Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Season 7, Week 5 Match: George Washington's Slaves vs. Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions

Have you ever heard of the story of Darth Shemalya?”

            -Darth Skceb [Diary of the Sith]

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 7, Week 5 Match located on the Playoff Planet.  They are as follows:

Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions: Fear Itself - Ulik, Serpent, Shao Khan/Skadi: Herald of the Serpent, Gimli/Kuurth: Breaker of Stone, Beast Wars Megatron/Nul: Breaker of Worlds, Princess Leia/Skirn: Breaker of Men, Nightsister Sith Witch #1/Nerkkod: Breaker of Oceans, Blanka/Mokk: Breaker of Faith, Marv/Greithoth: Breaker of Wills and Beast Man/Angir: Breaker of Souls; Strong Guy; Eren Jaeger; Battle Pope with chaingun; Avengelyne; Witchblade; Donkey Kong; Red Lantern Jeff Houslander; G.I. Joe - Zartan, Buzzer, Ripper, Monkeywrench and Torch;  Ghostbusters - Peter Venkman with green lightsaber, Ray Stantz, Egon Spengler and Winston Zeddemore; Heroes - Matt Parkman, Sylar, Peter Petrelli, Hiro Nakamura with blue lightsaber, Claire Bennet with Asohka Tano's green lightsaber and The Haitian; Wonder Boy and Young Nasty Man; Uncle Sam; Stargirl and S.T.R.I.P.E.; Captain Universe; Shrek-It Ralph; Daniel LaRusso with green lightsaber and green lantern ring and Care Becks.

George Washington’s Slaves: Amazo; Fernus; Loki; Wolverine; Ki Adi Mundi; Coleman Kcaj; Shindor of Brontic; Kol Skywalker with  Yoda's green lantern ring; Shado Vao; Cad Bane; Yendar Platis; Sly Moore; Sarumon with the One Ring; Boromir with Anduril; Santa Claus with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen; Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox;  Ajax Major with a devil lance;  The Hydra;  Simon Phoenix with a M202A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher; Ass Blaster #1; The Three Musketeers: Athos, Porthos with a green lightsaber (hockey stick), Aremis with green lightsaber and D'Artagian with green lightsaber; Mer-Man; Beavis with halbeard; Butthead with Sith lanvarok; Buttchunk; Wally Trollman; Norville the Dragon; The Grinch and Max the Dog; Josh Houslander - Samurai Warrior; Vampire Al Dogg; Darth Shamalya; Sandworms #19 and #20, Starship Trooper #7 and Two Headed Ogres #1 and #2.

Decisions’ locker room. . .

Care Becks:  F@ck all those Slave f@ckin’ f@cks!

Peter Venkman:  A wee bit angry there, aren’t you little guy?

Care Becks:  F@ck you!  At least I don’t wear my G#dd@mn pajamas around town!

Slaves locker room. . .

Darth Shemalya:  I will bend them all to my will. . .

Butthead:  Uuuuuuhhh. . . You can bend me anytime.

Beavis:  Yeah!  Yeah!  Bend him!  Bend him!

A LOUD SIREN RINGS THROUGHOUT THE AREAS OF THE PLAYOFF PLANET.

Let the match begin. . .

Waters region. . .

Mer-Man floats in the waters looking for his prey.  The master of his watery universe sees Nightsister Sith Witch #1/Nerkkod: Breaker of Oceans swimming toward him.  The expert mariner is more adept in the waters, but the combination of the Force, along with the special hammer, gives the witch insurmountable power over the very area itself.  Mer-Man struggles to meet his enemy.  When the aquatic humanoid finally reaches the witch, he is met by a crushing blow to his skull by Nerkkod’s hammer.  Mer-Man is killed instantly.  Nightsister Sith Witch #1/Nerkkod swims back to shore.  

Shemalya. . .

Cloaked shadow: You shall be known henceforth as Darth Shemalya. . .

Shemalya:  Yes, my master.

An ugly grin creeps upon Shemalya’s face.  She smiles at the recognition of her becoming a true Sith.  She will make her exploits known throughout the galaxy.  She will make her name known to all.  She will make all quake in fear before her.  She is Shemalya. . .  

Arctic region. . .

Sparking waves of light encircle the sky as the Ghostbusters attempt to capture Santa Claus and his reindeer in their modified containment device.

Zeddemore:  I knew Krampus was real, but Claus – go figure!

Spengler:  Focus and keep firing, Winston!

Santa Claus rides his sleigh with skillful precision as he steers around his enemies’ weapons and straight into Zeddemore.  Zeddemore is knocked to the ground.  The fourth Ghostbuster rises and his face is met by a repeated trampling by over a dozen pairs of hooves.  The bloodied and brain dead Zeddemore falls to the ground, never to rise again as his spirit travels to the FFL Graveyard.  Stantz manages to shoot Blitzen out of the sky, while Spengler shoots and kills Donner.  The two reindeer are instantly seared, but their deaths do not affect the remainder of the Rangifer tarandus carriers as the remaining animals continue to climb in the sky, carrying their dead brethren with them.  Claus instantly reacts at their deaths and snaps the leashes, allowing the decedents to fall to the ground below.  The sleigh flies on and turns around, focusing on both Stantz and Spengler.  The reindeer shrug their shoulders and use their antlers to repeatedly strike and impale Stantz and Spengler.  The Ghostbusters shredded bodies eventually slide from the antlers of their killers, their spirits joining their brother in the Graveyard.  Venkman strikes the enemy with his lightsaber and manages slice both Comet’s and Cupid’s bellies. The two carry their entrails behind and eventually are let go from the sleigh by Santa’s mechanism.   After several passes, the animals are too much for the Ghostbuster and Venkman is killed, but not before killing Dasher.  Santa Claus regroups with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen and shoots into the sky. 

