Season 5, Week 7: Better Than All of You vs. Brotherhood of Evil Midgets

“Arrogance is not a uniquely American trait, but you do it better than most.”
 -Red Skull

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 7 Match located in Las Vegas.  They are as follows:

Better Than All of You: Nick Fury, Quasar, Red Skull, Blues Brothers with Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow's kitana blades, Angel Salvadore, Black Lantern Ben Kenobi, Revan, Darth Marr, Darth Voaran, Rogue, Predator #11 with green lightsaber, Pitfall Harry, Yellow Lantern #1, Iron Suit Spiderman on Oscorp glider, Symbiote Suit Spiderman with indigo lantern ring, Deathlok with green lightsaber and Ninja Pirate #3.

Brotherhood of Evil Midgets: Nosyarg kcid (Larry), Ch'p and Dr. Ub' x, Skimmell (with a zapper), Hermes, Spider-Ham, Michelle Dessler and Tony Almeida, Bultar Swan, Oppo Rancisis, Aayla Secura, Bontu Sitmus, Widdle Wade, Impossible Man, White Lantern Hal Jordan (with red lantern ring, Alan Scott's magical green lantern ring and Guy Gardner's yellow lantern ring), Pythona (with Asajj Ventress' 2 red lightsabers), Blue Lantern #1 and The Phoenix Force.

Nighttime. . . Let the battle begin. . .

Treasure Island. . .

Fireworks spout above the pirate ship which lodges in the lagoon in front of the hotel. Ninja Pirate #3 walks the deck of the vessel and feels at home.  He sees a woman climbing a rope attached to his ship’s hull from a boat moored below.  As Michelle Dessler lifts her head above the rail, Ninja Pirate #3 slices her throat.   Tony Almeida sees his wife’s body fall into the water below.  Almeida storms the boat and pulls out his gun.

Tony Almeida:  You may not remember me, my name's Tony Almeida and this morning you killed my wife Michelle Dessler. She was my life, and you took her away, and now I’m gonna take yours.

With his speech now out of the way, Almeida shoots and kills Ninja Pirate #3 before NP3 can perform any of his acrobatic moves. 

Across the pirate schooner, Pitfall Harry uses the ship’s rigging to swing across the boat.  He focuses on Skimmell, who is moving around the upper deck.  Before Skimmel can take out his zapper, Pitfall Harry uses the ropes and wraps them around Skimmel’s neck.  Pitfall Harry then leaps off the bow and the lasso around Skimmel’s head rips it clean off.  As Harry swings down from the rafters, he is crushed by a Blue Lantern #1 projectile. 

Mirage. . .

The volcano’s fiery waters burst forth into the air.  While the lights shine about this attraction, other lights are also seen- those of the multi-colored lightsabers swishing in the night’s air.  Bultar Swan, Oppo Rancisis, Aayla Secura and Bontu Sitmus battle Revan, Darth Marr and Darth Voaran.  The lightsaber battle is intense between the teams’ Jedi and Sith.  Although Aayla Secura is lithe, Darth Marr is able to eventually kill the blue Twi-lek.  In response to their teammate’s death, Bultar Swan and Oppo Rancisis combine their skills and strike Darth Marr down.  Revan, the sprinkling of both Jedi and Sith pouring through his veins, kills Bultar Swan and Oppo Rancisis with the assistance of Darth Voaran.  Revan and Voaran focus their attention on Yoda’s former master.  The superior Bontu Sitmus bests Darth Voaran, but now injured, falls to Revan.   Revan senses that something is wrong with the volcano and begins to race from the area.  He is not faster than the Phoenix Force which rises from the volcano and decimates Revan where he stands. 

Caesars. . .

The statuary around the villa portion of the complex is filled with combatants.   Dr. Ub’x uses his “Sucker Stick” and his body becomes pure energy.  The Ub’x energy force rips through Yellow Lantern #1.  YL1 attempts to shake off his disorientation, but is destroyed by Ch’p before he can gain his wits.  Ub’x, mission now accomplished, transforms back into his solid state only to be killed by Predator #11’s green lightsaber.   Widdle Wade jumps off of the statue of one of the gods onto Predator #11.  Wade slices into and kills the beast.

Widdle Wade: 私はモンスターを空から死亡した。 私のコック吸う !  [English translation: I have killed you monster from the skies!  Suck my c#ck!]

Rio. . .

The Blues Brothers stand in the attraction room of the hotel, wielding their kitana blades.  They uncomfortably stand next to the Red Skull.  The Blues Brothers whisper to themselves.

Elwood:  Vegas Nazis.

Jake:  I hate Vegas Nazis.

Nick Fury walks alongside his teammates and draws his weapons.  He stands in between the two brothers.  The Blues are each shot in the head by Fury and fall to the ground.  Red Skull hears a “pop” as the Impossible Man is removed from his Fury disguise. Iron Suit Spiderman rides his Oscorp glider and Symbiote Suit Spiderman uses his ring.  The two combine their powers, abilities and weaponry to destroy Impossible Man. Spider-Ham swings across the Rio’s showroom, looking forward to entering the fight.  SH is shredded apart by the Red Skull and the “true” Nick Fury who has come to the scene. 

Red Skull:  Shredded pork is my favorite.

Nick Fury:  Along with barbeque sauce and coleslaw-a fantastic sandwich.

As the two contemplate their lunch for the day, Hermes races to the event and in only seconds, snaps the necks of both Fury and Skull; a master-of-espionage and super-soldier is still no match for a god.

Bellagio. . .

The fountains in front of the hotel rhythmically spout into the air to the tune of “Ebony and Ivory” while Black Lantern Ben Kenobi faces White Lantern Hal Jordan.  Although Kenobi is an experienced character, the combination of lantern rings best the BL Jedi in only a matter of moments.  Pythona’s skill with her two lightsabers manages to wound Deathlok, but Angel Salvadore comes to the assistance of the cyborg and the duo is too much for the assassin; Pythona is killed.  Larry stands near the fountain and does not notice Rogue.  Rogue touches Larry and she saps him of all his extra-dimensional powers.  This strain kills Larry.  The dimensional powers are too much for Rogue and her body’s systems overload.  Although Rogue dies, she manages to focus Larry’s powers to enable reality to be warped whereby Quasar, using his quantum bands, manages to kill White Lantern Hal Jordan. 

Final Battle. . . Monte Carlo. . .

Quasar, Iron Suit Spiderman, Angel Salvadore, Symbiote Suit Spiderman and Deathlok face Ch'p, Hermes, Tony Almeida, Widdle Wade, Blue Lantern #1 and The Phoenix Force.  A heartbroken Almeida is sliced in two by Deathlok.  Blue Lantern #1, with an assist from Ch’p, manages to destroy the glider and Iron Suit Spiderman along with it.  Angel Salvadore is killed by Blue Lantern #1 and Widdle Wade.

Widdle Wade: 混乱は私と雌ないでください ! 私は私の目の前に来たハッカーは、 !   [English Translation: Don't mess with me b%$ch!  I kill all the whores who come before me!]

Quasar destroys Ch’p and Blue Lantern #1 in only a matter of moments.  Deathlok is killed by Hermes.  Quasar controls his entire essence and bursts with enough cosmic powers to destroy Hermes.  The Phoenix Force, once again, saves the day for the Midgets and disintegrates Quasar and Symbiote Spiderman. 

Widdle Wade: すべてのそれは吸う ! 私は生き残った ! 私は生き残った !  [English Translation: Suck it all!  I survived!  I survived!]

Season 5 week 7- The Commandos vs The Tijuana Taco Benders

Miley "Doesn't my collarbone look sexy!" Cyrus & President Barack "Forward" Obama's "Best of Both World's" Touring Battalion of Commandos team are
Earth 2 Superman
Kingdom Come Superman
Leon the Professional w/despotellis' yellow ring
Katniss Everdeen w/green lantern ring
Jack Crowe w/red light saber
Luminara Unduli w/blue lantern ring
Barress Offee
Movie Jetfire w/Indigo ring
Carslie Cullen w/Star Sapphire ring
Norma Cenva w/green lantern ring
The Captain (Immell #5: Captain America mixed with Steve Yzerman) w/Captain Amercia's Shield
White Lantern Deadman
Black Lantern Neo
Heimdall
The Atom
Zombie Wonder Girl
Dr. Fate
Jen Linley
Doozer #13

Tijuana Taco Benders are
Technet Team: Body Bag, China Doll, Elmo, Ferro, Ferro 2, Joyboy, Numbers, Ring Toss, Scatterbrain, Thug, Waxworks, Yap, and Hard-Boiled
Reavers: Donald Pierce, Pretty Boy, Bonebreaker, Skullbuster, Cole, Macon, and Reece
Lady Deathstrike
Deadpool Team: Kid Deadpool, Lady Deadpool, Kidpool, and Dogpool
Watchdog’s #2 - #10
Rohrim #1 - #6
Decepticon Decoy #1 - #5
HIVE Academy:Jinx, Gizmo,Mammoth, See-More, and Private Hive
Junkeon #15 and #16 – 40
Force Adept #6 – 15


Ffffffuuuuuuu-. My achin' head. Ow. And ass. My achin' ass. Christ, arrggghh. What the hell happened?

