Unlucky 13 Finale: The Horsemen of Apokolips vs. The Royal Highness

  Greetings, fleshy spectators of Earth, it is I, GoBotron. The one known as “Daveatu” has awakened me from my eternal sleep mode to initiate a combat sequence culminating in the conference of a ship in my possession to the owner of the surviving combatants. I sense now that this conflict has raged on my surface for weeks. I have been free for so long from the annoyance of my previous inhabitants, I have become complacent. I will no longer allow the presence of petty beings to mar my physical form. I have ejected the weakest of your forces from my surface and reassembled The Revenge from the scrap left behind by the invaders who claimed the warring natives. I have transported your remaining pawns to my core chamber to settle their scores so I might return to my peace. They seem unsurprised by my teleportation process, as if accustomed to being pulled through time and space for such arrangements. For a moment they hesitate and observe their new surroundings. Firestorm points out The Revenge displayed on my central monitor, and the image alone acts as a fast catalyst. My work is done and my solitude will soon be secure. I will leave the remaining narration to your Watcher.

  Daveatu here. Boy, wasn't that a special guest introduction? No? Oh well I tried. Moving along... The two groups converge and begin efforts to disassemble one another. The light-imbued Transformers of the Horsemen are among the first to initiate as they attempt to neutralize the threat posed by The Ideon. The Phantom Stranger once again moves into position to control the mech as Springer pries at its armored panels with a giant construct crowbar. Neither Slag nor The Phantom have patience for this method, and The Ideon brings a beam sword through Springer as Slag unleashes a torrent of burning fluids from his mouth. The corrosive spew seeps between the loosened plates of The Ideon, and it falls under its own weight, with The Stranger transporting himself away from the wreck. “ROBOT SPACE GOD WEAK” the Dinobot snarls before thrashing about in a state of victory-rage. The distraction caused by the robots helps weed out the less focused warriors; Chriselion’s shield against the attacking Ce Ce Denowai falters, and his appendages are removed via lightsaber. Chameleon is caught off guard as well when Taskmaster’s whip seizes him by the neck lasso style, yanking him to Taskmaster’s rising knee with breakneck force. In turn, Taskmaster fails to notice Hush lining up a shot to his face, and all his photographic memories spill from the exit wound. Keeping the chain distraction flowing, Deathstroke leaps over Taskmaster’s still-falling body and quarters Hush before he can raise a gun to oppose him. Beneath his mask, a muffled sob is heard as he looks back longingly at Taskmaster’s meat-shell, his one chance at true love cut short by the mayhem.

