Season Six: Consolation Round 1: The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midget's vs Real Man's Rabblerousers

The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midget’s: Gwildore (w/ The Cosmic Key), Blue Toad, Yellow Toad and Smurf #3. Mystery Date is ???

Real Man’s Rabblerousers: Agent Phil Coulson w/destroyer gun and Maria Hill w/jet pack. Mystery Date is ???

At the Rabblerousers Headquarters:

Agent Coulson: I’m going where?

Jules Winnfield: I told you already, don’t make me repeat myself.

Maria Hill: There has to be somebody else you can send. What about Veronica?

Veronica Mars: Hey, just because I'm a teenager does not mean I have any desire to go to Prom.

Agent Coulson: I bet your opinion on the subject would differ if Logan were all of a sudden available.

Veronica Mars: Well, luckily for me that isn’t likely to happen on such short notice.

Agent Coulson: Sir, Maria does have a point. I have not been to a dance in a quarter of a century and I imagine it has been close to twenty years for Ms. Hill as well.

Maria Hill: Excuse me Phil, twenty years?

Agent Coulson: Seventeen?

Maria gives him a snide look and turns back to start it up again with Jules when he cuts her off.

Jules Winfield: Listen Maria, Phil; I am not asking for your permission. You are both going to prom and that is the end of it. Now get back to your quarters and get ready to dance your Asses off. I won’t be asking you again.

Maria Hill: Yes sir but I promise you this; I will not enjoy even a single moment of this night.

Jules Winfield: Not my problem Ms. Hill, not my problem. Oh and by the way, somebody else will be meeting you there.

Agent Coulson: Somebody else? Who?

Jules Winfield: Hell if I know, I just read the memo. Have fun.

Maria Hill: I cannot believe we have to do this.

Agent Couslon: We play on the Rabblerousers Maria; us having to go to a school dance should be the highlight of our season.

Maria Hill: It’s just a waste of our talents Phil.

Agent Coulson: Okay Lebron.

Maria Hill: You can’t possibly be fine with this.

Agent Coulson: I learned a long time ago complaining in this league never leads to anything. What we want personally is irrelevant and you know that better then anyone here. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go find Vincent and see if he has a suit I can borrow.

Maria Hill: Vincent Vega? You’ll look your wearing your father’s suit.

Agent Coulson: Agent Hill, you are caring entirely too much about this match. Is there something else on your mind?

Maria Hill: No I’m fine. I need to get ready myself.

Agent Coulson: See you back here in a half hour.

Maria Hill: (Broadcasting a faux smile) With bells on!

Maria then sulks around for a minute while biting her nails and begins to walk back to her quarters when Veronica Mars runs up next to her.

Veronica: Okay Maria, what’s up? I know questions are your thing but this is excessive even for you.

Maria: It’s just a waste. Why would they send me to this thing? I should be in the field.

Veronica: This couldn’t possibly have anything to do with Prom could it?

Maria: No.

Veronica: Could that no be spelled Y.E.S?

Maria: Leave me alone Vicky.

Veronica: (A huge smile on her face now) Oh, it is Prom. What happened?

Maria: It’s not Prom.

Veronica: Oh no, it is Prom and you are under the impression you have a choice in whether or not your going to talk, so talk.

Maria: I will say this; you live up to your reputation.

Veronica: Compliments will get you everywhere Maria but they are not getting you out of telling me this story.

Maria: Fine. His name was Teddy…

Veronica: Ooh Teddy, he sounds cute.

Maria: (Laughs) You’re not making this easy.

Veronica: Now why would I ever make it easy? So Teddy asked you out and you went out and bought the cutest blue and pink dress you could afford and then what? Did he take your innocence Maria? Could he really have been that bad? Or maybe you were that bad.

Maria: Can you please stop.

Veronica: Fine, continue.

Maria: Yes Teddy asked me out and I did go out and buy the cutest purple actually, and pink dress I could afford. And yes, I probably would have given him my innocence if I still had it.

Veronica: You know Maria, Pre-Marital sex is a sin.

Maria: Anyways, we were all meeting at a friends house because we…

Veronica: Got a limo, blah blah blah, I can fill in the gaps.

Maria: (Annoyed but fully committed to finishing the story) We were all there, waiting for him to show when…

Veronica: He stood you up didn’t he?

Maria: Would you let me finish?

Veronica: Please do.

Maria: No, he did not stand me up. It was far worse then that. He pulls up in his black Camaro and I’m all excited because, well, because I was. He parks the car and gets out. I wave to him admittedly like a loser and he has this look on his face, first of confusion and then of pure horror.

Veronica: He forgot what you looked like didn’t he? He wasn’t too thrilled with what he was seeing was he?

Maria: You’re a bitch. (Pauses) As soon as I recognized the look of horror I see his passenger door open and out comes Mandy Fischer, wearing the tightest black dress you could possibly imagine. I don’t remember much after that other then dragging my house key across the entire drivers side of his car.

Veronica: So Teddy…

Maria: Schneider.

Veronica: So Teddy Schneider shows up to Prom with the Sluttiest girl in school and forgets that he has already asked you out. Then you completely meltdown, key his car, attend Stanford University and go on to become a top ranking field agent for S.H.I.E.L.D who’s main fear in life is still the prospect of going to another Prom?

Maria: No, but when you say it like that it sounds believable.

Veronica: That’s because it’s true. Now let’s go find the Furies and get you into something that nobody will soon forgot. Seriously, Phil won’t know what hit him.

Maria: I’m not into Agent Coulson.

Veronica: Okay, keep telling yourself that.

I could describe the following montage but in the spirit of haste (I know, too late) just picture Maria trying on different dresses while looking miserable as Veronica and the Female Furies constantly pierce their lips and shake their heads ‘No’ until they finally find the perfect dress for Maria. Then it is all smiles and looks of satisfaction on their faces all the while, “Suddenly I See” by KT Tunstall plays in the background.

Lashina: Okay Maria, what do you think?

Maria: I can’t believe it girls, this is incredible! (Wipes tears away from her eyes) I am…speechless.

Gilotina: Nobody ever remembers that we were stationed in Paris for seven years back in the 1980’s. When it comes to fashion statements, nobody does it better then the Female Furies!

Veronica Mars: Well Maria, I don’t think there is a Teddy in the world right now that wouldn’t beg to take you out tonight.

Maria: Is it sad that this is the happiest I have been all season.

Veronica: We play for Real Man, it would be sad if it wasn’t the happiest moment of the year.

Granny Goodness: Don’t forget the shoes honey, no girl of ours is going out in anything less then perfect.

Maria: You know what girls, you just made this cold-hearted agent feel like the prettiest 16 year-old girl in the world.

Veronica: Well, isn’t that all any of us ever want?

Maria: Yes Veronica, it really is.

Krisatu: Okay stop, what are doing?

Nickatu: What? Writing the match.

Krisatu: This isn’t a match. You are writing the single gayest piece of fan fiction I have read this week. And what, the female furies are now fashionistas from Paris?

Nickatu: I mean, they could be.

Krisatu: No they couldn’t. You also turned Maria Hill into; I don’t even know what you’re doing with her.

Nickatu: I tried to imagine if Lindsay from “Freaks and Geeks” turned out to be Ally McBeal…

Krisatu: I don’t even know what that means.

Nickatu: Well Lindsay was kind of like this tomboyish type girl and Ally…

Krisatu: Nobody cares about your weird television show fantasies and please stop going through peoples rosters and just picking and choosing who you want to write. You can’t just rework your characters back-stories into whatever you want either. Plus, last time I checked Veronica Mars was not started in this match.

Nickatu: You done?

Krisatu: Yes I am. Could you please start?

Nickatu: This is why I quit dude. I just want to write what I feel like.

Krisatu: Then just write. But would you please do it on your own time. Nobody wants to hear about this stuff. Your matches come off as self serving vanity projects and it gets old fast. Which is not to say I am being ungrateful either. I really appreciate you writing a match but please just make an attempt to stay on target here.

Nickatu: Nice Star Wars reference.

Krisatu: I’m really trying to make an effort with those.

Nickatu: It was a good one. Fine, I promise to get to the Prom. Can I at least finish this whole Maria loves her dress and have Phil have the “She’s All That” look on his face?

Krisatu: Even if I say no you’re still going to do it. Just make it quick okay. This is a consolation match after all. I doubt a single playoff match will be this long.

Nickatu: That is what I am counting on.

Krisatu: Yeah, I know.

Nickatu: It’s just, I know.

Krisatu: What?

Nickatu: From Empire. Han just says, “I know” not “Yeah, I know”.

Krisatu: I wasn’t making a Star Wars reference.

Nickatu: Oh.

Krisatu: I’m not insane like you guys. I still just speak in normal vernacular most of the time.

Nickatu: Okay, can I write this thing now? Your vernacular is interrupting me.

Krisatu: F#%@ You Nick.

Nickatu: So uncivilized. Now that is how you make a Star Wars reference.

Krisatu: I don’t even know what that one is from?

Nickatu: If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

Krisatu: You guys are idiots.

Nickatu: Would you get out of here?

Anyways, Maria Hill leaves the Female Furies Hair Salon with Veronica and sees Agent Coulson in the distance.

Veronica Mars: Well, you ready for this?

Maria Hill: I think so.

Veronica: No Maria, you know so.

Maria Hill: I do don’t I.

Veronica: Well, go get him.

Maria gives Veronica a big hug and begins to head towards Agent Coulson. Phil has been standing in the middle of the teams' cafeteria for a while now and doesn’t notice Maria walk in until after she has regained the full confidence of the true S.H.I.E.L.D Agent that she was born to be. As soon as Phil noticed her though things started to move in slow motion. Walking towards him was a version of Agent Hill that he had never even considered. Her hair fell effortlessly across her face as she moved toward him in a little black dress that was making his heart skip a beat. The sound of Demi Lovato’s “Heart Attack” played in the background as she approached her colleague of many years. Her heart was beating in a way that made her throw away everything that she had ever considered in regards to Agent Coulson. She knew she looked amazing and for the first time ever she let herself hope that maybe, just maybe he was looking at her as something other then just another S.H.I.E.L.D Agent. Only moments away now from Phil, she had to remember to breathe to ensure he wouldn’t be collecting her collapsed body from the ground. She then took one last big breath and finally met him at the equinox of the room.

