Season 5, Week 9: Better Than All of You vs. Logical Genocide

“I’m going to f@ck you, bleed you and kill you. . . not necessarily in that order!”

 -Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 9 Match located at the Pontiac Silverdome.  They are as follows:

Better Than All of You: Dark Helmet, Tomax and Xamot with red lightsabers, Nightwing (Lor Zod) and Flame Bird (Thara Ak-Var), Revan, Darth Marr and Darth Voaran.

Logical Genocide: Zombie General Zod, Yellow and Orange Lantern Hal Jordan, Cosmic Spider-Man, Az-Rel, Goro with yellow lantern ring, Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman with flesh rotting disease gun and Centerion #8 (Sue Yerazzov).

Let the battle begin. . .

Section 322-218-118. . .

Goro uses his yellow lantern ring to propel himself across Section 322 and over Section 218.  He lands in Section 118 where he faces Dark Helmet.  The head of the Imperious Forces uses his “Force Grip” to crush the testicles of Goro.  Goro screams in agony as his immense balls pop.  Goro is dazed and falls to the ground.  Dark Helmet slowly walks toward the Mortal Kombatant.  Before Helmet can reach him, Goro uses his yellow lantern ring and throws Helmet across the stadium to Section 132.  Dark Helmet rises to see BL Bryan Beckerman (hereinafter “BLB2”).  BLB2 is sitting down, eating a hotdog (which is still his favorite food-even in his lantern state) and drinking a Mountain Dew slushee. BLB2 places his food on the aisle and rises.

BLB2:  Hey you little f@ck.  How about sucking on my dark helmet!

BLB2 shoots toward Dark Helmet and rips his heart out. A stunned Dark Helmet falls to the ground, dead.

Section 103. . .   

Tomax and Xamot wield their red lightsabers.  The Crimson Twins focus on Centerion #8-Sue Yerrazov. 

Tomax:  After we finish her, how about a little gavel banging brother!

Xamot:  I don’t know about you, but I’m sure I can maintain my objection!

The twins laugh at their witty anecdotes. 

Sue Yerazzov:  I’m sure whatever is in both of your briefs are out of order and deserve only a motion to dismiss!

Tomax:  Dismiss this C8!

Tomax acrobatically spins over two aisles, while Xamot jumps over three seats.  Yerazzov is caught between the two and before she can react, she is sliced in three.  BLB2 sees his teammate being killed two sections over and instantly reacts.  BLB2 flies over to his dearly departed friend.

BLB2:  You will be avenged Sue.  You will be avenged. 

BLB2 unleashes his ring’s powers while also utilizing his flesh rotting disease gun.  Tomax and Xamot are struck by the duo-weaponry-push and die in agony as their flesh falls from their bones.

Press Box. . .

Killing three already, an overconfident BLB2 flies upward, in front of the Press Box.  Darth Marr and Darth Voaran see the character as he floats in front of them.  BLB2 is about to engage the Sith Lords in combat.

Marr:  Seriously?

BLB2 is steadfast.

Marr:  No.  Really.  Seriously?

Voaran smiles at his teammate.

Marr:  Very well.

The Sith Lords use the Force to rip BLB2 from the air.  BLB2 loses his gun and is unable to assert his ring’s powers.  The black lantern is held in place before them.

Voaran ignites his lightsaber and slowly begins to cut the deviant’s ring off. 

BLB2:  I’ll be back motherf@ckers!

BLB2 disintegrates as his ring falls to Section 101 below.

The Sith Lords are victorious in their first battle.  Darth Marr and Darth Voaran are then simultaneously struck by Zombie General Zod and Az-Rel.  The two evenly matched pairs spar with one another- the Force wielders against the Kryptonians.  Darth Marr momentarily gains the upper hand over the zombie and cuts Zombie General Zod’s rotting arm off.   

Zod:  I only need one arm to defeat you!

Az-Rel throws Voaran across the room and comes to the aid of his now one-armed teammate.  The Kryptonian pyrokinetic uses his powers and Marr is set aflame.  Az-Rel then crushes the burning Marr’s skull.  Voaran regains his balance after being struck by Az-Rel and leaps at Zod.  Voaran slices Zod’s other arm off.  Zod is now armless.

Zod:  I don’t need my arms to defeat you!

Voaran:  You need your head though!

Voaran spins through the air and with his lightsaber, lops off the head of Zod.  Az-Rel  and Voaran face one another again to a near standstill. Goro flies across the stadium and catches Voaran from behind.   Goro uses all of his arms to encase the Sith Lord, allowing Az-Rel to use his full Kryptonian strength against Voaran.  The remaining Sith Lord is killed. 

Field. . .

Revan stands on the fifty yard line and both Nightwing and Flamebird fly above the visitor’s forty yard line.  Hal Jordan finally enters the fray.  The ring bearers, Jordan and Goro, face the forty-yard duo.  Goro is eventually killed by Nightwing.  Hal Jordan manages to kill Nightwing, but is battered by Flamebird.  As Flamebird is about to destroy Jordan, Az-Rel sacrifices himself, saving the multi-ringed Jordan.  Jordan, now with the assistance of Cosmic Spiderman, decimates Flamebird.   

Revan:  I will destroy you both!!!

Revan uses his Force-enhanced abilities and actually manages to slice off the rings of Jordan.  Jordan falls to the ground and is about to be struck down when Cosmic Spiderman unleashes a forced fury upon Revan.  Revan is disintegrated.  Cosmic Spiderman looks down at the nearly fingerless Jordan.

Cosmic Spiderman:  What’s with all the loss of limbs today?  Arms.  Fingers. Heads.  Oh my!