Darkseid’s Horsemen of Apokolips are: Ganondorf w/ The Infinity Gauntlet (Power and Time Stones), Jedi Master Obi Wan Kenobi, He-Man and Battlecat, Black Lantern Apocalypse, Lucas w/ the Awesome gear, Zombie Earthbender, Kamek in a Chinese spy balloon, and Tasslehoff Burrfoot.
1992 Space Movie is (NOT racist): Thundarr the Barbarian, Princess Ariel, Ookla the Mok, Krypto, Sodom Yat, Dex-Tar, Pythona, Nemesis Enforcer, She-Ra w/ Swiftwind, OA Guardians #2A and #3A, Vampire OA Guardian, Rowdy Roddy Piper w/ baseball bat, Wicket W. Warrick in a Goomba Sock, Devilbat, and Alec: The Cutest Retard in the Whole World w/an Addorrrable Blanket.
You ever type out a couple of squads in the header and realize, “oh yeah, one of these dudes must have known they weren’t winning this week”? It’s gonna be one of those. But that’s fine, because you know what, you get some good opportunities to write like a dipshit when it happens. I mean, Superman vs. Emperor Joker is cool shit but there’s only so many times you can say “this one was real tough to call guys” without sounding like you suffer from analysis paralysis. Sometimes you just wanna see some big swingin’ dicklords demolish some CHUDs, maybe throw in a couple comedic kills from the underdogs. Remember Dora? Maybe not, half the people who were here for that have left or been stricken from the records. Come to think of it, I don’t even think I was here for it, but the old lore runs deep.
The Lothlorien Forest, too, is deep. Probably, idk, I’m guessing Tolkien had a few dozen pages describing it but I keep falling asleep when I see the page title on the wiki. Maybe it’s like, a small apple orchard, who can say? Let’s assume there are somewhere between 67 and 69,420 trees. It’s fair, it’s the most fairest of the elflands, I know I read that somewhere. Picture it with your mind’s eye, don’t be afraid to use your imagination. Now stop with the creative thinking, because I’m gonna tell you in no uncertain terms, Ganondorf is hovering ominously as fuck above the canopy next to Kamek the Commie in his Chinese spy balloon. Kamek says something turtle-y at Ganondorf but I don’t speak Turtle Wizard. Ganondorf chuckles and replies, but again, I don’t speak fictitious semitic wizard languages. Left my Watcher Ears at home today. They’re both wizards so they can understand each other at least. You know, my wife (have I mentioned I have a wife?) just saw this and called me Jason Pargin (formerly known as David Wong) and I’m realizing I learned everything I know about humor writing from the golden era of Cracked.com. I thought about deleting this whole thing after that, but that would mean putting in effort AND validating a woman’s opinion. So instead, Ganondorf scans the trees for movement, seeing scattered glints of metal, hearing twigs snapping underfoot. The Space Movie team is dispersed, and a regal MF like Ganondorf isn’t going to go chasing after beings he deems insignificant. Instead, he channels the energy of the Power Stone to buff the Time Stone, and waves his hand in a “wax-off” motion above the forest. The wind blowing through the leaves slows to a halt before reversing direction. The sound of twigs un-snapping can be heard. Soon, the enemy squad is seen running backwards out of the edge of the forest. With this great strain and only two of the… however many stones there are, the Infinity Gauntlet fizzles out and the gems go dim. There’s only so much world-breaking you can put in a match and still have a story to write (looking at you again, Emperor Joker). Kamek begins to chant and wave his arms in the air, with geometric shapes flying out of his wand. As they hit the ground behind the enemy lines, the Horsemen materialize out of thin air. The fight begins!
He-Man charges ahead of the pack on Battlecat, making a beeline for Thundarr the Impostor. Sadly, Thundarr actually came first by three years, making He-Man a He-FRAUD. He-DEAD. That doesn’t stop Battlecat from grabbing Thundarr’s leg and swinging him like a flail made of Andy Dick tied to RuPaul Charles, the weapon I’ve always sworn I would use if I needed to kill a celebrity (and, consequently, two other insufferable celebrities.) Battlecat manages to bash Thundarr into Ookla the Mok and until they are both pulp, before Ariel the Unmermaidly fries him with some magic finger beams or whatever. Two for two, you’d almost think this thing could go either way if you didn’t read the first two sentences of the match. Ganondorf’s rewind continues to prove advantageous (see? I’m not wasting the Infinity stuff!) as Jedi Master Obi-Wan weaves like a dancer through the crowd, quickly thinning out all the midget-themed characters - the blue ones, and the retarded one with the blanket. Like how he killed those younglings in the movie. That was Obi Wan right? Yeah, Obi Wan killed the kids. Also Pythona, because a chick shouldn’t look that much like Prince Zuko. That’s some 80’s lesbian aesthetic.
