Season 5, Week 8: Xavier's Annihilation Squad vs. Layander's Super Kitties

“The seaweed is always greener / In somebody else's lake / You dream about going up there / But that is a big mistake / Just look at the world around you / Right here on the ocean floor / Such wonderful things around you / What more is you lookin' for? / Under the sea / Under the sea / Darlin', it's better / Down where it's wetter / Take it from me / Up on the shore they work all day / Out in the sun they slave away / While we devotin' / Full time to floating / Under the sea!”

 -Sebastian the Crab

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 7 Match located in the “Water”.  They are as follows:

Xavier's Annihilation Squad: Ariel, Sebastian the crab, The Kraken, Davey Jones and Flying Dutchman pirates #1-5 on Flying Dutchman, Barbosa, Black Pearl pirates #1-5 on Black Pearl, Attuma, Nagal, Orka, Pirahna, Sea Urchin, Tiger Shark, Ninja pirates #1, #2 and #5, Captain John Price, Sergeant Derek "Frost" Westbrook, Captain John "Soap" Mactavish, Sergeant Marcus Burns and Yuri  Petrenko in a swift boat. 

Layanders Super Kitties: Captain Nathan Bridger, Lucas Wolenczak, Dr. Westphalen, Commander John Ford, Lt. Benjamin Krieg, Chief Manilow Crocker, Tim O'Neill, Lt. James Brady, Dagwood, Anthony Pickolo, and Smurf #7 in The Seaquest, Darwin the Dolphin, Seaworm #7 and 8, Patrick Star, Mr. Eugene H. Krabs, Black Lantern Hydro-Man, Brachiosaurus #10, Sharkticon #21-26, (Kingdom Come) Aquaman, Mogwai #2, Green Arrow and Black Canary in a hovercraft, Sonja the Hedgehog with a Yoshi Egg.

Let the battle begin. . .

Ariel swims through the water while Sebastian the Crab hangs onto her shoulder.

Sebastian:  Ariel, you must use your wiles.

Ariel:  But Sebastian my wiles are for Eric.  I truly want to be a part of their world.

Sebastian:  Listen b#tch, we’re in my f@%king world now which you are still a part of.  Last time I checked you have a tail!  Just do it!

Ariel hesitantly swims over to the Seaquest.  She enters into the vessel’s main holding area and begins to sing her beautiful song.  She lures Lucas Wolenczak to her and hypnotizes him with her mermaid’s song.  Wolenczak picks up a wrench and screwdriver from the utility closet and in a trance, walks toward the bridge.  Chief Manilow Crocker waves an acknowledgement toward Wolenczak in the hallway and meets his fate as Wolenczak takes the wrench and crushes Crocker’s skull.   Wolenczak begins to pass by Tim O’Neill.  Wolenczak then turns around and from behind, shoves the screwdriver through O’Neill’s eye and into his brain.  Wolenczak reaches the bridge where the remaining crew members look for the enemy.  Wolenczak stands next to Captain Nathan Bridger and rips off the “self-destruct” key from his neck.  The young computer genius enters the key into the system and types the code.  A shocked Bridger pulls out a gun and shoots Wolenczak in the chest.  Wolenczak falls to the ground and the captain rushes over to his special friend.  Bridger cradles Wolenczak’s head. 

Bridger:  Why Lucas?

Wolenczak:  For love.

Bridger:  I thought you loved me Lucas.  I thought you loved me.

Lucas dies in Bridger’s arms. 

Smurf #7:  COME ONE!!!

Bridger snaps out of it and rises.  The captain joins the rest of his crew as they run to the hull for their vessels.  The nuclear implosion suffered by the Seaquest not only destroys the vessel, but kills Seaworm #8, which was swimming too close to the submarine.  The remaining crewmembers shoot to safety in their respective submersibles. 

On the surface, the Call of Duty crew rides on their swift boat.  The immense Brachiosaurus #10 rises in front of them.  The 85 foot sauropod churns the waters around the boat and the sheer size of the beast almost capsizes the craft.  Nonetheless, the Call of Duty combatants are skilled and ready for any dinosaur. They unload their weapons into the dinosaur and kill it.  Green Arrow and Black Canary race by in their hovercraft.  Green Arrow’s well placed arrow slices through Yuri Petrenko’s neck and kills him.  He then fires an explosive arrow which rips the craft apart.  As the Call of Duty shooters, in various stages of death, fly through the air, Black Canary unleashes the full extent of her “Canary Cry” and shreds the C.O.D. crew.  As Black Canary and Green Arrow survey the destruction of the craft and the bodies of Price, Westbrook, Mactavish, Burns and Petrenko, Attuma’s Deep Six Team bursts from the water and kills the heroic duo.  Orka opens his mouth and out come Mogwai #2 and Sonja the Hedgehog.  The two characters hop on the craft formerly driven by Green Arrow and Black Canary. 

Patrick Star and Eugene H. Krabs ride on Darwin (who is extremely agitated at the destruction of the Seaquest).  The SpongeBob compatriots see Ariel and Sebastian.  Darwin races toward Sebastian and crushes the crustacean in its teeth.  Patrick and Mr. Krabs are killed by Ariel, avenging her comrade’s death.  Darwin punches Ariel in the stomach with his snout and as Ariel regains her wind, she turns around to see Kingdom Come Aquaman.  Ariel is skewered by Aquaman’s trident. 

Aquaman:  Hope that hurt, you c@nt. 

The surviving Seaquest crew, all in their single-man crafts, hears the echoing of an immense beast.  Before any can react, the Kraken rips all of the vessels and their inhabitants apart.  Thus, Bridger, Westphalen, Ford, Krieg, Brady, Dagwood and Pickolo are all killed.  Smurf #7 escapes.  

The hovercraft containing Mogwai #2 and Sonja rides along the waves and nears the two Squad pirate ships.  Smurf #7 climbs aboard.

Smurf #7:  Let’s get this party smurfed!

Mogwai jumps into the water and instantly bursts into nearly one hundred of the gremlin beasts.  The gremlins are about to storm the Black Pearl when the Kraken’s maw opens up and swallows them all, including original Mogwai #2.   Sonja the Hedgehog cracks the Yoshi egg open and instead of Yoshi, another Mogwai comes from the shell and enters the fray.  The creature, like its brother from before, jumps into the water, creating a band of Gremlins. As the Kraken is about to swallow the next set of monsters, Seaworm #7 swims to the scene.  The monstrosities battle one another.  Sharkticons #21-26 also arrive at the skirmish.  Due to the wrapping of tentacles and sinew, the Transformer sharks are not particular about which flesh they are ripping.   In the end, neither the Kraken, nor Seaworm #7 survive; also destroyed are Sharkticons #21, 24-26.

The Gremlins storm both the Flying Dutchman and Black Pearl.  They manage to kill Black Pearl Pirates #1-5 and Flying Dutchman Pirates #1-5, but are soon decimated by Davey Jones, Barbosa, Ninja Pirates #1, 2 and 5, as well as Attuma’s Deep Six, who split off into two splinter groups, one on each ship. 

Ninja Pirates #1, 2 and 5 jump down from the ship and onto the craft holding Sonja and Smurf #7.  The spinning, diving and acrobatics overcome the craftmates and both Sonja and Smurf #7 are killed.  Darwin bumps the ship and propels Ninja Pirates #1, 2 and 5 into the water.  They are overcome and drowned by Black Lantern Hydro-Man. 

BL Hydro-Man then focuses on the Attuma Six and manages to kill Sea Urchin.  As BLHM is about to conquer another foe, the voracious Tiger Shark and Pirahna rip off both hands of the black lantern.  BLHM disintegrates into the water as the ring plummets to the water’s depths.   Kingdom Come Aquaman finally enters the melee and jumps onto the deck of the Black Pearl; Barbosa is killed shortly thereafter.  KCA then swings over to the Flying Dutchman and fights Davey Jones.  Jones slashes KCA, but in the end, KCA is victorious and manages to kill the squid-headed pirate. 

An enraged KCA uses his psionic powers to call upon the monsters of the deep.  The beasts swim from the depths and, with the assistance of Sharkticons 22 and 23, savage the Deep Six Members. Attuma, Nagal, Orka, Pirahna and Tiger Shark are killed.  Notwithstanding, they manage to take with them both Sharkticons.  Darwin chatters at the victory (and then is accidentally eaten by one of the monsters called upon by Aquaman).

Season 5, Week 8: Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve vs. Team Sleeping Pussy

“A great day comrades, we sail into history!”

