The Universe Bowl: Starring George Washington's House Elves and Two Hungry Dino-Mites with Bubble Fightin Fun Down Tight

 General Washingtion's House Elves are:  Sinestro, Sandworm #6-9, Han Solo in Luke Skywalker's X-Wing, Chewbacca in a B-Wing, Galvatron, Ben Kenobi in an A-Wing, Soundwave w/ Rumble, Frenzy, Ravage, Lazerbeak, Buzzsaw, Ratbat, Wingthing, Squawktalk, Beastbox, Glit, Enemy, Howlback, Garboid, Overkill, &  Slugfest, Agent Smith, T-1000, Nazgul #3 on Fell Beast, Capt. Kirk and CApt. Picard in a Nubian 327, Omnius, Ajax, George Washington, Corbin Dallas rollin in the sleigh w/ Santa Claus (w/ Colt 1911 .45 ACP), Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, & Blitzen, Shao Kahn, Sirius Black, & Uranus.

Two Hungry Dino-MItes w/ Bubble Fightin Fun Down Tight are:  Agen Kolar, Eeth Koth, Stass Allie, Avatar Aang (w/ green, blue, yellow, red, indigo, & star sapphire lantern rings), Wonder Woman (w/ The Sword of Light & Star Sapphire Ring), Wonder Girl, Avatar Alex Houslander (w/ Wii Mote), Aquaman, Red Lantern Mera, Bub, Bob, Bib, Beb, Wedge Antilles in X-Wing, The Flash (w/ blue lantern ring), Mon El, The Marvel Family:  Shazam, Mary Marvel, Capt. Marvel Jr., Eugene Choi, Pedro Pena, Darla Dudley, & C.C. Batson, The Shining Force, Max (w/ Chaos Breaker, White Ring, & Indigo & green lantern rings), Lowe, Mae, Ken, Luke, Hans, Khris, Tao, Gong, Gort, Anri, Arthur, Balbaroy, Amon, Diane, Zylo, Pelle, Vankar, Boken, Kokichi, Guntz, Hanzou, Jogurt, Domingo, Alef, Earnest, Tarasu, Musashi, Lyle, Bleu, & Adam, Human Torch, Kalibak, Jay Garrick (w/ green lantern ring), Desaad, Axe Cop (w/ red lantern ring) w/ Wexler, Link (w/ green lantern ring), Kit Fisto, Bowser:  King of Koopa, Lemmy Koopa, Morton Von Koopa, Larry Koopa (w/ Ice Flower), Big Barda, The Black Racer, The Aerialbots:  Silverbolt, Air Raid, Skydive, Fireflight, & Slingshot, Aurra Sing in a TIE Fighter, Bossk in a TIE Bomber, Dark Dragon, Teebo, Ewok Warrior, Ewok Elder, Chief Chirpa, Logray, Ewok Scout Scout, Wicket, Paploo, Falcon, & Red Wing, Velociraptor Riding Young Jedi Knight Grayson Houslander, & Starkiller Base.  

Twas the Night Before Christmas

And all through the planet

Every creature was stirring

Even those who once ran it.

The screams of the innocent polluted the air

In hopes that they soon would be rid of despair

The planet locals were hiding, scared under their beds

Whilst fears of annihilation pounded their heads

The Watchers above them feign empathetic

Yet lend no support and prove apathetic

When out in Outer Space their arose such a weapon

That all sprang to the windows to see what next would happen

From above the planet there burst such a flash

It tore up the landscape and caused a great crash

The moons no longer visible post this fierce thriller

And those in the know, knew it was the Base of Starkiller

When what to my wondering eyes should appear

But two massive armies still ready to spread fear

One led by a soldier whose bravery was self-evident

I knew in a moment it must be the first President

With perfect precision his troops moved in tighter

But both sides were eager to prove who had the best fighter

Now Smith, now Chewie, now Soundwave, and Shao Kahn

On Aang, on Mera, on Shazam, and Falcon

To the top of the firmament to the top of the orbit

Now smash it, and smash it, and smash every small bit

As dry desert sands from massive sandworms do fly

When they meet with Autobots as planes in the sky

So up to the atmosphere the warriors they flew

With death and destruction and evil strife too

Dressed ready for battle from their head to their foot

Now tarnished with blood, dirt, gunpowder, and soot

They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work

while the innocent families proclaimed them all jerks

But I heard some exclaim despite this sad verse

That the time has finally come for the Bowl of the Universe

  The battle has been stalled for several hours after the massive, destructive blast given off by Starkiler Base.  Omnius had predicted this attack through complicated algorithms; but was not able to get there in time.  Unable to hack into the system remotely, a gelatin based capsule with Omnius' coded information was sent and did indeed merge with The Starkiller Base system, totally disabling it; but not before the first grouping of destructive blasts were sent from the distant planet.  General George Washington paces back and forth in his underground bunker with his trusted advisors General Kenobi and Agent Smith.  Old Ben, now addicted to melange like most of the House Elves, sits with a cup of warm spice tea at a small desk.  His senses heightened even further than The Force has done for him all these years, the Jedi Master/experienced Galactic General still cannot come up with a solution to this predicament.  He snaps out of his trance as he hears General Washington bark out a question:  "KENOBI, considering what has happened to us, and the fact that we are entering into this fight without Superman do we have a chance in this battle"??  

"No".  Responds Old Ben with far less eloquence than Washington had hoped for.

George turns to Agent Smith for some more in-depth intel and asks:  "SMITH.  Give me a full report on our losses".

Agent Smith answers, saying:  "Our losses from a numbers perspective were low; but from a tactical perspective are high.  They knew what they were doing when they hit us and they gained an enormous tactical advantage.  Their plan was not to take out as many of our soldiers as possible; but instead to destroy our ability to mount an effective attack.  They basically turned the Desert into glass, killing our sandworms and they targeted our armory effectively destroying every, single weapon and vehicle that we had.  We will quite literally being going into the upcoming battle with our bare hands.  Not to brag, General; but this isn't much of a problem for me.   Most of the team on the other hand will be greatly limited by this.  To add insult to injury, it was Sirius Black who was on shift at the armory when the attack took place; so we lost our best magic user as well.  Perhaps we should consider postponing our immediate attack scheduled for Christmas Eve night into Christmas morning until we can regroup and build up some sort of weaponry".

Washington remains silent after the report, but Kenobi chimes in with vigor:  "We cannot wait on this attack.  Regardless of the position it puts us in.  The battle is upon us, whether we would wish it or not.  Not to mention that with our supply of the spice melange cut off, we will not want to commence our attack while our senses and reflexes are diminished do to spice withdrawals".  

Agent Smith cocks his head to the side and proclaims in an arrogant tone:  "General Kenobi's observations are certainly correct; but it does not change the fact that this plan involves going into battle with no weapons.  And as we all know it is certainly not possible to get all new weapons in one night".  

Washington puts the conversation to rest with his final plan:  "My advisors told me it was impossible to beat the British and their Hessian Mercenaries before I crossed the Delaware at the Battle of Trenton.  We did that on Christmas Day, and that's when we are going to do this.  And that's final.  Now go and ready the troops.  We march at Midnight".  

Spirits are a little brighter at the Home base of The Dino-Mites; but tensions are still high.  On the heels of a pre-victory with The Starkiller Base Attack, they realize that that was a one time deal.  And no Dino-Mite can deny the whispers around the camp of whether or not this  battle can be won without Darkseid.  The destructive force of the Starkiller blast, was not devoid of friendly fire, as it took out Big Barda and Morton Koopa who were too close to ground zero on their scouting mission; but they realize that they still have The House Elves outnumbered by a significant margin.  They have confirmed that their sandworm attack was successful, and hope that their attack on the armory was as destructive as it seemed.  Either way, they have taken up a Defensive posture and await a full frontal assault from Washington's Army.  

The Dino-Mites fortify their position and attempt to get what rest they can before the looming attack.

At the strike of Midnight, Washington's sparsely equipped troops move into position.  The Decepticons move into the city area, while the rest of the House Elf Squad sets up in the Wilderness.  The team stays away from both the destroyed wasteland of what was once the desert and the oceans as well, having no current plan to take out Aquaman and the Dino-Mite's Water-Power.  

