Saturday, March 19, 2016

Season 9, Week 2 Match: George Washington's Slaves vs. The Royal Highness

“Darth Shemalyah bent the existent Sith principles to serve her needs.  Instead of the known Rule of Two, Darth Shemalyah spawned not one, but two apprentices, Nik Landsoh and Brek Nyram. Together the three wreaked havoc upon the Universe, beginning with the Core Worlds.”

                                    Sith Holocron –unearthed in Sector 2356.

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 9, Week 2 Match located in the waters outside Otah Gungah.  They are as follows:

George Washington’s Slaves: Darth Shemalyah, Nik Landsoh, Brek Nyram, S.U.R.F. Sharkskin, S.U.R.F. Eel, S.U.R.F. Undertow and Kryptonian Army Soldiers #1-6.  1, 2 , 3 ,4, 5, 6

The Royal Highness: Naga, Romat Ru, Ariel, Zombie Michelangelo, Doozer #3, Deep Six: Attuma, Nagal, Orca, Pirahna, Sea Urchin and Tiger Shark, Pretender Monsters: Birdbrain, Bristleback, Icepick, Scowl, Slog, and Wildfly (Monstructor),  Davy Jones, Marcus, Ratlin, Penrod, Angler and Koleniko on the Flying Dutchman.

Let the battle begin. . .

Above the Waters. . .

Flying in the air, three cloaked figures stand on the backs of six beneath their feet.  Darth Shemalyah is situated on Kryptonian Army Soldiers #1 and #2, while Nik Landsoh is positioned on Soldiers #3 and #4 and Brek Nyram on Soldiers #5 and #6.  The nine Slaves fly over the waters outside Otah Gungah.

Brek Nyram:  Feasting on the souls of the Highness will quench my thirst for death.

Nik Landsoh:  And my need for destruction.

Darth Shemalyah:  Be patient my apprentices, that time will be short in coming.  Look!

Darth Shemalyah notices the Flying Dutchman skimming above the waters in a cloud of fog, green luminescence shining within the mist.

Flying Dutchman. . .

Davy Jones’ clawed hands clench the steering column of the ship.  He scans his crew, anticipating the battle to come, hoping that his men are ready for the Slaves.  Jones looks up to Doozer #3, who stands in the crow’s nest.  Doozer #3 chirps and hollers to his teammates as he notices the flying enemy combatants.

Doozer #3:  Slaves!  Approaching north by northwest! In the sky!  They’re coming in the. . .

A snap hiss is heard and Shemalyah’s red blade ignites.  The Sith Lord, on the backs of the Kryptonian Soldiers, comes upon the nest.  Shemalyah gracefully spins and slices Doozer #3 in two.  She then back flips off of her flying man and lands on her feet in a crouching position on the platform.  She looks down and smiles.

Air. . .

Kryptonian Army Soldiers #3 and 4 carry Nik Landsoh.  A yellow fist races toward the trio.  Landsoh jumps above the construct, but Kryptonian Soldier #3 is hit squarely in the chest.  Landsoh manages to land on Kryptonian Army Solder #4 and flies on, while #3 hurtles toward the waters below due to the blow of Romat Ru.   Ru uses his ring again to strike  Soldier #3.  #3 falls to the waters below and is engulfed by the giant Monstructor, who crushes the Kryptonian.  Brek Nyram and Kryptonian Soldiers #5 and #6 race to assist Landsoh and Soldier #4.  The five Slaves are too much for Romat Ru and the Xudarian perishes in the melee, losing his ring in the process.  Landsoh looks at his right index finger and smiles.

Landsoh:  Nothing like a little assistance from the enemy!

Nyram:  Show them what you are made of Landsoh!

Landsoh smirks and leaps off of the Kryptonian whom he rides.  The Sith apprentice lands on one of the top most masts of the Dutchman.

Flying Dutchman.  .  .

Landsoh steadies himself on the beam beneath his feet.  As Landsoh balances across the beam, he is met by Zombie Michelangelo. 

Zombie Michelangelo: Booyakasha!

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle spins his dual nunchucks and races toward the Sith.    Landsoh defends himself and twists over and around the zombie.  In mid-air, Landsoh slices the arm off of Michelangelo, carrying one of the nunchucks to the deck below.  Landsoh lands on the beam and turns to the zombie.  Landsoh parries a blow of Michelangelo and then lops the head off of Zombie Michelangelo.

