Kitties Vs. The Murderflies

Week 1:Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies vs. Landerlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family

The Murderflies are: Spartacus, Red Lantern Crixus, Gannicus, Doctore, Barca, Agron, Varro, Green Lantern Teddy Roosevelt, John Moses Browning(in Mandalorian armor), Kingpin, and Moon Knight. Head coach:King Leonidas

The Kitties are: Fred Jones, Patrick Star, Steelwill, Stronghold, Don-el, Mala, Kid Flash(Wally West), Juggernaut, Grimace, Ookla the Mok, and Cinderblock. Head coach:Bo Schembechler



Rules: This game will be played in four quarters with overtime rules, i.e. both teams will have one chance to score per quarter. Touchdowns are worth 7 points. No kickers allowed. Man's game.



There is an air of confidence in the Kitties locker room due to the leadership of legendary UofM head coach Bo Schembechler. "This is the moment we've been preparing for, not only this week, but for all of our lives. All of the training, all of the work, all of the sacrifices are for this moment. Forget yesterday, forget tomorrow. Today is what we play for! Today is what we live for! And today, we win together! I couldn't be prouder of all of you! Now bring it in... on 3... 1 2 3 GO BLUE! Er, orange. Sorry, old habits..." A roar emanates from the Kitties locker room.



This is a stark contrast to the Murderflies gathering. Spartacus is voicing his concerns to their head coach. "King Leonidas, we have been summoned to play a game of "football", but most of the men are puzzled and know not what to do. We be warriors, not sportsmen. We seek your wisdom in this affair." "I know nothing of this "football" game. I know only of war and death", Leonidas responds. "Then that is what we shall bring them", says Spartacus. King Leonidas nods slowly.



We are LIVE at Cowboys Stadium here in lovely Dallas, Texas! This arena was chosen because I've always wanted to see that super Jumbo-tron that they have. Oh, and its the only arena grand enough to house a match-up of this magnitude, so technically, that makes this a business trip. Bam. The Kitties win the coin toss and elect to start the game with possession of the ball. That means the Murderflies will have the ball to begin the second half.



The teams line up in a fairly predictable manner, with the more physically imposing player comprising the offensive and defensive lines. Those that can fly play the wide receiver position, and the remaining players opt for the "back" positions. Staring quarterback for the Kitties will be the "Maestro of Mystery", the Scooby-Doo gang's leader, Fred Jones! The Murderflies' quarteback will be "The Bringer of Rain", "The Bringer of Pain", Spartacus' own...um, Spartacus.



The Kitties start at their own 20 yard line. The snap the ball to Fred, who hands off to Kid Fla... Touchdown Kitties! Wally West points to the sky, no doubt carrying on about Uncle Barry. 7-0 Kitties.



The Murderflies march to the 20 line to begin the drive. The ball is snapped to Sparta... touchdown Kitties?!? As we look at the slow motion replay, it appears that Kid Flash intercepted the ball mid-snap! With more ramblings about "Uncle Barry this" and "Uncle Barry that," the kid points skyward again. This ends the first quarter with the Kitties increasing their lead, 14-0.



I was worried something like this might happen, but fear not, True Believer! We here at Watcher Industries have been hard at work to make our matches more entertaining for you, the viewer! Allow me to introduce to you the latest in Watcher Brand(TM) tech, "NuFaGtu's Wheel of Death!"(patent pending). With a simple spin, this game can become instantly more dangerous, and let's be honest, instantly more entertaining! Will this game continue on moving platforms over a bottomless pit? Will rabid dogs with metal teeth enter the game? Only the Wheel knows for sure, so let's spin this mother! No whammy, no whammy... STOP! Ooooo... a non leathal exploding football for each team! The coaches are issued a remote control, and we continue into the second quarter.



The Murderflies begin in a "shotgun" formation. Kid Flash again tries to steal the ball mid-snap, but King Leonidas activates the exploding football! Kid Flash is down, and it doesn't look like he's getting up anytime soon! I don't believe it! This kid is in space, getting carted off, and he's STILL going on about Barry. It's second down, and the Murderflies are determined to complete at least one snap this half. Don-el, the Kryptonian cop of Kandor, attempts to steal the ball from Spartacus mid-snap, but fails as the ball is snapped to Red Lantern Crixus instead. Crixus takes off for his own endzone with Mala in hot pursuit. She is mere inches away from stopping him, but she is met with a spray of plasma that holds her off long enough to allow Crixus to score! Crixus celebration apparently includes destroying the goalpost, but, really, who cares. They aren't being used anyways. Screw kickers. Crixus also attempts to celebrate in the crowd, and by celebrate, i mean hack them to pieces in a rage. His teammates manage to get him back on the field in time for the Kitties possession. The score is now 14-7, with the Murderflies cutting into the Kitties lead.



