The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets Vs. George Washingtons's Slaves

Brotherhood of Evil Midgets (Bowser w/ orange lantern ring, Hermes/Mercury, Wonder Man, Mike Troop, Scrimmell, He-Man, Zombie Thing, Dean Cain, Glom, Cliff Claven, Norm Peterson)

Vs.

George Washington’s Slaves (Black Lantern Superman, Runner, Gollum, Black Lantern Harry Potter, Black Lantern Han Solo, Yoshii, Tony the Tiger, Crocodile Dundee, Air Bud, AC Slater w/ Laser Gun and Iron Man suit, Buttchunk, head coach George Washington)

TRAGEDY STRIKES THE BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MIDGETS AND GEORGE WASHINGTON’S SLAVES PRIOR TO FFL KICKOFF

By: Pedro Gonzalez of Page Zero Sports

BAYSIDE, CA – The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets and George Washington’s Slaves kicked off the 6th year of the FFL season but not without a series of serious tragedies that engulfed both teams.

Friday night the Midgets were first stricken with disaster when their team charter bus was involved in a horrific crash on its way to Logan International Airport from the team’s pep rally at the Cheers bar in Boston. Longtime Midget Cliff Claven was believed to have been at the wheel where toxicology reports indicated he was nearly three times the legal limit to drive in the state of Massachusetts. Eyewitnesses also have said Claven’s friend and fellow Midget Norm Peterson was playing eyesies closies with Claven while at the wheel which also could have attributed to the crash. Toxicology reports also revealed Peterson to be nearly three times the legal limit as well. As a result of the crash Claven, Peterson and Glom were pronounced dead on the scene. Dean Cain was later pronounced dead at a Boston area hospital while Wonder Man and He-Man were both in critical condition but expected to make a full recovery.

Meanwhile late Saturday morning as the Slaves were conducting their own pep rally at The Max (a local Bayside hangout), several were killed when Slaves QB A.C. Slater led a charge out of the restaurant. As a result Buttchunk, Crocodile Dundee, Black Lantern Harry Potter and Gollum were killed when they were trampled to death in the stampede. Head coach George Washington and Yoshii were hospitalized where they remained in critical condition but expected to fully recover.

The Max owner Ed “Max” Alonzo was not available for comment and hasn’t been seen since the incident took place. Page Zero Sports was able to get a hold of city records that indicated Alonzo was cited for unsafe conditions the restaurants that included just one exit/entrance at the front of the building.

Aside from the incidents that took place prior to the game, sponsors were disappointed as the game itself received record low ratings in viewership. An estimated 10 people tuned into the event which was called by ESPN’s Pam Ward and Matt Millen. During the course of the game Ward often confused the two teams playing referring to the Midgets as Beckerman’s Backyardigans and George Washington’s Slaves as Built Ford Tough.

Ward had to corrected on numerous occasions by her broadcast partner Millen who in a way was almost equally as bad.

The former Lions team president and GM made very questionable evaluations during the match something the Lions fans were all to use to after the years he spent running that organization into the ground.

As for the game itself the oddities continued at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena.

During the opening kickoff the football was actually incinerated by Midgets return man Bowser. Luckily the FFL had plenty of available balls on hand after what happened earlier on between Griswold’s Nut Busters and Michael Vicks Bad News Kennelz.

Bowser though was flagged for a delay of game and eventually tossed after setting the referee on fire then breaking him in half.

Zombie Swamp Thing was also lost by the Midgets after being spit in two by Black Lantern Superman and Black Lantern Han Solo while meandering to the corner of the end zone trying to receive a pass from Midget quarterback Scrimmell.

All was not lost though for the Midgets during that drive as Mike Troop was able to put his team ahead 3-0 heading into halftime.

Coming out of the half the Slaves announced that they would be without Black Lantern Superman and Black Lantern Han Solo for the remainder of the game. Initially there was no word as to why the two Black Lanterns did not play the second half but we later learned they refused to go back out there with “those two p*ssies” referring to A.C. Slater and Air Bud.

With the loss of Black Lantern Superman and Black Lantern Han Solo the Midgets took advantage in the third quarter.

Scrimmell connected with Hermes for a 33-yard touchdown on the Midgets’ opening drive in the second half jumping out to a 10-0 lead. And after getting the Slaves to go three and out on the ensuing possession Troop was able to hit a 49-yard field goal after a muffed punt by A.C. Slater.

The Slaves though were able to get themselves on the board after a fake field goal resulted in a 40-yard touchdown run by Air Bud to make it 13-7 Midgets entering the final quarter.

Between quarters a visibly upset Mike Troop could be seen yelling at his head coach Kurt Houslander saying “it looks like I’m going to have to win this damn thing by myself!” something that we’ve seen muttered by the veteran on the softball field in the past.

On the other sideline pulling out all the stops A.C. Slater equipped himself with the Iron Man suit, laser gun and applied some Zit-Off, which turned his face maroon. Slater was obviously trying to scare the Midgets with his maroon face a strategy that worked years ago against Valley when he was playing for the Bayside High School Tigers.

As the final quarter started a still visibly upset Mike Troop continued to try and take matters into his own hands. This included lining up in the wrong formation similar to what Titus Young did with the Lions during the 2012 season. As a result head coach Kurt Houslander was forced to bench Troop for the remainder of the game.

With time ticking away in the fourth both teams had their defenses step up as neither offense was able to move the ball past the 50-yard line. This was until the final minute when A.C. Slater used the jet propulsion of the Iron Man suit to drive the ball down to the one-yard line setting up a first and one with 45 seconds remaining in the game.

Needing a touchdown to tie the game Slater ran the option on the ensuring play pitching back to Air Bud. On the attempt though Slater missed Air Bud on the pitch causing a fumble that was recovered by Hermes with 37 seconds left.

Still with all three timeouts remaining the Midgets were forced to run a play and get a first down to try and seal the victory. So on first and ten looking to take advantage of Hermes’ speed and ice the game Scrimmell handed off to the god of speed who got to the outside and down the sideline.

The only hope from here was Slater’s laser gun.

Taking the gun out of his holster, Slater used the sight on the Iron Man suit, aimed down field and fired. The shot hit the ball causing it to fly up in the air partially deflated where Air Bud caught it.

The Golden Receiver then ran the ball back 29 yards for the touchdown tying the game at 13 with 1 second left on the clock. And with the extra point George Washington’s Slaves went on to take a 14-13 victory over the Brotherhood of Evil Midgets.

During the postgame press conference Midget head coach Kurt Houslander was extremely disappointed by the outcome.

“You’ve gotta hand it to the Slaves… They didn’t give up and wanted it more” Houslander said.

Houslander continued “I still don’t understand though how A.C. Slater wasn’t flagged at the end for using a laser gun on Hermes. But you can’t dwell on one play, we had our opportunities to win this game and we didn’t take advantage”.