American League All Stars (Lee): Poseidon, Goof Solo: Snow Speeder Pilot, The Chaos King, Doomsday, Onslaught, Dave Bowman, Supergirl, Superboy Doomsday, Aron the Rogue Watcher, Finn McCool, Bullseye, Gorilla Grodd, Peter Petrelli, Red Son Superman, Phoenix Force Namor.
National League All Stars (Lucas): Green Lantern Ryan Poteracki, Darth Shemalyah, Deadpool, White Suit Darth Vader, Blue Lantern Tom Brady, Prime Grimlock Rex, Katy Perry-Rex, Vladimir Putin, Darth Maul, Darth Vader, Magneto, Superman, Dora the Explorer, Gary the Kryptonian Army Soldier #4.
Location: A 180-Meter Sized Bowl of Cereal filled with Concentrated Molecular Acid
that is surrounded by a five foot platform all around the bowl.
“Look at her and Die. Think of her and perish.
Your best attack is her greatest weapon.”
-Tales of Death: A Dummies guide to avoiding the Darkest One
Every member of both All Star squads convene upon the platform that surrounds the massive cereal bowl filled with acid. Well, every combatant except for one. A cloaked figure stalks the acid, walking across the surface as if they were Jesus. The figure takes step after step on the surface, not being affected in the slightest by the burning qualities of the liquid. Above, both squads stare down at the figure, wondering who the missing combatant may be.
Supergirl: Why is there somebody walking on the acid down below?
Deadpool: Shouldn’t your question be in the why variety? How the hell is somebody walking on that shit? I mean, I know old lava face over here was born on a planet similar to this but even he couldn’t have survived a straight acid bath.
Darth Vader: Coming from the only man in this fight who has worse skin then me, I take offense to that.
White Suit Darth Vader: Oh come on blacky, lighten up a little for once. Just because somebody else is better then you doesn’t mean you have to treat everyone else like trash. I’m in the exact same position as you are but I choose to look at it as a good thing.
Darth Vader: You look at only having one appendage and being forced to live in a disturbingly ugly suit as a plus. Please inform me on how that is so.
Deadpool: Hey look you guys, Darth is arguing with himself.
As Deadpool laughs out loud to himself, everyone else is still whispering to whom the cloaked figure may be.
Green Lantern Ryan Poteracki: Oh my god, you guys do know who that is down there don’t you?
Supergirl: No, who is it?
GL Ryan Poteracki: It’s that stupid faux Sith Lord Darth…
(Abruptly interrupted by Dora the Explorer)
Dora: Ryannnnn, you know the rules about her. Don’t say her name or else you will dieeeee. Don’t even think about her or else.
GL Ryan Poteracki: Don’t give me that garage Dora, if you think for one second that Darth…
Dora: Ryannnn, don’t do it. Bad things will happen to you. Try touching her and you know what will happen, deathsville for whomever she sees fit.
GL Ryan Poteracki: Stop interrupting me little girl, I’m a green lantern now. Not even that stupid b*#%h Darth Shemalyah can stop me now.
Just then, Ryan clutches at his chest, not knowing what is going on. He falls to the ground, not able to breathe. Blasts of green energy start shooting out everywhere, putting many people on the defensive as they have to shield themselves from the blasts.
GL Ryan Poteracki: What (gasping for air) is happening……to me?
Ryan’s face turns blue as he looks at Dora.
Dora: I told you Ryan, do not ever underestimate her.
Ryan stares down at the darkest one who is still pacing on top of the acid pit, not paying any attention to the dying green lantern core member. Minutes after Ryan takes his last breathe; his body is suddenly pulled down into the pit of acid, melting his entire body within seconds.
Supergirl: How could somebody this powerful exist without any of us being aware of her?
Dora: Because anybody who has tried to write or talk about her has instantly died.
Peter Petrelli: Then how are you alive right now Dora?
Dora: Well Peter, let’s see, maybe I am lying right now. Maybe everything I have said today is a big fat lie. Or maybe I made a deal with her that allows me to live and tell the tale. Or perhaps, just perhaps, I’m just a little girl who likes to tell tall tales about the scary lady down below. I guess the question you have to ask yourself Peter, is which version of me, do you believe in.
Deadpool: I know this is going to come off super creepy but is anybody else finding Dora incredibly sexy right now?
Everybody stares at Deadpool with a look of disgust at his comment. Dora naturally just smiles and waives at Deadpool without even the slightest idea of how out of school his comment was.
Deadpool: Just me huh. Oh well.
Dora: (Still waiving) I love you too Deadpool!!!
Deadpool: Right back at ya babe!
Peter Petrelli: Well, I for one will not be intimidated by some Sith Ghoul who refuses to show herself.
As Petrelli says this statement out loud, a voice appears in his head that only says, “I stay down below as to give everybody else a chance." Before Peter is even able to vocalize this statement his head explodes everywhere, parts of him landing on Deadpool and Supergirl. Petrelli’s body falls to the ground, headless and dead.
