S7W7: The Horsemen of Apokolips vs. Beckerman's Backyardigans Beeyotches

The Horsemen are: Achillies; Darkseid; Optimus Prime; Roller; Batman; Wonder Woman; The Destroyer (7 DEATHS); Legolas w/Sinestro's Green Lantern Ring (7 DEATHS); Green Lantern Ryan Poteracki; Black Lantern Julie Artrip (9 DEATHS); Ella Artrip wearing Supergirl's cape, w/Blue Lightsaber; Jack Artrip w/Green Lightsaber; Snowflame; Lois Lane (7 DEATHS); Jimmy Olsen w/Flamethrower (7 DEATHS)

The Backyardigans are:  General Zod; Darth Vader; Thane and Thanos; Black Order- Proxima Midnight, Black Dwarf, Ebony Maw, Supergiant, Corvus Glave; & The Wyvern.

Peace At Last

Batman sitting next to Wonder Woman raises his glass to his two guests of honor and asks them to rise.  Darth Vader and Thane stand and raise their glasses as well.

Batman Begins, “For 6 long years we have battled.  After dozens of matches, and countless lives lost, I am happy to say that there is finally peace between The Horsemen and Backyardigans.”

The room, full of combatants from both teams, begin to cheer loudly.  Batman and Vader hold each other in a long man hug that Josh would be jealous of.  Thane looks over at Wonder Woman; they had been stealing glances all evening.  But as the party goes on into the night, Diana retires quietly to her bedroom unbeknownst to anyone but Thane who has not taken his eyes off of her.  Thane thinks his casual move to follow the Amazonian Goddess goes unseen, but Vader watches as his Backyardigan brother goes behind closed doors with Wonder Woman, threatening the efforts of peace his father Thanos has worked so hard to bring to these two teams.

The Sea of Betrayal

The Backyardigans are sailing to Troy.  This is the setting for week 7.  Clutched in his black fist, Vader grasps the peace treaty signed the night before between himself and Batman.  He is ready to present it to Fizzatu and demand that he rules this match a tie with no deaths.  Thane walks up to Vader and doesn’t need to say a word.  The Dark Lord can feel the guilt and see it in his eyes.

“What is it?” Vader asks

“Do you love me, brother?  Would you protect me against any enemy?”  Thane asks with shame in his voice.

Puzzled, Vader asks again,  “What did you do?”

Thane leads Vader below deck to his private quarters.  There sitting on the edge of his bed is none other than Wonder Woman, Diana of Apokolips.

Peace No More

Batman storms into the Horsemen’s locker room, fueled with rage.  Darkseid steps in front of him and calms him down. Batman explains how the Backyardigans drank his wine in the evening and stole their teammate in the morning.

“I want her back so I can kill her myself!” Batman screams.  He looks at Darkseid and asks, “Where’s Supes?  I want to destroy the Backyardigans!”

Annoyed, Darkseid reassures Batman, “We will get her back.  And we will win this matchup.  But we don’t need the big man.  I’ll take care of this with you.”

“We will need Achilles though.  And Achilles doesn’t like you, Darkseid.  Good luck recruiting him.”  Says Prime joining the conversation.  “Perhaps I can convince him.  In exchange for a spot on the roster this week, perhaps?”

“I dont know.  He’s been unpredictable lately.  I can’t control him.”  Says Darkseid.

“You don’t need to control him.  You need to UNLEASH him.” Prime replies

“So be it.” Says Darkseid.  “Just don’t mention it to that coke head he’s been hanging out with lately.  That guy is more annoying than Anonymous.”

Just as Darkseid feared, Optimus Prime finds Achilles training with Snowflame.  Achilles is teaching Snowflame how to move and kill with a sword. Snowflame is showing Achilles how to snort cocaine off the blade.

“YOU EVER TRY THIS S**T, PRIME?!?!” Yells Achilles.

Prime is able to convince Achilles, with little effort, to go back to the land that made him famous.  Afraid of not being able to find a hookup in Troy, Achilles insists that Snowflame must come along as well.

Darkseid assembles the team above and are transported into ships sailing across the Aegean Sea.  Just 2 ships though, not a thousand.  Wonder Woman will now forever be known as the “Whore that launched a couple ships”.

Backyardigans Arrival

Vader arrives at the Gates of Troy and informs the others of Thane’s betrayal.  

“I’m so mad that I could kill you” Thanos says to his son.

Thanos orders the Black Order to take the defensive behind the walls and wait for the Horsemen.  Zod commands the Wyvern to attack first on the beach.  

