The Untouchables vs. Alice's Wonder Team

I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 5 Match: The Untouchables vs. Alice’s Wonder Team.

Due to March Madness I fail to have the time to properly listen in the locker rooms, which are located on satellites floating in the Milky Way. I simply observe that:

The Untouchables are Onslaught, Maleficent, Sinestro (with his original green lantern ring), Megatron, Tomar Tu, Scourge, Sweep #1, Sweep #2, The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5 and Karate Kid, (movie) Brawl, Huffer, Hoist, Inferno, Elita One, Dr. Polaris, The Fantastic 4: Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch and The Thing, Slippy Toad in an Arwing, Widget the World Watcher, Space Troopers #1-20, Pounce and Wingspan, The Constructicons: Scrapper, Scavenger, Long Haul, Mixmaster, Hook, and Bonecrusher, The Pretender Monsters: Birdbrain, Bristleback, Icepick, Slog, Scowl, and Wildfly, The Protectobots: Hot Spot, Blades, First Aid, Groove, and Streetwise, The Insecticons: Bombshell, Kickback, and Shrapnel, (movie) Bumblebee and Ratchet.

Alice's Wonder Team is Primus, Extinction Alice, Apocalypse Alice, Alice Abernathy, Alice Clones #1-3, General Zod, Non, Surtur, Joruus C'Baoth, Jorus C'baoth, Artemis, Hyperion, War Machine, Mandarin, Sith Lord #1 & 2 (Darth Deez & Darth Nutz), Conan the Barbarian, The Predi-Alien, (Silver Age) Blue Beetle, SSJ4 Gogeta, Leeloo, Treasure Troll #3, Brawn, (movie) Ratchet, Leech, Borg #1-10, Snapdragon and Crunk, Fat Bastard and Vampire #1.

I transport the teams to a space station:


INSIDE THE STATION:

The Alices make a formidable offensive line. Extinction Alice, Apocalypse Alice, Alice Abernathy and the Alice Clones #1-3 take the lead for their team. They are met by the Pretender Monsters: Birdbrain, Bristleback, Icepick, Slog, Scowl and Wildfly. Before they have an opportunity to combine into Monstructor, the Alices are upon the robots. Extinction Alice takes out Icepick. Apocalypse Alice destroys Scowl. Alice Abernathy kills Birdbrain. Bristleback crushes Alice Clone #1, but suffers enough damage for Extinction Alice to destroy it. Slog kills Alice Clone #2, but soon succumbs to Apocalypse Alice. Finally, Wildfly rips apart Alice Clone #3, but is destroyed by Alice Abernathy. Thus, all Alice Clones #1-3 and Pretender Monsters are gone.

OUTSIDE THE STATION:

Joruus C’baoth and Jorus C’baoth come together, clone and original Jedi, to fight the Insecticons – in insect mode (since it is easier to move in the weightless space, attaching their limbs to the walls and floors). Although weightless, the confident Jedi ignite their lightsabers. Through various flips, the Jedi manage to take out the rhinoceros beetle, Bombshell. The beetle Shrapnel releases its electricity burst which courses through Jorus C’baoth. The original C’baoth is fried to a crisp. Joruus pushes himself toward Shrapnel and slices the weaponry off the Insecticon; he then finishes the job. As Joruus approaches Kickback, the grasshopper robot uses its legs to kick Joruus out of one of the station’s hatches. Both C’baoths are dead.

INSIDE THE STATION:

In one of the larger rooms, Maleficent and Widget the World Watcher are in a fight with Fat Bastard and Conan the Barbarian. Fat Bastard farts in Widget’s general direction. The gas makes Widget a little woozy. While Widget holds his nose, the Scottish tub of goo grabs the little alien and sits on him, crushing the World Watcher. Seeing her little friend die, Maleficent uses her sorcery to blow Fat Bastard to pieces. The Austin Powers villain is splattered across the room’s walls. Conan then rushes at the witch. He stops in his place as Maleficent changes into a large black dragon. Being fully aware of how to defeat a beast such as this, the Cimmerian manages to dodge the flames and kill Maleficent.

OUTSIDE THE STATION:

The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5 and Karate Kid, take on Non together. Brainiac 5 comes up with a plan that should finish the Kryptonian brute. Saturn Girl coordinates her teammates’ attacks with a telepathic meld. Cosmic Boy uses his magnetism powers to piece together portions of the station’s structure into a cage-like device trapping Non. The remaining Legion attacks at the same time. Lightning Lad uses his electrical abilities; Bouncing Boy bounces back and forth between Non and the station’s exterior; Chameleon Boy transforms into a huge beast; Triplicate Girl strikes him with her three selves; Timber Wolf uses his superhuman abilities and claws to slash; Phantom Girl stealthily attack; and Karate Kid uses his martial arts mastery against the Kryptonian. The combined efforts of the entire Legion defeat and kill Non.