Maria: Hi Phil.

Phil: Hello Maria, you look very nice tonight. Though I do wonder how you expect to wear this Jet pack in that dress.

Maria: (Stunned) That’s all you have to say Phil?

Phil: I mean, I suppose you could wear my jacket to help protect your shoulders.

Maria: Yes Phil, I suppose I could. (Bummed beyond belief but like most people in their early 30’s, she is used to disappointment and is able to bury it deep down inside, leaving the dealing for another time and place.)

Phil: So, you want the jacket?

Maria: Yeah, just give it to me.

Maria puts the jacket on and Phil helps her put the jet pack on.

Agent Coulson: You ready Agent Hill?

Maria: I always am. You?

Agent Coulson: Yeah, I suppose. It is just a consolation match after all.

Maria: Suppose so.

Agent Coulson: Maria.

Maria: Yeah.

Agent Coulson: You really do look beautiful.

Maria: Thanks, Phil. Now let’s go win this thing.

THE FFL PROM

I know that this is supposed to be Prom, since the banner at the front says “The FFL Prom” but I am not quite sure the person who set this up has ever been to one. Or at the very least has ever watched a couple dozen television shows and movies involving the event. Nothing is decorated and there is nothing but BBQ potato chips and bacon at every table. From the looks of it there isn’t any punch either, just Game Day light beer and hard cider at the drinks table as well. Hmmm, I wonder who set this one up.

As people start to make their way into the room and the DJ begins to play an assortment of music that includes Jim Croce, Joan Jett and Soul Asylum, I begin to recognize some faces. First comes in the Midgets tiny combatants who are lead by both Toads and Gwildore who is carrying Smurf #3 on the Cosmic Key.

Next in naturally are both Agent’s Coulson and Hill, looking dapper and beautiful respectfully. Everybody first gets a drink and something to eat, as this is a consolation match after. Both teams chit-chat with one another for a little, while they await the big event of the night.

Yellow Toad: Well Maria, who do you want for your blind date?

Maria: I don’t know, I suppose a Superman would be nice. I figure since everybody else has one on their team, the waiver wire wouldn’t want to be left out.

Blue Toad: Yeah and then Mario was like “Heya Luigi, we should unclog the Princesses pipes again like we did in San Antonio”.

Agent Coulson: I do apologize but I literally don’t know what you are talking about.

Blue Toad: It must be Game Day because it’s going down tonight.

Agent Coulson: You mean because…

Blue Toad: Yes because…

Agent Coulson: I know…

Blue Toad: Then why did you…

Agent Coulson: Shut up.

Blue Toad: Mystery dates huh?

Agent Coulson: What about them?

Blue Toad: We both have them going on tonight.

Agent Coulson: I suppose we do.

Blue Toad: Not much for talking, are you agent?

Agent Coulson: Not true Toad, I just don’t see the point of using more words then are necessary.

Blue Toad: Into Austerity are you. Whater you German?

Agent Coulson: Scottish actually.

Blue Toad: Scottish (laughs). Where’s your skirt? (Laughs some more)

As Blue Toad is sitting there laughing he is hit in the back of the head quite hard with what seems to be a baseball.

Chris Matthews: We Brits gotta stick together.

Agent Coulson: Oh so we're friends?

Chris Matthews: Better to defend a Scot then some short piece of shit with a blue mushroom on his head.

Agent Coulson: Well Mr. Matthews, I can only assume you are our blind date?

Chris Matthews: Date yes. Blind I don’t think so.

Agent Coulson: Well whatever help we can get will always be useful.

Chris Matthews: I hope the Hardball to the head wasn’t too over the top for you.

Agent Coulson: Like I said, I’ll take all the help I can get. Maria, anytime you want to join in on this fight will be useful.

Maria Hill: You know what Phil (pauses) you got it.

Maria then pulls out a gun and shoves it into the mouth of the yellow Toad and pulls the trigger, sending chunks of yellow mushroom fragments all over the bacon-covered table.

Gwildore: Oh boy Smurfy, I think this is getting real. Time for us to get out of here.

Gwildore engages the Cosmic Key and both himself and the Smurf disappear.

Agent Coulson: I am so sick of Trans-dimensional devices.

Chris Matthews: If I had a dime for everytime I thought that.

Blue Toad: Shut up you stupid Mick. You’d have what, a nickel?

Chris Matthews: Christ, you're worse then a bloody Pubby.

Matthews then slowly walked up to the Blue headed Toad and snapped his neck.

Maria Hill: Which is what? A negative slur for a Republican?

Chris Matthews: Of course it is you skinny bitch.

Miss Piggy: Who are you calling a skinny bitch?

Chris Matthews: Certainly not you, you chubby piece of…

Miss Piggy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Miss Piggy in an instant pulled out a sword and shoved it directly through the mouth of the stroke waiting to happen television personality.

Miss Piggy: Explain your position to somebody who cares in hell!

Maria Hill: Mystery date I take it?

Miss Piggy: Oh, she is skinny and she has a brain. Your team must be so proud to have you as a member.

Maria Hill: Oh that’s it bitch.

Maria takes off in her Jet Pack but before she is able to make a move she comes crashing down towards the ground, sans her fuel heavy backpack. Maria lies on the ground disoriented and looks up at the trend setting pig, but before she is able to make a move there is a piercing pain in her chest. She looks down and finds Miss Piggy’s sword lying directly next to her heart, right inside of her chest. A warm breathe then speaks to her in an almost matter of fact tone in her left ear.

Gwildore: The cosmic key really is a remarkable tool.

Miss Piggy: He went back to the beginning of the match and took it away from you and you never even noticed. Hahahahahahaha. Looks like the skinny girl has nothing going for her after all!

Agent Coulson: That is unless you don’t count me, which right now I will have to say that you may want to reconsider.

Agent Coulson sends a blast from the Destroyer gun directly through the backside of the overweight pig. Gwildore sees his temporary teammate become yet another appetizer as he goes for the Cosmic Key.

Agent Coulson: Yeah you might want to stay away from that thing Dormu.

Gwildore: You know nothing of its power, terrestrial. It has a power that you could not possibly understand.

Agent Coulson pulls out a small transporter out of his back pants pocket and says, “It’s up to you to test it. In fact, go right ahead. Prove me wrong”.

Gwildore looks puzzled, which is all the time Coulson needs to send one more blast from the Destroyer gun right at the Eternian creature, completely incinerating him from the dance floor. Phil runs over to Maria as Jessie J’s “Domino” plays over the speakers in the hall.

Maria: Seriously, how did this song make the cut?

Coulson: I am sorry that I wasn’t fast enough Maria, I didn’t realize what the key was capable of.

Maria: I thought you had control of it Phil?

Coulson: Why, because of this?

Coulson pulls out his cell phone, a black berry.

Coulson: The silly troll didn’t even recognize an outdated cell phone. Seriously, the government really needs to update fast.

Maria: (Laughs) You are always able to disassociate yourself from the situation aren’t you?

Agent Coulson: It’s my curse Maria.

Maria: Curse! It’s your greatest advantage Phil.

Agent Coulson: (Laughs) It’s hardly an advantage Maria. Sure it might keep me alive once in while but it makes me not quite a member of this world.

Maria: Alive and not quite of this world sounds pretty good right now. (She coughs up blood and becomes paler by the second). Regardless of the situation you seem to be one step ahead. I’d say that’s quite the advantage.

Agent Coulson: For arguments sake let’s say your right.

Maria: Right good that does me at this point.

Agent Coulson: Exactly MY point. When you came to my before the match tonight I felt something for you that I cannot explain and instead of confronting it head on, I shut it off and turned it back on you.

Maria: I was a foolish girl Phil. There is no time for that sort of thing in this league. I let my emotions get the best of me. I regret every…

Agent Coulson: You should regret nothing. I regret not falling for it. Turning that feeling off (pauses) where did that get me?

Maria: If got us the win.

Agent Coulson: It’s a consolation match Maria.

Maria: It’s the little victories right? (Laughs a little)

Agent Coulson: I would have rather lost this stupid match then be sitting here watching you die.

Maria: Now who’s the softy Phil?

Agent Coulson: I’m serious.

Maria: (Coughs up more blood) And so am I. Now is not the time to go soft. I let myself feel something tonight that may or may not have gotten me killed. Now would you please go over to the drinks table and finish off that pathetic looking Smurf.

Agent Coulson: (Slowly considers Maria’s request but eventually come to) As you wish.

Maria: What?

Agent Coulson: From the Princess Bride.

Maria: Okay, so.

Agent Coulson: It’s your favorite movie.

Maria: No it’s not.

Agent Coulson: Well it was an unlucky guess.

Maria: Shawshank Redemption.

Agent Coulson: Seriously?

Maria: What’s wrong with Shawshank?

Agent Coulson: Well, it’s like saying your favorite band is the Beatles. Everyone likes Shawshank.

Maria: Well I like (coughs) Shawshank. It’s (coughs) my favorite okay.

Agent Coulson: Fair enough.

Maria: One more thing though Phil (Very faintly)

Agent Coulson: Anything.

Maria: How did that fat pig get that sword?

Agent Coulson: That key can do wondrous things.

Maria: Is that your way of saying you have no idea?

Agent Coulson: It’s my way of explaining something that has no answer.

Maria: Yeah, you have no idea.

Agent Coulson: I’m going to go kill that smurf now.

Maria: You go do that.

Agent Coulson walks over to the drinks table that has the hard cider on it, picks up the smurf and throws him down onto the table with enough force to crush every bone in his body. He then walks back on over to Agent Hill and sits with her until her last breathe leaves her body.

