S6W8 - Midgets vs. Horsemen

Fizzatu here, coming at you again in the first person.  In my first year as watcher I have been given the difficult task of writing a former champion each week since week 3.  This week will prove to be my most difficult yet.  I get to write the battle between one of the biggest rivalries in the league, the battle of the two commissioners.  Both teams threw everything at this one so let’s hope I don’t eff this one up too much.  Hang on, here are the two pimp ass sqauds these guys are putting up:

The Horsemen are: Sandworm #14, Sheeana Brugh, Superman, Anti-Monitor, John McClaine (w/ Oscorp Glider), Snowflame, Joker (w/M202A Rocket Launcher), Lord Voldemort (9 Deaths), Michael Myers (9 Deaths.  w/ red lightsaber), Hercules (9 Deaths. w/ Heat Axe), Sersi (9 Deaths), and a Jawa Sand Crawler.

The Midgets are: Alexander the Great and Bucephalus, Emperor Joker, Superboy (Conner Kent), Superboy (Clark Kent), Wolverine (9 Deaths), Space Ghost (9 Deaths), Black Lantern Blip, Boba Fett (w/double bladed red lightsaber) & R2 unit #3 in an A-wing), Salacious B. Crumb, Stilgar, Allia Atreides, Toad (w/ a Yoshii egg), Megalon, Mangy Mouse (w/ indigo Lantern Ring), Black Lantern Ryan Poteracki, Hammer brother Shaun Poteraki, and the Kitchen Sink.

First, before we teleport to The Jundland Wastes for this week’s battle, we will travel in time back about 7 years ago, back when this league only existed in the minds of these two owners.  We watch from above, peering into the living room of Ryan’s apartment back in Novi.  Bud Light bottles scatter the room, along with countless one subject spiral notebooks, and we observe the real life Josh and Ryan deciding on who will make the cut and be on the list of 600 worthy characters who will become the first ones ever drafted in the new Fantasy Fantasy League.  Can everyone see them?  Look how happy they are.  These two put in so many hours in the fall of 2007, cultivating and nurturing this baby together.  It’s hard to believe that in just 6 years this beautiful child of theirs would be the very thing that will fuel their angst for each other.  Josh is getting ready to leave the apartment.  It looks like they are done for the night.

“This is gonna be awesome dude.” Says Josh.

“I know.  Drive safe, we’ll talk tomorrow” Replies Ryan.

“Will do.  Keep your spirit alive.”

Ryan smiles and shakes Josh’s hand.  “Keep your Marvel spirit alive.”

Wow.  Good stuff.  Now let’s teleport these two teams into the match.

Alexander the Great sits atop the mighty Bucephalus and looks toward his troops.  The two suns of Tatooine are beating heavy today.  He delivers the orders given by their team owner Josh Houslander:

“The Horsemen are our ENEMY, make no mistake about it.” Says Alexander.  “ The Brotherhood has yet to defeat The Horsemen and victory is our ONLY option today.  Ryan must be shown the true power of this league and your actions today will show him that our owner is the true and rightful commissioner of this league!”

In the distance, a Jawa Sand Crawler moves into position and stops atop the next dune of sand.  The Horsemen sit inside observing their opponent in the valley below before lowering the hatch on the side.  The characters not capable of flight rush out to meet the Brotherhood below led by 9 death Hercules, a man born to end lives.

“Kill ‘em all!  Show that midget who runs this league!” Screams a blood thirsty Hercules, echoing the passion of his owner.

First to meet their demise is Alia Atreides.  Not even the water of life will save the reverend mother from Hercules’s Heat axe.  Stilgar proves to be a much more worthy adversary, but he too meets his end at the hands of Hercules.  Snowflame is quick to raid the corpses of the two Arrakis natives, knowing their bodies are sure to contain some of the coveted spice mélange.  Cocaine is hard to come by in these parts and that long trek on the sand crawler made him sniff through his supplies rather quickly.  The spice does the trick and Snowflame quickly joins the fight.

Up above, John McClaine is circling in an Oscorp glider but it is quickly dispatched by an energy bolt from Space Ghost.

“Real fucking smart, John!” McClaine screams to himself as the glider begins to spin out of control. “Ryan you are a real asshole.  ‘Come out to Tattoine, we’ll kill a few Midgets, we’ll have a few laughs.’” He says mimicking his last conversation with his team owner.  He manages to fire a few shots from the glider randomly taking out Hammer Brother Shawn Poteracki who is struggling to drag the symbolic kitchen sink through the hot desert sand, thinking it was a real weapon to be used in battle.  McClaine dies in the glider crash also taking out Black Lantern Ryan Poteracki and Sheeana Brugh who were fighting below.  Sheeana’s lifeless body lands on top of BL Ryan who has a piece of shrapnel in his side that has fatally wounded him.  But he isn’t dead yet, and what do you do when a woman is “passed out” on top of you?  Ryan manages to slide his right hand inside her fremen armor and caress her supple left breast.  “Still pretty firm for a chick who is 1500 years old”, Ryan thinks.  Ryan dies smiling as the little blood that remained in his body heads toward his penis causing his other organs to fail.

Salacious B. Crumb is riding along with Megalon, laughing maniacally.  “aaahhh hahahhahaha!” he yells out.  Hercules immediately engages the Giant beast scaling up his back using his heat axe to scale his back like the side of a mountain.  Megalon is firing napalm bombs from his mouth in fury, making the already scorching sand even more unbearable.  The Joker fires back with blasts from his rocket launcher.  Hercules buries his heat axe into Megalon’s scull repeatedly and he suddenly begins to feel himself lift up into the air.  He grabs a hold of the beast tightly and he notices that they are both being levitated by Sersi below.  The beast flails and screams and Sersi does not know her teammate is riding on his back, clutching at his neck.  Boba Fett sees this distraction as an opportunity to take out one of the 9 death combatants for the Horsemen.  He flies straight at the head of his massive teammate and starts to fire at Hercules.  Hercules removes the axe from the back of Megalon and fires it at the A-wing.  Boba Fett is able to eject in time and the A-wing flies into the side of Megalon sending Hercules down to the ground.  Debris from the falling spacecraft lands on The Joker and he manages to get one last decent shot at Megalon before dying.  Fett ignites his lightsaber and as Hercules inhales mouthfuls of hot sand trying to catch his breath, Boba Fett lands on top of him, sending the blade through the top of his skull and sending the mighty Hercules to the graveyard.

Sersi is enraged and releases her grasp on the mammoth beast and Fett’s celebration is shortlived as he, along with Crumb, are crushed by their teammate.  Sersi then runs up to the dying beast and punches out his eye, reaches inside his skull and removes the brain of Megalon.

The ground is still burning as Snowflame is trying to dance around the heat and stay alive.  He sees Mangy Mouse and Blip trying to free the corpse of their tiny friend Salacious B. Crumb out from under the weight of Megalon.  Snowflame sees the opportunity for a couple easy kills.  Using his spice rage, he picks up Mangy Mouse and swings him like a golf club into Blip.  Mangy dies but as Snowflame moves in to crush the little guy, Blip uses his Black Lantern energy to move the flaming sand and it engulfs the two of them until they both do their best Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru impersonation.

Alexander the Great is not amused at the way the match is progressing.  He becomes less amused when he sees the Emperor Joker sitting in the sand, manicuring his nails using a desert rock as an emery board.

