Season 6 Week 1 – Team Sleeping Pussy vs. Dope Fiends

Team SP is: Dark Beast, Blockbuster, Hanover Fiste, Johnny Bates (adult "Kid Marvelman"), Skrull #23, Skrull #24, Shi'ar Warrior #1, Gladiator #1, Biff Tannen, Bill the Butcher, Sam Malone, Head Coach: Ron Meyer

The Dope Fiends are: Desmond Howard, Frank the Tank w/Tron Suit (9 deaths), Ron Burgundy w/Quinlan Vos' Lightsaber, Brian Fantana w/Magnoguard Electrostaff, Brick Tambland w/Trident,
Champ Kind w/Battle Axe, Daken, Dr. Voodoo, Frost Giant #4, Frost Giant #5, Frost Giant #6, Head Coach: Ulyssess S Grant

Pre-Game

“I think I'm gonna get two-- No! Three interceptions today” boasts Desmond Howard to his teammates. “I can't wait to get some action again. I haven't had a start in nearly three years and today we get to actually play football. I might actually make it to the end of a match instead of catching a stray bullet or getting crushed inside a falling building or something.”

“I wouldn't get your hopes up, Dez” says Champ. “The watchers always figure out a way to screw us over.”

The teleportation is complete and the players find themselves in similar surroundings going from their locker room to the visitor's locker room at the stadium. Ulyssess walks in, his head wrapped in a cloud of cigar smoke. “Alright, Boys. I just got details from the watcher on today's match. We are up against Team SP so prepare yourself for who you might face out there.” He takes a long drag on his cigar just as the phone in the locker room rings. He picks it up without speaking and after a few seconds, hangs it up. After exhaling a few smoke rings looks at the team and informs them that it is time to head toward the field.

“Remember, just win the game. Death count doesn't matter today. Frost Giants, you three are on Defense and Daken, I want you in net. Everyone else, play where you want.” Says Grant.

“WAIT!” screams Howard. “Daken is in... NET?”

Grant smiles at him and says, “So much for the interceptions today, Desmond. You cant use your hands in Wembley.”

Both teams run out of their locker rooms onto the pitch and see that just 3 people are in the stands. One has an easel setup and is thrilled to be capturing the spirit of the season opener this year as a spectator. Another man has a sock wrapped around his head, keeping his thick mane out of his eyes and is wearing a Spice Girls concert tee. He is trying to text (surely at astronomical international rates from London) while drinking a Redbridge and eating a large blue ball of cotton candy. The third man is irate at a poor young woman who is just trying to get his food order correct. As she storms off, tears soaking her face, he turns to the second man and vows to cut her head off when she returns.

“Who are those guys?” asks Sam Malone to head coach Ron Meyer.

“Ex-watchers,” Ron explains. “The league has a bunch of new watchers this year so I guess these guys are just hanging out to see how our guy does.”

First Half

The whistle sounds and Brick Tambland takes possession of the ball first, using his trident to block the sword of Gladiator #1. Brick kicks it out to Champ Kind, who then goes across the field to catch a streaking Brian Fantana who is keeping anyone who challenges him at bay with his electrostaff. He arcs a long pass to Ron Burgundy whose header shot goes wide left.

“Strong work news team. Don't worry about that, we have plenty of time.” He says, obviously disappointed in his miss.

Blockbuster is in net for Team SP and heaves the ball back into play over the heads of every player. Daken instinctively reacts in net and the ball explodes as he skewers it with his claws. A new ball is presented and Daken kicks it back into play where it is immediately stolen by Biff Tannen. Sam Malone has his back and as Frost Giant #3 picks up Biff, Sam doesn't miss a beat and moves the ball back toward the net. Dr Voodoo throws down a thick wall of smoke to shield Sam's shot and it must work because he hesitates for just a second before shooting the ball blindly at the net. Daken easily blocks the ball this time, again with his claws, and another new one has to be used.

