Complete Records for Every Single Team

Spoiler Sport: Week 9

Hello Everyone, Cotton McKnight here. Welcome to Spoiler Sport. Here on The Ocho! There was some crazy good FFL action this week at Arkham Asylum, so let's get to it.

We begin in The Lucas Conference, with The Clarke Division holding serve for the week. The Empire was game for a series of unique, non-lethal challenges against The Red Army, and The Slaves' Catwoman and Batgirl were too much for the expendable Rabblerousers.

In The Spielberg Division, The Shit-Kickers couldn't kick their way out of the Midgets' shit, thanks to Walter Day. Looks like the joke's on The Grindhouse, as The Horsemen's Joker and a couple of "sock puppets" get the job done. Or do they? The Grindhouse has an opportuinty for instant revenge because fate has slotted them against The Horseman as first round opponents!

In the Lee Conference, The Tolkien Division had a surprise or two for our loyal viewers. The Dope Fiends are single-handedly dismantled by TEAM's Justice Legion Alpha Batman, who was determined to honor his namesake on the holiday. The Nut-Busters finally get their first win against the Murderflies. Congratulations are in order for Aaron. Let's hope that both of these teams get the help that they desperately need.

Meanwhile, The Hebert Division had interesting twists itself. White Lantern Batman redeems himself for his past sins against his young partners, with The Kitties killing The Highness' buzz. The match featured a returning Ryatu, who also welcomed a new member to the FFL family, Warren Xavier! Congrats from everyone here at Spoiler Sport! Finally, FFL rookie C.M. Punk makes his official debut for The Kennelz, taking down a couple of Team SP's wily veterans on his quest to again become "best in the world."

Speaking of "best in the world", we now head to all star graveyard points reporter, Pepper Brooks. Pepper!

"Muhmuh muh muh muhhmuh muh muhmuh. Muhmuh muhmuh muhhmuh. Muh muh muhmuh muh muh muhhmuh muhhmuh muhmuh muh. Muhmuh muh muhmuh muh muh muhmuhm, muhhmuh muh muhmuh muhhmuh muh muh muhmuh. Muh muh muhmuh, muh muh muh muh muhmuh muhmuh muh muhhmuh."

Thanks Pepper. Your wisdom is appreciated as always. Coming up, we'll follow the contenders to round one of the Playoffs! We'll also bring you the first consolation round, featuring the first ever FFL Prom! Could these unlucky teams be lucky in love? Stay tuned to find out!

For The Ocho, I'm Cotton McKnight. Stay with us for Monkey Knife Fighting, live from The Philippines! Thank you, and good night.

It's time, once again....

That's right folks. It's that magical time of the year again! It's time for the Consolation Rounds! That special set of matches, where me and my Secret Society of SuperWatchers are in charge and anything can happen. It's all the fun and prizes of the PlayOffs, but with lower point values!

Just like with the PlayOffs, rosters will be due starting next Tuesday night. For the first round of Consolation, you'll be emailing your rosters directly to me instead of to your Watcher. I'll explain why in a second, but first let's see where we'll be going in Round One.

Round One is going to held at the first ever Fantasy Fantasy League PROM! That's right, that magical event that according to TV and movies, is a huge life changing night where virgins lose their virginity and throw lavish parties. Where that nerdy girl with the overalls and glasses no guy ever noticed before, reveals herself to have actually been a drop dead gorgeous young woman the entire time. Where the telekinetic prom queen gets a bucket of pig blood dropped on her, then proceeds to murder everyone. It's the stuff dreams are made of.

But what kind of party host would I be, if I didn't try and find you a date? So, along with your 20 point roster you'll also be picking either the number one or two. This number corresponds with the one I've assigned  to a pair of characters from the Waiver Wire- one fairly decent character, the other a lower point character . This person will  be joining your team for this battle. The winners of the match will have the option to keep their "Mystery Date" on their team, along with getting 10 resurrection points.

The match-ups will be:

Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together To Make a New Family vs Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies. (Special Guest Watcher- Heather)

Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers vs Griswold's Nut Busters. (Josh)

The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets vs Real Man's Rabblerousers (Special Guest Watcher- Lickolas)

The Empire vs President Barack Obama and Taylor Swift's Red Army (Seeney)


Again, I'll need your rosters AND your number by Monday Night. Thank you all, and WELCOME TO THE CONSOLATION ROUND!

Horsemen of the Apokolips news

The Fantasy Fantasy League proudly congratulates  Ryan Poteracki and his wife Amy on the arrival of their firstborn son, Warren Xavier. Warren was born on May 14th at 9:16 pm and weighed in at 6 lbs 15 ozs.

Our most heartfelt congrats and best wishes go out to the proud parents.

Play-offs Round 1

Points: 750
Setting: The Play-off Planet
Prize: 40 Graveyard Points

George Lucas Conference
-(1)The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. (4)Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse (Griffin)
-(2)George Washington's Slaves Vs. (3)Shemalabama's Shit-Kickers (Edwin the Bard)

The Stan Lee Conference
-(1)TEAM Vs. (4)Team Sleeping Pussy (NFG)
-(3)The Royal Highness Vs. (4)Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve (Fizz)


*The four division winners will also receive an additional 15 graveyard points.

Horsemen vs grindhouse

The Joker w/M202A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher, Harley Quinn w/Blue Lightsaber, Scarecrow w/Sinestro's Yellow Lantern Ring, Snowflame, Friend Bear, Wish Bear, Bedtime Bear

Scrooge McDuck w/ green lightsaber, Huey, Dewey and Louie, Donald Duck w/ red lantern ring, Daisy Duck, Ducky, DeadEye Duck w/ red lightsaber, Daffy Duck, Dr Mindbender, Slimer, Albert Wesker, Treasure Troll

The Grindhouse gang has arranged to be escorted threw the asylum by Dr. Alyce Sinner and C.O. Aaron Cash. Huey, Dewey, and Louie keep bumping into each other because they can’t take their eyes off the crazy people behind the glass. Scrooge McDuck has been barking orders ever since the team left the locker room, Most of them have been ignored. McDuck is used to being ignored but not laughed at, that’s exactly why he becomes enraged when the doctor begins to laugh at him.