  From across the room, Sunstreaker’s blaster provides Denowai with a new orifice. “Most powerful female Jedi, meet the most bad*ss gay Autobot. No, you know, make that the most badass Transformer PERIOD. I’m a boss. No, make that THE Boss.” gloats Sunstreaker. Micah Jiett and Jedi #41 engage White Suit Anakin but wind up locked in a classic “Both parties are so powerful, how long are they gonna do this” lightsaber duel. Linus Van Pelt finds himself hungry and makes an attempt on Fry Guy #3’s life, but Smaug has a bigger appetite to satisfy and snatches them both up as a value meal, showing no compassion for his own mascot. High Evolutionary amuses himself by manipulating Beast’s underdeveloped mutant form, advancing him to his furry blue stage in an instant. Firestorm steps in to show him how it’s done, and the two begin competing to matter-manipulate the most intriguing form possible with Beast’s material. Frustrated and unable to top High Evolutionary’s mastery of mutation, Firestorm turns Beast to solid silver. “I’m done, this game is stupid anyway. Enjoy your SECOND PLACE trophy.” Super Soldier charges Black Hand, subconsciously resenting the ring bestowed upon him. Before he can take revenge for the sake of The Revenge, White Lantern Sinestro engulfs him in white flame, flickering yellow and red as it eats away his necrotic flesh. “Don’t mention it. Really, just don’t.” the Lantern warns his unlikely ally. Nova and Exodus stare each other down warily as the Xandarian Worldmind contemplates the next move to make. Exodus attempts to control Nova’s mind but the shock from the Worldmind’s presence momentarily disables both parties. Invincible steps up and waves a hand in front of Nova’s face as The Phantom Stranger re-materializes beside them. “Don’t bother with them just yet,” he instructs, “they’ll snap back soon.” Invincible looks relieved. “I thought you b*tched out again when that insane dinosaur thing melted your toy. Got anything good left for us?” “Well…” The Stranger began, “There is one thing that might make the difference, but it would take all the remaining power I’ve been allotted for this round." "Dude, I don't even know what that means when YOU say it. We made it this far, just do it already." Invincible insisted. The Stranger stretched his arms above his head and cracked his neck in preparation. He called out to the Horsemen, "Hey guys, want an even better prize than that spaceship you're after?" All heads in the room turned to hear the offer. "I've got just the thing! Cosmic SuperAIDS!" The Phantom puffed out into a fine mist of blood before streaming into the many wounds and orifices of the opposition. Sunstreaker scoffed. “If I wasn’t immune to AIDS I would be very offended right now.” Despite their great power, this is no ordinary strain of AIDS. The Horsemen are visibly weakened and begin to sweat.. The exception is Slag, whose ring is charged by the infectious blood, an unplanned consequence of the otherwise effective sacrifice. Nova and Exodus snap out of their mind-lock when Exodus begins to feel ill. Nova turns to Smaug, now having trouble holding his food, and blows his head apart. Anakin, horrified by the blood stains that will never come out of his pristine armor, is finally taken down by Jiett and Jedi #41. Their victory is short lived as Exodus demonstrates his telekinetic power, lifting both off the ground at once. He puts them in a spherical forcefield and shakes them with tremendous force until the ball is a swirling mass of Jedi puree. 

The Horsemen heavily outnumber The Highness, but their remaining forces don’t back down. Invincible moves with incredible speed and begins to fire high-velocity spit at his immune-compromised foes. His expectoration is strong enough to break through the armor of Deathstroke and High Evolutionary, and they wither away to skin and bones in an instant. Sinestro is hit by one of the mucosal projectiles but the power of the White Light of Life boosts his immunity considerably and he only develops sniffles. As Exodus and Invincible go toe to toe, Sunstreaker and Nova try to stop the now-empowered Slag, who is roaring wildly and spewing infectious, corrosive AIDS-Blood and motor oil in all directions. Unfortunately, Sunstreaker is caught in the face by the filth and reduced to a molten puddle before Nova can spin Slag by the tail and slam him to pieces against a wall. “We’re not looking great, Invincible, now would be the time to live up to your name!” Nova pleads. A rush of adrenaline hits Invincible and he unleashes a speedy flurry of blows against Exodus. The forcefield he holds in front of him rings out sharply as Invincible’s fists strain against it. With a battle cry, Invincible lands a punch in its center, but it seems to have no effect. Exodus smirks. “It was a nice try, at lea-” he’s cut short as a cracking sound begins. The wall of force begins to shatter and his eyes widen. “Im-impossible!” he stammers. As the field shatters, concussive and electrical forces shoot out in every direction, and Exodus is crushed flat against the wall far behind him. “Wrong. It’s ‘Invincible’”. Without missing a beat, he turns to Firestorm and lifts his head in both hands, then cranes his neck towards Nova to speak. “Sorry, Rider, but it’s come down to this yet again. It’s the only way.” Firestorm, horrified, attempts to alter his physical makeup, but even Invincible’s atoms are reinforced too strongly to move. “What the hell are you?!” Jason screams. Mark Grayson looks him dead in the eye, his pupils constricted to incompassionate points of blackness. “I’m the winner.” He tears Firestorm down the middle, and a blinding flash of atomic energy overcomes GoBotron.