Desert Region. . .

Sandworms #19 and #20 tunnel through the grains of sand.  They explode to the surface and are met by an overly confident Fear Itself squad - Ulik, Serpent, Shao Khan/Skadi: Herald of the Serpent, Gimli/Kuurth: Breaker of Stone, Beast Wars Megatron/Nul: Breaker of Worlds, Princess Leia/Skirn: Breaker of Men, Blanka/Mokk: Breaker of Faith, Marv/Greithoth: Breaker of Wills and Beast Man/Angir: Breaker of Souls confront the Dune behemoths.  The hammer wielders dart around the monsters, smashing and thrashing their weapons and utilizing their enhanced powers against the beasts.  Sandworm #19 falls to the Fear foes, but manages to crush Princess Leia/Skirn:Breaker of Men and Beast Man/Angir: Breaker of Souls in the skirmish.   Sandworm #20 also eventually falls, but manages to kill both Gimli/Kuurth: Breaker of Stone and Marv/Greithoth: Breaker of Wills in the fight.  The remaining Fear itself combatants, exhausted but victorious, move on.

Shemalya. . .

The fetid smells of the Nar Shaddaa sewers waft through the nostrils of young Pinn.  Her tattered clothes encase her sinewy body, as she is drenched in the waters and filth of the concrete pipes.  She has been on the run from the swoop gang for almost ten hours and whenever she seems to gain some ground in escaping their anticipated savagery, she falls again.  The drips echo from the pipes above, lulling her into a dream-like state.  If she ever escapes, she will be sure to change her circumstances in life.  A tough life from birth. . .  

Forest region. . .

Zartan and his biker gang of Dreadnoks - Buzzer, Ripper, Monkey Wrench and Torch slowly ride through the forest region on their motorcycles.  Shado Vao rushes out from behind the trees and uses the Force to push the motorcycles into one another.  Their riders crash to the ground, but the Cobra Industries’ renegades manage to avert total disaster by using their skills to escape sure death.  The Rutian twi’lek ignites his lightsaber and is suddenly joined by Cad Bane, who immediately fires his weapons from both hands.  The Dreadnoks bring out their weapons from behind their wall of demolished motorcycles; Buzzer whips his chainsaw into a frenzy, Monkeywrench raises a couple sticks of dynamite, Road Pig brings out his sledgehammer and Torch ignites his cutting torch.  The explosives’ expert Monkeywrench lights both sticks of dynamite.  As he is about to throw them at Vao and Cad Bane, Wolverine screams from a tree branch above and slices off both of Monkeywrench’s arms.  Wolverine rushes to freedom and the dynamite explodes, shredding the decimated bodies of both Monkeywrench and Ripper. Zartan, Buzzer, Road Pig and Torch survive the blast.     

Road Pig miraculously reaches Bane and smashes the Duros bounty hunter with his sledgehammer.  Cad Bane falls to his knees and is set upon by both Buzzer and Torch.  Bane is both burned and sliced apart at the same time.  While the two Dreadnoks are focused on the burning and dismemberment of Bane, Vao strikes them both down with his lightsaber skills. 

Zartan has no chance against the combined powers of both Wolverine and Vao.  He is killed in only a matter of moments.

Shemalya. . .

She remembers the large hands as they reach around her small body.  The man smiles at her and hugs the young girl close.  Pinn feels warmth and love surrounding her as the man laughs.  She has finally found a home.  She is finally safe.  She is so very wrong. . .

Mountain region. . .

The Grinch and antlered Max stand next to Paul Bunyan and Babe.  They are positioned between Two Headed Ogres #1 and #2.  The Slaves look down the slope and see the Heroes slowly making their way up the path.   Matt Parkman attempts to read the mind of the Grinch and only hears “you’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.”  Just before he attempts to read the mind of Bunyan he is struck by a rock thrown by Two Headed Ogre #2.  The police officer is crushed underneath the boulder.  Hiro Nakamura grips onto Claire Bennett and transports the duo behind the enemy.  Bennett does a cartwheel while igniting her lightsaber and slices Max in half.  The Grinch screams in anger, but before he is able to reach his pet, is struck down by Hiro with his blue lightsaber.  Before the two can strike again, Babe boots the two across the sky.  Hiro is instantly killed, while Claire lays in a crumpled mass on the rocks below.  The Haitian is taken out by a swipe of Bunyan’s axe.  Peter Petrelli touches Sylar and the two race to the top of the mountain where they easily kill both Two Headed Ogres #1 and #2.  The two Heroes feed off one another’s abilities and manage to kill both Paul Bunyan and Babe. The two, bloodied and weary, walk down the winding trek and pick up a newly reformed and unbroken Bennett. 

City Region. . .

