Saturday, April 23, 2011

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George Washington's Slaves Vs. Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies Vs. Le' Napoleon Brigade

George Washington's Slaves are Sandworm #15-20, Starship Trooper #1-9, Ancient Ginaz Swordsmen #7, & Doozer #14.

Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family are Nathan Bridger, Lucas Wolenczak, Dr. Westphalen, Commander John Ford, Lt. Benjamin Krieg, Chief Manilow Corker, Tim O'Neil, Lt. James Brody, Dagwood, Anthony Pickolo, Tug Speedman, Kirk Lazarus, Jeff Portnoy, Alpa Chino, Kevin Sandusky, Sam Whitwicky, Dick Trickle, Silicon Valerie, The Peach, Assassin X, Major Maxim, Natalie Kassel, J.C., Secret Agent Zero, Deuce, Ookla the Mok, Balrog #2, Col. Guy Gardner, Red, Storm Trooper #49, Aerial Clone Trooper Captain #, Aerial Clone Trooper #1-6, Ewok #52-57, Fremen #64-69. & Brachiosaur #10.

Le' Napoleon Brigade is Storm Trooper #52-80, Velociraptor #31-48, Army Soldier #101-118, & Lala.

Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies are Sandworm #1-5, Graboid #1, King Leonidas, Ginaz Swordsmen #10, Moon Knight, & Al Queada Terrorist #1-20.


Before this match begins we have a brief press conference with The Commissioner himself: Head Watcher, Chief Evangelist, and President of The Fantasy Fantasy League: Joshatu.

"This is Brit Hume from Fox News here to cover recent unfolding events regarding Joshatu's bold new match combining initiative. You may not think that this is big news, or something that we should be covering, but with President Obama keeping us out of the loop; and not allowing us to cover any real news stories we have to do something... I mean, after all we gotta eat too". Brit Hume continues by taking the first question: "Joshatu, this is a strange way of going about the witnessing of this week's matches by combining two of the battles, would you be alright with it if one of the other Watchers were to do something similar to this? I mean what if Mikeatu decided that he wanted to pull a stunt like this? Joshatu says: "I would appreciate it if you would refer to me as Mr. Commissioner, my friends and equals call me Joshatu and I'm basically to good for both of those things". Brit Hume comes back: "My apologies Mr. Commissioner, but would you care to answer the question now"? "I don't really care if I answer it or not to tell you the truth, but I will anyway. First off, I believe you mentioned Mikeatu, I would be surprised if he could even handle such a job. It's pretty obvious that one match a week is kicking his butt; but no I would not approve of the other Watchers combining matches, my job is to make the rules, their job is to follow them". replies The Commish. Sean Hannity chimes in next with: "Hmmm, that's an interesting thing to say about a Watcher who has contributed for two seasons now full time. If you had such a problem with your fellow Watchers than why did you make a big deal at the end of last season about bringing in Chrisatu"? Joshatu responds: "Hang on a second. By me saying that a watcher isn't as capable as me is not a negative criticism, I mean it is obvious that no one is as capable as me. Besides, I have more important things to talk about than the other watchers, if there was going to be a press conference about the lesser watchers than I would probably make one of them, or somebody else that actually cares hold it. I am sure I have a cosmic closet that needs to be cleaned out somewhere. As for Chrisatu, I brought him on because I needed someone to take the pressure off of the fans. I think they might have been overly entertained by my matches and we needed to kick it down a notch". The Press Room becomes a bit disheveled after these rude remarks when Bill O'Reilly step up to the microphone: "Mr. Commissioner, how do you feel about the fans who have been publicly saying how much they miss Nickatu"? Josh says: “Hmm. Idiots, all of em. They can keep on missing him. I fired that guy for a reason. When ya suck ya suck. Next Question”. Dennis Miller chimes in with “Listen babe. this ain’t what they’re sayin out on the street. And I don’t know why you had to go out and bring in two new great watchers this year if it wasn’t Nickatu that left you like you were a fattened up K-Fed beggin Brittany for the keys to The Ferrari. I mean that stories got more holes in it than Julius Caesar’s toga”. Joshatu is visibly annoyed as he answers with: “Listen Miller, I already told you why I brought on Chrisatu, and I brought on Griffatu cause he has been bugging me to get back into the league since he left in year one and I just finally got sick of all the whining”. Greta Van Sustern asks the next question: “Well, Mr. Commissioner, you can’t deny that bringing on these other Watchers hasn’t worked out. The new watchers are definitely getting a foothold in the league and look how well Bryatu has done since you brought him in Year 2. Do you have any comments about him”? Josh retorts: “Who”? Greta comes back with: “Bryatu, he was only considered by many to be the best Watcher of last season, and he’s been Watching for the league ever since the beginning of year 2”. Josh replies: “Hmm, never heard of him”. Greta walks away flustered when Allan Combs comes to the microphone. “Mr. Commissioner, is it true that you are pretending to be upset about the lagging of the site, because you are actually just jealous that Ryatu is posting pictures and songs along with his matches and that you simply don’t know how to do that”. The Commish retorts: “That’s ridiculous. I don’t care what Ryatu does with his matches, and of course I know how to do that, I just choose not to. If he feels like he needs to post a bunch of garbage along with his matches, just to keep up with my skills than so be it. The truth is though, I have more important things to do right now than talk about people that nobody cares about, so the long story short of it all is as follows: I combined two matches this week. Nobody else is allowed to do that. Why? You ask? Because I make the rules and you deal with what I have to say and just be lucky that I let you all be a part of the masterful art form known as The Fantasy Fantasy League. Peace Out losers”.

