The Untouchables vs. Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

THE FOLLOWING MATCH IS FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

PREVIOUSLY IN THE FFL. . .

UNTOUCHABLES - SHE-HULK

She-Hulk: I still cannot believe that I was traded by the Horsemen!

Stampa: Don’t complain! Now you’re on a real team. . . with real women!

Granny Goodness: That’s right my dear. I have trained you all well.

KENNELZ – AHSOKA TANO

Tano: I will make you proud today, Master.

Anakin Skywalker: You always make me proud, Snips. Just make sure you keep your head in the match. [Foreshadowing].

UNTOUCHABLES – MATT OBLAK

Matt Oblak: We get a tank, honey. No one is going to stop us today. Not even Bauer!

Teresa Oblak: He gets too much credit. He definitely isn’t man enough to face up to the red headed fury – Horatio Caine. Where is he anyway?

Paula Dean: Not sure. Something about going onto the field early to investigate a death before the match even started.

Teresa Oblak: Who?

KENNELZ – AJAX

Ajax: I’m looking forward to destroying some Freman!

Barbarossa: I’m with you on that one!

Hrrm: Me too!

UNTOUCHABLES – HORATIO CAINE

Horatio Caine slowly walks upon a scene of a dead Madam Razz with her broom and feet jutting from the sand. Horatio, turns sideways and slowly takes his sunglasses off.

Caine: Sergeant, what do we have here?

Sgt. Todd: Razz. Dead.

Caine: I see that Sergeant. What do you think happened?

Todd: Looks like she put up a valiant fight, but fell short.

Caine [puts his sunglasses on]: Well Sergeant. It looks like Razz. . . got jazzed.

I PROVIDE LOUDSPEAKERS OF THE WHO’S “WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN.” The combatants look to the sky. SORRY. . . .

The combatants are:

The Untouchables. The Untouchables are Horatio Caine, Sinestro (with original green lantern ring), Deadpool and Paula Dean in a tank, Onslaught, Fremen #43-54, Granny Goodness, The Female Furies: Gilotina, Stampa, Bernadeth and Mad Harriet, Malificent, Merlin, She-Hulk, Duncan Idaho Ghola #9, The Constructicons, The Protectobots, Streetwise, Brawl (movie), She-Ra with Swift Wind, Pikachu, Madam Razz with Broom, Sgt. Todd (from “Soldier”) and Matt and Teresa Oblak in a Landspeeder.

Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve. The Kennelz are Fremen #1-30, Barbarossa (cymek), Ajax (cymek), Hrrm, Scorponok and Lord Zarock (head), Scorponok (movie), Anakin Skywalker in an F-18 Raptor, Ahsoka Tano, Green Lanterns #1, 2, 4 and 5, Jack Bauer, Justin Oblak in a tank and Treasure Troll #25.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 4:00 P.M. AND 5:00 P.M.

4:00:00, 4:00:01, 4:00:02. . .

Matt and Teresa Oblak are riding in their Landspeeder over the battlefield. As the couple comes over the dune, they are faced with Justin Oblak in a tank (and Jack Bauer along for the ride).

Bauer: Just like Bonnie and Clyde, Oblak. Take them out.

Justin: I’m thinking more Thelma and Louise. [Bauer gives Justin a mean stare].

Bauer: Doesn’t matter; it ends for them. . . now.

The tank fires and strikes the Landspeeder. The speeder crashes and Matt and Teresa are thrown from the vehicle. Bauer and Justin quickly jump out of the tank and head for the two injured Untouchables.

Bauer: Where is the rest of your team?

Teresa: Not really sure what you’re talking about. We are just a happy couple out for a quick bite and watching the sandworms.

Bauer: Don’t play games! [Bauer points the gun at Matt’s head]. Where are your teammates!?!

Teresa: Please! I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Justin: Come on Jack, give them a break. Remember, this is supposed to be a kinder and friendlier Vick team – I mean after that whole dog thinggie.

Bauer: If you don’t have the stomach for this, leave! Now!!!!

Justin: Okay, Jack. Okay. Do what you have to.

Bauer: I’m only going to give you one more chance. Where is the rest of your team?

Teresa [a tear shedding]: I. . . .don’t. . . know.

Bauer pulls the trigger and kills Matt.

Teresa: NO!!!!!

Bauer: One more chance, or the next bullet is for you!

Teresa: Go to Hell you sonofab#@ch! You’ll get yours!

Bauer (shoots Teresa): They were trained well. Neither of them were going to give us any info. Let’s go!

Bauer and Oblak rush back to their tank.

4:03:05, 4:03:06, 4:03:07. . .

Treasure Troll #25 and Pikachu are in a tremendous fight. Although the Treasure Troll manages to punch Pikachu a few times, his hair always manages to flop into his face. The last “hair flop” allows Pikachu to use a lightning blast against Treasure Troll #25. The Trolls hair catches on fire. Troll #25 begins to roll in the sand, hoping to quash the flames. Pikachu uses this to his advantage and with another lightning bolt, kills Troll #25.

