Friday, May 27, 2016
The Moist Mafia: Mickey Mouse with Legion flight ring, Minny Mouse with star wand, Goofy, Donald Duck with red lantern ring , Daisy Duck, The Neverland Pirates: Jake, Cubby, Izzy, Scully and Doc Mcstuffins
In a magical place a unicorn unleashed a magestic rainbow fart, little does the unicorn know is that a battle is about to take place. The group of the disney characters and the neverland pirates continue to search a way out until they realized they're not alone. In a instant one of the pirates, Cubby is taken out with his neck quickly snapped. One by one all the pirates are being taken out. Angry, Donald tries to kill the assailant with the power of the red ring but he mistakenly hit goofy instead. Donald again thinks he got the target in sight but the enemy grabs Daisy and throws her in the blast, killing her. The enemy finally stops and is to be revealed to be Super Sonic, he runs up to Minny and throws one punch in her face instantly kill her. Sonic went up to the dead bodies o the pirates, grabs a sword and uses his speed to throw it to where its unseeable to Donald and Mickey impaling them both. Sonic leaves only to try and figure a way out of this unicorn fart, as he's leaving he turns to his enemies dead bodies and say "Hopefully Disney doesn't buy anymore franchises and fuck them up."
Saturday, May 21, 2016
Season 9, Week 1 Consolation Match: Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies vs. Fake Man's Faulty Frenemies
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?”
Thursday, May 19, 2016
The Abomintrons are: Iron Legion #5
Super Kitties are: Wonder Girl w/Ferengi Energy Whip
A Unicorn, a mystical creature with many enigmatic qualities. One of those qualities that few ever consider is the gas released from said creatures buttock. The gas released, magical as it is, is of the pink variety. For those fart enthusiasts out there, pink farts are the rarest form of gas released by any creature, which conisdering, is a good thing as a pink fart is of the most deadly variety.
Wonder Girl, knowing full well that her opponent will survive much longer in this atmosphere then she will, needs to make a move immediately or else the elements themself will kill her. With her lasso in one hand and the energy whip in the other, she races over to the Iron Legion robot and makes her first strike. The blow injures the robot but does not kill it. The Legion fighter then begins firing his many arms blasts at Wonder Girl, all but one of them she is able to avoid.
A nasty shot to the thigh has hobbled young Cassandra, which means she has one more chance to finish this off once and for all. With her right thigh throbbing and the noxious gas filling her lungs, she takes her lasso and with all her might, whips it at the Iron Legion members head, brings it over towards her and rips it`s head clean off. Then she punches a hole through it`s chest, creating a chain reaction that not only causes the robot to explode, but also ignites the pink fumes, blowing up the entire vicinity including Wonder Girl herself.
Monday, May 16, 2016
Prize: Storm IV Twin Pod Cloud Car
Setting: The inside of a Unicorn Fart.
-Miley and Barack's Retired Commandos and Abused Veterans Vs. TEAM (Josh)
-The Moist Mafia Vs. Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions (John)
-Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies Vs. Fake Man's Faulty Frenemies (one more time for Old Man Parks) (Becks)
-The Abomitrons Vs. Layanderletson's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family (Nick)
Setting: The Playoff Planet
Prize: 3 Resistance X-Wings
-George Washington's Slaves Vs. Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches (Josh)
-The Empire Vs. The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets (Mike)
-Team Sleeping Pussy Vs. The Royal Highness (Chris)
-Griswold's Nut-busters Vs. John and Vader's House of Sith Aids (Dave)
**Squads are due in to your respective Watcher by 12:00 pm on Friday May 20th. They will be posted by the following Sunday May 29th.
President Barack Obama and Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos Vs. Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatchs
Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches are Romeo (w/ a green lightsaber), Juliet, Sea-Man, Zombie Kyle Houslander, Black Lantern Zachary Houslander, Molar: The Eternian Dentist, Southpark Crew: Kyle, Stan, Eric, and Kenny, and REAL Man.
In all my nine years of FFL Watching, never have I seen 150 combined points with this much potential. Trained killing machines, is really the only way to describe the host of characters crammed into the covered porch in front of my own home. Many Season 1 FFL veterans have trained for nine full years just for this very moment. That final moment, when these weathered soldiers will achieve the honor of dying on a dusty porch in Canton Michigan.
Nichole Des Jardins-Wakefield has painstakingly attempted to put together a plan of attack, in preparation for this battle; but The Commandos soon realize that Dora was right all along. No plan can be put together for a battle like this. This is a brawl, and plans go out the window quick when a brawl breaks out. Nichole attempts to jump into the fray early by grabbing a hold of Kenny, whom science has told her (and me) that he must be the first person to die in this match (it is after all the rules). “OH MY GOD, SHE KILLED KENNY”!! His childhood friends scream in unison as she picks him up, kicks open the screen door that refuses to latch properly and tosses him into the lava. But alas, Kenny was quick enough to wrap the string of his hoodie tightly around the wrist of Nichole, who is then yanked into the lava with Kenny, joining him in death.
