Thursday, July 10, 2014

Season 7, Consolation Round 3 - Horsemen vs Turrible Decisions

Ryatu looks up from his desk inside the Horsemen clubhouse as a knock is heard on his door.  Taking the last swig of Jack Daniels from a bottle, he drops it to the floor with the others.  His anger over his loss in the conference finals has turned to depression.  The last thing he wants to do is talk to or see another person.


“Enter! You F#$%ING Loser!”


Snowflame enters his office and while he is normally very vocal and outgoing, he is extremely reserved in the presence of his owner.


“Mr Ryatu…” He begins, “some of the guys are… well… the guys were wondering why…” he struggles to get the question out.


“Spit it out SnowFu*k!” says and annoyed Ryatu who cracks open a new bottle.


“Well, sir.  It’s the trades.  We all felt like we had a good season.  Back to back 8-1 seasons, a championship last year and we went really far this year too.”


“You guys lost, Snowglobe.  That makes you ALL losers.  And I don’t keep losers on my team!” Ryatu says opening his laptop.  “So what team do you want to go to?  I hear the Rabble Rousers are looking for a bench warmer.  Maybe I’ll trade you for a dozen Smurfs”


“Please.  No.  I need to stay!” Snowflame begs,  “I’m a Horseman.  I don’t belong on any other team.  Plus I got so many guys hooked on coke that you would have half your roster in withdrawals for next year.  We aren’t losers sir.  We are a great team.”


“Pretty sure you are still a loser.” Ryatu says leaning back in his chair. “But if you want to prove me wrong, go show me where it counts.  Go show the league what happens when you f*#k with The Horsemen.”


Snowflame stands up straight with pride.  “Yes, sir” he says before turning to head out the door.  Ryatu stops him as he hovers in the threshold.


“And Snowball…” Ryatu says as Snowflame looks back, “ Send a fu#*&ing message.”


-------


“Quit screaming!” Snowflame yells as he is repeatedly punching Sandra Bullock in the face.  He already broke both her arms and legs to keep her in one spot.  Snowflame stops the attack and looks down on her mangled face and smiles.  The academy award winning actress has finally calmed down enough and has focused her energy on taking deep breaths.  She coughs and gags on her own blood and teeth, spitting them back in the face of her attacker.  “Dumb Bitch” he says giving her another large backhand.


He stands up and wipes the blood off his face on Care Becks’ soft belly. He has the vile bear bound and gagged with his belt and even though he is filled with rage, he can’t help but giggle as Snowflame inadvertently tickles his belly.  Snowflame slings the teddy ruxpin wanna be back over his left shoulder, secured in his belt, and sets Bullock on his right.  He climbs down to where the giant Donkey Kong lay docile on the ground.  His breathing is rhythmic but slowing. He is unable to move after having his spinal cord cut.


“Stay with me Kong.” Snowflame says. Don’t go ruining the surprise by dying on me.
“What are you going to do?” a terrified Bullock asks.
“You know who John Madden is?” Snowflame asks.  “This is going to be a sort of tribute to one of his favorite meals.”


Snowflame drops Bullock to the ground without care and taking out his knife, cuts the belly of Care Becks open and removes handfuls of stuffing.  Without the support of the cotton, Care Becks can only watch as Snowflame drops his pants and takes a dump inside the open chest cavity of the bear.


Terrified and appalled, Bullock watches as Snowflame approaches her.  “You’re next sweetie.” he says, removing her clothes and exposing her bare torso.  He stops for a second and grins as he takes in her naked form.  His grin fades and he turns the knife around in the palm of his hand.  Hovering over her, he cuts her open from sternum to navel.  Bullock nearly passes out from the pain.  Picking up the shit filled bear, Snowflame opens up the flesh of Bullock and crams the bear inside her.


In similar fashion, he opens up the belly of the beast and stuffs Bullock & Bear in with the intestines of Donkey Kong.


Taking out a Zippo, he lights it, looking into the eyes of Kong.


“Nobody Fucks with the Horsemen.” He says as he tosses the lighter.

This sets the fur of Donkey Kong on fire, engulfing the trio, who are relieved to finally die.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Trade Update...

The Horsemen of Apokolips have made the following trades:

The Dinobots: Slag, Snarl, Sludge and Swoop to THE COMMANDOS for The Sucker Punch Crew.

White Suite Anakin Skywalker and CM Punk to MICKEY MOUSE GRINDHOUSE for Black Tom Cassidy and Stryfe.

Darkseid to THE EMPIRE for Faker.

