UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER VIII: TURMOIL IN THE TIMBERLAND

            “Scan the area,” states the gruff voice behind the viewport.  “This is where we lost communication with Houslander.”

            “Will do,” responds the doughy, bespectacled man behind the controls of the AT-ST.  The driver looks to the figure who stares through the windshield of the vehicle.  The man’s black gear is emblazoned with a white skull.  The Punisher focuses on the site and nods his head at his friend, Microchip.

            “There,” points Microchip to an AT-ST approximately five hundred yards to their left.  “The AT-ST is stationary. . . The scanner indicates that there are no viable life signatures within the vehicle.”

            The mechanized sounds of the large, two footed vehicle shatters the noise of the forest’s inhabitants as it wades through the terrain. 

            “That’s it alright,” says the Punisher.  The vigilante contemplates the issues associated with their current situation. 

            “I’m going to check it out.  You stay in the vehicle.”

            “No problem boss,” responds Microchip.

            The Punisher leaves the AT-ST, guns drawn, and slowly treads toward Houslander’s AT-ST.   He pulls out a grappling hook from his gear strewn belt and throws it, able to secure the metal onto a latch.  The Punisher climbs the rope and shimmies through the broken window.  He instantly notices Houslander’s gruesome body sitting with a hole in her chest.  Curiously, her hand appears to be in rigor, yet in a position that looks as if it is reaching for a middle panel.  The Punisher manages to open the panel and pulls out a green lightsaber.  Although Houslander was unable to use her weapon in her fight, the Punisher will definitely utilize the weapon should he face any foes.

            The Punisher clips the lightsaber to his belt and begins to climb down the rope.  Suddenly, metal, knife-like projectiles slice into him.  The shiny missiles also manage to shred the rope.  The Punisher falls to the ground, but enters into a perfect barrel roll, armed with the lightsaber.  A slightly wounded Punisher uses his inherent skills to deflect the feathers rocketing toward him from Archangel’s wings.  While Archangel is focused on the Punisher, Microchip presses the trigger of the AT-ST.  The blasts hit the initial X-Factor member, throwing him across the forest.  If not for his enhanced metallic wings, the burst of the AT-ST’s cannons would have killed him.  Microchip continues to barrage Archangel, who manages to avoid a majority of the bursts.  While Archangel shuns the weapons of the Empire’s all terrain vehicle, the Batwing soars into the fray and Red Hood begins to fire at the mutant too. 

            The bombardment of both vehicles is too much for Archangel.  Red Hood’s Batwing shoots a harpoon through Archangel’s left leg.  The X-man screams in agony.  The gun’s line begins to coil, bringing Archangel within the vehicle’s weaponry.  In a fit of self-preservation, Archangel uses his wings to cut into his leg and dislodge the harpoon.  Worthington screams again.   While Archangel focused on freeing himself from his predicament, the Punisher empties a high caliber gun into the mutant’s shoulder region.  Archangel falls to the ground, nearly unconscious due to the loss of blood from his leg and shoulder. 

            Only a short time passes as Worthington is aroused to a semi-conscious state.   He looks up to see the lightsabers of both Red Hood and Punisher.  Archangel slowly rises to his knees, pondering an escape from his current position.  He is not afforded the opportunity.  Although enhanced metal, Red Hood uses his blue lightsaber to sever off the right wing of Archangel while Punisher severs off the mutant’s left wing.  Archangel’s head falls between his knees.  The Highness duo, in unison, lops off the head of Archangel with their lightsabers.  The two then look up at Microchip.

             “You know what to do,” says the Punisher into his communication link with the AT-ST.

            A full barrage of lasers crisps the body of Archangel.  As the Punisher and Red Hood begin to walk back to their respective vehicles, the Quinjet flies to the scene, driven by White Suit Anakin Skywalker.  Skywalker jumps from the Avenger’s vehicle and does two flips in the air, landing perfectly on top of the AT-ST.  Skywalker wastes no time in using his lightsaber to cut a hole in the top of the vehicle.  The Jedi then jumps down to the main cabin.  Skywalker slowly paces toward Microchip.  In an instant, a lightsaber pierces Microchip’s heart. 

            “Nooooo!!!!!” scream the Punisher. 

            Skywalker takes control of the vehicle and sends a fusillade of lasers at the duo.  The two jump into the foliage for cover and in return, Skywalker decides to fight his enemy face-to-face.  The Jedi methodically climbs up the ladder and springs from the vehicle to the ground.  The Punisher leaps from the bushes and fires his guns at his foe.  Skywalker easily deflects the bullets.

            The  Punisher unholsters his lightsaber while Red Hood steps from behind a shrub with his lightsaber ignited.  Skywalker paces toward the pair.

            “I may have white armor,” begins Skywalker, “but. . .”

            Skywalker force leaps next to Red Hood and begins to pummel Todd’s attempted defenses. 

             “. . . I. . .”

  
            Skywalker slices Red Hood in two. 

            “. . . am still. . .”

            Skywalker spins around and lops off the head of the Punisher who is immediately next to the Jedi.

            “SKYWALKER!!!”

            The white suited figure looks at the two men, their lightsabers on the ground next to them.  Knowing that he will not have the need to use more than his own, Skywalker walks over the weapons toward the Quinjet.