Supergirl: What the hell was that?
Dora: Looks like she spoke to him. As the tale goes, the last thing you will hear before you die is the voice of the darkest one.
Supergirl: So what, is she trying to be a god?
Dora: No honey, the gods are trying to be her.
Supergirl: Screw this; I’m going to take her myself.
Deadpool: You sure about that, no offense to you miss flying princess but I’m going with the tiny sexpot over here and staying the hell away from her.
Dora winks at Deadpool.
Supergirl: Wade, you’re such a coward. Come on you guys, get your lazy asses down here and join me in finally getting rid of this demi-god.
Supergirl takes off towards the darkest one, joining her on the trip is Red Son Superman, The Chaos King, Superboy Doomsday and the regular Doomsday. As the five of them approach, The Chaos King creates a film over top the acid that allows them to walk on top of it.
Supergirl: Good thinking King, I like how you work!
As the five of them surround the darkest one, the only thing they see from her is a tiny smirk from the left side of her mouth. Doomsday is the first one in and with what he assumed would be a devastating punch to the face, instantly back fires onto him and shatters his entire body in one sudden motion. The remaining pieces of him sank to the bottom of the acid pit, dissipating immediately. The four remaining combatants look at each other and know they are in for a much more brutal fight then they originally imagined. Supergirl takes flight and shoots her heat blasts at the darkest one, only to have the blasts come back at her ten fold, melting her before she even realized what was happening.
Red Son Superman and the Chaos King now think they understand what they are up against, that was until they realized that just by thinking about the darkest one, both of their bodies were bent completely in half, severing both of their spines, sending them into the pit of acid. With the Chaos King now dead, the film keeping Superboy Doomsday afloat on the acid was now gone, sending his body down into the acid as well.
Dora: I don’t know why nobody believes me.
Deadpool: It’s because nobody understands you quite like I do.
Just then, they both see Poseidon trying to be a hero by attempting to manipulate the acid pit in which the darkest one is standing upon.
Deadpool: Oh god dammnit Posey, what do you think you are doing.
Poseidon: My job!
Deadpool: Lame, just lame. Heard it way too many times. That’s like a one liner that somebody who isn’t funny or clever would use.
Poseidon: Oh, somebody like you?
Deadpool: My point exactly. Go ahead Posey; kill yourself trying to fight this lady.
Poseidon: A coward till the end Wade.
Deadpool: Last person to call me a coward was melted, just saying.
On The Other Side Of The Cereal Bowl
Magneto: Do you suppose we should try and do something right now?
Blue Lantern Tom Brady: Hell no metal brains, Shemalyah’s got this.
Everybody looks at Tom, knowing full well what is about to happen.
BL Tom Brady: What?
Tom Brady’s entire body explodes, spraying everybody on the National League roster.
Back With Poseidon, The Doomed Fool
Poseidon, being the arrogant god that he proclaimed to be, decided that if he was able to manipulate water, why couldn’t he do the same with the acid. In his infinite wisdom, he decided this was the best course of action and he turned the once serene acid pool into a agitated white squall that was now splashing all over the massive bowl.
Deadpool: Wow Posey, this is what you had in mind? A wave of acid to cover the entire place.
Poseidon: All it has to do is envelope her for a second and I will be victorious.
Deadpool: She is already walking on the stuff, I’m pretty sure this isn’t going to accomplish what you think it is.
Poseidon: Not surprising you cannot see where this will lead Wade, short sided as always.
Deadpool: Quite the opposite Posey, I know exactly what’s going to happen.
Dora: Your greatest attack is her greatest weapon. It’s on page 37.
Deadpool: What library do you shop at baby, because I think I need a membership.
Poseidon laughs as the waves of acid cover the darkest one over and over again, making her impossible to see anymore.
Poseidon: What were you saying Wade, something about me failing to kill this cowardly menace?
Deadpool: I feel like somebody needs a larger vocabulary Posey because you just can’t get enough of the C-word tonight.
Poseidon: Always joking Wade, it is a shame. Watching you stand behind that little girl just reminds me of how truly powerful I am.
Out of nowhere, the waves of acid come to an abrupt end. Stillness once again settles upon the pool of acid.
Deadpool: Uh oh big P, looks like this is where the story takes a turn for the worse.
Dora: I might just be a little girl Mr. Poseidon but I do know what I am talking about.
Poseidon: Please my child, the waves have settled because she is dead. No need to continue their pursuit when the terror has been defeated.
A small voice speaks only to Poseidon as he finishes his statement, “On the contrary, these waves are just getting started."
The waves of acid begin once again but this time, in a much more concentrated area. A tidal wave, fifty feet tall ascends upon the platform in which Poseidon and many of his teammates are standing on.
Poseidon: Oh God.
The waves crash down upon the platform, disintegrating Poseidon, Goof Solo, Aron, Finn McCool and Bullseye immediately upon impact.
Dora: So much for not listening to the little girl.
