I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 6 Match: The Right Wing vs. Xavier's Annihilation Squad.
I look into the locker room of The Right Wing and see the following members: Silver Surfer, Hulk, Zeus, Mr. Freeze, Flash, John Stewart, Blackfire, Storm, Duncan Idaho Ghola #6, Green Goblin, Jedi Knights #16-25, Elite Stormtroopers #1-12, T-Rexes #16-20, Athena, Ulysses S. Grant, Captain Panaka, Batwoman, Army Soldiers #131-154, Agents #1 and 2, Jedi Padawans #2-6, Jack Shepherd, Goliath, Wicked Witch of the West, Slimer, Mike Huckabee, Gold Dragons #10-12, Donkey Kong Jr., Quinlon Vos with Jedi Padawan #38, Warpath, Helen of Troy, Red Sonja, The Pantheon: Agamemnon, Achilles, Ajax, Andromeda, Atlanta, Cassiopeia, Delphi, Hector, Jason, Paris, Prometheus, Ulysses I and Ulysses II, Gondor Soldiers #1-3, Darth Malak, Shintor Beerus with Jedi Padawan #39, Eros, Red Tornado, Captain Mifune, Black Panther, Baby Storm, Skaar Son of Hulk, Elephants #1-7, Titanium Man, Bulkhead, Pegasus, Korg, Ninjas #1-15, Moss Man, Drucilla, Martin Blank, Bookworm, Doc Samson, Rupert Giles, Xander Harris, Miss Martian and Atticus Finch.
Atticus Finch: We will go into battle, my friends. We will have the law on our side, go into battle and be victorious!
Captain Mifune: If it's our time to die, it's our time. All I ask is, if we have to give these bastards our lives, we give 'em hell before we do!
Rupert Giles: A little dramatic Captain, but an admirable attempt to stir the troops.
I look into the locker room of Xavier’s Annihilation Squad and see the following members: Gladiator, The Leprechaun, Randy Couture, Darth Bane, Apocalypse, Mary Embry, Ursa, The Eradicator, Geo-Force, The White Witch, The Blob, Mighty Joe Young, Gorilla Grodd, T-X, The Terrorcons, The Aerialbots, Darth Voltress and Darth Ocron, Metroplex, Colonel John Matrix, Black Tom Cassidy, Vigo the Carpathian, Bane, Bonecrusher (movie), Barricade (movie), Brainstorm and Arcana, Silver Samurai, Samurai #21-40, Ancient Sith Lords 1-7 and 15, Sith Lord #8, Rick O'Connell, Eve O'Connell, Feral, Beowolf, Kevin (from Sin City), Shredder, Walker Texas Ranger, Shadowcat and Lockheed, Jet Jaguar, Weapon Omega, Nemesis Enforcer, Zorro, Mordor Horse #1, Minotaurs #1-10, Wookie Soldiers #1-30, Dilophosauruses #1-6, Sailor Moon, Shinobi and Yamato, Reverse Flash and Bonk.
Walker stands up and the entire locker room looks upon the Texas Ranger.
Walker: Walker, Texas Ranger, is ready for battle!
I transport the teams to the grassland battlefield.
Zorro jumps on Mordor Horse #1 and rides into battle. He is met by Gondor Soldiers #1-3 on Elephants #1-3. Mordor Horse #1 manages to escape the stomping of Elephant #1, but is shoveled and impaled with the tusks of Elephant #2. While Mordor Horse #1 goes down, Zorro does an acrobatic flip on Elephant #2. He stabs Gondor Soldier #2 and kills him. Dilophosauruses #1-6 rush onto the scene and split into two groups. Dilophosauruses #1-3 attack Gondor Soldier #3 and Elephant #3. The dinosaurs jump on Elephant #3 and begin to tear apart both Gondor Soldier #3 and his Elephant. Dilophosauruses #4-6 spit blinding poison into Elephant #1 and Gondor Soldier #1’s faces. They both go down and the dinosaurs finish them off, greedily feasting on their flesh. Zorro, meanwhile rides Elephant #2 at his Wookie Soldier teammates ahead. Zorro does a flip off the back of Elephant #2 who is fired upon and killed by the Wookies. T-Rexes #16-20 see Dilophosauruses #1-6 eating on the battlefield. The T-Rexes charge the Dilophosauruses. Dilophosauruses #3 and 6 are easily killed by the ferocity of the dinosaurs. The remaining Dilophosauruses stick together and manage to kill T-Rex #17 with their combined offensive stance. Gold Dragons #10-12 fly upon the scene and with their cones of fire, finish off Dilophosauruses #1-2, 4-5. Wookie Soldiers #1-30 turn their attention to another section of the grasslands and see Elephants #4-7. The Wookies shout their battle cries and rush at the Elephants. All of the Wookies unload their bowcasters and cannons at Elephants #4-7 and kill them.
Wicked Witch of the West is flying on her broom when she sees Mighty Joe Young. She thinks of her own winged monkeys and determines that she will attempt to make the mighty ape her greatest creation. The Witch flies next to the animal and begins to cast a spell which will make him her minion. When the spell is nearly cast, Storm comes upon the scene, and with her weather manipulation ability, focuses a rainstorm on the Wicked Witch of the West, which melts her. Donkey Kong, Jr. retaliates by attacking Mighty Joe Young. The battle of the monkeys begins. Although Mighty Joe is far larger than Kong, Jr., Kong Jr.’s fine motor skills are far superior to the great ape. Kong, Jr. takes the Witch’s broom to fly around. He repeatedly strikes Mighty Joe, who is now becoming tired and dazed. Before Kong can finish Mighty Joe, he is swarmed upon by Minotaurs #1-10 and killed.
Jedi Knights #16-25 and Jedi Padawans #2-6 meet Ancient Sith Lords #1-7 and 15 and Sith Lord #8. The battle is equally matched as the light side and dark side forces face off against one another. Jedi Padawans #2-6 manage to combine forces to destroy Ancient Sith Lord #15. Ancient Sith Lords #1-4 then slash through Jedi Padawans #2-6. Jedi Knights #16-25 face off against Sith Lord #8, as well as the Ancient Sith Lords #1-7. Although the light side manages to kill Sith Lord #8 and Ancient Sith Lords #3-5, all Jedi Knights #16-25 eventually fall to the blinding power of the Sith. With Ancient Sith Lords #1-2 and 6-7 standing, the Pantheon charges the scene. The Pantheon’s combined skills and weaponry of Agamemnon, Achilles, Ajax, Andromeda, Atlanta, Cassiopeia, Delphi, Hector, Jason, Paris, Prometheus, Ulysses I and Ulysses II are too much for the remaining Sith. Although Paris, Ulysses I and Andromeda fall in the battle, the remaining Pantheon members kill Ancient Sith Lords #1-2 and 6-7.
Kevin from Sin City stalks Atticus Finch. The mute serial killer sneaks up from behind and stabs Finch, severing his spinal cord. Finch is mortally wounded and dying. Kevin smiles at the thought of the famous lawyer’s head mounted as a trophy. Rupert Giles and Xander Harris mount an attack on Kevin. Kevin’s use of martial arts manages to incapacitate Harris, who then takes a knife across his throat. Giles is then being pummeled by Kevin. Red Sonja comes to the scene and through the use of her sword mastery bests Kevin. Red Sonja then picks up an injured, but still alive Giles. Pegasus swoops in and Giles rides the winged steed away from the fray. The Silver Samurai then comes over and uses his sword in a vicious fight against Sonja. Although Sonja has the brute strength, the mastery of Silver Samurai is too much as Sonja screams and meets her maker as Silver Samurai cuts her head off. Ninjas #1-15 acrobatically come to the battle and take on Silver Samurai. Samurai #21-40 back their leader up. The combined abilities of the fifteen Ninjas manage to kill Silver Samurai and Samurai #29-37. Nonetheless, the remaining Samurai who have lost their brethren, with honor, destroy all Ninjas #1-15. Elite Stormtroopers #1-12 rally and kill remaining Samurai #21-28, 38-40, although also losing Elite Stormtroopers #3-7.
Rick O’Connell and Eve O’Connell meet Slimer. Slimer manages to slime Eve O’Connell who suffocates in the muck which encased her. Rick O’Connell, furious at his wife’s demise, attacks Slimer. Slimer is about to slime Rick when Bonk and the Leprechaun join their teammate. The combined forces of the supernatural Leprechaun and the strong caveboy’s “bonking” skills destroys Slimer. Captain Mifune in his armored personnel unit blasts and destroys both the Leprechaun and Bonk. Mifune and Rick O’Connell rush to the battle.
Pegasus and Giles are flying overhead when they are met by the Aerialbots: Silverbolt in Concorde mode, Skydive in F-16 Fighting Falcon mode, Fireflight in F-4 Phantom II mode, Slingshot in AV-8B Harrier II mode and Air Raid in F-15 Eagle mode. The watcher and winged horse are no match for the combined weaponry and tactical skills of the Transformers; thus, Pegasus and Giles are basically disintegrated in the sky, with feathers and body parts falling to the ground. The Aerialbots are then met with Storm, Baby Storm, Silver Surfer, and Bulkhead. Baby Storm is shredded by Skydive’s weapons. Silver Surfer uses his cosmic powers to destroy Silverbolt. Bulkhead takes out Air Raid. Storm then uses her powers to force Fireflight, Skydive and Slingshot down on the grasslands below. Before they can transform to their robot modes they are met by Skaar, Doc Samson and Hulk. Skaar destroys Fireflight. Doc Samson destroys Skydive. Hulk destroys Slingshot. Storm flies away to her other teammates.
The battle in the sky continues as John Stewart, Silver Surfer, Bulkhead, Gold Dragons #10-12, Zeus, Green Goblin and Miss Martian take on Mary Embry, Eradicator, Geo-Force, Ursa, Brainstorm and Arcana. Green Goblin is flying on his glider and repeatedly throws his goblin bombs at Geo-Force. Geo-Force manages to dodge most of the bombs, but while focused on the Goblin, is met by all three Gold Dragons. The Gold Dragons #10-12 hit Geo-Force at the same time with their flames and Geo-Force goes down. Brainstorm and Arcana take on Bulkhead and manage to destroy their Transformer enemy. Silver Surfer then uses his cosmic powers against Brainstorm and Arcana. They are incinerated at the force of the blast. Embry and Ursa manage to break the necks and incapacitate all Gold Dragons #10-12, who mortally wounded, plummet to the ground. Embry manages to fly behind the Green Goblin and kill him. She uses the goblin bombs from his bag to repeatedly pummel John Stewart. Stewart uses his lantern ring to strike Embry. As Embry attempts to gain her senses, she is immediately struck by Zeus’s forces as he manipulates the skies. With Embry at somewhat of a loss, Miss Martian comes upon her and kills her. The Eradicator then kills Stewart when he has the chance. Ursa and Eradicator face Silver Surfer who unleashes a blast that sends Ursa and Eradicator to the ground. They are pounced upon by Miss Martian, Skaar, Hulk and Doc Samson. The punishment is too much and Ursa and Eradicator both die.
Shinobi and Yamato meet Martin Blank. Blank manages to shoot and kill Yamato, but Shinobi is too quick with his martial arts’ moves and kills Blank. Warpath storms upon the scene and kills Shinobi. Flash and Reverse Flash are equally matched and are fighting one another to a near standstill until Mr. Freeze uses his ray to make Reverse Flash slip. As Reverse Flash slips, Moss Man controls the grassland’s plant life and captures Reverse Flash. The plants strangle the life out of Reverse Flash. Mighty Joe Young and Gorilla Grodd come upon the scene and their combined ape powers tear apart Moss Man. The apes are then met with T-Rexes #16, 18-20. Mighty Joe Young kills T-Rex #16, but is unable to subdue all Rexes at the same time and dies as he is pounced upon by T-Rexes #17-20. Gorilla Grodd is about to be killed when his furry teammates, Wookie Soldiers #1-20 rush to the scene. Their combined firepower manage to kill the remaining T-Rexes #17-20. Elite Stormtroopers #1-2, 8-12 come on the scene and fire upon the Wookies. The Elite troopers manage to kill Wookie Soldiers #1-16, while all the remaining Stormtroopers fall dead. Army Soldiers #131-154, due to their sheer numbers alone, manage to riddle the Wookie Soldiers’ bodies with bullets and kill them off, but suffer the casualties of Army Soldiers #131-140. Army Soldiers #141-154 then take on T-X, Colonel John Matrix and Beowulf. The remaining Army Soldiers die, but take out Colonel John Matrix at the same time.
Black Tom Cassidy finds rotten wood amongst the grasslands’ ground. He sees Bookworm and smashes the villain over the head and then uses a concussive blast to blow him away. Shredder, Feral and Randy Couture join their teammate in battle. They are facing Ulysses S. Grant, Agents #1 and 2, Mike Huckabee and Duncan Idaho Ghola #6. Shredder and Feral unleash their ferocity against Ulysses S. Grant and Agents #1 and 2; they do not last long against the claws of their opponents. Randy Couture takes on Mike Huckabee and easily kills the politician. Couture then takes on Duncan Idaho Ghola and through his mixed martial arts’ mastery, manages to hurt the Ghola. Black Tom Cassidy uses a concussive burst to destroy the Ghola. Successful, the Squad’s quad look for other combatants to defeat. Blackfire, Helen of Troy and Black Panther meet the quad. Blackfire uses her solar powered energy projection ability to throw Black Tom Cassidy across the field. Black Panther then pounces on Cassidy and kills him with his strength. Helen of Troy manages to take Couture off guard due to her beauty and Blackfire easily kills the smitten male. Feral pounces on Helen and slices her up. Shredder and Feral then face Blackfire and Black Panther. Blackfire allows Black Panther to dispatch of the two.
Across the way, Darth Bane, the White Witch, Darth Voltress, Darth Ocron, and Vigo the Carpathian meet Goliath, Quinlon Vos with Jedi Padawan #38, Warpath, the remaining Pantheon members: Agamemnon, Achilles, Ajax, Andromeda, Atlanta, Delphi, Hector, Jason, Prometheus, and Ulysses II, Darth Malak, and Shintor Beerus with Jedi Padawan #39. Darth Bane and Darth Malak are in a pitched lightsaber battle. The two Sith strike at each other repeatedly, neither giving way to the other. Darth Voltress and Darth Ocron come into the lightsaber fray, knowing that Malak alone will be no match for the trio of force wielders. Malak is about to be struck down when Quinlon Vos with Jedi Padawan #38 and Shintor Beerus with Jedi Padawan #39 enter the fray. The Sith Lords have enough time to continue their fight and dispatch Jedi Padawan #38 and Jedi Padawan #39. Only the strong survive. The combined fighting skills of Malak, Vos and Beerus take on Bane, Ocron and Voltress. After the battle, the only ones standing are Vos and Malak. Beerus, Bane, Ocron and Voltress are all dead. The supernatural and magical abilities of Vigo the Carpathian and the White Witch easily dispatch Warpath. Vos and Malak, with the assistance of the remaining Pantheon members and Goliath take on and destroy Vigo and the White Witch. Nonetheless the supernatural beings, before their death, manage to take out Achilles, Ajax, Atlanta, Hector and Ulysses II.
It is the final stand between the two teams.
For the Right Wing are Silver Surfer, Hulk, Zeus, Mr. Freeze, Flash, John Stewart, Blackfire, Storm, Athena, Captain Panaka, Batwoman, Jack Shephard, Goliath, Quinlon Vos, The Pantheon: Agamemnon, Andromeda, Delphi, Hector, Jason, Prometheus, Darth Malak, Eros, Red Tornado, Captain Mifune, Black Panther, Skaar Son of Hulk, Titanium Man, Korg, Drusilla, Doc Samson, and Miss Martian.
For Xavier’s Annihilation Squad are Gladiator, Apocalypse, The Blob, Gorilla Grodd, T-X, The Terrorcons, Metroplex, Bane, Bonecrusher (movie), Barricade (movie), Rick O'Connell, Beowolf, Walker Texas Ranger, Shadowcat and Lockheed, Jet Jaguar, Weapon Omega, Nemesis Enforcer, Zorro, Minotaurs #1-10, and Sailor Moon.
Minotaurs #1-10 charge the Right Wing. Batwoman uses her utility belt weaponry to kill Minotaurs #1 and 7. Captain Panaka manages to shoot and kill Minotaur # 2. Minotaur #3 and #5 then overpower the Nabooian guardsman and maul him with their horns. Titanium Man uses his concussive blasts and armor to defeat Minotaurs #3-5. Athena uses her hunting and godlike skills to kill Minotaurs # 8-10. Captain Mifune destroys Minotaur #6 with his armor.
Drucilla: My precious little Walker (she says as she focuses on Walker, Texas Ranger).
Walker: I am Walker, Texas Ranger. My keen skills and mind shall repel you vampire harpie!
Drucilla manages to lure Walker to her. She nibbles on his neck. Walker laughs.
Walker: Walker, Texas Ranger, loves when a woman takes charge.
Drucilla bites into Walker and drains his blood. As she is sucking the remaining blood from her victim, she is stabbed in the back by Zorro. She explodes into a dust cloud.
The five Terrorcons combine to form Abominus. Captain Mifune faces the giant Transformer and repeatedly fires upon the monstrous figure. Abominus crushes Mifune in his personalized weapon armor. Abominus also manages to mortally wound and/or kill Batwoman, Black Panther, Jason and Prometheus. Jack Shephard runs amongst the mortally wounded seeing if he can save any of them. As he sits over Black Panther he hears someone scream: “I am Beowulf.” That is the last Shephard hears as Beowulf lops his head off. The Right Wing determine to focus on separate pieces of Abominus, knowing that they will have to transform into their robot forms to save themselves. John Stewart focuses on Blot. Before he is able to use his ring powers though, he is struck down by Weapon Omega. Quinlon Vos and Darth Malak then combine their force powers and rip Weapon Omega out of the sky and manage to each slice him dead. As the Right Wing begins to focus their attack on Abominus, Bonecrusher and Barricade come to their robot brethren’s aid. Mr. Freeze manages to hit Blot with his freeze ray. Titanium Man then finishes the job with his blasts. Blot is destroyed and Abominus transforms into its various components: Hunn-Grrr (two headed dragon), Cutthroat (pterodactyl like beast), Rippersnapper (land shark) and Sinnertwin (Orthrus type monster). The four transformers manage to take out Storm and Doc Samson. Meanwhile, Miss Martian and Zeus destroy Barricade. Skaar and Hulk take on and destroy Bonecrusher. Hunn-Grr and Cutthroat are taken out by Silver Surfer and Blackfire.
What is left of the Pantheon: Agamemnon, Andromeda, Delphi, Hector focus on the easier prey. Their combined Pantheon powers and weapons are too much for Shadowcat and Lockheed, Jet Jaguar, Nemesis Enforcer and Sailor Moon. In response Metroplex wipes the entire Pantheon out. Korg tries to take on the Blob and is unable to defeat him; he loses his life for the attempt. Quinlon Vos takes on the T-X. Although repeatedly blocked at first, its relentless robotic will does away with the Vos. Darth Malak, in turn, destroys the T-X.
Gladiator and Bane take on Flash. The speedster runs circles around the duo that cannot catch him. He repeatedly beats on the two who eventually fall to the ground. Goliath finishes the two by driving them in the earth with his feet. Metroplex unleashes its weapons and kills Goliath. Apocalypse dispatches with Eros.
Silver Surfer and Blackfire use their combined forces to rip through The Blob, Gorilla Grodd, Rick O'Connell and Beowolf. Apocalypse kills Mr. Freeze and Flash with his powers. Metroplex manages to destroy Darth Malak who cannot deflect all the salvos and the remaining Terrorcons rip apart and destroy Red Tornado and Titanium Man. At the same time, the only Terrorcons remaining are Rippersnaper and Sinnertwin. Hulk, Skaar and Miss Martian manage to take out the remaining two Terrorcons. The combined forces of the Right Wing destroy Xavier’s remaining team of Apocalypse and Metroplex.
Xavier’s Annihilation Squad: All dead.
The Right Wing: Silver Surfer, Hulk, Zeus, Blackfire, Athena, Skaar Son of Hulk, and Miss Martian alive.
THE RIGHT WING IS VICTORIOUS!!!