UNIVERSE BOWL: CHAPTER VII: ANARCHY AT ARKHAM

            The passing clouds swallow the sun in the plains area of the Playoff Planet.  A short time transpires as the overcast sky becomes a raging gambit of thunder and lightning.  The clown prince shambles through the muddy ground.  Approximately one hundred yards in front of him, the Joker notices a dilapidated barn surrounded by a wooden fence.  He presses against the fence and scans the building.  As a flash of lightning ignites the sky, the Joker now recognizes the structure for what it truly is.  The building morphs into an exact scale replica of Gotham’s famous Arkham Asylum.  The Joker shakes his head in confusion, yet laughs nonetheless.  The jester pushes through the wrought iron gate of Arkham and trots to the lone building, his M202A1 Flash rocket launcher in tow.  Lightning crashes in the sky and the shadow of a twisted clown is spawned from the glare.  The front door creaks as the Joker enters into the building. 

            This truly is Arkham, he says to himself.  What a treat for me! My home turf!

           The Joker slowly paces across the floor.  The deviate cocks his head.  He hears the flapping of wings.  The Joker readies himself for a fight. 

            “Come out.  Come out,” cackles the Joker, “wherever you are!”

            The Vulture swoops down and hits the Joker from behind.  Although the Joker strikes the ground at the impact of the blow, he manages to hold onto his weapon.  The Joker slowly rises from the ground.

            “I heard,” grunts the Joker, “that vulture tastes like chicken!”

            The Joker presses the weapon’s ignition and the rocket screams from the launcher, barely missing the Vulture.

            “Missed me you cackling imbecile!” replies the Vulture.

            “Merely a distraction,” states the Joker in a matter of fact manner as he fires the second rocket into the ceiling above the Vulture. 

            The Vulture is unable to avoid the shockwave of the blast since it throws him to the ground.  While attempting to gain his senses, the area of the ceiling where the rocket struck collapses onto the flying villain.  The Vulture is trapped under the rubble, but he manages to gain ground in his escape.

            “May be overkill,” says the Joker,  “but what the H#ll?”

            The Joker fires another rocket which storms into the rubble, obliterating the Vulture and the area around him.   A green piece of suit, feather and flesh land on the Joker, who wipes the debris from his lapel and, with his finger, puts the detritus under his nose. 

            “Not sure about the taste,” laughs the Joker, “but sure smells like chicken.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

            The Joker begins to walk away from the Vulture’s remains when he notices that the wreckage begins to shudder.  He turns around and aims his weapon at the area.  A layer of sand shimmies from the location toward the Joker.  The sand rises and sculpts itself into the Sandman.  Sandman’s fist solidifies and smacks the Joker across the floor.

            The Joker is slow to rise.  He sees the Sandman walking toward him.  The Joker manages to reach his weapon.

            “Time to fly - pun intended for your dead friend there,” laughs the Joker as he runs down the hall. 

            A pumpkin bomb brushes across Joker’s suit and explodes to his left.  The Joker is rattled, but he manages to turn around long enough to fire a rocket at his pursuer.  The Hobgoblin’s glider easily manages to avoid the projectile and its rider continues his pursuit of the enemy. 

            A symphony of pandemonium erupts as both pumpkin bombs and rockets are launched from the Hobgoblin’s hands and glider at the Joker.  The walls around the duo are decimated and water engulfs the area as something is struck by the projectiles.  

            The Joker lies on the slick ground without his rocket launcher.  As Hobgoblin is about to kill the maniac, his glider is hit from behind by a blue fist.  The Hobgoblin careens out of control and the glider throws its master off.  Kit Fisto, with his blue lantern ring, floats to the skirmish. 

            “You may have bungled the mind of my associate,” says Fisto, “but a Jedi does not succumb to such mind tricks.”

            Electro arcs from behind the Jedi and places both hands around the skull of Fisto.

            “Don’t need mind tricks,” says Electro, “but I’m going to fry your brain anyway.”

            The full amplitude of Electro’s ability rip through Fisto and a bright light of the Horsemen is suddenly and unexpectedly extinguished.  The Joker’s jaw drops in shocked anguish.   The Joker’s twisted mind realizes, that in this league, no matter how powerful of a character one may be, anything can happen. . . and no one is safe.

            The Joker laughs at this terrifying thought.  He then notices four metallic legs curl around the corner. Doctor Octopus stands in front of the Joker.
 

            “I am impressed that an adulterated imbecile such as yourself lasted as long as you did.  What is even more impressive is the fact that your Jedi was of no use to you.  Laughable. . . as are you.   

            The arms of Doctor Octopus surround the Joker.  The Joker’s laughs commence and are soon extinguished as he is ripped apart by the robotic arms. 

            Hobgoblin, Electro, Sandman and Doctor Octopus join Mysterio.  Arkham Asylum slowly dissipates into the shambling barn to which the Joker’s vision truly was. 

            “Never ceases to amaze me. . . ” begins Mysterio, “the human brain.  I have to admit that I am surprised that my toxin I placed on the gate was able to work on a twisted mind such as the Joker, but it has worked before and I’m sure it will work again.  Didn’t even need it for the Jedi; no wonder why Order 66 was so successful. ”

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER VI: BEDLAM OF THE BEARS

 

            A 1989 Chevy Cavalier zooms down the asphalt drive of a long highway through the mountainous region of the Playoff Planet.  The Pimpmobile’s radio blares a song while the three inhabitants of the vehicle sing in perfect synchronicity with the lyrics.

 

. . . I like that boom boom pow,

Them chickens jackin' my style;

They try copy my swagger,

I'm on that next sh#t now.