-Marko Aleksandrovich Ramius

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 5, Week 7 Match located in the “Water”.  They are as follows:

Michael Vick's Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve: Gaia, Oceanus, Tethys, Calypso, Tracy Strauss with Demon Rod, Wonder Twin – Zan, Wonder Twin – Jayna, Nerkkod: Breaker of Oceans Merged with Nightsister Sith Witch #1 via hammer, Angir: Breaker of Souls Merged with Beast Man via hammer, Destroyer-class Battleship with: Marko Aleksandrovich Ramius, Navy Seals #45-50, Swift Boat with: Navy Seal Chief #14, Daniel LaRussa with blue lightsaber and green lantern ring, and Young Anakin Skywalker with blue lightsaber and blue lantern ring.

Team Sleeping Pussy: Namor and Griffin, Dolphin, Aspen, Black Manta, Aquagirl, The Sea Captain, Sharkticons #41-46, Female Sentinels #6-7 and Navy Sailors #1-4.

The Kennelz’s swift boat reacts violently to the extremely choppy waves. Navy Seal Chief #14 is familiar with these conditions and stoically steers the craft while Daniel LaRussa and Young Anakin Skywalker (both a little queasy) scout for the enemy. 

Anakin Skywalker:  This is tense!!!

The two ring bearers locate Namor riding his Griffin.  LaRussa and Skywalker take to the skies.  They surround the Submariner and Griffin.  Namor is thrown from his mount due to a well-placed green projectile.  Skywalker and LaRussa capture the Atlantean prince’s steed and raise Griffin from the water.  They then release their colored auras from Griffin and the beast falls.  Before Griffin can reach the waters below, Skywalker and LaRussa use their blue lightsabers to slice the beast apart.  Namor screams, enraged, and dives beneath the waves.  Skywalker and LaRussa scan the area.  Black Manta uses his jet boots and Namor uses his winged feet to burst from the water.  Manta uses his wrist gauntlets to electrocute Skywalker.  Namor handles LaRussa and puts him in a sleeper hold.  As LaRussa begins to pass out, Black Manta’s helmet-eyes produce their energy beams.  LaRussa is blasted.  The two Pussies then dive back into the water and flip the swift boat over.  Navy Seal Chief #14 is drowned by the enhanced duo. 

Navy Sailors #1-4 and the Sea Captain ride on the metallic hides of Sharkticons #41-45.  They all land on the Destroyer-class battleship, which is commanded by Marko Aleksandrovich Ramius.  The debonair Russian captain is flanked by Navy Seals #45-50.  The Navy members battle one another to the tune of The Village People’s “In the Navy” which inexplicably plays through the ship’s p.a. system.  Eventually, Navy Seals #45-50 kill Navy Sailors #1-4.  It is only a short time after though before Navy Seals #45-50 are ripped apart by the Sharkticons.  Ramius sees that his ship will be overtaken and begins the process of attempting to escape.  Ramius decides that this match does not warrant him “going down with the ship.”  The Sea Captain blocks Ramius. 

The Sea Captain:  You are an embarrassment!

Ramius:  I may be my friend, but you are a Pussy!

The Sea Captain:  As a matter of fact, I am!

The Russian and Black Freighter obsessed mariners fight to the death.  The Sea Captain comes out on top; Ramius is killed. 

The aquatic Titaness Tethys joins forces with her brother-Titan, Oceanus, to flood the Battleship.  The Sea Captain, unlike Ramius, valiantly goes down with the ship.  Gaia then joins her godlike teammates and floats before the robotic force of Team SP. 

Gaia:  We are gods!!!!  You will show us. . .

Before Gaia can finish her sentence, she is set upon by Sharkticons #41-45 and Female Sentinels #6 and 7.  The titans are ripped apart since the robots do not care about the aristocratic standings of their enemy within this match.  Although Gaia, Tethys and Oceanus are killed in the melee, so are Sharkticons #42, 45 and Female Sentinel #6.   

Tracy Strauss freezes an area of water to create a singular flotilla.  She then uses her powers to freeze Sharkticon #43 in place.  Before the Transformer is destroyed, Female Sentinel #7 heats the ice and frees the metallic shark.  While this occurs, Aquagirl jumps out of the water and reaches Strauss.  Strauss reacts in time and uses her demon rod to stun Aquagirl.  Before Strauss deals the “death blow,” Dolphin knocks her off guard and Sharkticon #43 takes its revenge by ripping her in half with its jaws.   

Zan and Jayna see the carnage around them. The Wonder Twins touch their hands together. 

Zan and Jaya:  Wonder Twin Powers-Activate. 

Jayna:  Form of. . . a sea monster.

Zan:  Form of. . . an ice vessel.

Jayna (in monster form) is beset upon by Sharkticons #41, 43 and 44 and Female Sentinel #8.  The battle of the behemoths occurs and in the end Jayna is killed.  Nonetheless, she manages to destroy the remaining Sharkticons and Female Sentinel before her death. 

The embodiments of Nerkkod and Agir join Calypso on Zan. Zan is destroyed by the water manipulation abilities of Aspen and the Kennelz fall into the water.  Although taken somewhat off guard at this instance, they are in no way defenseless.

The final battle is furious between the combatants.  Calypso battles Black Manta and Namor.  Although the sea nymph, manages to damage Black Manta’s armor, she falls in battle as she is no match for the combined powers and abilities of both the Submariner and villain.  Beast Man’s power imbibed body manages to kill Black Manta.  Focused on Black Manta, Beast Man is distracted, allowing the trio of Dolphin, Aspen and Aquagirl to take advantage and rip the hammer from him. Beast Man is then killed.  Nightsister Sith Witch #1 uses the power of Nerkkod to rip Dolphin and Aquagirl apart.  Namor reaches NSW1 and hold her as Aspen sucks out the water flowing throughout her body in her blood.  NSW1 dies. 

Season 5 Week 8- Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches vs Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers

Griffin's Dope Fiends:
Poseidon
Triton
Opee Sea killer #9 and #10
Sharks w/ freakin laser beams #1-3
Black Lantern Cloverfield Monster
State Farm Agent w/ Legion Flight ring
Sharkticon #11-14

Backyardigans:
Trident,
Naga,
Clawful,
Black Widow Shark,
Abe Sapien,
Lizard,
Mer-Man,
Sharkticons 1,2,31,32;
Sentinels 13, 14;
Hondo Maclean on the Sea Attack (MASK)
Sly Rax on the Pirahna (MASK).

"State Farm, this is Mandy. How may I assist you?"

"Uh, hi. This is Hondo Maclean"

"Hello Mr Maclean! Can I get your policy number?"

"Uh.  .... find.... it... Complaint"

"Sorry Mr Maclean, we've got a bit of a bad connection. Did you say you have a complaint?"

"Yeah. Me and a bunch of my teammates are being attacked by one of your agents!"

"I'm sorry, sir? Attacked? Are you sure?"

"Considering I just saw her fly through the air with a bazooka and blow up my friend and the sea attack, yeah. Attack is a pretty accurate description of what's going on here."

"I see. Well, if I can get your policy information, I may be able to help you."

"Are you serious? You need to verify that I have coverage before you can stop this chick from murdering?"

"I'm afraid so, sir. I've gone into our intradimensional transporter files to see who's recently used a bazooka and it shows that agent B025- Ms Melinda Patterson, is currently on duty for policy holders Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers.  Now, as you know, we at State Farm strive to provide our clients the best possible customer service and since Mr Poteracki's fantasy policy does include our murder waiver, there's not much I can do until I can get a look at what your policy entails. I'm not finding anything under Mclean, is there another name the policy might be under?"

BOOM!

"Mr Maclean? Are you there?"

"I'm coming under fire here! I don't believe this!  Lady, I'm here at Cedar Point in the fi-"

Hondo Maclean's plan to destroy Melinda Patterson by getting her fired comes to an ugly end, as the Sea Attack is destroyed by the black lantern Cloverfield monster. Hondo never did learn the fatal flaw in his scheme. That MASK hasn't had insurance since 1998, and the Backyardigans switch to Geico, where 15 minutes can save you 15%.

Elsewhere across Soak City, things are equally as vicious, the Renegade River is filled with death and destruction as the Black Widow shark has viciously killed ever one of the Sharks with freakin' laser beams, despite the sharks having freakin' laser beams. The Thundercats monster went further up the not so lazy river, looking for more prey, when it came to what it thought to be an odd looking cavern. The Widow Shark discovered much too late, that this was no waterpark attraction, but the enormous mouth of Opee Sea Killer #9, just wedged into the normally family friendly attraction.