Friday, April 10, 2009
The First Annual Easter Classic!
The First Annual Easter Classic is an exhibition match between The Horseman of Apokolips and "Pop Superstar" Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both World's" Touring Battalion of Commando's. It is designed to bring awareness and charity to those heroes still without a proper home. A guest watcher by the name of "The Goofjuice", has been brought on to "Observe" this match. We very much look forward to hearing back from him on what he has witnessed.
The victor of this match will receive $500,000 to give to a charity of their choice. Naturally, both "The Horseman" and the "Commando's" have already given $50,000 each to the Heroes Without Homes fund and are both donating their time and energy in eradicating this ever growing problem.
We hope that you enjoy this match and continue to give your support in this ever worsening problem.
With warmest regards,
Angelina Jolie
Director of Humanitarian Relief
The Easter Classic!
As the watcher assigned to the Easter Classic will be busy all weekend; the classic is being posted a few days early.
“Pop Superstar” Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos are:
Leon “The Professional”, Jack Crow, Rick Deckard, V, Willow Rosenberg, Venus and Serena Williams, Dora the Explorer w/ Backpack, Boots, & Map, Professor Henry Jones Sr., Chow Yun Fat, John Adams on Horseback, Thomas Jefferson on Horseback, Sir Winston Churchill on Horseback, Ahmed Best on Horseback, Hannah Montana, Mrs. Doubtfire, Dozer #1
The Horsemen of Apokolips are:
Josh, Larry, Chris, Julie, Blurr, Dazzler, Kiss, Baraka, Tommy the Green Ranger, Lion-O, Solomon Grundy, Harley Quinn
About an hour before dawn, the Commandos arrive by Chinook Helicopter at Cabo Sur on the south western tip of Rapa Nui more commonly known as Easter Island.
“This place is huge Leon,” Said Dora the Explorer “Will you help me explore… mi cuerpo?”
Leon has just started to realize Dora’s behavior has become increasingly less appropriate as the weeks go by and begins to wonder if he should learn Spanish to ward off her advances. She kept trying to teach him, but he had a feeling her idea of “essential phrases” were less than appropriate for every day conversation.
He was starting to regret agreeing to train her to become an assassin… and he missed his plant... the plant was so much less trouble.
Just when he is about to ask her what she meant earlier by “prohibido pasión amor” Willow pushed past them.
“If you’re not too busy slutting it up in front of her, could you figure out where we landed on this island Leon?” she said.
Leon, confused, agreed to go scouting. Giving Willow the chance to talk to Dora alone. “Finally! I never thought that bug eyed freakshow would leave… You know… you’re pretty hot for a toddler. Now, how about you teach me some of those latin phrases Dora?” Thankfully for Dora Willows advances were interrupted by the rest of the team finally catching up to them.
“The Cavalry” has mounted their horses and joined the group. Much to their dismay, Ahmed Best has decided to wear armor made from pots and pans, and he has outfitted his horse’s hooves with trash can lids. He is alternately using a broom to make cool rhythmic swishing noises and banging on his armor...
“I thought he was annoying when he talked, but this is insane” said Professor Henry Jones Sr. who is mostly just pissed that he didn’t get a horse to ride. “Look at this place, it’s beautiful, not a tree in sight, perfect for horseback riding… but apparently I’m not worthy of being mounted… err wait, I mean… never mind… Venus, Serena, No I was not hinting at anything, get your freakish man hands away from me!”
Sir Winston Churchill has taken a moment during everyone’s amazement at Ahmed’s ridiculousness to light up a cigar and begin a headcount. “V, could you be a sport and ensure everyone has had their shots?” he said.
“Verily!” said the verbose V. “Gather Round! While you may find me vociferous and altogether too violent, I must vehemently insist that I verify your venereal vaccinations upon our arrival to this verdant landscape. Would any volunteers like to assist me in this most virtuous assignment?”
“There’s no time for this nonsense” Hannah Montana stepped in to say, “I’ve gotten word back from Leon and we need to head north-northeast, there’s a large mountain the locals call Cerro Terevaka, it’s 507 meters high and should give us a line of sight on the opposition.”
“Line of sight? Jones just said this place doesn’t even have any Trees!” said Dozer #1 “Even I can see like 500 yards in every direction!”
“Ever been crushed to death by a cowboy boot Dozer?” said Hannah, clearly not in the mood for any back talk. “Let’s go.”
The Commandos then began heading north, Mrs. Doubtfire passed the time by endlessly chattering on and doing stupid voices every time the group walked by one of the Moai stone heads littered across the island…
Everyone except Chow Yun Fat was annoyed by her and considering leaving her behind. But he simply observed, wondering what hidden secrets Mrs. Doubtfire was saving for the thick of combat. To his trained eye, her confidence in such a barren environment indicated clearly her ability to defend herself.
Eventually the crew caught up to Leon and looked down the mountain to witness the arrival of the horsemen. Using the complex spy equipment that Dozer #1 has constructed for them out of complex sugars they were able to see and hear everything. During this, Jack Crow sneaks off to infiltrate the enemy camp.
Just after dawn the Horsemen arrived via giant hovercraft on the north eastern tip of the island in a place called Cabo O’Higgins.
Larry immediately refused to compete in the battle saying “If I win, everyone will make fun of me for being a nerd, and knowing that Jack Crow’s weakness is kryptonite, and if I lose everyone will make fun of me for being dead! You guys go on ahead and play your silly game.” Larry took a seat, his back resting against a Giant stone head. “This thing looks like Lurch from the Munsters!”
“Dude… Superman is weak against kryptonite… and Lurch is from the Adams Family… Where are we headed now?” Said Josh, amazed that someone could get those things wrong but trying to not make a big deal out of it.
Just when the fight was about to begin over who is in charge; Kiss, followed by Dazzler, walked by (well, rolled by in dazzlers case, somehow she found skates that work on all terrain types.)
“Let’s head to the top of this mountain, and get the lay of the land.” Gene said.
“I think we should just send one person out to scout first doesn’t everyone think that’s a better idea?” Dazzler asked.
“You’re a Hard Luck Woman Dazzler, Now shut up and Let Me Go Rock N Roll.” Responded Gene.
“Ace? Peter? Paul? You guys gonna say something?” asked Dazzler, pressing the group to Override Gene’s rash decision.
“We Are One.” The three men said in unison.
“Ugh… you guys are so gay.” responded Dazzler before finally giving in and following the group up the mountain.
They quickly reached the top of the mountain and noticed that it was, in fact, an active volcano.
“Volcan Puakatike” said Lion-O. “I’ve been here before… Mumm-Ra had disguised himself as this sexy little Lynx and we… ahem… I mean um… I saw the name using The Mystical Sword of Omens!.. yeah… the sword told me what the name of the Volcano is…. Shouldn’t we get down from here? God it’s hot…”
In an awkward silence the group headed down the face of the volcano towards a clearing. No one talked except for Tommy the Green Ranger, who was prodding Lion-O for details. "What it was like to be with a Man….err a Mummy Man… erm mummy… yeah, a mummy what was that like… just you know, cuz a mummy is weird right? Not because I’m curious about him or anything…"
Chris at this point was laughing hysterically at Tommy while Julie, fighting back giggles, was trying to stop Chris’ uproarious laughter.
Then, the group started to feel a slight rumbling as they descended the last few feet of the volcano and Kiss began preparations to set up a make-shift amphitheater.
The rumble had set Blurr on edge but his sensors detected nothing, he reported the lack of activity to Baraka and told him to inform the group that the tremors are probably harmless earthquakes. Baraka had lost interest in the fight because there hadn’t been any actual fighting yet and it’d been hours… he passed on the message and started to antagonize a roadie that looked particularly high strung.
Solomon Grundy was busy wondering if he should be afraid of fire, and then realized he wasn’t Frankenstein's Monster, so no, he shouldn’t.
Harley Quinn seemed lost without “her mister Jay” as she put it… and had spent most of the morning wondering how much fun it'd be if she rocked the roller skates like dazzler. Maybe if the skates had rockets on them or she used a giant jokerface umbrella to catch wind currents and be dragged along they’d be more fun…
Back at Cerro Terevaka The Commandos had Seen the amphitheater go up, and decided to head towards the construction. They were sure that this new structure must have something to do with the upcoming battle. Leon was still getting creeped out by Dora, and Dora was now getting creeped out by Willow, so Hannah decided they should get moving as quick as possible after one more look through Dozers amazing spying equipment.
Suddenly, during sound check at the amphitheater; Jack Crow (who had disguised himself as a kiss roadie) managed to knock over a Moai head and it punched a hole in the base of the volcano large enough for even the largest team member Blurr to enter. Jack seemed to have discovered a secret cave under the Volcano filled with Carvings and small statues depicting various scenes of battle. He also discovered a river of lava, unfortunately he had accomplished this second task by falling into it.
“What the hell is this place, you… you don’t think there are cave squirrels or something down there do you?” worried Julie.
“Wowzers! The Roadie discovered some kind of secret Cave!” Harley squealed, excited that something was finally happening.
“He also seems to have discovered that he isn’t “lava proof”; that dude is Dead”… said Chris, who noticed Jacks hand bursting into flames and slipping under the surface of the lava.
The team minus Dazzler and Kiss who are sound checking and practicing the pyrotechnic timing up above, explored the cave and notice a lot of entrance and exit tunnels that must run the entire length of the island.
They decided to get back topside because the rumbling had become louder and more frequent and they didn’t want to be underground if the place decided to cave-in.
In the shuffle to leave they don’t hear the sounds of bone scraping on stone that appeared to be coming from the caves many entrances and exists.
While the Horsemen were mourning the loss of the roadie, whose name nobody seemed to remember, the Commandos were having other problems.
Their members were disappearing one by one.
At first, Leon, and Dora, and Willow all went missing. Hannah kept the group together and attempted to keep everyone moving. But soon, she was gone as well.
Henry Jones Sr. had analyzed the area where Hannah was seen last and determined that these people have not merely disappeared, they were being taken. He followed drag marks to a pile of stones and noticed that there was air coming from between the cracks in the stone. He motioned to Rick Deckard for help in a moment of strange familiarity that they both promptly dismiss.
“There must be some kind of cave behind here causing this airflow.” Said Deckard. “Help me move these rocks!” Once the rocks had been removed, it became obvious that the rocks were covering up the entrance to a long tunnel.
Thomas Jefferson speaks up “There’s no way the horses are going to fit down there… we know where the enemy is setting up, why don’t those of us who are mounted take positions to their flank and wait for the rest of you to mount your offensive. Maybe these caves lead to that Hole that giant head made when Jack knocked it over. You could surprise them from the rear, and we will rush in from the side overwhelming them and claiming victory!”
The rest of the Commando Cavalry agreed to this flanking maneuver, and they moved to take up position at Punta Cuidado about a mile south of the amphitheater.
The rest of the commandos filed into the tunnel, noting the carvings along the way.
“Ooooh Dearie!” Exclaimed Mrs. Doubtfire “I’ve seen this before! I think I can make some of it out. It says here that one of us will save the island from certain doom… but at great cost… it also says… oh my…”
The others pressed Doubtfire for the rest of the translations but she shrugged them off and said it wasn’t important. They continued reluctantly through the caves, as the rumblings grew louder.
Deep within the caves the clash of bone on rock had grown to a rhythmic thunder. The Tangata Manu had consulted with his ivi-attuas prophet and had discovered that the time was finally upon them. Their Bird Cult had finally reached the point in its history where it could stop hiding and become the savior of the world as foretold in their carvings. The prophets began listening to the island and heard the tales of the great painted ones to the north who were crafting a grand stage to pay tribute to the volcano. On the winds they also heard the tale of the great one who will save the world from the wrath of the island’s active volcano. The Cultists then spread out amongst their tunnels, sacrificial bone knives in hand, to collect the pawns of fate so they may play out their roles in the prophecy.
Meanwhile, a volcanic eruption ripped through the island, causing chaos and confusion. One of the giant heads fell and crushed Larry who had drifted off to sleep propped up against it.
“Think of it as Extra Pyro!” Gene shouted at the team as they launched into their first set. Dazzler’s powers began to amplify. She tested them by firing beams of light into the air, punching holes into the canopy of the Amphitheater. “Easy kid!” yelled Gene “We’re just looking for a light show! Those things are Hotter than Hell, you’re liable to set Heaven on Fire doing it that way!”
“Sorry!” said Dazzler “I was trying to send the beams Into the Void but I missed!”
Underneath the stage the chanting had begun in time to the music. The Bird Cult was holding Dozer #1 tied to a stick above their heads and dancing jubilantly. The other kidnapped teammates were sitting silently watching. His teammates then caught up to him in the tunnel and were preparing to strike when Dozer made them stop.
“WAIT!” shouted Dozer, “I have seen the prophecy! I’m supposed to do this! It’ll save you all and stop the eruptions!”
Everyone stood around confused while the bird men continued to chant and dance, banging their bone implements against the walls of the volcano. The formerly kidnapped teammates explained everything to the group. The prophecy, the carvings, all of it. Reluctantly they all stood down, allowing the bird cultists to continue their odd ritual.
By now the Horsemen had heard Dozer #1’s shouts and realized that the enemy was below them. They flooded into the cave below. Blurr, Lion-O, and Tommy stayed up top to guard the stage from attack. Tommy, however, was lured off by the mannish Williams sisters. He didn’t understand why he was so attracted to them, but he ignored his feelings of confusion and went with them behind a batch of Stone heads.
Lion-O used his Sight Beyond Sight to see what was happening to Tommy. He instantly realized this was a mistake as he witnessed Tommy’s death due to severe cranial and pelvic trauma at the hands of the Williams Sisters. Lion-O couldn’t cope with the horror (either from the violence, or the naked sisters… we’re not sure) and vaulted up to the top of the volcano to throw himself in.
What was seen, could not be unseen, and suicide was clearly his only option. Solomon Grundy attempted to stop him and was almost drug into the mouth of the volcano with him. The last thing the team recalled hearing from Lion-O was “Thundercats HOOOOOooooh god I can still see it when I close my eyes!!!”
Mrs. Doubtfire seized the moments of confusion to begin the combat in the cave. Distressed about Dozer’s impending sacrifice she produced an armament of Oranges which she then began to hurl at the Horsemen.
Chris saved his teammates from the Fruit-Fu attack and consumed all 15 thrown oranges, peel and all. He then staggered off to the stage fearing a reversal of fortune was impending. Julie rushed out to help him.
V then squared off against Baraka, the two circled each other blades in hand… (or.. attached to arms in Baraka’s case), V, viciously cut Baraka to ribbons after vaulting over his head during Baraka’s patented Blade Shredder attack which left his back vulnerable until the flurry of blades stopped. V then headed up to the stage to attempt to launch an attack against whoever he could find.
The Bird Cultists were confused by all of this and grabbed Mrs. Doubtfire to take her to the very top of the volcano alongside Dozer #1. Solomon Grundy stood and watched as he had no intention of pissing off the crazy bird cult. Especially not when the bird cult seemed to be making his work easier for him.
Suddenly Chow Yun Fat rushed to rescue Doubtfire from the cultists. The cultists held Chow at bay for only a few moments before Grundy walked up behind him and tore off both of his arms proceeding to beat him to death with them. Interruptions taken care of, the cultists resumed the sacrifice of “The Great Builder God” and “The Great Unfunny one” as foretold in their Prophecy.
The Cultists said prayers to their builder god and hurled curses at the great unfunny one, throwing the two Commandos into the volcano to their doom.
The rumbling stopped almost immediately. The only sound remaining was the odd silence of Kiss as they waited for the non-existent audience to sing “and party every day.”
They quickly realized that they had become the center of attention and launched into Love Gun, fueling Dazzlers Powers further.
Nearby, Blurr had heard a noise from the south, a great clattering of pots and pans and garbage can lids. He was then very aware of the Commando Cavalry heading his way.
“Flanking Maneuver… more like Clanking Maneuver… Jackass… Why didn’t they give ME the horse?!” grumbled Henry Jones Sr. as the horsemen clattered up to Blurr attempting to lance him down with broom handles that Ahmed had provided to the group.
Blur easily crushed Jefferson, Churchill, and John Adams, He then picked up Ahmed and his clanking horse and punted the mess of splintered bones and crumpled metal into the mouth of the volcano.
Blurr began scanning the landscape for a new target when his circuits were suddenly doused in what can only be described as a torrent of orange peels and bile filled orange juice. The strange fluids were being Projectile Vomited “Ella style” from the once limitless confines of Chris’ stomach. Blurr’s circuits began sparking and smoking, his sensors became unreliable, and he was unable tell which of the seven Rick Deckards on his display was the one that finally retired him.
Chris, still vomiting profusely, stumbled into Julie who lost her balance and reached out to steady herself. She fell to the ground with a hand full of blond hair.
Hannah Montana was PISSED. Now everyone knew her secret, and this woman who caused it must die. She pounced on Julie, knocking Chris into an errant blast from Dazzler, the neatly sliced hole in the base of his skull killing him instantly. The women scratched and clawed viciously at each other until Julie pushed Hanna’s face into another laser like beam of light emitted by Dazzlers Kiss fueled power.
“Uuuh guys, I don’t think my light beams are supposed to be this strong” said Dazzler.
Her cries fell on deaf ears as Love Gun was coming to its close and Gene Simmons drew his “love gun” from a holster. It was a strangely phallic revolver chambered in .454 Casull that he aimed squarely at Leon the Professional.
Leon took the bullet directly to the forehead and fell in a crumpled heap. Dora’s rage could be heard across the entire island as she went into a frenzy. Willow tried to console her but was slammed by a giant accordion boxing glove wielded by Harley Quinn and slumped at the base of the stage.
Gene saw the threat immediately and was drawing a bead on Dora when Dazzler reached sonic overload and exploded. The resulting concussive blast threw gene half way up the mountain and vaporized the rest of the band. The light show produced by this explosion instantly converted the bird cultists into becoming members of the Kiss Army and they all began painting their faces and sticking their tongues out as far as they could.
The blast also vaporized Willow, Harley Quinn, the Williams sisters, Josh, V, and Julie Artrip who were still far too close to the stage to avoid it.
Gene regained consciousness and realized Rick Deckard was standing over him. Rick was clearly about to gun him down. Before that could happen Gene managed to retrieve his Axe Guitar and cut Deckard neatly in two with it.
Dora’s Rage had driven her insane. She threw Boots, Map, and Backpack violently away, all three landing in hissing pools of lava. She then began to charge at Gene.
Professor Henry Jones Sr. was still too busy cracking up at Ahmed Best being punted to notice that he was between the crazed child and the Demon. In her frenzied charge she clipped his leg sending him pin-wheeling into the smoldering remains of the amphitheater where he was crushed by falling debris.
Solomon Grundy then stepped up to protect Mr. Simmons, but was unable to do so, as Dora used the skills she learned from her lost love Leon to remove Grundy’s lower intestine with her bare hands and wrap it around his neck strangling him to death without breaking stride.
In the final act of this gruesome battle Gene and Dora squared off on the side of the Volcano, she kicked Gene Simmons directly in his Family Jewels, his screams echoed across the island. She then took his Axe Guitar from the ground in front of him and with a sickening snap, all was silent.
Only when the paint covered head rolled to a stop, it’s freakishly long tongue lolling out into the dirt did Dora realize the battle was over. Exhausted and saddened, her throat raw from screaming, she began the long, lonely journey back to the helicopter to go home.
“Pop Superstar” Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos ARE VICTORIOUS.
“Pop Superstar” Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos are:
Leon “The Professional”, Jack Crow, Rick Deckard, V, Willow Rosenberg, Venus and Serena Williams, Dora the Explorer w/ Backpack, Boots, & Map, Professor Henry Jones Sr., Chow Yun Fat, John Adams on Horseback, Thomas Jefferson on Horseback, Sir Winston Churchill on Horseback, Ahmed Best on Horseback, Hannah Montana, Mrs. Doubtfire, Dozer #1
The Horsemen of Apokolips are:
Josh, Larry, Chris, Julie, Blurr, Dazzler, Kiss, Baraka, Tommy the Green Ranger, Lion-O, Solomon Grundy, Harley Quinn
About an hour before dawn, the Commandos arrive by Chinook Helicopter at Cabo Sur on the south western tip of Rapa Nui more commonly known as Easter Island.