Molar: The Eternian Dentist, grabs his cell phone and calls his financial adviser to let him know he needs funds diverted to his retirement account, as soon as he sees the Spice Girls. Like any dentist, he begins to salivate at the sound of any British accent and knows that he can spend the rest of his career working on the five rich Englishwomen. He climbs in the window of Josh's house and sets up shop in the living room, getting to work on Victoria first, while the other four aging Spice Girls play Wii Sports Bowling as they wait. Molar can't help but think how hot these old women probably were back in their prime, and thinks to himself how crappy it is that even rich people in England can't take care of themselves under their third-rate single-payor healthcare system, because these five obviously haven't been good to their bodies. In a rare moment of tourette syndrome induced speech, Molar comments that: “After looking at them up close, maybe now they should all be known as Scary Spice”; so the Spice girls unanimously decide to not find the obvious humor buried within that statement and they instead beat the hell of Molar. His run of the mill Eternian muscular build does nothing for him, as the five women trash Josh's living room (okay, fine it was already a mess (I have like 19 kids give me a break)) whilst violently killing Molar.
The Spice Girls then climb back out of the window to brag to their teammates about the kill they just racked up when Dora yells: “Spice Girls watch out”!! But it is too late as the undead versions of Kyle and Zack begin ripping apart and devouring the Spicy girls. The impressionable youths of what is left of The Southpark gang randomly become cannibals when they see the teenagers doing it first. Kyle, Zack, Kyle, Stan, and Cartman all make about a dozen jokes about how fun they are to eat because “you don't even have to add salt” and “this one already tastes like garlic pepper”. The jokes about them being “spiced” girls get old pretty quick, but it does not stop them from making them over and over again. It isn't until every last bit of spice girl is consumed that Frank Poole gets tired of it all and pulls a gun out of space suit. The bullets don't seem to affect Black Lantern Zack or Zombie Kyle, but they sure do shut up those Southpark brats.
Real Man finally gets teleported to the match late, because he did everything in his power to make sure that he was unable to get to Josh's house. He figured that since he never has once shown up to a draft, or a bbq, and that he sent in his teams only around 30% of the time, that he didn't need to show up to the match he was in either. But us Watchers tracked him down and got him here, just in time to be the next casualty. Dora, who is ecstatic to be reunited with her cousin Diego, whom she hasn't seen since the network thought he was “bigger than the show” and gave him a spin-off yells to her cousin, saying: “Hey Diego, you can handle this tool-box, right”?? Diego replies with “I doubt I even need an active role in this one. BABY JAGUAR!! Pretend like he's Donald Trump”!! Baby Jaguar then leaps onto the chest of REAL Man and bites his jugular vein killing Real Man with ease.
Sea-Man goes swimming in Frank Poole (if ya know what I mean). A strange circumstance of a deviant sexual nature then arises that would be strangely graphic and pretty creepy, yet still very well-written if Arthur C. Clarke was telling this tale; but as anybody who has ever read one of my Fantasy Fantasy matches knows, I am no Arthur C. Clarke; so none of you have to worry about an unusually long fetish paragraph coming up next. Instead it just ends with Sea-Man sending Frank out into the surrounding lava with a fire hose like blast of milky grossness. Boil Over Becks is instantly smitten with his supposed enemy and the two disgusting, crusty creatures fall hopelessly in love with one another. Sea-Man and Boil Over Becks begin violently sucking face and pawing each other in front of everyone. It isn't until the entire porch is brimming with bile and throw-up, from the other combatants on both squads being overtaken with attacks of continuous projectile vomiting that Boil Over Becks and Sea-Man grab a hold of each others hands tightly and leap into the lava together Thelma and Louise style; knowing that the cruel world will never accept them for who they really are.
Juliet claims that Dora was eyeing her man Romeo and begins walking over to the young explorer like she is “all that”. “GIRL, MY MAN AIN'T CHO BABYS' DADDY. THAT S*&T LOOK LIKE A MONKEY ANYHOW”!! Juliet screams as she rushes towards Dora. Dora is about to go into full beserker attack mode, when Boots, who is not the least bit offended by being called a monkey, because he IS a monkey says: “Dora, if you don't mind, this chick isn't even worth your fighting prowess. Allow me”. Boots then leaps onto the wall and spin attacks Juliet with lightning quickness. Backpack begins to work out Boots' lightsaber for him; but he doesn't even need it for this fight. He just wraps his tail around Juliet's ankle to trip her up, and then comes down hard and fast with a well-placed bony-cartoon-monkey-knee to the throat to break Juliet's neck.
“NOOOOOOOOOO, MY LOVE”!! Romeo screams after the death of Juliet.