Scrooge Mcduck: AND JUST WHAT IS IT THAT YOU FIND SO FUNNY DOCTOR?!

Dr. Alyce Sinner: HAHAHAHAH! I can’t believe you feel for the ole Hannibal lecter I cut some guys face off and wore it as a disguise trick! Your so stuuuuiiipppiddd! HAHAHAHA! (Joker pulls off the mask he has made out of Dr. Sinner’s face)

Scrooge McDuck: IT’S A TRAP! RUN!

Snowflame, Scarecrow, and Harley Quinn burst out from behind their glass cell doors and attack, Joker pulls a knife from his sleeve and tries to stab McDuck. Albert Wesker steps in and takes the hit to save scrooges life. Scarecrow has used his ring to create a 10ft tall scarecrow suit of armor and scythe. Donald Daffy and Daisy Duck are all decapitated with one swing of the scythe. DeadEye Duck quickly hits the scarecrow with a series of shots from his red lightsaber. This only knocks him down and destroys his light construct. He quickly leaps back to his feet, forms duel sickles and rushes the duck. The two engage in a fierce battle neither man giving or taking an inch until, Scarecrow uppercuts DeadEye, severs his upper right hand, and then spins to sever his head. However DeadEye catches his lightsaber with his bottom left hand, leans just out of the way and splits scarecrow up the middle all at the same time.

Harley Quinn has disemboweled Huey, Dewey and Louie. She has now shoved her hand inside Huey and begun moving his mouth.

Harley Quinn: Look Mr. J SOCKPUPPETS!

 Joker: ARE You CRAZY, Lady You don’t know where they’ve been! HaHA!

Friend Bear, Wish Bear, and Bedtime Bear have treasure troll surrounded but he doesn’t look worried at all. Friend and wish bear both rush in but treasure troll ducks out of the way causes them to hit each other and then kicks them both in the stomach. Bedtime runs in and knocks him down with a knee, they all start kicking him until treasure troll pulls out a pocket knife a slices wish bears Achilles tendon. Treasure troll rolls on top of Wish bear a starts stabbing her in the neck and face. Friend bear tries to pull the troll off but leaves himself open and takes the pocket knife in the eye. Bedtime bear rips a fire extinguisher off the wall and finally caves in the trolls head.

Scrooge McDuck, DeadEye Duck, and Ducky are kicking the s**t out of snowflame as he sits on the ground and snorts coke off the tile floor. As soon as Snowflame finishes the last of his cocaine he leaps to his feet, knocking his three foes down in the process.

Snowflame: Cooka-yayah-o! You just keep that cabbage comin', daddy-o, and Snowflame'll getcha whatcha want, when ya want it! Now, which one of you humps has got a cigarette for Snowy?

Scrooge McDuck: What?

Snowflame: What's that, Judge? Why is my nose bleeding? I-I fell dooooown.

DeadEye Duck: GET  HIM!

The Three ducks charge forward but the coked up supervillan snatches them all up and throws them against the wall.

Snowflame: Now you get me Some f**king drugs! I'll f**king kill you! You hear me! I'll fuck…..

Snowflame becomes weak as the poor quality cocaine quickly wears off. Deadeye Duck kicks him in the balls and he drops to the floor. The three resume kicking his a**, when suddenly Joker comes up from behind and one by one cleaves into their heads with a fire axe saying…

Joker: DUCK! DUCK! DUCK! GOOOSE!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAA! OH wait I think the Goose was on my side, well you know what they say, if you wana make an omelet you gota crack a few eggs! AHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Season 7 Play-offs: Round 1

The following teams are in the play-offs, but all of the match-ups are not yet set for both conferences.

From The George Lucas Conference
-The Horsemen of Apokolips
-Shemalabama's Shit-Kickers
-Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse
-George Washington's Slaves

From The Stan Lee Conference
-(1)TEAM Vs. (4)Team Sleeping Pussy
-(2)The Royal Highness Vs. (3)Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

Setting: The Play-off Planet
Points: 750
Prize: 40 Graveyard Points

As soon as the last matches are in, the Lucas Conference match-ups, and who will be watching all 4 matches will be posted. The 4 Watchers for this round will be Fizz, Griffin, NFG, and Ed.

S6W9 - Empire vs Red Army

The Red Army is: Friedrich Nietzsche w/Space Infinity Gem (Purple), Baby Nightcrawler, Worf, T-3 Terminator, Katniss Everdeen w/Green Lantern Ring.

The Empire is: Mon Mothma, Mike Huckabee, Bill O'Reilly, Aaron Griswold (with trusty Estwing hammer), Bill Kelly Dark Jedi Master (with Blue Light Saber, energy bow and arrow and plumb hammer), Deception decoy #5, Force Adept #6.

The teams arrive in Arkham and are placed in a giant medical room that appears to be used for crazy 1960s physiological experiments.  Both teams depressed as they both know that they will not make the playoffs this year.  The two female representatives of each team

“Hey there.” Says Mon Mothma.

“Hey” Says Katniss Everdeen.

“This match is kinda pointless right?”

“Yeah, but we gotta play ‘em out.” Says Katniss.

“Why did your owner start you though?  In a week that doesn’t mean anything, he should be saving your deaths for next season.”  A curious Mon Mothma says to The Mockingjay.

“I don’t know.  He’s a retard.” An annoyed Everdeen says back.

“You know,” Mon Mothma says, “We don’t HAVE to fight.”

Katniss raises her eyebrow… “But that’s against the rules.  And both of us are very well known for following the rules.” She says.

Katniss and Mon Mothma both laugh.

“Well how do we compete without fighting?” asks Mon Mothma

The teams decide on a series of three competitive challenges to decide the winner.  The Deception Decoy will be a non bias judge and will not compete in the challenges.

Challenge 1 – Political Debate.  Mike Huckabee and Bill O’Reilly vs T3 Terminator.

The Terminator’s accelerated age and his lack of ability to speak in anything more than sputtering sentence fragments prove to be his downfall against the fast talking O’Reilly and the former Baptist minister. 

Empire leads 1-0.

Challenge 2 – Archery.  Katniss Everdeen vs Bill Kelly.

No contest.  Bill Kelly is sharp with his energy bow but The Girl on Fire is second to no one in an archery competition. 

