The morning sun warms the open plains of the Playoff Planet. A gentle breeze passes over the wheat field of a nearby farm. The setting is currently quite serene for a day that will soon be consumed in utter devastation and anguish. The sun shines into a large red barn where we find White Lantern Deadman kneeling in front of a bale of hay, praying.
“S#!%, are you done yet?” asks Taylor Swift as she wipes away the orange drink that she spilled all over her lap just moments ago.
Deadman slowly opens his eyes and turns his attention to the singer as he stands up. “Yes, and I’d appreciate you not saying those four-letter words, thank you,” he says to her.
The White Lantern looks up towards the upper level of the barn, where the Magical Society of Commandos has begun their preparations for the upcoming battle.
“Come Taylor, our destiny lies elsewhere,” White Lantern Deadman says to Swift as he teleports them from the barn in a bright flash of white light.
As the witches continue to chant, the sky above the barn becomes increasingly dark. The clouds seem to at first collapse in on them, but then quickly shoot outward. A large purple lightning bolt bursts from the heavens and explodes through the roof of the barn. The members of the Susperia Witch Clan and the Secret Circle are all knocked backwards. As the smoke clears, Diana Meade sees that they have erroneously brought forth Amatsu Mikaboshi, the Chaos King.
“You toy with powers that you can’t possibly even begin to fathom on how to control,” the Chaos King growls. “But I will gladly provide you with a proper demonstration.”
The Chaos King whips around, turning his limbs in to razor sharp talons and slash through Jake Armstrong, Adam Conant and Suspiria Witch #4 with ease. The Lantern ring wielding Suspiria witches quickly retaliate with a concussive blast of red, yellow and indigo energy, but Mikaboshi uses his mastery over dark magic to effortlessly absorb the energy. The Chaos King begins to laugh to himself as the witches seem to be powerless to hurt the deity.
“Yeah this is not happening,” says Cassie Blake. “I’m way too attractive to be killed off this early. Girls lets show the Japanese b!%@# how we do things in Chance Harbor.”
The four members of the Secret Circle surround the Chaos King and simultaneous hit the deity with a multitude of magical spells. However the Chaos King counters their spells with a more powerful blast of dark magic. The blast vaporizes several members of the Susperia Witch Coven, but it is Melissa Glaser who is made to suffer.
“Melissa!!!” shouts Faye Chamberlain as she watches her friend begin to decompose right before Faye’s very eyes.
Anger swells in Faye’s soul as she turns back to attack the Chaos King. The Susperia Witch Coven aids the Secret Circle as they intensify their attack on Mikaboshi, but they simply are not powerful enough. The Chaos King unleashes an enormous wave of dark magic that causes the barn to explode into splinters. The witches are sent flying, scattering through the wheat field.
“Children! You are all children compared to me!! I am forever!” shouts the Chaos King.
There is then a bright yellow flash high above the field. Ginny Weasley leaps out from the light and lands in front of Mikaboshi.
“That may be, but even forever has to end. Incendio!” Ginny quips as she knocks Mikaboshi back with a bolt of fire.
As the yellow aura dissipates, Dr. Fate reveals himself as the one who teleported Ginny to the farmland.
The Helm of Nabu glows bright as Dr. Fate focuses on the Chaos King, who stammers backwards.
The Chaos King chokes as he is attacked by the group of witches “Noooo…. You cannot defeat me… I am…..”
“Dead,” quips Cassie Blake.
Then all nine remaining members of the Magical Society of Commandos shout in unison, “AVADA KEDAVRA!!!” thus destroying the deity known as the Chaos King.
As the skies clear and the sun begins to shine down on the farmland, Dr. Fate teleports the witches away to another part of the battle.
High above the Playoff Planet, in his Oval Office within Rama, Head Coach Barack Obama looks deeply within his Palantir and sees the victory that his team has just garnered over the Chaos King. He turns to his trusted War Cabinet who has gathered before him.
“This is going to be one hell of a battle,” Obama says as he wipes the sweat from his brow.
Duke looks at his Head Coach and says, “You’re right. And we are going to need every last able body out on that battlefield to do it.”
“I know what you are going to ask, Duke and I cannot risk you being out in the field. You are much too valuable to this organization to be lost in combat,” replies Obama.
Duke stands up as he responds, “With all due respect, sir. I was not asking.”
“Mr. President, Duke is right. We need everyone out there,” adds Optimus Prime. “We were handedly defeated by the Backyardigans the last time we met in the Universe Bowl. And this time, as we saw in their performance in their Conference Finals appearance, they are not pulling any punches. If we are to succeed we will have to throw everyone we have at our disposal.”
Head Coach heavy heartedly shakes his head, “I know.” He turns and peers out the window that has been installed in Rama, looking towards the massive space station known as The Death Star. “And possibly a little more than that.”
Meanwhile down on the Playoff Planet, two old compatriots have been fortunate enough to find themselves on the same team for the first time in their FFL careers, thanks to the de-expansion that occurred prior to the start of this season. Aragorn and Legolas walk along the icy tundra when they stumble upon some strange foot prints.
Legolas says to his longtime friend, “What manner of creature leaves a foot print even lighter than that of an elf, yet also has next to no body heat?”
Aragorn crouches down and gently brushes his hand across the snow, “In my years as a Ranger, I have experienced such a creature. You should sheath your bow Legolas. Only head shots from blades as sharp as ours are going to be useful up against what we are about to do battle with.”
The two members of The Fellowship look up to see the group in which they were tracking approach. The six vampires sparkle in the sun, as they line up for battle. They have their feet planted firmly in the snow waiting for the proper second to spring forward, all except their leader Carlisle, whose feet hover just a few inches above the ground courtesy of his Star Sapphire ring. Aragorn begins to unsheathe Anduril; but before it is even ready for battle, the Cullens have already begun their charge. They start charging toward the Elf/Dunadan combo at an alarmingly fast rate, being in no way slowed by the icy, snow covered terrain. Aragorn stands prepared with the sword that was broken and then forged again at the ready, when he notices that Legolas has his bow drawn, with an arrow firmly placed and drawn back despite Aragorn's warnings.
Legolas eases his mind by saying, “Fear not old friend, my arrows carry a bit more of a sting than they used to.”
He then gives out a slight glimmer from his green lantern ring to remind his captain of the power that backs up his already significant skill. Legolas's aim is true as he shoots in the direction of Esme. His arrow gains a green circular aura working almost like a will powered saw blade which slices through the granite hard neck of Esme. Green sparks fly as the energy saw separates her head from her body. The vampires are now upon the two warriors and unfortunately for Legolas his arrow trick quickly becomes no longer an option, as Jasper bears his teeth and bites directly through the center of the elven bow. The five Cullens and the two residents of Middle Earth begin to clash fiercely with each other, but theirs is not the only skirmish that is taking place in the arctic region...
Man-At-Arms, and his daughter Teela have crossed in to the arctic when they hear a loud engine approaching, coming from the city area. They take cover as they see the F-Zero hover-car come blasting through the snow and ice. Boba Fett has attached himself to the top of the car when he uses his jetpack to rocket off of it to safety, after realizing that the apparent destination of the car is not going to be good. The hover-car crashes in to a large ice outcropping and bursts in to flames.
Teela looks to her father and says, “The pilot of that vehicle couldn't have possibly survived.”
Duncan looks towards the wreckage, stroking his moustache and retorts, “Hmm, don't be to certain Teela, there are some strange characters in this league.”
Boba Fett approaches the wreckage as Wolverine is cracking his neck and walking away from the fire, his hair still smoking. “Nice driving Logan,” Fett says to his partner in crime in his ever raspy voice.
A final cut finishes healing on Logan’s face as he replies to Fett, “What, like I know how to drive a god#@$n hover-car. I hit the super speed, and it shot up to five hundred miles an hour. You think you could have done better bub?”
“Yes, actually,” Boba Fett says as the two of them turn and begin walking side by side.
They notice in the distance that Man-At-Arms and Teela are standing up from the spot in which they took cover and moving east towards what appears to be another skirmish between several combatants.
The bounty hunter says to Wolverine, “It looks like there is a fight that we could possibly be of use in friend.”
“And two Commandos we can skewer on the way,” adds Wolverine, to be promptly followed by the sound of his adamantium claws popping from his hands.
They rush towards the two Eternians but find that they are much more capable of fighters than they may have originally appeared to be. Teela and Fett take aim at each other with their blasters, but both combatants are quick enough to evade the others blasts. Wolverine and Man-At-Arms on the other hand fight with a much more up close and personal style, as Duncan keeps Logan's claws at bay with his mace. The two fights rage on as the Fellowship duo continue to battle the vampire family.
Aragorn dodges a violet energy blast from Carlisle's Star Sapphire ring but in this act finds himself underneath the leaping Alice. Alice is coming down fast, in an attack position, but Aragorn manages to move even faster than the vampire and puts his sword directly in the path of her neck, scraping across her stone hard skin and cracking through it. As this battle wages on, the two encounters are inadvertently finding themselves moving closer to each other. Legolas, with his bow no longer an option swings his Elven short swords in a whirling motion to remove the head of the muscular Emmett, before he can deliver what would have been a fatal double-handed punch to the skull of the Woodland Elf. Legolas spins in one fluid motion, without slowing down for a second after killing Emmett. He instantly finds that Rosalie is furious at seeing her mate die at the hands of the elf and attacks in a fury. But unfortunately for the Cullen family her fate is no different than that of her brother/lover. She swings her sharp nails at the face of Legolas, but the elf removes that hand with blade on his left side and then her head with the blade from his right. Aragorn finally gets close enough to Carlisle by dodging his Star Sapphire blasts and throwing his elven knife in to the chest of The Cullen leader to knock him to the ground. Carlisle puts up an energy aura; but it does not stop the Sword of the King from cutting through the energy and slicing off the vampires head.
Jasper attempts to finish his battle with Legolas by knocking the elf to the ground. Jasper bears his teeth and aims for the neck of Legolas but the Elf just barely gets his neck out of the way in time. This delay gives Aragorn just enough of an opportunity to save his friend by running up behind Jasper and taking off one last vampire head.
Aragorn extends his hand and helps Legolas up and says, “Hurry my friend, there are more Backyardigans in need.” The two of them begin rushing towards the other arctic skirmish when Man-At-Arms notices their oncoming arrival.
He yells to his daughter, “Teela, mind yourself! We are about to be outnumbered!!”
“I'm on it,” replies Teela as she leaps in to the air and delivers a butterfly kick to the chest of Boba Fett.
She then uses the momentum from the kick to spin around in mid-air and fire three perfectly aimed shots. As the two Fellowship members are running to help, two of the laser blasts hit Legolas in the chest, and the other in his forehead. Teela lands on her feet as Aragorn drops to his knees to wish his friend a farewell. Teela, however, is not the only person here who can properly aim a blaster in situations of adversity. Before Boba Fett hits the ground, he uses his jetpack to spin himself upward. He then double-taps his blaster rifle to deliver two laser bolts to the back of Teela's head, thus delivering her soul to the graveyard.
Man-At-Arms sees this transpire. His eyes fill with rage and lets out a horrific cry of anger as he becomes blood drunk over the death of his daughter. He swings his mace hard at the head of Wolverine, cracking his mace in half over the adamantium skull of Wolvie, and knocking him to the ground. Duncan then leaps in to the air and lands on top of Fett. He begins pounding on the bounty hunter with his muscular man-arms and bloodies his own knuckles as he crushes not only his opponent's Mandalorian Helmet, but also the head inside of it. Wolverine is dizzy as he stands up, not totally healed from his attack but he is fresh enough to exact some revenge of his own. He runs toward Man-At-Arms with his claws drawn. Duncan stands up from the corpse of Boba Fett just in time to catch Wolverine's claws in his chest.
“Sorry Bub. I'da done the same thing to the killer of my daughter; but we're on different teams... And you gotta go,” Logan says to his foe. Wolverine pulls his claws back in to his hands as he feels a friendly hand on the back of his shoulder.
The man they call Strider says to Logan, “We have both lost friends here, but we do not have time to mourn them. It has been many years since I have appeared in one of these matches, and our team needs us elsewhere.”
The Spice Girls have donned their techno-warrior alter ego personas for this battle and lead David Beckham and Friedrich Nietzsche out into the desert. Katrina Highkick, Trixie Firecracker, Kung Fu Candy, Midnight Miss Suki, and Blazin' Bad Zula carefully and choreographically scan the arid wasteland as Beckham bounces a ball on his knee. Since he has no real desire to fight, or really have any opinion on the matter at all, Nietzsche leans up against a large boulder that is jutting out of the sand. He notices a shadow come over him as Brother Blood gets the drop on him. Having no actual innate magical ability Blood is unable to control the wand in his hand so he uses it as a crude stabbing tool. He plunges the wand into the carotid artery of Nietzsche, the arterial spray covering his face in blood. At this point he becomes incredibly depressed as he inherits Nietzsche's only ability, a firm belief in nothing at all.
"What's the point of all this... I'm surrounded by a bunch of imbeciles..." he says as the Spice Girls and David Beckham close in around him. "I mean seriously I'm the only one in the area who doesn't have their own 'Signature Fragrance'... I'm... I'm really just not sure I want to live in a world like this..."
At this, the Spice Girls each grab a limb and Beckham takes a run at Blood's head like a free kick. His head comes cleanly off and is caught by Spike. Spike fires the head with unnatural speed back at Beckham who with years of conditioning fails to use his hands to protect himself. The cranium to cranium collision causes instant death due to brain damage. Beckham’s perfectly coifed hair whips back as the soccer star drops to the ground.
The Spice girls close in on Spike in an attempt to take him out.
"You had your go at Brother Blood,” says Spike. Now let’s see how you fare against William the Bloody." Spike then transforms to his more savage vampire form. "In fact," he continues, "I've written a poem for you ladies. I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want... you know what... never mind."
Spike proceeds to rip the Spice Girls asunder, his inhuman speed and strength allowing him to drain the women completely nearly as fast as they could blink. He then wipes the blood from his lips as he sees the large flash of a teleportation beam hit the Planet’s surface.
The roar of Optimus Prime’s engine fills the air as he and Duke lead the charge of the Commandos. Duke stands a top of Prime’s trailer, valiantly holding the Commando’s flag as they race into battle. They are joined by numerous teammates, most notably Elita One, the love of Prime’s life.
“Pfft. When will they learn,” scoffs Vulcan, who unleashes a powerful blast of energy, one that rips through the air and incinerates Duke in an instant.
“Duke!!!” shouts Optimus as the ashes of his teammate blow from his trailer. “You will pay for your atrocities Vulcan.”
“Please, if I had a dollar for every time I heard that, well I’d probably have enough to actually pay for my atrocities,” quips Vulcan.
The mutant fires another shot of energy, but Optimus Prime burst from the ground, transforming in mid-air and dodges the attack. It does however, destroy his trailer. Optimus pulls his plasma rifle and fires a shot at Vulcan but, the Backyardigan easily absorbs the attack. The sound of jet engines fill the air as the Autobot twins, Jetfire and Jetstorm rocket overhead, carpet bombing Vulcan. He’s then nailed with a wave of red rage plasma courtesy of Movie Blackout’s Red Lantern Ring.
“ARRRGGHH!” screams Vulcan as the attack overwhelms him.
He then takes flight and uses his vast powers to obliterate the twins. Their molten frames hurtle out of control slamming into the ground below, and exploding on impact.
“Pathetic,” Vulcan scoffs as he turns his attention back to Prime, but he is attacked by the Decepticon who is wielding Atrocitus’s Red Lantern ring.
Movie Blackout purges his red rage plasma all over Vulcan, who simply floats in the air and allows the attack to happen. The mutant is drenched in the plasma, but he is not writing in agony as he should.
“My turn,” Vulcan says as his eyes pop open and he incinerates Movie Blackout with his incredible powers. “Now… where was I?”
But before he could re-focus his attack on Optimus, the valiant Autobot leader goes on the offensive himself and blasts Vulcan from behind with his plasma rifle.
Vulcan tumbles to the ground. He picks himself back up and begins to chuckle.
