Traveling Sisterhood Vs. The Empire

Season 6: Consolation Round 2

The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets are: Billy Mays, Gwildor w/Cosmic Key, Peppermint Patty, Ewok Child #1A-#2A.

The Empire is: Walking Dead's Carl, Doozer #5, and Teddy Tear.

June 27, 2009

"Hello friends! Billy Mays, "King of the Pitch"
here. You may remember me from such infomercials as Oxi-Clean, Orange Glo, and KaBoom! I'm back on the Home Shopping Network to show you another wonderful product that will change your life forever! Are you tired of wood chippers that can't get the job done, or are just too plain awkward to use?"

The picture becomes black and white, and the camera cuts to Gwildor and Peppermint Patty struggling to load a tree branch into a wood chipper as if it were the hardest thing in the world. They both fumble for a second before giving up, and both strike a classic "I Don't Know" pose. Ewok Child #1A-2A attempt an assist by jumping on the log jam, only to have it unjam instantly and kill them both.

"I'm proud to introduce to you the last wood chipper that you'll ever need! The official FFL Wood Chipper is the easiest to use chipper in the galaxy! Due to the varying nature of FFL combatants, the FFL Chipper had to be the best, most versatile machine ever developed! Permit me to demonstrate. You say a wood chipper can't handle the destruction of a Man of Steel? Just watch as these 6 bars of rebar are shredded before our eyes by this superior FFL product! You may say "That's great Billy, but what about characters that can change to water, sand, or any other material that a normal wood chipper can't handle?" Excellent question, and one that is answered by the engineers at FFL Industries with the optional "FFL Matter Converter!" This miraculous device will change ANY character into a solid object to better aid your chipping needs! Finally, you may say "Gee Billy, sounds awesome! But what about those cosmic powered beings and all of the nasty energy backlash that comes along with killing them?" Fear not, for the "FFL Energy Diffuser" will keep those pesky entropic explosions from killing you, your family, and even from destroying your town! Don't believe me? Here's an unpaid testimonial from an annonymous FFL Watcher!"

"Before the FFL Wood Chipper, a late roster meant that I had to set up increasingly wacky traps to kill teams off. It was like I was trapped in a Road Runner cartoon! Now I just chain the late team together by the necks, hit a button, and BOOM! Problem solved! Thanks FFL Industries!"

"Yes friends, this is your opportunity to upgrade your quality of life! The ease and convenience of the FFL Wood Chipper will save you time, money, and will leave you wondering how you ever lived without it! To purchase this fantastic product, simply dial the number below, and be sure to have your credit card number ready! I'm Billy Mays, and I'll see you all next time!"

1-555-GET-CHPD

"Aaaaand cut!" shouts the Director. Billy Mays, Gwildor, Peppermint Patty, and Ewok Child #1A-2A gather around The Producer. (Wait, you thought that Ewok Child #1A-2A were actually killed?!? Hollywood magic! Don't believe everything that you see on T.V. kids!) They are each handed a check for their efforts. The set of the local Autozone clears out, until only Billy Mays and The Producer are left. "Well done Billy, that's why you're the best in the business!" compliments The Producer. "Yeah...Yeah... Thanks. But, um... You got the stuff, right?" asks Billy, nervously scratching his arm. "You know I always deliver Billy." says The Producer as he pats a briefcase. Billy Mays tries to grab the briefcase, but The Producer holds it out of reach. "Not so fast Billy. You still have to complete your end of the bargain." says The Producer. He points toward the FFL Wood Chipper, where members of The Empire now stand. Carl, Doozer #5, and Teddy Tear await their fate due to the fact that a roster was never turned in by their owner. They are chained together by their necks. "I don't understand why I have to be the one to do this." asks Billy Mays. "I'm sorry Billy, but at this point I'm technically interfering. If I'm going to be run out of this league on a rail, it's going to be for something a lot cooler than this!" says The Producer cryptically. "But this is murder! I'll get in big trouble for this!" yells Billy. "Don't worry Billy, people die everyday in The FFL. Besides Billy, No witnesses." says The Producer as he again strokes the briefcase seductively. "Ok, ok... Can I at least get a little taste first? Y'know, just to calm my nerves..." asks Billy. "Of course Mr. Mays... by all means..." says The Producer as he opens the briefcase that is full of cocaine. Billy Mays is furiously cutting out lines faster than a Watcher up against a tight deadline. I haven't seen rails put down this quick since they built the Trans-Continental Railroad. "KA-KA-KA-YYYEEEAAAAYOOOOWWWW!!!!!!!" sceams Billy Mays while he rapidly pushes the start button on the FFL Wood Chipper. The Empire's players are fed into the machine one by one, and are processed efficiently with no remorse. "WEEEEELLL AAAALLLLLRIIIIGHT!!!!! TA-TA-TA-TAMPA HERE I COME!!!!!!! BYYYAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!' screams Billy Mays as he smashes through the Autozone's concrete wall with briefcase in hand. "Safe travels Mr. Mays. Don't forget. No witnesses..." laughs The Producer to himself.