Round 2: Consolation: The Wacky Races

Griswold’s Nut-busters are: Dexter Jettster, Uncle Buck, Marlon Brando, and Doozer #15 in a Y-1300 Light Frieghter.

Brock Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies are Jedi-Fire (Immell #10), ALF (w/ a halberd), Dorf, Rolf the Dog, Oscar the Grouch, and Brony Becks in The Punisher Van.

The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets is Ron Popeil, Papa Smurf, Ratts Tyrelle, Lolo, and Jawa #11 in The T-Ship.

Layanderletson’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family are Capt. Jimmy Wilder, Sonja the Hedgehog, and Manic the Hedgehog in The Shark Ship.

Charles Barkley’s Turrible Decisions are Space Ghost in an A-Wing.

The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse is Michael Knight, Tom Brady (w/ a Blue lantern ring), and KITT.

The Empire is Jim Leyland and Watchdog #2-5 in an Ornithopter.

Miley and Obama’s Best of Both World’s Touring Battalion of Commandos are James McLeod, Sir Winston Churchill, John Turner, and Chevel in a Submarine.


Well…… Boys and girls, welcome to The Wacky Races!! Today’s race will begin right here at The Milky Way’s own star known to the folks around here as “The Sun” we will go all the way around the 9th planet known as Pluto (Screw you Pluto haters, it’ll always be a planet to me) and then back along the other side to the finish line here, just past Mercury.

On your marks…

Get set….

GO!!!!

And they’re off!! All except Space Ghost, who seems to be hanging back on purpose for a while like a ghost in space, Oh, and The Punisher Van is stalled. Let’s take a look inside the cab to see what the problem is with the miniature, mobile, bringer of war.

Oscar the Grouch: This Van is the pits, I told you guys we should have taken something else.

ALF (in the driver’s seat): It was the only vehicle that could fit us all, besides I piloted much worse vehicles out of Melmac back in the day. This thing seems to be in fine order, except for the fact that it won’t start.

Brony-Becks: Well, at least with me here we get an extra added horsepower.

Dorf (in the passenger seat): What the h*&L are you talking about Becks??

Brony-Becks: Well, naturally I’m a horse so I give extra horsepower.

Jedi-Fire: No, you are a horse in the back of a van. That weighs down the vehicle more and contributes nothing. That doesn’t add “horsepower”.

MEANWHILE…

Space Ghost has decided to finally take off and join the fray; and you can see why he wanted to hang back at first in his sleek and small A-Wing because the race got rough early with plenty of ship ramming and laser blasts flying around. Although Space Ghost may be hard-pressed to catch up to the leaders as the rest of the pack has already passed Venus.

The T-Ship is off to an early lead, as they are going back and forth between separating into five different ships to fight off the other ships, and then reattaching to widen their lead by combining thruster power. We have Ron Popeil in the main front spot controlling the computers, with Ratts Tyrelle in the center main pilot cockpit. Papa Smurf and the Jawa have the two side gunner spots, while Lolo has the little back, kinda useless area where Beast Boy usually sits. They reform again for a little while though once they pass Mars on their way into the asteroid field. After all they don’t want the smaller ships to take damage once they are in there, especially once Popeil runs his Ronco probability scanner and comes to realize that the chances of successfully navigating an asteroid field are 3,720 to 1.

KITT is in second place, following close behind the T-Ship, as they too enter the asteroid field between Mars and Jupiter.

Michael Knight: Dang Beebs, KITT sure is ridin awesome today!! Don’t ya think.

Brady: Of course. I totally concur. Whatever is best for the team of course. That’s why I’m here, I just wanted to go out and give it everything I had. Can I ask why you keep calling me Beebs?? By the way…..

Knight: Aren’t you Justin Bieber?? You look so familiar.

Brady: No, I’m Tom Brady: Superbowl Champion, Michigan Graduate, Supermodel husband, and all around awesome guy. I can see why you would make the mistake though friend. Bieber, like me does have some wicked abs and some amazing hair!!

Knight: Well, either way. It’s good to be with you today. And more importantly, DANG does this car seem to be running great.

KITT (in goofy robotic voice): Thank you Michael.

Knight: I mean, even in this asteroid field, the maneuverability is great, and KITT, you are riding like a Cadillac. I mean, for an 80s sports car the smoothness of this ride is amazing. The tire pressure must be way low; but I’m not complaining. These tires have to have been deflated some. Do you know anything about that Tom??

