Friday, April 24, 2015

Season 8, Week 9 Match: Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies vs. Griswold's Nutbusters

Me Mamaw wired in she had spooge comin' in,
And her face and eyes was in peril;
And later that night when the lights went out of sight,
Came the wreck of me Papaw’s meat spicket

            The Wreck of Me Papaw’s Meat Spicket,” -Becks

H’yall.  This is Papaw here.  I was gone contacted by Bryatu to guest watch this here match.  I figured that I might’n do it since it looks like some fun’ll be had by all.  So, here goes.  I done see the teams before me which is gonna fight in this Season 8, Week 9 Match located at the Pit 2.  Theyz as follows:

Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies be some Clone Troopers numbered 26-35 with some yummy Squirrels with numbers on their backs sayin’ 12-14.

Griswold’s Nut-busters be a Skrull #21, along with some of them big wolfie things from those Middle Earth movies, being Warg Riders 7 through 9 with their Wargs 7 through 8 and 10.

Let the fightin’ begin. . .

First that Skrull guy tries to transform into one of those Clone Trooper guys. So there are about ten or so of them and they’d be lookin’ at each other trying to figure out what in darn nation is goin’ on.  That Skrull guy takes advantage of this trickeration and shoots a couple of the Clones.  So Clone Troopers 26, 27 and 32 be dead.  The other Troopers be confused and stuff and so they shoot each other and kill each other in a big flurry of that laser bolt s#%t.  So now all the Clone Troopers and the Skrull be dead.

The Squirrels be racing and jump on the Warg Riders on their big wolf dogs.  The Squirrels manage to scratch at the faces of the riders and they all fall of their Wargs.  Each gets trampled and dies and stuff because the big dogs just jump all over them, breakin’ their necks and bodies. 

The Squirrels jump off the Wargs, but just like the coon hounds in ‘bama, the Squirrels just be chewed up by the Wargs. 


Thursday, April 23, 2015

S8W9: Team Bama vs. Team Revill

Team Bama is:  The Southern Gentleman, Mamaw (w/ sweet corn biscuits), Snaggletooth Twin #1, Bryan Beckerman

Team Revill is:  Clive Revel, Papaw (w/ a meat spigot full of hot gravy), Snaggletooth Twin #2, Nick Houslander

“Tharr he is Bryyyy.” Said the Southern Gentleman  in a thick southern drawl pointing across The Pit.  “Right tharr is the one who scorned me!”

“Shut up Bama before I GUT YOU!” yells an enraged Beckerman as the face of the Southern Gentleman is littered with bits of chocolate chip cookie and Matzo bread.

Snaggletooth Twin #1 runs over to the other side of the pit and joins her sister who has already sunk her hooks into Nick. 

“Do you like our matching dresses?  We made them ourselves out of old bedsheets!” says Snaggle #1.
“The fabric is really soft. Especially on the spots covering our corn biscuits!  Feel them!” adds Snaggle #2.
“We also made matching underwear?  Want to see them?” Snaggle #1 continues.
“We ain’t never seen a meat spigot before, can we see yours?” hints Snaggle #2
“I got a piece of food stuck in one of my front row of teeth.  Got a length of rope handy so I can floss it out?” asks Snaggle #1

Unable to process the fact that he is being hit on by two drop dead gorgeous twins, Nick panics and pushes both of them and himself off the platform in the pit and they die in the spikes.

Papaw takes a run at Mamaw like they have done many a night in the tobacco fields under the bright light of the moon in waxing gibbous.  Mamaw wastes no time whippin out the corn biscuits while Papaw drenches them in molten hot gravy.  I’m not exaggerating when I say that Papaw released a gazillion gallons of gravy and he flooded the pit.

Papaw, Mamaw, and Bryan all drown in Papaw’s sweet meat nectar.

Clive Revel was fast enough to hop on his table and is floating peacefully when the Southern Gentleman tosses his bag of signatures and photographs on the table and climbs aboard to join his nemesis.

“I thought I told you before to get your S**T OFF MY TABLE!” screams Clive Revel.

Burning with rage again, the Southern Gentleman snaps the neck of Clive Revel and pushes him into the viscous abyss.

“Gol darn you, Clive Revel!” says the Southern Gentleman fighting back tears.  “You know my ma don’t like cuss words!”

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Team Sleeping Pussy Vs. Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions

Team Sleeping Pussy is Xenomorph #30, John Spartan, Two-Faced Dingo Dan, Laurie Strode, and Dr. Sam Loomis.

Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions are Junkeon #1, and Allosaurus #9-10.

“My God Laurie. COME WITH ME”!! Shouts Dr. Loomis as he grabs Laurie by the arm and leads her to the outer edge of The Pit II for safety. The extremely oversized-for-this-level Junkeon and Allosaurus come lumbering onto the Pit. All HELL breaks loose as the Xenomorph latches on to the side of Allosaurus #9 on its way off the pit. Two Faced Dingo Dan finds his way into the mouth of Allosaurus #10 before it falls off the side and John Spartan viciously attacks Junkeon #1 by jumping onto his back, while evading his laser blasts before the Transformer’s weight breaks the concrete beneath them and sends them both plummeting to the deep pit below.

Laurie Strode hugs Dr. Loomis as the two of them cautiously walk towards the edge and look over.

“Laurie, my dear. I have seen some insane evil throughout my long life, whether it be from your brother or via dozens of other patients; but that, young lady may have been the craziest three minutes of my entire life.

George Washington's Slaves Vs. REAL Man's Rabble Rousers

George Washington’s Slaves are Human Smoke (w/ a Halberd), Moltenadon, Ancient Ginaz Swordmaster #8, and Maggie Simpson.