Landsoh:  Bababooie!

On the deck of the Flying Dutchman, Davy Jones barks orders at his crew.  Marcus, Ratlin, Penrod, Angler and Koleniko rush toward the canons and shift the guns’ barrels  up.  The crew members shove the specially made cannonballs into their chambers and light the wicks.  Two projectiles explode from the canons and straight into Kryptonian Army Soldier #6.  Jones specifically thought of this situation and laced the balls with kryptonite.  Soldier #6 is shot through the stomach and the Kryptonian’s head becomes a spray of brain and blood.  Nyram gains his balance from the melee and maintains his flight, utilizing #5.

Penrod:  Captain!  Your kryptonite cannonballs worked!

Jones:  Of course they worked!  Now man the guns again and go for the others!

The men begin to load the canons again.

Waters. . .

A beautiful song is heard, emitted from the waters near the Dutchman.  Shemalyah is now controlling the flight of Kryptonian Solider #1.  The two soar toward the water below.  Before another word is sang from the red-haired mermaid, Shemalyah slices Ariel in half with her lightsaber.  Shemalyah looks at the halved body. 

Shemalyah: You don’t want to be a part of my world fish!

Water Depths. . .

The Atlantean mutants, being S.U.R.F. Sharkskin, S.U.R.F. Eel and S.U.R.F. Undertow battle against the Deep Six: Attuma, Nagal, Orca, Pirahna, Sea Urchin and Tiger Shark, along with Naga.  The underwater combatants utilize their skills and abilities against one another, using the tidal landscape to each individual’s advantage.  A bloody battle ensues, the gnashing of razor sharp teeth and slashing of pointed claws storming throughout the fight.  At the end of the skirmish only Naga and Attuma survive.

Flying Dutchman. . .

The remaining Kryptonian Soldiers avoid the additional cannon balls shot from the guns of the Dutchman.  By this time, Darth Shemalyah, Nik Landsoh and Brek Nyram all stand on the deck of the ship.  The acolyte’s lightsabers are ignited and they stare at the boat’s crew members.  Darth Shemalyah looks at her apprentices.

Shemalyah:  I expect for you both to dispense with them in minutes!

It only takes seconds though as Landsoh and Nyram cut through Marcus, Ratlin, Penrod, Angler and Koleniko.   The blood curdling screams of the deceased still echo in the area after their bodies hit the deck.  Davy Jones draws his cutlass.

Davy Jones:  Shemalyah.  I hope you know you have not earned the moniker of Darth.  You are but a blip of non-recognition in this Universe!

Darth Shemalyah:  I.  Am.  The.  Universe.

Shemalyah holsters her lightsaber and shoots her hands out at Jones.  Force lightning sprays from her fingers and fries the tentacle-headed pirate.  Jones drops to the ground, his dead body smoldering on the deck.

Dutchman’s Debris Field. . .

The entire Flying Dutchman crew is deceased.  Naga and Attuma burst from the waters to the scene.  They look at each other and with a signal, both jump to the waters again as the immense Monstructor bursts through the ship’s hull.  The trio of Sith are thrown into the air, waiting to be swallowed by Monstructor’s maw before being rescued by Kryptonian Army Soldiers #1, 2, 4 and 5.  The Sith are dropped off on the debris of the ship while the Soldiers battle the Transformer.  As a precautionary measure, the Highness melded kryptonite to the Transformer’s component entities.  Thus, although the Soldiers manage to dismantle the Pretenders, being Birdbrain, Bristleback, Icepick, Scowl, Slog, and Wildfly, they also succumb to their planet’s deadly mineral.
    
The Sith are then struck by Attuma and Naga.  The water dwellers fight with the vicious trio and manage to wound both Nyram and Landsoh, but the duo is no match for the trio.  Attuma and Naga fall.  The three look at the detritus of wood and blood of bodies littered across the waters.

Darth Shemalyah:  Next time I expect nothing less than a flawless victory.  The fact that you are both injured shows a weakness that is not acceptable.  Weakness.  Is.  Not.  Acceptable.

 

 

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Season 9 Standings

I will keep this updated with a link on the right as opposed to a new post each week.  Check the link on the right to see the current standings.

