Post like a Man

I'm Sorry. I didn't think I would have to do this but I have disabled Anonymous posting for the comments.

For the last month or so, I have been deleting the asinine, unoriginal comments that have been posted using the Anonymous option.  So for the time being, you will need a Google account to post a comment on a post.  If this continues to get abused, my other options beside this is to A) moderate every comment, or B) Turn off comments altogether. And I'm not Heimdall. I'll tell you right now that the last thing I am going to do is spend my day approving comments.

Now I'm pretty sure it is someone in the league or one of their pals but I don't know for sure. So if you know who it is, kindly ask them to follow these simple rules for ending their life as a useless troll:

Throw away that crusty sock under your desk
Move out of Mommy's basement
Cut your greasy hair
Quit your job at Gamestop
Go find a fucking bridge to jump off.

I know some of you like to post your comments without using a google login, and for this I apologize for the inconvenience.  But someone had to go and piss in the punch bowl and ruined the party.

-Fizzle out.

Season Seven: Consolation Matches: Round 1: Mitchy's Luminous Tentacle Warriors vs The Royal Highness

Mitchy’s Luminous Tentacle Warriors is Jaina Solo

The Royal Highness are Hank Chien, Ninja Gaiden and Looney Tunes Gremlin #1

“I name you the Sword of the Jedi. You are like tempered steel, purposeful and razor-keen. Always you shall be in the front rank, a burning brand to your enemies, a brilliant fire to your friends. Yours is a restless life, and never shall you know peace, though you shall be blessed for the peace that you bring to others. Take comfort in the fact that, though you stand tall and alone, others take shelter in the shadow you cast”

-       Luke Skywalker

Hank Chien: This stage is so easy. Did you know I can beat this stage super easy? I almost never die in it.

Gremlin: Oh that’s funny cause I have never died in this stage. Which makes me better then you Hank.

Hank Chien laughs, a laugh that makes the Ninja and the Gremlin look at each other. They both have a look of shock on their face and then attempt to change the subject.

Ninja Gaiden: So we are fighting a Jedi I hear? Is she any good?

Hank Chien: (Laughs again) You are joking right?

Ninja Gaiden: Joking about what?

Hank Chien: We are fighting Jaina Solo. You know, the one who is known as The Sword of the Jedi. She is the only known Sword of the Jedi. Nobody else has ever been given such a grand distinction before.

Gremlin: Yeah Ninj, it’s Jaina Solo. You know who that is, the wife of Jagged Fell.

Hank Chien: Give me a break Gremey, she is so much more then just somebody’s wife. Plus she didn’t marry Jagged until well after 40 ABY.

Ninja Gaiden: ABY?

Hank Chien: Seriously? You don’t know what ABY means?

Ninja Gaiden: Should I?

Gremlin: Come on Ninj, 40 years after the Battle of Yavin. Everyone knows this.

Ninja Gaiden: I can pretend to know what the Battle of Yavin is but you both know I would not be able to sell that lie.

Hank Chien: (Cleary annoyed) The Battle of Yavin is where Luke Skywalker and the Rebel Alliance destroyed the first Death Star. It was the first major blow the Rebel’s put on the Galactic Empire, eventually leading to the Battle of Endor, which ended the Emperor’s reign over the Galaxy.

Gremlin: And after many years Han and Leia had children, one of which was Jaina. Her and her twin brother Jacen fought side by side for many years until Jacen turned to the dark side.

Hank Chien: Yeah, Jaina and Jacen were both fighting for Rogue Squadron at the time; I believe this was during the Blockade of Corellia.

Gremlin: Yeah, it was. During that blockade though, Jaina became disenchanted with Jacen’s increasingly aggressive behavior and the two finally split. Soon after this he turned to the dark side and became known only as Darth Caedus. A Sith Lord, just as his grandfather had become years before him.

Hank Chien: Yeah, the turn was very difficult on Jaina but it did not stop her from continuing down the path of good. She eventually destroyed her former brother in a light saber duel on the Star Destroyer called Anakin Solo.

Gremlin: With the help of Mandalore Boba Fett I believe.

Hank Chien: Yeah, I think you are right. That is only the tip of the iceberg though.

Gremlin: Oh you don’t need to tell me that. You haven’t even mentioned the fact that she helped thwart the second Imperium and made damn well sure that Zekk abandon the dark side, making sure he went back and rejoined the Jedi.

Hank Chien: That’s because I was going to first mention that well before she married her current husband, she teamed up with him and Zekk on a mission to hunt down the renegade Dark Jedi Alema Rar.

Gremlin: Speaking of Dark Jedi, you forget to talk about the time that her and her uncle Luke fought against…

Hank Chien: Abeloth? Of course I was going to mention how Luke and her fought against Abeloth. I just thought it was more important to bring up the fact that after Chief of State Natasi Daala pushed Luke out of the Jedi Order, Jaina almost single handedly created the covert group Darkmeld, which helped the order lead the coup to remove Daala from power.

Gremlin: Good point, that did happen first.

Hank Chien: That is why I wanted to tell him that, he should know the complete truth.

