The final consolation round will be for a blue lightsaber. It will be 6 points and set in Beckerman's backyard during the annual FFL BBQ.
The match ups will be:
Team Sleeping Pussy vs The Tijuana Taco Benders
Logical Genocide vs The Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Beckeman's Backyardigan Beeyatches vs "Pop Superstar" Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos
TEAM vs The Right Wing
George Washington's Slaves vs Xavier's Annihilation Squad
Le' Napoleon Brigade vs Better Than All Of You
Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family vs The Abomitrons
Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyes vs Alice's Wonder Team
The Untouchables vs Oblivio
Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies vs Built Ford Tough
The Syracuse Valley vs The Transfoamers
Roster sheets will be due by noon on Sunday. Thank you and good luck to all.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The Abomitrons Vs. Built Ford Tough
The Abomitrons are Ewok #51 and Paddle (An Immell Clone of Paul Coffey and Yaddle).
Built Ford Tough is Sala and Marcus Brody.
The battle begins on the stairway of Hogwarts, which immedietely begins to move in different directions, confusing all four of the combatants. Ewok #51 realizes that he didn't bring any arrows with him, so he throws down a hella dehydration turd in the palm of his head and then bowcasts that Mamma Jamma into Marcus Brody's eye. Sala is furious at the untimely and embarrassing death of his life long friend and grabs a hold of the firey ewok. Sala squeezes the ewok until he hears his bones cracking and internal organs squishing. Sala then kicks Paddle in the side sending her over the rail of the stairway, but Paddle grabs a hold of the rail and swings back around, igniting her lightsaber on the way back up. Sala stand at the ready with his fists, but Paddle chops directly through the meaty hands of Sala on the way to slicing his throat.
THE ABOMITRONS ARE VICTORIOUS!!
Built Ford Tough is Sala and Marcus Brody.
The battle begins on the stairway of Hogwarts, which immedietely begins to move in different directions, confusing all four of the combatants. Ewok #51 realizes that he didn't bring any arrows with him, so he throws down a hella dehydration turd in the palm of his head and then bowcasts that Mamma Jamma into Marcus Brody's eye. Sala is furious at the untimely and embarrassing death of his life long friend and grabs a hold of the firey ewok. Sala squeezes the ewok until he hears his bones cracking and internal organs squishing. Sala then kicks Paddle in the side sending her over the rail of the stairway, but Paddle grabs a hold of the rail and swings back around, igniting her lightsaber on the way back up. Sala stand at the ready with his fists, but Paddle chops directly through the meaty hands of Sala on the way to slicing his throat.
THE ABOMITRONS ARE VICTORIOUS!!
Xavier's Annihilation Squad Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies
Xavier's Annihilation Squad is Hanibal (from The A-Team)
Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies are Al Quaeda Terrorist #1 and 2.
Hanibal shoots the terrorists in the head.
XAVIER'S ANNIHILATION SQUAD IS VICTORIOUS!!
Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies are Al Quaeda Terrorist #1 and 2.
Hanibal shoots the terrorists in the head.
XAVIER'S ANNIHILATION SQUAD IS VICTORIOUS!!
Le' Napoleon Brigade Vs. The Syracuse Valley
L’ Napoleon Brigade es Andrew Laidlaw, Phil Day (w/ a Sith Lavarouk), and Lala.
The Syracuse Valley is Fire Bros. #9 and 10.
(Read slowly… It’s a complicated match)…
Fire Bros. throw fire at gamers. Gamers duck out of way. Lala get caught on fire by fire ball and die. Andrew Laidlaw makes a poop on Fire Brother’s head and it make Fire Bros. mad. Laidlaw then kick Fire Bros. hard in his privates. Fire Bros. then slips in more poop and falls and gets hurt and breaks neck and dies. Laidlaw gets burned with fire by other fire bros. and dies. Phil shoots sharps at Fire Bros. that made his friend get dead. Fire Bros. gets dead from the sharps. Phil Day is happy cause he not dead.
LE’ NAPOLEON BRIGADE ES VICTORIOUS!!
The Syracuse Valley is Fire Bros. #9 and 10.
(Read slowly… It’s a complicated match)…
Fire Bros. throw fire at gamers. Gamers duck out of way. Lala get caught on fire by fire ball and die. Andrew Laidlaw makes a poop on Fire Brother’s head and it make Fire Bros. mad. Laidlaw then kick Fire Bros. hard in his privates. Fire Bros. then slips in more poop and falls and gets hurt and breaks neck and dies. Laidlaw gets burned with fire by other fire bros. and dies. Phil shoots sharps at Fire Bros. that made his friend get dead. Fire Bros. gets dead from the sharps. Phil Day is happy cause he not dead.
LE’ NAPOLEON BRIGADE ES VICTORIOUS!!
Season Four: National League Finals: The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs The Right Wing
In honor of the NL Conference Championship, the Watchers have obtained quotes from the owners themselves instead of the combatants.
“Just to let you know, I didn’t wash my hands before eating that hotdog.”
-Josh Houslander
“If Sarah Palin had any less experience, she’d be Barack Obama.”
-Shannon Pilkinton
Nickatu and Bryatu are honored to look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 4, NLConference Championship Match located on the Playoff Planet. They are as follows:
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets: Mr. Mxyzptlk, Magneto, Count Dooku, Asajj Ventress, X-23, Superboy, He-Man and Battle Cat, Gamera, Smart Grimlock, Ganthet (w/ a green lantern ring), Sayd, Larfleeze, The Leprechaun, Twincast w/ Decibal, Legout, Zombie (movie) Frenzy, Black Lantern Rumble, Black Lantern Laserbeak, Space Ghost w/ Jan, Jace, and Blip, Saeese Tiin and R.O.B. The Robot in a Jedi V-Wing, Red Robin (Tim Drake version) and Gobo in The Thunder Machine, Thundercracker, Skywarp, Tri-eye, Bleez, Blue Lantern #1, Indigo Lantern #2, Star Sapphire #2, Mighty Mouse, Usagi Yojimbo, Space Usagi, Jotaro, Tom Bombadil, Psylocke, Titanus power rangers, Baby Wolverine, Megalon, Qwsp, Bat-Mite bat mxyplik, Queen A'gapo, Mighty Mousette (w/ a Star Sapphire Ring), Capt. Power, Aayla Secura, and R-2 Unit #3 in a Y-Wing Bomber, Durge, Aurra Sing in a Light Plane, Wonder Man, Longshot, Lockheed, Adam Warlock, Link.
The Right Wing: Superwoman, Red She Hulk, The Cosmic Hulk Robot, The Silver Surfer (w/ a green lantern ring), Skaar: Son of Hulk (w/ a green lightsaber), Doc Samson, Zeus, Flash (w/ a blue lantern ring), John Stewart (he has 9 deaths), Blackfire, Quinlon Vos, Athena (w/ an Indigo Lantern Ring), Red Tornado, Nick Houslander (w/ a blue lightsaber and a Devil Lance) (he has 9 deaths), Bear (w/ a green lightsaber and a demon rod), and Magwai #3 and 4 in the Millenium Chowder, Lyra the She Hulk (w/ a green lightsaber), Miss Martian, Zombie Grey Hulk, Black Lantern Sixshot, Goliath, Mr. Freeze, Poseidon, Agamemnon (he is the last remaining member of The Pantheon and has 9 deaths), Victoria (w/ a red lightsaber), The Voltari: Aro, Caius, and Marcus, The Quileute Tribe: Sam, Paul, Jared, and Quil, Kit Fisto, Bulkhead, Bib and Beb, Opee Sea Killer #1-6, Donkey Kong Jr., Bill O'Reilly (w/ a Sith Lavarok), Smurf #3 in an AT-ST, Blue Lantern #2 (has 9 deaths), Darth Malak (he has 9 deaths), Sandstorm, Warpath, Baby Storm, Black Panther, The Wicked Witch of The West, Zombie Jedi Knight #17, Zombie Predator #2 and Zistar Flamgag.
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets Locker Room. . .
We look into the locker room of the Brotherhood. The owner of the Brotherhood, Josh Houslander, holds a large chalice in his hand.
Houslander: It has taken four years of determination to reach this point, but it is not enough! It has taken four years of our sweat to reach this point, but it is not enough! It has taken four years of our blood to reach this point, but it is not enough! It has taken four years of our LIVES to reach this point, but it is not enough! IT IS NOT ENOUGH! Today, I stand before you, as owner of this team and I say to you, IT IS NOT ENOUGH!!! Only if we make it to the Universe Bowl and win is it ENOUGH!!!
Houslander lifts the chalice above his head.
Houslander: In my hand I have the chalice of strength! In my hand I have the chalice of life! In my hand I have the chalice of victory! All who risk their lives on the battlefield-drink! Drink to strength! Drink to life! DRINK TO VICTORY!
The Midgets’ battle cry is heard throughout the regions. All who will enter onto the battlefield drink of the chalice before being transported. The Midgets’ team flashes out of sight. Houslander looks around and takes the dead baby bird out of the cup. . . and smiles.
The Right Wing Locker Room. . .
Shannon Pilkinton looks around her team’s locker room.
Pilkinton: Let’s kick some a$$!
The Right Wing’s battle cry echoes across the regions. The team is then transported.
Since this is the Conference Championship, the Watchers decide to repeatedly transport the combatants to various regions in the blink of an eye. Thus, a member can fight in the Plains Region and in the next instant fight in the Water Region. If they are to be crowned NL Champions, they shall earn it! Let the battle begin. . .
Plains Region. . .
Zombie Jedi Knight #17 faces Durge. ZJK #17 ignites its lightsaber and begins to awkwardly shamble toward the Midget team member.
Durge: I was once buried alive—for 60 years! If that didn't kill me… if the Sith and the Mandalorians and the Bloodboilers of Kragis couldn't kill me—then you will not kill me!
Durge uses his vast weaponry against ZJK #17. Although the Right Winger is able to deflect some of the blasts, it is unable to eventually avoid the constant barrage of the Gen’Dai bounty hunter. A well placed blast takes the head off of ZJK #17 and its body crumples to the ground.
Across the field, Baby Wolverine faces Baby Storm. BS manipulates the weather in a way that she focuses an area such that BW is pummeled with both torrential rain and lightning. The elements take a toll on BW and he falls to the ground. BS flies toward the nearly beaten warrior and stands in front of him.
Baby Storm: Only one baby can survive today!
Baby Storm’s eyes suddenly bulge out of her skull. She looks down and sees Baby Wolverine’s claws ripping into her now-demolished stomach. Baby Storm dies.
Baby Wolverine: That’s right Stormy and I’m that surviving baby!
Forest Region. . .
Bill O'Reilly, Donkey Kong Jr. and Smurf #3 travel through the woods in an AT-ST. The members in the AT-ST spot Aurra Sing in a plane. Although Sing manages to avoid a few of the blasts, the plane is finally hit and crashes into the ground. The AT-ST moves toward the plane and stomps on the fighter; a crunching is heard as the plane implodes. While the AT-ST drivers focus on the demolished plane, they fail to notice Sing slowly floating down in a parachute and landing on a branch above. Suddenly the AT-ST is struck by the bombs of the Y-Wing commandeered by Captain Power, Aayla Secura, and R-2 Unit #3. The AT-ST explodes. The Y-Wing then quickly heads back up into space where it knows it is needed. Before being engulfed in flames though, Bill O’Reilly, Donkey Kong Jr. and Smurf #3 escape through a hatch located on the bottom of the vehicle. Smurf #3 loses O’Reilly and Donkey Kong, Jr. in the rush from the destruction. Smurf #3 wanders through the forest until he faces the Leprechaun.
Smurf #3: Who are you?
Leprechaun: What do I look like, me lad? See the hat? The buckles on me shoes? Why, I'm a Leprechaun!
Before the Smurf can react, the Leprechaun takes a broken stick from the ground and skewers Smurf #3.
Donkey Kong, Jr. races up a stony knoll. The ape spots his prey and begins to throw rocks at Usagi Yojimbo. The rabbit warrior is hit and falls to the ground. Before Donkey Kong Jr. can deliver the killing blow, Mighty Mouse and Mighty Mousette fly to the scene. The two mice use their combined strength and quickness, as well as Mousette’s Star Sapphire ring to crush Kong with his own rocks. Donkey Kong Jr. dies.
Bill O’Reilly comes upon Jotaro.
Bill O’Reilly: Lotsa people want to hurt me. That’s the price you pay for being a big mouth.
Before O’Reilly can react with his Sith lavarok, Jotaro kills the Fox News anchor.
Jotaro: I liked Keith Oberman better anyway.
Space Region…
The Silver Surfer, John Stewart and Superwoman all gather to discuss what they know is going to be the most difficult match of their lives.
Stewart: Look Surf, we are outnumbered two to one out here in space, I say we try to move this battle back down to the planet.
Superwoman: Oh and what, put the rest of our team in danger of these a$$holes? What do you think- we can’t take these guys on ourselves?
Stewart: Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying Clara.
Superwoman: My name’s not Clara. . . John!
Stewart: So you say. I’m still not sure that you’re not still with him anyway.
Superwoman: And what the hell is that supposed to mean?
Stewart: I think you know Mixi, or are you Laurel right now? It’s no wonder none of us trust you.
Superwoman: Screw you John! What if I am Mxyzptlk? Are you going to kill me because of it?
As soon as she says this, the real Mr. Mxyzptlk appears out of nowhere.
Mr. Mxyzptlk: Just to set the record straight, I am the only Mxyzptlk in this realm okay. Now don’t go stealing my thunder now.
Stewart: Hey look Claire, it’s your teammate.
This is the tipping point for Superwoman as she sends a blast of heat energy directly at Stewart. Luckily for Stewart, the Silver Surfer blocks the burst and knocks Superwoman back with a stun blast of cosmic energy. Stewart begins to thank the Surfer when he hits him with the same stun blast that he hit Superwoman with. As this all goes down Mxyzptlk roars with laughter. The Surfer then looks over at Mxyzptlk.
Silver Surfer: You, shut up. And for the two of you, either stop arguing or I’ll forfeit the match right now.
Mxyzptlk: I can handle the forfeit negotiations right now if you’d like.
Surfer: That’s it Mixi!
Mxyzptlk: Okay, I’m out of here!
Mr. Mxyzptlk quickly vanishes from the scene.
Surfer: I’m only going to say this one time. Are you two done with this garbage?
They both feebly reply in unison- “Yes” - and the Surfer looks at them both with mild disdain.
Silver Surfer: Okay, now that Kindergarten is over with, I was hoping we can finally get on with it.
The two both nod and begin to fly toward the Y-Wing that has been circling the planet below. John Stewart and Superwoman take the opposing sides of the ship as the Surfer runs cover for them. As Stewarts nods to his teammates, they both send a blast of energy towards the ship. Before they are able to do any damage, Ganthet flies out from the front of the ship and blocks both of their blasts. His blocks are quickly met with retaliatory action from the Silver Surfer, as his blast of cosmic force coupled with his green lantern ring, easily overpower him. Ganthet falls unconscious down to the planet below.
The three Right Wingers then collectively send blasts of energy toward the Y-Wing, completely disintegrating it. Captain Power, Aayla Secura and R-2 Unit #3 perish with their ship. The Surfer then immediately turns back and heads for both of the “common” Midget lanterns. The fight between the Surfer against Indigo Lantern #2 and the Star Sapphire #2 lasts about as long as we thought it would, as both non-green lantern wearing creatures fall within a matter of minutes.
Wonder Man sees this occur and races into mix. He charges directly into the Surfer and actually gets a hold of him…for only a second though, as the Surfer easily overtakes him, breaking his neck in the process.
Superwoman: Well I’ll be damned if the old surfer couldn’t just take on this entire team by himself!
This is the last thing Clara. . . err. . . Laurel. . . err. . . we mean Superwoman says as her head is blown to bits by Superboy, who just so happened to be directly behind her.
Superboy: I’d like to test that theory Dana.
John Stewart: Her name wasn’t Dana, it was…well, it was SUPERWOMAN
John Stewart then unleashes the full power of his ring into the chest of Superboy, which sends him flying hundreds of miles away.
Silver Surfer: So now you’re protective over her?
John Stewart glares over at the Surfer with a look of sheer determination.
John Stewart: Let’s go kill that Mother F#$%er!
Water Region…
Saeese Tiin and R.O.B. the Robot fly their Jedi V-Wing over the area. They cannot see the shapes racing just beneath the water’s surface, tracking the ship. The shapes are actually Poseidon riding sixty foot Opee Sea Killers #1-6. Miraculously, the beasts jump from the water and crash into the Jedi V-Wing. The ship crashes into the water. Saeese Tiin and R.O.B. the Robot have enough time before the crash to jettison from the craft. The two float on the water’s surface. As Saeese Tiin turns around, he sees R.O.B. the Robot swallowed by Opee Sea Killer #2. Tiin ignites his lightsaber. As the sea killers aim to finish Tiin, Gamera flies to the scene. Plasma fireballs shoot from the immense turtle’s mouth and destroy Opee Sea Killers #1 and 3. Megalon bursts from the waters below and destroys Opee Sea Killers #4 and 5. The Seatopian god then combines its immense size and powers with Gamera to destroy remaining Opee Sea Killers #2 and 6. Poseidon swims from the battle, looking to gain an advantage over the two monstrosities at a later time.
City Region- [E Boulevard]. . .
Count Dooku and Asajj Ventress face Darth Malak.
Dooku: I know that you are a constant disappointment to me, but we must put that aside for now if we are to be victorious today.
Ventress: Understood a$$hole.
Dooku: What was that?!?!
Ventress: I said ‘understood master.’
Dooku: That is what I thought you said.
The evil emissaries face a cacophony of sound as Sith lightning and the crashing of lightsabers is heard. Ventress, as always, manages to foil her own efforts and Darth Malak kills her. Malak uses the Force to strangle Dooku and breaks the old man’s neck with a flick of his wrist. After finishing the Count, he turns too late. Black Lantern Laserbeak uses its talons to rip into the Sith Lord. As Malak falls, Black Lantern Rumble and Zombie Frenzy storm the scene and both batter and crush Malak.
Mountain Region. . .
The Wicked Witch of the West stands with Victoria, The Vultari: Aro, Caius, Marcus and The Queilette Tribe: Sam, Paul, Jared, and Quill on a ledge of the mountain.
Wicked Witch of the West: I shall conquer them all!
Victoria: Elphaba! Can’t I make you understand? You’re having delusions of grandeur!
Elphaba looks to Victoria, as well as her other teammates and then bursts into song as she has sung on Broadway numerous times before:
Something has changed within me,
Something is not the same;
I'm through with playing by the rules,
Of someone else's game.
Too late for second-guessing,
Too late to go back to sleep;
It's time to trust my instincts,
Close my eyes: and leap!
It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!
The Wicked Witch of the West begins to slowly rise, holding her broom. Her flight is cut short as Lockheed blows its fiery breath at her. She screams and falls into the snowy mountain landing. Her sizzling body melts the snow beneath her.
W3: I’m melting! Melting away! Melting. . . .
W3 becomes a puddle of water.
He-Man and Battle Cat pounce to the scene. He-Man’s glistening muscles shine from the moisture in the air for all to marvel. He-Man’s musculature astounds Victoria for an instant, but the vampire easily shakes off her vampiric desires and rushes at the Master of the Universe. Meanwhile, Battle Cat races toward the Quileute tribe mates. Battle Cat leaps onto Jared and Quil before they can shape shift. Their human forms are torn apart by the giant feline. Sam and Paul shape shift into their huge wolf forms. The two gang up on He-Man’s steed and manage to kill him. He-Man is now surrounded by not only the Voltari, but by Victoria as well. He-Man manages to dispel with Caius and Marcus, but falls to the combined skill and ferocity of Victoria and Aro.
City Region- [T.O.D. Avenue]. . .
Zombie Predator #2 lies in wait for its prey; it spots Longshot. The alien fires its laser cannon without success. The mutant’s psionic “luck” kicks into overdrive and Longshot manages to avoid the barrage of laser fire. ZP2 then hears footfalls behind it. As the beast turns, he looks down and sees a sword through its gut. The monster pushes himself toward Link and is about to take him with it to its death when Adam Warlock blasts ZP2. Both Longshot and Link wave a “thank you” to Warlock as he flies away.
Desert Region. . .
Red Robin and Gobo move along the sands in the Thunder Machine. They are traveling along when they see something crash land into the desert in front of them. They race over to the object. When they both get out of their vehicle, they notice that the object is none other than their fellow Midget, Ganthet. Ganthet looks badly injured and is unconscious. Red Robin goes over to him to see if he can do anything. He then hears something coming for them with great speed. Robin and Gobo attempt to grab Ganthet and get him back into their vehicle, but the Right Wing members are too fast for them.
Honestly, it was a good thing they didn’t find their way back into the Thunder Machine since the Red She Hulk jumped on top of the vehicle and crushed it with one try. Behind her comes several more Right Wingers. Red Robin tries his hardest to wake the green lantern, but it is no use as Skaar immediately picks Robin up and breaks him in two. Red Tornado then grabs both Ganthet and Gobo and flies them up into the air and then throws them back down again. This action kills Gobo, but actually seems to awaken Ganthet slightly. He is only awake for a couple of seconds though, before he sees his own death due to the might of the Red She Hulk and Skaar. The Right Wingers all roar in victory as they easily defeat their current enemies.
Psylocke: Yes, congratulate yourselves on an unfair victory. That’s what all you right wingers do isn’t it?