Veronica Mars: Well I know you died, but at least this time Teddy didn’t forget about you.

Maria Hill: Yes, me dying was such a wonderful alternative to my second Prom story.

Veronica Mars: Well if you had to do it over again…

Maria Hill: Dying, oh god yes. I’d take it every time.

S6 Playoff Round 1 - The Royal Highness vs The Kennelz

The Royal Highness is: Yoda, Eradicator, Doomslayer, Cyborg Doomsday, Steel Doomsday, Superboy Doomsday, Metroplex, Q, Professor X, Vampire Jean Grey (in a B-wing), Nova w/Worldmind (Richard Rider), Apollo, Midnighter, Sandworm #3B, Agent 47(In a Batwing), Black Lantern Josh Houslander(9 deaths) and Heather w/ green lightsaber, NFG Mike w/green lightsaber.

The Kennelz are: The Worthy: Ulik, Serpent, Skadi: Herald of the Serpent merged with Shao Kahn, Kuurth: Breaker of Stone merged with Gimli, Nul: Breaker of Worlds merged with Beast Wars Megatron, Skirn: Breaker of Men merged with Princes Leia, Nerkkod: Breaker of Oceans merged with Nightsister Sith Witch #1, Mokk: Breaker of Faith merged with Blanka, Greithoth: Breaker of Wills merged with Marv, Angir: Breaker of Souls merged with Beast Man; Phoenix Force Cyclops, Phoenix Force Collossus, Phoenix Force Emma Frost, Phoenix Force Magik, Phoenix Force Namor; Inhumans: Black Bolt (9 deaths, w/ Mace Windu's purple lightsaber and GL ring), Inhumans: Medusa, Inhumans: Gorgon, Inhumans: Maximus the Mad (w/ Red lightsaber); Ares (9 deaths w/Atlas), Kratos (w/Heat Axe), Steel Superman (9 deaths w/Blue lantern ring), Brandon Inge (w/ GL ring, Green lightsaber), Mandalorian Justin Oblak (w/Gears of War Lancer), Matt Oblak (w/Mandalorian Armor, Green and Blue lightsabers), Dr. Teresa Oblak (w/ Tron light suit & identity disc, blue and green lightsabers), Dexter The Dog, C.M. Punk (w/Flamethrower).

Agent 47 circles above the playoff planet in the Batwing, spying on the positioning of the Kennelz while Professor X is using his telepathy to read Agent 47's mind and relay what he sees back to the rest of the Royal Highness team. Professor X then sends out his team and stays inside one of the buildings in the city region of the planet. He would love to go out and help his team fight but he is just as effective from high atop this skyscraper, where he can observe much of this week's activity. Also, the elevator is currently down for maintenance so he is kinda stuck up here anyway...

The Phoenix Force wastes little time in the desert. Certain that they are up against a sandworm this week, Collossus takes to smashing on the sandy earth trying to rise the beast from his slumber while Emma Frost and Cyclops circle overhead. Apollo and Midnighter can feel the earth shake from several dunes over. Professor X senses this from miles away and commands Nova and Worldmind to move in to assist. Nova is first to fly in and he engages Namor while Magik takes on Worldmind. Worldmind falls but Nova is able to best Namor as he then moves in to finish off Magik. Before he can, Emma Frost prevents him from moving any further and Magik is able to smash his head into the hot sand as he is unable to defend himself. As Magik rises back to her feet to thank Frost, she looks into her lifeless eyes as Midnighter has come up behind her and pulled her spine out of her back. Frost falls dead on the sand and before Magik can react, she becomes the lunch of Sandworm #3B.

Cyclops begins to fire his heat vision on the diving sandworm but his mask is shot off by an energy blast from the tip of Apollo's finger. Cyclops falls blind to the ground and Apollo takes another shot at Collossus who is moving in to help his fallen teammate. Marv (wielding Greithoth) and Beast Man (with Angir) also come to assist their fellow Kennelz and Midnighter now returns to stand by his husband's side. The Sandworm leaps into the air for his final strike, and lands upon the still struggling Cyclops. As he is going back into the ground, Marv and Beast Man swing their hammers together to crush the body of the decending sandworm and he writhes in pain momentarily before finally dying.

Staggered by their hammer swings, Marv and Beast Man return to their feet with just enough time to see Apollo and the Midnighter decend upon them. Apollo burns out Marv's eyes before he can strike and Midnighter removes his heart. By this time, Beast Man has lowered the breaker of souls down on the Midnighter ending his life and an enraged Apollo avenges his lovers death by harnessing the power of the sun and setting Beast man on fire. Collossus is easily able to crush the head of an exhausted Apollo before retreating to join his remaining Kennelz.

Nightsister Sith Witch (with Nerkkod) and Princess Leia (with Skirn) are in the water floating on an old barn door arguing over which side of the force is more powerful. Above they see Agent 47, who is still circling overhead in the batwing, taking shots at them with his rifle. The water begins to ripple as the Eradicator flies toward them, just above the surface of the water, and the two ladies use their hammers to furiously try and paddle their barn door to safety. The Eradicator continues to fly around the pair in circles, causing the water to begin to form a whirlpool and they are flushed underneath and never resurface.

The Eradicator lands on the beach next to teammates Doomslayer and Steel Doomsday amused with himself. Not amused are Steel Superman, Kratos, Blanka (with Mokk), and Ares who are also on the shores of the playoff ocean. The teams move in to fight and the Highness team is worried going up against two 9 deathers for the Kennelz. Doomslayer is avoiding most of the swings from Kratos's Heat Axe; however, one blow manages to lodge itself into his leg and in a fit of rage, Doomslayer pulls the handle of the Heat Axe closer to get Kratos in range and then upper cuts him into the stratosphere where he lands somewhere else far away dead. Ares has moved in and stabs his atlas into Doomslayer's back. Still furious, Ares is knocked into the water with a backhand from Doomslayer. Blanka lands a blow from Mokk that brings the enraged Doomsday clone to his knees, alive but defeated. A soaked Ares walks out of the water, blood running down his face, to the exhaused Doomslayer and ends his life with a mighty stomp on his head.

Ares then throws his atlas into the air and strikes the batwing sending Agent 47 crashing down to the water. He struggles to the shore and the Eradicator violently helps his teammate to his feet. Agent 47 takes shots at the son of Zeus but Ares continues to approach him. He grabs the hitman by the neck and throws him into the shallow water. Steel Doomsday moves to help but before he can reach him, Blanka crouches down and begins to electrocute him. Ares holds Agent 47 under water face up so he can watch his eyes go dead. Steel Doomsday reaches his hand out as far as he can go and manages to stick his arm into the water as Blanka continues to electrocute him. Ares is knocked to the beach as the massive amount of electricity runs through his body. The Eradicator uses his power to absorb the electricity from Blanka, which frees Steel Doomsday, and then channels all of the stored energy into one massive blast directly to the chest of Ares, sending him to the graveyard.

Steel Doomsday kicks Blanka onto his back and the Eradicator bends over and manages to pick up Mokk, raise it high above his head, and crush the skull of Blanka with his own hammer. Steel Doomsday and The Eradicator then turn to look at Steel Superman who considers a fight until reinforcements begin to arrive for The Highness members. Steel Superman feels his best chances at helping his team are to retreat to space and join the fight where he might actually have some backup.

In space, Vampire Jean Grey is flying in her B-wing and has begun to take shots at Shao Kahn who is easily blocking each one with his hammer, Skadi. Steel Superman has just arrived and uses his heat vision to burn out one of the engines sending her off course crashing into the planet below. Q sees this and moves in to end the reign of the Man of Steel... of Steel. He starts channeling his energy into throwing space rocks at him. Most of these just bounce off his armor and are more for his amusement anyway, but it does get Steel Superman's attention. Shao Kahn throws Skadi toward Q and he must now quickly redirect his energy toward stopping the hammer from striking him. This gives Steel Superman the chance to get behind Q and before he can react, Steel Superman has reached both hands through Q's torso showing him his own heart. Pleased with his massive accomplishment, he soon realizes that since Q is now dead, nothing is stopping his teammates hammer from heading his way. With his arms bound by Q's ribcage, Steel Superman can only watch as the Skadi: Herald of the Sepent, is lodged directly into his skull ending his life.

In the city, the battle has been going on for hours. CuM Punk is spraying hot love from his Flamethrower setting everything on fire. His annoyed teammates (Inge, The Oblaks and Dexter the Dog) are following behind covering their mouths to keep from inhaling too much soot and smoke.

As they all turn a corner on one of the streets, they are met by Highness members NFG Mike, Josh, and Heather Houslander. A sweet lighsaber battle breaks out Teresa and Heather are going at it while NFG battles Brandon Inge. Black Lantern Josh is taking on both Oblak brothers and CuM punk is just firing his flamethrower into the air.

Dexter the Dog sees his trusty owner being attacked and bites the neck of BL Josh Houslander. His artery is badly damaged and after a couple of more bites, Josh fades to black. Suddenly, several giant chunks of concrete fall upon the combatants as Cyborg Doomsday and Superboy Doomsday laugh from high above on top of the building above the recent fight scene. No one is left stirring in the street below.

PF Collossus has returned from the desert and meets up with the 4 Inhumans. The Kennelz have all converged in the Fantasy town square to try and draw the Highness in. Ulik, Serpent, Shao Kahn, Gimli and Beast Wars Megatron are all there. Still up above on the buildings Cyborg Doomsday and Superboy Doomsday move into position to attack. The Eradicator and Steel Doomsday return from the water and Yoda climbs on The Eradicator's shoulders.

Silence falls upon the square for just a moment before Cyborg Doomsday starts the action. Jumping down from the roof top he manages to take Gimli by surprise and crushes him easily. Shao Kahn is also proves to be no match for him as he is without his mighty hammer. Medusa quickly whips her hair around Cyborg Doomsday to restrain his arms and this allows Maximus the Mad time to shove his red lighsaber into his chest. The Eradicator kicks Medusa to the ground and holds her down with his foot on the back of her neck. Yoda jumps off his back and plunges his lightsaber into her head before her hair can do more damage.