“Get out there and do your fucking thing!” Screams Al Dogg the Great.

“In time.” Emperor Joker calmly repiles.  “In time.

In the air, Superman is met by the two Superboys.  Superman flies back toward the ground to lure his enemies toward the sand.  He kicks his cousin Conner and turns his attention toward the younger version of himself.  Wolverine helps Conner to his feet and the two of them see Sersi running to help Superman defeat his younger self.  Without hesitation Conner picks up Wolverine and fires a fastball special at the Eternal sending her to meet Hercules in the Graveyard with one set of blades through her face, and one set buried deep in her chest.

Michael Myers arrives just as Superboy finished throwing Wolverine and ends the life of the young Kryptonian with his Red lightsaber.  He heads toward Wolverine but a hole appears in his chest.  Space Ghost materializes in front of him and sends a second energy bolt toward the head of Myers, ending his FFL reign as well.

“The Tables are turning!” screams Alexander to Emperor Joker.  “Can you do something now?!?”

“In. Time…” He replies annoyed.

“Screw this.”  Says Alexander and he heads into battle himself.

The Anti-Monitor sees the Midget leader rushing toward the fight and moves in.  Space Ghost is quick to join the side of his leader.  Anti-Monitor uses his powers of manipulation to render the power bands on Space Ghost unusable.  In a straight up fight, this is no match.  The Anti-Monitor uses his cosmic powers to literally turn Space Ghost inside out and he falls for the final time.  Lord Voldemort fires a killing curse that misses the Midget leader but does kill Bucephalus.  Alexander scrambles to safety and Toad is there with the Yoshii Egg.

“Here you go captain.” Says toad handing the egg to Alexander the great.

Alexander tosses the egg and Yoshii appears.  Toad give Alexander a boost so he can get on top and they both ride Yoshii back into battle.

Superman is still fighting off his former self.  Superboy is younger and quicker but Superman has more experience and wisdom.  He also knows the weaknesses he had as his younger self.  Superboy manages to get on top of Superman just as the ground begins to rumble.

“It’s about time!” Screams Superman.

As the rumbling gets closer Superman kicks his younger self into the air, right into the gaping maw of Sandworm #14.

Emperor Joker stands up and brushes the sand off.  Alexander and Toad riding atop Yoshii show up.

“Is it ‘Time’ yet?” asks Alexander, sarcastically.

“It is.” Says Emperor Joker.

He soars into the air and possesses the mind of the mighty sandworm.  The Anti-Monitor had moved in to fight Emperor Joker but sets his sights on the Leader of the Midgets, hoping to kill their hopes by killing their leader.  Alexander is holding his own when the Emperor Joker then brings the giant sandworm crashing down on the 4 of them, killing the Anti-Monitor but also the leader of the Midgets, Toad and Yoshii in the process.

“CRUCIO!” Yells Lord Voldemort, firing his wand into the air at Emperor Joker.  This causes him to lose his mental grip on the Sandworm but even in his pain, he turns the entire desert into a lake.  The fall into the water sends Voldemort and Wolverine swimming to safety and Superman uses his heat vision to shoot a hole in the back of the skull of Emperor Joker as he lay face down in the water. 

The giant sandworm floats dead in the water as Voldemort and Wolverine mount it.  Superman flies in to fight wolverine and is cut badly by his blades.

“IMPERIO!” says He Who Shall Not Be Named.  He shoots the curse at Wolverine to try and control him but the curse bounces off his blades and strikes Superman.  This Renders the Man of Steel useless as he lay unconscious on the belly of the beast.  Wolverine wastes no time charging at Voldemort and as he lifts his wand he feels the adamantium claws pierce his torso.  Wolverine pulls Voldemort in close and speaks.

“Say ‘Hi’ to your beloved Hercules for me.” Says Wolverine.

Voldemort grins exposing his jagged smile and says, “Tell him yourself.”

Wolverine looks confused as he feels Voldemort’s wand press into his left ear.  Voldemort then brings his mouth close to his right ear and whispers, “Avada Kedavra”.

A blast of green sparks shoot through the head of Wolverine and they both fall dead into the water.

Monday, May 06, 2013 - Josh sits staring at his phone in a Wendy’s parking lot.  He has just finished reading his match and shakes his head.  But then a thought comes to him and he calls Ryan.

“Sup dude.” Says Ryan answering the phone.

“Hey, You read the match Fizz posted?” asks Josh.

“Yeah, just did.  Hell of a beating you put on my team.”

“Thanks man.  Good luck in the playoffs.  Do our division proud.”

“Always do.” Says Ryan with a slight tinge of arrogance to his reply.  He then realizes the olive branch that is being extended toward him.  “Hey, I have some suggestions for season 7 if you want to hear them sometime.  Maybe come over after the kid is born this summer and we can split a 12 pack like the old days.  What do you say?”

“Sounds fucking awesome dude.”  Josh says smiling knowing Ryan said the words he was looking for.

“Cool.  Hey I gotta get back to work since Fizz can’t ever post a match on time.”

“No prob.   Hey Ry.”

“Yeah Man?”

“Keep your spirit alive.”

Ryan’s face lights up and after a short pause says,  “Keep your Marvel spirit alive.”

Team Sleeping Pussy Vs. The Royal Highness

Team Sleeping Pussy is The spirit of Obi Wan Kenobi, Leia Organa-Solo: Jedi Knight, (movie) Rachet, Smokescreen, Tunnel Rat, Psycho Pirate, (Western) Ghost Rider, Johnny Blaze, (Zombie) Mothra, Marian Ravenwood, Jonah Hex, Spider-Woman (Mattie Franklin), Blockbuster, Den, Rivvy Dinari, and Alexander Luthor.

The Royal Highness is Apollo, Walker: Texas Ranger, Jedi Master #40, Marvel Man (Miracle Man), Imhotep, Anak-Sanamun (w/ Magnoguard Staff), The Scorpion King, Rick O'Connell (w/ blue lightsaber), Evie O'Connell (w/ a crossbow), Ninja Gaiden, and Sandworm #3b-4b.


The spirit of Obi Wan Kenobi informs his team that he senses intense power amongst their opponents. The spirit leads them to hiding spots throughout the Jundland wastes, that not even the sand people know about. Everyone on the S.P. Squad follow the lead of the spirit. Except Zombie Mothra, who isn't exactly a team player. The Zombie attempts to release it poison dust onto the dunes; but the two sandworms are able to move through the biologica counter-measures and consume Mothra after they leap out of the sand and bring the massive creature down into ground with them. Once underground, the two worms battle each other over the massive meal that is Mothra; but the larger Sandworm 3B comes out on top of the battle. Killing its teammate and territorial rival.

The ghost of old Ben speaks to his team via the full “force powered” Princess Leia, and leads them into a large cavern opening that has been long forgotten by The Tusken Raiders. But Yoda is linked to the fallen Jedi Master as well, and becomes aware of The Pussies plan to set up a homebase and fortify their position. It still does take The Highness Squad much longer to discover the cavern; which gives Leia and her team several hours to prep.