These comments enrage both of the Hulks as they instantly run toward the new batch of Midget members. Red Hulk and Skaar head to Psylocke, but as soon as they reach her, they realize that she is not alone. They also see Tom Bombadil, Skywarp, Sayd and Larfleeze.
Skaar: It is of no concern, we will still win this fight.
Red She Hulk: You sure about that? (pauses) I’m just kidding! Let’s kill these sacks of sh@t!
As Psylocke stares at the both of the Hulk relatives from up above, she contemplates how she is going to attack the two of them. This contemplation is cut short though because before she can even react, Red She Hulk pounces on Psylocke and is able to pull her down from fifty feet in the air. Red She Hulk slams her to the ground but Psylocke is able to get up almost immediately. She then blasts Red She Hulk with a bolt of energy that sends her flying down into the sand. After that, she takes control of her mind and makes Red She Hulk use her own fists to repeatedly smash her own face in. Then at the very end, she snaps her own neck.
Psylocke: “Well, now that’s more like it.”
Agamemnon sees this begin to transpire and asks Red Tornado to fly him over to Skaar’s battle. RT does this, but is too late to save the son of Hulk. Agamemnon is so enraged at this point that he smashes Psylocke in the back of the head so hard that it knocks her unconscious. Agamemnon then jumps on her back, knees first as to pin her bottom half to the ground and then literally bends her spine in half, cracking it. He then snaps her neck for good measure and walks away from the completely destroyed body.
Agamemnon is quite pleased by what has just transpired. Though before he is able to celebrate, he is hit with a blast of magic from the Middle Earth creature - Tom Bombadil. The notorious singer of terrible tunes puts a hurting on the final living member of the Pantheon. As Agamemnon lies on the ground in severe pain, Bombadil walks over to him with the purpose of sending down a killing blow. Bombadil kills Agamemnon. Red Tornado then flies over to Bombadil, picks him up and takes him straight in the air. Bombadil attempts to shower the super villain with a barrage of spells but Red Tornado is able to deflect the majority of them. With Bombadil several miles into the air, the Tornado flies as fast as he can into the body of Skywarp, killing them both.
The Red Tornado then looks upon the only two members of the Midgets that he can see and smiles, as he assumes this will be a quick fight. We suppose in one respect that he was correct in his assessment, but we doubt it is the exact scenario he had imagined in his head.
Sayd begins to slowly levitate above the ground with a look of rage that neither member of the Right Wing has ever seen. She then begins to glow so brightly that the Red Tornado, Red She Hulk and Blackfire can no longer see anything else.
Sayd: You killed my beloved even though he was defenseless to your attacks. To say you are going to pay for that is a severe understatement.
Sayd then sends the immense light array toward her opponents and in an instant, incinerates all three of them. Red Tornado, Red She Hulk and Blackfire are killed.
Larfleeze: How did you do that? I want that power! Give it to me!
Sayd: I just eliminated three of our fiercest foes and all you care about is getting my power?!?!
Larfleeze: Just give ME THAT POWER!
Zeus: If she won’t do it, I will be glad to oblige.
Zeus then sends two massive bolts of lightning down onto Sayd and Larfleeze, killing them both.
Zeus: Our loses were great in this region, but now it is time to finally give our team the victory it most rightfully deserves.
Zeus leaves the region.
City Region-[Lukas Street]. . .
The players in this match are now being transported from one region to another in the blink of an eye...
Black Panther is on a rooftop. The Leprechaun pops up next to the superhero. Black Panther takes out his energy dagger.
Leprechaun: I'll take it from you, homie, you'll see, ‘cause you know the Leprechaun is the real O.G.
Black Panther tussles with the Leprechaun. The Leprechaun strikes the Wakandan warrior in the testes and BP grimaces in pain. The Leprechaun then takes a pipe from the rooftop and is about to deal a devastating blow to BP’s head when Mr. Freeze uses his ray and freezes the Leprechaun in place. Victoria springs from the next rooftop and lashes out with her lightsaber. The Leprechaun’s head is lopped off. In response, Durge and Aura Sing combine their bounty hunter weaponry and fire upon Mr. Freeze. Freeze is killed. Saeese Tiin springs from the top of another roof and lashes out at Victoria. The two are in a bitter conflict, but the calm and lethal fighting skill of the Jedi Master is too much for the rambunctious and tenacious vampire. Victoria’s head is severed from her body. Tiin then turns around to see Kit Fisto. The two Jedi Masters circle one another. The two evenly skilled fighters eventually succumb to minor exhaustion. Each takes advantage of this and kill one another with well placed lightsaber blows.
Space Ghost is joined by Jan, Jace and Blip. They are pounced upon by the remaining Quileute Tribe shape-shifted members, Sam and Paul. Sam manages to rip apart Jan, while Paul shreds Blip. Space Ghost and Jace double team Paul and manage to break the shape shifter’s neck. Sam leaps at Space Ghost, his maw opened and teeth gnashing. Before he reaches his goal, Space Usagi slices into Sam’s stomach and kills the beast. Space Ghost looks at Space Usagi, Jace stands by.
SG: Thanks Space Usagi!
SU: No problem Space Ghost!
SG: Jace, you were no help!
Jace: Sorry SG; I’ll try better next time!
SG: You’re beginning to sound like Ventress!
Plains Region. . .
Zistar Flamgag is joined by Quinlon Vos. X-23 unsheathes her adamantium claws. Flamgag looks to Vos.
Flamgag: Although I may be the biggest buffoon ever of the Jedi Order, I will make my team proud!
Flamgag rushes at X-23. He is unable to draw his lightsaber from his hilt and trips on his own feet before reaching X-23. X-23 pierces both eyes of the knight. Vos, shakes his head, knowing that something ludicrous like this would happen. Vos then ignites his own lightsaber. As the two tussle, a screeching can be heard from above. BL Laserbeak streaks at Vos and shreds his back. Vos screams and his pain allows X-23 to take advantage of his weakness. X-23 imbeds her claws deep into Vos, who dies. BL Sixshot comes to the fray and repeatedly strikes BL Laserbeak with his weapons. The one BL Transformer succumbs to a horrible fate caused by the other. BL Laserbeak is destroyed. Across the field, Magneto stands alone. He focuses on BL Sixshot and uses his immense magnetism powers to crush the Transformer. Weapons fire across the sky as BL Sixshot faces its fate. Cosmic Hulk Robot lands at the scene.
Magneto: I don’t think so today, my friend.
Magneto’s forehead is seen sweating and the veins in his forehead begin to bulge as Magneto rips the Cosmic Hulk Robot apart. He then uses the robot’s body as a shielding which contains the powers innate in CHR. He sees his enemy across the way and creates two containers. Aro, Bib and Beb, Goliath and Doc Samson race toward Magneto, hoping to destroy the mutant before his “cosmic bombs” can be delivered. Magneto uses a smaller container containing CHR’s essence and floats it at Aro, Bib and Beb, Goliath and Doc Samson. They do not reach the mutant in time. They close their eyes as the blast engulfs them and leaves them as nothing but cinder and ash.
Forest Region. . .
Superboy wakes up in the middle of the forest trying to remember what happened to him. He sits up and hears fighting in the distance, but is unable to see anything. He then remembers the blast from the lantern ring and the pain that was associated with it. Although it has taken a lot out of him, he knows that he will be fine soon enough. The Kryptonian sits for another minute before he is ready to go. He then jumps up and flies, knowing that his team will be in need of his help.
Zombie Grey Hulk shambles across the forest floor. He feels a stabbing pain in his leg and looks down to see Baby Wolverine.
BW: Hey bub, I’m coming for your head!
BW grapples up the body of ZGH. He stabs ZGH in his neck. ZGH lets out a small bellow, noting the hindrance of this feisty, little roughneck. As BW attempts to blind the zombie, ZGH manages to grab him. ZGH rips BW in two and opens his mouth, sucking on BW’s intestines as if it were spaghetti. The Usagis then pop onto the scene.
Usagi Yojimbo, tired from his previous outing, arrives with his kinsman, Space Usagi. The two do not fare well as ZGH rips the rabbits apart before they are able to deal any form of deathblow to the zombie.
Before any more damage can be caused by ZGH, Superboy flies at the monster with supersonic speed. Superboy crushes ZGH’s skull and the zombie falls to the ground-no longer undead, just dead. Though Superboy is pleased with his kill, he knows that the real threat is up above. He takes one last deep breath and heads back into the space that he was born to fight in.
Space Region…
John Stewart races across the stars with the fire of a solar flare; the Silver Surfer follows directly behind him. The green lantern still feels the burn of the death of Superwoman, a death that he still does not quite understand why it is affecting him so. As he is getting ready to make the plunge down onto the planet, he notices a flicker from down below that is now heading directly for the two of them.
John Stewart: That’s him!
The Surfer just nods and instantly stops where he is. He turns around and takes off up above him.
Silver Surfer: Stay where you are and use your ring to burn as brightly as you can.
John Stewart: What the hell?!?
Silver Surfer: I’m not asking your permission.
Though Stewart is weary of the plan, he knows that the Surfer is far wiser then he would ever be and does exactly as he is told. As he turns himself into the brightest shade of green he can project, he looks all around him and finds himself staring at a hundred different versions of himself everywhere he can see. He then hears the Surfer yell one last thing toward him.
Silver Surfer: Now go kill that mother f@$#er.
As Superboy finally re-enters the vacuum of space, he finds himself suddenly surrounded by a hundred versions of the same lantern that he was knocked back down to earth by previously. He then takes off in the opposite direction and attempts to avoid the army of Stewarts. The retreat is short lived, as it doesn’t take long for the Right Wing members to catch up to him and completely engulf the Kryptonian. The fight is brutal and by the time they are done with him he is very near death. Then out of nowhere, everyone vanishes except for the actual John Stewart.
Superboy: You could have just killed me; why the theatrics?
John Stewart: Because you’re the one who killed her.
Superboy: I didn’t even think you liked her.
John Stewart: I don’t, but nobody and I mean nobody f@$%s with her except me!
With that said, John Stewart sends his ring wearing hand completely through the face of the now dead superhero. The Surfer then meets back up with his teammate and stares directly at him.
Silver Surfer: You feel better now, you ignorant hot head?
Stewart just looks at him and smirks before the two of them head back down to the planet where they know the final battle will shortly be taking place.
Mr. Mxyzptlk (appearing out of nowhere as he watches his two opponents head back down to the planet’s surface): Oh boy, this final’s gonna be a doozy!
City Region - [Promised-but-not-given Sketchcard Square]. . .
Nick, Bear and Mogwai #3 and 4 come rolling down the street in their cherry Dodge Daytona Pacifica a/k/a Millennium Chowder. They are enjoying the nice breeze and the sunshine that the day has so far provided. The looks on each of their faces give off the feeling of complete and utter relaxation. This all seems very odd at first glance; this being the NL conference finals and all. As the scene unfolds though, one begins to understand the reasoning behind their state of comfort as they are being flanked on all sides by the Flash, Athena, Miss Martian and Blue Lantern #2.
Nick: I am grateful for the protection and all, but you don’t make it through four full seasons in this league without being able to handle yourself, you know.
Bear: Shut the f$@% up dude and just enjoy it. This could be your last match you know.
Nick: Could be, but it won’t be. I’m not going anywhere.
Bear likes the positive attitude, but being ultra arrogant himself, he knows the downside to it all too well. As they continue down the road, they notice a massive roadblock. The noise coming from in front of them is surprising, though when you are a gigantic robot, we suppose being stealthy is pretty much out of the question.
Nick (music coming from the robots up ahead): Nice! You hear that Jack; they’re playing the “Boss.”
Bear: Yeah. You hear that Clarence died this weekend?
Nick: Yeah, I did. [Nick wipes away a tear that instantly appears]. It’s like a family member passed dude.
Flash: Why are we protecting these two again?
Miss Martian: Just keep on moving and help us clear this place out as quickly as possible. Once old silver body gets down here we can hopefully end this thing asap.
Flash: ASAP?
Miss Martian: “As soon as possible, it’s an acronym.
Flash: I know what asap means. I was questioning your use of the word.
Athena: Oh my G-d, shut up! Come on blue, leave these two wordsmiths to themselves and help me kill these jackasses.
Athena and Blue Lantern #2 race off ahead of the Chowder and go right for the kill. Blue Lantern #2 received a heaping supply of green energy from both John Stewart and Silver Surfer as the match began, so with the use of his blue ring and Athena’s Indigo powers, they find it very easy to take out Black Lantern Rumble. The Blue Lantern then blasts both Decibel and Legout in two while Athena picks up Zombie Frenzy and sends his body through the face of Megalon, killing both of them.
Nick: What the hell are they doing up there?!?! I want some of this action!
Flash: You know what then, have at it kid!
Flash then moves behind the car and races it right up into the middle of the action. This naturally delights the impulsive Mr. Houslander as he jumps out of the car just in time as Smart Grimlock manages to crush Mogwai #3 and 4, who leap out from the car at the same time. Houslander begins firing his double barrel shotgun directly at the body of Smart Grimlock.
Smart Grimlock: Is this human kidding me?
Miss Martian: G-d D#$@it Nick!
Miss Martian sees Nick firing on the metal T-Rex and flies into the fray, picking up the ignorant human.
Nick: What are you doing! I had him!
MM: Not even you are dumb enough to think that. Now please stop acting like an a$$hole and actually try not to get yourself killed!
Nick: Just put me down! I can take care of myself!
MM (under her breath): No you can’t, you ‘tard!
MM then slowly flies Nick down near his car and heads for the brilliant T-Rex.
MM: Let’s see if you can outsmart this!
As she says this, she unloads a huge amount of optic energy at the Dinobot, significantly injuring him. Though hurt, Grimlock is able to get his bearings quickly. Before the beast is able to attack the green skinned woman, she suddenly disappears. As smart as the Dinobot is, he is unable to figure out what just happened. Out of nowhere, he turns to his own teammate and knocks him into a building. As Twincast realizes what has just happened to him, he finds himself underneath the crushing foot of what he thought was his teammate. As Grimlock finally feels the spark leave Twincast’s metal body, he turns his attention to Thundercracker. He begins to run at the transformable jet with his energy sword in hand when Thundercracker takes evasive action and takes off to the sky. As he makes a flyby around the Dinobot, he screams.
Thundercracker: What the hell are you doing Grimlock?!?! We’re on your team!
Grimlock: Sorry, Grimlock’s not home right now, but if you’d like to wait just a second I think I might be able to find him.”
With that, Miss Martian reappears out of nowhere and blasts Thundercracker right in his left wing, sending him to the ground. Once he crash lands, the mind controlled Grimlock takes his sword and stabs it directly through the chest cavity of the Transformer. Once Thundercracker dies, Miss Martian releases Grimlock from his mind controlled stupor and allows him to take in the devastation he had caused his own team.
Grimlock: What have I done? I didn’t mean to do any of it!
Flash: Well, at this point I’m afraid your apologies just aren’t going to help you in that regard.
Grimlock looks over at the blurred figure that was the Flash and before he knows it, the Dinobot is taken down and destroyed by the combined forces of Miss Martian, Athena and the Flash.
As this goes on, we realize that Nick had snuck around the corner of a building and had been watching Blue Lantern #1 take on Blue Lantern #2. Though Nick was equipped with a light saber and a devil lance for this match, he preferred the warm wood grain finish of his double barrel shotgun. The battle was easily going in #2’s favor when out of the blue (no pun intended), Bear comes driving up in the Millennium Chowder.
Bear: Hey guys, what’s going on?
Blue Lantern #2: Get the hell out of here! I have this under control!
Once he turns his attention toward Bear, Blue Lantern #1 gains the upper hand and blasts #2 through a near by building, knocking him unconscious.
Blue Lantern #1: Bad move you furry piece of sh@t.
Nick points his gun at the blue lantern wearing creature.
Houslander: Who you calling a piece of sh@t, you blue ring wearing son of a b@%ch.!
The Blue Lantern laughs, looking at the overly confident human.
Blue Lantern #1: “You have a gun. I have a ring. You honestly think you stand a chance against me?
Nick: More then just a chance pal!
Blue Lantern #1: Oh yeah, how’s that?
Nick: “You’re forgetting one major detail here. You’ve only got one ring; but I’ve got two barrels.
As he finishes his word ‘barrels,’ Houslander unloads both barrels of his shotgun and blows the ring wearing right hand off of the former ring-bearing Midget. In the time it takes for the former Blue Lantern #1 to process what has happened to him, Nick has already reloaded both barrels of his shotgun again and is standing right next to him. With both barrels pressed up against his head, Houslander arrogantly states “Hail to the King Baby” and pulls the trigger.
Bear: Oh what the hell dude! You could of at least gave me a warning about that one. Now I have blood all over me!
Nick: Suck it up bud; it gives you character.
The remaining Right Wingers head toward the Dodge Daytona and congratulate Houslander on his kill. Given, if he would have just let Blue Lantern #2 do his thing, this would have all been over a lot sooner, but that’s neither here nor there. Houslander continues to gloat for a while over his kill when Athena reminds them all that they are still far from victory. After her teammates jibed her for sometime about this, they all get back into formation and head back down to where they know this match will finally find its conclusion.
The Final Melee. . .
The remaining Brotherhood are Mr. Mxyzptlk, Magneto, X-23, Gamera, Space Ghost, Jace, Mighty Mouse, Tri-Eye, Bleez, Jotaro, Titanus power rangers, Qwsp, Bat-Mite, Queen A'gapo, Mighty Mousette (w/ a Star Sapphire Ring), Durge, Aurra Sing Longshot, Lockheed, Adam Warlock and Link.
The remaining Wingers are Silver Surfer (w/ a green lantern ring), Zeus, Flash (w/ a blue lantern ring), John Stewart (he has 9 deaths), Athena (w/ an Indigo Lantern Ring), Nick Houslander (w/ a blue lightsaber and a Devil Lance) (he has 9 deaths), Bear (w/ a green lightsaber and a demon rod, Lyra the She Hulk (w/ a green lightsaber), Miss Martian, Poseidon, Bulkhead, Blue Lantern #2 (has 9 deaths), Sandstorm, Warpath and Black Panther.
Houslander revs up the engine to the Millenium Chowder. Alongside him are Bear and Black Panther.
Houslander: Hey BP?
Black Panther: Yeah?
Houslander: You one malt likah pickah!
BP: What!
Houslander: Sorry, always wanted to say that.
Houslander looks out of his windshield, steps on the gas and races into battle. The car appears to stop just before reaching the Midgets. The three Wingers look around and notice Mxyzptlk, Qwsp and Bat Mite floating in the car.
Bat Mite: They were interesting were they not?
Mxyzptlk: Yes they were.
Qwsp: Quite right!
Mxyzptlk: Think it’s time to go now gentle friends, don’t you?
Qwsp: I would say so.
The combined reality warps and the battlefield in front of the Millenium Chowder fades away into obscurity. The car is in the air, racing to nothingness. Houslander, Black Panther and Bear look out of the car and see only the ground below. . . five hundred feet below and quickly approaching.
Houslander: I DON’T WANT TO DIE LIKE THELMA AND LOUISE-I HATED THAT CHICK FLICK (although Brad Pitt was shirtless in that one)!!! DON’T LET ME DIE!!!
As if in response to Houslander’s call, he is ripped from the car by Stewart with his green lantern ring. The other passengers, Bear and Black Panther, are not as lucky as the car crashes with their bodies in it. They are mashed like potatoes on Thanksgiving. Houslander floats to the ground and stands again with his teammates.
Gamera is pummeled by Zeus, Athena and Poseidon. Although the Tojo monster is immense, it cannot sustain the damage repeatedly forced upon it by the gods’ combined efforts. Durge and Aurra Sing attempt to focus on the Flash by firing their blasters at various points where they believe the speedster will go. It is without avail though as the Flash’s speed and ring are too much for the bounty hunters. Eventually, Flash positions the two in a way where they fire upon each other. The two look down at the holes in their chest, realizing that they have killed their own teammates; that they have killed each other. The Flash zooms away as the bounty hunters hit the ground, dead.
Jace rushes at Lyra the She Hulk. Jace momentarily turns around, calling to his leader.
Jace: I won’t disappoint you now Space Ghost! I. . .
Jace’s next sentence is cut short as he looks down and sees a green lightsaber protruding from his chest. Lyra slices through his body and Jace falls to the ground.
Space Ghost: I guess you just did, Jace.
Lyra then rushes at Space Ghost and kills the hero. She looks up to see Queen A’gapo, Mighty Mouse and Mighty Mousette. Although Lyra manages to kill Mighty Mouse, the two female ring wielders are then joined by Tri-Eye, Adam Warlock and Bleez. The group overpowers and eventually kills Lyra. The other lanterns then enter the fray. Blue Lantern #2, Flash, John Stewart and Athena duke it out with the remaining Midget lanterns. In a spectacular battle, the lanterns basically destroy one another. Tri-Eye and Bleez kill Blue Lantern #2. Stewart manages to kill Mighty Mousette. Flash and Athena kill Queen A’gapo. Stewart then joins Flash and Athena, killing both Tri-Eye and Bleez.
Titanus fights the trio of Winger Transformers- Bulkhead, Sandstorm and Warpath. In robot mode, the trio unleashes both their fighting skills and weapons into the Power Ranger beast. Titanus gains the upper hand at one point and smashes Bulkhead; Bulkhead is destroyed. Warpath then uses his large gun to blow a hole into Titanus. Titanus is mortally devastated, but with him takes Sandstorm. Warpath looks down at the wreckage and suddenly explodes for an unknown reason.