Romeo then calmly prepares his fiddle-stick in his left hand, while he ignites his green lightsaber in his right and swears to avenge his star-crossed lover by ending The Commandos once and for all. The undead Kyle and Zack are pretty much down for whatever, and line up along with Romeo, prepared to end Dora and her friends for good. But Dora is not alone. Dora is not the type of soldier who would ever ask others to lay down their life, when she could take the fall herself. She would never utter words asking for respect, instead it is her past actions that command said respect. Dora ignites her lightsaber, but before she can leap into action, Azeem ignites the old lightsaber of he and Dora's fellow Season 1 draftmate Master Qui Gon Jinn, while also holding his Saracen sword. He reminds Dora that she has saved his life and that his life now exists only to protect hers.
Azeem speaks to his teammates:
“WOULD YOU LET THESE MEN HURT DORA?!!? DESPITE THEIR POWER WOULD YOU STAND BY AND ALLOW THE GREATEST COMMANDO IN HISTORY TO FALL TO SUCH VILLAINY?!!? WE JOIN TOGETHER TODAY FOR ONE LAST VENTURE. ONE LAST MOMENTOUS OCCASSION. IF YOU WOULD BE COMMANDOS, THAN FIGHT. FIGHT AGAINST A TRIO OF MONSTERS WHO WOULD ATTACK A YOUNG GIRL. JOIN ME.......
JOIN DORA THE EXPLORER”!!!!
Backpack and Map both perk up at the idea of somebody attacking their beloved carrier, while Boots still stands prepared to protect Dora. Diego and Baby Jaguar, though newly made teammates to Diego's cousin Dora, traded away from Romeo's very team just minutes before the trade deadline owe Dora their fame, their T.V. Show, and their skills. They too stand ready to defend the soldier who's skills as a killer most likely do not need defending. The last two remaining Gungans of the once “Grand Gungan Army” of The Commandos remind Dora that they too have life debts to the heart and soul of The Commandos. Ewok Child #9 and Doozer #9 stand prepared as well. And as soon as Azeem said his last word they all rushed the trio of Romeo, Kyle, and Zachary.
Dora on the other hand seems to be in a surreal trance. She knows that the end for the Commandos is here, and that it is destiny for her to end with them. Why else would she get the start in this multi-death match, if she and her friends from the start would not also share an end. Her trance is almost catatonic as she watches the battle unfold around her. Mere seconds seem like hours as she watches people needlessly achieve the death that was meant for her and that she knows will be upon her shortly. The vicious undead versions of Kyle and Zack rip apart the Ewok baby and Doozer, before they each feast on one of the brains of the last remaining Gungans. Azeem engages in a pitched-battle (Becks shout out)/double sword fight with Romeo; but Azeem breaks away from the battle when he sees Black Latern Zack flying in fast towards Dora. While Azeem goes for the Black Lantern; Diego, Boots, and Baby Jaguar converge on the much larger Zombie Kyle and begin hacking away at the walker until Boots finishes him off with a lightsaber through the throat. Azeem: The Great One throws a makeshift mortar of explosive black powder at Zack and then takes out the semi-blinded black lantern with a double swing of his lightsaber and Saracen blade.
But as the two undead brothers fall, it is at that moment that the entire Commando squad turns to see their nightmare about to come to fruition. Their beloved captain Dora, who has seemingly embraced her inevitable death has been knocked to the ground. She lay flat on her back, while she stares up at Romeo with his lightsaber ready to deal the killing blow.
“Such sweet Sorrow” says Romeo as he begins his soliloquy. He raises up his lightsaber and smirks as he finishes with: “And when she shall die, cut her in to little stars... And she shall make the face of heaven so fine; that all the world will be in love with night”...... But Dora sees her heartbroken fellow Commandos out of the corner of her eye and smirks up at Romeo as she says: “Ehh, sounds good. Maybe later” while she catapults herself up between Romeo's legs and catches a lightsaber thrown from Boots to stab Romeo through the chest in one swift motion.
Griswold's Nut-busters are Gambit (w/ Magnoguard Electrostaff), (Age of Apocalypse) Nightcrawler, Kanye West, Roper, and Jinx (w/ a star sapphire ring and Stark Rescue Armor).
As the two teams size each other up and prepare to do battle within the confines of the porch at Josh's house, Gambit asks The Team Sleeping Pussy squad if they may have a moment to sort out some team business. Gentlemen Ghost of course gladly permits this strange request, while Alexander and Electra both begrudgingly agree as well. With this battle reprieve established, Gambit nods to his teammates and says: “Okay guys, go ahead and do it”.
Roper then hits Kanye in the back of the head with his nunchuks knocking the Kardashian relative out cold. Nightcrawler then grabs him, teleports into mid-air outside over the lava, drops him, and teleports back. Jinx sighs in relief and mutters: “finally” under her breath. While Gambit speaks to the Sleeping Pussies: “Thanks fellas, we just couldn't stand that guy anymore. He had to go”.
