Season Five: Week 9: Beckerman's Backyardigan's Beeyotches vs TEAM

Beckerman's Backyardigans Beeyotches are The Chaos King, Zombie Superman, Black Zarak, Hermione Granger and & Ewok #48.

TEAM is Jedi Knight #38B-40B, Goldbug, Bumblebee, Zistar Flamgag, Lightening McQueen, Tow Mater, Duke Nukem, Edward Cullen and Bella Cullen.

The room was dark without a hint of movement. Silence filled the air while several people slept soundly on their respective beds. The dark room had only the slightest smell of sin to it but there was nothing odd about the place to tell the story behind it. Slowly though, there was a small steady movement around the walls, giving the illusion that maybe something wasn't quite right. An unsettling feeling came over the place but there was nothing firm to give any real basis for the fear. The room then fell silent again until there was another quick movement towards the side of one of the beds. A whisper was heard, "I'm six months pregnant, watch me whilst...What the Hell!” Then nothing until the shadow along the wall moved again until it was no longer present. The room once more fell back into silence and eventually, hours later the room came alive again, only this time it was with the movement of the people waking up for the day.

As a small girl Hermione Granger traveled across Europe and other parts of the world with her Muggle parents. She so very much loved the thrill of coming to a new place, so when the young witch heard that they were to be fighting in New York city this week, she begged Mr. Beckerman to start her.

EARLIER…

Hermione: Please Mr. Beckerman, I know you do not find any pleasure in starting me during a match but I've always wanted to visit New York City.

Mr. Beckerman: I like having you around the office too much to start you Hermione. This place would fall apart if you weren't here.

Hermione: Well that may be true but I can't imagine one more match this year is going to displace the peace too much.

Mr. Beckerman: Well, I suppose I could make the exception one more time.

Hermione: Oh Mr. Beckerman...

Mr. Beckerman: Under one condition of course.

Hermione: Oh god (under her breathe). Yes, what is it?

Mr. Beckerman just smiles and says, "How about a little Men at Work?"

Hermione: Are you asking me if I'd like to go to a place down under?

Mr. Beckerman continues to smile as he looks across the table at the witch.

Hermione: Fine, you men are all the same. You do realize that this never means anything to me.

Mr. Beckerman: What? Are you saying something?

Hermione just shook her head in disgust, not quite sure if it was in regards to Mr. Beckerman or herself, either way, Mr. Beckerman couldn’t care less.

So after a simple conversation with Mr. Beckerman, Hermione was having her wish fulfilled as she was finally getting to visit the big apple. She walked into the Yankee Stadium with Zombie Superman and Ewok #48 in tow. Hermione looked at both of her teammates with complete disgust as the zombified Superman smelled and looked utterly awful, but not quite as awful as Ewok #48.

Hermione: I do not mean to be cross with you two but would it be too much to ask for you to at least bathe before battle. The newly renovated showers in the east hall have made it so there is no longer a reason to ever miss a shower. I know this of course because I am the one who implemented the plans to have such a wondrous system in place...

Hermione continued to talk to herself as both Zombie Superman and Ewok #48 went off into separate directions, away from the young witch.

Hermione: Well fine then, I suppose it's just too much for you two to understand. (She pauses for just a moment and then quietly says to herself)  I swear I don't remember the other Ewok's smelling that bad, if I wasn't so sure of the roster this week I would say he was a zombie himself.

Lord Chaos was all around the billion-dollar stadium, never staying in once place for more then a moment. Black Zarak on the other hand was nowhere to be found, which is odd since he is about the size of the Upper East Side.

On the other side of the stadium, TEAM's members quickly run out of the gate, very excited to get into the match. Most of them are not used to playing, so there is a positive energy in the air that is contagious. That is of course until the sullen ones enter the field. Despite the Cullen's love for baseball, Edward and Bella don't seem to even notice their surroundings. They just walk out of the dugout hand in hand, staring at each other’s beauty.

Edward: You are a vampire Bella.

Bella: You are a vampire too Edward. I can't believe how much I am in love with you.

Edward: If you left for even a second I don't know how I could live without you.

Bella: It would be the end of me as well. Your beautiful white skin makes me ravenous inside. I could think about your beauty all day.

