The Horsemen of Apokolips VS. The Empire

The Horsemen of Apokolips are Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Black Bolt, Optimus Prime w/ Roller, Obi Wan Kenobi, Achilles, C.M. Punk (w/ Legion Flight Ring and blue lightsaber), John McLane in The Eagle, Havoc, Green Lantern Ryan Poteracki, Vampire Chris Artrip, Vampire Julie Artrip, Godzilla, and The Witch King of Angmar.

The Empire is Silver Surfer, Red She Hulk, Daredevil (w/ mithril vest), Black Zero, Black Zero, Indigo Lantern Sinestro, Predator #50, Black Zarak, Victory Saber, Mother Askani, Premier Vladimir Putin (w/ Black Kryptonite) in The Millennium Groudy, Full Spectrum Kyle Rayner, and Lady Deadpool.


Big Bad Leroy Brown showed up to referee this one and then instantly urinated in his pants and ran all the way to Aurora, Illinois once he saw the two line ups of these teams. So instead, it is I Joshatu the Herculean who shall watch this match. But first we shall explore what these two teams have done over the last week in preparation for this epic battle of undefeated teams.

On the planet Apokolips, in the base of The Horsemen…

From the beginning of the season, a power struggle has emerged between Head Coach (Elderly) Bruce Wayne and former, yet now resurrected Head Horsemen Darkseid. Darkseid is seated on his throne when he summons Superman to the fiery throne room. Darkseid speaks: “Ahhh, the mighty Superman, kneel before the power of the leader of Apokolips so we can officially become allies in our quest to conquer The FFL”. Superman replies: “I will work with you Darkseid; but I assure you, the son of Jor El kneels to no being in this universe” (? Haven’t you seen Superman 2??)? “This can be accepted by me, as long as you perform on the battlefield. And as for performing on the battlefield, I expect nothing less than victory, total obliteration of the enemy, and in this case for you to bring me the silver head of the one they call “The Surfer””. Says Darkseid. The Lord of Apokolips continues: “I trust you know the history of the last time The Surfer, along with a Gamma-infused Hulk met The Horsemen. It is one of the few black marks in the storied history of”…. Superman interrupts: “I am well aware of the history of The Horsemen, and of the match where this team, before I was here was embarrassed by The Right Wing. I also have no need for your pomp, circumstance, or threats. I know your history, and I expect that you know mine. I will do today as I have always done. I am Superman. I win matches, and I win championships. Now you have asked for my help and you have received it, but next time you ask me to kneel, you will learn why it is my image on The Universe Bowl Trophy”……..

Recently moved from the city of Tijuana, Mexico, to one of The Empire’s new bases in The Crimean Peninsula…

Vladimir Putin speaks to his new team: “It seems obvious to me, the reasons that The Empire had not previously selected a head coach before I was drafted by the team. I now thank you for electing me as the new head coach of The Empire with 95% of the vote. I have already taken the liberty to put together the perfect Horsemen kill squad. As I understand it, it was only poor execution from the front office that caused us to lose our match against The Horsemen last year; and which kept us out of the playoffs. As your new leader I will make sure that if we ever lose another battle that it will be lost with honor on the battlefield, not lost on paper before the match ever starts. I have taken control of our team’s piece of black kryptonite, and I have painstakingly used it throughout this week on our own Kryptonians, to make them into the perfect fighting machines. I will then use this same tool to win over Superman who The Horsemen will inevitably play against us this week. Many have asked over the last season why The Tijuana Taco Benderz have changed their name to The Empire. They asked what we were an empire of. But I am here to tell all of you, that as Mother Russia expands across the globe and as this team begins to spread their dominance across The FFL, after this season, NO PERSON ALIVE WILL EVER WONDER AGAIN WHAT WE ARE AN EMPRE OF, OR WHERE OUR IMPERIUM ENDS!!!!!! NOW, join me as I will personally go into the South Side of Chicago and bring APOCALYPSE TO THE HORSEMEN!!!!