I remember, I remember 'porting in to Vegas. I remember the fight starting at the casino. The blonde. I remember the blonde coming up and offering me a drink Then, just flashes.


God, I need aspirin. Why does my ass hurt so bad? What did I do?

Ok, focus. Had the drink. What happened while I had the drink with the blonde? The old men! I remember the old men fighting those weird alien dudes. Tech-something? I know the green one tried eating one, but puked him up and said something about his costume being synthetic? Is that right? I know then they weird guy with the arms kept touching the King Coming Super-Man? Was that old dude a pornstar? I know the other old dude was caught in some rings while he was out. There was talk of Elmo, Numbers, and Hard-Boiled already being killed by the porn guy and then some little person flew in his head and exploded his brain?

That just sounds stupid. Is that right?  DAMN! What happened to my ass? God, it feels like my iintestines are on fire.

What else? After the porno dude died, the other old guy woke up, got pissed and f**kin' wrecked everyone else in the Techs. Then me and the blonde staggered off, she got me another drink and laughed about "All that gore being so-so hot!"

What else? That black dude Neo! I kinda remember him just trashing some guys the Rovers? And some robot guys.  That one robot who had a goofy staff helped Neo.

The chick with the nails! She was badass! Wasn't she? She killed a dude with a lightsaber, a dude with a pink ring and that zombie. Wait, she was a zombie? Then there was a yellow blast from nowhere and she was just ashes.

Those goofs in the matching pajamas kept saying something? What was it? "Did we really think we had a chance?"  "He's watching his two favorite, stupid characters. We're beyond f**ked"

The hell?

Ugh I gotta puke.

The pajama gang took out a captain? And they went after  this other dude who's jammies looked like theirs, but his had a creepy white mask. He fired a white beam as he died. Then, wait. The pornstar came back! But he died? He couldn't have? He was pissed and just went crazy. He took out the pajama gang and some Rohr-?

I dunno. I just know I'm gonna be si-.

Wait.

What was that? A toilet flush? Who's here with me?

"Hey, lover. How'd you sleep?"

The blonde!

"Uh, hey...beautiful." Smooth cover "What you up to?"

"Oh, just cleaning up after last night, we had quite the time."

Holy. S**t. Is she hot. Make this happen dude. hit her with the best you got.

"Ready for more?" Come on, nut up. Ignore the pain in your guts, and get your nut, then leave.

"Oh, sorry sexy. I'm about through with you, we got a match to win"

What? "What?"

suddenly The Atom bursts through Watchdog #8's chest like a chestburster from 'Aliens'

"Christ, Jen!" he exclaims "Did I really have to go in through his butthole? You're a freak!"

"Shut up. You loved it. You're dirty, you're a dirty, dirty boy." purrs Jen Linley "And now that you've been inside him, how about getting inside me."

"What about the match?" smirks the Atom as he unbuckles his shape changing belt

"What's left to say? We have two Supermen, Dr Fate, and a bunch of colored rings.  We may lose a few more guys, but I'm sure we'll be fine."

"But, but" stammers The Atom.

"Baby. This team is about to go seven and oh. Now get over here and make me got oh seven times." the temptress from the Creek urges.

"Yes, ma'am!" exclaims the Atom as he and Jen collapse onto the bed as the match rages on outside. Dr Fate screams in agony as he is killed by the Force adepts, while Jen and the Atom scream in excstacy ignorant to the battle raging outside them.

Jen and the Atom finally fall to the ground- exhausted as the final Taco Bender, Mammoth, is killed by Katniss Everdeen's green ring.

Jen gets up and surveys the carnage outside. Spotting black lantern Neo. She smiles to herself "Hmmm. I hear Joey hooked up with some white guy earlier this year. Maybe I'll have to show her why once you go black, you never go back" and the teen sexual predator begins to stalk her next victim.

Recent Trades

There have been a couple trades that have gone down recently in the league. Here are their details.

Miley & Barack's Commandos acquire from Tijuana Taco Benders: Black Lantern Set.
Tijuana Taco Benders acquire from the Commandos: Movie Devestator, Kaja Sinis, and the Commandos' Season Six 1st & 2nd Round Draft Picks.

Beckerman's Backyardigans Beeyaatches acquire from Team Sleeping Pussy: Korvac.
Team Sleeping Pussy acquire from the Backyardigans: Wesley Windam Price, Tunnel Rat, Xena Onatopp, Western Ghost Rider, Johnny Blaze, Two Face, Droid Fighter Ship #13 and Droid Fighter Ship #14.

Week Six Standings

FFL "Spoiler Sport"- Week Six Wrap Up

As we end what's been dubbed "Hal Jordan Week" here in the FFL, I'm Cotton McKnight and THIS is "Spoiler Sport" on ESPN 8- The Ocho!

We kick off with our only non-Hal Jordan related story, the streak continues! Defending FFL Champions "Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve" became the latest name to fall to the seemingly unstoppable force that is " 'Pop Superstar' Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos". Things looked tough for the Commandos, but in the end the trio of Earth Two Superman,Katniss Everdeen w/ green lantern ring, and White Lantern Deadman were just too much for the Kennelz to handle. Will see if Lady Luck will continue to smile on the Commandos, or if she'll finally run out as they head to Vegas to face the still win less "Tijuana Taco Benders".

Now, to Hal Jordan week. The cocky pilot made a big splash this week, propelling both "Logical Genocide" and "The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets" to victories in various color incarnations, but it was the version of Jordan that plays for "The Horsemen of Apokolips" that created the biggest stir.

The Parallax Hal Jordan's woes began when his was the final Horsemen to fall, causing his team to suffer a devastating, and shocking loss to "Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies". In her ninth and final death, Powerpuff Girl and veteran Murderfly Bubbles exploited the mental state of Jordan to cause him to lose focus and ultimately fall to Teddy Roosevelt's green lantern ring. After this, according to Hildy Johnson and the "Fantasy Press". Jordan was later arrested at a motel with some questionable company after an altercation took place between Jordan and his companions. No word yet on any possible action to be taken against Jordan or if he'll be playing in Vegas when his team faces "Logical Genocide". 

Parallax Hal Jordan is now at his 9th death, which is a scary thought considering that your final death is when most players have the match of their lives. Within in the last two weeks alone this season, we've seen 9 deather Kang blow up the Play Off Planet,  the Silver Surfer  almost single handedly destroy the Tijuana Taco Benders, and of course the path of destruction and mind games that Bubbles used to eek out a win for her team. Who knows the chaos that an overpowered Hal Jordan with nothing left to lose will unleash.

That's it for this week, join us in week seven as we head to Vegas and see who's gonna win big and who's gonna want what happens in Vegas to stay in Vegas. For the Ocho- I'm Cotton McKnight. Thank you, and good night.

Logical Genocide Vs. Xavier's Annihilation Squad

Logical Genocide is Goro (w/ a yellow lantern ring), Yellow and Orange Lantern Hal Jordan, Red Lantern and Star Sapphire Guy Gardner, Indigo Lantern John Stewart, Blue Lantern Kyle Rayner, Ion, Adam Strange, Az-Rel and Nadira, Cosmic Spider-Man, Titan Maximum, Red Lantern #2, Starman, The Ray, The Champion of the Universe, and Han Solo: Rogue Jedi w/ Jedi Master #28, Fozzy Bear (w/ a Legion Flight Ring), and Immell #8 (Shannon Flare) in The Starship Casino.

Xavier's Annihilation Squad is Astro-Boy, The Eradicator, Orion, Romat Ru, Apollo, Supreme, The Astronomer, The Q Continuum: Q, Q-2, True Q, and Lady Q, Yellow Lantern Fatality, Ideon, and Black Lantern Albus Dumbledore.

It is so nice as a writer.... I mean Watcher, who merely witnesses catasrophic battles take place on a weekly basis and reports on what I see to be able to write... Dammit... Witness a space battle where both competitors truly put up nothing but true space worthy characters... Congrats to you both (I know I am sarcastic most of the time, but I actually am giving a serious compliment to you both for once).

