Two Hungry Dino-Mite Assassins with Acrobatics Down Tight Vs. The Gentle Striders of First Rohan
Two Hungry Dino-Mites with Bubble Fightin Fun Down Tight are Ranx: The Sentient City, Black Racer, Voldemort (w/ a yellow lantern ring), Cal Kestis, BD-1, Cere, & Greeze in The Mantis, Axe Cop w/ Wexler, Black Lantern Flash, Zam Wessell in an X-Wing, Jay Garrick (w/ a green lantern ring), Star Sapphire Wonder Woman, Earth 3 Injustice League: Ultraman, Supermwoman, Owlman w/ Talon in a 1980 Mustang, Johnny Quick, & Power Ring, Aquaman, Kit Fisto, Nadar Vebb, Big Barda, Booster Gold, Kid Flash, Mas y Menos, Nightwing on his Motorcycle, Wedge Antilles in an X-Wing, Biggs Darklighter in an X-Wing, Cassian Andor and K-2S0 in their U-Wing, Bossk in Hound's Tooth, Sand Trooper #1-9 on Dewback #1-9, Giant Hammer Bros. #1-2, Boomerang Bros. #1-5, Rebel Soldier #6 on a 4-Wheeler, & some broccoli.
Be Gentle It's My First Time is Doomsday, Black Goku, The Sinister 6: Green Goblin, Sandman, Dr. Octopus, Electro, Mysterio, & Vulture, Black Atom, Dr. Fate, Granny Goodness w/ The Female Furies, Superboy, Zombie Superman, Zombie Superboy, Black Lantern Superboy, Guild Ship w/ Guild Navigator & Capt. Kahn, Guild Ship w/ Guild Navigator & Capt. Janeway, Poe Dameron & BB-8 in a Stealth X-Wing, Darth Malak, Plo Koon in an A-Wing, 3 Jedi Knights in 3 A-Wings, 4 Jedi Knights in 4 B-Wings, Goku (w/ a green lantern ring), Gohan, 1 Transformer, Alex Vento, & Chuck Norris in a Penguin Suit.
The Striders of Rohan are HYDRA Soldiers #1-10 in 5 AT-ST, Admiral William Kelley in an X-Wing, IG Bounty Hunter in an X-Wing, Kylo Ren (w/ Red lantern ring) in TIE Silencer, Yondu in a Y-Wing, Kraglin in a Y-Wing, E2 Batman in the O.G. Batmobile, E2 Catwoman, Batman (Dick Grayson) w/ Robin (Damien Wayne), Odin (w/ The White Lantern Ring), Apocalypse, White Lantern Hal Jordan, Ghost Rider, Scorpion, Circuit Breaker, Magneto, Ragnarok, Vampire Neo, The Incredibles: Mr. Incredible, Elasti-Girl, Violet, Dash, & Jack-Jack w/ Fro-Zone, Supreme Leader Snoke, Baron Mordo, Brother Blood, Black Flash, King Kong, Samwise Gamgee (w/ blue lantern ring), Gondor Soldier #1 (Doriath the Brave), & Gondor Soldier #2.
Ahsoka's Acrobatic Assassins are Sarumon, The Father, Son, & Daughter (in a penguin suit), of Mortis, Martian Manhunter w/ Miss Martian, Brainiac in The Skull Ship, Poseidon, Grand Master Luke Skywalker, Reverse Flash, Franklin Richards, Jason Bourne (w/ an indigo lantern ring), Black Lantern Omega Supreme, Black Lantern Neo, (Legends) Leia Organa-Solo, C-3PO, Vampire Capt. Marvel, Vampire Superman, & Zombie #12.
These four massive teams combined into two great alliances prepare to embark on what could be the greatest battle ever watched and put forth in words by the Great and Powerful Lord of the Watchers himself: Joshatu The Magnificent. But instead, Joshatu has done come down with a wicked blast of The Rona and is going to let The Neon Master Pogo in all of his glory make what should be an incredible match-up a five page long fart joke instead (figure the world could use a good laugh right about now).