Whispers from the disgruntled troops of Washington infiltrate the air about how outnumbered they seem to be.  And jokes about the absence of the Reindeer and Corbin Dallas abound in regards to General Washington planning an attack for the one night of the year that Santa has to work.  

As the dual setting battle begins, The House Elves begin to realize how truly outgunned they are, as The Dino-MItes surround their march.  The House Elves remained brave with fists clenched around a mix of nothing and the occasional stick, rock, or commandeered baseball bat.  The Dino-Mites anticipate the order for their final push of destruction, when what to their wondering eyes did appear.........; but a miniature sleigh and Nine tiny reindeer......  Mixed with a distant sound of bells and Ho Ho Hos was the familiar yell of the Christmas House Elf Corbin Dallas saying:  Y'ALL MUST OF FORGOT WHO WAS ON THIS TEAM"!!

Presents begin to fall from the sky right in front of the individual House Elves, while other gifts seemingly appear out of thin air as a true Christmas Miracle.  

A new axe for Shao Kahn.

Gleaming yellow and green lantern rings for Sinestro.

A rifle, sidearm, and saber for Washington.

For the disembodied brain of Ajax, the biggest, baddest fully armed mech suit he has ever seen.

A shiny Enterprise Shuttle and Phasers for KIrk and Picard.

Lightsabers, blasters, swords, and pistols to spare.

A scary jagged Scimitar, horse and man chainmail armor and a fresh batch of oats with halfling meat for The Nazgul and his steed.

Twin Desert Eagles and extra mags for Smith.  

Spice laced Energon goodies for the Decepticons.

And even though Han wasn't always a good boy, Chewie made up for it gifting them with a brand new, freshly waxed Y-1300 Light Freighter straight from Correlia.

Both sides know not what to do for a moment until Washington belts out the old battle cry of The Revolution:  'LIBERTY OR DEATH".

And death seems the much more common occurrence as the Christmas carnage commences.....

Uranus, begins savagely biting the heads off of the Ewoks, devouring them with ferocity, before feasting on Bowser and his two remaining children next.  The young Jedi Grayson ignites his double-bladed green lightsaber in an attempt to attack the Grandfather of Zeus; but he is knocked from his Velociraptor steed who is crushed to death in a mess of scales or feathers, or however you like to think of your raptors.  It is not until Shazam and his family enter the fight that the father of Saturn is finally tested.  Uranus rips Pedro Pena in half at the torso, and pulls out the still beating heart of Dudley; but Shazam himself decides that there is no place for this Pagan in this quaint Christmas story and sends a lightning bolt right where Uranus' 27 moons don't shine.  But Sinestro swoops in from above, while T-1000 materializes out of what the family thought was Eugene Choi.  Sinestro blasts Mary Marvel and Shazam's not son Capt. Marvel Jr., while T-1000 sends a stabbing weapon through the heart of C.C. Batson.  Shazam begins to battle two on one with Sinestro and T-1000, when a strafing run from the Aerialbots separates the fighters, sending them in different directions.  

Soundwave and his Cassettes enter into a pitched battle with Max and The Shining Force (Happy Chanukah Becks!!).  Now, part of me would love to begin a ten page summary of this epic battle; but I realize that that would be Fantasy Fantasy for one, as I am probably the only guy in the league who would actually stay awake at night thinking about both Soundwave and the Shining Force.  Much turn-based and analog antics take place ending, with Max unable to let go of The Chaos Breaker as he sticks it into the spark of Soundwave.  The Shining Force are no more, while only Enemy, Overkill, and Rumble remain from the Cassettes.  

Shao Kahn and Falcon are in Round Three of their fight, as the angry Falcon moves in aggressively against the monster who just killed his pet bird.  Falcon's hand to hand skills are legit, but they fall short of Kahn's who finishes him.  Shao's victory celebration is cut short as his head is cut from his head by the Master Sword of Green Lantern Link.  

Nazgul #3 rips apart the true Dino-Mites Bub, Bob, Bib, & Beb, before running through Eeth Koth as well.  When he turns his helmet covered head to the sound of:  "I WILL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF"!!  Axe Cop atop Wexler begins battling the Nazgul atop his Fell Beast.  The flying T-Rex, Wexler takes a huge bite out of the Fell Beast and lets out an even larger burp after the ingestion.  The Nazgul then breaks the neck of Wexler causing him and Axe Cop to both begin falling to the ground.  When they eventually land, only Axe Cop still had his head attached.  

Aquaman leads Mera and Kit Fisto out of the Ocean, realizing that they aren't going to help out their team hanging out underwater; but they are met by a massive energy blast from the cannon of Galvatron, who was sniping their water exit.  The mighty Galvatron had already single-handedly destroyed Dark Dragon today and is anxious for his next battle.  Galvatron then transforms into robot form as he is surrounded by more Dino-Mites.  The Decepticon leader hits Agen Kolar and Stass Allie with his arm-mounted gun; allowing them to become one with the Force; but Galvatron is simply not fast enough to keep up with the duo of Flash and Mon El who manage to punch him into oblivion.  

The once great henchmen of The Dino-MItes now deceased star player Darkseid are made quick work of by of the seemingly invincible Agent Smith.  Smith has a much more difficult time keeping up with The Black Racer; but once he catches up is able to dispatch "Silver Surfer on skis" as well.

Many dogfights are taking place in the tortured skies of The Playoff Planet including the five Aerialbots who are engaged with Santa and his sleigh.  None of the flying Autobots can catch up, but the tides are turned when The Aerialbots merge to form Superion.  The massive Gestalt would definitely have the upper hand in the other 364 & 1/4 days of the year; but this is Christmas after all.  The unified sparks of a Cybertronian Gestalts are well hidden and protected; but Rudolph with his nose so bright guided the sleigh right to it.  

"TAKE THE REINS CORBIN"!!  Santa yells to Dallas in the seat next to him as Santa stands up in the sleigh and takes aim with his Colt 1911.  Normally a magazine full of .45 ACP would not even scratch Superion; but with the right amount of Christmas magic, we all saw the sky light up like, well..... like...... a Christmas Tree I guess.  Despite this festive ending, this was not the only dogfight taking place.  Han and Chewie in their new Y-1300 Light Freighter are putting on a flying clinic as they blast Aurra Sing, Bossk, and even the ace pilot Wedge Antilles himself out of the sky.  Although Wedge did take out Kirk and Picard beforehand despite being very outgunned by the Enterprise ship.  

Santa & Corbin regroup with Han & Chewie and begin flying side by side, when they are met by two tiny airborne figure.  The two Avatars, Aang and Alex are floating in mid-air when Aang bursts forth and energy shield of nearly every color in the rainbow mixed with his own powers materializes.  Alex then sends a fart shockwave through the shield turning the reindeer into venison and acting as an Ion Cannon towards The Falcon 2.  Han and Chewie rush to an escape pod, while Santa tells Corbin to unwrap the two presents behind their seats "FAST".  The two boxes hold a pair of parachutes for Santa and his homie; but their sleigh and Solo's new ship are no more.  

Wonder Girl is wielding The Sword of Light, which she has borrowed from Wonder Woman who has opted to use her own mythic sword, along with her shield and lasso for this epic Universe Bowl battle.  Wonder Girl engages in a well balanced sword fight with Kenobi; but the old Jedi Master eventually gains the high ground and we all know what happens next. 

Ajax is causing destruction in what is left of the city as if he were back on earth centuries before the Butlerian Jihad.  If he had a face it would reveal the biggest smile as these great memories flow through his ancient human brain.  Jay Garrick and Mon El rush to meet him; but Wonder Woman is held up for a surprisingly long amount of time by Enemy, whom is eventually dispatched by her with more than mid-level difficulty.  Wonder Woman rushes into her intended battle seeing a myriad of flashes and blasts from the weaponry of the mammoth Cymek Ajax.  By the time she gets there, The Titan has already dispatched Garrick, and Mon El is going with all out brute force against Ajax.  Wonder Woman does not see any better plan of attack in sight; so she joins the Daxomite in his attack.  The durability and strength of Wonder Woman and Mon El win out as the massive cyborg-machine is destroyed by their building leveling punches.  Wonder Woman does not survive the encounter though, as she punches through the Titan's fake head canister revealing a nuclear self-destruct surprise.  

