George Washington's Slaves vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies

“Dreams will get you nowhere, a good kick in the pants will take you a long way.”
-Baltasar Gracian

I look at the teams to do battle at the Playoff Planet during this Week 6 Match. They are as follows:

George Washington's Slaves: Wedge Antilles and R2-G1 in an X-Wing, Dack and R2-G2 in an X-Wing, Matt Tracker in Thunderhawk, Frank Martin in the Golden Fox, Agen Kolar, Ajax Major, Amazo, Ancient Ginaz Swordsmen #7-12, The Gears of War crew: Sgt. Marcus Fenix, Dominic Santiago, Augustus "Cole Train" Cole and Damon Baird, Ben Skywalker, Bender "Bending" Rodriguez, Box, Navy Seals #21 and 22, Bronze Dragon #20, Cade Skywalker, Cassandra Nova, Cthulu, Colossus, Connor McLeod, Santa Claus (w/ Ki Adi Mundi's old lightsaber), Korben Dallas (w/ green lightsaber), Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph, Cosmos, Crash Bandicoot, Dare the Terminator, Darkman, Darth Plagueis, Dormammu, Duncan Idaho Ghola #7, Frankenstein's Monster, Ginaz Swordsmen #1-6, Hound, Huckleberry Hound, Inspector Gadget, Jason Bourne, Jedi Masters #10-17, Juan Sanchez Villa Lobos Ramirez, Zombie Ki Adi Mundi, King Kong, Kybuck, Loki, Mad Eye Moody, Mercer, Taurus and Red Dog, Red Dragon #10, Sandworms #15 and 16, Saruman, Sauron, Sayid Jarrah (w/ red lightsaber), Scorpion (w/ red lightsaber and heat axe), Sifo Dyas, SpongeBob Squarepants, Stinkor, Super Soldier, Taki, Tony the Tiger, Ultraman, Windcharger, William Wallace, Doppleganger, Runner, B'dg, Zillius Zox, Coleman Kcaj, Gizmo, Air Bud, Paul Bunyan and Babe the Ox and Piecemeal.

Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies: Sandworm #1, The Maxx and Julie Winters, Doc Brown, Speedy Gonzalez, Dobby, Forge, Agent X, Hellboy, Etrigan the Demon, Lobo, Guy Gardner, G'Nort, Brock Sampson, Kyle Rayner, Beatrix Kiddo, Dorf (w/ a heat axe), Jedi Master #20, Hawkman and Hawkwoman, The Planeteers: Kwame, Wheeler, Linka, Gi, Ma-Ti and Suchi the Monkey, The Power Rangers: Jason, Billy, Zach, Trini and Kimberly, Mecha Godzilla, Rancors #1 and 2, The Power Puff Girls: Blossom and Bubbles, The Technobots: Scattershot, Lightspeed, Nosecone, Strafe and Afterburner, Ron Popeil, Shazam, Starro, Grimlock, King (Head Coach) Leonidas, The Wu-Tang Clan: ODB, Dirt Mcgirt, Big Baby Jesus, RZA, GZA, Method Man, Raekwon, Ghost Face Killah, Inspectah Deck, U-god, Masta-Killa and Cappadonna, Topher Brink, Dolls #1 and 2, The Great Lakes Avengers: Mr. Immortal, Squirrel Girl, Big Bertha and Flatman, Squirrels #1-15, The Blair Witch, Vincent (from Collateral), Teddy Roosevelt, Quickdraw McGraw, Moon Knight, Booster Gold, Captain Caveman and Marines #3-100

Let the Battle Begin. . . .

Water Region

Ron Popeil stands confidently on an immense barge. Marines #3-100 stand behind him. Popeil pulls out his Mr. Microphone and shouts to the Slaves team which waits on a flotilla one hundred yards away.

Popeil: Slaves!!! I am going to use my Inside the Shell Egg Scrambler to destroy SpongeBob Squarepants!!! I am going to use my Cap Snaffler to pop the head off of Gizmo!!! I’m going to use my Electric Food Dehydrator on Bronze Dragon #20!!! I’m going to use my GLH-9 Hair in a Spray to blind Cthulu!!! I’m going to use my Six Star Cutlery set to disembowel Navy Seals #21 and 22!!! And my friends behind me are going to help make that happen!!! Marines!!!!