Deadpool: Hey, stupid is as stupid does.
Dora: Don’t be unoriginal honey.
Deadpool: Sorry baby.
Dora: Are you calling me baby because I am actually closer to being a baby then an actual adult.
Deadpool: Oh come on, don’t ruin it.
Dora: Okay! Though I am starting to realize why people think this is creepy.
Deadpool: You do know that you are not a kid anymore, right?
Dora: Then why am I dressed like one?
Deadpool: No idea, but don’t stop okay. Please!!!
Dora: Once again, creepy.
Deadpool: I’ll never stop being creepy baby.
Dora: And now we are on the same page. Oh look honey, the mind readers think they can take her. They’re almost cute in their naiveté.
Dave Bowman and Onslaught both think they understand the severity of the situation. Both of them believe that the reason their fellow teammates have failed thus far is because they have relied too much on brawn and not enough on anything else. Onslaught and Bowman, both masters of the realms beyond the physical, both summon everything they have and make an attempt to enter the mind of the darkest one. Once they gain access to her mind, their belief is that they can bring an end to her reign over this war.
Onslaught: Are we ready Dave?
Dave Bowman: Of course Charles, when are we not.
Onslaught: Then the time is right, let’s end this once and for all.
As the American League combatants begin their assault on the cloaked woman, they find that her mind is an intricate web of darkness. Within seconds, they both realize what they are up against and attempt to leave. Unfortunately for them, they have touched the darkest one, a touch that will be their undoing.
Dora: I told everybody that you cannot touch her! That goes for mental connections too!!!!
Both Dave Bowman and Onslaught writhe in pain on the ground of the platform, not quite fully understanding the true power that lies inside of the darkest lord of the Sith, before they succumb to her advances.
Phoenix Force Namor: That is it! Somebody needs to put an end once for all to this scourge upon us. All of these advances upon my team will stop right now, for I am King Namor, ruler of Atlantis, destroyer of any foe who comes against my ally’s and most importantly, me.
Namor flies down towards the darkest one and stops mere inches away from her. Namor hovers right next to her as she turns around and stares directly into his eyes.
Namor: You dare assume you can defeat the King of Atlantis.
The Darkest One is silent but does not break eye contact with him.
Namor: Speechless are you? Have you finally realized you have met your match with me?
Shemalyah makes no movement other then letting another smirk leave the left side of her mouth.
Namor: I expected as much from somebody like yourself. You live your live with no code to speak of. You think yourself invincible but you are no more a god then I am.
Still nothing from the cloaked woman, to the frustration of the Sub-Mariner.
Shemalyah: I live by one code; if it lives, it must die.
The second the darkest one finishes her final word, Namor is torn apart, legs and arms torn from his body, one by one, until there is nothing left of him. As his body is destroyed, the power of the Phoenix force is unleashed on Shemalayh, but instead of it inflicting any damage on her, the Phoenix Force itself is extinguished into nothing. Leaving nothing behind to even suggest that there was a battle mere seconds before.
Deadpool: It’s all up to you ya big lug.
Gorilla Grodd stares down at the most dangerous creature to ever grace the Fantasy Fantasy landscape and realizes that there is no possible way for him to win this fight. He then does what makes the most sense to him, he speaks her name. Within moments, he can feel his brain melting from the inside, sending him into convulsions, which eventually kill him.
Deadpool: Brave guy that gorilla was and smart to boot. Not a chance I’d be able to do something like that. Well baby, you want to get out of here, looks like her work is done here.
Dora: Oh honey, you still don’t understand her do you? You don’t actually think she is done yet do you?
Deadpool: What’s the what? What are you talking about baby, we won already. Let’s get out of here. It’s the All Star game, this doesn’t matter anyways. NL has this thing already, time to skedaddle our way out of here and ride into the socially inappropriate sunset.
Dora: Oh lord, you really don’t get it. She doesn’t care about teams. She lives by one code honey, if it lives, it must die. I spoke of her countless times today. Why she let me live, I have no idea, but trust me, she won’t let me live forever.
Deadpool: What are you playing at baby cakes, this doesn’t count anyways, let’s leave right now…
Dora begins to scream in pain before Deadpool is even able to react, before he realizes what is going on, the former child explorer lies dead at his feet. Wade stands there stunned at her sudden death, not realizing it until now what she meant when she spoke of the darkest one.
Deadpool: She really isn’t going to stop until everyone is dead. Oh boy, I don’t like this. HEY BOYS (screaming to the entire NL squad) SHE’S NOT GOING TO STOP UNTIL WE’RE ALL DEAD. SO BASICALLY, WE’RE ALL F*@#%D!!!
At hearing these words a smile comes across Darth Shemalyah’s entire face, knowing full well that the words coming from Wade Wilson’s mouth are the complete truth. For she knows that she can never be defeated, a god among god’s.
Her name is Darth Shemalyah, speak it and die. Think of her and die. No matter the situation, know that as long as she exists, you have no chance of living.