Over at the Adventure Cove Floats, both battalions of Sharkticons battle, with none really gaining an advantage. In the Main Stream, the squad of Mer-Man, Lizard and Abe Sapien were a little more successful in killing Opee Sea Killer #10 than their team mate, as the giant creature's plan of just being wedged in and not moving didn't work against beings that could get out of the ride, climb onto the creature and kill it. As the trio rushes over to send the other Sea Killer to a similar fate, they stumble across Trident's corpse, and hear the screams of Naga the latest victim of the Dope Fiends black lantern.

"Later, we'll avenge them later. Strike where we can win." says Abe Sapien. As he continues his march to the Renegade River, B3's Sententiels arrive and begin to blast the giant Cloverfield monster. But unfortunately, they don't have any type of green energy needed to truly destroy the monster and are taken out one by one as the ring reforms the beast.

In the Splash Zone, Melinda Patterson is doing her best to avoid Clawful. Her legion flight ring's force field protects her against any attack by Skeletor's henchman, but she can't call any weaponry for herself, as that's against the agent's code. She uses the various water cannons and other gadgets to spray and soak Clawful, but it does no good. She flies above the water park and resorts to prayer.

"Oh great and powerful Poseidon, hear my words. Assist me in my darkest hour."

"Save your words, child. I am here" rumbles Poseidon as he appears out of Lake Erie. 

"Oh great lord of the sea, please. We desperately need to win here so we can make a run at the play offs. Can you help?"

"A chance at glory? Of course! Come, Triton. Let us finish this battle" exclaims the sea god.

The remaining Backyardigans stand not chance against the Dope Fiends. Clawful is eviscerated on Posidon's mighty trident, Triton calls for an EMP bomb from Ms Patterson, and uses it to fry every Sharkticon's brain and render them inert. Even the Lizard, Abe Sapien and Mer-Man find their fates.

"Well done crew, well done. Now. Who wants ice cream???" exclaims Poseidon.

"Me, me, me!!" cries Triton.

"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there, With an appetite!!" exclaims Melinda

The Dope Fiends all share a hearty chuckle and head off to Dippin' Dots to celebrate their win.

FFL "Spoiler Sport"- Week 7 Wrap Up

As the divisional play continues, this is "Spoiler Sport" on ESPN eight-The Ocho! I'm Cotton McKnight. Let's see what people got for waking up in Vegas.


Lady Luck continues to smile upon the Commandos, as they continue their impressive undefeated streak against the equally mind boggling losing streak of the Tijuana Taco Benders. The Taco Benders have yet to garner a win this season, and their chances are looking stiff as they face George Washington's Slaves. However, the Slaves are coming off a heartbreaking  Vegas loss to The Transfoamers, so the Benders may break the streak yet.

Looking elsewhere across the league, The mighty Horsemen of the Apokolips made good on their threats to crush Logical Genocide to maintain a grip on second place in the Steven Spielberg division. The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets continues to have a one game lead on the Horsemen, but that lead could fade as the Midgets suffered a handy defeat at the hands of L.G. to kick off this week's aquatic action. The Horsemen just need to bring the same intensity they brought to their Vegas fight as they hit the waves against Better Than All of You.

Over in the Stan Lee conference, it looks like Beckerman's Backyardigan Beeyatches have locked themselves into a play off berth by squeaking by Brock Samson's Fighting Murderflies. The newest darling tag team of the FFL, Boba Fett and Wolverine, had an extraordinary match securing a victory by eviscerating another season five MVP, Murderfly Teddy Roosevelt.

Things were all blood and roses for the Barckyardigans this week, as not only did B3's Internal Liason and Event Coordinator Hermione Granger suffer her first death, but it was discovered the controversial, beloved Backyardigan Pablo was brutally murdered by the recently deceased Horsemen Ryan Poteracki. There's still been no response from the Commissioner's office to the ghastly murder, but will update you on the situation as soon as anything occurs.

That'll do it for this week. Join us as the week eight's seaside slaughter continues. We've already seen one upset, will there be others? Stay tuned.

I'm Cotton McKnight. Thank you, and good night.

Week 8: Logical Genocide vs The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets

The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets are:
-Qwsp
-Blue Toad
-Yellow Toad
-Titanus
-Kermit the Frog
-Namora
-Namorita
-Charybdis
-Sharkticon #33-40
-Amantia

Logical Genocide is:
Mera w/ red lantern ring
Killer Shark
Siren and Xebel soldiers #1-14
Ion-Kyle Rayner
Guy Gardner:Warrior w/ blue lantern ring
Gremlin #4 "Merv"
Geoff Johns w/ healing gun



“Hey Brett, look at dis new tank ova heah!” said Wayde, co-star of the hit new Animal Planet series “Tanked!”  

“Heeeeey whadda we got in dis sweet tank Wayde?!” said Brett.  

“We got a bunch of beautiful specimens today for dis super sweet tank.  Dis tank is shaped exactly like da Hulk’s colon (after Docta Bannah’s transformation into da big green smashin machine of course!)” Wayde Responded.

“Noooiiiiice!”  Bret replied.  “I really like da scalloped detail in the inner walls of da Sigmoid Colon, this is gonna look great with some salt water fish in heah.  Lets Putem in da tank!”

“Not so fast Bro!  I got an even biggah surprise!”  said Wayde.

With that the miniaturized combatants are unceremoniously dumped into a nearly perfectly, clear acrylic replica of the large intestine of the incredible hulk.  

Titanus bounces clumsily off the top lip of the acrylic tank and falls to the ground and is destroyed,  accidentally stepped on by the Long Island fish tank moguls who are now deciding what kind of coral would best represent digested food.... 
 
Kermit immediately takes charge of the various fungal creatures,  ordering the toad stools to attack.  The colored toads are decimated by the might of Siren and her Xebel soldiers who then move in on the frog.  

“Don’t make me angry” Kermit says. “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
 
At this point, Kermit begins to panic, realizing he has no powers beyond sheer luck and the ability to play a mean banjo.  

The Sharkticons swarm around Kermit to protect the beloved muppet and are successful in killing all of the Xebel soldiers arrayed against them.  Siren was then alone bravely fighting against the robots, their menacing yellow eyes glowing fiercely reflecting off the walls of the tank.   

Siren’s ability to hold off the robots is hampered by Green Lantern Amanita who sneaks up below the woman and uses his ring to batter her while the sharkticons take advantage and start tearing chunks from the woman.   Water becomes cloudy and red with blood and bits of gore.

“NO!” screams Mera, as she throws herself into the battle,  vomiting red rage energy and coating the Amanita and all the Sharkticons in the napalm like substance destroying them utterly.

Namora and Namorita move to combat the enraged queen of Atlantis.

“You claim to be Atlanteans!?” shouts the enraged Mera who is still enraged by Sirens demise. “I’ll tear those ridiculous little wings right off your ankles!”    

Mera is unable to keep up with the sheer speed of the two marvel Atlanteans however,  and they literally tear her apart.

“Alright that’s enough...”  said Qwsp he is just about to step in with his mystical 5th dimension powers when a giant green Anchor crushes him against the acrylic wall of the tank.

“Dude, lets end this...  all this chunky red water... in an acrylic version of the Hulk’s colon?  I’m just...  I’m gettin a little queasy over here....” said Guy  "This is already making me re-think my regular morning Bloody Mary with bacon ritual. "

“Fair enough,” said Kyle.  Who uses the power of Ion combined with Guy's blue ring to destroy the remaining members of the brotherhood.   A giant green flashlight shines blue light into kermit's eyes, he is speared with green energy, helpless in the shine of the light.   A large green submersible forms around Guy and Kyle who unload blue energy torpedoes at Namor and Namorita,  Charybdis bravely dives in front of the torpedoes to save them, they explode, vaporizing the supervillan.  Namor and Namorita square off against the construct which sprouts giant green armatures that sprout horrible hooked blades and begin to spin.   The two remaining brotherhood members are diced into fine chunks by the spinning green blades.  
 

“CUT! Damnit!  None of this is usable!” screamed the Animal Planet production manager.

“This show is supposed to be about two mooks from Long Island who build stupid needlessly complex fish tanks, and you guys deliver me a damned blood bath?! I mean a LITERAL bath in blood!!!!... with KERMIT chunks all over my new shoes!?!  These are Louis Vuitton you primates!!  And nevermind that!!!  How am I ever going to get the Henson company to sign off on this!!!?  Someone tell me?! HUH!?  ANYONE?!!!   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH  F This! I quit!”

and with that, the nameless producer walked off the set, turning off the lights as he went.