I'm so 2008,

You so 2000 and late;

I got that boom, boom, boom,

That future boom, boom, boom;

Let me get it now. . .

            The trio in the car are brightly colored bears, each more raucous than the other.  The light blue, star emblazoned Wish Bear looks up to his two other teammates from where its paws rotate between pressing the gas pedal.

            “I knew we needed to jack this pimp b#%chen rod from those undead Artrip f#$ks. What do black lanterns need with a ride anyway?!?”

            The orange colored, flowery chested Friend Bear, behind the wheel, looks down at Wish Bear, while the blue mooned Bedtime Bear sits next to Friend in heightened silence.

            “Damn straight,” responds Friend, “the only thing those motherf#$kers need is a ring around that finger!  They don’t need no car!”

            Navigational maestro Bedtime Bear smiles and although the radio still echoes the lyrics of “Boom Boom Pow,” Bedtime  begins to mime Beyonce from her famous video about a ring on a finger.

            The motor vehicle races down the slope and Bedtime points to his left as the three then notice a Ferrari 308 burning rubber beside them.  Through the window of the sports car, the bears notice NFG Mike.  The two vehicles keep pace with one another, each jockeying to gain an upper hand in order to use its momentum and, at the right time, thrust the other over the road’s barrier and down the ridge. 

            The overly matched Pimpmobile is struck repeatedly by NFG’s Ferrari in an attempt to rattle the once huggable stuffed toys.  The Pimpmobile strikes the guardrail and sparks fly from the vehicle’s exterior.  Wish Bear, in “Days of Thunder” skill, continually shifts its paws back and forth from the brake to the gas pedal, while Friend Bear steers. 

            Bedtime Bear looks over to NFG Mike, whose window is now open.  The bear smiles as it reaches down beneath the seat.   It scampers over to the window and with crisp precision throws a bottle of liquid over at NFG’s vehicle. 

            Friend Bear shouts, “Great job Bedtime!  Now light that next bottle and crisp that f@$ker!!!  Great idea about a molotov cocktail!!!”

            Bedtime Bear looks over at Friend Bear.

            “That wasn’t alcohol,” whispers Bedtime for the first time in the match.  “That was my piss!”

            Both Friend and Wish look over at Bedtime and laugh.  Meanwhile, NFG Mike gags at the bear’s bodily fluids spewed over the vehicle’s interior and due to the intense smell vomits upon himself.

            NFG wipes the frothy spittle around his mouth and at the top of his lungs, screams to his furry combatants, “You little f@$ks!  I’m going to carve you up like a Thanksgiving turkey!!!”

            With these words, NFG ignites his lightsaber to show that he will make good upon his threat.  Unfortunately for NFG, the stretch of road does not warrant a lit blade and the bears take advantage of NFG’s unsheathed weapon.

            “Now motherf@cker!!!,” screams Friend.  “Hit it Wish!!!”

            In response to Friend Bear’s directions, Wish Bear hits the gas and Friend jerks the wheel, allowing the Pimpmobile to strike the 308 in violent fashion.  The lightsaber, still ignited in NFG’s hand, accidentally pierces the shifter and lops off the steering wheel, barely missing NFG’s wrists.  In response to the damage caused by the blade, the 308 careens out of control and flips over as a piercing shriek is heard from NFG.  The car finally halts against the mountainside, luckily skirting the other side of the road and catapulting over the mountain. 

            The Pimpmobile slowly comes to a stop.  Each of the Care Bears saunters out of the vehicle to the flipped Ferrari’s location.

            “Well.  Well.  Well,” grins Wish Bear.  “What do we have here?”

            A broken NFG Mike crawls from the vehicle, only able to use his muscular arms, with pieces of glass interspersed throughout his skin.  He does not have his lightsaber.  He is unable to use his legs.  Yet, he is still ready to fight these depraved beasts to his dying breath.

            Friend Bear looks in the car and notices NFG’s lightsaber still within.  The bear races around to the other side of the vehicle as NFG Mike is unable to thwart the bear’s attempt in reaching its goal.  Friend pulls the weapon out and ignites the lightsaber.

            “Ooooh. . .  Green,” says Friend Bear to his companions, swishing the blade back and forth.

            NFG Mike lies on the ground, defeated, realizing that he cannot move his legs and due to the pressure on his spinal cord, now his arms.  Nonetheless, he refuses to die in a pathetic manner and looks fiercely insolent. 

            Bedtime Bear speaks, once again, on rare occasion as it looks to the others in its trio, “Let’s make a Columbian Necktie!”

            Friend Bear says, “Sounds good to me!”

  
           Wish Bear responds, “I’m in!”

            NFG Mike shouts in defiance, “Do it!  Do it you little F@#ks!!!”

            Bedtime Bear, “Oh, don’t you worry my friend.  We will. . .”

            Screams are heard, followed by gurgling as Friend Bear, with the assistance of his brethren, slashes a vertical incision through NFG’s neck and then pulls out the man’s tongue; a Columbian necktie.  The three bears giggle as NFG dies, choking in his own blood.

            “Oh that was so much fun,” claps Bedtime Bear. “Let’s get back in our ride and see who else we can f@$k with!”

            “Sounds good to me!” excitedly replies Friend Bear.

            “Back on the road. . . b#$ches!,” exclaims Wish Bear.

            The three shimmy back into the Pimpmobile and ride to their next friendly adventure.

