Season 8: Final Consolation Match - All the Loser-Type Teams

“’Cause baby now we got bad blood!”

 -Taylor Swift  [Bad Blood]

 
Hello all.  This here is Papaw.  I was approached in April of this year by three gentlemen who call themselves “The Triumvirate.”  They asked me if I would “watch” a match for this thing you call the Fantasy Fantasy League.  Sounded silly to me, but I figured, what the heck?  Why not?  I got nothin’ better to do than waste a few hours of my life telling a story to a bunch of losers who think this dangnabbit stuff is real. . .  Since I’m callin’ myself Papawatu, I figured that I could do what I wanted with this here match.  So, I brought along with me Mamaw, my grandson Bama and his close friend, newly arrived from England, in fact, Rob C.  I guess all the loser-type teams are playin’ this round since them Horsemen peoples all kicked your behinds although it all seems a little fuzzy as to what really happened in that Bowl thingie.  Anyway, the teams, I’m told, are as follows:  

Griswold's Nutbusters:  Dexter Jettster, Doozer #15, Uncle Buck and ICP:  Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J in a Y-1300 Light Freighter;

Brock Samspon’s Fighting Murderflies:  Jedi Fire (Immell #10), ALF with a halberd, Dorf, Rowlf the Dog, Oscar the Grouch, Brony Becks and Ewok #22 in The Punisher Van;

The Grindhouse: Michael Knight, Tom Brady with a blue lantern ring and Jar Jar Binks in KITT;

The Midgets:  Ron Popeil, Ratts Tyrelle, Lolo, Norm Peterson and Cliff Clavin with a flamethrower in The T-Ship;

Barkley's:  Space Ghost in an A-Wing;

The Empire:  Jim Leyland and Watchdogs #2-6 in an Ornithopter;

Commandos:  James McLeod, Sir Winston Churchill, Chevell and Clone Trooper #100 in a Submarine;

Super Kitties:  Manic the Hedgehog, Sonja the Hedgehog and Doyle Blackwell with a blue lightsaber in The Shark Ship;

B-3:  Jedi Guardian #2 and Phazeron in a Snow Speeder;

Slaves:  Kyle Katarn in an ArWing;

Sith Aids:  Daniel Bryan, Blitzkrieg Bat, Ronald McDonald with throwing knives and Pig Boy in The Ghost;

Team Sleeping Pussy: James Bond with an astro harness and Winnie the Pooh in Archimedes;

Real Man’s Rabble Rousers:  Ice Man and Slider with Linny, Tuck, Ming Ming, and Ollie, and Special guest Bill Cosby in an Imperial Shuttle;

The Royal Highness: Sailor Moon, D.C. Spiderman, Marvin the Martian and Linus Van Pelt in The T-Car.

So, now that you have all the team information.  I’m gonna be startin’ the match and my family and friends will follow up?  That sound good, all?  I see all them noddin’ their heads so here goes.

Let the wacky race battle begin. .  .

Papaw’s Call…

So the Slaves’ Kyle Katarn rides in that ArWing ship.  The ArWing shoots across the sky like me done gone spottin’ a ‘coon.  Katarn sets his sights on the ornithapther. . .  ornethropson. . . o.r.n.i.t.h.o.p.t.e.r. ship thing driven by that ex-Tigers coach who smokes a lot and has that gruff voice, Jim Leyland.  Leyland is sandwiched between Watchdogs #2-6.  Katarn uses his vehicle’s smart bomb launcher, which squarely hits that cruddy piece and blows Watchdogs #2 and #5 overboard.  I hear Leyland shout some vileness at Katarn.

Leyland:  Damn you, Katarn!  Damn you to Hell!!!

I see Katarn in that cockpit of his smilin’.  Katarn fires his laser canons.  The ornithinggie is obliterated and the remaining Watchdogs and Leyland die in a fiery conflagration.  I learned that conflagration word just recently.  Glad I could use it.  THE EMPIRE IS ELIMINATED!  

 
Mamaw’s Call. . .