“This place is huge Leon,” Said Dora the Explorer “Will you help me explore… mi cuerpo?”
Leon has just started to realize Dora’s behavior has become increasingly less appropriate as the weeks go by and begins to wonder if he should learn Spanish to ward off her advances. She kept trying to teach him, but he had a feeling her idea of “essential phrases” were less than appropriate for every day conversation.
He was starting to regret agreeing to train her to become an assassin… and he missed his plant... the plant was so much less trouble.
Just when he is about to ask her what she meant earlier by “prohibido pasión amor” Willow pushed past them.
“If you’re not too busy slutting it up in front of her, could you figure out where we landed on this island Leon?” she said.
Leon, confused, agreed to go scouting. Giving Willow the chance to talk to Dora alone. “Finally! I never thought that bug eyed freakshow would leave… You know… you’re pretty hot for a toddler. Now, how about you teach me some of those latin phrases Dora?” Thankfully for Dora Willows advances were interrupted by the rest of the team finally catching up to them.
“The Cavalry” has mounted their horses and joined the group. Much to their dismay, Ahmed Best has decided to wear armor made from pots and pans, and he has outfitted his horse’s hooves with trash can lids. He is alternately using a broom to make cool rhythmic swishing noises and banging on his armor...
“I thought he was annoying when he talked, but this is insane” said Professor Henry Jones Sr. who is mostly just pissed that he didn’t get a horse to ride. “Look at this place, it’s beautiful, not a tree in sight, perfect for horseback riding… but apparently I’m not worthy of being mounted… err wait, I mean… never mind… Venus, Serena, No I was not hinting at anything, get your freakish man hands away from me!”
Sir Winston Churchill has taken a moment during everyone’s amazement at Ahmed’s ridiculousness to light up a cigar and begin a headcount. “V, could you be a sport and ensure everyone has had their shots?” he said.
“Verily!” said the verbose V. “Gather Round! While you may find me vociferous and altogether too violent, I must vehemently insist that I verify your venereal vaccinations upon our arrival to this verdant landscape. Would any volunteers like to assist me in this most virtuous assignment?”
“There’s no time for this nonsense” Hannah Montana stepped in to say, “I’ve gotten word back from Leon and we need to head north-northeast, there’s a large mountain the locals call Cerro Terevaka, it’s 507 meters high and should give us a line of sight on the opposition.”
“Line of sight? Jones just said this place doesn’t even have any Trees!” said Dozer #1 “Even I can see like 500 yards in every direction!”
“Ever been crushed to death by a cowboy boot Dozer?” said Hannah, clearly not in the mood for any back talk. “Let’s go.”
The Commandos then began heading north, Mrs. Doubtfire passed the time by endlessly chattering on and doing stupid voices every time the group walked by one of the Moai stone heads littered across the island…
Everyone except Chow Yun Fat was annoyed by her and considering leaving her behind. But he simply observed, wondering what hidden secrets Mrs. Doubtfire was saving for the thick of combat. To his trained eye, her confidence in such a barren environment indicated clearly her ability to defend herself.
Eventually the crew caught up to Leon and looked down the mountain to witness the arrival of the horsemen. Using the complex spy equipment that Dozer #1 has constructed for them out of complex sugars they were able to see and hear everything. During this, Jack Crow sneaks off to infiltrate the enemy camp.
Just after dawn the Horsemen arrived via giant hovercraft on the north eastern tip of the island in a place called Cabo O’Higgins.
Larry immediately refused to compete in the battle saying “If I win, everyone will make fun of me for being a nerd, and knowing that Jack Crow’s weakness is kryptonite, and if I lose everyone will make fun of me for being dead! You guys go on ahead and play your silly game.” Larry took a seat, his back resting against a Giant stone head. “This thing looks like Lurch from the Munsters!”
“Dude… Superman is weak against kryptonite… and Lurch is from the Adams Family… Where are we headed now?” Said Josh, amazed that someone could get those things wrong but trying to not make a big deal out of it.
Just when the fight was about to begin over who is in charge; Kiss, followed by Dazzler, walked by (well, rolled by in dazzlers case, somehow she found skates that work on all terrain types.)
“Let’s head to the top of this mountain, and get the lay of the land.” Gene said.
“I think we should just send one person out to scout first doesn’t everyone think that’s a better idea?” Dazzler asked.
“You’re a Hard Luck Woman Dazzler, Now shut up and Let Me Go Rock N Roll.” Responded Gene.
“Ace? Peter? Paul? You guys gonna say something?” asked Dazzler, pressing the group to Override Gene’s rash decision.
“We Are One.” The three men said in unison.
“Ugh… you guys are so gay.” responded Dazzler before finally giving in and following the group up the mountain.
They quickly reached the top of the mountain and noticed that it was, in fact, an active volcano.
“Volcan Puakatike” said Lion-O. “I’ve been here before… Mumm-Ra had disguised himself as this sexy little Lynx and we… ahem… I mean um… I saw the name using The Mystical Sword of Omens!.. yeah… the sword told me what the name of the Volcano is…. Shouldn’t we get down from here? God it’s hot…”
In an awkward silence the group headed down the face of the volcano towards a clearing. No one talked except for Tommy the Green Ranger, who was prodding Lion-O for details. "What it was like to be with a Man….err a Mummy Man… erm mummy… yeah, a mummy what was that like… just you know, cuz a mummy is weird right? Not because I’m curious about him or anything…"
Chris at this point was laughing hysterically at Tommy while Julie, fighting back giggles, was trying to stop Chris’ uproarious laughter.
Then, the group started to feel a slight rumbling as they descended the last few feet of the volcano and Kiss began preparations to set up a make-shift amphitheater.
The rumble had set Blurr on edge but his sensors detected nothing, he reported the lack of activity to Baraka and told him to inform the group that the tremors are probably harmless earthquakes. Baraka had lost interest in the fight because there hadn’t been any actual fighting yet and it’d been hours… he passed on the message and started to antagonize a roadie that looked particularly high strung.
Solomon Grundy was busy wondering if he should be afraid of fire, and then realized he wasn’t Frankenstein's Monster, so no, he shouldn’t.
Harley Quinn seemed lost without “her mister Jay” as she put it… and had spent most of the morning wondering how much fun it'd be if she rocked the roller skates like dazzler. Maybe if the skates had rockets on them or she used a giant jokerface umbrella to catch wind currents and be dragged along they’d be more fun…
Back at Cerro Terevaka The Commandos had Seen the amphitheater go up, and decided to head towards the construction. They were sure that this new structure must have something to do with the upcoming battle. Leon was still getting creeped out by Dora, and Dora was now getting creeped out by Willow, so Hannah decided they should get moving as quick as possible after one more look through Dozers amazing spying equipment.
Suddenly, during sound check at the amphitheater; Jack Crow (who had disguised himself as a kiss roadie) managed to knock over a Moai head and it punched a hole in the base of the volcano large enough for even the largest team member Blurr to enter. Jack seemed to have discovered a secret cave under the Volcano filled with Carvings and small statues depicting various scenes of battle. He also discovered a river of lava, unfortunately he had accomplished this second task by falling into it.
“What the hell is this place, you… you don’t think there are cave squirrels or something down there do you?” worried Julie.
“Wowzers! The Roadie discovered some kind of secret Cave!” Harley squealed, excited that something was finally happening.
“He also seems to have discovered that he isn’t “lava proof”; that dude is Dead”… said Chris, who noticed Jacks hand bursting into flames and slipping under the surface of the lava.
The team minus Dazzler and Kiss who are sound checking and practicing the pyrotechnic timing up above, explored the cave and notice a lot of entrance and exit tunnels that must run the entire length of the island.
They decided to get back topside because the rumbling had become louder and more frequent and they didn’t want to be underground if the place decided to cave-in.
In the shuffle to leave they don’t hear the sounds of bone scraping on stone that appeared to be coming from the caves many entrances and exists.
While the Horsemen were mourning the loss of the roadie, whose name nobody seemed to remember, the Commandos were having other problems.
Their members were disappearing one by one.
At first, Leon, and Dora, and Willow all went missing. Hannah kept the group together and attempted to keep everyone moving. But soon, she was gone as well.
Henry Jones Sr. had analyzed the area where Hannah was seen last and determined that these people have not merely disappeared, they were being taken. He followed drag marks to a pile of stones and noticed that there was air coming from between the cracks in the stone. He motioned to Rick Deckard for help in a moment of strange familiarity that they both promptly dismiss.
“There must be some kind of cave behind here causing this airflow.” Said Deckard. “Help me move these rocks!” Once the rocks had been removed, it became obvious that the rocks were covering up the entrance to a long tunnel.
Thomas Jefferson speaks up “There’s no way the horses are going to fit down there… we know where the enemy is setting up, why don’t those of us who are mounted take positions to their flank and wait for the rest of you to mount your offensive. Maybe these caves lead to that Hole that giant head made when Jack knocked it over. You could surprise them from the rear, and we will rush in from the side overwhelming them and claiming victory!”
The rest of the Commando Cavalry agreed to this flanking maneuver, and they moved to take up position at Punta Cuidado about a mile south of the amphitheater.
The rest of the commandos filed into the tunnel, noting the carvings along the way.
“Ooooh Dearie!” Exclaimed Mrs. Doubtfire “I’ve seen this before! I think I can make some of it out. It says here that one of us will save the island from certain doom… but at great cost… it also says… oh my…”
The others pressed Doubtfire for the rest of the translations but she shrugged them off and said it wasn’t important. They continued reluctantly through the caves, as the rumblings grew louder.
Deep within the caves the clash of bone on rock had grown to a rhythmic thunder. The Tangata Manu had consulted with his ivi-attuas prophet and had discovered that the time was finally upon them. Their Bird Cult had finally reached the point in its history where it could stop hiding and become the savior of the world as foretold in their carvings. The prophets began listening to the island and heard the tales of the great painted ones to the north who were crafting a grand stage to pay tribute to the volcano. On the winds they also heard the tale of the great one who will save the world from the wrath of the island’s active volcano. The Cultists then spread out amongst their tunnels, sacrificial bone knives in hand, to collect the pawns of fate so they may play out their roles in the prophecy.
Meanwhile, a volcanic eruption ripped through the island, causing chaos and confusion. One of the giant heads fell and crushed Larry who had drifted off to sleep propped up against it.
“Think of it as Extra Pyro!” Gene shouted at the team as they launched into their first set. Dazzler’s powers began to amplify. She tested them by firing beams of light into the air, punching holes into the canopy of the Amphitheater. “Easy kid!” yelled Gene “We’re just looking for a light show! Those things are Hotter than Hell, you’re liable to set Heaven on Fire doing it that way!”
“Sorry!” said Dazzler “I was trying to send the beams Into the Void but I missed!”
Underneath the stage the chanting had begun in time to the music. The Bird Cult was holding Dozer #1 tied to a stick above their heads and dancing jubilantly. The other kidnapped teammates were sitting silently watching. His teammates then caught up to him in the tunnel and were preparing to strike when Dozer made them stop.
“WAIT!” shouted Dozer, “I have seen the prophecy! I’m supposed to do this! It’ll save you all and stop the eruptions!”
Everyone stood around confused while the bird men continued to chant and dance, banging their bone implements against the walls of the volcano. The formerly kidnapped teammates explained everything to the group. The prophecy, the carvings, all of it. Reluctantly they all stood down, allowing the bird cultists to continue their odd ritual.
By now the Horsemen had heard Dozer #1’s shouts and realized that the enemy was below them. They flooded into the cave below. Blurr, Lion-O, and Tommy stayed up top to guard the stage from attack. Tommy, however, was lured off by the mannish Williams sisters. He didn’t understand why he was so attracted to them, but he ignored his feelings of confusion and went with them behind a batch of Stone heads.
Lion-O used his Sight Beyond Sight to see what was happening to Tommy. He instantly realized this was a mistake as he witnessed Tommy’s death due to severe cranial and pelvic trauma at the hands of the Williams Sisters. Lion-O couldn’t cope with the horror (either from the violence, or the naked sisters… we’re not sure) and vaulted up to the top of the volcano to throw himself in.
What was seen, could not be unseen, and suicide was clearly his only option. Solomon Grundy attempted to stop him and was almost drug into the mouth of the volcano with him. The last thing the team recalled hearing from Lion-O was “Thundercats HOOOOOooooh god I can still see it when I close my eyes!!!”
Mrs. Doubtfire seized the moments of confusion to begin the combat in the cave. Distressed about Dozer’s impending sacrifice she produced an armament of Oranges which she then began to hurl at the Horsemen.
Chris saved his teammates from the Fruit-Fu attack and consumed all 15 thrown oranges, peel and all. He then staggered off to the stage fearing a reversal of fortune was impending. Julie rushed out to help him.
V then squared off against Baraka, the two circled each other blades in hand… (or.. attached to arms in Baraka’s case), V, viciously cut Baraka to ribbons after vaulting over his head during Baraka’s patented Blade Shredder attack which left his back vulnerable until the flurry of blades stopped. V then headed up to the stage to attempt to launch an attack against whoever he could find.
The Bird Cultists were confused by all of this and grabbed Mrs. Doubtfire to take her to the very top of the volcano alongside Dozer #1. Solomon Grundy stood and watched as he had no intention of pissing off the crazy bird cult. Especially not when the bird cult seemed to be making his work easier for him.
Suddenly Chow Yun Fat rushed to rescue Doubtfire from the cultists. The cultists held Chow at bay for only a few moments before Grundy walked up behind him and tore off both of his arms proceeding to beat him to death with them. Interruptions taken care of, the cultists resumed the sacrifice of “The Great Builder God” and “The Great Unfunny one” as foretold in their Prophecy.
The Cultists said prayers to their builder god and hurled curses at the great unfunny one, throwing the two Commandos into the volcano to their doom.
The rumbling stopped almost immediately. The only sound remaining was the odd silence of Kiss as they waited for the non-existent audience to sing “and party every day.”
They quickly realized that they had become the center of attention and launched into Love Gun, fueling Dazzlers Powers further.
Nearby, Blurr had heard a noise from the south, a great clattering of pots and pans and garbage can lids. He was then very aware of the Commando Cavalry heading his way.
“Flanking Maneuver… more like Clanking Maneuver… Jackass… Why didn’t they give ME the horse?!” grumbled Henry Jones Sr. as the horsemen clattered up to Blurr attempting to lance him down with broom handles that Ahmed had provided to the group.
Blur easily crushed Jefferson, Churchill, and John Adams, He then picked up Ahmed and his clanking horse and punted the mess of splintered bones and crumpled metal into the mouth of the volcano.
Blurr began scanning the landscape for a new target when his circuits were suddenly doused in what can only be described as a torrent of orange peels and bile filled orange juice. The strange fluids were being Projectile Vomited “Ella style” from the once limitless confines of Chris’ stomach. Blurr’s circuits began sparking and smoking, his sensors became unreliable, and he was unable tell which of the seven Rick Deckards on his display was the one that finally retired him.
Chris, still vomiting profusely, stumbled into Julie who lost her balance and reached out to steady herself. She fell to the ground with a hand full of blond hair.
Hannah Montana was PISSED. Now everyone knew her secret, and this woman who caused it must die. She pounced on Julie, knocking Chris into an errant blast from Dazzler, the neatly sliced hole in the base of his skull killing him instantly. The women scratched and clawed viciously at each other until Julie pushed Hanna’s face into another laser like beam of light emitted by Dazzlers Kiss fueled power.
“Uuuh guys, I don’t think my light beams are supposed to be this strong” said Dazzler.
Her cries fell on deaf ears as Love Gun was coming to its close and Gene Simmons drew his “love gun” from a holster. It was a strangely phallic revolver chambered in .454 Casull that he aimed squarely at Leon the Professional.
Leon took the bullet directly to the forehead and fell in a crumpled heap. Dora’s rage could be heard across the entire island as she went into a frenzy. Willow tried to console her but was slammed by a giant accordion boxing glove wielded by Harley Quinn and slumped at the base of the stage.
Gene saw the threat immediately and was drawing a bead on Dora when Dazzler reached sonic overload and exploded. The resulting concussive blast threw gene half way up the mountain and vaporized the rest of the band. The light show produced by this explosion instantly converted the bird cultists into becoming members of the Kiss Army and they all began painting their faces and sticking their tongues out as far as they could.
The blast also vaporized Willow, Harley Quinn, the Williams sisters, Josh, V, and Julie Artrip who were still far too close to the stage to avoid it.
Gene regained consciousness and realized Rick Deckard was standing over him. Rick was clearly about to gun him down. Before that could happen Gene managed to retrieve his Axe Guitar and cut Deckard neatly in two with it.
Dora’s Rage had driven her insane. She threw Boots, Map, and Backpack violently away, all three landing in hissing pools of lava. She then began to charge at Gene.
Professor Henry Jones Sr. was still too busy cracking up at Ahmed Best being punted to notice that he was between the crazed child and the Demon. In her frenzied charge she clipped his leg sending him pin-wheeling into the smoldering remains of the amphitheater where he was crushed by falling debris.
Solomon Grundy then stepped up to protect Mr. Simmons, but was unable to do so, as Dora used the skills she learned from her lost love Leon to remove Grundy’s lower intestine with her bare hands and wrap it around his neck strangling him to death without breaking stride.
In the final act of this gruesome battle Gene and Dora squared off on the side of the Volcano, she kicked Gene Simmons directly in his Family Jewels, his screams echoed across the island. She then took his Axe Guitar from the ground in front of him and with a sickening snap, all was silent.
Only when the paint covered head rolled to a stop, it’s freakishly long tongue lolling out into the dirt did Dora realize the battle was over. Exhausted and saddened, her throat raw from screaming, she began the long, lonely journey back to the helicopter to go home.
“Pop Superstar” Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos ARE VICTORIOUS.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Better Than All of You vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve
I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 6 Match: Better Than All of You vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve.
I look into the locker room and see a ton of people. Amongst the crowd for Better Than All of You is: Thanos, Green Lantern, Mephisto, Agent Smith, Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, The Terminator (from T-1), The Terminator (from T-2), Skeletor, Rambo, Ghost Rider (Danny Ketch), The 4 Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard, Lex Luthor, Beachhead, The Twins: Tomax and Xamot, Gandalf the White, Grey Hulk, Abomination, Flash, Black Suit Spiderman, Batman (Jean Paul Valley), Batman Beyond, Yogurt, Lonestar and Barf, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Nick Fury, Baron Zemo, Ghost Rider (Jonny Blaze), Deathlok, Red Skull, Tombstone, Wolfsbane, Terry Funk, Reptile, Bishop, Sagat, David Dunn, Smoke, Mr. Mind, Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner, & Sleazy P. Martini, Loki & Bartleby, Triple H, Jedi Guardians #1 and 2, Cobra Commander, RVD & Sabu, The Hart Foundation: Brett "The Hitman" Hart and Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, The British Bulldogs: Davey Boy Smith & The Dynamite Kid, The Blues Bros., Doc Holiday, Hulk Hogan, Macho Man Randy Savage, Megadeth, Dozer #6, Orcs #1-12, Ninja Pirates #3 and 4, Predators #1, and 3-13, Terminators #1-13, Army Soldiers #1-8, & N.S.-5s #1-12.
Lex Luthor: It is time that we show the Kennelz that they are but meager dogs!
Red Skull: Dogs that are not worthy of licking our boots! We are the superior race!
Cobra Commander (high pitched): Yessssss!
I then look into the locker room at Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve. The Kennelz are Ares, Mace Windu with Jedi Padawan #30, Galactus and Nova, Apollo, Hercules, Anakin Skywalker in an F-18, Ahsoka Tano, Green Lanterns #1-2 and 4-5, Jade, The Inhumans: Black Bolt, Medusa, Gorgon, Triton, Karnak, Crystal, and Lockjaw, Dark Jedi Masters #31-39, The Pound: Michael Vick, Brandon Inge, Jack Bauer on a Ducatti, Curtis Manning, Justin "The Golden Boy" Oblak and Dexter the Dog (part pit-bull), Gimli son of Gloin, Scorpnonok with Lord Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Borath, (Beast Wars) Megatron, Lord Voldemort, Barbarossa, Ajax, Hrmm, Twisted Mentat #1, Annihilus, Dr. Doomsday, The Matrix Twins, Peter Petrelli, Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES, Young Jedi Knights #1-10, Quills, Big Barda, Fin Fang Foom, The Predacons: Rampage, Headstrong, Divebomb, Tantrum, & Razorclaw, Sky Lynx, Nazgul #2 w/ Fell Beast, Blue Dragons #1-12, and Samurai #1-12.