“You’re a fool Prime,” Vulcan says. “Do you really think that you’re going to win? You’ve already lost two Universe Bowls. The rest of us laugh at you. There goes Prime, thinking he can win the big one. You’re old and rusty.” Vulcan wipes some blood from his mouth and points to Elita One. “And who is this? You’re over kicking your coverage with her don’t you think? Hang ‘em up Prime. Face it. You don’t have it in you to win the big one.”
Vulcan’s mocking begins to resonate with Prime, but it infuriates Elita One who leaps into action and spin kicks Vulcan. Normally, one would think this isn’t that big of an attack, but you must remember, Vulcan, though incredibly powerful is still the size of a mere human and Elita One is a twenty foot tall robot. So this spin kick is more like being hit by a telephone poll at maximum velocity. Gabriel Summers goes crashing into the side of a mountain.
But this is not enough to put him down. In fact, it only enrages Vulcan. He bursts forth from the crater he created and blasts Elita One.
Optimus Prime shouts, “ELITA, NOOOOOO!!!” He then charges at Vulcan, but the mutant is significantly faster than him.
“Don’t worry Prime, you’ll be with her soon enough,” Vulcan quips as he arches back before releasing a colossal beam of energy that rips a hole through Prime’s abdomen.
Elita One regains her foot just a she witnesses this attack. She screams “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” and taps into her special power of time manipulation.
The battle across the universe stops dead in its tracks. Everyone is frozen motionless, everyone that is except for Elita One. She rushes as fast as she can over to Optimus Prime who is frozen in mid-air, still falling backwards from the attack. The moment Elita One touches Prime; he is unfrozen and falls to the ground. She then herself, drops to her knees. This amazing power that she has, however, comes with a price. It drains her of her very life force.
Optimus holds his circuitry in as he drags himself over to Elita One and whispers in her ear, “Elita….. My time here is over, but yours…. is just beginning.”
Prime then opens his chest up and pulls out the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. He opens Elita One up and places it in her chest. “Rise Elitamus Prima.”
Optimus body then goes limp and drops to the ground. He turns shades of grey and black as Elitamus Prima’s body begins to glow. She starts to grow, her frame more ample than before. Elitamus gets back to her feet and straightens herself up.
“Oh Prime, you’re sacrifice will not be in vain, I promise you,” she says as she kneels down and kisses Optimus’s forehead.
She then jerks her head up and focuses in on Vulcan. She charges the mutant and smacks him against the mountain side.
“Ha! You think you’re fate will be any different than your loser boyfriend’s?” Vulcan cackles.
Elitamus Prima grits her teeth in anger as she pulls out a sword handle and ignites it. A pink energon sword shoots forth. Prima uses it to slice Vulcan in two as he flies head first at her. She then, just to be sure, stomps on Vulcan’s upper half, squashing it like an insect. Elitamus then transforms into her new vehicle form, a much more rugged and amped up version of her Cybertronian Speedster form. She takes off for the city to aid her team as the Commandos desperately push to overwhelm the Backyardigans.
THUMP
THUMP
THUMP
The ground begins to shake and there are the ever loudening sounds of something trying to break its way from the bellows of the Planet.
A grave and ominous voice is heard across the battlefield, “Optimus Prime of Cybertron….. RISE.”
A Black Lantern ring burst from the ground and finds its way to Prime’s hand. The ring re-animates his corpse as it had done prior to him acquiring the Matrix of Leadership from Orion Pax. The un-dead Autobot slowly lumbers back to his feet, his eyes glow a deep purple, closely resembling a black light.
“Heh…. You just can’t keep a good Prime down,” Black Lantern Optimus Prime chuckles to himself as he also sets his sights on the city.
High above the planet, the trio of Lazarus Long, Vorian Atreides and Xavier Harkonnen begin their trench run in efforts to destroy the Death Star. They manage to evade the space station’s turrets, but are met by a much more powerful adversary.
“You fools! You come here with your tinker toys and think you can defeat the Backyardigans?!” shouts Dark Phoenix as the fire of the Phoenix Force burns bright.
Xavier Harkonnen valiantly pushes his Z-95 Headhunter and tries to engage the cosmic terror.
“Damn it Xavier, don’t break formation!” shouts Lazarus Long from his Jedi V-Wing.
Long’s commands go unheard as Dark Phoenix incinerates the Z-95 Headhunter in a blink of an eye. She then focuses her attack on Long and Atreides, but due to their expertise piloting abilities, they are able to narrowly evade the attack.
“It matters not,” Dark Phoenix growls. “You are only prolonging the inevitable.”
She then uses her vast cosmic powers to slowly and manically disassemble Lazarus Long’s Astro Droid. Its beeps and whistles become louder and more painful until it’s silenced by death. The evil Jean Grey flicks her hand at Vorian’s Tie Interceptor, causing its fuselage to peel open like blooming flower. Atriedes’s is ripped from the cockpit and jettisoned out into space. The Tie Interceptor hurtles into the Death Star and explodes on impact. She begins to laugh as even without the aid of an Astro Droid, Lazarus refuses to admit defeat. Dark Phoenix lets loose an enormous wave of cosmic energy down upon the V-Wing, but just before it completely consumes the craft, Lazarus manages to fire a single ion torpedo down the trench. He sighs a breath of relief seconds before his V-Wing is vaporized.
“No!” Dark Phoenix screams as the ion torpedo manages to make its way into the exhaust hatch of the Death Star.
Seconds later, Korvac materialized out from the Death Star, with the ion torpedo in the palm of his hand. He dissipates it with the Power Cosmic. He brushes the remainder of the torpedo form his hand as he looks at Dark Phoenix.
“Tisk tisk Jean,” he says to her. “That could have been disastrous for our team. Vader will be most displeased.”
“Grrr. Vader can go f*** himself,” Dark Phoenix fires back. “And as for you Korvac…. You can just DIE!”
She then surprises her own teammate and annihilates him. The fire from the Phoenix Force intensifies as Dark Phoenix stands alone.
“I’ll finish this battle on my own and take the trophy for myself,” she says to herself as she heads to the planet below.
Elsewhere, Buffy Summers finds herself in a familiar situation… fighting zombies and vampires in a graveyard. But these are not your normal run-of-the-mill zombies and vampires; she’s being double teamed by Zombie Superman and Dracula, Lord of the Vampires. And this isn’t the average graveyard; this is the Fantasy Fantasy Graveyard. Lucky for her, after her five years in this league, she is more than comfortable fighting such overwhelming odds.
“Why can I ever find just a normal guy,” she murmurs to herself as she ignites her blue lightsaber.
Zombie Superman takes flight and tackles Buffy as Dracula patiently overlooks the battle, sitting atop a large headstone that reads “BATMAN.” The fallen form of the first ever MVP attacks the Slayer with great fervor. She deflects his heat vision, which sears his decaying flesh, with her blue lightsaber.
“Ugh, you smell horrible Clark,” comments Buffy as she kicks the undead Kryptonian off of her.
The kick sends him sailing through the graveyard and smashing into the Tomb of the Unknown Common.
“Hhhhrrrrr….. Brrrraaaainnnsss…” groans Zombie Superman as he lurches forward breathing an icy blast of his freeze breath at Buffy.
The Slayer back flips over several tombstones and out of the path of frozen stream of air. Zombie Superman then slams his fists deep into the ground and rips a coffin out from the dirt. He hurls it through the air at Buffy. The casket explodes into flying shrapnel as soon as it impacts the ground.
“No,” Buffy gasps in fright as she looks upon the remains that were once at peace in the destroyed coffin. It was her best friend and longtime teammate, Willow Rosenberg. “You son of a b!%@#.”
Her eyes, once welled with tears and anguish from witnessing such a painful sight, now fill with rage and anger as she flies at the zombie. She moves swiftly through the night sky, the hum of her lightsaber cuts through the thick, crisp air. Buffy lands behind Zombie Superman before his head can spin off of his shoulders. She turns and catches his head, which is still alive and trying to bite the Slayer.
“It’s amazing how easily a guy can lose his head when he’s trying to get a piece,” Buffy jokes as she uses her super strength to crush the rotting skull of Kal-El.
She is then ambushed from behind by her old flame, Spike. They wrestle to the ground as he savagely tries to bite her.
“Damn it Spike, I don’t have time to play Hungry Vampire, Helpless Cheerleader,” Buffy says as she kicks Spike off of her.
Blood-drunk from his feast on the Spice Girls, Spike leaps at Buffy who is forced to put him down with a well-placed wooden stake to the heart. The temperature in the air suddenly drops around the Slayer as Dracula blindsides her. She tries to fight him off, but the Lord of the Vampires swiftly bites down on Buffy’s neck, sucking her very life from her.
Dracula pulls away for a moment and says, “Ah, there really isn’t anything sweeter than Slayer blood.”
He then latches back down and continues to drain Buffy who’s growing weaker by the moment. Her arms finally drop to her sides and her eyes rolling into the back of her head.
Corp. Hicks and Angel cautiously try and make their way through the dark side of the Playoff Planet. The fog is thick as they arrive at the entrance of the FFL Graveyard.
Angel turns to Hicks and says “When we get in there you should just hang back and let me handle this. I know you got your little ring and all but it won’t do much good once were inside.”
Hicks looks at Angel, smiles and says “Ok.”
They push open the wrought iron gate and walk in. As they pass the Carlos Olivera Memorial Gardens, Dracula can be seen in the distance finishing off Angel’s long-time lover, Buffy Summers. Angel is frozen stiff by this sight.
Hicks slaps Angel on the back and says, “Looks like your girl didn’t fare too well. Go get him; I’ll be over here taking a nap if you need me.”
The space Corporal posts up behind Dora the Explorer’s headstone as Angel rushes Dracula.
He snatches him up by the throat and says, “You’re getting slow old man.”
Dracula replies, “And you’re still dumb.”
The Lord of the Vampires then motions to Angel to look down. Angel sees that he is standing next to an open grave, one that has a tombstone marked, “DOOMSDAY.” Angel quickly looks back up at Dracula in shock, only to be grabbed from behind and locked in a full nelson by the reanimated corpse of Doomsday.
“Gotcha b!^$h!” says Deadman, who has possessed the body of the beast.
Dracula quips, “What no kiss-kiss? No hey Vlad how you doing? None of that? And who the f#@k you calling old man?! I am like four years older than you.”
Deadman then says “Ok, enough talk,” and snaps Angel’s neck.
Dracula angrily responds “What the f#@k?! I was still talking to him Deadman!”
Boston replies “ Pfffttt, about what?”
“For one, the dude owed me money. Secondly I was F#@KIN’ TALKING TO HIM!” Dracula yells back.
The bickering between the two Backyardigans wakes Corp. Hicks from his usual pre-fight nap. Hicks sits up and assess the situation. He then raises his plasma rifle and fires one round that rips through Deadman’s medulla oblongata and bursts with green energy.
Dracula throws his arms in the air and says “What the f#@k man?! What is with people and killing other people mid-sentence.”
Dracula takes off his cape, rolls up his sleeves, and begins waving his arms around and chanting something in Romanian. The ground begins to rumble and the dead walk again. The first to rise is the closest to the corporal.
When Dora breaks the surface Hicks greets her, “Como esta B!#@h,” and puts her right back in the dirt, minus a head. The Space Marine looks around and finds himself surrounded by undead FFL combatants.
“Two can play this game a$$hole,” Hicks says to Dracula.
Using his Green Lantern ring, Hicks forms an army of Power Loaders that decimate the zombies. But before he can reset his footing, Dracula knocks the plasma rifle out of his hands and throws him to the ground.
Dracula leans in close to Hicks’s face and quietly says, “I vant to suck yo blood.”
Hicks replies, “SUCK THIS!” as he pulls a silver plated .45 from his waist line, shoves it in Dracula’s mouth and pulls the trigger.
A silver bullet explodes out of the back of Vlad’s skull. The Lord of the Vampires bursts into fiery ash all over Hicks. He brushes off what was once Dracula before flying away from the graveyard.
Angelina Jolie huddles her brood into a penthouse suite deep in the city section of the Playoff Planet. She corrals them all into the living room, as well as teammates Benny, Isa and Tico. Her fiancé, Brad Pitt marches into the room. Brad’s majestic physique is covered, but not hidden, by his tight, glowing Tron light suit. He paces back and forth looking over the battalion he has been given to lead this day.
“Alright people. Listen up!” Brad begins. “I'm putting together a special team, and I need me some Commandos. Hardcore, vicious, win at all costs Commandos. Now, y’all might've heard rumors about the armada happening soon. Well, we left a little early. We've been dropped into the city, dressed for battle. We're in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin' guerrilla army, we're gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only... killin' Backyardigans.”
Knox and Vivienne turn to each other and roll their eyes as their father continues, “Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross have the friggin' galaxy, fight my way through half of the desert jump out of a f#$%in' air-o-plane to teach the Backyardigans lessons in humanity. Backyardigans ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of a drug poppin', mass murderin' maniac penguin and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and every son of a b#$@h we find wearin' a Backyardigan uniform, they're gonna die. Now, I'm the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger. That means I got a little Injun in me.”
Angelina tries to interrupt her lover, “Sweetheart, no you’re not and no you don’t.” But her words go unheard as Brad is clearly on a roll.
“And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Backyardigans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the Backyardigans won't not be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And the Backyardigans will be sickened by us, and the Backyardigans will talk about us, and the Backyardigans will fear us. And when the Backyardigans closes their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with. Sound good?”
Before the assembled masses can respond, Arkillo busts into the room and eradicates all of them.
“Shut the f@#k up,” he growls and flies off, hunting for more victims.
Elsewhere, Soranik Natu searches the city for any other Commandos. She sees the bursts of yellow coming from the Jolie-Pitts luxury suite and smiles to herself and murmurs “Classic Arkillo,” when she hears a voice in her ear.
“What's up doc?” a breathless voice says, then suddenly the daughter of Sinestro feels a surge of heat, and the next thing she knows she’s falling. She lands on a nearby rooftop and tries to get her bearings.
“Ring. What happened?” Soranik asks her ring.
No response.
“Ring?” Natu looks down, and discovers to her horror that her ring hand has been chopped off. Frantically, she starts looking for her missing appendage, and she spots it. As she stumbles over to grab it, she hears the sound of a rocket landing, and a figure lands in front of her.
“Ah. Ah. Ah. Finders Keepers,” smirks Jen Linley as she viciously punches the wounded Green Lantern in the mouth.
Linley picks up Natu’s hand, removes the green ring from it, and tosses the hand off of the roof as she places the ring on her own finger.
“Don't worry baby, this'll be quick. But I can’t promise I’ll be gentle,” Jen says as finishes off Sinestro’s daughter with her own weapon.
“Oooh. I liked it, so I put a ring on it,” giggles Jen, when she's knocked off of her feet, saved only by her purloined green ring. She turns and sees Arkillo land in front of her.
“Hey, big boy. If you wanted to get me from behind, all ya had to do was ASK!” screams the Commandos resident seductress as she lets loose a blast of green energy against Sinestro's second in command. Due to his many, many battles with more tenured Green Lanterns, Arkillo easily absorbs the blast. He shakes his head, and lets loose a blast of his own, but Jen barely avoids the blast, and rushes up to the monster. She jumps onto the monster, wraps her legs around him, grabs him by the head, and jams her tongue down his throat, frenching the beast in a fierce manner which he's never felt before. Jen drops off of a dazed Arkillo, who doesn't know what to make of this.
“Oooooh, baby. You kiss just like Sinestro,” the sex kitten purrs as she seductively reaches behind her back, arching her back in such a way her heaving chest brushes against Arkillo.
“Now let's see if you bleed like him!” Jen screeches as she pulls out her lightsaber, ignites it and plunges it into the side of her prey.
As Arkillo screams in pain, Jen quickly pushes the blade upward and diagonally cleanly cutting the horrific Backyardigan in half. Jen then grabs her fallen opponents yellow ring and quickly takes off, ready to eat any other man who gets in front of her.
Meanwhile, the Sucker Punch crew has been dispatched to the Death Star as a contingency plan for the failed trench run. Amber lands her mech-unit in the hanger bay and they are immediately attacked by countless Stormtroopers. Sweet Pea and Rocket move left as Baby Doll and Blondie flank right. They cut a swath through the troopers. Amber uses her Bunny Mech-Unit’s heavy artillery to lay down cover fire for the girls as they race down a corridor.