Once the Highness makes their way into the sandy rock-walled base, an immediate and ruthless melee battle ensues. The conflicted spirit of Obi Wan Kenobi vanishes as his former friend Yoda enters the vicinity and causes him conflict within the force. Yoda and Bob Johnson (Jedi Master #40) become locked in a fierce double sword fight with Rivvy Dinari and Marian Ravenwood, while Alexander Luthor gets run through by the mystical sword of Ninja Gaiden. Leia gets locked in fight with Anak-Sanamun, while Imhotep is kept busy by Smokescreen and Rachet. Marvel Man goes crazy on Psycho Pirate, but Jonah Hex puts one between the eyes of Evie O' Connell before she can fire a bolt from her FFL Brand Crossbow. The Scorpion King is locked in a battle of bulging muscles with Blockbuster, but Apollo makes fairly short work of Den. Ghost Rider and Johnny Blaze bust outside of the homebase in an attempt to pick up some speed and then come back for an attack; but once they leave its sanctity, they soon are reminded of why they came in in the first place, as their consistent vibratory motions bring Sandworm #3B back to the surface and die within its gut. Spider-Woman manages to turn Rick O' Connel into a mummy (or at least a dead person). And Walker: Texas Ranger sneaks up on Tunnel Rat before he round-house kicks his head clean off.

The many mini battles continue, but as the dust settles...

Imhotep has swallowed up both Rachet and Smokescreen, which leads him to begin doing battle with Jedi Leia who managed to kick Anak-Sanamun's Magnoguard staff out of her hands before sticking her in the chest with her lightsaber. Blockbuster became neckbuster for a moment when he brought a double punch down hard on the back of The Scorpion King's head; but he is now being double-teamed by both Apollo and Marvel Man, but not before the super-powered duo rips apart Jonah Hex, by each grabbing a half and giving a good yank. Marian ran through good ol' Bob Johnson; but she was then finished off by Yoda who was on a roll after taking out Ginaz sword instructor Rivvy Dinari, despite his exceptional fencing skills. Spider-Woman then got caught between an intense Bromance betwixt Ninja Gaiden and Walker: Texas Ranger. The two realized that martial arts conquers all, (or at least Spider-Woman in this case) and they pour some coffee and begin talking about their exploits and how many hundreds of men they have taken out just by good old-fashioned a** kicking. Blockbuster manages to take out Apollo; but the double-team still ends up being too much for him, as Marvel Man is able to repay both Apollo and The Scorpion King by taking out Blockbuster with a similar neck-breaking attack. It is a very difficult moment for Leia to square off against Yoda in an attempt to bring this match to a conclusion; but..... Wait a second Leia and Yoda never actually meet in the movies do they?.....? Hmmm. Never really thought about that before, I guess it isn't that difficult for them, Yoda won by the way.

Griswold's Nut-Busters Vs. Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers

Griswold's Nut-Busters are Gambit (w/ Magnoguard Staff), Slym and Red Dayspring, (Age of Apocalypse) Nightcrawler, Fizzle, Pepper Potts (w/ Rescue Armor), Jarvis, The Circle of Fire: Pel Tavin, Ali Rayner-West, Hunter and Forest Rayner, Alexandra DeWitt, and G.L. 7177.6, Krayt Dragon #1 and 2, Green Dragon #3-5, and Storm Trooper #1.

Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers are Sandworm #10 and 2A, Deathstorm, Venom (Flash Thompson), Carnage, Red Hulk, Archangel, Doc Samson, Dust, Yaddle, Ron Burgundy (w/ green lightsaber), Brian Fantana (w/ Magnoguard Staff), Brick Tambland (w/ Trident), Champ Kind w/ Battle Axe), Veronica Corningstone (w/ M202 A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher), Baxter the Dog, and The Geico Gecko.


The sand has been overturned...

The Jundland Wastes are now truly a waste...

And... The landscape of Tatooine will never be quite the same.

As you most likely know... An Arrakis Sandworm is significantly larger than that of a Krayt Dragon; but the Krayt Dragons are the ones that are native to this particular landscape. They are also the ones, that despite the absolute destruction of The Jundland Wastes do come out on top of the battle that takes place far below the surface between the beasts. The Krayt Dragons are not nearly as territorial; which makes them seem as though they were working together to defeat the sandworms. After an exercise such as this, the Krayt Dragons may very well have stayed below the surface for another decade or so; but they are quickly drawn back out by the likes of a furious Red Hulk, pounding on the planet's sandy surface, until the Krayt Dragons show themselves...

Three green dragons circle the area as well. Red Hulk hates the color green. Red Hulk SMASH. Red Hulk leaps into the air and lands on the back of Green Dragon #4. He then jumps again, landing on the back of the dragon and brining it down hard into the sand below, before his fists concuss the brain of the dragon. Green Dragon #3 then attempts to blow his poison breath on The Red Hulk, but Rulk grabs it by the tail and then uses the dragon as a weapon to bludgeon Green Dragon #5. The two Krayt dragons then show themselves after this ridiculous display of might. But Rulk is joined by Red She Hulk. The two red powerhouses each bring fists down onto the heads of The Krayt Dragons that cause an actual explosion of the creature's brains they are so powerful. The mighty Krayt Dragons fall from the tremendous strength of the Hulksters.

Nightcrawler and Venom are locked in a great battle of agility. They both bounce of the rock outcroppings without the swords of Nightcrawler,or the guns of Venom landing any significant blows in the beginning. This battle becomes not so evenly matched, as Carnage joins the skirmish on the side of Venom. Carnage has a history of not always getting along with the other wearers of the symbiote suit; but the psycho killer manages to get past it; so he and Venom can finish off Nightcrawler before he can BAMF out of the way.

Ron Burgundy, and his news team are hold up in a small cave, enjoying some scotch and milk (which was not a good choice for the desert climate). Brick has just finished telling them all that “he loves Bantha” and “he loves Sarlaac” when The Circle of Fire crew comes flying in to ruin their fun. Pel Tavin dodges the rocket fired by Veronica with the use of his superior intelligence. He is after all a man with a brain three times the size of hers... It's science. The former Man-Hunter robot then takes out “the man” as he blasts through Ron Burgundy. Ali Rayner-West uses her super-speed to take out Champ, and Hunter and Forest use their shared ring to create a massive fist to pound Brick into the ground. Alexandra DeWitt then takes pleasure in blasting the sexist Brian Fantana with her green power ring as well. The Geico Gecko, adorably rides on the back of Baxter the Dog and goes for help as The Circle of Fire begin to combine their powers in a rite that will surely conjur enough power to take out the entire Dope Fiends squad and dash their season 6 play-off hopes forever.

Gambit is doing well to dodge the attacks of Doc Samson. One punch from the Gamma powered scientist could potentially kill the mutant; but The Ragin Cajun keeps his distance. He manages to get close enough to stun Samson with his Bodyguard droid staff, and then litters the sand with energy charges playing cards that explode with enough force to take out Doc Samson for good. Dust then forms out of what seems like nowhere and rips the skin off of Gambit with a self-contained dust storm, before reforming herself where he once stood.

Red Hulk and Red She-Hulk stand triumphant over the bodies of the two enormous Krayt Dragons and of the armored bodies of Pepper Potts and Storm Trooper #1, which they just easily dispatched when Slym and Red show up.The Daysprings attack with all the mutant power they can muster but the hulks still resist. Slym unleashes the full power of his optic blast onto Red She Hulk, which nearly blows him back as he loses control of his own power. Slym not only takes out Red She Hulk but manages to destroy the entire mountainside behind her. Red Hulk then breaks the neck of Slym as he comes down from an enormous leap, directly on top of him. Red Hulk's unbreakable body is then stopped as Red Dayspring mind-blocks Rulk to finally end his reign of Nut-Buster terror. This exhausts Jean Grey, who is then dispatched by Deathstorm, who sat waiting for the skirmish to play out before swooping in to take out whoever was left.

