchor Cotton McKnight, and we'll touch bases around the Fantasy Fantasy League before delving into tonight's featured match: George Washington's Slaves versus Barack and Miley's Commandos!
First, we'll get you prepped for the fight by looking into the combatants' placement around the planet, and each team's likely strategies in the unique environments.
We start in The Play-off Planet's graveyard, where Dormammu, Red Lantern Solomon Grundy, Frankenstein's monster, Medusa, and the Potter Wizard crew represent The Slaves. The Commandos respond with Clary Fray, Liv Moore, Zombie Nichol Valdez, and the assorted vampires, witches and werewolves from the Original family. The Slaves and Commandos members are both very experienced in this setting, so this one could be a toss up!
Next, we head to space, where an overwhelming amount of Commandos wait to face a lone Slave. Commandos Dark Phoenix, Thanos, Space Jockey, Droid Fighter Ships #7-12, and Queen Xenomorphs #9-10 stand by for an approaching Xorn. I think The Slaves mean to use Xorn as a suicide bomber, with the star in his head as the weapon. That's a bold strategy, but it seems unlikely to work completely. We'll probably see a few Commandos survive the blast.
Now, we look upon a few areas that have been occupied solely by one team or another, but neither of the opposing teams dare enter. The Slaves' Aladdin and his crew fly freely in the desert sands of The Play-off Planet unopposed. They are probably singing showtunes as we speak. The Commandos have locked down the icy mountain section, with Lorek Bryrimison, Lyra, Will Perry, Equinox, and the 2002 Red Wings standing guard. The oceans belong to Slaves S.U.R.F. squad, Jaws 2, and Spongebob. Will anything ever happen in these locations, or will all the combatants inevitably have to relocate just in time for some kind of "grand finale"? Stay tuned!
We go to the dense forrest area, which has The Slaves' sniper team of Green Arrow and Speedy covering the ground forces of Clifford the Big Red Dog w/Emily Elizabeth, Gnark, and Bender with his ever trusty flamethrower. The Commandos' Katy Perry looks to ride Grimlock Rex Prime into battle, and leads Dora, Boots, Backpack, Map, Boil Over Becks, Ewok Child #9, Allosaurs #1-6, Dilophosaurs #26-30, and Bronze Dragons #1-6. We here at Spoiler Sport question the decision to place Boil Over Becks anywhere near Katy Perry, but The Commandos large unit should cover any of B.O. Becks' wacky antics. It seems that if The Slaves' snipers don't rack up kills quickly, they could suffer a huge defeat on this battlefront.
In a shocking turn of events, The Slaves' commons have set up a picnic of sorts in the tranquil grasslands of the planet. They have set up games of horseshoes, vollyball, and it looks like a sack race may be in the works as well. I'm not sure who's cooking, but man, I can smell that delicious barbeque from here! Unfortunately, none of them seem willing or able to fight anybody! We contacted the Slaves to find an answer to this unusual behavior, but the best we could do is a statement from a common who would only be identified as "Gary".
"It's the rules of Mutual Common Combat, baby!!! Aw crap! I shouldn't have said that out loud! Sorry, I'm a little tipsy... oh, man, the other "Garys" are going to kill me for spilling the beans on live television!" "Gary" then stumbled back to one of the many cook outs that were occuring.
This leaves The Slaves' Superman, Kole, Madison Jefferies, Horatio Caine, Kid Omega, and Mr. and Mrs. Smith to hold down the planet's city section against Commandos Martian Manhunter, Faora, Sin Eater, Fool Killer, Human Bomb, and the captain, Miley Cyrus herself. This is normally where the final battle is held, so it seems that any surviving teammates will end up rendezvousing here to bolster their respective ranks.
That about wraps up our in depth preview of this match, so we will take a look around the League to catch up on some other matches that are already in progress. We send it over to th newest member of the Spoiler Sport team: Virtual Pepper Brooks! That's right ladies and gentlemen, prior to Pepper's off camera, unverified, in which no body was found "death", our technical producers uploaded what was left of Pepper's conciousness into the mainframe! So for now and ever, let Pepper's insight educate us on the subtile nuances of the great Fantasy fantasy League! Take it away, V. Pep!
"MUHMUHMUH MUH MUH MUHMUH MUHMUH MUH MUH MUHMUH. MUHMUHMUHMUH MUH MUH MUHMUH MUH MUHMUH MUHMUH!!!! MUH! MUH MUH MUH MUHMUHMUH MUH MUHMUH MUHMUHMUH MUH MUH MUH MUHMUHMUH! MUHMUH MUHMUH MUH MUHMUHMUH MUHMUH MUH MUH! MUH MUH MUH MUH MUHMUHMUHMUH!!!!"
Thanks Virtual Pepper! We're glad to have you back, no matter capacity it may be in! Since we are all caught up on the rest of The League's activities, it's time to send you to tonight's main event: George Washington's Slaves versus Barack and Miley's Commandos! Wait...WHAT?!? Did I hear that right? We have breaking News? We seem to have a strange turn of events unfolding on the surface of The Play-off Planet! We now send it to our ace reporter on  the ground, Chip Wedoor! Chip! What is happening down there?!?
"Cotton, this is Chip Wedoor reporting from inside the city limits of The Play-off Planet! A large temple has emerged in the center of the city, seemingly from nothing! We also have multiple confirmed reports of The Commandos vanishing into thin air!"
"Chip, Cotton here. Do you believe that the sudden appearance of this mysterious temple has anything to do with The Commandos vanishing act?"
"Well, Cotton, that is purely speculation, but it's hard to believe that it's merely a coincidence! Wait... The temple gates appear to be opening, and i see... Oh my, it seems to be Darth Shemaleya and her consort Loki, along with her disciples Nik Landsoh and Brek Nyram! It looks like Shemaleya is speaking! Let's listen in!!!"