Week 8 Schedule

WEEK 8: Water (Divisional Play)
400 Points
Prize: Trident

Horsemen of Apokolips vs Better Than All of You (Griffin)
Brotherhood of Evil Midgets vs Logical Genocide (Goof)
George Washington’s Slaves vs Tijuana Taco Benders (Ryan)
Miley Cyrus and President Barack Obama’s “Best of Both Worlds” Touring Battalion of Commandos vs The Transfoamers (Josh)
TEAM vs Brock Samson’s Fighting Murderflies (Josh)
Beckerman’s Backyardigans Beeyaatches vs Griffin’s High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers (Seeney)
Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve vs Team Sleeping Pussy (Becks)
Layander’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together To Make a New Family vs Xavier’s Annihilation Squad (Becks)

Week 7 Standings

Season Five, Week 7: Layander’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together To Make A New Family vs Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve

Layander’s Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together To Make A New Family are: Monarch, Black Racer, Ravager, Dark Supergirl, Black Lantern Kilowog, Aslan the Lion w/green lantern ring, Emperor Palpatine, Sith Lord #1: Darth Feline, Red Lantern Guy Gardner, Hoist, The Jokester w/ his pet monkey Harley Quinn, Mr. Majestic, White Lantern Batman, (Kingdom Come) Red Robin, Juggernaut, Zombie Mike Sroka, Little Goomba #64, and Queen Frostine w/blue lightsaber.



Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz of Lurve is: The Serpent, Skadi: Herald of the Serpent: Merged w/ Shao Khan, Kuurth: Breaker of Stone: Merged w/ Gimli, Nul: Breaker of Worlds: Merged w/ Beast Wars Megatron, Skirn: Breaker of Men: Merged w/ Princess Leia, Nerkkod: Breaker of Oceans: Merged w/ Nightsister Sith Witch #1, Mokk: Breaker of Faith: Merged w/ Blanka, Greithoth: Breaker of Wills: Merged w/ Marv, Angir: Breaker of Souls: Merged w/ Beast Man, Mandalorian Justin Oblak w/Gears of War Lancer, Matrix Twins #1 w/Green Lightsaber, Matrix Twins #2 w/Green Lightsaber, Movie Scorponok, Black Bolt w/Mace Windu’s Purple Lightsaber & Green Lantern Ring, Steel Superman w/Blue Lantern Ring, Mike Vick w/FLASH Rocket Launcher, and Zombie Mr T.



Ahhhhhh… See now this is how I should have been watching all this season’s matches to begin with. Sitting here in the Mandalay Bay Sportsbook with a nice chilled glass of Red Stag Whiskey and I’m just about to fire up a beautiful looking Fuente Fuente OpusX Perfecxion #2. As I take a long draw from my cigar I look up and notice the two members of the opposing teams are actually in line waiting to place bets. The Mike duo, Zombie Sroka and Vick, are in separate lines luckily, as I do not feel like dealing with anyone upsetting my wonderful evening here. They both place their bets and take a seat far away from each other. Now, of course, I too have already placed several bets on this upcoming match. What? I’m not a referee, nor an active combatant. So what if I place a few wagers?! Oh get off your high horse.



Alright, the match is getting under way now. As the battle begins, the sportsbook quickly begins to fill up. The concept of legalizing gambling for the FFL was a stroke of pure genius on the part of the Commissioner. The various televisions that spread across the wall feature different battles that are taking place all around Las Vegas.



Television #1: White Lantern Batman and Kingdom Come Red Robin find themselves in a vicious battle with Black Bolt and Mandalorian Justin Oblak inside Planet Hollywood. The two ring-slingers are actually not really using much of their rings’ powers, but rather in just a knock down drag out fight. Mandalorian Justin Oblak takes to the air via his rocket pack and fires his Gears of War Lancer at KC Red Robin, who leaps behind a row of slot machines. Sparks go flying as the slot machines are ripped apart by the gun fire. Justin then rockets back down and tackles KC Red Robin onto a craps table. Robin kicks him off, but Oblak leaps back to his feet as they engage each other in the “Pleasure Pit.” KC Red Robin uses the stripper pole as leverage and swings around, kicking Justin square in the head and knocking his helmet clean off. This dazes the Mandalorian for a moment, but to buy himself some time, he grabs a stack of casino chips and whips them at KC Red Robin. This allows him to regain his footing and blast KC Red Robin clean in two with his lancer. He then looks over to the escalators that lead up to the Mezzanine and sees White Lantern Batman knock Black Bolt down to the main floor. Black Bolt retaliates by coupling his sonic scream with his Green Lantern ring. The blast blows White Lantern Batman back into the restaurant, Strip House, which is located up in the Mezzanine. Black Bolt flies up there and finishes him off with his purple lightsaber.



As they leave, Justin turns to Black Bolt and says, “Pfft. F’n White Lantern.” This actually makes the normally solemn Black Bolt crack a smirk.



Sweet! I actually had the Kennelz winning that match up. Too bad so did Mandalay Bay, they were the favorites and I only won $3.00 off of it. The cashier even tried to tell me that the bet wasn’t really worth it considering who was combating. Oh cool, they’ve got the Worthy up on the big screen. I’ve got big money on those hammer wielding pussies getting taken out by my girl Dark Supergirl.



Television #2: Dark Supergirl and Skirn/Princess Leia have already leveled much of what was once Paris as Juggernaut deals with Mokk/Blanka in the middle of Las Vegas Blvd. Dark Supergirl is smacked right in the chest by Skirn’s hammer and is sent skipping across the Bellagio’s lake, just as their fountains are starting up. The fountains have been choreographed to “Duel of the Fates” by John Williams.



(I’m kind of bummed that I’m not there to witness it in person, because they have LED lights illuminating the various fountains to mimic lightsaber. But there is NO WAY I’m getting out of this seat, I’m too damn comfortable.)



Juggernaut rips the hammer out of Mokk’s hand and drives it through his chest killing the duo. He then finds himself being attack from behind by Kuurth/Gimli. The Breaker of Stone senses that Juggernaut is the true worthy wielder of his hammer and flees the body of Gimil just as Juggernaut runs him over. Juggernaut looks over at the hammer as it lies on the street and feels an overwhelming sensation to reach down and pick it up. Right as he does so, Kuurth possesses his body and now one of the Super Kitties strongest combatants is now under the control of the Kennelz.



Dark Supergirl goes to fly out of the Bellagio’s lake, but Nerkkod/Nightsister Sith Witch #1 grabs her by the ankle and drags her back down. The cameras don’t really show much and I was busy ordering another drink, but when I looked back, I saw Dark Supergirl tossing the carcass of Nerkkod up onto the street. She then focuses back onto Skirn but is blindsided by her own teammate. Kuurth/Juggernaut smashes her down to the ground with his hammer, bringing it down several more times. The force from the blows causes the windows in the Bellagio, to shatter, as well as most of the ones in Bally’s. Skirn join in and the duo eliminates Dark Supergirl from the battle.



Goddamn it!!! That should be illegal! Dark Supergirl had that fight won! I’m filing a petition with the Commissioner tomorrow. Kuurth shouldn’t have been able to do that with the Juggernaut. *sigh* Ok, lets see what else is going on. Alright, here we go.



Television #3: Emperor Palpatine and his new apprentice, Darth Feline, are squaring off against the Matrix Twins over in Caesar’s Palace. The twins draw both of their lightsabers and attack the Sith Lords. Palpatine has taught Darth Feline well in their short time together. She hit Matrix Twin #1 with a massive bolt of Sith Lightning which fries the Twin even in his ghostly state. Palpatine then flips over the blackjack table and drives his red lightsaber into the other twin’s face, thus ending the quickest match up yet.



Dang, looks like a lot of people took the Sith to win that one, there is a flood of people going up to the cashiers. Personally, I knew they’d win and the payout just wasn’t there for me. Now Zombie Mr. T battling The Jokester? That’s a match I’ve got some cash on. Where is that fight anyways? Crap it’s all the way over in the corner. I can barely see it. Oh for crying out loud, I missed it. Hey buddy, is that Zombie Mr. T eating the Jokester and his monkey? It is? Arrgh, I lost again too?! Waitress! Yeah, bring me another one. Make it a double. What? Yeah put it on my tab. Ok, back to the action. What else do we have here? Hmmm, this looks promising. Black Lantern Kilowog is way out by the Stratosphere taking on Movie Scorponok and Steel Superman.



