House Elves vs Epicene Miniature Homonids

The House Elves:  Gandalf the Grey (w/ Elven Ring), Thor, Set, Bizarro Superman, Godzilla, Iron Man, Black Bolt, Medusa, Karnak, Gorgon, Triton, Crystal, Lockjaw, Maximus the Mad, The Unspoken, Colosus, Luke Skywalker (in Luke's Stealth x wing), Harry Potter  (on Quiddich Broom), Sandworm #1-#5, Juggernaut, Agent Smith, T-1000, Dumbledore, Corbin Dallas, Santa and his reindeer, and Seaworm #10

Epicene Miniature Homonids: Yoda (w/a White Lantern Ring), Magneto, Mr. Mxyztplk, Larfleeze (Agent Orange), Link, Neo, Omega Supreme, He-Man and Battle Cat, Thundercracker, Skywarp, Black Lantern Batman, The Combaticons (Onslaught, Brawl, Blast-Off, Swindle, and Vortex), Han Solo (pilot), Chewbacca (co-pilot), Peppy Hare (gunner), & Slippy Toad (rear gunner) in a Y-1300 Light Freighter, Lando Calrisean (pilot), Nien Numb (co-pilot), Lobot (gunner), & Alf (rear gunner) in The Outlaw, Gamera, Mighty Mouse, Emperor Palpatine w/ Royal Guard #1-2, Air Zonk w/ Power Dump and Astra, Quasar, Dean Cain in an AT-RT, Terri Hatcher (w/ a Power Ring and Star Wand).

A Brief History of the FFL

Many years ago an argument began between two combatants. Like so many fools before them, they each thought that they were the greatest warrior in the universe. They planned a fight to determine who the best was. Word spread of the fight, and soon others wanted in. Chaos spread throughout. Many believed themselves the champion but none lived long enough to gloat.

Amongst the chaos arose a man. This man referred to himself as the “Commish”. The “Commish” had a plan to bring order to the universe. He brought all of the combatants together by forming a “league”. In this “league” there were “schedules” and “playoffs”. The dead were even paid respects in the “graveyard”. Although no one could single handedly claim victory, they could be part of something that legitimately could make that claim. For the benefit of all, he brought peace through war.

That is the official story.

While most combatants are happily fighting for their team, hoping to win the first ever universe bowl, they are unware that they have been here before.

But what does this have to do with this week’s match? The playoff planet is the key to everything. This is where the strongest engage in the biggest battles. This is for all of the glory, nothing is held back. That is the playoff planet’s purpose, although it is not its entire purpose.

Some have become aware that this is not the league’s first incarnation. The great reset, as they have been told, was for the betterment of the league. Many prominent figures had fallen and some questioned if this was still truly the “best of the best” that were fighting. In the interest of strengthening the league, all were brought back and again given fair shot of becoming champions.

The Playoff Planet’s Basement

What is not talked about is what happened before the great reset. Although it can be difficult to see a teammate parish, it is understood that the fight is for the greater good and as such there will be inevitable losses.

There began a rise in reports of ghosts of fallen comrades. These ghosts only appeared on the playoff planet and were only ever those who had moved on to the “graveyard”.

While the time of their appearance and which team they reached out to vary greatly, their message was always the same. Their souls and powers had been harvested by something from within the planet, for a much more sinister motive. They anguished over having fought their battles and pleaded with their former teammates to stop.

Players began to question the league. Some became hesitant in battle, others deserted. Many questioned the decision to continue using the playoff planet and requested a full investigation into the planet. Why must the playoff planet ALWAYS be a death match when outside of the playoffs? The league was beginning to unravel.

Obviously, this is bad for business and as a solution the league was reset.

While there are many whispers around the league of its previous incarnation, none know for certain who is behind the playoff planet or what their motives are.

“Master Yoda, the enemy is approaching.” yells Neo, breaking Yoda’s concentration. “We need to get ready, they will be here soon.”

“More time I must have.” Replies Yoda. “Uncovered something more important than this battle, I have.”

Harry Potter and Dumbledore are gallivanting around on Harry’s Quiddich broom (I assume that is what those books/movies are about) when they are knocked off from lasers blasts by Skywarp and Thundercracker. Bizarro Superman, who is flying nearby, decides that rather than saving his falling teammates he will instead fly through the transformers. He then feels shots in his back as he sees Air Zonk, Power Dump, and Astra flying towards him. He uses his flame breath to incinerate the three.

Meanwhile, Han and company fly into the desert, followed closely by Lando’s crew, along with Dean Cain in his AT-RT

“Alright Chewie, let’s do this!” Han says as they take the Millennium Falcon er, I mean Y-1300 close to ground level. The sandworms begin popping out of the sand, narrowly missing their target. Peppy and Slippy begin gunning the sandworms behind them, while Alf and Lobot shoot them from the Outlaw. One by one the Sandworms fall dead into the sand.

