Season 5, Week 3 Consolation Match: Horsemen of Apokolips vs. Logical Genocide

“Meeska!  Mooska!  Mickey Mouse!”

                                                     -Mickey Mouse

 I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 3 Consolation Match located at the Home Depot located in Southfield Michigan.  They are as follows:

Horsemen of Apokolips: Spike Witwicky.

Logical Genocide: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Crew: Mickey Mouse with Legion flight ring, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck with red lantern ring, Daisy Duck, Goofy and Pluto, with special guest appearance by Centerion #1 ("Hot Fudge" Harry McTwivent).

Let the battle begin. . .

Power Tools Aisle. . .

The Clubhouse Crew stands side by side as Spike Witwicky struts into the aisle.  Witwicky holds a nail gun in each hand.

Spike Witwicky:  What are a bunch of cartoons against a rugged construction worker/oil driller like me? 

Mickey:  Well, Mr. Witwicky, you know what we say here at the Clubhouse. . . Go f@ck yourself!

Witwicky is startled at the language spewed from the red, shorted rodent.  He retaliates in action, not in words, as a stream of nails fly from his two guns.  A swarm of feathers bursts from Daisy Duck as she is ripped apart by the barrage of projectiles.   

Donald:  You son of a b#tch!  I’m going to gut you like a fish, you bastard!!!

Witwicky fires his guns again and the five remaining LG members manage to escape down the next aisle, unscathed.

Goofy:  Gawrsh Mickey, looks like this guy is a tough Sumbitch!

Mickey:  That’s true.  We’re going to need some help. . . Oh Toodles!!!!

Toodles flies to the scene.  On its’ face is a Legion flight ring and a red lantern ring.

Mickey:  Toodles. What do you think we’ll need for the rest of the match since Mr. Witwicky is not being so nice.

Toodles flashes fantastic lights and the rings magically appear on their respective owners.  Mickey looks down at his Legion flight ring while Donald looks at his red lantern ring. Toodles flies away and the Crew simultaneously smiles at one another as maniacal laughs echo throughout the store.

Lumber Aisle. . .

Witwicky has moved from tools to wood.  He slowly moves down the aisle, but fails to notice Centerion #1 above.  Centerion has a two by four in his arms and throws it down at Witwicky.  Just in time, Witwicky dodges the piece. 

Hot Fudge:  I will bring you down Witwicky!  I alone shall stand triumphant today!!!

Hot Fudge fails to notice that the boards beneath him are beginning to falter.  He slips.

Hot Fudge: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hot Fudge lands two feet down, on the next board.  Witwicky fires his nail guns and Hot Fudge falters again.

Hot Fudge: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hot Fudge lands another two feet down, on the next board.

Witwicky:  You gotta be kidding me!

Hot Fudge decides that his position is too precarious and decides to jump on Witwicky.  Hot Fudge bellows a melodramatic war cry as he leaps at the rigger.  Witwicky instinctively reacts and pulls a wooden stake from the “cut wood” box located next to him.  The construction worker holds it up and impales McTwivent.  HFM slides down the pole, unsexily, his body leaving streaks of blood.   Witwicky smiles and rushes off. 

Plumbing Aisle. . .

Minnie:  Get down from there Goofy!

Goofy:  Gawrsh.  When a Goofy’s gotta go, he’s gotta go!

Goofy steps down from the toilet display, leaving a gift unflushed (since it is not hooked up to any true plumbing) in the bowl. 

Minnie (whispers underneath her breath):  He’s so frickin’ goofy!

Goofy saunters down the aisle and a loud crunch is heard.  The crew looks to where Goofy once stood.  His skull is crushed in by a pipe held by Witwicky.  Goofy’s tongue wags from his mouth and a puddle of urine is released from his dead body.  Witwicky runs away before Donald’s red projectile crashes into the piping around him. 

Mickey:  Hehehe.  Time to die Witwicky.  Time to die.

Pluto uses his innate canine tracking skills to follow Witwicky’s scent. 

Hardware Aisle. . .

Pluto’s nose inches around the aisle when the dog screams.  The canine looks down to see his nose sliced off.  Witwicky has a band saw blade in his hand.  The other blade lies on the floor next to Pluto’s snout.  Minnie crouches by the dog and Witwicky takes advantage of the distraction.  The driller throws the blade like a discus and Minnie’s head is cleaved in half.

Mickey: NOOOOOOO!!!!!! 

Mickey takes to the air with his Legion flight ring and follows Witwicky.  Donald soon joins him and the duo eventually box Witwicky in.  Mickey flies at Witwicky and knocks him down.  Donald batters the man with his red lantern ring.

Mickey:  You’re going to die now motherf@cker!  But not before Donald and I have some fun with you!!!

Donald:  Damn straight!!!

Mickey grabs Witwicky’s shirt and flies him up to a couple of hooks.  Donald then uses his ring to hold him in place as Mickey picks up a hammer and stakes, which happen to be lying on the ground nearby.  Mickey stakes Witwicky’s hands in place. Witwicky screams.

Mickey:  Friend, you may do the honors.

Donald flies away and returns with a bloodied band saw blade. He then holds it in place with his ring and slices into Witwicky’s neck, decapitating the man.  Donald then scoops out some of the brain and detritus inside.  Mickey unravels a rope and lassos it around Witwicky’s head.  Pluto scampers on by and takes a pee on his face and poop in his skull.  Mickey hangs Witwicky’s head from a string, lodged in the construction worker’s rectum. 

Mickey:  Guys, this isn’t just Home Depot!  Oh Toodles!

Toodles joins the remaining Clubhouse characters.  The theme song plays from Toodles as the three dances together. 

It’s the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Come inside.  It’s fun inside!
M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E.

Mickey Mouse:  And now all you a$$holes see what happens to you if you f#ck with us!!!  Look forward to seeing you all real soon!