Within seconds of this battle, Chicago is reduced to nothing more than an enormous pile of rubble. Godzilla on The side of The Horsemen, and Black Zarack on the side of The Empire alone have done millions of dollars worth of damage just from moving throughout the battlefield , while the group firepower and opening attacks have made it far worse. John McLane has been driving around in The Eagle, doing his best to avoid debris and to find something he can do to help out amongst all these super-powered freaks. The Red Dodge Dakota is swerving wildly through the streets. Red lining at intense speeds, like 65. The Dakota has six cylinders and uses at least 4 of them which is plenty for John who praises the vehicle’s performance by saying: “This f(*^(&n piece of S&*t!! What the F&*^k are you doin John, ya get drafted by the best team in the league and they end up givin you this F*&&in jalopy to ride around in”!! But imperfect vehicles, quickly become the least of John’s worries as Batman Jr. swoops in and lands in the bed of the truck. John swerves wildly to lose Batman’s son but it is to no avail.

Elsewhere, Cybertronian Jet and Flying Lion, Victory Leo and Star Saber have merged to form Victory Saber and are taking part in a strafing run towards their former leader Optimus Prime, who is busting his way down the torn up Chicago streets in his semi-truck form.

With squads as powerful as this, even some of the heaviest hitters in the league are going to come up short early and often, and this match is no exception. Wonder Woman gets in a skirmish with Daredevil who makes the mistake of underestimating the melee skills of the Amazon. She catches his right foot after he attempts a spin kick and then brings him in close to crack his neck. Mother Askani foresees the damage that Black Bolt can do and instantly as the battle begins shuts down his brain from sending any sort of message to his larynx. She knows that this feat, though incredibly impressive cannot possibly maintained over the Inhuman, even by her, so she then focuses her mutant abilities and residual Phoenix Force powers to send a fiery mind block over to Black Bolt and finish him before he starts anything. The Witch King finds his Sauron infused ring, perfectly mismatched against the power of Sinestro’s Indigo Ring; which quickly turns the first of 9 Human Ring against The Nazgul, turning him into a worn out old man, who Sinestro quickly murders. Predator #50 quickly evades the attacks from CM Punk, who flies at the alien hunter with his blue lightsaber ignited. The Pro Wrestler then finds himself on the short end of a well-aimed laser blast as he flies on by. Full Spectrum Rayner makes an attempt to combine and harness all of his many lantern rings; but he comes up short before he can do any real damage to Godzilla. Rayner loses focus and cannot generate any form of aura strong enough to repel the mighty lightning radiation breath of Godzilla. Although, Sinestro had been counting on Rayner’s inability to handle all the rings and swoops in as they begin to disperse. His knowledge of The Oan Technology helps out immensely as he avoids the blue, pink, and orange and snatches up the green and yellow. The red on the other hand flies far away from him, because as Sinestro gains this huge influx of power, he is extremely happy.

Optimus Prime ejects Roller out of the back, as he is being chased by Victory Saber; but the plan does not play out well for “the tough little Autobot”, Roller is targeted and destroyed by Victory Saber on his way down; but then the Brainmaster is shot out of the sky by Optimus as he transforms into robot form. Prime then shoots several more times causing The Autobot(s) to split back apart. Optimus rushes in fiercely ripping off the tail of Victory Leo and then using it to bash apart Star Saber, extinguishing both of their sparks.

As the crux of this battle, truly begins; Vladimir Putin begins to implement his master plan. As he cruises down the road in The Millennium Groudy with Black Zero in the passenger seat and The Kryptonians Black Zero and Superman Jr. in the back he pulls out his piece of Black Kryptonite. He has been exposing these two to this piece all week, so as to make them mindlessly evil and to twist them to his will, and if his plan works, he will do the same to The Horsemen’s own Kryptonian, Superman. Black Zero and Superman Jr. both fly out of the Jeep and begin their planned reign of terror. The two of them begin by ripping the heads off of The Vampire Fizzles and then fly on from there. Back in the Jeep, Putin is slowed down but not stopped as Havoc blasts the Jeep apart, killing The Mega Man Black Zero; but Putin uses his toughness and skills as a black belt to escape the wreckage.

Speaking of car wrecks, Green Lantern Ryan has come to the aid of John McLane, who was about to crash The Eagle. John screams to Ryan to take the wheel. Ryan listens to The FFL Veteran as he flies in through the window (the door was locked so he couldn’t open it (just one of the truck’s perks)). Ryan asks him, why he wanted him to jump in the truck instead of fight the dude in the bed of it, but John (now in the passenger seat) just yells, “So I can F(*(&&*in do this”, as he swings out of the window and into the bed. He then starts pounding on Batman Jr. and puts a couple of 9mms in his chest. The son of Batman’s bullet proof armor protects him which keeps him fighting with John, but McLane then does a not so graceful, but still awesome tackle, kick combo which sends Batman Jr. out of the vehicle. John then from the back of the moving truck sends a perfectly aimed bullet under the cowl and into the unprotected face of Batman Jr. to finish him off.