Brady: No, of course not. Let’s not be ridiculous. How would I know anything about the tires being deflated. People check that sort of thing, I have no direct control over it.

Knight: Oh, just wondering.

Brady: Listen Michael: the league has no way of proving that I had anything to do with the tires of this car being deflated. I mean, I realize that I am on record saying that I prefer deflated tires; but it is totally irrelevant.

Knight: Sure, whatever you say dude. Maybe the weather magically deflated the tires, or one of our other teammates did it completely independently, for no reason, or just to make you happy without you actually knowing that it would make you happy. I mean it makes perfect sense.

Brady: Can I interest you in some signed merchandise. Game balls, jerseys, trading cards…. Whatever you want with my awesome name plastered on it, I can totally arrange for you. Just because I’m such a nice guy though. No other reason intended. Although I would prefer you never mention anything about this to anyone ever, under no circumstances. Did I mention that my wife’s a supermodel. She’s be happy to sign a poster for you…

MEANWHILE….

The Commandos, led by Prime Minister Churchill and piloted by James McLeod in their submarine take a hard left into the asteroid field in an attempt to take a short cut by avoiding having to go around all of the gas giants and pop out the other side of the asteroid field for the easy win.

Turner: Isn’t this cheating??

Churchill: OH BLOODY HELL!! Who are you, some modern day historian who wants to pick apart all of my actions and then ignore the fact that there is a bloody war going on. Bloody nancy-boys. Next you will probably tell me I shouldn’t be smoking this cigar, just because we are in a submarine, or in space, or something bloody ridiculous like that. It matters not to me my good chaps for remember to: “Never, never, never Surrender”.

Chevel: I like Cheerios. They help me poop.

Churchill: What in the bloody hell is wrong with that guy??

McLeod: Oh, don’t mind Chevel. He’s a damn good goalie but he’s not all there if you know what I mean. He was Mike Illitch’s very first attempt at cloning. This is why he doesn’t direct clone anymore. If you want the whole backstory just ask Josh or Mike Sroka sometime. It will really be life-changing. And by life-changing I of course mean that you will either kill yourself or end up in a mental institution after the first twenty minutes.

MEANWHILE:

In the ornithopter Skipper Jim Leyland is barking orders and making his Watchdogs constantly switch who is flying the ship to make sure that they all have the proper rest for the postseason that their team never seems to win a match in.

Leyland (while chewing and smoking a cigarette): Mur-mur-mur-mur-mur-mur-mur. Mur Mur. MUR MUUUUR.

Watchdog #2: Who the hell are you Pepper Brooks??

Watchdog #3: What are we doing here anyway??

Watchdog #4: Well, we are The Watchdogs. Which means that we must be here in a consolation match, after our owner’s conscientious objection to all things consolation. We are the dudes that the Commish always plays for him when he refuses to put up a team every year. It also means that considering that we have been in this match for almost half a page now, that we are probably all about to die in about 5 seconds.

Watchdog #5: Good call. Oh, and here it comes…

The Y-1300 Light Freighter, looking very similar to everybody’s favorite fantasy space ship rockets past the Empire’s ornithopter and blows it out of space with a shot from Uncle Buck from one of the side mounted guns.

Uncle Buck: HA!! I got em!!

Dexter Jettster (from the cockpit): Great Fatso. Don’t get cocky!!

Uncle Buck then joins Dexter in the cockpit to let him know that the thrusters aren’t working again.

Dex: Yeah, I know. I’ve got the doozer working on it. What is Brando doing??

Buck: Oh, he’s back at the sitting area, where we really should put some sort of 3D, digital display chess board or something. Last I saw him he was eating an entire pork roast.

Dex: What’s the matter with that guy anyway!??! Doesn’t he realize we are in the middle of a race right now.

Buck: I’ll tell what’s the matter with him. He doesn’t know how to share, that’s what’s the matter. That pork looked delicious.

MEANWHILE….

In The Shark Ship.

Capt. Jimmy Wilder: “As the good reverend would say: hold on little hedgehogs this is going to be a fast ride”.

Sonja: Oh, don’t worry about us. We know all about fast.

Manic: Yeah, our brother Sonic is the fastest. If he were here, he’d just get out and push to the finish line first.

Sonja: Yeah, he really would. Especially since Josh is completely ignoring all laws of physics in this match and pretty much taking a dump on science as a whole.

Wilder: Good to know, little fellers. So you guys must be pretty fast too huh?? Well, let’s out you two to work. What can you do for us??