The match begins with members of all four teams scrambling like mad at the sight of Sandworm #4 blasting out of The Geonosis dunes and coming down hard with an open mouth full of future crysknives ready to devour all who dare disgrace his dunes. In this opening attack Kevin Sandusky, Alpa Chino, Secret Agent Zero, J.C., Jeff Portnoy, Kirk Lazarus, Deuce, Starship Trooper #6, Velociraptors #32, 35, 40, 41, & 48, Army Soldiers #105, 108-111, & 117, and Terrorist #5, 9, & 16 are all killed. King Leonidas leads his team into a small rock cave outcropping. Although, it is not just his team that follows him. Every member of all four teams who can make it into the cave rush over there for safety. Once inside, the teams do not even attempt to do battle with one another. There is only one thing out there that they all fear, and it is not each other. They watch as the enormous Brachiosaurus, that was brought by The Layander’s crew is totally dwarfed and then easily ripped apart by the looming Sandworm #17. The Velociraptors are out in the center of the open desert doing battle with Graboid #1, when the pack hunters begin to get an upper hand on their prehistoric counterpart despite losing several of their pack to the super strong tentacles of the Graboid. The raptors would have more than likely won the skirmish, but before they could Sandworm #18 did them in. Balrog #2 attempts to engage in epic battle with Sandworm #2 as it comes crashing out of the sands, but the mystical whip of the balrog does very little to hinder let alone damage Shai Halud. The Balrog ‘s fire is quelled within the belly of the massive worm. Ookla the Mok gets tired of just standing around and not fighting, so he decides to get rowdy and “start a riot in this cave” unfortunately for him he finds out that he doesn’t run this and is killed by the swords of Ginaz Swordsmen #10 and Ancient Ginaz Swordsmen #7, who are not even on the same team, but have been conversing about the wonders of Ginaz ever since they have been in the cave. Col. Guy Gardner, Lala, and Nathan Bridger sit down together and come to the realization that there are quit a few dudes in this cave who are soldiers trained to do nothing more than die for their cause. They figure that although it is a long shot, maybe if they were sent out into the dunes that they could do some damage against the worms and maybe make a breakthrough in this seemingly doomed fight. Lala stands up on a rock (making her about four feet tall) and speaks to the gathering of teams. She eloquently explains that they must make a play for greatness and that they must attempt to destroy these worms or be doomed to hide in this cave forever. The troopers are easily riled and begin to head out for glory on the battlefield. All of the Storm Troopers from The Brigade and The Kitties join together behind the aerial team, along with the Army Soldiers and Ewoks. The Ancient Ginaz Swordsmen from The Slaves leads their crew of Starship Troopers, who genuinely think that they are going to be able to tell the difference between their six worms and The Murderflies five. Doozer #14 gets stepped on in the process. King (and Head Coach) Leonidas attempts to tell his terrorists that the Sandworms are on their team and that them destroying everything is a good thing, but he just shrugs his shoulders when they decide to go kill the worms for Allah. Surprisingly enough, Lala’s speech was powerful enough to enlist Major Maxim, Col. Guy Gardner, Lt. Benjamin Krieg, Chief Manilow Corker, and Natalie Kassle to join in the battle as well. This move actually works to kill many more sandworms than I as the all-knowing watcher thought it could. The sloppy walking of this mass of people causes the alarming of so many sandworms that once they are all called to the area, infighting begins between them. Sandworms #2, 4, 15, 17, and 18 are all killed when the massive beasts all started colliding with each other. All who were foolish enough to join the charge were killed as an afterthought. The Fremen begin to tell tales of how Sandworms have been killed in the past and they then speak of how foolhardy those soldiers were for attempting to battle with Shai Halud. The Fremen decide that although they do not pretend to be able to defeat the great worms that they are no longer safe in the cave. They tell everyone else that they do have the knowledge and ability to ride on sandworms and that they may even be able to take a few people with them. No person in the cave takes them up on the offer as they all believe that the cave is by far the safest place to be. The Fremen then set a thumper just outside the cave and begin to wait. The thumper summons Sandworm #5 and the Fremen quickly use their hooks to climb up the side of the worm and ride off into the distance. Some of the people in the cave begin to doubt their choice and wish that they had gone with the Fremen. The Fremen ride on the worm for many miles and get far away from the battle, but by the time the worm finally stops about ninety miles away from the cave, all six Fremen have already fallen to their deaths. Lala, King Leonidas, Ginaz Swordsmen #10, Moon Knight, the remaining Sequest crew members The Peach, and Assassin X begin to talk about how they should probably begin battling with each other. They realize that the cave they have chosen is going to keep them safe from the sandworms for as long as they need it to, but that they still do all have a match to fight and that they should begin at some point. They all just wish to conduct the match in a fair and honorable way due to the fact that they have all earned the respect of one another since their time together in the cave. King Leonidas and Lala develop a plan where four corners of the cave can be sectioned off and a time limit be set before the battle within the battle begins. Several other come up with worthwhile additions to the rules when all of the sudden dust and small rocks begin to fall from the cave’s ceiling. They do not realize that Sandworm #1, the king of all the worms; who has only gotten bigger and bigger since he was drafted in Season One has landed on top of the cave and is crushing it with its mammoth underbelly. It only takes moments for the cave to collapse and for all of its inhabitants to be killed. The worms continue to in-fight with each other, but I, the all-powerful watcher decide to stop the match before more worms are killed due to the fact that...
BROCK SAMPSON’S FIGHTING MURDERFLIES AND GEORGE WASHINGTON’S SLAVES ARE VICTORIOUS!!