Royal Rumble Finale!!

As the Blob stands defiant and alone in the ring, #31, Dr. Evil begins waddling down the aisle. “It looks like I will have to clone another sole mate” Dr. Evil says to himself as he comes to the realization that his partner Mini Me has already been eliminated. Dr. Evil, as soon as he enters the ring starts awkwardly drop kicking The Blob, each one resulting in Dr. Evil himself falling to the ground. The maniacal brother of Austin Powers gets dizzier and dizzier each time he gets up, until The Blob picks him up like a rag doll and tosses him out of the ring just as #32 Watchdog #3 is climbing in. Watchdog #3 begins fiercely attacking The Blob; but his attacks work about as well on the mutant as they usually do against Capt. America. Watchdog #3 simply becomes the next person tossed out of the ring with ease by the even nastier Age of Apocalypse version of Fred Dukes. But as Watchdog #3 accomplishes nothing, the next guy coming down is about half a foot taller than the blob and twice as cut. Death Hammer, the Immellized clone of Death Adder and Sledgehammer, begins by taking his Ax-handled, magically powered .44 Magnum and fires three rounds into the chest of The Blob (if I didn’t know that it was impossible I would have sworn that I saw him flinch). With this taking place, and her arms getting tired, Dora see this as an opportunity to swing herself back in the ring and try and help out Death Hammer against a dude who she still sees as basically unbeatable. The Blob begins belly laughing hysterically when he sees that the delicious looking little Dora is still alive, when Triceraton #4 begins walking down the aisle as well. As the Triceraton is entering the ring, The Blob is still condescendingly criticizing Dora, like only a morbidly obese adult in a leotard can do. The Triceraton and Death Hammer can’t help but agree with The Blob when he says “What the hell kind of sh**&ty general manager sends a little kid into a royal rumble”?!!? But Dora’s demeanor shows the rest of the combatants that she means business, when she verbally takes control and forms a quick alliance against The Blob whom they all know they can’t take alone. Dora somersaults into the middle of Death Hammer and The Triceraton and says: “Hey Hammer head, you hit em high and dino-dude you hit him low…. NOW”!! The two of them rush in following the explorer’s orders while Dora races in ahead of both of them slides between The Blob’s legs and almost falls out of the ring again accept for grabbing on to the bottom rope. This is where her plan comes in. As soon as The Blob begins to fight back against the other two, he picks up his left foot, which Dora then pulls the ring ropes underneath to trip him up. As The Blob falls to the mat, he punches both Death Hammer and The Triceraton, knocking the former to the mat and the latter out of the ring. With all the excitement taking place, the combatants do not even realize that #35 Uncle Buck is now standing on the other side of the ring with a “What the Eff am I doing here” look on his face, while #36 C.M. Punk is climbing into the ring after a run down the aisle. Far from defeated yet, The Blob has managed to get back up on his feet, but his ankle is still caught in the rope, thanks to Dora. C.M. Punk takes note that The Blob is obviously the biggest threat in the ring and he begins to try and rally the rest of the guys behind him so after The Blob’s eliminated he can win this thing for himself; but after what Death Hammer was a part of and Uncle Buck witnessed, they were not anxious to follow anybody’s lead except for Dora’s. “COME ON!! YOU’RE ALL gonna follow some kid instead of me?!!? Look at her, she looks like she smoked a pack of cigarettes and drank a pint of dark rum before the match even started”. Dora shrugs her shoulders like she is soooo whateavs but it is Uncle Buck who takes offense to the comments. The former baby-sitter rushes at Punk who exclaims that: “IT’S CLOBBERIN TIME”, as he grabs Uncle Buck by the neck and knees him in the mid-section. He then goes to fling the heavyset Canadian out of the ring but he is inadvertently saved by N0-Ship Futar #2 who has just entered the ring. The hairy, muscular Tleilaxlu creation is only in the ring for about a second after the flailing body of Uncle Buck hits him and sends him right back over the top rope. Uncle Buck gets back to his feet while the whole ring full of people put some space between each other to measure each other up. The Blob still has his foot caught in the bottom rope; but is prepared for anything while Death Hammer and Punk move from one corner to the other. Dora is hanging back behind Uncle Buck who is regaining his composure and getting back on his feet, when wait………
What’s this? …………

The crowd begins to go silent, like the calm before the storm…. And then, they erupt……..