The Qs and The (Marvel) Elder known as The Astronomer rest comfortably on a nearby asteroid and discuss whether or not they should simply win this battle instantly, or let it play out. The Qs are of course siding on he side of patience and have no desire to rush anything, although they do decide rather quickly that they do not agree with The Astronomer and politely ask him to leave and find his own asteroid; which he does. In the Starship Casino they are prepping themselves for battle, and by prepping themselves for battle, I mean making snide comments to one another.

Han Solo says: “Come on Fozzy, set 2-7-1. Let's get in this fight”.

“Hurry up and get us in the mix of this battle before I grow impatient and run you through”. Says the clone of Shannon Pilkinton and Tyrius Flare.

“I'll run your face through” says Han in retort which sends Fozzy in to uproarious laughter.

“We must focus, get your thoughts where they need to be, we have a battle to win” says Master Oram (Jedi Master #28).

Han says: “What?!!? Don't tell me what to do you old fogie. I bet you think you know how to wield that lightsaber at your side but your skills haven't got bantha fodder on mine. I'm Han Solo mixed up with Obi Wan Kenobi before that name was even created. I'm a flash-light wielding, force throwin, pilot, swordsmen like this universe has never scene. And considering the fact that I have a muppet sitting next to me, that basically makes me just like Ham Salad from Hardware Wars as well. So, basically I am every imaganing of Han Solo ever conceived, popped in to a character that has never been explained outside a half a dozen drawings and an action figure, being written by a total Han Solo slappy (me... Josh) at 5:00 in the morning. In other words, I am an unstoppable effing character, so don't mess with me son, or this bleep will blow up like a Hutt Family Reunion.

“Right... I'll keep that in mind” says Master Oram.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Fozzy said “Waka waka waka” somewhere in there.

The combatants are thrown in together closely to start this battle, and neither team waste any time going for the other side's big guns. Kryptonian Power (and things like it) seem to be at a premium on both sides as they both show off some “super-skills, super-quick”. Az-rel and Nadira, the Kryptonian “Bonny and Clyde” quickly “steal” the spines of The Astronomer and Ideon as they rocket directly through the both of them. Other the other side, The Eradicator eradicates every last working circuit on Titan Maximum with enough heat vision to melt my ex-wife's icy stare. There is nothing strange about the way Supreme supremely takes out Adam Strange and his rad looking laser gun in a matter of seconds. Black Lantern Dumbledore jacks up Starman with an entire buttload of black energy, magical, evilness; while his teammate the god Orion turns The Ray in to nothing more than a glimmer with his godlike godliness. Astro-boy is just so happy to get the start to be away from his s.t.d. Infected teammate NFG Mike, but he isn't that happy to crushed by the Hulk like strength of Cosmic Spider-Man.

Jimba: The Crimson Kangeroo (AKA: Red Lantern #2) proves that she is not quite as adept with her lantern abilities, as she is overpowered by Romat Ru and his yellow ring. But Yellow Lantern Fatality doesn't fare quite as well, when she is targeted by the weapons systems of The Starship Casino.

Shannon Flare blasts her with 2 proton torpedos which prompts Han to say: “Great ouwork cloney!! But don't get cocky”. Not that the Immell said anything cocky or otherwise in the first place.

Which leads me to my next thought of... Where the hell did this ring come from? Oh, that's right I put it there... ...And in this corner weighing in at 4 million fanboys and hailing from about a half a dozen random appearances in all of comic books... Apollo!! And in this corner... The Champion of the Underworld weighing in at however much more than normal a person with an extra set of arms would weigh. Hailing from that gross unnamed place where humans apparently breed with dragons... Goro!! Get ready for... NOT SO MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!!!!

Mean Gene: Goro is really glowing with yellow energy today. I think he is really getting the hang of that ring.

Ventura: Yeah, getting the hang of cheating. Which he already knew how to do by having more arms than everybody else.

Okerlund: Oh come on Jesse, everybody has their own powers which give them certain advantages.

Ventura: WHAT!??! You would think that was an okay advantage you bald idiot. That's probably why you like Goro, cuz you're both bald idiots... Huh Okerland, isn't that right?? That because you are probably having his ¾ human ¼ dragon love child you dragon-banging homo. Leave it to a bald, retarded dragon lover to root for a all out scum bag like Goro.

Gene: You're bald to ya know... And a bit racist... Anyways. Here comes a body slam by Apollo.

Ventura: Don't change the subject by trying to talk about this stupid match. You stupid ass. Don't make me start screaming conspiracy until even normal people, non-paranoid people start to believe me. I'll even lie about being a Navy SEAL again if that is what I have to do to keep you from talking about this stupid match.

Mean: And it looks like Apollo has broken Goro's neck and finished him off for good.

Ventura: This ain't over yet Okerlund I'll feed your mom to a dragon if you like them so much, and you can watch and then maybe that's how you can get your molly's dried.

Okerlund: What does that even mean? And here comes THE CHAMPION!!

The Champion of The Universe then comes running down the aisle and tramples both Ventura and Okerlund (thank God. I know). To avenge his teammate Goro. Apollo swings at him with a solar-powered fist but The Champ blocks it and brings him down hard with a “Bo to the Dome”. Logical Genocide's first Rounder from last year then picks up Apollo and gives him a pile-driver to shatter his back and neck. The Q's then board the Starship Casino and begin gambling away their credits. Q hits the roulette table (best odds), while Q2 and True Q hit up Three Card Poker and Black Jack. Lady Q begins blowing her whole wad on the slot machines (of course).

Han asks his Motley clone/muppet/jedi crew what they should do and they decide that they should probably go and talk to them. But we will return to this once we get some more hardcore battling out of the way. The Crayola Crew enters the battle, but splits up rather quickly. Blue Lantern Kyle Rayner charges up Ion Kyle Rayner's green ring to more than 200% and the two of them go up against The Eradicator. While Guy Gardner uses his pink and red axes to combine entity powers and take out Black Lantern Dumbledore. Romat Ru squares off against Hal Jordan but he finds that his lantern wielding skills pale in comparison to Hal's, not to mention that he has twice as many rings. Hal doesn't even use the orange ring which once belonged to Larfleeze. He keeps it a strictly yellow against yellow battle and still takes out Romat Ru with relative ease.

John Stewart teams with The Champion of the Universe, Az-rel and Nadira to combat Image's Superman rip-off Supreme. Az-rel and Nadira don't mind fighting dirty as they come up behind Supreme and start wailing on him, while The Champion and Stewart attack him from the front. Supreme gets Az-rel in a wicked headlock and manages to not only pull his head clean off but to then uses it to shove down The Champion of the Universe's throat to kill him as well. Supreme looks defiantly at his last two remaining attackers until John Stewart channels all of the residual lantern energy in the area from both teams and concentrates it at Supreme in the form of a giant bullet. This puts a hole directly through the chest of Supreme, who is then finished off by a massive uppercut from Nadira. Cosmic Spider-Man leads the charge of Hal Jordan, Guy Gardner, John Stewart, and Nadira to help out the two Kyle Rayners against The Eradicator, but by the time they get there The Eradicator has already crushed the two of them together to form Turquois Lantern Kyle Rayner; who would be an awesome character for next year's draft list if he wasn't a dead body. The Eradicator is outnumbered 5 to 1 but The L-Gers have no illusions that this is going to be an easy victory. They surround The Eradicator and prepare for a skirmish that they know they will not all survive.

So, with that hella-sweet cliff-hanger of a sentence drilled in to your heads, we will go back to The Starship Casino, where a “to the death” Sabacc Elimination Tournament is going on between The Q's, Han, Oram, Flare, and Fozzy. The Q's have decided that they will allow themselves to be defeated if they the members of Logical Genocide can defeat them in a game of Sabacc. Han Solo managed to use the Jedi mind trick to not reveal that he is a sabacc expert. The first person eliminated from the game is Oram (who the hell goes all in on a pair of p's)? Next out of the game is Lady Q (sorry, but woman suck at cards whether they are omnipotent or not), and next is True Q (ya know cause he sucks at bluffing). Q and Q2 on the other hand are both top notch players who are simply toying with The Logical Genocide Crew. The two members of The Continuum easily take out Flare; but then Q actually eliminates Q2, even though they share each other's thoughts, so it is unclear to me whether or not he will just bring him back should he win the game.