Mace Windu: This will not be an easy battle - but it is a battle that we can win!
Jack Bauer: Our only objective is to win! Nothing else! Remember, the ends justify the means!
I teleport the teams to the battlefield.
Due to the sheer numbers of combatants, the Better Than Team decides to separate into battalions. The Kennelz, seeing the Better Than Team forming battalions, decides to form squads in response. They face off as follows:
Squad 1 against Battalion 3:
Squad 1:
Mace Windu leads Jedi Padawan #30, Young Jedi Knights #1-10, Ahsoka Tano, Jade, Samurai #1-12, Gimli son of Gloin, and Anakin Skywalker overhead in an F-18.
Battalion 3:
Nick Fury leads Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, Army Soldiers #1-8, Rambo, The British Bulldogs: Davey Boy Smith and The Dynamite Kid, Lonestar and Barf, Ninja Pirates #3-4, N.S.5’s #1-12, Batman (Jean Paul Valley) and Beachhead.
Nick Fury and Mace Windu lead their teammates into battle. Anakin Skywalker flies his F-18 over the combatants. He lays down a sheet of fire with his plane’s Gatling gun. The bullets kill Army Soldiers #3-7. Ninja Pirates #3 and 4 finishes the job by severing the various appendages of Army Soldiers #1-2 and #8. The Ninja Pirates then rush at the Samurai #1-12, feeling confident that their skills will equally match their opponents. The battle is furious. Although Ninja Pirates #3 and #4 slice and dice through Samurai #1-4, remaining Samurai #5-12 kill Ninja Pirates #3 and 4. The N.S.5’s step into the fray. They combine their robotic forces to kill Samurai #5-7. Samurai #8-12 destroy N.S.5’s #3-6. The remaining robots finish off Samurai #8-12. Gimli of Gloin steps in and with his battle axe destroys N.S.5’s #1-2. Young Jedi Knights #1-10 wield their light sabers and slice through the remaining N.S.5’s #7-12. With advanced military weaponry and enhanced combat skills, Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow and Rambo manage to kill all Young Jedi Knights #1-10. The British Bulldogs see Gimli. The wrestlers utilize their aristocratic prowess to “dwarf toss” Gimli into the blades of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. Gimli is sliced into three small pieces. Jade takes revenge of her fallen comrades and strikes down both British Bulldogs: Davey Boy Smith and the Dynamite Kid. Batman (Jean Paul Valley) with his advanced weaponry and acrobatics dispatches Jade. Mace Windu, Jedi Padawan #30 and Ahsoka Tano storm the Battalion 3 team. With lightsabers swinging, the Jedi easily deflect the firepower of Nick Fury, Rambo and Beachhead. Once upon the masculine soldiers, the Jedi either decapitate or mortally wound all three. Nick Fury, Rambo and Beachhead die. Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow attack the Jedi Padawan at the same time, believing he will be the most viable kill. They are correct. Although a mere Padawan, he manages to hold his own against the two warriors, but eventually succumbs to their overpowering fury. With Jedi Padawan #30 dead, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes focus on Ahsoka Tano. Seeing his own Padawan in trouble, Skywalker fires two heat seeking torpedoes into the duo. Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes explode into G.I.Joe/Cobra bits. Mace Windu, as leader of his Squad, takes charge and finishes off Valley.
Lonestar (ignites his saber): I like the way you use that thing Windu! Let’s see how well. . .
Windu slices through Lonestar before he has time to finish his sentence.
Windu: Do you have anything to say?
Barf: Not really.
Windu: Didn’t think so. [Windu slices Barf in half].
Squad 2 against Battalion 4.
Squad 2:
Galactus leads Nova and the Inhumans: Black Bolt, Medusa, Gorgon, Triton, Karnak, Crystal and Lockjaw, and Green Lanterns #1-2, 4-5.
Battalion 4:
Lex Luthor leads Thanos, Flash, Batman Beyond, Black Suit Spiderman, Deathlok, Reptile, The Terminator (T2), Wolfsbane, Bishop, Megadeth, The Twins: Tomax and Xamot, and Mr. Mind.
Green Lanterns #1-2, 4-5 combine their ring powers and smash The Terminator (T2).
Green Lantern #2: Don’t think you’ll be back from that!
Thanos uses his powers that manipulate energy and matter to kill Green Lanterns #1-2. Before Green Lanterns #4-5 can retaliate, Deathlok fires his weapon and kills Lantern #4. Black Suit Spiderman manages to shoot his webs and snags Lantern #5 by his left foot. Spiderman then brings him down on the ground, stunning the Lantern #5. Before the Lantern can cut the webs, Wolfsbane jumps him and tears him apart. The Cobra Crimson Guard Commanders Tomax and Xamot are met by Karnak. Karnak uses his ability to sense the weak point of Xamot, and with his martial arts’ skills, kills Xamot by striking him repeatedly next to his heart. Lockjaw comes upon the scene and the Inhuman dog crushes Tomax in his jaws. Thanos flies up to the Inhuman martial artist and dog and kills them. Thus, Karnak and Lockjaw are no more. Flash runs into the fray. Gorgon stomps the ground and creates a shockwave which knocks Flash down. Medusa uses her prehensile hair to capture the speedster and then strangle Flash to death. Batman Beyond is in a hand-to-hand combat match with Triton. After the two savage each other, they pull out their “toys.” Before Batman can use his utility belt, Triton skewers him.
Triton: Always wanted to make a Bat-Kabob.
Black Bolt opens his mouth and uses his destructive hypersonic voice to shred Thanos. Bishop then uses his futuristic weaponry and fires upon Crystal. Wolfsbane enters the fight and begins tearing at Crystal’s body. Crystal, although mortally wounded, manages to use her manipulation skills of air and smashes Bishop and Wolfsbane together with such force it kills the two combatants. Crystal then dies. Black Bolt, Gorgon and Triton combine forces and destroy Black Suit Spiderman and Deathlok. Reptile uses his Kombat powers to skewer Triton, just as Triton did to his teammate before. Mr. Mind uses his hypnotic powers of mind manipulation to have Black Bolt kill Medusa. Furious, Gorgon squishes Mr. Mind underneath his large feet.
Luthor and Megadeth are left standing. As Galactus and Nova begin to come for the death blow Megadeth begins to sing:
I am a sniper, Always hit the mark; Paid assassin,Working after dark.
Looking through the night, Using infra-red, My target’s on you; Aimed at your head. $10.000 up front, $10.000 when I'm through; And I know just what to do, And ya know I'll do it too.
Then I'm coming back for you; Back for you!
Galactus: You will come back for no one!
Nova uses her galactic powers to kill all members of Megadeth.
Galactus looks at Luthor and in an instant Luthor is destroyed.
Squad 3 against Battalion 1.
Squad 3:
Lord Voldemort leads Blue Dragons #1-12, Dark Jedi Masters #31-39, Fin Fang Foom, The Matrix Twins, and Quills.
Battalion 1:
Gandalf the White leads Mephisto, Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Orcs #1-12. Abomination, Ghost Rider (Danny Ketch), Grey Hulk, Jedi Guardians #1 and 2, Yogurt, Green Lantern, Doc Holiday, and Dozer #6.
Gandalf: You shall not pass!
Voldemort: I do not intend to pass. I intend to destroy you!
Voldemort and Gandalf are in the middle of a pitched battle of spells while the other combatants fight. Quills uses his quill projectiles to cut down Dozer #6. Dark Jedi Masters #31-39 easily dispatch with Jedi Guardians #1 and 2. Blue Dragons #1-12 use their lightning breaths to ignite the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Marshmallow Man’s skin sizzles and he eventually catches fire and explodes. The Marshmallow Man’s goopy body parts splatter over Orcs #1-12. The goop essentially traps the Tolkien warriors, who are unable to significantly move. The Dark Jedi Masters #31-39 use this to their advantage and cut through the Orcs #1-12 (although Dark Jedi Master #32 is a casualty of the fracas). Grey Hulk and Abomination combine their superior strengths and take on the Blue Dragons. The Marvel monsters manage to destroy Dragons #3-7. Meanwhile, Ghost Rider uses his demonic chain to strangle Blue Dragon #1 and Green Lantern uses his ring to destroy Blue Dragons #2 and #8. Grey Hulk and Abomination then destroy the remaining Blue Dragons #9-12. Unfortunately, Abomination dies from his wounds.
Doc Holiday: What’s going on Huckleberry?
Quills: Your death.
Before Quills is able to shoot his quills at the Western warrior, Doc Holiday guns him down like the vermin he is. The Matrix Twins use their powers to surround and kill Holiday.
Mephisto uses his magic manipulation ability and joins Gandalf in his fight to destroy Voldemort. The combined power of the two magic wielders is too much and Gandalf and Mephisto destroy Voldemort.
Fin Fang Foom screeches on the scene and destroys Yogurt and Ghost Rider, without much adieu. The remaining Battalion members: Grey Hulk, Green Lantern and Mephisto, Gandalf then destroy Fin Fang Foom. The Dark Jedi Masters #31 and 33-39 storm the Battalion, filled with rage and revenge. Although the Masters manage to kill Grey Hulk and Green Lantern, they are eventually all killed with only Gandalf and Mephisto remaining from the skirmish.
Squad 4 against Battalion 5.
Squad 4:
Dr. Doomsday leads Barbarossa, Ajax, Hrrm, Twisted Mentat #1, Annihilus, Nazgul #2 with Fell Beast, Big Barda, Ares, Apollo and Hercules.
Battalion 5:
Cobra Commander leads Agent Smith, Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner and Sleazy P. Martini, The Terminator (T1), and Ninja Pirates #3 and 4.
Dr. Doomsday: Commander. Surrender now and I promise that your deaths will be merciful. If you even attempt to fight . . .
Cobra Commander: Stop right there Dr. Doomsday! Don’t think we’re that stupid to lay down our arms! Fight we shall – onward to victory! And Doctor - time for your team’s medication – Better Than style!
The two teams run at each other. Barbarossa, Ajax, Hrrm and Twisted Mentat #1 take on Gwar. Flattus Maximus, Beefcake the Mighty and Oderus Urungus manage to destroy Mentat #1, with all of their combined “Gwarian” abilities. Barbarossa, Hrrm and Ajax, easily dispatch with Jizmack da Gusha and Slymenstra Hymen. Big Barda joins the fray and with Barbarossa, Hrrm and Ajax, manage to destroy Gwarmates: The Sexecutioner, Sleazy P. Martini, and Balsac the Jaws of Death. Oderus Urungus and Beefcake the Mighty take on Hrrm and manage to overpower the brute and eventually kill him. Annihilus uses his cosmic control rod and disintegrates Oderus Urungus and Beefcake the Mighty. Agent Smith warps reality and destroys Barbarossa. Ares, Apollo and Hercules then come on the scene and use their combined powers to pummel Agent Smith to death.
Nazgul #2 with Fell Beast swoops down on the combatants and destroys Ninja Pirate #3. Ninja Pirates #4 reacts to the death of his friend and, with perfect timing, jumps on the back of the Fell Beast. Although he knows that it will kill him too, he is willing to sacrifice himself for his comrades. The Pirate repeatedly stabs the Fell Beast. The Fell Beast, in its death throws, plummets to the grasslands below, killing itself, Nazgul #2 and the Ninja Pirates # 4.
Dr. Doomsday sees the Terminator and brutalizes the robot into pieces. Cobra Commander is the only battalion-mate left standing.
Dr. Doomsday: So much for my medicine!
Cobra: I will see you another day my doctor friend!
Dr. Doomsday: First, I’m no Doctor. Second, no you won’t.
Doomsday crushes Cobra Commander’s skull and throws his body in a heap amongst the others.
Squad 5 against Battalion 2.
Squad 5:
Megatron (Beast Wars) leads Scorponok with Lord Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath, The Predacons: Rampage, Headstrong, Divebomb, Tantrum, and Razorclaw, and Sky Lynx.
Battalion 2:
Red Skull and Skeletor lead Baron Zemo, Tombstone, The Hart Foundation: Brett "The Hitman" Hart & Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, Ghost Rider (Johnny Blaze), Smoke, Predators #1, 3-13, Loki and Bartleby.
The Predacons immediately attack the Predators. The Predacons manage to destroy Predators #1 and 3-5. Before Predator 3 dies, he uses his nuclear device to destroy Rampage, Tantrum and Headstrong. Scorponok with Lord Zarak easily rip apart The Hart Foundation: Brett "The Hitman" Hart & Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, with its claws. The remaining Predacons attack the Predators once again and kill them all. Mindwipe and Vorath hypnotize Baron Zemo and Tombstone to act as carefree flower children and free spirits. They two come into the path of the remaining Predacons Divebomb and Razorclaw.
Zemo: Hey man, what do you say?
Tombstone: Peace and love guys. Peace and love.
Divebomb and Razorclaw rip apart the hypnotized combatants. Ghost Rider (Johnny Blaze) manages to destroy Divebomb, but is then taken out by Sky Lynx. Smoke attempts to use his powers on Sky Lynx and is struck down by Skeletor’s sword. Loki and Bartleby use their angelic powers to destroy Razorclaw. Sky Lynx uses his Transformer weaponry to shred Loki and Bartleby’s wings apart. Megatron uses this to his advantage and destroys the seraphs.
Red Skull and Skeletor are left, knowing their deaths are imminent. They rush at the Squad and are riddled and shredded apart by the weaponry of Megatron, Scorponok and Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath and Sky Lynx.
Squad 6 against Battalion 6.
Squad 6:
Jack Bauer (on a Ducati) leads Curtis Manning, Peter Petrelli, The Pound: Michael Vick, Brandon Inge, Justin "The Golden Boy" Oblak and Dexter the Dog (part pit-bull), Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES.
Battalion 6:
Hulk Hogan leads Macho Man Randy Savage, Terry Funk, The 4 Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard, The Blues Brothers, Triple H, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Terminators #1-13, David Dunn, RVD and Sabu, and Sagat.
Hulk Hogan leads his wrestling teammates into battle. Hulk Hogan is joined by the Macho Man Randy Savage, Terry Funk and The 4 Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard against The Pound: Michael Vick, Brandon Inge, Justin "The Golden Boy" Oblak and Dexter the Dog (part pit-bull). Michael Vick (having pumped himself up while in jail) manages to snap the neck of Arn Anderson. Ole Anderson and Rick Flair, infuriated at the death of Arn, attack Vick at the same time. Between Ric Flair’s atomic drop and Ole Anderson’s chokeslam, Vick goes down for the count – forever. Brandon Inge, although a scrappy “Tiger” with heart, is no match for the skills of Terry Funk. Funk uses a spinning bulldog to finish Inge. Dexter the Dog rushes at Tully Blanchard and tears apart Blanchard’s groin with its teeth. Blanchard bleeds out and dies. Seeing that the dog is in a frenzy, Triple H, Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock come to the aid of their teammates. After they surround the dog, it is only a matter of minutes before they subdue Dexter and break its neck.
Macho Man (sees Oblak waiting for his turn to face the wrestlers): Come on! [Oblak rushes at Macho Man]. Oh yeah!!!! [Macho Man easily stops Oblak]. Snack into a slim jim, b@$ch! [Macho Man uses a Michinoko driver to finish Oblak].
Bauer, on his Ducati, skids his bike through the wrestlers, while firing his guns at the same time. The force of the bike striking the men manages to crush Ole Anderson. Curtis Manning, right behind Bauer, begins repeatedly unloading his guns into the wrestlers. Bauer and Manning kill Terry Funk, Ric Flair and Triple H. Peter Petrelli, invisible (using the leeched abilities of previous “heroes”) sneaks up from behind and kills Macho Man. Petrelli then uses another ability to “push” Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold and The Rock to fight and subsequently kill their own teammates, David Dunn, RVD and Sabu. While distracted, Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES kill Hogan, Austin and The Rock. While focusing on the “pushees”, Petrelli does not notice Sagat come from behind. Sagat snaps Petrelli’s neck. Bauer and Manning then unload their weapons on Sagat and kill him.
A fevered battle takes place between Terminators #1-13 and Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES. Uncle Sam is extremely powerful due to his Squad’s patriotism and manages to destroy Terminators #1-3 by himself. Citizen Steel manages to destroy Terminators #4 and 5, but is eventually subdued and killed by Terminator #9. The Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES take out Terminators #10-12, but are also eventually killed by the Terminators. Uncle Sam then kills the remaining Terminators #6-9.
The Blues Brothers see all of the carnage and decide to run. Bauer and Manning stop them.
Bauer: Where are your other teammates?
Elwood Blues: What are you talking about man?
Bauer: You know exactly what I’m talking about! Where is the meeting point for your team?!?
Elwood: I don’t know.
Bauer (signals Curtis Manning who shoots Jake in the head): Last chance!
Elwood: Die you pig scum!
Bauer shoots Elwood: Take us to the others (says to Uncle Sam who flies Bauer and Manning away).
Those left from the carnage arrive at the final battle site:
Better Than: Gandalf and Mephisto
Kennelz: Mace Windu Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker overhead in an F-18, Galactus, Nova, Black Bolt, Gorgon, Dr. Doomsday, Ajax, Annihilus, Big Barda, Ares, Apollo and Hercules, Megatron (Beast Wars), Scorponok with Lord Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath, Sky Lynx, Jack Bauer, Curtis Manning and Uncle Sam.
The fight lasts only seconds as the superior force devastates the remaining Better Than duo.
MICHAEL VICK’S BAD NEWZ KENNELZ OF LURVE IS VICTORIOUS!!!!!
I look into the locker room and see a ton of people. Amongst the crowd for Better Than All of You is: Thanos, Green Lantern, Mephisto, Agent Smith, Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, The Terminator (from T-1), The Terminator (from T-2), Skeletor, Rambo, Ghost Rider (Danny Ketch), The 4 Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard, Lex Luthor, Beachhead, The Twins: Tomax and Xamot, Gandalf the White, Grey Hulk, Abomination, Flash, Black Suit Spiderman, Batman (Jean Paul Valley), Batman Beyond, Yogurt, Lonestar and Barf, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Nick Fury, Baron Zemo, Ghost Rider (Jonny Blaze), Deathlok, Red Skull, Tombstone, Wolfsbane, Terry Funk, Reptile, Bishop, Sagat, David Dunn, Smoke, Mr. Mind, Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner, & Sleazy P. Martini, Loki & Bartleby, Triple H, Jedi Guardians #1 and 2, Cobra Commander, RVD & Sabu, The Hart Foundation: Brett "The Hitman" Hart and Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, The British Bulldogs: Davey Boy Smith & The Dynamite Kid, The Blues Bros., Doc Holiday, Hulk Hogan, Macho Man Randy Savage, Megadeth, Dozer #6, Orcs #1-12, Ninja Pirates #3 and 4, Predators #1, and 3-13, Terminators #1-13, Army Soldiers #1-8, & N.S.-5s #1-12.
Lex Luthor: It is time that we show the Kennelz that they are but meager dogs!
Red Skull: Dogs that are not worthy of licking our boots! We are the superior race!
Cobra Commander (high pitched): Yessssss!
I then look into the locker room at Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve. The Kennelz are Ares, Mace Windu with Jedi Padawan #30, Galactus and Nova, Apollo, Hercules, Anakin Skywalker in an F-18, Ahsoka Tano, Green Lanterns #1-2 and 4-5, Jade, The Inhumans: Black Bolt, Medusa, Gorgon, Triton, Karnak, Crystal, and Lockjaw, Dark Jedi Masters #31-39, The Pound: Michael Vick, Brandon Inge, Jack Bauer on a Ducatti, Curtis Manning, Justin "The Golden Boy" Oblak and Dexter the Dog (part pit-bull), Gimli son of Gloin, Scorpnonok with Lord Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Borath, (Beast Wars) Megatron, Lord Voldemort, Barbarossa, Ajax, Hrmm, Twisted Mentat #1, Annihilus, Dr. Doomsday, The Matrix Twins, Peter Petrelli, Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES, Young Jedi Knights #1-10, Quills, Big Barda, Fin Fang Foom, The Predacons: Rampage, Headstrong, Divebomb, Tantrum, & Razorclaw, Sky Lynx, Nazgul #2 w/ Fell Beast, Blue Dragons #1-12, and Samurai #1-12.