Hello.  Let me just tell you all how very pleasured I am to be watching a portion of this final consolation match.  Almost as much as how much I just like pleasing Papaw and his meat spicket until it gurgles its gravy.  So, I see a bunch of water below.  I’m watching the churning, just like I do when I boil that possum for Thanksgiving.  I see a submarine manned by the Commandos.  James McLeod shouts at Chevell to ready the torpedoes and he, along with Clone Trooper #100 start pushing that projectile like I do with Papaw at times. Sir Winston Churchill barks some orders and the peedo is pushed into the tube and launched.  The torpedo races toward the Shark Ship of the Super Kitties.  Manic and Sonja both are able to twist the ship and the peedo misses its mark.  The Kitties race their ship to the submarine, which has risen to the surface.   The Shark Ship reaches the submarine and Doyle Blackwell jumps from his ship and lands near the hatch of the submarine.  Blackwell uses his blue lightsaber to cut through the hatch.  Blackwell then lands in the submarine and kills all combatants, but Clone Trooper #100 manages to shoot Blackwell in the close quarters.  As Clone Trooper #100 pops his head out of the submarine’s hatch, both Manic and Sonja dispatch him.  The hedgehogs then initiate the self destruct bottom of the submarine and ride off in their ship.  COMMANDOS ARE ELIMINATED!

Bama’s Call. . .

WOOOOO!  I love that KITT Car and I see that the Grindhouse is using it.  I love that car’s accent; it is so sophisticated and stuff.  That’s why I’ve gotten close with Rob C.  He may be from these here States, but being over in England for a while, and he gained that British accent just like Madonna did!  So, here goes.   Michael Knight is driving KITT and the two are talking and stuff.  They talk about what they think about the new Star Wars movie is going to be like and how it should be great.  Then they talk some strategy about the match, but I don’t really pay attention that much because I’m still pondering about their Star Wars discussion.  So, I see Jar Jar Binks with his head out of the passenger window, while Tom Brady pops out the window and flies with his blue lantern ring.  Brock Samspon’s Fighting Murderflies are racing around the way in the Punisher Van with Jedi Fire (Immell #10), ALF with a halberd, Dorf, Rowlf the Dog, Oscar the Grouch, Brony Becks and Ewok #22.  The van’s side door opens and ALF uses the halbeard to lop off the head of Jar Jar.  Kinda reminds me of when Mace Windu lopped off the head of Jango Fett; that was awesome, but sad when poor Boba just sat their with the helmet against his head.  Well, the Punisher Van launches weapons and stuff, but KITT and Michael’s superior driving ability avoid all of the hubbub.  KITT then spins around and bumps the Van.  Meanwhile, Tom Brady uses his blue lantern ring to rip off the door of the van.  Ewok #22 falls out and splats against the rocks on the ground.  Brady then kills Dorf, Rowlf and Oscar, but loses his shirt in the process.  Such rippling muscles.  Brony Becks is busy playing with his horse dollies and doesn’t pay attention as Immel #10 loses control of the van, which crashes and explodes in a conflagration.  I just learned that word from Papaw; hope I used it right.  MURDERFLIES ARE ELIMINATED!

Rob C’s Call. . .

Pip-pip and cheery-ho!  I’m back from bloody England and am excited to finally watch a match in this honorable FFL league.  Although some of you hurt my feelings the last time I showed up on the site, I decided to give you all another chance.  On that note, a man like me has to love Brony Beck, too bad he died so early. . .  Anyway, I’m looking at a snow speeder being flown by B3’s Jedi Guardian #2 and Phazeron.  I hear that Phazeron character has massive powers and is one of the biggies in the league.  They are facing off against Real Man and his team of Ice Man and Slider with Linny, Tuck, Ming Ming, and Ollie along with Special guest Bill Cosby in an Imperial Shuttle.  The snow speeder banks as the Imperial Shuttle fires at the double seated fighter.  You know, a funny thing I heard about the snowspeeder is that it can actually be flown by one person, unlike what some idiots in this league may believe.  So, the lasers strafe against the ship and sparks fly in the controls as Jedi Guardian #2 manages to steer away from sure death.  The speeder’s weapons are still functional and Phazeron fires the harpoom, skewering the shuttle and taking with it a decimated Linny, Tuck, Ming Ming and Ollie.  Bill Cosby is spewing some rhetoric because he accidentally drank his own concoction and Phazeron uses his subsonic blasts to take the shuttle out.  REAL MAN IS ELIMINATED!