Baby Doll pulls out a holodisk and turns it on to reveal a 3-dimentional rendering of the layout for the Death Star.
“Ok, the reactor is…..here. So we have to make a right at this pass here,” says Baby Doll.
Rocket is then blasted with a powerful bolt of Sith lightning. Her body flies backwards and slams into a wall. Her clothing has caught fire, her face is brutally charred and Rocket’s entire body smokes from the attack.
“ROCKET!!!!!” screams her sister.
Sweet Pea turns around and sees Rocket’s killer walking towards them. Darth Vader ignites his lightsaber as Sweet Pea begins to unload round after round at the Sith Lord. Baby Doll and Amber join in the attack and the three of them unleash a barrage of gunfire down upon Vader, but he blocks every bullet with his crimson blade. As each clip empties, Sweet Pea re-loads quickly and efficiently, so much so that it would make even the most skilled Marine blush. She continues her advance as Lord Vader force push Baby Doll and Amber back. Sweet Pea’s gun finally runs out of bullet, but her attack does not stop there. She pulls her broadsword out and lunges at Vader. The leader of the Backyardigans, however, snatches her out of mid-air with the Force and begins to choke the very life from her. He then angles his head as to look pass Sweet Pea. As he focuses on her two teammates who are regaining their footing, he uses the Force to squeeze harder until…. CRACK. Sweet Pea’s neck snaps and he drops her lifeless body.
“Uhhh guys, I’ve got a problem,” Amber radios in over their comlinks. “I’ve got a couple red rage monsters ripping my ship apart.”
“Sorry Amber, we’ve got our hands fu…” Baby Doll responds before being cut off.
“Baby Doll? You there? Hello??” Amber tries to radio back. “God damn it, GET OFF MY SHIP!” She exclaims as Red She-Hulk is tearing the Bunny Mech-Unit apart.
“Amber, help! He’s killed them. He’s kill all of AHHHHHHHH!!!” Blondie screams as Darth Vader runs his lightsaber through her torso.
Down on the loading dock, Amber tries to take off, but Red Hulk grabs the Mech-Unit by the foot and slams it down to the ground. He then savagely pounds his fists against the smiling pink bunny face until Amber’s blood starts to pour from the cockpit. He slams his fists down one final time, which causes Amber’s sucker to fling out of the cockpit. Red She-Hulk picks it up and starts to suck on it herself.
“Betty…. That’s gross,” Red Hulk says to his daughter.
“This coming from the man who just turned a teenager into paste,” responds Red She-Hulk.
Up on Rama, Head Coach Barack Obama and the rest of his cabinet work on battle plans when there is a the door to the “Oval Office” is blown away by a burst of yellow energy.
“Hey boy,” growls Yellow Lantern Bryan Beckerman as he enters the room. The deviant then notices Miley Cyrus who is currently chopping her own hair off over in the corner. “Ooooohhh… yeah you stay over in that corner, I’ll be with you in a bit.”
“Commandos take care of this nuisance,” orders Obama.
John Adams and Thomas Jefferson pull their flintlock pistols out and charge the Yellow Lantern.
“Ha! Nice guns, let me show you mine!” laughs Bryan as he thrusts his pelvis towards the former Presidents and disintegrates them with a split-fire shot of yellow energy.
Beckerman then turns back to Miley Cyrus who has now put on her Hannah Montana wig on, “Ooohh yeah. Are you ready? Are you ready Are you ready? Let’s go!” he says as he does this sick, weird little cha-cha towards her.
However Sir Winston Churchill steps in front of Hannah.
“Scoff, I see you have the most powerful wand in the universe. Well I beg to differ that boast, as you can see…. I HAVE THE MOST POWERFUL WAND IN THE UNIVERSE!” yells the sadistic Beckerman as he thrust forward yet again and unleashes a powerful load of yellow energy.
“Plus… I’ve seen Harry Potter and I know that no muggle can use the Elder Wand.”
The smoke clears from the blast and the Yellow Lantern sees that Churchill is still standing.
“Who said I was a muggle?” snorts Churchill. The former Prime Minister then pulls his arm back and yells “Incendio!” The spell shoots from the wand and blasts Beckerman across the room.
“The hell? This s#!% is bo-ro,” the Yellow Lantern says to himself as he shakes the stars from his eyes.
“Nicely done Winston,” Obama says as he pats the Prime Minister on the back.
Churchill snaps around and barks, “That’s SIR Winston to you son.” He then chomps on his cigar and stomps over towards the fallen Beckerman.
Bryan creates a yellow energy construct resembling some weird S&M contraption and ensnares Churchill in it. He then brushes the debris from his uniform and drives a very phallic looking energy construct into Churchill, killing him. He then sprays a load of yellow energy at Obama, who barely manages to get his lightsabers up to deflect the attack.
“Gross,” Barack says to himself.
Beckerman then flies back over to Hannah, who has now taken her wig back off to reveal a really strange butch haircut.
“We’re gonna party like there’s never a worry, cuz good times rule, so no curfew, we’re showing off our moves, the breeze so cool. Let your hair down, tonight you get to be a superstar, you're living like a superstar,” sings Bryan as his yellow energy aura glows and pulses brighter and brighter as he closes in on Miley.
“Ewww, creeeepppy,” Miley says as she spin her scissors around and jams them into Beckerman’s thigh.
The Yellow Lantern squeals like an adolescent girl at a One Direction concert.
Obama leaps over his desk and drives his two lightsabers into Bryan’s back, leans in and says into his ear, “Now Beckerman… the Commandos are going to take down the rest of the Backyardigans… BEEYAATCH!”
It’s not clear on whether the Yellow Lantern’s eyes rolled because he was dying or because of Obama’s terrible joke.
“Nicely done Miley, now let’s finish this and win ourselves a championship,” Barack says as he extends his hand to pick Miley off the ground.
She curiously tilts her head and asks “Who’s Miley? I’m Hannah Montana.”
He ignores her strange question and launches the Insecticons to attack Mogo. The powerful energy signature of Green Lantern planet instantly draws the attention of the hungry transformers.
“Hmmmm I can already taste that energy, energy,” Shrapnel says as they fly into Mogo’s atmosphere.
“Yessss, this should be quite delicious, eh Bombshell?” adds Kickback.
“This green energy should power our swarm quite well,” responds Bombshell as he fires several insectishells into the sky. “Boss, I need the Heli-Carrier.”
There is a flash from a gigantic teleportation beam that brings forth the Commandos’ S.H.I.E.L.D. Heli-Carrier. The other six Insecticons fire their electronic clone beams, which combines with the constant green energy aura that Mogo emits. The energy rips the Heli-Carrier apart. The scrap metal merges with the insectishells and creates thousands of Insecticlones.
“Now, we feast, feast,” says Shrapnel as they land on Mogo’s surface.
Like the eighth plague of Egypt, the swarm of Insecticons covers the sky, casting a shadow over Mogo. It begins to devour the living planet and its energy that it’s emitting, leaving no tree or plant standing.
“Mmmmmm, delicious, don’t you think Shrapnel?” asks Kickback as he is consuming the green energy.
“Hhhhnnnnn eh a little heavy on the electrons, electrons,” responds Shrapnel.
Mogo’s atmosphere then begins to change and grow dark. Lightning bolts shoot down from the sky blasting several dozen of the Insecticlones at a time. The ground begins to shake as well. A large crack in Mogo’s surface opens up and swallows Venom and multiple Insecticlones as well. A fissure burst from underneath Chop Shop and vaporizes the Stag Beetle. Mogo then creates green energy constructs to attack his adversaries. However, the Insecticons simply consume the constructs and grow more powerful from the energy. The lighting continues to strike down numerous Insecticlones, but Shrapnel is unfazed by such an attack.
“Ahh… more energy, energy,” Shrapnel comments to himself as he races up a small mountain.
He proceeds to uses his powers to attract the massive lightning bolts from the sky and augment his own electrical generating capacity. Shrapnel then release Mogo’s own energy back at him and tearing a giant fault into the planet’s surface. A massive earthquake rumbles throughout the planet as Mogo winces in pain. The plant life then begins to tendril up the Insecticlones and drag them into the planet’s core. The four remaining true Insecticons surround and protect Shrapnel as he continues his onslaught. They keep Mogo’s fauna at bay as Bombshell radio’s up to Rama.
“Boss, Shrapnel has an opening. Send him,” Bombshell says.
Moments later there is another flash from a teleportation device. Only this time, it’s Black Lantern Set that comes into the mix. The undead cosmic entity descend into the enormous wound in Mogo’s landscape that Shrapnel has opened up. Black Lantern Set unleashes its cosmic energy into Mogo’s core which starts a chain reaction up on the surface. Boiling hot magma erupts from the ground as the Insecticons scramble.
“We need to get out of here!” shouts Barrage.
“Boss, teleport us out of here! Boss?!” Shrapnel yells into his comlink.
But there is no answer from Rama. The catastrophic destruction that Black Lantern Set is causing as it plunges deeper into Mogo’s core is resulting in radio interference as well. Mogo then, in a burst of green energy, explodes, killing all of the Insecticons and Black Lantern Set. Debris rockets through space, some slamming into the Death Star causing massive damage, other plummeting down to the Playoff Planet.
As the magnificent explosion that was once Mogo lights up the sky, back on the surface of the Playoff Planet, the war wages on. Out in the swampy marsh, the gigantic Decepticon known as Black Zarak is being attacked by the Commandos squadron of Gungans. The diabolical Sith Lord, Darth Binks, leads the team against the monstrous transformer.
“Deesa gonna be messy,” says Binks.
The group of Gungan wheel a catapult up and fire a large boomer at Black Zarak. The viscous plasmic energy drenches part of the Decepticon, causing several electrical explosions within the transformer. The mighty mechanical scorpion bellows in anguish and begins to transform into his robot form. He spins his Tyrant Spear around and uses it to vaporize Gungan #7. The rest of the aquatic species let loose a battle cry and rush the transformer. They gracefully and with great agility bounce and leap from tree to tree and begin to climb up Black Zarak. All the while, launching boomers anywhere they can, in an effort to bring the metal beast down.
“Yoousa peoples gonna die,” smirks Darth Binks as he uses his Sith abilities to leap much higher than the rest of the Gungans and in only three jumps, makes it to Black Zarak’s shoulders.
Though the Gungans are causing a great deal of damage with their boomers, Black Zarak has crushed the lot of them. Only Darth Binks remains. The dreadful Sith Lord ignites his red lightsaber and carves a hole into Zarak’s shoulders. The head of Black Zarak then quickly transforms and kicks the malevolent Gungan off. As Binks falls, the head of Black Zarak transformers back and he incinerates Darth Binks. Black Zarak then uses his powers to open a black hole and teleport himself to another part of the Planet. However, Black Zarak does not notice that Gungan #9 still survives and is climbing up his back and as they are about to enter the black hole, the Gungan throws a boomer into the opening that Darth Binks created. The boomer reaches Black Zarak’s spark which causes a chain reaction that kills the monstrous Decepticon, but unfortunately the Gungan perishes as well.
Deep within the city of the Planet, Wolverine and Aragorn have now found themselves grossly outnumbered and in a dire situation. They are on the wrong end of a dead-end street with the team of Black Lantern Neo, Original Human Torch, Corp. Hicks, and Katniss Everdeen bearing down on them. Hicks and Katniss take point and draw their weapons as Neo and the fiery android take flight towards the Backyardigan duo.
“It has been an honor to have fought alongside you Logan, even for as brief as it was,” Aragorn says as they ready for a last stand.
“Don’t start saying yer goodbyes quite yet there Stryder, we ain’t out yet,” Wolverine says as he pops his claws and rushes right at Black Lantern Neo.
There is they a thunderous roar that comes overhead and all four of the Commandos, as well as Wolverine are obliterated by a strafing run by Pre-Suit Darth Vader in his Z-95 Headhunter. Aragorn is blown backwards by the blast and crashes through the local comicbook store.
“Pffft, I’ve seen better Aragorn cosplayers in San Diego,” snorts the overweight virgin standing by the new release wall.
The smoldering silhouette of Wolverine can be seen walking out of the blast area, dragging two bodies behind him.
“Grrrrrrr. Goddamn Life Model Decoys,” grunts Logan as he drops the two in front of Aragorn.
Wolverine is then shot by the geek at the comicbooks store. Logan drops to his knees as he realizes that he has been hit with S.P.I.N. Tech. The nanobots ravage his healing factor before he can recover from the damage that was done to his body from Pre-Suit Darth Vader’s run. Wolverine dies at Aragorn’s feet. The fat geek then pulls his face off and reveals himself to be Zartan and lunges at Aragorn who kicks him into the glass curio cabinets, shattering all of the overly expensive statues that were being displayed in them.
“I have not seen you in battle before,” Aragorn asks the Dreadnoks leader.
“Hahaha. Just because you never seen me before doesn’t mean I haven’t been out there, Ranger,” Zartan fires back as they trade punches. “You only know I exist because I want you to know. The two greatest trackers in the league couldn’t spot Zartan, when he was right under your nose. HAHAHA!!”
Zartan then spins and kicks Aragorn in the back of the necks, sending him crashing into the cash register. The master of disguise leaps into the air towards Aragorn, but he grabs a hold of the cash register and slams it into Zartan’s head. He finishes the Cobra acolyte off by driving his sword deep into his chest.
Aragorn stumbles out of the comicbook store, bloodied and beaten, but not done. And it looks like it’s a good thing too, since earlier attack was not enough to put Black Lantern Neo down. The decaying “Chosen One” is still on fire, but is advancing on Aragorn.
“Sigh… why not,” Aragorn says to himself as he readies his stance.
Aragorn defends himself at first, but the Black Lantern is too quick for him and the undead Neo feasts on the ranger’s heart, sending him to the Graveyard.
There is then the quick hum of a lightsaber and the blur of the azure aura from one swarms Black Lantern Neo until he is nothing more than a pile of rotting flesh. The Black Lantern ring floats in the air and begins to reform Neo, but Pre-Suit Darth Vader slices it in two as he walks back to his vehicle and takes back off for space.
On virtually the other side of the planet Adam and Kate Hernandez, along with the strange couple of Rachel Ray and Worm-Becks scout the local movie theater. Kate, who is also safely cuddling Ewok Baby #5, flies ahead with her Legion Flight Ring to survey the scene.
“Ugh, I hate when she does that,” Adam groans. “She always flies ahead and I can never keep an eye on her.
The three of them then hear Kate shriek in terror, which cause then to rush around the corner, only to be too late. Michael Myers as ran both Kate and the Ewok Baby with his kitchen knife.
“God damn it!! This is what I was talking about!” Adam shouts. He then flips his bazooka up on his shoulder and fires it at “The Shape.”
The rocket however misses Michael and destroys the nearby concession stand. Worm-Becks does his super useless “worm” move, only to have his spine crushed by Michael Myers stomping on his back.
“Rachel, give me some cover while I reload this thing,” orders Adam.
“I’m always on the lookout for safety ‘cause I’m an especially accident prone girl,” The chef says as she pulls down a protective shield over her face that she has brought into battle ever since acquiring her flamethrower.
She blast Michael with a steady stream of fire, but he keeps coming at her. Myers swings his knife and it slices the fuel hose on Rachel’s flamethrower causing it to spray fuel all over the spritely chef. She bursts into flames herself. Her screams are heard loud and clear throughout the theater before they are silence by death.
“Son of a…” Adam mumbles to himself as he barrel rolls out of the way from Michael’s attack.
Adam notices Rachel Ray’s lightsaber lying on the ground behind Myers. He takes a chance and runs right at the killer. Adam narrowly evades a swipe from Michael’s blade by sliding between Michael’s legs and manages to grab Rachel’s lightsaber. He jumps up, ignites the green blade and removes Michael Myers’ head.
Or so he thought.
“GOD DAMN IT!!!” WHAT THE HELL?! Since when was Michael Myers a robot?” Adam shouts to himself.
He then hears some coughing coming from where his wife was lying. Adam rushes over to Kate. He quickly whips the infant Ewok carcass off of her to see just how bad her wound is.
“Hang in there Kate, I’ve got you,” Adam says as he tries to comfort his dying wife. “Coach, get me some help here!! I’m losing Kate!” he shouts into his comlink.
