Saturday, February 21, 2015

Season 8: Week 1: The Empire -vs- Beckerman's Backyardigans Beeyaatches


The Following is an excerpt from Ken Burns’ documentary, “When It Was A Game 5"


Narrator (Peter Coyote)

The game thrived through the better part of the 21st century, introducing new pace of play mandates such as the pitch clock, the batters clock and even the game clock. No game after the introduction of the game clock ever lasted longer then two hours and fifteen minutes. Die Hard fans of the game considered these changes a death blow to the purity of the sport. Yet despite all of these claims, the game continued on, eventually taking back it’s rightful crown as the past time of the American people.

Despite all of the so-called improvements to the game, there were still naturally a couple blemishes on baseballs imperfect score sheet. The first that every fan remembers is the much derided “Long-stop” experiment that only lasted for one season and was quickly dissolved as the next season began. The idea that there would be a gap to fill in-between the first baseman and the second baseman flew in the face of logic, something that baseball did not always use as a gauge when it came to making the game, quote un quote, better.

The second blemish on its record towards the end of the 21st century would not even involve active players in the league, in fact, most of the participants were not of this world at all.

The FBC or the Fantasy Baseball Classic still goes down as the biggest disaster since the infamous 1994 players strike that ended with the cancellation of the World Series. The FBC introduced an entire gallery of unheard of creatures that decided they could compete with each other in a supposedly serious game of baseball. Most games are remembered for the incessant fighting and poor play, making Major League Baseball look more foolish as every game was played.

Despite the dismal ratings and attendance, the public outcry for unbalanced teams and human rights violations that persisted throughout the entire series, the biggest highlight was perhaps the game between The Empire and B3. The squad that was put up by B3 was a typical menagerie of nobody’s and criminals, a common complaint among many of the teams in the FBC. It was obvious from the get-go that the Terminator who was the starting pitcher for B3 had never thrown a baseball in his entire life, evidenced by the 11 earned runs allowed before a single out was recorded in the first inning.

Bob Costas: The Fantasy Baseball Classic lays claim to one of the biggest blunders in the history of the sports. Why Major League Baseball, who had been number one now for over thirty years, thought it a good idea to do something like this made absolutely no sense at all.

Al Michaels: Next to making the All Star Game count towards the home field advantage in the World Series, I can’t think of a single event in the history of baseball that caused such a mess for the league.

Joe Buck: The FBC was a disaster for the league. Every game came with it’s unique set of issues. The most damning issue being the truly heinous way the players were allowed to treat each other. It was as if China was in charge of the league for two weeks.

Brian Williams: I remember the Fantasy Baseball Classic quite well actually. People really seemed to enjoy the off-world creatures involved in it. I know I enjoyed each and every game for what it was, the most inventive and innovative idea in the history of sports.

Joe Buck: Honestly, if it wasn’t for Zach Greinke’s perfect game I don’t think Major League Baseball could have survived the travesty that was occurring day in and day out.


Narrator

The backlash was violent against Major League Baseball and for seven straight days the people in the media, government and even other athletes were calling for the commissioner’s head. The United Nation’s even established a committee to talk about the human rights violations that were taking place every single game. Then on the eighth day of play, a savior came to the rescue.

Al Michaels: I have seen a lot of sporting events in my life that I would consider a miracle, but what Zach Greinke was able to do that day on the mound, was nothing short of divine intervention.

Bob Costas: (Pauses) It still boggles the mind to imagine Zach, in the middle of a media firestorm, being able to do what he did.

Joe Buck: 27 straight strike outs, 81 straight strikes. Not a single ball touched a bat that day for him. Unbelievable. (Pauses) It will be forever known as the Golden Greinke.

Bob Costas: Major League Baseball owes everything to him, still to this day. That performance will forever go down as the greatest this sport has ever seen...and will ever see. Just perfection.

Narrator



That perfection ended in a 46-0 victory for The Empire, still a major league record for a sanctioned game. Though the Fantasy Baseball Classic was still viewed as a disaster, it, for one night, might just have been the most magical thing that has ever occurred on the diamond.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions are:

-John Zacharski: Starting Pitcher
-Dark Jedi Master #11A: Catcher
-Dark Jedi Master #12A: 1st Base
-Dark Jedi Master #35: 2nd Base
-Dark Jedi Master #36: Shortstop
-Golden Army #34 "The Inge-Bot": 3rd Base
-Dark Jedi Master #37: Right Field
-Dark Jedi Master #38: Center Field
-Dark Jedi Master #39: Left Field
-Bill Walsh: Manager
-Dark Jedi Master #25A: Middle Relief Pitcher
-Dark Jedi Master #26A: Closing Pitcher
-Dark Jedi Master #27A: Utility Outfielder
-Dark Jedi Master #28A: Utility Infielder
-Dark Jedi Master #29A: Pinch Hitter



Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

-Kingpin: Catcher/Manager
-Hawkman: Right Field
-Hawkgirl: Left Field
-Jack Reacher: Designated Hitter
-Energizer Bunny: Starting Pitcher
-Black Lantern He-Man: 1st Base
-The Wu Tang Clan!!
-Rakwon: 2nd Base
-RZA: Closing Pitcher
-GZA: Relief Pitcher
-Inspectah Deck: 3rd Base
-Method Man: Shortstop
-U-God: Pinch Hitter
-Cappadonna: Pinch Hitter
-Ghost Face Killah: Center Field
-Mastah Killah: Utility Infield
-Ghost Face Killah :Utility Outfield