Miss Martian uses her optic force blast to easily dispel with Link. She turns and sees Adam Warlock. In retaliation of his teammate’s demise, Warlock manipulates energies into a cosmic blast, which burns Miss Martian alive. Athena uses her indigo ring to create a lance-like projection, which she hurls at Lockheed. The dragon cannot avoid the projectile and is skewered. Lockheed falls to the ground, dead. As Athena turns, she is struck by Jotaro. Athena laughs as she kills the fighter in only a matter of seconds due to her godlike abilities. Longshot’s psionic luck runs out as he is killed by Flash and John Stewart. Warlock then flies to the scene and uses his full cosmic abilities to kill the Flash. Stewart and Athena then focus on Warlock. Qwsp, Mxyzptlk and Bat-Mite, again use their abilities to warp reality. This allows their teammate Warlock take advantage of the current situation. Warlock, combined with the efforts of the diminutive trio, destroys both Stewart and Athena. Reality is again in place as Warlock is killed by a passing Silver Surfer. His cosmic essence is then stolen into a small sphere created previously by Magneto. With the fight appearing to be near the end, the three sprite-like beings disappear.
X-23 stands before Magneto as they are faced by Silver Surfer, Zeus and Poseidon.
Surfer: Stand behind a girl? What cowardice!
Magneto: I stand behind no one.
Surfer: You’re right.
The Silver Surfer unleashes the power cosmic and rips X-23 apart.
Zeus: Now you have no one.
Bat-Mite: We ain’t no one!
Qwsp: Yeah, we ain’t!
Mxyzptlk: We stand with you, brother.
As Zeus, Poseidon and the Surfer unleash their full powers at Magneto, Bat-Mite, Qwsp and Mxyzptlk stand in Magneto’s way, sacrificing themselves for the one who they believe will win this battle for not only them, but for the entire Midget team.
Surfer: You stand alone now.
Magneto: I stand not alone, but with others who have passed on before me.
Magneto flings his cape away and a small sphere, emitting a glow rises.
As the sphere gets closer to the Winger trio, it begins to increase in size. The cosmic forces once contained within Warlock and Cosmic Hulk Robot are pulsating within the sphere containing them. As the sphere increases in velocity, it also increases in size, due to the shielding of the robots who perished before on the battle field. Magneto is controlling the sphere such that the size increases and then decreases, causing additional chain reactions of the cosmic powers contained within.
Magneto: And now. . . the others. . . stand with me!
Magneto unleashes the cosmic bomb which, controlling the magnetism around himself, destroys only that which it is focused upon-Silver Surfer, Zeus and Poseidon. The godlike and cosmic powers wielded by the three are not enough to bypass the explosion’s intensity. The Wingers are destroyed. Magneto looks upon the battlefield. He turns his back and is struck by a barrage of projectiles. Magneto turns around and sees Nick Houslander.
Nick has scavenged the rings of the lantern wielders who have fallen in battle. The rings have shielded Houslander from the blast. Now, not only is he equipped with a blue lightsaber, a devil lance and a double barrel shotgun, he now wears two blue lantern rings, two star sapphire rings, three green lantern rings, an indigo ring and a red lantern ring.
Houslander: COME GET SOME!
Magneto dodges the barrage of lantern projectiles that Houslander throws at him. He stands behind the wreckage and bodies strewn across the battlefield.
Magneto: You forget, Nick!
Nick: What?!?!
Magneto: You forget!!!
Nick: Okay, I’ll bite, what did I forget?!?!
Magneto stands up from behind the carnage.
Magneto: That rings are metal.
Crunching is heard as Nick’s fingers are dislocated by the rings as they rip from his hands. Nick falls to the ground. His is in immense pain and near tears. Magneto comes to him.
Magneto: You have fought valiantly today, Mr. Houslander. You have even outlasted your super-powered brethren. But today shall be known as the day Mr. Nick Houslander suffered his tenth and final death in the FFL. It shall also, more importantly, be the day known as the Brotherhood of Evil Midgets winning the NL Conference Final Match.
Nick (smiling): Maybe. . . Maybe. . . But I’ll be back next year. . . As the phoenix rises, so shall Nick Houslander. . . Better than before. . . Better than ever!!!!
Magneto: Defiant to the end. . . . Maybe you will come back next year better than ever. . . But that is next year, my friend. . . That is next year. . .
A scream is heard as Nick Houslander meets his tenth death: THE BIRD IS THE WORD!!!!
The Right Wing: All dead.
The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets: Only Magneto survives.
THE BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MIDGETS IS VICTORIOUS AND ENTERS THE UNIVERSE BOWL FOR SEASON 4!
Alternate Ending- The Final Melee:
NICKATU AND BRYATU GO TO IHOP AND HAVE THE EGG SCRAMBLER GRAVY SPECIAL. THE TWO ACCIDENTALLY SHART AND KILL THE ENTIRE REMAINING TEAM MEMBERS OF BOTH THE MIDGETS AND WINGERS! BY DEFAULT- MONTANA AND OBAMA ARE THE NL CHAMPS AND B3 IS THE AL CHAMPS! ON TO THE UNIVERSE BOWL!!!
“Just to let you know, I didn’t wash my hands before eating that hotdog.”
-Josh Houslander
“If Sarah Palin had any less experience, she’d be Barack Obama.”
-Shannon Pilkinton
Nickatu and Bryatu are honored to look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 4, NLConference Championship Match located on the Playoff Planet. They are as follows:
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets: Mr. Mxyzptlk, Magneto, Count Dooku, Asajj Ventress, X-23, Superboy, He-Man and Battle Cat, Gamera, Smart Grimlock, Ganthet (w/ a green lantern ring), Sayd, Larfleeze, The Leprechaun, Twincast w/ Decibal, Legout, Zombie (movie) Frenzy, Black Lantern Rumble, Black Lantern Laserbeak, Space Ghost w/ Jan, Jace, and Blip, Saeese Tiin and R.O.B. The Robot in a Jedi V-Wing, Red Robin (Tim Drake version) and Gobo in The Thunder Machine, Thundercracker, Skywarp, Tri-eye, Bleez, Blue Lantern #1, Indigo Lantern #2, Star Sapphire #2, Mighty Mouse, Usagi Yojimbo, Space Usagi, Jotaro, Tom Bombadil, Psylocke, Titanus power rangers, Baby Wolverine, Megalon, Qwsp, Bat-Mite bat mxyplik, Queen A'gapo, Mighty Mousette (w/ a Star Sapphire Ring), Capt. Power, Aayla Secura, and R-2 Unit #3 in a Y-Wing Bomber, Durge, Aurra Sing in a Light Plane, Wonder Man, Longshot, Lockheed, Adam Warlock, Link.
The Right Wing: Superwoman, Red She Hulk, The Cosmic Hulk Robot, The Silver Surfer (w/ a green lantern ring), Skaar: Son of Hulk (w/ a green lightsaber), Doc Samson, Zeus, Flash (w/ a blue lantern ring), John Stewart (he has 9 deaths), Blackfire, Quinlon Vos, Athena (w/ an Indigo Lantern Ring), Red Tornado, Nick Houslander (w/ a blue lightsaber and a Devil Lance) (he has 9 deaths), Bear (w/ a green lightsaber and a demon rod), and Magwai #3 and 4 in the Millenium Chowder, Lyra the She Hulk (w/ a green lightsaber), Miss Martian, Zombie Grey Hulk, Black Lantern Sixshot, Goliath, Mr. Freeze, Poseidon, Agamemnon (he is the last remaining member of The Pantheon and has 9 deaths), Victoria (w/ a red lightsaber), The Voltari: Aro, Caius, and Marcus, The Quileute Tribe: Sam, Paul, Jared, and Quil, Kit Fisto, Bulkhead, Bib and Beb, Opee Sea Killer #1-6, Donkey Kong Jr., Bill O'Reilly (w/ a Sith Lavarok), Smurf #3 in an AT-ST, Blue Lantern #2 (has 9 deaths), Darth Malak (he has 9 deaths), Sandstorm, Warpath, Baby Storm, Black Panther, The Wicked Witch of The West, Zombie Jedi Knight #17, Zombie Predator #2 and Zistar Flamgag.
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets Locker Room. . .
We look into the locker room of the Brotherhood. The owner of the Brotherhood, Josh Houslander, holds a large chalice in his hand.
Houslander: It has taken four years of determination to reach this point, but it is not enough! It has taken four years of our sweat to reach this point, but it is not enough! It has taken four years of our blood to reach this point, but it is not enough! It has taken four years of our LIVES to reach this point, but it is not enough! IT IS NOT ENOUGH! Today, I stand before you, as owner of this team and I say to you, IT IS NOT ENOUGH!!! Only if we make it to the Universe Bowl and win is it ENOUGH!!!
Houslander lifts the chalice above his head.
Houslander: In my hand I have the chalice of strength! In my hand I have the chalice of life! In my hand I have the chalice of victory! All who risk their lives on the battlefield-drink! Drink to strength! Drink to life! DRINK TO VICTORY!
The Midgets’ battle cry is heard throughout the regions. All who will enter onto the battlefield drink of the chalice before being transported. The Midgets’ team flashes out of sight. Houslander looks around and takes the dead baby bird out of the cup. . . and smiles.
The Right Wing Locker Room. . .
Shannon Pilkinton looks around her team’s locker room.
Pilkinton: Let’s kick some a$$!
The Right Wing’s battle cry echoes across the regions. The team is then transported.
Since this is the Conference Championship, the Watchers decide to repeatedly transport the combatants to various regions in the blink of an eye. Thus, a member can fight in the Plains Region and in the next instant fight in the Water Region. If they are to be crowned NL Champions, they shall earn it! Let the battle begin. . .
Plains Region. . .
Zombie Jedi Knight #17 faces Durge. ZJK #17 ignites its lightsaber and begins to awkwardly shamble toward the Midget team member.
Durge: I was once buried alive—for 60 years! If that didn't kill me… if the Sith and the Mandalorians and the Bloodboilers of Kragis couldn't kill me—then you will not kill me!
Durge uses his vast weaponry against ZJK #17. Although the Right Winger is able to deflect some of the blasts, it is unable to eventually avoid the constant barrage of the Gen’Dai bounty hunter. A well placed blast takes the head off of ZJK #17 and its body crumples to the ground.
Across the field, Baby Wolverine faces Baby Storm. BS manipulates the weather in a way that she focuses an area such that BW is pummeled with both torrential rain and lightning. The elements take a toll on BW and he falls to the ground. BS flies toward the nearly beaten warrior and stands in front of him.
Baby Storm: Only one baby can survive today!
Baby Storm’s eyes suddenly bulge out of her skull. She looks down and sees Baby Wolverine’s claws ripping into her now-demolished stomach. Baby Storm dies.
Baby Wolverine: That’s right Stormy and I’m that surviving baby!
Forest Region. . .
Bill O'Reilly, Donkey Kong Jr. and Smurf #3 travel through the woods in an AT-ST. The members in the AT-ST spot Aurra Sing in a plane. Although Sing manages to avoid a few of the blasts, the plane is finally hit and crashes into the ground. The AT-ST moves toward the plane and stomps on the fighter; a crunching is heard as the plane implodes. While the AT-ST drivers focus on the demolished plane, they fail to notice Sing slowly floating down in a parachute and landing on a branch above. Suddenly the AT-ST is struck by the bombs of the Y-Wing commandeered by Captain Power, Aayla Secura, and R-2 Unit #3. The AT-ST explodes. The Y-Wing then quickly heads back up into space where it knows it is needed. Before being engulfed in flames though, Bill O’Reilly, Donkey Kong Jr. and Smurf #3 escape through a hatch located on the bottom of the vehicle. Smurf #3 loses O’Reilly and Donkey Kong, Jr. in the rush from the destruction. Smurf #3 wanders through the forest until he faces the Leprechaun.
Smurf #3: Who are you?
Leprechaun: What do I look like, me lad? See the hat? The buckles on me shoes? Why, I'm a Leprechaun!
Before the Smurf can react, the Leprechaun takes a broken stick from the ground and skewers Smurf #3.
Donkey Kong, Jr. races up a stony knoll. The ape spots his prey and begins to throw rocks at Usagi Yojimbo. The rabbit warrior is hit and falls to the ground. Before Donkey Kong Jr. can deliver the killing blow, Mighty Mouse and Mighty Mousette fly to the scene. The two mice use their combined strength and quickness, as well as Mousette’s Star Sapphire ring to crush Kong with his own rocks. Donkey Kong Jr. dies.
Bill O’Reilly comes upon Jotaro.
Bill O’Reilly: Lotsa people want to hurt me. That’s the price you pay for being a big mouth.
Before O’Reilly can react with his Sith lavarok, Jotaro kills the Fox News anchor.
Jotaro: I liked Keith Oberman better anyway.
Space Region…
The Silver Surfer, John Stewart and Superwoman all gather to discuss what they know is going to be the most difficult match of their lives.
Stewart: Look Surf, we are outnumbered two to one out here in space, I say we try to move this battle back down to the planet.
Superwoman: Oh and what, put the rest of our team in danger of these a$$holes? What do you think- we can’t take these guys on ourselves?
Stewart: Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying Clara.
Superwoman: My name’s not Clara. . . John!
Stewart: So you say. I’m still not sure that you’re not still with him anyway.
Superwoman: And what the hell is that supposed to mean?
Stewart: I think you know Mixi, or are you Laurel right now? It’s no wonder none of us trust you.
Superwoman: Screw you John! What if I am Mxyzptlk? Are you going to kill me because of it?
As soon as she says this, the real Mr. Mxyzptlk appears out of nowhere.
Mr. Mxyzptlk: Just to set the record straight, I am the only Mxyzptlk in this realm okay. Now don’t go stealing my thunder now.
Stewart: Hey look Claire, it’s your teammate.
This is the tipping point for Superwoman as she sends a blast of heat energy directly at Stewart. Luckily for Stewart, the Silver Surfer blocks the burst and knocks Superwoman back with a stun blast of cosmic energy. Stewart begins to thank the Surfer when he hits him with the same stun blast that he hit Superwoman with. As this all goes down Mxyzptlk roars with laughter. The Surfer then looks over at Mxyzptlk.
Silver Surfer: You, shut up. And for the two of you, either stop arguing or I’ll forfeit the match right now.
Mxyzptlk: I can handle the forfeit negotiations right now if you’d like.
Surfer: That’s it Mixi!
Mxyzptlk: Okay, I’m out of here!
Mr. Mxyzptlk quickly vanishes from the scene.
Surfer: I’m only going to say this one time. Are you two done with this garbage?
They both feebly reply in unison- “Yes” - and the Surfer looks at them both with mild disdain.
Silver Surfer: Okay, now that Kindergarten is over with, I was hoping we can finally get on with it.
The two both nod and begin to fly toward the Y-Wing that has been circling the planet below. John Stewart and Superwoman take the opposing sides of the ship as the Surfer runs cover for them. As Stewarts nods to his teammates, they both send a blast of energy towards the ship. Before they are able to do any damage, Ganthet flies out from the front of the ship and blocks both of their blasts. His blocks are quickly met with retaliatory action from the Silver Surfer, as his blast of cosmic force coupled with his green lantern ring, easily overpower him. Ganthet falls unconscious down to the planet below.
The three Right Wingers then collectively send blasts of energy toward the Y-Wing, completely disintegrating it. Captain Power, Aayla Secura and R-2 Unit #3 perish with their ship. The Surfer then immediately turns back and heads for both of the “common” Midget lanterns. The fight between the Surfer against Indigo Lantern #2 and the Star Sapphire #2 lasts about as long as we thought it would, as both non-green lantern wearing creatures fall within a matter of minutes.
Wonder Man sees this occur and races into mix. He charges directly into the Surfer and actually gets a hold of him…for only a second though, as the Surfer easily overtakes him, breaking his neck in the process.
Superwoman: Well I’ll be damned if the old surfer couldn’t just take on this entire team by himself!
This is the last thing Clara. . . err. . . Laurel. . . err. . . we mean Superwoman says as her head is blown to bits by Superboy, who just so happened to be directly behind her.
Superboy: I’d like to test that theory Dana.
John Stewart: Her name wasn’t Dana, it was…well, it was SUPERWOMAN
John Stewart then unleashes the full power of his ring into the chest of Superboy, which sends him flying hundreds of miles away.
Silver Surfer: So now you’re protective over her?
John Stewart glares over at the Surfer with a look of sheer determination.
John Stewart: Let’s go kill that Mother F#$%er!
Water Region…
Saeese Tiin and R.O.B. the Robot fly their Jedi V-Wing over the area. They cannot see the shapes racing just beneath the water’s surface, tracking the ship. The shapes are actually Poseidon riding sixty foot Opee Sea Killers #1-6. Miraculously, the beasts jump from the water and crash into the Jedi V-Wing. The ship crashes into the water. Saeese Tiin and R.O.B. the Robot have enough time before the crash to jettison from the craft. The two float on the water’s surface. As Saeese Tiin turns around, he sees R.O.B. the Robot swallowed by Opee Sea Killer #2. Tiin ignites his lightsaber. As the sea killers aim to finish Tiin, Gamera flies to the scene. Plasma fireballs shoot from the immense turtle’s mouth and destroy Opee Sea Killers #1 and 3. Megalon bursts from the waters below and destroys Opee Sea Killers #4 and 5. The Seatopian god then combines its immense size and powers with Gamera to destroy remaining Opee Sea Killers #2 and 6. Poseidon swims from the battle, looking to gain an advantage over the two monstrosities at a later time.
City Region- [E Boulevard]. . .
Count Dooku and Asajj Ventress face Darth Malak.
Dooku: I know that you are a constant disappointment to me, but we must put that aside for now if we are to be victorious today.
Ventress: Understood a$$hole.
Dooku: What was that?!?!
Ventress: I said ‘understood master.’
Dooku: That is what I thought you said.
The evil emissaries face a cacophony of sound as Sith lightning and the crashing of lightsabers is heard. Ventress, as always, manages to foil her own efforts and Darth Malak kills her. Malak uses the Force to strangle Dooku and breaks the old man’s neck with a flick of his wrist. After finishing the Count, he turns too late. Black Lantern Laserbeak uses its talons to rip into the Sith Lord. As Malak falls, Black Lantern Rumble and Zombie Frenzy storm the scene and both batter and crush Malak.
Mountain Region. . .
The Wicked Witch of the West stands with Victoria, The Vultari: Aro, Caius, Marcus and The Queilette Tribe: Sam, Paul, Jared, and Quill on a ledge of the mountain.
Wicked Witch of the West: I shall conquer them all!
Victoria: Elphaba! Can’t I make you understand? You’re having delusions of grandeur!
Elphaba looks to Victoria, as well as her other teammates and then bursts into song as she has sung on Broadway numerous times before:
Something has changed within me,
Something is not the same;
I'm through with playing by the rules,
Of someone else's game.
Too late for second-guessing,
Too late to go back to sleep;
It's time to trust my instincts,
Close my eyes: and leap!
It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!
The Wicked Witch of the West begins to slowly rise, holding her broom. Her flight is cut short as Lockheed blows its fiery breath at her. She screams and falls into the snowy mountain landing. Her sizzling body melts the snow beneath her.
W3: I’m melting! Melting away! Melting. . . .
W3 becomes a puddle of water.
He-Man and Battle Cat pounce to the scene. He-Man’s glistening muscles shine from the moisture in the air for all to marvel. He-Man’s musculature astounds Victoria for an instant, but the vampire easily shakes off her vampiric desires and rushes at the Master of the Universe. Meanwhile, Battle Cat races toward the Quileute tribe mates. Battle Cat leaps onto Jared and Quil before they can shape shift. Their human forms are torn apart by the giant feline. Sam and Paul shape shift into their huge wolf forms. The two gang up on He-Man’s steed and manage to kill him. He-Man is now surrounded by not only the Voltari, but by Victoria as well. He-Man manages to dispel with Caius and Marcus, but falls to the combined skill and ferocity of Victoria and Aro.
City Region- [T.O.D. Avenue]. . .
Zombie Predator #2 lies in wait for its prey; it spots Longshot. The alien fires its laser cannon without success. The mutant’s psionic “luck” kicks into overdrive and Longshot manages to avoid the barrage of laser fire. ZP2 then hears footfalls behind it. As the beast turns, he looks down and sees a sword through its gut. The monster pushes himself toward Link and is about to take him with it to its death when Adam Warlock blasts ZP2. Both Longshot and Link wave a “thank you” to Warlock as he flies away.
Desert Region. . .
Red Robin and Gobo move along the sands in the Thunder Machine. They are traveling along when they see something crash land into the desert in front of them. They race over to the object. When they both get out of their vehicle, they notice that the object is none other than their fellow Midget, Ganthet. Ganthet looks badly injured and is unconscious. Red Robin goes over to him to see if he can do anything. He then hears something coming for them with great speed. Robin and Gobo attempt to grab Ganthet and get him back into their vehicle, but the Right Wing members are too fast for them.
Honestly, it was a good thing they didn’t find their way back into the Thunder Machine since the Red She Hulk jumped on top of the vehicle and crushed it with one try. Behind her comes several more Right Wingers. Red Robin tries his hardest to wake the green lantern, but it is no use as Skaar immediately picks Robin up and breaks him in two. Red Tornado then grabs both Ganthet and Gobo and flies them up into the air and then throws them back down again. This action kills Gobo, but actually seems to awaken Ganthet slightly. He is only awake for a couple of seconds though, before he sees his own death due to the might of the Red She Hulk and Skaar. The Right Wingers all roar in victory as they easily defeat their current enemies.
Psylocke: Yes, congratulate yourselves on an unfair victory. That’s what all you right wingers do isn’t it?