Woodchipper List of Shame
Brock Sampson - Week 1
Abomitrons - Week 1
Rabble Rousers - Week 1



Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Season 9: Week 1 Match: George Washington's Slaves -vs- Team Sleeping Pussy


George Washington’s Slaves are: Steve Yzerman (Green lantern ring), Time Cheveldae (Tron Light Suit with light disc), Bill Clinton (Green Lightsaber), Hillary Clinton (Coach and Glorious Leader), Darth Shemalyah, Nik Landsoh, Brek Nyram, Brock Lesnar, Josh Houslander: Samurai Warrior, Saladin, Sonny Chiba, Captain Lou Albano, Navy Seal #21-25 & 27 and Barney Fife w/Laser Gun.

Team Sleeping Pussy is: Black Cat, Biff Tannen, Zombie Bryan Beckerman, Zombie Ryan Poteracki, Dr. Seth Brundel, Sam Malone, The Smoking Man, House MD, Al Gore, Big Jim, Mr. Fred Rodgers, Sparky Anderson, Prof. Snape, Bob the Goon, Norman Rockwell, Sherlock Holmes, Dr. John H. Watson, The Sea Captain, Agamemnon.


(Theme music plays over clips of Don Cherry acting like an idiot, wearing beautifully ugly suits and that final shot of him behind the bench of the Boston Bruins from the 1970’s)

Announcer: Coaches Corner, with Ron MacLean and Don Cherry

Don Cherry: So they are saying your name first now huh Ron?

Ron MacLean: Uh I guess so. Anyways, welcome to Coaches Corner. I am Ron MacLean and with me to my right is Don Cherry.

Don Cherry: It used to be Coaches Corner with Don Cherry, now they have your name before mine.

Ron MacLean: If you want it changed I don’t actually care.

Don: No, no Ron, I don’t care either.

Ron: Well it kind of seems like you do.

Don: I just remember when a name like Don Cherry used to mean something.

Ron: It still means something Don…

Don: Well evidently it doesn’t mean what it used to.

Ron: Are you done yet Don?

Don: I just want the kids out there to know that Don Cherry still means something in this country, this country of Canada that we still live in. A country full of beautiful Canadian people who play this great sport of hockey that we created.

Ron: Do you want to talk about the GTHL’s possible ruling on foreign players again?

Don: No I do not; I just want the kids out there to know that Canadian’s deserve to have the right to be able to play the world’s greatest sport in Canada itself.

Ron: Nobody’s taking their rights away Don.

Don: Well no, that’s not completely true Ron. A lot of these foreign players are stealing the spots (points at the camera) your spots kids and that is taking away lots of opportunities…

Ron: I thought you didn’t want to talk about this.

Don: …that you can’t get back, because by the time they are 18 or 19, their chances are gone.

Ron: Are you done?

Don: Done with what?

Ron: Anyways, it is 5-0 Slaves after the first period of this game so far, quite the blood bath out there so far wouldn’t you say?

Don: What I would say Ron is this is my kind of hockey. It’s nice to finally see some good old fashioned tough play from both sides.

Ron: A little bit more then tough play I would say, wouldn’t you?

Don: No, no Ron, this just shows you how far this sport has regressed since all of these foreign players starting coming over and taking over this country’s national pastime.

Ron: I’m not quite sure that is the reason why…

Don: Oh Ron, don’t play devil’s advocate just for the sake of it, it’s of course the fault of all of these foreign players…

Ron: Well it could be argued that the United States have had more of a role in the cleaning up of this game then any other country.

Don: Chris Chelios?

Ron: What about Chris Chelios?

Don: Are you telling me that players like Chris Chelios and Derian Hatcher are the reason this game has gone soft?

Ron: Obviously Chelios and Hatcher are not the reason this game has become less violent…

Don: Then why are you bringing it up then Ron. Look, tonight’s game…

Ron: Yes, tonight’s game.

Don: …is just a good old fashion hockey game.

Ron: With a massive amount of illegal violence.

Don: The way us Canadian’s meant it to be. This isn’t a sport for silly foreigners Ron.

Ron: Like I said, 5-0 Slaves after the first intermission. Steve Yzerman with all five Slave goals so far leads the way. Not just a record for Steve but a record number of penalties for one period. 178 minutes so far, both teams playing the majority of the period 3 on 3. Bob the Goon with a possible, life time suspension they are already saying, for shooting Saladin point blank in the face with some sort of firearm.

Don: Bob the Goon, way to go me boy.

Ron: (Shaking his head) Carted off by the referee’s and then arrested by the Toronto police department.