The barge reaches the platform and the battle begins. Popeil focuses on Squarepants. The huckster grabs the diminutive sea dweller. Popeil pulls out his modified Scrambler (which uses batteries instead of electricity) from his backpack and pushes SpongeBob in the invention. SpongeBob Squarepants is de-liquefied and explodes. Popeil then focuses on Gizmo. Gizmo reacts and attempts to jump into the water. Marine #72 reaches Gizmo before he can do so. Marine #72 hands Gizmo to Popeil who removes the Cap Snaffler from his backpack. He uses the Snaffler to pop the head off of Gizmo. Navy Seals #21 and 22 begin to fire their weapons and kill Marines #14-17 and 24-27. Popeil reacts to the death of his teammates and throws the knives from his Six Star Cutlery set at the Seals. Navy Seal #21 is hit in the chest and dies. Navy Seal #22 is wounded. Popeil pounces on the military man and jams his Solid Flavor Injector into Navy Seal #22’s eye; his brain is flooded and shuts off.

The remaining Marines fire upon Bronze Dragon #20. Bronze Dragon #20 is riddled with bullets and dies, but not before it uses its repulsion gas and lightning breath to kill Marines #43-45 and 67-75.

Cthulu emerges from the watery depths. Cthulu kills a majority of the Marines, but is also killed in the process. The only survivors of the water melee are Ron Popeil and Marines #3, 5, 6 and 8-13. Popeil looks to the carnage around him.

Popeil: We have won this battle my friends, but at what price. . . at what price. . . I actually figure that it cost us only 10 easy installments of $14.99. . .

Space Region

The two X-Wings come into formation and fire upon the Murderflies’ Green Lanterns-Guy Gardner, G’Nort and Kyle Rayner. Their combined ring powers deflect the lasers shot by the Rebel fighters. Rayner and Gardner work together to create a massive green projection which envelops the X-Wings and smashes them together. Wedge Antilles manages to avoid a majority of the collision’s impact. Dack and R2-G2 are not as lucky as their X-Wing explodes, killing them both. Although not destroyed, Wedge’s X-Wing is crippled and spins out of control. The spaceship is caught by G’Nort’s ring powers. G’Nort destroys the X-Wing and R2-G1; Antilles manages to eject out. Cosmos sees Antilles floating in space in a pressurized-suit. Both Antilles and Cosmos fly away from the skirmish. G’Nort follows the Transformer and Rebel leader. G’Nort is met by both B’dg and Zillius Zox. G’Nort actually gains the upper hand on the squirrel-like B’dg and kills him. In response to his teammate’s death, the Red Lantern kills G’Nort. The big headed lantern is then met by the duo of Gardner and Rayner. The two green lanterns kill Zox. Rayner then flies at Cosmos and Antilles. Rayner rips Antilles from Cosmos’ back and crushes him alive with his ring powers. Cosmos sees his rider being killed and strikes back at Rayner. Rayner is destroyed by Cosmos. Gardner is engulfed by the fury of his red lantern background and rips Cosmos apart. The Runner rushes to the scene and uses the power cosmic. Gardner implodes.

Desert Region

Speedy Gonzalez stands with King Leonidas.

Gonzalez: ¡Hola enemigos! ¡Está a punto de morirse una muerte horrible en las manos de un ratón rápido y sus camaradas honorables!