Collossus takes a punch at Steel Doomsday who's armor absorbs the punch well. They trade blows back and forth until Collossus hesitates for just a moment, giving Steel Doomsday enough time to wind up and punch his face hard enough to damage his brain and end his life. His victory is short lived as Nul, the hammer held by Beast Wars Megatron, strikes Steel Doomsday breaking and bending his body until he cannot recover from his injuries. Superboy Doomsday flies down and catches Gorgon by surprise. Forced to turn his back from his previous fight, Yoda is able to put his lighsaber into the base of Gorgon's skull. This enrages Maximus the Mad and as Yoda fends off his weak lighsaber attacks, The eradicator and Superboy Doomsday rip his limbs from his body.

Ulik and the Serpent have seen enough and double team Superboy Doomsday. He falls to their attacks but manages to kill the Serpent by burning a hole in his chest before he dies.

Yoda and The Eradicator are beginning to feel trapped. Ulik and BW: Megatron are closing in on the duo. Behind them, the skyline begins to shift and Metroplex rises high above. BW: Megatron wastes little time attacking but his efforts are short lived. It takes just a few MASER cannons to dispatch him along with his hammer, Nul. Ulik turns to Black Bolt.

“Now is your time! You got another life left in you?” yells Ulik.

Black Bolt smiles and begins to inhale deeply.

The Eradicator grabs Yoda and takes off.

Ulik climbs the mighty Metroplex and rips his cannons off. He cannot move in time before Black Bolt releases his scream that not only kills Metroplex and Ulik, but levels 10 square blocks of buildings.

After several minutes Yoda returns walking next to the Eradicator. Black Bolt charges at the two and using his Green Lantern ring, constructs a giant lasso to restrain The Eradicator and then removes his head with Mace Windu's lightsaber.

Towering above the tiny Yoda, Black Bolt inhales again. But this time, it is Yoda that smiles. As Black Bolt goes to scream, he finds himself speechless and he doesn't know why. He then looks over his shoulder and sees Professor X who is controlling his mind and restricting his speech and movement. It is now clear to Black Bolt why Yoda and The Eradicator left a few minutes ago.

Yoda climbs the back of Black Bolt and hesitates.

“A good run, you had. To the graveyard, you must go.” the Jedi Master says.

Yoda raises up and sinks his lightsaber into the neck and severs the spine of the massive Inhuman.

Grindhouse Vs Horsemen

Grindhouse is

Mogo, Birdbrain, Bristleback, Scowl, Icepick, Slog and Wildfly (Tranformers. They join together to form Monstructor), Siren w/Trident, Xebel Soldiers #16-20, Nekron, White Lantern Abin Sur, Yellow and Orange Lantern Hal Jordan, Red Lantern and Star Sapphire Guy Gardner, Indigo Lantern John Stewart, Blue Lantern Kyle Rayner w/ Ion's green lantern ring, Bucky O'Hare Crew consisting of Bucky O'Hare w/ green lightsaber, DeadEye Duck w/ red lightsaber, Bruiser w/ red lightsaber, Willy Duwitt, Pilot Jenny in a Z-95 Headhunter, and AFC Blinkie, Sandworm #12, Destro w/ Magnokryptonite, Baroness w/ SPIN tech, Iron Patriot, Cosmic Spider-Man, Chris Seeney w/ red lantern ring, Jar Jar Binks, Life Model Decoy

Horsemen are 

Witch King of Angmar (Team Captain), Anti Monitor, The One Above All, Superman, Flamebird, Nightwing, Oa Guardian #3, Oa Guardian #4, Krona, White Lantern Sinestro, Dark Archangel, Snowflame, Tripticon, Black Lantern Yoda, White Suit Anakin Skywalker, Dracula, Black Lantern Chris Artrip, Black Lantern Julie Artrip, Bedtime Bear, Fry Guy #1, Technodrome and 3 of its transport modules

Griffin: OH S**t!!!!!! I MISSED THE FIGHT! Man now I gotta make it all up.

As Griffin sat on what was left of the Anti-Monitor to write his story Jar Jar’s corpse began to move.

Griffin: Seriously now I gotta deal with zombies? This blows.

Griffin picks up a piece of shrapnel, raises it above his head, and just as he is about to crush the zombies skull something bursts out of the torso!

Bedtime Bear: STOPPPPPP!!!!!!! IAM NOTA ZOMBIE!

Griffin: Dude that is f**KED up! How long were you in there.

 Bedtime Bear: You don’t wana know.

Griffin: Alright well I am kinda in a jam here, you think you could tell me what happened?

Bedtime Bear: Seriously I’ve been chewing gungin a** since Tuesday waiting for you to come pick me up and now you want me to do your job for you?

Griffin: Yep.

Bedtime: Typical. We all waited around for you but when you didn’t show up after like EIGHT F**KIN HOURS we got a little restless and just said f**k it. Dracula and I took one of those drill cars out on a scouting mission. We came across this boney a**  muf**ker, an Drac’s like “Yo I got this”, So he steps out and walks up to old boy and I am thinking in my head oh yea Dracula’s about F**k this cat up. NOPE! Dracula took one swing the dude caught it and his had turned to dust. Dracula started scream” OHHHH MY HAND! MY HAND! HELP ME JESUS! Then the skeletor dude ripped out Dracula’s heart and he burst into flames. It looked just like that scene in Indiana jones and the temple of doom. You know the one Iam talkin about?

Griffin: Yea I know, keep goin with the story.

Bedtime Bear: Alright yea so in hind sight that s**t was pretty cool But at the time IT WAS SCARY AS HELL! I turned that drill car around and hauled balls back to base. Unfortunately I lead the scary a** skeleton right to my team. I was right in the middle of warning everybody when he blew through the door. Oa Guardian #4 hit him with a blast of energy but it didn’t do anything. He just grabbed his head with both hands and sucked the life out of him. Don’t ask me how he did it without lips cause I don’t know. Oa Guardian #3 and Krona rushed him but he knocked them over with their buddy’s corpse. Flamebird and Nightwing both got shots in but it was very counterproductive cause their arms rotted of as soon as they touched him. Without any arms it was pretty easy for him to rip out their brains. White lantern sinestro jumped on his back and started punching him in the skull, at first I was like “dude did you not just see everybody else turn to dust when they touched him but obviously he knew something I didn’t cause he was doin pretty good. Right when I start thinkin we’ve got things under control the whole top of the technodrome gets ripped off by some faggy rainbow energy. I thought the captain planet kids had showed up or something but it was just a bunch of lanterns. The Black Lantern Artrip’s tried to fight them but they were way out matched. Superman said we needed to spread out so you know how when the hulk claps his hands together and it makes a huge shockwave and destroys everything?

Griffin: Yea.

Bedtime Bear: THAT’S WHAT HE DID! The Blast sent everybody flying. I was pretty dazed and by the time I got to my feet this giant f**kin worm had popped out of the ground and was tryin to eat me. Luckily Superman came up and set it on fire with his heat vision. Just when I thought I had seen it all the sun is suddenly eclipsed. When I turned around there was this giant green planet coming right for us, It was comin so fast that I didn’t think I could get away so I just stood there but superman saved me again. He must be a fan of the show or something. The impact of the green planet created a massive earthquake that opened up a crack in the planet. Superman set me down and raced over to fight the lanterns who were kickin the s**t out of the Guardian and Krona. That all changed once we found out who had thrown the planet at us. It was the one above all, He showed up with the anti-monitor and they started layin waste to those lantern motherf**kers. One of them got ripped in half, one was eaten, one vaporized and two squashed.

Griffin: Damn. Well give me more details who got what?

Bedtime Bear: Abin Sur got vaporized, Hal Jordan and Guy Gardner got squashed, John Stewart was eaten, and Kyle Rayner got ripped in half.

Griffin: Alright cool thanks.

Bedtime: Okay where was….. I oh yea so, Monstructor tackled the anti-monitor to the ground and began landing some brutal shots. The one Above all was gana help him but the bucky O’Hare crew flew in and started shooting him in the face. It looked like somebody trying to swat a fly and then it looked like somebody swatting a fly. He even looked at the smear in the palm of his hand and then whipped in off on his shirt or whatever he was wearing; I mean that might even have been his skin I dunno. Anyway once the one above all turned his attention back to Monstructor he had no chance. The duo tried out a new move they had been practicing in the gym they call it the Cosmic Death drop. The Anti-Monitor Charges Monstructor with antimatter then the one above all picks him up and begins the back drop Anti monitor Finishes the move by performing a neckbreaker as Monstructor is in midair. The impact vaporizes Monstructor.  I got hit from behind by Chris Seeney, I think he had rabies or something cause he was foaming at the mouth. Chris was just about to kill me when superman flew by and ripped his head off.

Griffin: Again he saved you?

Bedtime Bear: I know right, I gotta send that dude a fruit basket or something. Yea so after the like tenth near death experience in like twenty minutes I worked up enough courage to attack somebody. Destro and the Baroness were in a pretty heated battle with White suit Anakin skywalker, so I figured I could take them from behind. I was so wrong. Soon as I got close F**kin albino darth Vader cuts my ear with his back swing. But I kinda got an assist cause Destro tripped over me and that allowed good Vader to cut his head off, once he was dead he had no problem choking the baroness to death. Things kinda quieted down for a second, we regrouped and tried to figure out if we had anybody left to kill, that’s when they attacked. The iron Patriot, Siren, Xebel Soldiers #16-20, nekron, and cosmic spiderman charged us. The Iron Patriot, Siren, and the Xebel Soldiers focused everything they had on the Anti-Monitor, Nekron charged the one above all and the two hit eachother with everything they had and at the same time cosmic spiderman was conjuring up all the energy he could and then released it all at once. The combination of all these things happening at once caused a massive explosion that finished what the death of mogo had started and split the planet in-two. When the smoke cleared everybody was dead.