Edward: Not as much as I could think about you. I didn't think you could become anymore beautiful then you were as a human but your skin is just so luminous in its whiteness.

Bella: We have a baby and I am a vampire.

Edward: I will protect you until the end of time you clumsy fool.

Bella: Oh Edward.

Edward: Oh my Bella.

Bella and Edward: We made Reneesme.

Jedi Knight #38B: Oh my god, please shut the f#$% up! I would seriously rather deep throat my lightsaber then listen to you guys talk anymore about each other.

Bella: Looks like somebody’s never been in love.

Edward: Nobody has ever been in love like we have. We made a baby.

Bella: We are both vampires like Esme and Alice.

Edward: You are a Cullen now. A Vampire who is a vegetarian even though we still technically eat meat.

Duke Nukem gives Jedi Knight #38B a look and the Jedi just gives him a look of resignation.

Duke Nukem: Come get some!

Duke then shoots his shrink ray at both Cullen’s and makes them smaller then your average mouse.

Bella: (In a high pitched voice) I love you more then the sun is bright. I’ll never stop thinking about your topaz eyes.

Edward: (In a high pitched voice as well) We made a baby.

Duke Nukem then walks over to the two tiny vampires and crushes them with his mighty boot. He then drops a pipe bomb on top of them and doesn't turn around when it explodes.

Duke Nukem: Ooh, that's gotta hurt.

Tow Mater: Hey yall, can we start fighting the other side before we completely kill each other?

Duke Nukem: Don't have time to play with myself.

Jedi Knight #40B: Huh, I can always find time for that.

The air was stale as the Endorian creatures slept. Darkness overtook the room as usual but on this night, there was a slight difference. Movement came across the dark shadows of the room and then they abruptly stopped. "Wake up." Nothing happened at first and then an Ewok awoke out of a deep sleep. "You still want the shit?" A slightly groggy "Yub yub" is heard, quickly followed by a "Shut the F#$% up! Seriously, don't say another word and just follow me". The still half asleep Ewok got out of bed and followed the shadowy figure through the darkness of the room and out into the nothingness of the night.

Jedi Knight #39B: Hell yeah Duke, now lets finally do our team proud for once this year.

Every member of TEAM took off towards the three visible members of the Backyardigans with such force and excitement that is was difficult not to feel the inspiration coercing through their veins. Instantly Ewok #48 ducked back into the dug out, making sure he was out of sight. Zombie Superman welcomed the incoming combatants, as he was craving some brains. Hermione Granger cast a spell that sent Lightening McQueen after Tow Mater, which immediately made Duke Nukem unload his Devastater at McQueen. Before the sports car was able to react, he was blown to smithereens by the machosistic pig.

Zistar Flamgag: Could we not kill each other you guys? We're not even making this a match for them.

Zombie Superman: Braiiinnnnnsssss!!!

Jedi Knight #40B: I am so sick of Zombie's saying Brains. You never here any of us saying Ham and Cheese Saaaannndddwichessssss!

As the Jedi Knight says this he is blasted with Zombie Superman’s heat vision and is quickly eaten alive by the undead kryptonian.

Zombie Superman: Ham and Cheese Saaannnndddwichesssss!

Jedi Knight #38B: Huh, who knew that a zombie could have a sense of humor.

Hermione: I did actually, because as the Backyardigans...

Zistar Flamgag: Please spare us your exposition Ms. Granger.

Hermione: Well I never...

Zistar then force pushed the witch into the bullpen, which instantly knocked her out.

Zistar: I think it's time for some style on this field.

Duke Nukem: It's tornado time.

Zistar Flamgag then creates the most magnificent force tornado this side of the Mississippi and sends it towards Hermione. As the tornado targets the witch though, out of nowhere, the walls around the bullpen where she is lying unconscious close around her, blocking her from certain death.

Duke Nukem: What the hell?

Zistar Flamgag: Huh, that's odd.

