Monday, May 9, 2011

TEAM vs The Untouchables

TEAM is: Max, Gort, Tao, Anri, Diane, Torre, & Khris from the Shining Force, Luke Skywalker, R2D2, C3P0, Amy Poteracki, The Beyonder, and Krang.

The Untouchables are: Green Arrow, Black Canary, Pyro, Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Bouncing Boy, Triplicate Girl, Timberwolf, Chameleon Boy, and Karate Kid.


(This battle was watched by Watcher Mikatu.)

The Swamps of Dagobah are silent except for the chirping of some unknown space bug.
Max, Gort, Tao, Anri, Diane, Torre, and Khris are all trudging through the swamps in search of their opponents.
Max: “I was told this fight was in the Dagobah SYSTEM; not on dagobah proper, If I had known we would be dragging our boots through this muck I would have brought a change of clothes.”
Gort: “Ach, Aye, this sludge is worse than Diane’s combat skills.”
Max: “Oh shut up, just because she’s…. ok yeah she sucks, you’re right.”
The Beyonder: “SILENCE! We do not have time for your inane prattle, the battle is nearly upon us!”

Unfortunately for the Beyonder, heavy hitters tend to get ganged up on around here, the combined forces of the Legion of Superheroes have set up position and all unload on him at once. Bouncing Boy is slammed into the ground at his feet and bounces up, striking the Beyonder in the chin, dazing him. While the Beyonder reels from the impact Lightning Lad pours 1.21 gigawats of pure energy into the semi-omnipotent creature.
The Beyonder tries to cling to the nearest insulator to let the electricity flow through him but the damp air and even more damp ground of Dagobah keeps the electricity flowing through him until his eyes boil in his skull and run down his cheeks like two over easy eggs.
R2D2: “Bweep boop boop dweet” (Translation: That was messed up!)
C3P0: “Oh my yes, he didn’t stand a chance, you should really get us out of here R2.”
R2D2: “Eng-eng beep boodoo boop badeep boop boop.” (Translation: there’s no way I can get us out of here…)
C3P0: “What do you mean you can’t get us out of here? Remember when you used to fly and set things on fire? Oh nevermind, you overweight rustbucket. We can walk.”
R2D2: “Bwoooooop-woop-woop!” (Translation: oh that’s IT!...)
And with this R2 Spews muddy waste oil all over C3P0 and uses the last bit of juice in his thrusters to set the annoying gold robot on fire.
R2D2: “Beep beep beep boop” (Translation: I’ve been waiting to do that since 2 ABY)
The Screaming and flaming (in more ways than one…) Robot draws the attention of Green Arrow and Black Canary.
They’re investigating the pile of melting scrap when Amy Poteracki springs out of the mud like Arnold in Predator. She drags black canary down by her fishnets and forces her face into the swamp.
Amy: “Try screaming under water you bimbo! And what is with that outfit? I mean a Leather Onesie with fishnets? Really?” Black Canary Stops twitching just before Green Arrow puts a punching bag arrow into the back of Amy’s head, sending her unconscious into the same watery grave his wife is now resting partially in.
Luke: “Aw man! Why did you have to go and do that? The last brunette I was with ended up being my sister and now this one is dead before I can even put the old “jedi mind trick” to good use!”
Green Arrow: “Don’t you have some power converters to buy somewhere?”
Luke: “Yes, I do need to go to Tosche station to pick up some power converters but jerks like you, and vader, and the Wampa keep interrupting me! My whole life has just been one stupid roadblock after another… but now.. NOW I will finally sweep all of these insignificant obstacles out of my way and get my hands on those sweet sweet power converters. I’m gonna convert so much frikkin power you have no idea!”
With this, Luke summons all his strength, drawing on his familiarity with the territory and he summons a Force Swamp Typhoon. The water swirls, chunks of debris fly in every direction, puncturing ancient trees and combatants alike.
The Typhoon smashes into Green Arrow breaking his spine and sending all the arrows in his quiver in an arc towards Pyro, the arrows slam into pyro, followed shortly by Green Arrow himself, killing him instantly.
Unfortunately Luke seems to have lost himself to the dark side, the promise of power converters is just too much temptation for him to overcome, and the typhoon sweeps up the remaining shining force members and Bouncing boy, the debris and sheer force of wind puree’s the video game heroes and the Legion member into a slurry of broken bone and meat.
Triplicate girl charges headlong at Luke in an effort to put him down but he focuses his energy at her clamping down on her trachea, choking the life out of her.
“AAAHHH!” he hears from both sides. He shakes his head to clear the confusion, surely the sound the dying girl is making shouldn’t be that loud.
He doesn’t realize the other two copies of Triplicate girl are sharing her pain. They are also on top of him.
One of the copies takes Luke’s lightsaber off his belt and drives it through his midsection, killing him.
Triplicate girl is reeling from the death of one of her copies. Unfortunately in her collapsed state she is easy prey for Krang who rams one of his gross brain stalk arms into her mouth suffocating her to death.
Karate Kid and Timberwolf finish the fight by drop kicking a gloating Krang directly into R2, shattering the robot and splattering the evil villain.
In a matter of hours the swamps will clean the remnants of the battle and it will be as if nothing had happened here. But that will not change the fact that:


The Untouchables Are Victorious!
Lightning Lad, Saturn Girl, Phantom Girl, Timberwolf, Chameleon Boy, and Karate Kid. Survive.

1 comment:

Lickolas said...

You made Luke do a Force Tornado, you rule.

LONG LIVE SUPER SHADOW!!!