IT’S HOLLYWOOD HOGAN!!!! The Hulkster comes running down the aisle and the crowd goes nuts!! Hollywood instantly goes for The Blob but even against Hogan, The Blob doesn’t even flinch against his attacks. And he knocks the former champion to the ground with ease. #39 Abobo from Double Dragon has now entered the ring and it is getting pretty packed with some of the heavyweights trouncing around. It is a mess of a melee as the 7 wrasslers go at it. They are all somewhat focused on The Blob; but really, there is no rhyme or reason to the fighting, it is just taking place everywhere. The final combatant Roper, coincidentally also from Double Dragon has now entered the ring with his nun chucks in hand. Roper instantly hits CM Punk in the hands with a nun chuck cheap shot knocking his legion flight ring off and more so pissing off the former World Heavyweight Champion. Punk then clotheslines Roper over the top as quick as you can say “Zero Tolerance”. Punk then goes back to the last guy who ticked him off and grabs Uncle Buck by his collared shirt and begins giving him a nice pounding. Punk then picks up Buck as if to bodyslam him but then attempts to use him as a buffer weapon to knock out the Blob. It doesn’t work against the mutant; but Buck is lying on the ground attempting to shake it off when he realizes that Punk must have just been done with him once and for all. CM Punk is standing over Uncle Buck when he ignites his blue lightsaber and cocks it in a downward position as if to stab Buck in the chest, when Dora comes out of nowhere using Death Hammer’s knee as a leap board and knocks the lightsaber out of Punk’s hands and out of the ring. Punk attempts to punch her but she dodges the attack, backflips over the fallen Buck, looks at him and says: “Now we’re even”. She then disappears back into the crowd of larger opponents. This act was mostly in vain though as Abobo a short time later choke slammed Uncle Buck out of the ring a short time after he gained his composure. CM Punk begins wrasslin with the much larger Death Hammer, who is making snide 80’s style comic jokes in Old English, when the pro-wrestler is able to knock his magic .44 Magnum axe out of the ring. While the two of them are going at it, Dora sees it as opportunity to possibly use their momentum against them and eliminate CM Punk especially, but it doesn’t work out. Punk is quicker than she gave him credit for and he turns and grabs her out of mid-air. The jolt is so violent that it knocks her little woven cross necklace that so many young Mexican girls get on the first communion off of her and onto the mat before Punk throws her out of the ring for good. Punk then turns to Death Hammer and sends him out with a clothesline. Hogan then rushes over to CM Punk and offers him his hand in friendship. He is pointing over at The Blob as if to say that they need to work together to take him out but as they are shaking hands, The Blob launches Abobo at the duo and it sends Punk over the top rope. Punk is holding on but also cursing out Hogan, accusing him of treachery. Hogan is violently shaking his head no as if to tell him it was an accident; but Punk isn’t buying it. Hogan begins reaching over the top rope to give him his hand to bring him in and save him; but Punk won’t let go due to his distrust of Hollywood. CM Punk finally dramatically lets go with one hand and begins reaching for Hogan when The Blob breaks free from the bottom rope and rushes over to clothesline Hogan, causing him to slip and lose his grip on CM Punk’s hand, sending Punk into the lava. Hogan then dodges the attacks of The Blob and back tracks into the corner with Abobo whom he shakes hands with as if to make a final pact against The Blob, as it is now only the three of them who remain in the ring. Hogan and Abobo rush The Blob together but Hogan is knocked to the ground; while Abobo is picked up over the head of The Blob as the mutant shows off his true strength. Abobo is thrown from the ring….

