Saturday, June 21, 2014

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter III

The entire Artrip family wades through the swampy pool of the marshlands located between the water and forest regions of the Playoff Planet.   Like most parents, albeit undead at this time, both Vampires Chris and Julie trudge on both sides of their children, attempting to shield both Ella and Jack from the enemy. 

Jack waddles through the murk, green lightsaber in hand, cooing as he slashes through the overhanging foliage.  Ella walks a bit more authoritative as she has Supergirl’s cape around her neck.  She also holds a blue lightsaber and uses it with more dexterity than her younger brother.
 
Black Lantern Aunt May flies to the scene.  Her mouth slowly opens and she croaks.

BL Aunt May:  Aaaw . . .  aren’t you two the cutest things!  I can’t wait to taste your little hearts.

Both Chris and Julie Artrip storm to the front of their children.  Both Ella and Jack peek around the legs of their parents to stare at the desiccated corpse of Peter Parker’s aunt. 

Chris Artrip:  Gotta get through me first you old bag!

Julie Artrip:  Goes for me too, b#tch!

BL Aunt May smiles: Don’t think I have to. . . . b#tch.

Two zings are heard as wooden-staked projectiles rip through the chests of both Chris and Julie Artrip.  The two look down in dismay.  Before the parents are able to warn their children to run, they burst into flame and ash.

BL Aunt May looks up into the trees behind her.  She smiles as Deadshot salutes his teammate.

Deadshot:  All yours, May.

BL Aunt May’s corpse grins as she approaches the children.  It is only a brief moment before all Artrips are no more.

BL Aunt May flies up to Deadshot.

BL Aunt May: Let's take you to your ride now, dear.  Thanks for the assistance.

Deadshot:  Anytime.  Appreciate it, May.

Season 7 Consolation Round 3: team vs Mitchy's Luminous Tentacle Warriors

team is Billy Mitchell, Steve Sanders, Steve Wiebe and Wonder Boy w/ atlas.

Mitchy's Luminous Tentacle Warriors is Vengeance. 

The rank odor of scorched flesh fills the pie level of Donkey Kong. Vengeance looks around at the domination he has put on display today. The bodies of the three arcade gamers smolder on the ground. Their skeletons blackened by the might of the Spirit of Vengeance. Wonder Boy's carcas hangs from Vengeance's chain, his own Atlas Axe buried in his chest. 

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Season 7: All Star Ballot

As always, vote for up to 15 characters from each league, and submit them back to me however you see fit. Unless you are submitting your vote via laserdisc or C.E.D., then submit them to Nick and he will let me know who you voted for. I went with the old League Names for this particular exercise; but I’m not trying to make any big statement or anything I just thought that they kind of work better for this match. So don’t get your panties in a bunch if you prefer the new ones. Call them whatever you want, after all; this is Uh-Merr-uh-ka DAMMIT.

The All Star Game Match itself will be watched by FIZZatu the Great and Powerful and will be posted when he friggin feels like it. As always, and much to my dismay the deaths do NOT count in this match. So don’t get all scurred about your precious dudes fighting when it doesn’t count.

Please only vote once, but remember that you don’t have to be in the league to vote, it is open to everybody. And you do not have to limit yourself to voting for the suggestions on this ballot, you may write in any character you wish. Please have these ballots turned in to me by Friday June 27th.

Here is the ballot

THE NATIONAL LEAGUE

The Horsemen of Apokolips
-Stitch
-Batman
-Wonder Woman
-Army Ranger #1
-Superman
-


The Empire
-Chris Seney: Luchador Assassin
-Vladimir Putin
-Silver Surfer
-Red She Hulk
-Black Lantern Scarlet Witch
-

Commandos
-Earth 2 Superman
-Barack Obama
-Dora the Explorer
-Boots
-Xavier Harkonen
-
George Washington’s Slaves
-WallyKazam
-Darth Shemalya
-Kryptonian Soldier #1 (Zor-Ek)
-Santa Claus
-Loki
-

The Grindhouse
-Chris Redfield
-David Koresh
-Golden Army Soldier #1
-Golden Army Soldier #2
-Golden Army Soldier #3
-

The Backyardigans
-Oblivion
-Darth Vader
-Real Man
-Thane
-Aquaman
-General Zod
-

The Midgets
-Magneto
-Deadpool
-Franklin Richards
-Black Lantern Blip
-Emperor Joker
-

The Real Men
-Agent Coulson
-Darth Maul
-Vehicle Voltron
-The Burger King
-Aqualad
-





THE AMERICAN LEAGUE

Team
-Red Son Superman
-Captain America
-Killer Rabbit of Caerbanog
-Ragnarok
-Thorion the Celestial
-

Nut-busters
-Doomsday
-(Age of Apocalypse) Nightcrawler
-Gambit
-Dexter Morgan
-Pepper Potts
-