Beavis strolls down the street with his halbeard.  Butthead has his Sith lanvarok extended.  Buttchunk, Wally Trollman, Norville the Dragon, Josh Houslander: Samurai Warrior, Vampire Al Dogg, Simon Phoenix with a M202A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher, Ass Blaster #1 and Starship Trooper #7 join the motley brigade.  Daniel LaRusso flies out of the sky like an elegant crane, using his green lantern ring and whips around, slicing Starship Trooper #7 in half with his lightsaber.  Care Becks, Shrek-it Ralph, along with Wonder Boy and Young Nasty Man join the fray.  Care Becks waddles down the road and sees Ass Blaster #1, along with a diminished Samurai Warrior.  Houslander unsheathes his kitana blade and Ass Blaster #1 prepares for battle.  Care Becks responds by unsheathing his c@ck. 

Care Becks:  Circed motherf@cker!!!  I’m going to ram it up you’re a$$ blaster a$$ and then make the samurai lick it clean!!!

Care Becks spins in a wizened fury and wraps his legs around Houslander before the warrior can use his samurai skills.  Houslander falls to the ground, turning blue.

Care Becks:  Smell my sweaty, hairy balls a$$hole!!!

Houslander’s neck snaps and he crumples to the ground.  Care Becks then grips Houslander’s kitana blade and rips Ass Blaster #1 a new one.  Ass Blaster #1 falls to the pavement, dead.

Care Becks:  Who’s next you f@cks!?!?!

Vampire Al Dogg jumps on Care Becks and attempts to sink his teeth into the bear’s neck.   He fails as Care Becks skillfully flips the undead over his shoulder.  Butthead unleashes his Sith lanvarok at the bear and instead hits Buttchunck.  Buttchunck dies at the hand of his fellow combatant.   Care Becks turns around and sees Wally Trollman.  Before Trollman can use his magic stick, Care Becks sodomizes the Wallykazam character with his own stick and unleashes its magic. Trollman’s innards explode.   Norville the Dragon flies towards Care Becks in a fit of vengeance and is met by Wonder Boy and Nasty Man, who beats the little dragon to death with their guitars.   Simon Phoenix pulls the trigger on his rocket launcher and both Wonder Boy and Nasty Man are killed in the blast.  Shrek-it-Ralph creeps up behind Phoenix and breaks his neck.  Beavis and Butthead then use their weaponry against Ralph, killing the beast.  LaRusso uses both his lightsaber and ring against the MTV icons and kills both Beavis and Butthead.  Only Vampire Al Dogg remains from the Slaves.

Care Becks:  Back to where you belong, Al Dogg.

LaRusso uses his green lantern ring to shovel a trench.  The green projectile then turns into a giant hedge clipper, which cuts off Vampire Al Dogg’s head.  The undead’s body explodes into a cloud of dust and the ashes fall into the newly-dug ground.  Care Becks walks to the edge of the grave, starts urinating and spits.

Shemalya. . .

She looks upon the red blade as it is ignited.  Once owning a green tipped lightsaber, she marvels at the newly tailored light source of the weapon.  She smiles at the beauty and delicacy of the weapon.  She will strike down her enemies.  She will strike down her master and reign supreme. . .

Plains Region. . .

The Umbara Force adept, Sly Moore, holds out her hand and strikes Eren Jaeger in his human form.  It is only a matter of moments before Jaeger transforms into his titan form and rushes at Moore with a submission lock.  Moore falls down and Jaeger crushes her head.  As he looks up, Coleman Kcjaj and Ki Adi Mundi strike together, killing Jaeger. Battle Pope fires his chaingun at Shindor of Brontic, who easily deflects the projectiles with his lightsaber. The Dark Jedi then slices Battle Pope in half. The Hydra unleashes its ferocity upon Avengelyne and Witchblade.  Unfortunately for the duo, each time they manage to slice a head off, another two rise from the stump.  Eventually the women decide to avoid the beast and instead, focus on the number of Slaves’ Jedi, being Mundi, Kcaj and Platis.   The two mange to kill Ki Adi Mundi, Coleman Kcaj, and Yendar Platis, but fall to the superior strength of Shindor of Brontic, Kol Skywalker and the Hydra. 

Forest Region. . .

Wolverine and Vao join the Musketeers - Athos, Porthos, Aremis and D'Artagian.  The Slaves locate various prey -Donkey Kong, Red Lantern Jeff Houslander, Uncle Sam, Stargirl and S.T.R.I.P.E. They realize that there may be others though.

Wolverine:  I like the odds on this one gentlemen.

Donkey Kong senses the enemy and immediately climbs a tree.  At the top of the scrub, the ape begins to throw immense woody projectiles down at his enemy.  A large branch strikes Athos and the blow causes him to die.   Red Lantern Jeff Houslander belches rage plasma from his gullet and burns Porthos, who is unable to use his green lightsaber to defend himself.  Aremis and D’Artagian use their fencing abilities with their green lightsabers to defeat Uncle Sam. The two remaining swordsmen are then killed by Stargirl and S.T.R.I.P.E.

Houslander:  Four for four Frenchies dead, bi#Ches!!!

Before Houslander can relish further victories, he is struck down by use of the One Ring by Saruman.  Houslander begins to shake off the effects of the spell casting and is struck down by both Boromir with Anduril and Ajax Major with a devil lance.   Donkey Kong screeches at the top of the tree, realizing his time is now limited.  Proof is in the pudding as the Slaves cut the tree down and Donkey Kong falls to his death.   

