Week One: Le Napoleon Brigade VS The Transfoamers

Le Napoleon Brigade : Golden Age Wonder Woman (Hippolyta) and Evil-Lyn

The Transfoamers: James Hetfield (W/Red Lightsaber), Lars Ulrich(W/Halberd), Kirk Hammett (W/Atlas), Jason Newsted (W/Heat Axe), and Zam Wessel

Setting, somewhere around 3am in Josh Houslander’s apartment.

“EXXXXXXXXXIT LIGHT……ENNNNNNTER NIGHT!!!”

“Stop, STOP…Lars goddamit we have been playing this song for 20 years, can’t you keep the beat on it by now .”

Lead singer, James Hetfield, now frustrated from practicing the same song for the last 3 ½ hours shouts gruffly at his long time drummer.

“Shut up James, you aren’t any better than the rest of us, I know how to play the flipping song, and you don’t have to stop every other verse to call me out.” Ulrich quips back

“Boys, boys enough”, former Bassist Jason Newstead, interjects, “ I really do appreciated you boys asking me to come back and play with you here in my home state, I know I never mentioned this before, but it was your constant bickering that caused me to leave this band in the first place.”

Now Enraged, Tired, and frustrated Hetfield slams his guitar to the ground, and rushes toward Newstead, looking to choke him out with the microphone cord, and is just about to reach him, when longtime lead guitarist Kirk Hammett steps in between the two, and exclaims, “Maybe we should call it an evening boys”

“No we are Fu#*!ng Metallica, and we are gonna get this Fu#*!ng song perfect” , Hetfield shoots back. “This is Detroit, Rock City, and this is the 20year anniversary of Enter Sandman, and that Housesitter kid was nice enough to lend us his apartment while he and his kids went down to ‘The National Waffle, Pancakes, and Star Wars Convention’ in Tupelo Mississippi, for the weekend, so we are going to perfect this effing song.

All of a sudden there is a knock at the door. All four boys spring up and head to the door, thinking it could only be the cops at this hour in the morning, and they don’t need any more headaches than the day has already been. Hetfield reaches the door first, swings it open and says, “Sorry oficerrrr Hello!”. On the other side of the door is a stunningly tall ebony haired woman.

“Could you and your boys keep it down, my associate and I traveled a very long way to get here today, and have a lot of work to do, tomorrow and would appreciate if you allowed us to get some sleep.

“Groupies James, Groupies, invite them in, “a little fun” is exactly what I need right now” quips one of the band members behind Hetfield, he doesn’t turn around to identify who it is.

“Boy’s we are only going to ask nicely one more time, and then you will not like the outcome after that.”

“Are you threatening us lady, it’s been a long day for us as well, and now would not be the time to stand there and Idly threaten us. It is not our bands M.O to strike women, but I cannot be held accountable for my actions, with the mood I’m in now.”

For the time being cooler heads prevail and both parties disperse back to their adjoining apartment buildings.

Once safely inside their apartment, Evil-Lyn shoots a stern look in the direction of her associate and quips, “We could have silenced them….FOR GOOD.”

“We must not reveal ourselves to these mortals. That is not what we have been tasked to do”. Hippolyta replies.

“As, you wish, I will then bid you a good night and retire to my room”. Evil-Lyn states as she walks down the hall, however she has other thoughts on her mind. From the time the band next door began practicing that filth, she had been plotting on silencing them forever.

Evil-Lyn sneaks out the bedroom window and walks next door to observe what the band is up to. She notices that they have picked their instruments back up. She also notices a roadie is adjusting the amplifiers, so she feels this is the perfect time to make her move. She raises her wand un unleashes a sonic wave the blows out the picture window she is peering through, and sends all four members of the band, and their roadie flying through the air and crashing through the wall that separates their practice space in the living room, from the kitchen. As the dust settles, the boys realize that with only a couple of scrapes and cuts, they are all still alive. Evil-Lyn steps through the opening where the window used to be and prepares her next move, fully unaware that the band, knowing Detroit’s rough reputation, had packed a few party favors for personal protection. The band emerges from the rubble, four strong, brandishing the weapons they had stored in the kitchen, and ready for battle. Newsted strikes first as he raises his Heat Axe at the sorceress and unleashes a fire ball. The sorceress is easily able block this, and returns with a conjured blast of ice, that freezes Newsted in his tracks.

