Monday, June 30, 2014

Consolation: Round 3: Grindhouse vs. Commandos

Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse features: Wizard Nick Houslander w/flesh rotting gun and Golem gun, and Geoff Johns w/healing gun.

The Spirit of Barack Obama and Miley "Twerking it for America" Touring Commandos are: Foolkiller.

This match is unwatchable, as Foolkiller has exterminated NuFaGtu.

Cleaning House....

The entire coaching staff for the Horsemen of Apokolips have been relinquished of their duties and have also been each executed. Every single member of the roster have been put on noticed that NO ONE is safe from being traded after quite possibly the most abysmal performance seen in a Conference Championship.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

George Lucas Conference Final: Champion Crowned

TRAVELING SISTERHOOD OF EVIL MIDGETS IS VICTORIOUS AND IS CROWNED THE GEORGE LUCAS CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS!!!

George Lucas Conference Final: Epilogue II

The smile fades from Superman’s face as his eyes roll to the back of his head and he crumples to the ground.  The bears notice that the Last Son of Krypton is motionless.  He is lifeless.   Wish Bear and Friend Bear look to their dead comrade.

Friend Bear:  He’s dead.  Superman.  Is.  Dead.

Wish Bear: I can’t believe it.  We are the sole survivors.

As if on cue, the sparks hovering around the area begin to coalesce into the form of a fiery bird.  The Phoenix Force congeals and is resurrected.  It bursts into the sky above the dead body of Superman and soars straight at the skyscraper housing the Care Bears.

Wish Bear tightly grips Friend Bear’s paw.

Wish Bear:  We fought a valiant fight.

Friend Bear:  If only it were enough.

The Phoenix Force rips through the skyscraper, instantly disintegrating the Care Bears.  The entity shrieks as it soars to victory.

George Lucas Conference Final: Epilogue



Wish Bear and Friend Bear stare at the crater from their windowless floor of the skyscraper.  No activity is seen in the area except for the cinders smoldering and the faint sparks floating lifelessly in the air.  

Wish Bear: Holy f@#k! 

Friend Bear:  Look!!!  There!!!

A lone figure wades from the ash.  The “S” emblem appears to shine like a diamond through the darkness about.  Superman slowly trudges from the crater.  A smile comes to his face and he waves to the bears.

Wish Bear:  He’s alive!!!  We’re alive!!!

Friend Bear:  We’re the last.  We’re the last!!!

Wish Bear and Friend Bear embrace and kiss.  The female bears look at each other longingly and shrug.

Wish Bear:  What’s a victory kiss amongst friends?

Friend Bear: That’s what I always say.  I mean, I am Friend Bear after all.

Friend Bear and Wish Bear look at each other once again and turn back to the sight of Superman standing.  They hold their hands together in victory.

 

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXXVI

. . . as the dust settles.

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXXV


. . . and becomes almost deafening. . .

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXXIV


. . . and continues. . .

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXXIII

The silence remains. . .

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXXII

Superman soars toward the Phoenix Force.  The Kryptonian uses the barrage of his Kryptonian powers to create a flux within the Phoenix Force.  Freezing breath, heat vision and the sheer brute strength of Superman pummels the cosmic entity.  In response, the Phoenix Force blasts Superman in an attempt to manipulate Superman’s life force.  Superman screams as his body is ripped from within.

Although pushed to his limits, Superman still manages to struggle against the Phoenix Force to an awe inspiring standstill.   The superior entities careen across the city, laying complete decimation within their wake.  

Superman’s clothes are in tatters and his body is evidencing actual wounds caused by the Phoenix Force.  At the same time, the Phoenix Force’s essence ebbs and wanes as Superman has actually created a weakening schism within the cosmic power.

The back-and-forth battle lasts for close to an hour.  The concrete of the streets is ripped apart.  The windows of buildings shattered.  The concrete of structures shattered.  The devastation is unlike anything seen on the Playoff Planet since last year’s Universe Bowl. 

Screams are heard, being emitted from both the essence of the Phoenix Force and mouth of Superman.  Superman decides that he only has one chance to survive as he steers the Phoenix Force into the earth below.  A godlike explosion occurs as a gargantuan crater is created by the two crashing into the ground.

Smoke and dust is emitted from the hole.  Silence engulfs the entire area.  

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXXI

Friend Bear and Wish Bear take the lead.  The two stroll up to Emperor Joker. 

Emperor Joker:  What the hell do we have here?  Hey little guys, what do you think you’re here for?  No children’s birthday party today, chaps. 

Wish Bear: Hey, f#$k you clown!

Friend Bear:  Yeah, why don’t you suck on my flowered taint!

Emperor Joker is shocked at the abrasiveness of the pair.

Emperor Joker:  You’re colored f@#king bears!  How serious do I have to take you?  You’re f@#king colored stuffed animals!