Hold up: This is Joshatu, let me at least set the stage (coff, coff)....
The Dino-Mites and Assassins at first thought that they were supposed to be fighting each other as they were the only two teams initially transported to The Playoff Planet. It was extremely confusing because every member of both teams were all put in randomly at least six feet away from each other in order to follow the draconian rules put in place by Governor Morris of the Playoff Planet (see past matches for reference to Governor Morris and his past ideological struggles). It took the two teams three weeks to find each other and realize that they were all on the same side before it was announced that there would be another three weeks of social distancing, it wasn't until that point that some of the truly woke members of the now combined team realized that they should perhaps question said authority. This also gave them time to set up shop in the appropriate areas, but also gave way to the question of where their opponents actually are. Ranx: The Sentient City sat stalwart outside the Playoff Planet while the rest of the squad(s) got in position and awaited his orders.
Another three weeks passed when all of the sudden the event that had been predicted finally began. Two enormous ships appeared instantly, seemingly from nowhere in such a manner that even Ranx flinched. The two Guild Ships had folded space from a far away destination revealing the great alliance of The Gentle Striders of First Rohan. Their entire two squads had plenty of room in the two enormous shuttles controlled by Holtzman Foldspace Engines and the inhabitants of the two ships had plenty of time to formulate their plan. The prescient visions of the Guild Navigators inside their spice tanks aboard the Guild Ships had made it very clear where the Dino-Mite Assassins were hiding; so they knew exactly where to strike. First out of the enormous port of the Guild Ships came Admiral William Kelley leading an elite force of pilots. Eight Jedi including General Plo Koon, Poe in a Stealth X-Wing was flanked by another X-Wing and a couple Y-Wings, and Kylo in his TIE Silencer broke off on his own. The Dino-Mite Assassins rallied their air forces, but did not have the continuity of attack that the Gentle Striders possessed. The Batmobile and a broken down, but experienced Transformer named Mazdabot led a quintet of AT-ST into the city to overrun the Playoff Planet Capitol.
The fight is about to begin when (coff, (even drier) coff). Okay fine, I can't do this. Go ahead Pogo....
Alright dorks, it's YOUR BOY: Pogo: Now that Joshatu bored you with the details: let's really watch this turd. I missed the first part of the match because I was busy staying safe to save lives. I was putting my mask and gloves on whilst taking a bath in hand sanitizer and washing my hands fOr aT lEaSt 2o sEcOnDs. In this time a bunch of people died right off rip. I can only assume it is because as the battle began everyone stopped social distancing so they must have all got the Rona. AT least that is what the hospitals reported their deaths as (who knows how it actually happened). Alls I know is that once I figured out how to get the mask off my eyes I realized that: BD-1, Greeze, Johnny Quick, Nadar Vebb, some Sand Troopers, some Dewbacks, a Giant Hammer Bros., a couple Boomerang Bros, Green Goblin, Mysterio, Dr. Fate, Gohan, Alex Vento, Catwoman, Ghost Rider, Elasti-Girl, Jack-Jack, Baron Mordo, Gondor Soldier #2, C-3P0, Vampire Captain Marvel, & Vampire Superman (that last one might have died because he gets his power from the sun and the sun is what kills him (Not really sure, cuz I'm keepin it real).
Granny Goodness and The Female Furies tried to mess with Big Barda who was all like: YO WHASSUP I'M A SUPER STRONG CHICK AND I TRAINED Y'ALL SO I KNOW DA TRICKS. She whooped up on the female furies and got em dead quick and just watched Granny Goodness die of old age. Then Barda went back to earth so she could retire but she watched CNN and saw a video of Joe Biden sniffing people, got triggered, and had a brain aneurysm and died.