Sonja: Well, you can’t fly the Shark Ship without 3 people, so we’re doing that.

Wilder: Well, we all know that. But what special speed tricks do you know to help us win this race.

Manic: Oh, pretty much none. Sonic is the fast one, we just mostly hang out.

Wilder: Well, you had your own cartoon, I mean you had to of done something on it. I mean, naturally I never watched it personally, cuz, well…. Nobody did. But what was your special talent on the show??

Manic: Oh, it’s like I said. Pretty much nothing. We just mostly sat back and watched our brother Sonic be fast, and do fast things.

Wilder: WOW. So….. Nothing at all huh??

Manic: Well, I mean, we would get captured on occasion…

MEANWHILE

Space Ghost is stealthily moving up the pack as most of the squads have already made the swing around Pluto and the leaders are now passing Neptune and now coming up on Uranus (nope not gonna make a butthole joke).

MEANWHILE…

The Punisher Van still hasn’t moved. When Rolf the Dog taps Dorf on the should and prompts Dorf to ask ALF a strange question:

Dorf: What are you trying to start the van with.

ALF: My butter knife. Why?? That’s what I always start the ships with back on Melmac.

Brony-Becks: Where the hell is the key??

ALF: They told me that the key unlocked the door. Ever since I unlocked it for us I threw it off into space. I mean, why do we need a key once the door is unlocked and we’re all inside the van…. SHEESH??

Brony-Becks: Hmm, I guess we won’t need my extra horsepower after all.

MEANWHILE…

The Midgets are still in the lead, as they pass by Jupiter and reenter the asteroid field just as Sir Winston and his crew are making their cheating play to come through the other side.

Churchill: FULL SPEED AHAEAD!!

McLeod: Aye aye Captain.

Turner: I’m not sure Chevel; but I think this dude is drunk.

Churchill: “I may be drunk, but in the morning I’ll be sober. And you’ll still be ugly”!!

But before Churchill can yell full speed ahead again. The T-Ship completely T-bones the submarine causing a massive explosion and killing all members on board of both ships.

MEANWHILE…

KITT is in the lead, as all the ships pass through the Midget/Commando rubble. Space Ghost in his speedy little A-Wing has passed The Nut-busters in 4th, the Kitties in 3rd, and is gaining on KITT. KITT tries to block Space Ghost out, but The A-Wing whips around the Trans Am and takes the lead. Michael Knight sticks his body out the window with a gun, but Space Ghost pops out of the A-Wing cockpit for a second, hits the middle button on his armband and sends a laser blast into the face of Knight. Tom Brady bursts into tears after some blood got in his hair, causing him to exclaim that: “This is why I always wear a helmet.

While this is going on, the stragglers are still back at Mars, while Space Ghost has passed earth, passing Venus and now rocketing across the finish line. KITT and Brady with deflated tires far prematurely worn out grab second place shortly afterwards.

The Kitties and The Nut-busters are battling for the next place when they notice that the reports were wrong.

Ron Popeil’s section of the ship is still functioning, and has rocketed past Griz’s Y-13000 and taken a pot-shot at The Shark Ship, blowing a hole in the side, causing both Capt. Wilder and Sonja the Hedgehog to fall out into space and sending the small ship into a (shark)tailspin. The Y-13000 and the T-Ship Segment break into a laser battle as Capt. Dexter sends Marlon Brando up to man the guns.

Dex: If only we had the thrusters fixed we could rocket to the finish line with ease.

Brando squeezes himself into the gunner’s chair but the turret gets blasted by Popeil causing Brando to fall out as well as causing the ship to burst ahead for a moment.

Dex: Did you see how much faster we started moving after Brando’s fat butt fell out of this thing?? I had no idea that his weight was weighing us down so much. I thought this was supposed to be a transport vessel??

Uncle Buck, then in a selfless and daring move figures how much he must be weighing down the ship too. Buck then leaps out of the hole in the side of the craft giving even less weight distribution which causes Dexter and the doozer to rocket past Popeil and grab third place. Ron seems content with still placing in the money, when in what is left of The Shark Ship Manic the Hedgehog see the ultimate ending to a ridiculous kid’s movie in a large red button that says “Super Fast Mode”.

Manic forces himself over to the other chair and says: “I got fast for ya. Even Sonic would be proud of this one”!!

Manic then pushes the button and causes what is left of the banged up Shark Ship to blast ahead and just barely beat Popeil by a nose (a Shark Nose of course).