These comments enrage both of the Hulks as they instantly run toward the new batch of Midget members. Red Hulk and Skaar head to Psylocke, but as soon as they reach her, they realize that she is not alone. They also see Tom Bombadil, Skywarp, Sayd and Larfleeze.
Skaar: It is of no concern, we will still win this fight.
Red She Hulk: You sure about that? (pauses) I’m just kidding! Let’s kill these sacks of sh@t!
As Psylocke stares at the both of the Hulk relatives from up above, she contemplates how she is going to attack the two of them. This contemplation is cut short though because before she can even react, Red She Hulk pounces on Psylocke and is able to pull her down from fifty feet in the air. Red She Hulk slams her to the ground but Psylocke is able to get up almost immediately. She then blasts Red She Hulk with a bolt of energy that sends her flying down into the sand. After that, she takes control of her mind and makes Red She Hulk use her own fists to repeatedly smash her own face in. Then at the very end, she snaps her own neck.
Psylocke: “Well, now that’s more like it.”
Agamemnon sees this begin to transpire and asks Red Tornado to fly him over to Skaar’s battle. RT does this, but is too late to save the son of Hulk. Agamemnon is so enraged at this point that he smashes Psylocke in the back of the head so hard that it knocks her unconscious. Agamemnon then jumps on her back, knees first as to pin her bottom half to the ground and then literally bends her spine in half, cracking it. He then snaps her neck for good measure and walks away from the completely destroyed body.
Agamemnon is quite pleased by what has just transpired. Though before he is able to celebrate, he is hit with a blast of magic from the Middle Earth creature - Tom Bombadil. The notorious singer of terrible tunes puts a hurting on the final living member of the Pantheon. As Agamemnon lies on the ground in severe pain, Bombadil walks over to him with the purpose of sending down a killing blow. Bombadil kills Agamemnon. Red Tornado then flies over to Bombadil, picks him up and takes him straight in the air. Bombadil attempts to shower the super villain with a barrage of spells but Red Tornado is able to deflect the majority of them. With Bombadil several miles into the air, the Tornado flies as fast as he can into the body of Skywarp, killing them both.
The Red Tornado then looks upon the only two members of the Midgets that he can see and smiles, as he assumes this will be a quick fight. We suppose in one respect that he was correct in his assessment, but we doubt it is the exact scenario he had imagined in his head.
Sayd begins to slowly levitate above the ground with a look of rage that neither member of the Right Wing has ever seen. She then begins to glow so brightly that the Red Tornado, Red She Hulk and Blackfire can no longer see anything else.
Sayd: You killed my beloved even though he was defenseless to your attacks. To say you are going to pay for that is a severe understatement.
Sayd then sends the immense light array toward her opponents and in an instant, incinerates all three of them. Red Tornado, Red She Hulk and Blackfire are killed.
Larfleeze: How did you do that? I want that power! Give it to me!
Sayd: I just eliminated three of our fiercest foes and all you care about is getting my power?!?!
Larfleeze: Just give ME THAT POWER!
Zeus: If she won’t do it, I will be glad to oblige.
Zeus then sends two massive bolts of lightning down onto Sayd and Larfleeze, killing them both.
Zeus: Our loses were great in this region, but now it is time to finally give our team the victory it most rightfully deserves.
Zeus leaves the region.
City Region-[Lukas Street]. . .
The players in this match are now being transported from one region to another in the blink of an eye...
Black Panther is on a rooftop. The Leprechaun pops up next to the superhero. Black Panther takes out his energy dagger.
Leprechaun: I'll take it from you, homie, you'll see, ‘cause you know the Leprechaun is the real O.G.
Black Panther tussles with the Leprechaun. The Leprechaun strikes the Wakandan warrior in the testes and BP grimaces in pain. The Leprechaun then takes a pipe from the rooftop and is about to deal a devastating blow to BP’s head when Mr. Freeze uses his ray and freezes the Leprechaun in place. Victoria springs from the next rooftop and lashes out with her lightsaber. The Leprechaun’s head is lopped off. In response, Durge and Aura Sing combine their bounty hunter weaponry and fire upon Mr. Freeze. Freeze is killed. Saeese Tiin springs from the top of another roof and lashes out at Victoria. The two are in a bitter conflict, but the calm and lethal fighting skill of the Jedi Master is too much for the rambunctious and tenacious vampire. Victoria’s head is severed from her body. Tiin then turns around to see Kit Fisto. The two Jedi Masters circle one another. The two evenly skilled fighters eventually succumb to minor exhaustion. Each takes advantage of this and kill one another with well placed lightsaber blows.
Space Ghost is joined by Jan, Jace and Blip. They are pounced upon by the remaining Quileute Tribe shape-shifted members, Sam and Paul. Sam manages to rip apart Jan, while Paul shreds Blip. Space Ghost and Jace double team Paul and manage to break the shape shifter’s neck. Sam leaps at Space Ghost, his maw opened and teeth gnashing. Before he reaches his goal, Space Usagi slices into Sam’s stomach and kills the beast. Space Ghost looks at Space Usagi, Jace stands by.
SG: Thanks Space Usagi!
SU: No problem Space Ghost!
SG: Jace, you were no help!
Jace: Sorry SG; I’ll try better next time!
SG: You’re beginning to sound like Ventress!
Plains Region. . .
Zistar Flamgag is joined by Quinlon Vos. X-23 unsheathes her adamantium claws. Flamgag looks to Vos.
Flamgag: Although I may be the biggest buffoon ever of the Jedi Order, I will make my team proud!
Flamgag rushes at X-23. He is unable to draw his lightsaber from his hilt and trips on his own feet before reaching X-23. X-23 pierces both eyes of the knight. Vos, shakes his head, knowing that something ludicrous like this would happen. Vos then ignites his own lightsaber. As the two tussle, a screeching can be heard from above. BL Laserbeak streaks at Vos and shreds his back. Vos screams and his pain allows X-23 to take advantage of his weakness. X-23 imbeds her claws deep into Vos, who dies. BL Sixshot comes to the fray and repeatedly strikes BL Laserbeak with his weapons. The one BL Transformer succumbs to a horrible fate caused by the other. BL Laserbeak is destroyed. Across the field, Magneto stands alone. He focuses on BL Sixshot and uses his immense magnetism powers to crush the Transformer. Weapons fire across the sky as BL Sixshot faces its fate. Cosmic Hulk Robot lands at the scene.
Magneto: I don’t think so today, my friend.
Magneto’s forehead is seen sweating and the veins in his forehead begin to bulge as Magneto rips the Cosmic Hulk Robot apart. He then uses the robot’s body as a shielding which contains the powers innate in CHR. He sees his enemy across the way and creates two containers. Aro, Bib and Beb, Goliath and Doc Samson race toward Magneto, hoping to destroy the mutant before his “cosmic bombs” can be delivered. Magneto uses a smaller container containing CHR’s essence and floats it at Aro, Bib and Beb, Goliath and Doc Samson. They do not reach the mutant in time. They close their eyes as the blast engulfs them and leaves them as nothing but cinder and ash.
Forest Region. . .
Superboy wakes up in the middle of the forest trying to remember what happened to him. He sits up and hears fighting in the distance, but is unable to see anything. He then remembers the blast from the lantern ring and the pain that was associated with it. Although it has taken a lot out of him, he knows that he will be fine soon enough. The Kryptonian sits for another minute before he is ready to go. He then jumps up and flies, knowing that his team will be in need of his help.
Zombie Grey Hulk shambles across the forest floor. He feels a stabbing pain in his leg and looks down to see Baby Wolverine.
BW: Hey bub, I’m coming for your head!
BW grapples up the body of ZGH. He stabs ZGH in his neck. ZGH lets out a small bellow, noting the hindrance of this feisty, little roughneck. As BW attempts to blind the zombie, ZGH manages to grab him. ZGH rips BW in two and opens his mouth, sucking on BW’s intestines as if it were spaghetti. The Usagis then pop onto the scene.
Usagi Yojimbo, tired from his previous outing, arrives with his kinsman, Space Usagi. The two do not fare well as ZGH rips the rabbits apart before they are able to deal any form of deathblow to the zombie.
Before any more damage can be caused by ZGH, Superboy flies at the monster with supersonic speed. Superboy crushes ZGH’s skull and the zombie falls to the ground-no longer undead, just dead. Though Superboy is pleased with his kill, he knows that the real threat is up above. He takes one last deep breath and heads back into the space that he was born to fight in.
Space Region…
John Stewart races across the stars with the fire of a solar flare; the Silver Surfer follows directly behind him. The green lantern still feels the burn of the death of Superwoman, a death that he still does not quite understand why it is affecting him so. As he is getting ready to make the plunge down onto the planet, he notices a flicker from down below that is now heading directly for the two of them.
John Stewart: That’s him!
The Surfer just nods and instantly stops where he is. He turns around and takes off up above him.
Silver Surfer: Stay where you are and use your ring to burn as brightly as you can.
John Stewart: What the hell?!?
Silver Surfer: I’m not asking your permission.
Though Stewart is weary of the plan, he knows that the Surfer is far wiser then he would ever be and does exactly as he is told. As he turns himself into the brightest shade of green he can project, he looks all around him and finds himself staring at a hundred different versions of himself everywhere he can see. He then hears the Surfer yell one last thing toward him.
Silver Surfer: Now go kill that mother f@$#er.
As Superboy finally re-enters the vacuum of space, he finds himself suddenly surrounded by a hundred versions of the same lantern that he was knocked back down to earth by previously. He then takes off in the opposite direction and attempts to avoid the army of Stewarts. The retreat is short lived, as it doesn’t take long for the Right Wing members to catch up to him and completely engulf the Kryptonian. The fight is brutal and by the time they are done with him he is very near death. Then out of nowhere, everyone vanishes except for the actual John Stewart.
Superboy: You could have just killed me; why the theatrics?
John Stewart: Because you’re the one who killed her.
Superboy: I didn’t even think you liked her.
John Stewart: I don’t, but nobody and I mean nobody f@$%s with her except me!
With that said, John Stewart sends his ring wearing hand completely through the face of the now dead superhero. The Surfer then meets back up with his teammate and stares directly at him.
Silver Surfer: You feel better now, you ignorant hot head?
Stewart just looks at him and smirks before the two of them head back down to the planet where they know the final battle will shortly be taking place.
Mr. Mxyzptlk (appearing out of nowhere as he watches his two opponents head back down to the planet’s surface): Oh boy, this final’s gonna be a doozy!
City Region - [Promised-but-not-given Sketchcard Square]. . .
Nick, Bear and Mogwai #3 and 4 come rolling down the street in their cherry Dodge Daytona Pacifica a/k/a Millennium Chowder. They are enjoying the nice breeze and the sunshine that the day has so far provided. The looks on each of their faces give off the feeling of complete and utter relaxation. This all seems very odd at first glance; this being the NL conference finals and all. As the scene unfolds though, one begins to understand the reasoning behind their state of comfort as they are being flanked on all sides by the Flash, Athena, Miss Martian and Blue Lantern #2.
Nick: I am grateful for the protection and all, but you don’t make it through four full seasons in this league without being able to handle yourself, you know.
Bear: Shut the f$@% up dude and just enjoy it. This could be your last match you know.
Nick: Could be, but it won’t be. I’m not going anywhere.
Bear likes the positive attitude, but being ultra arrogant himself, he knows the downside to it all too well. As they continue down the road, they notice a massive roadblock. The noise coming from in front of them is surprising, though when you are a gigantic robot, we suppose being stealthy is pretty much out of the question.
Nick (music coming from the robots up ahead): Nice! You hear that Jack; they’re playing the “Boss.”
Bear: Yeah. You hear that Clarence died this weekend?
Nick: Yeah, I did. [Nick wipes away a tear that instantly appears]. It’s like a family member passed dude.
Flash: Why are we protecting these two again?
Miss Martian: Just keep on moving and help us clear this place out as quickly as possible. Once old silver body gets down here we can hopefully end this thing asap.
Flash: ASAP?
Miss Martian: “As soon as possible, it’s an acronym.
Flash: I know what asap means. I was questioning your use of the word.
Athena: Oh my G-d, shut up! Come on blue, leave these two wordsmiths to themselves and help me kill these jackasses.
Athena and Blue Lantern #2 race off ahead of the Chowder and go right for the kill. Blue Lantern #2 received a heaping supply of green energy from both John Stewart and Silver Surfer as the match began, so with the use of his blue ring and Athena’s Indigo powers, they find it very easy to take out Black Lantern Rumble. The Blue Lantern then blasts both Decibel and Legout in two while Athena picks up Zombie Frenzy and sends his body through the face of Megalon, killing both of them.
Nick: What the hell are they doing up there?!?! I want some of this action!
Flash: You know what then, have at it kid!
Flash then moves behind the car and races it right up into the middle of the action. This naturally delights the impulsive Mr. Houslander as he jumps out of the car just in time as Smart Grimlock manages to crush Mogwai #3 and 4, who leap out from the car at the same time. Houslander begins firing his double barrel shotgun directly at the body of Smart Grimlock.
Smart Grimlock: Is this human kidding me?
Miss Martian: G-d D#$@it Nick!
Miss Martian sees Nick firing on the metal T-Rex and flies into the fray, picking up the ignorant human.
Nick: What are you doing! I had him!
MM: Not even you are dumb enough to think that. Now please stop acting like an a$$hole and actually try not to get yourself killed!
Nick: Just put me down! I can take care of myself!
MM (under her breath): No you can’t, you ‘tard!
MM then slowly flies Nick down near his car and heads for the brilliant T-Rex.
MM: Let’s see if you can outsmart this!
As she says this, she unloads a huge amount of optic energy at the Dinobot, significantly injuring him. Though hurt, Grimlock is able to get his bearings quickly. Before the beast is able to attack the green skinned woman, she suddenly disappears. As smart as the Dinobot is, he is unable to figure out what just happened. Out of nowhere, he turns to his own teammate and knocks him into a building. As Twincast realizes what has just happened to him, he finds himself underneath the crushing foot of what he thought was his teammate. As Grimlock finally feels the spark leave Twincast’s metal body, he turns his attention to Thundercracker. He begins to run at the transformable jet with his energy sword in hand when Thundercracker takes evasive action and takes off to the sky. As he makes a flyby around the Dinobot, he screams.
Thundercracker: What the hell are you doing Grimlock?!?! We’re on your team!
Grimlock: Sorry, Grimlock’s not home right now, but if you’d like to wait just a second I think I might be able to find him.”
With that, Miss Martian reappears out of nowhere and blasts Thundercracker right in his left wing, sending him to the ground. Once he crash lands, the mind controlled Grimlock takes his sword and stabs it directly through the chest cavity of the Transformer. Once Thundercracker dies, Miss Martian releases Grimlock from his mind controlled stupor and allows him to take in the devastation he had caused his own team.
Grimlock: What have I done? I didn’t mean to do any of it!
Flash: Well, at this point I’m afraid your apologies just aren’t going to help you in that regard.
Grimlock looks over at the blurred figure that was the Flash and before he knows it, the Dinobot is taken down and destroyed by the combined forces of Miss Martian, Athena and the Flash.
As this goes on, we realize that Nick had snuck around the corner of a building and had been watching Blue Lantern #1 take on Blue Lantern #2. Though Nick was equipped with a light saber and a devil lance for this match, he preferred the warm wood grain finish of his double barrel shotgun. The battle was easily going in #2’s favor when out of the blue (no pun intended), Bear comes driving up in the Millennium Chowder.
Bear: Hey guys, what’s going on?
Blue Lantern #2: Get the hell out of here! I have this under control!
Once he turns his attention toward Bear, Blue Lantern #1 gains the upper hand and blasts #2 through a near by building, knocking him unconscious.
Blue Lantern #1: Bad move you furry piece of sh@t.
Nick points his gun at the blue lantern wearing creature.
Houslander: Who you calling a piece of sh@t, you blue ring wearing son of a b@%ch.!
The Blue Lantern laughs, looking at the overly confident human.
Blue Lantern #1: “You have a gun. I have a ring. You honestly think you stand a chance against me?
Nick: More then just a chance pal!
Blue Lantern #1: Oh yeah, how’s that?
Nick: “You’re forgetting one major detail here. You’ve only got one ring; but I’ve got two barrels.
As he finishes his word ‘barrels,’ Houslander unloads both barrels of his shotgun and blows the ring wearing right hand off of the former ring-bearing Midget. In the time it takes for the former Blue Lantern #1 to process what has happened to him, Nick has already reloaded both barrels of his shotgun again and is standing right next to him. With both barrels pressed up against his head, Houslander arrogantly states “Hail to the King Baby” and pulls the trigger.
Bear: Oh what the hell dude! You could of at least gave me a warning about that one. Now I have blood all over me!
Nick: Suck it up bud; it gives you character.
The remaining Right Wingers head toward the Dodge Daytona and congratulate Houslander on his kill. Given, if he would have just let Blue Lantern #2 do his thing, this would have all been over a lot sooner, but that’s neither here nor there. Houslander continues to gloat for a while over his kill when Athena reminds them all that they are still far from victory. After her teammates jibed her for sometime about this, they all get back into formation and head back down to where they know this match will finally find its conclusion.
The Final Melee. . .
The remaining Brotherhood are Mr. Mxyzptlk, Magneto, X-23, Gamera, Space Ghost, Jace, Mighty Mouse, Tri-Eye, Bleez, Jotaro, Titanus power rangers, Qwsp, Bat-Mite, Queen A'gapo, Mighty Mousette (w/ a Star Sapphire Ring), Durge, Aurra Sing Longshot, Lockheed, Adam Warlock and Link.
The remaining Wingers are Silver Surfer (w/ a green lantern ring), Zeus, Flash (w/ a blue lantern ring), John Stewart (he has 9 deaths), Athena (w/ an Indigo Lantern Ring), Nick Houslander (w/ a blue lightsaber and a Devil Lance) (he has 9 deaths), Bear (w/ a green lightsaber and a demon rod, Lyra the She Hulk (w/ a green lightsaber), Miss Martian, Poseidon, Bulkhead, Blue Lantern #2 (has 9 deaths), Sandstorm, Warpath and Black Panther.
Houslander revs up the engine to the Millenium Chowder. Alongside him are Bear and Black Panther.
Houslander: Hey BP?
Black Panther: Yeah?
Houslander: You one malt likah pickah!
BP: What!
Houslander: Sorry, always wanted to say that.
Houslander looks out of his windshield, steps on the gas and races into battle. The car appears to stop just before reaching the Midgets. The three Wingers look around and notice Mxyzptlk, Qwsp and Bat Mite floating in the car.
Bat Mite: They were interesting were they not?
Mxyzptlk: Yes they were.
Qwsp: Quite right!
Mxyzptlk: Think it’s time to go now gentle friends, don’t you?
Qwsp: I would say so.
The combined reality warps and the battlefield in front of the Millenium Chowder fades away into obscurity. The car is in the air, racing to nothingness. Houslander, Black Panther and Bear look out of the car and see only the ground below. . . five hundred feet below and quickly approaching.
Houslander: I DON’T WANT TO DIE LIKE THELMA AND LOUISE-I HATED THAT CHICK FLICK (although Brad Pitt was shirtless in that one)!!! DON’T LET ME DIE!!!
As if in response to Houslander’s call, he is ripped from the car by Stewart with his green lantern ring. The other passengers, Bear and Black Panther, are not as lucky as the car crashes with their bodies in it. They are mashed like potatoes on Thanksgiving. Houslander floats to the ground and stands again with his teammates.
Gamera is pummeled by Zeus, Athena and Poseidon. Although the Tojo monster is immense, it cannot sustain the damage repeatedly forced upon it by the gods’ combined efforts. Durge and Aurra Sing attempt to focus on the Flash by firing their blasters at various points where they believe the speedster will go. It is without avail though as the Flash’s speed and ring are too much for the bounty hunters. Eventually, Flash positions the two in a way where they fire upon each other. The two look down at the holes in their chest, realizing that they have killed their own teammates; that they have killed each other. The Flash zooms away as the bounty hunters hit the ground, dead.
Jace rushes at Lyra the She Hulk. Jace momentarily turns around, calling to his leader.
Jace: I won’t disappoint you now Space Ghost! I. . .
Jace’s next sentence is cut short as he looks down and sees a green lightsaber protruding from his chest. Lyra slices through his body and Jace falls to the ground.
Space Ghost: I guess you just did, Jace.
Lyra then rushes at Space Ghost and kills the hero. She looks up to see Queen A’gapo, Mighty Mouse and Mighty Mousette. Although Lyra manages to kill Mighty Mouse, the two female ring wielders are then joined by Tri-Eye, Adam Warlock and Bleez. The group overpowers and eventually kills Lyra. The other lanterns then enter the fray. Blue Lantern #2, Flash, John Stewart and Athena duke it out with the remaining Midget lanterns. In a spectacular battle, the lanterns basically destroy one another. Tri-Eye and Bleez kill Blue Lantern #2. Stewart manages to kill Mighty Mousette. Flash and Athena kill Queen A’gapo. Stewart then joins Flash and Athena, killing both Tri-Eye and Bleez.
Titanus fights the trio of Winger Transformers- Bulkhead, Sandstorm and Warpath. In robot mode, the trio unleashes both their fighting skills and weapons into the Power Ranger beast. Titanus gains the upper hand at one point and smashes Bulkhead; Bulkhead is destroyed. Warpath then uses his large gun to blow a hole into Titanus. Titanus is mortally devastated, but with him takes Sandstorm. Warpath looks down at the wreckage and suddenly explodes for an unknown reason.