Jarvis is riding in Fizzle, on their way towards the cave in which the Circle of Fire are hold up. Fizzle is bouncing through the dunes in his dune buggy form at great speed; but Archangel still manages to catch up through the air. Archangel passes up the transformer and then lands in front of them. He swings his massive metal wings which slice Fizzle in half and decapitate Jarvis in the process.

The Circle of Fire has worked up enough trans-dimensional energy to take out the remainder of The Dope Fiends when Baxter and The Geico Gecko find Yaddle. Yaddle races in to the cave with Jedi Speed and begins to make her final stand. She first leaps into the air and takes out their leader Pel Tavin with a lightsaber attack through his neck. She then uses the force to disassemble GL 7177.6 bolt by bolt. Hunter and Forest use their ring to send every bit of green energy they can towards the little green Jedi master; but Yaddle manages to block it with her lightsaber and then send it back at them, killing them both with their own power. Alexandra DeWitt then comes flying in with a construct of a green sowrd; but she is foolish to attempt to best Yaddle in a fencing match. Yaddle parries her every attack and then removes her head with her lightsaber. Ali Rayner then rushes at Yaddle at top speed and grabs her but Yaddle is too powerful for Ali to contain even with her speed powers and lantern ring. Yaddle foils the plan of The Circle of Fire, but Ali manages to make them both one with The Speed Force.

TEAM Vs. Murderflies

Season 6: Week 8

TEAM is: Sandworm #1B, #2B, #5B, Fizzatz Haderach (Kwistatz Chris Artrip) and Star Sapphire Julie Artrip, Red Son Superman, Thorion (Celestial), Bruce Lee, Lord Katsumoto, Conan, Aule, Duke Nukem.

Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies are: Quintus Lentulus Batiatus, Lucretia Batiatus, Spartacus, Red Lantern Crixus, Gannicus, Oenomaus(Doctore), Agron, Barca, Varro, Naevia, Mira, Melitta, Prince of Persia, Sandworm #1-5, Jawa #1-6.

TEAM and The Murderflies appear in the Jundland Wastes at the same time. There is a crate sitting in the sand between the two teams. Red Son Superman and Spartacus approach the crate. There is a note attached to the mysterious box. It reads: "Happy Cinco De Mayo!" Superman opens the crate to find that it contains many bottles of tequilla. "Perhaps we should cease this senseless fighting and enjoy the holiday." suggests Spartacus. Red Son Superman smiles and nods. "Salud!" he toasts. They take their share back to their respective camps, and the celebration begins.

One hour later...

With the tequilla flowing freely, the violence erupts, as is the tradition of Cinco De Mayo. Duke Nukem curb stomps Jawas #1-6, before taking a spear to the spine from Spartacus. Barca and Lord Katsumoto are battling, but the superior skills of the Last Samurai makes short work of the gladiator, ending him with a slash to the neck. Agron is furious and attacks, but his emotions (and booze) make him sloppy. He leaves himself open to a sword through the abdomen. Varro aproaches, but then kneels to vomit. Lord Katsumoto attempts to seize the opportunity, but is stunned by a blade in his chest. He realizes his mistake as he dies, for Varro's sickness was a feint. Varro joins Lentulus Batiatus, who is in a losing battle with Conan. Varro's help is not enough and Conan takes their heads with a single powerful sword strike. Gannicus is not impressed and engages Conan with a smirk. They are evenly matched, with many dodges and parries. At one point, their swords clash and they both lose hold of their weapons. Gannicus uses a Pankration slam to put Conan in the ground, and finishes him with multiple hammer fists to the face.

The Prince of Persia and Bruce Lee are having an acrobatic fight. Lee dodges many scimitar stikes, and delivers a rapid succession of kicks to the Prince's sternum, caving in his chest for good. Spartacus, Red Lantern Crixus, Gannicus, and Doctore regroup and surround Bruce Lee. Knowing that shit just got real, Lee breaks out his patented nunchucks. Naturally, Red Lantern Crixus charges first. Lee avoids him, but the back of Crixus' skull was not missed by the nunchuck, and it is shattered. Bruce Lee spins and blows out Doctore's jaw, while simutaniously concussing Gannicus. Another quick pair of strikes and they are downed in unison. Spatacus recovers his spear from Duke Nukem's spine, and fires it at Bruce Lee. Sadly, nunchucks are a poor defense for a thrown spear, and one of the true masters is killed.

With a solid buzz acheived, Fizzatz Haderach and Star Sapphire Julie relax in what little shade they can find. They are approached by Lucreta Batiatus, Naevia, Mira, and Melitta. "We are not interested in this battle. Surely the handsomest of all Kwisatz Haderachs deserves a harem!" offers Lucertia. Fizzatz raises an eyebrow as he looks at Julie. She scowls and uses her ring to encase the women in crystal. Not the typical Violet Corps rehabilitating crystal, just the suffocating kind. The women are asphixiated and the crystal becomes their caskets. "So... just for the record... We are "NO" on the harem thing?" asks Fizzatz as a well deserved slap puts that idea to bed permanently. Finished with his bout, Spartacus walks to the resting couple. "Stand and fight." he says to Fizzatz. "Why?" questions Fizzatz, "We have already won.. Our sandworms were too few to take out your sandworms, but a double sun powered Superman evened the odds. They were eventually killed, but your remaining sandworms were destroyed by the Celestial Thorion. This was no easy task, even with his Cosmic Rod augmented by Aule." "How can you be so sure?" questions Spartacus. He is answered by the giant boot of Thorion, which crushes the life out of the gladiator. "Didn't see that coming...." jokes Fizzatz as Julies shakes her head.

Season 6: Week 8

The Shemalabama Shit-Kickers are: Zombie Galactus, Red Lantern Hal Jordan, Nightwing and Flamebird (Kryptonian), Sentinel Prime w/ Autobot Matrix, The Fallen, Full Spectrum Kyle Rayner, Sandworm #7, Real Man.

Beckerman Presents: The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse featuring: Sandworm #11+#12, Zombie Doomsday, Goro wYellow Lantern ring(9 deaths), Zombie Preist, Geoff Johns w/Healing gun, El Gaucho, Man of Bats, Little Raven, Magmar, Modulock, Rio Blast, Merlin, The Huntress, Skeletor Centurion #1 "Hot Fudge" Harry McTwivent w/FREM Kit.