Alexander Luthor in a rare moment of candor, cracks a smile and says: “Yeah, I've seen him on T.V., I'm not sure how you guys didn't do it sooner”.
“Now shall we begin” asks Gentleman Ghost.
“Let's do this” proclaims Jinx and Gambit simultaneously...
Alexander Luthor begins by flipping over the glass table, in an attempt to create a miniature diversion and gain the upper hand; but it fails to work on Gambit, who spins into action and uses his magnoguard electrostaff to stun Luthor before he unleashes a wad of energy charged playing cards into the chest of Luthor to take him out.
Gentleman Ghost and Nightcrawler bounce and float around the confined area for quite a while, with neither of them gaining the upper hand, when Nightcrawler finally takes control of the situation. He Bamfs in around the ghost upwards of a dozen times, getting closer and closer with each teleport. Through his advanced power usage, born of his tumultuous upbringing in his Apocalypse-run home dimension, Nightcrawler is able to gain contact with the floating apparition through the sulfur-smelling teleport dust created by his teleporting. Nightcrawler is then able to take Gentlemen Ghost with him in one his bamfing teleport sessions, which allows him to simply leave the ghost in-between dimensions forever.
Despite being outnumbered, Electra is more than a match in the melee battle between her and both Roper and Jinx; despite Jinx having the aid of both a star sapphire ring and Pepper Potts old Stark rescue armor. Jinx ties up Roper's nunchuks with one of her sais, while throwing the other one into the neck of Jinx's suit, knocking the G.I. Joe ninja to the ground. Electra then spin kicks the much larger Roper right through the already hole riddled screen (crap, now squirrels are really going to get in) and sends him into the lava. Electra then turns to finish the battle, but as she does she is met by a double blast from both the star sapphire ring of Jinx and from the remainder of Gambit's deck of cards, sending her into the lava as well.
The Slaves are: Kid Omega, Wildebeest and Hillary & Bill Clinton with green lightsaber
The Midgets are: Age of Apocalypse Weapon X, Deadpool and Peppermint Patty & Marcie
The two teams square off on the porch. Quentin Quire--Kid Omega, zaps the minds of of Weapon X and Deadpool with a couple of well placed psi blasts, freezing them in their tracks but hesitates when he sees the vision of beauty that is Marcie and feels a sense of anger that she is holding hands with what must be her boyfriend, Pat. This hesitation is all Weapon X and Deadpool need to snap out of their psi stupors, rushing Kid Omega and making short work of him, then stepping out of the way of Wildebeest who rushes past them like a runaway freight train, breaking through the door and into the liquid inferno outside. Turning to the Clintons, they are verbally blasted with a "SHAME ON THE TWO OF YOU!" brayed from Hillary. Logan blasts her in the face with his stump which causes her to join Wildebeest in a lava bath. At this, Bill drops the lightsaber (he was shaking so badly that he could not even turn the thing on) and collapses to the floor in tears and emitting high pitched sobs. Any chance of him getting back into The White House to sample the young hot flesh of college age interns, pages and secretaries is gone forever. From now on his sexual diet will consist of bag ladies who moonlight as hookers at Best Westerns and lot lizards at truck stops. "Are you gonna finish him?" asks Deadpool. "Naw," replies Logan. "That would be doing him a favor."
Hey, young'ns, this is Old Man Parks here to spin a little yarn about one of the damnedest matches I ever did watch in my Fantasy Fantasy days. Alright, so there they were: A bunch of butch broads in loincloths were stuffed into Young Man Houslander’s covered porch with some made-up pansy-ass characters and that wrestler guy what choked his wife and kid. So they're all shuffling around nervous 'cause they’re too tight in this little porch, but they don't wanna get burnt by the lava. Oh, right, and the place was surrounded by lava, far as the eye could see. The wrestler, he pulls out this jar of Xanax and pops a couple, offers them to the others in the room. Doc tried to put me on the Xanax for my ol’ trick knee once. Bad reaction, wound up half naked in the yard havin’ war flashbacks. Called Harrison and his boy a couple'a gooks. Harrison ain't even an oriental fella. Anyway, Atticus Finch - He was always kind of a radical, “free-thinker”... ******-lover, is what I'm saying - he takes one and washes it down with a swig out of a flask. This purple guy with a mustache and a purple ring, he takes a couple too. He was either gay or European. Hell, who am I kidding, what's the difference? So most everyone in the room takes one or two of these little bars, and for a while everyone starts to calm down and stop quaking like little sissy Frenchmen. The wrestler fella was trying to smooth talk the manly broads while Atticus and the gay European had a little heart-to-heart. Pills must've been doing something to ol’ purple, 'cause he looked like a surly bastard before, but they had him staring in awe while Finch rambled on some hippie bull**** about “equality” and “integrity”. The wrestler though, he was getting turned down something rough by those beefy lesbos, and boy was he riled up. He starts shouting and stomping like a schoolboy. Atticus Finch can't handle the excitement, throws up in his mouth and collapses on the floor. Doc always said not to drink on the Xanax, but I did anyway. I survived two goddamn wars, I think I can handle some bourbon with my meds. Next think you know, everyone is freaking out and yelling. The wrestler starts really wailing on one of the ladies. Now, I'm no liberal, but you never hit a woman as hard as he did there. There's a difference between a little marital correction and a flat-out beating, you gotta find that balance. These broads all pile in on him and take him down, but the guys with the weapons start cutting 'em back. The guy with the Halberd and the cheesy lizard guy, they both got themselves killed, but in the end the ladies never stood a chance. It's like I always say, even the strongest carpet-munchers cant match a few good men. Next think you know they're gonna wanna be allowed in the Olympics, nah, what is this world coming to? Let's just pray Ol’ Donny Trump gets into office, the last thing we need is some dame menstruating all over the goddamn constitution. What? Oh, right, well anyway...
