"I was funny on SNL right? RIGHT?" "Former Pop Superstar" Hannah Montana vs. "Vegemite is TERRRRIBBBLLLE" President Barack Obama's "Best of Both World's" Touring Battalion of Commandos are: Earth 2 Superman, Optimus Prime, Black Lantern Optimus Prime, Dex-Star, Karu-Sil, Azeem with Qui-Gon's Green Lightsaber, Katniss Everdeen, Lady GaGa, Jen Linley, and Black Lantern Dozer #1
Team Sleeping Pussy are: Kahn, Zombie Mothra, Den, Thunderbird, The Flash (Jay Garrick), Quicksilver, Hanover Fiste, Capt. Boomerang, and SHIELD Agent #2
"Come on, Vogue" Lady Gaga proclaims as she trudges across the deserts of Baghdad in a dress that is made of of Dozers.
"Ok, first of all that dress is pretty offensive considering we're currently in the company of a Dozer" Jen says "And second, you don't sing Vogue. Madonna does."
"Express yourself" Gaga retorts as she gives the classic 'talk to the hand' gesture to the "bad" girl of Dawson's Creek
"Have you not her the new Gaga single "Bored this Way," this isn't the first time she's ripped off Madonna" Azeem stoically says
"Um, I think it's called "Born this Way" Azeem, not bored" Jen replies
"Whatever, hoe. I'm from the time of Robin Hood and all that, the fact that I know who this monster even is pretty friggin impressive" Azeen fires back.
"You wanna go, old man? Cause I'll throw down" Jen says, not backing down from Azeem.
Just as this situation is about to boil over and fist are gonna be thrown, twin sandstorms erupt around the bickering commandos, blinding them.
"What's happening" Jen screams
"Life is a mystery" Gaga tells her.
"Seriously? That's your answer? Jen says "Unbelievable"
amid the confusion Zombie Mothra crashes into the ground crushing Karu-Sil, and Katniss Everdeen
"Holy f**k" Azeem yells as he fires up his light saber "Kill it, kill it with fire!!!!!"
As Jen starts to cry, and Azeem rushes toward the gigantic, rotten corpse of Mothra, it's head explodes and Earth-2 Superman stands in front of them.
"Sorry I'm late folks, but I had to deal with our sandstorms. Here." and Superman coolly drops the heads of Jay Garrick and Quicksilver at the feet of his horrified teammates. "Now, I must be off, I hear a kitten stuck in a tree in Metropolis." and he flies off to help save a life after brutally taking two.
"Oh my god. This stuff never happens when I hang out with Dawson and Pacey" Jen sobs as the horror of what she's witnessed so far begins to sink in.
"Chin up. Jen of the Linleys. The battle continues." Azeem tells her "I shall be by your side, and together we shall defeat all that encounter us."
"Just like a prayer, you know your voice can take me there." Gaga adds.
"Autobots, let's roll out" the group hear as Optimus Prime pulls up in his truck form
"A talking truck. Great. Cause I haven't seen enough weird s**t today" Jen moans
"Enough talk, let's find out enemies and tear out their hearts" says black lantern Optimus Prime as he joins the fray
"What the f***. How are there two of you?" Jen incredulously says
"Well, it's like this. The Commandos used to have Rodimus Prime on their team, but when he died he passed the Matrix of..." Optimus begins
"F*** you, b***. Let's get our killing going, f*** this back story s***." black lantern Optimus sneers and peels out.
"I do not care for these giant, talking, metal carriages" Azeem states "But let us follow them unto battle."
As the Commandos make their way deeper into the sands of Baghdad, let us see what the Pussies are up to.
"Mister Kahn, sir." SHIELD agent #2 says "We've lost three members, but we did successfully take out a few of the Commandos"
"Who have we taken out? Kahn asks
"Well, it looks like Katniss Everdeen, and Karu-Sil, sir. But we've not yet seen their little black lantern builder guy or Dex-Star, the red lantern cat."
"So, we sacrifice three strong members of a team and all we have taken out is the JOB SQUAD??? UNACCEPTABLE!" Kahn roars.
"Aye, that's not all we killed mate. Here." Says Capt. Boomerang as he throws the corpse of Dex-Star at the feet of Kahn "Heh. Look at 'em. Looks like e's asleep. That's funny we got us a sleeping pussy that ain't gonna wake up."
"How did you get this? Kahn asks, obviously pleased with the not only news of another dead commando, but with the terrible pun as well.
"It was me mate, Den here." Boomerang says
"Yeah, ole Den knows how to handle him some pussy, though we did lose Thunderbird in the battle" laughs Den, naked as always.
"Attention, I am picking up the energy signals of the Commandos" MODOK says before this weird scene gets any weirder
"The fools. They will now taste the full wrath of Kahn. Pussies ATTACK!" Kahn yells and the remaining team members fly into action.
The battle is pretty intense. Modok and Hanover Fiste are able to kill Optimus Prime and Azeem. But then they're destroyed by Black Lantern Optimus. Jen and Gaga are cowering and screaming over in a corner after seeing the undead Autobot leader gruesomely dismember SHIELD agent #2, when Den stumbles upon them
"Well, well. Hello ladies." Den says "You know, death doesn't always have to be a nasty, ugly affair. How's about we go find a nice dune somewhere and I..well"
"I wanna take a ride on your disco stick" says Gaga as she licks her lips and appreciates Den's clothing situation
"Oh god. I'm in hell, I'm in hell" cries Jen as she suffers a complete mental collapse.
"Shall we, Gaga?" Den lecherously says as he prepares to get him some Gaga
"I want your..HEART." her dress screams and sudden the black lantern Dozer appears and kills Den before anymore perversion takes place.
"Ah, delicious." says the blood covered Dozer "And no bulls*** Josh Houslander around to f*** me over again. Come on Gaga, let's go get some more pussies"
We are living in a material world" agrees Gaga and she and the Dozer go to gather the catatonic Jen as she lays in the sand.
"Can I go home now, please." Jen weeps
as Gaga opens her mouth to quote another Madonna lyric her head suddenly grows a razor sharp boomerang right between her eyes.
"G'day, ladies" says Capt Boomerang as he approaches the mentally collapsed teen and the vicious undead Muppet. "Now, how's about you and the Cap'n make it happen, love."
As Jen braces herself for more horrors her mind can't handle, Boomerang is suddenly crushed under the heel of black Lantern Optimus, spraying her with blood and bone fragments.
"There, that's the last of them." he says "Hey, Dozer guess who's heart I tore out?"
"Who?"
Black Lantern Optimus drops to his knees and looks to the sky and in classic Kirk style screams "KKKKKKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!"
"Hahaha, that's awesome." say the Dozer. "Here's let's get out of here. There's nothing left for us to kill."
The two black lanterns take off laughing, leaving Jen huddled in the fetal position sobbingly singing "I don't wanna wait...for our...lives to be...over."
The Commandos: Jen Linley, Earth-2 Superman, Black Lantern Optimus Prime, and Black Lantern Dozer #1 survive
Team Sleeping Pussy: All Dead.
POP SUPERSTAR HANNAH MONTANA AND PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA'S "BEST OF BOTH WORLDS" TOURING BATTALION OF COMMANDOS IS VICTORIOUS!!!!!
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4 comments:
That was hilarious dude! I was laughing the entire match.
Jen Linley has finally come into her own. She might be my new favorite character on my team.
Dude, Jen was so fun to write. I originally wasn't gonna have her survive, but having her die at the end made the match such a bummer I had to make her survive.
Jen sucks.
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