Shemalya. . .

Shemalya:  You are weak, old man.  Your strength ebbs and wanes, while mine increases tenfold.  What chance do you have against the true Sith Lord?  What chance do you have against Shemalya?

The clashing of lightsabers echoes across the snowy plains of Carlac.  Shemalya gains the upper hand and strikes the cloaked figure down.  She looks down at her former master and smiles.

City Region-Final Battle. . .

The combatants are transported to the City Region for the final battle. 

The Decisions’ squad consists of Ulik, Serpent, Shao Khan/Skadi: Herald of the Serpent, Beast Wars Megatron/Nul: Breaker of Worlds, Nightsister Sith Witch #1/Nerkkod: Breaker of Oceans, Blanka/Mokk: Breaker of Faith, Strong Guy, Sylar, Peter Petrelli, Claire Bennet, Stargirl and S.T.R.I.P.E., Captain Universe, Daniel LaRusso and Care Becks.

The Slaves’ remaining fighters are Amazo, Fernus, Loki, Wolverine, Shindor of Brontic, Kol Skywalker, Shado Vao, Sarumon, Boromir, Santa Claus with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Ajax Major and the Hydra.  

The Fear Itself Squad focuses on the Hydra. Ulik, Serpent, Shao Khan/Skadi: Herald of the Serpent, Beast Wars Megatron/Nul: Breaker of Worlds, Nightsister Sith Witch #1/Nerkkod: Breaker of Oceans, Blanka/Mokk: Breaker of Faith combine their forces to defeat the Hydra by not only cutting off the heads, but burning the neck stubs before they can grown back additional maws.  Amazo and Fernus use the Hydra distraction to, one by one, strike and kill its members while busy fighting the Hydra.  They are assisted in this intensive endeavor by Wolverine, Shindor of Brontic and Sarumon.  Care Becks is skewered by Rudolph’s antlers and the bear flies away with the sleigh, looking as Ahab was with his white whale.  LaRusso takes revenge for his brethren’s death and uses Miyogi’s teachings to strike down Claus, Dancer and Vixen.  LaRusso is then sent to the FFL Graveyard one last time by Kol Skywalker’s superior skills and familiarity with a lightsaber and ring.  Stargirl and S.T.R.I.P.E. kill Ajax Major, who is unable to use his devil lance against the duo before his demise.  Boromir is killed by Strong Guy, who although underutilized, also manages to kill Prancer too before dying at the hands of Loki.   Sylar and Peter Petrelli are killed by Wolverine and Vao.  Bennett, Stargirl and S.T.R.I.P.E. are killed by Shindor and Skywalker, helped by Sarumon.   Knowing that his team has lost this match, Captain Universe overloads his Uni-Power.  Although the Uni-Power attempts to leave its host before causing catastrophic destruction; it is too late.  Captain Universe perishes, but takes with him Amazo, Shindor of Brontic, Vao, Sarumon and Rudolph. 

Slave’s Locker room. . .

A solitary, black-cloaked figure slowly treads from the locker room.

Wolverine:  You missed the fireworks.  Where the hell were you?!?

Shemalya does not answer, she simply grins, turns around and leads the survivors back to the locker room.

 
 

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Extended Week 5

Hello fellow Eff Eff Ellers, we Watchers have decided that due to a few Big Week Collaborations that are in the works as well as some other time constraints that we are going to stretch The Week 5 Match-ups a little longer. The matches will all be posted by this coming up Thursday; and then your Week 6 Teams will begin after Easter and we will resume our normal schedule. I hope this does not upset anybody in the league too much, as we aim to take our time and provide a fun and better product for what can be considered the most important week of the season. I hope you all enjoy the matches and find this short delay to be well worth it.


Thanks,


-Josh

Friday, April 11, 2014

The Play-Off Planet: List of Characters

This is not a part of the story; but simply a brief list of some of the new characters being introduced.

Bill Duer: A revolutionary philosopher and author of "Manifeste De Liberte". He is embraced by the radical wing of The Federalist Party and heavily rejected by the larger Populist Party. He is believed to be dead after an explosion in his home several months ago.

Patrick Samuel: Political star and de-facto leader of The Populist Party. He is a pragmatic and well-liked figure who is being discussed by many in the media as being the next Governor of The Play-Off Planet. He believes that The Federalists and the followers of Bill Duer are the worst kind of radicals who are destroying the very fabric of society in The Play-Off Planet.

Governor Morris: Head of The Play-Off Planet government and the first ever Federalist to be elected to the high office of Governor. He is considered a moderate middle of the road Federalist; but perhaps his ideology leans a bit more to the radical Bill Duer faction of the party than much of the public believes.

The Waiver Wire Characters: The true leaders of The Play-Off Planet. They watch over and control the planet while the Watchers are not watching. They act as a police force for the watchers and work in concert with The Play-Off Planet's government.

The Play-Off Planet: A Modern History.

**NOTE** For this week especially, it will make much more sense if you read the posts from me in the order in which they are posted.