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Saint of Killers
Smurf #9 "Roster Filler Smurf"
Fake Man's Faulty Frenemies (soon to be under new ownership is):
-Ernst Stavro Blofeld
-Donald "Red" Grant
In a vote of 4 to 3.....
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Then the stupid pitbull next door comes over and pees on their scorched faces to add insult to injury.
Victory Leo and Star Saber (forms Victory Saber)
Vladimir Putin with Yellow Lantern Ring
Michonne with Purple Light Saber
Buzz Lightyear with Green Light Saber
Vehicle: NASA X-43 HYPER X
The Midgets are:
-Twincast w/ Frenzy, Ravage, Laserbeak, Buzzsaw, Ratbat, Overkill, Slugfest, Squawktalk, Beastbox, Enemy, Wingthing, Flip Sides, Sundor, Garboid, Howlback, Glit, Nightstalker, Playback, Rosanna, Stripes, and Autobot Cassette #1-3.
-Mr. Mizpitelik (earth 3)
-Red Robin (w/ Tron suit and Light disc), Duncan Idaho (Kid version), Blue Toad, Rumble, and Bill Murray (w/ a red lightsaber) in The T-Ship
-Ratts Tyrelle in a Vought Sikorsky VS-300
FFL Location Evaluation: Kepler 438b.
Report by: NuFaGtu.
Sun: Red Dwarf.
Planet Surface: Rocky.
Ambient Radiation: Extremely High.
Notes for the Commissioner: For the love of all that's holy, DO NOT hold a match here! The radiation is not suitable for ANY living thing. Be it man, beast, robot, or even a robot beast, all will die a painful meaningless death!!! Moreso than usual!!! Also, this location may fool people into thinking this is a space battle, eventhough it is not. Make sure you say this SPECIFICALLY in the description of the battlefield, or else some may become confused and submit illegal line-ups! Personally, I would avoid the whole matter entirely by finding a more suitable place to fight. I hear Endor is nice this time of year. Finally, there seems to be a slight variance in time perception here on Kepler 438b. I have filed this report on Sunday, but I fear you may not receive it until a later date. At best, you may get it on Tuesday, but it could theoretically take much longer. I hope that is not the case.
Final verdict: Kepler 438 is rejected for consideration as a battlefield.
Signed, FFL Advance Man NuFaGtu.
Season 9, Week 9 Match: John and Vader's House of Sith Aids vs. Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions
That you're here with me and I'm here with you;
I wish that the earth, sea, the sky up above-a,
Will send me someone to lava.”
-Kuana Torres Kahele and Napua Greig [Lava]
Monday, May 9, 2016
Anyway team sleeping pussy teleports to the surface of the planet and patiently await the arrival of their enemies who lack the ability to bend space time and basically anything like the trio of Dr. Manhattan, Korvac, and the Starchild Dave Bowman. They move their “weaker” teammates Bizarro Superman and the Droid fighter into position.
Finally arriving encased in a black lantern energy ball the Murderflies drop into position to preparing their anuses for penetration. While certainly no joke of a group with several skilled force-users they are no match for three god-level combatants and a foe who can match superman. Dr. Manhattan and Korvac immediately raise their hands and point to their designated targets Greedo and Nader Vebb. Before the murderflies can even react they are wearing the remains of the two mere mortals. Bizarro charges Dr. Doomsday and the two fly out into the stratosphere. The Droid fighter takes off and goes for a strafing run while taking fire from Padme Admidala with little effect.
Darth Maul and Qui gon put aside their differences considering their both dead already and charge the god-beings. They strike Dr. Manhattan with their lightsabers with no effect, Manhattan simply stares blankly with his dong hanging out all over the place. Korvac is struck by the force conjured lightning from Jaruus cboath and laughs. He immediately disintegrates the crazy jedi wizard. Meanwhile the droid Starfighter performs a strafing run on padme and the legendary Andre the Giant. The blast obliterates Padme but has no effect on the Giant, it appears he can only defeated by wrestling moves! When the fighter reaches its lowest point of the strafe Andre grabs it with his massive paws and crushes it with a double underhook facebuster!