The Luminous Tentacle Warriors
-Tigger
-Dr. Impossible
-Poseidon
-The State Farm Agent
-Roman Reigns
-

The Turrible Decisions
-Phoenix Force Namor
-Beast Boy
-Pre-Suit Darth Vader
-Care Becks
-Kister
-

The Super Kitties
-Supergirl
-White Lantern Yoda
-Red Hulk
-Monarch
-Peeta Mellark (w/ Jarnborn)
-

Team Sleeping Pussy
-The Sea Captain
-Navy Sailor #30
-Dr. Manhattan
-Korvac
-Alexander Luthor
-

Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies
-Odin
-Ego
-Rancor #2
-Sandworm #2
-Dorf
-

The Royal Highness
-Mogo
-Vampire Jean Grey
-Yoda
-Ronan the Accuser
-Good Luck Bear
-

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter II


The locker room mood for the Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets is somber.  The focus on the faces of the combatants is readily apparent and the tension is almost palpable such that one would need a lightsaber to cut through.   Unlike the Horsemen, the Midgets’ attitude toward this match is more fixated upon how to defeat, piece by piece, a monstrosity of a team as fronted by the enemy. 

Deadpool, Deadshot, Darth Talon, Boba Fett and Aayla Secura stand by their respective vehicles, inspecting each for any issues that will hamper their effectiveness in the match.  The Phoenix Force Entity, Emperor Joker, Mr. Mxyztplk, Eradicator, Zombie Supergirl, He-Man and Black Lantern Omega Supreme discuss strategic strikes to be placed upon the more troublesome Horsemen characters.  Hermes, Beppo, Ganthet, Star Sapphire #2, Mangy Mouse and Magneto inspect the areas which their teammates will fight for any flaws in the terrain.  Black Lantern Aunt May, Blue/Green Lantern Hal Jordan, The Wicket Witch of the East, Black Lantern Ryan Poteracki, Adam Warlock and Megalon converse regarding certain combatants.  Finally, Age of Apocalypse Weapon X, X--23, Vampire X-23 and Baby Wolverine discuss other relevant issues. 

Magneto:  All.  ALL!

The conversations throughout the locker room cease as Magneto’s call to attention is followed by silence. 

Magneto: We must honor the memory of those lost in battle before us who gave their lives to allow us to reach this point.  So say we all.

Emperor Joker:  So say we ALL!

Ganthet:  So say WE ALL!

Adam Warlock: So SAY WE ALL!

Black Lantern Ryan Poteracki: SO SAY WE ALL!

The entire Midgets’ team chants in unison: SO SAY WE ALL!  SO SAY WE ALL!

Magneto:  So say we all. . .

 

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter I

The locker room of the Horsemen of Apokolips is littered with proven champions.  The mood is light since they truly believe what their owner espoused: they will beat the Midgets handily and without issue.  Laughter is heard in certain areas evidencing the overly confident attitude of the combatants. 

The inhabitants are an eclectic and admirable collage of strength.  Darkseid holds Palantir, Damien Thornn stands by his Rottweiler.  At another end of the room, a circle is formed by Superman, Batman and his elderly doppelganger’s canine, Wonder Woman  and Joker.  White Lantern Sinestro, Scar, Oneg the Prober, Annihilus and Black Bolt talk amongst themselves.  Havok, Exodus, Hope Summers and Vulcan are joined by Obi Wan Kenobi, Freddy Krueger, John McClane, Achilles, Horatio Caine and Harry Potter.  Meanwhile, at another end of the room stand Transformer Darth Vader, Optimus Prime, Roller and Godzilla.  Brandon Inge, Dr. Teresa Oblak, Dexter the Dog, Vampires Chris and Julie Artrip, Ella and Jack Artrip, along with Stitch and Bugs Bunny and Fry Guy #1 discuss the anticipated victory.

 The Artrips look around and notice that three of their teammates are not with them.

Julie Artrip: Where are Friend Bear, Wish Bear and Bedtime Bear?

Chris Artrip:  They wanted to prove the old adage.

Julie Artip: And that is?

Chris Artrip: They all snuck out to sh#t in the woods together.  Feels almost like a circle jerk of feces.

Julie Artrip:  They are revolting creatures aren’t they.

Chris Atrip:  You don’t know the half of it.   

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

George Lucas Conference Final: Horsemen of Apokolips vs. Sisterhood of Traveling Midgets: Prologue

My name is Harry Potter.  I have faced evil incarnate in the form of Voldemort and only barely survived.  What chance do I have against an enemy such as this?  I look to the sky and see the Phoenix Force Entity.  It is unlike the bird which graced the chambers of Dumbledore.  No.  This bird shines as bright as the twin suns of Tatooine as related to me in stories by Obi Wan Kenobi.  I shake my head in anger.  What chance do I have?  What chance do any of us have against the remaining Midget team?  My anger bubbles to the surface and I admonish my owner for his hubris.  The sheer audacity and pomposity is disgraceful.  The Phoenix Force Entity turns and flies toward me.  I simply close my eyes in anticipation of what is next. . . death. 