And then there were two.

Hogan rushes at The Blob and is quickly knocked to the ground. He gets back up three more times but it is always the same result. Hollywood can barely stand back up after the abuse he has taken, and The Blob isn’t even budging. The Blob knocks Hollywood to the ground once more, but his time Hogan’s hand lands on a tiny foreign object. He sees the little handmade cross necklace of Dora and begins to remember that it wasn’t always like this….

He wasn’t always a bad guy…….

He used to believe in a power higher than himself…..

Higher than the glitz and glamour of Hollywood…..

The training….. The prayers….. The vitamins…. All The Hulkamaniacs around the world….

The Hulkster clutches the cross and then looks to the crowd for approval. The crowd starts to get up on their feet, when Hogan rips his black shirt off of his glistening muscular body, and pulls his bandana off as well. Hogan walks over to The Blob and gets punched, but this time he doesn’t fall…. The Blob punches him again, and then a third time; but now it is The Hulkster that is not budging. Hogan picks up his right hand and starts waving his finger “No” at The Blob who is flabbergasted at Hogan’s strength.

…Now it is Hogan’s turn….

Hulk hits the Blob in the face, and for the first time The Blob flinches, he hits a second time, a third, a fourth…. And The Blob is noticeably weakened. The Blob strikes back, but Hogan blocks it with his forearm and then hits him back again. Hogan goes in to throw The Blob over the ropes but he can’t quite lift The Blob, who knocks Hogan to the ground. But Hogan pops back up and resumes hitting The Blob. Blob is stunned as Hogan backs off a bit to regain his strength and composure and to raise his hands in the air as if to get power from the crowd who gives it back to him in full force as they erupt in screams of praise and applause. Hogan goes in for the kill again and puts himself in position to attempt a bodyslam. Hogan grabs The Blob and lifts him up to the top rope, and……..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKJDAVvs_JA&feature=player_detailpage

Unlucky 13: Round 3- Kitties vs. Horsemen

The Super Orange Kitties and Cats are: Ant-Man(Scott Lang), Warpath, M.O.D.O.T., Robotman, Bedovian, Ravager, Heavy, Stass Allie, Wheeljack, Decepticon #5, Cowardly Lion, Finn McCool, Aunt May.

The Horsemen of Apokolips are" Taskmaster w/Indy's Whip, Deathstroke w/Luke's lightsaber, Exodus, High Evolutionary, Firestorm(Jason Rousch), White Lantern Sinestro, White Suit Anakin, Ce Ce Denowai, Green Lantern Springer, Red Lantern Slag, Black Hand, Smaug the Dragon, and Fry Guy #3.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To:Josh From:NuFaGtu Sub:U13-R3
Just running this match by you. I call it "NuFaGtu's Checklist." Enjoy!

Witty Banter! More Taskmaster and Deathstroke hilarity!

Sniper Attack! Bedovian attacks from space, Exodus and Fry Guy #3 get their heads popped!

Lantern War! White Lantern Sinestro wastes Bedovian... IN SPAAAAACE!!!

Hot Robot Action! GL Springer and RL Slag vs. Wheeljack, Decepticon #5 and Robotman! GL Springer is the last man standing!

Minority Equality! Warpath stabs up Ce Ce Denowai!

Jedi Power Battle! White Suit Anakin slays Stass Allie!

Probable Sexual Delinquancy: High Evolutionary and Cowardly Lion leave, and neither are heard from again!

Obligatory Explosion! Firestorm and M.O.D.O.T. go KA-BOOOOOOSH!!!!

Smaug the Food Critic! Ant-Man:Potion size lacking. Finn McCool:Alcohol infused, delicious. Aunt May:Stale, undercooked. Heavy:Exquisite spice, would have again.