Gremlin: Well if you want him to know the complete truth then we have to tell him about the Trickster Goddess Yun-Harla, she was known as the Avatar for her after all.

Hank Chien: Well duh, everyone knows that. I bet he didn’t know that she trained at the Jedi Praxeum?

Gremlin: The Jedi Praxeum? The most ignorant microbe knows about the Praxeum. How about the fact that she not only became part of the Killik Community but that in the Dark Nest Crisis and the Swarm War…

Hank Chien: …that she fought on the side of the Killik’s against the Chiss? Yeah, I’m sure he knows that one as well. The barrels in this stage know about the Swarm War and the Killik’s you idiot.

Ninja Gaiden: Speaking of those barrel’s you guys…where are they? I thought we would be avoiding them like crazy the entire time we were in here.

Hank Chien: That is strange, even in the first level there are many more barrels then this. Unless…are you thinking what I’m thinking Gremy?

Gremlin: Oh yeah Hanky Panky, it’s her! It’s Jaina!

Hank Chien: Oh my god, there she is!

Gremlin: Look Ninj, there’s Jaina!

Hank Chien: Not only is she the most powerful Jedi in the long history of the order, she is also the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.

Gremlin: I love you Jaina!

Ninja Gaiden: That’s great you guys, we let her get to the top of the stage with all the barrels and fire at her disposal and we are still on the bottom floor.

Hank Chien: Hey, that’s why she’s the best. And trust me, coming from me that is saying something.

Gremlin: Okay Hank “I sometimes let a barrel kill me” Chien.

Ninja Gaiden: You can probably associate that nickname to all three of us because if that is what I think it is, we are all f@#$ed!

Moment’s later about two hundred or so barrels came crashing down on the three Highness members, killing them all quite violently. All the while Jaina Solo stood at the top of the stage, knowing full well that she truly did live up to the name that her uncle Luke bestowed upon her. The Sword of the Jedi will forever live on.

Season 7, Week 1 Consolation Match: Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies vs. Griswold's Nut-busters

“Roll out the barrel; we’ll have a barrel of fun.”

            -Andrews Sisters [Beer Barrel Polka - Roll Out The Barrel”]

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 7, Week 1 Consolation Match located at the Barrel Stage of Donkey Kong. They are as follows:

 Murderflies: Big Bertha and Quick Draw McGraw.

Nut-busters: Jinx with Star Sapphire ring and Skrull #1.

A LOUD CRASH IS HEARD AS A BARREL STRIKES THE GROUND FLOOR. 

Let the match begin. . .

Quick Draw McGraw, sharpshooters drawn, cautiously follows Big Bertha up the ladders in an attempt to reach the top of the skeletal building.   Jinx, utilizing her Star Sapphire ring, flies to the scene.  Quick Draw fires both guns at the ninja, who easily dispels with the projectiles by using a ring-inspired shield.  Jinx then flies by the obese Big Bertha and lands behind the anthropomorphic horse.  Quick Draw fires his guns again and grazes Jinx’s shoulder.  In response, Jinx creates a sword, flies at McGraw and slices the Hanna Barbara character’s guns in half.  McGraw gallops away and shuttles down a ladder, allowing Bertha to slam into Jinx.  Jinx shrugs off the blow and flies toward a weaponless McGraw.

Jinx:  You are dead, my friend.

McGraw:  Never say dead until. . .

Jinx uses her ring to create a sword, which immediately lops off the head of Quick Draw McGraw.

Jinx:  Too bad you didn’t finish that worldly saying, horse.

Jinx begins to hover as Big Bertha becomes enraged at the death of her teammate. The Great Lakes Avenger vomits her fat onto Jinx, who falls to the ground.  Before Jinx can recover from the purged slime encasing her body, Big Bertha lifts a stray barrel and smashes it over the head of Jinx, crushing her skull. 

Bertha begins to climb the ladders again, fat dripping from her mouth.  About half way up the structure, she sees Donkey Kong lumber out of a side doorway.  The ape grins, growls and begins to throw barrels down the way.  Bertha smashes one after another as they approach her.  She reaches Kong, who transforms into Skrull #1.  Before she reverts to her large stature, he shoots her in the face with his weapon.  Her mouth remains in a gaping maw, burnt flesh around her lips, as she falls to her death and craters the ground beneath her.

Skrull #1:  Turns out Bertha is the biggest loser. . .

 

 

Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches Vs. The Empire

Beckerman’s Backyardigans: Beeyatches are Shang Tsung (w/ a Yellow Lantern Ring).

The Empire is Watchdog #4 & 5 and Decepticon Decoy #1.


[From behind the oil drum, where they are safe from the falling barrels, The Empire is engaged in a brilliant conversation].


“THIS IS SOME BULL CRAP”!! Says Eric (Watchdog #5).

He continues: “We should totes be in the play-offs dawg!! If it wasn’t for B-3 beating us in the space week, when we didn’t even put up a space team we would be rockin the first round RIGHT NOW!!”!

“Dude, relax. We didn’t have it this year. This year was just a bonus anyway. Our three year plan wasn’t supposed to get us into the play-offs until next season anyway. Besides, at least we get the start again. They never start us Watchdogs unless it is the Consolation Round”. Says Gilson (Watchdog #4).