The tanks storm the sandy wastelands. Justin Oblak (and Jack Bauer) in their tank face off against Deadpool and Paula Dean. The tanks fire upon one another repeatedly. Each tank suffers a ton of damage. Each team is determined to stay in the tank as long as they can and hopefully take out the other side before they have to evacuate their vehicle. Bauer and Oblak’s tank catches on fire.

Bauer: Get out!

Oblak: I’m not leaving without you!

Bauer: I have this handled! Get out!

Oblak looks back at Bauer with a look of “bromance.” Just as Oblak raises his head above the tank’s latch, it is blown off by the keen marksmanship of Horatio Caine, who is riding bareback behind She-Ra on Swiftwind next to the tank.

Bauer: Oblak!!!!

Bauer’s tank fills up with the enough smoke and pieces of Oblak’s brains that Bauer knows he must abandon the vehicle. Before he leaves the tank, Bauer manages to fire one final time; that is all he needs. The other tank implodes at the concussion of the blast. Deadpool manages to escape the vehicle with the help of Green Lantern #2’s ring, but Paula Dean becomes a tub of stew (and not the yummy kind that she is known for). Brawl (in tank mode) then fires a death blow to Bauer’s tank. Bauer barely manages to escape. The implosion and explosion of the tanks throw pieces across the sky and sand, striking Swifwind as the horse rides off with Caine and She-Ra.

Swiftwind, carrying her riders to safety, comes to a halt and lies down, mortally wounded. Caine and She-Ra compassionately get off the steed. She-Ra kneels before her friend.

She-Ra: My friend, Swiftwind. Your death will be avenged.

Caine [standing to the side with his glasses off now, looking down at the horse]: She-Ra, you have my word. We will take Bauer down. I have a special gift for him. And you know the saying, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. [Horatio puts his sunglasses on]

4:15:12, 4:15:13, 4:15:14. . .

Freman #1-30 of the Kennelz meet Fremen #43-54 of the Untouchables. The two dune warrior teams crash into one another. After the dust clears from the battling, Kennelz Freman #1-7 are dead. Likewise, Untouchables’ Freman # 45-50 are also dead. Barbarossa, Hrrm and Ajax come upon the scene. Barbarossa’s and Ajax’s cymek ferocity, Hrrm’s brute strength and the repeated attacks of the remaining Kennelz Freman manage to decimate the final ranks of the Untouchables Freman # 43, 44 and 51-54.

Kennelz Freman #8-30 follow the Barbarossa, Hrrm and Ajax into battle. The Dune-dwellers rush to meet the next wave of Untouchables. They are met by Duncan Idaho Ghola #9. Idaho stands before The Constructicons, The Protectobots, Streetwise, and Brawl (movies). The combatants focus on one another, looking for a weakness to take advantage of. The battlefield teams hear an aerial object streaking their way. It turns out to be Anakin Skywalker in an F-18 Raptor. Skywalker’s enhanced Jedi skills manage to target Streetwise in the precise location to destroy the Transformer. Steetwise explodes at the hands of Skywalker’s missiles. The other Protectobots, in robot mode, see their comrade destroyed. Thus, Hot Spot, Blades, Groove and First Aid all focus their weapons on the Jedi. Likewise, the Constructicons all combine together to form Devastator. Although the Jedi manages to use his force abilities to avoid a majority of the weapons fired at him, with the addition of Devastator, it is too much. Skywalker ejects before the plane explodes and crashes into a hundred pieces into the sand below. As he reaches the ground, he is met by Ahsoka Tano. They both ignite their lightsabers and join the rest of their team.

The Jedi work together and manage to actually damage Devastator. Devastator comes apart and forms the original vehicle mode Constructicons, being Bonecrusher, Scavanger, Scrappy, Hook, Long Haul and MixMaster. Although the sand effects the vehicles treads the Constructicons still manage to run over and kill Freman #20-30.

Constructicons (in unison): Can we kill them? Yes we can!!!! [SHOUT OUT TO “BOB THE BUILDER”!]

4:28:45, 4:28:46, 4:28:47. . .

Granny Goodness stands with her Female Furies, looking over the sandy landscape.

Goodness: I have trained you all well. Rise up and defeat those Kennelz scum! Kill them all!

The Female Furies rush to the battlefield. Gilotina, Stampa, Bernadeth and Mad Harriet each use their special powers to destroy the remaining Freman #8-19. Gilotina’s hands slice through Freman #8-11; Bernadeth’s fahren knife dispatches Freman #12-15; and Harriet’s energy claws kill Freman #16-19. Stompa creates earthquakes by stomping her boots on the sand. The aftershocks cause an immense sand slide which pulls Scrappy and MixMaster under the sand and to their deaths.