The Flash with his Blue Lantern ring, inadvertantly powers up the new green lantern ring of the yellow lantern corps leader Sinestro to 200%; but Flash is still able to evade the attacks of Sinestro and end the Qwardian/Oa Menace when he delivers the second hardest punch in the DC Universe to his grill.

Link yells "CATCH" as he throws one of his bombs directly into the hands of Rumble to explode the Decepticon on his way to do battle with General Washington himself.  Washington drops his musket and pulls out his saber, knowing that his sword-fighting skills may not be up to par with the elf of Hyrule.  

"I may not win this match; but my troops have done better than expected today, and we aren't finished yet"  Says Washington to Link as they prepare to draw swords against one another.  

George puts up a good fight, but as expected is dispatched by Link and his superior sword-play.  Link turns to walk away, as Washington falls to the ground.  Washington knows he is dying; but he pulls out his shiny Christmas sidearm and pulls the flintlock trigger saying:  "Sorry kid; but you can't always play fair if you want to win".  

Grayson attempts to back up Axe Cop against Overkill; but his help is not needed.  Axe Cop is reminded of his own dinosaur Wexler when he sees the Decepticon-Cassette-Certosaurus and chops off his metal head.  

We know that T-1000 is susceptible to extreme cold; but the same goes for extreme heat as he clashes with Human Torch causing the two of them to meld together and join one another in death.  A similar occurrence takes place as Shazam and Agent Smith engage in a pitched battle (Happy New Year Becks).  They punch each other an uncountable number of times until exhaustion overtakes them both causing them to collapse in each other's arms.  

As the battle and Christmas come to a close what is left of these two great teams regroup with their squad members and slowly walk up for what they know will be last showdown of The Universe Bowl and the Season.  

Han Solo, Chewbacca, and Ben Kenobi walk up with their weapons out as they meet up with Santa and Corbin and move towards the Dino-Mites who still outnumber them by one soldier.  Santa smirks and looks over at his pal Corbin and says:  

"Hey Corbin, remember that pure lead bullet, I put at the toe of your stocking??  Now's the time".

"Sorry Dude, Merry Christmas" he says as he pulls out his gun and puts the all lead bullet into the Daxomite Mon El, taking out the powerful Dino-MIte.    

At this point it becomes uncertain if Santa Claus could even possibly be defeated on Christmas Day......  Or if it would even be the right thing to do to try.  The Avatars Aang and Alex move in at breakneck speed towards Santa and Corbin Dallas knowing full well that only the power of The Avatar can maybe undo the Christmas Magic that is on their side.  An enormous explosion of pure energy blinds the other competitors leaving them clueless as to what happened.    

The Flash, Axe Cop, and the Double Lightsaber wielding young Grayson move in towards Han, Chewie, and Kenobi.  Kenobi says something about becoming more powerful when they strike him down; but it doesn't keep him from getting struck down.  The Flash does most of the work taking out the Jedi Master and leaves the two shipless smugglers as an after thought.  

The Flash, Axe Cop, and Grayson cautiously move towards the slowly dissipating smoke to find Aang and Alex obliterated despite the great power they possessed.  At this realization, Axe Cop rushes in with his Axe drawn ready to wreak havoc on the House Elves that even the two Avatars could not stop.  

But, when he gets there Axe Cop has a change of heart.  He sees the two men who are supposed to be his enemies lying on the ground and feels an emotion that he does not quite understand.  Axe Cop puts the axe handle of his weapon under the head of Corbin, propping him up and rips off his own shirt, tearing it to make a tourniquet for Kris Kringle's bleeding leg.  

"HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN"??  Screams Corbin.  "How can we lose on Christmas Day??  Don't you realize that this is Santa Claus next to me??  Don't you know what Christmas is all about"??  Finishes Dallas.

Young Grayson steps up and puts a hand Axe Cop's shoulder, right after he points to the gleaming blue lantern ring of hope on The Flash's finger and tightly grasps his small crucifix necklace saying:  "Santa, we appreciate you and love what you are; and the Christmas magic will always bring you back next year as long as we believe.  But you were never what Christmas was about.  Christmas is about making heavy hearts light.  It is about turning anger into love (sparking a smile from Axe Cop), it is about creating hope when there is none (sparking a glimmer from Flash's ring), and most importantly about the birth of Christ to lead us all to a better life (sparking a gleam from his necklace).  That's the meaning of Christmas.

Corbin in his weakened state begins to speak up; but Santa Claus stops him saying:  "He's right Corbin.  He's right.  Christmas doesn't belong to me.  It belongs to us all.  Merry Christmas Dino-Mites.  You have been very good this year and  The Universe Bowl is your present"......

Two Hungry Dino-MItes with Bubble Fightin Fun Down Tight Vs. The Striders of Rohan

 **NOTE**  IF YOU HAVE NOT READ PART ONE OF THIS MATCH, READ THAT FIRST.  IT IS POSTED BELOW.  

PART TWO:  PROLOGUE

"What is going on here........??.......  Where am I.....??......  Fili......    Fili....  Is that you"??  Asks Kili after he awakens on a terribly uncomfortable cot with a wicked headache.  

Fili answers:  "Yeah Kili, it's me.We didn't think you were going to make it.  You have been in and out of consciousness for almost two months.   

"Well, where are we??  What part of the Playoff Planet is this anyway??  It doesn't look like anything from the briefings.  The view from out the window looks like the city from Blade Runner".  Kili exclaims.

"What's Blade Runner"??  Asks Fili.

"It's a movie I watched with John Wick and Talon a while back in the clubhouse".  Answers Kili.

Fili looks puzzled:  "What are movies; are those the things on the XM Radio"??  

Kili is getting aggravated:  "NO.  They are the things with the moving pictures on the flat box.  We didn't have them on Middle Earth".

"I mean, we didn't have radio either".  says Fili.

"DAMMIT DWARF, STOP ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS; and tell me what is going on".  Yells Kili.

Fili takes a deep breath and begins to explain:  "Well.....  Here is what we know.  We are not on the Playoff Planet anymore.  We are hiding somewhere on Ranx:  The Sentient City, which is a huge member of the other team.  The Playoff Planet was completely destroyed by Starkiller Base, another huge thing from the other team.  That jerk Darkseid from the Dino-Mites just thought he could destroy the entire planet and win the match.  He transported most of his team here where they had a secret base set up; but right before he could execute the plan, Odin figured it out and used the By-frost to transport us here where we have been hiding ever since.  At the time, he didn't even know where "here" was, he just sensed that that is where Darkseid put all of his folks; so he figured it was the only decent shot.  Which, I guess it was since from what the space dudes on the team tell us, there pretty much is nothing else around for like a billion miles or something and that would put us out of bounds and give us all deaths making The Dino-Mites win.  So, Odin was pretty awesome considering how little time he had to work.  It wasn't perfect though.  We didn't all make it.  Our second Spinosaurus, Talon, Yellow Jacket, Baron Zemo, and some chick named Kimura (shout out Fizz's notes) didn't make it into the By-Frost Portal.  Did I mention that Darkseid was a jerk by the way??  Because he didn't even care that all of his dudes didn't make it out either.  Guess he didn't care since he thought they were about to win the match.  From what our scouts can tell, Invisible Girl and Big Barda didn't make it out either.  

"Wow......  That's a lot to wake up to....  So where is Odin now??  Asks Kili.

"More bad news buddy.  He isn't anywhere.  On the bright side, neither is Darkseid....  Ooh...  That rhymed".  You see, as soon as the big portal transfer happened, Odin told us to take shelter, hide, and regroup; but it all placed Darkseid and Odin toe to toe.  Believe me when I tell you that even though the rest of us was runnin they did be boxin (shout out Crack Franks).  Darkseid looked like he had him beat.  He was screaming about the New Gods; but Odin pulled out his White Ring and started spittin stuff about being the only O.G. god up in here.  There was a huge flash and they were both gone.  We have been hiding and trying to figure out a plan ever since".  You waking up is the most eventful thing that has happened in a while.  It's all just so strange.....  Nothing makes sense....  It feels like we're in some sort of strange story, but the writer switched halfway through.    