Miss Martian uses her optic force blast to easily dispel with Link. She turns and sees Adam Warlock. In retaliation of his teammate’s demise, Warlock manipulates energies into a cosmic blast, which burns Miss Martian alive. Athena uses her indigo ring to create a lance-like projection, which she hurls at Lockheed. The dragon cannot avoid the projectile and is skewered. Lockheed falls to the ground, dead. As Athena turns, she is struck by Jotaro. Athena laughs as she kills the fighter in only a matter of seconds due to her godlike abilities. Longshot’s psionic luck runs out as he is killed by Flash and John Stewart. Warlock then flies to the scene and uses his full cosmic abilities to kill the Flash. Stewart and Athena then focus on Warlock. Qwsp, Mxyzptlk and Bat-Mite, again use their abilities to warp reality. This allows their teammate Warlock take advantage of the current situation. Warlock, combined with the efforts of the diminutive trio, destroys both Stewart and Athena. Reality is again in place as Warlock is killed by a passing Silver Surfer. His cosmic essence is then stolen into a small sphere created previously by Magneto. With the fight appearing to be near the end, the three sprite-like beings disappear.
X-23 stands before Magneto as they are faced by Silver Surfer, Zeus and Poseidon.
Surfer: Stand behind a girl? What cowardice!
Magneto: I stand behind no one.
Surfer: You’re right.
The Silver Surfer unleashes the power cosmic and rips X-23 apart.
Zeus: Now you have no one.
Bat-Mite: We ain’t no one!
Qwsp: Yeah, we ain’t!
Mxyzptlk: We stand with you, brother.
As Zeus, Poseidon and the Surfer unleash their full powers at Magneto, Bat-Mite, Qwsp and Mxyzptlk stand in Magneto’s way, sacrificing themselves for the one who they believe will win this battle for not only them, but for the entire Midget team.
Surfer: You stand alone now.
Magneto: I stand not alone, but with others who have passed on before me.
Magneto flings his cape away and a small sphere, emitting a glow rises.
As the sphere gets closer to the Winger trio, it begins to increase in size. The cosmic forces once contained within Warlock and Cosmic Hulk Robot are pulsating within the sphere containing them. As the sphere increases in velocity, it also increases in size, due to the shielding of the robots who perished before on the battle field. Magneto is controlling the sphere such that the size increases and then decreases, causing additional chain reactions of the cosmic powers contained within.
Magneto: And now. . . the others. . . stand with me!
Magneto unleashes the cosmic bomb which, controlling the magnetism around himself, destroys only that which it is focused upon-Silver Surfer, Zeus and Poseidon. The godlike and cosmic powers wielded by the three are not enough to bypass the explosion’s intensity. The Wingers are destroyed. Magneto looks upon the battlefield. He turns his back and is struck by a barrage of projectiles. Magneto turns around and sees Nick Houslander.
Nick has scavenged the rings of the lantern wielders who have fallen in battle. The rings have shielded Houslander from the blast. Now, not only is he equipped with a blue lightsaber, a devil lance and a double barrel shotgun, he now wears two blue lantern rings, two star sapphire rings, three green lantern rings, an indigo ring and a red lantern ring.
Houslander: COME GET SOME!
Magneto dodges the barrage of lantern projectiles that Houslander throws at him. He stands behind the wreckage and bodies strewn across the battlefield.
Magneto: You forget, Nick!
Nick: What?!?!
Magneto: You forget!!!
Nick: Okay, I’ll bite, what did I forget?!?!
Magneto stands up from behind the carnage.
Magneto: That rings are metal.
Crunching is heard as Nick’s fingers are dislocated by the rings as they rip from his hands. Nick falls to the ground. His is in immense pain and near tears. Magneto comes to him.
Magneto: You have fought valiantly today, Mr. Houslander. You have even outlasted your super-powered brethren. But today shall be known as the day Mr. Nick Houslander suffered his tenth and final death in the FFL. It shall also, more importantly, be the day known as the Brotherhood of Evil Midgets winning the NL Conference Final Match.
Nick (smiling): Maybe. . . Maybe. . . But I’ll be back next year. . . As the phoenix rises, so shall Nick Houslander. . . Better than before. . . Better than ever!!!!
Magneto: Defiant to the end. . . . Maybe you will come back next year better than ever. . . But that is next year, my friend. . . That is next year. . .
A scream is heard as Nick Houslander meets his tenth death: THE BIRD IS THE WORD!!!!
The Right Wing: All dead.
The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets: Only Magneto survives.
THE BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MIDGETS IS VICTORIOUS AND ENTERS THE UNIVERSE BOWL FOR SEASON 4!
Alternate Ending- The Final Melee:
NICKATU AND BRYATU GO TO IHOP AND HAVE THE EGG SCRAMBLER GRAVY SPECIAL. THE TWO ACCIDENTALLY SHART AND KILL THE ENTIRE REMAINING TEAM MEMBERS OF BOTH THE MIDGETS AND WINGERS! BY DEFAULT- MONTANA AND OBAMA ARE THE NL CHAMPS AND B3 IS THE AL CHAMPS! ON TO THE UNIVERSE BOWL!!!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Consolation: Team SP vs Griffin
Team Sleeping Pussy are: S.H.I.E.L.D Agent Reginald "Butterscotch" McTwivent
Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers are: two Separatist Commandos
The two Separatist Commandos are running around Hogwarts, furiously kicking in every door.
"This is taking too long" says "Sexy" Rex Jangstro "Every minute McTwivent lives, we get closer to death"
"Relax, Rex. He's only one man" replies his partner Eli Zohalski
"One man??!!! ONE MAN!" screams Rex as he furiously kicks in another door "Have you been paying attention? This man has basically decimated every opponent that's in front of him. Did you hear what he did to that Goblin? And how he just crushed those 3 video game guys? F**k that, I'm not going down. Hells no."
"Dude, clam down. We're on a hell of a tear too" assures Eli "Just keep your head and we'll be..."
suddenly there's a WHOOM and a flash of light, and the next thing Jangstro knows he hears the sound of Zohalski's helmet hitting the floor, with his teammates head still in it.
"Oh s**t. Oh, f**k." says Rex as he begins to panic.
He wildly starts opening fire, hoping to hit his opponent.
"Where are you??!!! SHOW YOURSELF!!!!" screams the Dope Fiend
"Relax, kid. Relax. I just was hitting the pantry for something. Calm down" smiles "Butterscotch" as he emerges from the potions cabinet.
"What's in your hand? WHAT's IN YOUR F***ING HAND!!!!" scream Rex, who's not so sexy at the moment as he's just finished pissing his pants
"This, this is just an empty bottle" smiles McTwivent "No need to panic. Just relax"
"Yeah? YEAH??!!! What was in the BOTTLE?"
"Oh, something I think you may be familiar with. It's called..how do you pronounce this midi-chlorians??"
"Midi-...oh. F**K!" screams Rex and begins firing as fast as he can at the SHIELD Agent.
Butterscotch pulls his lightsaber as soon as he sees the motions of Rex pulling his trigger finger and deflects every shot, sends one back at Jangtstro-disarming him.
"Well, look at this." smiles McTwivent as he looks at his terrified, unarmed opponent
"You know something kid, this is my last match of the year, so I'm gonna do something special, something just for you."
"Please, just kill me" sobs Rex "I give up"
"Yeah, that's not gonna work for me. I've always wanted to try this, ever since I read about it on the Internet." says McTwivent "It's called a Force Tornado."
"But, but those are..." begins Rex but he's quickly silenced as McTwivent begins to cause the winds to whip up in a fury. The last thought that passes through Rex Jangstro's mind is "I can't believe this is happening". The last thing that passes through Rex's head is the wall of Hogwarts as his head is flattened against the hallowed halls of the magical academy.
Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers: All dead
Team Sleeping Pussy: Reginald "Butterscotch" McTwivent survives
TEAM SLEEPING PUSSY IS VICTORIOUS!!!
Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers are: two Separatist Commandos
The two Separatist Commandos are running around Hogwarts, furiously kicking in every door.
"This is taking too long" says "Sexy" Rex Jangstro "Every minute McTwivent lives, we get closer to death"
"Relax, Rex. He's only one man" replies his partner Eli Zohalski
"One man??!!! ONE MAN!" screams Rex as he furiously kicks in another door "Have you been paying attention? This man has basically decimated every opponent that's in front of him. Did you hear what he did to that Goblin? And how he just crushed those 3 video game guys? F**k that, I'm not going down. Hells no."
"Dude, clam down. We're on a hell of a tear too" assures Eli "Just keep your head and we'll be..."
suddenly there's a WHOOM and a flash of light, and the next thing Jangstro knows he hears the sound of Zohalski's helmet hitting the floor, with his teammates head still in it.
"Oh s**t. Oh, f**k." says Rex as he begins to panic.
He wildly starts opening fire, hoping to hit his opponent.
"Where are you??!!! SHOW YOURSELF!!!!" screams the Dope Fiend
"Relax, kid. Relax. I just was hitting the pantry for something. Calm down" smiles "Butterscotch" as he emerges from the potions cabinet.
"What's in your hand? WHAT's IN YOUR F***ING HAND!!!!" scream Rex, who's not so sexy at the moment as he's just finished pissing his pants
"This, this is just an empty bottle" smiles McTwivent "No need to panic. Just relax"
"Yeah? YEAH??!!! What was in the BOTTLE?"
"Oh, something I think you may be familiar with. It's called..how do you pronounce this midi-chlorians??"
"Midi-...oh. F**K!" screams Rex and begins firing as fast as he can at the SHIELD Agent.
Butterscotch pulls his lightsaber as soon as he sees the motions of Rex pulling his trigger finger and deflects every shot, sends one back at Jangtstro-disarming him.
"Well, look at this." smiles McTwivent as he looks at his terrified, unarmed opponent
"You know something kid, this is my last match of the year, so I'm gonna do something special, something just for you."
"Please, just kill me" sobs Rex "I give up"
"Yeah, that's not gonna work for me. I've always wanted to try this, ever since I read about it on the Internet." says McTwivent "It's called a Force Tornado."
"But, but those are..." begins Rex but he's quickly silenced as McTwivent begins to cause the winds to whip up in a fury. The last thought that passes through Rex Jangstro's mind is "I can't believe this is happening". The last thing that passes through Rex's head is the wall of Hogwarts as his head is flattened against the hallowed halls of the magical academy.
Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers: All dead
Team Sleeping Pussy: Reginald "Butterscotch" McTwivent survives
TEAM SLEEPING PUSSY IS VICTORIOUS!!!
Consolation: Slaves vs Transfoamers
George Washington's Slaves are: Jedi Master 1D and 2D
The Transfoamers are: 2 Hammer Brothers and Little Goomba
The Jedi Masters enter the gigantic Hogwarts bathroom, and notice right away a plethora of beer cans floating in the giant bathtub.
Once again, the Hammer Borthers are Hammered.
"Dude, I don't care what you say. Gaga is pretty friggin hot. Have you seen the videos for 'Telephone' or 'Love Game'? I'd totally let her ride on my disco stick. And by disco stick, I mean c**k" slurs Hammer Brother #1- "Pimptastic" Max
"Gross bro" replies his brother Rudy "I hear she's got a c**k, so you wanna bang a hermie"
"Rude, the only d**k she's gonna have is mine. Gimme another brew" it's then that "Pimptastic" notices the Jedi just standing there, watching the,
"What's up, bro? You some kinda pervs?" stammers Rudy "What kinda dude wears some sissy ass robes and watches two dudes hanging out drinking, shooting the s**t?"
"You two are vile heathens, and we shall enjoy sending you to your death" retorts Jedi 1D as he ignites his lightsaber.
"Whatever, bro. This ain't no rave, put away the glostick." says "Pimptastic" getting agitated
"Whoa, whoa. Hold up Max, maybe these dudes are holding" says Rudy "Yo, bros. You guys got any E? I'll trip with you two poofs"
"Ok, I've had enough" and Jedi 2D force throws his lightsaber, decapitating the two Hammer Brothers, he leaps in the air, does a flip and lands on the Little Goomba destroying the entire Transfoamers team in one fell swoop.
"Sick move, dude" says Jedi 1D "Seriously though, are you holding?"
Jedi 2D pulls out a little baggie and replies "Woo woo woo. You know it, bro. I just ain't sharing with those douchebags. This s**t was expensive. Let's trip."
"WINNING" exclaims Jedi 1D "So...do you think that Gaga really has a d**k??"
The Transfoamers: All dead
George Washington's Slaves: Jedi 1D and 2D survive
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S SLAVES ARE VICTORIOUS!!!
The Transfoamers are: 2 Hammer Brothers and Little Goomba
The Jedi Masters enter the gigantic Hogwarts bathroom, and notice right away a plethora of beer cans floating in the giant bathtub.
Once again, the Hammer Borthers are Hammered.
"Dude, I don't care what you say. Gaga is pretty friggin hot. Have you seen the videos for 'Telephone' or 'Love Game'? I'd totally let her ride on my disco stick. And by disco stick, I mean c**k" slurs Hammer Brother #1- "Pimptastic" Max
"Gross bro" replies his brother Rudy "I hear she's got a c**k, so you wanna bang a hermie"
"Rude, the only d**k she's gonna have is mine. Gimme another brew" it's then that "Pimptastic" notices the Jedi just standing there, watching the,
"What's up, bro? You some kinda pervs?" stammers Rudy "What kinda dude wears some sissy ass robes and watches two dudes hanging out drinking, shooting the s**t?"
"You two are vile heathens, and we shall enjoy sending you to your death" retorts Jedi 1D as he ignites his lightsaber.
"Whatever, bro. This ain't no rave, put away the glostick." says "Pimptastic" getting agitated
"Whoa, whoa. Hold up Max, maybe these dudes are holding" says Rudy "Yo, bros. You guys got any E? I'll trip with you two poofs"
"Ok, I've had enough" and Jedi 2D force throws his lightsaber, decapitating the two Hammer Brothers, he leaps in the air, does a flip and lands on the Little Goomba destroying the entire Transfoamers team in one fell swoop.
"Sick move, dude" says Jedi 1D "Seriously though, are you holding?"
Jedi 2D pulls out a little baggie and replies "Woo woo woo. You know it, bro. I just ain't sharing with those douchebags. This s**t was expensive. Let's trip."
"WINNING" exclaims Jedi 1D "So...do you think that Gaga really has a d**k??"
The Transfoamers: All dead
George Washington's Slaves: Jedi 1D and 2D survive
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S SLAVES ARE VICTORIOUS!!!
Consolation: Layander vs Untouchables
Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family are: Iggy Koopa and Ewok #52
The Untouchables are: Horatio Cane
Horatio Cane enters Hogwarts and begins surveying the scene. He notes the Gothic atmosphere and that there's a type of magic in the air.
He hears a giggle, and scurrying footsteps.
He heads in the direction of the sound, and sees Ewok #52 in front of him.
"Well, hey there little guy." says Horatio "You don't seem like you belong here, how's about I send you back to where you came from" as he pulls out his gun and aims it at the little guy
"YUB!" screams the Ewok as he braces himself for the inevitable Ewok death that is basically standard in a FFL match.
But death's sweet embrace doesn't come for the Ewok
Just as he's about to fire, there's that manic laugh again followed by the sound of a magical scepter begin discharged. Horatio is shot in the back and killed by Iggy Koopa.
Iggy goes over to Horatio's body and begins going through his pockets, until he finds what he's looking for. Horatio's sunglasses.
Still giggling, Iggy stands up, looks at the Ewok and says
"Well, I just hope he had a MAGICAL evening"
Iggy then puts on Horatio's blood splattered sunglasses, and waves his wand to have the opening to the Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" begins playing after he finishes his pun
The Untouchables: All dead
Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family: Iggy Koopa and Ewok #52 survive
LAYANDER'S SUPER ORANGE KITTIES AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER TO MAKE A NEW FAMILY ARE VICTORIOUS!!!
The Untouchables are: Horatio Cane
Horatio Cane enters Hogwarts and begins surveying the scene. He notes the Gothic atmosphere and that there's a type of magic in the air.
He hears a giggle, and scurrying footsteps.
He heads in the direction of the sound, and sees Ewok #52 in front of him.
"Well, hey there little guy." says Horatio "You don't seem like you belong here, how's about I send you back to where you came from" as he pulls out his gun and aims it at the little guy
"YUB!" screams the Ewok as he braces himself for the inevitable Ewok death that is basically standard in a FFL match.
But death's sweet embrace doesn't come for the Ewok
Just as he's about to fire, there's that manic laugh again followed by the sound of a magical scepter begin discharged. Horatio is shot in the back and killed by Iggy Koopa.
Iggy goes over to Horatio's body and begins going through his pockets, until he finds what he's looking for. Horatio's sunglasses.
Still giggling, Iggy stands up, looks at the Ewok and says
"Well, I just hope he had a MAGICAL evening"
Iggy then puts on Horatio's blood splattered sunglasses, and waves his wand to have the opening to the Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" begins playing after he finishes his pun
The Untouchables: All dead
Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family: Iggy Koopa and Ewok #52 survive
LAYANDER'S SUPER ORANGE KITTIES AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER TO MAKE A NEW FAMILY ARE VICTORIOUS!!!
Consolation:Horsemen vs Oblivio
The Horsemen of the Apocalypse are: Harley Quinn
Oblivio are: Zak Saturday w/ blue lightsaber
As the two eliminated AL teams enter the banquet hall of Hogwarts for the battle, Harley Quinn can scarcely believe her eyes as to who her opponent is.
"What the? A kid? With an emo stripe in his hair? Heee hee hee. What're you doing here, kid? This ain't a Hot Topic. Go home, write some crappy poetry and cut yourself because you're so misunderstood before I really put a hurting on ya" she sneers
"I'm Zak Saturday, of the Secret Saturdays lady, and the only thing I'm gonna cut is you" Zak proclaims as he fires up his lightsaber
"Zat so?" replies Harley "Well, I'm about to change you into a Sunday, bloody Sunday"
Harley pulls out her giant mallet as Zak charges her, Zak swings the lightsaber and cuts her mallet in two, destroying the weapon.
"Hey, that was my favorite hammer! No fair" screams Harley
"What's the matter, you have problems hitting a kid?" Zak says confidently
"Oh no, I was just trying to make this interesting. It's not everyday you get to kill a Potterhead in his mecca" Zak again goes to slice Harley with his lightsaber, but she easily dodges his attack, and disarms the kid. Sending his lightsaber rolling across the floor.
"Ok, playtimes over." Harley says "I feel bad for your family, because we're about to have Saturdays mourning. GET IT??!!!"
With that Harley does a wicked cartwheel roundhouse kick that catches Zak in the back of the neck, killing the child.
The Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Harley Quinn lives
Oblivio: All dead
THE HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE ARE VICTORIOUS!!!!
Oblivio are: Zak Saturday w/ blue lightsaber
As the two eliminated AL teams enter the banquet hall of Hogwarts for the battle, Harley Quinn can scarcely believe her eyes as to who her opponent is.
"What the? A kid? With an emo stripe in his hair? Heee hee hee. What're you doing here, kid? This ain't a Hot Topic. Go home, write some crappy poetry and cut yourself because you're so misunderstood before I really put a hurting on ya" she sneers
"I'm Zak Saturday, of the Secret Saturdays lady, and the only thing I'm gonna cut is you" Zak proclaims as he fires up his lightsaber
"Zat so?" replies Harley "Well, I'm about to change you into a Sunday, bloody Sunday"
Harley pulls out her giant mallet as Zak charges her, Zak swings the lightsaber and cuts her mallet in two, destroying the weapon.
"Hey, that was my favorite hammer! No fair" screams Harley
"What's the matter, you have problems hitting a kid?" Zak says confidently
"Oh no, I was just trying to make this interesting. It's not everyday you get to kill a Potterhead in his mecca" Zak again goes to slice Harley with his lightsaber, but she easily dodges his attack, and disarms the kid. Sending his lightsaber rolling across the floor.
"Ok, playtimes over." Harley says "I feel bad for your family, because we're about to have Saturdays mourning. GET IT??!!!"
With that Harley does a wicked cartwheel roundhouse kick that catches Zak in the back of the neck, killing the child.
The Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Harley Quinn lives
Oblivio: All dead
THE HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE ARE VICTORIOUS!!!!
AMERICAN LEAGUE FINALS: TEAM vs Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve
TEAM is Unicron, Michael Demiurgos, The Presence, The Beyonder, Zilla, Black Lantern Dave Bowman, Black Lantern Agent Smith, Black Lantern Pete Sosa, Voltron: Commander Keith Akira Kogane (Black Lion), Lance (Red Lion), Darrell “Pidge” Stoker (Green Lion), Sven Holgersson (Blue Lion), & Hunk Garrett (Yellow Lion), Fortress Maximus w/Cerebros, Galvatron w/Red Lantern ring, Thunderstrike, Ragnarok, Superman (Justice Legion Alpha), Superboy, Comet the Super Horse, Streaks the Super Cat, The Crime Syndicate: Ultraman, Owlman, Power Ring, Johnny Quick & Barracuda, Lor Zod, Mon El, Galactiac, Iron Lantern, Thanoseid, Thorion, God Emperor Leto II, Luke Skywalker, Samus, Bruce Lee, Jack LaLanne, John Wayne and Joe Levine.
Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve is Galactus, Nova w/Green Lantern ring, Firelord, Terrax, Fin Fang Foom, Ahsoka Tano w/Anakin Skywalker’s Lightsaber, Green Lantern #1, Oa Guardian #1 w/Green Lantern ring, Oa Guardians #2-6, Jade w/ Green and Blue Lantern rings, Predacons: Razorclaw, Divebomb, Tantrum, Rampage, & Headstrong, Black Lantern Sentry, Black Lantern Shazam, Shazam (Freddie Freeman), Super-girl (Ariella Kent), Lord Voldemort w/Blue Kryptonite, Scorponok w/ Lord Zarak, Uranus, Gaia, Oceanus, Tethys, Helios, Themis, Daniel LaRusso w/Blue Lightsaber & Green Lantern ring, Indigo 1, Munk, Saint Walker, Kryb, Inhumans: Black Bolt w/Mace Windu’s Lightsaber, Karnack, Triton, & Medusa, Hercules, Ares, Apollo, Steel Superman, Captain Atom, Big Barda, and Charlie Brown.
With their fourth consecutive American League Finals appearance, TEAM prepares to exit their locker room and depart for the Playoff Planet. But before they leave, the starting line-up briefly touches Superman’s cape as it solemnly hangs next to the doorway of TEAM headquarters. Unicron orbits the Playoff Planet for once instead of instantly making his way to devouring it. There is a blinding flash of green light from out in the distance as the Kennelz are lead into battle by the six Oa Guardians. They are followed closely behind by Galactus and his Heralds. Unicron wastes no time and transforms into his absolutely enormous robot form. “Go, my Heralds. Leave this one to me,” bellows Galactus as the two devourers of worlds begin to duke it out in the biggest bar brawl the universe has or will ever see. There is nothing cosmic or elegant with this battle, this is just a down and out dirty fist fight. Galactus literally grabs one of the several moons orbiting the Playoff Planet and launches it at Unicron as if it were a softball. The moon explodes into a million pieces the moment it connects with Unicron’s chest, which sends the planet sized Transformer hurtling backwards through space. Unicron regains his composure and lets out a massive blast of fire breath with hits Galactus square in the face. This attack stuns Galactus and allows Unicron to fly up, grab a hold of Galactus’s helmet and drive his head into his knee. (Whew… ok this fight between these two is going to go on for a while. We’ll come back a little later.)
Back down in the jungle region of the planet, Razorclaw is quickly surrounded by the Voltron Lion Force. “Heh heh heh,” chuckles Razorclaw as the Voltron crew have fallen right into the Predicon leader’s trap. “Predacons!!! Attack!!” Several trees explode as Tantrum and Headstrong bursts through them. Rampage leaps out from his secluded hiding spot and lands right next to Razorclaw. Divebomb swoop in and blankets the surrounding area with blast from his dual particle beam rifles. “Quick fall back and form Voltron!” shouts Commander Kogane. The five Lions leap into the air and for the Defender of the Far Universe. “Predacons!!! Merge and form PREDAKING!!!” growls Razorclaw. They both draw their respective swords out which spark and set the jungle ablaze as they clash. The jungle smokes and burns around them as Voltron advances on Predaking. He fires a blast of energy from his sword but Predaking’s force field protects him from it. Voltron is then marveled at the sheer agility this mammoth being has as Predaking leaps into the air, flipping over Voltron and drives his sword through the back of him. This causes Voltron to break back apart into the individual lions, though the Black Lion is killed by the initial attack. Predaking then grabs a hold of the Blue Lion and viciously rips it in two. The Predacons then break off into their separate forms to continue the slaughter. Tantrum literally “sees red” and charges toward the Red Lion. He hits the lion with an electrical blast from his horns which stuns the Voltron lion long enough for Tantrum to bury his horns deep in the Red Lion’s torso. The two remaining Voltron Lions are then ganged up on and savagely ripped apart by Razorclaw, Headstrong, and Divebomb. Tantrum snorts in triumph as Razorclaw picks up the scent of another possible victim. The five Predacons take off out of the burning jungle and head towards the desert.
Meanwhile, out in the depths of the ocean, Barracuda leads Power Ring, Iron Lantern, Jack LaLanne and Zilla in an attack against the Kennelz water legion. Triton grabs a hold of Jack LaLanne’s ankle and yanks him deep underwater as Fin Fang Foom bursts out of the ocean and attacks Zilla. “Ha! Nice try kid, but I’ve been beating up things ten times your size since before you were a tadpole,” LaLanne says to Triton as he shakes the Inhuman off of him. (Oh by the way, yes, Jack LaLanne is able to speak underwater. This isn’t surprising to you, is it? Because it shouldn’t be.) The creator of the Jumping Jack then dives at Triton and swims around him, he then wraps his legs around the gilled man and crushes his torso with his incredible strong legs. Zilla is having his radioactive-enhanced iguana hands full with the mystical dragon known as Fin Fang Foom. The Iron Man villain sprays the pseudo-Godzilla with a heavy amount of his combustible acid mist all over Zilla’s head. He then grabs a hold of Zilla’s jaws and rips them open a la King Kong/T-Rex style. Iron Lantern then tries to attack Fin Fang Foom and is swatted out of the air and crushed by the dragon’s immense strength. Jack LaLanne then sneaks up the back of Fin Fang Foom and climbs up to the top of his head. “I got this one guys,” he says as he swing off of the dragon’s ear and into Foom’s mouth. The dragon then grabs his throat and begins to cough. He spews out a bit of his acid mist and there is a small yell coming from inside the dragon’s throat. Moments later Fin Fang Foom’s eyes roll back into his head and the monster falls back dead into the water as Jack LaLanne sacrifices himself to send Foom to the Graveyard. Oceanus then is confronted by the Crime Syndicate duo. Though Barracuda is a ruler of the water on his own planet, he is not a god and is quickly killed by Oceanus. Power Ring tries to attack but is snuffed out by the powers of the Titan Tethys. “Ok, why don’t you try and do that to me!” shouts Ultraman as he flies in and right through Tethys, killing the god. “You dare? YOU DARE?!” screams Oceanus as he raises the waters high up around him and Ultraman. “Yeah, I dare. And so do they,” the evil version of Superman responds as Thunderstrike and Ragnarok fly in behind him. The three of them overwhelm the water Titan and finish him off before he can mount an offensive.
Out in the streets of the city Steel Superman, Captain Atom, Big Barda and Charlie Brown are ambushed by Johnny Quick, Samus, Mon El, and Joe Levine. Charlie Brown is quickly taken out by a barbed wire-wrapped baseball bat to the skull by Joe. “I am the whole f’n show of all bald headed short guys!” he yells in victory, though this victory is short lived as Big Barda smacks “the Hebrew Blade’s” with her Mega-rod and snaps his back with the blow. Mon El attacks Steel Superman as Captain Atom defends himself against Samus. Steel Superman is thrown through a building by Mon El. Steel retaliates by launching his sledge hammer at the Daxamite and hitting him in the chest. This actually knocks Mon El down due to Steel creating a sledge hammer out of pure lead for this match. Mon El regains his footing and takes to the skies away from Steel’s hammer. He then uses his freeze breath to encase Steel in a solid block of ice. Mon El then swoops back down and shatters Steel with a powerful punch. Samus, meanwhile, is keeping Captain Atom at bay with quick shot from her Power Suit, but she is eventually overwhelmed by his atomic powers and is vaporized. Mon El then flies up behind Captain Atom and locks him in a full nelson. He then focuses his heat vision at the base of Captain Atom’s skull, but by doing so he ruptures his containment suit and causes a chain reaction that obliterates both of them and lights up the sky. Big Barda is briefly blinded by the explosion, which allows Johnny Quick to speed in and knock her off of her feet. He then uses his super speed to vibrate his hands inside her head and scramble her brain into mush. Johnny Quick then speeds off as the battle continues.
Out in the desert, the Predacons arrive and are immediately attacked by Red Lantern Galvatron. Headstrong is blasted by Galvatron’s arm-mounted cannon which reduces the rhino into ash. Galvatron then flies up into the air and incinerates Rampage with his Red Lantern energy. The three remaining Predacons then descend upon the Decepticon leader in a formulated attack. Divebomb flies in and knocks Galvatron out of the air which opens him up for a vicious attack by Razorclaw. The Predacon leader transforms into his robot form and takes Galvatron’s ring-wielding hand off with his sonic sword. Tantrum then charges at him and spears him down with his horns. Galvatron grabs a hold of Tantrum as his horns are deep inside his own chest and blows a hole through Tantrum with his cannon, thus sending him to the Graveyard. He then in one final act, takes aim and blasts Divebomb out of the air as well (and dealing him his final death) before Razorclaw savagely finishes Galvatron off. Razorclaw transforms into his lion mode and stands proudly atop of Galvatron’s corpse and roars loudly in triumph. The sands beneath the Transformers begin to shake however, which causes Razorclaw to transform back into his robot form. The desert itself explodes as God Emperor Leto II emerges from beneath the sand. Razorclaw defiantly shoot at Leto II as the giant Sandworm comes crashing down on the Predacon leader and kills him for the final time. The desert sky then lights up in a bright array of colors. Oa Guardian #1 leads the squad of Munk, Saint Walker, Kryb and Black Lantern Sentry against God Emperor Leto II. They concentrate all their firepower on the God Emperor. The mighty Sandworm continues to resists their attack and swallows Munk, Kryb and Black Lantern Sentry whole. Oa Guardian #1 increases his attack with his Green Lantern ring and his own immense cosmic power. The side of the God Emperor then, without warning, explodes as Black Lantern Sentry flies out of him. Leto II’s body crashes to the desert floor with a mighty thud.
Back out in space, the epic encounter between Unicron and Galactus continues to wage on. Neither opponent is gaining much ground on the other, nor are they paying any attention to the massive battle that is ensuing around them. The Amalgam Universe trio of Galactiac, Thanoseid and Thorion attack the three Heralds of Galactus as Michael Demiurgos faces off against Themis. “I know Galactus, and let me tell you, you are no Galactus,” Firelord says as he spins his flaming staff around and drives it into the gut of Galactiac, killing him. Nova then uses the combined powers of her Green Lantern ring and the Power Cosmic to incinerate Thorion. Terrax uses his powers to launch several pieces of the shattered moon at Thanoseid, but the amalgamation of Thanos and Darkseid retaliates with a blast of his Omega Effect which destroys Terrax. The other two Heralds of Galactus converge on Thanoseid before he can fire another shot and destroy him. Michael Demiurgos and Themis both know the outcome of their battle and do not wish to prolong either’s suffering. So they both agree to wipe only each other from existence. But in an act of betrayal, microseconds before Michael is eliminated, he takes the life of Gaia as well. The Oa Guardians and Green Lantern #1 are then attacked by TEAM’s three Black Lanterns. Green Lantern #1’s heart is quickly ripped out by Black Lantern Pete Sosa, thus sending her to the Graveyard. BL Pete devours the heart as Green Lantern #1’s ring find its new wielder. It soon finds its way onto Oa Guardian #2’s hand, who then uses it, along with his own cosmic powers, to eradicate Black Lantern Sosa. Black Lantern Dave Bowman engulfs Oa Guardians #3-6 with his incredible cosmic powers and overwhelms them into defeat. Jade flies in to aid Oa Guardian #2 and uses her Green and Blue Lantern rings to incinerate Black Lantern Agent Smith. Black Lantern Dave Bowman then is quadruple teamed by Nova, Firelord, Jade and Oa Guardian #2 and is finally defeated. The four of them are then shocked by a vision they were not expecting to see today…Superman. He appears before them, with his eyes glowing red, when Apollo and Helios arrive to deal with the Man of Steel. “We’ll handle this,” says Apollo. “Clever disguise Yahweh. But you know as well as any of us do, you have no business here,” adds Helios. “Perhaps. But I am here to make sure that you two do not interfere either,” responds the Presence. Superman/Presence’s eyes glow and let out a flash of red light and in that instance; all three gods vanish without a trace. Galactus and Unicron continue to battle each other fiercely. The devastation they have caused around them is catastrophic. Unicron swings his spiked wings around and slashes Galactus’s chest. “Enough! This is fight is over!!” shouts Galactus. He then unleashes the full abilities of the Power Cosmic and annihilates Unicron. This act, however, takes its toll on Galactus and allows The Beyonder to move in for the easy kill. The Beyonder destroys the gravely weakened Galactus with a powerful display of cosmic energy. The Beyonder then turns his attention to the rest of Galactus’s entourage. He eliminates Jade with but a blink of his eyes. Oa Guardian #2 unleashes a blast of cosmic energy entwined with energy from his newly acquired Green Lantern ring, which actually stuns the Beyonder. “For Galactus!!” shouts Nova, as she and Firelord unload all of their cosmic power at the Beyonder. Remarkably, they are able to defeat such a powerful, cosmic being, but not before he takes Oa Guardian #2 out with him.
Meanwhile, the battle continues to rage on back on the Playoff Planet. The squadron of Black Bolt, Karnack, Medusa, Super-girl, Green Lantern Daniel LaRusso and Shazam are entangled in a hellacious battle with (JLA) Superman, Superboy, Lor Zod, Bruce Lee, Owlman, and John Wayne, who is riding upon Comet the Super horse. Karnack attempts to square off against Bruce Lee, but regardless of how extensive of a fighting background the Inhuman has, he is simple no match for Lee and falls to a precise kick to the neck, follow up by a swift kill blow to his heart. Bruce Lee then points at Daniel and says “Time to Enter the Dragon, boy.” The Karate Kid smirks and says “Ok,” as he uses his Green Lantern ring to create a giant green energy dragon that chomps down and bites Lee in half. Daniel is then knocked down by John Wayne flying in on Comet. “Young fella, if you’re looking for trouble, I’ll accommodate ya,” says the stoic Western hero. Daniel gets back to his feet and creates a large green energy crane, but The Duke pulls out his six shooters and starts blasting away at the Karate Kid’s energy bird, forcing him to put up a green energy shield. Comet then uses his super strength to kick through the shield and they finish him off with a combo of .45s and heat vision. Shazam has been busy taking quite a beating from Lor Zod, but is still managing to get back up to continue the fight. Shazam rips a tree right out of the ground, swings it like a baseball bat and smacks Lor Zod high up into the air. Shazam then flies up after him, grabs him in a bear hug and yells “SHAZAM!!” The magical lightening bolt cracks down from the heavens and blasts both of them. The bolt fries Lor Zod and turns Shazam back into Freddie Freeman. The young man beings to plummet back down to the ground and tries to speak the magical word to turn back into his super alter-ego, but (JLA) Superman flies in faster than Freddie can speak and crushes his throat. Unable to speak, Freeman falls to his death as (JLA) Superman targets Black Bolt. Superboy and Super-girl are battling high above the ground in the air, and though Super-girl is immensely powerful, she is simply no match for the young Clark Kent and falls to his heat vision. Owlman has been trying to keep his distance from Medusa’s long powerful hair. The scarlet locks wrap around Owlman’s legs, but the evil Thomas Wayne II uses various weapons from his utility belt to cut himself free. He then flips into the air and slices Medusa’s throat, killing her. Black Bolt sees this and leaps into action. He flies in, ignites his purple lightsaber and lops Owlman’s head clean off. Distraught with rage over his wife’s death, Black Bolt lets out a wild scream that hits and obliterates John Wayne and Comet. He then sees (JLA) Superman and Superboy flying straight for him. Black Bolt takes a wide stance, digs his feet into the ground, pulls back and unleashes the Master Blow at the two Kryptonians. With eyes and ears beginning to bleed, (JLA) Superman and Superboy struggle to stay on course, but somehow manage to get in close to the Inhumans leader. Superboy, however is then taken out by Black Bolt driving his lightsaber into the young Clark Kent’s chest. (JLA) Superman then with all his might, clamps his hand over Black Bolt’s mouth to silence the Inhuman. He then uses the last ounce of his strength to crush the jaw and skull of Black Bolt. (JLA) Superman drops to his knees, exhausted, but knows that this battle is far from over.
Far out in the Arctic, two old foes continue their age old conflict as Scorponok battles Fortress Maximus. They clash as they always have and cause the surrounding mountains to quake with every punch they throw. Scorponok blasts Fortress Maximus with his fusion-powered anti-gravity gun which stuns the Autobot and flings him up into the air. Maximus retaliates by hitting Scorponok with an all out offensive from his various weapons, but the Decepticon blocks most of it with his arm mounted shield. Fortress Maximus then draws out the Master Sword and cuts Scorponok’s head off. This attack proves to be only half successful, as Scorponok, like Fortress Maximus, is a Headmaster and this only destroyed Lord Zarak. Scorponok transforms into his scorpion mode and blast the TEAM Autobot back with 100,000 volts of electricity from his tail. The Kennelz’ Decepticon city-scorpion quickly moves against his Autobot foe and leaps in for the kill. He tries to hit Fortress again with his tail but is skewered by the Master Sword. There is then a flicker a green and blue light up by Fortress’s head. It’s Ahsoka Tano. She jams both lightsabers into the head of the massive Transformer and kills Cerebros. This causes Fortress Maximus to transform into his city-battle station form. Ahsoka finds an opening during the transformation and makes her way deep inside the Autobot. She, however, is confronted by Luke Skywalker, who used the Force to sense what she was doing and followed her inside Fortress Maximus. He attacks her, but she swiftly evades him. She then uses her and her fallen master’s lightsaber to cut into Fortress Maximus’s spark chamber and takes the enormous Transformer out of commission. The two Jedi’s continue to battle as the lights inside the battle station flicker and dim. Luke Force pushes Ahsoka back outside into the icy tundra. “I can sense the rage my father passed on to you, young Padawan,” Luke says to Ahsoka. “You have no idea who or what your father has taught me to be,” retorts Ahsoka. She ignites both lightsabers again and lunges at Luke. She viciously swipes at Skywalker, who is barely able to defend against such raw emotion. He Force pushes her away, but she quickly recovers and leaps into the air towards Luke. He then has no other option but to defend himself and plunge his lightsaber into her chest as she comes down on him. Luke then catches his foe as she falls. “I’m so sorry Ahsoka. You left me no choice. Please say hello to my father,” he says to her as she smiles slightly with a single tear rolling down her face. Ahsoka’s eyes close as she dies for the final time. “Oi mate, let’s go. We still got a bunch o’ dogs dat need ta be put down,” says Johnny Quick as he super speeds in and grabs Luke.
Ultraman, Thunderstrike, and Ragnarok have regrouped with (JLA) Superman out in the grassland. Ultraman grabs the exhausted (JLA) Superman by his cape and drags him high into the air, past the clouds and in direct view of the yellow sun. “Drink it up wimp. We’re not done with these guys just yet,” snorts Ultraman as he leaves (JLA) Superman floating in the sky, soaking in the sun’s radiation. Kal Kent opens his arms and stretches back so to absorb as much as he can and repower. He opens his eyes just in the nick of time. He sees Indigo-1 and Saint Walker flying right at him. (JLA) Superman then uses his super speed and agility to easily dodge their attacks. He finishes them both off in a fashion that was so quick, even I, the Watcher, couldn’t exactly see what he did. Whatever it was, it was so fast that it created several sonic booms in the process and left not trace of either Lantern. “Heh, I guess ‘Ol Future Boy is back to normal,” quips Ultraman to the Thor duo. The three of them are then blindsided by Ares, Hercules and Uranus. Ares jumps on the evil robot Thor and drives his Axe deep into his cranium. He yanks it out and slams it down several more times until Ragnarok is reduced to nothing more than a pile of servos and synthetic flesh. Hercules uppercuts Thunderstrike up into the air, but he recovers quickly and launches his hammer right into Herc’s face. Thunderstrike calls his hammer back as he jumps in front of the fallen demi-god. He brings down his hammer hard on Hercules and kills the son of Zeus. Ultraman is knocked back by a powerful blow from Uranus, but he retaliates with a blast of heat vision. Uranus is stunned by this, but is unrelenting on his attack against Ultraman. He is about to finish him off, when Uranus cries out in pain and the sky behind him turns red. The Titan is reduced to ash and when his burnt husk blows away in the wind, Ultraman focuses in on his savior, (JLA) Superman. The two Supermen and Thunderstrike are then joined by Streaks the Super Cat, Johnny Quick and Luke Skywalker. They heard a thunderous boom come from the sky and they all look at Thunderstrike. “It wasn’t me,” he quickly replies. They look up to see the skies turn a deep hue of green as Oa Guardian #1 leads Nova, Firelord and the Kennelz two Black Lanterns down to the final confrontation. Ultraman is hit by a green energy blast by Nova’s Green Lantern ring and is send hurtling backwards. Ares then arrogantly charges towards his opposition before the rest of his teammates actually arrive. In by doing so, he ends up being tripled teamed by (JLA) Superman, Thunderstrike and Luke Skywalker, who overwhelm the god and ultimately defeat him.
Ultraman shakes the stars from his eyes and gets back to his feet. He is about to return to the battle when he hears a strange voice whisper behind him “Petrificus Totalus.” This causes Ultraman to freeze in place and is unable to move no matter how hard he struggles for freedom. Lord Voldemort slinks out from behind the trees and places a chunk of Blue Kryptonite in Ultraman’s hand. “Here hold that for me while I go kill the rest of your team,” Voldemort says as he walks away from Ultraman who is now in agonizing pain from the Blue Kryptonite. Though the piece of blue K is greatly weakening Ultraman, he somehow breaks free of the full body-bind curse and tosses the azure-hued rock into the atmosphere. “Come….here…you…pasty bald…freak,” Ultraman pants as he goes to attack Voldemort. But the dark wizard snaps around and shouts “Avada Kedavra” as he blasts Ultraman into oblivion with the Killing Curse.