As the Ewok followed the mysterious figure he was wondering what he was getting himself into. As the darkness continued to overwhelm him, he eventually gave his trust over to the person who he knew wasn’t exactly on the up and up. With that being said though, if what he was promised was true, it was unequivocally going to be worth it. As he followed the shadow into the small room he stopped as he assumed this was where his fix was going to come. He was told to sit down on what seemed like a toilet. Normally this would seem odd but the high he was promised was to be so extreme that he was willing to put his life on the line for it. As the shadowy figure continued to fidget around the small room, the Ewok just sat there patiently, waiting for what he expected to be the most pleasurable moment of his life. His anticipation was immense but as soon as he heard the voice say, "Take a hit of this shit" he knew he had made the correct choice. He took a hit of the shit and he instantly was on cloud nine. He had read rock star autobiography's that talked about high's this good, but he never dreamed of ever attaining it for himself. As he sat there on the toilet he wondered if his life would ever be this good again. The pleasure overtook every sense in his dimwitted mind. He just sat there in the bathroom waiting for his next instruction but as time went on he realized he was by himself. Twenty minutes must have gone by and he was beginning to worry about his decision. After the high wore off he started to wonder what he was going to do. He was still hoping against hope that his mystery dealer would come back and give him one more hit but the realization of the situation began to overtake him. He started to understand what he had gotten himself into but by the time this happened, he felt the blow to his head. The first blow was a shock but the next five came in such rapid succession that they stopped being surprising and almost became expected. It wasn't long before he lost conscienceness and started to bleed out. The voice in the background became the only voice in the area and by this time the only thing the voice said was, "Time to finish this thing off."

Jedi Knight #39B: What the hell was that? Why the hell would the stadium protect her like that?

The Chaos King: Did it ever occur to you that maybe you weren't in Yankee Stadium to begin with?

Jedi Knight #39B: Why would that ever occur to me...Oh F#$%.

As the realization of this overcomes the TEAM members, Yankee Stadium begins to close up around every single member of TEAM. The ground begins to crumble under both Jedi Knights and the outfield walls literally begin to attack Duke Nukem as he starts to shoot everything he has at them. Tow Mater was the first to fall victim to the stadium as the left field upper deck crushed him to death. Zistar Flamgag has tried to conjure up another force tornado but before he is able to, he finds himself being suffocated to death by an unknown force in the middle on the infield.

The Chaos King laughs as he toys with the fake Jedi and watches him eventually take his last breathe. He looks around finds Goldbug who is trying to outrun the infield grounds, which are falling into nothingness. He hopes that he is fast enough to escape the implosion of the grass and right after the concept car believes he is in the clear, he picks him up and crushes him without a seconds thought. Bumblebee sees this happen and heads back towards the dugout. He narrowly escapes the destruction and manages to find shelter in the quickly crumbling stadium.

Jedi Knight #38B: What the hell is going on here?

Jedi Knight #39B: I don't know but why isn't the stadium going after them? It's like...

Ewok #48: It's like it's alive?

Both Jedi's are stunned by hearing an Ewok actually speak English (or basic) instead of its usually endorian language.

Jedi Knight #39B: You're saying the stadium is alive and you guys managed to recruit it for your own doing?

Ewok #48: No, I'm saying this isn't the stadium at all.

Jedi Knight #38B: Oh really? First we have an Ewok who can actually talk to us and now a stadium is not only alive but it's on your side?

Ewok #48: Well, not exactly.

Jedi Knight #38B: Wait, which part?

"Oh my god I had no idea their skin was this tough." As the shadow continues to cut away at the now dead Ewok, he is starting to wonder how long this was going to take. He had been slicing away at the flesh for over an hour now and he still did not have what he needed. It was lucky for him that nobody on his team suspected a thing or else this could have been a disaster. After another twenty minutes or so went by he finally had what he wanted and began to carefully set the scene for his crime. He tucked the skin suit away very carefully and then placed his flamethrower underneath the bloody body of the Ewok. He covered the ground in as many drugs as he had brought and turned the flamethrower on. The bathroom quickly became an inferno (Argento Style) and before he knew it the bloody, skinless body of the Ewok was engulfed in flames. He only had seconds to add the finishing touch to his masterpiece but as he took off, he gently set a crusted up Kleenex in the corner of the bathroom, a corner that he knew would be safe from the fire. He knew that there was going to be an investigation and although this evidence might be convenient, he understood that his team was going to be more then willing to pin this on Ryan. As the shadowy figure walked away from the scene holding the skin suit of Ewok #48 he laughed, saying "burn in hell Ryan, burn in hell you stupid son of a bitch."