White Lantern Hal Jordan and White Lantern Odin enslave and steal the power of their earth 3 enemy and combine with Power Ring to form one of the most powerful characters in FFL History named White Power Ring. White Power Ring easily subdues the combined forces of The Black Racer, Black Goku, Black Lantern Superboy, Black Flash, Black Atom, Black Lantern Omega Supreme, & Black Lantern Neo. They begin to enslave them to steal their....... Wait a second... Is this all of the sudden starting to sound really racist to you guys too?? Alright, I'll tell you what, I don't need no internet shadow ban here; so let's just cut it all out now, issue a blanket apology and say that every character I just mentioned is dead before this gets any worse. Oh, and Brother Blood, Electro, and Fro-Zone died somehow too.
Doomsday leaps down out of the Guild Ship into a sunny beach area of the Playoff Planet and starts to go all four death, cray-cray in The Bay. He starts punching Boomerang Bros, SandTrooper and Dewback heads off, and mows through the Injustice League even easier than he went through the real Justice League in his first appearance. Ultraman, Superwoman, Owlman, Talon, and their cool vintage Mustang got straight up wrecked (you already know Alex). Blue Lantern Silver Age Flash and Green Lantern Golden Age Flash are a wicked combination but despite having 200% power, Doomsday lights up both the speedsters with a Buffalo-sized diarrhea dump in their ears. He then takes full advantage of the toilet paper shortage and uses Star Sapphire Wonder Woman to wipe; which leaves him smelling amazon-fresh. Poseidon, Kit Fisto, and Aquaman come rushing onto the beach to take out Doomsday; but the after shocks are felt from his diarrhea explosion as he blasts out all of the plastic straws, forks, and spoons that he ate along with his enormous carryout meal, killing not only them but the whole ocean, straight-up China and India style. Doomsday is still hungry for more destruction as Axe Cop comes flying in on top of his dinosaur steed Wexler. Doomsday kicks the T-Rex in the stomach and then punches his head clean off which sends Axe Cop into a rage that even the 4 death Superman killah can't handle. Axe Cop grabs a hold of his perfect axe and cuts the head off of the baddest bad guy around sending ol' Doomsday to the graveyard.
Grand Master Luke teams up with Martian Manhunter, Miss Martian, and Franklin Richards and they just stand in a circle meditating while big stuff around them starts flying around and they just start killin folk with their minds. They manage to lift up the 5 AT-STs and just drop them in the plastic polluted ocean. Supreme Leader Snoke tries to get wily and use his force powers; but the foursome just look at him like “Nah gay”. He dies in a Force Whirlwind that sucks up Violet as well before they direct it towards Ragnarok who is finally able to dispel the telekinetic connection, even though he dies in the process. Batman (DG) & Robin (DW) show up and lucky for them know all of the tricks of killing Martians from their days with Batman. Dick Grayson holds a lighter up to the butt of Batman's son whilst Damien lets out a hellacious butt-smacker. It sprays toxic fire onto Martian Manhunter and his sidekick causing them to die of scurred-disease. And then Luke Skywalker kills the sort of dynamic duo with his laser sword.
Up in space, The Gentle Striders have diverted all of their attention to the Sentient City known as Ranx. All of their space-worthy vehicles are upon the small yellow lantern planet, which has brought all of the space vehicles of The Dino-Mite Assassins there as well to defend him. The Dino-Mite Assassins cannot quite figure out why they want the fight to take place so close to their massive planet-city friend; but it eventually becomes apparent that they have a plan. Wedge has single-handedly taken out 3 B-Wings, an X-Wing, and 2 A-Wings when he notices Yondu and Kraglin strafe in to the center of Ranx and drop off both Magneto and Circuit Breaker. The two masters of magnetism form a bond that begins sucking all ships and debris into the center of Ranx. Circuit Breaker sucks herself deep into the the core of the yellow city, while The captains of the Gentle Striders Guild Ships trigger the secret atomic weapons of the Royal Families that they hide aboard their ships. This sacrifice play kills many of their own fighters; but also destroys the most powerful character in the battle: Ranx. Even the brilliant Brainiac is caught off guard by this master plan. He knows that he cannot escape, even in his Skull Ship; but he activates counter-measures that make sure no member of the Gentle Striders can escape their own plan either.