Next, we will follow one non-super-powered member from each team as they carefully sneak up on a much more powerful counterpart from the other team. As Vladimir Putin approaches Superman with his black Kryptonite at the ready, Batman has done his research and is fast approaching Mother Askani. The aged version of Rachel Summers foresees this coming but her mental abilities are blocked just enough by Batman’s lead cowl which keep her initial attacks from working. By the time the telepath can begin to institute plan B Batman has already bataranged her to death. Superman’s exposure to the black kryptonite has worked as well. Superman loses his morals and his ethical grip on the situation as the man of steel flies off to make his sheer power his strength. The practically mindless Superman rushes off to “help” the other Kryptonians in their battle against his own teammate the massive Godzilla. At this point, Superman is not guided by the thought of winning for his team, or for the other team he is just simply trying to attain Kryptonian superiority. His plan to take out Godzilla along with Black Zero and his alternate universe son only goes as far as killing the massive dinosaur. After that, Superman will move to destroying the next most powerful beings around (most likely his “partners” Black Zero and Superman Jr.). The three Kryptonians (or at least Kryptonian descendants) move quickly and with amazing precision (you don’t need morality to have good execution). The three together actually make pretty short work of Godzilla as Black Zero hit him high, Superman Jr. low and Superman focused his massive punches and heat vision directly at the beast’s gut. The death and fall of Godzilla actually causes about another 100 million dollars worth of damage. The members of both team’s both scatter, as this happens but it also segments them into several small groups forcing direct fights as opposed to the shadow games they were working on before.

Lady Deadpool and Achilles begin fighting one another on top of one of the few standing buildings on the South side, while Obi Wan Kenobi is down below using the force to locate the invisible Predator #50 and then using his lightsaber to behead him. As predicted Superman is mid-air ripping apart Black Zero and Superman Jr. but Putin figured this and is already down below with some high tech Russian science gear doing something to his black kryptonite….?????....

Silver Surfer, with Red She Hulk riding shotgun on his board have joined up with the now triple ring Sinestro to, in Sinestro’s words: “finish the Horsemen once and for all”. The three of them fly by Optimus Prime and with four massive blasts of energy (green, yellow, indigo, and silver-cosmic) they quickly accomplish what Victory Saber could not and obliterate Optimus Prime. The three of them are then met by a pretty bada** Horsemen trio. Batman, Wonder Woman, and Havoc are fully prepared for them as The Surfer and Sinestro swoop in with Red She Hulk leaping off the board. This pitched battle begins with a vengeance, but does not end quickly, so we will revisit it soon…..

Achilles and Lady Deadpool fight with such grace that Achilles cannot tell if he is angered or in love. Their evenly matched swords clash gracefully, as Achilles knocks loose the sword of Lady Deadpool and then thrusts his own into her gut. Achilles begins walking away, as Lady Deadpool’s healing factor begins to work rapidly. She reaches for her gun and sword as Achilles has his back turned. She says to him: “Hey Achilles, I’m surprised to see you walking away. Do you know why most Greeks never leave home”?? Achilles does not answer, but turns around in shock as he thought his opponent dead. Lady Deadpool answers her own question: “Because they can’t leave their little brother’s behind….. Get it” She says as she blasts apart Achilles’ ankles and knees from her laying down position and then swiftly pops up and finishes his with her swords.