Sinestro, Tomar Tu and Dr. Polaris, along with Space Troopers #1-20 are flying about the station, looking for prey. They meet War Machine, Hyperion and the Borg #1-10. Sinestro and Dr. Polaris combine powers to smash War Machine with their version of the ‘Happy Days’ “Malachi Crunch.” Damaged, War Machine falls to the top of the station. The Space Troopers flank War Machine (in both space and on the station’s hull) and take advantage of this situation. They all fire their weapons at the same time. War Machine is killed. The Space Troopers who are on the hull are then swarmed upon by Borg #1-10. Space Troopers #2-14 are killed. Hyperion, with his freezing breath takes out the remaining Space Trooper’s gear, which shatters apart, leaving the Troopers to suffocate. Thus, all Space Troopers #1-20 are dead. At the same time, Sinestro, Tomar Tu and Dr. Polaris manage to take out all of the Borg #1-10.

OUTSIDE/INSIDE THE STATION:

Slippy Toad in an Arwing sees the Sith Lords, who have just defeated the Protectobots. The Arwing’s weapons strafe at the Sith Lords’ location. The Darths manage to avoid the fire and enter into a shuttle’s hatch, to safety. Slippy Toad flies on and sees War Machine. War Machine uses his arsenal of weapons and takes out the Arwing. Slippy Toad ejects and finds his own hatch to the space station’s interior. As he walks down the corridor he is met by Predi-Alien. The monster’s jaw strikes Toad in the face and acid burns his entire body. Slippy Toad dies.

OUTSIDE THE STATION:

A gaggle of Transformers meet one another in a pitched battle. For the Untouchables: Megatron, Scourge, Sweep #1, Sweep #2, (movie) Brawl, Huffer, Hoist, Inferno, Elita One, and The Constructicons: Scrapper, Scavenger, Long Haul, Mixmaster, Hook, and Bonecrusher, (movie) Bumblebee and Ratchet. For the Wonder Team: Primus, Brawn, (movie) Ratchet, Snapdragon and Crunk. After a pitched battle, the only remaining Transformers are Megatron and the Constructicons (now in Devastator form) for the Untouchables and Primus for the Wonder Team. [For those interested in the entire battle, the following is a recitation of who destroyed who: 1) Brawn destroyed Scourge and Sweep #1; 2) Brawl, Hoist and Inferno destroyed Crunk; 3) Snapdragon destroyed Sweep #2; 4) Brawl (movie) and Elita One destroyed Snapdragon; 5) Huffer, Hoist and Inferno destroyed Brawn; 6) Brawl (movie), Bumblebee (movie) and Ratchet destroyed Ratchet (movie); 7) Primus destroyed Brawl (movie), Huffer, Hoist, Inferno, Elita One, Bumblebee (movie) and Ratchet]. Thus, as stated before, the only remaining Transformers are Megatron and the Constructicons (now in Devastator form) for the Untouchables and Primus for the Wonder Team. Primus takes a major beating from Megatron and Devastator, but still remains the superior of the Transformers. Primus manages to destroy Devastator (Constructicons). Megatron is taken by Primus in its arms when Primus suddenly shakes. Pieces of Primus are being ripped off the Transformer and Megatron takes advantage of this fact. Primus’ last sight in the match is Onslaught, arms up and smiling. Believe it, or not – Primus is destroyed.

INSIDE THE STATION:

The Predi-Alien and Sith Lords come upon each other and walk the corridors together. They are met by Conan the Barbarian, Treasure Troll #3 and Vampire #1. The six combatants storm the halls together, looking for their enemies. They meet The Fantastic 4: Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch and The Thing, along with Pounce (in robotic puma form) and Wingspan (in robotic hawk form). The two teams clash. Pounce quickly dispatches Treasure Troll #3, mauling the little guy to death. Conan the Barbarian is “clobbered” to death by the Thing. Mr. Fantastic wraps himself around the Predi-Alien. The Predi-Alien is used to close combat much to the chagrin of Fantastic. The Predi-Alien’s acid breath and ferocity tear through Mr. Fantastic’s body. The Human Torch then scorches the beast with his shooting fire. The Predi-Alien literally goes up in flames and dies. Vampire #1 focuses on the Invisible Woman and uses his powers to hypnotize the female Four member. As he draws her closer, Wingspan’s beak rips through his chest. Vampire #1 bursts into dust and the Invisible Woman finds her senses again. She then turns invisible. It is now the Sith Lords against The Thing, Human Torch, Invisible Woman, Wingspan and Pounce. Although Darth Deez manages to destroy Pounce and Darth Nutz manages to kill the Invisible Woman (using the Force to see her), they are eventually killed by the sheer odds and numbers against them. Darth Deez and Darth Nutz die.