In response to Gonzalez’s words, Zombie Ki Adi Mundi rides the Kybuck toward his enemies. Before he reaches the Murderflies, his zombie urges get the better of him and he rips the throat out of the steed. Mundi is thrown off the Kybuck as it falls, mortally wounded. Zombie Ki Adi Mundi quickly rises and ignites his lightsaber. He is joined by Coleman Kcaj and Sayid Jarrah with a red lightsaber. The lightsaber wielding teammates are met by Jedi Master #20 and Dorf with a heat axe. Mundi and Kcaj focus on Jedi Master #20 and combine their efforts to kill him. Agent X is somewhat hidden amongst the sand and uses his enhanced marksmanship skills to blow a hole in Mundi’s head; the zombie goes down. Dorf avoids the lightsaber of Sayid numerous times due to his height. Dorf’s axe grazes Jarrah’s leg; an injured Sayid falls, but not before slicing the head off of Dorf on the way down. Beatrix Kiddo jumps on the Sayid (who has lost his lightsaber) and shoves her kitana through his chest. Sayid dies. Kiddo is then surrounded by Ginaz Swordsmen #1-6. Kiddo slices and dices her way through all Ginaz #1-6. She is then met by Ancient Ginaz Swordsmen #7-12. She is tired due to her previous efforts. Although she manages to kill Ancient Ginaz Swordman #8, she is skewered repeatedly by the remaining Ancient Ginaz members. Rancors #1 and 2 storm upon the scene and rip apart the remaining Ancient Ginaz Swordmen #7, 9-12. While the Rancors are devouring their victims, Sandworm #16 explodes from the sands below and engulfs both Rancors #1 and 2.

Ajax Major attempts to squash Gonzalez, but is unsuccessful due to the swift nature of the speedy rodent. King Leonidas decides to take advantage of Ajax Major’s distraction. The two men decide to Greco-Roman wrestle to the death. Leonidas is victorious and suffocates Ajax with a double-scissor, leg, death-grip. Leonidas’ victory is short lived as Sandworm #15 engulfs him. Seeing his master and team captain die, Gonzalez whips into a frenzy. He jumps on Grimlock and steers the Transformer to attack Sandworm #15. Grimlock rips Sandworm #15 apart. Sandworm #1 barrels to the scene and the two Sandworms (#1 and #16) finish each other off.

Agent X locates Duncan Idaho Ghola #7 and takes him out. Agent X is then killed when Coleman Kcaj sneaks behind him and burns a hole through Agent X’s heart. Grimlock and Gonzalez then storm up at Kcaj and rip him apart. Hound attempts to attack the “Two G Killaz” (aka Gonzalez and Grimlock), but loses its fight.

Gonzalez, still on top of Grimlock, shouts: ¡El Murderflies Luchador es victorioso en nuestra batalla de desierto! ¡Chúpelo Esclaviza!

City Region

Jason Bourne faces Vincent. Although Vincent is a trained killer, Bourne is a natural assassin. The two fight at a staccato pace, but eventually Bourne bests Vincent. Moon Knight focuses on Bourne, and being a former mercenary and killer, uses his crescent shaped weapons to rip into Bourne. Bourne falls down and is confronted by the entire Wu-Tang Clan. The Clan kicks him repeatedly while he is on the ground. Bourne looks up at the Clan, hearing their “Protect Ya Neck” rap.

ODB: So what's up man?Dirt McGirt: Cooling manBig Baby Jesus: Chilling chilling?RZA: Yo you know I had to call, you know why right?GZA: Why?Method Man: Because, yo, I never ever call and ask, you to play something right?Raekwon: YeahGhost Face Killah: You know what I wanna hear right?Inspectah Deck: What you wanna hear?U-god: I wanna hear that Wu-Tang jointMasta Killa: Wu-Tang again?Cappadonna: Ah yeah, again and again!

As the last words are sung out of the mouth of Cappadonna, they come together and deal Bourne his death blow. Air Bud runs up to the Clan and barks. The Clan surrounds the dog. The diversion worked. Although Air Bud is killed, he sacrificed himself so that Ben Skywalker, Sifo Dyas and Cade Skywalker could dispel with the Clan. The Jedi slice and dice through them all; the entire Wu-Tang Clan dies in a bloody heap.

Darkman sees Topher Brink. Maniacal laughter is heard as he brutally kills the Dollhouse programmer. Dolls 1 and 2 take revenge and kill Darkman. They then focus on Juan Sanchez Villa Lobos Ramirez and Taki. Although both are killed, Doll #1 loses her life in the process. Doll #2 is then killed by Box and Piecemeal. Etrigan the Demon sneaks behind Mad Eye Moody and kills him before Moody can use his wizardry.