Tied 1-1

Challenge 3 – Straight jacket relay.  Mon Mothma, Aaron Griswold and Force Adept #6 vs. Friedrich Nietzsche, Worf and Baby Nightcrawler. 

The 6 contestants are strapped up in straight jackets and they line up in two lines of three next to each other.  The objective is to run across the room and then come back before the next person on your team can go.  Mon Mothma and Worf square off first for their teams.  Worf is an experienced warrior and Mon Mothma is in a long dress.  Worf is back first and Nietzsche takes off.  He is halfway across the room when Mon Mothma finally gets back to tag in Aaron Griswold.  He takes off and quickly catches up with Nietzsche as they go to tag in their final teammates.  Force Adept takes off and Baby Nightcrawler begins to… well crawl.  Force Adept makes it back easily to cross the finish line before the Baby.

Griswold's Nut-Busters Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

Wednesday. A gloomy, humid evening in November. Diaphanous swirls of mist snaked their way around the wrought iron gates surrounding the city’s institution for the criminally insane. Something was afoot on the grounds of Arkham Asylum…something in a beautifully skin tight brown Henley shirt.
“Tooooo-night, out on the street out in the moonlight, and dammit this feels toooooo right……it’s just like déjà vu…..Fuck me, I love Nickelback!” Dexter Morgan quietly sang along with his favorite crooner Chad Kroeger as he went about his evening plans. As he tightened his grip on the bag containing his plethora of knives and plastic wrap, he noticed that his mobile was ringing. As he glanced at the screen, he rolled his eyes in annoyance. Nightcrawler. Interrupting one of his kills AGAIN. Dexter ignored the voice of his father spewing his usual unsolicited sanctimonious advice, and pushed “ignore” on the touch screen of his phone. Not a minute later, it rang again.
Dexter sighed and answered the phone. “Morgan.”
Nightcrawler sounded harried. “It’s a mess at Arkham Asylum-can't even tell what went down in that room. I'm lead detective on this one. We need a blood guy. You gotta get over there.”
I’m already here, Dexter thought in his inner dialogue voice that vaguely resembled that of a phone sex operator, then muttered gruffly, “Ok, I can head over there now. See you soon.” Dexter hung up the phone and had a temper tantrum, stomping his feet as hard as he could into the ground and stabbing a hole into his styrofoam coffee cup with his biggest knife. “Every. Fucking. Time.”
Earlier that day…..

Batgirl absentmindedly pulled the hair off the knuckles on her left hand. Her trichotillomania was really getting out of control again. “Jean Claude Van Dammit!!!” She spat as she stood outside Megaphone World, nearly blinded by the enormous neon sign proclaiming the name of the wrong damn store. She had been hiking for 17 hours in the wrong direction, on her way to Megaphone Emporium. Why in hell was she even going to the megaphone store in the first place? Had she even been patrolling Gotham City like she was supposed to? She couldn’t recall now, but she had definitely been hitting the wood grain alcohol pretty hard lately, so this wasn’t her first memory gap. “Oh well, I’m just having one of those days I guess.” Feeling exhausted from the long walk, she fished around in her purse for her therapist’s business card so she could call him over at his new office at Arkham Asylum. She got on the horn with his secretary and got an appointment for group therapy an hour later, then called her sponsor for a ride.
20 minutes later, Ewok #22 screeched to a halt in front of her on his Segway and motioned for her to climb on. They sped off for Arkham Asylum, stopping to pick up the other members of the support group along the way. Jawa #2 was face down on the lawn in front of his camper, out cold after a 5 day bender full of boozing, gambling, and hookers. Ewok and Batgirl scraped him off the ground and strapped him to the Segway with a couple of jumper cables and went to pick up Marine #62-65. When they arrived at their apartment, it was obvious that they were having a kleptomania flare-up, as there were piles and piles of stolen cheese of every variety in the living room. Batgirl nodded sympathetically as they hung their heads in shame and wordlessly followed her outside to meet the others.
Once at the asylum, the group was shown to the first meeting room, and everyone sat down in the chairs provided. Unfortunately, there had been a mix up with the meeting rooms, and in walked the members of a support group for those with explosive rage. Talon, Teneb Kel, Maggot, Exal Kresh, Annoying Orange and Storm Trooper #2 could be very territorial and in thinking that their room was being taken over, they began angrily shoving the others out their chairs. Annoying Orange snapped at people with his obscenely large, horsey teeth, managing to get Ewok #22 in the jugular. Seeing her sponsor taken out, Batgirl flew into a drunken rage of her own. She pulled some battarangs out of her utility belt and flung them at Annoying Orange and Maggot, slicing open their carotids and spattering blood around the room. Batwing was screaming obscenities and throwing chairs around the room, when one of the chairs connected with Jawa #2’s head, fatally wounding him. Batgirl rushed Batwing just as Storm Trooper #2 and Exal Kresh were furiously beating Marine #62-65. Batgirl put up a good fight, but was just too tanked to be able to fight properly. She slipped in one of the coagulating splashes of blood on the floor and fell head first on one of the broken chairs, crushing her skull like it was nothing more than a cantaloupe.

George Washington's Slaves Vs. Real Man's Rabble Rausers

George Washington's Slaves are Catwoman, Batgirl (Cassandra Cain) (w/ a darksaber), Bilbo Baggins (w/ a green lightsaber), Stewie Griffin (w/ a green lantern ring), and Smurf #3.

Real Man Rabble Rausers are Jules, Vincent Vega, and The Expendables: Barney Ross, Lee Christmas, Yin Yang, Gunnar Johnson, Toll Road, Hale Caesar, and Tool.


Jules and Vincent enter in to Arkham Asylum...

{Vincent}: I don't know about this new dude were workin for man. I mean Marcellus never had us walkin in to no insane asylum to do his dirty work.

{Jules}: Hey, ya gotta do what the man wants. And now the man is Real Man. I think dude is weird too, but hey ya gotta pay da bills right? At least he's supposedly sending in a team of real bad-a**es to back us up if we need it; but if what they say about this Catwoman chick is right, than we should still have shotguns for this s*^t. If we have to take care of her.

{Vincent}: What?? We have to take her out on the town or something?