  

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER V: DESOLATION IN THE DESERT

 

            A solitary figure stands on top of a crested dune and stares at the sky above. Paul Atreides has long been haunted by his visions of the future.  The man’s past has displayed that his gifted foresight has inevitably proven true to life in most instances.  Hauntingly, Atreides recalls that his vivid dreams often become painful nightmares. 

            Atreides places his thumper and waits for Shai Halud to enter as his steed.  While he calmly shifts his weight on the sand beneath him, a feeling in his gut tells him that this day may not be one for The Makers.  Atreides shakes his present fugue state off and latches onto his Maker Hooks to pull himself onto the back of the enormous sandworm as it bursts forth from beneath the granules to greet its master.  Once Atreides mounts the worm, he directs the beast toward the action which will transpire before them.  He moves the worm in the direction of two beings of such immense size that they both far exceed the largest thinking machines ever created, or banned within the boundaries of his own Imperium.  A few hundred feet away, a sixth sense speaks to Apollo to assist his teammate. Apollo rushes to the aid of Atreides in what is sure to be a showdown of monstrous proportions. 

            Two immense mechanical cities sit idle next to each other in the center of the desert.  Suddenly, the whirring and grinding of mechanical sections is heard as the two metropolises begin to stir.  While the cities begin to change, two combatants careen out of the purple-colored city.  Tommy Oliver, flying with his Legion flight ring and Vampire Achilles exit speedily while the area from which they began slowly transforms into a massive T-Rex constructed of Cybertronian metal.  In an almost instinctual response, the white city to its east morphs into a massive robot.  The two arch-enemies never thought that they would be gifted with the unique opportunity to do battle against one another on such a grand stage.  Although they would like nothing more than to fight one-on-one in a showcase of vocational skill, they are both aware that they will be interrupted by the interactions of several other powerful combatants whom they share the spotlight at this location.  Tripticon and Metroplex violently crash into one another, causing intense vibrations which scar the entire area. 

            The deafening blow to his eardrums is more than enough cause for Tommy Oliver, also known as the Green Ranger, to pull out his dagger and use it like a flute for the purpose of summoning the Mighty Dragonzord.  Metroplex is forced to break off his existing battle and instead readies himself to face an incoming Dragonzord.  Meanwhile, Atreides barely is able to dismount from his sandworm as the monster rushes toward Tripticon.  The Transformers’ fight will have to be continued at a later time.

            While the monstrosities ready themselves for their respective skirmishes, the humanoid combatants prepare to face one another themselves.  Tommy Oliver pulls out his Green Ranger weapon and former lightsaber of Jedi Master Plo Koon and combines the two to create an energy blast which targets Apollo as he approaches the Saban-spun hero from the air.  Atreides unsheathes his blade, ready to confront Vampire Achilles as the former and current Horseman races toward him. 

            Sandworm #8 crashes into Tripticon and knocks the immense Decepticon down onto the dunes.  Tripticon is able to utilize the momentum of the worm and uses its T-Rex arms to throw the Maker off him.  Tripticon then brings down a massive foot onto the monster, crushing the center of it into the sand.  Tripticon takes advantage of the worm’s wounds and unleashes a massive wave of energy from his inner-mouth mounted cannon.  The burst strikes the bearer of the will of Shai-Halud with a thousand times the heat of the sun of Arrakis and kills it instantly.

            Meanwhile, the Dragonzord hits Metroplex with two skyscraper leveling punches to knock him backward.  Metroplex responds by throwing some “wicked” metal punches of his own.  The two behemoths trade blows until the Dragonzord takes a step back from the fracas and begins charging his primary finisher weapon.  As the Zord conjures the proper power, Metroplex rushes in and fights through the initial energy burst.  The enormous Autobot sends a flattened ridge hand directly into the metal beast’s chest.  Circuitry and sparks fly out of the exposed cavity as Metroplex places his massive foot on the damaged chest of the Zord and grabs a hold of its head.  Metroplex then pulls with all of his might until the head is no longer attached to the body of the Dragonzord. 

            Tripticon notices that Metroplex is himself no longer in his encounter and begins to stomp his way to begin, once again, and subsequently finish, the fight.  While en route, Tripticon lends a hand to his teammate, Oliver, by sending a charge of energy toward Apollo.  Apollo is knocked backward from the detonation and weakened, which allows Oliver time to focus his Morphin energy at Apollo and conjure his own energy lashing.  The emanation knocks a scorched Apollo to the ground, which Oliver immediately uses to his own advantage.  The ranger wastes no time and drives both his mystical dagger and blue lightsaber into Apollo’s chest to finish him. 

            Tommy Oliver reminisces about his current circumstances as he lifts from the air with his Legion flight ring.  He knows that he has been a valued member of the Horsemen since day one of the League’s creation.  Seeing the demise of Apollo reminds Oliver of his first ever start in Season 1, Week 1.  Superman (now his teammate, but then a member of TEAM—a/k/a Team Ed) spared him that day after a stalemate skirmish with Seraph, but he has never quite lived down the stigma of being the only Horsemen to ever retreat from a match.  Now faced with what will undoubtedly be his last venture, the Green Ranger flies off to find his next fight.