George Washington's Slaves Vs. The Royal Highness

George Washington Slaves are The Boys: Billy Butcher w/ Terror, Mother’s Milk, The Frenchmen, The Female (of the species), and Wee Hughie.

The Royal Highness is Ninja Gaiden, Hank Chien (w/ a Sith Lanvarouk), Roger Rabbit, and Doozer #3.


“So this is the pie level? I’ve never been here before”. Says Roger Rabbit in an extra silly way.

“That’s right Rodge. Many a Donkey Kong player never make it this far. This is what separates the men from the boys. Once these conveyors start moving, there’s no telling what kind of zany DK Madness might come next”. Says DK Champion Hank Chien.

“By separate the men from the Boys, I assume you mean running away from us. Which is something I recommend to anybody that does not want to meet a grisly death”. Says Billy Butcher the team leader.


SIDEBAR:

You see, for those of you who are unfamiliar with The Boys, they are from an indie comic book, which basically means that everything they do has to be hyper-violent and that everything usually needs to end with somebody getting brutalized, raped, or eaten or something. They take ideas for characters that the “evil” and “boring” old Marvel and D.C. have perfected by doing all of the leg work over the years and then they just make them really nasty and pretend like it is all super original, because it is …. “edgy”. But with that being said, The Boys are a pretty rad group, who can really eff some stuff up. I mean, I wouldn’t want to hang out with them.


BACK TO THE MATCH:

As the conveyor starts moving, things start to get REAL, real quick. Hank Chien is in his glory as he begins hopping around over pies, excited to be in his favorite game for real. Ninja Gaiden is being all stealthy and ninja-ie and is hiding somewhere in the shadows, while Roger Rabbit and Doozer #3 are waiting for me to think of something for them to be doing.

Billy and the rest of The Boys realized that if they killed The Royal Highness first than the match might end and then they might have to go back to The Slaves locker room for another 2 years, hang out with their much hated super-heroes and worst of all, not kill anybody. So they decide to make their way up to the top first so they can eviscerate and brutally murder Donkey Kong and Pauline before they really get down to business. They cover themselves with blood (all except Wee Hughie who does not enjoy unnecessary violence) and then make their way down to do battle with The Highness.

Hank leaps over another pie and fires a saw blade thingie from his Sith Lanvarouk, but The Frenchmen ducks out of the way. Mother’s Milk then finds Roger Rabbit hiding behind one of the girders and proves that even though he has a good heart he’s a totally bad-a** dude, even though he doesn’t need to prove it, because we already knew that, cuz he’s the only guy on the team who is black, so he must be WAY Harsh. Mother’s Milk then grabs Roger Rabbit and Rips his ears off before breaking his neck. He then throws the dead body over to the rest of The Boys in case they want to do something nasty with it, but they actually decline (or maybe I’m just declining to write about it (I mean, this is a consolation match and I’m already on page 2, I should probably start wrapping this piece of crap up)). But before The Boys can celebrate too much, Ninja Gaiden leaps out of nowhere and rides the conveyor into the fray, causing the boys to scatter. The hiply-modern-day-revived 8-bit character uses his katana blade to slash through the chest of Mother’s Milk and then to remove the head of The Female, who was too busy masturbating for some unknown reason (prolly all this carnage got her excited). The Frenchmen then launches a bomb at Hank Chien, but The Donkey Kong master takes full advantage of his DK skills and rides the conveyor to safety while popping Ol’ Frenchie in the face with his Sith Lanvarouk. Hughie then gets totally pissed and catches ol’ Hank with a bullet to the brain to kill screen Dr. Chien out of this one. Ninja Gaiden quickly avenges his BFF Hank (they’ve been chilling together a lot lately) by sending a few throwing stars into Hughie’s young, innocent face. Terror the dog then gets stuck on the conveyor and gets hit by a pie before he can rape anything like he has been so well-trained to do. But this sends Billy into a rage. He tackles Ninja Gaiden, taking all of the ninja’s finesse out of the battle and the two combatants start beating each other senseless. But unfortunately they lose track of where they are and they both roll onto the top conveyor and into the barrel of burning oil where they both die. Doozer #3, then finally finishes the endeavor that he has been working on since the beginning of the match, which was to build up his little clear doozer sticks in a pile high enough so he could reach the hammer on the second level. The doozer grabs the hammer and is all: “YOU WANT ME TO PUT THE HAMMER DOWN”!! Thor style. But nobody hears him, because dead people can’t hear…

Consolation Round 2: The Royal Highness vs. The Commandos

The Royal Highness is: Booker DeWitt and Elizabeth Comstock

The Commandos are: Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, Zhara Jolie-Pitt, Pax Jolie-Pitt, Knox Jolie-Pitt, Vivian Jolie-Pitt, Jen Lindley w/Star Sapphire Ring, Miley Cyrus w/Barack Obama's Blue Lightsabers, and Robin Thicke w/Barack Obama's Green Lightsabers.