Godzilla, Batman, Commissioner Jim Gordon, Alfred Pennyworth, Elderly Bruce Wayne w/ his dog, R2 Unit #11 and Bedtime Bear to THE ROYAL HIGHNESS for Professor Charles Xavier, Imhotep, Anak Sanamun and the A-Team.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Season 7, Week 3 Consolation Match: Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies vs. Real Man's Rabblerousers

“Looks so good, bring a tear to your eye.  Sweet cherry pie, yeah.”

           
-Warrant [Cherry Pie]

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 7, Week 3 Consolation Match located at the Pie Stage of Donkey Kong. They are as follows:

Murderflies: Vampire Lestat.

Rabblerousers: Sheeva.

A LOUD SMASH IS HEARD AS A PIE STRIKES THE GROUND FLOOR. 

Let the match begin. . .

Sheeva’s battle cry is heard as it echoes across the tower of ladders and conveyors.

Sheeva: For the Shokan!!!

Sheeva rushes at Lestat and utilizes her “throw” move to grab the vampire using her upper arms, while delivering two body blows using her lower arms.  Lestat falls to the girder below.  The vampire looks up to see Sheeva attempting to “jump stomp” him.  Lestat is too quick as he twists over the warrior and sinks his teeth into the neck of Sheeva.  The bite does some damage, but not enough to fatally wound the Mortal Kombat fighter.  Lestat soars in the air at Sheeva, who uses her “anti-air grab” move to capture the undead midair, throwing him to the ground and then stomping on both his chest and groin. 

Lestat:  You b@#ch!

Lestat shakes off the pain and delivers a strike across the neck of Sheeva, who screams in pain as blood begins to trickle down her sinewy form. 

Sheeva manages to capture Lestat in a bear hug.  Lestat struggles, but the Shokan holds true.  Sheeva uses a signature move and rips Lestat’s arms off with her lower arms, slaps the vampire twice in the face with his severed arms, breaking his neck with the second slap.  Lestat cracks his neck back into place by sheer will alone.  Taking advantage of the situation, Sheeva brings her fists down upon Lestat’s head in succession using her “hammerhead” move, driving him into the ground.  The pies repeatedly strike Lestat’s face, whose head only rises above the level. 

Sheeva then uses her signature move – “stomping fatality” to finish off Lestat.

 

Monday, July 7, 2014

King of Consolation: B3 vs Nutbusters.

Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches are: Triple H w/red lightsaber, The Rock w/ blue lightsaber and Dr Evil w/ indigo lantern ring.

Griswold's Nut-Busters are: Age of Apocalypse Nightcrawler, ICP (Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J), Marlon Brando, and Ewok Child #1


The Nut-Busters arrive in the trap door level of Donkey Kong Country and lay their eyes on their prize- Admiral Ackbar's 2 seater B-Wing.

Suddenly, Ackbar's security system begins to blare

"IT'S A TRAP" *SIREN NOISE* "IT'S A TRAP" *SIREN NOISE* "IT'S A TRAP"

"Yo. Yoyoyo. That sh*t is MAD annoying" yells Shaggy 2 Dope

"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THAT WACA** ALARM" screams Violent J

Suddenly Violent J is decapitated in a red flash and a blue lightsaber explodes through Shaggy's chest the other Nut-Busters whirl around and see Triple H and The Rock standing before them. Triple H clicks a button and the sound "beep boop" silences the alarm.

"They said that alarm is annoying and that this was a trap" smirks Triple H.

The Nut-Busters rush forward when one of the trap doors opens beneath their feet sending them plummeting to their deaths.

"Well that was easy" says the Rock

"Yeah, a little TOO easy" replies The Game.

BAMF AoA Nightcrawler appears in fromt of them.

"Ello, and En Garde" he says as he takes a sword fighting stance.

"The Rock's got this one." says Dwayne Johnson as Triple H motions for him to go ahead

They began to duel. Nightcrawler avoids all of the People's Champ's death blows by teleportation, but his code of honor will not let him attack his opponent from behind. He finally gains the advantage, and stabs The Rock through the chest.

Unfortunately, Triple H doesn't share the same honorable code and immediately  hits Nightcrawler from behind as the Rock dies, lacerating his tendon and rendering him unable to walk.

"Valiant effort, but if there's one thing a Beckman is good at, it's costing someone from Apocalypse a championship. He goes to finish off Nightcrawler when there's a shimmer of orange light and a loud explosion.

Superman appears in front of him.