The Shit-Kickers travel through the desert whith the appropriate amount of confidence. Except for one... "REAL MAN IS THIRSTY!!!" Eric declares to his teammates. "Not again... Dude, we gave you something to drink, like, 5 minutes ago. Stop Whining!" says Full Spectrum Kyle Rayner. "I swear that if this guy doesn't shut up, I'll kill him myself!" seeths Red Lantern Hal Jordan, barely holding his rage in check. "REAL MAN IS..." Eric is cut off by a punch in the face by Red Lantern Hal. "Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!!!" sceams Hal. Real Man picks himself up and considers Hal's request. "REAL MAN IS.." Eric is interrupted this time by the emergence of sandworm #11, which proceeds to eat Real Man whole. Hal and Kyle high five as Real Man is digested. The sandworm convulses and dies, poisoned by the general unpleasantness of Real Man. Sandworm #12 appears from underneath, but is met by The Shit-Kicker's own sandworm #7. Sandworm #7 is eventually victorious, but it soon dies from the massive injuries inflicted by sandworm #12. The Shit-Kickers are then taken offguard by a surpise attack by the Grinhouse's El Gaucho, Man of Bats, Little Raven, The Huntress, Magmar, Modulock, Rio Blast, and "Hot Fudge" Harry McTwivent.

Rio Blast reveals his weapons, while the Huntress fires bolts from her crossbow. These ranged attacks are blocked by a force field from Full Spectrum Kyle Rayner. The Grindhouse continues to batter the shield and a blow by Modulock finally breaks the will of Kyle Rayner, shattering the construct. The Grindhouse charges in, and Red Lantern Hal takes out Rio Blast with red energy augmented fists. He continues beating the corpse. "Worst He-Man character ever!" he screams. Hal's rant is ended by a scorpion tail spike through the chest, courtesy of Modulock. Modulock attempts to change into a form more suitable for his next target, but is unable, as most of the his parts were lost within 5 seconds of opening the box. He is vaporized by a few shots from Sentinel Prime. Magmar is using his fire attack on The Fallen to little effect. The Fallen shows Magmar his fire attack, and the Pokemon is burned to a crisp. El Gaucho, Man of Bats, and Little Raven show true courage by attacking Flamebird and Nightwing, but are subdued quickly by the Kryptonians. The Huntress knows she is in trouble, but isn't going out by herself. She takes a special kryptonite bolt from her quiver and loads her crossbow. "I'll have to remember to thank Bruce for this." she says to herself. She fires at Nightwing, who is hit in the arm. He is in pain, but he pulls it out and destroys it with heat vision. "No, that's impossible..." says The Huntress. "Two suns." explains Nightwing as Flamebird roasts Huntress with her heat vision. "Hot Fudge" Harry McTwivent is alone, and decides to do what he does best. "So, Flamebird. I heard you were looking for a new Nightwing... or was it a new night fling?" asks Harry with a wink. Flamebird shyly smiles. Nightwing has had enough and explodes McTwivent's head with a punch, while leering at Flamebird.

Merlin watches the action on his crystal ball from another part of the battlefield. He shakes his head as McTwivent falls, the last of their initial attack force. "It appears as though we will be using your idea after all, Mr. Johns." Merlin says. "I hoped it wouldn't come to this either, but we knew that it might." replies Johns. Merlin, Zombie Preist, and Geoff Johns form a circle and join hands. Merlin and Zombie Priest recite ancient incantations while Johns closes his eyes and concentrates. The spell is complete, but the cost is the lives of the three. Magics this powerful come with a price.

The Shit-Kickers are unprepared when Zombie Galactus is enthralled by the magic spell of The Grindhouse. His cosmic powered eye beams rip through Red Lantern Hal Jordan and Sentinel Prime. Zombie Doomsday and Yellow Lantern Goro embrace the advantage and join the fight. Doomsday is battering Nightwing withh spiked fists, but the extra sun fueled Kryptonian is withstanding the beating. Flamebird speeds from behind and rips Zombie Doomsday's head clean off. The pair is overwhelmed by a yellow energy powered Goro. He attacks relentlessly, and finally crushes the two Kryptonians in a double bear hug using his 4 arms. The Fallen is trying to contain the rouge Zombie Galactus, but Galactus fires up the eye beams again and The Fallen is destroyed. The huge backlash of entropic energy from the death of The Fallen engulfs Zombie Galactus, and destroys him as well.

The final survivors Yellow Lantern Goro and Full Spectrum Kyle Rayner face off. Goro creates constructs of his fellow Mortal Kombat fighters to help him. Full Spectrum Kyle is unimpressed. "Yeah, I can do that too..." he yawns as constructs of the JLA appear beside him. "But I'd rather do this." says Kyle as he overtakes and shuts down Goro's ring. Goro smacks the ring with his hand in a futile attempt to get it to work. "Sorry man. I know what it's like being the new ring-slinger on the block. You'll get the hang of it someday." advises Kyle. Goro is enraged and take a run at Rayner, who responds with a ring construct of Sub-Zero. Goro is uppercutted by Sub-Zero, and I could of swore that I heard a high pitched voice say "TOASTY!" Goro lands and is still dazed when he finally rises. "FINISH HIM!" says an otherworldly voice. Kyle is trying to remember the fatality code for Sub-Zero. "Forward, Down, Forward, High punch? Or is it Low Punch? Um... Eh... Screw it. he says as he simply destroys Goro with a blast of pure energy.

s6w8- Red Army vs Rabblerousers

Real Man's Rabblerousers are: Max Mercury,Vehicle Voltron Land Team: Commander Cliff, Cinda, Modok, Marvin & Hutch, Optimus Primal, Rhoinox, Cheetor, Rattrap, Dinobot, Tigatron, Airazor, Silverbolt, Savage/Noble, Nightscream, Depth Charge, Scuba, Big Horn, Big Convoy, Blackarachnia

President Barack Obama and Taylor Swift's Red Army are:  Judah Ben Hur w/White Lantern Ring, Ardeth Bey w/Blue Lightsaber and Mandalorian Armor, Azeem w/Qui Gon Jinn's Green Lightsaber, Jen Linley w/Jetpack and Green Lightsaber, Duke w/Green Lantern Ring, Friedrich Nietzsche w/Mind Infinity Gem, Worm-Becks, Assistant Coach: Hermione Granger w/Magic Lamp and Ferengi Energy Whip, Heimdall, Original Human Torch, Raven, The Atom, Warpath, Paul Atreides Ghola, Erasmus, Ginny Weasley w/Harry Potter's Wand, Carslie Cullen w/Star Sapphire Ring, Esme Cullen, Alice Cullen, Emmett Cullen, Jasper Hale and Rosalie Hale

SHKABOOM!

An explosion rips through the Jundland Wastes as the Voltron Vehicle team begin the match with a horrific car accident. The team meets this surprising fate due to a number of factors: Nietzsche calling upon the power of the Mind Infinity Gem to control the mind of Commander Cliff and Modok and turn them against their partners. The bright, sparkly skin of the Cullens as they entered the sunlight blinded Cinda as she was operating her vehicle. Marvin and Hutch found themselves magically transported to the epic center of the crash due to the talents of Raven, Hemidall and Ginny Potter.

"Brilliant!" exclaims Assistant Coach Hermione "That play couldn't have gone and better! Now-"

"Diss ish shum BUULLLSSSHHH*****TTTT" slurs Jen Linley as she drunkenly stumbles up to the young wizard "I thought dees was s'psod to beeee summm RREEAALL *burp* MEN, but dere's no mens, just a Grampa and robbits??!! HOW IS AM SPOSSED TO F**K A ROBBIT!"

"First off, it's ROBOT or technically a Transformer." says Granger "And secondly..."

"HEY! HEY!Hey. hey. I'm a CHAMPION!" Jen says "I got a championship ring so I'm a champion. And as a champion I don't wanna be banging no robbit no more. Now, where's the Real Men?" Jen then takes a long pull on her bottle of Tomahawk vodka.