The Eradicator deflects the energy shot at him by John Stewart from the powers of the other lanterns and then uses Nadira's face as his own personal bludgeoning weapon to exact revenge for the “tickle” that John Stewart's powers inflicted on him. Cosmic Spider-Man yells to the two remaining lanterns to “hit him with everything they've got”! While he flies in at the speed of light and begins punching The Eradicator with all of his might. The two of them stand toe to toe with one another while Jordan and Gardner blast The Eradicator with all four of the lantern rings. Fozzy is quite the Sabacc player, but when Q figures out his tell of saying “Waka waka waka” every time he is bluffing the Muppet becomes eliminated. This just leaves Han Solo, The Rogue Jedi turned smuggler himself with Q the omnipotent super-power in every fanboys ultimate wet dream. Neither of these skilled gamblers are cheaters, so despite the fact that they could use their powers to tell what their opponent is holding in their hand; they do not do so. They instead leave it to chance. Q drops his final hand for the all the credits to the table and reveals a trio of us; but Han for certain knows when to hold them and knows when to fold them. The Correlian Card Player flops down a great hand of fs over bs to win the sabacc tournament and defeat The Q Continuum. Back in space, when the red, orange, pink, and yellow colors fade for a moment. Guy and Hal are astonished to see The Eradicator still standing with a half dead Spider-Man in his grip.

Spider-Man than turns to the two lanterns and says “don't hold back on my account. DO IT”!!

Hal and Guy reluctantly listen to their teammate and give The Eradicator every bit of energy that they can muster, killing both him and their teammate and making...

LOGICAL GENOCIDE VICTORIOUS!!

TEAM Vs. George Washington's Slaves

George Washington's Slaves are Ultra Man, Zilius Zox, Jet Porkins and R-2 Unit #1 in an X-Wing, Capt. Jean Luc Picard captaining a Cybertronian Spaceship w/ Dak Ralter at the controls and Buzz-saw, Zombie Rodimus Prime, Hound (w/ the autobot matrix of leadership/ AKA Houndimus Prime), Prowl, Blurr, Roadbuster, R-2 Unit #2, Madison “Box” Jeffries, and Windcharger aboard, Cosmos w/ Jason Bourne (w/ a green lightsaber), and Shindor of Brontic aboard, Black Lantern Darkseid, Capt. James Tiberius Kirk in a B-Wing, Black Lantern Hal Jordan, Zombie Master Mold, Maverick w/ Goose and R5-D4 in a Y-Wing, Black Lantern Han Solo, Zombie Chewbacca, Vapor Man, Meteor Man, and Gravity Girl.

TEAM is (Justice Legion Alpha) Flash, Galvatron (w/ a red lantern ring), Astro-train, Samus Aran, Neo-Cymek #1-12, Cybertronian Guardian #1 and 2, Mon El, Galactiac, Supergirl (Linda Danavers), and The Incredibles: Mr. Incredible, Elasti-girl, Violet, Dash, and Jack-Jack.

Black Lantern Hal Jordan has used his black lantern ring to create an entire construct of the millennium falcon, which is now being piloted by Black Lantern Han Solo and Zombie Chewbacca (kind of).

Chewie is chewing on the black energy construct controls which prompts Han to say: “I don't think they had zombies in mind when they created her Chewie”.

“Yeah... Are you sure you don't want me to sit in the co-pilot chair, I am an accomplished pilot”? Asks Hal Jordan.

“Traveling through hyper-space ain't like dustin crops boy” Han retorts.

“What”?? says Hal.

“Watch yourself kid or you're gonna find yourself floating home” Han says.

Hal responds with: “floating home... What are you talking about? I can fly in space on my own, and I am the one that created this ship you are flying. I can just make a new in a matter of seconds or not make one at all and be fine”.

“Never tell me the odds” replies Han.

“Ahhhhhhh” says his zombie co-pilot.

“Alright, alright Chewie; go a ahead and set the course. I hear you”.

“What are you talking about now”? Asks Jordan.

“Trust me, I speak Wookie”. Says Han.

Hal says: “Listen smuggler, I've been all over the universe, including to Kashyyyk; and I am pretty sure that all he said a second ago was “brains””.

“Never tell me the odds” says Han.

“You already said that” says Hal.

But the conversation then trails off as they approach the 2 Cybertronian Guardians who have set up camp on a small (by their standards) free-floating asteroid. Han expertly pilots the millennium falcon through the projectile attacks from the 2 guardians and then catches one with several perfectly aimed laser (actually just black energy) blasts in to the neck of guardian #2. But in doing so, they get a bit to close to Guardian #1 who manages to take the energy constructed ship out with a quick smack from its massive metal arm. The three undeaders are thrown from the ship, with zombie chewie dying in the process. The Black Lantern Duo of Han and Hal both right themselves after their makeshift ship is destroyed and fly in together toward the remaining Guardian. The Guardian uses its powerful Cybernetic weaponry to vaporize Black Lantern Hal Jordan, but as it is doing this Black Lantern Han Solo rips through the center of the guardian just to be highly disappointed to find no heart within its giant metal body.

Galvatron is inside Astro-train, along with Samus, Galactiac, and The Incredibles (minus Dash, who is hanging with his new idol Flash. From inside the Decepticon, they are leading the 12 Neo-Cymeks in pursuit of the massive Cybertronian spaceship.

“Once we rip that tin can opened we can take out the slaves with ease” says a rage fueled Galvatron to his troops, but with the proper counter-measures being deployed by Capt. Picard, the TEAMsters are finding catching them a bit tougher than anticipated.

Out deeper in space, there are several other battles taking place. Supergirl is flying in fast towards the much larger Ultra Man, while Mon El is battling with Zilius Zox. The two Kryptonian-like soldiers were both pulled aside by the powers that be at TEAM before this match began and told that they need to step up in this match particularly if TEAM is going to have any shot of continuing there perfect play-off streak.

Mon El was very frank with them in saying: “I admit, part of me came here wanting to someday take over Superman's role, but let's face it: So far I haven't really made it happen”.

Supergirl chimed in with: “Let's not avoid the elephant in the room here. I don't like it either, but I might as well point out the fact that TEAM has only won one match since Superman's death at the hands of The Horsemen last season”.

It is these words that hang in Mon El's mind as he rockets through Zilius Zox's yellow aura to break every bone in his body and then move on to Black Lantern Darkseid.

Flash, along with the space-suit decked out Dash have latched on to Cosmos, and have managed to sneak inside the autobot. Flash and Dash move quickly (obviously) once inside but they are met by the transformer's small crew of Bourne and Shindor who instantly both ignite their lightsabers. Bourne catches Dash with his lightsaber as he tries to run by the operative, while Flash manages to catch Shindor of Brontic with about a thousand punches before the Dark Jedi can defend himself. Flash then starts to run over towards the control panels of Cosmos but Bourne throws his lightsaber in a spinning motion in that general direction as he is running over. The perfectly placed saber is already there when Flash comes running headlong in to it; decapitating the Justice Legion Alpha Member.

Despite taking quite a bit of time and quite a bit of damage, Supergirl does manage to inflict enough damage on Ultra Man to finally take out the massive robot. Mon El feels once again like he is being made to take over the role of Superman as he is confronted by the black lantern version of Darkseid. He knows all of the old tales of how Superman and Darkseid clashed time and time again back when TEAM and The Horsemen dominated the league. Back in a time when no fan of The FFL anywhere would have ever believed that we would have a 1 and 4 TEAM, or a Horsemen Squad that is fresh off of a loss to The Murderflies. Darkseid attempts to blast Mon El with his black energy fueled omega beams but Mon El acts quickly. He knows that as he evades the omega beams that they are going to follow him until either he or Darkseid is dead; which is why he knows he must act quickly to finish this skirmish. Mon El flies underneath the omega beams and catches Darkseid with a potent burst of heat vision along with some 2 handed punches that could turn tanks in to masonry nails. This serves as enough to finish off Black Lantern Darkseid just as Supergirl approaches to remind Mon El that they need to rendezvous with Galvatron and the others if they are going to stomp the Slave Rebellion once and for all.