Welcome people to today's latest feature the mass slaughter of someone's team is infinitely happening today. We have the CBTD's vs the MF'S of Brock Samson ( somebody call Samson) no line up call today so you can all feel fagknuckled! Ha ha I love this shit! CBTDs has home field today so they'll start the field now these boys been waiting to meet these MFs. First up is kingpin. Is he a pimp or what. He's eyeing john zacharski. John winks and kisses at him, throws the ball. Ooh he took his fucking head off. Well I guess he was aiming at his intelligence but he wasn't smart enough to get outta the way. Hawk girl fills in on first as the runner. Next up is jack reacher. As short as he is I'm surprised he can reach anything. Swing and a miss. Oh he's pissed now. Strike two on jack. Jack said fuck it and left the building. What the hell was that. Damn dude never seen some shit like that before. Here comes the energizer bunny. He's been under investigation for using drugs and juicing. Which is probably why he seems so jacked all the time. Oh he took john deep going going going damn he just got a mouth full of aids by DJM#37 thought that was gone but it was taken away to bad. The bunny is now hemoraging . To much juicing now he's being carted off the field. Hold on hawk man got skipped in the line up. Where the hell is he. This just in. Hawk man shit down by hunter on the way to the game. He'll be out for the season. CBTDs turn to bat. John zacharski is up to bat. Some say he is the master giver of giving aids. Swing, and it's gone he wrote aids all over that ball. 1-0 is the score. DJM#11A is up. Ground into left safe on first. DJM#12A pop fly to center. Ghost face kill ah up to catch oh to bad one out. DJM#36 hits a double to the right . DJM#37 sacrifices scores two. Two outs now. Golden army #34 Inge bot sent that one flying score is now 4-0 CBTDS winning. DJM#38 sends a line drive to third damn right through the chest of the gza. I guess that was a heart stopping hit for a single. The doc says that was a career ending injury. DJM#39 pops one out to short stop. The MF'S are batting again. Though their team is looking a little slim. Black lantern he-man comes up. Strike one thrown by john. Strike two by john. He-man gets pissed. Strike three as he runs back to the dug out he slips trips and lands on Raekwon's dick. Now Raekwon is out with a dick contusion. It's the rza. What the hell is he doing. He's taking the rest if the wu-tang clan and leaving the field. They said we aint no ball players we rappers we going back to New York. CBTDs has no one left to play. The MFs dugout is empty. Well I guess that's it. Those MF'S just wasn't enough for the aids giving, ass drilling, fagknuckling CBTDs. Sounds like a big STD giving orgy given to these MF'S



Wednesday, February 18, 2015

First Ever Consortium Match

TEAM Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

TEAM was Indigo Lantern #2 (utility), Yellow Lantern #3-4 (relief pitchers), Heishiro Mitsurugi (catcher), Fred Baker (w/ Orb of Light) (batboy), Mr. Miyagi (w/ Shining Force Katana) (Player/Manager), Blood Eagle (1st), Jedi Master #32A, 16B, 38B-40B, and #8 (left, 2nd, short, 3rd, right), Jedi Councilman #2 (starting pitcher), Nova Corps Nathan Storey (pinch hitter), and Failed Jedi Bran (mascot).

Team Sleeping Pussy was Bullseye (w/ a red lightsaber) (starting pitcher), Ash (w/ mandalorian armor) (catcher), War Skrull #35 (1st), Wildcat (2nd), Blink (short), Bill the Butcher (w/ a blue lightsaber) (3rd), Jubilee (right), Hanover Fiste (center), Toro (left), Sam Malone (middle relief), Captain Boomerang (closer), Blockbuster (DH), Captain Guts (utility infield), Western Ghost Rider (utility outfield), and Quicksilver (pinch hitter).


In an unanimous vote of 6 to 0:

TEAM SLEEPING PUSSY IS VICTORIOUS!!

The entire TEAM squad was executed quickly by the merciful Watchers after their losing performance.

Bill the Butcher was killed during the course of the game after starting a fight with the two yellow lanterns.

Bullseys, Ash, War Skrull #35, Wildcat, Blink, Jubilee, Hanover Fiste, Toro, Sam Malone (w/ an MVP Performance), Captain Boomerang, Blockbuster, Captain Guts, Western Ghost Rider, and Quicksilver all survived to celebrate their victory where everybody knew their names.

Monday, February 16, 2015

One Last Thing

Everyone should have received an email from Ryan with the new team submission sheet for each week. Also there was the attachment for the weekly death list for all watchers to fill out.

For everyone's convenience, I have added these as downloads right here on the homepage!

Over on the right, you will see the friendly "Downloads" section.  The weekly submission sheet and Watcher Death list form are both there now. So no excuse for losing the email!

Using the submission sheet will help the watchers assure your players are played with the appropriate attributes and receive the proper love if they are "9 deathers".

Using the Death Sheet is mandatory after writing your match. This will keep the rosters accurate each week.

If you have any questions, just write them down on a piece of toilet paper and wipe your ass with it.

Good Luck!
Fizz