Season 5, Playoffs Week 1: Logical Genocide vs. H.M. & B.O. Fighting Commandos

“I smell pussy. . . and not the kind I like to eat!!!”

 -Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Playoffs Week 1 Match located at the Playoff Planet.  They are as follows:

Logical Genocide: Ion, The Spectre, Nekron, The Champion of the Universe, Han Solo: Rogue Jedi in an A-Wing, Cosmic Spider-Man, Barry Allen with blue lantern ring, Az-Rel and Nadira, Titan Maximum, Siren with trident and Xebel Soldiers #1-4, Sandworm #11, Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman with flesh rotting disease gun, Red Lantern #2, Yellow and Orange Lantern Hal Jordan, Goro with yellow lantern ring, Centerion #1 Harold "Hot Fudge Harry" McTwivent, Chris Seeney with golem creating gun, green lightsaber, magno-kryptonite and a life model decoy #1 in Superman's truck.

H.M. & B.O. Commandos: Kingdom Come Superman, Earth 2 Superman, Black Lantern Set, Zombie Polaris, Leon with Despotellis' yellow lantern ring, Katniss Everdeen with green lantern ring, Luminara Unduli with blue lantern ring, Barriss Offee, Madame Blanc with yellow lantern ring, Miss Tanner with red lantern ring, Helena Markos with red lantern ring, Suspiria Witch Coven #1 with indigo lantern ring, Suspiria Witch Coven #2, Suspiria Witch Coven #3, Suspiria Witch Coven #4, Suspiria Witch Coven #5, Norma Cenva with green lantern ring, Maestro, Heimdall, White Lantern Deadman, Buffy Summers with blue lightsaber, Willow Rosenberg with Dumbledore's wand, Angel, Xander, Rupert Giles, Surtur, Zombie Wonder Girl, The Atom, Venus and Serena Williams, Taylor Swift with Sith lanvarok, Jen Lindley with jetpack and green lightsaber, Worm Becks and Doozer #13.

Let the battle begin. . .

City Region. . .

The Nubian goddesses shuffle down the street and stop as they notice Worm Becks (hereinafter “WB”) in the middle of the street.  Venus and Serena Williams laugh to themselves as WB’s body violently gyrates across the pavement.  Their smiles fade when  Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman (hereinafter “BLB2”) flies to the scene.

BLB2: Only one Beckerman can survive this match you putrid piece of sh#t!!!

BLB2 squeezes the trigger of his flesh rotting disease gun.  WB writhes in agony as the flesh begins to fall off his body.  WB is heard singing to the Williams’ sisters as his figure melts away.

WB:      I wanna f@ck you like an animal,

             I wanna feel you from the inside;

 I wanna f@ck you like an animal,

My whole existence is flawed.

The Williams sisters rush away, having just seen their orgasmic lover disintegrate into dust.  BLB2 uses his ring to project black lances at the tennis pros.  The sisters miraculously deflect a majority of the objects with their rackets.  BLB2 draws his weapon again and is about to fire when Serena, with a well-timed throw, accurately displaces BLB2 of his flesh rotting disease gun.  BLB2 screams in anger and races at the twins.  He tackles them both at the same time and the three fall to the ground. 

BLB2:  Not the oreo cookie I had in mind ladies!!!

The female athletes repeatedly pound BLB2.  Nonetheless, the lantern manages to shred the clothes of his enemy.  BLB2 focuses on the ample bosoms of the Williams and sisters and cackles.  In an instant (and after a slight feel of boob), he rips out the hearts of both women.  

BLB2:  Now that is what I call a Grand Slam!!!

Plains Region. . .

Jen Lindley floats across the sky with her jetpack.  She senses the enemy and ignites her green lightsaber.  She avoids the fiery rage-vomit spewed by Red Lantern #2 (hereinafter “RL2”). 

Lindley:  For Dawson and Pacey. . . whom I have had sweet relations with!!!

Lindley lashes out with her lightsaber and manages to strike RL2.  Embarrassed at being bested by a measly girl, RL2 flies at the teenager and tears her jetpack off.  Lindley crashes to the ground, but a well-placed barrel roll saves her life.  Katniss Everdeen comes to Lindley’s aid and fires a green lantern arrow through the eye of RL2, killing the combatant.  The two women fly off together with the assistance of Everdeen’s green lantern ring.   As the women soar through the sky, they are struck by a cosmic blast.  The two women fall to the ground and are met by Cosmic Spiderman.  The two women ready themselves with defensive stances, ring and lightsaber ready.

Cosmic Spiderman:  Please.

Cosmic Spiderman unleashes his Captain Universe enhanced abilities upon the young starlets.  It is only a matter of seconds before both Lindley and Everdeen are decimated.  Leon flies down to Cosmic Spiderman, seeing his comrades’ cinders piled on the plains below.

Leon:  Despotellis says a big f@ck you!

Leon utilizes his ring as a weapon and fires upon Cosmic Spiderman.  CS easily dodges out of the weapon’s way.

Cosmic Spiderman:  Sorry bunky, time to die.

Cosmic Spiderman kills Leon as easily as he did both Lindley and Everdeen.

Desert Region. . .

Norma Cenva stands with Helena Markos, Madame Blanc and Miss Tanner in a mirage created by the Suspira Witch Coven (hereinafter “SW”).  In the center of the oasis lies a pitch black cauldron.

Markos:  Begin my fellow witches!

SW1: Worm Becks’ jizz with the Slayer’s hair,

SW2: Maestro’s spit and Unduli’s remnant Nair;

SW3: The skin of Angel with pieces of Lindley’s flab,

SW4: The focus on Set to become even more fab!

SW5: Grow!!!

SW3 and SW5:  Grow!!!

SW1, SW2, SW3, SW4, SW5: Grow!!!

Markos, Blanc and Tanner:  Grow.

Set slithers into the area and an explosion occurs as the spell takes shape.  The serpent, which is of immense size already, becomes a true behemoth.   One of the monster’s seven heads looks down into the sand and rips Sandworm #11 from the tan powder.  The battle between the gigantic creatures is vicious and the ferocity of the duo causes the ripping and shredding sounds for all those in the oasis to hear.  In the end, although Set loses two of its heads, the five remaining ones are more than a match for Sandworm #11. 

Barry Allen races through the sands and uses the speed force’s powers to cause a cyclone that sucks the oasis’ inhabitants into the funnel.  The tornado spins the women around and they are unable to free themselves from the torrential winds.  Each time one attempts to escape, Allen uses his lantern ring to push them back.  Severely exhausted and discombobulated, Allen forces the funnel upward and the witches burst forth from the top.  Han Solo-Rogue Jedi in his A-Wing flies to the scene, and one by one, picks the witches off like fish in a barrel. SWs 2 through 5 are blasted into pieces.  Before Solo can kill the remaining witches, SW1, Markos, Blanc, Tanner and Cenva utilize their combined lantern rings to rip apart the A-Wing.  Before its destruction, Solo manages to jettison from the craft.  Unfortunately, he escapes into the hands of the women ring wielders.

Cenva:  You may be good looking,

Markos:  And a Rouge Jedi too;

Tanner: But to us women,

Blanc: You are but a large piece of poo!

The four, including SW1 now, use their rings to shred Solo apart.  Yellow and Orange Lantern Hal Jordan (hereinafter “YOLHJ”) flies to the scene.  Although the witches combine their ring powers and sorcery together, they are still no match for the superior duo-lantern.  YOLHJ kills SW1, Markos, Blanc, Tanner and Cenva. 

Meanwhile on the ground, a plume of sand explodes next to the Flash as Maestro lands on the sands nearby.  Atom hitched a ride on the hulk-like beast’s shoulder and thus, also arrives at the skirmish.  Before the Flash realizes that he needs to race away, Maestro strikes him with a devastating blow.  The blue lantern attempts to rise as Atom shrinks down to a sub-molecular level and enters into the Flash’s nervous system.  Maestro takes advantage of Flash’s disorientation due to Atom and crushes Barry Allen’s skull.  Unfortunately, Atom was in Flash’s skull at the time and the decimation of Allen’s brain matter causes Atom to be jarred also; killing him instantly.  Maestro becomes enraged at the knowledge of killing his own teammate.

