Season 8: Week 3: Griswold’s Nut-busters Vs. Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions

Griswold’s Nut Busters are Zombie Thanos, Onslaught, Nova (Sam Alexander), Circle of Fire: Pel Tavin, Hunter Rayner & Forest Rayner, Star Sapphire #3, Ras Al Ghul, Riddick (In an Arwing) The Mighty Jackin Power Slackers, The Shining Force: Mini-Pipes, Livewire, The Goddess of the Moon, Super-Hero, Heat Man, Cowboy Man, Bear, Stephanie, DOS, P.C., Go-Bot #1 & 2, Droid Fighter Ship #15 & 16, Dementor #1, War Skrull #7, Skrull #22, Vampire #31-40.

Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions: Black Lantern Silver Surfer, Apollo, Helios, Kingdom Come Jade merged with Ion, Cyborg Superman, The Spectre, Phoenix Force: Cyclops, Collossus, Emma Frost & Magik and Supergirl (Ariella Kent), Guns N Roses, Trey & Corazon (from the movie Sunshine), Ron Jeremy & Goldmember.

NPR Broadcast

Today on Fresh Air, we are going to be discussing race relations in 21^st century United States culture. It has been over 50 years since the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and in that time, we have made great strides towards equality in this country. Still, the fight for that equality is far from being finished. In our series on Civil Rights progress through the years, we have discussed many different issues from employment equality to the overall change in thought in regards to race.

Last week we discussed one of the most heinous gaffs of the last fifty years, one of which involved somebody in the cabinet of a United States President. In possibly the most well- known gaff of the last forty years, former US Secretary of Agriculture, Earl Butz made comments about African Americans that forced him to resign his position. On a flight back from the 1976 Republican National Convention, Butz made a comment about what ‘he’ saw as the only things “Colored’s” as he put it, wanted.

The comments were a sad indictment of how far we still had to come as a society before we could consider the fight over with. Still though, in 2015, a time in which we have elected an African American to the highest position in the country, not once, but twice, we still see things like our topic today, that show us that perhaps we are not as far along in this process as I would like to assume.

In the very popular organization, The Fantasy Fantasy League, an organization that has been lauded in the past for its inclusion of every creature in the known Universe, has recently come under fire. The controversy surrounds a group of men that have entered in this year that not only fill the spot of every racial and cultural stereotype you could think of, but they also celebrate and exploit it. The Mighty Jackin Power Slackers team incorporates characters that would be exploitive even during the 20’s and 30’s.

MSNBC

Chris Matthews: I am sorry, how could anybody in this day in age condone something this blatantly racist. This team that has been included this year, goes against fifty years of progress in this country and for someone to tell me that I need to lighten up and get a sense of humor, this is all I have to say to you. (Spits toward the camera) Shame on you.

Fox News

Megyn Kelly: You know what I am sick of, the hypocritical people out there having a problem with this Mighty Jackin crew. Get a sense of humor people. They are not doing anything that hasn’t been done and still isn’t being done within the African American community for decades now. If you do not like it, fine, but please stop talking about shutting the organization down and acting like this is anything but some people taking a poke at the ignorant racial stereotypes that has existed for years in this county. Here’s the real thing people, they are not taking this serious, so guess what, either should you.

Conan O’Brien

Earlier this week, filmmaker Michael Moore blasted the Fantasy Fantasy League for the racially insensitive team called the Mighty Jackin Power Slackers. He said they perpetuated every awful racial stereotype this country has to offer. He also called for the banning of the Fantasy Fantasy League organization and blasted its Organizer, Joshua Houslander, for allowing such a thing. In other news, Michael Moore’s heart came out this week and blasted Michael Moore’s mouth in a statement saying “Dude you call that team offensive, what do you call five chili dogs a day for three decades? I call it the worst travesty since Somalia.”

At the Griswold’s Headquarters

Josh Houslander: Okay you guys, I am getting blasted out there. I am not going to give into the critics but I have to do something about you guys.

The Black Slacker: Well boss, what you want us to do?