{Jules}: NO... I mean, Take CARE of her (he says as he makes a gun motion to his own head).

{Vincent}: Ahh, I get it. I get it. We should definitely have shotguns for this s*^t.

...Jules and Vincent are granted access into the ward for the criminally insane do to some prior business dealing of their boss Eric, AKA: The Real Man. The guards just nod and let them through. They approach a cell where Selena Kyle, AKA Catwoman is being held. This is a woman who has spent some time in this place over the years. She has been an inmate, traveled here with Batman, broken in, broken out, and any other manner of thing you can do in a place. This particular time, the crime boss Real Man has arranged for her to be moved here from county jail so he could get to her. He has a score to settle with the cat burglar after she broke into his mom's heavily fortified basement and stole his entire collection of Rainbow Brite VHS Tapes, only to find out later that they were worthless and give them to a children's charity in Uruguay where they still actually had VHS Players.... Real Man wants his revenge, so he has sent his two associates Jules and Vincent and then has backed them up by a crew of highly trained; but “expendable” mercenaries to back them up in case there is trouble.

… Meanwhile... George Washington has dispatched Cassandra Cain and an elite group of short people to rescue Catwoman before she is killed by the agents of The Rabble Rausers.

{Stewie}: Why is it we are doing this again?

{Batgirl}: Because Washington said so. Personally, I never ask when it comes to Catwoman. I guess she is a good guy again this week. I have been trained to fight Catwoman, and I've fought alongside her. I've broken her out of this place, and places like it, and I've also had her put in them. Sometimes she is public enemy #1, and sometimes I have to act like she's my greatest ally. In the past for me, it usually just has to do with whether of not Batman is banging her that week; but at least this time I can deal with it by telling myself that they are General Washington's orders. And that's all we need to know...

Back at the cell.

{Jules}: Well Ms. Kyle, it appears that you have done something to upset our boss. Let me ask you something. What does Real Man look like.

{Catwoman}: He looks like a b#$%h.

{Vincent}: Ha. Damn Jules, she just answered your next question too.

{Jules}: Yeah, she did. I don't know where to go with this now. And you gotta admit, she's right. Real Man does kinda look like a bitch. I guess we just gotta shoot dis Motha%^%(r.

Jules and Vincent then both raise their guns up to shoot Catwoman but she moves swiftly. She kicks out a cinderblock from the wall and pulls out a whip that she had smuggled in for her. She uses it tie both of their hands together causing them both to drop their guns. Selena then flips her long seductive legs around the neck of Vincent and cracks his neck while she sticks her clawed finger into the eye of Jules. She walks out the door of her cell casually and sees Batgirl and her team approaching. Catwoman says: “Hmm, well, if it isn't the Batbrat. You're late”.

Just then, an alarm sounds in through the aarchaic loudspeakers of Arkham and Batgirl says: “You're out of your cell, our job is to get you out of Arkham. And I have a feeling that that job is just beginning.

...Just outside the gates of Arkham...

{Barney Ross}: ALRIGHT MEN, LISTEN UP. That was the alarm which means our boys inside must not have got the job done. That's where we come in. Our job is to kill Catwoman and any teammates of hers that may be inside. I know that that sounds like a pretty nasty job; but she is a pretty dangerous chick, and this guy Eric who is paying us has enough Hello Kitty Merchandise in his basement for us to set up an ebay account and spend the rest of our lives on a beach somewhere.

The Expendables bust in through the back exit of Arkham with guns blazing.

The Slaves hear the explosion and prepare themselves by hiding in one of the many dark corridors of Arkham. They stand at the ready when Bilbo presses the button on his lightsaber. “My blade is glowing, there must be goblins near”. Says Bilbo.

Batgirl retorts: “That's a lightsaber genius. It always glows. And at this point goblins are the least of our worries”.

Stewie shakes his head and says: “What the deuce is wrong with you people. We are so screwed”.

Catwoman attempts to calm the crowd and says: “Don't worry so much. It's just a bunch of muscle bound men and some guns to over-compensate for other areas that they are lacking in. Just stick close to Batgirl and I, and we'll take care of it”.

Catwoman's words come to fruition sooner than expected when the wall next to them suddenly becomes a pile of rubble. “LET'S DO THIS”!! Ross yells.

Stewie uses his green lantern ring to make a construct of Lois, which Tool instantly falls in love with and starts hitting on. “I really need to tweak this technology, it is so 1980's”. Stewie says as he then makes the Lois construct pull out a kitchen knife and stab Tool in the heart. Gunnar picks up Smurf #3 and bites its head off and then swallows it whole. He looks over at Yin Yang and says: “No worse than eating cat, right Yang”. “My people don't eat cat, you a**hole”. Yang says awkwardly in the worst delivered line of dialogue in the story. Bilbo then leaps out of the shadows and ignites his lightsaber. He quickly runs through Toll Road; but Barney Ross screams “NO” and makes that horrible face that he has made in every movie since 1977 and empties enough rounds to kill a brontosaurus into the Hobbit. “Take this There and Back Again you little Son of a B#%$%h”!! Rambo, I mean Ross screams almost incoherently. Stewie then attempts to use his ring to reconstruct his time machine, but that task is a bit too much for the novice-baby-lantern. Gunnar takes some pleasure in shooting the baby, but as he does the incomplete time machine comes down on Hale Caesar's head killing him as well. Now that the messy stuff is out of the way, Catwoman and Batgirl leap out of the shadows and attack. The two are barely seen by The Expendable crew, as Catwoman hangs from a rafter by her knees and wraps her whip around Lee Christmas' neck. She then flips down from the ceiling and quickly takes his legs out from under him with a sweep and then brings her leg down on his right shoulder which causes the whip to break his neck. Batgirl then uses a batarang to slice open Ross's trigger hand and then removes his head with her darksaber. It is too dark and the quarters are too close for guns; but Gunner and Yang welcome the opportunity for some hand to hand combat. They both throw down their machine guns and pull out huge knives; but Catwoman and Batgirl forget to look scared. They've both seen bigger weapons, and bigger dudes. Just to throw them off, Catwoman moves towards Yang who is actually an inch or two shorter than she, while Cain moves against Gunnar, whom she is dwarfed by. Yang and Catwoman trade blows (sounds hot, but not those kind of blows) but neither of them are able to break through the other's defenses. Gunnar on the other hand is doing all of the swinging in his fight. Both he and Batgirl know that one hit from Gunnar could end this fight, which is why Batgirl's plan is simple: Don't get hit. Batgirl swings her darksaber and Gunnar realizes quickly that his knife can't block it, as it is cut in half. Gunnar throws the broken knife aside; but doesn't let up. He swings his fists wildly; but Batgirl goes down low and takes out Gunnar's leg at the knee. She then swings back around and takes off his head. Yang spin kicks Catwoman's whip out of her hand and then knocks her to the ground. He takes his knife, spinning it downward and begins a thrust down to her chest, when a darksaber flies through the air and catches Yang in the forehead. Yang falls dead as Batgirl says to Catwoman: “Well, I guess I brought some expendables with me too; but hey mission accomplished”.