Arctic Region. . .

Centerion #1-Hot Fudge Harry McTwivent (hereinafter “HFHM”) scopes out Doozer #13, who is floating on a piece of ice.  Centerion leaps over flotillas until he reaches Doozer #13.  In a matter of seconds, HFHM kills Doozer #13.  Heimdall is a witness to his “special friend” being killed.  The Asgardian rushes over to HFHM and uses his enchanted uru to slice Centerion #1 in half. 

Forest Region-West. . .

Goro uses his ring to soar to the top of the trees where Barriss Offee and Luminara Unduli are waiting for the Mortal Kombatant.  The Marialan Jedi Knights manage to deflect a majority of the bolts sent by Goro.  Eventually though, Goro manages to kill Offee, but is, in turn, killed by Unduli, whose Senior Jedi General skills are superior to the brute fighter.

Mountain Region. . .

Champion of the Universe (hereinafter “COU”) spots Zombie Wonder Girl on a mountainous range.  Being a well recognized chauvinist is readily apparent upon his first words uttered.

COU:  The only place you should be, alive or undead that is, is either sucking or riding my immense c@ck!

Zombie Wonder Girl, although dead, is still disgusted by his demeanor and punches him.  COU shrugs off the blow.

COU:  You are but a puny dead girl!  Wonder this you little crapling!!!

COU reaches Zombie Wonder Girl and manages to pin her arms behind her body.  He torks the shoulders and rips her arms off.  Wonder Girl does not feel the pain and attempts to convert COU with a bite to the neck.  She fails in her attempt and COU pops her head off. 

COU:  Your head was but a pimple on my a$$.

COU turns around and begins to walk down the mountain’s path when he is struck by the Kryptonian duo of Kingdom Come Superman and Earth 2 Superman.  COU is crushed into the stone next to him.  As COU falls to the ground, he is repeatedly pummeled by the Commando pair.  COU dies.    

At the foot of the mountain stands a fully realized Titan Maximum.  The compiled robot waits for the Superman duo to reach it.  As Titan Maximum readies itself to do battle, it feels its pieces being ripped apart.  Titan Maximum looks down and sees Zombie Polaris utilizing all of her powers to destroy the robotic entity.  As Titan Maximum is about to be destroyed by Polaris, it is simultaneously struck by the Superman duo.  The combination of Zombie Polaris’ powers with the strength and power of E2S and KCS is too much and Titan Maximum is destroyed.  At the same time, the strain of the powers necessary to cause any means of destruction upon Titan Maximum weakens Polaris to where she is unable to avoid the shrapnel which rips her head from her body.    

Forest Region-East. . .

The Kryptonian Bonnie and Clyde see Surtur, who wields Twilight.  The psychokinetic Nadira attempts to use her powers against Surtur without avail.  The demonic combatant shrugs off Nadira’s Kryptonian power and uses the Sword of Doom to slice Nadira in half.  Az Rel, enraged at the loss of his ally, uses his pyrokinetic abilities against the fire demon.  The Phantom Zone inhabitant fails to wound Surtur.  Surtur shrugs off his foe and, once again, uses his sword to slice Az Rel in half.  The Kryptonians would have been a match for many, but on this day, unfortunately for the Squad, not against Surtur.

Aquatic Region. . . 

Buffy, Angel, Giles, Willow and Xander run down the beach in Baywatch slow motion when Siren and her Xebel Soldiers burst from the waters.  Willow immediately uses Dumbledore’s wand and the witch disintegrates Xebel Soldier #1.  Xander is surrounded by Xebel Soldiers #2 and 4 and eventually killed.  In response, Buffy spins around and strikes Xebel Soldier #4 down with her lightsaber.  The ferocity of Angel comes to fruition as he rips into Xebel Soldier #2 and kills him.  Xebel Soldier #3 focuses on Rupert Giles. The Watcher is no match for the superior combatant and XS3 manages to grab onto Giles’ leg.  The aquatic fighter drags Giles in the water; Giles is eventually drowned.  XS3 swims to the water’s surface and joins Siren.  The pair faces Buffy, Angel and Willow.  Willow immediately strikes down XS3.  Siren responds and uses her trident to pierce Angel’s chest.  The trident’s head is close to reaching Angel’s heart.  The vampire looks at Buffy, knowing he has only seconds left to live. 

Buffy (tears streaming down her face):  I love you!

Angel:  I know.       

In a quick movement, Angel thrusts the tip of one of the trident’s heads into his heart, but not before ripping Siren’s throat out with his fangs.  Siren dies at Angel’s sacrifice, whose ashes become one with the sand below.  Buffy and Willow, dismayed at the casualties suffered, walk on the beach, hand in hand- no slow motion necessary at this touching scene which stands on its own.

City Region. . .

Chris Seeney squeals the tires of Superman’s truck as he cuts the corners of the streets.  He looks for his prey without initial success.  He turns to Life Model Decoy #1 (hereinafter “LMD1”), who looks strikingly similar to Ryan Reynolds in Green Lantern garb (“Double R”).  A bromance/man-crush has blossomed between the two.

Seeney:  We need to get this party started!

LMD1: Agreed Mr. Seeney.  Show me who’s daddy!

Seeney slows down the vehicle to a stop.  He jumps out, his golem creating gun and lightsaber armed in both hands.

Seeney:  What do you see?  Double R?  Double R!

Seeney hears a gurgling as LMD1 appears to be foaming at the mouth.  Seeney jumps around the vehicle and notices Taylor Swift armed with a Sith lanvarok.  The lanvarok’s weaponry pierced LMD1’s gullet and LMD1 dies.  Seeney instantly reacts and leaps over the hood of the vehicle in the best possible Dukes of Hazard-TJ Hooker combo acrobatic roll.  He slices the lanvarok out of Swift’s hands and follows up with cutting her legs off.  Swift screams and attempts to crawl away. 

Seeney:  This is “Our Song” now b@Tch!!!

Seeney smiles as he uses his golem gun to create the beast.  The golem shambles over to the cute singer and sits on Swift’s head, crushing her skull.  The golem then follows its master down the street.    

Final Battle. . . City. . .

I transport all remaining combatants to the scene.

Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman spots Buffy and Willow Rosenberg.

BLB2:  I smell Kosher!  Sniff!  I smell traife!

BLB2 looks at Buffy, who ignites her lightsaber in response to his misogynistic comments.  BLB2 fires his ring at the female duo.  Buffy manages to deflect the objects and Willow uses Dumbledore’s wand to send them back at the lantern.  With a well placed spin of her wand, the projectile shot by BLB2 is his own undoing as his ring is ripped off his finger.

BLB2:  Aw f@. . .

BLB2 disintegrates and his gun falls to the ground. YOLHJ, a singular force to be reckoned with in this match, rushes at the Slayer and her compatriot.  YOLHJ rips Buffy apart, but Willow is able to keep the ring bearer at bay with a series of spells cast from Dumbledore’s wand.  While Willow focuses on defending herself against YOLHJ, Ion flies into the fray and joins his brother-in-arms.  The two decimate the young witch, even with the wand. KCS and E2S enter into battle and pummel both Ion and YOLHJ.  Ion gains the upper hand against E2S and batters him around as E2S did to him before.  Ion sends a crushing force that breaks the Kryptonian.  In a last ditch effort, E2S meets Ion in the air and with the assistance of KCS, who also has his hands full with YOLHJ, kills Ion.  E2S succumbs to his fate, being mortally wounded by Ion, but not before helping KCS destroy YOLHJ.  Chris Seeney rushes to the scene in his vehicle and holds his mango-kryptonite to the sky.  The kryptonite sucks KCS out of the sky.  At a loss of his powers, the Spectre and Cosmic Spiderman come to the scene and kill the Kryptonian, with the assistance of Seeney’s golem.   The Spectre and Cosmic Spiderman then focus on the five-headed BL Set and Maestro.  Ultimately, Cosmic Spiderman is killed in the melee, but miraculously so too are BL Set and Maestro.  The former Alice’s Wonder Team mates: the Spectre and Surtur battle.  In the end, the two behemoths take each other out; both perish.