Real Man’s Rabble Rousers are Vampire Count Dooku, Tombstone, and Hammer Bros. #18.

Chris Artrip, The Z-Man himself, Mr Fizzle in the Hizzle (and that’s an ArtiFACT). Shows up at the house of his old buddy…. No, not Bama we’re talking bout REAL Man.

“Sup Eric, you ready to do some gamin”?? Says Artifact to the REALster.

“SHeeeeeeeeeeit. You know it DOGG” says REAL Man as he pulls up his sagging Skids. “Come on downstairs to the basement Brah”. Finishes the REALster.

“Damn dude, this is a pretty nice crib you got here. Who’s your decorator”?? Asks Artifizzle with the utmost amount of sensitivity allowed a straight man.

“I ain’t sure “C”. My Mom just renovated the place. I woulda aksed but I ain’t heard that s*&t. Naturally, Ima keeping it REAL”.

“Yeah, REAL Dumb”. (**Chris Rock, “Bring the Pain”. 1996.). Says Fizz.

“Anyway Cuz, you down for some Mortal Kombat? I gots the new FFL Expansion Pack, and they brought back the 3 on 3 mode”? Says the REALest guy in town.

Artie replies: “Totes dude. I’m down for some Mortal Kombat. Let’s do this”.

They fire up the game, select the three on three mode, and the battle begins.

I thought about going through the all three battles but this is a 75 point week, and both of these teams are already in the playoffs; so let’s just go with Chris wins the first round and Eric won the second round.

Third Round


“This game is wicked sweet, ain’t it Playah” says the only REAL dude on the Blog.

“You know it dude. This game is sicker than Clive Revel’s evil tongue”. Says Z.

Ancient Ginaz Swordmaster #8 Vs. Tombstone.

REAL Man button mashes like a champ; but doesn’t know any of Tombstone’s special moves. He takes down the Ginaz Swordmaster’s energy considerably, but “Z”’s controller reacts faster than Bama’s parents and he delivers a dropkick, upper cut combo that sends him off the edge and finishes off Tombstone for good.

Hammer Bros. #18 leaps onto the scene and delivers some hammers quick to the still uppercut stunned Swordmaster to knock him off the Pit and kill him.

Moltenadon appears onto the scene and delivers his Morgul whip attack three separate times to take out Hammer Bros. #18.

Vampire Count Dooku leaps in next and evades most of Moltenadon’s attacks; but still takes some damage. Eric does the perfect amount of button-mashing and figures out Dooku’s Vampire-Sith-Lightning. Eric quickly and successfully moves from the “Nick Houslander button mashing method” to the “Ryan Poteracki use the same special move over and over again method” with ease and finishes off the King of the Ancient Balrogs.

Human Smoke appears next for the final showdown (he has a Halberd in the new expansion). Chris attempts to win it right by using some wicked, combos and special moves; but Eric is basically just leaning on the block button. The REALocitizer then accidentally does the force repel special move which sends Human Smoke back and takes down his energy by 28%. The REAL not-so-slim-GAY-dee then uses Vampire Dooku’s lightsaber assault attack and takes Human Smoke’s energy down to 0%.


The screen flashes as Eric mashes some more buttons and causes Maggie Simpson with a Sith Robe on, to fall out of the sky, land on the level, and then fall into the Pit II.


Ehh, I see they still haven’t gotten rid of that stupid feature…..


[Sung to the tune of  "WRECK OF THE EDMUND FITZGERALD" by Gordon Lightfoot]

The legend lives on from Bama’s kin yon,
Of the meat spicket sprung by me Papaw;
The meat, it is said, never takes kind to head,
When the gums of me Mamaw turn gloomy.

With a load of his jizz, a gazillion tons more,
Than me Papaw’s member weighed empty;
That good and true package was a bone to be chewed,
When me Mamaw got mad due to Papaw coming early.

The biscuits was the pride of me Mamaw’s front side,
Coming back from an outhouse in the mountains;
As the big utters go, they were bigger than most,
With a left and right boob well-seasoned.

Concluding some puffs with a couple steel tugs,
When me Papaw’s glands left fully loaded;
And later that night when the balls did sprang,
Could it be my Mamaw’s wind he'd be feelin'?
The teeth in Mamaw’s mouth made the tattle-tale sound,
And the tongue broke over Papaw’s taint railing;
And me Mamaw did knew, as me Papaw did too
T'was the scream of me Papaw be squealin’.

The dawn came late and the breakfast had to wait,
When me Mamaw’s big bisquits be lashin';
When afternoon came, me Papaw drained his vein,
Gravy in the face of me one and only Mamaw.

When supper time came, the old coot came on porch sayin',
Mamaw, it's too rough to squeeze ya;
At 7 P.M. me Papaw’s spicket caved in, he said
Mamaw, it's been good to know ya.

Me Mamaw wired in she had spooge comin' in,
And her face and eyes was in peril;
And later that night when the lights went out of sight,
Came the wreck of me Papaw’s meat spicket.
Does any one know where the love of G-d goes,
When the meat spicket spurns the minutes to hours?
Me Mamaw did say she’d rather be gay,
If she looked at me Papaw from behind her.

Papaw’s member might have bent wrong or it might have exploded,
It may have broke deep and collapsed;
And all that remains is the faces and the names,
Of the son called Bama of Celebration.

Rob C rolls, Real Man sings,
In the rooms of their fake mansion lives;
T.O.D. steams with his son’s fallen dreams,
Celebration is only for collectors.

And farther below there is E don’t you know,
Promises sketches and falls on the wayside;
But truth be known, as the card guys all know,
E’s promises are eventually remembered.