Horsemen Land Ashore

The boats rock violently on the rough waters.  The young Ella (who can barely make it through a car ride across town without throwing up) is puking heavily over the side railing.  Her mother is holding back her hair while trying to keep her youngest from putting the wrong end of his lightsaber in his mouth.  As the first boat stops suddenly into the shore, the mother’s worst fear is realized as the jerking motion causes the toddlers hands to ignite the lightsaber through the back of his tiny skull.  Darkseid and Prime step onto the beach first followed by Batman, Lois Lane, and Jimmy Olsen.  The loud screeching of the Wyvern is heard overhead and flames shoot from his mouth as he blankets the beach with fire.  The bow of the ship is ablaze and GL Ryan is able to jump to shore.  BL Julie could make the jump as well but after already watching one child fall, does not want to leave the side of her daughter.  The two Artrip girls are helpless as the Wyvern comes by for a second attack.  Jimmy Olsen returns the favor on the giant dragon with his flame thrower and singes his wings.  The Wyvern turns now to face Jimmy and the two exchange blasts of flames that send the other Horsemen running further into shore to escape the intense heat.  Jimmy’s body is finally consumed and the Wyvern is hurt badly and has lost his bearings temporarily.  It flies toward the screams on the ship as the flames have now forced the two to the railing at the stern of the ship.  The boat lists quickly as the Wyvern lands on the deck.  Julie, who has recovered her son’s lightsaber, climbs on the back of the giant beast.  The Wyvern takes to the sky with the young Ella in its claw.  Ella ignites her lightsaber and cuts a talon off the foot of the giant beast.  This causes him to release the child who falls to her watery grave.  Enraged, Julie climbs his neck, and as the Wyvern is screaming in pain, Julie leaps into the mouth of the dragon and runs the lightsaber into his skull through the roof of his mouth.  The two fall back to the earth and the mast of the ship skewers the creature and Julie’s body falls dead into the burning remains of the ship.

The second Horsemen ship arrives with Achilles and Snowflame, both with freshly powdered noses.  The rest the ship empties and the remaining members of the defending champions pour onto the beach and setup camp.  In their tent, Snowflame tells Achilles how excited he is for tomorrow’s battle.  

“Yeah… About that,” Achilles says, “Darkseid thinks he’s Billy Badass so why don’t we just let him fight it out tomorrow and we just stay in the tent and do blow all day.”

“But I want to fight!  Some of us don’t get the start every week so we need to make the most of it.”  Snowflame says back.  “And on top of that, I think you need to cut back on the drugs.  You are getting a little bit out of hand”

“Nonsense.  I got a handle on it”

The First Attack

The sun has risen and the Horsemen are no longer protected by the cover of darkness.  Vader, Thanos and The Black Order stand in front of the walls watching the approaching army.  The Horsemen charge forward and Darkseid gets the party started by shooting an energy blast toward the group sending them all scattering out of formation.  Quickly they break off into smaller groups to fight.  Legolas and GL Ryan use their rings to grab a hold of Ebony Maw while Achilles moves in and relieves him of his head.  Supergiant then uses her mind control to take over Legolas, before he knows what is happening, Legolas has speared GL Ryan in the heart and now begins to target Batman who is locked in a tight battle with Black Dwarf.

“What’s your problem?” Batman screams at Legolas.

Seeing that Legolas is not himself, he grabs ahold of Black Dwarf and uses him as a human shield as he rushes the elf.  Legolas has filled the back of Black Dwarf’s head with arrows and green energy blasts while trying to target his own teammate.  Batman throws the dead body of Black Dwarf onto Legolas who is crushed under his enemy’s massive weight.

Supergiant turns her attention to Batman who tries desperately to resist her mind control.  Optimus Prime sees what is happening and moves in to eliminate her.  The husband and wife duo of Proxima Midnight and Corvus Glaive know that defending their telepath is key to victory so they place themselves in the way of Prime.  Glaive attacks the Autobot leader as his blade cuts into his metal skin.  Proxima beats into his chest sending him reeling backward.  In an act of giant robot love, The Destroyer moves in to help his comrade and beeyotch smacks Proxima over the giant wall of troy and into a kitchen where she belongs.  Dazed by the blow, she hurries to get back to the side of her husband. Glaive tries desperately to ward off the double robot attack.  It looks like all is almost lost when suddenly, Prime falls to the ground, his feet bound by Batman’s grappling hook.  Prime looks over to see Supergiant who has finally gained control of the defender of Gotham.  This is his last image as Glaive uses all his might to thrust his sword into his skull (or engine) of the mighty Optimus.  The Destroyer is slap happy and is able to smack Glaive on his back.  With his sword still stuck in the neck of Prime, Glaive is vulnerable and The Destroyer uses the opportunity to crush the skull of Glaive with his giant foot.