Most of the teams remaining members come together. Sinestro (with his original green lantern ring), Tomar Tu, The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5, & Karate Kid, Dr. Polaris, Human Torch, The Thing, Wingspan, and Kickback fight against Surtur, Artemis, Hyperion, Mandarin, (Silver Age) Blue Beetle, SSJ4 Gogeta, Leeloo and Leech. The Thing fights SSJ4 Gogeta. Although Gogeta has many spectacular martial art moves, he is no match for the brute force of the Thing. Gogeta is killed. Blue Beetle’s high tech equipment manages to destroy the circuitry of Kickback. Wingspan kills Beetle in retaliation for his brethren’s death. The Transformer then shreds Leech with its talons. Artemis, being a hunter, uses her god ability to destroy Wingspan. The Legion of Super Heroes combine their forces and kill Artemis.

Mandarin sees the Human Torch flying in the air. Mandarin uses his ice blast ring to freeze Torch. He then uses his disintegration beam to kill the flaming hero. Mandarin uses his vortex beam ring to fly and is met by Tomar Tu and Sinestro. The skills of the Lanterns dispatch the Mandarin.

THE END SCENE:

Brainiac 5: As I calculated. . . .

Wonder Team’s Extinction Alice, Apocalypse Alice, Alice Abernathy, Zod, Surtur, Leelo and Hyperion take on Untouchables’ Onslaught, Sinestro (with his original green lantern ring), Megatron, Tomar Tu, Dr. Polaris, The Legion of Super Heroes: Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timber Wolf, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5, Karate Kid and The Thing.

Megatron takes on Surtur. Megatron is badly damaged by the demon’s flaming sword. As Surtur goes in for the death blow, he is disarmed by Tomar Tu and Sinestro. This gives Megatron enough time to destroy the beast with his full firepower. While his strength is ebbing, Hyperion strikes at Megatron and rips through his shell where Surtur previously damaged. Megatron is destroyed.

Dr. Polaris readily defeats and kills Leelo. Polaris then joins Tomar Tu and Sinestro in their fight against Zod. Although Zod takes the brunt of the battle, the Kryptonian is too strong and soon destroys all three. Dr. Polaris, Tomar Tu and Sinestro are dead. He then focuses on his nemeses that have killed his friend Non. Zod manages to kill Saturn Girl, and Triplicate Girl, although now tiring at the effort he has had to put forth for this match.

Onslaught sees the remains of the Megatron, as well as the Transformers which now litter the ground. Onslaught uses his abilities to re-assemble the Transformers into deadly projectiles. Cosmic Boy, joins with Onslaught, and enhances the projectiles magnetic make-up. Lightning Lad then charges the weapons. With a wave of one hand (and the assistance of Cosmic Boy), he lets the multi-charged and magnetic projectiles fly. Although both Hyperion’s and Zod’s super strength would normally defend against such debris, the shrapnel, rips through both Hyperion and Zod. Their bodies fall to the ground.

The Alices stand their ground, knowing they are outmatched, but ready to die for their teammates and to honor the name of their team itself. Apocalypse Alice manages to kill Timber Wolf. Extinction Alice manages to destroy Bouncing Boy. Alice Abernathy manages to kill Karate Kid. All three Alices are tired, but still standing. Onslaught knows he can kill the three with one fell swoop, but decides to let his teammates finish them off. The Thing strikes Alice Abernathy and crushes her skull. Phantom Girl comes upon behind Extinction Alice and begins to choke her. Chameleon Boy, in a monster form (looking from Resident Evil) kills her. Apocalypse Alice remains standing.

Onslaught: Changed my mind. I want to end this myself. [

Onslaught unleashes his full psychic ability at Apocalypse Alice. Her brain becomes mush and she dies.

The Untouchables: Onslaught, Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad, Phantom Girl, Chameleon Boy, Brainiac 5, and The Thing live.

Alice’s Wonder Team: All Dead.

THE UNTOUCHABLES ARE VICTORIOUS!!!!!