In a musty old hall in Anaheim they prayed,
In the Convention Center's main hall;
The lightsaber’s hum chimed 'til it rang twenty-nine times,
For each puff of dirt from me Papaw.
The legend lives on from the Alabama on down,
Of the big hillbilly they call me Papaw;
Clive Revel, they said, never gives up his signature,
When the gales of Bama come often and early.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Season 8: Week Nine: TEAM -vs- Sith AIDS

TEAM is Heishiro Mitsurugi, Duke Nukem, Solid Snake with a Rifle, Sgt. Mike Shinsky, Black Lantern Pete Sosa, Ratta the Hutt and Cock Sneak Goomba #9.

Sith AIDS are Anakin Skywalker, Ashoka Tano and Dr. Kavita Rao.

That southern Gentleman is very rude.

Some people have bad days, even Clive Revel. I have days where even the freshest corn bisquit with the sweetest gravy you have ever tasted could not fix it. Today was one of those days. My day was lovely, meeting many kind, curteous people who patiently waited for my much appreciated signature. It was very similar to the day Dr. Kavita Rao was having until she took a shot directly to the face from Duke Nukem`s rocket launcher.

Duke spoke in a very strange, arrogant venacular that was quite off-putting to me. His selfish tone reminded me of the rudest person I have ever met. The southern man approached me with a stack of items that would be enough to fill Wembley Stadium. I am not exaggerating when I say they were as tall as Mount Everest.

Speaking of high up in the air, Black Lantern Pete Sosa took off into the beautiful nights sky, using the dark power of his lantern ring. Streaks of black mist eminated off of him like smoke leaving a chimney stack of a meat spicket factory. His power being what it was, faced in direct opposition to the light side of the force that spewed from the two Jedi on the opposite side of the pit platform.

The platform was very small, much like the table for which I was calling my home that day. The southern man had covered my temporary home with his items, making me feel violated in regards to my personal space. Violated is exactly how Sgt. Mike Shinsky felt as well when Anakin forced his light saber into his abdoman, stealing his life away from him.

The same fate fell upon Ratta the Hutt and the Cock Sneak Goomba as Ashoka cut through them like she was slicing up a savory meat pie. If I were to have had a meat pie on the day of the southern man, I would have taken one bite and gently shoved the remaining pie right in his face. Taking up my personal space was only the beginning though.

He took several minutes to uncover a poster, which was already covered in further human markings. He then proceeded to point to a spot boxed in with Post-It notes, a spot to which he wanted me to place down my mark. He insisted on me using a metallic blue sharpie for my marking, a tool that I am qutie familar with.

A familar tool to a Jedi is his light saber, an elegant weapon for a more civilized age. Anakin`s weapon was more then just a tool that he used to defend himself with, it was an extension of his body. With that extension, the prospect of stopping him, was a task very few people could ever imagine. Black Lantern`s may have the power of death on their side but nothing comes close to the power a Jedi as strong as Anakin has.

Pete flew down with all of his might, spreading his black magic down on the Jedi`s, but before he realized it, his hand had been severed from his body, sending both his body and the hand wearing ring down into the pit.

Being sent down into a pit only scratches the surface in regards to how that southern man made me feel as he continued to badger me. I am a patient man, somebody who is very good with difficult situations, but every man, no matter how mature they are, has a breaking point.

Being at a Breaking Point is exactly where Duke Nukem was at this time, as both Jedi`s were able to avoid every single weapon he shot at him. In a moment of shear desperation, Duke turned on his jetpack and headed right for Anakin. His rash move was quickly thwarted, as Ashoka crushed the arrogant muscle bound man`s jetpack, sending him deep into the pit.

Unfortunately for Ashoka, Duke Nukem had thrown a pipe bomb onto the platform directly where the young Jedi was standing. Right as he was impaled on the Pit`s floor, he detonated the bomb, not only destroying the center portion of the platform but also sending Ashoka down into the spike filled floor.

The southern man impaled me as well with his strict orders for making a mark, until I snapped and said, "Sir, I know how to sign my own name". After my comment the man became very angry and hostile, stomping his feet on the floor and hitting himself in the head with his own hand just repeating, "Revel is a jerk, don`t forsake me Revel".

I next grew tired of him taking up so much of my table space, so I further asked him if he could please remove his items from my spot. This enraged him to the point of eruption. His face was as red hot as an apple after being thrown down into a pit of molten rubber.

Enraged was exactly how Anakin felt as he watched his partner being impaled on the pit floor. Anakin, a user of the light side of the force reached down deep, using his anger to finish off his opponent`s in hopes to end this match once and for all. He easily blocked the shots from Solid Snake`s rifle, force crushing the barrel of his gun before using his light saber to end the life of the well trained vigilante.

He next set his sights on his only remaining enemy, Heishiro Mitsurugi, the master swordsman. The fight between the two of them was quite fierce, yet despite Anakin losing his left hand to the Soul Calibur character, he finally defeated him by force pushing him off of the platform and then throwing his lightsaber into the heart of the Samauri as he fell to his death.

Which brings me back to the southern man. After making my mark on all of his belongings and witnessing the worst anger stroke I have ever seen, the man finally left. As he walked away I could still hear him saying, "I hate that Clive Revel, forsake me not. Bryan, he has forsaken me!!!"

I now leave you with these words, if you are going to eat bisquits, never leave off the gravy and if you are ever forced to make your mark for people, please do whatever you can to avoid meeting that southern man.

Clive Revel is not rude, for the only rude person I know, goes by the name of Bama.

Consortium: Week 9

Layanderletson's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family Vs. The Royal Highness.

