Better Than All of You vs. The Right Wing

“It's the playoffs. You find a way to get through.”
-Steve Finley

I look to the teams which will do battle at the Playoff Planet in this Second Week of the Playoffs. They are as follows:

Better Than All of You: Green Lantern (Hal Jordan w/ both his green ring and an indigo ring), Thanos, Aquaman, Aqualad, Aquababy, Storm Shadow, Snake Eyes, Gandalf the White, Ghost Rider (Danny Ketch), Ghost Rider (Johnny Blaze), Skeletor, The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Gray Hulk, Abomination, Predator #5, Zombie Venom, Zombie Trinity, Iron Spiderman, Symbiote Suit Spiderman, Anti-Venom, Batman and Robin (Dick Grayson and Damian Wayne), Batman (Jean-Paul Valley), Batman Beyond, Doc Holiday, Lonestar, Barf and Astro-Droid #17 (RVD-1) in a Y-Wing Bomber and Doozer #6.

The Right Wing: Poseidon, Silver Surfer (w/ a green lantern ring), Zeus, Kit Fisto, Athena, Darth Malak, Black Panther, Superwoman, Red She-Hulk, Jool Nooret, Dr. House M.D., Victoria (w/ a red lightsaber), Lyra the She Hulk, Winnie the Pooh, Mogwai #3 and 4, Piglet, Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Ewok Babies #3 and 4, Snow Troopers #1-6, T-Rex #6, Droid Fighter Ships #3 and 4, Slimer, John Stewart and Blue Lantern #1.

Let the battle begin. . .

Water Region

Aquaman, Aqualad and Aquababy see the Titanic as it cruises across the waters. At the ocean liner’s helm are Mogwai #3 and 4. The two creatures coo and yelp in excitement as they steer the ship. An unfathomable wave crashes over the ship and sinks the Titanic. [The wave, fearless readers, was caused by Poseidon]. The Mogwai escape being sucked under by the ship through a flotation device. Fortunately for the Right Wing, water splashed on the diminutive fur balls. The Mogwai begin to gurgle in pain as Mogwai #3 gives birth to fifteen Gremlins and Mogwai #4 gives birth to twelve Gremlins. Knowing that the Mogwai and Gremlins will only multiply further, Aquaman and Aqualad use their telepathic powers to call upon the local aquatic inhabitants. The water creatures focus on the Mogwai and both Mogwai #3 and 4 are readily eaten. Before the called-upon beasts are able to destroy the Gremlin troop, the Gremlins swarm Aquababy. Aquababy kills five Gremlins, but the remaining monsters finish Aquababy off. Aquaman and Aqualad then, with the help of their new-found friends, destroy the remaining Gremlins.

Kit Fisto swims at Aqualad. Fisto gains the upper hand with both the Force and his lightsaber and skewers Aqualad. Aqualad’s blood excites the creatures in the area and the Titan is finished off by his own summonees. As blood drifts through the waters, Aquaman again requests the assistance of the water predators in the area. The monsters are enticed into a frenzy due to the blood and kill Fisto.

The King of Atlantis faces the Greek god of the sea. Poseidon’s powers are far superior over Aquaman; Aquaman eventually succumbs to a watery grave.

Underground Region

Mickey and Minnie Mouse walk through tunnels; they see their brethren skittering at their feet. When the Mouses (mice) look up, they see Doozer #6.

Mickey: Hah. Hah. We were around before you were even a glimmer in Henson’s mind.

Doozer #6: Don’t matter none. Still gonna kick your a$$!

Doozer #6 rushes at Minnie. Minnie is taken aback by the ferocity of Doozer #6 and slips. Doozer #6 falls upon her and rips Minnie’s throat out.

Mickey: MINNIE!!!!!!

Mickey reaches Doozer #6 and with his bear hands, rips the Hensonite apart. He then looks up to see Skeletor. Froth is seen around Mickey’s mouth.

Skeletor: You cannot be serious.

With a swift hand, Skeletor uses his Havoc Staff. The staff’s mystical abilities tear Mickey apart. Skeletor looks up from the desecrated mouse and sees Slimer. Before Skeletor can react, Slimer flies at He-Man’s nemesis and slimes him. The ooze begins to harden, encasing Skeletor, who frantically attempts to remove the muck. Slimer focuses on Skeletor. Gandalf the White appears from the shadows and stands in front of his crusty teammate. Slimer gargles.