Don: This is no worse then Marty McSorley or Todd Bertuzzi.

Ron: Well, he did die Don, which makes it a little worse.

Don: He’ll be fine.

Ron: The list of game misconduct penalties for the Slaves includes Brock Lesnar for a brutal choke hold on House MD and Al Gore, at the same time I might add. Josh Houslander for stabbing the Sea Captain in the left thigh, a bloody incident no doubt.

Don: No doubt, nice use of the stick there Joshy.

Ron: Sonny Chiba has been given a ten minute misconduct penalty for kicking Norman Rockwell in the face with his skate and the grind line of Navy Seal #21-25 for hiding out behind goaltender Tim Cheveldae and then attacking Biff Tannen, Sam Malone and Big Jim, sending them all back to the locker room with undisclosed whole body injuries.

Don: What a great period of hockey huh Ron.

Ron: The list of suspensions on the Pussy’s side includes Black Cat’s game misconduct penalty after stealing Captain Lou Albano’s stick and then beating him with it, sending him to the locker room with a possible TBI.

Don: More then possible Ron.

Ron: Another game suspension was issued to the Pussy’s via Professor Snape using the Crucio curse on Barney Fife, who then proceeded to end his own life via his own gun in what can only be described as a personal euthanasia.

Don: To be fair Ron, it is not out of the question that Barney shot himself accidentally with his gun.

Ron: Highly unlikely but okay. A hand full of ten minute misconduct penalties for both Zombies on the Pussy’s squad, which considering the events of tonight, are quite tame as all they did was try to eat several of the Slave’s players. Navy Seal #27’s return is still uncertain at this time because of it.

Don: Like I said Ron, what a great game so far. What I don’t get is the fact that not one shot on net by the Pussy’s. Every single time they have attempted to take a shot, their sticks all bent in half.

Ron: A fluke we can only assume. Anyways folks, we will be back after the end of regulation here and thank you for joining us during this extended addition of Coaches Corner…

Don: With me, Don Cherry.

Ron: Yes, with you Don. Anyways, back after regulation.


(Theme music once again plays)

Announcer: The Post Game Report, with Ron MacLean and Don Cherry

Ron: Welcome to the post game report I am Ron MacLean and as always to my right is the one and only Don Cherry.

Don: They still said your name before mine.

Ron: Indeed they did Don. More of the same in the final two periods Don, with the untimely deaths of both Hilary and Bill Clinton. The obvious multiple game suspensions is sure to come to Agamemnon as he broke his stick in half, only to stab Bill through the throat and then reaching over the bench and doing the same to the former first lady.

Don: A gutsy move by old Aggy but an ultimately successful move that helped his team greatly.

Ron: Not quite sure how it helped his team as the Slaves shut out the Pussy’s 13-0.

Don: It’s a team sport Ron and that was the ultimate sacrifice.

Ron: If you say so Don. The retaliation penalty by the Slaves grind line of the remaining Navy Seal members landed them all game misconduct penalty’s, with what could only be described as a reckoning on both Watson and Holmes, along with Mr. Rodgers, all of them being carted off to the locker room.

Don: Nobody does it like a Navy Seal huh Ron. You still think the American’s are making this game soft?

Ron: Like I said, the final score of this contest was the Slaves 13, the Pussy’s 0.

Don: Good old Stevie Y with 10 goals. How about that Ron, not too bad from one of the game’s greatest players.

Ron: Very true Don. The remaining goals by Nik Landsoh, Brek Nyram and the surprising Tim Cheveldae. The first goal ever for the goaltender.

Don: Zero shots on goal by Team Sleeping Pussy.

Ron: Indeed Don, maybe the most curious fact of this game. The Pussy’s actually ran out of sticks. The game had to be stopped multiple times as they had to go out and get more sticks from various stores in the Toronto area.

Don: Everyone knows you can only bend a stick so much, just ask Brett Hull. Another American born player that you seem to think is making this game soft.

Ron: Again not even remotely the point I was trying to make Don but okay. Anyways, that wraps us up here tonight Don. Thank you to the folks at home for watching us and as always, thanks to our sponsor Molson for everything they do for us here at the CBC. Any last words Don?

Don: Want to tip my hat to the remaining players on the Pussy’s roster for not living up to your team’s name and one more shout out to Stevie Y for showing us why he is one of the all time greats in this sport. Canadian sport that is.

Ron: Okay then, for my co-host Don Cherry and myself, thank you for watching and good night.