Mace Windu: This will not be an easy battle - but it is a battle that we can win!
Jack Bauer: Our only objective is to win! Nothing else! Remember, the ends justify the means!
I teleport the teams to the battlefield.
Due to the sheer numbers of combatants, the Better Than Team decides to separate into battalions. The Kennelz, seeing the Better Than Team forming battalions, decides to form squads in response. They face off as follows:
Squad 1 against Battalion 3:
Squad 1:
Mace Windu leads Jedi Padawan #30, Young Jedi Knights #1-10, Ahsoka Tano, Jade, Samurai #1-12, Gimli son of Gloin, and Anakin Skywalker overhead in an F-18.
Battalion 3:
Nick Fury leads Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, Army Soldiers #1-8, Rambo, The British Bulldogs: Davey Boy Smith and The Dynamite Kid, Lonestar and Barf, Ninja Pirates #3-4, N.S.5’s #1-12, Batman (Jean Paul Valley) and Beachhead.
Nick Fury and Mace Windu lead their teammates into battle. Anakin Skywalker flies his F-18 over the combatants. He lays down a sheet of fire with his plane’s Gatling gun. The bullets kill Army Soldiers #3-7. Ninja Pirates #3 and 4 finishes the job by severing the various appendages of Army Soldiers #1-2 and #8. The Ninja Pirates then rush at the Samurai #1-12, feeling confident that their skills will equally match their opponents. The battle is furious. Although Ninja Pirates #3 and #4 slice and dice through Samurai #1-4, remaining Samurai #5-12 kill Ninja Pirates #3 and 4. The N.S.5’s step into the fray. They combine their robotic forces to kill Samurai #5-7. Samurai #8-12 destroy N.S.5’s #3-6. The remaining robots finish off Samurai #8-12. Gimli of Gloin steps in and with his battle axe destroys N.S.5’s #1-2. Young Jedi Knights #1-10 wield their light sabers and slice through the remaining N.S.5’s #7-12. With advanced military weaponry and enhanced combat skills, Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow and Rambo manage to kill all Young Jedi Knights #1-10. The British Bulldogs see Gimli. The wrestlers utilize their aristocratic prowess to “dwarf toss” Gimli into the blades of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. Gimli is sliced into three small pieces. Jade takes revenge of her fallen comrades and strikes down both British Bulldogs: Davey Boy Smith and the Dynamite Kid. Batman (Jean Paul Valley) with his advanced weaponry and acrobatics dispatches Jade. Mace Windu, Jedi Padawan #30 and Ahsoka Tano storm the Battalion 3 team. With lightsabers swinging, the Jedi easily deflect the firepower of Nick Fury, Rambo and Beachhead. Once upon the masculine soldiers, the Jedi either decapitate or mortally wound all three. Nick Fury, Rambo and Beachhead die. Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow attack the Jedi Padawan at the same time, believing he will be the most viable kill. They are correct. Although a mere Padawan, he manages to hold his own against the two warriors, but eventually succumbs to their overpowering fury. With Jedi Padawan #30 dead, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes focus on Ahsoka Tano. Seeing his own Padawan in trouble, Skywalker fires two heat seeking torpedoes into the duo. Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes explode into G.I.Joe/Cobra bits. Mace Windu, as leader of his Squad, takes charge and finishes off Valley.
Lonestar (ignites his saber): I like the way you use that thing Windu! Let’s see how well. . .
Windu slices through Lonestar before he has time to finish his sentence.
Windu: Do you have anything to say?
Barf: Not really.
Windu: Didn’t think so. [Windu slices Barf in half].
Squad 2 against Battalion 4.
Squad 2:
Galactus leads Nova and the Inhumans: Black Bolt, Medusa, Gorgon, Triton, Karnak, Crystal and Lockjaw, and Green Lanterns #1-2, 4-5.
Battalion 4:
Lex Luthor leads Thanos, Flash, Batman Beyond, Black Suit Spiderman, Deathlok, Reptile, The Terminator (T2), Wolfsbane, Bishop, Megadeth, The Twins: Tomax and Xamot, and Mr. Mind.
Green Lanterns #1-2, 4-5 combine their ring powers and smash The Terminator (T2).
Green Lantern #2: Don’t think you’ll be back from that!
Thanos uses his powers that manipulate energy and matter to kill Green Lanterns #1-2. Before Green Lanterns #4-5 can retaliate, Deathlok fires his weapon and kills Lantern #4. Black Suit Spiderman manages to shoot his webs and snags Lantern #5 by his left foot. Spiderman then brings him down on the ground, stunning the Lantern #5. Before the Lantern can cut the webs, Wolfsbane jumps him and tears him apart. The Cobra Crimson Guard Commanders Tomax and Xamot are met by Karnak. Karnak uses his ability to sense the weak point of Xamot, and with his martial arts’ skills, kills Xamot by striking him repeatedly next to his heart. Lockjaw comes upon the scene and the Inhuman dog crushes Tomax in his jaws. Thanos flies up to the Inhuman martial artist and dog and kills them. Thus, Karnak and Lockjaw are no more. Flash runs into the fray. Gorgon stomps the ground and creates a shockwave which knocks Flash down. Medusa uses her prehensile hair to capture the speedster and then strangle Flash to death. Batman Beyond is in a hand-to-hand combat match with Triton. After the two savage each other, they pull out their “toys.” Before Batman can use his utility belt, Triton skewers him.
Triton: Always wanted to make a Bat-Kabob.
Black Bolt opens his mouth and uses his destructive hypersonic voice to shred Thanos. Bishop then uses his futuristic weaponry and fires upon Crystal. Wolfsbane enters the fight and begins tearing at Crystal’s body. Crystal, although mortally wounded, manages to use her manipulation skills of air and smashes Bishop and Wolfsbane together with such force it kills the two combatants. Crystal then dies. Black Bolt, Gorgon and Triton combine forces and destroy Black Suit Spiderman and Deathlok. Reptile uses his Kombat powers to skewer Triton, just as Triton did to his teammate before. Mr. Mind uses his hypnotic powers of mind manipulation to have Black Bolt kill Medusa. Furious, Gorgon squishes Mr. Mind underneath his large feet.
Luthor and Megadeth are left standing. As Galactus and Nova begin to come for the death blow Megadeth begins to sing:
I am a sniper, Always hit the mark; Paid assassin,Working after dark.
Looking through the night, Using infra-red, My target’s on you; Aimed at your head. $10.000 up front, $10.000 when I'm through; And I know just what to do, And ya know I'll do it too.
Then I'm coming back for you; Back for you!
Galactus: You will come back for no one!
Nova uses her galactic powers to kill all members of Megadeth.
Galactus looks at Luthor and in an instant Luthor is destroyed.
Squad 3 against Battalion 1.
Squad 3:
Lord Voldemort leads Blue Dragons #1-12, Dark Jedi Masters #31-39, Fin Fang Foom, The Matrix Twins, and Quills.
Battalion 1:
Gandalf the White leads Mephisto, Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Orcs #1-12. Abomination, Ghost Rider (Danny Ketch), Grey Hulk, Jedi Guardians #1 and 2, Yogurt, Green Lantern, Doc Holiday, and Dozer #6.
Gandalf: You shall not pass!
Voldemort: I do not intend to pass. I intend to destroy you!
Voldemort and Gandalf are in the middle of a pitched battle of spells while the other combatants fight. Quills uses his quill projectiles to cut down Dozer #6. Dark Jedi Masters #31-39 easily dispatch with Jedi Guardians #1 and 2. Blue Dragons #1-12 use their lightning breaths to ignite the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Marshmallow Man’s skin sizzles and he eventually catches fire and explodes. The Marshmallow Man’s goopy body parts splatter over Orcs #1-12. The goop essentially traps the Tolkien warriors, who are unable to significantly move. The Dark Jedi Masters #31-39 use this to their advantage and cut through the Orcs #1-12 (although Dark Jedi Master #32 is a casualty of the fracas). Grey Hulk and Abomination combine their superior strengths and take on the Blue Dragons. The Marvel monsters manage to destroy Dragons #3-7. Meanwhile, Ghost Rider uses his demonic chain to strangle Blue Dragon #1 and Green Lantern uses his ring to destroy Blue Dragons #2 and #8. Grey Hulk and Abomination then destroy the remaining Blue Dragons #9-12. Unfortunately, Abomination dies from his wounds.
Doc Holiday: What’s going on Huckleberry?
Quills: Your death.
Before Quills is able to shoot his quills at the Western warrior, Doc Holiday guns him down like the vermin he is. The Matrix Twins use their powers to surround and kill Holiday.
Mephisto uses his magic manipulation ability and joins Gandalf in his fight to destroy Voldemort. The combined power of the two magic wielders is too much and Gandalf and Mephisto destroy Voldemort.
Fin Fang Foom screeches on the scene and destroys Yogurt and Ghost Rider, without much adieu. The remaining Battalion members: Grey Hulk, Green Lantern and Mephisto, Gandalf then destroy Fin Fang Foom. The Dark Jedi Masters #31 and 33-39 storm the Battalion, filled with rage and revenge. Although the Masters manage to kill Grey Hulk and Green Lantern, they are eventually all killed with only Gandalf and Mephisto remaining from the skirmish.
Squad 4 against Battalion 5.
Squad 4:
Dr. Doomsday leads Barbarossa, Ajax, Hrrm, Twisted Mentat #1, Annihilus, Nazgul #2 with Fell Beast, Big Barda, Ares, Apollo and Hercules.
Battalion 5:
Cobra Commander leads Agent Smith, Gwar: Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus, Balsac the Jaws of Death, Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmack da Gusha, Slymenstra Hymen, The Sexecutioner and Sleazy P. Martini, The Terminator (T1), and Ninja Pirates #3 and 4.
Dr. Doomsday: Commander. Surrender now and I promise that your deaths will be merciful. If you even attempt to fight . . .
Cobra Commander: Stop right there Dr. Doomsday! Don’t think we’re that stupid to lay down our arms! Fight we shall – onward to victory! And Doctor - time for your team’s medication – Better Than style!
The two teams run at each other. Barbarossa, Ajax, Hrrm and Twisted Mentat #1 take on Gwar. Flattus Maximus, Beefcake the Mighty and Oderus Urungus manage to destroy Mentat #1, with all of their combined “Gwarian” abilities. Barbarossa, Hrrm and Ajax, easily dispatch with Jizmack da Gusha and Slymenstra Hymen. Big Barda joins the fray and with Barbarossa, Hrrm and Ajax, manage to destroy Gwarmates: The Sexecutioner, Sleazy P. Martini, and Balsac the Jaws of Death. Oderus Urungus and Beefcake the Mighty take on Hrrm and manage to overpower the brute and eventually kill him. Annihilus uses his cosmic control rod and disintegrates Oderus Urungus and Beefcake the Mighty. Agent Smith warps reality and destroys Barbarossa. Ares, Apollo and Hercules then come on the scene and use their combined powers to pummel Agent Smith to death.
Nazgul #2 with Fell Beast swoops down on the combatants and destroys Ninja Pirate #3. Ninja Pirates #4 reacts to the death of his friend and, with perfect timing, jumps on the back of the Fell Beast. Although he knows that it will kill him too, he is willing to sacrifice himself for his comrades. The Pirate repeatedly stabs the Fell Beast. The Fell Beast, in its death throws, plummets to the grasslands below, killing itself, Nazgul #2 and the Ninja Pirates # 4.
Dr. Doomsday sees the Terminator and brutalizes the robot into pieces. Cobra Commander is the only battalion-mate left standing.
Dr. Doomsday: So much for my medicine!
Cobra: I will see you another day my doctor friend!
Dr. Doomsday: First, I’m no Doctor. Second, no you won’t.
Doomsday crushes Cobra Commander’s skull and throws his body in a heap amongst the others.
Squad 5 against Battalion 2.
Squad 5:
Megatron (Beast Wars) leads Scorponok with Lord Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath, The Predacons: Rampage, Headstrong, Divebomb, Tantrum, and Razorclaw, and Sky Lynx.
Battalion 2:
Red Skull and Skeletor lead Baron Zemo, Tombstone, The Hart Foundation: Brett "The Hitman" Hart & Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, Ghost Rider (Johnny Blaze), Smoke, Predators #1, 3-13, Loki and Bartleby.
The Predacons immediately attack the Predators. The Predacons manage to destroy Predators #1 and 3-5. Before Predator 3 dies, he uses his nuclear device to destroy Rampage, Tantrum and Headstrong. Scorponok with Lord Zarak easily rip apart The Hart Foundation: Brett "The Hitman" Hart & Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, with its claws. The remaining Predacons attack the Predators once again and kill them all. Mindwipe and Vorath hypnotize Baron Zemo and Tombstone to act as carefree flower children and free spirits. They two come into the path of the remaining Predacons Divebomb and Razorclaw.
Zemo: Hey man, what do you say?
Tombstone: Peace and love guys. Peace and love.
Divebomb and Razorclaw rip apart the hypnotized combatants. Ghost Rider (Johnny Blaze) manages to destroy Divebomb, but is then taken out by Sky Lynx. Smoke attempts to use his powers on Sky Lynx and is struck down by Skeletor’s sword. Loki and Bartleby use their angelic powers to destroy Razorclaw. Sky Lynx uses his Transformer weaponry to shred Loki and Bartleby’s wings apart. Megatron uses this to his advantage and destroys the seraphs.
Red Skull and Skeletor are left, knowing their deaths are imminent. They rush at the Squad and are riddled and shredded apart by the weaponry of Megatron, Scorponok and Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath and Sky Lynx.
Squad 6 against Battalion 6.
Squad 6:
Jack Bauer (on a Ducati) leads Curtis Manning, Peter Petrelli, The Pound: Michael Vick, Brandon Inge, Justin "The Golden Boy" Oblak and Dexter the Dog (part pit-bull), Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES.
Battalion 6:
Hulk Hogan leads Macho Man Randy Savage, Terry Funk, The 4 Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard, The Blues Brothers, Triple H, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Terminators #1-13, David Dunn, RVD and Sabu, and Sagat.
Hulk Hogan leads his wrestling teammates into battle. Hulk Hogan is joined by the Macho Man Randy Savage, Terry Funk and The 4 Horsemen: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard against The Pound: Michael Vick, Brandon Inge, Justin "The Golden Boy" Oblak and Dexter the Dog (part pit-bull). Michael Vick (having pumped himself up while in jail) manages to snap the neck of Arn Anderson. Ole Anderson and Rick Flair, infuriated at the death of Arn, attack Vick at the same time. Between Ric Flair’s atomic drop and Ole Anderson’s chokeslam, Vick goes down for the count – forever. Brandon Inge, although a scrappy “Tiger” with heart, is no match for the skills of Terry Funk. Funk uses a spinning bulldog to finish Inge. Dexter the Dog rushes at Tully Blanchard and tears apart Blanchard’s groin with its teeth. Blanchard bleeds out and dies. Seeing that the dog is in a frenzy, Triple H, Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock come to the aid of their teammates. After they surround the dog, it is only a matter of minutes before they subdue Dexter and break its neck.
Macho Man (sees Oblak waiting for his turn to face the wrestlers): Come on! [Oblak rushes at Macho Man]. Oh yeah!!!! [Macho Man easily stops Oblak]. Snack into a slim jim, b@$ch! [Macho Man uses a Michinoko driver to finish Oblak].
Bauer, on his Ducati, skids his bike through the wrestlers, while firing his guns at the same time. The force of the bike striking the men manages to crush Ole Anderson. Curtis Manning, right behind Bauer, begins repeatedly unloading his guns into the wrestlers. Bauer and Manning kill Terry Funk, Ric Flair and Triple H. Peter Petrelli, invisible (using the leeched abilities of previous “heroes”) sneaks up from behind and kills Macho Man. Petrelli then uses another ability to “push” Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold and The Rock to fight and subsequently kill their own teammates, David Dunn, RVD and Sabu. While distracted, Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES kill Hogan, Austin and The Rock. While focusing on the “pushees”, Petrelli does not notice Sagat come from behind. Sagat snaps Petrelli’s neck. Bauer and Manning then unload their weapons on Sagat and kill him.
A fevered battle takes place between Terminators #1-13 and Citizen Steel, Uncle Sam, Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES. Uncle Sam is extremely powerful due to his Squad’s patriotism and manages to destroy Terminators #1-3 by himself. Citizen Steel manages to destroy Terminators #4 and 5, but is eventually subdued and killed by Terminator #9. The Star Spangled Kid and STRIPES take out Terminators #10-12, but are also eventually killed by the Terminators. Uncle Sam then kills the remaining Terminators #6-9.
The Blues Brothers see all of the carnage and decide to run. Bauer and Manning stop them.
Bauer: Where are your other teammates?
Elwood Blues: What are you talking about man?
Bauer: You know exactly what I’m talking about! Where is the meeting point for your team?!?
Elwood: I don’t know.
Bauer (signals Curtis Manning who shoots Jake in the head): Last chance!
Elwood: Die you pig scum!
Bauer shoots Elwood: Take us to the others (says to Uncle Sam who flies Bauer and Manning away).
Those left from the carnage arrive at the final battle site:
Better Than: Gandalf and Mephisto
Kennelz: Mace Windu Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker overhead in an F-18, Galactus, Nova, Black Bolt, Gorgon, Dr. Doomsday, Ajax, Annihilus, Big Barda, Ares, Apollo and Hercules, Megatron (Beast Wars), Scorponok with Lord Zarak, Cliffjumper, Mindwipe and Vorath, Sky Lynx, Jack Bauer, Curtis Manning and Uncle Sam.
The fight lasts only seconds as the superior force devastates the remaining Better Than duo.
MICHAEL VICK’S BAD NEWZ KENNELZ OF LURVE IS VICTORIOUS!!!!!
¡Léalo o arrancaré la garganta!*
*translation: Read it or I'll Tear Out Your Throat!
The Easter Classic Is Almost Here!!!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Le' Napoleon Brigade Vs. Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies
Le’ Napoleon Brigade is John McLain, Obi Wan Kenobi, Wonder Woman, Poison Ivy, Morpheus, Skyfire, Alan Scott, Jules Winfield & Vincent Vega, Man at Arms & Teela, Allia Atreides, Duncan Idaho Kwisatz Haderach Ghola #12, Jedi Knight #1-15, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Jedi Master #31-40, Daniel Rousseau, Robin Hood, Little John, Arwen Evenstar, John Locke, Silver Dragon #3-15, Horse #26-37, Vito Corleone, Santino Corleone, Even Piel, Master Jedi Leia Organa, Yoda’s Spirit, Anakin Solo, Coleman Trebor, Squeeze Play & Locos, Lara Croft, Abraham Van Helsing, Wonder Boy & Young Nasty Man, Pee Wee Herman, Pterry, Conky, Giada De Laurentis, Batgirl, Guy Gardner (w/ Yellow Ring), Power Girl, Red Devil, Sonja Blade, The Jolly Green Giant, Sprout, The Farmer, Army Soldier #101-130, Velociraptor #31-50, Catwoman, Hecate, & Napoleon Bonaparte.
Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderlies are Aunt May.
