UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER VI: BEDLAM OF THE BEARS

 

            A 1989 Chevy Cavalier zooms down the asphalt drive of a long highway through the mountainous region of the Playoff Planet.  The Pimpmobile’s radio blares a song while the three inhabitants of the vehicle sing in perfect synchronicity with the lyrics.

 

. . . I like that boom boom pow,

Them chickens jackin' my style;

They try copy my swagger,

I'm on that next sh#t now.

I'm so 2008,

You so 2000 and late;

I got that boom, boom, boom,

That future boom, boom, boom;

Let me get it now. . .

            The trio in the car are brightly colored bears, each more raucous than the other.  The light blue, star emblazoned Wish Bear looks up to his two other teammates from where its paws rotate between pressing the gas pedal.

            “I knew we needed to jack this pimp b#%chen rod from those undead Artrip f#$ks. What do black lanterns need with a ride anyway?!?”

            The orange colored, flowery chested Friend Bear, behind the wheel, looks down at Wish Bear, while the blue mooned Bedtime Bear sits next to Friend in heightened silence.

            “Damn straight,” responds Friend, “the only thing those motherf#$kers need is a ring around that finger!  They don’t need no car!”

            Navigational maestro Bedtime Bear smiles and although the radio still echoes the lyrics of “Boom Boom Pow,” Bedtime  begins to mime Beyonce from her famous video about a ring on a finger.

            The motor vehicle races down the slope and Bedtime points to his left as the three then notice a Ferrari 308 burning rubber beside them.  Through the window of the sports car, the bears notice NFG Mike.  The two vehicles keep pace with one another, each jockeying to gain an upper hand in order to use its momentum and, at the right time, thrust the other over the road’s barrier and down the ridge. 

            The overly matched Pimpmobile is struck repeatedly by NFG’s Ferrari in an attempt to rattle the once huggable stuffed toys.  The Pimpmobile strikes the guardrail and sparks fly from the vehicle’s exterior.  Wish Bear, in “Days of Thunder” skill, continually shifts its paws back and forth from the brake to the gas pedal, while Friend Bear steers. 

            Bedtime Bear looks over to NFG Mike, whose window is now open.  The bear smiles as it reaches down beneath the seat.   It scampers over to the window and with crisp precision throws a bottle of liquid over at NFG’s vehicle. 

            Friend Bear shouts, “Great job Bedtime!  Now light that next bottle and crisp that f@$ker!!!  Great idea about a molotov cocktail!!!”

            Bedtime Bear looks over at Friend Bear.

            “That wasn’t alcohol,” whispers Bedtime for the first time in the match.  “That was my piss!”

            Both Friend and Wish look over at Bedtime and laugh.  Meanwhile, NFG Mike gags at the bear’s bodily fluids spewed over the vehicle’s interior and due to the intense smell vomits upon himself.

            NFG wipes the frothy spittle around his mouth and at the top of his lungs, screams to his furry combatants, “You little f@$ks!  I’m going to carve you up like a Thanksgiving turkey!!!”

            With these words, NFG ignites his lightsaber to show that he will make good upon his threat.  Unfortunately for NFG, the stretch of road does not warrant a lit blade and the bears take advantage of NFG’s unsheathed weapon.

            “Now motherf@cker!!!,” screams Friend.  “Hit it Wish!!!”

            In response to Friend Bear’s directions, Wish Bear hits the gas and Friend jerks the wheel, allowing the Pimpmobile to strike the 308 in violent fashion.  The lightsaber, still ignited in NFG’s hand, accidentally pierces the shifter and lops off the steering wheel, barely missing NFG’s wrists.  In response to the damage caused by the blade, the 308 careens out of control and flips over as a piercing shriek is heard from NFG.  The car finally halts against the mountainside, luckily skirting the other side of the road and catapulting over the mountain. 

            The Pimpmobile slowly comes to a stop.  Each of the Care Bears saunters out of the vehicle to the flipped Ferrari’s location.

            “Well.  Well.  Well,” grins Wish Bear.  “What do we have here?”

            A broken NFG Mike crawls from the vehicle, only able to use his muscular arms, with pieces of glass interspersed throughout his skin.  He does not have his lightsaber.  He is unable to use his legs.  Yet, he is still ready to fight these depraved beasts to his dying breath.

            Friend Bear looks in the car and notices NFG’s lightsaber still within.  The bear races around to the other side of the vehicle as NFG Mike is unable to thwart the bear’s attempt in reaching its goal.  Friend pulls the weapon out and ignites the lightsaber.

            “Ooooh. . .  Green,” says Friend Bear to his companions, swishing the blade back and forth.

            NFG Mike lies on the ground, defeated, realizing that he cannot move his legs and due to the pressure on his spinal cord, now his arms.  Nonetheless, he refuses to die in a pathetic manner and looks fiercely insolent. 

            Bedtime Bear speaks, once again, on rare occasion as it looks to the others in its trio, “Let’s make a Columbian Necktie!”

            Friend Bear says, “Sounds good to me!”