Moon Knight faces both Scorpion with a red lightsaber and heat axe and Bender. Bender bends his robotic body around Moon Knight, who is now imprisoned in the robot’s steel arms and legs. Moon Knight is then killed by Scorpion. Etrigan the Demon lunges at Scorpion and rips him apart. In response, the combined efforts of both Cassandra Nova and Colossus kill Etrigan.

The Technobots: Scattershot, Lightspeed, Nosecone, Strafe and Afterburner approach the scene in their various forms. Each Transformer focuses on an individual Slave. Scattershot rips through Bender. Strafe rips through Box. Afterburner smashes Ben Skywalker. Lightspeed barrels into Sifo Dyas. The robots then decide to form Computron. Computron immediately uses its immensely powerful form to kill Cade Skywalker, Dare the Terminator and Windcharger. Computron sees Piecemeal come to the scene and fires at the mutant. Piecemeal absorbs the immense energy frequency and blasts it back at Computron. Although Piecemeal is killed in the process due to the immense energy expended, he manages to rip apart Computron and destroy Afterburner and Nosecone. The remaining Transformers fire upon and kill Cassandra Nova. Colossus races to a manhole cover and runs through the tunnels to the next battle sight

Underground City (Sewer) Region

Hellboy (to Frankenstein’s Monster): You are one ugly mother!

Although the two tussle, Hellboy uses his obnoxiously large weapon to blast a hole through the monster’s body; Frankenstein crumples to the wet floor. Hellboy then focuses on the Gears of War crew. As he is about to fire upon them, he is ripped apart by the razor sharp webs of Doppleganger. Doppleganger laughs at his defeat of Hellboy and looks at Julie Winters. He kills her. The beast is then struck by both Maxx and Lobo. The two destroy Doppleganger.

Suchi the Monkey throws its feces across the armored faceplates of the Gears of War crew. The Planeteers take advantage of Suchi’s poop. Linka uses her wind powers to pin the crew to the sewers. Gi uses her water powers to spray the dirt and germ infested waters at the Gears of War crew, blinding them further. Ma-Ti uses his powers to talk to the rats which swarm over the Gears of War Commandos. The Gears of War crew fire at the Planeteers, but are unable to hit anybody in the confusion. The Maxx and Lobo take advantage of the Planeteers skills and kill the entire Gears of War clan.

Snow Region

Santa Claus rides in his sleigh. His voice can be heard from the sky.

Claus: Ho! Ho! Ho! Murderflies’ blood gonna flow!

With that said, Claus rides down on his sleigh, Ki Adi Mundi’s old lightsaber in hand. He kills Stinkor first without being sprayed and focuses on Dobby. Claus becomes infuriated that the house-elf is not working at his shop even though all the other elves of the world currently are, building his toys. He lops Dobby’s head off. As the sleigh rises again, Brock Sampson grabs onto Rudolph and breaks the reindeer’s neck. He then jumps on the reindeer’s braces and steers the sleigh into the icy tundra below. In the crash, Dasher, Vixen and Comet are killed. The Power Rangers swarm the reindeer and with their fighting prowess, kill the remaining reindeer-Dancer, Prancer, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. Brock looks for Santa, but he is missing amongst the wreckage. Forge uses his abilities to quickly create weapons out of the sleigh parts. He, along with Sampson, use these weapons against Korben Dallas. Dallas is able to block some of the blows, but eventually succumbs to their effort and dies.

Forge and Sampson then look for Claus. The two locate and fire their weapons at the Jolly Gentile. Inspector Gadget uses his body as a shield and deflects the weapons fired at Claus; this move saves Claus. Super Soldier then leaps over Gadget. In mid air, Super Solider uses his shield to slice off Forge’s head. He then barrels into Brock Sampson. After a pitched battle, Super Solider is victorious.

Agen Kolar and Jedi Masters #10-17 race at the Power Rangers. All of the Rangers are slaughtered, but Jedi Masters #10 and 13 die too. Inspector Gadget transforms into a hovercraft and flies to another part of the planet with his remaining tundra teammates.

Plains Region

Quickdraw McGraw: What do you say Huckleberry?

Huckleberry Hound: Who me?