Papaw’s Call. . .

I’m back y’all.  Here again to talk about what I’m watchin’.  I see Barkley’s Space Ghost in an A-Wing meeting up with the Sith Aids team.  Along done come the Sleeping Pussy Team in the Archimedes too.  James Bond is at the Archimedes controls with Winnie the Pooh eating honey from a pot by his side.   That bear sure loves his honey, just like the love I have for Mamaw’s squirrel stew.  Space Ghost strafes the Archimedes and tears the ship apart. Winnie the Pooh done gone boom with the ship.  But that crazy handsome Bond flies off in his astro harness and narrowly avoids Ronald McDonald’s throwing knives.  That ginger wrestler Daniel Bryan says “Yes” and jumps from the Ghost onto the spy.  They both plummet to their dooms as they go splat on the land below.  TEAM SLEEPIN’ PUSSY IS ELIMINATED!   A dog fight happens and the A-Wing and Ghost fly all over in circles and stuff.  Luckily, that burger boy McDonald and the Bat outmaneuver that caped ghost and destroy the A-Wing.  BARKLEY’S IS ELIMINATED!

Mamaw’s Call. . .

I know my little Bama just loves that Y-1300 light freighter cuz’ it looks like that Millenium Falcon that his Han Solo and Carpetbacca drive.   At the controls of the ship are Griswold's Nutbusters’ Uncle Buck.  I shed a small tear since he is with true friends this holiday season, Dexter Jettster, Doozer #15 and those crazy painted clowns of  ICP:  Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J.   The freighter banks off of the Midgets’ T-Ship, which has Ron Popeil, Ratts Tyrelle, Lolo, Norm Peterson and Cliff Clavin with a flamethrower.  Those clowns are so crazy.  I hear them singing.  Here’s the tune that is stuck in my head now:

We just anotha crazy click,
Doin' whatever to get us wild when we pumped up;
You ain't anotha bi&$h I ain't goin' lie, put ya guns up,
Show 'em who really runnin' the streets with the calicos.

A hatch opens up showing Cliff Clavin with a flamethrower.  The flames are shot at the ship and Doozer #15 fires a quad cannon and blows Clavin’s head off.  Norm Peterson becomes upset and huddles in the corner, drinking some beer.  The freighter’s quad cannons rattle the T-Ship.  Ratts Tyrelle cackles at Popeil, who uses his skills to begins to patch up the ship with his special spray paint, which is used both for his bald spot and insulating the ship.  Popeil looks down and notices that Lolo was killed in the last strike.  Popeil scream with rage at Lolo’s loss. 

Jettster:  Enough is enough!  Destroy the Midgets!

The freighter banks hard left and the quad cannons now used by the Posse decimate the Midget’s ship. Popeil huddles down to Peterson and holds the drunken blob in his arms.  Popeil looks into Peterson’s eyes.

Peterson:  I know. . .

The T-Ship explodes.

MIDGETS ARE ELIMINATED!

Bama’s Call. . .

B-3’s  Jedi Guardian #2 and Phazeron fly that snow speeder of theirs like there’s no tomorrow.  They fly back and forth and against the Slaves’ Kyle Katarn in an ArWing.  I have to be honest with you; this isn’t a lie – the battle is spectacular.  Everyone is shooting at one another.  And everyone is flying all over everywhere.  It reminds me of CVII when there were all these people everywhere throughout the center and I decided to see Clive Revel.  I thought it was just him and me, but I guess there were about twenty other people in line.  That Revel wouldn’t let me tell him where to sign my stuff and with what.  Revel said he knew what he was doing and gave me a really mean look.  That Clive Revel is a JERK!!!  What?  Oh yeah.  I’m supposed to be watching.  Needed Mamaw and Papaw to get me back here.  Well, I guess that while I was reliving that nightmare I only see Phazeron flying around.  The snow speeder and ArWing are gone.  Guess that means – THE SLAVES ARE ELIMINATED!

Rob C’s Call. . .