Ewok #48 then walked out of the dugout, only it wasn't just an Ewok. As the small supposedly Endorian creature walked towards the two trapped Jedi Knights he began to tear off his fur and before the Knight knew what to do with themselves they realized what, or I should say who they were actually looking at.

Jedi Knight #39B: It can't be, you died.

Jedi Knight #38B: You piece of s#$#!

Pablo: That's right boys, don't believe everything you read in the papers because not only didn't I go anywhere, I've been right where I've wanted to be this entire time...right up your f#$#ing ass!

Pablo then unleashes his flamethrower on the two Jedi's and he stands there in triumph and laughs as he watches them burn to death in the crumbling outfield.

Pablo: I'd like to say I'm back but that'd be understating the point.

Just then a now free from the outfield bleachers Duke Nukem unleashed his full arsenal on Pablo but before he landed a bullet on the sadistic penguin, Zombie Superman flew in front of the penguin and took in the full blast of his offering.

Duke Nukem: Hey Clark, you look hot, looks like you need to chill, chill chill.

Duke Nukem then empties his entire freeze gun on the zombie kryptonian, freezing him in his exact defensive stance.

Duke Nukem then looks directly at him, smirks and says, "Come Get Some" and fires one missile at him and blows the zombified Clark Kent into a million pieces. He then turns to Pablo who is staring back in him disbelief and says, "What you waiting for, Christmas?"

Hermione Granger: No Mr. Nukem, I believe that's already passed.

Duke Nukem then turns around to look at Hermione and says,  "Ooh, shake em baby. Show me some sugar."

Hermione Granger: I would be glad to.

Hermione then stuns the muscle bound walking erection as Pablo rushes up to him and unloads the last of his flamethrower on him. Duke is fully conscience as he burns to death under the stunning spell of Ms. Granger.

Hermione looks over at Pablo and not only can't believe her eyes but will never likely forgive herself for being glad to see the sadistic penguin. She looks at him with a sense of gratitude and a huge smile on her face.

Hermione: I can't believe I am going to say this but I am very happy to see you again.

Pablo: Oh I bet you are, your reputation has only grown since I went into hiding. Speaking of grown, you should see my...

Hermione: I only say this because you have no idea what a headache the last couples of months have been. Vader has been so distracted since your supposed demise; it's been almost impossible to get him to concentrate on anything else. I am glad you are alright though, we are going to need your...skill set in the upcoming playoff run.

Pablo: Skill set? Just come out and say it, you need yourself some penguin.

Hermione: Interspecies cohabitating is out of the question. I've stooped to levels that I never quite imagined I would have over the last couple of months, but I must draw the line somewhere.

Pablo: We'll see about that.

Hermione gives a smile and blushes a little but not before Bumblebee crashes out through the dugout and sends a shot directly towards the penguin. Hermione blocks the shot with a defensive spell and before the yellow car is able to do anything else, he is pinned back down to the ground.

Bumblebee: Wait, wait one second. Just let me know.

Hermione: Just let you know what?

Bumblebee: How did you turn the Stadium into a weapon? How did you make it work for you as well as you did?

Hermione: CK? Would you like the floor on this one?

Out of nowhere The Chaos King appeared and in an instant he grabbed Bumblebee and flew him in the air several hundred feet above the stadium.

The Chaos King: Do you notice something odd?

Bumblebee: No, what?

The Chaos King: Look right in front of you. What do you see?

Bumblebee: (In disbelief) I don't believe it.

The Chaos King: Look familiar?

Bumblebee: That's the new Yankee Stadium. It's right across the street. But I thought they tore the old one down three years ago.

The Chaos King: They did.

Bumblebee: Then what is this place?

The Chaos King: Bumblebee, that is your name isn't it?

Bumblebee shakes his head yes.

The Chaos King: Bumblebee, I'd like you to meet my friend, Black Zarak.

As he finishes his sentence he smiles one last time at the Autobot and drops him down to the ground. He lands with a thud, but before he is able to get his wits about him, the ground completely collapses around him and the monstrous transformer that has played as the terrain for them the entire match engulfed him. As Hermione and Pablo leave the Black Zarak Yankee Stadium, Bumblebee is overcome with the power of the transformer, bringing TEAM's most disappointing season ever in the Fantasy Fantasy League to an end.