Don: The Bloodier the better kids, remember that.



Monday, March 14, 2016

The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets Vs. TEAM

The Midgets are:

Coach: Chuck Daly

Goalie: Dave Goverde




Line 1:

Center: Ice Bros. Blue Toad

Right Wing: Dean Cain

Left Wing: Longshot

Defense: Shia Lebouf

Defense: Mike Troup




Line 2:

Center: Air Zimmell

Right Wing: Skimmell

Left Wing: Simmell

Defense: Scrimmell

Defense: Rob Murray (Immell #3)




Line 3 (Grind Line):

Center: Ice Bros. #2

Right Wing: Ice Bros #3

Left Wing: Ice Bros #4

Defense: Ice Bros #5

Defense: Ice Bros #6




Extra skater: Billy Mays

Back up goalie: Widdle Wade



TEAM is:

-Joe Levine

-Dave Parks

-Mitchell Parks

-Shaylee

-Ethan Hunt

-Billy Lee

-The Kurgan

-Gen. Maximus Decimus Meridius

-Cypher

-Bella Cullen

-Leah

-Seth

-Jane

-Felix

-She-Man

-Afterlife Alice

-Alice

-Alice Clone #1-2

Due to extraneous circumstances, the Consortium had to come to the rescue on this match:

And in an emergency vote of 3 to 1.....


Season 9 Week 1: Sith AIDS Vs. B-3

1. Arathorn                                                   2
2. Grand Moff Tarkin                                    1
3. Eth Koth                                                   9
4. Jonia Solo                                                7
5. Bill Kelley                                                 0
6. Superpowered kiss                                  0
7. Darth Maul                                               0
8. Darth Bane                                               0
9. King Cold                                                 0
10. Frieza                                                     0
11. Cooler                                                      0
12. Aaron Griswold: Super Saiyan                0
13. Ghostface                                             2                                              Red Lightsaber
14. Lucario                                                  6
15. Capt Panaka                                         9
16. Desmond Howard                                 9
17. Plastic Man                                           6
18. Fred Weasley                                        8
19. Geoge Weasley                                    8

·         Flash- Wally West
·         Superior Spiderman (Octavius)
·         Albert (Wolverine Cyborg)
·         Tomax with Darth Rave red lightsaber 1
·         Xamot with Darth Rave red lightsaber 2
·         Kyle Broflovsky
·         Stan Marsh
·         Eric Cartman
·         Kenny McCormick
·         Terry Funk with blue lightsaber
·         Tammell (Immell 14)
·         NS5 16
·         Vampire 99
·         Wizard 2
·         Predator 44
·         Terminator 14
·         Ninja Pirate 4 WITH 9 DEATHS!!!!          
·         Cobra Viper 26
·         Army Soldier 10 (REMEMBER OUR ARMED FORCES ARE HONORED AT THE GAMES!!!)

Grand Moff Tarkin takes his AIDS team into the old Maple Leafs Gardens in Toronto, site of the opening match-up with the Backyardigans.

Tarkin: Darth Bane, take the team to the locker room and get them ready, I’m going to head up stairs and speak to the FFL guest watcher who’s in charge of today’s game.
 Darth Bane: Absolutely boss, we’ll see you downstairs.

Grand Moff Tarkin makes his way up to the official room of Maple Leaf Gardens and knocks on the door leading to a room looking over the entire ice surface. He’s stunned upon upon entering the room.

Grand Moff Tarkin: Oh no… not you.

Guest Watcher Hernandez: Ha! Nice to see you too Mr. Tarkin.

Grand Moff Tarkin: What kind of draw is this? Opening week and we seriously get the worst guest watcher FFL has ever brought to the table. You seriously know nothing about most of the characters involved in the matches.   Guest Watcher Hernandez: Oh I wouldn’t say that. I think I do pretty well for myself…

Grand Moff Tarkin: Give me a break, what about that abortion of a match you wrote last year in week one?! You totally screwed over the Slaves!   Guest Watcher Hernandez: Look both squads submitted really good teams. What I don’t understand though is why FFL owners fail to address the positional assignments in these types of games. Artrip knows baseball yet he glossed over that detail and resulted in Superman going batshit crazy.   Guest Watcher Hernandez: Did your owner provide positional assignments for today’s game?  Grand Moff Tarkin: No… he didn’t. He gave a list of weapon assignments though.  Guest Watcher Hernandez: Hmmm… convenient and typical of FFL owners when it comes to these types of matches. This is hockey… light sabers aren’t allowed.   Grand Moff Tarkin: It’s lightsaber you douche.   Guest Watcher Hernandez: Whatever they’re still not allowed in today’s game.   Grand Moff Tarkin: So what now… are you going to screw us over like you did the Slaves last year?   Guest Watcher Hernandez: No not necessarily, let me see your team.   Grand Moff Tarkin hands Hernandez the roster