Josh: You guys have to cool it off for a while. Is there is any way you cannot be, how do I put this, is there any way you guys cannot be so ignorant. If I am going too fast for you I apologize. That means I am sorry by the way.

The Colored Slacker: Well I don’t know boss, we are just too stupid to even know what you are talking about.

Josh: Okay, I will try to see what I can do.

The Brown Slacker whispers something under his breathe, something that makes the Even Blacker Slacker yell at him quietly to shut up. A small argument ensues that eventually leads the Black Slacker to speak up.

The Black Slacker: Are you serious Josh?

Josh: Yes I am serious, I really need you guys…

The Black Slacker: No, I mean do you really think we are so stupid that we don’t understand what you are talking about?

Josh looks at them all with great confusion.

The Black Slacker: You honestly think a group of black men in this day in age would still subscribe to something like this?

Josh: Well I guess I don’t know. You all came into this league with these persona’s…

The Black Slacker: We came into this league with these personas because we knew this was the only way we could get in.

The Dark Slacker: We all graduated from MIT three years ago, all six of us in the top ten of our class.

The Brown Slacker: We are all rocket scientists for Christ sake.

Josh: Then why the hell did you guys sell yourselves like this? MIT is about as high as it gets. You should be working for NASA, not sitting here with me.

The Black Slacker: Yeah, well, tell that to NASA.

The Damn Near Purple Slacker: It is a sad fact that we all agree with but even with our educational background in this county, we still could not find anything even as steady as job as a High School Chemistry teacher.

The Brown Slacker: Especially with our student loans.

The Dark Slacker: So instead of toiling away, watching the government take away one grant after another, we came up with an idea that we knew was full proof.

The Black Slacker: Only somebody as smart as us could come up with something so genius as to besmirch everything we are not. So we came up with this team. It is steady work and it helps us continue to work together in an environment that is filled with open minds and technology beyond our imagination.

The Brown Slacker: It’s not our fault that still, in 2015, this country is unwilling to except that a black man, let alone a group of black men could be smart enough to do work that 99% of the world would consider impossible to understand.

The Even Blacker Slacker: It is still the biggest problem with this country. We all claim that we are a post racial society, but the truth is, we just want to pretend like the past never happened and act like everything is normal.

The Brown Slacker: When we all know full well that we are very far from being normal. There needs to be a huge discussion in this country for any of this to ever come to any sort of a resolution and until we have that conversation, we are going to stay in this limbo period that we have been in for over forty years now.

Josh: Well okay then. This is not how I thought this was going to go. (pauses) I honestly do not know what to say. I suppose I am sorry for buying into all of this Brown Slacker.

The Brown Slacker: Please do not call me that ever again. My name is Marcel.

The Black Slacker: I’m Ethan. (Pointing to the Even Blacker Slacker) This is Michael (Now at the Colored Slacker) This is Emmett (At the Dark slacker) This is Kevin (At the Damn Near Purple Slacker) and this is Neil.

Josh: Well okay then. Marcel, Ethan, Michael, Emmett, Kevin and Neil. I want to welcome you guys to the league.

Marcel: We are honestly glad to be here.

Kevin: Seriously, what we can accomplish in this league could be truly groundbreaking. Though it still doesn’t make it right that this was how we came into this league, no matter what the reason we came up with was. But hey, I’m not a fool. It’s just the way it is. Hopefully, one of these days, it won’t be.

Josh: Look though I agree with you on basically everything you have said, I cannot stand when people say that about us. Things have changed you guys, don’t pretend like they haven’t okay. With that being said, I totally understand if you want me to change your profiles.

Ethan: Oh, you can’t change our profiles. Not now.

Josh: Okay, what?

Marcel: Yeah, this information is to not leave this room. If you expose this to the rest of the league, you will have destroyed everything we have been working on.

Josh: Working on? Look, I am getting shit on out there.

Ethan: So you want us to let you off the hook. Tough. We are so sorry that you, a white male are getting crap from other white people. Take it on the chin like we have our entire lives. You don’t hear us complaining about it.