  
           Wish Bear responds, “I’m in!”

            NFG Mike shouts in defiance, “Do it!  Do it you little F@#ks!!!”

            Bedtime Bear, “Oh, don’t you worry my friend.  We will. . .”

            Screams are heard, followed by gurgling as Friend Bear, with the assistance of his brethren, slashes a vertical incision through NFG’s neck and then pulls out the man’s tongue; a Columbian necktie.  The three bears giggle as NFG dies, choking in his own blood.

            “Oh that was so much fun,” claps Bedtime Bear. “Let’s get back in our ride and see who else we can f@$k with!”

            “Sounds good to me!” excitedly replies Friend Bear.

            “Back on the road. . . b#$ches!,” exclaims Wish Bear.

            The three shimmy back into the Pimpmobile and ride to their next friendly adventure.

  

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER V: DESOLATION IN THE DESERT

 

            A solitary figure stands on top of a crested dune and stares at the sky above. Paul Atreides has long been haunted by his visions of the future.  The man’s past has displayed that his gifted foresight has inevitably proven true to life in most instances.  Hauntingly, Atreides recalls that his vivid dreams often become painful nightmares. 

            Atreides places his thumper and waits for Shai Halud to enter as his steed.  While he calmly shifts his weight on the sand beneath him, a feeling in his gut tells him that this day may not be one for The Makers.  Atreides shakes his present fugue state off and latches onto his Maker Hooks to pull himself onto the back of the enormous sandworm as it bursts forth from beneath the granules to greet its master.  Once Atreides mounts the worm, he directs the beast toward the action which will transpire before them.  He moves the worm in the direction of two beings of such immense size that they both far exceed the largest thinking machines ever created, or banned within the boundaries of his own Imperium.  A few hundred feet away, a sixth sense speaks to Apollo to assist his teammate. Apollo rushes to the aid of Atreides in what is sure to be a showdown of monstrous proportions. 

            Two immense mechanical cities sit idle next to each other in the center of the desert.  Suddenly, the whirring and grinding of mechanical sections is heard as the two metropolises begin to stir.  While the cities begin to change, two combatants careen out of the purple-colored city.  Tommy Oliver, flying with his Legion flight ring and Vampire Achilles exit speedily while the area from which they began slowly transforms into a massive T-Rex constructed of Cybertronian metal.  In an almost instinctual response, the white city to its east morphs into a massive robot.  The two arch-enemies never thought that they would be gifted with the unique opportunity to do battle against one another on such a grand stage.  Although they would like nothing more than to fight one-on-one in a showcase of vocational skill, they are both aware that they will be interrupted by the interactions of several other powerful combatants whom they share the spotlight at this location.  Tripticon and Metroplex violently crash into one another, causing intense vibrations which scar the entire area. 

            The deafening blow to his eardrums is more than enough cause for Tommy Oliver, also known as the Green Ranger, to pull out his dagger and use it like a flute for the purpose of summoning the Mighty Dragonzord.  Metroplex is forced to break off his existing battle and instead readies himself to face an incoming Dragonzord.  Meanwhile, Atreides barely is able to dismount from his sandworm as the monster rushes toward Tripticon.  The Transformers’ fight will have to be continued at a later time.

            While the monstrosities ready themselves for their respective skirmishes, the humanoid combatants prepare to face one another themselves.  Tommy Oliver pulls out his Green Ranger weapon and former lightsaber of Jedi Master Plo Koon and combines the two to create an energy blast which targets Apollo as he approaches the Saban-spun hero from the air.  Atreides unsheathes his blade, ready to confront Vampire Achilles as the former and current Horseman races toward him. 

            Sandworm #8 crashes into Tripticon and knocks the immense Decepticon down onto the dunes.  Tripticon is able to utilize the momentum of the worm and uses its T-Rex arms to throw the Maker off him.  Tripticon then brings down a massive foot onto the monster, crushing the center of it into the sand.  Tripticon takes advantage of the worm’s wounds and unleashes a massive wave of energy from his inner-mouth mounted cannon.  The burst strikes the bearer of the will of Shai-Halud with a thousand times the heat of the sun of Arrakis and kills it instantly.

            Meanwhile, the Dragonzord hits Metroplex with two skyscraper leveling punches to knock him backward.  Metroplex responds by throwing some “wicked” metal punches of his own.  The two behemoths trade blows until the Dragonzord takes a step back from the fracas and begins charging his primary finisher weapon.  As the Zord conjures the proper power, Metroplex rushes in and fights through the initial energy burst.  The enormous Autobot sends a flattened ridge hand directly into the metal beast’s chest.  Circuitry and sparks fly out of the exposed cavity as Metroplex places his massive foot on the damaged chest of the Zord and grabs a hold of its head.  Metroplex then pulls with all of his might until the head is no longer attached to the body of the Dragonzord. 