Suddenly Bizarro and Dr Doomsday crash back into the ground and exchange earth-shattering blows. The Starchild stares blankly and suddenly the battle stops. Dr. Doomsday starts to bleed from his eyes and nose and collapses in a heap to Bizarro’s delight. He charges Andre but can not affect the WWF (WWE) superstar because he’s too stupid to realize the only weakness of Andre. Unfortunately for the giant he can only take the punishment and not deal it back out to a superman clone and all the moves he attempts lead to his secret weakness: congestive heart failure :’(.
Maul splits from Manhattan and has his zombie instincts take over as he attempts to bite the bystander Korvac. This merely annoys him as he pushes the undead sith away and raises his hand. Dr. Manhattan, ignoring the black lantern jedi’s attacks, also raises his hand and together they destroy all the decrepit remains of the underutilized character. In a sudden twist of fate the two god-like characters become enamored with each other and start a super-gay make out session. Manhattan is clearly aroused but that causes an unexpected discharge of energy that destroys both the members of Team Sleeping Pussy.
Qui-Gon, shocked by the turn of events, doesn’t notice the Starchilds glaring look as he himself is turned into a fetus.
The Moist Mafia is Justice League Dark: John Constantine, Zatanna, Black Orchid, Madame Xanadu, and Nightmare Nurse, Manhunter #3 (Centra), White Lantern Abin Sur, The Saint of All Killers, Kip Durron, Dass Jennir, and Shadowfax.
Must I ask again what a gay horse eats??..........??
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYY!! It's the Neon Master Pogo here!! Comin-Atcha with some Week Eight Action!! We got the new guy with the gross name: The Moist Mafia, and of course, the undefeated George Washington's Slaves!! If I know my FFL History, as well as Joshatu the Stuffy thinks I should than I believe The Slaves have not had a season this promising since Year Two, when they took it all the way to The Universe Bowl and lost to the famed Horsemen of Apokolips in their first of three Universe Bowl victories!!
But now here we are on Kepler, taking in the sights, thinking about how we can move humanity here after climate change someday becomes real and we have to leave our own planet. That is if The Slaves don't wreck this place before we ever get the chance, because they brought in enough firepower to blow up Rosie O' Donnell, and maybe even enough to take Joy Behar with her.
Ya see, The Moist Mafia is down on the planet, suckin in the fresh oxygen, doing magical card tricks and such while two rather large spaceships break through the atmosphere. I hear Neil Armstrong yelling “ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS POE” over the comlink while they space-rope the three seasoned astronauts on to The Star Destroyer Devastator, leaving Apollo 11 completely unmanned. The Apollo spacecraft with its antiquated computer system follows its last computer command (prolly just control, alt, delete or some crap) and holds its course right for The Moist Mafia base of operations. Causing the squad to scatter and killing only Centra the Manhunter. The Slaves were hoping for a higher attrition rate with that bold move but they're like SO WHATEAVS over it. At least they got the whole squad to get all discombobulated and stuff which helps for their all out attack that comes next. Poe, BB-8, Neil Armstrong, and Buzz Aldrin take position inside the Star Destroyer to pilot the ship, while Superman gets ready to lead the second wave of attack, which will consist of himself, Xorn,The Galaxy Trio, Tomar Tu, and Michael Collins who insisted on going because “it is crap that he always has to stay behind on the ship on these fun missions, and that it was his turn”. But they are all being told to hang back. Because the first wave, which is naturally led by Darth Shemalya, accompanied by her faithful servants Nik Landsoh and Brek Nyram are certain that the second wave will prove unnecessary once they win the match all on their own.
Shemalya and her acolytes descend upon Kepler, while The Moist Mafia stands on the ground below with their crotch-dampened Italian dress pants glowing in the sun just like they would back home on earth. But before the true battle gets underway, Shemalya decides that she needs to use the restroom. So they hit up a local bakery, which is of course owned by a bunch of stuffy conservatives who happen to make the best baked goods on the entire planet (not that I really know how many bakeries there are here on Kepler). Well..... Best baked goods on the planet, that is if you are serving them at your traditional/NON-GAY Wedding. So, Nik Landsoh orders a pumpkin flavored cupcake and Brek Nyram gets some Angel Wings while Shemalya begins to walk into the ladies restroom, where SHE begins to look for the urinals. This becomes problematic as the INSANE, INTOLLERANT, EVIL, MOST-LIKELY GUN-TOATING, CONSERVATIVE business owner takes issue with this, as his daughter was using the restroom at the time as well. Screams of “SEXUAL PREDATOR” and “LGBTQ RIGHTS” are heard by Nik and Brek who are too busy consuming their delicious snacks to care. Shemalya, in all of her power and fluid gender rolls up her unusually large member, tucks it back into her very feminine yet commanding Sith robe, exits the restroom that she had every right to be in and then burns down the bakery in a perfectly justified rage for the purposes of social justice and gender equality. They then go on to bring about more wanton destruction as the trio approaches the Moist Mafia. Nik and Brek ignite their lightsabers as Shemalya begins her sacred Sith chant:
“Death and destruction to all who have seen us..........