There is then a flash of white light in front of them as White Lantern Deadman and Taylor Swift arrive.
The White Lantern places his hands over Kate’s wound, a blinding light shoots from her torso as her eyes pop open and she gasps for air.
“Whoa!!! That felt awesome!!!!” exclaims Kate as she is brought back to life.
“I told you not to rush ahead,” Adam says as he embraces his resurrected wife.
Kate then looks up to see Taylor Swift standing there with White Lantern Deadman and asks “Why the hell does she always feel the need to tag along with you??”
“Oh her? Yeah since we got drafted together, she thinks we’re dating,” responds Deadman. “I’m just waiting until she writes a song about me so I’ll know we’re through.”
White Lantern Deadman kneels down to one knee, places his fist to his head and teleports the four of them away from the theater.
Elsewhere on the planet, the remaining members of the Magical Society of Commandos have come upon the wreckage that was once the Nubian 327. They go to inspect the damage in hopes that Bail Organa is still alive, but those hopes are dashed as they see Black Lantern Parallax devouring his heart.
“Reducto” shouts Ginny Weasley, causing several parts of the ship to explode around the Black Lantern.
The undead fear entity leaps forth and possesses the body of Cassie Blake, “Ahhh, the power that fuels this body is impressive,” Cassie-Parallax says. “Much more so than the shell of a man I once possessed on this very team.”
Due to the undead nature of Parallax, the form of Cassie Blake begins to decompose and zombify as well. She fires a bolt of magic at her own team but Dr. Fate puts up a force field to block it. It’s then shattered from behind, as Black Lantern Apocalypse ambushes them.
“Your pitiful magic is no match for the likes of Apocalypse!” the undead mutant exclaims. He then plunges his fist into Diane Meade’s chest and rips her heart out.
Faye doesn’t hold back, instead, she rushes at Cassie-Parallax and tackles her to the ground.
“That's my circle out there! Now tell me how to stop it, or I'll use this power to turn your life into a living hell!” she screams at her possessed friend.
Cassie-Parallax just begins to laugh at her, “Hahaha, living hell?! Oh if you only knew what that was. Here… let me show you.”
The Parallax possessed witch tries to rip out Faye’s heart, but Faye uses her magical power to freeze Cassie-Parallax solid.
“You’re such a cold b#!$%,” Faye quips as she walks away from the frozen Cassie-Parallax.
Black Lantern Parallax bursts from the frozen Cassie Blake, killing her in the process.
“Rrraaaaaahhh, get back here you little brat!!” the evil entity shouts as the Suspiria witches try to deal with Black Lantern Apocalypse.
Ginny and Dr. Fate race over and lend a hand to Faye and together they finally obliterate the Black Lantern.
“Thanks Ginny,” Faye says to her teammate.
Just then, they hear the shrieks of Helena Markos as she is ripped in half by Black Lantern Apocalypse.
“You think magic and these toy rings are enough to defeat En Sabah Nur?!” shouts the zombified Apocalypse.
“Don’t let up!!” orders Dr. Fate as they fly over to aid the Suspiria crew.
Black Lantern Apocalypse fires a bolt of energy that vaporizes Ginny Weasley before Dr. Fate can react. The Helm of Nabu then begins to glow bright as the three remaining ring bearing witches and sole Secret Circle member keep the Black Lantern at bay.
“ENOUGH!” shouts Dr. Fate in a deep ominous voice and together the five of them obliterate Black Lantern Apocalypse.
“We’re not going to last much longer if we keep going up against powers like this,” Faye Chamberlain says as they all try to catch their breaths.
Over on the Boardwalk of the city, Matt and Teresa Oblak are joined by Hermione Granger as they ready themselves for battle. The neon lights from the casinos reflect off of Matt’s Mandalorian Armor. Teresa’s Tron light suit illuminates in the night sky as Hermione plays with her fallen lover’s energy whip.
“So let me get this straight… If we win the Championship, I get both of you?” Matt asks his wife and her new friend.
They both quickly turn their heads to him in utter confusion and simultaneously says “What?! NO.”
“Fair enuff,” replies Matt, “I just thought I saw that in the Plantain that we’ve got here.”
Teresa shakes her head at her husband, “Matt honey, it’s called a Palantir. Besides, you were looking at a bowling ball at the time.”
“What did the Palantir show you Terese?” Hermione asks.
“Trust me…. You don’t want to know,” Dr. Oblak responds.
Matt interrupts, “Ha! I knew it! It did show that I get..”
“NO it didn’t! Now knock it off!” Teresa shouts back before Matt could finish his sentence.
They then hear the roar of a suped up 2005 Dodge Ram pickup truck hauling ass down the boardwalk.
“Oh f@#k yeah, the Pussy Rocket!” shouts Matt which causes both women to roll their eyes.
Matt however is incredibly irritated and annoyed when he sees Jack Crowe, not Kenny Powers, behind the wheel. The gull doors open and they find out that Crowe is not alone either. He’s brought Katiness Everdeen with him.
“Oh this is some bulls#$t!” exclaims Oblak, who takes flight with his rocket pack and ignites his two lightsabers.
The Green Lantern ring wielding resident of District 12 flies into the air and engages Matt while Jack Crowe ignites his red lightsaber and attacks the two girls. He nails Hermione with a hard right cross and then slashes his lightsaber across Teresa’s chest. Crowe is surprised to see that, though his red blade cuts through Teresa’s Tron light suit, it merely scratched her skin.
“What the f@#k!?!?” Crowe shockingly exclaims.
He is then impaled by Teresa’s two lightsabers. She goes over and helps Hermione up.
“That was a great idea to use the X-Kryptonite before going into battle Teresa,” Hermione says to her teammate.
“Yeah, but don’t you think we should have exposed Matt to it too?” Teresa responds.
Just as they ponder this issue, Matt rockets past them with Katniss hot on his tail.
“Little help here!!” he yells as he blasts past them as he is firing the S.P.I.N. Tech bullets at Katniss, but she evades them with ease.
“Avada Kedavra!!!” shouts Hermione.
Katniss is hit by the killing curse and tumbles from the sky. The sole survivor of the George Lucas Conference Finals falls. Matt flies back over to the women, with several wounds from Katniss’s Green Lantern ring.
“Here let me take care of that,” Hermione says to her teammate. She waives her wand at Matt and says “Episkey.”
His wounds all quickly heal up as they look up into the sky to see the clouds themselves begin to burn.
Hermione turns to Teresa as ask, “This is what you saw wasn’t it?”
“Yep,” Teresa responds. “It’s Dark Phoenix. And she doesn’t care about the team anymore.”
“Oh f#$k,” Matt adds. “Welp, let’s go. If I’m going out, I’m taking some more Commandos with me. Starting with their truck. Get in.”
The three of them hop into the Pussy Rocket and they peel down the Boardwalk.
As Dark Phoenix makes her way to the Playoff Planet, Dr. Fate readies his crew of witches for the oncoming attack.
“This will not be easy to swallow, but none of us will likely survive this,” Dr. Fate begins. “No matter what, we must not let this force of destruction continue to exist.”
The fiery cosmic entity wastes no time imposing her will and vaporizes Faye Chamberlain and Miss Tanner. The witches continue to push with all their might, but Dark Phoenix is simply too powerful for them. The rest fall to her might, leaving only Dr. Fate.
“I am the Helm of Nabu, you shall not defeat me!” bellows Dr. Fate.
Dark Phoenix intensifies her as Dr. Fate’s helmet begins to melt. She is then blasted by two powerful energy bolts from Elitamus Prima and Black Lantern Optimus Prime. The two Autobots press their attack on the wicked Jean Grey as they hear a jet flying in.
“Oh I know you didn’t start this party without me,” Capt. Steven Hiller says over his comlink.
“Glad to have the help Capt. Hiller,” Elitamus says.
The three of them continue their offensive against Dark Phoenix as Hiller flies in.
“Keep on her, I’m going to do something stupid here,” says Capt. Hiller as he flies past his teammates.
Hiller flies straight at Dark Phoenix, which along with the attack from Dr. Fate, Black Lantern Optimus Prime and Elitamus Prima overwhelms the cosmic entity and destroys her, but at the cost of their own lives as well. The explosion sends cosmic fire racing across the planet, scorching everything in the area.
Head Coach Obama teleports a large group of Commandos to the Death Star in hopes to bring an end to this match. Maestro leads the team into the Death Star’s hanger bay where they are immediately confronted by the Red Hulk duo.
“Hmmph, I’ve got these two pipsqueaks,” boasts Maestro.
Luminara Unduli and Barriss Offee go off in another direction as the three Hulks attack.
Maestro quickly shows that he is much stronger than his foes and rips Red She-Hulk in half. He then clotheslines Red Hulk.
“I’m going to really enjoy this Ross,” grunts Maestro as he picks Red Hulk up with both hands by the head and violently crushes his skull.
Red Hulk’s yellow blood spills out like the yolk of a smashed egg. Maestro then turns his attention to the black cloaked silhouette that is standing in a corridor.
“Grrrrr…. Vader,” Maestro growls.
He spits on the body of Red Hulk before charging the Sith Lord. Maestro is then blasted backwards by a massive blast of Sith Lightning. Darth Vader moves slowly and methodically. Maestro regains his footing, unleashes a lion-like roar and charges Vader again. This time he tries to Force push the elder Hulk back, but he is too strong and continues his advance, though it does slow him a bit. However, it seems that this was Vader’s plan all along, as he stops his Force attack, which causes Maestro’s momentum to lurch him forward and he loses his balance. Darth Vader spins out of the way and drives his lightsaber into the back of Maestro’s neck, sending him to the FFL Graveyard.
“All too easy,” Darth Vader says to himself as he turns and walks away from the hanger bay.
In another part of the space station, Luminara Unduli and her partner, Barriss Offee encounter another Jedi, the Wookie Tyvokka. However due to the combination of evilness that exists in the Backyardigans’ locker room and Indigo Lantern ring he wields, their common bond means nothing o Tyvokka. He growls, blasts Luminara back with his ring as he ignites his lightsaber and attacks Barriss. Luminara is knocked into a dark corner of the Death Star. She goes to aid her old padawan, but suddenly has a red lightsaber blade protruding out from her abdomen. She turns her head and sees Michael Myers standing behind her. He pulls the lightsaber out as Unduli drops to the ground. Tykokka savagely attacks Barriss who is keeping a calm head about herself even with the sudden loss of her master. She evades the Wookie’s attack and drives her lightsaber right between his shoulder blades. Barriss then turns to see not only Michael Myers, but Holocaust standing before her as well. The Jedi makes a valiant stand, but in the end, she falls to Holocaust draining her very life force from her.
“It’s time to end this,” Vader says as he walks into the Overbridge.
Moments later, the enormous lasers on the Death Star begin to warm up. Barack Obama sees this aboard Rama.
He looks out to the stars and laments, “It’s all up to you now Clark.”
The Death Star then obliterates Rama with its massive laser. The explosion can be seen down on the Playoff Planet. Vader then instructs the In-Betweener to get the rest of the Backyardigans to the planet’s surface to finish off the Commandos resistance.
As Rama is destroyed, another ship comes into play. The gigantic Cymek known as Dante, patiently waiting his opportunity, comes out from the dark side of the Death Star and attacks. The Cymek blasts through the space station’s defenses and targets the thermal exhaust ports. Dante fires several proton torpedoes that finds their way to the reactor. The Death Star bursts in a massive explosion. As the Cymek flies away, Dante himself is annihilated by an unknown assailant. Pre-Suit Darth Vader then flies through the wreckage that was once Dante aboard his Z-95 Headhunter.
“Blow up my home will ya,” Pre-Suit Vader says to himself as he once again flies down towards the planet.
There is a quick flash of cosmic energy as the In-Betweener teleports the rest of the Backyardigans to the scorched planet. The moment they arrive, Holocaust and Michael Myers are lobotomized by dual heat vision shots.
“I hope you’re ready Vader, because this ends now,” Kingdom Come Superman says to the Backyardigans’ leader.
Vader looks up at to the sky and sees the Z-95 Headhunter coming back in for another pass.
“I’ve got this one,” Corp. Hicks assures his team.
The Space Marine flies up into the sky courtesy of his Green Lantern ring and creates a giant green energy Xenomorph. Pre-Suit Darth Vader destroys the construct with his laser cannons, but Hicks retaliates with a pure energy shot to the Headhunter’s engine. Pre-Suit Darth Vader ejects out of the cockpit as it spirals out of control, much to the surprise of Hicks. The young Vader ignites his blue lightsaber and sends Corp. Hicks to the Graveyard. Pre-Suit Darth Vader then lands in between the two lines of combatants, kneeling on one knee.
He then looks up at the Commandos and simple says, “Attack.”
The Backyardigans rush the Commandos who do not back down. The two teams clash in an all-out winner takes all war. Adam Hernandez takes aim with his bazooka and blasts one of the back tires off of the Pussy Rocket.
“S#$t, hang on girls,” shouts Matt Oblak as he tries to keep the truck from flipping.
It slams into a light post. Adam, Kate, Taylor Swift and Jen Linley all converge on the truck. Hermione climbs out from the shattered black window.
“Protego,” she shouts which encases the truck in a protective shield, deflecting Jen’s attack with her stolen green and yellow rings.
“Evanesco!!” yells Hermione which causes Jen Linley to vanish from existence.
Taylor Swift fires her Sith Lanvarok at Teresa, but they easily bounce off her X-Kryptonite powered skin.
“My husband’s going to hate me for this,” Teresa says to herself as she uses her freeze breath to stop Taylor dead in her tracks. She spins around and launches her light disc at the frozen singer, shattering her into a million pieces.
“Teresa! WHAT THE HELL?!?!” Matt shouts at his wife. “Did you really have to kill Taylor Swift.”
“Your goddamn right I did,” she responds.
Matt then grabs his head in agony. He drops to the ground, writhing in pain. Matt yells in agony as he thrashes on the street. And then all of a sudden he stops. Blood pours out of his ear as something very small seems to exit Matt’s ear canal. The Atom then grows to his normal size, still covered in blood.
Hermione and Teresa then together fly at the Atom and split him in half before he can shrink again. Both of them soon feel a similar pain that Matt was feeling as they drop to the ground. Their Kryptonian powers quickly fade from their bodies as a chunk of Hybrid K Kryptonite is dropped before them.
“Sorry ladies, but this is war,” a figure says from the shadows.
Duke then walks out of the darkness, outfitted in a lead lined Accelerator Suit. He puts two bullets in each of the girls before destroying the rock.
“White Lantern, you know what to do,” orders Duke.
“Yep,” The life entity possessed Deadman responds as he teleports away.
He then rematerializes in front of Captain Universe and the In-Betweener. The two cosmic beings instantly react and blast the White Lantern, but Deadman is absorbing the energy. He outstretches his arms and starts to glow a blinding white. In an effort to preserve life, White Lantern Deadman sacrifices himself to take out these two incredibly powerful beings.
Only the White Lantern ring itself remains from these three competitors. It then levitates in the air and a voice is hear emanating from it.
“Judah Ben-Hur of Israel, you covet life, welcome to the White Lantern Corps.”
“Oh the hell he is,” Magog says as he sees the ring traveling to Ben-Hur.
Magog aims his staff, coupled with his Green Lantern ring and obliterates Ben-Hur before he can acquire the White Lantern ring, which now is forced to travel back to the Commandos’ locker room as it has already picked a bearer.
Gambit engages Duke and fires several kinetically charged playing cards at the G.I. Joe. Duke backflips out of the way and evades the attack. He barrel rolls over to a nearby demolished judicial building. He picks up a flag pole and javelins it at the mutant. The flag pole, still bearing the American flag flies through the air, but Gambit’s snags it out of mid-air. He then fires it back ad Duke and impales the soldier with the now kinetically charge flag pole. Gambit is then blindsided by a yellow energy sniper shot from Leon, dropping the mutant. The assassin flies off of the roof top and searches for his next target.
All the while Adam and Kate are somehow still around, much to even their own surprise.
“Holy crap Kate, are we seriously going to survive this battle?” asks Adam.