Speaking of He-Men, She-Ra and Rowdy Roddy Piper are holding their own against Lucas. Somebody, I wanna say the guy who doesn’t have Lucas on his team, approved of him getting his top-tier gear so he’s putting up a real fight in the 1v2. Roddy the Rowdy swings a mean overhead strike down on Lucas, who blocks it with the Real Bat. I’m assuming since he has all his other end-game gear, he’s gonna have the Real Bat, right? Anyway both the bats explode from the sheer badassness of baseball (remember week 1?) and they’re both dead now. Meanwhile, Ganondorf is throwing down lightning balls like crazy, because as far as I’m concerned the Ocarina of Time version is the one true canonical representation. She-Ra, now free to fly up and do something about it, is immediately cast to the ground because come on Ganondorf is NOT getting stopped by a girl on a horse. She’s not the only flyer on the team though, as Krypto and Sod- SODOM YAT?
OH SHIT!
This match just got REAL, why didn’t anyone tell me there’s a FAKE KRYPTONIAN GREEN LANTERN on the “G.N. from O.S.” squad? Josh, come on, you know I can’t be expected to notice these sleeper savages before I start writing! Research?? NERD SHIT! Okay maybe this is gonna be closer than I thought! Sodom Yat gets up there and straight up Sodom-izes Ganondorf. He’s batting the big olive-skinned dork back and forth with the dog, they’re playing fetch with him. Oh man he didn’t stand a chance, I really thought he was about to do something cool this match! It’s just too bad I don’t respect Daxomites more, because Sodom gets merked by a 1-point Zombie Earthbender lobbing a chunk of lead out of the dirt. That's right, this earthbender is capable of metalbending. And anyway, why in the hell would anybody ask “what if Kryptonians, except you can just cap them with a 9mm?” That doesn’t stop Krypto, though, because Krypto is objectively more powerful than a sapient powerhouse that has hosted Ion. Krypto swoops down and tears off every limb the Earthbender owns. Black Lantern Apocalypse sees the fate that befell Ganondorf and sets his sights on Krypto. That should keep them both busy for a minute while I start a new paragraph.
D&David Tasslehoff has managed to stay alive by riding Obi Wan’s ass as they navigate the battlefield. This tracks, logically, because Obi Wan is wearing a wizard robe. Ariel tries her force lightning trick on the Jedi, but it fails because Obi Wan isn’t a little bitch, Obi Wan is iconic. He takes off her head and swings around in one fluid motion to vertically bisect the raging red cat flying at him. You think I like killing off Dex-Starr unceremoniously? I choked up like a little fuckin’ baby over his comic backstory, he looked like a cat I had and I’m not afraid to have FEELINGS you savages. Anyway, Obi Wan killed the cat unceremoniously. If it makes anyone feel better, his boiling blood splatters on Tenderfoot Midgetguy and melts his skull.
Down to the few, both teams rush to the real fight going down with the flying dog and the shapeshifting cosmic zombie. Kamek, having been well disguised as a “weather balloon” despite it having a giant red commie flag painted on, begins his aerial assault anew. He’s throwing all kinds of colorful shapes, you know, real powerful stuff. One hits Devilbat, who couldn’t sense it coming because colorful shapes do not give off vibrations when traveling through the air. You can Google down on that, it’s true shit. Upon impact, he is transformed into a baseball bat with a cartoon devil on it. If Roddy Piper was still alive, this powerful artifact would have been able to stop Apocalypse, but Roddy Piper is not alive. If Roddy Piper was, say, Mick “Cactus ‘Mankind’ Jack” Foley, he would have likely survived much like he did in nineteen ninety eight, when Undertaker threw Mankind off Hell in a Cell, plummeting sixteen feet through an announcer’s table. You can’t stop Mick Foley. Roddy Piper, though, fully destructible and no longer able to wield The Devil Bat. Nemesis Enforcer flies up to face Kamek, but Kamek turns him to stone and sends him crashing to the battlefield. For a hot minute, it seems the Koopa mage’s reign of terror will be unstoppable, but - what’s this? - IT’S WICKET W. WARRICK IN A GOOMBA SOCK! The Ewok hops on the weather balloon with an incredible vertical leap, and Kamek lands with a splat on Apocalypse’s head. With Turtle bits in the Omega-Mutant’s eyes, Krypto finds openings and begins to yank chunks out of his foe. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan catches the Ewok-Sock on his lightsaber like some kind of fruit ninja. The Superdog gnaws and shreds Apocalypse so fast that even the combination of super-undeath and healing factor can’t save him, but Obi Wan sneaks up behind and adds him to the fur-kabob before uttering his iconic catchphrase: “I love murdering children and animals!”
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