The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets Vs. Shemalabama’s Shit Kickers

The Midgets consist of Emperor Joker, Walter Day, Dark Side Adept #3, Hobbit #1, & Pony #1

The Shit Kickers consist of Yogurt, Baby Storm, Orko, Molar-Eternian, Kyle Broflovski, Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Kenny McCormick, & Juliet.

The Midgets arrive at Arkham Asylum with their new name, ready to fight. Due to the recent influx of minorities into Gotham , the prison has become extremely overcrowded with the surplus being relocated to the asylum, which could not be emptied for this week’s battle. The Midgets are undressed by the eyes of the prisoners and regret their name change as they realize they are about to become bottoms.

The Shit Kickers are in a similar situation as they enter the match. Most of them are worrying about which gang they should join, while Juliet has a happy “I’m becoming a mother” day and tries to figure out if she was just impregnated by Tyrell or Tyrone.

“Hey man, your chocolate taco is lookin’ tasty!” says a Mexican inmate to Eric Cartman. As the man advances towards the boy Molar-Eternian Dentist gives him a good prison shanking. This starts an all-out prison brawl leaving Orco, baby storm, Hobbit #1, Pony #1, Yogurt, and Juliet (and her recently well fertilized womb) dead. Security stops the fight and escorts everyone back to their rooms.

The Shit Kickers break out of their rooms and go hunting for the enemy.  They split up, as the south park crew sticks together and Molar-Eternian Dentist goes it alone.

The South Park crew wander around aimlessly and are about to give up when Emperor Joker appears. The four run at Emperor Joker and punch him repeatedly. He laughs maniacally as their punches do nothing. Kenny begins to realize that there is nothing they could possibly do to kill Emperor Joker, and that they are likely about to die. “I’m sick of always being the one who has to die!” says Kenny, right before he stabs all of his friends in the back.

“I like this one, I think I’ll let him live.” Says Emperor Joker

After some searching, Molar-Eternian Dentist comes to a room where he finds an old man meditating. “I have heard of you before, you are Walter Day aren’t you?” says Molar-Eternian Dentist

“Yes I am. How may I help you?” replies Walter Day

Molar-Eternian Dentist has a confused look on his face. “What kind of Team Owner would send a decrepit old pacifist into battle?” He barks.

“I am old, no doubt about it. And yes, I am a pacifist. If you wish to kill me, go ahead, I will not fight back. Before you do, I think you may be interested in what I have to say.” Says Walter Day

This piques Molar-Eternian Dentist’s interest. “Okay” he says, “but make it quick, I have others to kill after you.”

“You know, when people meditate, they often contemplate happiness. I do as well, but recently I have been meditating on the origins of the FFL. It is then that I realized that the two are interrelated.  I thought to myself, what is the antithesis of happiness?”

“Constipation?” asks Molar-Eternian Dentist

“Exactly!” responds Walter Day. “You see, people are the least happy when they are constipated, and the happiest after a fresh dump. The commissioner of this league only takes a dump once a month, making him an angry man. When he created this league he hadn’t pooped in quite a while, and angrily filled the draft list with people who apparently don’t take dumps either so they just want to fight each other all the time. He even failed to put toilets in the locker rooms so that no one could poop and the teams would be forced to fight each other out of anger. This is why we fight, we all just want to poop.” Says Walter Day

“Wait,” Interrupts Molar-Eternian Dentist “When you say commissioner you mean Josh, but didn’t you know that this league was CO-CREATED?!?”

“Yeah whatever, Ryan doesn’t poop much either, they are both equally constipated.” Replies Walter Day. 

“They both held their poop in for the creation of this league. Happy? Anyways, the point is that I have found the key to happiness. Consume plenty of vegetable and coffee and you will be very happy.”

 
Molar-Eternian Dentist notices that the room has a foul odor.  He looks around to see he is standing in about two feet of feces. “I’m done listening.” Says Molar-Eternian Dentist, as he lunges at Walter Day. Walter Day quickly levitates into the air as Molar-Eternian Dentist swings at him. He misses, slips on the feces and knocks himself out, causing him to drown in Walter's poop.

TEAM Vs. Dope Fiends

Season 6: Week 9

TEAM Vs. Griffin's High Mantenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers.

TEAM is: Green Lantern Batman, Justice Legion Alpha Batman.

The Dope Fiends are: The Predator Crew(Dutch Schaeffer, George Dillon, Mac Elliot, Billy Sole, Blain Cooper, Poncho Ramirez, Rick Hawkins.

The Predator crew cautiously searches Arkham Asylum for their targets. They arrive in the artium, and find Justice Legion Alpha Batman waiting for them. "AAAARRRGHHHH AHHHHGRRAAAAHH!!!" yells Dutch Schaeffer. A confused JLA Batman cocks his head to the side. "Sorry, he's hard to understand at first. He asked about the location of your partner." explains George Dillon. An enlightened Batman nods. "I gave him the night off." replies Batman. Connor and Hawkins laugh, then open fire with "Ol Painless" and a heavy machine gun. Hundreds of bullets rip through the holographic avatar of JLA Batman. Billy turns as Batman from the far future turns off his suit's stealth camoflage. Billy throws his knife, but Batman catches it and slits Billy's throat. Batman eviserates Hawkins, following with a sweep to Cooper's legs. Blain Cooper falls, and the errant bullets from the minigun cut Poncho and Mac Elliot in half. Cooper is ended by Billy's blade buried in his forehead while still on the ground. Dutch squares off with JLA Batman as Dillon attempts to grab Batman from behind. Dillon is dropped by a liver exploding mule kick. Dutch closes the gap and begins pounding Batman with left and right hooks. JLA Batman rolls with the punches and regains his composure. He intercepts the next punch and breaks Dutch's arm. He remains in contol of the limb and spin Schaeffer into the tiled wall face first. JLA finally ends Dutch with an elbow strike to the head, crushing it against the wall. Batman cracks his knuckles as he surveys the damage. "They wouldn't last two seconds on Pluto." he comments to himself.