Superman, seeing the scene playing out in front of him rushes forward and snaps the dazed Triple H's neck before he can strike.

"What was that for?" asks Nightcrawler as he struggles to his feet.

"I don't have much time" says Superman "I have to get back to my match against the Commandos but before I go I need you to tell me everything you can about the Phoenix Force. It's a matter of life and..."

before he can finish his sentence or get the information that just might save his life, Superman disappears into the timestream again, not knowing if he'll return to his original match or at another random time.

Nightcrawler reaches his feet and begins to laugh through the pain.

"We did it. We DID IT!! We're the Kings of..."

His head explodes in a flash of indigo light.

Dr Evil raises his pinky to his lips and says

"Nok."

Universe Bowl VII

I would like to formally congratulate both Layanderlet`s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to make a New Family and The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets for making it to the seventh annual Universe Bowl.

As everyone knows it is a long season and not an easy task to make it this far. I hope that you will be enjoying the next two months as this match will be soon getting under way.

The format of this match will be slightly different so if at first it comes off as strange, just stick with it. It will all make sense in the end.

With that I wish the both of you luck and I hope you both enjoy the story that is to come. The first post can be expected shortly.

Nickatu the Watcher

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Consolation Round 3: The Empire vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

The Empire is: Watchdogs #5-8

Team Sleeping Pussy is: Vanisher


The Empire's Watchdogs arrived at Donkey Kong's pie level on a mission. They had word that some immoral activity was underway at the pastry factory; Apes behaving inappropriately toward women, women dressing provocatively, and perhaps worst of all the delicious desserts being put to waste in the commotion. As they scaled the conveyor belts, they came across an absurdly costumed man walking casually along the belt and eating from the oncoming pies. "Thief! Those pies are the property of Entenmann's, a subsidiary of Bimbo Bakeries USA!" Shooting first and asking questions later, Watchdog #5 fired his shotgun, but Vanisher had vanished. He heard a crack and turned to see #7 carried away by conveyor with a broken neck. "Stealing pies AND murder? Show yourself and accept corporal punishment immediately!" Vanisher obliged and appeared between #6 and #8, pushing them from the sides of the platform before disappearing again. "Only God should have the power to be anywhere at once!" #5 began firing wildly around him hoping to hit his unseen enemy. Vanisher appeared behind him, grabbed him by the arms and pointed the shotgun at the Watchdog holding it. "Wait, please! We were just here to murder an endangered Giant Cartoon Ape for lewd misconduct!" he cried. Vanisher raised the barrel away. "Oh, you just wanted to see the ape? Why didn't you say so?" Again he grabbed #5 and the teleported to the top of the level where he shoved #5 into the raging Donkey Kong. "Happy to help!"

Rob C is Back!!!

Hello FFL lads:
I'm back from Jolly Ole' England and I madest me a song, I did!  Keep in your head that Mary Poppins movie as you hum to yourself me sonnet.  Enjoy lads!!!  Rob C out!!!


Chim, chimney
Chim, chimney
Chim, chim, cher-ee
I'm back from Jolly England
It's me boys, Rob C

Chim, chimney
Chim, chimney
Chim, chim, cher-oo
I blew all the boys
And drank all their goo

Now as the ladder of life
Has been strung
You may think Rob C's
On the bottommost rung

Though I spends me time
With the young lads and blokes
In this 'ole wide world
There's nothing I'd rather smoke

Chim, chimney
Chim, chimney
Chim, chim, cher-ee
I am a pedi
A boy lover is me

Chim, chimney
Chim, chimney
Chim, chim, cher-oo
Good luck will rub off
When I suck your testes blue

 I choose me sex toys
With pride, yes, I do
A clamp for the shaft
And a bristle for your flute

Up where the special sauce
Is all billered and curled
'Tween balls and the head
Is Rob C's world

Chim, chimney
Chim, chimney
Chim, chim, cher-ee
That's all I have to say
Signing off is Rob C.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Consolation: Round 3: Grindhouse vs. Commandos

Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse features: Wizard Nick Houslander w/flesh rotting gun and Golem gun, and Geoff Johns w/healing gun.

The Spirit of Barack Obama and Miley "Twerking it for America" Touring Commandos are: Foolkiller.

This match is unwatchable, as Foolkiller has exterminated NuFaGtu.

Cleaning House....