Before Huckleberry Hound can react, a shot is heard and a bullet hole shows up in the middle of his forehead. Huckleberry Hound drops dead. Quickdraw McGraw is joined by Doc Brown. They have William Wallace in their sights.

Wallace: Ye may kihl mah, but weill ‘ave ohr victorah!

Wallace is riddled with bullets and drops to his death. Tony the Tiger rushes at Doc Brown and mauls him to death. McLeod is shot by McGraw. Conner McLeod falls to the ground, but rises again. McGraw is amazed and attempts to reload his gun. McLeod, still in a bit of pain due to the bullet, staggers over to McGraw and slices his head off.

Teddy Roosevelt senses McLeod’s weakness and slices his head off with his army sword. Roosevelt looks down at McLeod’s decapitated body.

Roosevelt: Absence and death are the same - only that in death there is no suffering. [A real Roosevelt quote].

Taurus, Red Dog and Mercer fire upon Roosevelt. Roosevelt is killed. In response to the ex-President’s death, Loki wipes out Sgt. Slaughter’s Renegades-Taurus, Red Dog and Mercer. Mecha Godzilla comes to the site and rips both Tony the Tiger and Crash Bandicoot apart. Amazo uses the metahuman powers he siphoned off his teammates and fries Mecha Godzilla. The robotic beast falls to the ground.

In the Air

Captain Caveman is startled that a “dinosaur” can fly. While he attempts to understand this discrepancy, Red Dragon #10 blows its fire and burns Captain Caveman alive. The Caveman’s body falls to the ground, dead. Before the Dragon can take another life, Hawkman and Hawkwoman skewer the beast and clubs it over its head. Red Dragon #10 dies. Matt Tracker in Thunderhawk comes upon the Hawk duo. All weapons are fired from the modified Thunderhawk and they devastate Hawkwoman. Hawkman goes berserk at the death of his mate and starts bashing the Thunderhawk with his mace. Booster Gold and Shazam join their comrade and destroy the Thunderhawk which crashes and kills Matt Tracker with it.

Starro lunges at Ultraman and attempts to control his actions. Due to the cosmic humanoid’s disposition, Starro is unable to affect him. Ultraman takes advantage of Starro’s inability and rips his arms off; Starro is mortally wounded and soon dies. Frank Martin in the Golden Fox faces the Power Puff Girls. The Girls beat up Martin and the Fox crashes, killing Martin. The Power Puff Girls then join forces with Hawkman, Shazam and Booster Gold to destroy Ultraman.

Forest Region

Squirrel Girl uses her innate ability to communicate with Squirrels #1-15. The bushy-tailed rodents jump on Babe the Ox. Babe attempts to buck the Squirrels off its back to no avail. Although they are only nuisances, Babe (in a loss of control fit) kicks Bunyan across the forest. A disoriented Bunyan attempts to get up and is met by Mr. Immortal and Flatman. Flatman wraps his body around Bunyan. Mr. Immortal then pummels Bunyan in the face and kills the axe-wielding giant. Babe bucks around again, still attempting to dismount the Squirrels. Dormammu uses his mystical energy to fry Squirrels #1-15, off of Babe’s back. While all the Squirrels die in flames, the fires cause Babe to buck out of control. Babe tramples over Big Bertha and Squirrel Girl in the process. Still in an uncontrollable rage, Kong has to put Babe out of its misery.

The Blair Witch sees Darth Plagueis walking through the forest. Plagueis crouches into a battle stance and meets the witch. Dormammu steps in and uses his powers to fry the Blair Witch. Kong rushes after and grabs Mr. Immortal. Kong uses the strongman like a ragdoll and strikes his head repeatedly on the ground. Saruman arrives to the scene and with his dark wizardry kills Mr. Immortal. Plagueis locates Flatman and slices him in half. Kong sees Flatman and moves behind the bushes to use him as toilet paper.

The Final Battle

The remaining combatants are moved to the cityscape of the planet.

The remaining George Washington's Slaves are Agen Kolar, Amazo, Colossus, Santa Claus (w/ Ki Adi Mundi's old lightsaber), Darth Plagueis, Dormammu, Inspector Gadget, Jedi Masters #11-12, 14-17, King Kong, Loki, Saruman, Sauron, Super Soldier and Runner.

