REAL MAN's Rabble Rousers Vs. Beckerman's Backyardigan's Beeyatches

Real Man’s Rabble Rousers are Sea Team Voltron, (Beast Wars) Scuba and Depth Charge, The Expendables, The Losers, Aqualad, Megadeth, Pac Man, Ms. Pac-Man, Baby Pac-Man, The Burger King, and Darko Milicec.

Beckerman’s Backyardigan’s Beeyatches (God, I missed writing out that team name) are Aquaman, Karaqan, The Fathom 5: Llyron, Bloodtide, Dragonrider, Manowar, and Sea Leopard, The Sando Aqua Monster, The 2 Headed Shark, The Black Widow Shark, Skullcruncher and Grax, and Aquababy.


Bryatu reaches for his cell phone, looks at who’s calling, and moves the touch screen over to accept the call.

Bryatu: Whaddaya want HOMO??

Joshatu: Sup.

Bryatu: Hey Boy, What’s up??

Joshatu: Yeah, dude, I was just looking at your water roster here. You’re gonna curb stomp Real Man by the way, your squad is bada**. But, who the hell are these Fathom Five guys and Karaqan?

Bryatu: Karaqan is this massive monster that protects Atlantis and Fathom 5 is a group of radicals from Atlantis who protect it.

Joshatu: Oh, so they are the same side??

Bryatu: No, they’ve never even heard of each other. The Fathom 5 is in Atlantis from Marvel. Karaqan is with Aquaman in Atlantis in D.C.

Joshatu: Ahh, I see. So none of them are from the real Atlantis?

Bryatu: There is no REAL Atlantis.

Joshatu: Well, you know what I mean.

Bryatu: No, I don’t… Atlantis isn’t real dude. It was just created for Aquaman and Namor in comics; I’m not really sure who did it first. Probably Namor. He came out in Marvel Comics #1 in 1939. Aquaman didn’t come out until 1941. But either way, Atlantis isn’t REAL…. Duh.

Joshatu: I’m not saying that it is REAL, real. But I’m pretty sure Plato wrote about it in like 360 B.C. And I’m pretty sure he didn’t mention Namor or Aquaman. That’s what I mean by REAL.

Bryatu: Oh, whatever. All I heard was B.C. And that offends me, because I am Jewish.

Joshatu: Oh, I’m sorry. B.C.E., before the common era, not Before Christ.

Bryatu: Ha, I’m just kidding, I don’t give a s*&t what you call it…. Dumba**… Anyway, I gotta go.

Joshatu: Alright, I need to get into character and start watching this match. See ya. And like I said, you’re gonna curb stomp Real Man this week.

Bryatu: Alright. See ya. Happy watching, you anti-Semitic bas&*d.


Now, for the actual match:


Welcome all; this is Joshatu the Resplendent here to bring you this glorious Week 2 match up. Where we will delve deep into the Seas of Caladan, former home world to House Atreides…

Bloodtide looks to his captain, Aquaman and says: “Dude, we are gonna curb stomp The Real Men this week”. “Hmm, tell me about it”. Replies Aquaman. “Tell me about it”. Aquaman elaborates: “My fellow Backyardigans, … (Pause)… it is a bit strange for me to say this thing, Backyardiagn… For I have been on this team since day one. I am proud to be a Backyardigan, but I was here as a proud member of Shemalabams’s S**t Kickers, a proud member of Better Than All of You, and a proud member of Team Joe before that. It is not a name that I fight for, but for pure water dominance and for future Universe Bowls!! As I look around at my squad, a small part of me misses the days where me and Aqualad (rest in peace) were all this team had as a water team. We worked hard, we won matches, but I no longer have to do it myself. I have allies, and I feel that WE NOW HOLD THE STRONGEST WATER POWERHOUSE IN ALL OF THE EFF-EFF-ELLLL”!!

Everybody on Aquaman’s squad goes nuts, as they move on together to begin the battle...

