President Barack Obama and Taylor Swift's Red Army Vs. Shemalbama's Shit-kickers

Barack and Taylor Swift's Red are Coached by Professor Minerva McGonagall. The team is Angelina Jolie (w/ blue lightsaber), Joan Jett, Kate Hernandez (w/ Legion Flight Ring), Rachel Ray (w/ flamethrower and green lightsaber), Esme Cullen, Alice Cullen, Rosalie Hale, Cece Jones, Rocky Blue, Dora the Explorer, Ginny Weasley (w/ Harry's wand).

Shamalabama's Shit-kickers are Coached by Morpheus. The team is Predator #13 (w/ yellow lantern ring), The Rock (w/ blue lantern ring), Triple H (w/ red lightsaber), Wizard #1, Tomax, Xamot, Deathlok (w/ green lightsaber), Smoke, Steve Austin, and Doozer #15.


“WHAT!! You brought me back to life”. Says an enraged Dora to President Obama, Prof. McGonagall, and Taylor Swift in the locker room a few weeks before the match you are about to read. She finishes off her statement by saying: “It is bad enough that I was denied my childhood by this horrific league; but now you won't even let me rest in peace!! And, The Backpack, The Map, and even Boots have to go through this hell again too”?? She then finishes off by looking at Barack and saying: “And who put them in charge?!!?... Where's Miley and Doom?!!? And I see that I am getting the start in the first week as well... Cause that makes sense... You stole my childhood freedom to train me to be a killer not an American futbal player. What's wrong with you people”??!!!!??

These words float in Dora's head as she puts on her helmet and gets ready to take the field. She radios Barack on their secure line and says: “Mr. President, I apologize for my initial outburst at being resurrected and for being distant over the last few weeks. I hope you know that I am ready to serve in whatever capacity you may need... Long live The Commandos... I mean Red Army”.

The teams begin to run out on the field at the Silverdome, when a being who looks similar to Joshatu shows himself. He is disheveled looking and is dressed in multi-colored vinyl garb. He speaks: “I am The Neon Master Pogo. Joshatu, being the only watcher witnessing two matches a week anymore with the influx of new watcher blood attempted to clone himself. This experiment did not work out for him, most likely because he sucks at everything. Instead it worked better than he could possibly imagine, and he created me. He attempted to destroy me; but I instead have escaped and have taken over half of his watcher duties. You will see that I do not play by the same “rules” as Joshatu... In other words I DON'T CARE!! I DO WHA I WANT”!!

The Neon Master, than transports the teams from The Silverdome, where Joshatu had set the match and brings them to an old field on Tuck Road in Farmington Hills that hasn't existed in many moons for your earth time.

The Neon Master speaks again: “I have removed all of your weapons, but I will pick and choose which other rules I will enforce. This is backyard football, we play to 21; now get to it”.

Deathlok punts off to The Red Army, because they don't have a ball holder. The Shit-kickers are made to kick off because of their obvious advantage (they aren't all girls). OHHH. Yeah I went there. Now look over your shoulder and make sure your wife isn't in the room and know that it is okay to laugh. Joan Jett catches the kick-off and looks over to CeCe Jones and Rocky Blue who are on the sidelines dancing and singing an awesome song. “Hey tweens, you are actually in this game, not just cheerleaders... How about some help”!??! But it Is to late to matter, because the play ends with Joan Jett being tackled by Tomax.

Dora receives the snap, and looks clueless with the football in her hands. She seems far more terrified now, than she did when she faced Martian Manhunter in single combat. Her Offensive Lineman are “shaken up” after they are clothes-lined by Smoke which results in the breaking of both of their necks. Dora hands off to Rosalie, who is protected by her family members Esme and Alice as she runs for a touchdown, practically untouched. Doozer #15 is running as fast as any doozer has ever run when he is accidentally stepped on by Terminator #20, who is walking at his normal terminator pace. Wizard #1, who is a truly great master of wizardry's old a** is huffing and puffing like crazy as he attempts to run after the glittery vampires. He dies of exhaustion.

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Both teams at this point are looking around thinking the same thing that I was from the first second of this match... A team full of chicks, a doozer, and wizard... Have either of these team owners ever heard of football??

Rachel Ray attempts to kick off, but slips in the mud. Predator #13 steps on her already crushed looking face as he picks up the ball and runs in for the touchdown. He spikes the ball and screams with joy (cuz that's what predator's do when they are happy).

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Morpheus, basically has The Predator, Deathlok, and Smoke cover the three vampires, due to the fact that they are the only real threat the Red Army has to offer. Dora attempts to pass to Alice; but it is knocked down by The Rock. On the next down, Dora hands off to Joan Jett who loses the ball when Xamot tackles her. It is recovered by Kate, but than knocked loose by Steve Austin. He laterals back to The Rock, who runs it in for a touchdown.

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Angelina Jolie decides that she needs to take matters in to her own hands and tells Dora that she needs to take over as quarterback. Dora responds with: “whatever B^&*)^h... I'm done with this piece of crap; get me to a battle already”. Angelina Jolie takes the snap from Ginny, and then literally snaps in half from the force of the football because she is so skinny. Deathlok recovers the ball and looks at the camera in a very campy fashion and says: “by the way, did I just get picked to play in this football game because I am African-American... Cause that's bulls&*6t”!! He then runs in to the endzone and wraps up this amazing contest (and I use that term loosely).

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