Chris Seeney tweaks his golem gun and evolutionizes the clay monsters. The lone, remaining Commando ring bearer, Unduli, is unable to defeat the monsters, which resemble a tougher, Jewish Golden Army.  The Golem Army kills Luminara Unduli.  Heimdall stands before Seeney, who attempts to strike the Asgardian warrior with his green lightsaber.  Heimdall easily dodges the blow and skewers Seeney.

Seeney:  At least I got my licks in.

Seeney dies at Heimdall’s feet.  Being that Nekron can even kill the Guardians, he tempts fate by rushing at Heimdall.  Heimdall falls to Nekron’s touch.

Final Battle. . . Really. . .

A silence reigns over the two remaining combatants.  Nekron is the first to speak.

Nekron:  In blackest night. . .

Nekron utilizes his powers to bring back the dead.  The bodies of Ion, The Spectre, Cosmic Spiderman, Az-Rel, Nadira, Black Lantern Bryan Beckerman, Hal Jordan and Chris Seeney, become reanimated.

White Lantern Deadman:  In brightest day. . .

White Lantern Deadman uses his powers.  Kingdom Come Superman, Earth 2 Superman, Set (no longer in Black Lantern form due to being revived by a white lantern), Maestro, Polaris (no longer in Zombie form), Heimdall, Surtur and Worm Becks are now alive.

White Lantern Deadman and Nekron are weakened due to the strain necessary to revive their teammates.  In a final requiem, the two race toward one another.  The polarized opposites manage to kill one another, having served their ultimate purposes in the match already.

Immediately BLB2 attempts to kill his WB nemesis. This time though, Worm Becks dances out of the way of BLB2’s black projectiles.  Before BLB2 can corner Worm Becks, he is swallowed whole by Set.  Set belches out BLB2’s ring and Seeney immediately has an idea.  The Spectre foretells what his teammate wishes and strikes Seeney down.  The Spectre then places BLB2’s ring on Seeney.

Seeney:  YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I’m back b@Tches!!!

Seeney finishes the job BLB2 set out to accomplish and destroys Worm Becks.  As Seeney rises higher in the air, his ring begins to slide from his finger as Polaris strains to use her magnetism powers to dislodge the object from Seeney’s digit.  The ring, miraculously, begins to slide off.

Seeney:  Oh come on!!!!

The ring is ripped from Seeney’s finger and Seeney disintegrates. 

The Kryptonians face one another as the Phantom Zone gangsters battle E2S and KCS.  Although the battle lasts longer than expected, the Isle of Bokos pair is no match for their superior combatants.  The Supermen manage to kill both Az-Rel and Nadira. 

Ion faces Maestro.  The futuristic Hulk manages to shake off most of the blows, but ultimately loses the battle when Cosmic Spiderman joins the fray.  The combined powers of Ion and Cosmic Spiderman are too much for Maestro and he is killed.

Hal Jordan joins Ion and the two utilize their rings to create a multitude of spectrum enhanced weaponry.  Polaris attempts to rip the rings from the fingers of the ring bearers as she was just able to do previously.  Unfortunately for her, the seasoned veterans are more than a match for her tactics and Polaris is killed. 

The remaining powerhouses battle.  The Spectre uses his Ring of Life to enhance his powers to godlike levels.  This comes in handy as he battles Heimdall.  Although the Asgardian manages to wound the Spectre, ultimately Heimdall is defeated.  Surtur and Set enter this fray and rip the Spectre apart.  Cosmic Spiderman challenges the Supermen.  The Marvel guardian manages to rip apart Earth 2 Superman, but meets his fate at the hands of Kingdom Come Superman.  Ion and Hal Jordan combine their forces and although ultimately killed in battle, manage to miraculously take with them Set and Surtur.  KC Superman stares at the carnage of the battlefield and smiles.  The “traded” Kryptonian is now entering the next round of the FFL Playoffs.

Consolation 2012 Round 1 - TEAM vs. The Transfoamers

TEAM is: Sgt Mike Shinsky, Wonder Boy, Cock Sneak Goombas #1-6

The Transfoamers are: Buzz Cut, Daria, Stewart, The Burger King, The Wonderpets (Linny, Tuck, Ming Ming, and Ollie) and Hammer Bro #18

TEAM arrives to McDonalds and enters the enclosed playplace to find the Transfoamers are ready and waiting. 

“The ballpit is much smaller than I remember,” says Shinsky to Wonder Boy who is looking strategically up at the structure surrounding the ball pit with all of its tubes, slides and cargo nets.  “You remember the plan?” he continues.

The tiny caveman nods and takes off up one of the slides and disappears into the maze of kid puke and poop filled tunnels above.  Buzz Cut, Daria and Stewart all raise from their pre fight meal and stare at the Iraq war veteran.  The match has seemingly begun.  As Shinsky leads his army of CS Goombas into the ball pit, he notices 4 small animals in the corner are digging in the trash can.  Around the back side of the structure, The Burger King is silently sitting at one of the small tables savoring every bite of his double cheeseburger.

Now in the ball pit, Shinsky and Buzz Cut are doing the typical ‘I am a bigger military bad ass than you’ stare down to each other as the CS Goombas disappear under the surface.

Buzz Cut:  “What are you staring at, maggot?”

Mike Shinsky: “hmmph… Nothing.”

BC: “Is that funny you sissy?  I am going to kick your ass the Marine way!”

Buzz Cut is getting red in the face.

BC: “I’ll even give you the first shot.  KICK ME IN THE JIMMY!”

Without hesitation all 6 Goombas jump up and strike the three former Beavis and Butthead co-stars.  Stewart collapses in pain and crushes CS Goomba #3 as he falls to his knees.  Goomba # 2 then jumps and breaks his nose with a mighty punch causing Stewart to scream as he vanishes into the balls.  Daria, with the advantage of having internal reproductive organs, is seemingly unfazed by the blows and manages to crush Goomba #5 and kick Goomba #6 outside the pit.  Goomba #6 scurries off around the back side of the play structure only to be stomped on by The Burger King who seems annoyed that he had to be taken away from his warm apple pie for a couple of seconds.  He wipes the Goomba juice off his boot with one hand as he continues to jam fries through the hole in his mask. 

Back in the pit, Daria begins to wade through the balls to find and free Stewart.  Buzz Cut who is red in the face, screams in ecstasy.

Buzz Cut:  “AAAAHHHH!  AGAIN!”

Once again he is struck in the nuts by two Goombas and Shinsky seizes his opportunity to get behind the deranged gym teacher and begins to choke him.  As they struggle, a flying plastic try comes swooping with the four Wonderpets on board.  The crafty animals have constructed a fly boat from a discarded cheeseburger wrapper, a straw and 4 cup lids.  They take aim to try and free Buzz Cut from the death grip of the Army brat but as they are about to strike, Goomba #4 jumps up and strikes the tray sending the small pets flying.  The Wonder pets are crushed in the melee and Daria tackles Goomba #4, who is now exposed, outside the pit and steps on his head.  Daria returns to the pit and finally discovers Stewart’s motionless body.  Since his nose was broken and he was screaming like a girl as he fell into the pit, a yellow ball was firmly lodged in his mouth when he landed creating an air tight seal suffocating him to death (and most likely exposing him to countless diseases).  Daria turns just in time to see her other teammate’s lifeless body being released by Shinsky.  Goombas #1 and 2 jump up to punch Daria again and she falls outside the pit as they give chase.  She runs around the side of the structure and is pleased to see Hammer Bro #18 firing shots at them and he strikes and kills Goomba #1.  Wonder Boy who snuck on top, charges at the back of the distracted Hammer bro and they both fall.  Hammer Bro #18’s neck is snapped as it clips the edge of a slide (like that dude hitting the propeller in Titanic) and his flailing body lands on CS Goomba #2 finishing him off as well.  Daria rushes over and grabs Wonder Boy by his tattered clothes and as she is about to do her best Daniel Sepulveda imitation with him, both she and Wonder Boy are shoved through the glass window, cutting them both beyond repair and they bleed out within seconds.