The entire coaching staff for the Horsemen of Apokolips have been relinquished of their duties and have also been each executed. Every single member of the roster have been put on noticed that NO ONE is safe from being traded after quite possibly the most abysmal performance seen in a Conference Championship.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

George Lucas Conference Final: Champion Crowned

TRAVELING SISTERHOOD OF EVIL MIDGETS IS VICTORIOUS AND IS CROWNED THE GEORGE LUCAS CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS!!!

George Lucas Conference Final: Epilogue II

The smile fades from Superman’s face as his eyes roll to the back of his head and he crumples to the ground.  The bears notice that the Last Son of Krypton is motionless.  He is lifeless.   Wish Bear and Friend Bear look to their dead comrade.

Friend Bear:  He’s dead.  Superman.  Is.  Dead.

Wish Bear: I can’t believe it.  We are the sole survivors.

As if on cue, the sparks hovering around the area begin to coalesce into the form of a fiery bird.  The Phoenix Force congeals and is resurrected.  It bursts into the sky above the dead body of Superman and soars straight at the skyscraper housing the Care Bears.

Wish Bear tightly grips Friend Bear’s paw.

Wish Bear:  We fought a valiant fight.

Friend Bear:  If only it were enough.

The Phoenix Force rips through the skyscraper, instantly disintegrating the Care Bears.  The entity shrieks as it soars to victory.

George Lucas Conference Final: Epilogue



Wish Bear and Friend Bear stare at the crater from their windowless floor of the skyscraper.  No activity is seen in the area except for the cinders smoldering and the faint sparks floating lifelessly in the air.  

Wish Bear: Holy f@#k! 

Friend Bear:  Look!!!  There!!!

A lone figure wades from the ash.  The “S” emblem appears to shine like a diamond through the darkness about.  Superman slowly trudges from the crater.  A smile comes to his face and he waves to the bears.

Wish Bear:  He’s alive!!!  We’re alive!!!

Friend Bear:  We’re the last.  We’re the last!!!

Wish Bear and Friend Bear embrace and kiss.  The female bears look at each other longingly and shrug.

Wish Bear:  What’s a victory kiss amongst friends?

Friend Bear: That’s what I always say.  I mean, I am Friend Bear after all.

Friend Bear and Wish Bear look at each other once again and turn back to the sight of Superman standing.  They hold their hands together in victory.

 

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXXVI

. . . as the dust settles.

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXXV


. . . and becomes almost deafening. . .

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXXIV


. . . and continues. . .

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXXIII

The silence remains. . .

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXXII

Superman soars toward the Phoenix Force.  The Kryptonian uses the barrage of his Kryptonian powers to create a flux within the Phoenix Force.  Freezing breath, heat vision and the sheer brute strength of Superman pummels the cosmic entity.  In response, the Phoenix Force blasts Superman in an attempt to manipulate Superman’s life force.  Superman screams as his body is ripped from within.

Although pushed to his limits, Superman still manages to struggle against the Phoenix Force to an awe inspiring standstill.   The superior entities careen across the city, laying complete decimation within their wake.  

Superman’s clothes are in tatters and his body is evidencing actual wounds caused by the Phoenix Force.  At the same time, the Phoenix Force’s essence ebbs and wanes as Superman has actually created a weakening schism within the cosmic power.

The back-and-forth battle lasts for close to an hour.  The concrete of the streets is ripped apart.  The windows of buildings shattered.  The concrete of structures shattered.  The devastation is unlike anything seen on the Playoff Planet since last year’s Universe Bowl. 

Screams are heard, being emitted from both the essence of the Phoenix Force and mouth of Superman.  Superman decides that he only has one chance to survive as he steers the Phoenix Force into the earth below.  A godlike explosion occurs as a gargantuan crater is created by the two crashing into the ground.

Smoke and dust is emitted from the hole.  Silence engulfs the entire area.  

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXXI

Friend Bear and Wish Bear take the lead.  The two stroll up to Emperor Joker. 

Emperor Joker:  What the hell do we have here?  Hey little guys, what do you think you’re here for?  No children’s birthday party today, chaps. 

Wish Bear: Hey, f#$k you clown!

Friend Bear:  Yeah, why don’t you suck on my flowered taint!

Emperor Joker is shocked at the abrasiveness of the pair.

Emperor Joker:  You’re colored f@#king bears!  How serious do I have to take you?  You’re f@#king colored stuffed animals!

Emperor Joker begins to swish his hands and the bears are sucked up in a vortex that shoots them across the sky and through the windows of a nearby skyscraper.

Emperor Joker: F@#king bears.  Now where are you Superman?

Superman: Directly behind you Joker. 