As the Brigade forms up Wonder Woman looks to her team and says “Alright guys, this is gonna be a big one. Napoleon is right here with us and remember: most importantly, this one is for Wonder Girl”! John Mclain then looks over to Wonder Woman and says “Hey Diana, where the hell is the other team, and who the F*&k is that old broad walking up”? Aragorn nudges Morpheus and says “Is it just that old woman, I’m not killing an old woman”. “Shit B*&^h even I ain’t killing no old woman” Jules Winfield adds. Not that they need to because approximately 0.376 seconds later Aunt May dies of a heart attack after witnessing the sheer size of The Brigade’s Team. Napoleon stands before his team and says “Victory is ours”. “Who were we supposed to be playing anyway” Pterry asks of Conky. “The the the the Murderflies t-t-t-ta Pterry” Conky responds. “What is it they are murdering, self-respect”? Pee Wee says sarcastically. Which prompts Sprout to turn to Catwoman and say “Does this mean we get to go home now”? “Fine by me” Giada says to Batgirl and Red Devil. The whole team then starts to walk back where they came from when Wonder Woman says “OOOOOHHHH NO! F**k that! I already have a reputation for retreating; and like I said before, this match is for Wonder Girl. This is an insult, throwing one old lady at us for the biggest match of the year. I WANT BLOOD! I say we storm their headquarters and make them pay. Nobody insults The Brigade like this”! Napoleon then says “Now Wonder Woman, as Head Coach I can’t allow that to happen”. “Why the F**k not”? John Mclain asks. Napoleon then looks like he thinks about it for second and then answers “Ummm, you know I don’t know. Ahhh Hell, lets do it”. Le’ Napoleon Brigade then storms an unprompted sneak attack on the Headquarters of Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies. Hecate first levels the entire place with her entire arsenal of Atomics, while the entire team takes pot shots at all of the scared Murderflies running for their lives from the pillaging Brigade. Wonder Woman was even heard screaming and laughing maniacally saying something along the lines of “Yeah, don’t shoot em to fast, let em burn”. It was all Allia Atreides could do to keep her team from opening up the enormous Sandworm Penn. The Watchers eventually had to come down and teleport The Brigade back to their headquarters, but in true Watcher fashion by the time we interfered it was far too late. In the end, only The Murderflies coaches, their 3 green lanterns, 13 sandworms, Ewok #4 & 5, The Scooby Gang, Dorf, and General Popeil were able to escape the carnage. And carnage it truly was I must say, after witnessing this horrible atrocity: the smell of death in the once arid mélange coated air, so much blood that not even all the dead ewok carcasses can soak it up, and the sheer memory of The Brigade’s rage and lust for the blood of those they feel wronged them. The only comment that can even comes to mind is: "Aunt May was the lucky one".
LE’ NAPOLEON BRIGADE IS VICTORIOUS!
Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderlies are Aunt May.
As the Brigade forms up Wonder Woman looks to her team and says “Alright guys, this is gonna be a big one. Napoleon is right here with us and remember: most importantly, this one is for Wonder Girl”! John Mclain then looks over to Wonder Woman and says “Hey Diana, where the hell is the other team, and who the F*&k is that old broad walking up”? Aragorn nudges Morpheus and says “Is it just that old woman, I’m not killing an old woman”. “Shit B*&^h even I ain’t killing no old woman” Jules Winfield adds. Not that they need to because approximately 0.376 seconds later Aunt May dies of a heart attack after witnessing the sheer size of The Brigade’s Team. Napoleon stands before his team and says “Victory is ours”. “Who were we supposed to be playing anyway” Pterry asks of Conky. “The the the the Murderflies t-t-t-ta Pterry” Conky responds. “What is it they are murdering, self-respect”? Pee Wee says sarcastically. Which prompts Sprout to turn to Catwoman and say “Does this mean we get to go home now”? “Fine by me” Giada says to Batgirl and Red Devil. The whole team then starts to walk back where they came from when Wonder Woman says “OOOOOHHHH NO! F**k that! I already have a reputation for retreating; and like I said before, this match is for Wonder Girl. This is an insult, throwing one old lady at us for the biggest match of the year. I WANT BLOOD! I say we storm their headquarters and make them pay. Nobody insults The Brigade like this”! Napoleon then says “Now Wonder Woman, as Head Coach I can’t allow that to happen”. “Why the F**k not”? John Mclain asks. Napoleon then looks like he thinks about it for second and then answers “Ummm, you know I don’t know. Ahhh Hell, lets do it”. Le’ Napoleon Brigade then storms an unprompted sneak attack on the Headquarters of Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies. Hecate first levels the entire place with her entire arsenal of Atomics, while the entire team takes pot shots at all of the scared Murderflies running for their lives from the pillaging Brigade. Wonder Woman was even heard screaming and laughing maniacally saying something along the lines of “Yeah, don’t shoot em to fast, let em burn”. It was all Allia Atreides could do to keep her team from opening up the enormous Sandworm Penn. The Watchers eventually had to come down and teleport The Brigade back to their headquarters, but in true Watcher fashion by the time we interfered it was far too late. In the end, only The Murderflies coaches, their 3 green lanterns, 13 sandworms, Ewok #4 & 5, The Scooby Gang, Dorf, and General Popeil were able to escape the carnage. And carnage it truly was I must say, after witnessing this horrible atrocity: the smell of death in the once arid mélange coated air, so much blood that not even all the dead ewok carcasses can soak it up, and the sheer memory of The Brigade’s rage and lust for the blood of those they feel wronged them. The only comment that can even comes to mind is: "Aunt May was the lucky one".
LE’ NAPOLEON BRIGADE IS VICTORIOUS!
The Syracuse Valley Vs. Pop-Superstar Hannah Montana & President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos
The Syracuse Valley is Mcgruff the Crime Dog, Agamemnon & Menelaus, Star Fox in an Arwing, Master Chief on a 4 Wheeler, Dash Rendar & Leebo in an AT-ST, Darth Maul, Darth Rave, Omega Red, Soundwave w/ Rumble, Frenzy, Ravage, Laserbeak, Buzzsaw, Ratbat, Overkill, Slugfest, (movie) Frenzy, Squawk Talk, & Beast Box, Casey Jones, Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael, Splinter, Nightcrawler, Nocturne, Baby Nightcrawler, Venom, Zit, Rash, Pimple, Sonic the Hedgehog, Tails, Knuckles, Bossk, Xenomorph #91-100, Balrog #5, (movie) Megatron, (movie) Starscream, (movie) Jazz, Raiden, Kid Thunder, Mr. Game & Watch, Shang Tsung, Wonder Boy, Rayne, Wald, Beavis, Butthead, Buttchunk, Guille, Sockpin, Doogle, Rob Bartlett, Wingnut, Screwloose, Crasher, Jedi Guardian #3, Jedi Padawan #37, Scooter, Hammer Bros. #2-10, Boomerang Bros. #1-10, Fire Bros. #2-10, Giant Hammer Bros. #1-10, Kree Soldier #1-50, Navy Sailor #60-99, Moritani Soldier #1-15, Little Goomba #3-63, Sam Malone, Frank the Tank, The Dude from Quackers, Gordon Barbo, Bran, Glass Joe, Jonny Cage, Jax, Kid Chameleon, Game Boy, Wart, Mappy, Pitfall Harry, Jimmy Lee, King Hippo, Egg Plant Wizard, Homer Simpson, Black Lightning, & Ludwig Von Koopa.
The Commandos are Dave Bowman: The Starchild, General Grevious, The Colonial Marines: Apone, Hicks, Gorman, Bishop 341-B, Ferro, Dietrich, Hudson, Spunkmeyer, Drake, Frost, Crowe, & Wierbowski, Ellen Ripley, Agamemnon & Juno, Xerxes, Dante, Tllaloc, Octane, Tracks, Rodimus Prime, (movie) Blackout, Smokescreen, Venom, Ransack, Barrage, Chop Shop, Vindicator, Dr. Doom, Frank Poole, HAL 9000, Angel, Warf, Bizarro Superman, Black Adam, Paralax, Ben Kenobi, Astro-droid #19, Nightmare, Ms. Marvel, Maxima, Mary Marvel, Erasmus, Luminara Unduli, Barress Offee, Dozer #1, Iorek Birnenson, Kaja Sinis, Luna Lovegood, Dr. Fate, Darth Binks, Hanibal King, Lady Deathstrike, Ginny Weasaly, The Pretenders: Captain Latin America, Cannon Man, Bottomless Stomach & Kid Nee, Ardeth Bay, Seraphina Peckala & her daemon, Mulder & Scully, The Human Bomb, Kendra Young, Nicole Des Jardins Wakefield, Hannah Montana & Rachel Ray in the Batmobile, Ahmed Best, Lyra Belaqua w/ Pan, Will Parry w/ Kirjava, Buffy Summers, Spider Man, Leon, Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, Jack Crowe, Rick Deckard, T-3, Shawn Ferrel, V, Riggs & Murtaugh, Dr. Grant & Ellie Sattler in a Land Speeder, Eowyn, Willow Rosenburg, Lazarus Long in an F-22, Xavier Harkonen, Judah Ben Hur, Tarful, Bail Organa, Sydney Pouttier, John Turner, Brangelina w/ Maddox, Pax, Shiloh, Zahara, Vivian, & Knox in a Ferrari 456 GT, Azeem, Starship Trooper #100, IG-88, Zam Wessell, The Herculoids: Zandar, Tarra, Dorno, Zok, Igoo, Tundro, Gloop, & Gleep, Venus & Serena Williams, Dora the Explorer, Boots, Backpack, The Map, Vorian Atreides, Prof. Henry Jones Sr., Acklay #1, Chow Yun Fat, Huma Dragonbane w/ his Red Dragon, Black Dragon #15, Original Human Torch, Blue Beetle, Bashar Miles Teg, Muhammed Ali, James Baldwin, Cole Sear, Jen Linley, & Red Dragon #1.
Jen Linley has a heart attack and dies, but it is O.K. because she has like 12 soul mates. As the 2 teams form up Darth Rave walks up to the Sith Lord that has instructed him his entire career and begins saying “My master, I understand that this may be our final battle together, so I”, but Darth Maul starts force choking his apprentice before he can finish. “Don’t get soft on me now Lord Rave, if this day should be my last than you should be thankful. Your rising above me could happen no other way”. “Lord Maul, Release him, we will be in need of his talents”! Star Fox yells to Darth Maul as he is getting in his Arwing. “Of course”. Darth Maul says as he releases his dark apprentice. Despite their different methods Star Fox and Darth Maul have formed a relationship based on respect that one would almost call a friendship. The dedication that the 2 warriors have to the art of The Sith and to the art of piloting has its similarities and the two of them cannot help but admire each other. Before the Syracuse Valley begins their charge on the well fortified force of the Commandos, Head Coach Mcgruff the Crime Dog stands up before them to say a few inspirational words. They are “Let’s take a bite out of The Commandos”. After this less than creative pep talk Assistant Coaches Menelaus and Agamemnon wave for Master Chief to say a few words before they begin. Maser Chief rides his 4 Wheeler up to the front of the pack and then stands up on the seat. He says: “Members of The Syracuse Valley, I am not great with words and will not beat around the bush, we all know that this has been a rough road to get here. Our victories have been few and far between and we have already seen too many of our friends go to the graveyard this year already. For many of us; ……. Including myself; this very well could be our last battle, and in this battle we will be up against insurmountable odds. According to many outsiders we have little to no chance of defeating the N.L. powerhouse that we are about to go up against, but that is talk that I for one, refuse to listen to. I have but no choice to believe in this team and our ability to defeat any team that attacks us. There is no doubt that if we were to lose this Death Match, that it would decimate our team in a way that no other FFL franchise has ever been decimated, but: if one way tickets to hell are our fate, THAN THE VALLEY SHALL SHOW THEM A TASTE OF HELL ON EARTH BEFORE WE GO”!!! Master Chief pumps his rifle into the air as he finishes his speech which is met by thunderous applause from his team. Master Chief then jumps back on his 4 Wheeler and starts riding in fast toward The Commandos knowing that it is going to take more than a pep rally to defeat the team he is about to attack. Mcgruff and the Assistant coaches attempt to run into battle first to rally the team but Seraphina Peckala jumps out of nowhere with her bow and arrow. She shoots Menelaus in the neck with an arrow and then catches Head Coach Mcgruff in the chest but Agamemnon hits Seraphina’s winged daemon with his sword which finishes them both off. Venom and Spider Man start squaring off with each other right away but we will come back to that while Megatron transforms into his Cybertronian jet form racing into the heart of The Commandos defensive line. The Decepticon leader transforms back into robot form, but is met by Black Adam and Mary Marvel. Megatron, though powerful underestimates the 2 worthless little rotting bags of flesh and does not see it coming as the 2 of them blast thru his chest and then rip out his moving parts with an intense ferocity, and at an amazing speed, leaving the great Megatron nothing but a pile of spare parts. All 50 Kree Soldiers form ranks to begin an offensive when Dr. Doom sees the moment he has been waiting for. He grabs a hold of his own teammate, The Human Bomb and throws him into the area where The Kree have gathered. The Kree form a circle around him, as if they are unsure what to do when, Dr. Doom, now a safe distance away targets his own teammate with some of his armor’s magic. The Human Bomb then blows up, but takes all 50 Kree Soldiers with him. Nobody on either team even attempts to interfere with the dog fight between Lazarus Long and Starscream. The F-22 that is being flown by Long and The Decepticon are nearly identical, and even though Starscream is occasionally transforming back and forth to his robot form, the 2 of them are spinning around each other so rapidly that any bystander would confuse them instantly. Starscream flies in front of Lazarus and transforms trying to blast him with his arm guns but Lazarus Long takes evasive action. The ageless Methuselah smiles to himself as he goes in to a tailspin and says “Ahhh, it’s good to be back in a real plane, I ain’t flown one of these bad boys, since I was 90”. Lazarus then ducks his plane underneath the legs of Starscream and swings back around with a missile at the ready. Lazarus then blasts Starscream in the chest with a perfectly placed missile and extinguishes his spark. The 10 Xenomorphs surround Vindicator and quickly rip apart The Alpha Fighters metal coverings, but they are met by a much more powerful opponent as The Commandos 5 Titan-Cymeks approach them. “These creatures seem slightly advanced over the humans, which we are used to stomping” Tllaloc says to his peers. “more advanced physically than the hethrigir perhaps but still nothing compared to both our intellect and ability” Agamemnon replies. But the 10 Xenomorphs work together and begin attacking Xerxes. They jump onto the Titan and start clawing and biting at the Cymek. “Only a fool like Xerxes would allow himself to be taken in a way like this”. Agamemnon says. Agamemnon then orders all of the Cymeks to take aim at the Xenomorphs on top of Xerxes. Xerxes probably would have survived the attack if the acid blood of the Xenomorphs did not eat right thru him but then Agamemnon would not have gotten his added bonus. Agamemnon the Titan then is drawn to one of the Hethrigir on the field, when he sees the original Agamemnon rushing around with his sword in hand. The Titan grabs him up the Greek with one of his mechanized claws and says to him thru his mechanized speaker box “Well, if it is not the brave (supposed) ancestor of mine whose name I have chosen as my own, I wish to tell you that I am obviously a great admirer of yours. This is truly an honor. You see, despite my amazing power you are one hethrigir that I never in a thousand years thought I would get the honor to kill”. But by the time the last word is uttered the great Greek leader is already dead from the crushing of his internal organs by the powerful cymek claw. Zam Wessell and Starship Trooper #100 are both shooting out the windows of Tracks in his flying Corvette form while they are being chased by Star Fox in his Arwing. The 2 do their best to target the Arwing but Star Fox is too good in the ship that he is just way to familiar with. Tracks tries to get away from him but Star Fox locks on to Tracks and uses his lasers to blow him out of the air. Rayne jumps out with her blades ready to do battle but Buffy and Kendra make such short work of her that it is kind of ridiculous. The 2 slayers then separate and go on small rampages. Buffy is slightly slowed down by Mr. Game & Watch but mows right thru Wald, Beavis, Butthead, and Buttchunk who barely have time to comment on how hot she is and how they can almost see her thingies before she delivers brain rattling kicks to each of their heads. At the end of her mini-kill spree she is met by Guille who looks excited at the prospect of taking on someone who just took out so many of his teammates in such a short period of time. Guille throw a Sonic Boom at her hoping she would jump over it so he could catch her with his reverse leg kick but much to his dismay she ducks under it and delivers a kick of her own to his chest. He jumps back at her but she pulls out a wooden stake and allows him to fall into it chest first on his way down. Kendra Young goes on a mini rampage of her own wiping out the dynamic duo of Sockpin and Doogle. She then makes it a Connecticut tri-fecta by cracking Bran’s neck with her bare hands. Kid Chameleon turns into his samurai form but finds that he is no match for Kendra with a sword as she quickly takes off his samurai war helmet with his head still inside. Sam Malone, Frank the Tank, The Dude from Quackers, Gordon Barbo, Homer Simpson, Navy Sailor #96 & 99, Moritani Soldier #14 have their game of quarter bounce rudely interrupted by Luminara Unduli and Barress Offee who come thru flinging their lightsabers into them on their way to do battle with the Dash Rendar Driven AT-ST. Dash and Leebo try to target the 2 Jedi but Unduli and Offee use their jedi speed to evade the laser blasts. The 2 of them then simultaneously jump on top of the 2 legged vehicle and cut their way inside. Dash tries to put up a fight but the Jedi Master and her former padawan block his hand held blaster bolts and finish off the smuggler and his droid. Master Chief blazes a trail on his 4 Wheeler, more than ready to make his last stand. He runs right over Astro Droid #19 and then shoves a wooden stake into the heart of Angel (it’s a good thing he came prepared), but Warf shoves his triple sided alien blade thing into the tire of the 4 Wheeler which sends The Syracuse Valley leader flying over the handle bars. Master Chief gets up to brush himself off while Warf moves toward him slowly from behind. Warf is about to lunge at him when Master Chief turns around with his rifle in hand and blasts Warf in the face. Master Chief then tries to shoot Ben Kenobi who is now walking toward him as well but Ben blocks the shots with his blaster. “I don’t think so” the aging Jedi Master says. So Master Chief quickly drops his gun and picks up Warf’s weapon. “I never much cared for droids, but I was beginning to take a liking to that one” Obi Wan says to Master Chief about Astro Droid #19 (who was his X-Wing co-pilot last week). “It was nothing personal” Master Chief replies. “Your Master Chief right”? Obi Wan asks. “That’s right Master Kenobi” Master Chief answers. “I see our reputations precede us, now