At the bottom of Donkey Kong's elevator level, Booker DeWitt and Elizabeth Comstock arrived through a tear in the fabric of the multiverse. "Where the hell are we now?" DeWitt wondered. Elizabeth pulled out the Handlink to ask Ziggy about their latest leap. "Apparently this is some kind of world where ape-rape is a serious problem. All kinds, too, ape-on-woman, battery-mascot-on-chimp..." Booker threw his hands up. "Never mind, I don't want to know more. What kind of screwed up people come up with this stuff?" Miley Cyrus and Robin "Beetlejuice" Thicke approached from behind, accompanied by the Jolie-Pitt family (A.K.A. Clan Brangelina) and Jen Lindley. "I want to know more," Miley insisted, "that sounds super edgy and hot, just like me, right? ...Anybody? NOTICE ME!" Angelina Jolie joined the conversation "As a very important activist, I've spoken out against sexual violence in war. But that was in regards to humans, and giant cartoon apes are an endangered species. We need to protect his precious industrial breeding ground." Booker and Elizabeth shared a concerned glance. "You don't see a problem with this situation? None at all?" She pointed above them. "There's a tremendous monkey holding a woman prisoner up there. You're not about to do something about that?" Robin Thicke swaggered up to Elizabeth "Sounds fine to me, baby, that chick probably wants it. She's just an animal, it's in her nature. How about you, what're you up to later? I always wanted a good girl." Elizabeth wasn't impressed by his lyrical pick-up lines. In fact, she was fairly horrified by his blatant chauvinism and pulled open a tear she spotted behind him. From Donkey Kong Country, Rambi the Rhino came charging through the portal and knocked the Commandos from the girder like bowling pins. Jen Lindley flew up with her Star Sapphire ring and was greeted by a blast to the face from Booker's Mauser C96. Next through the portal was Winky the Frog, who they used to hop across the elevators. Upon reaching DK, Booker unleashed Alfred Hitchcock's nightmare with his Murder of Crows vigor and the ape was pecked to death as they rescued Pauline and beat the level.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Consolation Round 3

Setting: The Pie Level from Donkey Kong
Prize: 5 Resurrection Points and a Double Dash Mario Kart
Points: 24

Match-ups:

-Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions Vs. TBD (The loser of The Horsemen of Apokolips Vs. The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets). (FIZZ)
-The Empire Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy (Dave)
-Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse Vs. President Barack Obama and Miley Cyrus' "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos (NuFagTu)
-The Royal Highness Vs. George Washington's Slaves (Josh)
-The Luminous Tentacle Warriors Vs. team. (Ryan)
-Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies Vs. Real Man's Rabble Rousers (Becks).

DEADLINES:

Please have these squads turned into your respective Watcher by Thursday June 19th at 8:00 pm. The matches should be posted by Saturday June 28th, which is also the 100th year anniversary of World War 1!!

The King of Consolation

Points: 27
Prize: 16 Resurrection Points and Admiral Ackbar's 2 Seater B-Wing
Setting: The trap door level from Donkey Kong

Match-up:

Griswold's Nut-busters Vs. Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches

Watcher: Seney

Layanderlet's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family Vs. Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions

Layanderlet’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family are Primus, Yoda’s Spirit (w/ The White Lantern Ring), Supergirl, The Black Racer, Monarch, Larfleeze, Red Lantern Guy Gardner, Mr. Majestic, The Juggernaut, Aunt May w/ Baby Bucky in a Go-Cart, Vitar, Superman Emergency Squad #3, Krypto the Super Dog, Vampire Nick Houslander w/ Ewok #56, and Peeta Mellark (w/Jarnborn) w/ a Yoshi Egg in a Fire truck, Aslan the Lion (w/ a green lantern ring), Vampire Assaj Ventress in a Fairchild VZ-5, Red Hulk, (Kingdom Come) Wonder Woman, (Kingdom Come) Power Woman, (Kingdom Come) Robotman in Grumman X-29, (Kingdom Come) Red Arrow in a Nighthawk Stealth Fighter, (Kingdom Come) Red Robin on an Oscorp Glider, Master Stass Allie in a Rockwell X-30, Zombie Sonic the Hedgehog, Nightbird, Hot Spot, Man-Bat, Flashpoint (Thomas Wayne) Batman in a Ferrari 360 Modena, and Hoist.

Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions are (Kingdom Come) Batman in an Imperial Shuttle, (Kingdom Come) Darkstar, (Kingdom Come) Steel, (Kingdom Come) Nightstar, (Kingdom Come) Blue Beetle, (Phoenix Force) Cyclops, (Phoenix Force) Emma Frost, (Phoenix Force) Colossus, U.S. Agent, X-Man (Nate Grey) (w/ an Atlas Axe), Kaine, Zombie Cable, The Spectre, Cyborg Superman, (Kingdom Come) Jade/Green Lantern (Merged w/) Ion, Red Lantern Jeff Houslander (merged with) The Butcher, Animal Man, Bizarro Supergirl, (Pre-Suit) Darth Vader (w/ Vader’s red lightsaber), Mara Jade: Jedi, Jacen Solo, Kister w/ a Yoshi Egg, Super Cyborg Charles Barkley, Super Cyborg Michael Jordan, Shrek it Ralph (w/ a green lantern ring), Care Becks in a Rhino 4x 4, Aku, The Dark Woman, Witchblade, and a NASA X-43 Unmanned Craft.


Primus has transformed into his robot form, and before the match even began, a Mars sized asteroid dared to move within the path of the great Cybertronian god. Unfortunately for about 14,000 Populists and Federalists alike down on The Play-Off Planet, Primus was perhaps a bit overzealous and wiped out the entire city area. Luckily for both The Kitties and The Turrible Decisions neither of the teams suffered any casualties from this massive body movement. The majority of both of the teams are in space, keeping their distance from Primus, while the rest of The Barkley crew are in the desert region, quite a distance from The Kitties who are planning their approach from within the jungle.

The “Bat Plan” has been analyzed carefully and painstakingly by every member of The Turrible Decisions, and it involves a three part plan to take out Primus. And by three part, this is not meaning that the plan has three steps, it means that there are three separate plans laid out, all with the sole purpose of taking out Primus on their own. But one can never be too careful when battling a planet-sized robot that all of the sudden discovered a Trillion years worth of unused gumption. The Grizzled old Batman “casually” flies his Imperial Shuttle in between the legs of Primus looking for an entry point, with The Sith formerly known as Anakin Skywalker in the co-pilot chair next to him. In the seats behind them, are a freshly hatched blue Yoshi behind Vader and in the seat behind Batman only the edge of it is being used by Kister. They are plan number one. The Phoenix Five… err… Phoenix Three are in the back cargo area of the same ship, by the airlock. There they await the order from Batman to jettison out for a full-frontal assault on the Transformer; this is plan two. Plan three involves nothing more than a great hope that The Spectre can work his magic, or whatever it is he has on Primus and simply wipe him out of existence no matter what it costs the The Turrible Decisions in the lives of their teammates.

The Phoenix Three receive their orders from Batman, as they speedily exit the cargo shaft of The Imperial Shuttle and take flight towards the metal monstrosity that is their enemy. The three combatants converge on Primus and quickly provide an answer to the question on the minds of many. For those that were wondering whether or not The Phoenix Force could do damage to Primus they find out that it most certainly can, as Primus releases wails of pain and anger that shake every molecule within the nearby solar systems. But before Primus can retaliate from the blasts of carnal cosmic energy being projected by the three mutant hosts; The Phoenix Three soon learn that Primus was by no means Layanderlet’s first line of defense as several space bound Super Kitties fly around from the other side of Primus to engage them. The Phoenix Three must quickly divert their attention from Primus as they are immediately put on the defensive from the attacks of Yoda, The Black Racer, Aslan, Guy Gardner, and Larfleeze. This high-powered cosmic fury heats up quickly as Phoenix Force Cyclops unleashes a cosmic fire loaded optic blast that obliterates Larfleeze as if he were a powerless rodent. Guy Gardner provides some green and red cover fire, while The Black Racer rushes in at twice the speed of light to avenge Agent Orange and uses his Cosmic Staff to hit the original X-Men leader with his patented Touch of Death. But The New God finds out seconds later that his speed was not quite enough to play keep away from the raw Phoenix-enforced-strength of Colossus who breaks apart his cosmic skis with a mid-space stomp and then crushes him with a massive bear hug. But Aslan the Lion bursts into the scene in all of his emerald glory directly after this transpires to dissipate on a molecular level, the cosmic brute like only a green-lantern-powered-anamorphic-Jesus-Allegory can. But Aslan dies for the sins of his teammates when Emma Frost absorbs the Phoenix Power of her fallen comrades and adds it to her own. She speaks to her opponents Yoda and says: “My telepathy is enhanced further than ever before, and I have seen the potential outcomes worked out exponentially. The power of your white ring cannot possibly defeat the power of The Phoenix Force.

Yoda retorts: “My white ring powerful enough may not be. But strong enough the force is”.