Across town, Green Lantern Batman kneels in Crime Alley, placing a rose on the concrete. "Happy Mother's Day."

s6w9- Kennelz vs Team SP

Team Sleeping Pussy are: Vampire Batman, The Lizard and Bubastis

Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve are: Kingdome Come Batman, Green Lantern Ryan Poteracki, and C.M. Punk w/ flamethrower

The blood seems to be pooling around his feet. He can't even remember being hit by anything. C.M. Punk, feels an unfamiliar feeling. Fear. Panic. He searches desperately for his teammates, but can't see them. All he can hear, aside from the pounding of his own heartbeat is the words.

"Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve: All dead. TEAM SLEEPING PUSSY IS VICTORIOUS!!"

 Punk can't believe his ears. His official debut in the FFL ends like this? He can hear the inevitable catcalls and jeers. More of the CuM Punk jokes. But, he doesn't feel dead. Surely this is a mistake. It's gotta be.

"Enough." says a voice, and Punk feels a blast of odd smelling air on his face. His vision clears, and he sees his teammates in front of him.

"And that's what Scarecrow's fear toxin can do to you" says Kingdome Come Batman "Remember, the antidote is in the third capsule back from your right side."

"Yeah. Yeah." stammers Punk, still a bit shaken "Third from the back. Got it"

The Kennelz continue through Arkham, and pass the main holding area. Green Lantern Ryan continues to converse with his teammates

"It's a wrap, ya know? Joker. Harley Quinn and the Scarecrow? In Arkham. I don't know why the Grindhouse would even bother showing up. I'm gonna crush them, and then it's on to the PlayOffs where I'll crush them again. I gotta tell you, I'm ready for that Universe Bowl Trophy to come back home to the Horsemen."

KC Batman begins to question on why a member of the Kennelz would want to see the Horsemen win the Universe Bowl, when he hears a noise. "Hold it." he growls, and his hand instinctively goes to his utility belt. Punk shakily aims his flamethrower and takes a breath, to try and steady his nerves. The fear toxin is dissipating, but not out of his system yet.

"Hey Harley!" says Ryan,  as he passes the cell of Harley Quinn "Execute maneuver 34D!"

Harley giggles "Whateva you say, Mistah P" Harley then exposes her breasts and presses them to the glass, much to the delight of Ryan.

"Haha. Awesome." he says "See guys! I friggin run this place! My players do whatever I say, when I say it! We got this in the bag! Nothing can sto-"

There's suddenly a roar, and Ryan is knocked to the floor. Bubastis has managed to take a pretty decent sized chunk out of Ryan's shoulder, but nothing fatal. Bubastis circles the wounded lantern and prepares another attack. Before that strike can come, KCBats throws a few smoke pellet, and blinds the beast. KCBats switches to nightvision and quickly finishes off the creature.

"S**t! That F**KING HURT!" yells Ryan, as he conjures up to very comely, buxom, slutty nurses to bandage his shoulder. Ryan continues to seethe. "F**k this. I don't have the patience for this bulls**t" he says. The slutty nurses disappear, as Ryan wills a giant crowbar to smash open the cell of Harley, and then the cell of the Joker.

"Ok, guys. Now here's the thing-" he begins.

Before he can say another word, the Joker shanks Ryan right in the neck.

"You're a lot of things, but your not MY owner!" he laughs "And NO ONE tells the Joker what to do. Come on Harls. Let's go on a duck hunt." and the two take off.

KC Batman finds himself conflicted. His natural instinct is to chase down the Clown Prince of Crime, but he knows there's more pressing matters. The decision actually gets made for him, as the scent of freshly spilled blood has attracted Vampire Batman. The smell of blood has whipped him into a frenzy and he explodes on the scene. His vampire augmented speed and strength are no match for the elderly, armored version of himself. Before KC Batman can get his holy water, his throat is torn open.

The blood begins to pool around CM Punk's feet. An eerie vision of what he saw under the influence of the Scarecrow's fear gas. Punk grits his teeth and says one thing.

"No."

He presses the trigger of his flamethrower, and sets Vampire Batman scurrying. There's a roar behind him. Punk whirls, the flamethrower still belching flames. The Lizard finds himself set ablaze. He roars at Punk and scurries off to extinguish himself.

"Flames won't do much to stop me" growls Vampire Batman  he screams and rushes at Punk. He grabs ahold of him, and immediatley recoils in pain. He reaches for Punk again, but is unable to touch him.

"You must not be awar of who I am, or what my holy crusade is. Allow me to introduce myself" smirks the Staright Edge Superstar "I'm the Second City Saint. The Straight Edge savior of the masses.  I AM THE BEST IN THE WORLD! The man who will deliver you from the sins of drugs, tobacco and alcohol. My pure blood cannot be touched by a lesser, weaker being such as yourself"  Punk grabs his fallen teammates utility belt, and puts it on. He easily finds the holy water, and throws it into the face of the recoiling vampire Batman. The ringed hand of the deceased green lantern Ryan begins to twitch

"I vowed that I would never smoke" mocks Punk as the skin of vampire Batman begins to bubble and smoke "But I guess you aren't strong enough to make that vow!" Punk grabs a batarang and plunges it into the heart of vampire Batman. This act has washed away any lingering doubt, and Punk remembers exactly what he does best. Piss people off. He locks into his "Straight Edge Jesus" persona and begins to cut a promo. "CURTIS CONNORS! HEAR MY WORDS!!! PUT YOUR HAND IN THE AIR AND FEEL ME FLOW THROUGH YOUR VEINS, LIKE YOUR POISONOUS LIZARD SERUM!!! ALLOW THE POWER OF STRAIGHT EDGE TO HEAL YOU!!! I AM THE ROLE MODEL THAT YOU NEED! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A WEAK, COLDBLOODED MONSTER!! YOU CAN BE STRONG LIKE ME!!!"