The Super Kitties are:
-Abbey Chase
-Silicon Valerie
-Sydney Savage
-Secret Agent Zero

The Highness is:
-Superboy Doomsday

In an unanimous vote of 5 to 0.....

Season 8 Week 8 Standings

Monday, April 20, 2015

Season 8, Week 8: B3 vs. The Grindhouse

The Grindhouse is: Warwolves #2-10, Terminator #40, Xenomorph #52, Noble Heart Horse, Critters #8-12, Navy Soldier #99, Kree Soldier #50, and Moritani Soldiers #13-15.

B3 is: Terminators #32-37, Predator #14, Cobra Vipers #39-48, Army Soldiers #133-136, and Jedi Padawans #38 and #39.

April 20, 8:40 AM – At the base of Ice Climber's Mountain 21

I woke up to the sound of coughing echoing off of cavern walls. Between the hacking noise, a familiar voice called out, "Where the hell are you, dude? I can't see s*** in here." I looked around for the source of the voice but all I could see surrounding me in the dim light were thick billows of smoke. As I squinted to search a hand clasped my shoulder from behind and nearly gave me a heart attack, feeling oddly paranoid in the strange setting I awoke to. I spun around with hands up in defense, but only found myself staring back at me. "Whoa, what am I doing here? I thought I told you to leave me alone today." I grabbed myself by both shoulders this time, and I was looking dead serious. "You don't understand, hear me out! I'm you from the future, about 60 hours out." In the urgency of the shouting I was busting my ear drums with, I had begun to cough again as the smoke continued to flow through the room. "Fine, what? And like... where am I right now?"

"You're in a cave at the base of Mountain 21, you threw a pound on a campfire and you've been in here hotboxing for 4 goddamn hours! You passed out and missed the match you were supposed to be watching!" I rubbed my eyes and felt the bags that had formed beneath them bulging out. I had no recollection of setting up here but I definitely believed myself. "Alright, Jesus Christ, it's just a bunch of commons this week. I'll throw something together and-"

"Listen to me! I'm from the f***ing future, I know how this plan works out. In my timeline our match was the absolute epitome of bad. I can't possibly exaggerate this, our match was so bad it caused a rift in the League, and in just one day Ryatu snapped. He's got some crazy plan to hunt and kill the other Watchers, and cannibalize their brains "to gain their power." So far he's only caught Pogo so if that actually works I don't think we have to worry about it just yet, but..." I trailed off. I was kind of starting to freak myself out so I pushed myself to the point. "Why aren't you guys stopping him right now, then? Why the time paradox, seriously, this is the one day you shouldn't be dropping s*** like this on me." I looked like I expected myself to ask this, which I guess makes perfect sense when you think about it. I didn't expect I'd look so apprehensive about it, though. "Looks who's talking about paradoxes, like I can just tell you everything! Right now what we need to do... whoa, I just lost my train of thought. I had a plan, give me a minute." At that point I realized that both of me were now getting hit pretty hard by the campfire smoke. "Wait, right, got it. We're gonna go back in time, and we're going to watch the single greatest match in FFL history! Let's do this quick!" I haphazardly tore a rift in the cave wall and led myself through it.

April 19, 12:00 AM – High above Mountain 21

On the other side of the rift we got a good look down at the mountain just as the action was beginning. "Alright, pay close attention, we've only got one shot here." I tried to focus but was having a little trouble. "I can't zoom in all the way. Dude, they look like miniature toys or something, seriously. It's like... real-life Heroclix." I could tell that I was starting to make myself nervous with my lackadaisical attitude. "Alright, you know what, let's just pause this for like an hour and take a nap alright? Then we can actually remember what happens, get it all written down, throw in some adverbs or whatever and make it look nice." It admittedly sounded pretty nice, so I went to take a quick lie-down.

April 19, 6:24 AM – Daveatu's Apartment

It was immediately apparent that my nap had turned in to a sleep. As I stood to get out of bed I noticed the world swayed around me and my mouth dried like Krazy-Glue. I woke myself up and saw I was experiencing the same issues. "Are you like... still feeling it or is it just me?"

"Yeah, I was just gonna say that. I know it was a pound but 6 hours seems like a long time." A powerful borborygmus growled out from my stomach. "I'm starving right now though, we should at least eat something before we get back to it." So we took a slow and careful drive to the Speedway to grab some donuts and a slice of pizza. I had totally forgotten about the milkshake machines, and at that point it really did seem like a marvel of modern convenience. It really isn't considering that it takes like 5 minutes for the thing to stir up the frozen cups you load in to it, and since both of me wanted 2 it took like 20 extra minutes for us to get the hell out of there. I sat in the car and ate, put on the most serious face I could make, and went back to get down to business.

April 19, 8:16 AM – The peak of Mountain 21

We admit, we really should have double checked before we left the battle. Each of me had thought the other took care of freezing time on the battlefield before we left, so in reality neither of us had. Blood-soaked snow and characters' remains were scattered almost all the way up the mountain slopes, and at the top a sole survivor huddled for warmth under a pile of carcasses. Against all odds the survivor was Noble Heart Horse, with a distant look that suggested some serious trauma. "Noble Heart Horse... you okay? How did you possibly make it through that, buddy? We need this story." It seemed to take him a moment to process the question, maybe even the fact that we were there asking a question, but when he did he began to tremble and stammer. "They just... they... all the... blood..." I gave myself a look of concern. "Oh, man... Ryatu and Pogo are pretty much f****ed, aren't they?"

"We're pretty much all f***ed. So, what... I guess we may as well go back to the cave while we figure this out right?"