Master Chief; you don’t really think a Jedi Master would take something personal would you”? Ben says as he rushes at Master Chief causing his lightsaber to make blue streaks in the evening air. Master Chief manages to block several of Kenobi’s attacks with Warf’s weapon but in the end it is too much for him as Ben finishes him off with a head shot. Gen. Grevious leads the Colonial Marines against Omega Red. This is this year’s first appearance for The Syracuse Valley Season 1 1st round pick and he shows off how anxious he really is by instantly grabbing a hold of Spunkmeyer and Wierzbowski with his tentacles. Omega Red’s deadly pheromones are released into the 2 marines which quickly kills them both. Omega Red then jumps right into the middle of fighting fiercely, though heavily outnumbered. Omega Red manages to take out Gorman and Ferro as well, but then the remaining marines push him back with their automatic weapons while Grevious finishes him off with 4 lightsabers to the chest. Casey Jones pulls out his goalie stick and yells “I love being a turtle”! (even though he isn’t). As Ellen Ripley launches 2 grenades into his golf bag and blows him to pieces. Dave Bowman pretends like he doesn’t care when his teammates tell him of the FFL rumors of making him this year’s MVP, but I think he is full of cosmic crap. Dave Bowman floats high above the battlefield and begins sucking up opponents as if her were a Syracuse Valley magnet. Balrog #5, Shang Tsung, Black Lightning, Egg Plant Wizard, & Jedi Guardian #3 are all brought up to the sky as if they have no physical control of their actions whatsoever. Once the 5 of them are brought there, The Starchild then simply disappears with all of them simply taking them somewhere else. Brad Pitt does not seem to mind the 6 screaming kids crammed into the small back seat of the Ferrari he is driving, but the nagging wife next to him is driving him crazy. Driving next to them is their teammates, Doctors Grant and Sattler who are having the following conversation: Grant says as he is pointing to the Ferrari “Look at that, you would really still want kids after seeing that fiasco, I can hear them thru the rolled up windows, I mean, come on way to find a way to ruin a drive in a Ferrari”. Ellie replies “Not all kids, Dr. Grant are quite so unruly. You of all people being a scientist should be able to deduce that having that many kids is the problem”. “One or a thousand, I don’t care. It’s all too many”. “Oh Dr. Grant, you are so intriguing, this isn’t about you being jealous because you didn’t get to drive the Ferrari is it”? Ellie asks. Grant replies, “No way, are you kidding me, this Land Speeder is great. As far as I am concerned wheels are extinct (Har-dee har har, giggles all around). Back in the Ferrari: Angelina yells “STOP! DAMMIT BRAD, I said stop! Turn the car around”. “Why what’s the problem”? Brad asks. “WHAT???? Don’t you what’s the problem me turn the damn car around. Didn’t you see that kid back there” Angelina says. “No, what kid. We’re in the middle of a battle here” Brad says. Angelina replies with “So what, there were many battles going on when we kidnapped, I mean adopted Zahara and Vivian”. “We didn’t adopt Vivian” Brad interrupts. “Didn’t I tell you to shut up” Angelina says as she is getting out of the now stopped car. She walks up to Raiden who is with his sidekick Kid Thunder and asks if she can adopt his son but as this is happening Dr. Grant swerves out of the way of Ardeth Bay who is fighting King Hippo and rear ends the stopped Ferrari that Brad has not so intelligently just left parked in the middle of the Battlefield, killing everyone in both vehicles. Angelina shrugs her shoulders and says to Raiden “you see how dangerous this world is, you should let me take your little boy away from here”. But instead Raiden decides to fry her with his lightning powers. Xavier Harkonen uses a small EMP charge on Jazz to disable him while he gets Vorian Atreides, Miles Teg, and Muhammad Ali to help him take the Autobot apart. Rodimus Prime, Smokescreen, Blackout, and Octane surround Soundwave. Rodimus says in his ultimate good guy voice “give yourself up Soundwave”. But Soundwave ejects his tapes and orders them to attack. Soundwave and his original tapes know that this may be their final battle for the Syracuse Valley but they are prepared to go down fighting. Blackout stomps both Slugfest and Overkill into the ground but Lazerbeak and Buzzsaw both use their eye lasers to take down the much bigger Decepticon. Smokescreen grabs a hold of (movie) Frenzy and rips him apart but Ravage jumps onto his stomach and knocks him down, while Ratbat is killed trying to help out with his razor sharp metal teeth. Soundwave then finishes off the Autobot with a laser blast to the chest. Rodimus punches thru the body of Squawk Box on the way to Soundwave who he punches in the chest breaking the cover where his tapes are ejected from and then throwing him on the ground. Rodimus then uses his side arm lasers to blast into the opened stomach of Soundwave and finish him off for good. “NOOOOOO, not Soundwave” Rumble yells as he and Frenzy jump onto the chest of Rodimus Prime and begin pounding there piston converted arms into his chest until the Autobot leader is dead. Octane pulls Ravage off of the dead shell of Smokescreen and breaks the electrode in his neck but he is then killed by the 4 remaining and very enraged tapes. Spider Man has been fighting Venom all this time but Venom is starting to gain the upper hand. Venom is about to bring his powerful hands down onto the neck of Spiderman when he blasted by a shot of magic from the wand of Harry Potter. With just a little help from his friend Harry (no, not that friend Harry, Harry Potter) Spider Man is able to gain the upper hand and finish off Venom once and for all. Will, Kirjava, Lyra, & Pan are having a blast & racking up mad bonus points by jumping on the heads of The Little Goombas, but when Will and Pan both miss and get hit by the fangs of the little whatever they-ares it kills all 4 of them. Jack Crowe and Rick Deckard learn how it is done though and avenge their little friends by finishing off the last 8 Goombas on their way to help V and Riggs & Murtaugh fight the 14 remaining Moritani Soldiers. The Moritani activate their shields but Bashar Miles Teg has taught everybody on The Commandos enough about shield fighting to know at least the basics. V is already great with knives so he has no problem taking out 6 of them on his own, before he is stabbed by the Moritani #3 & 8 combo. Murtaugh is killed by Moritani #1 but Riggs, Crowe, & Deckard manage to take out the rest of them. Moritani #1 is then thought to be dead but is sneaking up on the Commandos waiting for the perfect time to strike, when Shawn Ferrell rushes in to heal V. Once V comes to he throws his knife, not at the Moritani because he knows that the thrown blade will not get thru his shield but to Riggs who catches it and then allows the slow blade to penetrate the shield and kill the final Moritani Soldier. Glass Joe, Jax, and Jonny Cage’s shirtless bodies are glistening in the moonlight as Paralax flies by filling their hearts with fear and their bodies with death. Ardeth Bay won the fight against King Hippo by the way, for all you people who were still on the edge of your seat about it. Darth Maul decides that it is his time to go off as he sheds his black cloak and ignites his double-bladed lightsaber. The 4 giant Insecticons stand on the ground in their Insect form ready for the attack but Darth Maul jumps in to the air and onto the shoulder of Ransack cutting thru his neck. In the blink of an eye Darth Maul jumps from one Insecticon to the next until he is surrounded by the rubble of all 4 of them. Dr. Doom walks up slowly to Maul and says “impressive, Sith warrior you must truly be one of a kind”. “Hmmm, perhaps” Darth Maul says as his apprentice Darth Rave stealthily sneaks up behind Dr. Doom and kills him just as his master had instructed him telepathically. T-3 marches in to battle blowing apart Wingnut and Screwloose, and then stomping Wonder Boy into the ground. But the Arnold look alike Terminator is blown away by Star Fox on a strafing run in his Arwing. Star Fox swings back around to then do it again when his Arwing is clipped by a cannon from the head of cannon man. Star Fox ejects out in the nick of time but his crashing Arwing takes out both Ahmed Best and Pitfall Harry which is unfortunate because they were in the middle of an epic battle. Rob Bartlett seems honored and looks almost happy as he blown away by the wand of Dumbledore. Dumbledore then squares off against Raiden and Kid Thunder. Raiden conjures up all of the electrical power he can but it is easily blocked by the master wizard. Dumbledore directs it back at him with his wand and then adds a spell of his own to take out the Thunder god and his sidekick. Dumbledore does not stop there though as he sends a shot of magic right thru the screen of Game Boy and then vaporizes Wart. Splinter then stealthily jumps out and kicks Dumbledore’s wand out of his hand. Splinter kicks Dumbledore over but Harry flies by on his broomstick and grabs Dumbledore’s wand off of the ground. He then flies overhead and drops the wand to his headmaster allowing Dumbledore to blast Splinter in the chest and finish him off. Bizarro, Nightmare, Ms. Marvel, & Maxima land in front of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to do battle. Although the Ninja Turtles fight much better as a team than the opponents they are up against, they are simply out powered and out-classed by the super heroes as they are one by one taken out by the 4 of them. It is much the same story for The Battletoads as Zit is mauled to death by Iorek Byrnison and Rash is decapitated by the lightsaber of Kaja Sinis. Pimple on the other hand is killed by the wand of Luna Lovegood. Bossk jumps out with his blaster rifle drawn but is met by Dr. Fate. Dr. Fate changes Bossk’s gun into a water bottle and then changes him into a ream of paper. Hannah Montana and Rachel Ray are cruising around in the bat-mobile where the following conversation is taking place. “Like yeah right, no way. There is no way that your voice is raspier or more recognizable than mine is”. Hannah says to the licensed driver allowing her to use her learner’s permit. “O.K., whatever. This is why I only have dogs, and not kids”. They are about to continue arguing further when they notice that they are being chased by Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles. “EEEEEEEEEEE” Miley screams, in true teenage girl fashion at the oncoming sight of anything while in an automobile. Rachel Ray then starts randomly pushing buttons on the dash of the batmobile one of which ignites the rocket boost on the back which sends them going even faster but also burns Knuckles to a crisp due to the fact that he was right behind the booster trying to get on the back of the car. Despite the new speed boost Sonic and Tails still stay with car but Rachel Ray activates the machine guns which riddle Sonic with bullets. Rachel then drops a bomb out of the back of the Batmobile but Tails quickly picks it up and sticks it into the wheel well. Tails then spins his tails around to start flying and watches the Batmobile blow up from the air. Hanibal King, Lady Deathstrike, & Azeem attack The Nightcrawlers and Nocturne. The 3 of them teleport all over the place avoiding there attacks but eventually Lady Deathstrike manages to stick Nocturne in the neck so she can then lend a hand to Hanibal King in finishing off Nightcrawler. Azeem says a quick prayer to himself after he kills Baby Nightcrawler, as he has know idea what matter of little demon he just killed. Despite being not as muscular as the 2 of them, Jimmy Lee faces off against The Williams Sisters. Venus and Serena rush at him with their rackets but Jimmy first drop kicks Venus out of the way before he beats the crap out of Serena. Once Venus comes to she is know match for Jimmy on her own. Crasher crashes into Cannonman, but Capt. Latin America throws his shield threw the head of Scooter. Crasher then transforms into her robot form and steps on Kid Nee. A furious Bottomless Stomach then eats Crasher’s foot in retaliation which makes the her an easy target for Capt. Latin America to finish off. Mulder and Scully figure out that Mappy is useless which kills him while he collecting Easter baskets for Mapico. Nicole Des Jardins Wakefield emanates girl power as she leads Eowyn and Willow against the 10 Giant Hammer Bros. Eowyn somersaults between 2 of them making them hit each other with their hammers and then stabs another one in the chest. Nicole jumps on the head of one but when she tries to do it a second time she finds she had some beginners luck as he pulls out a hammer just before she lands and kills her. Willow unleashes some of her magic and then easily finishes off the other 4. Huma Dragonbane atop his Red Dragon leads Red Dragon #1, Black Dragon #15, and Zok against the 40 Navy Sailors. The Navy Sailors shoot at the underbellies of the dragons with their M-16’s but they don’t do as much damage as they desired. Zok uses his laser tail and eyes to take out 15 of the sailors while Black Dragon #15 covers another 15 of them with its acid breath. After a ridiculous amount of shells are fired The Navy Sailors bring down both of the Red Dragons but not before they use their fire breath to take out a total of 8 of the Sailors. Huma then rolls off of his dragon with his sword in hand and in one quick movement finishes off the 2 remaining Sailors (#62 & 88). After the Syracuse Valley still found themselves short of the desired roster needs for this week’s epic match Ludwig Von Koopa was picked up to fulfill the need. Ludwig in no way minds being on the team and is anxious to earn a permanent spot after being a hero without a home for so long now. He jumps in, and lands directly on Tarra’s head instantly killing her. Zandor and Dorno are anxious to avenge the rampaging Koopa but they are quickly crushed by Bowser’s oldest son as well. It is not until Igoo brings his rock ape hands down onto the neck of Ludwig (three times) that the Koopa is eventually stopped. Prof. Henry Jones Sr. is busy discussing the importance of foreign language in school with Dora and Boots when they are attacked by Boomerang Bros. They quickly take cover under his umbrella but that only deflects one Boomerang. Boomerang Bros. #1 throws his boomerang at Backpack which defeats it but also gets stuck inside of leaving the Boomerang Bros. defenseless for Prof. Jones to (somewhat clumsily) jump on its head. In a last ditch effort Dora consults the map who tells her, Boots, and Dr. Jones to go around the secret way on the ridge. Once they listen to the map to the map to the map to the map to the maaaaaaaap they go back around and find themselves above the 9 remaining Boomerang Bros. This then allows them to easily jump on the heads of the Boomerang Bros. to kill them all. (They did it. They did it they did it hooray. They read the map and they killed the Boomerang Bros. and they did it they did it they did it hooray………….. They________ did it)! Cole Sear sees himself as The Fire Bros. nail him with fire balls but they then find that there fire powers are not as great as they thought as they are easily over-powered by the android Human Torch with some help from Blue Beetle. Chow Yun Fat, James Baldwin (who doesn’t make it out of the fight) and Acklay #1 take a more melee approach as they fight the 9 Hammer Bros. Chow Yun Fat leaps on to the heads of Hammer #2 & 9, with Baldwin taking out #3. The Acklay lets the hammers bounce off of him while he rips the other 6 Hammer Bros. limb from limb. Darth Maul calls his team back together to make their last stand. Darth Maul is not one for words, or even for leadership for that matter so he simply looks back at his team of Star Fox, Darth Rave, Rumble, Frenzy, Lazerbeak, Buzzsaw, Tails, & Jimmy Lee and nods before he runs in toward the much larger force of the Commandos. He uses a force push to rip apart HAL 9000, kills Darth Binks without even breaking stride and then uses his Sith rage to help push his lightsaber thru the thick skin of Black Adam, before Ben Kenobi; backed up by Luminara Unduli, Barress Offee, and Kaja Sinis all with their lightsabers drawn finally finish off the Sith Lord. Darth Rave runs up to grab the double-bladed lightsaber of his fallen master but is quickly dispatched by Kaja Sinis before he can pick it up. Star Fox, compelled by the death of one he admired so much (Darth Maul) yells “Let’s go Valley as he picks up Maul’s lightsaber and sticks it into the gut of Capt. Latin America and then decapitates The Bottomless Stomach. Bail Organa blasts Fox Mcleod in the chest but his battle cry is well received as Rumble and Frenzy lead the other 2 tapes against Angel and Kendra who are only able to take out Laserbeak (killed by Angel) and Buzzsaw (killed by Kendra) before they die. Dumbledore has to conjur up an amazing amount of magic in order to put down the rampaging Rumble. While it takes a full blast of Agamemnon’s artillery to take down Frenzy. Buffy snaps the neck of Jimmy Lee, but Tails still can’t be caught. The crazy little Fox spin kills Leon to death and then tries to do the same to Juda Ben Hur but although he is knocked off his chariot Juda manages to finish off the tough little furry competitor with his sword.
POP-SUPERSTAR HANNAH MONTANA & PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA’S “BEST OF BOTH WORLDS” TOURING BATTALION OF COMMANDOS ARE VICTORIOUS!
The Commandos are Dave Bowman: The Starchild, General Grevious, The Colonial Marines: Apone, Hicks, Gorman, Bishop 341-B, Ferro, Dietrich, Hudson, Spunkmeyer, Drake, Frost, Crowe, & Wierbowski, Ellen Ripley, Agamemnon & Juno, Xerxes, Dante, Tllaloc, Octane, Tracks, Rodimus Prime, (movie) Blackout, Smokescreen, Venom, Ransack, Barrage, Chop Shop, Vindicator, Dr. Doom, Frank Poole, HAL 9000, Angel, Warf, Bizarro Superman, Black Adam, Paralax, Ben Kenobi, Astro-droid #19, Nightmare, Ms. Marvel, Maxima, Mary Marvel, Erasmus, Luminara Unduli, Barress Offee, Dozer #1, Iorek Birnenson, Kaja Sinis, Luna Lovegood, Dr. Fate, Darth Binks, Hanibal King, Lady Deathstrike, Ginny Weasaly, The Pretenders: Captain Latin America, Cannon Man, Bottomless Stomach & Kid Nee, Ardeth Bay, Seraphina Peckala & her daemon, Mulder & Scully, The Human Bomb, Kendra Young, Nicole Des Jardins Wakefield, Hannah Montana & Rachel Ray in the Batmobile, Ahmed Best, Lyra Belaqua w/ Pan, Will Parry w/ Kirjava, Buffy Summers, Spider Man, Leon, Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, Jack Crowe, Rick Deckard, T-3, Shawn Ferrel, V, Riggs & Murtaugh, Dr. Grant & Ellie Sattler in a Land Speeder, Eowyn, Willow Rosenburg, Lazarus Long in an F-22, Xavier Harkonen, Judah Ben Hur, Tarful, Bail Organa, Sydney Pouttier, John Turner, Brangelina w/ Maddox, Pax, Shiloh, Zahara, Vivian, & Knox in a Ferrari 456 GT, Azeem, Starship Trooper #100, IG-88, Zam Wessell, The Herculoids: Zandar, Tarra, Dorno, Zok, Igoo, Tundro, Gloop, & Gleep, Venus & Serena Williams, Dora the Explorer, Boots, Backpack, The Map, Vorian Atreides, Prof. Henry Jones Sr., Acklay #1, Chow Yun Fat, Huma Dragonbane w/ his Red Dragon, Black Dragon #15, Original Human Torch, Blue Beetle, Bashar Miles Teg, Muhammed Ali, James Baldwin, Cole Sear, Jen Linley, & Red Dragon #1.