When Mon El and Supergirl arrive at the scene the final skirmish has already begun. Capt. Picard and Dak are still inside the Cybertronian Craft, but most of the passengers have gone on top of the ship to defend against the heavy fire that they are taking from The Neo-Cymeks. It is not looking good for The Slaves as they are surrounded by the flying cymeks, but they do have some back-up show up just in time (and just as Picard and Kirk had planned). Capt. Kirk, Maverick, and Porkins show up guns blazing seemingly out of nowhere to defend their mother-ship. As do Meteor Man, Vapor Man, Gravity Girl, Cosmos, and Black Lantern Han Solo. This prompts Galvatron to order Astro-train to land on the much larger Cybertronian Spaceship, so they can begin to aid a bit more closely in the attack. The surprise attack from the rebel starships works as expected, as Kirk shoots down Cymek #4 with an advanced missile from his B-Wing, Goose gets Cymek #6 with a Y-Wing Bomb, and Porkins takes out Cymek #9 in his X-Wing (literally, by crashing in to it... You know how Porkins rolls). Houndimus Prime jumps in to action and decides that he is going to need to take out the master mind of The TEAM operation Galactiac. Houndimus dodges cosmic blasts from the amalgam powerhouse in his expanded Jeep form (think the old Jeep Renegades, not the new sissy V-6's with the 4 doors). Houndimus then leeps in to the air, now in his robot form and drop kicks Galactiac in the chest. Houndimus then uses the rifle that once belonged to his former leader, Optimus Prime and unloads the lasers in to his chest. Blasting a hole the size of a Volkswagon in the center of Galactiac.

Mon El sees this and begins flying in to take out the autobot leader, while the decepticon leader says: “I Red Lantern Galvatron will destroy you Houndimus, just like Megatron killed Optimus Prime” (I'm not sure if that line works here or not, but we are going to roll with it all the same). Houndimus is swarmed by TEAMmates, but he grabs Mon El and uses him as a mini baseball bat to blast Neo-Cymek #1 in to pieces before he bends the Cybertronian metal in his own to crush Mon El to death in his grip. Galvatron stays back from the fray and transforms in to his cannon form while Houndimus is preoccupied with other opponents. Galvatron then fires a fully energon charged, red energy laced plasma bolt directly at Houndimus's chest which takes him down to his knees and then eventually his back.

Houndimus calls for his old friend Prowl to take the autobot matrix from his chest and take over the mantle of autobot leader for the Slaves.

“Prowl, it is up to you to lead the Slaves through the play-offs... You are all going to have to do it without me”. Says Houndimus with his dying breath; but at that point fate intervenes and Houndimus' wish is not completely granted.

Zombie Rodimus Prime rushes over as if to eat the heart of his fallen teammate (that is kind of what zombies do after all). But the second Rodimus touches the autobot matrix of leadership which originally turned him from Hot Rod to Rodimus in the first place, the zombie disease is cured. Rodimus puts the matrix back in his chest and takes his rightful place amongst the living and as the leader of the autobot cause.

Galvatron transforms back in to his robot form and simply looks on with a sense of shock as Rodimus uses his rejuvenated vigor to bust up Galvatron's spark like it ain't no thang. Carnage ensues all around but Rodimus leads his troops in to the fray. Neo-Cymek #2 rips open Blurr with its lasgun, while Prowl and Roadbuster work together to take out Neo-Cymeks #11 and 12. The 2 brave autobots then eventually fall to Neo-Cymeks #3 and 8. Neo-Cymek #5 locks on to Cosmos and blows him up, but not before Cosmos can warn Jason Bourne to get his space-suit on and get out of his hull/body. Jason Bourne then super-easily jumps on top of Neo-Cymek #2, rips open the top, and actually yawns as he kills its brain, like he has been known to do in the past when faced with mammoth cymeks (right Becks??).

For a little FFL History: Many actually thought that Jason Bourne would actually be the first round draft pick of George Washington's Slaves, but as it turned this was just misinformation that was spread prior to draft day by Slaves owner Chris Artrip himself. The Slaves went with Yoda in the first round and Optimus Prime in the second. Luckily for the Slaves they were still able to pick up Bourne in the third round of that 75 round draft. This was all very fun, but like all good things; Jason Bourne's kickass FFL Career does come to an end as he is targeted by a massive wave blast from the cannon of Samus.

Rodimus Prime has no love for Zombies after what he has just recently gotten over, so he doesn't mind using the body of his teammate Zombie Master Mold (who was just gunned down by Astro-train to crush Neo-Cymek #8. He then dodges an attack from Supergirl and manages to use his new found swiftness to grab her and slam her down hard straight through the hull of his own Cybertronian Ship (which is taking massive amounts of damage and can not sustain much more). Black Lantern Han Solo manages to eat Elasti-girl's heart right before her pissed off husband crushes Han's Black Lantern face. Vapor Man, Meteor Man, Gravity Girl and Box all have one thing in common, and that is their inability to do jack squat against the remaining Neo-Cymeks who wipe them all out. Windcharger on the other hand manages to charge enough wind to take out Neo-Cymek #5 before he is killed by #3. Buzz-Saw saws up Jack-Jack, but Violet then helps her dad make quick work of the baby killing villain. The Neo-Cymeks target the Cybertronian Ship with everything they have got left, which blows up the life support systems on it and turns it in to nothing more than a floating metal rock. This kills Capt. Picard and Dak in the process as well. Astro-Train and Samus rush in against Rodimus Prime, thinking that the remaining Neo-Cymeks had their back, but as it turns out the cymeks are busy being locked in a dog-fight with the aerial expertise of Maverick, Goose, and Kirk. Maverick flies inbetween Neo-Cymeks #3 and 10 and then locks up the breaks just as Goose and R5-D4 lock in the missiles and take them both out. Kirk does some insane aerial maneuvers to blast the last remaining Neo-Cymek in to oblivion just as Rodimus finishes crushing Samus and Astro-train to make...

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S SLAVES VICTORIOUS!!

Season 5, Week 6 Match: Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers vs. Brotherhood of Evil Midgets

“Permission to come aboard?”

-Joey Potter

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 6 Match located in Space.  They are as follows:

Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers: Onslaught, Triton, Black Alice, The Stranger, Ultra Magnus, Magik, Starkiller, Zodac, Major Vance Astro, Charlie, Martinex, Yondu, Starhawk, Nikki and Aleta, Patriot, Wiccan, Hulkling, Hawkeye, Stature, Speed, Iron Lad, Lord Dread in Darkseid’s Destroyer, Black Lantern Black Adam, Vampire Sinestro, Prince Lotor, Damien Thorn with yellow lantern ring, Sharks with freakin' laser beams attached to their freakin' heads #1-3, Xenomorph #35, Ronald McDonald and Woodstock.

Brotherhood of Evil Midgets: Black Lantern Omega Supreme, Nosyarg Kcid, Ch'p, Dr. Ub'x, Space Usagi, Jotara, Air Zonk with Power Dump and Astra, Air Zimmell, Power Glide, Meriadoc Brandybuck (with a blue lantern ring), Beppo the Super Monkey, Skywarp, Tri-Eye, Bleez, Indigo Lantern #2, Black Lantern Phoenix (Rachel Summers), The Phoenix Force, Mouse Voltron, White Lantern Hal Jordan with green, red, and yellow rings, Aayla Secura and R-2 Unit #3 in a Z-95 Headhunter, Oppo Rancisis and R-2 Unit #4 in a Jedi V-Wing, Captain Power in a Tie Interceptor, Darth Talon in a Tie Interceptor, Richie Rich in a Tie Interceptor, Bowser:  King of Koopa (with Larfeeze's Orange Lantern Ring), Queen Aga' po, Black Lantern Shaun Poteracki, Joey Potter, Blip.

Let the Battle Begin. . .

Opening Skirmish. . .

Richie Rich flies in his Tie Interceptor, now displaying a diamond- enhanced exterior (made possible by Professor Keenbean). Damien Thorn flies toward the ship and is barraged by Rich’s weaponry.  Thorn, utilizing both his occult and ring powers, shrugs off the assault.  Thorn imagines a large demon-like projectile which strikes the ship.  The ship buckles, but Rich manages to fly away from the skirmish and toward. . . Black Lantern Black Adam, who rips the hatch off the top of the ship.  Rich is sucked out into the vacuum of space and dies, thinking happy thoughts of both Cadbury and Dollar. 

Phoenix Duo Dual. . .

Black Lantern Phoenix (Rachel Summers) and the Phoenix Force storm through space.  Black Lantern Shaun Poteracki and Skywarp fly alongside their superior allies.  They are met by Major Vance Astro, Charlie, Martinex, Yondu, Starhawk, Nikki and Aleta.  Black Lantern Shaun Poteracki manages to destroy Aleta, but Major Vance Astro and Yondu avenge their fallen comrade.  In the same instant, Skywarp kills Charlie, but is destroyed by Starhawk, Martinex and Nikki.  The Phoenix Force and Summers decimate the remaining Guardians of the Galaxy group, but are somewhat weakened in the melee.   Nonetheless, the two press on, but in different routes.    

Melee of the Megas. . .