Television #4: Black Lantern Kilowog makes extremely quick work of the Decepticon as Steel Superman finds some cover behind the Stratosphere. The former Green Lantern is laying waste to everything around him, but he is then hit from behind by a stream of green energy. Black Bolt arrives and lends a hand to Steel Superman. The two of them hit the Black Lantern with a combination of Blue and Green energy that incinerates Kilowog, sending him back to the Graveyard. They are then attacked by Aslan the Lion and Mr. Majestic. Aslan attacks Steel Superman, whose Blue Lantern ring is actually super-charging Aslan’s Green Lantern Ring as Mr. Majestic knocks Black Bolt into the Stratosphere, causing to come crashing down. The Superman wannabe takes on last year’s Universe Bowl MVP and is doing quite a good job at it too. He picks the Inhumans’ King and launches him all the way down the strip to the Mirage. He crashes into the faux volcanoes, but survives the attack. The Kherubim Lord’s massive ego then gets the better of him as he arrogantly stands before Black Bolt who is down to a knee. Black Bolt uses his Green Lantern ring to hold Mr. Majestic in place and pulls him close. He then uses his powers to explode Mr. Majestic’s head by screaming directly into his ear.



As Black Bolt drops the Kherubim to the ground, he sees Aslan the Lion eating the intestines of Steel Superman. He tries to stop Aslan, but is attacked by yet another member of the Super Kitties, the Black Racer. This time, Black Bolt’s winning streak comes to an end in Vegas, as Black Racer with but a touch kills the Inhuman.



Well that didn’t bode well for the majority of people in this sportsbook. Looks like pretty much everyone had Black Bolt surviving here. Hmmm… well almost everyone. Zombie Mike Sroka is stumbling over to the cashier’s counter and appears to have won a hefty sum off of this death. And now it appears to be the main event. It looks like everyone from both teams is converging on the MGM Grand. Monarch is standing high above the Strip, perched up on top of the MGM Lion (which bears a striking resemblance to Aslan if I do say so). But yet even higher up, The Serpent, along with his herald Skadi/Shao Khan stands atop of the hotel/casino itself. Ravager and Hoist are ripped apart rather viciously by Nul/Beast Wars Megatron as Queen Frostine tries to attack Angir/Beast Man and fails, even though this is her final outing. The Breaker of Souls grabs a hold of her and ferociously bites her head off.



Skirn is knocked off of her feet by a green energy blast from Aslan as he flies into the fray. The two tangle as Red Lantern Guy Gardner spews red rage energy all over Greithoth/Marv. Guy then couples his red rage with a blast of green energy powered by pure will. This however is actually quite counterproductive as the Breaker of Wills smashes through the energy with his hammer and then brings it down on Gardner, crushing his skull. Greithoth then sees that Skirn is actually being overwhelmed by the Christ allegory. The Breaker of Wills steps in front of the green energy blast and begins to walk closer and closer to Aslan. The lion intensifies is attack on Greithoth, and there is a massive explosion of green energy that bursts through the battlefield. Once the green vapors dissipate, the only sign of either combatant is the charred hammer of Greithoth.



Emperor Palpatine and Darth Feline begin to make their ascent to the roof of the MGM Grand, where The Serpent is overlooking the battle. Darth Feline wastes no time and lunges at Skadi as the Emperor and the Serpent start to circle each other. Sparks fly as the Sith Lord’s lightsaber clashes with Skadi’s hammer. Palpatine moves much quicker than the older brother of Odin was expecting and hits him with a powerful blast of Sith Lightning, as well as driving his lightsaber directly into the chest of Cul.



The crowd here in the sportsbook is split about 50/50 with this battle. There were quite a few groans as well as cheers when Palpatine hit this move. Anyways back to the fight. Hey waitress. Yeah of course another one.



The Serpent looks down at the lightsaber sticking out of his chest. He then looks Palpatine in the eye and begins to laugh. The laugh grows louder and louder as the Serpent pulls the lightsaber out of his chest and strikes Palpatine down with his own weapon. This action breaks Darth Feline’s focus from Skadi, which proves fatal. The evil Asgardian gods defeat the Sith Lords as the match wages on.



Black Racer streaks through the air and without hesitation, destroys Zombie Mr. T as he munches on Little Goomba #64. As he rips through the air, he is thrown from his skis as Nul grabs a hold of them and fires Black Racer to the ground. Angir then leaps on top of him and violently claws his back apart.



Monarch then surveys the scene and sees that other than Juggernaut, who is currently under the control of Kuurth, he is the last member of the Super Kitties. He makes is stand known and vaporizes Kurrth/Juggernaut with a powerful energy blast. Mandalorian Justin Oblak then flies up to Monarch, takes his helmet off and spits right in Monarch’s face. Not entirely sure what happened to Justin after that, because the instant after that, there was just a cloud of pink mist in front of Monarch. Monarch then leapt off of the MGM Grand Lion and thoroughly destroyed Angir. He then finds himself surrounded by The Serpent and the rest of the Worthy. Monarch tries to defeat them all, but is overwhelmed by their sheer might.



Ah damn it. I knew this was going to happen. Guys would you knock it off. Hey!! I said stop! Ok, well I guess this is part of the fight. Zombie Mike Sroka tried to take a bite out of one of the ho’s Michael Vick had brought into this sportsbook and Vick wasn’t too pleased with it. Vick fires his rocket launcher which destroys half of the televisions. And let me tell you, this crowd did NOT appreciate that. Zombie Sroka stammers towards him, but is blown apart by another rocket. Vick however is then quickly escorted out of the casino for causing such a scene. Well that was a pretty enjoyable day. I think I’m gonna continue hanging out here and watch a couple more of these battles. And by watch, I mean heavily bet on. Let’s see here, ok, can I get $100 on Logical Genocide and $300 on the Commandos. What do you mean they’re all over? It’s Saturday. It’s not? What day is it? MONDAY?!?! Are you kidding me? Wow.

B3 Press Conference: Pablo's Murder Solved

I am Darth Vader.  At this time I would like to disclose the results of laboratory tests associated with the murder of Pablo.  The initial diagnostic analysis of the scene evidenced DNA from a member of the Poteracki family.  This information was provided to you all during our last press conference.  New information has come to light pursuant to the allele investigation.  The inquiry provides with a 99.6 percent accuracy, that RYAN POTERACKI is the murderer of Pablo. 

Please.  PLEASE.  PLEASE!  Let me finish.  Let me finish.

It is clear to all in this league that the vitriolic rhetoric spewed by Mr. Poteracki toward Pablo was always existent.  If you notice, Poteracki’s hatred for our beloved penguin clearly became more prevalent as the years went on.  In fact, various comments can be researched indicating Poteracki’s relish of an opportunity to “kill that penguin.”  We never thought that the words of this individual would equate to such violent and reprehensible actions.  For that, we will always regret the fact that he was not confronted sooner.    

Unfortunately for our team, Ryan Poteracki has already met his demise in an earlier match this year, and thus, justice will never truly be obtained.  Certain members of our B3 family have requested from the Commissioner that Mr. Poteracki’s corpse be exhumed and delivered to the B3 compound for various means of defiling.  The Commissioner has unofficially responded to this request, which we respectfully honor, and stated that he shall stand for necrophilia only during matches. 

At this time, we will wait for the Commissioner’s official response to the murder of our teammate. . . friend. . . and loved one, Pablo.

Pablo, Rest In Peace.  Thank you.