Two Hungry Dino-Mites with Bubble Fightin Fun Down Tight Vs. The Striders of Rohan:  PART TWO

After weeks of waiting, it has been established that Mr. Fantastic and Theoden KIng have taken command of their respective teams and that today the battling shall begin.  Game plans have been thrown out the window for the most part as the terrains have all changed, eliminating most of the prep that has taken place for both squads.  Most of the Striders are held up in a large stone building that must be one of the oldest on all of Ranx.  Theoden son of Thengal can only hope that this structure can be defended as well as Helm's Deep has been throughout the reign of his ancestors.  The only Strider who has ignored the leadership of Rohan's KIng is Abeloth, who remains in space where she has plans of her own.  

Reed Richards sees the quality of the plan to hold up in a strategic spot, but has calculated that it is far from impenetrable.  As long as the right plan can be formulated.  Dr. Richards knows that his first wave must consist of physical powerhouses if he is going to gain access to the building.  The first wave of the Dino-Mites is led by The Thing; but also contains Wonder Woman, Desaad, Kalibak, and Steel Superman.  This back-breaking Offensive Line manages to break through the building into the first floor; but are met with a Defensive Line ready to do battle.  The Thing crushes Boromir's skull right off the bat and then very quietly kills Hush; before Roboto uses his goofy looking Eternian gun to blow The Thing into pebbles.  It seems only fitting that Steel, the K-Mart Superman takes on Bat-Wing, the K-Mart Batman.  But since Superman is way more powerful than Batman, Steel Supes obviously wins the fight.  Even though in this case, they are both just regular dudes (shout out Z).  Steel then sees another fake Batman in his midst and sends his big, metal sledgehammer through the cowl of Owlman.  Warpath sees his homies #getwrekt and goes on.....  Well, a warpath against Steel Superman.  Jackin him up like it ain't no thang.  Steppenwolf does what he has wanted to do for centuries and finally knows he can, now that his snot-nosed nephew Darkseid is out of the way.  He straight up brains Kalibak in the dome and then uses his corpse as a weapon to knock Desaad into the middle of next week.  Wonder Woman runs in to help, double clotheslining Roboto and Warpath's heads right off as if it were an after thought on the way there.  Her and Steppenwolf go toe to toe; but it goes down exactly like it was about to in the Justice League Movie if Superman didn't show up to bail out the League.  Steppenwolf takes some serious abuse; but in the end sends his axe directly through the face of Wonder Woman.  Steppenwolf steps out onto the grass in victory; but in his weakened state feels his yellow lantern ring twinge.  He believes it to be a power surge at first; but realizes too late that it is the yellow ring becoming one with the living yellow lantern city he is standing on.  A large hand comes out from the ground and pulls Steppenwolf into the dirt and concrete, consuming him whole.  

Abeloth senses the danger of The Starkiller Base, floating off on its own in space.  She at first considers attempting to trigger it towards Ranx, making she the sole survivor of this battle; but The Force does not show a positive path for such a plan; so she moves on to a better method.  When she left the rest of her team, they had hoped she was going to take on Ranx itself; but Abeloth sensed the true power in Starkiller base and decided that that must be dealt with first.  Ranx would be next.  Much fear she sensed from her team over the power of this base; but in her wisdom she knows that the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.  The sole Dino-Mite present, left to operate Starkiller Base by Darkseid is Aquaman (I mean, there is no water left in this match; so what else is he going to do).  Aquaman begins to take aim at Abeloth; but she moves with incalculable speed towards the metallic monstrosity.  A massive Force Tornado is sent from the Mother of Mortis obliterating the Base and Aquaman inside it.  As promised, Abeloth moves away from the destruction with intense devotion to the destruction of that which may rival her in power.  Ranx is warned about the incoming Force Monster by his Qwardian Core; but it is not enough to stop the approaching danger.  Abeloth begins to suck the power right out of the very planet that both teams are residing on.  The Mother of Mortis is successful in her mission; but is unaware of the raw fear she would ingest by sucking in this power.  The fear of a thousand dead souls stolen by The Yellow Lantern Core and the Parallax Power.  So much fear.....  Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering....  Such an intense suffering that Abeloth cannot handle it, she will not handle it, and therefore chooses to join her victim in death rather than allow her self-suffering to continue.  The suffering was so bad that it was almost as terrible as what Kyle experienced after failing to eat The Big Benito.

The Sentient City erupts into a massive earthquake sending every member of both teams tumbling about as the life drains from Ranx leaving simply a dead rock to inhabit for the remainder of the battle.  

Before Richards can set up his next wave, Theoden goes on the offensive for once.  He has several creatures that do not quite fit in his building; so he sends them out as a Defensive attack.  King Kong and the Spinosaurs' leap off of the top of the giant building, while The Leader, due to his extreme intellect is sent out in a vain attempt to control them.  The large brained Hulk villain is flanked by Maximus and Hellboy serving as his own personal bodyguards.  These bruisers are quickly met by a strike force led by the nearly full spectrum Aang and also containing The Flash and Booster Gold.  Wedge with his Wingman Zam Wessel also approach for air support in a pair of X-Wings.  Aang takes flight and engages Ancalagon head on in the skies as a pitched battle commences (shout out Becks).  The Leader is like totally Hella-Smart, I mean this cat is a straight up genius; but just like real life, when the smart guy fights the tough guy; don't bet on the smart guy.  Booster Gold proves this by blasting The Leader's head off with a single energy shot.  Speaking of knocking head's off, that is exactly what The Flash does to the Zombie Spinosaurus with the second hardest punch in the DC Universe.  The Flash then races towards Hell Boy and vibrates directly through his demonic body; but is surprisingly caught off guard with the steel blade of Maximus separating Barry Allen's head from his neck right as he regains his solid state.  Booster Gold gets revenge for his Homeboy Flash by blasting the Gladiator; but Ancalagon diverts his attention away from Aang long enough to bite Booster Gold in half.  Wedge and Zam swoop down and run a strafing run on Spinosaurus 1A and Vampire Spiny; but Zam is knocked out of the sky by King Kong before she can regroup with Wedge.  Wedge gets set up for a solo attack run; but receives orders from Mr. Fantastic to bug out.  Reed knows what is coming next as Aang uses his lantern rings to form an impenetrable defense while he goes fully into the Avatar State.  Aang loses control of his body in the natural state while he goes full Avatar.  A flurry of lights shine through the sky, before he comes back to the natural world falling to the ground in a complete state of unconsciousness.  Which is still better than the fate of Kong and Ancalagon who are destroyed completely by this nearly impossible to tap power.  

THE LAST ACT:

What is left of what was once Ranx is left in fiery ruin as the last surviving members of both squads stroll out to the tattered ground that will have to pass as a battlefield.  Mr. Fantastic leaves behind his behind the scenes leadership position and joins the fray head on.  He is quickly met by the fangs of Michael Corvin who complains about the chewiness of Reed Richards as he sends him to join his wife in the graveyard.  Link, much more experienced with the undead leaps in with his green energy laced Master Sword to take on Michael Corvin in a pitched battle and hopefully avenge his squad's leader.  Human Torch isn't too happy to see his brother in law get eaten, so he takes out the other side's leader in revenge, burning Theoden to a crisp.  Barry Sanders, sees how Wonder Girl is dressed and assumes she is a stripper; so he runs at her as fast as his Vibranium Suit will allow.  Sanders, always fast on his feat and quick with his wits realizes his mistake and quickly goes back into attack mode, clawing Wonder Girl across the jugular.  Wedge flies in low to begin his attack run; but Winter Soldier uses his super cool arm to target Wedge's X-Wing and take it out of the sky.  Antilles barely ejects in time.  Ant Man and Wasp are about to do something wicked awesome to be showcased in their final deaths; but instead they accidently get stepped on by our former narrators Fili and Kili.  The two dwarves high five and jump for joy in excitement; but lose control, accidently slipping and falling face first into their own axes.  Alan Trammell is joyfully reminded of his time working with Mike Illitch and many of the Red Wings in Illitch's cloning lab back in the day when he sees Falcon and his winged sidekick.  Falcon swoops in fast at Tram; but the Tigers Hall of Famer swings for the fences aiming for Falcon's head, sending it LOOOOOOONG Gone.  But Falcon's falcon zips by Tram like the house by the side of the road and digs its talons into the back of Trammell's dome.  There aren't enough random henchmen in this match for John Wick to kill for him to really showcase his talents; but he does put up quite a fight against Daredevil.  If it weren't for Matt Murdock's acquisition of two new lightsabers, Wick may have ended up on top; but Daredevil takes the fight and relieves Wick of his head.  Zombie Wolverine rushes in, less than a second after Wick's demise and skewers Daredevil.  Capt. Marvel zips down to the ground at breakneck speed and says something really woke; but I missed it because I am part of the patriarchy who believes women should be seen and not heard.  Scorpion yells:  "GET OVER HERE"; but Captain Definitely Not DC reminds him that he isn't even that Scorpion, he is the one from Marvel.  She makes sure he dies for not understanding his own identity.  Captain Marvel then begins dying on the inside after becoming terribly offended when Wolverine begins fighting her and doesn't refer to her as "Bub".  She assumes that this is because he is sexist and he is not saying his famous tagline because he has assumed her gender as female.  It's really because he is a zombie and he doesn't know how to talk anymore.  Either way, Capt. Marvel rips both Zombie Wolvie and his Zombie daughter to bloody, Zombie pieces before she dies from feigned emotional violence.  Her last act as a living being is to throw the dead, bloody body parts several Universes over to the nearest Republican convention where the people are covered in blood, guts, and innards.  Don't worry, they deserved it for being racist.  