Gandalf: You shall not pass!

Slimer bellows.

Gandalf: You shall not pass!

Slimer flies at Gandalf. Before the ghost reaches the wizard, Slimer explodes. Gandalf looks behind him and sees Skeletor, standing with his staff in hand.

Skeletor: You really should’ve just wasted him; too much drama the other way.

Forest Region

Piglet walks through the forest. He is met by Doc Holiday. Piglet moves his paws to his mouth, in fright.

Doc Holiday: No need to sweat little pig. I’m going to make this quick.

Holiday fires and kills Piglet. Winnie the Pooh sees his best friend fall.

Pooh: Oh you mean, mean man!

Doc Holiday: Don’t call me mean. . . (smiles) I’m your huckleberry.

Pooh: You’re my first kill of the day!

Pooh summons the spirit of his bear brethren and attacks Holiday. Pooh slashes Holiday’s face and cripples the gunfighter’s eyesight. Even with blood dripping into his eyes, Holiday riddles Pooh with bullets. A searing pain is felt by Holiday in his gut. He looks down and sees the Ewok Babies gnashing on his stomach. An already wounded Holiday falls and Ewok Babies #3 and 4 jump on him. The two gnaw at his mortally wounded body.

Predator #5 looks for prey. His search is short lived as Black Panther pounces on the alien. The two fight and batter each other like rag dolls. Eventually Black Panther steals Predator #5’s spear and runs him through. Predator #5 falls to the ground, dead.

Anti-Venom swings to the scene and uses web projectiles to tie Ewok Babies #3 and 4 to a tree limb. Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes race at the furry Endorians and slice them apart. Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes creep along the forest floor and meet Black Panther. Panther uses his metal claws, but the fight with Predator #5 has weakened him; T’Challa is killed by the two skilled ninjas. From above, the Greek goddess Athena, uses her skills to destroy both ninjas; Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow die. Anti-Venom swings through the forest and is searching for Athena. Due to him being distracted in an attempt to locate Athena, he accidentally lands on T Rex #6’s snout. The dinosaur opens its maw and chomps Anti-Venom in half.

Air

Droid Fighter Ships #3 and 4 focus on Lonestar, Barf and RVD-1 in a Y-Wing. The superior piloting skills of Lonestar and Barf outmatch the Droid Fighter ships and destroy both. Zeus flies by on his favorite cloud and riddles the Y-Wing with lightning. The ship shorts out and begins to careen out of control.

Barf: Are we going down with the ship?

Lonestar: Ain’t my ship!

Lonestar and Barf jettison from the crashing Y-Wing. RVD-1 goes down with the ship. As Lonestar and Barf soar down in their fighter compartments, Lonestar is scooped up by Superwoman.

Lonestar: Wow! What big-

Before Lonestar can complete his chauvinistic, sexist and discriminatory statement, Superwoman snaps Lonestar’s neck. Barf soars at Superwoman, who flies out of the way and rips his head off as he passes by. While Superwoman finishes off Lonestar and Barf, Green Lantern Hal Jordan is able to tactically maneuver himself in a better position to come from behind Superwoman. Superwoman is wrapped up by Jordan’s green lantern ring. Thanos teleports next to the two and uses his energy manipulation powers to destroy Superwoman. Jordan and Thanos teleport (using Jordan’s indigo ring and Thanos’ innate ability) next to Blue Lantern #1 and John Stewart. Stewart and Blue Lantern #1 are killed by the Better duo.

Zeus flies by and riddles Jordan’s body with lightning. Jordan begins to fall-which winds up saving him in the end. Before Thanos can teleport away, Silver Surfer fires the power cosmic at the Eternal mutant. Thanos absorbs the energy. The amount of energy imbibed by Thanos begins to rip his body apart. Thanos determines to use his last act as one of retribution. Thanos uses his body as a cosmic bomb that rivals the big bang’s explosion. As Thanos is ripped apart, he takes out both Silver Surfer and Zeus. Hal Jordan, still falling, wakes in time to see their deaths.

Arctic Region

Gray Hulk: Gray Hulk becoming cold. Should not have worn just ripped jeans.

Abomination: Quit complaining! At least you have jeans, I only have shorts. Now focus!