Griffin: Let me guess you survived because superman saved you.

Bedtime Bear:”Giggle”  Yea how did you guess?

Griffin: Well so then where is superman?

Bedtime Bear: Oh he has been searching for the last member of the grind house. It’s a life model decoy so we don’t actually know what it looks like. Superman told me to hide inside jar jar till he came back but when I heard your voice I knew it was safe to come out.

Griffin: Wrong. I am the life model decoy. Prepare to be skull F**ked.

Bedtime Bear covers his eyes and tries to pull away as the life model decoy grabs the back of his head. Just at the last second Bedtime Bear gets a blast of warm viscous liquid in the face when he opens his eyes he is pleasantly surprised to see that it is just hydraulic fluid from the inside of the robot that superman had just punched a hole in.

Bedtime Bear: Thank you so much superman I really appreciate you saving me all those times.  

Superman: No Problem. Hey so before the match Ryan keep sayin that he was starting his son’s namesake in this week’s match but I don’t see Warren G anywhere, did you see him.

Bedtime Bear: Nawww man.

Superman: That’s some bulls**t, I wanted to get his autograph.

TEAM Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

Season 6 Play-offs: Week 1: TEAM Vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

TEAM is: Red Son Superman, Mon-El, Justice Legion Alpha Superman, Streaky the Super-Cat, Solaris The Tyrant Sun, Sif, The Warriors Three(Fandral, Hogun, and Volstagg), Black Lantern Incredible Hulk, Galactiac, Zeus, Leviathan, Fizzatz Haderach(Kwisatz Haderach Chris Artrip) and Star Sapphire Julie, Fred Baker w/Orb of Light, Willow w/Holy Staff, Joe Levine.

Team Sleeping Pussy is: Black Lantern Mr. Fantastic, Binary, War Machine, Korvac, Adult Kid Marvelman, Weaponers of Qward #1-5, Shi'ar #1-6, The Starjammers(Corsair, Hepzibah, Raza Longknife, Ch'od(HA), and Cr+eee), Brood Queen, Droid Fighter Ship #13-14, Obi-Wan Kenobi's Ghost, Xenomorph #1, Skrulls #24-26, Zombie Mephisto.

Justice Legion Alpha Superman(JLA) has gathered his TEAMmates in the urban section of The Play-off Planet. Only the Leviathan is missing, as it is in the ocean area of the planet. JLA begins his motivational speech. "Today, we will..." JLA is interrupted by Solaris. "00110... You do not command Solaris...101011..." states the Tyrant Sun as it rockets to space. Galactiac agrees and accompanies Solaris. "You mean well, mortal, but Zeus is beyond your comprehension." Zeus says as he vanishes. "Does anybody else have somewhere better to be?" asks an irritated JLA. Fizzatz Haderach speaks up. "Um, sorry big man, but Julie and I don't get a lot of quality time nowadays, and we're kind of catching up during matches. Y'know, maybe some dinner and drinks alone. We'll be back before you know it." says Fizzatz as Julie's ring flies them away. "HULK SMASH!!!" yells BL Hulk as he leaps skyward. "Your leadership is a joke." says a smirking Red Son Superman as he flies elsewhere. Fred raises his hand. "As long as everybody's doing their own thing, I think I'm going to catch a quick nap. Later, gators." says Fred as he searches for a good place to crash. JLA is stunned as only Mon-El, Streaky, Sif, The Warriors Three, Willow, and Joe Levine remain. "You have our swords in the coming battle!" yells Sif while The Warriors Three hold their swords high. "At least some of you are open to direction." states a still tense JLA. "Ok, change of plans..." JLA says looking over his remaining TEAMmates. "You two halflings will be perfect for stealth, so..." JLA is cut off by Joe Levine. "C'MON!!!" yells Joe in disbelief. I'M NOT A HALFLING. Dude, You're a d*ck!" shouts a pissed off Joe as he storms off angrily. JLA has reached the limits of his patience. "Fine, Have it your way. You primitive cavemen can do whatever you want." declares the future's Superman as he speeds away.

Black Lantern Hulk lands in the desert section of the Play-off Planet and is met by Team SP's War Machine, Black Lantern Mr. Fantastic, and Shi'ar #1-6. War Machine and the Shi'ar hang back as BL Mr. Fantastic approaches BL Hulk. "Dr. Banner, I can help you be rid of the Hulk forever." says Richards. "HULK SMASH RUBBERBAND MAN!!!" roars BL Hulk as he squashes BL Mr. Fantastic with a fist. "Sh*t, knew that wouldn't work. Ok Shi'ar, let's show em what we got." orders War Machine as he flies around BL Hulk with guns a'blazin. Shi'ar #5 and #6 close in on BL Hulk, but both are grabbed and crushed by his giant fists. Shi'ar #3 tries an attack from behind, but the bird-like humanoid is turned into a feathered crimson mist by a backfist from BL Hulk. "HULK SMASH ROBOTMAN!!!" screams BL Hulk, starting to get annoyed by War Machine's bullets. He boots Shi'ar #4 into War Machine. The impact kills the Shi'ar, and sends Rhodey flying off course. "Dr. Banner..." begins BL Mr. Fantastic as his ring reforms him. "RUBBERBAND MAN SHUT UP!!!" shouts BL Hulk grabbing Mr. Fantastic. BL Hulk uses the reanimated Reed Richards's body as a whip against Shi'ar #1+2, beating them like they owe him money. The lashing cuts both Shi'ar in half. BL Hulk raises his fists to the air with a sub-human howl. "Dr. Banner..." BL Mr. Fantastic attempts to continue, but is stomped repeatedly by the foot of BL Hulk. BL Hulk is again hit by a hail of bullets, along with missiles and other explosives. BL Hulk turns in time to see War Machine speeding toward him desperately. The enormous explosion that follows vaporizes both Black Lantern rings. A lone figure walks toward the remnants of the battle, avoiding the scraps of War Machine armor that is still raining from the heavens. "Thank goodness for auto pilot." says Rhodey, who begins salvaging anything he can from his scrapped armor. "Where's Tony Stark when you need him? Probably in a f*ckin hot tub somewhere...." gripes James Rhodes.


Kid Marvelman is flying alone over the ocean searching for The Leviathan. "I don't need the help from those Team SP losers. After I kill TEAM, I'll finish them off too!" says a psychopathic Kid Marvelman to himself. The Leviathan emerges with a deafening roar that disorients Kid Marvelman, sending him soaring out of control in to the ocean. He gets his bearings in time to see the giant gaping maw of the Leviathan closing around him.He uses his strength to knock out some teeth to make an escape. Another roar sends him back into the ocean, and the monster tries to eat him again. Kid Marvelman is holding the jaws open, but they are closing, slowly but surely. A blast of laser vision rips through the top of the Leviathan's head, as Kid Marvelman uses the blast of energy to kill and escape from the sea monster. "A bloodied Kid Marvelman laughs as he flies off in search of more victims.

In space, team SP is planning on taking out Solaris and Galactiac. Korvac and Binary fly through space unaided, while the Starjammers are flying modified Droid Fighter ships #13-#14. The Weaponers of Qward upgraded the ships to seat pilots, as they are useless with out a Droid Control Ship to guide them. Corsair, Hepzibah, and Raza Longknife occupy #13, while the large Ch'od and the small Cr+eee cram into Ship #14. "Okay, team, Solaris is our primary target, we'll worry about Galactiac if we survive." directs Corsair. "Copy that, but how are we going to do that? This thing is huge!" questions Ch'od. "We're going to do a trench run." replies Corsair. "A Trench Run?" asks Raza. "Yeah, I saw it in a movie once." responds Christopher Summers. "Oh, No... Not again..." says Raza. "Be nice Raza! I love Earth movies, even if most female characters seem soft." says Hepzibah. "It'll work, trust me." reassures Corsair. "That's why you're the captain." adds Ch'od. "Korvac and Binary, you two absorb or redirect as much solar energy as you can, and we'll stick a couple of torpedoes up this things tailpipe. Got it?" asks Corsair. Binary gives the thumbs up and heads toward Solaris, but Korvac is fascinated by Galactiac and approaches it instead. "Korvac, what are you doing? Stick to the plan!!!" yells Corsair. "Forget it boss. He's gone." replies Raza. Corsair has no time to change the plan now because Solaris has noticed their presence. Binary absorbs it's initial solar flare attack, and the Droid Fighter Ships manuver easily around the heat. Binary leads the way, with the Starjammers following close behind. Solaris calculates their likely plan of attack, and fires off even more intense heat. Binary can't contain one of the blasts, and Droid Ship #14 is destroyed, also killing Ch'od and Cr+eee inside. Binary is struggling to maintain the massive amounts of energy. "Now... or... never..." she says through gritted teeth. "Fire!" orders Corsair. "No can do captain. These flares shorted out the targeting computer." advises Raza. "Typical Starjammers luck." says Corsair. The Ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi uses all the force power he can muster to send a non force adept Corsair a single message. "Christopher, use the force." says Obi-Wan, who disappears with no force power left to sustain him."Force? I must be losing it... F*ck it, here goes nothin..." says Corsair as he closes his eyes and fires the ships torpedoes. They hit their mark, and Solaris explodes in a Death Star like manner, destroying all except for Korvac and Galactiac. They study each other intently.