            The ground shakes as Metroplex and Tripticon resume their battle, but it does not bother two hardened warriors such as Atreides and Achilles.  Achilles’ smirk and pomposity continue to shine upon his face, but he cannot help but think about how he has never faced a man like Atreides who moves with such speed and grace.  A master of numerous fighting methods and skills, Atreides is also secretly impressed by the prowess of his enemy.  Atreides parries the attacks of Achilles and allows the sword of the Greek to glance off of his personal Holtzman Shield when it is swung too quickly.  Nonetheless, Atreides senses that it will take more than a stab wound from the tooth of a Maker in the form of his crysknife to kill this undead soldier.  Atreides hollers out a scream to enact the weirding way taught to him by his Bene Gesserit mother to shatter the shield of Achilles with his voice.  Atreides then spins into the air and grabs a chunk of wood from the shield before it hits the ground and drives it into the heart of Achilles.  He then sends it further in by issuing a thrust from the butt end of his crysknife to finish off the vampire. 

            Atreides turns to his right and sees that he is not going to get even a second’s rest from fighting.  Tommy Oliver approaches his enemy slowly in the air, while still acknowledging the other FFL Year One Draftee.  Both men recognize that each was drafted by the very team they fight for now in The Season 1 draft.  Both men have remained through the many administrative changes occurring on their own teams.  Both men came to this fight prepared to die and both realize that after the skirmish that is about to take place, one will.  Oliver lands upon the ground and sheathes his lightsaber while Atreides deactivates his Holtzman Shield.  The two pull out their daggers in unison to dual in the truest form of combat.  Oliver nods, while Atreides issues the ancient Fremen adage reserved for only the most worthy of opponents, “May your blade shatter and crack.” 

            With the respective pleasantries completed, the two clash in a pitched battle, while they pay no heed to the enormous altercation taking place between two city-sized Transformers less than a few hundred yards away.  Atreides’ crysknife glances off of Tommy’s chest-shield several times, while the Green Ranger manages to get close enough to slice two of the catch pocket tubes in Maud Dib’s stillsuit.  The two   catch each other’s hands in a grappling position, but Atreides breaks the silence of their battle as he begins to overpower the Ranger. 

            “It would have been an honor to have your water amongst my sietch”, says Atreides as he releases the grapple and ducks down low, thrusting upward with his Fremen weapon and forcing it under Oliver’s helmet and into his head. 

            The damaged Transformers begin to show structural weariness due to the fact that they have pounded one another for such a lengthy period of time.  Tripticon attempts to gain an advantage over his current nemesis and, once again, unleashes a blast from his mouth cannon.  Metroplex’s agility is mystifying for such a giant as he is able to dodge the discharge by dropping to one knee.  The massive Autobot spins on its knee and delivers an uppercut to Tripticon.  The Horseman is dizzied by the blow, which allows Metroplex the opportunity to lift Tripticon up over his head and bring him down into an earthquake causing back breaker which extinguishes his arch-enemy’s spark once and for all.           

            Atreides looks to Metroplex and a smile creases across his face. 

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: PROLOGUE II

             As I stumble further into the city, I look to my left and see the remains of a skirmish between combatants. A Ferrari lies motionless against a building with the remains of a driver behind the wheel.   I also notice an expanse of robotic limbs and pieces strewn across the area. 

            I walk to a nearby wooden bench which has miraculously withstood the skirmishes that transpired in this zone.  I sit back, exhausted, and look to the sky above.  I search for the blazing emblem and lost participant’s likeness which have intermittently lighted the heavens throughout the match.  I was informed in my locker room that the current Watcher was inspired by an author of teenage dystopian novels and would be adding this dimension to the match.   Thus, when a participant passes away during the Universe Bowl, his or her guise is mirrored in the sky above for all to either amuse, or bemoan. 

            Now that I am the last survivor of this Universe Bowl and have seen all other likenesses in the sky, I only await the ship which will take me back to my team’s locker room.  A locker room where Mysterio will stand alone. . . but triumphant.  

A new TEAMmate

We here at the Fantasy Fantasy League are very pleased to announce the arrival of the newest TEAMmate, Edwin Maxwell Zacharski - 8lbs 5oz. A huge congratulations go out to his parents Ed and Sarah!

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER IV: FAMILY FRACAS IN THE FOREST

            A soft voice is heard in the background as a figure hovers over an unseen mechanism.  The being is surrounded by the dense foliage associated with the Playoff Planet’s forest region. 

            “...so I was thinking about love tonight...,” states Billy Mack.

            “And you realized it was all around,” finishes Joe.

            “Hey look I’m serious, I just left Elton’s where there was a...” chimes Billy Mack before his voice is quickly cut off by the voice of Chris Artrip in Black Lantern form.

            “What are you doing over there?” asks BL Chris Artrip toward the figure.

            “Umm, nothing,” replies Black Lantern Julie Artrip to her dead husband as she briskly puts her cell phone away and steps from the trees’ shadows.

            “No seriously, what are you doing over there?” requests BL Chris.

            “None of your f@#$ing business, okay…  Sweetie,” responds BL Julie.

            A frustrated BL Chris flies over to his bride and floats in front of her face, an angered look creasing his decayed face.

            “You were watching a movie instead of paying attention to the match,” says BL Chris through gritted teeth.

            “I was watching ‘Love Actually!’  Okay?!?!  Which is more than just a movie. . .  Honey.”

            “Well get your sh%t together asap because we are not going to be taking this team lightly!  I want to win this championship and I want to be the one to see it through!”

            “You think pretty highly of yourself don’t you… Sugar Tits!” coos BL Julie.

            BL Chris’ face becomes even more grotesque.  “Kiss my a$$ Julie. Just because we were brought back to life doesn’t mean we have to be friends!  I wouldn’t touch your desiccated piece if the owner paid me!”

            “Suits me just fine… Babe,” replies BL Julie.  “It was ‘til death do us part after all; nothing about post mortem in that contract.”

            “F$@# you, you defunct dirt-napping piece of drek!”

            BL Julie appears to have actually been hurt by that last comment of her spouse.  “Have fun winning the match all by yourself... D#ck!”  BL Julie turns around.  The cell phone floats upward from her shredded garment and she begins to look upon one of the best romantic comedies of the last decade, once again.

            BL Chris turns around to leave his dearly departed when he suddenly finds himself staring face to foot with an AT-ST.  He mumbles an expletive that cannot be heard and twists his head slightly around. 

            “Umm, honey,” begins BL Chris.  “I think I am going to need a little help here.”

            BL Julie begrudgingly begins to turn her attention away from the movie as she chatters to BL Chris. 

            “Oh now you need some help in this,” BL Julie says.

            Before BL Julie can finish making light of her husband’s bravado, she finds herself engulfed in a barrage of laser fire from the AT-ST. The fusillade knocks her to the ground where she is rendered barely conscious.  BL Chris quickly soars over to his wife; dead or not, arguing or not, he still loves her putrefying body. BL Julie is badly wounded, but he notices, in relief, that her black lantern ring is still intact.  His mind is put to ease in a brief respite.  BL Chris leaves her lying on the ground and flies up to the cockpit of the Imperial monster only to find a familiar face behind the viewport.

            “Oh hey, Heather, fancy meeting you here tonight,” exclaims BL Chris.

            Heather Houslander opens up the channel on her communications’ system so that her voice can be heard outside of the vehicle. 

            “Charming to the last, Chris,” replies Houslander.

            “I swear if you lay another finger on her...” an enraged BL Chris begins to spout.

            “You’ll what? Kill me?” she mockingly laughs.  “You think somebody like me has any chance of surviving a match like this?  My fate is already predetermined by the powers that be!” 

            BL Chris hovers above her cockpit, speechless.

            “Go ahead Chris,” antagonizes Houslander, “make a couple more idle threats!”

            “I’ll show you what an idle threat looks like!” admonishes BL Chris.

            BL Chris smashes the cockpit’s window and lunges straight for Houslander’s chest.  His right claw rips through her bosom and pulls her heart out through the leather jacket she is wearing. Heather dies.  BL Chris notices that the now dead Heather Houslander lays motionless in her seat with an eerily, discomforting smile on her face. BL Chris shrugs off the strange sight and consumes the remaining chunk of her heart.  When he finishes (quickly as rumor has it), he floats out of the broken cockpit and notices that where his wife once was, only a single, hatched egg remains.  He brazenly flies down to where BL Julie was lying down.  The dead lantern picks up pieces of the shell and wonders what sprang forth from the egg.  He notices a small squeak as a miniature dinosaur hops out from behind the bushes with blood around its muzzle and a dead female’s arm with a black lantern ring on it.  BL Chris becomes enraged.

            “Oh you piece of s@#& motherf$@&er! I am going to rip your G-dd@$& c@&#sucking heart right out of your...”

            “But I am afraid you will not arrive at the chance to do so Mr. Artrip,” a softly spoken BL Albus Dumbledore states.

            BL Albus Dumbledore removes the ring off of the lantern’s hand with all the skill and professionalism he had when he was the Head Master of Hogwarts. As the black lantern formally known as Artrip crumbles into nothingness, a look of almost sadness rises to his face.  A tragedy of the events suffered by his team due to his own hubris clouds his thoughts as he loses his final life in the league.

            “What a shame it is to take the life of somebody with such promise. I mean, not that this exactly fits the situation, but just in general.  It is such a shame,” ponders BL Dumbledore.

            BL Dumbledore floats to where the little lizard is and rubs the head of the Yoshi, as it still chews on the shriveled arm of BL Julie Artrip. The two of them stand together for another moment longer to take in their last bit of calm before they rejoin the rest of their team in the never ending storm.

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER III: METALLIC MASKED MAYHEM

 

            The blaring sound of a motor vehicle’s horn echoes throughout the streets of the metropolis located on the Playoff Planet.

            *BEEEEEEEE…..EEEEEE…..EEEEEE…..EEEE…..EPPPPP……PPPPPP*

            The horn continues its staccato clamor from the Highness' Ferrari.  A closer look evidences a tattered and broken body crumpled against the steering wheel of the automobile. The corpse is of "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan.  The wrestling legend’s headband and glistening, tanned muscles are long forgotten as the legend is dead behind the wheel.  A small groan emanates from behind the car as John McClane slowly rises to his feet.  He stumbles slightly as he attempts to gain his balance from the accident.

            "Maybe you should leave the vehicular homicide to your son," quips McClane as he dusts himself off.  A grimace reaches his face at the aches that shudder through his body.  Although out of breath, the “Die Hard” hero smiles to himself as he recalls being able to roll with the impact of the car running into him and surviving the incident.  He barely managed to skirt death and he knows it.

            He shakes the haziness from his head and locates his Attack Trak across the street.  As he begins to move toward the vehicle, his ears buzz with an unidentifiable snarl.  He is violently hit from behind causing his body to slam into the wreckage of the Ferrari he previously escaped from. Vampire Kang the Conqueror screams at the man who makes dying hard. McClane lies on the ground, nearly unconscious.  Kang grips the battered shirt of McClane and picks him up, smelling McClane’s blood as it courses through his veins.   As the undead attempts to feed on the human, he howls in fury since his efforts are thwarted by his full facemask.  This mistake makes Kang howl as this is a mistake that is unusual for the normally well-prepared conqueror.

            "Sorry friend, but you gotta buy me dinner before we start necking,” states McClane as he is roused from his weakened state.  “But I will give you a preview of how far I'm willing to go with you!"

            McClane knees Kang in the crotch and the villain crumples to the ground. McClane quickly stands up and manages to nail a sweet, roundhouse kick to Kang's face.  Kang ferociously strikes the ground. McClane instantly reacts and miraculously tears off Kang's mask.  Kang screams at the top of his undead lungs as the Playoff Planet’s sunlight finishes off the Conqueror in a heated explosion of ash.   

            "Yippee-ki-yay Motherf@%ker." utters McClane. 

            The former New York cop begins to walk away from the skirmish when he senses something amiss.  He suddenly turns around.  He hears a loud voice loudly emitting over the Ferrari’s radio.

            "-ool. You think that one such as Kang shall fall to the likes of a simple human police officer?!?!    Kang shall be the one to usher in your DOOMSDAY!"

            "Oh COME ON!" McClane responds.

            McClane hears a thunderous crash behind him and methodically turns around to see Cyber-Doomsday's body.  The machine, from previous experiences, now houses the consciousness of the actual Conqueror. As McClane anticipates and then braces for the worst, Cyber-Doomsday is tackled mid-charge by a blur.  The two beings crash through building after building, leaving a smattering of both bricks and mortar in their wake.

            "You may now be known as ‘Doomsday’ Kang, but I shall forever be known as ANNIHILUS!"

            The former ruler of the Negative Zone begins hammering the half cyborg body of his foe with his Cosmic Control Rod.  The voice of Kang begins to crackle and sputter as his robotic components are methodically decimated.

            "I...ill vae my.....ryptonian....half...”  the Cyber-Doomsday-Kang-the-Conqueror combo states as he begins to raise one of his massive fists.

            "Not anymore," replies Annihilus as he unleashes a massive blast of cosmic energy that finally puts the monster down.

            "Come, human" Annihilus says to McClane as he fires up his vehicle. "We still have much to do."

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER II: CHESS OF THE COSMOS

          Numerous beings are seen hovering in space.  They are gathered around an invisible table suspended in the starry wasteland.  The One-Above-All and Q Continuum are gathered around the long board.  Since both sides are omnipotent and omniscient, they are locked in an unending struggle.  The two sides second, third, and quadruple guess each other without actually making any moves due to their inherent character traits. 

             It is only logical that the Qs could simply blink and remove all of the Horsemen from the battlefield.  In that same vein, the One-Above-All could do the same.  Notwithstanding, the beings recognize that there would be no fun in either endeavor.  Thus, they mutually decide to settle in for a little game.  Knowing the rules of the game before it even commences, the two sides determine that their game of Chess will involve only one pawn, the High Evolutionary.  The game’s winner will be decided by who can render the being the most docile so that the High Evolutionary transforms into the “High Harmless One.”  Whatever entity is able to accomplish this task will render the other side impotent and will force them to walk away from the table and fade into nothingness.  

            The High Evolutionary is transported to the side of his comrade, the One-Above-All.   The true cosmic entity looks at his teammate.

            “Although you may be recognized as the pinnacle of human potential, you are still but a human in our eyes,” states the One-Above-All, in a matter of fact way.  “I thank you for your willingness to subject yourself for the betterment of the Horsemen.”

            The High Evolutionary grimaces.  “For the betterment of the Horsemen,” the former geneticist says through clenched teeth.  The playing piece floats to the top of the game table.

            The Qs gather into a circle and the cosmos swirl about them.  Their minds meld into a single idea and they make their decision on what to do.  The Qs look at the High Evolutionary and the entity transforms into a poodle.   The High Poodle yaps at the embarrassment of being morphed into a compliant canine.  The Evolutionary Dog begins to foam at the mouth.  He barks in dismay as he realizes that the One-Above-All gave him rabies.

            The Qs meld their minds together and in the blink of an eye, the High Evolutionary is transformed into a white mouse.  The tiny rodent scampers across the table and screeches at the indignity which has taken place thus far.  In response to a painful squeak, the One-Above-All looks at the High Evolutionary in its current form and infects the beast with the deadly Hantavirus.

            The Q's turn to the One-Above-All and, in unison, shrug.  It appears that the One-Above-All has bested the entire Q Continuum.  The Qs then hold their hands together and smile.  The One-Above-All cocks its head in anticipation of the Qs next move.  The Qs blink as one and the High Evolutionary becomes what is clearly the most impotent and harmless creature imaginable. 

            The shrieks of the High Evolutionary are heard as violent echoes throughout the Playoff Planet’s landscapes. 

            “NO! NOOOOOO!!!!  Not this! Anything, but this! I'd rather die!"  

            With an agonizing shout, the High Evolutionary stares at himself in the glare of a star which shines upon the immense, cosmic table.  He has become a “Murderfly.”  Absolutely refusing to exist as this character, even for the briefest of moments, he uses his cosmic powers to kill himself.  The High Evolutionary explodes into a million pieces of sound and energy. 

            The One-Above-All stares at where his companion once was besmirched as a toy amongst the cosmic gods.  The One-Above-All knew that the gamble of utilizing one of his own companions as a game piece may not pay off, especially while facing the powerful Qs.  

            Grins reach the faces of the entire Q Continuum, once again.  The One-Above-All quietly walks away from the table in defeat and fades into nothingness.

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: CHAPTER I: MYSTICISM IN THE MARSHLANDS

           

            The muted smell of decay permeates the air.  The undead scour the area and hear whimsical banter between two alleged combatants.  Black Lantern Yoda and Dracula trudge through the murky waters beneath their feet and peak from the mossy cypress trees camouflaging their whereabouts.  Their prey has been located as they focus on both Yoda and the Phantom Stranger.  The diminutive Jedi and paranormal warrior face each other as they play a heated game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors.”  Although unknown as to actually how Yoda is rendering his effects on the Stranger, the wizened creature uses his Jedi mind tricks to push the Phantom Stranger to repeatedly throw “Rock” which Yoda easily beats every time by throwing “Paper.” 

             “Our chance, this is” whisper BL Yoda to Dracula.

            “Yaaahhh.  I vant to kill dem!  Ah-ha-ha-ha,” responds Dracula.

            “The Count, you are?” asks BL Yoda.

            Dracula scoffs at the rebuke and focuses upon his enemy again.  The two Horsemen know they are at the Graveyard’s precipice as they each are down to their last death in the league.  Destroying the mighty Yoda and Phantom Stranger in the Universe Bowl would be a gloriously historic way to finish their lives and “go out.”  BL Yoda and Dracula rush the two Highness teammates and act quick enough to take the Phantom Stranger by surprise.  BL Yoda uses the Force to push and subsequently hold the Stranger to the  spongy ground. Dracula springs into action as his instincts arouse him to immediately focus on the Stranger’s neck.  Time passes in less than a blink of an eye as Dracula is upon the Stranger and he immediately begins to feast. 

            As the vampire king dines upon the blood spewing forth from the Stranger’s collar, BL Yoda barely has enough time to react and block a retaliatory lightsaber strike from Yoda.  The two incarnations of the Jedi Master are locked in a fantastic dual.  Each copy anticipates the moves from the other with excellent precision.  Trees and foliage bend and singe as the duo bounce, spin and wield their lightsabers.

            Dracula slowly raises his head above the newly deceased as he has finished his snack.  He immediately moves in to assist his teammate, but suddenly hesitates.  The two Yodas move so quickly that the aged vampire cannot tell which Yoda is his friend and which his foe.  He decides to wait for a better opportunity to make his decisive move.

            BL Yoda jumps back from the skirmish and throws a blackened ball of energy at the living Yoda.  Yoda quickly drops his lightsaber and twists in the air, showing his agility as he uses both hands to block the scorching energy being pushed at him.  As Yoda lands on the marshy floor, he stands firm as the energy pulsates between the two, rendering colors ranging from the entire spectrum.  The harder BL Yoda pushes, the harder living Yoda resists.  The strain becomes evident on the faces of the duo and they slowly slog toward one another.  The ball of energy between the two grows larger as the two come closer.  The two Yodas are only a few feet apart as the glowing aura becomes almost overwhelming.

            Dracula knows he needs to intervene, but the spurning light between the two now plays tricks on his eyes as he is still unsure of which Yoda is his brethren.  The undead prince strains to look for the ring on one of their hands, but the ball of energy prevents him from doing so.  A glimmer of a smile rises to his lips as he thinks of an idea that he knows only the living Yoda will respond to.

            “Looook!  It's George Washington!” Dracula yells.

            Dracula’s plan seems to work as he notices a slight reaction from one of the Yodas who desperately wants to look at his former leader.  Dracula immediately rushes at his enemy and sinks his sharpened fangs deep into Yoda’s neck.  The shock experienced by the living Yoda at Dracula’s attack breaks the resistance he has over the energy.  The amplitude of the explosion throws BL Yoda across the swamp, while consuming both Yoda as well as Dracula, who has made a selfless sacrifice in order to defeat his enemy.  Dracula has sent himself to the Graveyard to take down the powerful Yoda.  BL Yoda recovers and stares at the decimation caused by the blast.

            BL Yoda quietly mumbles, “Remembered, my comrade, you will be.  You will be. . .”

UNIVERSE BOWL VI: PROLOGUE

             A cacophony of wails erupts as the wind lashes through the harsh rain.  I trudge through the desolation of the once sprawling metropolis.  The remaining twisted metal and concrete spew from the earth in response to the violence which previously transpired between the behemoths of the Universe Bowl.  My dome is caked with the chalky grit of the dust. Due to the ebbing shadows which now surround me, I am only able to focus on the rubble beneath my feet. I almost trip over the body of a former teammate and then subsequently slip on the entrails which litter the space.  I drop to my knees in exhaustion and stare into nothingness.

            My name is Quentin Beck and you may recognize me as a villain associated with the Amazing Spiderman.  But as I have proven in the past with my escapades associated with Daredevil, I am more than just a secondary criminal. . . especially today.  I am Mysterio and I am the lone survivor of the Season Six Universe Bowl. 

Universe Bowl Prologue

Both the teams died of old age waiting for Bryatu to show up and watch their match. It was unfortunate but even super heroes can't defeat Father Time. See you all next week at the Season 7 Draft. HA!!