However, he simply spoke too soon as they both are electrocuted by Darth Vader’s Sith Lightning. The Sith Lord, joined by his younger, less robotic-self, attack the two elder versions of Clark Kent. Kingdom Come Superman fires his heat vision at Darth Vader, but it’s deflected by his lightsaber. Pre-Suit Vader leaps into the air and slashes at Earth Two Superman, drawing first blood in this contest.
“Arrggh!” Earth Two Clark exclaims.
He then rockets towards Pre-Suit Vader and snaps his neck. He tosses the limp corpse down to the ground and flies in to aid his doppelganger. Though the true Darth Vader is not one to be taken down as easily. He unleashes quite possibly the most impressive display of Sith Lightning that has ever been seen. The blue electricity brightens the dark sky and sends both Supermen careening back.
While Vader’s battle with the Kents wages on, Magog finds himself being attacked by a god. Heimdall kicks Magog to the ground. Their golden armor gleams in the moonlight. Magog tries to blast the Asgardian with his Green Lantern ring, but he deflects it with his sword.
“You time has come to an end,” bellows Heimdall as he drives his sword into the chest of Magog.
“Funny you should say that,” a voice from the sky shouts. “Because so has yours!”
Orion flies in upon his Astro-Harness and blasts Heimdall down. Leon fires several yellow energy bullets at Orion, while Heimdall regains his footing. No matter how much devastation the Backyardigans cause in this war, they are still outnumbered two to one. Though this does not stop Lord Vader or the Son of Darkseid. Orion turns his attention to Leon and vaporizes the assassin with his Astro Force. The two Backyardigans then quickly swap foes, in an effort to catch them off guard. Orion levels Kingdom Come Superman with a powerful uppercut as Darth Vader blast Heimdall back with a Force push. This gives them the opportunity to each take on a Superman. Orion continues his assault on Kingdom Come Superman and spear tackles him to the ground.
“Looking old Clark,” quips Orion and he pummels Kingdom Come Superman.
Clark spits some blood out and retorts, “You’re sounding more and more like Darkseid.”
Kingdom Come Superman then uses his heat vision to blast Orion back off of him. But the Apokolips born warrior is relentless and levels him with another punch.
“I AM NOTHING LIKE MY FATHER!!!” shouts Orion as he drives his fist into Kingdom Come Superman’s chest, killing the Kryptonian.
“You cannot defeat the power of the Force!” Darth Vader exclaims as he ducks under Earth Two Superman’s punch.
He then swiftly drives his lightsaber up underneath Earth Two Superman’s arm and into his side. The Kryptonian screams in pain as Vader twists the crimson blade. Superman’s eyes begin to glow red in a last effort, but Vader powerfully clamps his hand over Superman’s faces and add to his attack with a point blank shot of Sith Lightning. The smoking body of Earth Two Superman drops to the ground as Darth Vader looks to finish this Universe Bowl.
Heimdall raises up his mighty uru sword up and blasts Darth Vader from behind with all the cosmic force in the Universe, finally subduing the Sith Lord once and for all.
Orion’s rage is seething inside of him as he can witnesses his teammate fall. He flies in and nails Heimdall with a double axe handle.
These two gods are both the fiercest warriors of their kind. And they do not disappoint. This fight levels several city blocks, with neither of them giving an inch. Orion knocks Heimdall’s uru sword out of his hand and tackles him to the ground.
“I’m the only god who will be walking away this day,” Orion bellows at Heimdall. “Huurkk.”
Orion then looks down and sees the Sabre of Sorcery sticking out of his side.
“I’m sorry my friend, but you will not be walking anywhere,” responds Heimdall.
The Asgardian drives the sabre deeper into Orion and claims victory for his team.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Universe Bowl V Prologue
“Ok, I’m tired of waiting around for this lazy jackass to watch Universe Bowl V. I’ll do it myself,” the overly arrogant Real Man mumbles to himself as he floats through the cosmos. “Ah, here we go. The Death Star, and on it, Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches. Now…. Where is, oh there they are. Miley and Barack’s Commandos are all aboard Rama. Together their massive space stations almost resemble the sheer majesty that is Real Man’s enormous shaft and singular testicle. All great men have only one ball. Just ask Lance Armstrong. Now where was I? Oh yes, Dark Phoenix erupts from the Death Star and begins to wreak unholy….”
BANG BANG BANG…… “Eric?!? Are you in there? What are you doing?!? Stop playing with yourself and come up for dinner!” shouts a shrieking voice from the blackness of space.
Reality now rights itself, and we find “Real Man” sitting in his parent’s basement with one hand shoved deep inside his boxers and the other holding the mouse to his computer.
“MOM!!!! My name is Real Man, not Eric,” shouts Real Man as he continues the quick and extremely short strokes within his boxers.
“Sheeesssh. Ummmm.. ahh yes… Wreak unholy havoc upon Rama and the Commandos.”
There is now a real flash of cosmic energy within this musty, basement full of self-loathing. Real Man is knocked from his computer chair just as he climaxes, which causes it to splatter all over his “You must be looking in Alderaan places” t-shirt.
“Wha wha wha…” mumbles Real Man as he wipes himself off of his face.
“What the f*** do you think you’re doing?!?!” exclaims the cosmic entity that is standing before him. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t have messed with powers that you couldn’t even possibly begin to understand. I would like to introduce you to a very special Immell that I have created for you. His name is Liberacday, and he’s the genetically spliced clone of Liberace and Doomsday. I’m going to leave you two to get better acquainted. I’ve got a Universe Bowl to watch.”
The cosmic being known as Ryatu then disappears in a flash of the same cosmic energy that he appeared in. Real Man is still curled up in a ball on the ground as the grunting, heaving monster known as Liberacday stomps his way closer to him. Ryatu has now rematerialized overlooking the Playoff Planet, yet he can still hear the squeals and screams from Real Man that echo through the universe. He then thinks to himself, “Ha, well I know who the Murderflies are Off-Listing next year.”
BANG BANG BANG…… “Eric?!? Are you in there? What are you doing?!? Stop playing with yourself and come up for dinner!” shouts a shrieking voice from the blackness of space.
Reality now rights itself, and we find “Real Man” sitting in his parent’s basement with one hand shoved deep inside his boxers and the other holding the mouse to his computer.
“MOM!!!! My name is Real Man, not Eric,” shouts Real Man as he continues the quick and extremely short strokes within his boxers.
“Sheeesssh. Ummmm.. ahh yes… Wreak unholy havoc upon Rama and the Commandos.”
There is now a real flash of cosmic energy within this musty, basement full of self-loathing. Real Man is knocked from his computer chair just as he climaxes, which causes it to splatter all over his “You must be looking in Alderaan places” t-shirt.
“Wha wha wha…” mumbles Real Man as he wipes himself off of his face.
“What the f*** do you think you’re doing?!?!” exclaims the cosmic entity that is standing before him. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t have messed with powers that you couldn’t even possibly begin to understand. I would like to introduce you to a very special Immell that I have created for you. His name is Liberacday, and he’s the genetically spliced clone of Liberace and Doomsday. I’m going to leave you two to get better acquainted. I’ve got a Universe Bowl to watch.”
The cosmic being known as Ryatu then disappears in a flash of the same cosmic energy that he appeared in. Real Man is still curled up in a ball on the ground as the grunting, heaving monster known as Liberacday stomps his way closer to him. Ryatu has now rematerialized overlooking the Playoff Planet, yet he can still hear the squeals and screams from Real Man that echo through the universe. He then thinks to himself, “Ha, well I know who the Murderflies are Off-Listing next year.”
Monday, August 6, 2012
Season 5, Consolation Round 3 – Dope Fiends vs Murderflies
Griffin’s
High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers are: Martin Riggs w/4 barrel Rocket Launcher
Brock
Sampson’s Fighting Murderflies are: Quick Draw McGraw and Teddy
Roosevelt with a green lantern ring.
“Gawsh… I hope this is the right store, Teddy!” Pants an
exhausted Quick Draw McGraw.
Teddy Roosevelt is riding atop the Hanna Barbara animated
horse who is struggling mightily to keep from collapsing under the massive
weight of our nation’s 26th president.
“It HAS to be this store.
Do not worry, Baba Booey” replies Roosevelt
as he dismounts from McGraw in front of the Lowe’s at the corner of 13 mile and
Van Dyke.
“First, his name is Baba LOOEY, and my name is Quick Draw
McGraw.” Says McGraw.
“Oh yeah… Same show though, right?” Teddy asks as they walk
through the front door.
“It’s about time!” shouts an annoyed Martin Riggs who has
setup camp near the entrance. He is
stretched out in a zero gravity lawn chair.
Countless pop cans and beef jerky wrappers litter the floor around
him. “You guys do know this match was
supposed to start over 3 weeks ago, right!?”
“It isn’t OUR fault!” yells Roosevelt. “Blame the watcher! He never told us which hardware store to go
to so we have been to 35 different Lowe’s and Home Depot’s in the Detroit area.”
“Whatever, lets get this party started. I’ll give you two 5 minutes to get a game
plan together and then I’m gonna level this place.” Says Riggs as he picks up
his rocket launcher and takes off toward the lumber section.
Teddy turns to McGraw and instructs him to go find a small
hatchet or a scratch awl. “Something
that doesn’t make a lot of noise,” he continues. “I will fire off a couple rounds and draw his
attention; you sneak up behind him and chop him in the back of the leg or
something.”
The horse runs off leaving an animated puff of dust in his
wake. Teddy pulls out his trusty six
shooter and starts to stroll down the aisles with his gun at the ready. Riggs appears a few aisles in front of Teddy
and aims his rocket launcher. As he
fires a rocket, Quick Draw McGraw sneaks up behind him and buries a utility
knife into the detective’s ankle severing his Achilles tendon. Riggs screams in pain and collapses hard on
the floor dislocating his shoulder for the thousandth time. He looks up just in time to watch his rocket
explode harmlessly against a green brick wall from Teddy’s Green Lantern
ring. Riggs then kicks McGraw with his
good foot and crawls on top of him. He
wrestles the utility knife easily out of his hoof and sinks it deep into the
horse’s neck. McGraw breathes in his own
blood and within a matter of less than a minute is dead in a pool of cartoon
blood.
Teddy stands up and the green energy wall in front of him
disappears. He jogs down to where the
scuffle just happened and sees his teammate’s dead body. He also sees a trail of blood leading out the
other side of the aisle. He smiles,
lights a cigar and follows the bloody footprints.
Riggs doubles back toward the entrance using the row along
the back side of the store. Exhausted he
turns down the paint aisle and does his all too familiar slam of his shoulder
against the metal shelving. “Man this
gets annoying,” he says to himself as he pops it back into place. As he recovers leaning against the shelf he looks
at a row of spray paint. “It’s kinda old
school, but it just might work” he mutters quietly.
Teddy arrives finally and is met with a hobbled Martin Riggs
pointing his newly spray painted rocket launcher at him about a hundred feet
away. Riggs fires and Teddy puts up
another green wall of energy just in time to see a yellow spray painted rocket
barrel at him.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
TEAM Vs. Better Than All of You
TEAM is Joe Levine (w/ a heat ax), Carlos Chiappe-Soto (w/ a green lightsaber), and Cock Sneak Goomba #4.
Better Than All of You is Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, Battle Droid #7, and Doozer #15
As the time passes before their meeting with the TEAM coaching staff, there is a significant amount of dissension in the ranks...
“I should obviously be the leader of this squad. After all, I have an extensive background as a diplomat and politician and am much more qualified than any other member of this crew”. Says Carlos to his two teammates. “You also have an extensive background as a gay, and as an individual that I need to s*&t on the face of”. Says Joe in reply. He continues: “The only person here who is qualified to lead this squad is me. Mainly because I don't suck at life nearly as much as you two Butt-Pirates”. This witty banter between the two TEAMmates (and I use that term loosely) continues as they, along with Cock Sneak Goomba #4 walk in to the front office of TEAM Headquarters. TEAM, as they have been all season long is still without a head coach; but they are met by Assistant Coaches The Oracle and Spock, General Manager Griffin Poteracki, and Offensive and Defensive Coordinators Mother Brain and Teletran 1. Spock says: “I understand that there is an issue between the three of you as to who should lead this squad”? “You may each respond, but keep it brief” adds Teletran 1. Carlos responds first: “Yes, I have no idea why the rest of this squad does not see my leadership abilities for what they are. I am the only qualified person among us. If for no other reason, because I am fairly confident that I am the only one in this trio with an I.Q. In the triple digits”. Joe speaks next: “I'm sorry, all I heard was blah blah blah I like to eat d*%k”. Joe then begins doing a bad imitation of Carlos' Peruvian accent and says: I have no idea why the rest of this squad does not see my ability to not suck as much as they do. If for no other reason, I am fairly confident that I am the only one in this trio that has a wenis that can be seen without a microscope”. The Cock Sneak Goomba then politely addresses the coaching staff by saying: It matters not to me who leads this squad, I would just like to work together as a TEAM and have this dissension come to an end”. “Which is exactly why you will be the leader of this squad” says The Oracle. The squad is then immediately dismissed, despite the whines of both Carlos and Joe.
The Better Than All of You Squad has managed to get to Home Depot early, and have already set up a vantage point. With the help of Doozer #15's construction skills; Neidhart has set up a scaffold where he has access to numerous tools and materials to use as weapons against his opponents. When the TEAM trio first enters Home Depot, they are instantly attacked by the Betters sentry Battle Droid #7. “Take cover” yells the C.S. Goomba to his squad, as they all jump behind the counter to avoid the blaster bolts. “Don't tell me what to do goomba” says Carlos. “I'm with you on that for once Chiappe. I'd rather cut my schlong off than listen to this homo” Joe than takes his Eastwing Hammer and launches it at the battle droid, knocking the droid's head off. Carlos then gets out from behind the counter and snatches up Doozer #15 off the ground. The doozer looks at him defiantly and says: “You may kill me now, but you will never get through The Anvil's defenses. You are going to die in this Home Depot”. “Hmmm. That's great. I'm going to step on your face now, for being such a b@#$h”. Says Carlos as he throws the doozer on the ground and does exactly as he promised. “Ha. What a dick”. Says Joe. Carlos then begins putting the head back on the Battle Droid, which prompts Joe to ask: “What the S^&t are you doing Dumba$$”? “Dude, these things are so easy to put back together and reprogram. And we could probably use the extra help”. “That idea is really dumb. Most likely because it came from someone who is really stupid. I am going to go get a hot dog. Let me know when you ladies are actually ready to go kill Neidhart. He's the only enemy remaining, and it can't possibly be that bad”. Says Joe. With that sentence still floating about their ears, they begin to hear a series of deafening crashes from the ladder and heavy equipment department. The three members of TEAM (plus the reprogrammed battle droid that is following Carlos) rush towards the noise, to see Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart perched on top of an enormous scaffold, being held up by two forty foot ladders. He has the ladder feet bolted to the floor with a shelf propped up directly behind him with everything you could ever want to throw off of a ladder at somebody at the ready. The four TEAMsters barely evade a barrage of falling paint cans, by taking cover behind a stack of O.S.B. Joe turns to his squad and says: “Holy S&^T!! There's no way I can get through this barrage of bull*&t, especially with this group of gaywads backing me up”. “Your slow-a&& would trip and fall right in to his attack before we even got the chance to screw it up. So stop being a b&*^h. Replies Carlos. The two of them begin to bicker some more when the C.S.Goomba chimes in quickly and forcefully:
“SHUT UP!! Listen up you punks, the coaches put me in charge and that is how it is going to be. I sick of your mouths and the crap that is coming out of them. Now here is the plan... Battle Droid, you bounce back about twenty feet, and take cover behind the C.D.X. From there you can lay down a suppressing fire and keep Neidhart busy. Carlos: you're the Peruvian Madman, so make a mad dash towards the other side of the shelving, and climb up behind him. I'll be down here on the ground trying to draw his attacks away from all of you... And Joe... SMASH”!!