"Lovely." grimiches Hermoine

"I GOT FISTS FOR YOU, BUDDY!!"  screeches Jen to the air "I gonna give you ELBOWS!!" as she staggers off.

As Hermoine plots the Red Army's next manuver, the Rabblerousers start to have a bit of luck. Max Mercury uses his superspeed to whip up as sandstorm, and begins picking off Red Army soldiers left and right. Paul Atreides and Ghola find their years living among the dunes of...Dune could have never prepared them for the Zen Master of superspeed. All the Twilight characters sparkly skin provide the perfect homing beacon for Mercury in the blinding sand as he eliminates them. The look on Carslie Cullen's face was one of pure shock as first his star sapphire ring vanished, then he found himself stabbed in the heart in less than a heartbeat as Max Mercury runs wild across the Wasteland. Even Warpath is unable to stand up to the elderly speedster.

Max stops to catch his breath, and looks over at his Transformers brethren. Max's sandstorm play was beneficial, but came with an unforeseen consequence.   The sand has gotten into the gears and mechanics of the giant robots and slowed them down almost to the point of immobility. Duke's green lantern ring easily smashes the head of Optimus Primal. The Atom shrinks down to get in the head Rhoinox and destroys his internal workings

"Looks like I may be on my own" starts Max when he notices an odd sight. He sees Bryan Beckerman doing the worm across the wastelands, inching toward the battle. 

"Easy victim is easy" smirks Max.

"DID SUMMBUDDY SHAY EASY??!!" screams a drunken voice Max turns to see a jetpack rushing right toward him. Max is fast, but not fast enough to get out of the way as the device smashes into him and explodes. Killing him. 

"NOOOO!!" screams Jen as she stumbles to her feet. "I killed the only man??" I wuz tryin ta get nekkid so we could f**k, but I hit da wrong button!!" 

"Who'd have thought being a stupid, drunken whore would be an advantage?" Hermoine cattily says as she appears besides Jen. "Now to finish this." Hermoine points her wand at the worming lawyer and says "Transformitio SANDWORM BECKS!!!"

Beckerman starts to twitch, then suddenly grows to the gigantic propotions of a Sandwom. The remaining Rabblerousers are either consumed by the giant montser, or crushed beneath his body and he continues to do the dance move, exploding out of the sand, then crashing back down. Shaking the area.

"Well, that's that" smiles Hermoine

"B-b-b-ut. what is I s'posed to do?" pouts Jen. Then Ben Hur approaches her.

"Linley. Perhaps you can help let my semen flow!" he says in a horrible, HORRIBLE pick-up line.

Jen smiles "Schweet. Maybe you won't be the only one who's covered in white" she purrs "F**k you robbits" she says, as she stumbles off with white lantern.

Spoiler Sport: Week 7

Hello everyone, Cotton McKnight here. Welcome to Spoiler Sport. Here on The Ocho! The pristine city of Detroit circa 1928 got a glimpse of its future in this destructive first week of divisional play!

In the Spielberg Division of the Lucas conference, the play-off picture became less foggy, as The Grindhouse beats the Midgets. Congratulations to the Grindhouse for securing the first, but certainly not last, playoff spot! Meanwhile, The Horsemen edge out The Shit-Kickers, but both teams remain alive for the coveted wildcard.

In the Clarke Division, The Empire beats the Dickens out of the Rabblerousers, but the shock of the year is The Red Army losing to George Washington's Slaves. This means that the Universe Bowl Champions will not have a chance to defend their crown as they are officially eliminated from the playoffs!

Over in the Stan Lee Conference, dreams of the post-season were dashed in the Tolkien Division. The Dope Fiends reserved The Murderflies off-season tee time, and the ever dangerous TEAM eliminates the inexperienced Nut-Busters. We here at Spoiler Sport wish Griswold and the gang the best of luck with his young career as an FFL owner!

Finally, in the Herbert Division, it's still anybody's game! The Royal Highness smokes The Kennelz, and this year's annual catfight belongs to the Pussys, who outlast the Kitties.

We now check in with the ever popular graveyard resurrection points correspondent, Pepper Brooks. Pepper!

Muh muh, muhmuh muh muhhmuh muh. Muhmuh muh, muh muh muh muhhmuh. Muh muh muhmuh muh, muh muhmuh muhmuh muhhmuh. Muh muh muh.
Muh, muh muh muh muh, muhmuh muhmuh. Muh muh muhmuh muhhmuh, muh muhmuh muh muhmuh.

Thanks as always to the ever insightful Pepper Brooks! You hang in there kid!

The playoff race is sure to heat up this week on the desert planet Tatooine, where winners could catch the fire they need, while losers could be wasted in Jundland!

For The Ocho, I'm Cotton McKnight. Stay tuned for the semi final round of The Inuit Ear Pull. Thank you, and good night.

Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve Vs. Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family

Michael Vickz Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve are Sandworm of Saturn #1-6, Fremen #29, Allia Atreides, Barbarrossa, Ajax, Duncan Idaho Ghola #8, Shazam (Freddie Freeman), Black Lantern Bizarro Superman, and Brandon Inge (w/ green lantern ring and green lightsaber).

Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family are White Lantern Batman and Red X (Dick Grayson) in a Land Speeder, (Kingdom Come) Wonder Woman, (Kingdom Come) Donna Troy, (Kingdom Come) Robot Man, (Kingdom Come) Red Arrow, (Kingdom Come) Red Robin, Mother Mae Eye (w/ a red lightsaber), Eustace the Dragon and The Mouse, Kyle Houslander, Zachary Houslander, Purple Dragon #23, Bronze Dragon #7, Copper Dragon #9, Aunt May, Iron Monger, The Flying Graysons: John Grayson and Mary Grayson, Thunder and Lightning, and Smurfette.


S'up Rabbits?!!? The Pogester is comin at cha early this week LIVE on Location at The Jundland Wastes; which is a place you should never travel lightly (I'm surprised you didn't know that). These Saturn Sandworms are teensie compared to the Dune Sandworms; but they are still pretty dang big!! And their tempermant isn't nearly as nasty which makes it easy-peasy-lemon-squeezey for Steve (that's Fremen #29), Allia, and even Duncan Idaho to ride them. Even Brandon Inge is up on top of Saturn Sandworm #4; after a crash course on Sandworm riding from good Ol' St. Allia of the Knife in her grown-up kick-butt form. Black Lantern Bizarro and Shazam have taken flight and are circling around the sandworms with a tad bit of arrogance about them, fresh off of what they thought was going to be their last match against The Royal Highness. Ajax and Barbarossa have both taken on ginormously huge mech-tank forms and stand at the ready with their wide array of weaponry locked and loaded and ready to Go-dead. In other words, aside from rockin a whole crew of Shai-Halud Makers Murderfly Style, sands teams don't get a whole lot better than this one. The Kitties on the other hand didn't exactly bring a crew of chumps either, as Batman and Wonder Woman split up the team into two squads and mount an offensive of their own. It is obvious that somebody's dad let the owners of this team stay up too late watching the Hobbit last weekend and that they kinda had dragons on the brain when they put this squad together. Eustace the Dragon leads the multi-colored team of dragons in to attack the Sandworms head on; but not before Eustace drops his swashbuckling mouse buddy on top of Sandworm #3 which is being ridden by Duncan Idaho. Atop the Beetlejuice Baddie, the two draw swords and begin to do battle. The Mouse parries his attacks well and gives the leader of The Atreides guard quite a run for his money; but in the end, the future Kwisatz Haderach uses his skills learned at the Swordsmen School of Ginaz to overcome the smaller foe and slice him in two. The Dragons circle back and prepare to unleash fire upon the worms when the worms take full advantage of this week's setting. They leap out of the sand in unison and each grab one of the four dragons out of mid-air. The injured dragons fight back; but once the other two worms come in to lend a hand, the grounded dragons simply can't match the sheer strength and size of the sandworms. Worm #5 perishes in the fight; but the other ones keep on wormin.