George Washington's Slaves vs The Transfoamers

George Washington's Slaves: Crocodile Dundee, Gizmo, Ass Blaster #1, Ass Blaster #2 , Ass Blaster #3 Sgt. Slaughter (9 deaths), Red Dog, Mercer , Taurus, Bebop, Rocksteady, Bender B. Rodriguez w/Flamethrower, Simon Phoenix w/M202A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher, Patriclus w/Atlas Axe, Halberd, Zack Morris w/Laser Sword, A.C. Slater w/Laser Gun, Iron Man Suit, Samuel "Screech" Powers w/Mithril Vest, Jessie Spano, Lisa Turtle w/Pokeball, Kelly Kapowski w/Starwand, The Protectabots: Hot Spot First Aid, Grooves, Blades, Streetwise, Sonny Chiba w/Red Lightsaber, Jabba The Hutt, Gollum Gonzo the Great, Kamilla the Chicken, Sgt. Marcus Fenix, Dominic Santiago, Augustus "Cole Train" Cole Damon Baird, Taki, Zorak, Stinkor, Barney Fife, Sheriff Andy Taylor, Rocky Balboa, Tony the Tiger, and Blurr


The Transfoamers: Vehicle Voltron-Air Team; Commander Jeff, Rocky, Wolo, Chip, and Ginger, Vehicle Voltron-Land Team; Commander Cliff, Cinda, Madck, Marvin, and Hutch, CIA Officer Bryan Mills, The Losers; Aisha, Clay, Jenson, Pooch, Roque, Cougar, The Expendables; Barney Ross, Lee Christmas, Yin Yang, Gunnar Jonson, Toll Road, Hale Cesar, and Tool, Major William Lennox, Chief Master Sargent Robert Epps, ACWO Jorge Figeroa, First Sargent Donnely, James Hetfield w/Darth Bane's Red Lightsaber Lars Ulrich w/AtlasKirk Hammett w/Heat Axe, Jason Newstead w/Halbeard, Jedi Master #9, Jedi Master #34Jedi Master #35 w/Mithrill Vest, Star Sapphire Ring, Movie Wreckers; Leadfoot, Roadbuster, and Topspin, Movie Shockwave & Driller, Movie Dreads; Crankcase, Crowbar, and Hatchet, and Evil-Lyn

The Transfoamers locker room 20 minutes before match…. Barney Ross: We’ve been pushed around pretty bad this season, but this week we push back. My boys and I did a little recon, turns out the slaves like to drink. They are gana be held up at the bar at Circus Circus. They have no respect for us and well use that against them. The keys to victory are takin out a man named Simon Phoenix and one A.C. Slater. 20 Minutes after the official start of this weeks match between The Foamers and The Slaves, The Foamers are no shows and The Slaves are all half in the bag. Simon Phoenix is walking around mingling with his team. Once he comes face to face with Rocky Balboa, a fight breaks out between the two. That’s when the Foamers rush the building. Barney Ross leads his team of Expendables towards Simon Phoenix, Panicking over the fact that he is being attacked by two different versions of his arch nemesis, Phoenix Fires his Rocket launcher wildly into the crowd. Members of both teams are killed and every surviving non armored human is stunned by the blast Elsewhere the transformers are outside doing battle. The Protectabots, Blurr, and A.C. Slater are going back and forth with Movie Leadfoot, Roadbuster, and Topspin, Movie Shockwave & Driller, Movie Crankcase, Crowbar, and Hatchet. The Movie Transformers quickly gain the upper hand over their elders. Slater tries to fly away after he realizes he’s got no chance, but is snatched out of the sky by movie shockwave. Shockwave removed the iron man suit much like you would open a peanut and then squished its contents. Back inside the casino everyone is starting to come around. A few of the Foamers have been taken prisoner. The remaining Expendables step up to take care of the rescue mission, but CIA Officer Bryan Mills assures them that he is much more suited for the job. Using his particular set of skills Officer Mills figures they have taken over the third floor of the hotel and that the p.o.w.s are most likely in one of the middle rooms. He takes the elevator to the third floor but stops the elevator midway between two and three. Mills climbs out and pries open the third floor door just enough to further asses the situation. The floor is covered by Sgt. Slaughter (9 deaths), Red Dog, Mercer , Taurus, Bebop, Rocksteady, Zack Morris w/Laser Sword, Samuel "Screech" Powers w/Mithril Vest, Jessie Spano, Lisa Turtle w/Pokeball, and Kelly Kapowski w/Starwand. Each person is covering two separate rooms and they are constantly walking back and forth between them. Officer Mills Times his moves perfectly and gains entry to the third floor, kills Lisa Turtle and Kelly Kapowski, all without being seen. Screech and Jessie Spano are the next to die. Zack Morris is able to scream and alert his teammates before his neck is snapped. Red Dog Rushes the CIA Officer and the two exchange a few punches but Mills pulls a knife from Red Dog’s belt and kills him with it. Mills Then uses Red Dogs Body as a human shield and rushes Mercer. Mercer only manages to graze the Mills before his is disarmed and shot with his own gun. Officer Mills puts the last bullet between Taurus eyes. Sgt. Slaughter Rushes Mills, grabs him in a bear hug, and begins to slam him into and through the walls. Mills lands a few brachial stuns and then a knee to the balls, he jumps on the sergeants back and applies a choke hold. Slaughter defends and throws the CIA Officer off of him. Again Slaughter locks in a bear hug but this time Mills begins to repeatedly head butt him in the nose until finally crushing his skull and sending him to the graveyard. Battered but not beaten, Officer Mills moves to the room holding the p.o.w.s. Jabba the hut has a knife to Evil-Lyns neck. Jabba Begins to say something but Mills picks up an ash tray off the table and launches it at Jabba’s face. This hurts Jabba But definitely doesn’t stop him from cuts Evil-Lyns throat, I guess when it’s not his kid he’s a lot more reckless. Mills then Disarms Jabba and strangles him with a bed sheet. With there teammates safe, The Foamers regroup for another assault. Simon Phoenix is barricaded in the casino with the remaining slaves. Hal Cesar blows open an entry way and the Foamers storm the casino. Gonzo the Great, Kamilla the Chicken, Taki, and Zorak are all blown to pieces by Cesar’s shotgun. Stinkor and Tony the Tiger corner yin yang and rip him to pieces. Gunner Johnson sees this and races over to avenge his friend. Gunner rams his knife threw Tony the Tigers chest and the decapitates Stinkor. Barney Fife creeps up behind the enraged Swede and shoots him in the back of the head. Lee Christmas rewards him for his efforts by holding him down and stomping his head in. Sheriff Andy Taylor tries to help his friend but Christmas knocks him down with a head kick and then finishes the job with punches and elbows. Simon Phoenix again fires his rocket launcher indiscriminating into the crowd, killing members of both teams. Now only Barney Ross and Simon Phoenix are the only people left alive in the room. Simon Phoenix: I’ve already killed you once today Spartan, you know I ed love to do it again. Barney Ross: I don’t know what the hell you talkin about man but I do know that In about thirty seconds it wont matter. The two rush each other, Phoenix Speers Ross to the ground and lands a few punches before getting swept. Ross lands a soccer kick to the head and a few follow up punches but Phoenix just shakes it off. Ross throws another punch but Phoenix catches it and breaks his arm, He then picks him up and breaks his back over his knee. With only enemies left alive in the building The Movie wreckers bring down the house killing everyone inside.

TEAM Vs. Griffin's High Maintenace Dope Fiends and Destroyers

TEAM is Cypher, Astaroth, Nightmare, Hishiro Mitsurugi, Cop-ur, Jedi Knight #38B, 39B, and 40B, Yellow Lantern #3 and 4, Tomoe Gozen, Crasher, Zistar Flamgag, Lightning Mcqueen, Tow Mater, Black Dragon #8, Krayt Dragon #5, Force adept #5, Edward Cullen, Bella Cullen, Leah, Seth, and Cock Sneak Goomba #2 and 3.

Griffin's High Maintenance Dope Fiends and Destroyers are Ron Burgundy (w/ a green lightsaber), Brian Fantana, Brick Tambland (w/ M202 A1 FLASH Rocket Launcher), Champ Kind (w/ a battle ax), Veronica Corningstone, Baxter the dog, Black Lantern Cloverfield Monster, State Farm Agent (w/ a Legion Flight Ring), King Laufey, Frost Giant #1-6, Sandworm #10, Sandworm #2A, Predator #49, Sub-Zero, and Snoopy and Woodstock in an M-1 Abrams Tank.