The Lizard has heard enough. Between the humiliation of  being set ablaze and Punk's incendiary words, whatever control Curt Connors had over the animalistic nature of the Lizard is totally gone. The beast lunges forward, but is stopped midair. The Lizard thrashes and roars, unable to move. If he was able to process what has transpired, he would see that the green lantern ring that once belonged to Ryan Poteracki, now is on the finger of C.M. Punk. The reason Connors can't move is  Punk has called upon the power of will to create a construct. Punk has crucified  the Lizard to a glowing green construct. The symbol of the straight edge movement, an X which means do not serve me, incapacitates the monster.

"Poor, monster" gloats Punk as he pulls a cartridge from his newly acquired utility belt "See this? This is the antidote to ManBat serum, but I'd bet that it's work on your Lizard serum" The Lizard roars at Punk, but Punk isn't fazed. "See, I'd give it to you, but I'm not a doctor. I don't have the right to distribute narcotics, so by giving this to you- I'd be nothing more than a drug dealer. The true scum of the earth. Disgusting" Punk then smashes the vial on the floor. He points the nozzle at the flamethrower at the Lizard and continues "Just remember one thing. You took all this serum and you still failed. STRAIGHT EDGE MEANS I AM BETTER THAN YOU!!!"

The Lizard screams out, as Punk pulls the trigger and the Lizard is once again lit ablaze. Only this time, he's unable to go anywhere. As the Lizard burns, Punk flies out of Arkham and once again yells to the sky

"BEST IN THE WORLD!!!!"

S6 Wk9: Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats vs Royal Highness

Layanderlett’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Working Together to Make a New Family are White Lantern Batman, Robin: Dick Grayson, Bat-Girl: Betty Kane, Harley Quinn Monkey, and Gramma Nutt.

The Royal Highness is Phantom Stranger and The Red Hood: Jason Todd w/a blue lightsaber.

White Lantern Batman ponders to himself as he prepares for the final battle of this year’s regular season.

“For as long as I can remember I have been forced to carry this burden. The weight of this ring is heavy on my soul. Why? Why must the White Entity embody me? Is it because so often I have put young children into harm’s way time and time again? Am I being punished? Has this entire thing that I have known as the FFL been in reality, a form of purgatory?”

A young voice then begins to echo in what seems like the distance.

“Batman.”

“Hey Batman.”

“Bruce!”

This finally shakes White Lantern Batman from his farlong daze. He turns to his side and sees his first Robin, Dick Grayson, still young and hopeful. The years have yet to age him into the man known as Nightwing. Robin finishes packing his utility belt with his bird-a-rangs, smoke bombs and flash bangs.

“Dude, you going to be ok? We’ve got work do to in Arkham tonight,” Robin says to his mentor. “Which is never an easy night if you ask me.”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine, Dick,” responds White Lantern Batman. “But be careful out there tonight.”

Robin shoots him a smirk as he races out the locker room, “Come on Batman. Aren’t I always?”

The Harley Quinn Monkey from Earth 2 lets out a screech and scampers past White Lantern Batman, before climbing up onto Bat-Girl’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry about it Batman,” reassures Bat-Girl. “We’ll be back victorious before you can even say Holy strait jacket.”

Still worrisome of tonight’s battle, White Lantern leaves the locker room, for what could be the very last time.

Lightning cracks the midnight sky, as a torrential downpour begins to pound down in Gotham City. Moments later there is a massive boom of thunder that fills the air. Robin eagerly leads the team towards Arkham Asylum. With a couple parkour hops, he leaps with excitement over the stone wall that surrounds the asylum. White Lantern Batman, flies effortlessly over the wall and uses his ring to bring Bat-Girl, Harley Quinn-Monkey and Gramma Nutt over as well.

“My my my. I do feel quite out of place in this dreadful building,” the CandyLand native murmurs to herself.

“Fear not, Gramma. You have been with the Kitties since we were originally known as P.M.S. Your experience and magical peanuts could prove very useful tonight,” White Lantern Batman says.

Batman then hears some laughing from high above on a balcony. Only it’s not the laughter from the Joker that one would expect to hear echoing through the halls of Arkham. Yet it is still very familiar.

“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me?” the voice cackles. “You brought this old lady to aid you? Give me a break Bruce. Oh wait, the Joker already did that. Several times. With a crowbar. Remember? Ah… the good ‘ol days.”

The worrisome look on White Lantern Batman’s face quickly turns to an angry scowl as he realizes who is mocking him.

“Jason,” he growls.

Red Hood flips down off from the balcony and in front of Bat-Girl.

“Hey check this out. I bet you’ve never seen this before,” Red Hood quips and in an instant he grabs a hold of the young blonde girl and breaks her neck, twisting her head completely around.

Betty’s eyes stare blankly at White Lantern Batman as they begin to roll back into her head. A small amount of blood trickles down from her nose as Red Hood tosses the body up against a cell that appears to have once held the serial killer, Mr. Zsasz.

“NOOOOOO!!!!” shouts White Lantern Batman.

Batman then fires a bolt of white energy towards Bat-Girl’s lifeless body, but it is deflected by a mysterious force.

“I am sorry Bruce, but I cannot allow you to do that. This is the course that has been set forth; I mustn’t let you alter things of this nature. The ramifications would be too dire for your teammate. She shall rise again in your locker once this contest is over,” says the Phantom Stranger as he lets his presence known.

“Boys, boys, boys. Now now, that’s no way to act in front of Gramma Nutt,” the CandyLand matriarch says as White Lantern Batman and Phantom Stranger begin to square off.

She then reaches into the pockets of her apron and pulls out a handful of magical peanuts. Gramma Nutt takes aim and launches them at Phantom Stranger. But the mysterious being outstretches his hand and redirects them back at Gramma Nutt, eradicating her into a smear of peanut butter all over a clear acrylic cell door.