As the fighting rages on, the roadie emerges from the rubble, and sneaks out the front door, however this is no ordinary roadie. This is the shape shifter Zam Wessell, hired by Metallica to offer personal protection for the band, because again this is Detroit, and you can never be too safe. Zam had observed the earlier confrontation at the front door, and observed the strength and beauty that was Hippolyta, and knew if she became involved in this fight; the boys in the band were in trouble. Zam, grabs a large piece of the blown out window, takes the form of Evil-Lyn and runs next door.

“Hurry...Hippolyta please help. That band is crazy. The kicked out my window and dragged me from my bed, however I was able to summon just enough magic to break free and get to you. We must put these rabid dogs down for good.”

Reluctantly Hippolyta agrees something must now be done. She steps outside and begins to walk next door, to assess just what must be done to rectify this situation. Zam pulls out the concealed shard from the wreckage next door and stabs violently at the massive Amazonian queen. The shard merely glances off the Queen’s girdle, and Hippolyta wheels around in stunned confusion, raises the staff she had grabbed from her appointment, and strikes Zam down on the spot. She then runs into the apartment to find the true from of her companion locked in what is currently a 3 on 1 battle. As she runs in to join the battle, her staff clangs against the now frozen Jason Newstead, and he is shattered into pieces. She takes her place next to Evil-Lyn, and the true battle is now on.

Kirk Hammet is next to act. He grabs his atlas and rushes at Evil-Lyn. While James and Lars decide they are going to play a game of one-uppsmanship against the Amazonian queen. Kirk swings at the sorceress and shatters the crystal ball that she is holding in her hand. He then swings again, and knocks the wand from the Sorceress’ hand. The force of the blow also knocks the sorceress to the ground. He raises his axe and begins to deliver the death blow. As fate would have it, the sorceress wand came to rest only inches from her on the ground, and she is able to conjure one last beam of energy. Almost simultaneously, the sorceresses head, and the guitarist lifeless body fall to the ground.

Lars steps in front of James holding two drumsticks in his hands.

“I see what you are trying to do hear” quips the Hippolyta, “I heard you drumming earlier; it was indeed brutal enough to kill a person”

Enraged, Ulrich fastens the two drumsticks together to form the magical lance “Halbert” and attacks the Amazonian Queen with a series of brutal blows. Some she is able to fend off with her staff, but more than a couple land. The Amazonian Queen is staggered, yet not defeated.

“Step Back Ulrich, and let me show you how a real man does it”, Hetfield states as he pushes his drummer behind him.

Hetfield fires up his lightsaber, and he two exchanges a series of furious blows with Hippolyta, with the same result. He is able to stager the woman, but now take her down.

Perplexed, the two remaining members of Metallica retreat to the bathroom of the apartment.

“NO, absolutely not, that goes against everything I built this band on, I will not do it” Hetfield screams at Ulrich.

“C’Mon James, woman go crazy for that power ballad s*#t. Kirk and Jason are dead, its only you and I, no one will ever know you sang the song but me”

“No I refuse to do it, I just won’t”

“James, we have had our disagreements today, and I know you don’t value my opinion, but this is a matter of life or death.”

“Fine, but if you tell anyone, you won’t have to worry about Life or Death, cuz I will kill you.”

The two immerge from the bathroom; James grabs his guitar and the microphone from the rubble and begins to sing:

“They say Every Rose has its thorn. Just like every night has its dawwwn. Just like every cowboy Sings a sad, sad song. Eve-ry rose has its thorn.”

The sappy power ballad seems to be working, the Amazonian queen seems to be entranced in the grasps of sh**ty music seduction. Lars seizes this opportunity to again rush the queen. He strikes her violently with his lance. The blow knocks the queen backwards and she crashes over a couch. Ulrich is sure he has impaled her and finished her off. So he is stunned when she arises from behind the couch. The queen thrusts hers staff forward, it enters Ulrich’s notoriously big mouth, and exits out the back of his skull, finishing him for good.

What the queen did not realize, is that while the blow from the drummer did not kill her, it did knock off the magical girdle that had kept her safe/alive throughout the course of the match. But while she did not realize this, Hetfield did, and while the queen was finishing off Ulrich, Hetfield had strategically moved behind her, and ignited the Red Lightsaber.

The queen now steps on the throat of the fallen drummer, and slowly removes her staff from his head.

“I can’t believe that because of you, I had to compromise everything I’ve ever done in my entire career”, she hears from behind her. The queen begins to wheel around quickly when it happens. Things quickly go dark, the queen can see her body standing from across the room, and her brain stays active just long enough to see it fall to the floor.

THE TRANSFOAMERS ARE VICTORIOUS.