April 20, 1:09 AM – The base of Mountain 21

We woke up to the sound of coughing echoing off of cavern walls. Between the hacking noise, a familiar voice called out, "Where the hell are you guys? I can't see s*** in here."

Season 8: Week 8: Horsemen of Apokolips vs Sisterhood of Evil Midgets

Horsemen of Apokolips are Black Bolt(Sinestro`s Green Lantern ring) Archangel(White Lantern ring), Joker(M202A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher), John McClane(Mandalorain Armor, Green and Blue lightsaber), Wonder Woman(Wonder Woman`s Golden Lasso), Harry Potter, Obi Wan Kenobi, Lion-O(Hal Jordan-Parallax`s Green Lantern Ring), Brandon Inge(Green Lantern Ring), Ape Soldier #21-23, Wookie Soldier #31-36 and Jedi Master #49.

Sisterhood of Evil Midgets is Zufa Cenva(White lantern ring in the Tardis), Magneto, Oppo Rancisis and Terri Hatcher in a Snow Speeder, Adi Gallia (blue lantern ring) in a snow speeder with Dean Cain (blue lightsaber), The Eradicator, The Captain N, Duke (Capt. N`s Dog), Princess Toadstool, Yoshi, Ice Bros. #1, Smurf #1, Scout Trooper #21-30 & Jedi Master #50A.

Clive Revel is a jerk, he embarrassed me.

I don`t like it when people are jerks to me. Why have all of these people forsaken me? All I want is to do what I want. It may be cold where you are but for me, it is always sunny days.

I saw Oppo Rancisis, who is a character I created. Do you want to hear the voice? My name is Oppo Rancisis, I like flying snow speeders all by myself, just like my mamaw does. I saw the Thatcher lady join Superman and Galliliea in another speeder of the snow.

Speeders are flying in the cold weather like my grand papaw`s porridge in a cold sink of water. They are making terror for the Ape and Wookie Soldiers, killing all but Wookie soldier #36. That three person speeder is making streaks in the sky like the sweet sunflowers in the dark Georgia sky.

Brandon Inge likes baseball like I like autographs. Like when I force someone to sign their name on my paper, Brandon cuts through those who are not his kinfolk like warm butter allows the cutting of itself to be placed on crispy corn chips. Yoshi, Ice Bros. and the Smurf all fall to the butter cutting of Inge, who also turns every single Scout Trooper into the inner fillings of a sweet potoato pie.

The baseball man met his match when the bright light of the ring ended his
buttery run of golden slatherings. Zufa likes the Whiteness of her ring. Zufa looks likes a lovely southern belle, floating around like a queen bee after the feast with her elders, the elders that have been providing since she was first birthed.

That beautiful Bee floated around like my Mamaw does when she knows I need her help. Autographs are not easy to come by when you are blue. Zufa uses her white ring, her purification proving station to make getting everything she wants, like an autograph, an easy task. Zufa signed her name all over the Wookie and the Jedi Master #49, making her signature known by the beauty of her white drag.

Clive Revel is a jerk.

Duke and Captain N are jerks too. They embarrassed Harry Potter, who lost his kin when he was just a tiny little baby. My papaw protected me up until I was a grown man. Harry Potter used his powers from his elders to put down the jerks. Magic can be like a chair that you need one minute and then do not need in another. That boy wizard uses his powers like a farm hand uses his muscles.

Princess`s die sometimes, like my pig back home. I miss Repeecesses Canpanperuss. She sounded like this. "Rawwampapaw Groarrrrr". The Princess left after being knocked off the micro-rider. She went up to the lord and savior after the wizard magik`d her away to the sleepy land of clouds.

Sometimes people talk to me and I don`t understand what the words are that they say. Magneto doesn`t understand why people have to treat him so wrong. He takes his misunderstanding and uses it as a weapon, he musters his powers and forces the funny man to shoot his rockets at his own team. Boy wizards are like bails of hay when fire comes upon them.

The Tardis appears out of nowhere and the beautiful white bee comes out and shines her light upon Obi-Wan Kenobi, the man who gave up his life to protect the son of his brother.

Protecting posters is a hard task, especially with jerks out there like Clive Revel. Protecting team friends is not the easy task of a gentleman either. Like I said, words are not easy to understand sometimes, Black Bolt understands where this southern boy son is speaking from. I am not exaggerating when I say Black Bolt said "Hello" to Zufa and the world literally ended.

Zufa then died from that unfortunate greeting. That poor pure lass, I will miss her like an unidentified Ewok roaming the show room floor. The man with the cruel greetings did not stop there. He continued to spread his words of hateful salutations to both snow speeders, destroying my character Oppo Rancisis along with his ship. The other ship was sent crashing down to the icy tundra as well, the perishing of their lives made me as angry as procuring poor seating for a stage play.

Cussing makes my mamaw nervous. She doesn`t like it when I expell the filthy tougue swagger from my maw. John McClane has a smart mouth when he is angry, oh so angry that man seems to be. He flew up with his armor and started shooting at Jedi Master #50A. The jedi master was able to dodge the first couple of shooty shots but once he saw the green Lion, he fell to the cussing man`s laser pellets.

You know what would be funny? If Wonder Woman went up to Magneto and was like, "I know". Wonder Woman tried to go up to the Eradicator but that great being decided that even though she was a lady, she couldn`t be alive no more. When she died I was real sad. Then the green lion and Archangel had a talking to with The Eradicator and with their green and white misty potion rings, they made him go away.

Autographs need to be air conditioned, that is how you take care of them like you would a child. If they get fussy you have to feed them too, they like a dusting of corn flakes next to their bed at night. The smiles make them happy you birthed them with your thoughts. Taking care of Magneto was a scary task for the ones with the burden. Black Bolt said "Much Abliged" and then the glowing lights made sure he was not afraid of the dark.