Racist Conspiracy? White Lantern Sinestro and White Suit Anakin team up to exterminate Warpath!

Maury Povich Style Drama! Deathstroke hesitates to take out his daughter Ravager. Taskmaster takes the killshot, add witty one-liner here. (You are not the father!)

There you have it, what do you think? -NuFaGtu.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To:NuFaGtu Sub:RE:U13-R3

Good outline, I'm sure it will be entertaining when it's fleshed out a bit!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To:Josh Sub:RE:U13-R3

Fleshed out? That's the match bro!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To:NuFaGtu Sub:RE:U13-R3

Good Lord no!!! Do not, under ANY circumstances, post that dumpster fire!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To:Josh Sub:REU13-R3

That's harsh! Aaaaaaand.... Too late. Posted.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To:NuFaGtu Sub:RE:U13-R3

You're fired.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To:Josh Sub:RE:U13-R3

LOL! See you at the draft!

FFL Royal Rumble Round 3!

Ring Ring Ring…The Twenty First person to enter the ring will be Mini Me

Peter: Oh thank god, saved by the bell.

Al Qaeda Terrorist #8: God, don’t you mean ALA!!! YOU MUST PRAISE HIM INFIDEL!!!

Out of nowhere, Peter’s face is covered in a mist of blood.

Peter: (Coughs) Oh wow, that was unexpected. And really violent.

Clone Trooper #51: What can I say, it is literally in my DNA to hate a dissenter.

Dexter Jettster: That’s right, you are one of those cloners.

Clone Trooper #51: Well technically I am one of the clones, not one of the cloners. I never actually helped with the cloning itself.

DJ: Well that is what I meant. Jeez, you don’t have to take me so literally when I talk.

CT #51: When you talk? You mean opposed to when you write.

DJ: You know what I mean, again you do not have to take me so…

Peter: And people accuse me of talking about nothing. This is so boring it reminds me of the time Jimmy Carter tried to free the slaves.

DJ: What? That doesn’t even make sense. The slaves were already free by the time Carter was born.

Peter: Well I know that.

CT #51: Then why did you say it if you already knew that?

Peter: Because if I didn’t then my character would literally serve no purpose whatsoever.

CT #51 & DJ: Your character serves a purpose?!?

Mini Me: Wow and I thought my movies were stupid.

DJ: Well hello there little guy, can I help you with something?

Mini Me: (Totally ignoring the four armed fat bastard) So, is anybody going to get rid of this smelly Arab dude with a blaster hole in his head?

DJ: Well isn't that cute. The little guy is trying to say something. So Cloner, are you going to do something about this body or just continue to stare at him?

CT #51: Yeah, I like to stare at my victims for a while after I finish them off. It does something to me down below that nothing else can quite come close to.

Peter: Did you just admit to getting off to dead bodies?

CT #51: It doesn’t get me off, it just gets me close. Kind of like my own personal four play.

DJ: That is sort of messed up my cloning friend.

CT #51: I am not a cloner you severely overweight slob.

Ring Ring Ring…The Twenty Second person to enter the ring is Force Adept #4

DJ: I am beginning to get sick of your inbred cloner attitude.

Mini Me: So we are just going to let this dead Arab rot in the corner instead of dumping his body into the lava? That is something we are just going to do and be okay with?

CT #51: Call me a cloner one more time and I will prove that this blaster rifle is even strong enough to make it through your twelve ton flesh pouch that you call a stomach.

DJ: I dare you to try such a barbaric act. Though again, I would expect nothing less from one of you cloners.

Clone Trooper #51 shoots his blaster at Dexter Jettster but before the blast is able to reach the diner owner, Peter Griffin jumps in front of the blast and takes the fatal hit to the gut.

CT #51: Why would you do that? I didn’t want you dead. Well, you know what I mean.

DJ: Thank you Peter but I do not understand your reasoning for such a heroic move.