Cheers all again!  I see Michael Knight driving KITT with Tom Brady riding shotgun.  His clothes are somewhat tattered now due to his last skirmish and I guess you could say he’s riding bareback now.  Mmmmm.  Bareback.  The Royal Highness is riding alongside KITT in the T-Car.  Brady flies out of the car with his ring and he and Marvin the Martian are in a heated ray battle.  KITT knocks into the T-Car and Marvin loses his ray gun out the window.  Brady takes advantage of this and floats the martian out of the window and underneath the wheels of the T-Car.  Linus tried to reach Marvin and his blanket gets caught under the other tire.  Linus flies out of the car and breaks his neck.  Sailor Moon and D.C. Spiderman are then taken out by Brady, who single handedly overwhelms the Grindhouse and the T-Car and embarrasses the team, just like he’s doing with the entire NFL league this year.  THE HIGHNESS IS ELIMINATED!

Papaw’s Call. . .

This time I see them Nutbusters fightin’ against those Sith Aids dudes.  Now Mamaw heard those two creepy clowns singing, but I tell those two to turn that sh#t off!  I won’t be havin’ none of that ghetto drivel messin’ up my match.  Now that I can focus on my part of the match again.  I see the Ghost and Falcon-type ship fighting.  That Ronald McDonald clown is all upset at the ICP clowns.  The ships open their hatches and the clowns face off against one another.  I forgot to turn my hearing aid back up after that music got turned off and I missed what that red clown said to the black ones.  I just know I see a couple throwing knives hit the ICP ones and they both fall out of the ship.  That Ronald one is all happy and stuff and looks at the Bat and Pig before realizing his ship is being blown up.  SITH AIDS ARE ELIMINATED!

Mamaw’s Call. . .

B3’s Phazeron meets up with that Shark Ship being controlled by a couple of those rodent hedgehogs.  Don’t really like the taste of that type of that hedgehog meat because there are too many spikes and bones while not enough meat; could probably make a tasty soup from them though.  And that is exactly what that beastly Phazeron does to the Kitties.  Phazeron uses all of his powers to wipe out the ship along with the hedgehogs.  Phazeron looks unstoppable!  My oh my he is a strapping lad. KITTIES ARE ELIMINATED!

Bama’s Call. . .

I see the Grindhouse taking on the Nutbusters.  Oh, us Watchers are so close to the end now, we can just taste the excitement!  So Jettster is at the controls while both Uncle Buck and Doozer #15 are in the quad turrets.  They are pummeling the land around KITT.  Michael Knight is an incredible driver, but he cannot avoid the barrage of laser fire of the Grindhouse.  Michael Knight and KITT, I’m so sad to say, go up in a conflagration.  Brady is ejected from KITT, because he was in the car at the time and skirts death.  Oh, there’s that word again which I was able to use.  Conflagration.  Wow.  I’m good.  But the nearly victorious and celebrating Nutbusters fail to notice a shirtless Brady and his ring.  Brady forms football constructs which are partially deflated and fires them at the freighter.  The freighter is ripped apart.  Brady flies off and skirts away from what looked to be a sure fire suspension of his activities from the match.  NUTBUSTERS ARE ELIMINATED!

Rob C’s Call. . .

So I have the final say.  B3 against the Grindhouse. . . Phazeron against Tom Brady.  This is a no brainer.  First of all I want to say to all you losers who actually are in this league -  Get a life!  Spend your time with family and friends!  Phazeron!?!?  Seriously, he’s not even a character in ANY universe.  Marvel.  DC.  TV. Movies.  Nothing.  Phazeron is just another character that tool Beckerman made up to screw with the league.  I’m not going to be like Mamaw and think he is the end all of everything.  He’s made up.  Just like that Darth Shemalyah chick.  Seriously.  Shemalya?!?!  I heard she even has a couple acolytes that are going to be introduced this year!  Brady. Now that is a true man.  A living, breathing person with a wonderful family and beautiful wife.  Look to reality people.  Brady is the true winner.  You are all the true losers.  And so is B3 and all of his B.S.!  So this is me, Rob C., back and now able to tell you how I really feel.  Oh, by the way, if you idiots haven’t figured it out already B3 IS ELIMINATED!

THE GRINDHOUSE IS VICTORIOUS AND IS TRIUMPHANT IN THE FINAL CONSOLATION MATCH OF SEASON 8!