The Anvil gets sick of the laser blasts from his old teammate the battle droid and is able to take off the battle droid's head once again with a sailing Vaughn Hatchet (he would have preferred a Plumb Hatchet like everybody else in the world, but Home Depot still doesn't carry them). Joe is going crazy with his Heat Ax to break through the stacks of wood and debris that are protecting the bolted down feet of Jim's ladders while Carlos is getting closer and closer to the top. Just as he had planned the c.s. Goomba is taking the brunt of the attacks from down below, but thus far has evaded them all. It isn't until The Anvil pulls out the Dewalt stick nailer and starts firing down #16's at him that he starts to get hit. The new and improved goomba is slowed down by being stuck with so many nails; but isn't finished off until Neidhart throws the entire Emglo Compressor down on top of him. Now the finally united TEAM becomes totally enraged at seeing the death of the guy that brought them all together. Joe begins swinging his heat ax wildly and uses it to cast Blaze Level 2 which ignites half of the building in flames. Carlos has reached the top of the buildings steel rafters and makes a daring leap on to the scaffold. He now stands face to face with the pro wrestler. Carlos ignites his lightsaber, but it isn't enough, because before he can truly steady himself, The Anvil launches a bag of dried mortar at Carlos and sends him plummeting to his doom. Joe screams “NOOOOO” as he leaps up from a piece of burning treated lumber and uses his ax to slice through the tenth rung on Jim's ladder. The entire scaffold begins to shake, when Joe puts his shoulder in to it and sends the two ladders falling, with the pick and Neidhart on it coming down hard. The Anvil is down on the ground laying on a knocked over pallet of tar paper, when he comes to for a brief second to see Joe dropping his heat ax and grabbing his hammer, which goes by the name of Phoenix. Joe says: “In case you were wondering B&*(^ch, nobody messes with my gay TEAMmates but me”. Joe then drives his claw hammer in to the dome of Neidhart and walks out of the burning building alone.
Better Than All of You is Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, Battle Droid #7, and Doozer #15
As the time passes before their meeting with the TEAM coaching staff, there is a significant amount of dissension in the ranks...
“I should obviously be the leader of this squad. After all, I have an extensive background as a diplomat and politician and am much more qualified than any other member of this crew”. Says Carlos to his two teammates. “You also have an extensive background as a gay, and as an individual that I need to s*&t on the face of”. Says Joe in reply. He continues: “The only person here who is qualified to lead this squad is me. Mainly because I don't suck at life nearly as much as you two Butt-Pirates”. This witty banter between the two TEAMmates (and I use that term loosely) continues as they, along with Cock Sneak Goomba #4 walk in to the front office of TEAM Headquarters. TEAM, as they have been all season long is still without a head coach; but they are met by Assistant Coaches The Oracle and Spock, General Manager Griffin Poteracki, and Offensive and Defensive Coordinators Mother Brain and Teletran 1. Spock says: “I understand that there is an issue between the three of you as to who should lead this squad”? “You may each respond, but keep it brief” adds Teletran 1. Carlos responds first: “Yes, I have no idea why the rest of this squad does not see my leadership abilities for what they are. I am the only qualified person among us. If for no other reason, because I am fairly confident that I am the only one in this trio with an I.Q. In the triple digits”. Joe speaks next: “I'm sorry, all I heard was blah blah blah I like to eat d*%k”. Joe then begins doing a bad imitation of Carlos' Peruvian accent and says: I have no idea why the rest of this squad does not see my ability to not suck as much as they do. If for no other reason, I am fairly confident that I am the only one in this trio that has a wenis that can be seen without a microscope”. The Cock Sneak Goomba then politely addresses the coaching staff by saying: It matters not to me who leads this squad, I would just like to work together as a TEAM and have this dissension come to an end”. “Which is exactly why you will be the leader of this squad” says The Oracle. The squad is then immediately dismissed, despite the whines of both Carlos and Joe.
The Better Than All of You Squad has managed to get to Home Depot early, and have already set up a vantage point. With the help of Doozer #15's construction skills; Neidhart has set up a scaffold where he has access to numerous tools and materials to use as weapons against his opponents. When the TEAM trio first enters Home Depot, they are instantly attacked by the Betters sentry Battle Droid #7. “Take cover” yells the C.S. Goomba to his squad, as they all jump behind the counter to avoid the blaster bolts. “Don't tell me what to do goomba” says Carlos. “I'm with you on that for once Chiappe. I'd rather cut my schlong off than listen to this homo” Joe than takes his Eastwing Hammer and launches it at the battle droid, knocking the droid's head off. Carlos then gets out from behind the counter and snatches up Doozer #15 off the ground. The doozer looks at him defiantly and says: “You may kill me now, but you will never get through The Anvil's defenses. You are going to die in this Home Depot”. “Hmmm. That's great. I'm going to step on your face now, for being such a b@#$h”. Says Carlos as he throws the doozer on the ground and does exactly as he promised. “Ha. What a dick”. Says Joe. Carlos then begins putting the head back on the Battle Droid, which prompts Joe to ask: “What the S^&t are you doing Dumba$$”? “Dude, these things are so easy to put back together and reprogram. And we could probably use the extra help”. “That idea is really dumb. Most likely because it came from someone who is really stupid. I am going to go get a hot dog. Let me know when you ladies are actually ready to go kill Neidhart. He's the only enemy remaining, and it can't possibly be that bad”. Says Joe. With that sentence still floating about their ears, they begin to hear a series of deafening crashes from the ladder and heavy equipment department. The three members of TEAM (plus the reprogrammed battle droid that is following Carlos) rush towards the noise, to see Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart perched on top of an enormous scaffold, being held up by two forty foot ladders. He has the ladder feet bolted to the floor with a shelf propped up directly behind him with everything you could ever want to throw off of a ladder at somebody at the ready. The four TEAMsters barely evade a barrage of falling paint cans, by taking cover behind a stack of O.S.B. Joe turns to his squad and says: “Holy S&^T!! There's no way I can get through this barrage of bull*&t, especially with this group of gaywads backing me up”. “Your slow-a&& would trip and fall right in to his attack before we even got the chance to screw it up. So stop being a b&*^h. Replies Carlos. The two of them begin to bicker some more when the C.S.Goomba chimes in quickly and forcefully:
“SHUT UP!! Listen up you punks, the coaches put me in charge and that is how it is going to be. I sick of your mouths and the crap that is coming out of them. Now here is the plan... Battle Droid, you bounce back about twenty feet, and take cover behind the C.D.X. From there you can lay down a suppressing fire and keep Neidhart busy. Carlos: you're the Peruvian Madman, so make a mad dash towards the other side of the shelving, and climb up behind him. I'll be down here on the ground trying to draw his attacks away from all of you... And Joe... SMASH”!!
The Anvil gets sick of the laser blasts from his old teammate the battle droid and is able to take off the battle droid's head once again with a sailing Vaughn Hatchet (he would have preferred a Plumb Hatchet like everybody else in the world, but Home Depot still doesn't carry them). Joe is going crazy with his Heat Ax to break through the stacks of wood and debris that are protecting the bolted down feet of Jim's ladders while Carlos is getting closer and closer to the top. Just as he had planned the c.s. Goomba is taking the brunt of the attacks from down below, but thus far has evaded them all. It isn't until The Anvil pulls out the Dewalt stick nailer and starts firing down #16's at him that he starts to get hit. The new and improved goomba is slowed down by being stuck with so many nails; but isn't finished off until Neidhart throws the entire Emglo Compressor down on top of him. Now the finally united TEAM becomes totally enraged at seeing the death of the guy that brought them all together. Joe begins swinging his heat ax wildly and uses it to cast Blaze Level 2 which ignites half of the building in flames. Carlos has reached the top of the buildings steel rafters and makes a daring leap on to the scaffold. He now stands face to face with the pro wrestler. Carlos ignites his lightsaber, but it isn't enough, because before he can truly steady himself, The Anvil launches a bag of dried mortar at Carlos and sends him plummeting to his doom. Joe screams “NOOOOO” as he leaps up from a piece of burning treated lumber and uses his ax to slice through the tenth rung on Jim's ladder. The entire scaffold begins to shake, when Joe puts his shoulder in to it and sends the two ladders falling, with the pick and Neidhart on it coming down hard. The Anvil is down on the ground laying on a knocked over pallet of tar paper, when he comes to for a brief second to see Joe dropping his heat ax and grabbing his hammer, which goes by the name of Phoenix. Joe says: “In case you were wondering B&*(^ch, nobody messes with my gay TEAMmates but me”. Joe then drives his claw hammer in to the dome of Neidhart and walks out of the burning building alone.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
King of the Consolation Match: Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family vs Xavier's Annihilation Sqaud
Layander's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family is:
Zombie Sonic the Hedgehog and Doozer #7
Xavier's Annihilation Squad is: Robin (Jason Todd) w/blue lightsaber and NFG Mike w/green lightsaber
The two members of Layander's squadron arrive at the Home Depot in Walled Lake a few minutes before the scheduled start time of the match, so they can prepare. As they enter and head down the aisles to begin gathering materials for this high profile match-up, Jason Todd arrives and waits outside for his teammate.
An hour and a half later, NFG Mike's car pulls into the parking lot, and the owner of the Annihilation Squad gets out of the car in a smoky haze and hustles over to his teammate with a Big Gulp in one hand and is finishing chewing his Big Bite Hot Dog.
"Sorry dude, sorry" mumbles Mike with his mouth full of hot dog to a visibly annoyed Robin.
"Seriously? Come on guy." fumes Todd "You've given a Doozer almost two hours in a home improvement store. God only knows what he's come up with, and do I even want to ask what that smell is? You know this is a championship match, right?"
"Relax bud, heh BUD *snicker*. look, look. Look. Look.....What was I saying?" responds NFG
"For f**k's sake. Let's just get this s**tshow underway" and with that Jason Todd ignites his lightsaber and enters the building, while Greenwall hustles to catch up to him yelling "YO! I got something we can spark besides that lazer knife if you got the time. Yo! Hey!"
Jason throws some smokepellets and quickly climbs up the aisles to try and get a better vantage point. He scans the store, looking for any sign of his opponents. He spots them, and gets ready to pounce when all of a sudden
'YO! JASON!!!! WHAT'S GOING ON DUDE???? YOU SEE THEM???? CAN YOU GET THEM FROM UP THERE????!!!!!"
"F**K! REALLY??" says Jason who jumps down from his vantage point and delivers a mighty drop-kick to zombie Sonic, as the undead hedgehog is down, Jason quickly cuts off it's legs, but Sonic still lives and is growling and thrashing about.
"Let's just get this over with." sighs Jason, but as he's about to plunge his lightsaber into Sonic's head and finish him off, he hears a TWANG and is struck from behind by something. Jason stumbles a bit, and looks to see what hit him as it clatters to the floor. He freezes dead in his tracks when he sees the object.
A crowbar.
*pfft* the sound of an airhammer cuts the silence as a nail strikes the paralyzed sidekick in the eye. Jason falls backwards onto the handicapped Sonic, who smells blood. The scent throws the speedy zombie into a frenzy and Jason is quickly devoured by zombie Sonic.
"Now the hard parts over" smirks Doozer #7 "Now to finish this. Come on, Sonic. Time for dessert." With that, the Doozer hustles off as fast as his little legs will take him, while zombie Sonic drags himself after him.
While his teammate is being slaughtered and devoured, NFG Mike is frantically looking for anything that will help him at this moment. The candy located by the checkouts. "Homeboy has a bad case of the munchies" he says to himself, giggling. He finally settles on a can of Pringles, and just as he pops the top, he sees the Doozer.
"What the f**k?" says NFG as he drops his chips and stumbles to get his lightsaber.
"Found him Sonic! Get over here!!!" Cries the Doozer. He rushes his opponent, a razorblade attached to each of his hands and feet. Just as he's about to pounce and knock down NFG so Sonic can finish him off, the tiny builder suddenly drops to his knees and begins to groan in pain.
"Dude. You ok?" asks NFG
The Doozer looks up at him, spits and tries to get to his feet and advance on his rival. But again, he's weaken and can't get close to his opponent.
"Sonic. Hurry. I-I can't get close to him. You gotta finish him off for me." he groans
Greenwall decides this isn't a great place for him to be, so he hurries out of the checkout, grabbing a MilkyWay on his way out. As he passes over Doozer #7, the diminutive builder lets out a mighty scream, but nothing has touched him.
"Hmmmm." thinks Mike, who sees the half a hedgehog advancing on him. Mike grabs a bag of concrete and hurls it at Sonic. It hits him in the arm and breaks it. Sonic is now immobile and is just snarling and spitting all over the place. Mike grabs a sledgehammer and finishes off the undead videogame mascot. That nasty bit of business over, he heads over to the Doozer. Just as the Doozer is getting back on his feet he staggers back down as Greenwall gets near him.
"Look dude, no hard feelings." says the newest FFL owner as he sits down by the agonizing Doozer. He pulls out a baggie and continues "How's about we smoke 'em peace pipe before I finish you off, just so you know there's nothing personal." he holds out the baggie to the Doozer who now begins convulsing and screaming as if he's been lit on fire.
"GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!!! IT BURNS!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!" he screams
"Dude. It's only weed. It's perfectly natural and can't kill you" the puzzled NFG says
"YOU IDIOT!!! MARIJUANA IS KRYPTONITE TO A DOOZER!!!! SOMETHING THAT RELAXES YOU AND MAKES YOU NOT REALLY CARES ABOUT WORKING???!!!! GET IT AWAY!!!!"
"Really? Huh. I'll be damned." says MIke. "Well dude, I hate to see you like this, and like that saying goes. No friend of weed? No friend indeed" he pulls out his lightsaber and puts Doozer #7 out of his misery.
"Now to show why I have a GREEN lightsaber" smiles NFG who turns the lightsaber just so, that it's now a bong. He's just about ready to fire up a victory smoke when he asks himself
"Hey. Whatever happened to Jason??!!!"
Zombie Sonic the Hedgehog and Doozer #7
Xavier's Annihilation Squad is: Robin (Jason Todd) w/blue lightsaber and NFG Mike w/green lightsaber
The two members of Layander's squadron arrive at the Home Depot in Walled Lake a few minutes before the scheduled start time of the match, so they can prepare. As they enter and head down the aisles to begin gathering materials for this high profile match-up, Jason Todd arrives and waits outside for his teammate.
An hour and a half later, NFG Mike's car pulls into the parking lot, and the owner of the Annihilation Squad gets out of the car in a smoky haze and hustles over to his teammate with a Big Gulp in one hand and is finishing chewing his Big Bite Hot Dog.
"Sorry dude, sorry" mumbles Mike with his mouth full of hot dog to a visibly annoyed Robin.
"Seriously? Come on guy." fumes Todd "You've given a Doozer almost two hours in a home improvement store. God only knows what he's come up with, and do I even want to ask what that smell is? You know this is a championship match, right?"
"Relax bud, heh BUD *snicker*. look, look. Look. Look.....What was I saying?" responds NFG
"For f**k's sake. Let's just get this s**tshow underway" and with that Jason Todd ignites his lightsaber and enters the building, while Greenwall hustles to catch up to him yelling "YO! I got something we can spark besides that lazer knife if you got the time. Yo! Hey!"
Jason throws some smokepellets and quickly climbs up the aisles to try and get a better vantage point. He scans the store, looking for any sign of his opponents. He spots them, and gets ready to pounce when all of a sudden
'YO! JASON!!!! WHAT'S GOING ON DUDE???? YOU SEE THEM???? CAN YOU GET THEM FROM UP THERE????!!!!!"
"F**K! REALLY??" says Jason who jumps down from his vantage point and delivers a mighty drop-kick to zombie Sonic, as the undead hedgehog is down, Jason quickly cuts off it's legs, but Sonic still lives and is growling and thrashing about.
"Let's just get this over with." sighs Jason, but as he's about to plunge his lightsaber into Sonic's head and finish him off, he hears a TWANG and is struck from behind by something. Jason stumbles a bit, and looks to see what hit him as it clatters to the floor. He freezes dead in his tracks when he sees the object.
A crowbar.
*pfft* the sound of an airhammer cuts the silence as a nail strikes the paralyzed sidekick in the eye. Jason falls backwards onto the handicapped Sonic, who smells blood. The scent throws the speedy zombie into a frenzy and Jason is quickly devoured by zombie Sonic.
"Now the hard parts over" smirks Doozer #7 "Now to finish this. Come on, Sonic. Time for dessert." With that, the Doozer hustles off as fast as his little legs will take him, while zombie Sonic drags himself after him.