THE LAST ACT:  PART TWO

Aang reawakens for a moment in a weakened state; but is able to save his friend Wedge from being finished off by the Winter Soldier with a massive blast of green lantern energy aimed at Bucky.  Link and Michael Corvin have battled with each other to exhaustion, when Corvin knocks the Master Sword from the hands of link and rips the Hylian Shield right out of the hero of Hyrule's hands.  Corvin smirks at the green garbed warrior; but Link backflips away from the scene just as Corvin looks down at the shield in his hands and notices the two bombs placed on top of it.  Corvin blows to pieces.  

Barry Sanders fights valiantly, holding his own against Human Torch, against all odds.  Despite Johnny's intense power; Sanders is able to deflect, dodge, and power through his attacks.  In typical fashion for a team sport; Barry Sanders does not allow himself to be retired until he realizes he has no team to back him up..... 

Two Hungry Dino-Mites with Bubble Fightin Fun Down Tight Vs. The Striders of Rohan Part UNO

 The Dinomites are:

The Fantastic 4 : ((all final death except for human torch) Mr Fantastic, Invisible Woman, The Thing, Human Torch ), Darkseid w/ Power Ring (final death), Avatar Aang (w/ Indigo Lantern Ring, Blue Lantern Ring, Green Lantern Ring, Yellow Lantern Ring, and Red Lantern Ring), 

Captain Marvel w/ Star Saphirre Ring (final death), Wonder Woman w/ Sword of Light and Star Saphirre Ring, Wonder Girl, The Flash (w/ Blue Lantern Ring), Aquaman (w/ Green Lantern Ring), Shazam, Link (w/ Master Sword, Hylian Shield, and Green Lantern Ring), Ranx : The Sentient City (final death), Steel Superman, The Shazam Family (Mary Marvel, Captain Marvel Jr., Eugene Choi, Pedro Pena, Darla Dudley, C.C Batson, The Shining Force (31 Members… Seriously? 31 members. I’ve never even played this game. Anyway here they are:  Max (w/ The Chaos Breaker, White Ring, Indigo Lantern Ring, and Green Lantern Ring), Lowe, Mae, Ken, Luke, Dumbfuck, Hans, Tao, Gong, Gort, Khris, Anri, Tim, Paul Steve and the Bry, Arthur, Balbaroy, Amon, Shitsack, Diane, Zylo, Pelle, Vankar, Kokichi, Testicle Tom, Guntz, Jogurt, Domingo, Earnest, Taintface, Alef, Torasu, Lyle, Bleu, Adam, Hanzou, Musashi, Boken - I bet you didn’t even read that list. I added like 7 guys that were totally made up.), Nazgul #8 (On his Fell Beast (both on their final death)), Daredevil (w/ Green and Blue Lantern Lightsabers), Booster Gold, Big Barda, Kalibak, Ant Man (final death), The Wasp (final death), Falcon and Red Wing, Dessad, Wedge Antilles (in his X - Wing), Zam Wessel (in an X-Wing), Starkiller Base (I assume orbiting the planet or something)

Striders of Rohan are:

Odin w/ White Lantern Ring, OwlMan (final death), Talon (final death), Abeloth (final death), Treebeard, King Kong (final death), Hush, Steppenwolf (w/ Yellow Lantern Ring and final death), 

Winter Soldier (w/ Green Lantern Ring and final death), Michael Corvin, Dwarves of the Hobbit (Bifur, Bofer, Bombur, Balin, Dwalin, Oin, Gloin, Fili, Kili, Ori, Nori, Dori (all members 4 death)), Ancalagon the Black (final death), Batwing (w/ Power Ring (final death), Scorpion (Marvel), The Leader, Zombie Treebeard (final death), Zombie Wolverine (final death), Zombie X-23 (final death), Nazgul #2 (on Fell Beast #2 Fell Beast is 4 death), Gladiator (Maximus), Barry Sanders in Vibranium Suit (final death), Gimli, Boromir, Theoden King, Warpath, Roboto, Baron Zemo w/ Yellow Lantern Ring, Yellow Jacket, Kimura, John Wick, Hell Boy, Trail Breaker, Grapple, Alan Trammell (final death), Spinosaurus #1a, Spinosaurus #2, Vampire Spinosaurus (4 death), Zombie Spinosaurus (4 death)

Somewhere in the deep dark forest a quaint cabin sits quietly under the tree’s protective canopy. A thin line of smoke comes out of the chimney, the windows illuminated by the warm glow of the small fire that formed it. Dusk has fallen and the cool evening wind rocks an old wooden sign that hangs above the door labeled: “The Shazam Family”.

“The bread is delicious, Mary!” exclaims Pedro Pena.

“Thank you so much, Pedro! I’m glad you enjoy it!” replies Mary Marvel.

“Can you pass the butter, Dad?” Captain Marvel Jr says to Shazam.

“Sure, and for the last time, I am not your dad. I’m like 14 years old or something. And you were a silly little street rat that I regretfully saved in a moment of weakness.” 

“Your words sting, Dad. Also, How can I be a Jr if Captain Marvel is a woman.”

“That’s the Marvel Captain Marvel, I’m the DC Captain Marvel.”

“Well I can see how that could be confusing as shit for someone, oh… let’s just say a watcher, who doesn’t know anything about comics.” Cap Jr snarkily replies, turning to look directly into the camera and breaking the fourth wall.  (Yeah that’s right. He’s looking at all of you people.)  “Does Marvel have a Captain DC?” Jr continues.

“No. That would be preposterous.” Says Shazam.

This type of banter continued on for a couple months or so. Long enough for me to finally research the nine million characters that comprise two 1,000 pt rosters. I’m going to be doing my best, so I don’t want to hear any whining that I failed to use an indigo lantern ring correctly or some shit. Y’all be lucky if I don’t forget a character. Ok. Last time, lets get the party started!

The cabin in the woods starts to shake more violently. The inhabitants realize this isn’t the wind. Grapple uses his crane to lift the roof off while Trail Breaker starts shooting the big guns. Shazam is able to shield most of the family from the initial attack but not before a few well timed shots take out CC Batson and Darla Dudley. Treebeard and Zombie Treebeard reach into the house and pick up Eugene Choi and Pedro Pena and start bashing them together like a couple rag dolls. While this happens Shazam and Mary Marvel are able to take out the two transformers and then turn their attention on the Ents. Captain Marvel Jr takes a log out of the fire and flips it to Shazam. He hurls the log deep into the heart of Treebeard and he lets out a bellowing cry as the flames consume him. In the chaos, he steps on Cap Jr shortly before he dies. Mary marvel gives Zombie Treebeard a hearty punch and he falls hard and several of his branches and limbs penetrate his body and quickly dies. Because he is a zombie, and he’s made of wood, and wood kills him. 