An exhausted Shinsky had finally recovered from his fight with Buzz Cut and killed who he thought was the final member of The Transfoamers.  However, it seems that in all the chaos, he never noticed The Burger King casually eating his meal far superior to one his restaurant could ever produce.  As Shinsky turned around to walk out victorious he jumps back when he is face to face with that CREEPY F*$@ING MASK!  Out of breath, Shinsky notices the light in the room start to fade and a warm sensation come over his chest.  He looks down to see the handle of a McFlurry spoon wedged between two of his ribs, directly into his heart.  Shinsky slides down the wall and falls to the ground.  He watches as his blood pours through the handle of the spoon and he slowly runs the stream of blood through his fingers until the room goes black.

Consolation 2012 Round 1- Better Than All of You vs Xavier's Annihilation Squad

Better Than All of You:

NS-5 #12 (9 deathes)
Diego (9 deathes)
Baby Jaguar (9 deathes)
Doozer #15

Xavier's Annihilation Squad:

B.L. Josh Houslander
Heather Doba
Robin-Jason Todd
Roger Rabbit
Jessica Rabbit


As the two teams eye each other other across the ballpit and prepare for the opening round of the conso-

"Dude. Kristua Hold up"

"What the hell? Is someone talking to me?"

"Yeah, bro. Right here. It's me. Josh."

"Uh. This is kinda odd, I don't think contestants are supposed to acknowledge or be aware of the Watchers"

"Dude. I'm a Watcher, too. Listen, this deathmatch in a ballpit? Great idea, but not really fair."

"How so?"

"Dude. Look at these line up. No one on Better is gonna kill me. No green energy."

"Yeah, but they've got three nine deathers. That could turn the tables."

"Yeah. No. Come on, bro. I know how this is gonna go. I'm gonna be the sole survivor. You really want to follow the epic death of Dora  last week by having to kill Diego in a consolation match? Plus NFG rolled out my wife. You really feel comfortable killing her? That's not what bros do."

"But Mike played her. You should take that up with him, I'm just doing my job."

"Just doing your job? That's a bitch excuse. Come on. Do me a solid. You're creative. Shake this up."

"Fine. How about this. I'll toss a special ball into the pit. First one to get it out of the pit wins, kinda like the ladder matches in last year's consolation round. That way no one has to die. Cool?"

"Cool. Thanks dude"

lation matches. Since this is now essentially a treasure hunt, the ballpit has gone from regular Kiddie Land size to the size of an Olympic pool and is about two feet deep.  Both teams watch as the prized draft ball is lowered into the ball pit. There's a sudden rumbling as the balls are mixed up. There's a blast of an air horn and  for the most part, both squads jump into the pit and begin frantically scrambling to find the prize. Only Xavier's member Heather Doba remains on the sidelines watching the match, for her own protection.

Jessica Rabbit grabs her husband Roger like a vacuum and uses him to suck up as many balls as they can, but have no luck. Diego has converted rescue pack into a shovel, but also is coming up short. Baby Jaguar never really learned his colors, so he's essentially useless for this task, but the NS-5 is quickly scanning all of the balls that Diego shovels for the elusive golden ball. Black Lantern Josh is doing a sort of doggy paddle in the massive ballpit. This is quite possibly the most hilarious thing I've ever seen. The roar of frantic ball searching is everywhere.

Suddenly, there's a tiny cry.

"I got it. I found it!!"

It's the Doozer. The NS-5 quickly finds it's teammate and lifts it. They rush towards the goal line.

Suddenly, the  NS-5 disappears. There's a brief commotion then a voice rings out

"Here, babe. CATCH!"

Black Lantern Josh pops up out of the pit and tosses the golden ball to Heather who catches the blood stained prize?  Hold it.

"What the hell? Josh! I thought we agreed there'd be no deaths! What the f**k was that??!!!"

"Bro, we said no one HAS  to die, not no one couldn't die. Whatever it takes."

"Dude, weak. That was a s**t way for the NS-5 to go out."

"Relax. I didn't kill him. He's still alive. I just crushed the Doozer.  The robot is still there for Joe to use."

"Whatever, man. I can't believe you'd do that."

"What do you expect? I'm a black lantern. I do assholey things. I'd say sorry, but I'm not. Now go on and make the announcement."

FFL "Spoiler Sport"- Week 9 Wrap Up

After a long, grueling season full of surprises. We welcome you to the final regular season episode of "Spoiler Sport" on ESPN eight-The Ocho! I'm Cotton McKnight. Let's get to the action!

It took eight weeks, but both the incredible winning streak of "Pop Superstar" Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos and the abysmal losing streak of the Tijuana Taco Benders have both come to a conclusion. 

In what has been described as an epic confrontation, which saw the ninth and final death of such FFL All-Stars as the Martian Manhunter, Shaak Ti, and last but not least Dora the Explorer, George Washington's Slaves proved once again to be the weakness to the Commandos. Only veteran Slaves Yoda walked away from this magnificent battle. The Commandos ended the season with an outstanding 8-1 record and will have the #1 play off seed in the George Lucas Conference. In an incredible coincidence the team that kicked off the Commandos incredible win streak, Logical Genocide, will be their opponents. Will we see a repeat of the beginning of the season? Or will LG avenge their earlier loss and start a streak of their own?

While on the subject of the Lucas conference playoffs, the other match up will be another week one rematch with 2009 FFL champions the Horsemen of the Apokolips looking to topple George Washington's Slaves. Last time the Horsemen defeated the Slaves in the playoffs, they won a championship. Will history repeat itself?  Or will the Slaves topple yet another powerhouse team in their quest for their first ever championship?

Over in the Stan Lee conference,we've got the play-offs set but it's anybody's ball game. We'll see a week seven rematch between Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches, a match which saw B3 get a huge victory in Las Vegas. Will the odds be in the Backyardigans' favor again, or will the Murderflies give the 2010 FFL champions an early exit in the quest for a second trophy.

In the other match up, it looks like the most controversial trade in FFL history paid off in spades for Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers. While the trade didn't seem to go quite as planned for last year's champions Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve, the Dope Fiends not only were able to run the table and defeat every team in their division but score a first ever play off appearance for this iteration of the Dope Fiends. Their opponents aren't ones to be taken lightly however, as the last time Team Sleeping Pussy was battling on the Play Off Planet the destroyed the planet and secured themselves a victory thanks to the mechanations of Kang the Conqueror. Will we see another planet shattering contest? Or will Griffin keep the pussies from waking? Keep it locked here to the Ocho for all the playoff action!

As we head into round one of the playoffs. Don't forget that this Wednesday May 31st,  live on Groudy.com and The Majors.net we'll be broadcasting LIVE with our special panel of FFL experts as we look at the season that was, and speculate on what else we'll see this year. Broadcast starts at 8 pm, and promises to be just as wild as anything else we've seen this year. Again, that's May 31st at 8 on Groudy.com and TheMajors.net. We'll see ya there!

That's it for this season. As we head into the playoffs, this has been "Spoiler Sport!" I'm Cotton McKnight. Thank you and good night.

Season Five Consolation Round (Balls, balls, balls!)

Round One: McDonald's Ball Pit
25 points
Prize: 1 Extra Draft Ball for the 2013 FFL Draft

The first match ups will be:

Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve vs Tijuana Taco Benders-(Josh)

Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs Layander's Super Orange Kitties-(Nick)

Better Than All of You vs Xavier's Annihilation Squad- (Seeney)

Transfoamers vs TEAM- (Fizz)

Again, I'll need rosters by 11:15 pm Monday. Best of luck to all involved.