It does get dark down in the Bayou. Magneto wasn`t scared. He was so cold though in the tundra. He decided to make some warmth by taking the refuse from the speeders and sticking it through the hearts of the cussing man and the green Lion. The laughing man wasn`t laughing any longer, he didn`t like it when his friends were made to not live. He shot his rockets at the magnet man while Black Bolt and the White Angel spread their love on him.

The pure southern hospitality reigned down upon Magneto, making his cold heart all warm inside, while it took him up to baby jesus. The remaining kin gave each other warm regards as they exchanged pleasantries amoungst each other. The phone box then appeared out of nowhere and out came the white bee. She sent her white light directly down on Black Bolt and before he was able to return the greeting, his green light was forever extinguished. The Tardis then disappeared once again, never to be seen from.

That is why I hate jerks. I hate it when they make sure to embarrass me. I hate you Clive Revel. Why have you forsaken me!!!

The Empire's Turrible Decisions Vs. George Washington's Super Kitties

Layanderlet’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family are Mr. Freeze, Yoda’s Spirit (w/ white lantern ring), Hot Spot, Lockdown, Red Hulk, Ice Bros. #1, Ewok #52-53, and Jedi Master #18A-27A.

Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions are Giant Hammer Bros. #8-10, Fire Bros. #10, Boomerang Bros. #5-10, Zartan, Ripper, Buzzer, Monkey Wrench, and Torch, Thundarr the Barbarian (w/ Heat Axe), Princess Ariel (W/ Demon Rod), Pete Sosa: Dark Jedi (Master), Curtis Manning (w/ Iron Man Armor), USAgent, Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam (w/ green lantern ring), Stargirl, and S.T.R.I.P.E.

JOSHATU: Greetings all. I Joshatu the Miraculous have come before you this day to watch a match that will decide the playoff fate for at least one of these mighty squads. You shall all stand witness as the combat between these two squads….

POGO: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY EYEEBODY It’s the Neon Master Poginater here!! I’m comin at cha 2-NITE with a wicked gnarly match between……. Hang on, let me check this sheet. OH, Aww yeah The George Washington’s Slaverunies versus The Tijuana Taco Benderz, up hold on, …..refreshing…… I mean The Empire!! This match is Fo Sho gonna rock, and

JOSHATU: Pogo, What…. WHAT in MY name are you doing here?? This is my timeslot and I really can’t have you here ruining this match with your nonsense.

POGO: But, DUUUUDER, this is my last shot brah!! The match is due tomorrow morning and I gots to get this thing done. Can’t we just share the timeslot??

JOSHATU: Ah, I see. Waiting until the very last minute again. This is definitely a dilemma, as the matches do need to be turned in on time. Much rests on the importance of this week.

POGO: How come when I post on late Sunday night, I’m waiting until the last minute; but when YOU do it, you write it off as acceptable because you are super busy for important reasons like running the league and such; and that it is how it must be for the system to work.

JOSHATU: Well Pogo, it is simple: You see I am busy for very important reasons. Such as needing to run the league. That is simply how the system works. But you on the other hand, YOU simply wait until the last minute because you are lazy. Your matches are goofy, poop-joke laden pieces of garbage and mine are nothing short of pure artistic genius. You are silly at best, and by far the worst watcher in the league.

POGO: WORST!! Come on BRO!! I’m at least better than the Guest Watchers!!, Right?!!?

JOSHATU: I’ve read their stuff. And I’m going to go with no. I’d put your story telling ability somewhere just underneath that of The Consortium.

POGO: DUDE, that doesn’t even make sense. I mean The Consortium doesn’t even….. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!!

JOSHATU: Alright, enough of this self-serving nonsense. The truth is, we both have a match to watch; so lets do it. But I go first: ………………………………………………………….

The Barkley squad made their first turrible decision by playing Zartan and his crew in the ice week. I don’t think any of those poor guys even own a pair of long sleeves. They’re freezing out there. Thundarr, should be cold too; but he is way to harsh to show it, and Princess Ariel, well perhaps we should just call her Princess Areola, considering what she is wearing and how she looks in it in this weather. But the rest of her squad isn’t complaining. The rest of the Barkley squad stands with them at the top of the Ice Climber Mountain, while The Super Kitties, with their lesser number prepare a counter offensive from down below. The plan though, isn’t really much of a plan at all. It is a mountain after all and the only way onto it is up. So, the now corporeal White Lantern Yoda leads the charge up the mountain, and this skirmish begins with a vengeance. Zartan, and The Dreadnoks stand at the forefront and team up on Yoda; but the Senior Jedi Councilmember faces little difficulty from the hired hands of Cobra. Yoda has to dodge several arrows fired from the bow of Zartan, and dances around a brief duel from the chainsaw of Buzzer; but those two as well as the rest of the mini-squad fall fairly quickly to the white energy lightsaber of Yoda. The Super Kitties definitely got the better draw in the random common lottery this week, as well: as the Jedi Masters face little difficulty from the group of Giant Hammer, Fire, and Boomerang Bros. Only two Jedis fall in the skirmish, before all of the projectile Koopas die. The remaining Jedi then rush the frozen field, creating a diversion for their team; but falling at the hands of their enemies. #18 and #26 fall to the heat axe/weird lightsaber rip-off wielding Thundarr, while #23 gets Demon Rodded by Thundarr’s crush Ariel. Stargirl, STRIPE, and USAgent each take out a Master Jedi, while Pete with his blue lightsaber and Curtis with his Stark tech take out the remaining two.

