Week 7: Pandas vs Meat Suits

Black and White Painted Dogs: Cyclops, Jean Grey, Iceman, Archangel, Beast, Aquaman, Avatar Roku, Amon, Ming-Hua, Apollo, Artemis, Wartortle, Zombie Seaworm, Mathew Perry, Captain Jimmy Wilder in a F-18

David Byrne’s Heralds: Avatar Korra, Unalaq, Desna, Eska, Jar Jar Marines (10), Boss Nass, Kosa-Yin Hadu, Captain Tarples, Gungan Soldiers #1-10, Piplup, One Punch Man, Seaworm #7, Seaworm #1A (final death), Vampire Seaworm, Black Lantern Seaworm, Slippy Toad, Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver, Yellowjacket Hank Pym, Norman Rockwell w/ Blue Lightsaber, Lewis, Clark, Sacagawea, Homer Simpson, Marge, Lisa, Bart w/ Dark Brandon’s AR-14, Maggie, Santa’s Little Helper, Jar Jar Binks

Yes… yes… the humble vacation abode for the Houslander name venturing back a millennia. Fortunately for the Houslander members who keep their water interactions secluded to Traverse Bay, this ferocious battle will venture into the mysterious depths of the WORLD FAMOUS BUCKE-…. I mean… LAKE MICHIGAN (just a friendly reminder that Gus Johnson’s dumbass is an Ohio State Fan). And as always for settings like this, those who are not necessarily “made for water” will be given complimentary breathing apparatuses (as both teams made this decision). In this instance, the breathing apparatus is strikingly similar to the “Bubble-Head Charm” from Harry Potter used by the likes of Cedric Diggory (prayers up RIP) and Fleur Delacour during the second task of the Triwizard Tournament. Although, the durability of said air bubble cannot be guaranteed…One last measure of housekeeping involves the Captain of the Black Knights Squadron, Jimmy Wilder, whose appearance in an F-18 is impractical underwater and you might as well refer to this guy as “Goose” because he’s dead before he even hit the water.

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With all of that settled, let’s dive deep into this top secret underwater city-scape. Now there is no tangible proof of the existence of this atlantis-like city that rests at the bottom of this beautiful lake, but my watchful eyes will have to suffice for proof of reality.

The heralds of the great David Byrne have assumed control of the city center as this team consists of many Gungans, Northern Water Tribe folk, and various water versions of Dune’s Shai-Hulud, all of whom are very comfortable in this setting. In the seaweed (yuck) outskirts of the city rests the opposing dawgs painted black and white to resemble pandas? I don’t know about you folks, but it just seems to me like a poor replication of blackface… you do you I guess. Regardless, Scar Jo’s peeps start their silent maneuver through the city’s outer rim to try and reach King Jar Jar Binks. They first encounter the Simpson family eating burgers at the Krusty Burger (don’t ask why the mysterious underwater city has a Simpsons staple restaurant, just accept this franchise’s wide audience reach) who are taken out quickly by Ming-Hua’s elite water bending abilities. While they may have thought they were efficient and silent, it is unknown to them that Quicksilver was running around as surveillance and caught the act and silently notified King Jar Jar.

As Cosby’s group continues on, it is them who are surprised and are attacked by all the Gungan soldiers. Captain Tarples is able to end Artemis with a precise spear throw, but the rest of the Gungans quickly fall to the work of Jean Grey’s abilities. King Jar Jar was still upset with how he was banished some time ago by the Gungans, this is why he sent them first on this sui-slide mission.

After the “pandas” have made it the majority of the way to the city center, they find a large open area they need to pass to reach the front door of the city center’s castle which is circled above by the many seaworms. The team makes a break for it, but are only halfway when Heralds of David Byrne begin popping up out of nowhere. In reality, it is Quicksilver who is transporting the heralds to surround the trapped “pandas”. While successful, Quicksilver uses far too much energy and has run out of oxygen in his air bubble. Now it is an all out brawl with both teams giving it everything they’ve got. Jean Grey on Scarlet Witch, Piplup on Wartortle, Avatar Roku on Avatar Korra, and so much more. The murky depths are shaken and the muddy waters are making it impossible to see who’s winning what. After many screams, cries for help, and cheers of success, the water finally begins to clear, showing the remaining alive and those who’ve fallen.

One Punch Man stands alone protecting the castle doors hiding away King Jar Jar and the final line of defense seaworms. Opposing the lone man, Aquaman leads a heartbroken Cyclops holding the lifeless body of Jean Grey, the cool guy Iceman, Beast, and their own zombified seaworm. The bald headed superhero appears familiar to the X-men group, but the speed and power he moves at when punching Beast into oblivion sends shutters down their spines. Cyclops finally makes an appearance in battle by shooting a laser beam at the caped foe, but narrowly misses. However, he did not realize the beam would destroy his own air bubble and began to drown. Iceman begins frantically trying to ice One Punch Man and is successful, but not until after their lone seaworm is mutilated. With One Punch Man immobilized, Cyclops sends one last beam through his skull before finally drowning. 

Aquaman and Iceman need to fend off 4 seaworms to be able to finally face King Jar Jar. Seaworm #1A moves straight for the Omega level mutant, Iceman, and is completely unbothered by his attempt to freeze the mighty great maker and Iceman is swallowed whole. With the king of the seas facing four large creatures, he remembers his hydrokinesis abilities and simply uses them to force the great creatures to eat each other.

Finally, one last person is left before Aquaman. He bursts into the great hall of this underwater castle only to find that King Jar Jar’s random clumsiness and luck has run out as Jar Jar appears to have slipped and hit his head causing his own death. So much for the supposed Darth Jar Jar rumors…

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In a bonus side story, a retelling of Mathew Perry’s fate unfolded. He yet again got really high on various drugs, and again decided to take a face down snooze in a bathtub (not very effective when you’re already completely underwater). Fortunately for this time around, the beloved Friends character was granted his air bubble like everyone else at the start of the match. It allowed him to live!! Yay!! I can’t belie– wait, what are you doing?? Oh ma lawd he just popped his own bubble to drown himself…