It is very hot out and Aunt May is getting very dehydrated. I don't think she brought enough water. It looks like she traveled the Jundland Wastes lightly... Bummer.

Things are not looking to great for the Kitties at this point; so a small contingent of them rush off to divert the attention of the two Cymek Titans. Batman approves of this daring plan, knowing that his squad can't possibly take on the Titans and The Sandworms all at once. But maybe if they are seperated he can overpower them one group at a time. White Lantern Batman and Red X jump out of the Land Speeder and give the keys or whatever it is that starts those things over to Kyle and Zack. Smurfette jumps inbetween them and John and Mary Grayson hang off the back. Iron Monger flies above the speeder while Kyle guns it. They daringly pass right between Ajax and Barbarossa and then keep speeding as far away as possible. Kyle gets the speeder all the way to Mos Espa before the Cymeks actually catch up. Jawas and those blue dudes who hang out on Tatooine, among other crazy lookin aliens scatter all over the place at the sight of the massive Titan Cymeks. Kyle and crew and Iron Monger find themselves stuck in a corner when Kyle screams: “Well, Obadiah, it's do or die!! No more running, let's do this”!! Iron Monger raises his guns towards the largest of all the Cymeks Ajax but he soon finds that he is significantly under-powered compared to the super-advanced former human. While he is being crushed within his system-destroyed suit, he looks over to see a Barbarossa discarding a crushed ball that was once a Land Speeder... But at least The Cymeks have a long road to travel back to the fight; which may just buy the rest of The Super Orange Kitties the time they need...

In front of the five remaining sandworms, the charge is led from the air by Black Lantern Bizarro and the former Capt. Marvel Jr.: Shazam. Shazam shows Thunder and Lightning the true meaning of controlling the elements when he overloads Thunder and Lightning with their own namesake; while Black Lantern Bizarro uses his heat breath to melt Robot Man in to all manner of things that can be turned in to cash money at Haggerty Metals: Give em a call today for all your scrap metal and recycling needs at (734) 459-0960 and find out today's prices for your scrap. Despite some great acrobatic attacks at the onset of the skirmish, two Dick Grayson die with in seconds of each other as Shazam and BL Bizarro bash the heads in of both Red Robin and Red X. Red Arrow begins unloading arrows at Shazam, who is at this point just toying with Roy as he slowly walks toward Green Arrow's former apprentice. But what Shazam doesn't realize is that it is all a diversion for Wonder Woman and Donna Troy to attack him from both sides. The two of them level Capt. Marvel's buddy with punches that bring him to the ground; but it is a concrete-floor shattering boot to the face from Wonder Woman that eventually finishes him off. White Lantern Batman then lands a drop kick on Black Lantern Bizarro that open him up to a major blast of White Life Energy which destroys Bizarro's Black Lantern Ring and restores him to a corpse.

With The Kennelz two biggest threats out of the way, The few remaining Kitties are now faced with not only the five remaining sandworms; but also the four Bad Newz Memberz on top of them. The Kitties see them coming; and duck into a small rock outcropping that the worms are much to large to get inside of. Wonder Woman looks at Batman and states the obvious: “We can't hide in here forever, we are going to have to go out there and fight”! “It would be more like go out there and die Diana. Our only chance is to outsmart them” Batman says in reply. Outside the cave, the sandworms circle while on the horizon Barbarossa and Ajax can be seen approaching to rejoin the battle. “My Lady, if we wait out here, who knows how long this could take. It is up to you to decide if we head inside or not”. Swordmaster Idaho says to Allia. Allia retorts: “We shall make a small journey into the outcropping and attempt to draw them out. I believe our enemies underestimate their own disadvantage against myself and Steve in the setting of a desert cave. It is where we were raised Lord Swordmaster”. Allia, Duncan, Steve, and Brandon all slide down the side of their worms and enter the small cavern. When they walk in they see a nicely set table with four pies on it. “SWEET PIE”!! Brandon exclaims. “Wait, it could be a trap” says seasoned war veteran Duncan Idaho. “Yeah... Right... A trap of awesomeness for our taste buds maybe”. Says Brandon Inge who begins eating the pie as if he had a hole in his neck. Steve the Fremen grew up in a culture that says you never turn down free food, so he goes to town as well. This is when the peer pressure sets in... Idaho and Allia know that eating the pie might be the worst idea since cancelling Captain Power; but it's hard to against the crowd, so they grab a pie as well. The four of them then fall fast asleep on the cavern floor......

Outside the cave, the Sandworms are getting really annoying and anybody who has ever met Ajax knows that he is not the most patient guy around. So he blows one of them (#2) up with a huge concussion blast which basically makes his and Barbarossa's millennium, I mean what is funnier than a exploding sandworm... Classic.

Mother Mae Eye explains to Batman, Wonder Woman, and the gang that when their enemies wake up after consuming her magical pies that they will all be under her command. She can then send them out to attack the Cymeks and Sandworms and then they can go out and kill whoever is left after The Kennelz are done fighting amongst themselves. They all agree that this is the best plan that they have to go with so they wait patiently next to the sleeping bodies of Allia, Steve, Brandon, and Duncan. The four of them wake up and Mother Mae Eye tells them that she loves them and that she will always be there for them. That's why she bakes her pies with the secret ingredient of love. Allia looks at her team and says: “Well, you heard Mother, now let's go kill some Sandworms”. With these words Inge and Steve both launch their lightsaber and Crysknife into the eyes of Wonder Woman, taking out the biggest threat in the room, while Duncan Idaho moves with amazing quickness to take out Donna Troy with a sword thrust to the chest. Red Arrow acts fast and hits Fremen #29 with an arrow to the heart; but Allia catches Mother Mae Eye with a cryknife up under her chin (the traditional Fremen killing method). Red Arrow knocks Inge to the ground rendering him unconscious with a swift drop kick; but Idaho finishes off Red Arrow before he can do any permanent damage to Inge. Batman now finds himself surrounded by Idaho and Allia when he asks simply: “How did you do it”. Allia answers: “Internally converting poison inside my body was a trick I learned in the womb Batman. You should have seen that coming. I transmuted every bit of it mid-meal for all of us. Did you think a trick such as that could be played on a telepath as strong as I”? Batman nods knowing that he was defeated; and then attacks them both. Batman may be able to take out either one of these two enemies on their own but Allia and Idaho have been training together for many years and together they are forced to be reckoned with. Batman parries their every attack but is still on the defensive. He sees an opening and takes it. He jams his Batarang into the throat of Duncan Idaho but in doing so gives Allia the opening she needed as well. Duncan Idaho once again dies for the cause and the life of an Atreides noble as Allia sticks her crysknife into a kink in Batman's protective suit. Batman falls to the ground, as Allia stands over her opponent thinking that it will be an honor to drink the blood of the bat...