The plan worked perfectly as the bears distracted Emperor Joker enough so that the psychopath failed to recognize Superman flying behind him.  Before Emperor Joker can open his mouth to dispel an obnoxious quip, Superman drives his hand through Emperor Joker’s skull.  Emperor Joker falls to the ground, dead.  Superman then flies toward his teammates and soars above the window to which the bears stand.

Superman:  Nicely done, Friend and Wish.

Friend Bear: Our pleasure, Soops!

Wish Bear:  Now get it done, Superman!

Superman flies toward the Phoenix Force. . .  and destiny.

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXX

A battered Superman lands in front of Emperor Joker; the Phoenix Force hovering over its teammate.

A gaping Friend Bear looks toward Wish Bear as they peek out of a car window which they snuck into.

Friend Bear:  This sh%t just got real.

Wish Bear:  We have to help him!

Friend Bear and Wish Bear jump out of the car and saunter toward Superman.  Friend Bear stands to his right while Wish Bear stands to his left.  Superman looks down at his allies.

Superman:  We face the odds, my friends.

Wish Bear:  You’re Superman for f@#k’s sake.  You’re.  F@#kin’.  Superman.

Superman smiles and stands ready for battle.  Both Friend Bear and Wish Bear follow suit.

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXIX

Emperor Joker: I have no limitations like Mxyztplk when it comes to you Superman.  I’m my own man!

Emperor Joker uses his Mxyztplk powers to crumble buildings on top of both Darkseid and Superman.  The Horsemen duo manages to repeatedly free themselves of the rubble with their powers though. 

Superman races to the Joker at nearly the speed of light.  Emperor Joker notices Superman attempting this feat and waves his hand.  While Superman believes himself flying at one speed, Superman actually only flies at one mile per hour due to Emperor Joker’s abilities.  The Joker cackles as a large mallet appears in his hand.  He tees up Superman and smashes him across the face, sending him careening through several buildings. 

Meanwhile, Darkseid is in a pitched battle with Eradicator.  The two strike one another continuously, drawing wounds upon their enemy with each blow.  The two grip each other in a bear hug, trying to gain the upper hand over their foe. 

Darkseid:  I will win this fight Eradicator.  I have foreseen it in Palantir.

Eradicator:  Not if I have anything to say about it, Darkseid.

Darkseid smiles and fires the full force of his Omega Beams from his eyes, focused specifically on disintegrating Eradicator.  Eradicator screams as the beam rips through his face.  Eradicator’s head explodes. 

Darkseid turns to see Emperor Joker standing next to him. 

Emperor Joker:  Did your rock tell you this one, ugly?

Emperor Joker snaps his fingers and Darkseid’s Omega Beams are unleashed from his eyes.  They rays begin to creep toward himself.  Darkseid is unable to control them due to the reality Joker has spun.

Emperor Joker:  You know what they say Stoneface. . .  Suicide is painless.

Darkseid bellows as his rays rip across his own body.  Darkseid is killed by his own hands. 

Emperor Joker looks to the sky and sees the Phoenix Force hovering above him.

Emperor Joker:  And now for our next chapter boys and girls: “Crushing the Kryptonian.”  Heeheeheeheeheehee.

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXVIII


Superman catches hold of Eradicator’s foot in midair and spins him around in order to send a crushing blow to Eradicator’s sternum.  Eradicator tumbles through several building and finally rights himself. 

Knowing that the pair is evenly matched, Eradicator uses his enhanced powers not inherent with Superman, in an attempt to control the Kryptonian.  Superman stops midair.  Eradicator’s influence over Superman begins to hold.  As Eradicator flies toward him though, Superman’s mind wades through the mist and corrects itself.   Eradicator believes Superman is under his control and wrongfully so as Kal-El strikes Eradicator, sending the pseudo Kryptonian to the ground, causing an immense hole in the street below.  As Eradicator rises, he is met by both Superman and Darkseid.  Superman and Darkseid enter into an immeasurable battle with Eradicator.  Before the Horsemen are able to destroy Eradicator the entire city shimmers.  The three combatants look around in a daze as reality is warped into a dreamlike state.

Emperor Joker:  This is going to be fun, boys. . .

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXVII

Two exhausted bears stumble upon the final battle. 

Wish Bear:  I thought we were supposed to end up in the city like all the others for the final hurrah.

Friend Bear:  F@#ker makes us walk from the Arctic Region. . . G-dd%&n Bryatu. . .

Wish Bear:  We’re here now though.  Just how it was meant to be - us in the end. 

Friend Bear:  As always. . .