Eric interrupts: “Yeah, whatever dude. We got jobbed!! This is total B.C.!! But at least we get to play B-3 this week and get some revenge. We are gonna smoke those turkeys. They got wasted by those loser Midgets in the last week of the year and now we get to add insult to injury. That Pablo guy is a total tool, and I can’t wait to put the old watchdog helmet right where the Backyard Sun don’t shine IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!”!

Eric (who is totally on a sick roll) continues: “By the way, who are you Purple Dude”??

“Oh, me?? I’m Decepticon Decoy #1, AKA: LeRoy. We’ve only been on the same team together for like three years bro!! I’m a Decepticon Decoy, which means that although I don’t have any real powers of my own, people get scared away , right away because I look just like a REAL Decepticon, except we are just way smaller and completely purple. Me for instance, I look exactly like Starscream… Or maybe it is supposed to be Thundercracker, or perhaps Skywarp. I mean I am a pretty much a total mirror image, accept that like I said, I’m way smaller and purple”.

Gilson looks puzzled and says: “But, … I mean it is pretty obvious that you aren’t the real Decepticon, because the real version is way bigger and NOT purple. So, what do you really do??”?

LeRoy then begins a stunning response when Shang Tsung rockets through his chest with a blaze of yellow energy.

The two Watchgogs, Eric and Gilson then form up and prepare for melee battle. Scorpion first begins by throwing his harpoon at Eric who ducks and says: “Look out Cuz, Scorpion’s attacking us”.

“That’s impossible dude. Scorpion is on The Slaves and they are in the play-offs!! Now LOOK OUT!! Sub-Zero is shooting ice at us!!”! Says Gilson.

“WHAT?!!?. Sub –Zero is on The Syracuse Valley”!! Says Eric.

“Syracuse Valley?!!? Yeah, like 4 years ago!!”!

Their enemy’s comments, translated from Japanese say: “I’m Shang Tsung you MORONS!! I can be anybody from the whole Mortal Kombat Universe”.

Shang Tsung then turns into Mileena and puts two Sai Daggers in Eric’s face and then transforms back into himself to hit Gilson with a MK-1 “retro” triple shot fire into his chest. Tsung then transforms into Goro just for a quick Four-Arm muscle flex to show off!!

Real Man's Rabble Rousers Vs. Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse

Real Man’s Rabble Rousers are Nom Anor (w/ a Red Lantern Ring).

Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse is Jason Todd (w/ Cannon Fire Gun, Armor Skin, and a Mithril Vest), and Robert Hudson (w/ Laser Gun, Laser Sword, and Mewtoo).


The translation from Japanese could not be more correct, for it is crazy and Kongy in this match right from the start as the barrels are falling like mad. As Hudson, Todd, and Mewtoo are leaping over one, two, and even three barrels at a time in an effort that would makle even Steve Wiebe proud, I have no idea why Nom Anor is so pissed off as he is just spewing red energy vomit everywhere to destroy the barrels before they roll him over.

The Grindhousers are turning it into quite a competition as Jason turns back to Robert and yells: “Come on dude, I know you’re a gamer let’s do this. If you were a video game company, you’d be “Hudson Soft””!!

“OH!! SICK BURN” Yells Mewtoo to his boy Robert as Rob is repeatedly attempting to climb the same broken ladder to no avail.

“What the Hell, Mewtoo, I thought you were my sidekick and straight up Bro FO Life”. Says Hudson in a whiny voice.

“You know I am Big H (that’s what Mewtoo calls him, it’s kinda creepy), but when a burn is that sick I gotta call it like I see it SON”!!

Hudson sneers as he says: “Give me a break guys, I’m just a little out of shape. Most of us on the team are after this past year of bench riding. I mean it is kind of weird that I have been the guy who everybody made fun of for the “ALL VAMPS” strategy for all these years and now I end up being a character on the one team that for some reason actually brought the strategy back”.

After this amazing exchange, the best Grindhouse Squad that has been played all season forms up as they notice that Nom Anor has grabbed the upper level hammer in a rage and is coming at them. The hammer swings wildly, and red energy flies about even more wildly as Nom Anor comes at them. Jason Todd gets hits square in the chest with a blast of red lantern power, which knocks him to the ground and even starts to eat away at his cannon skin as his last line of defense his Mithril Vest stops the energy from breaking through and hurting him. Todd regains his composure and starts firing his Cannon Gun, while Robert backs him up with his laser gun. As Anor gets closer, Hudson switches to his laser sword but Nom Anor brings the last swing of his hammer down hard to take him out.

Todd flips back onto the scene and begins to kung fu the hell out of Nom Anor. Nom Anor finds himself at a disadvantage in the melee battle but unleashes his entire cache of specially mutated spores on the former Batman sidekick to burn through the Mithril Vest and Armor Skin alike. But as Batman’s sidekick falls, it is Rob Hudson’s sidekick who swings around the top scaffold and then hits the Yuuzhan Vong politician with a full force Psychic Blast to finish off The Rabble Rouser’s one man team.