Season Six Week Seven Standings

S6W7 - Kennelz vs Highness

The Royal Highness is:  Yoda, Doomslayer, Cyborg Doomsday, Superboy Doomsday, Steel Doomsday, Black Lantern Loki, Jack Hawksmoor (Authority), Goliath the Gargoyle, Punisher w/jetpack and Microchip, Robocop & Agent 47 in a Ferrari 308 , Midnighter & Hollywood Hulk Hogan in a Ferrari GTO.

The Kennelz are:  Phoenix Force: Cyclops, Collossus, Emma Frost, Magik & Namor, Kratos, Jack Bauer, (Green Lantern) Ryan Poteracki, Mandalorian Justin Oblak, Brandon Inge, Matt Oblak, Dr. Teresa Oblak, Dexter The Dog, Dark Jedi Pete Sosa, Black Widow, Super-girl (Ariella Kent), Shazam (Freddie Freeman)(9 Deaths), Black Lantern Bizarro Superman (9 Deaths), Bizarro Supergirl, Steel Superman.

“I heard you were flirting with my man.” Says Midnighter as he and Hollywood Hulk Hogan travel the streets in a Ferrari GTO.

“Naw, Brotha… It was all him.  Sitting on my lap and talking about manjobs.” Replies Hogan defensively.

“Well you just make sure that the only shirts you tear off better be your own.”  Midnighter says accusingly.

As the two Highness teammates travel the streets of Detroit, they are getting very odd looks since the car they are driving is very out of place for 1928.  Closely behind them in a Ferrari 308 is Agent 47 and Robocop.  The ground suddenly opens up and swallows the GTO with Hogan and Midnighter.  After the two fall into the pit, Shazam rips the side off a building and drops it on top of the car as the two struggled to free themselves.  Many of the Kennelz team members begin to walk out from in between buildings and surround the 308.  Robocop steps out and scans the crowd. 

“You are all under arrest!” Robocop exclaims.

Matt Oblak laughs and charges at Murphy.  Robocop and Agent 47 begin to fire upon the Kennelz but as Oblak charges at them, he is able to deflect many of the bullets with his Mandalorian armor and two lightsabers.  Robocop’s shift is over as Oblak manages to plunge his green saber into Robocop’s main CPU, shutting him down for good.  As Oblak turns, he is horrified that the barrage of gunfire has not only taken the life of his dog Dexter, but of his wife Teresa.  Oblak is filled with rage that can only be equaled by a Michigan football loss or by his hatred of Jim Leyland.  He takes the light disc from the back of his wife’s Tron suit and fires it down a nearby alley.  The Highness members have now gathered at the scene as well and Justin Oblak is desperately trying to get his brother to leave his wife’s side and run to safety.

“C’mon asshole, she’ll be back in the locker room next week!” He screams.

Justin and Brandon Inge each grab an arm and pull him around a corner.  Agent 47 has now been joined by Punisher and Microchip who is trying unsucessfully to rewire Robocop.  Goliath the Gargoyle also shows up to help out too and he lands on top of Black Widow and Dark Jedi Pete Sosa and flies off with them.  He then drops them in the Detroit River.  Pete struggles to stay afloat and they both perish as Sosa drags the Black Widow down in his panic.

Goliath soars back to the fight to find that the Phoenix Force crew has decided to show up for the Kennelz.  They have begun to fight with Yoda and the 3 Doomsdays  (Three?!?)  Yoda bests Namor with his lightsaber and Superboy Doomsday is trading blows with Colossus.  Agent 47 shoots Colossus in the eye which causes him to wince long enough for SB Doomsday to land the fatal blow to his skull.  Cyclops uses his heat vision to ignite the remaining Ferrari that several of the Highness members are still hiding behind.  Punisher is able to fly to safety with his jetpack but his buddy Microchip is deleted and Agent 47’s game is over as the car blows up Hollywood style into a massive mushroom cloud.  Steel Doomsday grows tired of his antics and punches the mask off Cyclops and Yoda follows with a saber to the grill.  Emma Frost and Magik use their power of telepathy to get Steel Doomsday to turn on the Jedi master but he is much too quick and he sensed a disturbance in the force.  Yoda easily retreats and the two female Phoenix Force members then get Steel Doomsday to pick up Cyborg Doomsday and throw him into Canada.  Goliath grabs a hold of Magik, breaking her concentration and Yoda seizes the opportunity to get a very rare Phoenix Force Hat Trick.  Steel Doomsday, realizing what has happened, releases his anger by smashing the skull of Emma Frost, who is still groggy from telepathy, and then by charging at Steel Superman.  Doomsday picks him up, and begins to run him through building after building.  They end up exchanging blows inside the old (well, it looks new in 1928) Hudson building and after they have successfully broken enough supporting columns inside, the building falls, crushing the two of them in the rubble.

Kratos has seen enough of this Gargoyle and takes him by his talons and swings him into the side of the building where the Oblaks were hiding.  The falling debris crushes the skull of Matt, reuniting him with his family, and the impact also kills Goliath.  Punisher then flies in behind the Demi-God and fills the back of his skull with bullets.  And then turns his gunfire on Inge and Oblak.  The Punisher gives up as Inge deflects the bullets with a wall of green energy from his ring and flies around to the front side of the building where Green Lantern Ryan Poteracki is crouched on the ground, his back turned to the fight.  It is hard to see what he is doing but he is looking for something inside the suit of his recently deceased sister in law.  He keeps looking.  What is he doing inside her shirt for this—oh wait… I know what he is doing.  Molesting.  He was molesting a corpse.  Punisher wastes no time and shoots Poteracki in the back of the skull and he lands face first on Teresa’s bare chest.   Jack Bauer just shows up and shoots the tank on the back of Punisher’s jetpack and it explodes.  Why? Because 90% of FFL Jetpack deaths are performed this way.

Black Lantern Loki and Jack Hawksmoor take on the two Supergirls for the Kennelz and BL Loki rips telephone pole out of the ground and takes out Supergirl (Ariella Kent).  Jack Bauer goes dark for good as Loki discards the telephone pole on top of him.

The remaining Highness members retreat to Tiger Stadium: Yoda, Doomslayer, Superboy Doomsday, Black Lantern Loki, and Jack Hawksmoor.  The Kennels land on top of the stadium in left field, where Cecil used to drop home runs on the regular, and gaze down at the Highness members below.

“Let’s fight another day.  I don’t want to go to the graveyard yet, do you?” BL Bizarro Superman asks Shazam.

“Are we actually talking about a retreat?” Inge asks.  “Did I gave up during the Home Run derby in 2009 even though I didn’t actually hit one home run?”

“I don’t care what you think” Snaps Shazam. “You are not the one going to the graveyard if you die.”

The team looks down on the field and sees Cyborg Doomsday waiving a Canadian flag.

“Shit.” Says Bizarro Supergirl  “He didn’t die.  We might put up a good fight but I don’t know if we could win this.  Even with 2 nine deathers.”

The Kennelz agree to yield and save the lives of their all star players to fight another day.  All the league shakes their head as Fizzatu comes up short of mediocrity in this weeks battle.