SEASON FIVE PLAYOFFS

Round 1: Playoff Planet
750 Points
Prize: S.P.I.N. (Super-Power-Inhibiting Nanobots) Technology (3 uses)

Horsemen of Apokolips vs George Washington’s Slaves (Josh)
Miley Cyrus and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos vs Logical Genocide (Becks)
Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches vs Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies (Ryan)
Team Sleeping Pussy vs Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers (Seeney)

Division winners were awarded a Palantir (3 uses).
Everyone who made the Playoffs were awarded a set of 3 Life Model Decoys (3 uses per Decoy).

Week Nine Standings

Season Five: Week 9: Beckerman's Backyardigan's Beeyotches vs TEAM

Beckerman's Backyardigans Beeyotches are The Chaos King, Zombie Superman, Black Zarak, Hermione Granger and & Ewok #48.

TEAM is Jedi Knight #38B-40B, Goldbug, Bumblebee, Zistar Flamgag, Lightening McQueen, Tow Mater, Duke Nukem, Edward Cullen and Bella Cullen.

The room was dark without a hint of movement. Silence filled the air while several people slept soundly on their respective beds. The dark room had only the slightest smell of sin to it but there was nothing odd about the place to tell the story behind it. Slowly though, there was a small steady movement around the walls, giving the illusion that maybe something wasn't quite right. An unsettling feeling came over the place but there was nothing firm to give any real basis for the fear. The room then fell silent again until there was another quick movement towards the side of one of the beds. A whisper was heard, "I'm six months pregnant, watch me whilst...What the Hell!” Then nothing until the shadow along the wall moved again until it was no longer present. The room once more fell back into silence and eventually, hours later the room came alive again, only this time it was with the movement of the people waking up for the day.

As a small girl Hermione Granger traveled across Europe and other parts of the world with her Muggle parents. She so very much loved the thrill of coming to a new place, so when the young witch heard that they were to be fighting in New York city this week, she begged Mr. Beckerman to start her.

EARLIER…

Hermione: Please Mr. Beckerman, I know you do not find any pleasure in starting me during a match but I've always wanted to visit New York City.

Mr. Beckerman: I like having you around the office too much to start you Hermione. This place would fall apart if you weren't here.

Hermione: Well that may be true but I can't imagine one more match this year is going to displace the peace too much.

Mr. Beckerman: Well, I suppose I could make the exception one more time.

Hermione: Oh Mr. Beckerman...

Mr. Beckerman: Under one condition of course.

Hermione: Oh god (under her breathe). Yes, what is it?

Mr. Beckerman just smiles and says, "How about a little Men at Work?"

Hermione: Are you asking me if I'd like to go to a place down under?

Mr. Beckerman continues to smile as he looks across the table at the witch.

Hermione: Fine, you men are all the same. You do realize that this never means anything to me.

Mr. Beckerman: What? Are you saying something?

Hermione just shook her head in disgust, not quite sure if it was in regards to Mr. Beckerman or herself, either way, Mr. Beckerman couldn’t care less.

So after a simple conversation with Mr. Beckerman, Hermione was having her wish fulfilled as she was finally getting to visit the big apple. She walked into the Yankee Stadium with Zombie Superman and Ewok #48 in tow. Hermione looked at both of her teammates with complete disgust as the zombified Superman smelled and looked utterly awful, but not quite as awful as Ewok #48.

Hermione: I do not mean to be cross with you two but would it be too much to ask for you to at least bathe before battle. The newly renovated showers in the east hall have made it so there is no longer a reason to ever miss a shower. I know this of course because I am the one who implemented the plans to have such a wondrous system in place...

Hermione continued to talk to herself as both Zombie Superman and Ewok #48 went off into separate directions, away from the young witch.

Hermione: Well fine then, I suppose it's just too much for you two to understand. (She pauses for just a moment and then quietly says to herself)  I swear I don't remember the other Ewok's smelling that bad, if I wasn't so sure of the roster this week I would say he was a zombie himself.

Lord Chaos was all around the billion-dollar stadium, never staying in once place for more then a moment. Black Zarak on the other hand was nowhere to be found, which is odd since he is about the size of the Upper East Side.

On the other side of the stadium, TEAM's members quickly run out of the gate, very excited to get into the match. Most of them are not used to playing, so there is a positive energy in the air that is contagious. That is of course until the sullen ones enter the field. Despite the Cullen's love for baseball, Edward and Bella don't seem to even notice their surroundings. They just walk out of the dugout hand in hand, staring at each other’s beauty.

Edward: You are a vampire Bella.

Bella: You are a vampire too Edward. I can't believe how much I am in love with you.

Edward: If you left for even a second I don't know how I could live without you.

Bella: It would be the end of me as well. Your beautiful white skin makes me ravenous inside. I could think about your beauty all day.

Edward: Not as much as I could think about you. I didn't think you could become anymore beautiful then you were as a human but your skin is just so luminous in its whiteness.

Bella: We have a baby and I am a vampire.

Edward: I will protect you until the end of time you clumsy fool.

Bella: Oh Edward.

Edward: Oh my Bella.

Bella and Edward: We made Reneesme.

Jedi Knight #38B: Oh my god, please shut the f#$% up! I would seriously rather deep throat my lightsaber then listen to you guys talk anymore about each other.

Bella: Looks like somebody’s never been in love.

Edward: Nobody has ever been in love like we have. We made a baby.

Bella: We are both vampires like Esme and Alice.

Edward: You are a Cullen now. A Vampire who is a vegetarian even though we still technically eat meat.

Duke Nukem gives Jedi Knight #38B a look and the Jedi just gives him a look of resignation.

Duke Nukem: Come get some!

Duke then shoots his shrink ray at both Cullen’s and makes them smaller then your average mouse.

Bella: (In a high pitched voice) I love you more then the sun is bright. I’ll never stop thinking about your topaz eyes.

Edward: (In a high pitched voice as well) We made a baby.

Duke Nukem then walks over to the two tiny vampires and crushes them with his mighty boot. He then drops a pipe bomb on top of them and doesn't turn around when it explodes.

Duke Nukem: Ooh, that's gotta hurt.

Tow Mater: Hey yall, can we start fighting the other side before we completely kill each other?

Duke Nukem: Don't have time to play with myself.

Jedi Knight #40B: Huh, I can always find time for that.

The air was stale as the Endorian creatures slept. Darkness overtook the room as usual but on this night, there was a slight difference. Movement came across the dark shadows of the room and then they abruptly stopped. "Wake up." Nothing happened at first and then an Ewok awoke out of a deep sleep. "You still want the shit?" A slightly groggy "Yub yub" is heard, quickly followed by a "Shut the F#$% up! Seriously, don't say another word and just follow me". The still half asleep Ewok got out of bed and followed the shadowy figure through the darkness of the room and out into the nothingness of the night.

Jedi Knight #39B: Hell yeah Duke, now lets finally do our team proud for once this year.

Every member of TEAM took off towards the three visible members of the Backyardigans with such force and excitement that is was difficult not to feel the inspiration coercing through their veins. Instantly Ewok #48 ducked back into the dug out, making sure he was out of sight. Zombie Superman welcomed the incoming combatants, as he was craving some brains. Hermione Granger cast a spell that sent Lightening McQueen after Tow Mater, which immediately made Duke Nukem unload his Devastater at McQueen. Before the sports car was able to react, he was blown to smithereens by the machosistic pig.

Zistar Flamgag: Could we not kill each other you guys? We're not even making this a match for them.

Zombie Superman: Braiiinnnnnsssss!!!

Jedi Knight #40B: I am so sick of Zombie's saying Brains. You never here any of us saying Ham and Cheese Saaaannndddwichessssss!

As the Jedi Knight says this he is blasted with Zombie Superman’s heat vision and is quickly eaten alive by the undead kryptonian.

Zombie Superman: Ham and Cheese Saaannnndddwichesssss!

Jedi Knight #38B: Huh, who knew that a zombie could have a sense of humor.

Hermione: I did actually, because as the Backyardigans...

Zistar Flamgag: Please spare us your exposition Ms. Granger.

Hermione: Well I never...

Zistar then force pushed the witch into the bullpen, which instantly knocked her out.

Zistar: I think it's time for some style on this field.

Duke Nukem: It's tornado time.