Yoda then combines his force power with his white lantern ring (with a little back up from the raged out will power machine next to him known as Guy Gardner) and breaks through the Phoenix aura to shove his white energy lightsaber construct into the chest of Emma Frost.


Back on The Play-Off Planet…


Once the teams begin to wander the partially destroyed planet for one another, small skirmishes begin to take place all over the planet.

In the open desert…

Monarch squares off against X-Man, and despite Monarch’s amazing abilities is defeated once it becomes impossible for him, Monarch to mount an attack that Nate does not see coming. X-Man is then able to mentally project Monarch into his own path of destruction causing the D.C. Villain to destroy himself with an immense burst of cosmic energy.

Red Robin leads an aerial assault from his Oscorp Glider, with his fellow former Teen Titans Red Arrow and Robotman not far behind in their own conventional aircraft against Darkstar, Nightstar, and Blue Beetle. The skirmish begins with Red Arrow attempting to end it quickly by firing a nuke from his stealth; but Nightstar makes the Iron Man-style sacrifice play by grabbing a hold of the bomb and flying it in to the ocean. She truly does make it a sacrifice though by blowing up along with it. Blue Beetle fires a magnetized bolt at the Stealth, which causes both that plane and Robotman’s Grumman X-29 to collide causing the two to eject out of the planes and into the battle. Robotman delivers a killing blow to Darkstar as he lands from his destroyed plane, while Red Robin ignores the fact that that was his daughter (kind of like I did) who just sacrificed herself with the nuke and pumpkin bombs the heck out of Blue Beetle as the Beetle is using his Silver Age B.B. Gun to shoot Red Arrow in the eye. Red Robin and Robotman’s victory is short-lived though as Cyborg Superman rushes in and crushes both of them together into a liquid metal ball of goo.

Cyborg Superman is then double-teamed by Mr. Majestic and The Juggernaut; but despite the duos strength is still not enough to take out the Kryptonian. Juggernaut manages to do some major damage to Hank’s circuitry with a massive punch to the chest while the cyborg is breaking Mr. Majestic’s neck, but when Juggernaut does his second run by, Cyborg Superman dodges out of his way and takes to the air. He then hits Juggernaut with a massive burst of heat vision to fry him in place.

Hoist dodges out of the way of the attacks from the Unmanned NASA X-43 ship, but is then able to take out the prototype by rolling back into an attack position and taking out the ship with his lasers.

Nightbird attempts a few extra large ninja kicks to defend herself, but the non-transforming Transformer’s targets are two small to hit as KC Jade and Red Lantern Jeff blast her with their respective energy sources and destroy her spark, or engine, or whatever it is she has.


Back in space…


Both beings prepare themselves as The Spectre approaches Primus for a cosmic conversation/showdown. The Spectre informs Primus that he has been judged and that he has been selected for destruction. But as The Spectre is susceptible to the powers of the God on his own planet, he finds that his powers are of no use. Primus informs him using a language on a plane of existence that can only be understood by the two of them (and me of course, your all-powerful friendly neighborhood Watcher) that the enforcer of The God of mere insects is no match for a fully-awakened god of Cybertronians. Primus then grabs a hold of The Spectre’s human host body and crushes it into oblivion.


Back on The Play-Off Planet, in the forest region…


Vitar, and the only other remaining member of The Superman Emergency Squad meet up with Batman’s buddy Steel and Zombie Cable and then make fairly short work of them. The two Kryptonians crush Steel within his own body armor and then power through the random telekinetic zombie murmurings of Cable and hit him with a double-dose of heat vision.

Bizarro Supergirl would be a good match for Supergirl, despite her diminished intelligence; but Supergirl is able to take out her bizarro world self pretty quickly with some help from her cousin’s dog Krypto. Krypto latches on to Bizarro’s leg, while Supergirl delivers a couple dozen closed-fisted attacks to her pale faced counterpart.

The Kryptonian Forest love continues, as Supergirl’s alternate universe, older, earth 2 self Power Woman tests the limits of Kaine’s enhanced spider strength by catching the clone in mid-air and then pile-driving him back into the wooded ground.

Animal Man leaps out of a tree and ceases being only a man and takes on the powers of a bat to take out Man-Bat in a manly, yet insanely batty kind of way.

Care Becks is at the wheel, with Shrek-it-Ralph riding shotgun, and the two NBA Super Cyborgs in the back seat, when they meet up with Thomas Wayne riding through the forest in his Ferrari (WHAT?!!? He’s Batman) with Aunt May following behind in her Go-Cart (okay, fine… I’m not even sure how she’s doing that). The Rhino busts a quick turn around a few trees and runs over the Go-Cart, killing the old lady and helpless baby like only a care bear version of Beckerman can do; but is then met by the face of the much meaner version of Batman on the hood of their Rhino after he ejects out of his Ferrari 360 Modena. Care Becks tries to shake him off by driving the Rhino like a total lunatic, but they are eventually able to take him out when The two super cyborgs reach out with their extendable rebound arms to hold him in place while Shrek-it-Ralph Sha-Wrecks him with a blast from his green lantern ring.