Peter: All of your chatter about my life not having a purpose really gave me something to think about. You guys were right, I have lived a completely useless life and if I was going to go out, I wanted it to be worth something. I wanted to at the very least give my life some sort of meaning. Now I have given you your life Dex. Earn this. Earn this.

CT #51: Is it just me or was this just a long form way of Peter saying this is reminding him of the time Tom Hanks died in World War II to make sure Matt Damon could go on to make the Bourne movies?

Mini Me: So this is really what we are doing. Dead Arab is just rotting in the corner. This is great you guys, just great.

Force Adept #4: So what’s going on guys? Why isn’t anybody throwing these dead bodies over the top rope? Isn’t this how the Royal Rumble works?

DJ: We are not allowed to touch the bodies until the cloner over there finishes in his armor.

CT #51 tries to respond but is too aroused to make anything other than a low moaning sound that only Mini Me can hear.

Force Adept #4: So I guess I will take that as a no?

Ring Ring Ring…The Twenty Third person to enter the ring is Human Bomb

DJ: You done yet?

Force Adept #4: Is he really getting himself off right now?

DJ: It sure seems to be that way.

FA #4: Not that I am judging. I’m pretty impressed actually.

Mini Me: Two dead bodies now, wonderful.

FA #4: Seriously, I am jealous. You think you could teach me? I have a buddy who can do it without touching and everything. Something about watching the skin move…

DJ: You have the ability to use the force and you use it for such immoral reasons.

FA #4: No I want to use it for such immoral reasons. Like I said, my buddy can do that not me.

CT #51: Like I said to my fat friend over there, I don’t get off on it, I only get close.

FA #4: Get close. What’s the point of edging yourself to death if you have the ability to service yourself to completion? That’s like, well I can’t think of anything else that compares to it without just telling another jack off story.

Ring Ring Ring…The Twenty Forth person to enter the ring is Blue Ringed John Cena

Human Bomb: What the hell. I haven’t even made it to the ring yet.

The hope filled John Cena decides to not just to enter the ring, but enter the ring with flare. All the remaining combatants look to the roof of the arena and see the star of the WWE coming down from the rafters. A bright blue glow from his lantern ring helps slowly lower him to the wrestling ring so he can fight. Out of nowhere though a loud chant of “Cena Sucks. Cena Sucks. Cena Sucks” comes from the crowd and in a flash, the blue ring stops working and sends the WWE Superstar crashing towards the ring. His body lands smack dab in the middle of the ring, dead on impact.

Mini Me: Another F@#$ing Body! Will somebody please do something about this please!

DJ: Well that is just a shame. He was such a fine young man. A death like that always makes me put my own life in perspective.

CT #51: So does that mean you will only eat five plates of chili cheese fries today. I mean seriously, what’s higher, the national debt or your cholesterol?

FA #4: Ha Ha HA, good one man. Now come on, teach me to do the jack off trick.

CT #51: It’s not a trick and I’m not jacking off. I just get pleasure out of murdering people. I know it is f#%$ed up but it’s just the way it is.

Human Bomb: Does anybody care if I dump some of these bodies over the edge?

Mini Me: Thank you. It’s about damn time. You know what, I need to shake your hand. Get over here you son of a bitch and take that damn glove off and let me actually shake your hand.

Before Roy can even stop the little guy he rips his glove off and proceeds to shake his hand. The hand shake naturally causes the Austin Powers character to explode on contact which coats the remaining characters in very small bloody pieces.

Human Bomb: Poor little guy, I feel kind of bad about that. He just seemed so excited that I didn't even realize what he was doing until it was too late.

FA #4: You can’t touch anything without making it blow up? How on Alderaan do you live with yourself?

Human Bomb: I don’t quite understand where you are going with this.

DJ: (With a resigned look on his face) What the sad man over there is referring to is how on Coruscant you can live without being able to pleasure yourself with your bare hand.