Robin then leaps into action and punches Red Hood in his head and then follows it up with a spin kick to the chest that sends Jason reeling backwards.

“Ha, I was hoping Bruce would be dumb enough to bring you here tonight, Dick,” Red Hood says as he takes his now cracked helmet off and tosses it down.

“Screeeeeeeeecccchh,” squeals Harley Quinn Monkey as she leaps off of a hanging light and towards Jason Todd.

The Red Hood however pulls his blue lightsaber out of his jacket, quickly ignites it and slices the monkey in twain.

“That’s it Jason,” Robin growls. “Time to teach you exactly why you will forever be second fiddle to me.”

The original Robin and the man who once took up that mantle begin to circle each other. Both combatants carefully measure each other up before engaging in battle. Jason reacts first and lets out a yell before racing towards Dick. The two parry, block and counter every single attack the other throws at them. Batman trained them both well. This is something that is causing a distraction in White Lantern Batman in this fight against Phantom Stranger.

“Your new power is great, Batman,” Phantom Strangers bellows ominously. “But it fits you ill.”

Phantom Stranger then fires a powerful energy bolt at Batman, but the White Lantern puts up a protective shield against the attack.

“You are one to talk about ill-fitting power…. Judas Iscariot,” grunts White Lantern Batman as he continues to block the energy bolts being launched at him.

This enrages Phantom Stranger, which causes him to intensify his attack. The blasts launch Batman crashing through a wall.

“You know nothing of my past, orphan, and you are far from earning the right to call me by my given name,” Phantom Stranger growls.

“Bruce! You ok?!” shouts Robin as he continues to defend against the Red Hood’s attack.

White Lantern Batman blasts the debris that covers him as he regains his composure.

“I’m fine, Dick. Do not lose focus. I am not going to lose you today,” shouts Batman.

Batman’s comment infuriates the Red Hood, who side steps Robin. He grabs the Boy Wonder by his cap, yanks him down to the ground and pins him down to the ground by pushing his knee into Robin’s back.

“Lose him? LOSE HIM BRUCE?!?!” shouts Jason. “Where was this compassion when you sent me out in battle time and time again?!”

Batman starts to respond but is cut off by the Red Hood. “IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE BRUCE! NOW YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH LOSING DICK TOO!”

The Red Hood ignites his lightsaber, raises it in the air and begins to thrust it down towards the back of Robin’s head. White Lantern Batman fires a blast of White Energy towards Red Hood, but everything all of a sudden stops in time.

“I’ve already told you Bruce that I wasn’t going to allow you to intervene with the course of tonight’s events,” Phantom Stranger says to Batman as he has stop time all around the two of them.

“I may not be able to save Robin, but I can stop you from walking away today, Stranger,” Bruce says.

He then goes to bended kneed and musters every last bit of white energy that he can. White Lantern Batman then lets out a yell as he outstretches his arms and unleashes a blinding blast of white energy at Phantom Stranger.

Time once again begins to slowly click by, and then quickly speeds up to its normal speed. The Red Hood continues with his lightsaber thrust, but Robin was patient and swiftly moves out of the way and out from his opponent. He then in a blink of an eye turns ignited lightsaber around and jams it up underneath Jason’s chin. The blue glow from the lightsaber pours out from the Red Hood’s open mouth as it then pierces through and out the top of his head.

“Holy jack-o-lantern, I’m fast,” Robin quips as Red Hood’s body falls to the ground.

Phantom Stranger’s fedora then blows past Robin as he tosses the lightsaber aside. “You see that Batman? Batman…..”

Robin turns around and sees Batman’s White Lantern ring on the floor of Arkham with no sign of either the Phantom Stranger or White Lantern Batman. Robin solemnly kneels down, picks up the ring and puts it into his utility belt as he realizes that he is the sole survivor of this battle.

Spoiler Sport: Week 8

Hello everyone, Cotton McKnight here. Welcome to Spoiler Sport. Here on The Ocho! The punishing Jundland Wastes took little pity on teams that travelled lighty this week.

We begin in The Stan Lee Conference, where The Tolkien Division maintained status quo. TEAM had a predictable win against Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies, in part to Fizzatz Haderach. The Dopefiends destroy Griswold's Nut Busters, giving The Busters one last chance to gain that elusive victory. In The Herbert Division, The Kennelz cage the Kitties, as the Dune locals were too much for White Lantern Batman. The Royal Highness rolls Team Sleeping Pussy, with Yoda's FFL experience leading the way again.

Meanwhile, in The Clarke Division of The Lucas Conference, The Slaves revolt against The Empire, proving once again that George Washington is their only master. The Red Army/Rabblerousers match started with a car crash and ended with a train wreck, thanks to everybody's favorite drunk Jen Linley.

The Spielberg Division was action packed, with the Shemalabama Shit-Kickers barely overcoming The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse, despite an impressive line up... and Real Man. Finally, we had a glimpse into the foundations of The FFL. The Horsemen barely win again against the determined Brotherhood of Evil Midgets, but the future looks brighter than ever thanks to this fourth wall shattering bout! We here at Spoiler Sport would like to thank these two visionaries for our existance, as well as give our condolences to the families of the three Spoiler Sport crew members that committed suicide upon realizing the gravity of this disturbing revelation.

Speaking of suicide attempts, we head to Pepper Brooks for our weekly graveyard resurrection points update. Pepper!

"Muh muhmuh muh muhhmuh muh. Muh muhmuh muhhmuh, muh muhmuhmuh. Muhmuh muh, muh muh muhhmuh. Muhmuh, muh muh muh. Muh, muh muhmuh muh, muhmuh, muhhmuh muh muh MUH! Muh muh muh. Muhmuh muhhmuh muh muh muh muhhmuh muhhm! Muh muhmuh Mmuh...

Thanks Pepper! You still got it! This week, the divisions will be settled, and the play-off match up possibilities could drive you insane! Luckily, the finest orderlies will be available as The FFL finishes the regular season off at Arkham Asylum!

For The Ocho, I'm Cotton McKnight. Stay tuned for Back Alley Craps, this time in the lovely city of St. Louis. Thank you, and good night.