US Agent is attempting to hold his own, in a melee battle with Wonder Woman; but in the end it is not his hand to hand skills that fail him but his inferior strength. Wonder Woman is able to just barely dodge his thrown shield attack, when she takes advantage of the defenseless former fill-in Cap by delivering a neck crunching elbow from above.

Mara Jade, once embraced her anger as power in the service of the Emperor, before she turned to the good side to become a Jedi; but not quite like her opponent Red Hulk. The gamma infused “Thunderbolt” knocks aside Mara Jade’s lightsaber and then brings down a heavy fist onto the head of Mara to crush her into a tree trunk.

Jacen Solo has a little more luck than the last E.U., Luke-trained Jedi as he is confronted by Hot Spot. The trees around them ignite as Hot-Spot revs up his powers, but Jacen is able to use the force to deflect the heat back towards Hot Spot and to then leap in with his lightsaber drawn to remove the fiery head of The Teen Titan.


In the torn apart city….


Vampire Nick Houslander is taking this opportunity, along with his BFF Peeta and their brotha from anotha Species Motha Ewok #56 to take part in some real humanitarian efforts and put their fire truck to good use. There are many in need of help in the area damaged by their massive teammate Primus, and they figure while they can’t seem to find any enemies at the moment that they should probably do something. They do kind of ignore their other teammate Zombie Sonic, who they figure they probably can’t catch anyway. Dude is pretty much just running around in a circle, stopping every once in a while to eat some brains and such. That is until Aku formulates out of thin air and sends the zombie into a sonic spinball that sends his head in one direction and his body in another. Vampire Nick is then all like: “Crap dudes!! Homeboy got some wicked skills”. But then his homie Peeta’s like: “True Dat!! But I got Thor’s axe Brah!!”! Ewok #56 then cheers wildly as Peeta puts some Hunger Games Smack down on Aku and uses his mystical Asgardian Axe of Old to split Aku in Ah-Two.

The Dark Woman sees (and feels) Stass Allie as she flies overhead in her Rockwell X-30 and then uses the force to crash the plane into a nearby building. But Master Allie is able to leap out with her lightsaber ignited and engage the former apprentice of Lord Bane in a pitched lightsaber battle. The Jedi Council Member parries the first dozen or so hits from The Dark Woman; but eventually being on the defensive gets to her and The Dark Woman’s thousand plus years of experience wins her the battle as she spin kicks Stass in the chest and then swings her saber to relieve The Jedi Master of her head.

Witchblade fires upwards with her mystical grappling hook and attaches it to the side of Vampire Ventress’ Fairchild VZ-5. Witchblade then swings herself onto the hull of the plane and then uses some energy blasts to take out the motor before growing some wings and escaping the crash. Vampire Ventress leaps out of the craft as well, and uses her force skills and vampire durability to land safely. She ignites her blue and green lightsabers and rushes Witchblade who instantly grows some armor (but not so much that she can’t still move swiftly for the melee battle). Witchblade has a pair of swords appear in her hands and the two Gothy; but kinda hot chicks begin battling in close quarters. Ventress uses her rage to force push Witchblade over but before the vampire can deliver the killing blow, Witchblade is able to pop back up and get behind the dark, dark Jedi and remove her opponent’s head.


Back in space….


Batman, casually docks his Imperial Shuttle on Primus, as the last remaining passengers Anakin and the Yoshi riding Kister quickly sneak inside the body of the massive Transformer. They safely get away from the ship, just as it is noticed by Primus and swatted away like a fly, crushing the ship and killing the aged Batman. The young Vader, lets the force guide him as Kister follows behind, while they journey towards the massive spark of Primus. They approach the power source; but soon find that there are several countermeasures within the Autobot god. Several dozen rolling robots begin rushing towards The Barkley Boys, much like Cybertronian Anti-bodies to defend their internal workings. Vader yells to his childhood friend (who is still a child): “Hey, Kister!! It looks like you aren’t going to be useless after all. Give me some cover”!! Vader then begins focusing all the force power he has achieved in both his Jedi and Sith training, while Kister rides his Yoshi, who begins eating the rolling bots faster than they can move into play. I don’t need to tell you how “Wizard” Kister thought it was, but I will anyway: “This really is…… SOOOOOOO WIZARD Annie” screams Kister, as he actually helps out. Kister and The Yoshi manage to finish off the rolling bots as they notice that things around them are beginning to change drastically and creek wildly. Kister approaches Vader who stops straining for a second to say: “Well Kister, I hate to break this to you, but the ability to destroy a planet may be insignificant for the powers of the force; but that isn’t going to help us stay alive out in space with no ship in a few minutes”. Vader then unleashes a fury of Sith Lightning into the spark of Primus to add insult to injury which causes Primus to once again let a metallic wail that sends senior citizens in the next galaxy into cardiac arrest. Vader, notices an extremely frightened look on the face of his old buddy Kister; but draws a smile from the kid as he says right before the implosion: “Well buddy, it’s been Wizard knowing ya”.