Back in the main battle, Black Lanterns Sentry and Shazam make quick work of Streaks, and rip the feline to pieces as they devour the Super Cat. They are then split up by (JLA) Superman and Thunderstrike. Black Lantern Shazam has been very familiar with battling “Superman” on TEAM, as he was once a member of the “Superman Kill Squad” on the Horsemen of Apokolips. Unfortunately for him, regardless of which Superman it is, the results are the same. (JLA) Superman uses a combination of several of his vast superpowers to eradicate the zombified Billy Batson. Thunderstrike hits Black Lantern Sentry with a couple strong lightening bolts, but BL Sentry continues to advance. The pseudo-Thor brings his hammer up and smashes the Black Lantern’s head in. but it rapidly regenerates to the surprise of Thunderstrike. Black Lantern Sentry then grabs a hold of Thunderstrike’s shoulders and tears his entire body in half. He then plunges his hand into the husk, rips out Thunderstrike’s heart and feasts on it. Johnny Quick, meanwhile, is evading every blast of energy Oa Guardian #1 is throwing at him. He even manages to vibrate his body at such a high frequency, that a blast actually just passes right through him. The Oa Guardian lands on the ground to unleash a broad blast of green/cosmic energy, when Luke Skywalker surprises him with a Force push and follows up with a quick lightsaber slash across the neck. “Whew, thanks mate. I owe you one,” Johnny Quick says. But that return favor will have to wait as he is incinerated by Firelord. Luke Skywalker and (JLA) Superman now find themselves at a 2 to 1 disadvantage. The two Heralds of Galactus and Black Lantern Sentry triple team (JLA) Superman while Lord Voldemort attacks Luke Skywalker. “We’ve got the Kryptonian. Go help Voldemort take care of the Jedi Knight,” orders Nova to Black Lantern Sentry. The reincarnated Bob Reynolds then makes a u-turn and flies back down to the ground. Luke blocks several bolts of dark magic that Lord Voldemort fires at him. He then sees BL Sentry coming for him out of the corner of his eye. “Avada Kedavra,” shouts Voldemort as a green lightening bolt shoots out from his wand. Luke then concentrates and uses the Force to grab BL Sentry out of mid air and into the path of the Killing Curse. He then runs in, slides down and jams his lightsaber into Black Lantern Sentry as he is being hit by his own teammate’s attack. The Black Lantern explodes from the magical curse and Luke’s own strike. “Clever, boy. But it will help you not,” sneers Voldemort.
High up in the air, (JLA) Superman fends off the two Heralds of Galactus. Firelord spins his fire staff around and shoots multiple balls of cosmic fire at Kal Kent, which sends him hurtling backwards through the sky. Nova swoops in and creates a green energy construct of Galactus himself to try and finish (JLA) Superman off while sparks continue to fly from the battle happening on the ground below. The green energy Galactus grabs a hold of (JLA) Superman and attempts to crush the very life out of him. But with all his might, (JLA) Superman breaks free and destroys the huge construct. He then flies in at almost the speed of light and punches right through Firelord’s chest, thus sending him to the Graveyard. “You will not survive this day,” he says as he turns and points to Nova. “Neither will you!” she yells back as she spear tackles him. They spin out of control in the air, viciously battling each other. Nova knows that (JLA) Superman is right and that this is a battle she cannot win, but she also knows that it is one that she does not necessarily have to lose either. She focuses deeply within herself and lets out the full potential of her Power Cosmic along with every last ounce of sheer will power, which she has manifested into pure green energy. The blast is so bright and powerful that completely obliterates both her and (JLA) Superman for this plane of existence.
The blast from Nova and (JLA) Superman’s deaths knock both Luke Skywalker and Lord Voldemort down as they continue their battle. The two final combatants of this American League Finals both get back to their feet and charge each other. Voldemort shouts “Sectumsempra!” and fires a curse at the Jedi. Luke, however, uses the Force to “see” the invisible blades coming at him and is able to block them with his lightsaber. He Force pushes the dark wizard back and tries to mount an offensive. Voldemort is knocked down by the Force push but quickly retaliates from the ground by conjuring up Fiendfyre in the form of a monstrous Rancor. The flaming roaring Rancor attack Luke and singes his Jedi robe, causing him to toss it to the ground. Backed up against a tree, Luke calms his mind and focuses. He then destroys the Fiendfyre with an incredible Force push. “Imperio!!” Voldemort shouts as he tries to take control of Luke. But the sheer will of the Jedi Knight is too great and is amazingly able to resist the curse. Luke ignites his lightsaber once more and leaps at Lord Voldemort. He shouts “Crucio” and knocks Luke down with a curse that causes Skywalker an incredible amount of pain. But the Jedi Knight refuses to stay down, even though the pain coursing through his body is almost unimaginable. With lightsaber in hand, Luke leaps into the air, but Voldemort smiles slightly just before yelling “Avada Kedavra!!” and hitting Luke Skywalker with the Killing Curse, thus sending the Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve to the Universe Bowl!
Epilogue:
Back in TEAM’s headquarters, the starting line up all regenerate and slowly walk back into the locker room. Griffin Poteracki rockets a beer bottle at them which barely misses (JLA) Superman’s head. “WHAT THE F#@K GUYS?!! I SHOULD SKULL F#@K ALL OF YOU! THOR AND I COULD HAVE TAKEN OUT ALL OF THOSE MOTHERF#@#ERS BY OURSELVES!!” he shouts in utter anger. Thor is standing right in the path of Ultraman as he tries to walk in. “Never send a man to do a god’s job,” Thor sternly says to Ultraman as he walks past him. On Thor’s way out of the locker room, he grabs Superman’s tattered cape from off the wall and turns back to Ultraman. “If Clark were still here he would have made sure I went out there today.”
MICHAEL VICK’S BAD NEWZ KENNELZ OF LURVE IS VICTORIOUS AND ADVANCES TO THE UNIVERSE BOWL!!
Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve is Galactus, Nova w/Green Lantern ring, Firelord, Terrax, Fin Fang Foom, Ahsoka Tano w/Anakin Skywalker’s Lightsaber, Green Lantern #1, Oa Guardian #1 w/Green Lantern ring, Oa Guardians #2-6, Jade w/ Green and Blue Lantern rings, Predacons: Razorclaw, Divebomb, Tantrum, Rampage, & Headstrong, Black Lantern Sentry, Black Lantern Shazam, Shazam (Freddie Freeman), Super-girl (Ariella Kent), Lord Voldemort w/Blue Kryptonite, Scorponok w/ Lord Zarak, Uranus, Gaia, Oceanus, Tethys, Helios, Themis, Daniel LaRusso w/Blue Lightsaber & Green Lantern ring, Indigo 1, Munk, Saint Walker, Kryb, Inhumans: Black Bolt w/Mace Windu’s Lightsaber, Karnack, Triton, & Medusa, Hercules, Ares, Apollo, Steel Superman, Captain Atom, Big Barda, and Charlie Brown.
With their fourth consecutive American League Finals appearance, TEAM prepares to exit their locker room and depart for the Playoff Planet. But before they leave, the starting line-up briefly touches Superman’s cape as it solemnly hangs next to the doorway of TEAM headquarters. Unicron orbits the Playoff Planet for once instead of instantly making his way to devouring it. There is a blinding flash of green light from out in the distance as the Kennelz are lead into battle by the six Oa Guardians. They are followed closely behind by Galactus and his Heralds. Unicron wastes no time and transforms into his absolutely enormous robot form. “Go, my Heralds. Leave this one to me,” bellows Galactus as the two devourers of worlds begin to duke it out in the biggest bar brawl the universe has or will ever see. There is nothing cosmic or elegant with this battle, this is just a down and out dirty fist fight. Galactus literally grabs one of the several moons orbiting the Playoff Planet and launches it at Unicron as if it were a softball. The moon explodes into a million pieces the moment it connects with Unicron’s chest, which sends the planet sized Transformer hurtling backwards through space. Unicron regains his composure and lets out a massive blast of fire breath with hits Galactus square in the face. This attack stuns Galactus and allows Unicron to fly up, grab a hold of Galactus’s helmet and drive his head into his knee. (Whew… ok this fight between these two is going to go on for a while. We’ll come back a little later.)
Back down in the jungle region of the planet, Razorclaw is quickly surrounded by the Voltron Lion Force. “Heh heh heh,” chuckles Razorclaw as the Voltron crew have fallen right into the Predicon leader’s trap. “Predacons!!! Attack!!” Several trees explode as Tantrum and Headstrong bursts through them. Rampage leaps out from his secluded hiding spot and lands right next to Razorclaw. Divebomb swoop in and blankets the surrounding area with blast from his dual particle beam rifles. “Quick fall back and form Voltron!” shouts Commander Kogane. The five Lions leap into the air and for the Defender of the Far Universe. “Predacons!!! Merge and form PREDAKING!!!” growls Razorclaw. They both draw their respective swords out which spark and set the jungle ablaze as they clash. The jungle smokes and burns around them as Voltron advances on Predaking. He fires a blast of energy from his sword but Predaking’s force field protects him from it. Voltron is then marveled at the sheer agility this mammoth being has as Predaking leaps into the air, flipping over Voltron and drives his sword through the back of him. This causes Voltron to break back apart into the individual lions, though the Black Lion is killed by the initial attack. Predaking then grabs a hold of the Blue Lion and viciously rips it in two. The Predacons then break off into their separate forms to continue the slaughter. Tantrum literally “sees red” and charges toward the Red Lion. He hits the lion with an electrical blast from his horns which stuns the Voltron lion long enough for Tantrum to bury his horns deep in the Red Lion’s torso. The two remaining Voltron Lions are then ganged up on and savagely ripped apart by Razorclaw, Headstrong, and Divebomb. Tantrum snorts in triumph as Razorclaw picks up the scent of another possible victim. The five Predacons take off out of the burning jungle and head towards the desert.
Meanwhile, out in the depths of the ocean, Barracuda leads Power Ring, Iron Lantern, Jack LaLanne and Zilla in an attack against the Kennelz water legion. Triton grabs a hold of Jack LaLanne’s ankle and yanks him deep underwater as Fin Fang Foom bursts out of the ocean and attacks Zilla. “Ha! Nice try kid, but I’ve been beating up things ten times your size since before you were a tadpole,” LaLanne says to Triton as he shakes the Inhuman off of him. (Oh by the way, yes, Jack LaLanne is able to speak underwater. This isn’t surprising to you, is it? Because it shouldn’t be.) The creator of the Jumping Jack then dives at Triton and swims around him, he then wraps his legs around the gilled man and crushes his torso with his incredible strong legs. Zilla is having his radioactive-enhanced iguana hands full with the mystical dragon known as Fin Fang Foom. The Iron Man villain sprays the pseudo-Godzilla with a heavy amount of his combustible acid mist all over Zilla’s head. He then grabs a hold of Zilla’s jaws and rips them open a la King Kong/T-Rex style. Iron Lantern then tries to attack Fin Fang Foom and is swatted out of the air and crushed by the dragon’s immense strength. Jack LaLanne then sneaks up the back of Fin Fang Foom and climbs up to the top of his head. “I got this one guys,” he says as he swing off of the dragon’s ear and into Foom’s mouth. The dragon then grabs his throat and begins to cough. He spews out a bit of his acid mist and there is a small yell coming from inside the dragon’s throat. Moments later Fin Fang Foom’s eyes roll back into his head and the monster falls back dead into the water as Jack LaLanne sacrifices himself to send Foom to the Graveyard. Oceanus then is confronted by the Crime Syndicate duo. Though Barracuda is a ruler of the water on his own planet, he is not a god and is quickly killed by Oceanus. Power Ring tries to attack but is snuffed out by the powers of the Titan Tethys. “Ok, why don’t you try and do that to me!” shouts Ultraman as he flies in and right through Tethys, killing the god. “You dare? YOU DARE?!” screams Oceanus as he raises the waters high up around him and Ultraman. “Yeah, I dare. And so do they,” the evil version of Superman responds as Thunderstrike and Ragnarok fly in behind him. The three of them overwhelm the water Titan and finish him off before he can mount an offensive.
Out in the streets of the city Steel Superman, Captain Atom, Big Barda and Charlie Brown are ambushed by Johnny Quick, Samus, Mon El, and Joe Levine. Charlie Brown is quickly taken out by a barbed wire-wrapped baseball bat to the skull by Joe. “I am the whole f’n show of all bald headed short guys!” he yells in victory, though this victory is short lived as Big Barda smacks “the Hebrew Blade’s” with her Mega-rod and snaps his back with the blow. Mon El attacks Steel Superman as Captain Atom defends himself against Samus. Steel Superman is thrown through a building by Mon El. Steel retaliates by launching his sledge hammer at the Daxamite and hitting him in the chest. This actually knocks Mon El down due to Steel creating a sledge hammer out of pure lead for this match. Mon El regains his footing and takes to the skies away from Steel’s hammer. He then uses his freeze breath to encase Steel in a solid block of ice. Mon El then swoops back down and shatters Steel with a powerful punch. Samus, meanwhile, is keeping Captain Atom at bay with quick shot from her Power Suit, but she is eventually overwhelmed by his atomic powers and is vaporized. Mon El then flies up behind Captain Atom and locks him in a full nelson. He then focuses his heat vision at the base of Captain Atom’s skull, but by doing so he ruptures his containment suit and causes a chain reaction that obliterates both of them and lights up the sky. Big Barda is briefly blinded by the explosion, which allows Johnny Quick to speed in and knock her off of her feet. He then uses his super speed to vibrate his hands inside her head and scramble her brain into mush. Johnny Quick then speeds off as the battle continues.
Out in the desert, the Predacons arrive and are immediately attacked by Red Lantern Galvatron. Headstrong is blasted by Galvatron’s arm-mounted cannon which reduces the rhino into ash. Galvatron then flies up into the air and incinerates Rampage with his Red Lantern energy. The three remaining Predacons then descend upon the Decepticon leader in a formulated attack. Divebomb flies in and knocks Galvatron out of the air which opens him up for a vicious attack by Razorclaw. The Predacon leader transforms into his robot form and takes Galvatron’s ring-wielding hand off with his sonic sword. Tantrum then charges at him and spears him down with his horns. Galvatron grabs a hold of Tantrum as his horns are deep inside his own chest and blows a hole through Tantrum with his cannon, thus sending him to the Graveyard. He then in one final act, takes aim and blasts Divebomb out of the air as well (and dealing him his final death) before Razorclaw savagely finishes Galvatron off. Razorclaw transforms into his lion mode and stands proudly atop of Galvatron’s corpse and roars loudly in triumph. The sands beneath the Transformers begin to shake however, which causes Razorclaw to transform back into his robot form. The desert itself explodes as God Emperor Leto II emerges from beneath the sand. Razorclaw defiantly shoot at Leto II as the giant Sandworm comes crashing down on the Predacon leader and kills him for the final time. The desert sky then lights up in a bright array of colors. Oa Guardian #1 leads the squad of Munk, Saint Walker, Kryb and Black Lantern Sentry against God Emperor Leto II. They concentrate all their firepower on the God Emperor. The mighty Sandworm continues to resists their attack and swallows Munk, Kryb and Black Lantern Sentry whole. Oa Guardian #1 increases his attack with his Green Lantern ring and his own immense cosmic power. The side of the God Emperor then, without warning, explodes as Black Lantern Sentry flies out of him. Leto II’s body crashes to the desert floor with a mighty thud.
Back out in space, the epic encounter between Unicron and Galactus continues to wage on. Neither opponent is gaining much ground on the other, nor are they paying any attention to the massive battle that is ensuing around them. The Amalgam Universe trio of Galactiac, Thanoseid and Thorion attack the three Heralds of Galactus as Michael Demiurgos faces off against Themis. “I know Galactus, and let me tell you, you are no Galactus,” Firelord says as he spins his flaming staff around and drives it into the gut of Galactiac, killing him. Nova then uses the combined powers of her Green Lantern ring and the Power Cosmic to incinerate Thorion. Terrax uses his powers to launch several pieces of the shattered moon at Thanoseid, but the amalgamation of Thanos and Darkseid retaliates with a blast of his Omega Effect which destroys Terrax. The other two Heralds of Galactus converge on Thanoseid before he can fire another shot and destroy him. Michael Demiurgos and Themis both know the outcome of their battle and do not wish to prolong either’s suffering. So they both agree to wipe only each other from existence. But in an act of betrayal, microseconds before Michael is eliminated, he takes the life of Gaia as well. The Oa Guardians and Green Lantern #1 are then attacked by TEAM’s three Black Lanterns. Green Lantern #1’s heart is quickly ripped out by Black Lantern Pete Sosa, thus sending her to the Graveyard. BL Pete devours the heart as Green Lantern #1’s ring find its new wielder. It soon finds its way onto Oa Guardian #2’s hand, who then uses it, along with his own cosmic powers, to eradicate Black Lantern Sosa. Black Lantern Dave Bowman engulfs Oa Guardians #3-6 with his incredible cosmic powers and overwhelms them into defeat. Jade flies in to aid Oa Guardian #2 and uses her Green and Blue Lantern rings to incinerate Black Lantern Agent Smith. Black Lantern Dave Bowman then is quadruple teamed by Nova, Firelord, Jade and Oa Guardian #2 and is finally defeated. The four of them are then shocked by a vision they were not expecting to see today…Superman. He appears before them, with his eyes glowing red, when Apollo and Helios arrive to deal with the Man of Steel. “We’ll handle this,” says Apollo. “Clever disguise Yahweh. But you know as well as any of us do, you have no business here,” adds Helios. “Perhaps. But I am here to make sure that you two do not interfere either,” responds the Presence. Superman/Presence’s eyes glow and let out a flash of red light and in that instance; all three gods vanish without a trace. Galactus and Unicron continue to battle each other fiercely. The devastation they have caused around them is catastrophic. Unicron swings his spiked wings around and slashes Galactus’s chest. “Enough! This is fight is over!!” shouts Galactus. He then unleashes the full abilities of the Power Cosmic and annihilates Unicron. This act, however, takes its toll on Galactus and allows The Beyonder to move in for the easy kill. The Beyonder destroys the gravely weakened Galactus with a powerful display of cosmic energy. The Beyonder then turns his attention to the rest of Galactus’s entourage. He eliminates Jade with but a blink of his eyes. Oa Guardian #2 unleashes a blast of cosmic energy entwined with energy from his newly acquired Green Lantern ring, which actually stuns the Beyonder. “For Galactus!!” shouts Nova, as she and Firelord unload all of their cosmic power at the Beyonder. Remarkably, they are able to defeat such a powerful, cosmic being, but not before he takes Oa Guardian #2 out with him.
Meanwhile, the battle continues to rage on back on the Playoff Planet. The squadron of Black Bolt, Karnack, Medusa, Super-girl, Green Lantern Daniel LaRusso and Shazam are entangled in a hellacious battle with (JLA) Superman, Superboy, Lor Zod, Bruce Lee, Owlman, and John Wayne, who is riding upon Comet the Super horse. Karnack attempts to square off against Bruce Lee, but regardless of how extensive of a fighting background the Inhuman has, he is simple no match for Lee and falls to a precise kick to the neck, follow up by a swift kill blow to his heart. Bruce Lee then points at Daniel and says “Time to Enter the Dragon, boy.” The Karate Kid smirks and says “Ok,” as he uses his Green Lantern ring to create a giant green energy dragon that chomps down and bites Lee in half. Daniel is then knocked down by John Wayne flying in on Comet. “Young fella, if you’re looking for trouble, I’ll accommodate ya,” says the stoic Western hero. Daniel gets back to his feet and creates a large green energy crane, but The Duke pulls out his six shooters and starts blasting away at the Karate Kid’s energy bird, forcing him to put up a green energy shield. Comet then uses his super strength to kick through the shield and they finish him off with a combo of .45s and heat vision. Shazam has been busy taking quite a beating from Lor Zod, but is still managing to get back up to continue the fight. Shazam rips a tree right out of the ground, swings it like a baseball bat and smacks Lor Zod high up into the air. Shazam then flies up after him, grabs him in a bear hug and yells “SHAZAM!!” The magical lightening bolt cracks down from the heavens and blasts both of them. The bolt fries Lor Zod and turns Shazam back into Freddie Freeman. The young man beings to plummet back down to the ground and tries to speak the magical word to turn back into his super alter-ego, but (JLA) Superman flies in faster than Freddie can speak and crushes his throat. Unable to speak, Freeman falls to his death as (JLA) Superman targets Black Bolt. Superboy and Super-girl are battling high above the ground in the air, and though Super-girl is immensely powerful, she is simply no match for the young Clark Kent and falls to his heat vision. Owlman has been trying to keep his distance from Medusa’s long powerful hair. The scarlet locks wrap around Owlman’s legs, but the evil Thomas Wayne II uses various weapons from his utility belt to cut himself free. He then flips into the air and slices Medusa’s throat, killing her. Black Bolt sees this and leaps into action. He flies in, ignites his purple lightsaber and lops Owlman’s head clean off. Distraught with rage over his wife’s death, Black Bolt lets out a wild scream that hits and obliterates John Wayne and Comet. He then sees (JLA) Superman and Superboy flying straight for him. Black Bolt takes a wide stance, digs his feet into the ground, pulls back and unleashes the Master Blow at the two Kryptonians. With eyes and ears beginning to bleed, (JLA) Superman and Superboy struggle to stay on course, but somehow manage to get in close to the Inhumans leader. Superboy, however is then taken out by Black Bolt driving his lightsaber into the young Clark Kent’s chest. (JLA) Superman then with all his might, clamps his hand over Black Bolt’s mouth to silence the Inhuman. He then uses the last ounce of his strength to crush the jaw and skull of Black Bolt. (JLA) Superman drops to his knees, exhausted, but knows that this battle is far from over.