Okay. As I watch Chuck Norris break out of his Penguin Suit and destroy it for good (no Conner, you don't get it back); I realize that we need to have a serious conversation about Conner, Kyle, and Zack's ability to assign weapons and items to their own characters. Chuck Norris is a man who deserves respect. Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrised, when Superman goes to bed he wears Chuck Norris pajamas, Bush and Cheney couldn't find weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq because Chuck Norris had just left, Chuck Norris counted to infinity for God's sake: TWICE. He doesn't need a G-D PENGUIN SUIT. When you wreck Chuck Norris, you wreck yourself. And quit laughing Kyle. The man who put Hancock in a Frog Suit may not laugh at anyone's item assignments. EVER. Oh, wait. I'm sorry Zack, did you think you were getting off the hook here?? Let's scroll back up to the top of the screen and take a look at the most powerful known Light Side Force User in Original Star Wars Canon..... Yeah. That's right. This kid put the Daughter of Mortis in an Effin Penguin Suit. From this point forward the three of you are on Double-Secret-Assignment-Probation. It's for your own good. With that being said: Chuck Norris broke free of his Penguin Suit and Roundhouse Kicked the Penguin Head and the regular head off of the Daughter of Mortis. He then slurped up the leftover water from the destroyed penguin suits and took an acid wiz on the Father and Son of Mortis, killing them as well.
Speaking of bad general managing: Kyle's wicked assignment of Samwise getting the Blue Lantern Ring is deserving of some serious props; but unfortunately a blue lantern ring is about as useless as a dead dog without a green lantern ring present to charge up; so Sauron just clobbers the Hell out of Sam with his massive mace thingie right after he takes out King Kong with it Harambe style. Lucky for the Hobbit Ring Bearer, the over abundance of Hope that was released with the destruction of the blue lantern ring is enough to dissipate the existence of Sauron the Deceiver from this plain of existence.
Rebel Soldier #6 in a daring but suicidal move drives through the core of Mazdabot with his 4-Wheeler.
Superboy, Zombie Superboy, and Zombie Superman start heat visioning, ice breathing, and brain-eating the crap out of Kid Flash, Mas, Menos, Giant Hammer Bros. #1, Zombie #12, Reverse Flash, Zombie #12, and even Franklin Richards, before Voldemort combines his Yellow lantern power with that of his own intense wizardry on the magic-sensitive Kryptonians destroying all three of them with a single death spell.
Nightwing and Jason Bourne team up and use some serious fighting moves to take out Darth Malak, while Luke and Leia combine to take out E2 Batman's cool looking old fashioned car and then finish him off as well. They do the same to Dash, but their angered father kicks GM Luke in the groin and then breaks his neck. Leia then finishes off Mr. Incredible with a swift lightsaber thrust to the chest.
Doriath, the prized son of Gondor and hero who killed Thanos himself stands against Jason Bourne. Doriath evades a punch from Bourne and then stands tall through two more received. Doriath manages to run Jason through with his sword; but Bourne gets his gun off as well and they join each other in death.
Voldemort may have very high hopes in his ability to kill the chosen one Harry Potter, but he is just happy to join Chuck Norris in death as they touch each other and ignite the power of a nuclear bomb.
I still “forgot” to look up what Goku could do; so I'll just say he died of a broken heart after Nightwing stole his girlfriend after talking to her for 90 seconds; but no worries because Nightwing then got aids from her and died.
The Gentle Striders form up as only Doc Ock, Vulture, Sandman, Scorpion, and their leader Vampire Neo stand against the last two surviving members of The Dino-Mite Assassins: Leia Organa-Solo & Axe Cop. Vampire Neo and his crew begin to move towards the duo; but Leia simply looks to her partner and says: “Now it's time to make our master plan from the quarantine work”....
Leia throws Axe Cop the piece of broccoli that they had been saving, that he eats in one quick swallow (no chewing). He then turns his body around and throws down a pungent-Covid-19-butt-blaster and farts his team to victory to end this match on exactly what it was always intended to be. The. Worst. Fart. Ever.
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