Zistar Flamgag then creates the most magnificent force tornado this side of the Mississippi and sends it towards Hermione. As the tornado targets the witch though, out of nowhere, the walls around the bullpen where she is lying unconscious close around her, blocking her from certain death.

Duke Nukem: What the hell?

Zistar Flamgag: Huh, that's odd.

As the Ewok followed the mysterious figure he was wondering what he was getting himself into. As the darkness continued to overwhelm him, he eventually gave his trust over to the person who he knew wasn’t exactly on the up and up. With that being said though, if what he was promised was true, it was unequivocally going to be worth it. As he followed the shadow into the small room he stopped as he assumed this was where his fix was going to come. He was told to sit down on what seemed like a toilet. Normally this would seem odd but the high he was promised was to be so extreme that he was willing to put his life on the line for it. As the shadowy figure continued to fidget around the small room, the Ewok just sat there patiently, waiting for what he expected to be the most pleasurable moment of his life. His anticipation was immense but as soon as he heard the voice say, "Take a hit of this shit" he knew he had made the correct choice. He took a hit of the shit and he instantly was on cloud nine. He had read rock star autobiography's that talked about high's this good, but he never dreamed of ever attaining it for himself. As he sat there on the toilet he wondered if his life would ever be this good again. The pleasure overtook every sense in his dimwitted mind. He just sat there in the bathroom waiting for his next instruction but as time went on he realized he was by himself. Twenty minutes must have gone by and he was beginning to worry about his decision. After the high wore off he started to wonder what he was going to do. He was still hoping against hope that his mystery dealer would come back and give him one more hit but the realization of the situation began to overtake him. He started to understand what he had gotten himself into but by the time this happened, he felt the blow to his head. The first blow was a shock but the next five came in such rapid succession that they stopped being surprising and almost became expected. It wasn't long before he lost conscienceness and started to bleed out. The voice in the background became the only voice in the area and by this time the only thing the voice said was, "Time to finish this thing off."

Jedi Knight #39B: What the hell was that? Why the hell would the stadium protect her like that?

The Chaos King: Did it ever occur to you that maybe you weren't in Yankee Stadium to begin with?

Jedi Knight #39B: Why would that ever occur to me...Oh F#$%.

As the realization of this overcomes the TEAM members, Yankee Stadium begins to close up around every single member of TEAM. The ground begins to crumble under both Jedi Knights and the outfield walls literally begin to attack Duke Nukem as he starts to shoot everything he has at them. Tow Mater was the first to fall victim to the stadium as the left field upper deck crushed him to death. Zistar Flamgag has tried to conjure up another force tornado but before he is able to, he finds himself being suffocated to death by an unknown force in the middle on the infield.

The Chaos King laughs as he toys with the fake Jedi and watches him eventually take his last breathe. He looks around finds Goldbug who is trying to outrun the infield grounds, which are falling into nothingness. He hopes that he is fast enough to escape the implosion of the grass and right after the concept car believes he is in the clear, he picks him up and crushes him without a seconds thought. Bumblebee sees this happen and heads back towards the dugout. He narrowly escapes the destruction and manages to find shelter in the quickly crumbling stadium.

Jedi Knight #38B: What the hell is going on here?

Jedi Knight #39B: I don't know but why isn't the stadium going after them? It's like...

Ewok #48: It's like it's alive?

Both Jedi's are stunned by hearing an Ewok actually speak English (or basic) instead of its usually endorian language.

Jedi Knight #39B: You're saying the stadium is alive and you guys managed to recruit it for your own doing?

Ewok #48: No, I'm saying this isn't the stadium at all.

Jedi Knight #38B: Oh really? First we have an Ewok who can actually talk to us and now a stadium is not only alive but it's on your side?

Ewok #48: Well, not exactly.

Jedi Knight #38B: Wait, which part?

"Oh my god I had no idea their skin was this tough." As the shadow continues to cut away at the now dead Ewok, he is starting to wonder how long this was going to take. He had been slicing away at the flesh for over an hour now and he still did not have what he needed. It was lucky for him that nobody on his team suspected a thing or else this could have been a disaster. After another twenty minutes or so went by he finally had what he wanted and began to carefully set the scene for his crime. He tucked the skin suit away very carefully and then placed his flamethrower underneath the bloody body of the Ewok. He covered the ground in as many drugs as he had brought and turned the flamethrower on. The bathroom quickly became an inferno (Argento Style) and before he knew it the bloody, skinless body of the Ewok was engulfed in flames. He only had seconds to add the finishing touch to his masterpiece but as he took off, he gently set a crusted up Kleenex in the corner of the bathroom, a corner that he knew would be safe from the fire. He knew that there was going to be an investigation and although this evidence might be convenient, he understood that his team was going to be more then willing to pin this on Ryan. As the shadowy figure walked away from the scene holding the skin suit of Ewok #48 he laughed, saying "burn in hell Ryan, burn in hell you stupid son of a bitch."

Ewok #48 then walked out of the dugout, only it wasn't just an Ewok. As the small supposedly Endorian creature walked towards the two trapped Jedi Knights he began to tear off his fur and before the Knight knew what to do with themselves they realized what, or I should say who they were actually looking at.

Jedi Knight #39B: It can't be, you died.

Jedi Knight #38B: You piece of s#$#!

Pablo: That's right boys, don't believe everything you read in the papers because not only didn't I go anywhere, I've been right where I've wanted to be this entire time...right up your f#$#ing ass!

Pablo then unleashes his flamethrower on the two Jedi's and he stands there in triumph and laughs as he watches them burn to death in the crumbling outfield.

Pablo: I'd like to say I'm back but that'd be understating the point.

Just then a now free from the outfield bleachers Duke Nukem unleashed his full arsenal on Pablo but before he landed a bullet on the sadistic penguin, Zombie Superman flew in front of the penguin and took in the full blast of his offering.

Duke Nukem: Hey Clark, you look hot, looks like you need to chill, chill chill.

Duke Nukem then empties his entire freeze gun on the zombie kryptonian, freezing him in his exact defensive stance.

Duke Nukem then looks directly at him, smirks and says, "Come Get Some" and fires one missile at him and blows the zombified Clark Kent into a million pieces. He then turns to Pablo who is staring back in him disbelief and says, "What you waiting for, Christmas?"

Hermione Granger: No Mr. Nukem, I believe that's already passed.

Duke Nukem then turns around to look at Hermione and says,  "Ooh, shake em baby. Show me some sugar."

Hermione Granger: I would be glad to.

Hermione then stuns the muscle bound walking erection as Pablo rushes up to him and unloads the last of his flamethrower on him. Duke is fully conscience as he burns to death under the stunning spell of Ms. Granger.

Hermione looks over at Pablo and not only can't believe her eyes but will never likely forgive herself for being glad to see the sadistic penguin. She looks at him with a sense of gratitude and a huge smile on her face.

Hermione: I can't believe I am going to say this but I am very happy to see you again.

Pablo: Oh I bet you are, your reputation has only grown since I went into hiding. Speaking of grown, you should see my...

Hermione: I only say this because you have no idea what a headache the last couples of months have been. Vader has been so distracted since your supposed demise; it's been almost impossible to get him to concentrate on anything else. I am glad you are alright though, we are going to need your...skill set in the upcoming playoff run.

Pablo: Skill set? Just come out and say it, you need yourself some penguin.

Hermione: Interspecies cohabitating is out of the question. I've stooped to levels that I never quite imagined I would have over the last couple of months, but I must draw the line somewhere.

Pablo: We'll see about that.

Hermione gives a smile and blushes a little but not before Bumblebee crashes out through the dugout and sends a shot directly towards the penguin. Hermione blocks the shot with a defensive spell and before the yellow car is able to do anything else, he is pinned back down to the ground.

Bumblebee: Wait, wait one second. Just let me know.

Hermione: Just let you know what?

Bumblebee: How did you turn the Stadium into a weapon? How did you make it work for you as well as you did?

Hermione: CK? Would you like the floor on this one?

Out of nowhere The Chaos King appeared and in an instant he grabbed Bumblebee and flew him in the air several hundred feet above the stadium.