Marcel: You run the league, we work for the Griswold’s. We all have our jobs to do. Now go do yours and we’ll do ours. Let the world think we are stupid, we all graduated from one of the most decorated institutions on the planet and even that hasn’t changed anyone’s opinion of us. If the higher ups in this league can’t take the heat, that’s not our problem. Learn to live with it. Last time I checked, we had a match to prepare for.

Section Z

The funny thing about a blood bath is that it tends to get very messy

Luckily for us today, we are in space. Not exactly an arena that is good with showing stains. Lucky for the space, not so lucky for our opponents.

Not that we didn’t lose some people out there today too, because we did. It just always seems a touch better when at the end of the fight, you happen to be the guy with the W in your corner.

Let’s start from the beginning, it’s the cleanest way to do this. As you can probably tell by now, I survived. In fact, I didn’t do a whole lot today other then take in enough of the match to relay this back to you. I suppose lucky for me and also, now, lucky for you.

It all started with a bang. Given, being in space and all, nobody heard anything. Though I suspect, that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

The illustrious Silver Surfer might only be a Black Lantern, but I can tell you, it sure hasn’t slowed him down any. He came rushing out of the gate like he had something to prove and baby, prove his might he did. The first to come out on the wrong end was those Droid Fighter ships, both of them we gone so quickly that it’s kind of like they weren’t even part of the match. Which for all intensive purposes, they weren’t.

Next on his hit list were The Shining Force. Now given, they are not exactly a space power house, but my Zeus, were they over-matched in this one. It was enough for me to turn my head just out of respect. That poor DOS. He’s a smart guy too. He didn’t deserve anything like that. Stephanie on the other hand, well, she had it coming.

Not that Silver Surfer was the only judge out there dolling out punishment, far from it. That Onslaught, boy oh boy does that guy have it going on. He comes out there, acting like he owns the joint. And boy, own the joint he surely did. That young girl is talented, I can personally attest to that one. Given, she can sometimes be too powerful for her own good, but for the most part, she can handle herself. Unfortunately though, this was not one of those times. Ariella lasted about seven seconds with that guy, which honestly, is six seconds longer then she should have. She put up a decent fight considering. In the end though, that crazy mutant showed everyone who truly runs the Nut-busters.

There’s s saying I heard somewhere, not sure where, but it goes something like this, “Vampires and the Sun, not best friends”. Okay, so maybe it’s not exactly a saying, but it sure as heck is the truth. Those vamps didn’t exactly stand much of a chance out there today, evidenced by the fact that they all lasted about as long as it took me to notice them. I guess immortality isn’t what it used to be.

Not that they were the only ones who fell victim to the sun today because trust me, they weren’t. Those Go-Bot’s along with the Skrull’s didn’t last long either. Not that the sun itself can kill them but when the source of the sun is coming from Apollo, well let’s just say, it’s amazing how many different creatures are allergic to that particular source of sunlight.

Speaking of allergic, that Earl Butz man, if there was an allergy to good sense then he’d have it. Now, it’s not like he had any chance of surviving this match to begin with but to take on Zombie Thanos with nothing other than a porn star and a James Bond villain when you have somebody like Ion on your side, well, let’s say it’s not good sense. The only good thing to come out of it was it finally started something that didn’t stop until this thing came to an end.

Once Thanos finished off with the old timer, he went directly after that crazy Green Entity. This naturally tipped off a fight that involved every ring wielder in the match. Ion is strong, a real strong guy or thing, whatever it is, just not strong enough to take on everyone from Thanos to Nova. Not that it stopped there. Nova was blindsided, a great movie by the way. Man I’ll you what, that Sandra Bullock sure can act. Where was I, oh yeah, Nova. That Nova is one tough dude, tough enough to take out Cyborg Superman right after Ion. A good fight for sure but the Cyborg Supes just didn’t have what it took to take out the Herald of Galactus.