8 Weeks ago. On the floor of Parliament…..

“Revolution is upon us Mr. Governor. Whether you would have it or not!! This conflict of ideologies here in the capitol is nothing compared to the conflict we will face across this planet. Battle tears our fair planet apart on a regular basis under no choice of our own; but now you will choose to sit idly by as our own people tear us apart!! Our differences politically not withstanding, I personally have no idea why the people of this planet elected a stubborn, philosophical miscreant such as yourself to govern this place Mr. Morris; but it did. And in the name of democracy I will support you if you decide to lead us in this crisis; but if you will not then I am forced under rule of law to begin the impeachment proceedings immediately. If nothing else, we must begin our preparations for The Week 5 battles which will take place here!! We have no counter-measures set and we will have our own people, along with the league matches here destroying our planet in unison!! My party, the citizenry, and I ask for counter-measures and all we get from our leader is counter-production!! By the time you and your party get around to doing something about the rebellion, we are going to be in the heat of The FFL Play-offs, and as you all know the damage we sustain from that every year, plus what may by then be a full out rebellion on the streets is simply an event that this good planet cannot possibly sustain. Says Minister Patrick Samuel.


Governor Morris responds: “I cannot deny Mr. Samuel, that some of what you and your Populist party are saying has merit. I am simply torn because we know not what drives these rebels from attacking what they attack. There are other forces at work here. These rebels are met by sanctions from us, when perhaps we should embrace their cause and make their revolution not a rebellion against this government; but instead a planet wide rebellion against the forces that hold our supposed “free” planet under the boot of meaningless war for two extended periods every Old earth year. Perhaps it is time to embrace some of these ideas for the good of us all, and not battle amongst ourselves with words or weapons. Just because Bill Duer is dead, does not mean his ideas must die with him….


These statements, especially the last sentence uttered by The Play-Off Planet’s Governor are met with jeers and screams for impeachment.


Once the crowd settles down Patrick Samuel speaks once more: “So, I see Governor. You would have us ignore the rebels attacking us and instead declare war on the gods…… That is an idea I can simply not endorse.

The Play-Off Planet: A very brief history.

The Play-Off Planet over the years has established a long history of pragmatic rule for approximately 44 weeks of every Old earth year. The majority of the time, when they are not being plagued by epic battles spanning the entire expanse of their globe they have a fairly normal existence. They rarely let themselves be troubled by too much ideology or political philosophy as they have very little desire to “upset the applecart” when it comes to the uncontrollable war that overtakes them from time to time.

The terrors of war, have been accepted by these people from day 1. In fact the yearly tragedy that they are put through provides an environment where population control, despite being a relatively small planet has never been an issue, nor has lack of resources for the quickly developing areas. Not to mention that constantly being in a state of rebuilding has provided for a strong economy, where jobs are prevalent and where economic growth is constantly stimulated by a need for restructuring the cities. This also makes for a strong infrastructure that must be able to withstand much abuse, but is also never in danger of getting old or worn out when powerhouses from other worlds show up twice a year to destroy it.

The truth is, that they are a resilient people if not an overly bright group; but in recent years the tide has changed for a small; but growing segment of the population. It is they who have been wondering what life would be like free of the cosmic terrors that plague them.

The following stories will scratch the surface as to what these ideas will bring for their future and the future of The Play-Off Planet as a whole.

The Play-Off Planet: A Brief Pre-History.

800 years ago…. Before the creation of the league, before the mystical transfiguration of the other watchers, and before the creation of the place we know as The Play-Off Planet….


“Well Joshatu, if we are to have such epic matches where all settings are taken into account; then where will these take place? In all my travels across the universe I have yet to see a place where all of these exist so perfectly in a small enough area to conduct a battle instead of a drawn out war”. Says Ryatu the Incredulous.

“We shall create one Ryatu”. Says Joshatu in response.

Joshatu continues: “We shall create and control a small planet, one which will have a thin enough atmosphere for back and forth space battle, and which will have every other kind of setting we need in close enough proximity to everything so as to create a battleground where in an acceptable amount of time combatants may move back and forth through the course of the skirmish. Then we will have a place to truly test the skills of the two forces at odds.

Ryatu retorts: “Hmm, I see. And what shall we populate this world with? I don’t see how said planet can remain anything but a wasteland set up for a play battle if we do not have some driving force attempting to keep it a functioning spot in the universe. Besides, are we benevolent enough to not populate this world just for the sheer purpose that the lives of the populous could be quite a dire predicament”?

“HA; No, we are not so benevolent. And you are correct. Some form of life must populate this area”. Says Joahatu.

The light then goes on in the cosmic brain of Ryatu as he lays out the plan: “We could populate the planet with a humanoid creature. Much like the primitive form of what you and I once were. We can make them genetically pre-dispositioned to a submissive lifestyle; so we will avoid any problems with them as the centuries go on”.

Joshatu nods in agreement and says: “Yes, this could work. We can then have this Play-Off Planet double as a de-facto warehouse for all our previously discussed waiver wire characters who do not have a team supporting them. We could spin this as “Heroes without a Home” if we see fit. Then, with these leftover combatants working as our occupying force when the planet is not in use, along with your genetic manipulation procedures we will render the possibility of revolution to levels that can only be described as…….. What is the word mortals use??...... Impossible”.

Pre-Pre-Match Warning.