The bright lights of The Las Vegas Strip look beautiful as they light up the night sky... That is until two giant sandworms come bursting up through the ground and begin laying the entire city to waste. The bright lights, loud noises, and bustling people act like the super-thumper from hell as this place instantly attracts the sandworms to the heart of the city and of the battle. Thousands of on-lookers, vacationers, and gamblers are killed within the first seconds of the match including Cypher, Astaroth, Mitsurugi, Tomoe Gozen, Tow Mater, and Leah from TEAM and Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Veronica Corningstone, and The State Farm Agent from The Dope Fiends. It becomes pretty apparent pretty quick that this match is going to be a quick one and that there isn't anybody who is going to last long with those worms going this crazy. Even in the Arrakis Dunes you can find some semblance of calm in certain areas. Or take solace in the fact that after a sandworm attack the worm will usually retreat to its own territory within a matter of seconds. But these worms are confused and stimulated more than any worm has ever been on the dreary, calm, quiet dunes of their home-world Arrakis. Sub-Zero runs to safety on a small rock-outcropping, but quickly finds that Nightmare has the same idea. The two of them become locked in a game of King of the Mountain over the small area that seems safe from the sandworms for the moment; but even as they lock with each other in combat, they know that they can't stay safe from the worms forever. Sub-Zero just hopes that he can stay alive long enough for the worms to take out all of TEAM so he can transported back to base along with them. Nightmare on the other hand is just hoping that his TEAM bought somebody along that knows how to deal with the worms, because he sure as hell doesn't have a clue as to how to stop them. Nightmare swings his massive sword at the Lin Kui Assassin, but Sub-Zero backflips out of the way. He hits Nightmare with a blast of ice (more like melty water in this Nevada heat). This blasts slows down Nightmare enough to let Sub-Zero slide back in to the skirmish, uppercut the hell out of him and then relieve him of both his head and spine. King Laufey believes that he has a couple of moments to mount an offensive, because he notices that the two sandworms seem to be battling amongst themselves, after totally wiping out the much smaller Krayt Dragon. King Laufey, who in many ways fancies himself the new leader of The Dope Fiends after being the key player in the very controversial (Kingdom Come) Superman trade decides that he is going to take on both Crasher and Cop-Tur on his own to prove not only his worth to his new team but also that he is just as good as the Kryptonian punk he was traded for. Unfortunately, this doesn't get to happen because it is around this time that the much larger Sandworm #10 has killed the younger Sandworm #2A. The dead carcass of the massive worm come down hard from about 300 meters up and lands on top of King Laufey, and his two Go-Bot Opponents. Not to mention Seth and Predator #49 who were locked in a pitched battle (I owe Becks a quarter) on the rubble. Edward and Bella Cullen are sparkling so brightly in the hot Nevada sun that the people around who are actually still alive are violently vomiting due to their extreme gayness (not that being gay is something to vomit over... It's just that being an extremely gay sparkling vampire obviously is). The stomachs of these on-lookers are then saved when Snoopy and Woodstock's tank comes crashing in to them and then a nearby wall which blows up the tank and the drivers. This may have happened due to the nearly impossible to navigate broken terrain, or it may have been because there were two Cock Sneak Goombas on top of the tank attempting to be saboteurs, on the other hand it also could have been because it was a dog and a bird trying to drive a tank... You make the call. The only true skirmish that has been taking place for quite some time without direct sandworm interference, is the battle of very uncommon commons taking place over by what was what Caesar's. The four force-users and 2 yellow lanterns are holding there own against the six frost giants. The Frost Giants may have had an edge due to their size if they weren't sweating their GIANT FROSTY BALLS OFF in this ridiculous heat. One thing you should all know about sandworm attacks that I just figured out the hard way, is don't even bother trying to find a functioning air conditioner after those damn things come rolling through a city. The few things in Vegas that the sandworms and The Krayt Daragon have not destroyed, The Black Lantern Cloverfield Monster seems to have taken care of. Including The Hooters Hotel and more importantly to the match Black Dragon #8 and Lightning Mcqueen. Sandworm #10's next dive back in to what is quickly becoming the Dunes of North America took Yellow Lantern #4 right out of the air and in to the mouth of Shai Halud, before the giant worm consumed Black Lantern Cloverfield. It is tough to say whether the yellow energy of the lantern ring mixed with the power of the water of life is what killed the alien monster or if it was just like my prom date said: and that size does matter. Frost Giant #5 stomps the force adept in to the ground, but Yellow Lantern #3 blasts Frost Giants #1 and 4 with a powerful dose of yellow energy. The 3 Jedis manage to team up and take out two of the frost giants (#2 and 3) but in the end the jedis and their yellow lantern TEAMmate are overtaken by the last two frost giants. They manage to kill #6 with their dying push, leaving only Frost Giant #5 alone in victory. Ron Burgundy looks to Brick and Baxter and says: “Sweet Begonias, what in the name of all that is saucy is going on around here? I can't believe those sandworms we brought caused so much grief. Although, I must say kudos to our front office. I mean not to toot our own trombone, but we were the only team to realize that sandworms would be able to work out here in the middle of the desert, even if there is a city around it “. “Was a city”. Replies Brick. “OOOOOOOHHHHHH HO HO You got that right Brick. Ya know ya got me there. Ya can't argue with the facts. This city looks like a dinosaur's one bedroom apartment, right Baxter?? Oh, wait a second boys... Here comes trouble, get that rocket ready Brick. Let me just turn on Ol' Quinlon Vos's lightsaber here and get ready for the real deal cottonfield”. The Jedi Knight known as Zistar Flamgag is who Ron sees rushing towards them with his lightsaber ignited. Brick misses with his rocket launcher as Flamgag trips over some rubble causing his lightsaber to fly out of his hand. Flamgag hits his head on the ground, but the ignited and spinning lightsaber manages to inflict deadly wounds on both Brick and Burgundy. Brick dies instantly, but Ron survives just for a second to say: “Oh, I have fallen along with my noble comrades. What is a man of such esteem supposed to say or do. How is one such as me meant to die. … and... BLOODY TAMPONS does that hurt. Those lightsabers really do the damn damn damage. AVENGE ME BAXTER”!! With these last words, Baxter the dog begins to run over and attack the fallen Zistar Flamgag just as the last Frost Giant rushes over in an attempt to finish the battle as well. But before the two of them can fight over who get to kill the Jedi, Sandworm #10 raises out of the ground and ensures that...
GRIFFIN'S HIGH MAINTENANCE DOPE FIENDS AND DESTROYERS ARE VICTORIOUS!!

Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies Vs. Beckerman's Backyardigan's Beeyatches

Brock Sampson's Fighting Murderflies are Black Lantern General Grevious, John Moses Browning (w/ mandalorian armor), Moon Knight, Teddy Roosevelt (w/ a green lantern ring), Vincent, Michael Weston (w/ 5N FAL Assault Rifle), Fiona Glenane, Sam Axe (w/ OM 202 1 FLASH Rocket Launcher), Black Lantern Qui Gon Jinn, Raylon Givens, Burt Gummer, Heather Gummer, Zombie Arwen, Steven Segal (w/ the good samaritan), Jay (w/ a flamethrower), Silent Bob (w/ a pokeball), Suzanne, The Sons of Anarchy: Spike, Piermont “Piney” Winston, Quinn, Clarence “Clay” Morrow, Jury, Seamus Ryan, Jackson “Jax” Teller, Needles, Alexander “Tig” Trayer, Kozik, Robert “Bobby Elvis” Munson, Happy, “Big Otto” Delaney, Lenny “The Pimp” Jonowitz, Juan Carlos “Juice” Ortiz, Flip “Chips” Telford, and Harry “Opie” Winston, Oscar the Grouch, Kingpin, Ematajoca (w/ a Sith Lavarouk), Machete, Capt. Marvel II, (movie) Starscream, Squirrel Girl, and Squirrel #1=15.

Beckerman's Backyardigan's: Beeyatches are Wolverine, Boba Fett (w/ double-bladed red lightsaber), Zombie Darth Maul, Oblivion, Black Zarak, The Chaos King, Deathstorm, Peraxxus, The Signalmen #1-4, Tenderheart Bear, Hermione Granger, and Matt Oblak (w/ mandalorian armor and green and blue lightsabers).