"Who knew that this place had so many great fine dining options?" asks Fizzatz Haderach while he walks out of a Play-off Planet restaurant. "That was fantastic! We'll have to come back for our anniversary!" adds an excited Julie. "Um... Yeah! For sure!" agrees Fizzatz, although his squinted eyes reveal that he is struggling to remember the date. This trait is common among most males, but that is no excuse for Star Sapphire Julie as she realizes that he forgot. A precision slap to the back of the head fails to jog Fizzatz's memory. An approaching Fred Baker and Joe Levine allows an opportunity to change the subject. "Hey guys, good to see you!" greets Fizzatz. He looks at the pair and raises an eyebrow. "Hey Fred, what happened to your orb of light?" asks Haderach. "Um.. Er..." stammers Fred. "Yeah, that's what I thought..." retorts Fizzatz. He unleashes a heel kick upon the skull of Fred, killing him instantly. He parries a punch by Joe, and responds with a neck snapping head twist. The pair drop and revert to their true forms, that of Skrulls #24+25. Fizzatz smiles at SS Julie, but one look and he knows that he's still not off the hook for the anniversary thing. A hiss from the alley allows for another distraction. Xenomorph #1 and The Brood Queen stand in the darkness ready to pounce. "Awwww! Look at you two! Up for a double date? asks Fizzatz. The aliens' bone chilling screams are their responses. "Fine, Have it your way. Light 'em up, babe." says Fizzatz. SS Julie
raises her ring to fire, but nothing happens. "They... are in love?!? I can't use this ring to break that bond." explains SS Julie. "It's cool hon, I got moves." Fizzatz says as he strikes a fighting pose. Xenomorph #1 charges, but is halted by a knee to the chops by Haderach. The Alien attempts to use its tail to spear Fizzatz, but he dodges the strikes. It closes in and uses its second mouth to try to bite Fizzatz in the face, but he is too quick and rips the mouth out of the Alien. Xenomorph #1 begins it's death spasms spraying it's acidic blood over Fizzatz, and they both drop, dying. "Chris!!! yells a distraught SS Julie, while the Brood Queen lets out a screech of it's own. The Brood Queen races at the Star Sapphire, who's emotion floods through the violet ring. The Brood Queen is turned into a crystal statue. The beauty lasts for a second as the crystallized Brood Queen is shattered by a punch from SS Julie. She kneels by a dying Fizzatz. He looks at her one last time. "June... 10th..." he says with a sly smile, closing
his eyes.

A chop shop in the urban area is the base of operations for Team SP's Weaponers of Qward #1-5. Rhodey is also there, waiting for the Qwardians to cobble together some replacement armor. Sif, The Warriors Three and Willow w/Holy staff bust through the door. Sif sticks a sword in Weaponer #3's back, while Volstagg takes #5's head with a sword strike. Weaponer #1, #2, and #4 are hurling Qwa-bolts, and fry Volstagg, while Rhodey scrambles to reach the partially complete War Machine armor. Fandral cuts down #4, but is killed quickly by another bolt from#2. Sif and Hogun use their blades to reflect the next wave of bolts back at Weaponers #1+2, killing the last of the Weaponers of Qward. Rhodey finally gets his armor on-line, and confronts the remaining Asgardians. "Impressive, but I think I've seen enough." says War Machine, raising his right arm to fire. "Right arm cannon off-line." advises the armor. "Um... Ok..." says Rhodes lifting his left arm. "left arm cannon off-line" says the CPU. Sif and Hogun chuckle, and close in on War Machine. "Oh sh*t... War Machine armor fire all available weapons!" shouts a worried Rhodey. A massive array of Qwa-bolts fire rapidly from the center of War Machine's chest plate, putting down Sif and Hogun for good. An ominous boom of thunder heralds the arrival of the mighty god Zeus. "Who dares sully the name of Zeus by usurping his symbol?!?" questions Zeus. Rhodey looks around the room and begins to point at the corpses. "It was them... Yup, definitely those guys.... but not me... I would NEVER do that! Er... All hail Zeus?" says Rhodey, lying through his teeth. An angry Zeus fires his own lightning at War Machine, showing James Rhodes what happens when you piss off a god. As Rhodey falls, a scent of brimstone fills the room. Zombie Mephisto gets the drop on Zeus, whom Mephisto had been waiting for all match. "Soooouuuullssss." drones Zombie Mephisto as he eats the ancient Greek god. Willow finaly emerges from hiding and strikes Zombie Mephisto with his Holy staff. Mephisto is even more vulnerable to the weapon in his zombie form, and vanishes in a flash of light. "Courage, Willow!" he cheerfully yells to himself.

Willow exits the chop shop and is immediately snatched up by a flying kid Marvelman, fresh from his battle with the Leviathan. Kid Marvelman takes a look at Willow and laughs. "Whatever you are, you are beneath a death by my hands. I think I'll let the ground take this one. Ta-ta!" says Kid Marvelman as he drops Willow, splattering the halfling on the concrete below.
Kid Marvelman stops in mid air as he is confronted by Justice Legion Alpha Superman, Red Son Superman, Mon-El, Streaky the Super-Cat, and a regrouping Star Sapphire Julie. Kid Marvelman rubs his eyes in disbelief. "You... you finally showed yourself... I was begining to think that you were afraid of me Marvelm... oops... almost got me...." says Kid Marvelman with a sick grin. TEAM is confused by the ramblings of the psychotic villain. SS Julie takes point and begins to coat Kid Marvelman with healing crystal. Streaky the cat joins in with some claws. Kid Marvelman is resisting the mental effects of SS Julie's violet corps crystal. "You must have felt love at least once..." she says struggling to contain Kid Marvelman. He breaks free of the crýstal enclosure and grabs Streaky. "But I do love something. I love killing!!!" laughs the insane superhuman as he launches Streaky into SS Julie, killing them both. "A sweet girl and a kitten combined. It doesn't get anymore cute than that." sneers Kid Marvelman, looking at the mangled practically fused corpses. A shocked Mon-El speeds towards him. "You monster! You'll never hurt anyone again!" shouts Mon-El grabbing the villain. He sends them careening though a nearby building, destroying it. JLA Superman looks to Red Son Superman, who floats with his arms crossed. "You coming?" asks JLA angrily. "Nyet, You American pig-dogs can handle it." sneers Red Son. "We're not even American, you idiot." states JLA as he begins to leave. "You act like Americans." retorts Red Son, who spits on the ground. JLA shakes his head in disbelief and leaves to help Mon-El. Kid Marvelman and Mon-El emerge from the rubble. Kid Marvelman hasn't been hit that hard in a long time, and feels true fear for the first time in years. "Please... mercy..." begs Kid Marvelman. Mon-El rises, but then quickly takes a knee. He holds his left arm, which now contains a piece of the destroyed building's rebar sticking through it. "No... not lead.." stammers Mon-El, referring to his vulnerability to the metal. A smiling Kid Marvelman rises confidently, and puts another piece of rebar through Mon-El's heart. "Too bad kid, you coulda been a great sidekick!" laughs Kid Marvelman, kicking the dead Mon-El in the side for good measure. JLA Superman flies in a split second too late to save Mon-El, and is enraged by his death.. JLA relentlessly batters Kid Marvelman with his fists, finally sending the villian to the ground with a powerful haymaker. "You killed Mon-El, one of the greatest heroes of the 31st century. You are barely a footnote in history. I'll make sure that you are even less than that." seethes JLA. He alternates fire between heat vision and force vision to keep Kid Marvelman in the ground. Kid Marvelman has never experienced a humiliating beating of this magnitude, and mentally cracks completely. "I'm sorry! I'll... I'll be good... I swear!" sobs the deranged villain. "Please... please don't kill me Marvelman!" he cries. As he says the word "Marvelman", he is changed back into the form of 13 year old Johnny Bates. JLA Superman is shocked by the transformation. Johnny looks around at the damage his alter ego has caused and continues crying. "I... I let him out again? Why? How could I do that? Again?!?" rambles Bates. JLA tries to calm the boy down. "It's not your fault son. You were being used by another." assures JLA. "But... it IS my fault... you... you need to kill me now! It's the only way! Quick, before it's too late!" begs Johnny. "There must be some kind of alternative to that..." reasons JLA. Johnny is on his knees and grabs JLA. "Please... just kill me..." he pleads will tears in his eyes. JLA Superman finally takes mercy on the twisted soul. "This won't hurt at all, son. I'm sorry..." says JLA. "Thank you..." are the last words spoken by Johnny Bates before his head is destroyed by heat vision. JLA flies back to meet with Red Son Superman, who greets him with a grin. JLA clenches his fists. "A great man died needlessly because of your inaction today." JLA says angrily. Red Son again spits toward the ground. JLA furiously grabs Red Son by the collar. "You're not fit to be addressed as Superman! You are a disgrace to all of our namesakes!" yells JLA while tearing Red Son's altered Kryptonian symbol from his chest. Red Son's eyes begin to glow red, but TEAM's in-fighting is halted by a massive explosion in space. "Solaris." the pair says in unison. Korvac and Galactiac arrive together seconds later. JLA looks curiously at Galactiac. "What is the meaning of this Galactiac?" asks JLA Superman. "Silence!" orders Korvac. "I have used my power and knowledge to convert Galactiac to my servant. We are both far beyond this petty battle, and will travel the universe cataloging all technology to aid the cosmos. Farewell." explains Korvac. The Supermen race to the pair, but are held in a stasis field by Korvac. "You are both merely echoes, and are not necessary for universal balance. You do not belong here." says Korvac as he erases them both from existance with a thought. "We are done. There is nothing left for us here. Let us be on our way." orders Korvac. "Yes... CLICK...M...CLICK... Master." obeys Galactiac. With his programming almost completely corrupted, Galactiac's last sentient act is to self distruct. The explosion of energy engulfs Korvac and the pair are destroyed.

Joe Levine walks down the street, still steamed over the "halfling" crack from earlier. He looks into the lobby of a hotel, and sees Fred Baker. He is up from his nap, and is shaking down the hotel staff for more free coffee. Joe decides to hang with his TEAMmate. "What's up Fred? Man, the rest of those guys are real jerks. How's about we raid the mini-bar in your room?" suggests Joe. "Yeah, sure thing buddy." says a still groggy Fred. They head to the room and Joe takes a seat. He cracks open a Bud Light and searches the television for some play-off hockey action. "That's what i'm talkin about!" says Joe as he kicks his feet up. "Hey man, you ready to do some shots?" asks Joe. "One shot, coming up!" says Fred as he bashes in Joe's skull from behind. The last thing Joe Levine sees is the mutilated corpse of the real Fred hidden under the bed.