Guest Watcher Hernandez: Hmm… not a bad team Mr. Tarkin. There’s only one problem.   Grand Moff Tarkin: What’s the problem, that big mole on your face?   Guest Watcher Hernandez: Hahaha, you’re funny. No the problem is the Backyardigans have a better team this week.   Grand Moff Tarkin: WHAT?! Let me see that…   Grand Moff Tarkin swipes the list away from Guest Watcher Hernandez and takes a look as the crumpled up piece of paper

Grand Moff Tarkin: Superior Spiderman, Albert, TERRY FUNK!? Yeah this is a SUPERIOR lineup…   Grand Moff Tarkin: Hold on… we have Frieza!   Guest Watcher Hernandez: Come Tarkin… no one cares about Dragon Ball Z.   Grand Moff Tarkin: Yeah I guess you’re right… anyways I better go downstairs and prepare for the worst…   Guest Watcher Hernandez: Hold on there Tarkin…   Grand Moff Tarkin: What…   Guest Watcher Hernandez: The Backyardigans’ owner didn’t submit positional assignments either.  Grand Moff Tarkin: Okay… so…   Guest Watcher Hernandez: So… I’ll make this deal with you. Forfeit the match. Give the Backyardigans the win and you’ll leave the Gardens suffering no deaths.   Grand Moff Tarkin: No deaths to my team… just the loss?  Guest Watcher Hernandez: Correct.   Grand Moff Tarkin: Well… I don’t know how my owner will quite take that… but I guess it’s better than unjustly losing lives because you don’t know what the Hell you’re doing.   Guest Watcher Hernandez: Whatever… do you accept the deal?   Grand Moff Tarkin: I’m not happy about it… but yeah I accept the deal.   Guest Watcher Hernandez: Alright… good luck the rest of the season.   Grand Moff Tarkin walks about pissed, but relieved his team didn’t suffer any deaths.   BECKERMAN’S BACKYARDIGAN’S BEEYATCHES ARE VICTORIOUS!   No deaths were suffered on either side.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

S9W1 - Kitties vs Commandos

The Super Kitties are:
Bo Schembechler (Coach), Mr. Freeze (Goalie), Andre Drummond,  Zoom, Old Man Parks, Deathstroke, Robin (Tim Drake), Robin (Damien Wayne), Penguin Suit Mario, Stephan Currie, Green Lantern Penguin, Red X (Dick Grayson), Red X, Robin (Stephanie Brown), Kid Flash, Ice Bros. #8-10, Brady Hoke
The Commandos are:
Scotty Bowman (Coach), Kris Draper, Henrik Zetterberg, Dominik Hasek (Goalie), Jiri Fischer, Jiri Slager, Darren McCarty, Brendan Shanahan, Chris Chelios, Kirk Maltby, Niklas Lidstrom, Pavel Datsyuk, Brett Hull, Igor Larionov, Luc Robataille, Mathieu Dandenault, Sean Avery, Tomas Holmstrom, Sergei Federov

The 01-02 Red Wings gather around in the Commandos locker room reminiscing about the glory days of that magical season 14 years ago. (Damn, I’m old.) McCarty is reenacting the fight with Lemieux vs the Avs in March of ‘96 (TWENTY years ago?!?!  I am really old) while the newer guys laugh.  Suddenly Jiri Fischer has a heart attack and everyone panics. Scotty starts chest compressions while Shanny does mouth to mouth. Within a few minutes, Jiri sadly passes.


“Well, let’s go win one for the Fishy” Bowman says to pump up the team.


The team suits up and heads down the tunnel to find themselves not in a rink, but a room with a Nintendo and a old tube TV. “Sweeeeet!” Screams Avery. “I played this all the time when I was a kid!”