12 comments:

Josh the Commish said...

Murderflies: Sandworm #1, 3, & 5 Survive.

Slaves: Sandworm #16, 19, & 20 survive.

Brigade: All Dead

Kitties: All Dead

Krisatu said...

As to Josh's slanderous comments toward my watcher style I have the following to say.

Josh is just mad that I made Jen Linley more interesting than he could ever remotley think of making her. Jealousy is a cruel mistress Commissh. Maybe one day you'll be able to make a character shine as I did for Jen, but I guess we'll have to wait until next season to find out.

Also, you're short.

Ryan said...

Weak Krisatu. Take your lumps like a man.

Krisatu said...

What a surprise. Ryatu rushes to the commish's side at the first hint of criticism.

Keep drinking that kool-aide puppet, keep drinking.

Ryan said...

The first sign of criticism?? You're ridiculous. I'm surprised you didn't hold your own press conference to retort to Joshatu harsh remarks. But then again, I'm guessing you tried to, but you most likely shorted out all of the networks' microphones with your excessive crying.

Joshatu is drunk with power. Period. But that doesn't change the fact that you, Krisatu, will undoubtedly continue your bickering with anyone who dares to have an opinion on anything you post.

With that said, you've been doing a fine job this year and I'm confident that your work will continue to grow and become more in depth with all aspects and genres presented here in the FFL.

Josh the Commish said...

Now now boys... We shouldn't fight amongst ourselves. If you don't cut it out I'm going to dock your paychecks next week... Oh that's right, we don't get paid for this. You guys are both doing a great job. As are Bryan, Mike, and Griffin...

P.S. Nickatu, you are still fired.

Ryan said...

Hahaha. I just spit Kool-Aid out of my nose.

gryfflin said...

hold up we arn't goint to get paid for this?

Krisatu said...

First off, I told you about my microphone shorting problems in confidence. I'll never again trust your secret keeping abilities.

Second, it's a documented fact that I'm like Beetlejuice. All I need is the slightest mention of my name, and my attention-whore powers kick into overdrive.

So, in summation. Me, me, me. Me.

Memememe.


Me.

Ryan said...

Always with the need for the last word this one is.

But, to be honest, that was pretty damn funny Krisatu.

Chris Farley said...

YOU GUYS ARE A RIOT!! I just got my thing stuck in my zipper and piss all over my pants.

Krisatu said...

Funny is pretty much what I do.

It is my gift, it is my curse. Like a menstrual cycle.