While his teammate is being slaughtered and devoured, NFG Mike is frantically looking for anything that will help him at this moment. The candy located by the checkouts. "Homeboy has a bad case of the munchies" he says to himself, giggling. He finally settles on a can of Pringles, and just as he pops the top, he sees the Doozer.
"What the f**k?" says NFG as he drops his chips and stumbles to get his lightsaber.
"Found him Sonic! Get over here!!!" Cries the Doozer. He rushes his opponent, a razorblade attached to each of his hands and feet. Just as he's about to pounce and knock down NFG so Sonic can finish him off, the tiny builder suddenly drops to his knees and begins to groan in pain.
"Dude. You ok?" asks NFG
The Doozer looks up at him, spits and tries to get to his feet and advance on his rival. But again, he's weaken and can't get close to his opponent.
"Sonic. Hurry. I-I can't get close to him. You gotta finish him off for me." he groans
Greenwall decides this isn't a great place for him to be, so he hurries out of the checkout, grabbing a MilkyWay on his way out. As he passes over Doozer #7, the diminutive builder lets out a mighty scream, but nothing has touched him.
"Hmmmm." thinks Mike, who sees the half a hedgehog advancing on him. Mike grabs a bag of concrete and hurls it at Sonic. It hits him in the arm and breaks it. Sonic is now immobile and is just snarling and spitting all over the place. Mike grabs a sledgehammer and finishes off the undead videogame mascot. That nasty bit of business over, he heads over to the Doozer. Just as the Doozer is getting back on his feet he staggers back down as Greenwall gets near him.
"Look dude, no hard feelings." says the newest FFL owner as he sits down by the agonizing Doozer. He pulls out a baggie and continues "How's about we smoke 'em peace pipe before I finish you off, just so you know there's nothing personal." he holds out the baggie to the Doozer who now begins convulsing and screaming as if he's been lit on fire.
"GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!!! IT BURNS!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!" he screams
"Dude. It's only weed. It's perfectly natural and can't kill you" the puzzled NFG says
"YOU IDIOT!!! MARIJUANA IS KRYPTONITE TO A DOOZER!!!! SOMETHING THAT RELAXES YOU AND MAKES YOU NOT REALLY CARES ABOUT WORKING???!!!! GET IT AWAY!!!!"
"Really? Huh. I'll be damned." says MIke. "Well dude, I hate to see you like this, and like that saying goes. No friend of weed? No friend indeed" he pulls out his lightsaber and puts Doozer #7 out of his misery.
"Now to show why I have a GREEN lightsaber" smiles NFG who turns the lightsaber just so, that it's now a bong. He's just about ready to fire up a victory smoke when he asks himself
"Hey. Whatever happened to Jason??!!!"
Universe Bowl V Line-ups
Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches are Darth Vader, Pre-Suit Darth Vader in Z-95 Headhunter, Boba Fett w/double-blade red lightsaber, Wolverine in a F Zero Car, Michael Myers w/red lightsaber, Hermione Granger with X-Kryptonite, a magic lamp & Ferengi energy whip, Mogo, Brother Blood w/Sirius Black's magic wand, Tyvokka w/Indigo Lantern ring, Deadman, Gambit w/Magnoguard electrostaff, Dark Phoenix, Red Hulk, Red She Hulk w/green lightsaber, Orion, Holocaust, Magog w/Green Lantern ring, Dracula, Spike, Arkillo, Vulcan, In-Betweener, Black Lantern Parallax, Black Lantern Apocalypse, Captain Universe, Soranak Natu, Legolas w/Sinestro's Green Lantern ring, Aragorn, Matt Oblak w/Mandalorian armor, S.P.I.N Tech, green & blue lightsabers, Teresa Oblak w/Tron lightsuit, Palantir, blue & green lightsabers, Yellow Lantern Bryan Beckerman, Black Zarak, Amatsu Mikaboshi – The Chaos King, Korvac, Zombie Superman, Life Model Decoy #2, and The Death Star.
Miley Cyrus & President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos is President Barack Obama w/General Grievous’s blue & green lightsabers, President John Adams, President Thomas Jefferson, Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill w/Dumbledore's Elder Wand, Miley Cyrus, Kingdom Come Superman, Earth 2 Superman, Buffy Summers w/green lightsaber, Angel, (formerly Black Lantern) Optimus Prime w/Autobot Matrix of Leadership, Elita One, Jetfire, Jetstorm, Movie Blackout w/Atrocitus's Red Lantern ring, Insecticons; Bombshell, Shrapnel, Kickback, Venom, Ransack, Barrage, & Chop Shop, Duke, Zartan w/S.P.I.N. Tech, Corp. Hicks w/Green Lantern ring, Leon w/Yellow Lantern Ring, Katniss Everdeen w/Green Lantern ring, Judah Ben Hur w/Ferengi energy whip, White Lantern Deadman, Taylor Swift w/Sith Lanvarok, Ginny Weasley w/Harry Potter's Wand, Madame Blanc w/Yellow Lantern ring, Miss Tanner w/Red Lantern ring, Helena Markos w/Red Lantern ring, Suspiria Witch Coven #1 w/Indigo lantern ring, Suspiria Witch Coven #2-5, Dr. Fate w/Palantir, The Secret Circle; Cassie Blake, Diana Meade, Jake Armstrong, Diana Meade, Adam Conant, & Melissa Glaser, Jack Crowe w/red lightsaber in Kenny Power’s Pussy Rocket truck, Darth Binks, Lazarus Long & Astro Droid #19 in a Jedi V-Wing, Xavier Harkonnen & Astro Droid #20 in a Z-95 Headhunter, Steven Hiller in F-35 Jet, Vorian Atreides in Tie Interceptor, Dante (Cymek) w/Hybrid K Kryptonite, Bail Organa in the Nubian 327, Luminara Unduli w/Blue Lantern ring, Barress Offee, Man-at-Arms, Teela, Maestro, Original Human Torch, The Atom, Heimdall, Black Lantern Set, Black Lantern Neo, Adam Hernandez w/a Bazooka, Kate Hernandez w/Legion Flight Ring, Carslie Cullen w/Star Sapphire Ring, Esme Cullen, Alice Cullen, Emmett Cullen, Jasper Hale, Rosalie Hale, The Sucker Punch Crew; Baby doll, Sweet Pea, Rocket, Blondie, &Amber w/her Bunny Mech Ship, Rachel Ray w/Flamethrower & green Lightsaber, Friedrich Nietzsche, Worm Becks, Jen Linley w/Jetpack & green lightsaber, The Spice Girls; Scary Spice, Baby Spice, Ginger Spice, Sporty Spice, & Posh Spice, David Beckham, Brad Pitt w/Tron Lightsuit, Angelina Jolie, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, Zhara Jolie-Pitt, Pax Jolie-Pitt, Knox Jolie-Pitt, Vivian Jolie-Pitt w/Qui-Gon Jinn's green lightsaber, Benny, Isa, Tico, Ewok Baby #5, Gungan Soldier #1, Gungan Soldiers #5-10, Life Model Decoy #1-3, Rama and S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier.
Miley Cyrus & President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos is President Barack Obama w/General Grievous’s blue & green lightsabers, President John Adams, President Thomas Jefferson, Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill w/Dumbledore's Elder Wand, Miley Cyrus, Kingdom Come Superman, Earth 2 Superman, Buffy Summers w/green lightsaber, Angel, (formerly Black Lantern) Optimus Prime w/Autobot Matrix of Leadership, Elita One, Jetfire, Jetstorm, Movie Blackout w/Atrocitus's Red Lantern ring, Insecticons; Bombshell, Shrapnel, Kickback, Venom, Ransack, Barrage, & Chop Shop, Duke, Zartan w/S.P.I.N. Tech, Corp. Hicks w/Green Lantern ring, Leon w/Yellow Lantern Ring, Katniss Everdeen w/Green Lantern ring, Judah Ben Hur w/Ferengi energy whip, White Lantern Deadman, Taylor Swift w/Sith Lanvarok, Ginny Weasley w/Harry Potter's Wand, Madame Blanc w/Yellow Lantern ring, Miss Tanner w/Red Lantern ring, Helena Markos w/Red Lantern ring, Suspiria Witch Coven #1 w/Indigo lantern ring, Suspiria Witch Coven #2-5, Dr. Fate w/Palantir, The Secret Circle; Cassie Blake, Diana Meade, Jake Armstrong, Diana Meade, Adam Conant, & Melissa Glaser, Jack Crowe w/red lightsaber in Kenny Power’s Pussy Rocket truck, Darth Binks, Lazarus Long & Astro Droid #19 in a Jedi V-Wing, Xavier Harkonnen & Astro Droid #20 in a Z-95 Headhunter, Steven Hiller in F-35 Jet, Vorian Atreides in Tie Interceptor, Dante (Cymek) w/Hybrid K Kryptonite, Bail Organa in the Nubian 327, Luminara Unduli w/Blue Lantern ring, Barress Offee, Man-at-Arms, Teela, Maestro, Original Human Torch, The Atom, Heimdall, Black Lantern Set, Black Lantern Neo, Adam Hernandez w/a Bazooka, Kate Hernandez w/Legion Flight Ring, Carslie Cullen w/Star Sapphire Ring, Esme Cullen, Alice Cullen, Emmett Cullen, Jasper Hale, Rosalie Hale, The Sucker Punch Crew; Baby doll, Sweet Pea, Rocket, Blondie, &Amber w/her Bunny Mech Ship, Rachel Ray w/Flamethrower & green Lightsaber, Friedrich Nietzsche, Worm Becks, Jen Linley w/Jetpack & green lightsaber, The Spice Girls; Scary Spice, Baby Spice, Ginger Spice, Sporty Spice, & Posh Spice, David Beckham, Brad Pitt w/Tron Lightsuit, Angelina Jolie, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, Zhara Jolie-Pitt, Pax Jolie-Pitt, Knox Jolie-Pitt, Vivian Jolie-Pitt w/Qui-Gon Jinn's green lightsaber, Benny, Isa, Tico, Ewok Baby #5, Gungan Soldier #1, Gungan Soldiers #5-10, Life Model Decoy #1-3, Rama and S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Consolation Round 3- The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve
The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets is: Bowser: King of Koopa (w/ Larfleeze's Orange Lantern Ring)
Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kinnelz of Lurve are: BL Nick Houslander (9deaths), Kevin Perrira w/ Legion Flight Ring and throwing knives & Olivia Munn w/ Jetpack and Treasure Troll
"It's not FAIR!" pouts Olivia Munn, as he team enters the Lowes at Maple Road and Halsted in Walled Lake, MI. "You guys have cool rings! Why don't I have one! I've just got this clunky jetpack and helmet. It's not fashionable OR as powerful as your guys rings!"
"Calm down, Olivia" says Ken Perrira "The treasure troll doesn't have a ring either, and it's not complaining."
"Yeah" snickers black lantern Nick Houslander "You're just SLIGHTLY cooler than a one point common Treasure Troll. Clearly there's been some oversight in giving the fabulous OLIVIA MUNN a weapon like a power ring, what with your love of "nerd culture" that doesn't come off as forced or contrived AT ALL"
"You got a problem with me Houslander?" responds Munn "What's up, bitch? What's your problem with me???!!!"
"My problem? Dude, have you been following your career AT ALL??!!! You're a terrible actress, you were beyond obnoxious of 'Attack of the Show' and the fact that you posed for Playboy and didn't have any nude pictures at all is total horses**t! So, I guess to summarize my problem with you is that you suck, your entire "career" is a crock of bulls**t built on being slightly cute and being able to fake an interest in comics and games. You're no Adrienne Curry, sweet heart." unloads the black lantern "Now do me a favor. Go be useful for the first time in your miserable life, by doing some recon and tell us how many Midgets are in there and who they are."
As Olivia stands there, her jaw hanging open, seething with rage. Nick adds the final insult to his verbal barrage. He gently taps her on the bottom and says
"Chop-chop sweet cheeks, daddy has things to do" he smirks. The treasure troll and Ken Perrira just stand there, shocked beyond belief at was has just transpired
Olivia stomps into the store, and zooms into the air and beings scouring the area. A brief, orange flash catches her eye over by the plumbing aisle, so she lands and goes to investigate. She looks around, and doesn't see anyone. She hears a faint rattle behind her, so she grabs a lead pipe. Suddenly-Bowser bursts out at her. Olivia screams and swings the pipe, striking him in the gut. As Bowser doubles over clutching his gut, there's a clink and an orange power ring hits the floor. Munn dives for the ring and grabs it.
"Stupid nerd. Tells me I don't deserve a ring" thinks Munn "I'll show HIM!!" and she slides the ring on her finger.
"OLIVIA!!! NO!!!!!" screams Perrira as he and the rest of the Kennelz burst in and try to stop her. But it's too late. Bowser stands up and laughs
"Ha!!! She's MINE NOW!!!!" bellows the beast "I've got me the PRINCESS OF THE NERDS!! BOWSER WINS!!" he turns and looks at the newest member of the Midgets- Orange Lantern Olivia Munn
"Princess of the nerds my ass" growls Nick "If she knew anything about comics she'd have know that an orange ring is a trap. Didn't that dumb broad read the "Agent Orange" arc of Green Lantern??!!"
"Not the time, Nick. Not the time." says Ken as he takes to the air with the treasure troll. "We gotta save her!" he throws a bunch of knives at Bowser that have no effect on him.
"Olivia! He's trying to take your ring! STOP HIM!" bellows Bowser.
"NO! IT'S MMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" screams the starlet. who rushes her former co-host and plows into him. The force of the hit causes Ken to drop the Treasure Troll, who plummets to the ground and is caught by Bowser.
"Heh. A treasure troll. Too bad I already have this color. But I can fix that!" he stomps towards the paint department, taking the time to first throw a fireball at black lantern Nick Houslander, who tried to sneak up on the king of the koopas but with no avail. Bowser grabs a bucket of paint from the shelf. He easily pops the top off of the can with his dragon nails, dumps out some of the paint on the ground and plunges the troll into the remaining paint. He seals the can on the screaming troll, it's cries for help muffled inside the container. "Gotta make sure I mix it well." smirks Bowser as her puts the can into the paintmixer and turns it on. He stands there, grinning demonically as the sound of troll screams and sickening THUDS fill the area.
As the troll is being shaken to death, and while Nick burns, the two former "AoTS" hosts still battle in the air. The force field of the Legion ring protect Perrira from the bolts of orange that are being fired in his direction. Ken realizes that there's no way for him to reason with, or save his friend- he's going to have to kill her. He zips down to the lumber aisle, grabs a 2x4, turns and swings as he pays homage to "Hacksaw" Jum Duggan screaming "HHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" as the board passes through her head. Harmlessly.
"Nice try. 'Tough Guy' " smirks Munn who grabs Perrira by the arm and breaks it. Ken crumbles to his knees, screaming and crying. "Pathetic" sneers Munn who grabs the piece of lumber and begins viciously beating her one time friend with it. The force of her blows is so great, and repetitve, she grabs another piece and continues her assault. Perrira's skull becomes a red mush on the concrete, yet Munn continues grabbing boards and bashing on the fallen Kennelz member.
"Enough" commands Bowser who comes sauntering down the aisle with Treasure Troll 15's new casket. A dented and bloody paint can."We've got enough red here, my pet. Let's got get the ash of the other one and our collection of Kennelz Corpses will be complete."
"F**king asshole!" spits Munn "How dare he accuse me of not knowing nerd culture. Loser"
"Well he's dead n-" begins Bowser when suddenly a large piece of metal pipe explodes from his chest- killing him.
"NNNNOOOOOO!!!" screams Olvia Munn as she begins to fade "HE KILLED YOU!!!! I SAW YOU BURN. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY VICTORY!"
"You stupid bastard" says the perfectly fine black lantern Nick Houslander "How many times does it have to be said? YOU CAN ONLY KILL A BLACK LANTERN WITH A COMBINATION OF A GREEN RING AND ANOTHER ONE. GOD!!"
"Bbbbutt. But. I had a ring" she sobs "I had an orange riiiinnn..." she finishes as she fades out of existence.