The Chaos King: Do you notice something odd?

Bumblebee: No, what?

The Chaos King: Look right in front of you. What do you see?

Bumblebee: (In disbelief) I don't believe it.

The Chaos King: Look familiar?

Bumblebee: That's the new Yankee Stadium. It's right across the street. But I thought they tore the old one down three years ago.

The Chaos King: They did.

Bumblebee: Then what is this place?

The Chaos King: Bumblebee, that is your name isn't it?

Bumblebee shakes his head yes.

The Chaos King: Bumblebee, I'd like you to meet my friend, Black Zarak.

As he finishes his sentence he smiles one last time at the Autobot and drops him down to the ground. He lands with a thud, but before he is able to get his wits about him, the ground completely collapses around him and the monstrous transformer that has played as the terrain for them the entire match engulfed him. As Hermione and Pablo leave the Black Zarak Yankee Stadium, Bumblebee is overcome with the power of the transformer, bringing TEAM's most disappointing season ever in the Fantasy Fantasy League to an end.

Season Five Week Nine: Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers vs Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies

Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers are: Power Girl, Proteus, Ron Burgundy W/ Quinlan Vos’s lightsaber, Brian Fantana W/ Magnoguard Electrostaff, Brick Tambland W/Trident, Champ Kind W/ Battle Axe, Veronica Corningstone w/M202A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher, Baxter the Dog, Mrs. Voorhees W/ Red Lantern Ring, Damien Thornn W/ Yellow Lantern Ring, Mrs. Baylock, Damien Thornn’s Rotwiller, Venom (Flash Thompson), Mecha Hitler, Sub-Zero, and Robot Man.

Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies are: Quintus Lentulus Batiatus, Lucretia Batiatus, Spartacus, Crixus, Gannicus, Oenomaus (Doctore), Agron, Barca, Varro, Naevia, Mira, Melitta, Prince of Persia, Altair Ibn-La'Ahad, Ezio Auditore da Firenze, Machete, Teddy Roosevelt w/Green Lantern Ring, Quick Draw McGraw, and Rancor #2.

The sun peaks over the towering spectacle that is the Coliseum. The crowd is a raucous bunch. Their bellies full of wine. Heads filled with lustful thoughts and a rising desire for carnage. Quintus Lentulus Batiatus steps forth from his seat upon the balcony and raises his hands in the air, quieting the audience.

“Good people of Rome!” he starts. “It has been a long journey, but the House of Batiatus is finally here in the Coliseum!”

The crowd lets out a cheer that grows through the air. Quintus quiets them down as he continues.

“You have all seen wondrous spectacles of blood and victory here in this truly awe inspiring structure. But nothing like you will see in a moment. I bring to you, the good people of Rome, a feast for the senses. Today you will be witness to the finest gladiators that have ever drawn blood on this hallowed sand. Allow me to introduce to you….Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies! Led by the Bringer of Rain, himself… SPARTACUS!!!!”

The crowd erupts in voracious applauses as the gates open and Spartacus leads his crew out to the arena. He is followed closely behind by an exuberant Gannicus, a determined Crixus, and the ever stoic Oenomaus. The rest of the Murderflies take their positions in the sand as directed to them by Spartacus as they await the arrival of their opponents.

The hiss of hydraulics then fills the air as Mecha-Hitler arises and takes his place on the balcony. The audience falls silent as he begins to speak.

“Ah, very vell said, herr Batiatus. But your vords vill not be enou….”

“Great story. Compelling and rich. Uhh, I got this one robot man,” says Ron Burgundy as he stands up and knocks back the rest of his glass of scotch.

“Vhat?! I am not Robot Man,” replies Mech-Hitler. “I am ze one and only Mecha-Hitler!”

“Your mustache is hilarious. It isn’t even finished,” Ron Burgundy says. He then turns his attention to a confused Roman audience. “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. Um, I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany…”

The audience begins to grow unruly, and they are not the only ones. Agron takes aim and launches a spear towards Ron Burgundy up in the balcony. He however, barely misses the anchorman, who had just turned out of the way to re-fill his glass with delicious scotch. The spear does however drive through the chest of Lucretia Batiatus, who was sitting in the balcony as well. Spartacus snaps his head around in anger to Agron, who simply shrugs his shoulders and lets out a chuckle.

“Channel 4 Action News Team! Let’s do this,” says Ron Burgundy as he ignites his lightsaber. Ron leaps off the balcony and leads his team into battle.

The News Team then finds themselves surrounded by the gladiators. Brian Fantana is dropkicked back by Varro as Champ gets attacked by Gannicus. Barca lets out a vicious roar at Brick, who in turns yells right back. Both, wielding tridents, rush towards each other. Barca, however, is a trained gladiator and easily dodges Brick’s attack and skewers him with his trident. The first of the Action 4 News Team falls. But he is certainly not the last. Champ Kind is totally outclassed by Gannicus and has both of his arms sliced off by the former “Champion of Capua.” Brian Fantana is desperately trying to fend of Varro, but is quickly backed up against the wall. Varro arrogantly waltzes toward the lead field reporter, which proves to be his undoing. Ron runs up behind him and drives his lightsaber through Varro’s back.

“Well… when in Rome,” Ron says as he drops the gladiator.

Veronica Corningstone sees the trio of Naevia, Mira and Melitta behind all of the gladiators. She takes aim with her rocket launcher and lets one off the chain. The women leap out of the way and evade the incoming rocket. A large section of the crowd however, is not so lucky. The rocket explodes into the stands and takes out several hundred viewers. Naevia then leads the women against Veronica who finds herself now being triple-teamed. Melitta distracts her as Mira fires an arrow through Veronica’s eye, killing her. Baxter the Dog runs up and bites Naevia on the ankle, which causes her to let out a scream. This attracts the attention of her lover, Crixus. The Gaul runs over and punts the little dog in the head, sending his lifeless body hurdling across the arena floor. He goes to tend to Naevia, who assures him that she is fine.

Ron and Brian find themselves alone against the whole of the Murderflies. Brian begins to cry uncontrollably. Burgundy pulls out a flask full of scotch and finishes it off in no time. The gladiators begin to close in, when Barca is frozen solid in place in a block of ice. The two remaining members of the News Team spin around to see Sub-Zero and the rest of the Dope Fiends finally arriving to the battle. Fantana is overwhelmed with relief that his immediately throws up all over the arena floor, which causes the audience to let out an audible groan. Sub-Zero slides underneath Agron’s swipe of his sword and uppercuts the frozen Barca, exploding the block of ice and the gladiator inside.

“Great Odin’s raven!” exclaims Ron upon seeing Sub-Zero’s move.

The crowd is now in a frenzied state of drunken cheering as the battle nears its apex. Damien Thornn flies in just in time to see Mrs. Baylock and his trusted rotwiller gutted by Altair Ibn-La’Ahad and Ezio Auditore da Firenze. The Anti-Christ fires several blasts from his Yellow Lantern ring at the assassins, but they manage to evade the attack. The small boy lands on the arena sands and begins to calmly walk toward the duo. They race over to a large gate and pull its doors open. A massive Rancor stomps his way out of the shadows and focuses on Damien. The monstrous creature lunges down and snaps the boy up in its jaws. The head of the Rancor then explodes in a burst of yellow energy as Damien Thornn rises out from it. The crowd lets out a loud “ohhhhhhhh!!!” as the beast falls.

Venom sneaks up behind Quick Draw McGraw and dispatches the horse before being knocked into the crowd by the Prince of Persia. Venom looks up just in time to see a machete slamming down into his skull, courtesy of Machete. He turns and gives the Prince of Persia a nod as he runs of to find more victims.