Tano and Skywalker enter the fray. They focus on the Furies and Granny Goodness. Stompa stomps the ground. Although the Jedi are off balance, it is only for a few seconds. Skywalker manages to continually force-leap over the ground’s quaking and strikes Stompa down. Gilotina and Harriet gang up on Tano. Harriet’s claws manage to slash Tano across her chest. As Tano hunches over Gilotina chops her head off. Skywalker sees this and losing his senses. Enraged and filled with emotion, Skywalker rushes at the Furies. Skywalker repeatedly deflects Granny’s powers and comes upon the Furies. Relentlessly, Skywalker slashes at the women. He eventually kills Gilotina, Harriet and Bernadeth. Granny Goodness uses her Apokoliptian powers to strike at Anakin again. The powers force Anakin on the ground and eventually Anakin is killed by Granny. Just as Granny is about to leave the area, Scorponok and Zarek rush from behind and kills Goodness.

Deadpool and Sgt. Todd rush at Anakin, firing at him with their weapons. The warriors know that since Anakin has been wounded by Granny he would be easier prey to deal with. It turns out their guns are not enough. Anakin force pushes both men down on the ground. Scorponok and Zarek, still lurking near the Jedi, rushes at the men and kills them.

Jack Bauer comes upon Pikachu.

Bauer: Where is Caine?

Pikachu garbles intelligible drivel. Bauer grabs the small Pokemon around the neck.

Bauer: Don’t fight it. Don’t fight it and it’ll be easier on you.

Bauer strangles Pikachu. He then looks to the sky.

4:36:10, 4:36:11, 4:36:12. . .

In the air, Sinestro battles his equals; Green Lanterns #1, 2, 4 and 5. Sinestro, being a stronger and more adept individual, manages to kill Green Lanterns #1 and 4. Green Lanterns #2 and 5 manage to deflect Sinestro’s rings blasts back at him. Sinestro is struck and falls to the ground. As he lands on the sand below, he is protected by Malificent and Merlin. The Lanterns come upon the magic wielders. Although the magic wielders seem more frail, they dupe the Lanterns closer. Malificent transforms into a dragon and kills Lantern # 2. Merlin then casts a spell of madness upon Lantern #5. Lantern #5 kills himself with his own ring. As Malificent (now in human-form) and Merlin turn to enter the main fray the ground beneath them swells. Scorponok (movie), likes its other incarnation, rises from the ground and takes the magic wielders in its pincers and rips them apart. It locates a wounded Sinestro on the ground and takes advantage of this situation. It kills Sinestro without a thought.

The remaining Constructicons, Protectobots and Brawl face off against the Scorponoks. Protectobots: Hot Spot, Blades, Groove and First Aid with Transformers: Bonecrusher, Scavanger, Hook, and Long Haul fight against the Scorponoks. A furious battle erupts between the Transformers. They switch from robot to vehicle mode, utilizing their strengths in each form. The Scorponoks manage to destroy Hot Spot, Groove, First Aid, Scavanger, Hook and Long Haul.

Barbarossa, Ajax and Hrrm face off against She-Ra, She-Hulk and Duncan Idaho Ghola #9. She-Ra uses her magical sword and impales Hrrm. Bloodthirsty and psychotic Ajax is not affected by She-Ra’s sword’s blows. He manages to reach She-Ra’s neck with his arms and strangles her to death. She-Hulk and Barbarossa are in a match of brute strength. She-Hulk does get the upper hand and smashes Barbarossa. Ajax, seeing his other bested by the She-Hulk, focuses all of his cymek power in a battle of wills and tenacity against She-Hulk. The cyborg is eventually too much and kills She-Hulk. Ajax then dispatches Idaho.

4:51:02, 4:51:03, 4:51:04. . .

Onslaught: ENOUGH!!!!

Onslaught finally comes to the battle. He sees Ajax and crushes the cyborg with his magnetism powers. He then focuses on both Scorponoks. He uses his abilities to raise the Scorponoks in the air together and then smashes and twists them together into a pretzel form. Both Scorponoks (along with Zarock) are destroyed.

Brawl turns to see Jack Bauer behind the destroyed and pretzeled Scorponoks. Brawl fires and flushes Bauer out. Onslaught then gets ahold of Bauer and makes him come to his team simply by using his mind.

Bauer: You may have this hour, but in the end the Kennelz will win the day!

Horatio Caine comes upon the scene.

Caine (with sunglasses off and facing sideways): That may be true Mr. Bauer. [Caine puts his glasses on]. But day won’t be for a long time, now will it?

Caine walks away in slow-mo as Onslaught crushes Bauer with his bare hands.

4:59:58, 4:59:59, 5:00:00. . .

The Untouchables: Onslaught, Horatio Caine, Brawl (movie), Blades and Bonecrusher survive.

Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve: All dead.

THE UNTOUCHABLE ARE VICTORIOUS!!!