A note taped to the TV says:


ONE PLAYER FROM EACH TEAM
ONE GAME
WINNER TAKES ALL


Avery enthusiastically volunteers to play for the Commandos while most of the Super Kitties try to figure out what to do with the controller.  Hoke’s only expierience with video games is yelling at his kids to turn theirs off. The team volunteers Old Man Parks to play on their behalf. The game starts and Parks chooses USA with the standard line of 1 skinny, 2 mediums and a fat guy. Avery goes with Canada, adjusts the speed to 5 and ups the time to 15 minutes. He also swaps out the 2 medium guys for skinnies opting for speed.


The whistle blows and the game starts Avery wins the opening face off and moves the puck quickly down the ice with the skinny guys passing multiple times until shooting it back to the point where the fat guy rips a slap shot past the goalie.


“Oh, come on! The net is smaller in soccer!” Screams the Kitties in protest.  Avery and the Commandos just laugh as he wins face off after face off and score 8 times before Parks can net one for the Kitties. The score is 19-4 as the zambonis clear the ice during the second intermission when Mr. Freeze has had enough of the shenanigans and freezes the entire commandos team along with the TV and Nintendo.  Deathstroke and all the Robins proceed to smash all the commandos into fragments just like when Arnold shot the T-1000 in T2.


“Game Over” says Mr. Freeze.
“Yeah, for us!” Says Bo holding a broken controller by the cord.

Season 9 Week 1: Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies Vs. REAL MAN'S RABBLEROUSERS

Ah, the good ol' hockey game! It's the best game you can name! There are so many great reasons to love the sport. I think I'll name a few.

Killing some beers in the parking lot of your choice prior to the game.
Climbing the ever daunting stairs at The Joe after said beers.
The smell of artificially chilled air as you enter the arena.
The awesome statues of Red Wing greats that line the concorse.
The usher giving you grief for trying to enter while the puck is still in play.
Overpriced beer at the venue.
That feeling when you realize your personal pizza costs double what a Hot and Ready does.
The lovely cramp in your leg when sitting in a seat meant for people 5 foot 5 and under. (Apparently)
And who could forget pissing in a trough.
But most importantly, the fact that none of the annoyances matter when your boys score.

So why am I rambling on about inconsequential hockey nuances when I should be describing the game at hand? Because there is no game to comment on. Neither team sent in a roster, so i have to drop the nigh unprecedented "Double DQ Hammer"(TM). Or as the always loquacious Nickatu put it:

"CHIPPER TIME MOTHATRUKAZ!!!"

The Royal Highness Vs. The Moist Mafia

The Royal Highness is: Line 1 (all line order goes LW, C, RW, D, D) Black Flash, Axe Cop, Justice, Brolly, Anti-Man, Line 2: Reverse Flash, The Magician, Agent Smith, Sleep, Death, Rex Splode, Robot, Line 3: Atom Eve, Immortal, Dupli-Kate, Goalie: Omni-Man, Backup Goalie: Monster Girl, Coach: The Maker, and Extra Skater: Hugh Glass.

The Moist Mafia is: Line 1: Jim Craig, Steve Janaszak, Bill Baker, Ken Morrow, The Saint of All Killers, Line 2: Josh O' Callahan, Mike Ramsay, Bob Suter, Neal Broten, Doomed, Dave Christian, Line 3: Steve Christoff, Mike Eruzine, John Constantine, Black Orchid, Goalie: Zatanna, Backup Goalie: Nightmare Nurse, Coach: Geoff Johns, and Extra Skater: Madame Xanadu.


GOOD EVENING Hockey fans, I am Joshatu the great and powerful coming at you LIVE from the former home of the Detroit Vipers, The Palace of Auburn Hills. It's true everybody, I didn't know they still had ice under this floor either; but they do. Granted, it kind of looks like the bottom of the freezer underneath the freezer-burnt bag of green beans that you bought on clearance during the Clinton administration; but ice is ice …... Right?? And with me in the booth today, freshly teleported here from who knows where is broadcast legend Al Michaels. How we doing Al??

“Great to be here with you House, not sure how I got here, or what I'm supposed to do; but I'll wing it like I know what the Hell is going on. It's like my daughter's wedding all over again”.

“Well, whatever that means Al. Now, if it is okay with you, maybe we could pay attention to this hockey game”.

“Looks like we have a stoppage of play already in this one Al, and the clock only reads 19.59 in the first period”.

“That's right House, it appears Black Flash flew in right off the face off and put one in. I'll tell you what, all these super-powered folks are going to make it impossible for The Moist Mafia to win this one. We might as well stick a fork in em now and head to the bar”.