            Tripticon notices that Metroplex is himself no longer in his encounter and begins to stomp his way to begin, once again, and subsequently finish, the fight.  While en route, Tripticon lends a hand to his teammate, Oliver, by sending a charge of energy toward Apollo.  Apollo is knocked backward from the detonation and weakened, which allows Oliver time to focus his Morphin energy at Apollo and conjure his own energy lashing.  The emanation knocks a scorched Apollo to the ground, which Oliver immediately uses to his own advantage.  The ranger wastes no time and drives both his mystical dagger and blue lightsaber into Apollo’s chest to finish him. 

            Tommy Oliver reminisces about his current circumstances as he lifts from the air with his Legion flight ring.  He knows that he has been a valued member of the Horsemen since day one of the League’s creation.  Seeing the demise of Apollo reminds Oliver of his first ever start in Season 1, Week 1.  Superman (now his teammate, but then a member of TEAM—a/k/a Team Ed) spared him that day after a stalemate skirmish with Seraph, but he has never quite lived down the stigma of being the only Horsemen to ever retreat from a match.  Now faced with what will undoubtedly be his last venture, the Green Ranger flies off to find his next fight.

            The ground shakes as Metroplex and Tripticon resume their battle, but it does not bother two hardened warriors such as Atreides and Achilles.  Achilles’ smirk and pomposity continue to shine upon his face, but he cannot help but think about how he has never faced a man like Atreides who moves with such speed and grace.  A master of numerous fighting methods and skills, Atreides is also secretly impressed by the prowess of his enemy.  Atreides parries the attacks of Achilles and allows the sword of the Greek to glance off of his personal Holtzman Shield when it is swung too quickly.  Nonetheless, Atreides senses that it will take more than a stab wound from the tooth of a Maker in the form of his crysknife to kill this undead soldier.  Atreides hollers out a scream to enact the weirding way taught to him by his Bene Gesserit mother to shatter the shield of Achilles with his voice.  Atreides then spins into the air and grabs a chunk of wood from the shield before it hits the ground and drives it into the heart of Achilles.  He then sends it further in by issuing a thrust from the butt end of his crysknife to finish off the vampire. 

            Atreides turns to his right and sees that he is not going to get even a second’s rest from fighting.  Tommy Oliver approaches his enemy slowly in the air, while still acknowledging the other FFL Year One Draftee.  Both men recognize that each was drafted by the very team they fight for now in The Season 1 draft.  Both men have remained through the many administrative changes occurring on their own teams.  Both men came to this fight prepared to die and both realize that after the skirmish that is about to take place, one will.  Oliver lands upon the ground and sheathes his lightsaber while Atreides deactivates his Holtzman Shield.  The two pull out their daggers in unison to dual in the truest form of combat.  Oliver nods, while Atreides issues the ancient Fremen adage reserved for only the most worthy of opponents, “May your blade shatter and crack.” 

            With the respective pleasantries completed, the two clash in a pitched battle, while they pay no heed to the enormous altercation taking place between two city-sized Transformers less than a few hundred yards away.  Atreides’ crysknife glances off of Tommy’s chest-shield several times, while the Green Ranger manages to get close enough to slice two of the catch pocket tubes in Maud Dib’s stillsuit.  The two   catch each other’s hands in a grappling position, but Atreides breaks the silence of their battle as he begins to overpower the Ranger. 

            “It would have been an honor to have your water amongst my sietch”, says Atreides as he releases the grapple and ducks down low, thrusting upward with his Fremen weapon and forcing it under Oliver’s helmet and into his head. 

            The damaged Transformers begin to show structural weariness due to the fact that they have pounded one another for such a lengthy period of time.  Tripticon attempts to gain an advantage over his current nemesis and, once again, unleashes a blast from his mouth cannon.  Metroplex’s agility is mystifying for such a giant as he is able to dodge the discharge by dropping to one knee.  The massive Autobot spins on its knee and delivers an uppercut to Tripticon.  The Horseman is dizzied by the blow, which allows Metroplex the opportunity to lift Tripticon up over his head and bring him down into an earthquake causing back breaker which extinguishes his arch-enemy’s spark once and for all.           

            Atreides looks to Metroplex and a smile creases across his face. 

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: PROLOGUE II

             As I stumble further into the city, I look to my left and see the remains of a skirmish between combatants. A Ferrari lies motionless against a building with the remains of a driver behind the wheel.   I also notice an expanse of robotic limbs and pieces strewn across the area. 

            I walk to a nearby wooden bench which has miraculously withstood the skirmishes that transpired in this zone.  I sit back, exhausted, and look to the sky above.  I search for the blazing emblem and lost participant’s likeness which have intermittently lighted the heavens throughout the match.  I was informed in my locker room that the current Watcher was inspired by an author of teenage dystopian novels and would be adding this dimension to the match.   Thus, when a participant passes away during the Universe Bowl, his or her guise is mirrored in the sky above for all to either amuse, or bemoan. 

            Now that I am the last survivor of this Universe Bowl and have seen all other likenesses in the sky, I only await the ship which will take me back to my team’s locker room.  A locker room where Mysterio will stand alone. . . but triumphant.