Far out in the Arctic, two old foes continue their age old conflict as Scorponok battles Fortress Maximus. They clash as they always have and cause the surrounding mountains to quake with every punch they throw. Scorponok blasts Fortress Maximus with his fusion-powered anti-gravity gun which stuns the Autobot and flings him up into the air. Maximus retaliates by hitting Scorponok with an all out offensive from his various weapons, but the Decepticon blocks most of it with his arm mounted shield. Fortress Maximus then draws out the Master Sword and cuts Scorponok’s head off. This attack proves to be only half successful, as Scorponok, like Fortress Maximus, is a Headmaster and this only destroyed Lord Zarak. Scorponok transforms into his scorpion mode and blast the TEAM Autobot back with 100,000 volts of electricity from his tail. The Kennelz’ Decepticon city-scorpion quickly moves against his Autobot foe and leaps in for the kill. He tries to hit Fortress again with his tail but is skewered by the Master Sword. There is then a flicker a green and blue light up by Fortress’s head. It’s Ahsoka Tano. She jams both lightsabers into the head of the massive Transformer and kills Cerebros. This causes Fortress Maximus to transform into his city-battle station form. Ahsoka finds an opening during the transformation and makes her way deep inside the Autobot. She, however, is confronted by Luke Skywalker, who used the Force to sense what she was doing and followed her inside Fortress Maximus. He attacks her, but she swiftly evades him. She then uses her and her fallen master’s lightsaber to cut into Fortress Maximus’s spark chamber and takes the enormous Transformer out of commission. The two Jedi’s continue to battle as the lights inside the battle station flicker and dim. Luke Force pushes Ahsoka back outside into the icy tundra. “I can sense the rage my father passed on to you, young Padawan,” Luke says to Ahsoka. “You have no idea who or what your father has taught me to be,” retorts Ahsoka. She ignites both lightsabers again and lunges at Luke. She viciously swipes at Skywalker, who is barely able to defend against such raw emotion. He Force pushes her away, but she quickly recovers and leaps into the air towards Luke. He then has no other option but to defend himself and plunge his lightsaber into her chest as she comes down on him. Luke then catches his foe as she falls. “I’m so sorry Ahsoka. You left me no choice. Please say hello to my father,” he says to her as she smiles slightly with a single tear rolling down her face. Ahsoka’s eyes close as she dies for the final time. “Oi mate, let’s go. We still got a bunch o’ dogs dat need ta be put down,” says Johnny Quick as he super speeds in and grabs Luke.
Ultraman, Thunderstrike, and Ragnarok have regrouped with (JLA) Superman out in the grassland. Ultraman grabs the exhausted (JLA) Superman by his cape and drags him high into the air, past the clouds and in direct view of the yellow sun. “Drink it up wimp. We’re not done with these guys just yet,” snorts Ultraman as he leaves (JLA) Superman floating in the sky, soaking in the sun’s radiation. Kal Kent opens his arms and stretches back so to absorb as much as he can and repower. He opens his eyes just in the nick of time. He sees Indigo-1 and Saint Walker flying right at him. (JLA) Superman then uses his super speed and agility to easily dodge their attacks. He finishes them both off in a fashion that was so quick, even I, the Watcher, couldn’t exactly see what he did. Whatever it was, it was so fast that it created several sonic booms in the process and left not trace of either Lantern. “Heh, I guess ‘Ol Future Boy is back to normal,” quips Ultraman to the Thor duo. The three of them are then blindsided by Ares, Hercules and Uranus. Ares jumps on the evil robot Thor and drives his Axe deep into his cranium. He yanks it out and slams it down several more times until Ragnarok is reduced to nothing more than a pile of servos and synthetic flesh. Hercules uppercuts Thunderstrike up into the air, but he recovers quickly and launches his hammer right into Herc’s face. Thunderstrike calls his hammer back as he jumps in front of the fallen demi-god. He brings down his hammer hard on Hercules and kills the son of Zeus. Ultraman is knocked back by a powerful blow from Uranus, but he retaliates with a blast of heat vision. Uranus is stunned by this, but is unrelenting on his attack against Ultraman. He is about to finish him off, when Uranus cries out in pain and the sky behind him turns red. The Titan is reduced to ash and when his burnt husk blows away in the wind, Ultraman focuses in on his savior, (JLA) Superman. The two Supermen and Thunderstrike are then joined by Streaks the Super Cat, Johnny Quick and Luke Skywalker. They heard a thunderous boom come from the sky and they all look at Thunderstrike. “It wasn’t me,” he quickly replies. They look up to see the skies turn a deep hue of green as Oa Guardian #1 leads Nova, Firelord and the Kennelz two Black Lanterns down to the final confrontation. Ultraman is hit by a green energy blast by Nova’s Green Lantern ring and is send hurtling backwards. Ares then arrogantly charges towards his opposition before the rest of his teammates actually arrive. In by doing so, he ends up being tripled teamed by (JLA) Superman, Thunderstrike and Luke Skywalker, who overwhelm the god and ultimately defeat him.
Ultraman shakes the stars from his eyes and gets back to his feet. He is about to return to the battle when he hears a strange voice whisper behind him “Petrificus Totalus.” This causes Ultraman to freeze in place and is unable to move no matter how hard he struggles for freedom. Lord Voldemort slinks out from behind the trees and places a chunk of Blue Kryptonite in Ultraman’s hand. “Here hold that for me while I go kill the rest of your team,” Voldemort says as he walks away from Ultraman who is now in agonizing pain from the Blue Kryptonite. Though the piece of blue K is greatly weakening Ultraman, he somehow breaks free of the full body-bind curse and tosses the azure-hued rock into the atmosphere. “Come….here…you…pasty bald…freak,” Ultraman pants as he goes to attack Voldemort. But the dark wizard snaps around and shouts “Avada Kedavra” as he blasts Ultraman into oblivion with the Killing Curse.
Back in the main battle, Black Lanterns Sentry and Shazam make quick work of Streaks, and rip the feline to pieces as they devour the Super Cat. They are then split up by (JLA) Superman and Thunderstrike. Black Lantern Shazam has been very familiar with battling “Superman” on TEAM, as he was once a member of the “Superman Kill Squad” on the Horsemen of Apokolips. Unfortunately for him, regardless of which Superman it is, the results are the same. (JLA) Superman uses a combination of several of his vast superpowers to eradicate the zombified Billy Batson. Thunderstrike hits Black Lantern Sentry with a couple strong lightening bolts, but BL Sentry continues to advance. The pseudo-Thor brings his hammer up and smashes the Black Lantern’s head in. but it rapidly regenerates to the surprise of Thunderstrike. Black Lantern Sentry then grabs a hold of Thunderstrike’s shoulders and tears his entire body in half. He then plunges his hand into the husk, rips out Thunderstrike’s heart and feasts on it. Johnny Quick, meanwhile, is evading every blast of energy Oa Guardian #1 is throwing at him. He even manages to vibrate his body at such a high frequency, that a blast actually just passes right through him. The Oa Guardian lands on the ground to unleash a broad blast of green/cosmic energy, when Luke Skywalker surprises him with a Force push and follows up with a quick lightsaber slash across the neck. “Whew, thanks mate. I owe you one,” Johnny Quick says. But that return favor will have to wait as he is incinerated by Firelord. Luke Skywalker and (JLA) Superman now find themselves at a 2 to 1 disadvantage. The two Heralds of Galactus and Black Lantern Sentry triple team (JLA) Superman while Lord Voldemort attacks Luke Skywalker. “We’ve got the Kryptonian. Go help Voldemort take care of the Jedi Knight,” orders Nova to Black Lantern Sentry. The reincarnated Bob Reynolds then makes a u-turn and flies back down to the ground. Luke blocks several bolts of dark magic that Lord Voldemort fires at him. He then sees BL Sentry coming for him out of the corner of his eye. “Avada Kedavra,” shouts Voldemort as a green lightening bolt shoots out from his wand. Luke then concentrates and uses the Force to grab BL Sentry out of mid air and into the path of the Killing Curse. He then runs in, slides down and jams his lightsaber into Black Lantern Sentry as he is being hit by his own teammate’s attack. The Black Lantern explodes from the magical curse and Luke’s own strike. “Clever, boy. But it will help you not,” sneers Voldemort.
High up in the air, (JLA) Superman fends off the two Heralds of Galactus. Firelord spins his fire staff around and shoots multiple balls of cosmic fire at Kal Kent, which sends him hurtling backwards through the sky. Nova swoops in and creates a green energy construct of Galactus himself to try and finish (JLA) Superman off while sparks continue to fly from the battle happening on the ground below. The green energy Galactus grabs a hold of (JLA) Superman and attempts to crush the very life out of him. But with all his might, (JLA) Superman breaks free and destroys the huge construct. He then flies in at almost the speed of light and punches right through Firelord’s chest, thus sending him to the Graveyard. “You will not survive this day,” he says as he turns and points to Nova. “Neither will you!” she yells back as she spear tackles him. They spin out of control in the air, viciously battling each other. Nova knows that (JLA) Superman is right and that this is a battle she cannot win, but she also knows that it is one that she does not necessarily have to lose either. She focuses deeply within herself and lets out the full potential of her Power Cosmic along with every last ounce of sheer will power, which she has manifested into pure green energy. The blast is so bright and powerful that completely obliterates both her and (JLA) Superman for this plane of existence.
The blast from Nova and (JLA) Superman’s deaths knock both Luke Skywalker and Lord Voldemort down as they continue their battle. The two final combatants of this American League Finals both get back to their feet and charge each other. Voldemort shouts “Sectumsempra!” and fires a curse at the Jedi. Luke, however, uses the Force to “see” the invisible blades coming at him and is able to block them with his lightsaber. He Force pushes the dark wizard back and tries to mount an offensive. Voldemort is knocked down by the Force push but quickly retaliates from the ground by conjuring up Fiendfyre in the form of a monstrous Rancor. The flaming roaring Rancor attack Luke and singes his Jedi robe, causing him to toss it to the ground. Backed up against a tree, Luke calms his mind and focuses. He then destroys the Fiendfyre with an incredible Force push. “Imperio!!” Voldemort shouts as he tries to take control of Luke. But the sheer will of the Jedi Knight is too great and is amazingly able to resist the curse. Luke ignites his lightsaber once more and leaps at Lord Voldemort. He shouts “Crucio” and knocks Luke down with a curse that causes Skywalker an incredible amount of pain. But the Jedi Knight refuses to stay down, even though the pain coursing through his body is almost unimaginable. With lightsaber in hand, Luke leaps into the air, but Voldemort smiles slightly just before yelling “Avada Kedavra!!” and hitting Luke Skywalker with the Killing Curse, thus sending the Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve to the Universe Bowl!
Epilogue:
Back in TEAM’s headquarters, the starting line up all regenerate and slowly walk back into the locker room. Griffin Poteracki rockets a beer bottle at them which barely misses (JLA) Superman’s head. “WHAT THE F#@K GUYS?!! I SHOULD SKULL F#@K ALL OF YOU! THOR AND I COULD HAVE TAKEN OUT ALL OF THOSE MOTHERF#@#ERS BY OURSELVES!!” he shouts in utter anger. Thor is standing right in the path of Ultraman as he tries to walk in. “Never send a man to do a god’s job,” Thor sternly says to Ultraman as he walks past him. On Thor’s way out of the locker room, he grabs Superman’s tattered cape from off the wall and turns back to Ultraman. “If Clark were still here he would have made sure I went out there today.”
MICHAEL VICK’S BAD NEWZ KENNELZ OF LURVE IS VICTORIOUS AND ADVANCES TO THE UNIVERSE BOWL!!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Conference Finals Update
Just letting everyone know, that due to the epic scale of both the American League and National League Finals, these two matches will most likely be posted a few days later than normal. You can expect to have your minds blown around Wednesday night. We appreciate your patience.
Thanks,
Ryan
Acting Commissioner of the Fantasy Fantasy League
Thanks,
Ryan
Acting Commissioner of the Fantasy Fantasy League
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Consolation: Commandos vs Better Than All
Better Than All of You are: The Macho Man Randy Savage (w/ a red lightsaber) and Doozer #13.
"Pop Superstar" Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Tpuring Battallion of Commandos are: Lady Gaga w/Sith Lavorouck and Friedrich Nietzsche
As the two newest teams to the consolation rounds enter Hogwarts, "Macho Man" spots Lady Gaga and is unsettled by what he sees. It seems Gaga has decided to try and exploit the one known weakness of Randy Savage. Gaga is dressed as a tree. He starts to clutch his chest and breathe heavily, and stumbles to his knees.
"Vat's ze matter Macho Men?" questions Nietzsche "Vat is you fear zo much from ze outfit?"
"You don't seem to get it, yeah" says Macho "Ooooohhhh you've doing some dangerous stuff here, yeah, the madness is starting to percolate, yeah. I'm gonna show you what happens when you decide to try and test the madness." Macho begins to rise to his feet, still eyeing Gaga. His face becoming as blood red as the lightsaber he ignites.
"Hmmm. Typical male. Clinging to his ideals of macho and manhood." smirks Nietzsche "Gaga, kill his leetle friend, so we may get to the root of what a Macho Man does"
Mother Monster smiles, and fires her lavarouk, slaying the Dozer.
"The Madness is rising, rising. Up to the top, yeah" You got me once, yeah, but I'm gonna snap into you and show that the madness can't be stopped!" Macho Man gets to his feet and rushes Gaga and cuts off her arm as she points her Sith weaponry at him
"Oooooh YYYYEAAAAAhhhHHHH." screams Savage "You can't kill the madness! You can only slow it down. Yeah. I'm gonna turn you into mulch!!!!
"Now, now Macho. Calm down" stammers Nietzsche realizing he's pretty screwed "You are confronting your fears and allowing your psyche to become...."
"SHUT IT NERD!" Savage bellows. he spins and cuts off Nietzsche's head silencing the psycho babble coming from Friedrich's mouth, he then turns to the fallen Gaga who's weeping hysterically at the loss of her arm.
"Yeah, you think I haven't heard all of the 'snap into a tree' jokes?" growls Savage "Yeah, it ain't funny. No,no,no. I'm gonna show you what happens when you try and get one up on the Macho Man, yeah. I'm the cream of the crop. Stuck at the top. Yeah. There's only one who can contain the madness and that's the Macho Man! And that's why I'm the captain of Better Than All of You!!!!!!!"
with that Savage begins hacking and slashing at Gaga, the walls of Hogwarts turning red not only from the glow of Savage's lightsaber but from the amounts of his opponents blood Savage sends flying all around.
Touring Batallion of Commandos: All dead.
Better Than All of You: "Macho Man" Randy Savage survives
BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU ARE VICTORIOUS!!!
"Pop Superstar" Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Tpuring Battallion of Commandos are: Lady Gaga w/Sith Lavorouck and Friedrich Nietzsche
As the two newest teams to the consolation rounds enter Hogwarts, "Macho Man" spots Lady Gaga and is unsettled by what he sees. It seems Gaga has decided to try and exploit the one known weakness of Randy Savage. Gaga is dressed as a tree. He starts to clutch his chest and breathe heavily, and stumbles to his knees.
"Vat's ze matter Macho Men?" questions Nietzsche "Vat is you fear zo much from ze outfit?"
"You don't seem to get it, yeah" says Macho "Ooooohhhh you've doing some dangerous stuff here, yeah, the madness is starting to percolate, yeah. I'm gonna show you what happens when you decide to try and test the madness." Macho begins to rise to his feet, still eyeing Gaga. His face becoming as blood red as the lightsaber he ignites.
"Hmmm. Typical male. Clinging to his ideals of macho and manhood." smirks Nietzsche "Gaga, kill his leetle friend, so we may get to the root of what a Macho Man does"
Mother Monster smiles, and fires her lavarouk, slaying the Dozer.
"The Madness is rising, rising. Up to the top, yeah" You got me once, yeah, but I'm gonna snap into you and show that the madness can't be stopped!" Macho Man gets to his feet and rushes Gaga and cuts off her arm as she points her Sith weaponry at him
"Oooooh YYYYEAAAAAhhhHHHH." screams Savage "You can't kill the madness! You can only slow it down. Yeah. I'm gonna turn you into mulch!!!!
"Now, now Macho. Calm down" stammers Nietzsche realizing he's pretty screwed "You are confronting your fears and allowing your psyche to become...."
"SHUT IT NERD!" Savage bellows. he spins and cuts off Nietzsche's head silencing the psycho babble coming from Friedrich's mouth, he then turns to the fallen Gaga who's weeping hysterically at the loss of her arm.
"Yeah, you think I haven't heard all of the 'snap into a tree' jokes?" growls Savage "Yeah, it ain't funny. No,no,no. I'm gonna show you what happens when you try and get one up on the Macho Man, yeah. I'm the cream of the crop. Stuck at the top. Yeah. There's only one who can contain the madness and that's the Macho Man! And that's why I'm the captain of Better Than All of You!!!!!!!"
with that Savage begins hacking and slashing at Gaga, the walls of Hogwarts turning red not only from the glow of Savage's lightsaber but from the amounts of his opponents blood Savage sends flying all around.
Touring Batallion of Commandos: All dead.
Better Than All of You: "Macho Man" Randy Savage survives
BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU ARE VICTORIOUS!!!
Season 4: Consolation Match Round 3: The Tijuana Taco Bender's vs Alice's Wonder Team
Taco Benders are Piplup and Watchdog #5.
Alice’s Wonder Team is Zombie Pet Sosa and Pink Muscle Man #1.
Zombie Pete Sosa: “Brains”
Watchdog #5: “Get over here you abomination.”
ZPS: “Brains!”
Watchdog #5: “Meet your maker you sick f#@$”
ZPS: “BRAINS!!!”
Watchdog #5 then pumps Zombie Pete Sosa full of lead but does not hit him in the head, so he continues to lumber towards him.
Watchdog #5: “Oh what the hell!”
Zombie Pete Sosa then begins to eat the arm of the Watchdog. Before the zombie is able to do any further damage though, the Watchdog breaks the neck of Pete and then shoots him between the eyes.
Piplup: “You better get that looked at Dawg, your pretty much screwed if you don’t.”
Muscle Man: “You’re screwed already anyways. Unless you kill yourself, you are going to become a zombie just like him.”
Watchdog: “What! I will never become something that vile and immoral. I should just kill you for saying something like that in the first place.”
Piplup: “Or you could just kill him because that is how this whole thing works.”
Pink Muscle Man: “Not if I finish he job that my teammate started first.”
The Muscle man then leaped on top of the Watchdog and began to punch him as hard as he could. Unfortunately for the Muscle Man, he was considerably smaller then the Watchdog, which meant his hits were doing virtually no damage.
Watchdog: “Nice try, let’s see if you can defend this.”
The Watchdog then flicked the muscle man down onto the ground and pumped about twelve bullets into his body. Given this was total overkill as it only took one bullet to finish off the small pink muscle bound fighter.
Piplup: “I can’t believe you were even listening to him in the first place, I mean, look at him, he’s four inches high. He’s an idiot.”
Watchdog: “Yeah I suppose your right. I mean I don’t know why I was listening to all that zombie talk in the first place.”
Piplup: “Oh that, he was right about the whole zombie thing, your basically f@%&ed.”
Alice’s Wonder Team: All Dead.
Taco Benders: Piplup and Watchdog #5(despite the fact that he’s gonna be a zombie very soon) survived.
The Taco Benders are Victorious!!!
Alice’s Wonder Team is Zombie Pet Sosa and Pink Muscle Man #1.
Zombie Pete Sosa: “Brains”
Watchdog #5: “Get over here you abomination.”
ZPS: “Brains!”
Watchdog #5: “Meet your maker you sick f#@$”
ZPS: “BRAINS!!!”
Watchdog #5 then pumps Zombie Pete Sosa full of lead but does not hit him in the head, so he continues to lumber towards him.
Watchdog #5: “Oh what the hell!”
Zombie Pete Sosa then begins to eat the arm of the Watchdog. Before the zombie is able to do any further damage though, the Watchdog breaks the neck of Pete and then shoots him between the eyes.
Piplup: “You better get that looked at Dawg, your pretty much screwed if you don’t.”
Muscle Man: “You’re screwed already anyways. Unless you kill yourself, you are going to become a zombie just like him.”
Watchdog: “What! I will never become something that vile and immoral. I should just kill you for saying something like that in the first place.”
Piplup: “Or you could just kill him because that is how this whole thing works.”
Pink Muscle Man: “Not if I finish he job that my teammate started first.”
The Muscle man then leaped on top of the Watchdog and began to punch him as hard as he could. Unfortunately for the Muscle Man, he was considerably smaller then the Watchdog, which meant his hits were doing virtually no damage.
Watchdog: “Nice try, let’s see if you can defend this.”
The Watchdog then flicked the muscle man down onto the ground and pumped about twelve bullets into his body. Given this was total overkill as it only took one bullet to finish off the small pink muscle bound fighter.
Piplup: “I can’t believe you were even listening to him in the first place, I mean, look at him, he’s four inches high. He’s an idiot.”
Watchdog: “Yeah I suppose your right. I mean I don’t know why I was listening to all that zombie talk in the first place.”
Piplup: “Oh that, he was right about the whole zombie thing, your basically f@%&ed.”
Alice’s Wonder Team: All Dead.
Taco Benders: Piplup and Watchdog #5(despite the fact that he’s gonna be a zombie very soon) survived.
The Taco Benders are Victorious!!!
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