Season 8 Week 3: B3 vs The Real Men

The Real Men are:

Black Lantern Sunstorm

Slugslinger

Caliburst

Trigger Happy

Blow Pipe

Condor-Silverhawks

Imperial Shuttle with-

Ice Man - Top Gun

Slider - Top Gun

Dr No

Ernst Blofeld

Donald "red" Grant

Francisco Scaramango

Major William Lennox

Chief Master Sargeant Robert Epps

ACWO Jorge Figeroa

1st Sgt Donnely

Gree

Ben Quadrineros

Zooti Frugan

Robonino

Pac Man

Ms Pac Man

Baby Pac Man

Glados

Michael Tank Ellis

Cp Jennifer Pilot Chase

The Burger King

Bill Cosby

Jeb Bush

Nancy Pelosi

Metallica: Hetfield, Ulrich, Hammet, Newsted

Megadeth: Mustane, Friedman, Ellefson, Menza

Hammer Bros. 17-22

Rebel Trooper 1

Predator 45

Neo-Cymek 20

Beckermans Backyardigans Beeeeeeeeyatches are:

General Zod

Firestorm (Jason Rusch)

White Lantern Kyle Rayner

Yellow Lantern 2

Red Lantern Hal Jordan

Vampire Kilowog

Razor

Aya

Black Order: Proxima Midnight

Black Order: Black Dwarf

Black Order: Ebony Maw

Black Order: Supergiant

Black Order: Corvus Glaive

Black Lantern Circuit Breaker

Molar: Eternian Dentist

Black Lantern Ben Kenobi

Dr. Evil

Mini Me

#2

Space…. The final… you know what who are we kidding, this is insane. 

Why are we doing this?  We’re just slamming huge lists of heroes and villains together like some kind of mentally challenged toddler trying to make Barbie “do it” with Cobra Commander.. Even though it makes NO sense… I mean just on a biological level…  that chick’s huge and I’m pretty sure Cobra Commander’s junk doesn’t work in the first place or else he’d probably have let the whole GI Joe grudge go a while ago? 

How many weather dominators does a guy with a working dork make before he realizes he’s wasting his life you know?

Don’t even get me started on the whole snake motif being a surrogate for his non-functioning…. 

Ya know what?  Nevermind… I remember why we’re doing this. 

So Ahem… starting over:

Space… 

It’s big.  It’s … empty.  It provides basically no backdrop at all.  No landmarks. No interesting terrain features… hell no “terrain” features in the first place… it’s just big and empty and black… like the mind of our Presid... *record scratch* (sorry about that folks… I paid Chris Christie to ghost write this thing... and clearly it’s not going to work out… we’ll now return to our regularly scheduled program…)

Space….

Space Right? How does that work? Is everything super clean because it’s vacuumed all the time? 

How do you tell which way is north when there’s no magnetic pole to tell you?    Hell how do you remember which way is even up once you’re out in the black…

Which is exactly the problem the Real Men are facing… they’re mostly crammed into an imperial shuttle…  Sending space capable scouts out through the airlock to try and locate something… anything… to lead them to somewhere. They mistakenly installed GladOS over top of the shuttles Nav computer and there isn’t a droid in sight that can tell them which way is which out here…

It’s not like you can just point at a star and “go that way”   those things are millions of light-years apart, and if you’re off by an inch you’re off by a lifetime on the other end…  

So there they are… the top gun guys… the guys from  Transformers... Megadeth and Metallica are having a “pretentious off” in the background talking (ok yell/whining really) about which band is more metal…  The burger king is… where did he go? 

JESUS CHRIST he’s right behind me isn’t he!?….

Creepy bastard… ok moving on…

Lots of noise and chatter all comes abruptly to a halt when the imperial shuttle is opened like a sardine can by Firestorm and Black Lantern Kenobi… 

The entire Real Men squad is decimated in an instant leaving only Black Lantern Sunstorm, Slugslinger, Caliburst, Trigger Happy, Blow Pipe and Condor alive. 

The Cybertronian Alloys that transformers are made of turns out just to be an unusual combination of common earth metals… Giant robots are immediately turned into sheet aluminum and torn to shreds by Red Lantern Hal Jordan.

Sunstorm and Condor square off bravely against the entirety of B3 to no avail… Condor is drained of his blood by Vampire Kilowog… Sunstorm and Firestorm square off but Sunstorm can barely keep up with Firestorm let alone handle him and the rest of B3.  

Ultimately Sunstorm is simply crushed to death by the combined might of the Black Order.

All of the Real Men have been destroyed… with the exception of GladOS who is still installed in the ships computer… spiraling off into space in a cloud of sparking debris.