As the Backyardigans roll up on The Real Men Squad they see that they do have some powerful water characters, but that they also have some sitting ducks. Aquaman hangs back, while he watches and directs his squad in the battle. Aside from the control he has over the animalistic members of his own squad, he uses his telepathy to summon all manner of creatures from within the seas of Caladan. Aquaman has no problem doing this, because although he is not in a sea of earth, all creatures of Caladan are in fact decedents of terrestrial earth creatures, albeit a few millennia removed. Aquaman, though intent on winning this match has no desire to fight his former apprentice Aqualad himself. So, he sends the mighty Karaqan off to fight Aqualad. The Fathom Five stick together and move towards the Beast Wars crew of Scuba and Depth Charge. But The Real Men are prepared to go on the offensive as well. The mighty five piece Voltron Sea Team moves against The Sando Aqua Monster, but The 2 Headed Shark, The Black Widow Shark, and Skullcruncher along with Grax are in the vicinity as well…

Aquaman focuses all of the Caladian Sea Creatures that he has summoned in the direction of the member of The Rabble Rousers who are simply swimming in the water with no support. Large shark like creatures and vicious Sea Lionish mammals rush towards the members of The Expendables and The Losers. REAL MAN didn’t bother to tell me the names of The Expendables and The Losers when he sent in his team; and in his laziness just left me to look them all up, so I Joshatu the Umbrageous has decided to pay that laziness forward and not bother to write down the names as well (even though I have seen the movies several times and know at least a few of them off the cuff). So,……., although the tough dudes from these two teams put up a decent fight; The Expendables “Full Team” and The Losers “Full Team” are both violently ripped apart by a plethora of the most violent and powerful water animals that the Seas of Caladan have to offer. The creatures then move on to Megadeth (who he didn’t bother to list off for me either). Dave Mustaine and the boys fair even worse than the military dudes as they do not require ninety-nine ways; but only four ways to die to take out both guitarists, the bass player, and the drummer of the 4 piece metal band.

Scuba and Depth Charge go toe to toe with Skullcruncher and Grax and the battle is a great example of giant sea robots fighting amongst themselves. I mean seriously, watching this is like 80’s style, Anime, cartoon, robot porn. It’s awesome… For Real. But in all of its heavy-handed elephantine physical eloquence; at the end of the day ya gotta give the nod to Generation 1 Transformers over The Beast Wars. Even when they are decent Beast Wars Transformers.

Scuba and Depth Charge die… Skullcruncher and Grax do not.

Aqualad valiantly battles against the mighty Karaqan; but he does not seem to be able to make any headway against the enormous sea creature. This battle rages on, so we will revisit it later on.

Pac Man, Ms. Pac-Man, The Burger King and Darko swim over towards Aqualad to give him a hand against the ancient defender of Atlantis; but only the Pac-couple is able to make it through the shark infested waters alive.

The battle between The Voltron Squad and The Sando Aqua Monster, 2 Headed Shark, and Black Widow Shark are just warming up when The Fathom Five come in, in an attempt to even the odds. The five members of Voltron have combined into the Aqua Fighter and are speedily evading The Backyardigans, attempting to take advantage of their superior fire power without their inferior numbers slowing them down. Dragonrider and Manowar attempt a run at the Vehicle, but they are plowed directly over and killed. The Aqua Fighter then warms up their guns by targeting and firing on Llyron. Once their primary gun is charged, they fire a massive nuclear blast at The Black Widow Shark. “EAT NEAR UNIVERSE POWER!! BEEOTCH!!”! Screams Tangor from inside The Aqua Fighter (it is encouraged for all members of Real Man’s Rabble Rousers to scream in all caps and to talk smack regularly… It’s strategy). But, with their primary weapon exhausted and their power supply down, this leaves The Aqua Fighter exposed from a mega wallop courtesy of they planet’s core’s own Sando Aqua Monster. Zandee’s ship takes the brunt of it and is destroyed, while the other four scatter, and attempt to regroup. Lisa and Shannon are able to take out Bloodtide once they corner him with their laser power, while Cric and Tangor are able to take out both heads of The 2 Headed Shark (even though it had TWICE AS MANY TEETH)!! But once Skullcruncher and Grax show up to lend a hand to the rest of their B-3 friends the remaining members of Voltron are not able to hold on. They are one by one ripped apart by The Sando Aqua Monster, as well as the Head Changer Decepticon.

In more exciting news, the battle of the babies has begun between Aquababy and Baby Pac Man. Aquababy cannot decide whether to pinball Baby Pac-Man against some rocks or corner his digital body (anybody raise your Super Nerd hand if you actually get that reference). In the end, I haven’t seen a Baby Pac-Man destroyed that bad since the last time I went on a road trip with Ed (if that obscure reference piqued your interest, and you want a good story ask him about it at the next draft).

Pac-Man and Ms. Pac Man both gobble up a few dozen fish, but then get gobbled up by the Karaqan. Their effort is valiant, but they really don’t help Aqualad much in his battle against the sea monster. While he is being consumed whole, Jackson Hyde still goes down fighting even as he looks around his watery grave to see that the rest of his squad has been unsuccessful as well.

As the battle comes to a close, Aquaman makes the biggest move he has made all day, as he uncrosses his arms and smiles…