Conference Finals

Points: 950
Prize: 70 Graveyard Points
Setting: The Play-off Planet

Match-ups:

George Washington's Slaves Vs. TBD (Josh)

Team Sleeping Pussy Vs. TBD (Seeney)

Griswold's Nut-busters Vs. Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers

Griswold's Nut-Busters are Dexter Morgan and Annoying Orange.

Prom Date is The Cookie Monster.

Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers are Ambush Bug.

Prom Date is Porky Pig.


Prom... The beginning of life for some, and the end of it for others. For many jocks and high school goddesses this could very well be the last time that they are ever on top. Oh sure, they don't know it yet; but the muscle bound football player that thinks he has the world wrapped around his finger has no idea how life is going to kick him right square in the balls in the years to come. Those double quarter pounders with cheese that he kills in 14 seconds flat amidst cheers from his buddies aren't going to turn into muscle forever, in fact they are going to start going directly to his gut. And the chicks won't be quite so easy to snatch up either once he is a fat, over-worked salesman just trying to make ends meat. Hell at that point masturbating around that loser gut of his will be harder to do than banging the prom queen will be at the end of tonight.

Speaking of prom queens, that gorgeous broad on the dance floor wearing the $1500 dress that her dad doesn't even know he paid for yet because her mom maxed out their credit card to do it. Soon enough she'll be a fat slob with two too many kids, married to a loser who doesn't appreciate her, because everyone stopped thinking she was great and started noticing that she was an absolute moron as soon as her boobs started to sag and that stomach of hers began to grow exponentially.

Oh, look!! There's some tatted-up douche with long hair and what appears to be the beginning of a beard, although he's probably been working on it for a month. He normally wouldn't be caught dead at something like this; but he knows that that cute chick with the low self-esteem is going to put out tonight for sure; and even if she doesn't, he's going over to the house of the one cool kid whose parent's are supplying enough beer and weed to keep Tommy Chong and Norm Peterson happy, because they think it is more important to have 17 year olds think they are cool than to actually raise their own flesh and blood properly.

And one more... There in the corner is some nerdy dude who for some reason felt the need to come tonight even though he couldn't get a date. All the people I mentioned previously are making fun of him because he's a "geek", but really they will all be lucky if he finds it in his heart to give them a job in a few years time. Because in what will seem like a blink if an eye to them, soon they will all be thirty and this nerdy dude will be a rich, sophisticated guy whose large breasted wife makes sure she stays skinny because she knows that there are a platoon of large breasted skinny chicks out there who would gladly jump in their spot, should they decide to let themselves go. He'll be driving the car that all the dudes have pictures of in their locker, dating the woman that the girls are modeling their hair after, and bossing around middle-agers who are all living vicariously through their kids who will inevitably become just as big of losers as they are. All within a few years of "the geek" getting his first degree and snatching up some tech job that doesn't even exist yet.

But I, The Neon Master Pogo... Digress. For there is a match to watch. And here it is...

Porky Pig and The Cookie Monster both eat too much. They have weight problems and are basically the opposite of attractive. They were both certain that they would not get asked to prom at all; but here they are at the big dance, being escorted by two of the coolest guys at school: Ambush Bug and Dexter Morgan. Dexter even brought along his homeboy Annoying Orange so he could drive Dexter's Dad's Buick while Dexter and The Cookie Monster suck face in the back seat. Talk about HOTT!! Dexter Morgan has no idea that someday he will be named Head Coach of Griswold's Nut-busters, today he is just focused on securing that hot piece of blue-furred a**!! Ambush Bug and Porky Pig are hiding behind the stage curtain doing lines of coke when Cookie Monster and Dexter stumble into their private space in an effort to find a spot to get busy. Ambush Bug gets hella-pissed at the interruption and teleports into the face of Cookie Monster jacking up his piece like Martin Lawrence from Bad Boys would. Porky Pig then sees Annoying Orange off in the corner and tries to pop what he thinks is the biggest baddest pill in all of suburbia. Porky chokes to death on Annoying Orange after Annoying Orange begins to act really annoying... And Orange. The goofy fruit does get swallowed by the dead pig and is still done in by his hydrochloric acid.

... ...

The last thing that Ambush Bug remembers is seeing his hot date Porky Pig dying at the hands of Annoying Orange. He remembers screaming and falling to his knees, but now he doesn't know where he is. He looks down at his hands and feet and realizes that they are bound to the table he is laying on. He seems to recognize his surroundings as the high school nurse's office when Dexter walks into view and looks down at the bug. "You have murdered a lot of good comic books and managed to kill the fourth wall as well. And now you killed the love of my young life: The Cookie Monster and kept me from getting some interspecies-Muppet-erotica on tonight. In other words, I don't even need a dark passenger to make this one happen".

The scalpel gets pulled out...

Ambush Bug cringes...

Stuff gets nasty...

And...

Layanderlett's Super Orange Kittiess and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind screamed like a woman in labor. The moon ducked behind the trees like a mentally challenged child playing peek-a-boo. The air smelled like teen spirit (the deodorant, not the song. One cannot smell a song). Tires squealed as the dilapidated blue van came to a halt in front of the high school. The lot was filled with young people dressed to kill, and a Katy Perry song wafted its way out of the gaudily decorated gymnasium. There was something mysterious going on here all right, and the Groovy Gang meant to get to the bottom of it.
“Why are all these males waltzing around here like they own the place?!” grumbled Val. “We should just kill them. Each and every one of them.”
“OK, if you think that’s what we should do….” Patty said in a flat voice. Resigned, she followed Val out of the vehicle and they waited for Sonny, Groovy, Ted, Jawa #5, Squirrel #15 and their date Purple Dragon #1.
They entered the school, splitting up to cover more ground and find more clues as to what the hell was going on with the place. Ted stopped short when he saw a “welcome” sign on the wall inside the building. He was then certain that God was telling him there was a mystery to solve here. Like Sonny had the munchies and he whispered to Groovy, “Groov, I don’t know about you, but I could go for some of those snacks on that table over there!”
Groovy nodded in his canine way and they tiptoed away from the rest of the gang slipping past the Jokester, who was manning the door but too busy cackling to notice their intrusion. At the food table, Harley Quinn the monkey popped up from behind the punch bowl and threw several of his turds, scaring Sonny so much he leapt into Groovy’s arms, trembling. “Kill the monkey,” Groovy whispered. “Kill him!”
Sonny pulled out his .44 caliber and shot the monkey square in the face, spattering blood and fecal matter on his date, Xenomorph #58. In anguish over the death of his love, Xenomorph picked up the oversized punch bowl and smashed it on the ground, then used the broken glass to cut into his wrist. His acidic blood sprayed forth, coating Groovy’s body and eating through his skin right down to his bones. Sonny grabbed as many finger sandwiches as he could and crammed them down Xenomorph’s throat, suffocating him. Jawa #5 and Squirrel #15 had come up behind Sonny, but he was still so shaken and hungry that without realizing what he was doing, he ripped off a table cloth and smothered them both. When he realized what he had done, he shrugged and grinned sheepishly, then went about stuffing his face. He ate and ate until he began to feel a searing pain in his abdomen. Even then, he kept eating and eating until he forced his stomach to burst.
The Jokester was still at the door, and had stopped the rest of the group short. Giggling like a fool, he inquired, “where are your prom tickets?” When no one responded, he reached out to Patty as if to shake her hand, but when she took hold of it a great electric shock shot through her and her lifeless body crumpled to the floor. “he he he he, that hand buzzer gets em every time!!” He then proceeded to bash Purple Dragon #1 over the head with a giant hammer, snickering the whole time.
The Jokester stopped once the dragon’s face was no longer identifiable, and Ted flashed him his most charming smile, his teeth gleaming eerily in the pulsating light of the strobe on the dance floor. He flirted with the Jokester for a moment, convincing him to go behind the bleachers, then strangled him just as they were starting to make out. He returned to what was left of the group-Val.
“ok gang. Let’s solve this mystery!”

Playoffs: Slaves vs Shit Kickers

A Brief History of the Playoff Planet

The Playoff Planet. With all of it wondrous and accommodating terrains, it’s essentially the affirmative action of planets. Its origin remains shrouded in mystery. That is, until now.

Is the playoff planet a singular planet, or does the FFL have infinitely many planets, set aside for playoff matches and an occasional regular season match? Where did/do they come from? Is it planet earth or clones or similar planets?  How does the league manage to maintain a stock of such planets? What is the playoff planet’s real name?

While the commissioners of this league (past and present) perpetuate this ambiguity in order to maintain a sense of allure, the truth of the matter is that the playoff planet is a single planet, and a dumpy one at that. Although it is not spoken of very often, because most combatants are too busy fighting for their lives to notice, the planet has a foul odor resembling moderate halitosis. At least it did at the beginning, now it has a tint of rotting flesh.  That is because the playoff planet is reused from match to match, with little to no maintenance by its owners.

It started shortly before the beginning of the FFL. Josh and Ryan were searching for a planet that could be host for epic battles among the universe’s finest warriors. Although it is difficult to find a planet that can allow for many different species, sometimes contradictory, especially with the league not having many funds to start with, they finally found a planet. Purchased at an intergalactic garage sale, the planet came cheaply as it is a dumping grounds for waste (Side note, the league is actually a front for this and other illegal activities, but that is another story). Josh and Ryan named this planet “duo homines concipies” (Latin for two men conceive), but everyone outside of the league refers to it as the Toilet of the Universe.

This brings us to the present, where Zombie Galactus has just developed an ulcer after consuming the entire playoff planet. Not that a zombie would really notice.

The Shit Kickers are: White Lantern Kyle Raynor with full spectrum ring, Zombie Parasite, Blackfire, Metallo, Nightwing (Lor Zod), Flamebird (Thara Ak-Var), Red Lantern Hal Jordan, Vampire Kilowog, Razor, Aya, Oblivion, Zombie Galactus, Superior Spiderman, Rogue, Sentinel Prime w/ Autobot Matrix of Leadership, The Fallen, Son of Mortis, Revan, Dark Helmet, and Real Man.

