Week 9: Sigmas vs. The Sportsball Team Formerly Known As Redskins

 The Sigmas are: Bilbo Baggins, Gollum, Thorin Oakenshield, Dwalin, and a Tree Sentinel.

The Indigenous Peoples of the Oregon Territory are: Yoda w/Dwarf Ring #4

Yoda browses the aisles, seeking a bargain. He picks up a jar of whimsical purple supplements, “anti-stress” according to the packaging. He flips to the back - Ashwagandha root extract. L-Theanine. Lemon balm… once again, no ketamine. He grumbles and returns the container to its place on the shelf. Settling for a lone tube of Bengay, he makes his way to the checkout. As he goes to exit the Dagobah Walgreens, the automatic doors glide apart to reveal a land unfamiliar to him. He turns to find the pharmacy has vanished and nods. “Begun, the final week has.” Across the rolling green hills he sees The Shire, and makes his way toward today’s fated battle.

In The Shire, Gollum paces and crawls what little floor space exists in Bag End. He wheezes to himself as Bilbo, Thorin, and Dwalin do their best to put the creature’s stirring out of mind. “We gets the Vampire Bite… we BITES the fingers, we takes The Precious BACK!” He snaps like a mad dog at the air while he continues to drag himself in all directions. Bilbo can’t help but flinch slightly when he hears the hollow chatter of Gollum’s teeth gnashing. “Thorin, shouldn’t we… I don’t know, stand guard?” Thorin leans back in his seat. “Do not fret, Bilbo, we’ll rest until the fight comes to us. We’ve set a guardsman to watch the road.”

On the path leading into the home of the Hobbits, Yoda conserves his energy with light but measured steps. Hoofbeats sound, and no sooner than they do, a gleaming filigreed blade slices low to the ground. With a backflip, Yoda skims the flat of the halberd, landing on his feet at the rear of the horseman. The Tree Sentinel gallops off before turning back to face the little green man, and begins a second charge. Yoda braces, waiting for the last second, and slides through the dirt between the horse’s legs. His lightsaber, held upright, bisects the beast and the horseman is thrown from its back. Yoda finishes him before he can lift a finger. Upon his death, the beautifully engineered sound effect of an “ENEMY FELLED” rings out.

Thorin is the first to hear the sound of his watchdog’s defeat. He rises from his seat, beckoning the others out the door. They peer into the distant sunset at Yoda’s approaching silhouette. “Stay behind, Mr. Baggins, we’ll make quick work of this one.” The two Dwarves make their way down the road to confront their foe. When they arrive, no time is wasted on words. Despite their numbers, Yoda is the more skilled combatant, and he gracefully weaves between axe blows looking for an opening to seize. Sure enough, like a glowing beacon, Thorin’s flank reveals itself to Yoda and he slices neatly between the Dwarf’s ribs. Thorin, mortally wounded but still breathing, continues to fend off further blows as a rattled Dwalin begins to swing more frantically. Yoda find his next opening more easily and lops off Thorin’s head before turning his full attention to Dwalin. A shriek pierces the thick of the battle, not from Yoda’s terrified foe but from the pitiful bug-eyed cretin who has crept up on the remaining two. Gollum tackles Yoda, and with his festering teeth he liberates the Dwarf Ring along with the green finger that wore it. With a howl of pain, Yoda kicks Gollum from his body before tackling him back, driving his saber into the wretch. He pulls his saber back and turns around, only to see the flash of two hand axes as they finally find their target.