Putin attempt to rendezvous with the power-hungry and corrupt Superman. This shouldn’t be a problem, since they are in Chicago. So, two power hungry and corrupt people should just be able to meet up at any diner, bar, or city building in the city. Although before Putin can meet up with the man of steel Superman first kills his own teammate Havoc after first absorbing some of his solar energy; but as if to show that nothing controls him, then rips through the body of Black Zarak, destroying both him and his partner Guardminder. Putin is greatly disappointed by this bit of collateral damage done by Superman; but he knows it will be more than acceptable should his plan work. Superman lands in front of Putin, with the intention of destroying his “creator”, but he is completely surprised to see that Putin has now pulled out a piece of green Kryptonite. What has happened, is Putin has flash frozen his black kryptonite, to revert it back to its original green form. Superman falls to his knees, regaining his morality as Putin pulls out a pistol, shoots he weakened Superman in the middle of his back where he can’t reach the wound and then violently sticks the kryptonite into the wound. As Putin leaves the crippled man of Steel to die, he says in broken English: “I topple nations in spare time, you my comrade at the end of the day are just another man. Goodbye”. Putin walks away slowly as Superman dies in agony.

What is left of the two teams begin to move towards the three on two fight in the center of the city. Putin hangs back in the shadows, but Lady Deadpool rushes in to join up with Silver Surfer, Red She Hulk, and Sinestro. While Kenobi, Poteracki, and McLane rush in to help out Batman and Wonder Woman. Unfortunately, for The Horsemen; most of whom don’t even know that champion Superman is already dead are on the losing end of this fight by the time the reinforcements show up. Batman may have superior melee skills, but he comes up short against the sheer brute force of Red She Hulk, who cracks his neck. Wonder Woman then finds herself surrounded by powerful foes as she has to stop focusing on Silver Surfer to avenge Batman by putting Red She Hulk in a headlock that ends with her not getting angrier but just simply not breathing. Wonder Woman then rips Batman’s utility belt off of his dead body and hits the emergency activation switch to trigger everything. She launches it at the area in which Sinestro and Lady Deadpool are congregating but Sinestro flies away in evasion. Lady Deadpool catches the brunt of it as she is blown to pieces. The Silver Surfer spins around on his board in mid-air and begins to fly back towards Wonder Woman, but before he does McLane unloads his Beretta on The Surfer who pays no mind as every bullet bounces off or materializes. The Surfer then flies low and cracks McLane in the head with his board knocking him to the ground. McLane is totally shaken as he checks his empty clip. He sees that there is one round in the chamber, but before he can waste it on Silver Surfer he is hit in the head by the spinning board again this time really blacking him out. Wonder Woman get tired of this all and flies up to the Surfer and grabs him in a bear hug. She exerts her full strength on The Surfer, as she overpowers him cracking his neck, but in so doing she releases his full potential of cosmic energy, causing them to join each other in death. Putin sits back, waiting, seeing that The Horsemen are nearly destroyed, as Green Lantern Ryan Poteracki takes flight and valiantly attacks Sinestro. Ryan fights hard, but is simply mismatched by the much more experienced, and for now triple-lantern-ringed Sinestro. Sinestro captures him in a binding of yellow energy and takes Poteracki high into the atmosphere. Sinestro assures him that the if it were not for the league’s manipulation that no person on Oa would have ever allowed him to be a green lantern, for he does not possess the will and that he “SINESTRO” can most certainly taste his fear. Sinestro then blasts the right hand off of Ryan, destroying his ring, and allowing him to simply free fall to his death. Sinestro then races back to the surface as his rings tell him that McLane will most certainly die from his wounds, but that he still must be exterminated for the match to be technically over. But much more importantly he must still take out Kenobi. Putin, again; sits back as he watches Sinestro fly down and unleash the full power of his three rings on Kenobi, the last standing Horsemen. It matters very little to Vladimir that while Kenobi’s imminent death is transpiring that the Jedi master valiantly leaps up and beheads Sinestro with his lightsaber, causing them to join each other in death. Putin, did not design it that way, but he has no problem being the sole survivor in the destruction of The Horsemen. Sinestro’s rings scatter as his and Kenobi’s limp bodies fall to the surface. The yellow and Indigo rings fly far off planet to other areas of the Milky Way. While McLane gets a second of clarity. John McLane is more than half dead when he comes to for a second, still gripping his Beretta. He spits blood out of his mouth while he mutters to himself F*&^*in Commie B**(&&ard, while lifting his left hand and puts his last bullet right between Putin’s eyes. Sinestro’s (actually Kyle Rayner’s) green ring does not go far, but instead out of anyone in the galaxy chooses the one it sees fit to bear the mantle of green lantern of sector 2814. The ring finds the one handed Ryan Poteracki and latches onto his toe to save him from going head first into the concrete. Ryan has no idea what is going on except he knows that….