"Nik, have The Commandos been dispatched per my request?" asks Shemaleya.
"Yes, my Lord. As you forsaw, my uncanny resemblance to The Commandos' owner worked in our favor. I posed as him, and made sure their roster was sent in far too late to be considered." says Nik Landsoh.
"Excellent work, my young apprentice! Now, let us join in the chant that has brought us to this point, and will continue to work in our favor." advises Shemaleya.
The quartet bows their heads and chants the most holy of all passages in the Sith religion.
"Tuesdays Forever. Tuesdays Forever. Tuesdays Forever. Tuesdays Forever..."

Well it doesn't look like those wacky Sith are going to stop chanting anytime soon, so I suppose it's time to wrap up this special edition of Spoiler Sport: Mid Season Play-off Planet Edition! It's hard to say when we'll be back, but hopefully it's sooner than later! I definately missed reporting on The League, and sharing information with all of you fine viewers out there! Stay tuned for Ultimate Tazer Ball, coming up next!!! For The Ocho, I'm Cotton McKnight! Thank you, and goodnight!

Season 9, Week 5 Match: Team Sleeping Pusy vs. Layanderlettson's Super Orange Kitties

“Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?”


                                    “Loser,” Beck

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 9, Week 5 Match located on the Playoff Planet.  They are as follows:

Team Sleeping Pussy: Bizarro Superman, Psycho Pirate, Swamp Thing, Gay Alan Scott, Ultron, Korvac, Professor X, Dr. Manhattan, Johnny Bates, Miracle Dog, Dave Bowman: The Starchild, Dolphin, Aquagirl, Namor, Aspen, Jonah Hex, Western Ghost Rider, Captain Metropolis, Hooded Justice, Dollar Bill, The Mothman, The Silhouette, Miracle Dog, Bullseye, Electra, Stick, The Vanisher, Zombie Bryan Beckerman, Peacemaker, Nightshade, Dark Beast, Andrew Bennett, Xenomorphs #9-25, 35-47 and Skrulls #37-44.

Layanderlettson’s Super Orange Kitties: Supergirl, Powergirl, Starfire, Red X, Red X (Dick Grayson), Batgirl (Stephanie Brown), Robin (Stephanie Brown), Catgirl, Batgirl (Betty Kane), Harlequin, Wonder Girl, Terra, Kid Flash, Speedy, Mas y Menos, Zoom, Vandal Savage, Damien Darhk, Robin (Tim Drake), Robin (Damien Wayne), Red Hulk, Warpath, Vision, Thor, Abomination, Venom, Nightcrawler, Lego Hulk, Feral (Star Wars), Warmaster Tsavong Lah, Talia, Mala, R2-KT, Godzilla, Aerial Clone Trooper Captain, Aerial Clone Trooper #1-6, Old Daka, Ewok #52-57, Arianna Dumbledore, Abenforth Dumbledore, Nexu #3, Fremen #64-69, Uruk Hai #1-2, 6-8, Sharkticon #27-30, Decepticon #6, Dark Side Adept #14, Astro-Droid #13, Jedi Master #50A, Super Battle Droid #1-2, Twisted Mentat #2, Ginaz Swordmaster #13, Bene Gesserit Reverend Mother #2, Avian #3, Little Goomba #64, Ice Bros. #9, Black Dragon #12, Purple Dragon #23, Bronze Dragon #7, Silver Dragon #16, Griffin #23, Pony #3, Vampire Cat #1 and Treasure Troll #17.

 Let the battle begin. . .

Team SP’s locker room is vibrant with activity.  Gay Alan Scott is looking in the mirror and feeling good with how well he looks and feels, especially with the musculature of Bullseye’s glistening body (walking from the shower) next to him.  Dr. Manhattan stands on the bench in the middle of the room and Scott’s eyes move toward the blue member of the team.  The team stands in awe of Dr. Manhattan’s and are aroused into a frenzied mess of mayhem waiting to storm the Playoff Planet’s field.

Meanwhile, the Kittie’s locker room is filled with estrogenic electricity as the female warriors are ready to lead the charge onto the battlefield.

WEEEEOOOOH!  WEEEEOOOH!  WEEEOOOH!

A claxon call is heard and both teams slowly wade from their locker rooms.  They are unfamiliar with the sound.  They have never faced one before at this stage of the match.  A muffled whimper is heard.  R2-KT beeps and whistles.  Godzilla roars.  Savage and Zoom point to the sky.  On the other end of the Planet, Ultron and Korvac look to one another.  Soon, a realization reaches each member of their respective squad.

THIS MATCH IS NO LONGER CONTROLLED BY BRYATU, BUT BY THE CONSORTIUM!!!!!  THE SNIVELING WAS BEING EMITTED FROM BRYATU’S TREMBLING LIPS!!!  HE HAS LOST CONTROL OF HIS BOWELS AND IS UNABLE TO WATCH!!! 

Professor X:  All hail, the Consortium! 

Damien Dahrk: All hail, the Consortium!  

Soon both sides’ members enter the chanting.  The members of the Consortium smile at one another.  They shall control the destinies of the teams fighting this match during a Playoff Planet round.  None believe it has happened before; most believe it will happen again.

Dave Bowman: Let us commence. . . .

The combatants are transported to their realms of battle.  In the end there are only three members of the winning team standing.

THE CONSORTIUM HAS RULED: 4-2