USAgent has Curtis Manning flying close behind him, while they rush in against Mr. Freeze. A non-adamantium shield (only Cap’s is true adamantium) hits Mr. Freeze’s helmet shattering the protective glass. Freeze gasps for air; but despite heavy breathing is able to power through without his helmet due to the cold surrounding air. Curtis blasts Mr. Freeze from the air with his suit; but the Batman villain is able to catch Manning with an ice blast that freezes his circuitry and sends him reeling into a rocky chasm down below. USAgent quickly rushes in to avenge his friend and delivers a kick to the chest/shield to the neck combo that finishes off Freeze once and for all.

Red Hulk leaps up from the bottom of the mountain and lands directly in front of Citizen Steel. The metal encased Steel moves quickly to attack; but Rulk stomps on his opponent and crushes him easily within his suit.

Uncle Sam, despite his added green lantern power, does not last long against the Decepticon turncoat assassin Lockdown, as he catches a Cybertronian laser blast to the chest; but Stargirl and STRIPE double back and begin giving the much larger Transformer a decent run for his money. Stargirl leads Lockdown astray with her acrobatic maneuvers, while STRIPE lays down a suppressing fire from his highly advanced suit. Lockdown mows though the initial attacks from the classic DC Characters but leaps into the air and comes down hard on the much smaller STRIPE. Lockdown delivers the killing blow; but not before STRIPE unloads the last of his weaponry into the falling Lcokdown causing his spark to be extinguished and making the two metal warriors join each other in death.

Both squads square up and….

POGO: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!! It be the Pogameister again!! Joshatu the Old and Fat said that I had to wait for him to finish; but I assume even a long-winded bore-monger like him has to be done by now, so now I gots to tell my tale!!

George Washington’s Slaves are Ymir, Superman, Santa Claus (w/ M202A7 Rocket Launcher) w/ Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen, Jedi Master #4-5, Navy SEAL Chief #8, and Starship Trooper #72-81.

The Empire is Goblin #88-90, Mummy #14-18, Jedi Lightsaber Scientist #1-2, Mon Mothma (w/ the Green Mantle), The Revanchist, Sy-Clone, Leech, Ninjor, The H.I.V.E. Five: Jinx, Gizmo, Mammoth, See-More, and Private Hive, Zombie Nick Houslander (w/ Yellow Lantern Ring), Kaja Sinis, Monzo, and Jedda Walker in The Millennium Groudy.

REINDEER CRAP!! Well, I guess I should of spoiler alerted you kids; but that is what this one really came down to was reindeer crap. I mean, hey; you can call it Christmas magic if you want; but at the end of the dizzle it was the venison poo drizzle that made this a true barn burner. I mean, have you ever smelled a reindeer?? Trust me, after you have one of those things on your property for a week, the only thing to do is burn that barn!! I mean sure, the battle between The HIVE Five and Ymir was kinda wicked; but we all knew Ymir had it in the ol’ Waste Management bagster considering that this is a colder than crap ice week and he’s pretty much the top dawwg Frost Giant. And the Jedi Masters proved why they end up on teams and even in matches from time to time and why the Jedi Lightsaber scientists have been rotting on the waiver wires for the life of most of the league owner’s children (accept for that older than crap Joshatu whose older kids are like 90). And of course Supes did the obligatory Kryptonian thing where he took out all the crap that the Watcher doesn’t feel like writing even when the Watcher isn’t doing a half-baked turd of a match like this one. In this case we’ll limit the opening Super-duperman kills to the goblins, the mummies, a messy case of green-gooed Leech, and the Yellow, fear wielding Zombie Nick Houslander who should be honored to get his graveyard send-off from The Man of Steel. The Revanchist, Ninjor, the original gangsta Jedi Kaja Sinis, and Monzo prolly had a fierce battle with a buttload of Starship Troopers, Jedis, and a wicked gnarly Navy SEAL (USA, USA) while you were reading that Joshatu snooze fest that ended with all of them killing each other so we could get to the fun part of this match (yes, of course I mean the part with the poop in it). But the poop really hit the fan when the poop started to hit the ground. You see, right after Jedda Walker was proving that The Millennium Groudy was the best off-road vehicle on the planet whilst navigating the icy mountain ranges, Santa proved that off ground was still better than off-road by targeting the amazingly awesome cammo Jeep with his sleigh mounted rocket launcher to blow the Wrangler and its wrangler into smithereens. But this story becomes truly awesome when Mon Mothma: the embodiment of all things brave and good, not to mention a true rebel to the core unleashed the power of The Green Mantle. Her team may have been close to decimated at the time; but once she showed the mere animals, magical as they may be driving Santa’s sleigh the true power of goodness, those poor reindeer crapped themselves silly. I mean you would have thought that it was 900 tiny reindeer pulling that dang thing judging by how much poop littered the once white, now brown arctic landscape. It was awesome!! ……. Not that I’m in to that kind of thing. I mean, totes gross and stuff. But the part of this story that is important and worth telling, is that those poor reindeer didn’t stop pooping until they were totally dehydrated, decrapped, debilitated, destabilized, and DEAD. It looks like Santa is gonna have to rent a car next Christmas (Wah wah waaaaah). The poop was so all-encompassing, that it actually warmed up the arctic landscape to a level that weakened Ymir to a level that made it possible for Mon Mothma to use her remaining ability to destroy the giant Norse being, while Superman was too busy breaking Sy-Clones’s neck to help him out. Santa was not too happy to see the snow, most of his team, and more importantly his reindeer laid to waste, that he felt the need to add Mon Mothma to his naughty list and deliver a bag meant for the Webber family (that is a pro-bowling joke, for the 80% of the population who don’t care) directly into the head of Mothma to kinda-sorta avenge his furry friends.

