Season 7, Week 2: President Barack Obama and Miley Cyrus' Touring Battalion of Commandos vs. The Mickey Mouse Grindhouse

The Commandos are: Earth 2 Superman, Vampire Orion, Heimdall, Captain Marvel (Mar-Vell), Duke (G.I. Joe) w/GL Ring, Gungan Soldiers #11-28, Metroid #1, and Black Lantern Jar Jar Binks.

The Grindhouse is: Killer Shark, Siren, Xebel Soldiers #15-19, Blue Lantern Kyle Rayner w/ Ion’s GL Ring, White Lantern Abin Sur, Arkillo, Deadman, Donald Duck w/ RL Ring, Jar Jar Binks.


  Ah, the waters of Usul’s homeworld; so watery, so homeworld-ly. Though many exotic fish traverse these waters, none can compare to Killer Shark’s submarine The Killer Whale. Yes, I know the whale is a mammal, but this is a submarine and therefore a fish. Siren and her Xebel Soldiers swam alongside the vessel while Abin Sur, Kyle Rayner, and Deadman tailed them from a safe distance above the surface. Fellow Nazis Arkillo, Donald Duck, and Jar Jar Binks rode along from within. “Aren’t you supposed to be big and scaly or something?” Donald asked. “That’s Killer Croc. I’m Killer Shark, they don’t even sound the same.” Donald rolled his eyes. “Sure, pal. So what IS your power anyway?”

“I don’t HAVE any. Like all Nazis, I have fish-themed vehicles and I make drugs, or… take drugs or something, I don’t know, I’m on too many drugs to remember. I feel like I’m in that terrible Beatles cartoon.” The radar pinged. “Speak of the devil, blue meanies ahead!” On the surface Duke, Heimdall, and Black Lantern Jar Jar were treading water with no helpful submarines to relax in. A flow of bubbles rose from the water below them. “Ugh, was that you Jar Jar? That’s nasty.” Duke complained. The actual source, approaching fast, was air escaping from the open jaws of the Killer Whale. Faster than BL Jar Jar could make an obligatory goober fish reference, the three were swallowed up by the ship and raised into the cramped deck. “Welcome aboa- Whoa, Jar Jar, I think I’m seeing double. There’s no way Nazi God would allow two of you in one reality. But hey, any of you guys want some of these weird Altoids®? Don’t crunch them, you gotta let them melt on your tongue.” Duke conjured some brass knuckles with his ring and punched Killer Shark’s nose into his brain. “Drugs are for terrorists, you Nazi nerd! Knowing is half the battle!” As Duke gave a self-important thumbs up to Heimdall, Arkillo pounced and began bashing his face. Their teammates joined in and a submarine brawl commenced.

The Gungan soldiers saw Black Lantern Jar Jar eaten by the submarine and were busy trying to pry it open again when concussive blasts of water started knocking them around. Siren's soldiers killed six of the Gungans before they realized what was happening, but their retaliation was immediate. Above them Deadman, Kyle and Abin Sur arrived with the misfortune of having to engage Earth-2 Superman, Mar-Vell, and Vampire Orion. "Back, scourge of undeath! White power compels you!" Abin commanded, forcing the New God away with a burning cross formed from his ring's light. Blue Lantern Rayner had high hopes when he started firing on Superman, but his will just wasn't powerful enough. While Kyle struggled to hold back the irritated Kryptonian, Deadman possessed the body of Mar-Vell and rushed to assist, grabbing the stunned Orion in a chokehold and allowing Abin to drive a white light stake through his undead heart. The duo turned on Superman as he broke through Rayner's shields. He Space Jams Kyle through the submarine and associated submarine brawl, sending five good warriors and two Jar-Jars hurtling into the ocean depths. Abin Sur gave his stolen ally a set of hulk-sized light fists and restrained Superman while Mar-Vell brought a flying punch to his gut. Superman was flung and skidded across the water's surface, but a wave burst behind him as he shifted his momentum and flew back to the fight. Abin braced himself in a bubble of life energy, but when the blow connected the bubble shot into the distance. Superman flew the other direction, and the two met on the other side of the planet. The force burst bubble instantly, and the lantern bounced off Supes' fist with a grisly crack before dropping to the water. Superman seized his turned teammate and stared him in Deadman's eyes. "I don't know why you're working with them, and I don't care. All I know is, you're not the Captain Marvel who's worth my time." He broke the possessed Kree's neck without warning, returning Boston Brand to death in the process. He noticed the fight in the water for the first time, seeing that Siren and what little remained of her forces were busy hacking apart the last of his Gungan allies. In an instant, his heat vision boiled the water, cooking the last of his enemies alive. As he contemplated his victory, his Metroid ally floated by like a jellyfish in the steaming water. Surviving as Metroids often do, it flew up and hovered near Superman. "Where were you all match, tough guy?"