Hi all, this is Josh. Not Josh the Commish, Joshatu or The Neon Master Pogo, just Josh. I am just throwing out a warning that I am going to do something a little different with my three matches this week, and I hope you guys don’t hate it. None of what I am doing is unprecedented in this league; but it is unprecedented on this scale. What I am going to do is more story based than what I normally write and it has a great deal of league wide story combining as well. I have no idea if it will turn out decent or not, so I am just going to have some fun with it all. I hope you guys enjoy it; but if you don’t, let me know and I will take it in to consideration in the future. I am not trying to change the face of the league forever or anything, I’m just simply having fun with some stuff.

-Josh

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Spoiler Sport Week 4

Hello everyone, Cotton McKnight here. Welcome to Spoiler Sport. Here on The Ocho! Week 4's Outer Rim gave some space to the winning teams, while the others had to look into the soul-crushing void of losing.

We start in the Lee Conference, where the Kitties versus Tentacle Warriors match had an insightful look into Dr. Impossible's first start. He shared his perspectives on being benched, as well as the tribulations of an ownership change. Taking out Primus is quite the task, and taking out 33 of your teammates at the same time would seem Impossible... but not for the good Doctor! The Kitties have broken Mitchy's streak, but we here at Spoiler Sport have a good feeling about the Warriors in Week 5!

In the Turrible Decisions/TEAM battle, a "stream of conciousness" lead to Leader-1 doing the Go-Bots proud, but he is ultimately destroyed along with TEAM's hope. The Decisions are on the way back up, while TEAM seems to have garnered a few vocal critics!

The Fighting Murderflies murder Team Sleeping Pussy, with Ego The Living Planet leading the way! We ask for a moment of silence for Year One Draftee Ewok #40. Rest in peace lil buddy. .......

It seems Vampire Hal Jordan's temporary power upgrade is the only good to come from the thus far disasterous draft pick, The Nut-Busters' ship Event Horizon. Even the enhanced vampire was not enough to stop The Highness from getting their first win on their home turf, Mogo.

The slumpbusters continue over in The Lucas Conference, as The Grindhouse stops The Slave's Samurai Josh's world domination/ stock market manipulation scheme, en route to securing their first victory for the season! Who knew Yellow Lantern's meticulous coupon cutting and forgotten spare change would come in handy? YL Becks knew. That's who.

Speaking of Beckerman, B-3 defeats The Empire, thanks to Obivion, General Zod, and the old "No air in space" clause. B-3 marches on, and a reeling Empire looks to right the ship.

The Midget's/ Rabblerousers match was the place to be to see various Lantern Corps facing off, cosmic entities duking it out, and finally, Transformers getting scrapped! The specialized Midgets took down The Rabblerousers in all sectors of space!

Finally, a truly epic battle occurred between The Horsemen and The Comanndos!!! A mere recap cannot do justice to this masterful tale! Luckily, this is the kind of thing FFL On Demand was made for! Order your subsciption now!

Meanwhile, Pepper Brooks is always on demand for a report on Graveyard Points! Pepper!

Muhmuh muh muhmuh muhmuh muhmuhmuh muh muhmuh muhmuh muhmuhmuhmuh muhmuh muhmuh muhmuh muh. Muh muh muh muhmuhmuhm muhmuh muh muhm muhmuh! Muhmuh muhmuh muh muhmuh muhmuhmuh. Muh muhmuh!!!

Thanks Pep! I learn something new from you everyday! In Week 5, The FFL returns to the dreaded Playoff Planet, where new rivalries are made, and old wounds are reopened. Some teams will execute amazing plays, but unfortunately, there are also those that get offed in this intense week! Stay tuned to The Ocho, as we come to you LIVE from Belgium for the Bossaball Invitational! For The Ocho, I'm Cotton McKnight. Thank you, and goodnight.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

B3 vs Mitchy's

The Tentacles sit around their HQ, trying to figure out what to get to eat. They look at the FFL menu and see something called a "Krisatu special".

"Wonder what that is?" wonders Starlord.

A Krisatu spe... OH S**T!" screams Ambush Bug, but it is too late.

The Tentacles HQ blows up killing everyone inside.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Standings Updated

The standings have been updated through 4 weeks of play.  Conference matches are over between divisions and here is how the first 4 weeks played out.

Steven Spielberg Division beat Arthur C. Clarke Division 10-6
J.R.R. Tolkien Division beat the Frank Herbert Division 9-7

To see the full standings, click here or use the link on the right.

Remember we have a two week break for the Big Point week so no need to send in a team this coming Tuesday.  Week 6 squads not due until Tuesday 4/15.  Next two matches are Inter-conference.  Last 3 matchups of the year are against your division.
Horsemen of Apokolips are: Darkseid w/ Palantir, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Annihilus, and Stitch w/Green Lightsaber