The remaining Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies are The Maxx, Speedy Gonzalez, Lobo, Hawkman, The Planeteers: Kwame, Wheeler, Linka, Gi, Ma-Ti and Suchi the Monkey, The Power Puff Girls: Blossom and Bubbles, The Technobots: Scattershot, Lightspeed and Strafe, Ron Popeil, Shazam, Grimlock, Booster Gold and Marines #3, 5, 6, 8-13.

Suchi the monkey throws its poo at the Slaves. Kong responds and Suchi suffocates in Kong’s dung. Lightspeed, Scattershot and Strafe transform into their robot modes and fire upon King Kong. Kong succumbs to the barrage of Transformer firepower. Wheeler hurls his powers of fire at Dormammu. Dormammu laughs at the flames and throws it back at him. Wheeler screams as he bursts into flames and becomes a singed corpse.

Agen Kolar leads Jedi Masters #11-12, 14-17. They are met by Lobo and the Maxx. The duo manages to murder all Jedi Masters. In the melee, Kolar kills the Maxx.

Inspector Gadget’s body folds into a giant mouse trap. Speedy Gonzalez is not fast enough to escape Gadget and the trap snaps shut, breaking the mouse’s neck. While still a mouse trap, Popeil rushes at Gadget and uses the Popeil Pocket Fisherman to tinker with Gadget’s form. Gadget has trouble reverting back into his humanoid guise. At the death of his battle partner, Grimlock comes upon Gadget and crushes him to pieces. Colossus, who has been missing since his flight from the city streets into the sewers, bursts from the drain pipe to the scene of the battle. As he rises from the depths, his head is ripped off by Grimlock’s jaws.

Agen Kolar, Darth Plagueis and Santa Claus meet Marines #3, 5, 6, 8-13. Kolar slices through Marines #3 and 5. Plagueis dices through Marines #6, 8-10. Claus beheads Marines #11-13. Scattershot, Lightspeed and Strafe, in robot form, come to the scene and kill Claus and Kolar. Plagueis escapes, but it is short lived as Lobo catches him and rips him apart. Sauron (who has been missing from the match, for what reason, good readers, shall be explained at a future date. . .) comes at Lobo and kills him. Sauron then joins Saruman, Loki and Dormammu. The magic and mystical wielders rip through the Planeteers. Loki fries Kwame. Saruman cooks Linka. Sauron mashes Gi. Dormammu smashes Ma-Ti.

In the air, Amazo captures Shazam and places him in a hold so that Shazam is defenseless. Super Soldier comes upon the two combatants and with lightning speed strikes. Shazam looks at Super Soldier and notices that his shield is bloodied. Shazam looks down and sees his intestines dripping from his stomach. Shazam dies, his last act being an attempt to push his guts back in his body. Hawkman swoops in and Amazo’s head is crushed in at the force used by Hawkman and his mace. Super Soldier flies in and kills Hawkman. Booster Gold attempts to best Super Soldier, but never reaches him as the Runner rips him apart with the power cosmic. The Runner then finishes off the remaining Technobots, Scattershot, Lightspeed and Strafe.

Popeil stands in front of Grimlock and is flanked on both sides by Bubbles and Blossom. They see the odds are against them. Dormammu, Loki, Saruman, Sauron, Super Soldier and Runner look to the remaining Murderflies.

Loki: Last words?

Popeil: We shall die with honor today!

Loki: That you shall.

Loki is about to signal his teammates to destroy the remaining enemy.

Popeil: But wait, there’s more!!!

Saruman: There is no more. . . .

Dormammu, Loki, Saruman, Sauron and the Runner release their energies upon the Murderflies. Blossom explodes at Dormammu’s hands. Bubbles implodes at Saruman’s hands. Popeil disintegrates at Loki’s hands. Grimlock melts at the Runner’s hands.

Murderflies: All dead.

Slaves: Dormammu, Loki, Saruman, Sauron, Super Soldier and the Runner.

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S SLAVES ARE VICTORIOUS!!!