The Horsemen of Apokolips vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

I have been appointed by my brethren Joshatu and Ryatu to watch the following Year 2, Week 11 Match: The Horsemen of Apokolips vs. Team Sleeping Pussy.

I have located a bar with the name of “Flight Club.” Before transporting the teams to the location, I bring a black light into the establishment. Due to the tremendous amount of bodily fluid remnants, I am unable to establish locker rooms for this particular match. Notwithstanding, I see the rosters of the teams. The Horsemen are Sabertooth, Charlton Heston and The Kings of Crunk: Josh Houslander and Chris Artrip. Team Sleeping Pussy is Frances "Franco" Begbie, Mr. Joshua, William "Bill the Butcher" Cutting, Dirty Harry Calahan and Biff Tannen.

I transport the teams to the main floor of Flight Club. The Black Eyed Peas “Boom Boom Pow” blares on the speakers. I announce: “And now for your entertainment – let’s give a rousing cheer to both Candy and Blaire!!!”

Candy and Blaire come out of the dressing room and begin to dance on the stage (and its pole). The Kings of Crunk: Josh Houslander and Chris Artrip are immediately distracted and locate a booth in the back. They believe the booth will allow them the opportunity to enjoy the show without anyone actually noticing them. While the two are enjoying the female duo they are confronted by Charlton Heston.

Heston: You damn, dirty Kings of Crunk! This is a match for g@ddamn sake! Get up and get fighting!

Artrip and Houslander decide that they can fight and still enjoy Candy’s and Blaire’s tassels at the same time. Before entering the formal battle, Houslander rushes to the stage area and places a dollar bill in a strategic area. Candy kisses him and says: “For luck. . .”

Mr. Joshua is seen in the executive area watching Trixie and snorting a white powder. He screams in exhilaration and commences looking for a Horsemen victim. He is joined by William “Bill the Butcher” Cutting, with knives in both hands. The two approach Heston, who has left the Crunk duo, deciding the two are too easily distracted at the moment. The NRA-card-toting Heston pulls out a gun and fires at Mr. Joshua. Being completely obliterated, Joshua takes seven bullets before falling down and dying. Bill the Butcher, utilizes his skills and throws both knives at Heston before he is able to fire another shot from his gun. The knives pierce Heston’s eyes and throat. Heston falls dead. Bill the Butcher then locates the Kings of Crunk. The Butcher decides that they will be easy prey since they are still too distracted at the show going on (and the fact that Houslander is whining for Artrip to give him more dollar bills). Bill approaches the two, pulling out additional knives. Sabertooth pounces on the scene.

Sabertooth: No match for my knives, Butcher.

Sabertooth slashes Bill’s arms, causing the Butcher to drop his weapons. He is bleeding profusely and falls to the ground.

Sabertooth (looking at Houslander and Artrip): All yours boys. . .

Houslander and Artrip decide to begin and fight. They smash the glasses left on the tables and turn them into weapons. The duo then repeatedly stabs him. Bill the Butcher dies. Sabertooth looks for more meaningful prey.

Artrip and Houslander are then met by Frances “Frank” Begbie and Biff Tannen. Houslander, having just come from a fresh kill (and from a back hair waxing only days before), is revved up. He tears off his shirt. One of the dancers sees Houslander, rushes over to him and pours a greasy spray, often utilized by the women of the Club, over his body. Biff Tannen attempts to tackle Houslander, who without hair and all greased up, easily escapes. Houslander then smashes Tannen over the head with a chair, crushing his skull. Artrip, not wanting to be overshadowed by his brother-in-law, tears off his shirt too. Begbie, unfazed, begins to pummel Artrip. Thinking about his newborn, Ella, gives Artrip the strength to take on Begbie. Artrip eventually wins the fight and kills Begbie. Houslander and Artrip hug each other. Due to Houslander’s body spray, the men are now all greased up. The women dancers marvel at the sight of the near-Adonis duo.

Dirty Harry Calahan: Isn’t this a touching moment.

The Crunks look for weapons around them. They see broken bottles and a knife.

Calahan: Uh, uh, I know what you’re thinking.

Houslander: What?

Calahan: Are there six more women to dance today, or only five. . .

Artrip lunges for the knife. Calahan fires and hits him in the leg. Calahan then fires at Houslander, who slips because of all the grease on his body. Houslander is struck in the shoulder. The two Kings of Crunk are ready to die. As Calahan is about to fire he screams. Calahan looks down at his disemboweled body. Sabertooth, at the scene, smiles.

Sabertooth (looking down at a mortally wounded Calahan): I needed to make sure that my teammates and I were going to find out whether there were five or six dancers left to be seen. . . .

Five dancers later. . .

Houslander: I guess it was five dancers left.

Houslander, Artrip and Sabertooth enjoy some “pop” and special company for the remainder of the day.

Horsemen: Houslander, Artrip and Sabertooth alive.

SP: All dead.

THE HORSEMEN OF APOKOLIPS ARE VICTORIOUS!!!!