The Kitties also begin in the "shotgun" formation. Fred gets the ball and has all day to throw. The Murderflies seem a little wary after seeing the effects of the exploding football. King Leonidas is enraged on the sideline, screaming. "What are you dogs waiting for? ATTACK!!!" The Murderflies gain their composure, but it is too late. The "shotgun" formation was used to give the Juggernaut room to gain momentum and he crashes through the flat footed defense. Green Lantern Teddy Roosevelt places a series of ring generated brick walls in front of the Juggernaut, to no avail. Touchdown Kitties! Thus ends the second quarter, as well as the first half. The Kitties have a strong lead heading to the locker rooms, 21-7.



The Kitties locker room has a media blackout for halftime, per Bo's request, but the Murderflies head coach is not as savvy. I can hear Leonidas bellowing long before I reach the door. "I would be less embarassed losing to the "men" of Athens! They call themselves Kitties and Cats, yet I am the one surrounded bt pussies! Leave my sight, wretches, save you Kingpin. I have much to consider."



We also have much to consider because a new quarter means another spin on the "Wheel of Death!" This time it stops ooooon... the dreaded power nullifier! Lucky break for the tech people, T.S. everyone else. This effect will last for the third quarter only. If I wanted to see regular people playing an entire game of football poorly, I would've just put on a replay of KC vs Jax.



As the third quarter begins, the Murderflies line up with an appropriate level of confidence. With half their team depowered, the Kitties are in big trouble, despite their huge lead. Kid Flash appears to have recovered, but remains on the bench. This may be a wise coaching decision by Bo, as the death toll is sure to rise. The Murderflies look ready to deliver some serious payback. "Bout time," mutters Moon Knight, while sliding on his spiked brass knuckles. "Now hold on, soldier!" interjects a stern voice. "Yeah Marc, some of them are just scared kids! Nobody has to die, not today." says a second voice. "Guys, I'm still an Avenger. It's under control." replies Moon Knight. "Spector, have you suffered a brain injury since we last met?" laughs Kingpin. "Besides, the Kingpin is the only one in control." "Shut it, fat man. I'll still gut you in a heartbeat." growls Marc Spector. "Gut me? I thought your specialty was cutting off faces. Or perhaps it's getting those close to you killed. My mistake." smirks the Kingpin. A Wolverine style set of claws pop from Moon Knight's gauntlet with a "snikt". "Quiet, the both of you! Lest I grant your wishes myself!" erupts Gannicus. "Ha! I would wager coin on that fight!" exclaims Varro. "You are not alone." adds Barca. "Count me in!" says Agron. "Enough bickering, all of you!" commands Doctore. "Save it for our foes. We can worry about wagers later. I will be included, of course."



The gladiators' laughter is cut short by Teddy Roosevelt demanding the ball. As it is snapped, Ookla the Mok, Steelwill, and Grimace valiantly attempt to hold up some semblance of a defensive line, but are easily overtaken by the full on blitz of Murderflies. "Fred! What do we do?" asks Patrick Star. "I... I... I don't know!" stammers Fred. "Usually at this point in the story, I'm off camera with Daphne! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!" The Kitties do just that,. From the sideline Bo yells "Let them score, we'll still have the lead!" As the Kitties barely elude their attackers, Teddy Roosevelt is conferring with John Browning, football still in hand. "It appears that if we don't score quickly, we may have a bloodbath on our hands." comments Roosevelt. "Indubitably" agrees Browning. "That doesn't seem very sporting, nor very Presidential. Did you finish the gun that I ordered?" inquires Roosevelt. "Indeed!" answers Browning. "Bully! Go long!" exclaims the fomer president, because if there's a story where Teddy doesn't say "Bully!", then I don't want to read it! As John Browning flies toward the endzone in his Mandalorian armor, Teddy Roosevelt loads and fires his new custom football cannon. The ball sails perfectly into the hands of John Browning for the easy TD. That makes the score 21-14 Kitties halfway through the third quarter.



The Kitties take the ball, as Fred speaks with Bo Schembechler. "Coach, we have big problems down here. We can't score like this!" "Don't worry, young man. Take a knee 4 times. We'll still have the lead, plus a fighting chance next quarter." reassures Bo. So the Kitties proceed to do just that, downing the ball 3 times in a victory formation. Unfortunately, by the fourth snap, Red Lantern Crixus' rage cannot be held back. "Cowards!" screams Crixus as he smashes though the Kitties line. I may be seeing things, but it looked like Fred just handed him the ball, which Crixus graciously accepts. He is running toward the endzone, when the Bo triggers the remote for his teams' exploding football leftover from the second quarter. "Damn," laments Bo. "I was hoping to save that." Thus ends the Kitties possession and also the third quarter. The Kitties are still in the lead, 21-14.



The forth quarter starts and the power nullifier is turned off. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed. I figured with a name like "Wheel of Death!", we see more... well... death. Yet both teams remain as untouched as a veggie tray at a BBQ. Alright you piece of crap, one more spin. Round and round she goes... and round... and round... and it's not stopping. Great, broken for the forth quarter. I turn to the field, and to my surprise, the "Wheel of Death!" is generating random effects on the field. Looks like this thing might live up to it's name after all! Maybe too much, because explosions also begin occuring in the crowd as well, killing many spectators and scattering the rest!