As the scene settles, Shazam and Mary Marvel can hear the faint sounds of a nearby skirmish. They rush through the woods to find an absolute bloodbath of tiny people.

Now while we were busy watching the cabin fight, we missed the battle of the Shining Force vs the Dwarves of Erebor. The shining force all fell to the final death dwarves but there were some casualties that claimed the lives of Bombur, Balin, Oin, Ori, Nori, Dori and also Gloin, who’s lifeless body was being held by his mournful son Gimli. The corpses of Nazgul #2 and #8 along with their fell beasts also lay dead after what I am sure was an epic battle in the skies.

Shazam and Mary Marvel engage the remaining dwarves. Now they aren't much of a match for the superheroes, but the dwarves' axes and hammers swing true long enough to get an aerial assist from Ancalagon the Black who burns and finishes the job on the last two DC heroes. When the dust settled, only the brothers Fili and Kili remain and they hitch a ride on the back of Ancalagon to fight in a future battle...

NL Playoffs Round 2: Crack Danks vs House Elves

McCrackdeezys: Obi-Wan Kenobi (-4), Venom, Balrog of Moria, Eradicator (-4), Sarumon (-4), War Machine, Emma Frost, Black Queen (-4), Red Skull, Korg and Meek (both -4), Vampire Magneto w/ Orange Lantern Ring (-4), Zombie Captain Marvel (-4), Toph Beifong, Lin Beifong, Supreme Leader Snoke, Krampus, Frankenstein’s Monster, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Jason Voorhees w/ Red Lantern Ring, The Silverhawks (Quicksilver, Talleyhawk, Lt. Colonel BlueGrass, Steelheart, Rayzor, Steelwill, Stronghold, The Copper Kid, Mayday), Wicked Witch of the East and Wicked Witch of the West, Mr. Sinister, Goliath, Green Lantern Penguin, Shredder (-4), Beast Boy, and Jaws 3

1st President’s Non-Paid Workers: Superman (-4), Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore (-4), Emperor Joker (-4), Iron Man (-4), Juggernaut (-4), Agent Smith (-4), Orion (-4), Inhumans (Medusa, Karnak, Gorgon, Triton, Crystal, Lockjaw, Maximus the Mad, The Unspoken) (all -4), Sandworm #1-5 (all -4), Han Solo and Chewbacca in Imperial Shuttle, Sinestro, Galvatron, Ben Kenobi, T-1000, Nazgul #3 on #3’s Fell Beast, George Washington, Corbin Dallas, Santa’s Crew (Santa, Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen), Shao Kahn, Ron Weasely (-4), Dick Tracy, Dark Helmet, Predi-Alien, Qui-Gon Jinn w/ Frog Suit (-4), Jar Jar Binks (-4), Arsenal, Batgirl, Wampa, Zaheer, Prince Andrew, Jeffery Epstein, White Walker #3-5 (all -4), Prince Harry in F-14 (-4), Waterbender #1-3 (#3 is -4), and Airbender #4

The Cave

As a start for the slaves- I mean House Elves, Arsenal and Batgirl stray from the rest of the group to form a command center. They come upon a cave which reminds Batgirl of the batcave and thinks it would be a good strategic hub for the battle. Arsenal chimes in about how he’s never been to the batcave before but insists it doesn’t bother him… it hurts deep down. Arsenal notices a hole slightly larger than a crevice in the back of the cave that keeps emitting a small source of light and demonic sounds. Batgirl insists it means nothing and to forget about it, but Arsenal knows something is wrong with it. He can sense someone once delved too deep, with too much greed. There’s something deep down that fills every inch of Arsenal with fear… Batgirl calls him a pussy and finishes setting up their base of operations.

Batgirl comms to the team “I’ve divided the team into 5 sections: Skies, Water, Cold, Sand, and City. You all have your assignments, get to work.”

The Skies

Feast your eyes to the skies as Crack Danks sends out Zombie Captain Marvel, Eradicator, War Machine, Vampire Magneto w/ Orange Lantern Ring, and Green Lantern Penguin to counter the House Elves bringing Superman, Iron Man, Han and Chewie in Imperial Shuttle, Nazgul #3 on #3’s Fell Beast, Santa and Reindeer Crew, Zaheer, and Prince Harry in F-14. Vampire Magneto immediately can smell the metal emanating from Washington’s slaves, since the Vampire version of Magneto lusts for metal rather than blood like a normal vampire. As the metal hunks head towards Crackdeezeys, Iron Man sends missiles straight at his old buddy War Machine and leaves him way worse than paralyzed. By that point, House Elves are within the clutches of Vampire Magneto and he crushes Iron Man, Han and Chewie’s Imperial Shuttle, and Prince Harry’s F-14. He also smells a unique metal, coming from the flying Witch who moved in on Green Lantern Penguin and bit the head off him. Vampire Magneto ends Nazgul's reign by flattening the metal structure of the Witch and slicing the beast with the master.

As a counter to Vampire Magneto’s metal powers, it is a good thing Santa’s sleigh is made of only wood. The reindeer move at immense speed pulling the sleigh by Vampire Magneto, who cannot stop the powerful children’s hero, and Santa punches with his superhuman strength to snap Vampire Magneto’s head.

Meanwhile, Vampire Captain Marvel and Eradicator meet against Superman and Zaheer. Eradicator cockily points out to Superman that he is everything Superman is and more. Superman responds saying he is on his last life. Eradicator explains that he is also last life. Superman stumbles and finally says “Well… I am Clark Kent… so… I am just always better… cause that’s how superman works.” Vampire Captain Marvel stares with confusion. Zaheer takes this moment of pause to meditate. Whilst meditating, Eradicator doesn’t care and snaps Zaheer’s neck… RUTHLESS. Superman retaliates by moving in on Zombie Captain Marvel and since he is THE Superman on his final life, he obviously destroys Zombie Captain Marvel with ease. Eradicator is amazed by the pure strength of his kryptonian brethren, which distracts him long enough to have Santa use his magic to debilitate Eradicator so Superman can land a killing blow… wait Superman doesn’t kill… I meant he severely maimed Eradicator so that he will never be able to move again.

The Water

Let’s transition to the waters, where, frankly, I am disappointed on the turn up here. I get it, no one has as good of a water team as me, but come on y’all, this is disappointing, except for Jaws 3, I’ve got speck for that beast right there. Anyways, the House Elves send in Qui-Gon, Jar Jar Binks, and Waterbender #1-3. Crack Danks have already established the territory with Beast Boy and Jaws 3.

As for the incoming first president’s house workers, Jar Jar is coming in with 4 deaths, which arguably could be even more of a hindrance rather than a helping hand. Either way, Qui-Gon and Jar Jar swim their way towards the depths as the Waterbenders take a different route down to the deep. Qui-Gon and Jar Jar are met by Beast Boy who finds Jar Jar’s species fascinating and decides to morph into the Gungan form. Beast Boy finds it useless and decides a shark will do it instead. He moves quickly to bite Jar Jar but Qui-Gon force pushes the green morphling away. Jar Jar moves quickly towards Qui-Gon for help, but instead only is in the way of Qui-Gon continuing to attack Beast Boy, which provides time for Beast Boy to return and Bite for both House Elves. All he can bite onto though is the beloved, or possibly hated, Gungan alongside a hot sizzling lightsaber. Qui-Gon continues downwards and meets up with the three Waterbenders.

The water begins to be very cold at such depths. Qui-Gon is wary of what larger creatures may be roaming at this sea level and tells the Waterbenders to keep an eye out. As he does, he notices only two, rather than the original three benders. They quickly move back to back to try and fight whatever it is attacking them. Qui-Gon turns to check the others and notices there is only one bender left, he whispers “May the force be with you” (yes that’s not scientifically accurate to talk under water, but fuck you). On the creature's final run through, the behemoth of a shark wants a two for one and goes to swallow the final bender and Qui-Gon in one bite. Qui-Gon mutters in his last moments… “There’s always a bigger fish…” and the House Elves’ water squad is decimated.

The Cold

You may be asking “Why Zach? Why make a section about the cold? Are you stupid?” Well I would respond with “Yes, but my mans played a damn Wampa. That thing almost killed THE Luke Skywalker.” Also, House Elves put in some White Walkers up in here, so Crackdeezeys responds with Red Skull and Frankenstein’s Monsters.