It didn't take long for Kingpin and The Sons of Anarchy to come in to Vegas and slice out their own piece of the pie. The Vegas Police have had no success and have basically given up on trying to quell their operation; and “The Sons of Anarchy Casino” has become the hottest new underground facility for the less desirables to desire. The Chaos King, Peraxxus, The Signalmen and and Black Zarak stay outside, while the rest of The Backyardigan Crew led by Hermione Granger (FFL P.R. Coordinator extraordinaire) herself waltz right in to The Murderflies haven of immorality (and fun) just like they own the place. “They claim that we are heavily outnumbered in this match”. Says the feisty and well-prepared Backyardigan Hermione. “Out-numbered, but not outmatched” says Wolverine to the young wizard. With that being said, the entire Sons of Anarchy Crew comes out from behind a cluster of pool tables and slot machines, just like in an old Steven Segal movie; in fact now that I mention it, Segal is in this match and is with them as well. The Backyardigan's trust in their team, but they realize as outnumbered as they are that they can't focus the whole squad in one place. Wolverine turns to Boba Fett and says: “You ready bub”. Boba nods to the mutant, knowing that the two of them are going to have to take on this entire crew alone; while Hermione leads the rest of their team in to another room of the illegal casino to search out further skirmishes. Starscream is patrolling the air around his team's casino when he notices the members of B3 that have stayed outside. He radios in for some back-up, and decides to take on the threat now, while they have the man-power to do so. Kingpin decides to send out Black Lantern Grevious, Zombie Arwen, Capt. Marvel, and The Bull Moose outside to help Starscream. While Starscream and his back-up mount an attack against The Chaos King and his squad of “dudes who were to big to go in to the casino” and Wolverine and Boba Fett are busy with The Sons of Anarchy Bikers; there is plenty of other action taking place simultaneousely. Black Lantern Qui Gon and Zombie Darth Maul have continued the feud they had in life in to death and are locked in a black lantern construct saber/double-bladed rusty red lightsaber battle. The two undeaded force-users move swiftly against one another as they jump from the tops of craps tables to poker table to bar tops. Although Master Jinn has retained more of his wisdom and intelligence in his black lantern form than Lord Maul has in his zombie form, it wasn't exactly intelligence and wisdom that won Maul the fight the first time around either. Maul manages to pop up Qui Gon's construct saber and get underneath it with his own to destroy him much like he did the first time these two met. Oblivion feels strange going up against the team that originally drafted (the regular) Kyle Rayner in round three of the Season One Draft (**Guy Gardner and G' Nort were first and Howard the Duck was second). But the strange feeling only helps fuel his evil side as he rips through the conventional weaponry of Burt and Heather Grummer, before they even have time to blame the democrats for their plight and then sends a green construct of a machete through Machete. Raylon Givens puts up very little resistance to the powers of Deathstorm, and although Vincent nearly uses his ability to be one of the coolest movie characters ever against Deathstorm; while he is attempting to put two bullets in his chest and one in his head, it still is not enough to take out the dead version of Firestorm (who was acquired earlier this year in a multi-character trade involving Darth Talon with The Brotherhood of Evil Midgets earlier this season). In the ally behind the casino Oscar the Grouch and Tenderheart Bear are locked in an amazing deathmatch, while Matt Oblak is in the heart of the casino winning more money at the Black Jack Table than Al Gore at a Chinese Millionaire Convention. Hermione walks up to Matt and says: “What in the bloody hell is going on here Matt? Get your head in the game, we have a match to win”. “Don't worry about me sweetheart” Matt says arrogantly as he holds up a giant garbage bag full of fifteen dead squirrels and then nudges the severed head of Squirrel Girl with his bloodied Mandalorian Foot Gear. Hermione's frown turns in to a smile as she says: “Damn your good Oblak”. The two of them both slam free Gin and Tonics and start furiously making out with one another. The jump on to the Black Jack Table and start feeling each other up as they are met with wild stares from much of the casino. But, how could this be? What about Teresa and Ron Weasaly? You ask... Well, don't worry... cause... WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS STAYS IN VEGAS!! BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After seeing this slight moral transgression take place, Ematajoca yells: “Oblak!! You two-timing Mimbo!! Didn't last night mean anything to you” Ematajoca then fires all three circular blades from her Sith Lavarouk. The first misses, the second is deflected by Oblak's quickly drawn blue lightsaber; but the third catches him right between the eyes. Hermione blasts Ematajoca in the heart with her wand to kill her before she can do anymore damage; but alas... Her heart is already broken. Back outside, Peraxxus has used his cosmic powers to obliterate Black Lantern Grevious, while The Chaos King has stomped Zombie Arwen like we kind of wanted something big and powerful to after she was in The Lord of the Rings for 16 more scenes than she should have been. Starscream and Capt. Marvel both blow through a Signalman (#1 and #3) before Capt. Marvel uses his super-strength to take out their leader Peraxxus as well. Starscream flies through the air like a Decepticon-possessed as he takes out one more of The Signalmen (#4) inbetween aerial feats. He then uses his Cybertronian-aided Conventional Weaponry and his own Cybertronian Metal Body to blast through the face of The Chaos King for an amazing kill (that will end up being his last). The wounded Starscream crashes to the ground and is working on getting back up to get back in to the battle when Black Zarak flies in to the scene to finish him off by crushing his chest and his spark. Back inside Moon Knight manages to move a bit more swiftly than Zombie Darth Maul and uses a well-paced kick to remove the rotting head of The former Sith Lord. We now return to Wolverine and Boba Fett who began back to back in their battle against The Sons of Anarchy. Wolverine has skewered Quinn, Piney, and Jury; while Boba Fett used his rifle to blast Jax and Trig. Boba then pulled out his double red lightsaber (his prize for winning The Universe Bowl, I might add) to run through Opie and Chips. Both of The Backyardigans (I still just love referring to characters like Wolverine and Boba Fett as “Backyardigans”) have sustained heavy gunfire from the bikers, but so far nothing that Fett's Mandalorian Armor and Wolverine's healing factor couldn't ward off. Steven Segal fires the Good Samaritan at Wolverine, but the mutant is able to dodge it with a somersault and then come up under the anti-semite with a claw thrust to the lower chin. Boba Fett flies up into the rafters for a moment with his jet pack and when he comes down takes out Clay, Spike, and Seamus Ryan in one fell swoop. Needles, Kozik, and Bobby Elvis come running at Wolverine in unison with a shotgun, a broken pool cue, and a large chain in their respective hands; but it still is nowhere near enough to take out Wolvie. Boba Fett then cleans up the rest of the mess as he takes out Big Otto, The Pimp, and Juice with a thermal detonator. Hermione Granger is spotted by Silent Bob who begins to pointing to her while tapping Jay on the shoulder because he is so surprised to actually see her get the start in a battle. “Holy S**t Silent Bob!! It's that magic chick that never gets played... The Wicked Witch of the F&*(^ng East!! Silent Bob shakes his head while he throws his pokeball at her and doesn't say (cause he's Silent Bob): “Charmeleon: I choose you”. Charmeleon pops out of his pokeball and joins not only this match, but The Murderflies roster as Silent Bob's sidekick/buddy. Charmeleon's first appearance does not prove to be quite as stellar as Hermione's as she blasts both him and their other furry friend Suzanne the Orangatan with her wand. Jay yells: “Oh s**t Silent Bob... We done just got pissed off” as he fires up his flamethrower. “Hey you little magic B^&)^ch!! You ever played with a little wand attached to a fat man in an overcoat”?!!? But Hermione uses her mastery of spells to take out the two stoners before they can do any real damage. Oscar the Grouch comes out of his can to take on Tenderheart Bear, but the seasoned Backyardigan, and former Parallax entity holder begins ripping away at his green fur. John Moses Browning hears the grouchy screams of his teammate and flies in with his Mandalorain jet pack. He manages to put a twelve gauge shell from his semi-auto shotgun right between the eyes of Tenderheart to save his pal Oscar. Michael Weston leads his two noticeably burnt friends outside, where Sam sends a perfectly aimed blast of his rocket launcher in to the spark of Black Zarak. Signalman #2 comes down hard on Sam and then grabs both Michael and Fiona; but Fiona and Michael pull out grenades and manage to take the last of Peraxxus' Robots with them in death. The rest of the battle pours on to the streets outside the underground casino, where Oblivion and Deathstorm are double-teaming Capt. Marvel. Hermione Granger and Teddy Roosevelt are going at it. And Wolverine and Boba Fett have shown up just in time to make sure that Moon Knight doesn't interfere with either of the other battles. Capt. Marvel is able to crush the skull of Oblivion, but Deathstorm avenges his death with a storm of stormy-death. Teddy Roosevelt after coming off of a stellar week last week against The Horsemen uses a construct of The American Flag to slice up Deathstorm while never even missing a beat in his own match against Hermione. Moon Knight fights valiantly against Wolvie and Fett, but the duo simply work to good together and he is taken out. The Master Mind of The Murderfly squad (Kingpin) sees the writing on the wall and rushes out of his secure office and in to the back ally where he and the ruffles Oscar the Grouch escape back to headquarters through their secret garbage can tunnels. Which only leaves Teddy Roosevelt, the hero of The Spanish American War and Week 6 against Wolverine, Boba Fett, and Hermione Granger. Granger begins to wave her wand to cast a final spell against the former president, but before he can he smashes her with a giant green fist. “Bully”!! He yells once again as Wolverine screams: “NOOOOOO” at the sight of Hermione's death. Boba Fett yawns and says: “Relax Logan, it's one death. At this rate she will hit the graveyard in Season 50” as he watches Wolverine gut Teddy to make …
BECKERMAN'S BACKYARDIGANS: BEEYATCHES VICTORIOUS!!