A pitched battle ensues between the Transformers.  Ultra Magnus and Black Lantern Omega Supreme come to repeated blows, each more devastating than the previous ones.  The two robots severely damage one another.  Nonetheless, Omega Supreme’s black lantern powers come into the play and give the edge to the Midget’s robotic force.  Ultra Magnus is destroyed, but at the cost of crippling Omega Supreme.  This gives the Stranger an edge over the black lantern.  Using the power cosmic, the Stranger unleashes a fury of blasts upon BLOS.  The robot is destroyed.  The Stanger then floats away, directly into the Phoenix Force.  The two cosmic powers rip into one another and destroy themselves in the battle.   

Darkseid’s Destroyer. . .

Lord Dread mans the “flying flagship of ultimate evil” a/k/a Darkseid’s Destroyer.  The Commando Squadron swarms the ship.  Thus, Aayla Secura and R2 Unit #3 in a Z-95 Headhunter, Oppo Rancisis and R2 Unit #4 in a Jedi V-Wing, Captain Power in a Tie Interceptor and Darth Talon in a Tie Interceptor face Dread.  Darkseid’s Destroyer is pummeled by the fighters, but due to its very nature, manages to destroy Oppo Rancis and R2 Unit #4, along with Aayla Secura and R2 Unit #3.  Captain Power locates a weak point in the ship, created by the barrage of the Midgets’ fighters. 

Captain Power:  My nemesis.  My destiny.

Darth Talon:  Captain. . . My Captain. 

With Talon’s inspirational words, Captain Power sacrifices himself and his ship as they barrel toward Dread.  Dread screams as he is struck by Power’s Tie Interceptor.  The chain reaction is exacerbated when Talon uses her own Interceptor to fire at the same instant the two ships strike each other.  Talon flies through the debris, once containing the living Dread and Captain Power.  Darth Talon is the lone survivor.

Ring Bearers. . .

Black Lantern Black Adam, Vampire Sinestro and Damien Thorn are overwhelmed by Ch'p, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Tri-Eye, Bleez, Indigo Lantern #2, White Lantern Hal Jordan, Bowser:  King of Koopa and Queen Aga'po.  Although a valiant attempt is made, BL Black Adam is destroyed by Tri-Eye, Bleez and Queen Aga’po’s combined effort.  Vampire Sinestro is killed by White Lantern Hal Jordan and Indigo Lantern #2.  Damien Thorn is killed by Ch’p, Meriadoc Brandybuck and Bowser    Nonetheless, although victorious in their battles, the mortally wounded- Ch’p, Bowser: King of Koopas, Meriadoc Brandybuck and Indigo Lantern #2 die shortly afterward.   

Aboard the Malevolence. . .

Prince Lotor, Zodac, Ronald McDonald and Woodstock stand on the bridge of the Malevolence. The Dope Fiends are standing in front of two tanks, containing the laser-beam equipped sharks. 

Woodstock: iii    iiii    ii   iiiiii     iii    iii    iii  [Translation incomprehensible]

McDonald:  What is that McNugget saying?

Prince Lotor:  Does it matter?

As Ronald is about to respond, the ship pitches as Beppo the Super Monkey rips off the Malevolence’s doors and the main compartment loses pressure; Beppo’s teammates storm through the chaos that ensues.  Beppo races toward Xenomorph #45, which is flying toward the airlock and with his tail, rips off the alien’s head.   The sharks rise from their tanks and spot Joey Potter, who is being protected from instant death by a special spacesuit created by Dr. Ub’x.  Joey walks along the floor with magnetized boots.  Woodstock flies at Joey’s face and distracts her from noticing that Laser-Beamed Shark #3 has her in its sights.  The beam fires and a hole is blown through her heart.  Joey dies and is stuck to the floor by her metallic boots.  Space Usagi and Jotara come through the hatch and manage to reach the tanks, breaking them and watching the sharks swim-float away into space to their deaths.  Magik teleports herself and Starkiller near the two warriors and with her soulsword and his lightsaber slashes and slices the pair apart; Usagi and Jotara die.  Mouse Voltron comes upon Zodac and kills him, but loses its own life to Hulkling and Iron Lad who are now on the scene with their Young Avenger teammates. 

Blip rushes at Ronald McDonald, looking to rip the clown’s face off. 

Ronald McDonald:  What you want is what you get [Slogun: 1992-USA]. . . you damn dirty ape!!!

Blip and McDonald tussle.  McDonald manages to throw Blip across the way.  Just as Blip is about to jump on Ronald’s face, Hawkeye shoots a well-placed arrow through the monkey’s skull.  Blip dies.   McDonald looks at BL Phoenix, who has entered the ship with her ring bearer brothers, Bleez and Tri-Eye.  McDonald pulls down his pants.

McDonald:  There’s nothing quite like a McDonald’s [Slogun: 1980’s-U.S.A.]. . in you’re a$$!!!

White Lantern Hal Jordan puts the clown out of his deranged misery.  He then looks at Woodstock, who is flying toward him.  Before the Peanuts bird can reach him, Air Zonk crushes him in his bare hand.  Black Alice siphons Magik’s powers and the two women teleport next to Air Zonk, who is now with Power Dump and Astra.  It is only a matter of moments before the duo bests the trio.  The pair then destroy Air Zimmell, since AZ is a b.s. character in the first place.

Final Battle. . .

The Malevolence is careening out of control, but the combatants make the best of the circumstances by trying to balance the close-to-zero-gravity area with their foes viciousness at the same time.  Currently onboard the starship are Onslaught, Triton, Black Alice, Magik, Starkiller, Patriot, Wiccan, Hulkling, Hawkeye, Stature, Speed, Iron Lad and Prince Lotor, as well as from the Midgets, Nosyarg Kcid, Dr. Ub'x, Beppo the Super Monkey, Tri-Eye, Bleez, Black Lantern Phoenix (Rachel Summers), White Lantern Hal Jordan and Queen Aga' po.  The ring bearers- Tri-Eye, Bleez, BL Phoenix, WL Hal Jordan and Queen Aga’po smash through Black Alice, Magik, Prince Lotor and Starkiller.  The Young Avengers manage to kill Nosyarg Kcid and Dr. Ub’x.  As they are about to set upon the duo lanterns, Tri-Eye and Bleez, the hull rips apart as well placed shots by Darth Talon’s fighter and Power Glide devastate the ship.  Pressure, once again, is a real factor in this battle as Patriot, Wiccan, Stature, Hawkeye and Speed are torn from the ship and out to space, where they die.  Iron Lad, Hulkling and Triton focus their battle on Tri-Eye and Bleez.  The Midget pair is eventually killed by the sheer determination of the trio.  The well-placed firings of Talon and Power Glide kill Iron Lad.  Hulkling, knowing that he will die in the effort, manages to leap on Talon’s Tie Interceptor and rips it apart.  As Hulkling rips the top from the ship, Talon slashes her lightsaber and cuts Hulkling’s head off before being sucked into space to her death.

Onslaught uses his powers to destroy Power Glide before its attempt to blast the mutant and then dispels with Queen Aga’po.  In turn, Beppo jumps on Triton, and with the assistance of the two remaining lanterns, kills Triton. Onslaught easily dispels with Beppo.  White Lantern Hal Jordan utilizes all of his rings against Onslaught.  Black Lantern Phoenix takes advantage of the weakened Onslaught and destroys him, but not before he takes her with him by ripping the ring from her finger. 

Season 5, Week 6: Miley Cyrus & President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos vs. Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

“You’re a fat, balding forty year old man who thinks he still can break dance and instead, only embarrasses himself at weddings and family affairs.”

-Mean unknown person (to Worm Becks)

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 6 Match located in Space.  They are as follows:

Miley "Oh I just love making smoothies 'oh shit I didn't know these things had blades on the inside of them'" Cyrus & President Barack "Hey at least I'm not Mormon, like my obviously non-Christian opponent is" Obama's "Best of Both World's" Touring Battalion of Commandos: Earth 2 Superman, Buffy Summers with blue lightsaber, Leon with Despotellis’ yellow lantern ring, Katniss Everdeen with green lantern ring, Luminara Unduli with blue lantern ring, Barriss Offee, Madame Blanc with yellow lantern ring, Miss Tanner with red lantern ring, Helena Markos with red lantern ring, Suspiria Witch Coven witches #1-5, Jetfire (movie) with indigo lantern ring, Carslisle Cullen with Star Sapphire ring, Norma Cenva with green lantern ring, White Lantern Deadman, Black Lantern Neo, Heimdall, Zombie Wonder Girl, Atrocitus, Jetfire, Jetstorm, Black Lantern Wonder Woman, Octane, Tracks, The Spice Girls, David Beckham, Taylor Swift with Sith lanvarok, President Barack Obama with General Grievous' green and blue lightsabers, Miley Cyrus, Worm Becks and Jen Lindley.

Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve: Anti-Monitor, Black Lantern Galactus, Terrax, Black Bolt with green lantern ring and Mace Windu's purple lightsaber, Oa Guardians #2, 3, 5 and 6, Manhunters #5 and 6, Indigo-1, Munk, Saint Walker, Supergirl (Ariella Kent), Shazam (Freddie Freeman), Black Lantern Bizarro Superman, Bizarro Supergirl, Black Lantern Nick Houslander, and Kister.

Let the battle begin. . .

Aboard the Nubian 327. . .

President Obama pilots the spaceship with his navigator Jen Lindley by his side.  In the main cabin, the Spice Girls sing “Wannabe.” Worm Becks is in ecstasy at the incredible music being sung by the group.  He belly-surfs across the floor.  David Beckham simply stands watching the human embarrassment while kicking a soccer ball between his two feet. 

Worm Becks (to himself): Damn straight I wannabe your lover; and your lover; and your lover; and your lover; and definitely your lover.

Space. . .

The Commandos’ ring bearers combine their ring powers in order to face one of the most daunting characters on the Kennelz team.  Leon with Despotellis’ yellow lantern ring, Katniss Everdeen with a green lantern ring, Luminara Unduli with a blue lantern ring, Madame Blanc with a yellow lantern ring, Miss Tanner with a red lantern ring, Helena Markos with a red lantern ring, Jetfire (movie) with an indigo lantern ring, Carlisle Cullen with a Star Sapphire ring, Norma Cenva with a green lantern ring, White Lantern Deadman, Black Lantern Neo, Atrocitus and Black Lantern Wonder Woman face Black Lantern Galactus.  Katniss creates a green bow and fires arrows repeatedly at BL Galactus’ eyes.  Joining Katniss are the Black Queen Helena Markos and Carlisle Cullen, who use their rings to barrage their enemy’s eyes.  While Black Lantern Galactus is being blinded by the three, Leon, Luminara Unduli, Madame Blanc, Miss Tanner, Jetfire, Norma Cenva, White Lantern Deadman, BL Neo, Atrocitus and BL Wonder Woman focus on Galactus’ ring.  The rainbow faceted projectiles and constructs glimmer across the stars and the assault eventually rips the ring off of Galactus’ finger.  The entity bellows in dismay as he falls to the Commando force.  Nonetheless, the Commandos’ victory was not without cost as Carlisle Cullen, Luminara Unduli, Leon and Madame Blanc fell to the deathly world devourer. 

Aboard the Nubian 327. . .

Bariss Offee feels the pain of her partner Unduli’s death and falls to her knees in remorse.  Meanwhile, Miley Cyrus follows “Wannabe” with her hit single “The Climb.”  Her rousing rendition echoes throughout the ship.  Worm Becks writhes on the floor to the tune.

Worm Becks (to himself):  You’re nineteen now.  I have something for you to climb on top of.

Space. . .

Manhunters #5 and 6 flank Oa Guardians #2, 3, 5 and 6.  The Transformers’ duo of Octane and Tracks soar through space and target the spacefarers.  Octane and Tracks unleash their weaponry in the same instant and decimate Manhunters #5 and 6.  The Oa Guardians, in return, focus their powers and destroy Octane.  Jetfire and Jetstorm arrive at the scene to help their robot brother-in-arms.  The Transformer trio manages to destroy Oa Guardians #2 and 6.  Earth 2 Superman joins the battle and aids his teammates in the deaths of the remaining Oa Guardians, # 3 and 5.

Aboard the Nubian 327. . .

After Cyrus is finished, Taylor Swift begins her rendition of “You Belong With Me.”  She smiles at Worm Becks.  Worm Becks’ body waddles across the floor.

Worm Becks (whispers to himself):  Damn right I do.

Space. . .

Black Bolt, Indigo-1, Saint Walker, Supergirl (Ariella Kent), Shazam (Freddie Freeman), Black Lantern Bizarro Superman and Bizarro Supergirl fly to the Commando force of Katniss Everdeen, Miss Tanner, Helena Markos, Jetfire (movie), Norma Cenva, White Lantern Deadman, Black Lantern Neo, Zombie Wonder Girl, Atrocitus, Jetfire, Jetstorm, Black Lantern Wonder Woman and Tracks. 

Zombie Wonder Girl and Supergirl enter into a pitched battle of super-female-strength.  Their clothes become tattered in the fight and some gawking of the other combatants occurs.  The eye-balling of super-hot-girl-skin does not last a long time as Zombie Wonder Girl gains the upper hand and bites into Supergirl’s neck.  Supergirl’s carotid sprays its Kryptonian blood across the way and Ariella Kent dies.  Zombie Wonder Girl smiles as a piece of flesh hangs from her teeth.  As she turns around, the Bizarro duo smash her skull in; Zombie Wonder Girl dies. . . again. . . the zombie death way.  BL Bizarro Superman and Bizarro Supergirl are then set upon by the two Jetfires, Jetstorm and Tracks.  The Transformers manage to kill Bizarro Supergirl, but Jetfire and Tracks are lost in the melee also.  BL Bizarro Superman flies away to regroup with his other teammates.

Aboard the Nubian 327. . .

BL Nick Houslander (hereinafter “BLNH”) locates a hatch of the royal cruiser and rips it off.  He travels with Kister, who he has provided protection for with his ring’s powers.  The ship’s automatic emergency procedures kick into overdrive and an additional safety hatch closes behind the duo.  The starship remains in tact. 

BLNH:  Listen you little sh@t, stay close behind me!

Kister:  Will do Mr. Houslander; your will is my way.

The two walk the corridor of the ship and are met by Buffy Summers.  BLNH salivates at the opportunity to rip the young slayer apart (in every way possible).  She ignites her lightsaber and attempts to skewer BLNH.  Kister steps in front of his hero and sacrifices his own life for BLNH.

Kister:  Avenge me. . . .

BLNH screams in agony and uses his ring to barrage the slayer.  Buffy is disarmed and BLNH races to her.  He kneels down next to the hurt Summers.

BLNH (whispers in her ear):  This is going to hurt you,

Much more than me;
You’re going to hate this b$tch,
That I guaranty!

BLNH slowly guts Buffy with his ring and smiles as her entrails slowly slide from her body.  Buffy Summers dies.  Barriss Offee takes advantage of BLNH cradling the dead body of Buffy Summers and strikes at the black lantern.  Offee strikes BLNH repeatedly until he falls to his knees.  As he is about to lose his ring to the slashing lightsaber, Terrax rushes to the scene and uses his cosmic scythe to cut her in half.  

Across the ship, The Suspiria Witch Coven crowd around a small cauldron located in the ship.

Witch #1: Double, double,

Witch #2: Toil and trouble;

Witch #3: Fire burn,

Witch #4: And caldron bubble.

With these words, Witch #5 throws objects into the cauldron.  They cackle, anticipating the results of their brew. BLNH screams and looks down.  He is a normal human again.  The Witch coven used their powers to complete this transformation. 

BLNH:  NOT AGAIN!!!!

Nick Houslander knows that he is not the force he was, but he convinces himself that he is still one to be reckoned with, especially with Terrax in tow.  Terrax moves to the main hull where the inhabitant majority of the ship is.  He immediately blasts Beckham because he is too beautiful of a man to exist any longer.  Worm Becks distracts the duo as he shuffles out on his stomach.  All of the women gang up on normal Nick Houslander;  the Spice Girls, Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus attack.  Although Houslander manages to kick Baby Spice in the face and Posh in the stomach, he is overwhelmed by the women.  They hold him down.

Houslander:  Under any other circumstances, I’d be hard right now.

Swift:  But under these, you’re just dead.

Swift uses the lanvarok to kill Houslander.  Terrax takes revenge and wipes out the entire female swarm.  He heads toward the ship’s cabin.   He passes by the witches and with one cosmic blast, wipes them all out. 

Obama looks at Lindley and Worm Becks. 

Obama:  We must do so for the greater good of our team.  He must be destroyed or we’ll have no hope in winning this match. 

Obama overloads the ship’s engines to near critical levels.  As Terrax bursts into the cabin, he kills Lindley and Worm Becks.  Worm Becks flops along the floor, looking dead as he did in life.  Obama rushes and grabs Terrax.  He uses the two lightsabers to sink into the herald.  Terrax is momentarily stunned that this puny man was able to strike him.  Heimdall bursts through the doors and grabs onto Terrax.  The Norse deity holds the cosmic enforcer in place.  Obama crawls up to Terrax and whispers to him.