The same boring crap happens for the remainder of the first half. And after 45 minutes (and a couple dozen destroyed balls), the teams regroup for halftime with the score still nill – nill.

Halftime

“I don't understand it.” Bill the Butcher says to the rest of Team SP. “The net is the size of a boxcar and no one has scored.”

“I know, how is this game even popular around the world?” asks Shi'ar Warrior #1.

“It is a great game, but you guys have no idea what you are doing out there!” Yells Ron Meyer. “I have been living the last year of my life in Africa so I think I have a pretty good idea of what we are doing wrong just from watching the kids in the village play.”

He begins to scribble some plays on a piece of paper and explains to the team some of the basic rules rules (such as offsides and when a corner kick is granted). He then explains how he wants to use the more aggressive 4-3-3 offense and try to take advantage of The Dope Fiends lack of organization.

Second Half

It appears, however, that The Dope Fiends did work on a strategy at halftime. As the whistle sounds, the 3 frost Giants charge in and scoop up Biff, Sam, and Bill the Butcher. They begin to tear the Team SP members in half, raining their blood and entrails on the field. Dark Beast instantly reacts and sinks his claws into the neck of Frost Giant #4 and lifts his head off. He then proceeds to fight Frost Giant #6, who proves to be much more of a challenge than his counterpart, but the end result is the same. Hanover Fiste becomes enraged and grows to huge proportions. He picks up Champ Kind and throws him into the stands, breaking his neck as it gets wedged into a seat. Frank the Tank takes the head off of Gladiator #1 with his identity disc and Skrull #23 and Shi'ai Warrior #1 easily dispose of Desmond Howard without anyone noticing. As they dump his lifeless body into the stands, Shi'ai Warrior nods to Skrull #23 who instantly takes the form of their recently deceased opponent and the two walk back to opposite sides of the field.

“This has escalated quickly! Things are really getting out of hand fast!” Says Burgundy.

The referrees are blowing their whistles and they have run out of red cards. The players settle down and are ordered back to their benches while they figure out the mess. It is decided to end the game in the most logical way – the shootout. Everyone admits that it was probably going to be the outcome anyway. The coaches have to choose 3 players from their teams that are still alive and also were not ejected because of murder. Grant selects Dr. Voodoo, Ron Burgundy, and (who he believes to be) Desmond Howard. Ron Meyer selects Johnny Bates, Shi'ai Warrior #1, and Skrull #24 who takes the form of David Beckham.

Kid Marvelman shoots first and uses telepathy to tell Daken that he is going to shoot left when in fact he shoots right. He scores easily and Team SP is up 1-0.

Dr. Voodoo is up next and using the same technique that blinded Sam Malone earlier, sets up a wall of smoke which Blockbuster cannot see through and as he leans to see around the cloud, Dr. Voodoo simply taps the ball in on his blind side. Score 1-1.

Shi'ai Warrior #1 is up second and he practically steps on the ball when he goes to shoot it nearly toppling over. Since the ball was struck, it counted as a shot and the score remains tied.

Ron Burgundy is next and without hesitation, he throws his lightsaber at Blockbuster who needs to dive out of the way. As with all saves in soccer, Blockbuster guesses correctly with his dive and easily blocks the ball. Score. Is. Still. Tied.

With Skrull #24 in the form of David Beckham, naturally his ball bending skills are superior to the amateur goalkeeping of the son of Wolverine. Daken dives too early and the ball drops in just under the crossbar making the score 2-1 in favor of Team SP.

Desmond Howard is the last hope for The Dope Fiends. As Desmond purposefully blasts the shot wide of the net, the game ends and the Dope Fiends are furious with him. When he retakes his natural form and changes back into Skrull #23, Grant takes the trident from Brick and heaves it into his chest.

As Grant and the rest of the Dope Fiends look to the 3 former watchers in protest, their objections are met with shrugs and laughter. Two of them give thumbs up while the third tries to figure out how he managed to spill cotton candy on his shirt. Dejected, they walk off the field while Team SP jogs off victorious.