“Yeah, we did it!” exclaims Han as he and Chewie celebrate. Just then another Sandworm pops out and consumes the Outlaw and everyone on board, as well as Dean Cain and his AT-RT.

“Who was counting?!” screams Han as the ship turns around and guns down the remaining sandworm.

“No time to mourn, we need to meet up with the others.” As they fly off.

Gamera and Quasar head out into the ocean. Gamera dives deep comes out with a seaworm in his hands. Quasar moves in to blast apart the seaworm. Both Quasar and Gamera turn as they hear the distinctive roar of Godzilla as he emerges from the water. Before either can do anything Godzilla unleashes his atomic ray disintegrating Quasar and blowing a hole through Gamera. Godzilla lets out another roar as he moves to regroup with his team.

The House Elves regroup.

“I’ve found the bunker they are hiding in.” Says Iron Man. “Follow me.”

As the House Elves approach they see Magneto standing alone, seemingly anticipating them.

“You can stop right there.” Says Magento

Rather than have one of those conversation that happen right before all of the action happens Iron Man tries to catch him off guard by zipping in for the attack. Magneto stops him only inches away.

“Valiant effort, Iron Man.” Magneto says before redirecting him back towards his team while launching all of his weapons at them. They take out Medusa, Gorgon, and Karnak while Iron Man explodes into Godzilla. Omega Supreme moves in on the damaged Kaiju finishing him off. Magneto's teammates emerge from the bunker quickly scattering and engaging the enemy.

Another one of Iron Man’s missiles nearly hits the Y-1300. Chewie lets out a roar and Han gets excited, until they hear Luke over the intercom.

“Han, old pal. I’m glad I got to see you before you died this time.” Says Luke just a moment before his proton torpedo blows up the Y-1300 and everyone inside.

Lockjaw doesn’t see any cats around so he skips a step in the circle of life and runs after might mouse, who becomes a mighty fine meal for him.

Santa lands his sleigh on the ground near He-man and Battle Cat. Battle Cat begins mauling the reindeer while He-man swings away at Santa, cutting off limbs and fatally wounding him. He-man looks down at the dead Santa and reindeer to see it coming together and reforming into a person who looks just like He-man. Catching him off guard T-1000 sticks his replicate straight into the heart of He-man.

From within his bunker, Yoda hears faints noises of explosions and gunfire as he slips back into his meditative state.

The key is at the beginning

The originators of the FFL were not just two random fighters as many think. They were in fact very calculated in their actions. While both are very skilled they knew that they would not be able to take on the universe themselves, it is simply too big with too many powerful beings. Instead, they manufactured and instigated fights amongst the others creating the chaos. They realized that others could do all of the work for them and they wouldn’t have to lift a finger.

“Tell me who they are, you must!” pleads Yoda

Who do you think would have the most to gain? Who are the two highest ranking members of this league?

“No, true it cannot be. The owners of these two teams. Lead us to death they would not.” Says Yoda

Actually, you are right.

“What?!?!” exclaims Yoda.

Mr. Mxyztplk appears out of nowhere.

“I’ve been making this up as I go.” Replies My Mxyztplk. “You sit there with such a serious face and listen intently to everything I say. I just couldn’t help it.”

“Why me? Your own teammate you have betrayed!” asks Yoda.

“Oh believe me, I tried Luke first. He wouldn’t listen, just wanted to run off and save his friends. You know about that, don’t you?”

“Yes!” exclaims Yoda as his light saber ignites through Mr. Mxyztplk.

“Oh, now that is good!” before his limp body falls to the ground.

Yoda runs outside to meet up with his team.

He sees destruction everywhere as he scans for survivors. In the distance he sees Luke landing his x-wing. Nearby he hears the maniacal laugh of Emperor Palpatine.

“Hahahahahaha! They will soon be done!” laughs Palpatine as Luke approaches.

“Luke, surrender you must. Outmatched you are. Let you go we will.” Says Yoda.

“Master Yoda, you know better than anyone that is not my nature.” Replies Luke as he ignites his light saber.

“Be done boy!” growls Palpatine as he shoots force lightning at Luke. At first Luke is able to handle it but quickly becomes overpowered convulses as he absorbs the massive shock.

There is a loud boom and a flash. The combatants are momentarily blinded and deafened. They see a crater where Palpatine previously stood. Next to the crater stands tall muscly man brandishing the finest hammer you’ve ever seen.

“Force lightning is weak!” bellows Thor as he hurls Mjolnir towards Yoda.

 As Yoda narrowly dodges the hammer Luke picks up light saber and swings it at Yoda. Yoda anticipates this and blocks his attack. He however did not anticipate Mjolnir’s return to Thor and it passes through him.

Thor flicks back his luscious golden locks, raises his massively muscled arms in the air, admires his beautiful hammer for a moment and then takes flight back to the locker room.