"What a moron. Everyone knows that once you put on an orange ring, you die and basically are a puppet of whoever controls that main ring. It's like she's never read any of John's "Green Lantern" run or watched any of these fantasy matches." Nick says
"Princess of the nerds, my ass."
Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kinnelz of Lurve are: BL Nick Houslander (9deaths), Kevin Perrira w/ Legion Flight Ring and throwing knives & Olivia Munn w/ Jetpack and Treasure Troll
"It's not FAIR!" pouts Olivia Munn, as he team enters the Lowes at Maple Road and Halsted in Walled Lake, MI. "You guys have cool rings! Why don't I have one! I've just got this clunky jetpack and helmet. It's not fashionable OR as powerful as your guys rings!"
"Calm down, Olivia" says Ken Perrira "The treasure troll doesn't have a ring either, and it's not complaining."
"Yeah" snickers black lantern Nick Houslander "You're just SLIGHTLY cooler than a one point common Treasure Troll. Clearly there's been some oversight in giving the fabulous OLIVIA MUNN a weapon like a power ring, what with your love of "nerd culture" that doesn't come off as forced or contrived AT ALL"
"You got a problem with me Houslander?" responds Munn "What's up, bitch? What's your problem with me???!!!"
"My problem? Dude, have you been following your career AT ALL??!!! You're a terrible actress, you were beyond obnoxious of 'Attack of the Show' and the fact that you posed for Playboy and didn't have any nude pictures at all is total horses**t! So, I guess to summarize my problem with you is that you suck, your entire "career" is a crock of bulls**t built on being slightly cute and being able to fake an interest in comics and games. You're no Adrienne Curry, sweet heart." unloads the black lantern "Now do me a favor. Go be useful for the first time in your miserable life, by doing some recon and tell us how many Midgets are in there and who they are."
As Olivia stands there, her jaw hanging open, seething with rage. Nick adds the final insult to his verbal barrage. He gently taps her on the bottom and says
"Chop-chop sweet cheeks, daddy has things to do" he smirks. The treasure troll and Ken Perrira just stand there, shocked beyond belief at was has just transpired
Olivia stomps into the store, and zooms into the air and beings scouring the area. A brief, orange flash catches her eye over by the plumbing aisle, so she lands and goes to investigate. She looks around, and doesn't see anyone. She hears a faint rattle behind her, so she grabs a lead pipe. Suddenly-Bowser bursts out at her. Olivia screams and swings the pipe, striking him in the gut. As Bowser doubles over clutching his gut, there's a clink and an orange power ring hits the floor. Munn dives for the ring and grabs it.
"Stupid nerd. Tells me I don't deserve a ring" thinks Munn "I'll show HIM!!" and she slides the ring on her finger.
"OLIVIA!!! NO!!!!!" screams Perrira as he and the rest of the Kennelz burst in and try to stop her. But it's too late. Bowser stands up and laughs
"Ha!!! She's MINE NOW!!!!" bellows the beast "I've got me the PRINCESS OF THE NERDS!! BOWSER WINS!!" he turns and looks at the newest member of the Midgets- Orange Lantern Olivia Munn
"Princess of the nerds my ass" growls Nick "If she knew anything about comics she'd have know that an orange ring is a trap. Didn't that dumb broad read the "Agent Orange" arc of Green Lantern??!!"
"Not the time, Nick. Not the time." says Ken as he takes to the air with the treasure troll. "We gotta save her!" he throws a bunch of knives at Bowser that have no effect on him.
"Olivia! He's trying to take your ring! STOP HIM!" bellows Bowser.
"NO! IT'S MMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" screams the starlet. who rushes her former co-host and plows into him. The force of the hit causes Ken to drop the Treasure Troll, who plummets to the ground and is caught by Bowser.
"Heh. A treasure troll. Too bad I already have this color. But I can fix that!" he stomps towards the paint department, taking the time to first throw a fireball at black lantern Nick Houslander, who tried to sneak up on the king of the koopas but with no avail. Bowser grabs a bucket of paint from the shelf. He easily pops the top off of the can with his dragon nails, dumps out some of the paint on the ground and plunges the troll into the remaining paint. He seals the can on the screaming troll, it's cries for help muffled inside the container. "Gotta make sure I mix it well." smirks Bowser as her puts the can into the paintmixer and turns it on. He stands there, grinning demonically as the sound of troll screams and sickening THUDS fill the area.
As the troll is being shaken to death, and while Nick burns, the two former "AoTS" hosts still battle in the air. The force field of the Legion ring protect Perrira from the bolts of orange that are being fired in his direction. Ken realizes that there's no way for him to reason with, or save his friend- he's going to have to kill her. He zips down to the lumber aisle, grabs a 2x4, turns and swings as he pays homage to "Hacksaw" Jum Duggan screaming "HHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" as the board passes through her head. Harmlessly.
"Nice try. 'Tough Guy' " smirks Munn who grabs Perrira by the arm and breaks it. Ken crumbles to his knees, screaming and crying. "Pathetic" sneers Munn who grabs the piece of lumber and begins viciously beating her one time friend with it. The force of her blows is so great, and repetitve, she grabs another piece and continues her assault. Perrira's skull becomes a red mush on the concrete, yet Munn continues grabbing boards and bashing on the fallen Kennelz member.
"Enough" commands Bowser who comes sauntering down the aisle with Treasure Troll 15's new casket. A dented and bloody paint can."We've got enough red here, my pet. Let's got get the ash of the other one and our collection of Kennelz Corpses will be complete."
"F**king asshole!" spits Munn "How dare he accuse me of not knowing nerd culture. Loser"
"Well he's dead n-" begins Bowser when suddenly a large piece of metal pipe explodes from his chest- killing him.
"NNNNOOOOOO!!!" screams Olvia Munn as she begins to fade "HE KILLED YOU!!!! I SAW YOU BURN. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY VICTORY!"
"You stupid bastard" says the perfectly fine black lantern Nick Houslander "How many times does it have to be said? YOU CAN ONLY KILL A BLACK LANTERN WITH A COMBINATION OF A GREEN RING AND ANOTHER ONE. GOD!!"
"Bbbbutt. But. I had a ring" she sobs "I had an orange riiiinnn..." she finishes as she fades out of existence.
"What a moron. Everyone knows that once you put on an orange ring, you die and basically are a puppet of whoever controls that main ring. It's like she's never read any of John's "Green Lantern" run or watched any of these fantasy matches." Nick says
"Princess of the nerds, my ass."
Saturday, July 21, 2012
FFL "Spoiler Sport"- Post Season Edition. Round Two.
Ladies and gentlemen, after six long weeks the issues between cable providers and our parent company have been resolved. We're once again on the air with "Spoiler Sport!" you look around the Fantasy Fantasy League. I'm Cotton McKnight! Let's see what we've missed!
If their match in the last week of the regular season was brutal, their play-off meeting took that word to new heights. "Pop Superstar" Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos are on their way to the Universe Bowl once again, barely overcoming the fury of George Washington's Slaves. The Slaves put up a heck of a fight, as only Katniss Everdeen walked out of the match alive. Both teams suffered major casualties, but perhaps the most devastating blow to not only the Slaves, but the entire FFL in general is the ninth and final death of FFL mainstay Yoda. Yoda took out an incredible 8 members of the Commandos in his final outing, including both of the Commandos versions of Superman. However, it was still not enough to stop the Commandos march toward the finals.
The Stan Lee Conference finals were just as brutal, as Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches found themselves doing what no other team has been able to do on the Play Off Planet this year, defeat Team Sleeping Pussy. The victory did come with a fairly heavy price, as both Doomsday and Stormtrooper #15 made their final FFL appearances. Team Sleeping Pussy also lost their fair share of heavy hitters as The Silver Surfer, Kang, Khan Noonan Singh, and Deathbird also met their final fates in this contest.
Now that we know how the march to the Universe Bowl went, let's see what happened in the Consolation Rounds, here's our Consolation corrospondant- Pepper Brooks. Pepper!
"...."
Pepper? You there Pepper? We're live and waiting to hear on what happened in the comsolation rounds!
"...Who cares. Teams won, teams lost. It's consolation. Who gives a f**k? He's dead. Kang died. My great Uncle Kang is never coming back. That sucks dude. Totally sucks."
Uh, Pepper we need you..Pepper! Pepper put that gun down. Pepper! PEPPER N-
If their match in the last week of the regular season was brutal, their play-off meeting took that word to new heights. "Pop Superstar" Hannah Montana and President Barack Obama's "Best of Both Worlds" Touring Battalion of Commandos are on their way to the Universe Bowl once again, barely overcoming the fury of George Washington's Slaves. The Slaves put up a heck of a fight, as only Katniss Everdeen walked out of the match alive. Both teams suffered major casualties, but perhaps the most devastating blow to not only the Slaves, but the entire FFL in general is the ninth and final death of FFL mainstay Yoda. Yoda took out an incredible 8 members of the Commandos in his final outing, including both of the Commandos versions of Superman. However, it was still not enough to stop the Commandos march toward the finals.
The Stan Lee Conference finals were just as brutal, as Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches found themselves doing what no other team has been able to do on the Play Off Planet this year, defeat Team Sleeping Pussy. The victory did come with a fairly heavy price, as both Doomsday and Stormtrooper #15 made their final FFL appearances. Team Sleeping Pussy also lost their fair share of heavy hitters as The Silver Surfer, Kang, Khan Noonan Singh, and Deathbird also met their final fates in this contest.
Now that we know how the march to the Universe Bowl went, let's see what happened in the Consolation Rounds, here's our Consolation corrospondant- Pepper Brooks. Pepper!
"...."
Pepper? You there Pepper? We're live and waiting to hear on what happened in the comsolation rounds!
"...Who cares. Teams won, teams lost. It's consolation. Who gives a f**k? He's dead. Kang died. My great Uncle Kang is never coming back. That sucks dude. Totally sucks."
Uh, Pepper we need you..Pepper! Pepper put that gun down. Pepper! PEPPER N-
Friday, July 20, 2012
Season 5, Week 3 Consolation Match: Horsemen of Apokolips vs. Logical Genocide
“Meeska! Mooska!
Mickey Mouse!”
I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 3 Consolation
Match located at the Home Depot located in Southfield Michigan. They are as follows:
M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E.
Horsemen of Apokolips: Spike Witwicky.
Logical Genocide: Mickey
Mouse Clubhouse Crew: Mickey Mouse with Legion flight ring, Minnie Mouse,
Donald Duck with red lantern ring, Daisy Duck, Goofy and Pluto, with special
guest appearance by Centerion #1 ("Hot Fudge" Harry McTwivent).
Let the battle begin. . .
Power Tools Aisle. .
.
The Clubhouse Crew stands side by
side as Spike Witwicky struts into the aisle. Witwicky holds a nail gun in each hand.
Spike Witwicky: What are a bunch of cartoons against a rugged
construction worker/oil driller like me?
Mickey: Well, Mr. Witwicky, you know what we say here
at the Clubhouse. . . Go f@ck yourself!
Witwicky is startled at the
language spewed from the red, shorted rodent.
He retaliates in action, not in words, as a stream of nails fly from his
two guns. A swarm of feathers bursts
from Daisy Duck as she is ripped apart by the barrage of projectiles.
Donald: You son of a b#tch! I’m going to gut you like a fish, you
bastard!!!
Witwicky fires his guns again and
the five remaining LG members manage to escape down the next aisle, unscathed.
Goofy: Gawrsh Mickey, looks like this guy is a tough
Sumbitch!
Mickey: That’s true.
We’re going to need some help. . . Oh Toodles!!!!
Toodles flies to the scene. On its’ face is a Legion flight ring and a red
lantern ring.
Mickey: Toodles. What do you think we’ll need for the
rest of the match since Mr. Witwicky is not
being so nice.
Toodles flashes fantastic lights
and the rings magically appear on their respective owners. Mickey looks down at his Legion flight ring
while Donald looks at his red lantern ring. Toodles flies away and the Crew
simultaneously smiles at one another as maniacal laughs echo throughout the
store.
Lumber Aisle. . .
Witwicky has moved from tools to
wood. He slowly moves down the aisle,
but fails to notice Centerion #1 above.
Centerion has a two by four in his arms and throws it down at
Witwicky. Just in time, Witwicky dodges
the piece.
Hot Fudge: I will bring you down Witwicky! I alone shall stand triumphant today!!!
Hot Fudge fails to notice that
the boards beneath him are beginning to falter.
He slips.
Hot Fudge: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Hot Fudge lands two feet down, on
the next board. Witwicky fires his nail
guns and Hot Fudge falters again.
Hot Fudge:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Hot Fudge lands another two feet
down, on the next board.
Witwicky: You gotta be kidding me!
Hot Fudge decides that his
position is too precarious and decides to jump on Witwicky. Hot Fudge bellows a melodramatic war cry as
he leaps at the rigger. Witwicky
instinctively reacts and pulls a wooden stake from the “cut wood” box located
next to him. The construction worker
holds it up and impales McTwivent. HFM
slides down the pole, unsexily, his body leaving streaks of blood. Witwicky smiles and rushes off.
Plumbing Aisle. . .
Minnie: Get down from there Goofy!
Goofy: Gawrsh.
When a Goofy’s gotta go, he’s gotta go!
Goofy steps down from the toilet
display, leaving a gift unflushed (since it is not hooked up to any true
plumbing) in the bowl.
Minnie (whispers underneath her
breath): He’s so frickin’ goofy!
Goofy saunters down the aisle and
a loud crunch is heard. The crew looks
to where Goofy once stood. His skull is
crushed in by a pipe held by Witwicky.
Goofy’s tongue wags from his mouth and a puddle of urine is released
from his dead body. Witwicky runs away
before Donald’s red projectile crashes into the piping around him.
Mickey: Hehehe.
Time to die Witwicky. Time to
die.
Pluto uses his innate canine
tracking skills to follow Witwicky’s scent.
Hardware Aisle. . .
Pluto’s nose inches around the
aisle when the dog screams. The canine
looks down to see his nose sliced off.
Witwicky has a band saw blade in his hand. The other blade lies on the floor next to
Pluto’s snout. Minnie crouches by the
dog and Witwicky takes advantage of the distraction. The driller throws the blade like a discus
and Minnie’s head is cleaved in half.
Mickey: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Mickey takes to the air with his
Legion flight ring and follows Witwicky.
Donald soon joins him and the duo eventually box Witwicky in. Mickey flies at Witwicky and knocks him
down. Donald batters the man with his
red lantern ring.
Mickey: You’re going to die now motherf@cker! But not before Donald and I have some fun
with you!!!
Donald: Damn straight!!!
Mickey grabs Witwicky’s shirt and
flies him up to a couple of hooks.
Donald then uses his ring to hold him in place as Mickey picks up a
hammer and stakes, which happen to be lying on the ground nearby. Mickey stakes Witwicky’s hands in place.
Witwicky screams.
Mickey: Friend, you may do the honors.
Donald flies away and returns
with a bloodied band saw blade. He then holds it in place with his ring and
slices into Witwicky’s neck, decapitating the man. Donald then scoops out some of the brain and
detritus inside. Mickey unravels a rope
and lassos it around Witwicky’s head.
Pluto scampers on by and takes a pee on his face and poop in his
skull. Mickey hangs Witwicky’s head from
a string, lodged in the construction worker’s rectum.
Mickey: Guys, this isn’t just Home Depot! Oh Toodles!
Toodles joins the remaining
Clubhouse characters. The theme song
plays from Toodles as the three dances together.
It’s the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
Come inside. It’s fun inside!M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E.
Mickey Mouse: And now all you a$$holes see what happens to
you if you f#ck with us!!! Look forward
to seeing you all real soon!
Rookie of the Year: The Phoenix Force
By far, the most destructive addition to the Fantasy Fantasy League this year.
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets team owner, Josh Houslander, had the forsight to use his coveted off-list pick to bring in the cosmic entity known as the Phoenix Force.
In its first outing, the Phoenix Force single handedly took on SIX of Commandos heaviest hitters. Though falling in that battle, the Phoenix Force most certainly put the rest of the league on notice. Every other team that encountered this cosmic juggernaut had to follow suit and throw everything thing they could at it. Some were able to stop it, but equally as many could not.
This is one combatant that will continue to make waves well into next season. And possibly further.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