President Barack Obama & Miley Cyrus' Touring Battalion of Commandos are:  Earth 2 Superman, Thanos, Hermione Granger w/ Blue Infinity Gem and 2 L.M.D.s
Hermoine, Thanos and LMD Crusader arrive on the Horsemen homeship known as the Ark, Crisader hidden under the cloak of invisibility to not arouse the suspicion of the Commandos. 
"Earth 2 Superman should arrive momentarily. At that moment wait for the signal and join us on the bridge." Thanos and Hermoine begin to confidently stride toward the bridge. They happen upon Annihilus who Hermoine quickly turns into a cricket and crushes him beneath her heel.
They arrive as Darkseid sits calmly in his chair. 
"Darkseid. So good to see you. Your moment of reckoning is at hand."
"Thanos. I see you still foolishly pining for death. I shall ensure you feel her embrace shortly." Thanos begins to rise, when Hermoine raises her wand and aims it at the God of all evil. 
"Abra ka-"  she begins, when Earth-2 Superman flies in  and fries her with heatvision.
"BITCH! NONE SHALL HARM DARKSEID! ALL HAIL ANTI-LIFE!" He turns his murderous gaze to Thanos. "Now you shall learn...the...s...e..c.." he begins to slow down as Thanos aims the orange gem at him and slows him to a crawl.  As this transpires, Wonder Woman enters the room and immediatley leaps into action and takes out the Earth-2 Superman. This lands her in the middle of the two cosmic powerhouses She wipes the blood from her sword and says "Now, I shall finish you off demon. All hail..." and she turns to point her sword at Darksied 

"THE COMMANDOS!"  

"Predictable." growls Darkseid as he blasts her in the chest. She falls to the floor and a voice screams out

"DIANA!!" yells Batman as he sees the female third of the trinity hit the floor, completely missing all that occured before hand. Batman reaches into his utility belt, and withdraws a gun and shoots his teammate dead in the chest as Thanos begins to laugh. Batman whirls to face Thanos, just as Superman and Stitch arrive.
"Badman! Badman!" screeches Stitch as he leaps forward and is swatted out of the air by Thanos. While he's distracted, Batman grabs a batarang and plunges it into the heart of Thanos.
"We did it Clark, we did..."
Superman backhands the Dark Knight as hard as he can as Thanos begins to laugh. 
"Get up" growls the Man of Steel "I know that barely made a dent in you"
Batman arises. Half of his face gone, revealing the circuitry of a LMD beneath it.

Superman turns to address Thanos.

"You overplayed your hand, Thanos. I knew Batman would never so carelessly gun down anyone, let alone a teammate. Horsemen never betray. And as for Wonder Woman? You think we don't talk outside of battle? We changed the plan on you pal. As we speak she's"
"pzzzzt....Yes...Kryptonian..LMD designate crusader has a few upgrades. Allow me to...001111...show you" He reaches into his utility belt and removes the orange infinity gem and purple gem that Barack Obama gave him before heading off to handle the White Lantern Supremacist Sinestro. 
"Designate wished to have a kryptonite heart." it screeches as it opens it's chest and lethally doses Superman with it's deadly fuel source. Designate Crusader was too late to obtain the blue gem and green gem. But after dispatching you, designate shall obtain the orange time gem and return Thanos to health. Ensuring our victory. And as for...designate Wonder Woman..." the LMD lifits the purple gems and blinks out of sight for a second, then returns with the lifeless corpse of Wonder Woman." He throws it at Superman man, sapping the last bit of strength for the already weakend man.  "Farwell, Kal-El." and he summonds all the power of the red gem to put his fist through Superman's head. 
"Hurry..my time draws near.... wheezes Thanos. The LMD heads over and raises the gem. As he prepares to save Thanos' pitiful life and claim a victory for the Commandos, a *whimmmm* is heard.


"What is..." asks the LMD  as Thanos screams "NO!" with his last breath.

"pant. pant. Bad. MAN" growls Stitch as he stands over the decoy caped crusader. Revealing that he wasn't fooled for a second by the Commandos deception.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Horsemen vs Commandos

Horsemen of Apokolips are: Darkseid w/ Palantir, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, White Lantern Sinestro, Annihilus, Optimus Prime w/Roller, Godzilla, Green Lantern Ryan Poteracki, Bruno Sammartino, Stitch w/Green Lightsaber, The Celestial: Ace Frehley, and Darth Vader Sith Starfighter Transformer





President Barack Obama & Miley Cyrus' Touring Battalion of Commandos are: Kingdom Come Superman, Earth 2 Superman, Martian Manhunter, Vampire Orion, The Atom, Thanos, Aleta One "Aletamus Prime", Hermione Granger w/ Blue Infinity Gem, President Barack Obama w/ Purple Infinity Gem,  Benny, Isa & Tico, Black Lantern Doozer #1, Doozer #13, and 3 L.M.D.s
 
Ace Frehley floats in space, waiting. He's taps into his Celstial awareness to keep tabs on the battle he is a part of. 
 
He sees White Lantern Sinestro pop Black Lantern Doozer like a pimple and make the comment "The only good black is a dead one." This causes the entire squadron of Commandos to besiege him.  Sinestro swats them off easily with the various hues of lantern power, ending the FFL careers of Benny, Isa and Tico as he proclaims "Speak American here in America. Not your Mexican talk". Doozer 13 is squashed and told he was "Back in the dirt where he belongs". The Atom flies at Sinestro in his smaller form, attempting to deliver his signature, tiny knockout punch, but Sinstro catches him. He puts Ryan Choi in his mouth and bites down, killing the Atom. Sinestro cackles "I don't know why I ate him. I'm always hungry an hour later after eating Chinese, or Japanese, or whatever he was"
 
"Buddy. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to send you to one one my death panels" says Barack Obama as he marches in, rolling up his sleeves. 

"You'll never take my guns, you commie!" Sinestro screams as he conjures up a giant cannon and blasts him right in the chest. 

"ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME!!!" screams the triumphant Sinestro

"And I have, you racist piece of garbage" growls vampire Orion. Fueled by the nuclear blood of the monster Godzilla, whom he just dispatched, Orion overcomes the light of Sinestro's ring and murders him. His vampire hearing pick the the sound of a ring hitting the floor as Brandon Inge arrives of the scene and the two face off.

"Hey, f**kface. Let's do this. Mano e mano"  Inge cracks his knuckls and puts up his dukes.

"Fool. You dare to challenge a GOD? I don't need the powers of a vampire. I shall beat you to death slowly. And painfully." He delivers powerful haymaker to the stomach of Inge, knocking the air out of him and breaking a rib. Orion laughs as he raises Inge by the throat watching as  he struggles for breath. As his gasps for air, Inge reaches behind his back, and grabs his trust baseball bat, filed into a spike. He drives the stake into Orion's heart,  and gasps for air as he is released when Orion explodes. He starts to look for his ring when he sees a familiar face.

"Oh! Hey there..." but Inge is unable to finish his sentance when the LMD designate Crusader punches through his skull. Fueled by the power of the red gem.  Crusader grabs Inge's green ring, adding it to the already impressive collection of weaponry and infinity gems it's amassed.

Frehley is snapped out of his trance when he sees what's transpired

"I gotta warn the other Horsemen." Ace attempts to alert the others when Gene Simmons appears in from of him, holding a green ring. He thrusts it into his chest.

"This is the ring of our owner." Gene snarls, spitting demonfire. "Weren't you supposed to have his back?"

"But Gene...I was...I saw.. you see" stammers Ace, when his communicator begins to crackle, but Ace can't hear it over the Demonic voice of Gene Simmons

"Save it. You're outta the band. You're no longer the Celestial. Give me your harness and powers"

"But..Gene..this is.... are you even.."

"NOW!" 

Ace's bottom lip begins to tremble as he unclasps his gear. He begins to focus he powers into the tradional make up he wears, when Gene's head explodes and Paul Stanley flies in. 

"PAUL??" asks Ace

"Yeah, Ace. You almost gave up your power to a robot. Maybe he had the right idea." says Paul Stanley.

"But Paul...I gotta tell you.." stammers Ace as his radio continues to crackle

Paul backhands Ace across the face and grabs him by the throat.

"Do you know what's happened? Not only is Poteracki dead, but so is Optimus. He took down the prime pretender Alleta, when the Matrix left her and returned to him, but Kingdom Come Superman put him down. I don't know what happened to Vader, but we're in dire straights while you're out here doing jacks**t with your gifts. The Starchild saved you once already. Let me do what I do best and show why KISS is the hottest band in the world!" 

"Yeah Paul. Ok." says Ace meekly as he gives the power of the Space Ace to Paul Stanley and reverts back to Paul Frehley. Paul begins to choke on the lack of oxygen, as he no longer can survive in space. He hits the emergency button in his comm and it activates an emergency oxygen supply and a homing beacon.
 
"Idiot." says the Celestial Star Child as he turns his attention to the Death Star.
 He grabs the massive space station as Frehley finally hears what his comm was saying
 
"I have taken command of the Death Star and have it aimed at the RAMA and Thanos. I await your command to fire, Ace" says the voice of Darth Vader
 
Ace's eyes widen in horror as the Death Star is crushed before his eyes. The fiery blast causes "Paul" to lose his focus and he reverts back to the form of the Martian Manhunter, but he still retains the power of the Celestial. A bit of wreckage hits Ace right in the chest, literally finishing the heartbreak that his incompetence started. 
 
The Manhunter's victory is short lived, as he feels a tap on his shoulder.
 
Superman stands in front of him and snaps his neck before J'Onn can think.
 
"I've had enough of you bastard Commandos and your trickery. Let's finish this." and he heads off to the Ark for the final confrontation.

Horsemen vs Commandos

The roar of Godzilla rumbles through RAMA, followed by a series of explosions. President Obama  addresses the LMDs standing in front of him.

"LMD Bandmate  is on route as we speak. The red gem is where it's supposed to be, correct?"

"Affirmative. LMD designate amazon has acquired the power gem and dispatched the Horsemen spy. Designate crusader is equipped and awaiting dispatch. Brainwave program  for amazon is 89% complete with 34 seconds left to completion"

"Very good. Here's the orange gem. I took it from Linely before she started defiling herself with that filthy Horsemen who kept convulsing. Let's get to the Ark."

"Affirmative. Amazon is ready"

The two teleport to the ark. They arrive right infront of Bugs Bunny. Who's eyes pop out of his head in a wild take.

"Nyeeeh. What's up Barack?" he says as he pulls a giant mallet.  LMD Amazon grabs the cartoon rabbit and slams him into the ground, in a move that would normally break someone's next. But since Bugs is a cartoon, all he sees are stars.

Obama aims the orange gem and says "Let's see what happens when you're a real life, American rabbit" and transforms Bugs into a regular bunny. LMD Amazon crushes the cute, fluffy version of Bugs beneath her bootheel.

"Very nice. Again, on behalf of the Commandos, I'd like to thank you for your service. If my intel is correct, your target should be in the next room. Dispatch her quietly and ready yourself for the finale." He salutes the LMD.

LMD: Alpha remains motionless. As President Obama teleports back to RAMA to prepare the third LMD. Amazon takes off, ready to kill and replace Wonder Woman.