Let them choke on my feminine penis”.......!!........
The Moist Mafia stands in awe of what they have witnessed, and do not even bother to attack the three of them, while they assault Shadowfax, the mighty horse of Gandalf, known as Mithrandir. They make Black Orchid hold a home video camera, while they film a very edgy internet video, that is totes-fo-sho not safe for work with the majestic horse.
The Moist Mafia is once again awestruck and speechless.
But instead of doing nothing this time, Kip Durron and Dass Jennir ignite their lightsabers and kill Shemalya, Landsoh, and Nyram with three quick lightsaber swipes, because you see even hardly-known, barely-cannon, second-tier Jedis are still better than a bunch of made up Beckerman crap.
Now where was I??....................??
Oh, yeah!! The battle. The actual battle.
So, Superman leads the actual strikeforce down to the planet, while Poe, his one of a kind basketball droid, and everybody's favorite astronauts (accept for those morons that insist the moon landing was fake) stay and await orders upon their massive star destroyer that hovers above, blocking out the sun.
The Moist Mafia picked out a really good answer to Superman, by playing a bunch of magical people, but at the end of the day, he still is Superman. So before The Justice League Dark can pull any of there hocus pocus bullcrap, Supes just heat visioned the crap out of all five of them. Bummer. The Saint of All Killers puts on quite a show though, as he rips through Xorn and Michael Collins with his bear hands and then blows apart Vapor Man and Gravity Girl with his magical guns. It isn't until Tomar Tu is able to muster almost every morsel of energy in his green ring into one giant blast that The Saint of All Killers is taken out. Meteor Man, then blasts through Kip Durron, while Superman punches the head off of Dass Jennir. White Lanetern Abin Sur stands strong and prepares to make his final stand, but at that moment, the primary weapon is finally primed and ready on The Star Destoyer Devastator. Poe gives the order, and Buzz and Neil blast Abin Sur with an immense array of firepower. As the blasts are exhausted, Abin Sur is still not completely defeated, but in his weakened state is no match for the combined forces of Superman, Meteor Man, and Tomar Tu.
The Abomitrons Vs, President Barack Obama and Pop-Superstar Miley Cyrus' "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos
President Barack Obama and Pop-Superstar Miley Cyrus' “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos is Martian Manhunter, Faora, Dark Phoenix, The Space Jockey, The Dinobots: Grimlock Prime Rex (w/ The Autobot Matrix of Leadership), Katy Perry, Slag, Snarl, Sludge, and Swoop, and Dora the Explorer, w/ Boots, Backpack, and The Map.
Hello, my name is Dora. Dora the Explorer. For those of you who aren't familiar with me, my work, or my friend Boots the Monkey, I'll give a little recap. You see, nine years ago; I was just a little girl. A little girl, with a monkey friend, a talking backpack with a talking map in it, and a love of exploring. But it has been a long nine years, and I'm not really that person anymore. You see, he changed my life. He drafted me on to his Commandos and made me more than just a little girl. He made me a soldier. For the entire administration, I have been here. I might not be one of the names on the Commando banner; but I have been the right hand of the one that controls us. I have been trusted with the secrets, given the fallback plans, made to make the tough decisions, died a dozen plus times, and dealt far more deaths than myself or my friends have endured ourselves. And today will be no different......
Three miles East of this large rock valley where both of our teams are setting up for battle, I have set up our contingency plan. It was there that I buried Map. Hid my friend, and protected him from this battle. A job that I for once didn't mind making one of my friends do; but see, the boss is worried about this match. He really wants to win these last two before he leaves the office. I'm not sure what will happen once he is gone, or what is in store for us next season without him; but it has been a great run. He's been a great president, and a great leader. I know I am rambling, but like I said before I'm not really a story teller. I'm a soldier. Which is another reason why I feel really out of place this week. I am used to being in the thick of the fight, not relegated off to the side of the battle, hiding from the real action. But I have my orders, and I always follow my orders......