I SWEAR TO GOD PEEPS, that is how it went down. Totes, FO REAL no lyin (or tiger (BAAH)).


JOSHATU: Well, I’m really sorry that you all had to sit through that. I have managed to banish Pogo back to whatever trashy place he is hanging his Pistons hat at right now and would like to continue the true match at hand.

While significant amounts of deer feces was falling down on all of our extremely frustrated heads, Princess Ariel was using her magical abilities to burn the ewoks to a crisp and launch the former, fir fireballs (okay fine, try and say it five times fast, (I’ll wait)) into the sole Ice Bros. of the match. Hot Spot thought it appropriate to repay the favor by launching his own fireball back with the full force of his ability into Princess Ariel, who finally had a moment of warmth before her not so comfy death. Thundarr, did not approve of such actions as he used his Heat Axe to cast Blaze 2 on The Teen Titan to wipe him out.

Yoda then bested the well trained Pete Sosa in a lightsaber duel, while Red Hulk crushed Thundarr into the ground in a shirtless muscle contest that had Richard Simmons sweating to the Oldies from halfway across the globe.

USAgent and Stargirl, then form up at the very peak of the mountain and stand back to back, ready to finish this fight for their team once and for all. But in the end, USAgent’s acrobatic skill and fighting prowess was not any more a match for Yoda’s melee skill, than Stargirl’s bravery was against Red Hulk’s immense strength……..


Sunday, April 19, 2015

S8W8: The Highness vs Team SP

The Highness is: Gondor Soldier #9, Pirate #1-8, and T-Rex #16, Avalanche, Jadis the White Witch, Superboy Doomsday, The Blue Marvel, Overlord, Gladiator (Shi'ar Imperial Guard).

Team Sleeping Pussy is:  James Bond (w/ Astro Harness), Miss Moneypeney, Johnny Bates, Miracle Dog, Shi'ar Warrior #8-10, Electra, Stick, Toro, Walking Dead: Paul "Jesus" Monroe, Kree #18-27.

"Aarrgh" says Pirate #1.  Unfamiliar with the freezing terrain, the pirates die at the hands of the Kree soldiers as they were huddled together trying to stay warm. Gondor soldier 9 also dies but is quickly avenged by T-rex #16 who has an unquenchable bloodlust for the Kree. He kills them all ends up falling to Jesus Monroe and the Shi'ar Warriors.

Jadis the white witch gets her white ass handed to her by a roundhouse kick from Electra.  The Overlord then jacks Electra so hard in the face it would make Ray Rice uncomfortable.  Johnny Bates is dueling with The Blue Marvel while Stick and Toro try to match wits with Gladiator.

The Blue Marvel and Toro come out victorious in their duels. Noticing his teammate is overmatched, James bond swoops in on his astro harness to assist. He blasts The Blue Marvel square in the chest with his Astro Force projection. This knocks him back across the icy divide and into a nearby ice wall killing him in a second. Most of the rest perish next when a wall of ice and snow comes crashing down.  Jesus Monroe, Moneypenny, and Miracle Dog (who was gnawing on the leg bone of one of the pirates) get crushed instantly. Toro also dies and, ironically, Avalanche.

Superboy Doomsday stares down Bond, the last member of Team SP. Doomsday charges at Bond who panics and, attempting to defend himself activates the Interstellar Flight feature on his astro harness and sends himself flying into the sun. 

The Commandos Vs. The Real Men

The Commandos are Iorek Birnenson, Lyra Belacqua, Pantalamion, Will Perry, Kirajaou, Jack Crowe, Jolie-Pitt brats, Miley Cyrus, Gungan #40-50, Acklay #3, Witch #1-2, Bail Organa, Fedayeen Shadow Warrior #1, Army #13-132, Gold Dragon #10-15, Smurf #3, Gondor Soldier #18.

The Real Men are Elite Clone Trooper #22-31, Zombie Optimus Prime, Darth Desolous, Darth Nihl, Captain Cold, Nazgul #7 w/ Fell Beast, Kryptonian Army Soldier #17, and Ghost #1.

Don't know how you guys do this shit but here it goes. The elite clone troopers were on patrol when they found Miley Cyrus being a slut dancing for Robin and Alan Thicke. The troopers open fire and immediately killing both the Thickes. The troopers still firing on Cyrus but can't hit her (probably because she has her tits out and they see her camel toe) so they get closer. What they don't see is that she has General Grievous's lightsabers and Miley uses them and dances aound them to cut 7 of their heads off. Then Darth Desolus and Darth Nihl doubled team Miley (hahaha you guys will get because she's done it before because she's a slut) and they impaled her. Then the two dark lords o the sith killed every gungan and zombie Optimus stomped on everything he could. Honestly at this point I'm bored and I have no clue how you guys stay focus long enough to write these matches, with that said the sith lords and Optimus and the few clone troopers kill everyone else.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Week 8: Consortium

John and Vader's House of Sith Aids Vs. Griswold's Nut-busters

The Sith Aids are:
-Jedi Master #28A-31A
-Ninja #5-10
-Magwai #3-4
-Ewok Baby #3-4
-Zombie Iceman (-8)
-Movie Galvatron
-Nova Prime (w/ Autobot Matrix of Leadership)
-Snow Trooper #26-30
-Sub-Zero (-9)
-Zombie Master Chief (-9)
-Frost Giant #1
-Mecha Hitler (w/ red lantern ring)

Griz is:
-Go-Bot #3-5
-Marine #63-69
-White Dragon #1-10
-Kanye West

In an unanimous vote of 6 to 0: