Week 6: George Washington’s House Elves vs Super Kitties

House Elves: Bizarro Superman, Luke Skywalker in Luke’s Stealth X-Wing, Han Solo and Chewbacca in Imperial Shuttle, Galvatron, Ben Kenobi in Poe’s X-Wing, Mar-Vel, Archangel, Dash Rendar in X-Wing, Captain Panaka and Qui Gon Jinn and Admiral Piett in Nubian 327, Rom, Quark, Wesley Crusher, Commander Ryker, Zaheer, Prince Harry and Princess Meghan in B-Wing, Vampire #3-4

Kitties: Vampire Abeloth w/ Yellow Lantern Ring, Zombie Abeloth, Supergirl, Power Girl, Starfire, Blackfire, The Red Hood in Sith Starfighter, Green Arrow and Black Canary in 2 seater Y-Wing, Red X in X-Wing, Captain Steven Hiller in Y-Wing, and The 100 group in Count Dooku’s Ship

This week’s matchup takes place in the outer rim, and because I like to do a little bit of research, I decided more specifically we’re going to be in the Kanz sector. This really has no relevance and has not only wasted my time looking up some place to be, but now yours because you’ve read this. Since we're already here, I might as well say that the Kanz sector is home to the planet Jerne (I like this one because I imagine saying it like Journey, one of the best bands ever). 

Now that that’s over with, wait that’s two thats, ehh I don’t feel like fixing it. Anyways let’s get this match started. When you look at the Super Kitties in a matchup, you can always look forward to a #feminism movement like we see here today, so much so that Princess Meghan said ‘I’m out’ on the House Elves and switched teams. With Prince Harry all alone, he gets sad and blows up the B-Wing killing himself and Princess Meghan.

As for the other pilots, well I hope none of them also choose the kamikazee route. The House Elves have some good Star Wars pilots like Luke Skywalker, Ben Kenobi (probably needs to get the rust off for not flying in years), and Han Solo and Chewbacca. Wait… there not in the Falcon? Seriously? Yo wtf Chris, you had one job, you got Han Solo and Chewbacca, but couldn’t get the Millenium Falcon, I’m disappointed. You know what, Vampire Abeloth w/ Yellow Lantern Ring comes over and the look of her terrifies Han and Chewie to literally shit themselves which then feeds the Yellow Lantern Ring with their fear and Abeloth blasts them to a thousand bits.

Back to the other pilots… such good pilots, Luke, the black dude flying around Padme alongside the dude who gets stabbed by Maul, the Star Trek crew which aren’t even in a ship, a different version of Robin, Green Arrow and Black Canary couple, THE Will Smith, and a few other unmentioned pilots. This is the start of a huge, epic, glorious--- what? We don’t have the money to create this amazing battle? So you’re telling me I’m just gonna have to say who came out alive? Welp, sorry guys, you heard the producers, all that survived is my guy Will Smith--- I mean Captain Steven Hiller. Even after surviving such a great battle, so good that you could probably write an epic poem about it, like the Iliad, he doesn’t last long before Galvatron says wassup and crushes the ship.

All that’s left are the heavy hitters, and to be honest, it’s not looking good for the House Elves. Either way, Bizarro Superman still rushes into battle and is met with resistance from the girl of steel from two earth’s. Bizarro Superman is not second guessing his course of action, but it’s too late, the girls set in the attack. He’s about to meet his end before last second he rips Supergirl in half, in which 4 death Power Girl gets enraged and heat visions him to implode. Kitties seeing there’s not much work left to do, they all bring their girl power together and #metoo Galvatron out of existence.

As the Kitties celebrate, Mar-vel, Archangel, and Zaheer manage to sneak attack and kill the sisters Star and Blackfire. This leads to the two Abeloths unleashing their might on the remaining House Elves, and in their destruction they not only manage to kill them off, they also kill each other.

The Empire Vs. Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions

The Empire is Silver Surfer, White Lantern Swamp Thing, War Machine, Xerxes, Lt. Colonel Blue Grass w/ Quicksilver, Talleyhawk, Steelheart, Rayzor, Steelwill, Stronghold, The Copper Kid, & Mayday in The Marage, Zombie Capt. Marvel, Beowolf, Voltron of the Mid Universe, Ben Quadrineros in an ARC Fighter, Jolee Fishdo in an ARC Fighter, Snow White w/ Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Bashful, Doc, Vampire #2-3, and Thinking Machine #1-8 in The Event Horizon.

Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions are Hal Jordan, Boba Fett in a TIE Fighter, Saint Walker (w/ a green lantern ring), Guy Gardner, Cyborg in a TIE Fighter, Kilawog, Blue Beetle in a TIE Fighter, Lex Luthor in a TIE Fighter, Green Lantern Sinestro, White Lantern Deadman, Iron Patriot, Space Ghost w/ Mega Man X, and Blip in The Phantom Cruiser, Jan & Jace in their Shuttle, and Starscream's Ghost.

Two great space teams here folks, so let's not waste any time and jump right into the fight. Evenly matched dogfights ensue all over the place between TIE and ARC fighters with Marage and Phantom Cruiser joining in as well. Iron Patriot and War Machine square off immediately; but War Machine finds his Tony Stark hand-me downs to be outmatched against Iron Patriot's firepower. Osborne charges up a laser-guided missile and plants it directly into War Machine's chest to penetrate the armor and take him out.

Jedi Master Fishdo is leading The Empire's flight squadron; but it is pretty apparent that Quadrineros is the best pilot among them. Cyborg, wired into the controls of his TIE Fighter directly takes out Fishdo, flying in ARC 1; but ARC 2 (Quadrineros) uses his heightened senses and podracing skills to target Blue Beetle's TIE. Boba Fett finds that he can't quite do enough damage of the Cymek casing of Xerxes, who eventually clips the wing of Fett's TIE sending it out of control. Fett, manages to regain control and eject, sending out counter-measures that do more damage to The Ancient Titan than his laser blasts initially could. Boba Fett, then further ejects out of his escape apparatus and uses his jetpack to get onto the rear of Xerxes. A few well-placed thermal detonators finish the skirmish. Lex Luthor flies his TIE Fighter methodically and exactly how the schematics dictate; but this doesn't serve him well against the crazy, well-practiced flying of Colonel Bluegrass in the Marage who first ejects the four Silverhawks and their bird companions into the battle and then lights up Luthor with laser blasts. Space Ghost takes a cue from his teammate Boba Fett, who seems to be doing fine sans ship and ejects from The Phantom Cruiser, handing the controls off to Mega Man X. Space Ghost, in a truly O.P. Move proves nothing more than the fact that he was the writer of this match's favorite cartoon character as a kid. This causes the writer to ignore everything he knows about how powerful Dune Neo-Cymeks are and has Space Ghost press some buttons on his arm making Beowolf go boom.

Saint Walker is able to take out Mayday, Steelheart, and Stronghold with his dual lantern powers, but the rest of the Silverhawks team up and kill him with a bunch of spacebird like abilities.

Silver Surfer may very well be the most powerful player in today's game and we all know he can take out green lanterns when necessary, because we all saw what happened in the famous Marvel-DC Amalgam crossover from years back. But it isn't that Sissified-Artsy Raynor he is up against this time. Hal Jordan and Guy Gardner, the true Green Lanterns of earth team up on The Surfer and make him look as weak as he was in that old NES game where he couldn't even touch the walls without dying. Shortly thereafter, another Extremely powerful Empire character falls as Starscream's Ghost keeps taking over different bots in the combined gestalt of Voltron. The poor robot of the Mid-Universe goes insane as Starscream leaps from piece to piece forcing Voltron to play the stop hitting yourself game that every three year old finds hilarious. Voltron's initial robot programming kicks in forcing a self-destruct, which does manage to dissipate Starscream's Ghost along with the self-demise of Voltron.

Zombie Capt. Marvel tries to eat Sinestro's brain, but she dies instead.

White Lantern Swamp Thing proves that he is better with the white lantern power than White Lantern Deadman based solely on the fact that WL Swamp Thing is on death #4 and WL Deadman is not. Swamp Thing wins the power struggle and manages to contain the power; as the other White Lantern ring is ripped from the hand of Deadman and joined with Swamp Thing's making one white ring as the universe intended. Although this brings forth a paradox as Hal Jordan and Sinestro are also brought into the fray. All four of these potential white ring wielders are simultaneously brought together causing a divergence in the Universe. The white lantern ring is the embodiment of life; but so much life must cause death (I know that doesn't make any sense but it sounds like some cheesy, quasi-deep thing a comic book writer like Geoff Johns would say). The ring plants itself firmly onto the mossy finger of Swamp Thing; but unites all four ring bearers in death.

Kilawog wrecks Marage with a huge green fist and is then joined by Boba Fett and Iron Patriot as they face off against the remaining Silverhawks. A furious Steelwill who just lost his sister and his beloved bird manages to crack the shell of Iron Patriot, and Quicksilver sends a piercing karate chop into the heart of Kilawog; but in the end, once the cosmic dust had cleared, all the Silverhawks had fallen and only Boba Fett remained.

The Phantom Cruiser, piloted by Mega Man X is able to take out Ben Quadrineros' ARC Fighter on their way to dock on the massive Event Horizon along with Jan and Jace in their shuttle and Cyborg in his TIE Fighter. They had all received a distress signal from the ship saying that the Empire Members on board were all prepared to surrender as soon as they were boarded by the Barkley's squad. Boba Fett too, received this transmission through his Mandalorian Helmet and made the Turrible Decision of answering the call. The ship seemed abandoned from the outside; but once they entered and heard the door shut solid behind them they all realized that the ship was indeed very functional. Once inside they saw things that I as a Watcher cannot possibly describe. Vampires, dwarves, and vampire dwarves ripping the flesh from the bones of anything in site, creepy and evil thinking machines designed to do intense and vile harm to any bag of flesh they come across, Sam Neil trying to revive his career after being typecast as Dr. Grant from Jurassic Park, and scariest of all: A woman who is able to simultaneously live with seven men. Fett, Mega Man X, Blip, and Cyborg all die gruesome and terrifying deaths at the hands of The evil Event Horizon Ship; so do Jan and Jace; but they are too stupid to feel actual human pain.

It is too late for their teammates to be spared their gruesome demise; but The Event Horizon and its murderous, haunted ways are destroyed externally as Space Ghost and Guy Gardner combine their powers to blow the ship up for good.

Week 6: Be Gentle v Striders of Rohan

Be Gentle It’s My First Time: Poe Dameron and BB-8 in Stealth X-Wing, 4 Jedi Knights (all at 4 Deaths) in 4 A-Wings, 2 Guild Navigators in 2 Guild Ships, 2 Jedi Knights in 2 B-Wings, Dr. Fate (4 Deaths), The Terrorcons (Gurrr, Ripper Snapper, Blot, Sinnertwin, Cutthroat, Cindersaur), Zombie Super Boy, King Xeno, Black Lantern Super Boy, Plo-Koon with a Green Lantern Ring in Porkins X-Wing, Beerus God of Destruction, Hera and Zeus, 4 Transformers (All at 4 Deaths), Halo Ring 

Striders of Rohan: The Guardians of the Galaxy (Starlord, Gamora, Drax, Rocket, Groot, Nebula, Mantis) (All at 4 Deaths) In Starlords Ship, Yondu and Kraglin in 2 Y-Wings, Snoke and 10 Hydra Soldiers in a Star Destroyer, Admiral William Kelly (4 Deaths) in TIE Silencer, Apocalypse, Ragnarok, The Comedian in Y-Wing, Visas Marr in Princess Leia’s Stealth X-Wing, Adam Warlock (4 Deaths), White Lantern Hal Jordan (4 Deaths), Earth 2 Batman in X-Wing, IG Bounty Hunter in X-Wing, Steve Yzerman, Goblin 10-12.

Gentle Squad Begins warming up the Halo Ring, set for the destruction of the system, to take them on the glorious journey to the afterlife. Taking defensive positions around the superstructure are the Zombie Super Boy, Black Lantern Super Boy, Guild Ships, Dr. Fate, The Terrorcons, Hera and Zeus, and the 4 Transformers. Snoke exits hyperspace just inside the range of the defenders and begins bombarding them with Turbolasers, Gurrr and Ripper Snapper are destroyed. Both Teams then launch their fighters with Gentle's goal of destroying the Star Destroyer and Strider's goal to shut down the Halo Ring.  The guild ships begin a charge at the Star Destroyer as the only crew on board are the pilots. Yondu and Kraglin and The Comedian begin a bombing run on the guild ships, with the Guardians, Visas Marr, Batman, and The IG Bounty Hunter providing an escort. But a dogfight ensues when 4 A-Wings, piloted by 4 Jedi Knights, Plo-Koon in Porkins X-Wing and the 2 B-Wings meet them in space.  Amidst the fighting Kraglin, The Comedian, the IG Droid, the 2 Jedi Knights in B-wings, and 2 of the 4 A-Wings are destroyed and One Guild Ship is disabled. Poe and BB-8 Launch from the Halo Ring but quickly come under fire from Admiral Kelly in his TIE Silencer, but following evasive maneuvers, Poe dispatches his opponent.  

Meeting with the rest of the Squad, Poe Leads the offensive against the Star Destroyer. With the guild ship getting very close to hitting the Star Destroyer, the Hydra Soldiers fire a full salvo devastating the Guild Ship and another A-Wing Unlucky enough to be in the path. But upon the loss of one guild ship, Dr.Fate and the 2 Undead Super Boys give the other Guild Ship enough Momentum to begin a second charge. This time the ship makes contact with the bridge causing a chain explosion through the star destroyer killing all inside. In the dogfight surrounding the wreckage Poe, BB-8, Plo, and the A-Wing come under heavy fire from the Guardians, Yondu, Marr, and Batman. Yondu and Batman are quickly outflown by Poe and BB-8 who begin firing upon them, both are destroyed. The Guardians and Marr succeed in destroying the last Jedi Knight and Plo-Koon before retreating.

With the Halo Ring nearing the completion of the warmup, the Striders group for one last big attack. Apocalypse, Ragnarok, The Guardians, Marr, Adam Warlock, and White Lantern Hal Jordan begin the flight to the Ring where they meet the much larger force of Dr. Fate, Poe Dameron and BB-8, the remaining Terrorcons, Zombie Super Boy, King Xeno, Black Lantern Super Boy, Beerus God of Destruction, Hera, Zeus, and the 4 Transformers. The two sides clashed down upon each other in a 50’s cartoon dust cloud, with Dr. Fate, Poe, and BB-8 being the only survivors but the Halo Ring was damaged leaving it inoperable.  

Week 5 Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions vs The Dramatic LGBTQ Kitties From Luna

Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions are Q, Q2, Lady Q, q, Colonel Q, and Quinn, Balrogs #1-5, Cyborg, Treebeard, Ents #1-2, Shrek and Donkey, Jedi Padawans #1-15, Venom (Flash Thompson), Bronze Dragons #1-4, Silver Dragons #1-4, Purple Dragons #1-5, Griffens #1-5, White Dragons #1-3, Shield Agents #4-13, Stryker, Haskeer, Coila, Jup, Alfray, and Mani-orcs #1-10, Nazgul #5 on his fell beast, Dragons #1-3, Nurgle the Plaguelord, Skeletor, Nightcrawler, Borg #1-10, Neo Cymeks #1-5, Usagi Yojimbo and Jotaro, Fortress Maximus, his Head, and his Head’s Head, Boba Fett, Mace Windu, Robo-Barkley, Khal Drogo, Saint Walker w/ Green Lantern Ring, Blanka.

The Dramatic Super Kitties of Luna are Vampire Abeloth, Zombie Abeloth, Supergirl, Powergirl, Cicada, Savitar, Goliath of Gath, Iron Giant, Lara Croft, Katness Everden, The Protectobots: Hot Spot, Streetwise, Blades Groove, and First Aid, Aphrodite, Shockwave, Michael Myers, Splinter w/ Force Saber, Hermoine Granger, Hades, Ocean Master, Sonic and Tails, The Immature Radioactive Samurai Slugs, New Sisterhood Sister #1-3, Gold Dragon #2-3, Baby Ewok #4-5, and Bene Gesserit Reverend Mother #1-3. 

Due to precautions being taken for the Covid -19 Outbreak, this match did take place, but no spectators were allowed to witness it; so we do not actually know what happened .  This very well may be how other sports take place in the future. Get used to it.

We noticed that the only person to come back to the locker room alive was:  Usagi Yojimbo; which must mean that CHARLES BARKLEY’S TURRIBLE DECISIONS WERE VICTORIOUS! 

Democracy Week 6: John and Vader's House of Sith Aids vs The Traveling Sisterhood of Tarded Body Shamed Shorties.

John and Vader’s House Of Sith Aid’s are Red Son Superman, The Fallen, Thunderstrike, The Anti-Moniter, The Predacons: Razorclaw, Divebomb, Headstrong, Rampage, and Tantrum, Maxima, Darth Vader w/red lantern ring in his TIE Advanced, Vehicle Voltron, Grand Moff Tarkin in a TIE Interceptor, Jedi Youngling #1 in a TIE interceptor, Jedi Youngling #2 in a TIE interceptor

The Traveling Sisterhood of Tarded Body Shamed Shorties are Squad in a Super Star Destroyer Captained by Vorian Atreides, Omega Supreme, Zombie Omega Supreme, Starscream w/ a Orange Lantern Ring, Thundercracker, Skywarp, Skyfire, Vampire Green Lantern, Star Fox in a Z-95 Headhunter, StarWolf in a Z-95 Headhunter, Slippy Toad in a Z-95 Headhunter, Soundblaster w/ Decepticon Cassette #1-3 (Helping out in Star  Destroyer), Powerglide, Cosmos, and Super Saiyan Conner Weidmen.

Make Sure To Wash Your Hands After Voting

Two Hungry Dino-Mites with Bubble Fightin Fun Down Tight Vs. Be Gentle It's My First Time Vs. The Striders of Rohan Vs. Ahsoka's Acrobatic Assassins

Two Hungry Dino-Mite Assassins with Acrobatics Down Tight Vs. The Gentle Striders of First Rohan


Two Hungry Dino-Mites with Bubble Fightin Fun Down Tight are Ranx: The Sentient City, Black Racer, Voldemort (w/ a yellow lantern ring), Cal Kestis, BD-1, Cere, & Greeze in The Mantis, Axe Cop w/ Wexler, Black Lantern Flash, Zam Wessell in an X-Wing, Jay Garrick (w/ a green lantern ring), Star Sapphire Wonder Woman, Earth 3 Injustice League: Ultraman, Supermwoman, Owlman w/ Talon in a 1980 Mustang, Johnny Quick, & Power Ring, Aquaman, Kit Fisto, Nadar Vebb, Big Barda, Booster Gold, Kid Flash, Mas y Menos, Nightwing on his Motorcycle, Wedge Antilles in an X-Wing, Biggs Darklighter in an X-Wing, Cassian Andor and K-2S0 in their U-Wing, Bossk in Hound's Tooth, Sand Trooper #1-9 on Dewback #1-9, Giant Hammer Bros. #1-2, Boomerang Bros. #1-5, Rebel Soldier #6 on a 4-Wheeler, & some broccoli.

Be Gentle It's My First Time is Doomsday, Black Goku, The Sinister 6: Green Goblin, Sandman, Dr. Octopus, Electro, Mysterio, & Vulture, Black Atom, Dr. Fate, Granny Goodness w/ The Female Furies, Superboy, Zombie Superman, Zombie Superboy, Black Lantern Superboy, Guild Ship w/ Guild Navigator & Capt. Kahn, Guild Ship w/ Guild Navigator & Capt. Janeway, Poe Dameron & BB-8 in a Stealth X-Wing, Darth Malak, Plo Koon in an A-Wing, 3 Jedi Knights in 3 A-Wings, 4 Jedi Knights in 4 B-Wings, Goku (w/ a green lantern ring), Gohan, 1 Transformer, Alex Vento, & Chuck Norris in a Penguin Suit.

The Striders of Rohan are HYDRA Soldiers #1-10 in 5 AT-ST, Admiral William Kelley in an X-Wing, IG Bounty Hunter in an X-Wing, Kylo Ren (w/ Red lantern ring) in TIE Silencer, Yondu in a Y-Wing, Kraglin in a Y-Wing, E2 Batman in the O.G. Batmobile, E2 Catwoman, Batman (Dick Grayson) w/ Robin (Damien Wayne), Odin (w/ The White Lantern Ring), Apocalypse, White Lantern Hal Jordan, Ghost Rider, Scorpion, Circuit Breaker, Magneto, Ragnarok, Vampire Neo, The Incredibles: Mr. Incredible, Elasti-Girl, Violet, Dash, & Jack-Jack w/ Fro-Zone, Supreme Leader Snoke, Baron Mordo, Brother Blood, Black Flash, King Kong, Samwise Gamgee (w/ blue lantern ring), Gondor Soldier #1 (Doriath the Brave), & Gondor Soldier #2.

Ahsoka's Acrobatic Assassins are Sarumon, The Father, Son, & Daughter (in a penguin suit), of Mortis, Martian Manhunter w/ Miss Martian, Brainiac in The Skull Ship, Poseidon, Grand Master Luke Skywalker, Reverse Flash, Franklin Richards, Jason Bourne (w/ an indigo lantern ring), Black Lantern Omega Supreme, Black Lantern Neo, (Legends) Leia Organa-Solo, C-3PO, Vampire Capt. Marvel, Vampire Superman, & Zombie #12.


These four massive teams combined into two great alliances prepare to embark on what could be the greatest battle ever watched and put forth in words by the Great and Powerful Lord of the Watchers himself: Joshatu The Magnificent. But instead, Joshatu has done come down with a wicked blast of The Rona and is going to let The Neon Master Pogo in all of his glory make what should be an incredible match-up a five page long fart joke instead (figure the world could use a good laugh right about now).

Hold up: This is Joshatu, let me at least set the stage (coff, coff)....

The Dino-Mites and Assassins at first thought that they were supposed to be fighting each other as they were the only two teams initially transported to The Playoff Planet. It was extremely confusing because every member of both teams were all put in randomly at least six feet away from each other in order to follow the draconian rules put in place by Governor Morris of the Playoff Planet (see past matches for reference to Governor Morris and his past ideological struggles). It took the two teams three weeks to find each other and realize that they were all on the same side before it was announced that there would be another three weeks of social distancing, it wasn't until that point that some of the truly woke members of the now combined team realized that they should perhaps question said authority. This also gave them time to set up shop in the appropriate areas, but also gave way to the question of where their opponents actually are. Ranx: The Sentient City sat stalwart outside the Playoff Planet while the rest of the squad(s) got in position and awaited his orders.

Another three weeks passed when all of the sudden the event that had been predicted finally began. Two enormous ships appeared instantly, seemingly from nowhere in such a manner that even Ranx flinched. The two Guild Ships had folded space from a far away destination revealing the great alliance of The Gentle Striders of First Rohan. Their entire two squads had plenty of room in the two enormous shuttles controlled by Holtzman Foldspace Engines and the inhabitants of the two ships had plenty of time to formulate their plan. The prescient visions of the Guild Navigators inside their spice tanks aboard the Guild Ships had made it very clear where the Dino-Mite Assassins were hiding; so they knew exactly where to strike. First out of the enormous port of the Guild Ships came Admiral William Kelley leading an elite force of pilots. Eight Jedi including General Plo Koon, Poe in a Stealth X-Wing was flanked by another X-Wing and a couple Y-Wings, and Kylo in his TIE Silencer broke off on his own. The Dino-Mite Assassins rallied their air forces, but did not have the continuity of attack that the Gentle Striders possessed. The Batmobile and a broken down, but experienced Transformer named Mazdabot led a quintet of AT-ST into the city to overrun the Playoff Planet Capitol.

The fight is about to begin when (coff, (even drier) coff). Okay fine, I can't do this. Go ahead Pogo....

Alright dorks, it's YOUR BOY: Pogo: Now that Joshatu bored you with the details: let's really watch this turd. I missed the first part of the match because I was busy staying safe to save lives. I was putting my mask and gloves on whilst taking a bath in hand sanitizer and washing my hands fOr aT lEaSt 2o sEcOnDs. In this time a bunch of people died right off rip. I can only assume it is because as the battle began everyone stopped social distancing so they must have all got the Rona. AT least that is what the hospitals reported their deaths as (who knows how it actually happened). Alls I know is that once I figured out how to get the mask off my eyes I realized that: BD-1, Greeze, Johnny Quick, Nadar Vebb, some Sand Troopers, some Dewbacks, a Giant Hammer Bros., a couple Boomerang Bros, Green Goblin, Mysterio, Dr. Fate, Gohan, Alex Vento, Catwoman, Ghost Rider, Elasti-Girl, Jack-Jack, Baron Mordo, Gondor Soldier #2, C-3P0, Vampire Captain Marvel, & Vampire Superman (that last one might have died because he gets his power from the sun and the sun is what kills him (Not really sure, cuz I'm keepin it real).

Granny Goodness and The Female Furies tried to mess with Big Barda who was all like: YO WHASSUP I'M A SUPER STRONG CHICK AND I TRAINED Y'ALL SO I KNOW DA TRICKS. She whooped up on the female furies and got em dead quick and just watched Granny Goodness die of old age. Then Barda went back to earth so she could retire but she watched CNN and saw a video of Joe Biden sniffing people, got triggered, and had a brain aneurysm and died.

White Lantern Hal Jordan and White Lantern Odin enslave and steal the power of their earth 3 enemy and combine with Power Ring to form one of the most powerful characters in FFL History named White Power Ring. White Power Ring easily subdues the combined forces of The Black Racer, Black Goku, Black Lantern Superboy, Black Flash, Black Atom, Black Lantern Omega Supreme, & Black Lantern Neo. They begin to enslave them to steal their....... Wait a second... Is this all of the sudden starting to sound really racist to you guys too?? Alright, I'll tell you what, I don't need no internet shadow ban here; so let's just cut it all out now, issue a blanket apology and say that every character I just mentioned is dead before this gets any worse. Oh, and Brother Blood, Electro, and Fro-Zone died somehow too.

Doomsday leaps down out of the Guild Ship into a sunny beach area of the Playoff Planet and starts to go all four death, cray-cray in The Bay. He starts punching Boomerang Bros, SandTrooper and Dewback heads off, and mows through the Injustice League even easier than he went through the real Justice League in his first appearance. Ultraman, Superwoman, Owlman, Talon, and their cool vintage Mustang got straight up wrecked (you already know Alex). Blue Lantern Silver Age Flash and Green Lantern Golden Age Flash are a wicked combination but despite having 200% power, Doomsday lights up both the speedsters with a Buffalo-sized diarrhea dump in their ears. He then takes full advantage of the toilet paper shortage and uses Star Sapphire Wonder Woman to wipe; which leaves him smelling amazon-fresh. Poseidon, Kit Fisto, and Aquaman come rushing onto the beach to take out Doomsday; but the after shocks are felt from his diarrhea explosion as he blasts out all of the plastic straws, forks, and spoons that he ate along with his enormous carryout meal, killing not only them but the whole ocean, straight-up China and India style. Doomsday is still hungry for more destruction as Axe Cop comes flying in on top of his dinosaur steed Wexler. Doomsday kicks the T-Rex in the stomach and then punches his head clean off which sends Axe Cop into a rage that even the 4 death Superman killah can't handle. Axe Cop grabs a hold of his perfect axe and cuts the head off of the baddest bad guy around sending ol' Doomsday to the graveyard.

Grand Master Luke teams up with Martian Manhunter, Miss Martian, and Franklin Richards and they just stand in a circle meditating while big stuff around them starts flying around and they just start killin folk with their minds. They manage to lift up the 5 AT-STs and just drop them in the plastic polluted ocean. Supreme Leader Snoke tries to get wily and use his force powers; but the foursome just look at him like “Nah gay”. He dies in a Force Whirlwind that sucks up Violet as well before they direct it towards Ragnarok who is finally able to dispel the telekinetic connection, even though he dies in the process. Batman (DG) & Robin (DW) show up and lucky for them know all of the tricks of killing Martians from their days with Batman. Dick Grayson holds a lighter up to the butt of Batman's son whilst Damien lets out a hellacious butt-smacker. It sprays toxic fire onto Martian Manhunter and his sidekick causing them to die of scurred-disease. And then Luke Skywalker kills the sort of dynamic duo with his laser sword.

Up in space, The Gentle Striders have diverted all of their attention to the Sentient City known as Ranx. All of their space-worthy vehicles are upon the small yellow lantern planet, which has brought all of the space vehicles of The Dino-Mite Assassins there as well to defend him. The Dino-Mite Assassins cannot quite figure out why they want the fight to take place so close to their massive planet-city friend; but it eventually becomes apparent that they have a plan. Wedge has single-handedly taken out 3 B-Wings, an X-Wing, and 2 A-Wings when he notices Yondu and Kraglin strafe in to the center of Ranx and drop off both Magneto and Circuit Breaker. The two masters of magnetism form a bond that begins sucking all ships and debris into the center of Ranx. Circuit Breaker sucks herself deep into the the core of the yellow city, while The captains of the Gentle Striders Guild Ships trigger the secret atomic weapons of the Royal Families that they hide aboard their ships. This sacrifice play kills many of their own fighters; but also destroys the most powerful character in the battle: Ranx. Even the brilliant Brainiac is caught off guard by this master plan. He knows that he cannot escape, even in his Skull Ship; but he activates counter-measures that make sure no member of the Gentle Striders can escape their own plan either.

Okay. As I watch Chuck Norris break out of his Penguin Suit and destroy it for good (no Conner, you don't get it back); I realize that we need to have a serious conversation about Conner, Kyle, and Zack's ability to assign weapons and items to their own characters. Chuck Norris is a man who deserves respect. Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrised, when Superman goes to bed he wears Chuck Norris pajamas, Bush and Cheney couldn't find weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq because Chuck Norris had just left, Chuck Norris counted to infinity for God's sake: TWICE. He doesn't need a G-D PENGUIN SUIT. When you wreck Chuck Norris, you wreck yourself. And quit laughing Kyle. The man who put Hancock in a Frog Suit may not laugh at anyone's item assignments. EVER. Oh, wait. I'm sorry Zack, did you think you were getting off the hook here?? Let's scroll back up to the top of the screen and take a look at the most powerful known Light Side Force User in Original Star Wars Canon..... Yeah. That's right. This kid put the Daughter of Mortis in an Effin Penguin Suit. From this point forward the three of you are on Double-Secret-Assignment-Probation. It's for your own good. With that being said: Chuck Norris broke free of his Penguin Suit and Roundhouse Kicked the Penguin Head and the regular head off of the Daughter of Mortis. He then slurped up the leftover water from the destroyed penguin suits and took an acid wiz on the Father and Son of Mortis, killing them as well.

Speaking of bad general managing: Kyle's wicked assignment of Samwise getting the Blue Lantern Ring is deserving of some serious props; but unfortunately a blue lantern ring is about as useless as a dead dog without a green lantern ring present to charge up; so Sauron just clobbers the Hell out of Sam with his massive mace thingie right after he takes out King Kong with it Harambe style. Lucky for the Hobbit Ring Bearer, the over abundance of Hope that was released with the destruction of the blue lantern ring is enough to dissipate the existence of Sauron the Deceiver from this plain of existence.

Rebel Soldier #6 in a daring but suicidal move drives through the core of Mazdabot with his 4-Wheeler.

Superboy, Zombie Superboy, and Zombie Superman start heat visioning, ice breathing, and brain-eating the crap out of Kid Flash, Mas, Menos, Giant Hammer Bros. #1, Zombie #12, Reverse Flash, Zombie #12, and even Franklin Richards, before Voldemort combines his Yellow lantern power with that of his own intense wizardry on the magic-sensitive Kryptonians destroying all three of them with a single death spell.

Nightwing and Jason Bourne team up and use some serious fighting moves to take out Darth Malak, while Luke and Leia combine to take out E2 Batman's cool looking old fashioned car and then finish him off as well. They do the same to Dash, but their angered father kicks GM Luke in the groin and then breaks his neck. Leia then finishes off Mr. Incredible with a swift lightsaber thrust to the chest.

Doriath, the prized son of Gondor and hero who killed Thanos himself stands against Jason Bourne. Doriath evades a punch from Bourne and then stands tall through two more received. Doriath manages to run Jason through with his sword; but Bourne gets his gun off as well and they join each other in death.

Voldemort may have very high hopes in his ability to kill the chosen one Harry Potter, but he is just happy to join Chuck Norris in death as they touch each other and ignite the power of a nuclear bomb.

I still “forgot” to look up what Goku could do; so I'll just say he died of a broken heart after Nightwing stole his girlfriend after talking to her for 90 seconds; but no worries because Nightwing then got aids from her and died.

The Gentle Striders form up as only Doc Ock, Vulture, Sandman, Scorpion, and their leader Vampire Neo stand against the last two surviving members of The Dino-Mite Assassins: Leia Organa-Solo & Axe Cop. Vampire Neo and his crew begin to move towards the duo; but Leia simply looks to her partner and says: “Now it's time to make our master plan from the quarantine work”....

Leia throws Axe Cop the piece of broccoli that they had been saving, that he eats in one quick swallow (no chewing). He then turns his body around and throws down a pungent-Covid-19-butt-blaster and farts his team to victory to end this match on exactly what it was always intended to be. The. Worst. Fart. Ever.

Demise of the FFL

The playoff planet is quiet, seemingly lifeless. On what is normally a big week for the planet, it finds itself in a peculiar place. There is no fighting.

How did it get to this point? Well, some say it started in the pre-season. Superman got the flu, which started freaking some people out. The Commish tried to ban travel from Krypton and also for any Kryptonians to fight in matches. He eventually allowed it to happen after he was called a racist. As the season went on, a few people who had been near Superman in his matches died. Those people who had died went on to fight in matches on their next lives, and some people who were near those people died as well. This prompted a laser like focus on the deaths of fantasy matches.

Each week, the numbers came in: more deaths. The numbers only went up. Combatants became uneasy. Will this be the week I die, many of them pondered. At first, they continued to fight. Many began examining the Commish and his ability to stop the spread, openly questioning if he had done enough to stop or slow the spread.

Pressure mounted for hazard pay, as doing so would be considered unethical. The Commish reluctantly gave raises across the league. In order to account for this, he out of necessity had to make some cuts. As toilet paper had become more difficult to come by and more expensive, he decided to limit the amount shipped to each locker room. This resulted in many less than pleasant smelling combatants on the battlefield. Many combatants, all of whom chose to remain anonymous, were asked why they don’t just use a bidet instead, since water is basically free and it would greatly increase hygiene in a time when everyone is paranoid about it. The common response was “Because we aren’t fags.”

The weeks went on and the death tolls increased. The media display a staggering statistic. Nearly 100% of combatants of losing teams had died. Additionally, it was far more likely that lower point combatants would meet their demise. This highlighted the rampant inequality of the FFL. Calls were made for drastic changes.

The Commish tried to cite data that showed year over year deaths for the FFL were actually down, but that didn’t matter. There was now a massive push to stop this insane death machine. After all, there are a few boomers in the FFL who are afraid of collecting that 5^th death and would do anything to avoid it, including sinking the entire league.

After much pressure the Commish decided that the season needed to be put on hold until we could get this situation cleared up. He didn’t anticipate that this would take long before it was over. He deemed that week 5 would be given an extra week before the fighting would resume, that way people could heal up and then the league could resume with its biggest non-playoff matches of the year to really get things going again.

The week off was a very long week for FFL combatants. As they were restricted to the locker room, many grew bored. Some began fighting with each other out of boredom and itching to fight. Domestic locker room violence increased drastically as a result. Tensions grew among teammates. Some would sneak out to get some fresh air or go to the park, while others would report their teammates to the office of the commissioner for their violations. The league began to lose its stability.

Internally league officials fought over how to handle this crisis. Some wanted to halt everything until things were absolutely clear. Others wanted to continue on as if nothing were happening, thinking that it would resolve itself eventually.

As the hysteria reach new heights the decision was made to indefinitely delay the season. Too many lives were at stake, lives that could be lost if fighting were to continue. After all, the FFL wants everyone in the league to live. The news hit the combatants harder than any punch they had ever taken. This was their livelihood, what would they do without it?

There were some who did not believe the hype surrounding the krypterion flu.  The claimed that superman never in fact had the flu but had just been using his cold breath, which was mistaken for a sneeze. Others thought that it may have been a bioweapon created by a rival league, in the hopes of overcoming the FFL in ratings. These people are publicly scorned for their dangerous ideas.

The Commissioner and Vice-Commissioner were on opposite sides when it came to league actions. Eventually they came to the agreement that future actions could only be decided in one way: Through a match.

The Commish thought this would be the best optics for the relaunching of the league. Superman is symbolic of the epidemic. If he could be taken down in a match people could realize that it is ok to fight again.

The Midgets await the House Elves on the playoff planet. The atmosphere is tense, much more so than a regular match with what is on the line.

Superman, Prince Andrew, and the Paw Patrol show up before the midgets. The midgets waste no time engaging them. Battlecat quickly devours the Paw Patrol, while Link bravely lunges toward superman. Not knowing if he can even damage superman, he swings his master sword, connecting and decapitating him. The Midgets then turn towards Prince Andrew until Yoda tells them to stop. “Attack do not, a trap I sense.”

Prince Andrew begins clapping as he walks towards the Midgets. “The Vice-Commissioner would like to thank you.”

Yoda responds “Dead superman is. Stop this flu nonsense will.”

Despite being surrounded by an army that could obliterate him, Prince Andrew didn’t perspire one drop of sweat. Instead he simply walked up to superman’s head and Scooby doo style pulled off his mask to reveal Jeffrey Epstein.

“What do you think the rest of the league will think when, during the lockdown, the Commissioner sends over his best men to kill a known pedophile and all of his pets? What kind of secrets is the Commissioner hiding?” he continued “When this is gets out the Commish is done for. The league will crash and we will implement a new league and a new commissioner.”

“Fine the league will be. This back with you take.” Say Yoda, as he orders Zombie Green Lantern to bite Price Andrew. “Krypterion flu you now have.”

With that the Midgets return to their locker room. The Commish immediately puts out an announcement that all league activity is to continue as soon as possible. Matches coming soon.