BA-BOOOOOOOOOM.

As Primus is destroyed, all remaining members on both squads become very aware of what has happened. This causes everybody involved to converge in the damaged city for what they know will be one final showdown…..

Thirteen to twelve is the final count, as Yoda, Supergirl, Vitar, SES #3, Krypto, Guy Gardner, Red Hulk, Vampire Nick, Peeta and Yoshi, Ewok #56, Wonder Woman, Power Woman and Hoist for The Kitties square off against X-Man, Cyborg Supes, Jade, Red Lantern Jeff, Animal Man, Jacen Solo, Care Becks, Shrek-it-Ralph, The 2 Super Cyborgs, The Dark Woman, and Witchblade…

Cyborg Superman, though damaged from his battle with Juggernaut draws first blood as he rockets through the center of Hoist, destroying his spark with ease.

Power Woman then burns through both the lightsaber and the body of Jacen Solo with a widened blast of Heat Vision.

Animal Man draws the short end of the straw, and somehow ends up battling three super-powered beings at once, as he takes on the power of a lion followed by the strength of a great white shark’s jaw to take out Krypto once and for all, before Vitar and SES #3 pound him into the already damage concrete ground.

X-Man exhausts all of his omega level power into a mind blast on Yoda, but it is still not enough to take out the once dead, white lantern powered Jedi Master. X-Man is nothing but a shell, for Yoda to run through once the battle of the minds is complete.

It takes nearly all of the power supply of both of his rings for Guy Gardner to defeat the Ion-powered Jade; which sends Red Lantern Jeff into a rage that even Red Hulk has never seen against any of his opponents. Red Lantern Jeff avenges his partner by spewing a massive amount of red energy vomit onto the depleted Guy Gardner; but Jeff (and The Butcher entity) are then taken out by a massive Red Hulk Stomp.

It is no wonder that darkness overcame the women as the Dark Woman appears behind Wonder Woman and darkens her wonder with a lightsaber to the back of the neck.

Witchblade grows more armor around her/his body than has ever been grown in the past as Supergirl approaches, but in the end it is still not enough to protect her from the building shattering blows that Supergirl puts down on her. Supergirl then finishes Witchblade off with an unneeded blast of heat vision just for good measure.

Care Becks then insanely crashes his Rhino into the side of Vampire Nick’s fire truck totaling both of the vehicles, but all the combatants jump out still ready to fight. Peeta sends Jarnborn through the skull of Shrek-it-Ralph before he can use his green lantern ring, but Super Cyborg Barkley uses his arm-mounted laser to blast the Yoshi out from under The Hunger Games Co-winner. Super Cyborg Jordan then uses his power jump Nike shoes to kick the head off of Ewok #56. This sends Nick and Peeta into a rage after seeing their little furry friend killed. Peeta removes the Super Cyborg head of Barkley with his Asgardian Axe, while Vampire Nick uses his enhanced strength to rip off Jordan’s cyborg head as well. Care Becks then tries to do some stuff that I won’t mention in a match that my kids are reading to Peeta and Nick; but Vampire Nick unleashes his true form and rips into the neck of Care Becks with his teeth.

The Dark Woman manages to focus all of her good side dark force energy to separate the white ring from Yoda, just momentarily to dissipate the spirit from this match, while Cyborg Superman finds himself surrounded by enemy Kryptonians. Cyborg Superman rushes in against The Super Kitties and rips the head off of Power Woman before anybody else can stop him. He then sends a massive cyborg Kryptonian boot through the face of Superman Emergency Squad Member #3, before Vitar and Supergirl combine their strength to pin down Hank and rip his cybernetic parts off of his body before finishing him off all together. Supergirl and Vitar then turn their attention towards The Dark Woman; but before they can attack they see Peeta and Vampire Nick holding hands and screaming: “We’re going to The Universe Bowl”!!; while Red Hulk is busy stepping off of the now dead Dark Woman…..

Sunday, June 15, 2014

BRYATU PLAYOFF MATCH WILL BE LATE

All:
Due to various issues, please be advised that the Playoff Match between the Horsemen and Midgets will be late.  I will not give myself a firm deadline though and for that I am extremely sorry.  For all those who are currently waiting for results, I apologize due to the fact that the endeavor to write a worthy match for these opponents is taking more time than anticipated.  Thank you for your patience.

-Bryatu