Emperor Joker begins to swish his hands and the bears are sucked up in a vortex that shoots them across the sky and through the windows of a nearby skyscraper.

Emperor Joker: F@#king bears.  Now where are you Superman?

Superman: Directly behind you Joker. 

The plan worked perfectly as the bears distracted Emperor Joker enough so that the psychopath failed to recognize Superman flying behind him.  Before Emperor Joker can open his mouth to dispel an obnoxious quip, Superman drives his hand through Emperor Joker’s skull.  Emperor Joker falls to the ground, dead.  Superman then flies toward his teammates and soars above the window to which the bears stand.

Superman:  Nicely done, Friend and Wish.

Friend Bear: Our pleasure, Soops!

Wish Bear:  Now get it done, Superman!

Superman flies toward the Phoenix Force. . .  and destiny.

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXX

A battered Superman lands in front of Emperor Joker; the Phoenix Force hovering over its teammate.

A gaping Friend Bear looks toward Wish Bear as they peek out of a car window which they snuck into.

Friend Bear:  This sh%t just got real.

Wish Bear:  We have to help him!

Friend Bear and Wish Bear jump out of the car and saunter toward Superman.  Friend Bear stands to his right while Wish Bear stands to his left.  Superman looks down at his allies.

Superman:  We face the odds, my friends.

Wish Bear:  You’re Superman for f@#k’s sake.  You’re.  F@#kin’.  Superman.

Superman smiles and stands ready for battle.  Both Friend Bear and Wish Bear follow suit.

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXIX

Emperor Joker: I have no limitations like Mxyztplk when it comes to you Superman.  I’m my own man!

Emperor Joker uses his Mxyztplk powers to crumble buildings on top of both Darkseid and Superman.  The Horsemen duo manages to repeatedly free themselves of the rubble with their powers though. 

Superman races to the Joker at nearly the speed of light.  Emperor Joker notices Superman attempting this feat and waves his hand.  While Superman believes himself flying at one speed, Superman actually only flies at one mile per hour due to Emperor Joker’s abilities.  The Joker cackles as a large mallet appears in his hand.  He tees up Superman and smashes him across the face, sending him careening through several buildings. 

Meanwhile, Darkseid is in a pitched battle with Eradicator.  The two strike one another continuously, drawing wounds upon their enemy with each blow.  The two grip each other in a bear hug, trying to gain the upper hand over their foe. 

Darkseid:  I will win this fight Eradicator.  I have foreseen it in Palantir.

Eradicator:  Not if I have anything to say about it, Darkseid.

Darkseid smiles and fires the full force of his Omega Beams from his eyes, focused specifically on disintegrating Eradicator.  Eradicator screams as the beam rips through his face.  Eradicator’s head explodes. 

Darkseid turns to see Emperor Joker standing next to him. 

Emperor Joker:  Did your rock tell you this one, ugly?

Emperor Joker snaps his fingers and Darkseid’s Omega Beams are unleashed from his eyes.  They rays begin to creep toward himself.  Darkseid is unable to control them due to the reality Joker has spun.

Emperor Joker:  You know what they say Stoneface. . .  Suicide is painless.

Darkseid bellows as his rays rip across his own body.  Darkseid is killed by his own hands. 

Emperor Joker looks to the sky and sees the Phoenix Force hovering above him.

Emperor Joker:  And now for our next chapter boys and girls: “Crushing the Kryptonian.”  Heeheeheeheeheehee.

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXVIII


Superman catches hold of Eradicator’s foot in midair and spins him around in order to send a crushing blow to Eradicator’s sternum.  Eradicator tumbles through several building and finally rights himself. 

Knowing that the pair is evenly matched, Eradicator uses his enhanced powers not inherent with Superman, in an attempt to control the Kryptonian.  Superman stops midair.  Eradicator’s influence over Superman begins to hold.  As Eradicator flies toward him though, Superman’s mind wades through the mist and corrects itself.   Eradicator believes Superman is under his control and wrongfully so as Kal-El strikes Eradicator, sending the pseudo Kryptonian to the ground, causing an immense hole in the street below.  As Eradicator rises, he is met by both Superman and Darkseid.  Superman and Darkseid enter into an immeasurable battle with Eradicator.  Before the Horsemen are able to destroy Eradicator the entire city shimmers.  The three combatants look around in a daze as reality is warped into a dreamlike state.

Emperor Joker:  This is going to be fun, boys. . .

George Lucas Conference Final: Chapter XXVII

Two exhausted bears stumble upon the final battle. 

Wish Bear:  I thought we were supposed to end up in the city like all the others for the final hurrah.

Friend Bear:  F@#ker makes us walk from the Arctic Region. . . G-dd%&n Bryatu. . .

Wish Bear:  We’re here now though.  Just how it was meant to be - us in the end. 

Friend Bear:  As always. . .