The two behemoths skirt the blaster fire of Snow Troopers #1-6. Although their bodies are singed, the Troopers are no match for the irradiated duo. Gray Hulk and Abomination kill all Snow Troopers. Darth Malak uses the Force to push Gray Hulk across the tundra. Malak then ignites his blade and crouches in a defensive stance. Abomination reaches Malak and the two fight. Abomination repeatedly smashes at the force shield around Malak, but loses his left hand in the process. Gray Hulk joins Abomination and leaps next to Malak. Malak unexpectedly kills Gray Hulk, but succumbs to the sheer brunt force of a one-handed Abomination.

City Region

Victoria, with a red lightsaber, takes on the Batman crew- Batman and Robin (Dick Grayson and Damian Wayne), Batman (Jean-Paul Valley) and Batman Beyond. The fury of Victoria wielding the red blade is spectacular to see. She uses her quickness and strength to kill Robin and Batman Beyond. The remaining Batmen use their utility belts in unison as a response to two of their own being killed. They pull out their vampire- weaponry and fire it at Victoria the same time. Although Victoria is able to deflect some of the projectiles, she is unable to destroy them all; she explodes as the stakes rip through her heart.

Jooel Nooret and Zombie Trinity are in a pitched battle. Nooret is eventually able to best Zombie Trinity and slices her head off with his Ginaz skills. He looks down as mystical chains bind his limbs together. At the end of the chains is the Ghost Rider duo; arms is Ketch and legs is Blaze. They race both ways and rip Nooret in half. Zombie Venom rushes to the body and begins to feast.

Dr. House sees the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man walking down the city’s main street. He shakes his head as he believes he is hallucinating from popping too many pills. House is squished under Stay Puft’s foot.

Lyra the She Hulk and Red She Hulk band together and kill both Batman (Jean Paul Valley and Batman (Dick Grayson). Thus, the female Hulk duo destroys the dynamic Batman duo.

In the next instant I transfer all of the combatants to the City Region for the Final Battle. The remaining participants are as follows:

Better Than All of You: Green Lantern (Hal Jordan w/ both his green ring and an indigo ring), Gandalf the White, Ghost Rider (Danny Ketch), Ghost Rider (Johnny Blaze), Skeletor, The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Abomination, Zombie Venom, Iron Spiderman and Symbiote Suit Spiderman.

The Right Wing: Poseidon, Athena, Red She-Hulk, Lyra the She Hulk and T-Rex #6.

T-Rex #6 sees the Stay Putft Marshmallow Man and rushes at the giant candy-pitchman. The dinosaur pounces on Stay Puft and rips him apart, piece by marshmallowy piece. Abomination jumps on the dinosaur and manages to take the T-Rex down, even without a hand. The Ghost Riders finish the job and kill T-Rex #6.

Poseidon uses his powers to steer an immense amount of waters through the town. The charged fluid rips both Ghost Riders off their motorcycles. The Ghost Riders are repeatedly battered around throughout the city by the waters. They are eventually drowned by Poseidon’s powers as they revert to their human form. Gandalf the White uses his staff like Moses and parts the waters away from his teammates and the battlefield. Gandalf then joins forces with Skeletor and together they use their magics and mystical abilities to transport/teleport Poseidon away from the battlefield grounds. Poseidon is rife with both Better members’ powers surging through him and with the loss of his land/water grounding, Poseidon is destroyed.

The remaining female trio of Athena, Red She Hulk and Lyra the She Hulk face Abomination, Iron Spider Man and Symbiote Suit Spiderman. Iron Spider Man is destroyed by Lyra the She Hulk. Symbiote Spiderman is killed by Red She-Hulk. Abomination is killed by Athena.

Zombie Venom jumps on Red She Hulk. Although Red She Hulk attempts to kill Zombie Venom, she is unable to behead the zombie with her sai. Zombie Venom suffocates Red She Hulk with his symbiotic appendages. An angry Lyra rips Venom’s head off in revenge for her fallen comrade.

Gandalf, Skeletor and Jordan combine all of their powers to strike at Lyra and Athena. The two females manage to repel the repeated attacks of the trio, but eventually are bested. The two fall to the ground, holding hands with smiles on their faces. They have fought valiantly and have honored their team during this Playoff Match.

Better Than All of You: Green Lantern (Hal Jordan with both green and indigo rings), Gandalf the White and Skeletor.

The Right Wing: All dead.

BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU IS VICTORIOUS!!!