Our team, and their team waste no time getting into it as this battle officially begins. It looks like they have some sugary version of our Phoenix on their team, but she doesn't stand a chance against our Dark Phoenix. Theirs becomes the first casualty, when ours just totally engulfed her power into her own. Ya gotta love it, when we take out one of their top players in the first few minutes of the match. Maybe my secret contingency plan won't be necessary after all. I hope and pray that that be the case. Sauron from their team, despite being smaller is standing toe to toe with Grimlock, right in the center of the valley. That is going to be a tough battle. Katy Perry is riding on top of him, per usual; but I'm not really sure what that silly broad is going to accomplish. I still don't understand that relationship; but hey I'm a soldier not a therapist; so what do I care?? The thing I care about is Grimlock possessing the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. I've seen a couple of robots have that since I have been here; and I'm still not sure Grimlock knows what the heck he is doing with it; but with that being said I can't deny his toughness. At this point, it looks like the rest of the Dinobots are coming over to help Grimlock and that Sauron's two Nazgul and Damud Hellstrike with the Golden Axe are coming over to help Sauron: talk about some scary dudes there.
I was a little worried that Martian Manhunter wasn't going to be able to take out Sebastian Shaw, when I saw what he was all about; but the Martian must have overloaded his absorption capabilities with his own powers and blew him up. That Martian is tough as nails; but I actually killed him once. Remember that Boots?? When Manhunter was on The Slaves and totally took him out with my jetpack??
“No, I was dead at the time; but you've told me the story”.
Oh, that's right. I love giving the Martian crap about that in the locker room; but overall, he's a pretty cool guy, and good fighter too. I wish I could say the same about that Space Jockey dude. I've been on a team with that dude, since he joined the league and I still don't get him. I even watched Aliens and that Prometheus movie; and I still don't know what that big dude is supposed to be capable of. Unfortunately, he just got taken out by a clone trooper named Fives, doing a flyby in what appears to be a Bell P-63, Kingcobra model I believe. Godspeed to the ol' Space Jockey, I think that was number ten for him. Rest in peace. OH!! Here is some quick revenge though. Faora just annihilated that plane with the clone trooper in it, and then ripped the wings right off Angel, all under a minute. I like watching that chick work. Not sure why Grimlock didn't fall for her; but again, I guess I don't really care about stuff like that.
Cyclops, Ice Man, and Beast are now all that is left of their original X-Men squad, and the three of them just rushed over to join in the Mordor vs. Cybertron battle that is still raging. The three of them work together really good and just took out Swoop and Snarl quicker than I ever thought three dudes could. Poor Swoop, he always was the weakest Dinobot. We should be alright though, because Manhunter, Faora, and Dark Phoenix just came over to lend a hand to our side. Sludge just died too, it looks like because he ate both of those Nazgul and then melted apart from the inside. Too bad, but at least he took out both of them before he went.
Oh man, I almost forgot about that Fat B-word on their team. He is waddling up now. It veers slightly from our orders; but let's just take that B-word out ourselves, huh Boots??
“Sure, Dora: We can do it”!!
Boots and I run over to that Fat B-Word, and Boots trips him up with his tail to send him tumbling. I'll just grab this rock and take it to his fat, over-indulgent head and call it a day. The rest of our squad shouldn't need to deal with that dumb, fat B-word while they are fighting the real team anyhow...
Sauron just smited Slag with that huge metal ball thing, while Damud Hellstrike just leaped up and chopped Katy Perry in half with his axe. Uh-oh...... now Grimlock is mad!! Watch this Boots, I'm not saying that I'm glad Katy is dead; but this is probably the thing we needed to tip the match in our favor. The boss really wanted this match, and now I think we may get it the old fashioned way, without any interference from me. Dark Phoenix backs up Grimlock with some major cosmic mumbo-jumbo and Grimlock goes nuts biting Damud in half and then stomping, blasting, and all out demolishing Sauron. He sure is angry. Although, he doesn't seem to be saying “Me Grimlock” anymore before he does stuff like that as much since he got the Autobot Matrix. I kind of miss it. Did you notice that Boots??
That was always worth a laugh or two. Do you miss it too, Boots??
Dark Phoenix then just turned her attention to Ice Man, who melted pretty quick, Faora pounded Cyclops into the ground after showing him what eye blasts were all about, and good ol' Martian Manhunter won the test of brains and strength against Beast, with a mid-air back-breaker.
So, I guess the boss didn't have as much to worry about as we thought Boots. We can go back and dig up Map from his safe space, and let him know he doesn't need to be the soul survivor, like the contingency plan called for, and it looks like we won't need this tactical nuke inside Backpack after all for the Hail Mary play. The boss's administration may be over with soon; but it looks like he can have this win under his belt, while we go in to the last match of the regular season next week.
“But, Dora: I have to ask..... I'm afraid you may have some of that PTSD that they keep warning you about. You keep talking about the boss, and the orders he is giving you; but Barack has been gone since last season. He couldn't possibly still be giving you orders”.
Boots, don't be silly. I wasn't talking about getting my orders from Obama. I never did. He was a good sub-captain, and I miss him; but Obama was just a soldier like you and me. I was talking about the real boss.
“The real boss”?? “What do you mean Dora”??
I was talking about Nick. The boss in the real world. He is the one I have been doing this all for since day one. And I sure am gonna miss him.......