Obama:  At least we’re going out with a bang!

The ship explodes into a million particles due to the combination of the power cosmic and engine overload; it looks like fireworks on the Fourth of July.  Obama, Terrax and Heimdall all perish in the bursts.

Space. . .

Earth 2 Superman, Katniss Everdeen, Miss Tanner, Helena Markos, Jetfire (movie), Norma Cenva, White Lantern Deadman, Black Lantern Neo, Atrocitus, Jetstorm, Black Lantern Wonder Woman battle the Anti-Monitor, Black Bolt, Indigo-1, Munk, Saint Walker, Shazam (Freddie Freeman) and Black Lantern Bizarro Superman

Multi-colored spectrums of light flash across space as the lanterns battle one another.  Caught in the crossfire of the many colored rings is the Anti-Monitor, who is weakened in the melee.  Although the Anti-Monitor is injured, Indigo-1, Saint Walker and Munk still shoot a cornucopia of objects at Atrocitus, Katniss Everdeen, Miss Tanner, Helena Markos and Norma Cenva.  In the end, the remaining lanterns are the Commandos’ Atrocitus and Katniss Everdeen.  Black Bolt ignites his lightsaber and flies toward Black Lantern Neo and Black Lantern Wonder Woman.  With a quick slice, he slashes the ring off of Black Lantern Neo and the Matrix hero dissipates into ash.  Black Lantern Wonder Woman manages to gain the upper hand on Black Bolt.  He speaks and the force rips Black Lantern Wonder Woman apart.  He turns to see the fist of Earth 2 Superman.  Black Bolt is killed at the sheer impact of the concussive force on his skull.    Jetstorm and Jetfire (movie) focus on Shazam and this Captain Marvel is soon killed by the combined efforts of the Transformers.  Black Lantern Bizarro Superman destroys Jetstorm, but is bested by the remaining lanterns. 

The Anti-Monitor, although weakened, has had enough of the Commandos and unleashes his powers upon his enemy.  In an instant, the Anti-Monitor kills Jetfire (movie) and Atrocitus.  White Lantern Deadman knows he must relive events once transpired in his Brightest Day beginnings and battles the Anti Monitor.  He wears the beast down and Katniss strikes his chest armor plate with a green arrow; his armor shatters.  Earth 2 Superman then crashes through the Anti-Monitor’s body and hurls his shattered body into space.  Although the Anti-Monitor will shortly be revived by his own siphoning of the cosmos near him, it will not be before the match ends.   

Better Than All of You vs Layander's Super Orange Kitties.

Better Than All of You is:

Quasar (Head Coach), Jedi Guardian #1 w/ R-4 Unit #1 in a Naboo Starfighter, Jedi Guardian #2 w/ R-3 Unit #1 in a Jedi V-Wing, Astro Droids # 17 & 18, Red Wing, Flash (Wally West), Yogurt, Symbiote Suit Spider Man w/ Indigo Lantern Ring, Zombie Jedi Master #1, Firestorm, Dark Helmet, Metallo, Anakin Skywalker's spirit, Black Lantern Ben Kenobi, Space Godzilla, Super Sonic, NS-5's #7-11, Wolfsbane, Yellow Lanterns #1 & 2, Battle Droid #7, Predator #1 w/ Green Lightsaber

Layander's Super Orange Kitties:

Primus, Bedovian, White Lantern Batman, Vampire Starfire, Silverhawks: Bluegrass, Quicksilver, Tallyhawk, Steelheart, Rayzor, Steelwill, Stronghold, Copper Kid, and Mayday in Miraj, Hotwing, Gyro, Flashback, Backlash, Moonstriker, Tailspin, (Kingdom come) Green Lantern, (kingdom come) Power Woman, (kingdom come) Hawkman, (kingdom come) Robotman in a B-Wing,(kingdom come) Red Robin w/ Red X (Dick Grayson), Robin (Stephanie Brown), Smurf #7, Doozer #7, and Catgirl in an Imperial Shuttle, Don-el, Van Zee, Vitar, Superman Emergency Squad #1-5, Dark Supergirl, The Black Racer, Knives Chow (w/ a star sapphire ring and demon rod), Meta-Knight.

Suddenly transported into the icy vacuum of space the combatants are forced to make quick decisions.  

In the instant before the transfer the speedsters on both sides have ample time to take a deep breath.   

Luckily for them the combat following the teleportation is brutally short so they don’t have to hold it long.  The Black Racer kills Wally West and Super Sonic immediately, draining the speed force from them.

Primus immediately destroys the Astro Droids 17 and 18, Yellow lanterns 1 and 2 have no affect on Primus as the planet sized Robot has very little to fear.  Yogurt and Dark helmet can do nothing but cry and embrace each other as the giant robot bats them directly into a nearby star.

Jedi Guardian #1 and #2 are met by Firestorm who quickly devises a plan.  

Firestorm hides on the bottom of Jedi Guardian #2’s ship as they make a run at Primus.

They are intercepted by the Silverhawks in the Spaceship Miraj but the Miraj is no match for the two force sensitive pilots who quickly pull synchronized Cobra maneuvers forcing the much heavier Miraj to overshoot them and putting them in position to destroy the ship which slams into the back of Primus.  The Jedi pilots set their sights on Primus planning on delivering their payload.   They are interrupted by Gyro, Flashback, Moonstriker, Backlash, and Tailspin.  Unfortunately for the kitties the interruption doesn’t last long as the jedi promptly destroy the five combatants.

During their run Primus lays waste to the Better than all of You squad,  he crushes Red Wing, Wolfsbane, and battledroid #7 without effort.   The iron in Primus body easily dissipates the spirit of Anakin Skywalker.   

Metallo squares off against Don-El, Vitar, and the Superman Emergency Squad,  the Kryptonite disables the emergency squad and Don-El and he destroys them immediately,  Van Zee and Vitar are simply pummeled to death.  the Watcher is unclear if this is due to a Kryptonite weakness or the sheer power of Metallo.

Black Lantern Ben Kenobi positions himself to join Metallo in search for his next victim but white lantern Batman destroys him in a flash of light.  Metallo is then taken on by Meta-Knight who uses his sword to defeat the metal villain cutting him into tin scraps.  

The rest of the combatants see that a victor will surely be determined by eliminating Primus.  

Quasar orders all units to combine their attacks against the giant robot.  Space Godzilla disables one of the the huge robots hands before being crushed.  

the NS5’s go to work on Primus lower motors in an attempt to disable his ability to move.  Primus crushes their light alloy bodies without issue.  

the rest of Layander’s squad rush in to protect their most massive team mate they severely damage the ships that the Jedi Pilots are aiming towards the giant robot..

Which is what Firestorm was hoping for.

Predator #5 and Firestorm detach from the jedi pilot’s ships at this point and land on Primus.  They sneak quietly to the base of primus’ neck.  

They know what they have to do.  Firestorm nods to the predator.  He uses his spear to poke a hole in the containment suit that is holding firestorm’s power in and then he sets his own self destruct and runs from the rear to the left side. Firestorm takes off heading for the right side.   Firestorm Goes Nuclear at the same time as the predators countdown reaches zero.  

The Resulting blast removes the head of the giant robot and the chain reaction from this catastrophic mechanical failure cause huge explosions across the remains,  the explosions ultimately destroy Bedovian, White Lantern Batman, Vampire Starfire, KC Green Lantern Power Woman, KC Hawkman, and KC Robotman.  

The wreckage from Robotman’s B-Wing spirals into space, slamming into Dark Supergirl, The Black Racer, Knives Chau and Meta-Knight who were scrapping with Indigo Lantern Spiderman killing them all instantly.

Quasar is surveying the carnage from a distance when...

*THUD!*

“HOLY CRAP!” shouted Dick Grayson.  “I Told you that we shouldn’t have let the smurf drive.  The dude can NOT see over the dashboard and forget reaching the pedals,  I don’t care how many little Doozer Sticks that other little one puts between the pedals and the smurf’s feet... those things are made from friggin RADISHES!... don’t even get me started on the structural integrity.....”

“Oh will you settle down...  i’m pretty sure that was just a bit of space gas...” Responded Catgirl.

“SPACE DUST!?” responded an exasperated Grayson... “That... was a person.... Last time I checked, space dust doesn’t have arms and legs and doesn’t have weird glowing symbols all over his... oh wait, was that the other teams coach?...  Nevermind we’re all good here, lets go home.”

Roadkilled Quasar is the final casualty of the contest.