As the battle spills out of the arena and into the stands, Batiatus tries to flee, but is stopped by Mecha-Hitler. The cyborg dictator takes aim and aerates Quintus with his quad chain guns. Spartacus sees this and races towards the balcony. He uses the shield of Crixus as a ramp, and leaps into the air, sword drawn. Spartacus drives his blade right into Hitler’s face and splits it in two. The crowd erupts in applause at the sight of the “Bringer of Rain.” He then leaps off the balcony and targets Sub-Zero who has just ripped the spine out of the Italian Assassin. The ninja fires an ice blast that Spartacus easily dodges. However, the Prince of Persia is blindsided by it and is frozen solid, which allows Ron Burgundy to slice him in half with his lightsaber. Sub-Zero fires another ice blast that Spartacus blocks with his shield. He is however, forced to drop the shield, as it is now caked in ice. Sub-Zero slides towards the gladiator and knocks him off his feet. Spartacus rolls out of the way of another ice attack. He leaps up and connects with a hard knee to the chin, which catapults Sub-Zero into the air and down onto his back. The descendant of the Cryomancers flips back on to his feet and takes a stance as he concentrates. A glowing ball of ice begins to form between the Lin Kuei ninja’s hands as he continues to concentrate. Spartacus, ever patient, stalks Sub-Zero. The two never lose eye contact. The gladiator the begins to run right towards the kombatant. Sub-Zero lets out a loud yell as he unleashes the massive blast of ice towards Spartacus. The Thracian narrowly slides out of the way, leaps up, comes across Sub-Zero’s torso and cuts him in half. The crowd roars, as a “Spartacus, Spartacus, Spartacus…” chant breaks out.

The trio of women from the Ludis has lured Ron Burgundy and Brian Fantana into the tunnels of the Coliseum. Mira grabs Ron and begins to tear his clothes as Melitta and Naevia undress Brian.

“Oh, why hello there,” says Ron. “Please, be careful with the suit. It’s polyester, you know.”

The women do not say a word. They just continue to undress the two remaining members of the News Team. Mira unbuckles Ron’s pants as he drops his lightsaber to the ground. Naevia takes Brian’s electrostaff so that Melitta can remove his jacket. Mira then drops to her knees and begins to perform fellatio on the anchorman. Naevia knocks Brian down and climbs on top of the reporter.

“Well this is just a delight,” says Burgundy as he closes his eyes and leans his head back in enjoyment.

“Oh, oh, oh. And here I thought we were being brought down here to our doom,” adds Fantana.

As Naevia grinds deeper and deeper onto Fantana’s groin, she reaches behind her and grabs a hold of a dagger. She leans in and whispers into Brian’s ear, “That’s exactly what it is happening.”

She plunges the dagger into Brian Fantana’s chest. He screams in agony, but Ron is too far gone into “Pleasure Town” courtesy of Mira’s amazing abilities with her throat to be able to tell that Brian’s screams are ones of excruciating pain. Melitta then takes a scarf off from around her neck and wraps it tightly around Brian’s throat and finishes him off. Mira then finishes off Ron, figuratively. She pulls away, wipes her mouth and turns to her teammates and gives them a wink. Ron then opens his eyes to see the three women, all wielding daggers, surrounding him.

“Ladies. Please, be careful with those things. You may cut my mane,” says Ron as he stands there with his pants around his ankles.

There is then a rumble from deep within the tunnels. The wall behind Burgundy explodes as Power Girl comes to her teammate’s aid. She quickly uses her heat vision to dispatch the three women and saves Ron Burgundy from certain death.

“Oh, thank the maker,” the anchorman says as he’s rescued.

“Ron…” Power Girl says. “Put your damn pants back on.” She then flies off with a slight smirk on her face after seeing the pants less Burgundy.

Back out in the arena, Teddy Roosevelt is being bombarded by the combination of Mrs. Voorhees and Damien Thornn with their respected rings. The two evil beings are quickly tiring the former President. But Oenomaus’s whip wraps around Mrs. Voorhees and slams her to the ground. Agron then tackles the Anti-Christ. The mother of Jason tries to free herself from the whip but cannot free herself at first. She then uses her red rage energy to vomit all over the taught whip, burning it to ashes. Oenomaus stumbles back as the whip snaps apart. Mrs. Voorhees spews more red rage energy at the Doctore, but he dives behind the Rancor carcass. Gannicus leaps over the Rancor next to his old friend.

“Ha, did I just see you run from an old woman?!” laughs Gannicus.

Oenomaus glares at him and replies, “Do you ever take anything seriously?”

“Hahaha. Sure I do. I take the thought of an empty glass very seriously,” jokes Gannicus.

The two gladiators then flank around the dead Rancor and double team Mrs. Voorhees. They dodge her red rage energy. Gannicus is the first to strike and jams his sword into her open mouth. Oenomaus then comes up from behind and drives his into her back. They give each other a nod of a job well done when they notice that Agron is being ripped apart by the pack of yellow energy rotwillers that Damien has created. Teddy Roosevelt has by now recovered from the double team he was facing and now is focused his energy to taking out Robot Man. The robotic Cliff Steele tries his best to defend himself, but the sheer willpower of the 26th President is too much for him and he is melted to slag by the green energy. Damien Thornn sees this and turns his attention to Teddy. But he first fires a blast of yellow energy that knocks Gannicus and Oenomaus away. Though Roosevelt is filled with willpower, there are few that can instill as much fear as the Anti-Christ can. Damien fires multiple yellow energy spikes that break through Teddy’s green energy shield and pierce Roosevelt’s body. Crixus however blindsides Damien and viciously and brutally removes first his limbs and then his head, leaving the boy a bloody torso.

As Gannicus and Oenomaus regain their composure, they noticed the burnt out husk that was once Machete and Altair Ibn-La’Ahad.

“What by Jupiter’s cock has done this?!” exclaims Oenomaus. He turns to see Gannicus’s eyes glowing and is betrayed by his own teammate. Gannicus slowly plunges his sword into Oenomaus’s gut. “Gannicus? Why?”

“Not Gannicus,” the gladiator sneers. “Proteus.” The mutant has possessed the body of Gannicus and now uses his reality warping powers to stretch Oenomaus’s body well beyond its physical limitations. He then disintegrates the Doctore.

Spartacus and Crixus find themselves as the only two remaining members of the Murderflies left still standing, now that Proteus has possessed Gannicus. The normal laughter from Gannicus now has a strange and unsettling reverberation to it. Power Girl swoops out from the tunnels below and lands next to Gannicus/Proteus. Spartacus takes Power Girl as Crixus faces off against Proteus.

Spartacus moves swiftly and surely, but Power Girl’s Kryptonian abilities allow her to easily evade the attacks. He continues his pursuit, as Ron Burgundy re-enters the fray. He ignites his lightsaber and attacks with the fervor of a Sex Panther. Spartacus barely evades the swing of the lightsaber. He spins around and thrusts his sword into the chest of Ron Burgundy. Power Girl eyes then glow red and she unleashes a blast of her heat vision. Spartacus is able to grab Burgundy’s lightsaber and block the attack just in time.

The Coliseum itself, begins to melt and warp around the combatants as Proteus unleashes more of his power. Crixus continues to battle his possessed teammate. Gannicus’s body burns faster and faster as Crixus forces Proteus back. The mutant finally burns completely through the gladiator and erupts from Gannicus’s body. He then uses his powers to open the ground beneath the Gaul and swallow him whole.

Spartacus continues to defend himself against Power Girl. She flies in and knocks Spartacus clear across the arena. Blood spurts from his mouth as he hits the sands. He rolls back up onto his feet and manages to swing the lightsaber and slashes Power Girl. She slams into the ground as she loses control of flight from the attack. When she stands up there cauterized wound across her shoulder. That is all that is on her shoulder now, due to the lightsaber cutting through her costume. Her heaving breasts are fully exposed now, which now just pisses Power Girl off. What’s left of the crowd is now fully on their feet in an uproarious fever as the sun glistens off of the sweat the drips down her cleavage. Even Spartacus cracks a smile when he sees this amazing sight. Power Girl then flies up to the Thracian in a blink of an eye. She grabs him by his throat and lifts him into the air. Spartacus cannot believe the sheer speed she just showed. Power Girl then slams Spartacus into the ground, killing him on impact. She picks her cape up off of the arena floor and wraps it around her exposed breasts.

“God, I’m glad Burgundy isn’t around to see this,” she says to herself.