Proxima has arrived back on the field of battle just in time to watch her husband fall.  Fueled with rage she rushes the metal giant and scales his back.  Roller tries to stop her but without the help of Prime he is of little resistance and she tears the tiny autobot in two. She begins to bash in his skull briefly before he snatches her from his back and slams her to the ground.  He then power punches her torso into the ground crushing her chest.  Thanos takes a break from dueling with Darkseid and uses this chance to finally end the Destroyer’s reign of terror by concentrating an energy blast that takes his head off.

“Say Cheese” Lois Lane says as she snaps a picture of Supergiant.  This simple act breaks her concentration and Batman is finally freed from the mental hold he was under.  Batman joins Achilles and Darkseid as they are moving in to take on Thanos who has regrouped with Supergiant (who are now standing in a puddle of Lois Lane blood.)  Darkseid uses a blast of energy to stun Thanos and Batman restrains Supergiant as Achilles removes her head.  Suddenly, a lightsaber goes through the chest of Achilles and as he falls, Batman and Darkseid see Vader standing behind him.  As his body falls, his helmet falls off and they all see that the man in Achilles’s armor is not Achilles, but Snowflame who was eager for glory.

“Who the eff is that?” asks Vader annoyed.

“It was his hookup.” says Batman.  

The two sides agree to regroup and fight again in the morning.  Collecting their dead, they return to camp.

The Horsemen Camp

Achilles is roused from his drug induced slumber as he hears his team returning from battle.  He exits his tent and sees a bloodied Darkseid and Batman returning from battle.  

“Did I miss the fight?” Achilles asks. “Where is everyone else?  Where is Snowflame?!?”

“Killed Achilles.  Vader took his life”  Says Batman.

Furious, Achilles goes into his tent and buries his face in a huge pile of cocaine that Tony Montana would be proud of.

Behind the Walls

Zod, Vader and Thanos discuss strategy back in Troy.  The trio no longer trusts Thane as he is not invited to the meeting.  He doesn’t seem to mind as he and Wonder Woman have yet to leave the bedroom since they arrived in Troy.  Dawn is breaking and a voice can be heard screaming from outside the walls.

“VA-DERRRRR!”

“VA-DERRRRR!”

The three Backyardigan leaders look at each other.  Vader turns and leads the trio out of the room.

Final Battle

Vader, Zod and Thanos open the doors of Troy and walk out to face Achilles, Batman and Darkseid.  Wonder Woman and Thane have gone to the top of the wall to watch the final battle.  The air is silent for a few moments before Achilles charges at Vader.  Achilles moves too quick for even the Jedi Master.  Batman uses his grapple gun to hold back the arm of Vader and Achilles cuts his arm clean off with a single swipe of his blade.  Preoccupied and exposed, Batman is scorched with heat vision from General Zod.  Achilles scoops up Vaders lightsaber and in one acrobatic thrust, runs the sword into the chest of Dru-Zod.  As Zod falls in his final act he is able to grab the ankle of the greek half god and throw him into the awaiting fist of Thanos who blasts him into the heavens.  

Darkseid immediately goes on the offensive and attacks Thanos.  The two supervillains are locked in an intense battle, each testing the strength and will of the other with attacks increasing in power and duration.  Power punches, heat and energy blasts, electric shocks.  In the end it is finally Thanos who falls.  Thane moves to the edge of the wall and looks over at his fallen father.  They have never been the best of friends before but he suddenly feels the urge to attack.  Darkseid hears gasping for breath behind him.  Vader is laying on the ground bleeding out.  Darkseid kneels over the sith lord.

“Why did you underestimate the Horsemen?  Why did you underestimate Darkseid!?” Darkseid says

Vader coughs and gasps for air.  “I think it’s you who underestimated the power of the dark side!”  Vader uses the force to pull his saber back from the body of Achilles and sink it into the body of Darkseid.  Without a moment's hesitation, Darkseid teleports them both himself and Vader into the sun, killing them both.

Thane looks out at the battle field and says to his new love.  “I guess we finally got peace between the Horsemen and the Backyardigans.”

Wonder Woman stands behind Thane and massages his shoulders.  “You think our owners will ever learn the lesson that this battle brought us today?”

“What lesson is that my dear?” Thane asks.

Wonder woman leans in close and whispers in his ear.  “Never trust a Horseman.”  With her final syllable she loops her lasso around his neck and throws him over the wall.  Thane fights for his life as he dangles from the wall.  He shoots an energy blast from his left hand that Wonder Woman deflects back at Thane with her bracelets and his body finally goes limp.