Week 1 Consolation Match: Alice's Wonder Team vs. The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets

The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets is Alexander the Great on Buchephalus and Gwildor.

Alice’s Wonder Team is Goblin #2-5.

Goblin’s #2-5 walk into the bar and are instantly met by looks of disgust by everyone in the restaurant.

“I really hate that everyone is so racist against us. I don’t understand why they say there is equal rights in this country when anytime we go anywhere, we are met with such hatred and bigotry.” Goblin #5 says to his fellow comrades.

“Well it could be the fact that we look like the inside of a cow’s a*#hole.” Goblin #4 says.

“Or it could be the fact that we will literally eat anything we want. You know, kind of like this”. Goblin #3 then takes his spear and stabs an unsuspecting patron in the back of their head and begins to chew on the flesh that has comes out of it. The bar naturally becomes complete chaos as everyone in the bar evacuates as quickly as possible.

“Now why would you do that? Just feeding the stereotype so everyone will continue to hate us.” Goblin #5 says to Goblin #3.

“Would you all please shut up, we need to win this match.” Goblin #2 sternly says to his teammates. “We’ve had a hard enough season without the three of you bickering back and fourth.”

“Well I’m sorry that I feel so strongly about the equality of the races. Maybe next time I’ll ask to be played with someone more on par with my ideals.”

“That’s it #5, I’ve had enough of your…” Goblin #3 is then interrupted by some very loud noises and the sudden appearance of a small dwarf and Colin Farrell on a horse.

“Well boys, looks like Colin’s gonna meet his doom tonight.” Goblin #4 says to his teammates.

“That’s not Colin Farrell you fools, that’s..”

“Alexander The Great if you were wondering. Now lay down your weapons and just let me kill you now. It will be a much more honorable way to die.”

“That’s what I was about to say, excuse you for interrupting” Goblin #5 says this and is instantly stabbed through the back by Goblin #4. #5 drops to the ground, dead on contact.

“That ought to shut him up for a while, now let’s go kick us some Macedonian butt”.

“Did somebody say something about a butt?” Alexander says as Gwildor looks back at him with a look of disgust.

“Concentrate Alexander, we must concentrate on winning this match.” Gwildor says.

“Fine my little friend, we shall dispatch of these foul enemies at once.” Alexander then takes his horse Buchephalus outside of the bar, leaving Gwildor alone with the remaining Goblin’s. The Goblin’s quickly surround the small fighter but before they can even understand what is going on, they are transported outside of the bar with Alexander. Gwildor had used the cosmic key to move his opponents outside of the bar to give them the advantage. You see, the ceilings in the bar were far to small to hold Alexander and Buchephalus, therefore taking away any benefit he may have had riding the mighty steed.

“Where the hell are we?” Goblin #4 says to his teammates.

“Were outside of the bar.” # 3 says to #4.

“Well, how the hell did we get here?” #4 says to #3.

“I don’t know, I guess with magic.” #3 says to #4.

“They played a wizard in a small point week, that’s bulls$%^” #4 says to #3.

“I agree, now let’s shut up and try not to die” As #3 says this he is stabbed through the back of the neck by Alexander’s sword.

“Easier said then done.” Goblin #4 says to Goblin #2.

“Shut up and fight you fool. Maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation if you hadn’t killed #5.” Goblin #2 says to #4.

“Oh like he was going to help us fight, I heard he is starting his very own anti-war campaign for the Fantasy Fantasy league. Could you imagine that, matches with nothing but people talking about useless things and no fighting whatsoever?”

“Yeah, I can’t imagine what that would be like” Goblin #2 says this and looks directly at me, as if he knows I’m watching.

Gwildor and Alexander are just standing there looking at each other.

“Alexander sir, I had no idea Goblin’s were this talkative. It’s no wonder they lost the battle of middle earth, they act like a bunch of teenage girls.” Gwildor says to the towering Alexander.

“Yes my wee little friend, it is a wonder they won a single battle. Now Gwildor, make your magic light stick make some noise so we can finish this pointless battle off once and for all.”

“Yes sir” As Gwildor says this, he makes the cosmic key play music very loud, which once again distracts his opponents. This time Goblin #2 is not fooled though, as he takes he spear and throws it directly through Gwildor’s cosmic key, destroying it completely. Gwildor then looks up at Alexander as if he doesn’t know what to do next. Before he can even ask the question though, he is run through with the spear of Goblin #4, killing him instantly.

“You shall pay for that my ugly foe, prepare to meet your maker.” Alexander says to Goblin #4.

“Are you sure that is Alexander the Great, because it sounds a lot like Cary Elwes in the Princess Bride.” Goblin #4 says to #2 right before he is decapitated by that crazy Macedonian on the horse. Alexander then charges towards Goblin #2 but is unable to get near him as he has made a mad dash back into the bar. Goblin #2 knows that his best bet is running in the bar where Alexander will most likely not go.

“Get off of that horse Alexander and fight me like a man.” Goblin #2 says tauntingly to Alexander.

“Why should I fight you like a man when you are nothing but a disgrace to nature.” Alexander proclaims to Goblin #2, knowing that his insult with not fall on deaf ears.

“That’s it you arrogant sack of s#*%, prepare to eat spear B*$%#.” Goblin #2 then rushes out of the bar and is met by an unmounted Buchephalus. “What the hell?” Goblin #2 then looks down and realizes that he has a sword sticking out of his stomach. Alexander, who is naturally standing behind the Goblin then pulls his sword out of his back and kick’s him to the ground.

“I told you to surrender fair Goblin. Now your death shall be a long and arduous one.”

“Fair Goblin, Long and Arduous, give me a break Westley.” Goblin #2 says to the man who is about to end his life. “Please, just kill me now before I have to do it myself.”

“Not a problem”, Alexander then finishes the Goblin off with a quick kick to the head, smashing his ugly skull down onto his now dead brain.

The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets is Victorious!