“Well, it's early yet Al”.

“Not early enough, for The Moist Mafia to gain super powers and put up a fight against The Highness. I've just took a dump back stage that would put up a better fight against them”.

“We both know that isn't true Al, since you just teleported here a few minutes ago”.

“Shut your pie-hole House. If I wanted to know what is true from you, I'd pull my schlong out of your mouth. But in the action on the ice it looks like Reverse Flash just threw down another goal after they spent most of the first period toying with the Moist Mafia like the worthless bunch of talentless hacks they are. They have zero chance of winning this game. There is more perk in my wife's bra than there is in the Moist Mafia defense. Now let's get into the second period”.

“Looks like The Highness is still playing their fast-paced version of the Left Wing Lock to keep the heads of The Moist Mafia spinning, Al; but it is getting a little chippy. A fight in this match could be a real barn burner”.

“That's right for once House. These super-powered beings are going to really give it to these American college kids. What is the average age of The Moist Mafia anyway, about seven?? They don't have a Popsicle chance in Hell. Not a midgets chance in heaven either. You know how evil the little folks are don't ya House”??

“Al, what the Hell, are you”....

“OHHHHH!!!! And here's that fight you were looking for House!! It looks like some of those cats on the Highness that The Commish didn't have time to look up during the first messy week of setup have cleared the bench and are really going nuts”.

“This is really getting out of hand Al. They're going to have to stop this game and do something about this”.

“Stop being such a candy-a** Nancy-boy House. Everybody knows that killing is part of hockey”.

“No it isn't Al. Fighting is part of NHL Hockey; but this is the Olympics”.

“Yeah, like I said you sissy. Fighting is part of hockey”.

“No, Al; you said killing was part of hockey”.

“Well yes House, sometimes when people fight they die. Now go grow a pair. Wow, that fight between Doomed and Brolly is really shaping up to be one for the record books, and is that the dead bodies of Steve Janaszak, Bill Baker, and Coach Johns down there?? They aren't even paying attention to Mike Eruzine sneaking in a quick goal in the middle of this mess. Not that it matters though. I've met aborted babies that have a better chance of winning this game than The Moist Mafia”.

“Al, have you been smoking crack”??

“Just the crack hanging off your old lady, House. Been smokin the crap out of that one”. Strangely enough, looks like as we start the third period here Doomed and Brolly just broke into Round two of their fight; but this time the teenage angsty-emo version of Doomsday got a little carried away and ripped Brolly in half. Doomed has been ejected for his kill; but the refs didn't seem to notice Agent Smith hopping over the bench just to send Neal Broten and Jack O' Callahan to The Graveyard”.

“I told you this one was going to get ugly Al”.

“You didn't say s*(&t, House. Other than blah blah blah, I'm a girlie-gay-wad. OHH, and whatta ya know. It looks like with less than two minutes left Bob Suter is going to be given a penalty shot after nearly having his head taken off by Monster Girl. He deeks once, deeks twice, deeks again... HAHAHA!! Just like the friggin Mighty Ducks huh House?? And........ GOAL. Wow, they actually tied it up. Not that it matters, This Moist Mafia team may have gotten lucky; but there is still two minutes left for The Highness to put a hurting on em. In fact, look at the time House. I'm going to need to teleport on outta here. I've got no desire to see The Moist Mafia lose this one in overtime. Smell ya later House, I've got a date with a bottle of Gilby's Gin and the latest copy of Hustler”.

“Okay, well it looks like Al is gone; so we'll go back to the ice where Reverse Flash, Black Flash, and Agent Smith seem to be doing a sped up version of the flying V, simply because I find it wholly inappropriate to not have a second Mighty Ducks reference in this masterfully written story. Black Flash does a double reverse pass, back to Justice for the one-timer; but it is saved by Zatanna. Zatanna sees the clock running down and tries to pass to Madame Xanadu; but it flies off the stick of Black Orchid, off the helmet of Immortal, off the crotch of Omni-Man, off the back of Robot and onto the stick of Mike Ramsay who takes a slapshot from the blue line and GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Moist Mafia takes the lead 3 to 2. Ramsay, then takes the face off with 10 seconds..... Dave Christian has the puck with 8, 7, 6....... pass to Ken Morrow with 4, 3 to Jim Craig...... DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!!!!

I can't believe I just said that...........