The Slave are: Skaar Son of Hulk (w/ red lantern ring, 9 deaths), BL Superman (9 deaths), Fernus, Casandra Nova (w/ Demon Rod), Mr. Miracle, Elongated Man, Catwoman, Runner, Doppleganger, Ymir (marvel), Sarumon, Prowlimus Prime w/ Autobot Matrix of Leadership), Movie Bumblebee, Roadbust, BL Harry Potter, Crash Bandicoot (9 deaths), Capt Crunch (w/ trident), Darth Shamalay, Jaws 2, Hydra, Stewie Griffin w/ GL ring, Bart Simpson w/ Sith Lavarouk, Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpsons, Maggie Simpson, Beavis w/ Halbeard, Butthead w/ Sith Lavarouk, Buttchunk, and Sandworm #20.

With the playoff planet now destroyed, the league is now without a host for it imminent playoff match. The commissioner and former commissioner scramble to find a new planet. They find one just in time for the start of this match; a planet by the name of “apicem ad apicem” (tip to tip).

The teams arrive on the playoff planet. As the match begins, Darth Shamalay, wearing her taupe crinkle silk under tunic and brown belt, stares off into the sun. “I commend the commissioner’s decision to pick a playoff planet with two suns.” While the force may be strong with this one (I’m not sure yet), it is not strong enough to un-cross her eyes. The rest of the Slaves are aware of her condition but no one has the heart to tell her. As the Shit Kickers quickly approach the Slaves, she warns her comrades, “Their numbers double ours! Ready for battle!”.

It begins to rain on the Playoff Planet. Darth Shamalay pulls out her umbrella. Nightwing and Flamebird zip at her lightning fast but elongated man intercepts them. He grabs on each of them slowing them down, but they adjust and go opposite ways, eventually ripping him in two.

Vampire Kilowag eyes a tasty catwoman. Catwoman backflips while trying to evade him but he catches her, sucking out all of her blood. He is not the only Shit Kicker out for flesh consumption, as Zombie Galactus snaps BL Harry Potters broomstick in half and then eats him. He then turns to Runner, sensing some familiarity before ingesting him whole. Runner oddly put up no resistance.

The weather continues to worsen as do the Slaves numbers.  Mr. Miracle squares off against Zombie Parasite, who absorbs his powers and then eats him. The Slaves get their first kill as Cap’n Crunch impales Dark Helmet with his trident. Zombie Galactus then chews up Cap’n Crunch, who was not soggy despite the rain. Zombie Galactus makes his way to the desert area of the planet. Sandworm #20 jumps out of the sand and into Zombie Galactus’s mouth.

Crash Bandicoot knows that a graveyard bound FFLer can often rise up above their given talent level. He aims high: White Lantern Kyle Rayner. With the Simpsons and Stewie Griffin tagging along as backup, he rushes the lantern. His plan fails as WL Kyle Rayner easy kills the weak bandicoot and humans. The white lantern continues committing honkeycide by offing Beavis, Butthead and Buttchunk with energy blasts.

The Slaves realize they are quickly falling behind. Movie Bumblebee and Roadbuster move towards Sentinel Prime, knowing that he has the matrix and needs to be stopped. They are intercepted by The Fallen, who stomps on movie bumblebee and then tears him apart. Roadbuster opens fire on the fallen, unloading his missiles and machine guns on him. He then transforms into his robot mode, drives his fist into the fallen and crushes his spark.

BL Superman takes on Nightwing and Flamebird. Despite being outnumbered, he handles the two quite easily but is unable to finish them off.  He knocks Nightwing to the ground and Doppleganger rushes in and rips apart his body. BL Superman uses his superior strength to suffocate Flamebird. Son of Mortis and Revan ignite their lightsabers and dismantle Doppleganger. BL superman shows Son of Mortis that he isn’t the only one who can handle a bear lightsaber blade as he catchs it midswing and drives the handle through Son of Mortis’ eye socket. He then drives the lightsaber through the chest of Revan.

Metallo taps BL Superman on the shoulder. BL Superman turns around slowly and begins feeling weak. Zombie Parasite grabs him and begins to absorb his powers. BL Superman musters up enough strength to knock the two off of him.  WL Kyle Rayner creates a white energy construct of Lois Lane, who literally gives him the kiss of death.

Blackfire and Rogue fly to the water to search for the mythical hydra. On the way they encounter Jaws 2.  Rogue touches fish, killing it and absorbing it powers (its teeth, which explains why she is played by Anna Paquin). The Hydra jumps out of the water surprising Blackfire and Rogue. After managing to cut off two heads they are both eaten by the beast. Not to be outdone, Zombie Galactus arrives before they wounded Hydra can regrow its head and eats the creature.

Aya, Razor, and RL Hal Jordan ambush Roadbuster. Roadbuster fires off his guns and missiles but misses, as he is shot repeatedly by energy blasts from the three lanterns.  Sarumon tries to come to his aid but he is too late as the autobot falls to his death. Sarumon’s spell are of no use as he befalls the same fate as his teammate.

Metallo and Zombie Parasite fly by the towering frost giant Ymir. Zombie Parasite uses his recently acquired powers from BL Superman to melt Ymir with his heat vision. As Ymir gets blasted in the face he blindly swings his giant icicle, which makes contact with and destroys Metallo. Zombie Parasite the flies through the hole he just burned in Ymir’s face and comes out the other side of his head. The Frost Giant’s now lifeless body topples over, falling on Casaandra Nova and Superior Spiderman, crushing them.

Zombie Parasite is growing confident in his ability to take down the Slave’s powerhouses. He goes after Skaar and Fernus looking for even more super powers. Fernus shape shifts into kryptonite, Skaar grabs Fernus and stabs him into the heart of Zombie Parasite. Having absorbed BL Superman’s weaknesses as well as strengths, Zombie Parasite dies. Fernus shifts back into his original form, weakened from his contact with Zombie Parasite. Vampire Kilowag swoops in drains the remaining life force from Fernus.

REAL MAN is busy running for his life when he spots Darth Shamalay from across the battlefield. He heads towards her as he thinks back to before the season began.

~

REAL MAN walks into Better Than All Of You’s new owner’s office.

“Welcome Eric, I understand you wanted to see me?” Bryan greets REAL MAN.

“YES, I DO!” says REAL MAN.

Bryan looks down at REAL MAN. “What’s with that? You are full mast.”

“THAT’S WHAT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT! IF I AM GOING TO BE IN THIS CRAP LEAGUE, KNOW THAT I WILL BE ON THE BEST TEAM! AND THAT TEAM NEEDS TO HAVE THE BEST NAME!  I HAVE JUST SEEN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD! YOU MUST CHANGE THIS TEAM’S NAME TO HONOR HER OR I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE!”

REAL MAN hands Bryan Beckerman a photo: 

“Yeah, she sure is special.” Says Bryan

~

REAL MAN gets to Darth Shamalay and finally turns off his caps lock.

“Anne” says Real Man “You are the most precious thing I have ever laid eyes on.  It is because of you that I have realized who I really am. I am an angry, hateful, loud troll. But when I see you, all is right, and I am at peace. I am the darkness and you are my light.”

“What a sweet little man” says Darth Shamalay, as she runs off with Real Man.

Sentinel Prime sees the newest prime, Prowlimus, just as Prowlimus blasts Vampire Kilowog from behind.  “He is powerful, no doubt, but he is inexperienced. His matrix will be mine.” He says to himself as he approaches Prowlimus.

“Prowlimus, hand over the matrix, and I may let you live.” Say Sentinel Primes head as he swings at the Autobot. Prowlimus blocks his punch and counters with a kick to Sentinel Prime’s Head. Sentinel Prime grabs the leg of Prowlimus and rips it off. Prowlimus falls to his back, scooting backwards as he desperately pulls out the matrix.

“It will not be working for you today!” Yells Sentinel Prime as stomps Prowlimus to death, picking up the matrix from his dead hands. He then proceeds to pull out his own matrix, holding out both in admiration.

This is short lived as Skaar comes crashing down on him driving him, both matrices, and the remains of prowlimus into the ground.

WL Kyle Rayner shoots a blast of energy at Skaar slicing it open and rendering it near useless. “Your team is finished and you will see enter the graveyard.” He says as he continues his attack on Skaar.

Skaar looks around to see his is surrounded by lanterns. As a last ditch effort he musters up his oldstrong powers and attempts to draw whatever power he can from this dingy planet. He is losing power and becoming badly wounded from WL Kyle Rayner’s continued attack, when just below him both matrices light up as he absorbs their powers. His mangle body quickly heals as he bolts towards WL Kyle Rayner. WL Kyle Rayner is continuously blasting Skaar with energy from his full spectrum ring but it just deflects off of him. Skaar rips of WL Kyle Rayner’s arm which doesn’t stop shooting. He aims it at Red Lantern Hal Jordan, disintegrating him, then does the same to Aya, Razor, and Oblivion. Finally he turns it towards WL Kyle Rayner killing him with his own ring.

Zombie Galactus is about to eat Skaar when he feels a great pain in his stomach. He looks down and grabs his stomach as a hole burns through it.  At first it looks as if his intestines are hanging out but it is actually a partially digested sandworm. Runner used the last of his life force to burn a hole in Galactus’s already ulcerated stomach. While Galactus looks down in shock Skaar rips his head off. Skaar looks over to see the only remaining members of the match, REAL MAN and Darth Shamalay, having a cigarette.

With Skaar fast approaching, Darth Shamalay realizes the end is near. “You are a sweet man, Real Man, I hope our paths cross again.” Which is the last thing REAL MAN hears before his head rolls on the ground.

Back in the Slave’s Locker room:

Darth Shamalay walks out of the ladies restroom smiling and holding a small stick with urine dripping from the end of it. “Four lines!”

Complete Records for Every Single Team