With their powers restored and Kid Flash back in the game, the Kitties receive the ball and look ready to finish this thing. "Okay guys, if you stronger types protect the rest from these death traps, we should be good! Got it?" Fred says confidently. "Got it Fred!" replies Patrick Star cheerfully, mere seconds before a pike springs from the ground impaling him. "Ahhhh!!!! Hike! HIKE!!!" screams a horrified Fred scrabbling for a quick play. He manages to dodge a trio of flying sawblades, although attemped tacklers Barca and Agron are not as lucky. "Gimme the ball!" yells Kid Flash. "I can finish it now!!!" Fred quickly obliges, handing the ball to Kid Flash, who runs right into the path of a freeze ray. John Browning steals the ball and takes flight to his own endzone. G.L. Teddy Roosevelt is shielding him from the random weaponry with a force field of ring energy, but it is shattered by the combined might of Don-el and Mala's punches. Don-el takes the ball as Mala and Browning continue their aerial battle. Don-el is streaking to his endzone when a meteor crashes through the roof, stopping him while also crushing Varro, Doctore, and Gannicus below. The ball is recovered mid air by the mechanical hawk Stronghold, accompanied by the Silverhawks' Steelwill. "Like hell..." says Teddy Roosevelt, who takes down Stronghold with a ring constructed sniper rifle. "Noooo! You're gonna pay for that old man!" exclaims Steelwill as he swoops down to Roosevelt. "Bring it on, Nancy!" replies the ex-president, rolling up his sleeves. The ball falls into the waiting hands of the Juggernaut. He runs toward the endzone, but Crixus vomits plasma in his face. The Juggernaut drops the ball to hold his burned eyes, and blindly runs through Crixus, leaving a different kind of plasma smeared on the field. The fumble is picked up by Spartacus, who manages to dodge laser fire, and a null-gravity trap, but not a bottomless pit. He laterals the ball to Moon Knight, and uses both hands to save himself from certain doom. "C'mon Spector. It's just like the Danger Room at Chuck's place. I can run this thing in my sleep. Just follow me and stay close, bub." "I'm with you Logan! Let's do it!" replies Moon Knight, seemingly to no one. "Logan? You've lost it, boy!" laughs Kingpin. "Shove it, Fatty! Block or shut up!" retorts Marc Spector gruffly. Amazingly, Moon Knight is deftly avoiding all the traps that are sprung on him, and the Kingpin reluctantly does as he is told. The Kingpin Judo throws an approaching Ookla the Mok, but is held up by Grimace and Cinderblock. Moon Knight is ten yards from keeping the game alive for his team, when a giant steel press drops from the ceiling. Spector slides, saving his own life, but his cape is caught between the press and the ground. "I''ll take that!" says Fred as he steals the ball from a trapped Moon Knight.



Fred runs at full speed toward his endzone, but it's hard to tell if he's making progress because it just looks like the background is endlessly looping in a display of cheap animation. Fred is mere yards away from ending the game, but one final obstacle is in his way: The Kingpin. "But Grimace and Cinderblock, they had you!" stammers Fred. "They did, until a Hell pit swallowed them. Or perhaps it was a portal to Jerry Jones office. I suppose it depends on your particular faith. No matter. The ball, please." says The Kingpin extending his hand. "Now wait a minute Kingpin! Why is there grease on your white suit?" inquires Fred. "Surely, no one came out of this match completely clean. What a foolish question. Your naivety is trying my patience." mocks The Kingpin. "Fair enough, but how do you explain THIS!?!" says Fred as he grabs the handkerchief from Kingpin's front suit pocket. "I know of your facination with scarves, but I don't know what it has to do with anything. Compliment my fashion sense, and hand me MY ball." demands Kingpin. "It's not facination, it's really more of a love... and that's how I knew that this was no scarf!" explains Fred unfolding his newly aquired prize. "These are the schematics to the Wheel of Death! You tampered with it! You killed all those people! How could you?" cries Fred. "To win, of course. that fool NuFaGtu suspected nothing! The only thing that matters is that The Kingpin comes out on top!" explains the Kingpin. "That's for the courts to decide, as well as your cellmate!" says an officer as police converge or the Kingpin. "Wilson Fisk, you are under arrest for mass murder!" "Now to see who you REALLY are!" adds Fred while tugging on the face of The Kingpin. To Fred's dismay, it's no mask, but the true face of the Kingpin. "Ew... maybe you should consider wearing a mask next time... forever." shudders Fred. "Hey! It's a glandular problem!" whines Kingpin. Fred enters the endzone to score. "I suspect you may have one of those in prison as well!" says Fred, who shares a hearty laugh with the Dallas police. This makes the score 28-14 Kitties, ending the game as the Murderflies can no longer catch up.