This time the Slaves hold dominion of the cold and the Wendeezeys squad is just some rejects from society who find themselves deep into the cold terrain. Although society has not accepted them, Red Skull and Frankenstein’s Monster start to become fast friends, the only ones either have ever had. Red Skull, the strategist, and Frankenstein’s Monster, the brute… reminds me of the classic Of Mice and Men, great book. As they continue their travels, they come upon three white demons, unsure of what they are. Frankenstein’s Monster, not attentive to the situation, thinks these could be new friends and goes to hug one. Unaware of his own strength, he crushes White Walker #4 with his bear hug. He drops the lifeless body and goes for attempt #2 and goes to hug both remaining Walkers. He again squeezes too tightly, but not before his body was hit with two white walker swords.

Red Skull is saddened by his new and only friend’s death, but continues his endless journey across the cold abyss. He sees a cave up ahead where he decides to take shelter for the night. As he arrives at the cave entrance, he hears a lowly growl from deeper into the cave. He decides it’s best to stay near the entrance to sleep and not disturb what lays deeper. Smart dude, shouldn’t delve too deep or you might not like what you find. Although, it still ends bad for the exiled Nazi extremist, as the Wampa beast wakes before Red Skull and goes to hunt for food but finds it sitting at the entrance for him.

The Sand

“I don’t like sand. It’s coarse, rough, and irritating.” - Anakin Skywalker. Now where does someone like this’ master hermit for the rest of his life, Ben Kenobi... in the sand. In his time alone with his thoughts, he came upon a few who he could trust as alliances. Those were named as Sandworm #1-5, Sinestro, and Predi-Alien. The Crackdeezeys squad mustered up a squad to rival these sand dwelling people including Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jason Voorhees w/ Red Lantern Ring, Dr. Jekyll, and Mr. Hyde.

With such a matchup of characters, the question must be begged, who is the master of fear? Is it a man who becomes more powerful from the fear of others or is it simply a man who can make any person fearful. I find the latter to be the winner, and with the combined evil of Krampus and Mr. Hyde alongside Jason, Sinestro crumbles in fear causing the ring to implode on itself due to such cowardice and fear in its owner. While the three ganged up on the disgraced former green lantern, Predi-Alien rode atop of Sandworm #5’s back and sprouted out from the sand swallowing Mr. Hyde, alongside Dr. Jekyll’s consciousness… if there was even any left at the time. Jason rages and uses his ring to explode Sandworm #5, but not before Predi-Alien was able to jump off and land atop Sandworm #1. With his new found buddy, they make way towards Jason in a diamond formation with Sandworm #2 and #4 on left and right filled at the rear with Sandworm #3. All Jason can do is make a direct shot of rage plasma at Predi-Alien which removes the head from the rest of the body. Soon followed, the Sandworms swallow Jason whole. Krampus secretly escaped into the shadows, wishing to not fall into the same doom of his evil brethren.

Meanwhile, Old Ben calls out to the younger version of himself. Pleads him to see the wrong in this fight, that they need to work together. Although, Obi-Wan is fresh off Mustafar and Anakin’s hatred now flows through him. Old Ben quickly realizes this and understands he must square off with his younger self. They stand facing each other, glaring into the same pair of eyes as their own. The only difference is the time between each pair, the difference in age is older than Josh’s age, like clearly boomer territory, like old as shit, like old old. Anyways, Old Ben doesn’t move like he used to, so he awaits Obi-Wan's first move. As he is about to take it, the Sandworms come in and obliterate both of them. They don't even leave their lightsabers working, completely destroying both of them.

The City

This section is longer, so here’s just all the peeps from both sides for this part. I have to say, I see a lot of old white dudes, what’s up with that.

Crack Danks: Venom, Saruman (-4), Emma Frost, Black Queen (-4), Korg and Meek (both -4), Toph Beifong, Lin Beifong, Supreme Leader Snoke, The Silverhawks, Wicked Witch of East and West, Mr. Sinister, Goliath, Shredder (-4)

House Elves: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore (-4), Emperor Joker (-4), Juggernaut (-4), Agent Smith (-4), Orion (-4), Inhumans (all -4), Galvatron, T-1000, George Washington, Corbin Dallas, Shao Kahn, Ron Weasely (-4), Dick Tracy, Dark Helmet, Prince Andrew, Jeffery Epstein, Airbender #4

The McDeezeys station up on top of the highest skyscraper Saruman could find. He wanted an overview of all the fighting from the safety of above. Even so, Ron Weasely moves in for an early strike from long distance and attempts the killing curse upon Saurmon… unfortunately, Ron is still using his broken wand and the curse is reversed back onto himself. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore shakes his head and continues with the rest of the battle yet to have begun.

To start fast, Emperor Joker did some bullshit here and a bit of bullshit there with his stupid magical dumb powers that don’t deserve anything fun. Ensued the death of teammates and opponents including Galvatron, T-1000, George Washington, Corbin Dallas, Shao Kahn, Prince Andrew, Jeffrey Epstein, Venom, The Silverhawks, Wicked Witches, Mr. Sinister, and Goliath. All the while, Joker laughs his maniacal laugh for which the deaths of opponents and teammates alike is hysterical to him. Following soon after, Saruman gets to work conjuring spells to defeat the hard working non-paid servants.

Pan over to the Beifong family, and we see Korg and Meek approach the mother-daughter duo. “Hi, my name’s Korg. This is Meek” said in the exact voice you just read that in. Toph, being blind, asks, “Are you made of rocks? Sweet!” And before Korg can even respond, she dismantles the Kronan and shapes him into sharp pieces. She decimates the 4 Airbenders along with Dick Tracy and Dark Helmet, but unfortunately paid no attention to Meek in the process and shredded him to pieces, as well. By this time, Saurman was able to conjure a spell that sent New Gods back to their planet without the possibility of ever leaving it again. Therefore, Orion is quickly sucked back to his world, but not before he grabs a hold of Lin Beifong with such a forceful hug that her eyes pop out of her head.

Juggernaut has had enough of this old white dude in a tower. He begins to run towards the base of the building picking up more and more momentum until he finally crashes into the building and then out the other side. The structure begins to crumble beneath Saruman and he falls far to his fateful death. Toph, stricken with the grief of her daughter’s murder, becomes enraged and sets her eyes to Juggernaut. She is of no match though, so Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore quickly sends a spell to kill Toph before she endures a painful squash from Juggernaut.

All along, Agent Smith has been on his own agenda, slowly turning enemies and supposed friends into himself. He got a hold of Emma Frost, Shredder, and all the Inhumans. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore notices Agent Smith approaching him and implores the sharply dressed man to see reason and not do this, but it’s too late. Another agent came from behind and turned the great Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore into Agent Smith. Meanwhile, other agents turned Juggernaut and the slow moving Supreme Leader Snoke. The rest of the agents gather up to turn Black Queen, as well. She begins to suck the life force out of them to try and gain power but she cannot do it quick enough before the agents grab a hold of her. All that remains are the agents and Emperor Joker, which after long consideration, Joker decides it will be fun and happily accepts Agent Smith to turn him.

Final Survivors

As Arsenal and Batgirl are assessing survivors from each section, they determine that they will easily win and need to simply clean up the rest of Crackdeezeys. But they did not calculate for a certain being lurking in the depths that could change the tide. Out emerges THE BALROG OF MORIA!! Batgirl and Arsenal delved too deep into the cave and awoke the massive balrog to their own demise. The demon makes quick work of the two humans dressed in costumes. The Balrog of Moria is satisfied and returns to the shadows to live out the rest of its days.

As confusion of what just happened is going around the comms of the House Elves, Krampus is able to sneak up on Santa and his crew and kill all of them, claiming Santa had abused him far too long. At the same time, the Sandworms continue to eat and eat which leads to them feasting on each other, unfortunately leading to all 4 Sandworms perishing. Even worse, Wampa falls through thin ice and into open water where Jaws 3 comes and eats the massive beast. Things have quickly turned a 180 on the House Elves and victory does not seem so definite. Superman has finally had enough of the chaos and goes full berserker mode on Krampus and Jaws 3, completely incinerating them with his heat vision…

The day is finally won. Superman falls to his knees, realizing he just committed two murders. But then he realizes they were more animal than human so he doesn’t feel as bad. Although, it is long enough for the agents to come forth and turn the only remaining survivor. All that lives are all the Agent Smiths, with no Neo to stop him...