Jen Linley has a heart attack and dies, but it is O.K. because she has like 12 soul mates. As the 2 teams form up Darth Rave walks up to the Sith Lord that has instructed him his entire career and begins saying “My master, I understand that this may be our final battle together, so I”, but Darth Maul starts force choking his apprentice before he can finish. “Don’t get soft on me now Lord Rave, if this day should be my last than you should be thankful. Your rising above me could happen no other way”. “Lord Maul, Release him, we will be in need of his talents”! Star Fox yells to Darth Maul as he is getting in his Arwing. “Of course”. Darth Maul says as he releases his dark apprentice. Despite their different methods Star Fox and Darth Maul have formed a relationship based on respect that one would almost call a friendship. The dedication that the 2 warriors have to the art of The Sith and to the art of piloting has its similarities and the two of them cannot help but admire each other. Before the Syracuse Valley begins their charge on the well fortified force of the Commandos, Head Coach Mcgruff the Crime Dog stands up before them to say a few inspirational words. They are “Let’s take a bite out of The Commandos”. After this less than creative pep talk Assistant Coaches Menelaus and Agamemnon wave for Master Chief to say a few words before they begin. Maser Chief rides his 4 Wheeler up to the front of the pack and then stands up on the seat. He says: “Members of The Syracuse Valley, I am not great with words and will not beat around the bush, we all know that this has been a rough road to get here. Our victories have been few and far between and we have already seen too many of our friends go to the graveyard this year already. For many of us; ……. Including myself; this very well could be our last battle, and in this battle we will be up against insurmountable odds. According to many outsiders we have little to no chance of defeating the N.L. powerhouse that we are about to go up against, but that is talk that I for one, refuse to listen to. I have but no choice to believe in this team and our ability to defeat any team that attacks us. There is no doubt that if we were to lose this Death Match, that it would decimate our team in a way that no other FFL franchise has ever been decimated, but: if one way tickets to hell are our fate, THAN THE VALLEY SHALL SHOW THEM A TASTE OF HELL ON EARTH BEFORE WE GO”!!! Master Chief pumps his rifle into the air as he finishes his speech which is met by thunderous applause from his team. Master Chief then jumps back on his 4 Wheeler and starts riding in fast toward The Commandos knowing that it is going to take more than a pep rally to defeat the team he is about to attack. Mcgruff and the Assistant coaches attempt to run into battle first to rally the team but Seraphina Peckala jumps out of nowhere with her bow and arrow. She shoots Menelaus in the neck with an arrow and then catches Head Coach Mcgruff in the chest but Agamemnon hits Seraphina’s winged daemon with his sword which finishes them both off. Venom and Spider Man start squaring off with each other right away but we will come back to that while Megatron transforms into his Cybertronian jet form racing into the heart of The Commandos defensive line. The Decepticon leader transforms back into robot form, but is met by Black Adam and Mary Marvel. Megatron, though powerful underestimates the 2 worthless little rotting bags of flesh and does not see it coming as the 2 of them blast thru his chest and then rip out his moving parts with an intense ferocity, and at an amazing speed, leaving the great Megatron nothing but a pile of spare parts. All 50 Kree Soldiers form ranks to begin an offensive when Dr. Doom sees the moment he has been waiting for. He grabs a hold of his own teammate, The Human Bomb and throws him into the area where The Kree have gathered. The Kree form a circle around him, as if they are unsure what to do when, Dr. Doom, now a safe distance away targets his own teammate with some of his armor’s magic. The Human Bomb then blows up, but takes all 50 Kree Soldiers with him. Nobody on either team even attempts to interfere with the dog fight between Lazarus Long and Starscream. The F-22 that is being flown by Long and The Decepticon are nearly identical, and even though Starscream is occasionally transforming back and forth to his robot form, the 2 of them are spinning around each other so rapidly that any bystander would confuse them instantly. Starscream flies in front of Lazarus and transforms trying to blast him with his arm guns but Lazarus Long takes evasive action. The ageless Methuselah smiles to himself as he goes in to a tailspin and says “Ahhh, it’s good to be back in a real plane, I ain’t flown one of these bad boys, since I was 90”. Lazarus then ducks his plane underneath the legs of Starscream and swings back around with a missile at the ready. Lazarus then blasts Starscream in the chest with a perfectly placed missile and extinguishes his spark. The 10 Xenomorphs surround Vindicator and quickly rip apart The Alpha Fighters metal coverings, but they are met by a much more powerful opponent as The Commandos 5 Titan-Cymeks approach them. “These creatures seem slightly advanced over the humans, which we are used to stomping” Tllaloc says to his peers. “more advanced physically than the hethrigir perhaps but still nothing compared to both our intellect and ability” Agamemnon replies. But the 10 Xenomorphs work together and begin attacking Xerxes. They jump onto the Titan and start clawing and biting at the Cymek. “Only a fool like Xerxes would allow himself to be taken in a way like this”. Agamemnon says. Agamemnon then orders all of the Cymeks to take aim at the Xenomorphs on top of Xerxes. Xerxes probably would have survived the attack if the acid blood of the Xenomorphs did not eat right thru him but then Agamemnon would not have gotten his added bonus. Agamemnon the Titan then is drawn to one of the Hethrigir on the field, when he sees the original Agamemnon rushing around with his sword in hand. The Titan grabs him up the Greek with one of his mechanized claws and says to him thru his mechanized speaker box “Well, if it is not the brave (supposed) ancestor of mine whose name I have chosen as my own, I wish to tell you that I am obviously a great admirer of yours. This is truly an honor. You see, despite my amazing power you are one hethrigir that I never in a thousand years thought I would get the honor to kill”. But by the time the last word is uttered the great Greek leader is already dead from the crushing of his internal organs by the powerful cymek claw. Zam Wessell and Starship Trooper #100 are both shooting out the windows of Tracks in his flying Corvette form while they are being chased by Star Fox in his Arwing. The 2 do their best to target the Arwing but Star Fox is too good in the ship that he is just way to familiar with. Tracks tries to get away from him but Star Fox locks on to Tracks and uses his lasers to blow him out of the air. Rayne jumps out with her blades ready to do battle but Buffy and Kendra make such short work of her that it is kind of ridiculous. The 2 slayers then separate and go on small rampages. Buffy is slightly slowed down by Mr. Game & Watch but mows right thru Wald, Beavis, Butthead, and Buttchunk who barely have time to comment on how hot she is and how they can almost see her thingies before she delivers brain rattling kicks to each of their heads. At the end of her mini-kill spree she is met by Guille who looks excited at the prospect of taking on someone who just took out so many of his teammates in such a short period of time. Guille throw a Sonic Boom at her hoping she would jump over it so he could catch her with his reverse leg kick but much to his dismay she ducks under it and delivers a kick of her own to his chest. He jumps back at her but she pulls out a wooden stake and allows him to fall into it chest first on his way down. Kendra Young goes on a mini rampage of her own wiping out the dynamic duo of Sockpin and Doogle. She then makes it a Connecticut tri-fecta by cracking Bran’s neck with her bare hands. Kid Chameleon turns into his samurai form but finds that he is no match for Kendra with a sword as she quickly takes off his samurai war helmet with his head still inside. Sam Malone, Frank the Tank, The Dude from Quackers, Gordon Barbo, Homer Simpson, Navy Sailor #96 & 99, Moritani Soldier #14 have their game of quarter bounce rudely interrupted by Luminara Unduli and Barress Offee who come thru flinging their lightsabers into them on their way to do battle with the Dash Rendar Driven AT-ST. Dash and Leebo try to target the 2 Jedi but Unduli and Offee use their jedi speed to evade the laser blasts. The 2 of them then simultaneously jump on top of the 2 legged vehicle and cut their way inside. Dash tries to put up a fight but the Jedi Master and her former padawan block his hand held blaster bolts and finish off the smuggler and his droid. Master Chief blazes a trail on his 4 Wheeler, more than ready to make his last stand. He runs right over Astro Droid #19 and then shoves a wooden stake into the heart of Angel (it’s a good thing he came prepared), but Warf shoves his triple sided alien blade thing into the tire of the 4 Wheeler which sends The Syracuse Valley leader flying over the handle bars. Master Chief gets up to brush himself off while Warf moves toward him slowly from behind. Warf is about to lunge at him when Master Chief turns around with his rifle in hand and blasts Warf in the face. Master Chief then tries to shoot Ben Kenobi who is now walking toward him as well but Ben blocks the shots with his blaster. “I don’t think so” the aging Jedi Master says. So Master Chief quickly drops his gun and picks up Warf’s weapon. “I never much cared for droids, but I was beginning to take a liking to that one” Obi Wan says to Master Chief about Astro Droid #19 (who was his X-Wing co-pilot last week). “It was nothing personal” Master Chief replies. “Your Master Chief right”? Obi Wan asks. “That’s right Master Kenobi” Master Chief answers. “I see our reputations precede us, now Master Chief; you don’t really think a Jedi Master would take something personal would you”? Ben says as he rushes at Master Chief causing his lightsaber to make blue streaks in the evening air. Master Chief manages to block several of Kenobi’s attacks with Warf’s weapon but in the end it is too much for him as Ben finishes him off with a head shot. Gen. Grevious leads the Colonial Marines against Omega Red. This is this year’s first appearance for The Syracuse Valley Season 1 1st round pick and he shows off how anxious he really is by instantly grabbing a hold of Spunkmeyer and Wierzbowski with his tentacles. Omega Red’s deadly pheromones are released into the 2 marines which quickly kills them both. Omega Red then jumps right into the middle of fighting fiercely, though heavily outnumbered. Omega Red manages to take out Gorman and Ferro as well, but then the remaining marines push him back with their automatic weapons while Grevious finishes him off with 4 lightsabers to the chest. Casey Jones pulls out his goalie stick and yells “I love being a turtle”! (even though he isn’t). As Ellen Ripley launches 2 grenades into his golf bag and blows him to pieces. Dave Bowman pretends like he doesn’t care when his teammates tell him of the FFL rumors of making him this year’s MVP, but I think he is full of cosmic crap. Dave Bowman floats high above the battlefield and begins sucking up opponents as if her were a Syracuse Valley magnet. Balrog #5, Shang Tsung, Black Lightning, Egg Plant Wizard, & Jedi Guardian #3 are all brought up to the sky as if they have no physical control of their actions whatsoever. Once the 5 of them are brought there, The Starchild then simply disappears with all of them simply taking them somewhere else. Brad Pitt does not seem to mind the 6 screaming kids crammed into the small back seat of the Ferrari he is driving, but the nagging wife next to him is driving him crazy. Driving next to them is their teammates, Doctors Grant and Sattler who are having the following conversation: Grant says as he is pointing to the Ferrari “Look at that, you would really still want kids after seeing that fiasco, I can hear them thru the rolled up windows, I mean, come on way to find a way to ruin a drive in a Ferrari”. Ellie replies “Not all kids, Dr. Grant are quite so unruly. You of all people being a scientist should be able to deduce that having that many kids is the problem”. “One or a thousand, I don’t care. It’s all too many”. “Oh Dr. Grant, you are so intriguing, this isn’t about you being jealous because you didn’t get to drive the Ferrari is it”? Ellie asks. Grant replies, “No way, are you kidding me, this Land Speeder is great. As far as I am concerned wheels are extinct (Har-dee har har, giggles all around). Back in the Ferrari: Angelina yells “STOP! DAMMIT BRAD, I said stop! Turn the car around”. “Why what’s the problem”? Brad asks. “WHAT???? Don’t you what’s the problem me turn the damn car around. Didn’t you see that kid back there” Angelina says. “No, what kid. We’re in the middle of a battle here” Brad says. Angelina replies with “So what, there were many battles going on when we kidnapped, I mean adopted Zahara and Vivian”. “We didn’t adopt Vivian” Brad interrupts. “Didn’t I tell you to shut up” Angelina says as she is getting out of the now stopped car. She walks up to Raiden who is with his sidekick Kid Thunder and asks if she can adopt his son but as this is happening Dr. Grant swerves out of the way of Ardeth Bay who is fighting King Hippo and rear ends the stopped Ferrari that Brad has not so intelligently just left parked in the middle of the Battlefield, killing everyone in both vehicles. Angelina shrugs her shoulders and says to Raiden “you see how dangerous this world is, you should let me take your little boy away from here”. But instead Raiden decides to fry her with his lightning powers. Xavier Harkonen uses a small EMP charge on Jazz to disable him while he gets Vorian Atreides, Miles Teg, and Muhammad Ali to help him take the Autobot apart. Rodimus Prime, Smokescreen, Blackout, and Octane surround Soundwave. Rodimus says in his ultimate good guy voice “give yourself up Soundwave”. But Soundwave ejects his tapes and orders them to attack. Soundwave and his original tapes know that this may be their final battle for the Syracuse Valley but they are prepared to go down fighting. Blackout stomps both Slugfest and Overkill into the ground but Lazerbeak and Buzzsaw both use their eye lasers to take down the much bigger Decepticon. Smokescreen grabs a hold of (movie) Frenzy and rips him apart but Ravage jumps onto his stomach and knocks him down, while Ratbat is killed trying to help out with his razor sharp metal teeth. Soundwave then finishes off the Autobot with a laser blast to the chest. Rodimus punches thru the body of Squawk Box on the way to Soundwave who he punches in the chest breaking the cover where his tapes are ejected from and then throwing him on the ground. Rodimus then uses his side arm lasers to blast into the opened stomach of Soundwave and finish him off for good. “NOOOOOO, not Soundwave” Rumble yells as he and Frenzy jump onto the chest of Rodimus Prime and begin pounding there piston converted arms into his chest until the Autobot leader is dead. Octane pulls Ravage off of the dead shell of Smokescreen and breaks the electrode in his neck but he is then killed by the 4 remaining and very enraged tapes. Spider Man has been fighting Venom all this time but Venom is starting to gain the upper hand. Venom is about to bring his powerful hands down onto the neck of Spiderman when he blasted by a shot of magic from the wand of Harry Potter. With just a little help from his friend Harry (no, not that friend Harry, Harry Potter) Spider Man is able to gain the upper hand and finish off Venom once and for all. Will, Kirjava, Lyra, & Pan are having a blast & racking up mad bonus points by jumping on the heads of The Little Goombas, but when Will and Pan both miss and get hit by the fangs of the little whatever they-ares it kills all 4 of them. Jack Crowe and Rick Deckard learn how it is done though and avenge their little friends by finishing off the last 8 Goombas on their way to help V and Riggs & Murtaugh fight the 14 remaining Moritani Soldiers. The Moritani activate their shields but Bashar Miles Teg has taught everybody on The Commandos enough about shield fighting to know at least the basics. V is already great with knives so he has no problem taking out 6 of them on his own, before he is stabbed by the Moritani #3 & 8 combo. Murtaugh is killed by Moritani #1 but Riggs, Crowe, & Deckard manage to take out the rest of them. Moritani #1 is then thought to be dead but is sneaking up on the Commandos waiting for the perfect time to strike, when Shawn Ferrell rushes in to heal V. Once V comes to he throws his knife, not at the Moritani because he knows that the thrown blade will not get thru his shield but to Riggs who catches it and then allows the slow blade to penetrate the shield and kill the final Moritani Soldier. Glass Joe, Jax, and Jonny Cage’s shirtless bodies are glistening in the moonlight as Paralax flies by filling their hearts with fear and their bodies with death. Ardeth Bay won the fight against King Hippo by the way, for all you people who were still on the edge of your seat about it. Darth Maul decides that it is his time to go off as he sheds his black cloak and ignites his double-bladed lightsaber. The 4 giant Insecticons stand on the ground in their Insect form ready for the attack but Darth Maul jumps in to the air and onto the shoulder of Ransack cutting thru his neck. In the blink of an eye Darth Maul jumps from one Insecticon to the next until he is surrounded by the rubble of all 4 of them. Dr. Doom walks up slowly to Maul and says “impressive, Sith warrior you must truly be one of a kind”. “Hmmm, perhaps” Darth Maul says as his apprentice Darth Rave stealthily sneaks up behind Dr. Doom and kills him just as his master had instructed him telepathically. T-3 marches in to battle blowing apart Wingnut and Screwloose, and then stomping Wonder Boy into the ground. But the Arnold look alike Terminator is blown away by Star Fox on a strafing run in his Arwing. Star Fox swings back around to then do it again when his Arwing is clipped by a cannon from the head of cannon man. Star Fox ejects out in the nick of time but his crashing Arwing takes out both Ahmed Best and Pitfall Harry which is unfortunate because they were in the middle of an epic battle. Rob Bartlett seems honored and looks almost happy as he blown away by the wand of Dumbledore. Dumbledore then squares off against Raiden and Kid Thunder. Raiden conjures up all of the electrical power he can but it is easily blocked by the master wizard. Dumbledore directs it back at him with his wand and then adds a spell of his own to take out the Thunder god and his sidekick. Dumbledore does not stop there though as he sends a shot of magic right thru the screen of Game Boy and then vaporizes Wart. Splinter then stealthily jumps out and kicks Dumbledore’s wand out of his hand. Splinter kicks Dumbledore over but Harry flies by on his broomstick and grabs Dumbledore’s wand off of the ground. He then flies overhead and drops the wand to his headmaster allowing Dumbledore to blast Splinter in the chest and finish him off. Bizarro, Nightmare, Ms. Marvel, & Maxima land in front of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to do battle. Although the Ninja Turtles fight much better as a team than the opponents they are up against, they are simply out powered and out-classed by the super heroes as they are one by one taken out by the 4 of them. It is much the same story for The Battletoads as Zit is mauled to death by Iorek Byrnison and Rash is decapitated by the lightsaber of Kaja Sinis. Pimple on the other hand is killed by the wand of Luna Lovegood. Bossk jumps out with his blaster rifle drawn but is met by Dr. Fate. Dr. Fate changes Bossk’s gun into a water bottle and then changes him into a ream of paper. Hannah Montana and Rachel Ray are cruising around in the bat-mobile where the following conversation is taking place. “Like yeah right, no way. There is no way that your voice is raspier or more recognizable than mine is”. Hannah says to the licensed driver allowing her to use her learner’s permit. “O.K., whatever. This is why I only have dogs, and not kids”. They are about to continue arguing further when they notice that they are being chased by Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles. “EEEEEEEEEEE” Miley screams, in true teenage girl fashion at the oncoming sight of anything while in an automobile. Rachel Ray then starts randomly pushing buttons on the dash of the batmobile one of which ignites the rocket boost on the back which sends them going even faster but also burns Knuckles to a crisp due to the fact that he was right behind the booster trying to get on the back of the car. Despite the new speed boost Sonic and Tails still stay with car but Rachel Ray activates the machine guns which riddle Sonic with bullets. Rachel then drops a bomb out of the back of the Batmobile but Tails quickly picks it up and sticks it into the wheel well. Tails then spins his tails around to start flying and watches the Batmobile blow up from the air. Hanibal King, Lady Deathstrike, & Azeem attack The Nightcrawlers and Nocturne. The 3 of them teleport all over the place avoiding there attacks but eventually Lady Deathstrike manages to stick Nocturne in the neck so she can then lend a hand to Hanibal King in finishing off Nightcrawler. Azeem says a quick prayer to himself after he kills Baby Nightcrawler, as he has know idea what matter of little demon he just killed. Despite being not as muscular as the 2 of them, Jimmy Lee faces off against The Williams Sisters. Venus and Serena rush at him with their rackets but Jimmy first drop kicks Venus out of the way before he beats the crap out of Serena. Once Venus comes to she is know match for Jimmy on her own. Crasher crashes into Cannonman, but Capt. Latin America throws his shield threw the head of Scooter. Crasher then transforms into her robot form and steps on Kid Nee. A furious Bottomless Stomach then eats Crasher’s foot in retaliation which makes the her an easy target for Capt. Latin America to finish off. Mulder and Scully figure out that Mappy is useless which kills him while he collecting Easter baskets for Mapico. Nicole Des Jardins Wakefield emanates girl power as she leads Eowyn and Willow against the 10 Giant Hammer Bros. Eowyn somersaults between 2 of them making them hit each other with their hammers and then stabs another one in the chest. Nicole jumps on the head of one but when she tries to do it a second time she finds she had some beginners luck as he pulls out a hammer just before she lands and kills her. Willow unleashes some of her magic and then easily finishes off the other 4. Huma Dragonbane atop his Red Dragon leads Red Dragon #1, Black Dragon #15, and Zok against the 40 Navy Sailors. The Navy Sailors shoot at the underbellies of the dragons with their M-16’s but they don’t do as much damage as they desired. Zok uses his laser tail and eyes to take out 15 of the sailors while Black Dragon #15 covers another 15 of them with its acid breath. After a ridiculous amount of shells are fired The Navy Sailors bring down both of the Red Dragons but not before they use their fire breath to take out a total of 8 of the Sailors. Huma then rolls off of his dragon with his sword in hand and in one quick movement finishes off the 2 remaining Sailors (#62 & 88). After the Syracuse Valley still found themselves short of the desired roster needs for this week’s epic match Ludwig Von Koopa was picked up to fulfill the need. Ludwig in no way minds being on the team and is anxious to earn a permanent spot after being a hero without a home for so long now. He jumps in, and lands directly on Tarra’s head instantly killing her. Zandor and Dorno are anxious to avenge the rampaging Koopa but they are quickly crushed by Bowser’s oldest son as well. It is not until Igoo brings his rock ape hands down onto the neck of Ludwig (three times) that the Koopa is eventually stopped. Prof. Henry Jones Sr. is busy discussing the importance of foreign language in school with Dora and Boots when they are attacked by Boomerang Bros. They quickly take cover under his umbrella but that only deflects one Boomerang. Boomerang Bros. #1 throws his boomerang at Backpack which defeats it but also gets stuck inside of leaving the Boomerang Bros. defenseless for Prof. Jones to (somewhat clumsily) jump on its head. In a last ditch effort Dora consults the map who tells her, Boots, and Dr. Jones to go around the secret way on the ridge. Once they listen to the map to the map to the map to the map to the maaaaaaaap they go back around and find themselves above the 9 remaining Boomerang Bros. This then allows them to easily jump on the heads of the Boomerang Bros. to kill them all. (They did it. They did it they did it hooray. They read the map and they killed the Boomerang Bros. and they did it they did it they did it hooray………….. They________ did it)! Cole Sear sees himself as The Fire Bros. nail him with fire balls but they then find that there fire powers are not as great as they thought as they are easily over-powered by the android Human Torch with some help from Blue Beetle. Chow Yun Fat, James Baldwin (who doesn’t make it out of the fight) and Acklay #1 take a more melee approach as they fight the 9 Hammer Bros. Chow Yun Fat leaps on to the heads of Hammer #2 & 9, with Baldwin taking out #3. The Acklay lets the hammers bounce off of him while he rips the other 6 Hammer Bros. limb from limb. Darth Maul calls his team back together to make their last stand. Darth Maul is not one for words, or even for leadership for that matter so he simply looks back at his team of Star Fox, Darth Rave, Rumble, Frenzy, Lazerbeak, Buzzsaw, Tails, & Jimmy Lee and nods before he runs in toward the much larger force of the Commandos. He uses a force push to rip apart HAL 9000, kills Darth Binks without even breaking stride and then uses his Sith rage to help push his lightsaber thru the thick skin of Black Adam, before Ben Kenobi; backed up by Luminara Unduli, Barress Offee, and Kaja Sinis all with their lightsabers drawn finally finish off the Sith Lord. Darth Rave runs up to grab the double-bladed lightsaber of his fallen master but is quickly dispatched by Kaja Sinis before he can pick it up. Star Fox, compelled by the death of one he admired so much (Darth Maul) yells “Let’s go Valley as he picks up Maul’s lightsaber and sticks it into the gut of Capt. Latin America and then decapitates The Bottomless Stomach. Bail Organa blasts Fox Mcleod in the chest but his battle cry is well received as Rumble and Frenzy lead the other 2 tapes against Angel and Kendra who are only able to take out Laserbeak (killed by Angel) and Buzzsaw (killed by Kendra) before they die. Dumbledore has to conjur up an amazing amount of magic in order to put down the rampaging Rumble. While it takes a full blast of Agamemnon’s artillery to take down Frenzy. Buffy snaps the neck of Jimmy Lee, but Tails still can’t be caught. The crazy little Fox spin kills Leon to death and then tries to do the same to Juda Ben Hur but although he is knocked off his chariot Juda manages to finish off the tough little furry competitor with his sword.
POP-SUPERSTAR HANNAH MONTANA & PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA’S “BEST OF BOTH WORLDS” TOURING BATTALION OF COMMANDOS ARE VICTORIOUS!
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