On the other hand, three kills in a row just wasn’t in the cards for him as the entire Phoenix Force crew made quick work of him. That wasn’t all for the Phoenix crew though. They immediately went after Thanos and Ras Al Ghul. Though Cyclops and Magik fell in the fight, Colossus and Emma Frost were just too much for the Zombie and the Ghul.

At the same time not too far away, another fight was getting hot and heavy and I am not just saying that because Apollo was heating it up for everyone involved. Apollo, who doesn’t normally play well with others was teaming up with the Spectre, who seemed to work pretty well together. That Riddick guy who is normally pretty resourceful, didn’t seem to be able to hold his own, even while he was flying in that Arwing. What a great ship that Arwing is. I remember playing Starfox with a buddy of mine on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System back when I was in college. What a great game. Now I may not have actually gone to college or ever played Starfox but I sure as heck love that ship.

You know what that ship doesn’t love, it doesn’t love being attacked by a god and well, another god. After Riddick went bye bye they didn’t stop there. The Star Sapphire should have probably joined her friends in the earlier fight because she sure shouldn’t have been involved in this one. Not her finest hour. Lucky for her though, or should I say her team, the Circle of Fire crew came out to defend her honor. The three of them combining their power is a sight to behold. They killed Apollo with that power, which I never saw coming and even though they all lost their lives in the process, I’d say it was a fair price for them to pay.

Which finally brings us to the end of this melee. Remember that Onslaught guy, Colossus and Emma Frost sure did if only for a brief moment before their lives were forever ended. Might I just say that it was an honor to be on the same team as them, a true honor. I really don’t like saying goodbye to so many friends all the time. Being immortal myself, I have had the opportunity too many times in my day. This is not the time nor the place to get misty-eyed though, so I will power on through.

At this point in the match, I figured it would be pretty straight forward. No more surprises to come my way, but I’ll tell you what man, that Nutbuster’s crew from earth sure surprised me. As far as I knew, they were just a group of working class dudes from the U.S. but from what I saw today, they sure do have some firepower behind them. They were in some sort of makeshift space ship, never seen it before but man did it pack a punch. They also had some sort of weapon at their disposal, one that easily took out that great rock and roll band from the 80’s that I really loved and two dudes that I am still not quite sure who they were. I did hear them talk about Tim Robbins for some reason before they died though.

That Tim Robbins man, you guys ever see the movie Shawshank Redemption? What a great movie. That one scene where he crawled through that sewer of feces in those real nice shoes only to come out on the other side smelling like roses. Man what a great flick. Morgan Freeman really got me in that one. Tewantnejo man, never forget that one.

Where was I, oh yeah, Tim Robbins man. What a great actor. Also that weird spaceship. Those guys really came out for this one. They were sending blasts at the Surfer and the Spectre and it really seemed to have some sort of effect. Onslaught got in on the action as well. All those guys were just going at it, though in the end, I think their ship just couldn’t hold up against such heavy weight champs. It blew up from one of the Surfer’s attacks, which I mean, it’s the Surfer. No reason to feel shame about that one.

That only left the big guns. When I say big guns I really mean it. These guys really know how to bring it. That Onslaught sure doesn’t go down quietly. He was moving in and out of time, confusing the hell out of the Surfer. That dude didn’t know what was going on. So much so that at one point, the Surfer was there and then he wasn’t. Onslaught just pulled that ring right off of his hand like he was taking back a wedding proposal and just like that, no more Silver Surfer. Luckily for me though, the Spectre did some trippy space time thing and literally separated the mutant right in half. For a second there, I was just waiting for him to come right back, like nothing had happened. Thank Zeus though he didn’t.

That just left me alone with my buddy the Spectre, who didn’t seem too pleased with my lack of effort in the match, but I know he was just messing with me. I mean, come on man, you won the match. Nothing to be upset with when a victory is involved.

So I guess that was it. Week three is already over with. How wild is that. We lost some good guys out there today but we have the W to show for it, so it was worth it. Anyways, I had a blast out there today. Can’t wait to fight one of these things again next week.