Universe Bowl XII Playoffs Round 1: Sith Aids vs Crack Danks

 * -Indicates 4 Death

Sith Aids: Grimlock*, Starkiller*, Weapon H, Naruto, Razorclaw*, Divebomb*, Headstrong*, Rampage*, Tantrum*, Anakin Skywalker*, Captain Rex*, Grand Moff Tarkin, General Veers, 501st StormTroopers 6-10*, Baby Sand Works 2-10, Mark Dantonio, Tom Izzo, Anakin Skywalker's Spirit, Cosmic Spiderman*, Velociraptor 1 *, Utahraptor 1*, Utahraptor 2, Darth Sion*, Director Krennic, George Albino, Lizzy, The Wolf, Kyle and Conner, Stormtroopers 7-10*, Watto, 4-Lom, Zuckuss, Gnaw*, Dinobot, Chop Shop*, Venom, Ransack*, Barrage*, Dengar, Savage Opress*, Feral*, Snowtroopers 1-10, Scout Troopers 1-10, Jedi Younglings 3-12*, Jedi Youngling 13-15, Colonel Starck, Ultra Man*, Winnie the Pooh

Crack Danks: Venom, Dr Manhattan w/ White Lantern Ring, Deathstroke, Joker and Harley Quinn, Mephisto*, Tommy Oliver w/ Dragon Lord Flute and Chest Shield, Ares, Apollo, Vampire Magneto* w/ Orange Lantern Ring, Korg and Meek, Voltron of the Mid Universe, Zombie Captain Marvel, Lord Zed and Rita Repulsa, Sasuke, Jugo, Karin, Suigetsu, Leonardo* w/ Katana Blades, Prometheus, Grey Worm w/ Indigo Lantern Ring, Black Queen

In the Forest Deathstroke, Korg and Meek, and Tommy Oliver were tracking Stormtroopers 7-10, Scout Troopers 1-10, and Grand Moff Tarkin. Upon the opening of the battle Starkiller, Director Krennic, Dengar, Watto,  4-Lom, and Zuckuss ambushed the Crack Danks team. From not too far behind Black Queen and Grey Worm came to back them up. In the carnage Meek, all the scout troopers, Tommy Oliver, Watto, 4-Lom and Zuckuss were all killed. 

Krennic, Stormtroopers 7-10, Tarkin, and Starkiller mounted an intense offense of the Crack Danks squad as they were split up. Crack Danks lost Korg and Black Queen, but Sith Aids lost Tarkin and the Stormtroopers. Lord Zed and Rita were preparing magic when Anakin's Spirit began messing with them. Upon distracting them the dinos and Weapon H decended upon them and killed Rita. In the fight Prometheus finished his crack sprite and came to the aid of his Zed helping him kill the dinos. 

Deathstroke and Grey Worm prepared to die in the next fight with Director Krennic, Dengar, and Starkiller. Zed and Prometheus killed Weapon H and banished Anakin’s Spirit. While searching for their allies they found Winnie the Pooh eating honey while sitting on some logs. They decided to kill the bear just to be safe, but Starkiller ambushed them and finished them off. Starkiller and Winnie the Pooh made off for the city.

In the Arctic Snowtroopers 1-10, General Viers, Colonel Stark, Jedi Younglings 3-12*, Jedi Youngling 13-15 were holding out the Tostitos™ Sith Arctic Bunker #ad. General Veers had this grand scheme of making all the jedi younglings become Fortnite pros and twitch streamers to generate income, so they would be locked in here for hours at a time forced to play. Jedi Younglings 13-15 all died of boredom even before Crack Danks showed up.
Dr Manhattan rolled up to the compound and was detected by the Snowtroopers who opened fire. Unfortunately for them they were fighting Dr Manhattan, and he quickly dusted all of them. Veers and Starck made for the Younglings hoping that unleashing the pure gamer rage might be enough to defeat Dr Manhattan. It wasn’t. Dr Manhattan deleted the entire bunker from existence and made his way to the City.

In the Desert, Karin instantly became aware of the movements beneath her and the rest of her team. The baby sandworms were battling out a fight for dominance but were becoming aware of other targets in their territory. The mission to kill Naruto must be completed though as the team tracks him to a rocky platform in the middle of the desert. As Sasuke approached him, Savage and his brother lept from behind some rocks and lunged at him. Sasuke easily dodged them and countered, killing Feral.
The rest of Taka leapt forward. Naruto instantly started throwing out the sauce puting Karin in her place and knocking her out. Sasuke began mixing it up with Naruto, which also involved the disfigurement of the area. The Sandworms began their attacks on the surface as Baby Sandworms 2-3 died from the Jutsu. Jugo and Suigetsu began their fight with Savage on the backfoot. With the death of his brother he became enraged, hellbent on destroying anything in front of him. Savage clipped both of them, but they quickly regenerated. Part of Suigetsu’s water falling on the ground immediately drew the ire of sandworms. Soon enough they were leaping from the surface throwing everyone around. Sasuke entered Susanoo and saved Jugo and Karin, but Suigtsu was left to the sandworms. He used his water guns to kill Baby Sandworms 4-5, but fell to number 6. Sasuke then killed Sandworms 6-8 with his Susanoo. Naruto lept back in Kurama form to battle Sasuke.
Jugo and Karin hopped out of the Susanoo and fought Savage again. This time Karin got split and Jugo got overpowered. Ares showed up and killed Savage and then turned to watch Naruto and Sasuke. The two of them fought for hours that felt like days, trading blows back and forth endlessly. Eventually the two of them were about out of chakra, slowly fighting on the ground when the last two sandworms ate them both. Ares killed the last two baby Sandworms and moved to the city.

 
In Space I saw the Predacons take control of the moon. Zombie Captain Marvel and Voltron of the Middle Universe moved in to test their opponents. The Predacons always loved a fight and a fierce battle took place. The Predacons did a good job attacking Voltron and damaged many parts of its giant body. With Voltron damaged, Headstrong, Tantrum, and Rampage go for the kill but Captain Marvel defends the attack. Voltron destroys Tantrum, but Razorclaw and Divebomb clap him up. 

Captain Marvel fought the 4 Predacons to decent success but Razor and Dive bomb were tearing her fragile zombie body.  She finished rampage and Headstrong before Razor and Dive finished her off. They headed off for the city. 

In the City the battle was decided. Unfortunately for Sith Aids and all their Giant Robots, Grimlock, Gnaw, Dinobot, Chop Shop, Ransack, Venom, Barrage, Ultra Man, Razorclaw, and Divebomb, Magneto was rolling through. He quickly dismantled and crushed all of the robots. Venom and Cosmic Spiderman were having an intense battle but Cosmic Spiderman easily resisted and defeated the symbiote. Dr Manhattan began fighting Spiderman. The two of them were extremely powerful and the battle looked like it could have gone either way. They quickly began dismantling each other atom by atom and before I knew it they were both gone. Ares and Apollo decided to kill the 3 beasts, George Albino, Lizzy, and The Wolf. Being much more powerful than all of them they made easy work of them

Conner, Kyle, Mark Dantonio, and Tom Izzo were all just getting a sandwich and Kyle was getting into college football with Mark Dantonio while they watched it all go down. Anakin, Captain Rex, 501st StormTroopers 6-10, Starkiller, and Darth Sion grouped up to fight Joker and Harley Quinn, Mephisto, Magneto, and Leonardo.  The 5 Crack Danks players fought hard and were able to kill Rex, Starkiller, and Sion, but Sith aids cut down Joker, Harley Quinn, Mephisto, and Leonardo. Anakin and his troops pushed Magneto, who at this point had been reinforced by Ares and Apollo. Anakin and the bois gunned down Ares and Apollo, but it gave Magneto the perfect opportunity to finish them off. Magneto finished off Winnie the Pooh Kyle, Conner, Mark Dantonio, and Tom Izzo.