Human Bomb: That is what the gloves are for. Twenty seconds with that thing on and I can make this thing explode as many times as I want without any negative consequences.

Dexter Jettster just backs up into the corner of the ring and shakes his head out of shame for everyone else in the ring.

Ring Ring Ring…The Twenty Fifth person to enter the ring is Age of Apocalypse Blob

CT #51: Hey check it out Dex, there actually is somebody out there who is fatter then you.

FA #4: Check this Trooper, I am going to force choke this dude before he even enters the ring.

The Force Adept attempts to use the force but nothing happens.

CT #51: Don’t even bother with that voodoo garbage, nothing like a trusty blaster to make everything right.

The Clone Trooper shoots about a hundred shots at the Blob to no avail.

The Blob then enters the ring and proceeds to beat every single person to death. Then one by one he dumped all the dead bodies into the pit via the top rope.

Ring Ring Ring…The Twenty Sixth person to enter the ring is Watchdog #4

The Watchdog ran down the ring as fast as his Nazi heart could take him. He then jumped into the ring and proceeded to die in half the time. The Blob then dumped his body over the top rope as well.

Ring Ring Ring…The Twenty Seventh person to enter the ring is Dora the Explorer

Instead of running towards the ring, Dora just hangs back and waits for the next person to be announced.

Ring Ring Ring…The Twenty Eighth person to enter the ring is Bill Lambier

Dora: Hey Bill, just chill out here with me unless you are loco.

Bill: I don’t take commands from a little girl.

Dora: It’s your funeral amigo.

Bill: Oh wait, is that the Blob? That boxer guy from the Wolverine movie?

Dora: Uh yeah, something like that.

Bill: Screw that then, if Wolverine can’t beat him then I don’t have a chance.

Dora: Yeah, that’s why you can’t beat him.

Ring Ring Ring…The Twenty Ninth person to enter the ring is Warg #4

The Warg races to the ring and quickly has its neck broken by the behemoth.

Ring Ring Ring…The Thirtieth person to enter the ring is Lightning

Bill: Yo Jen, get your hot ass over here and give us a hand.

Lightning: Screw you Bill, you misogynistic pig.

Dora: Sorry about that Jen but the only way we can defeat this guy is if all of us team up on him.

Lightning looks over at Dora and then hesitantly back at Bill.

Lightning: Okay fine. Let me go first though. I will send a blast at him first so you guys can get into the ring.

Dora: Okay that sounds good. Now BLAST him!

Lightning sends multiple shocks of electricity towards the X-Men villain that seems to stop him in his tracks long enough for the two remaining ring side characters to enter the ring.

Bill: Great job Jen, it seems to be working.

The Blob: Does it now?

The Blob then sends his gravitational field outwards towards the three remaining combatants and knocks them towards the pit of lava that is awaiting them. Dora is the first to get thrown over the top but the NBA All Star and the DC Comic book character are able to hold on. Lightning then extends her hand to Lambier for support, thinking this may help their cause.

Bill: Holding hands already? This is even easier than I thought it would be.

Lightning: Oh screw you pervert. You know what, why let the Blob have all the glory.

Jennifer Pierce sends a blast of electricity through the body of the former world champion, which knocks him over the top rope.

Bill: I always knew you were a bitttttcchhhhhhhh!!!!!!

As Lambier lands into the lava, a small smirk appears on his face as he sinks to the bottom of the pit.

Lightning then gives it one more go as she once more sends a blast towards the immovable object. The move does not pay off though as she is eventually sent over the top rope herself. The Blob screams in victory as he knows nobody else coming in can come close to taking him out.

As the Pay Per View cameras pan out, they show a ring that includes nothing but the massive fat man all by himself. Though to those few viewers out there with a keen enough eye, there is a small flapping of a tattered cape on the bottom edge of the outside of the ring. The flapping is outside the view of Frederick Dukes, but the clever little Explorer that is Dora, is still somehow hanging on for dear life.

Layanderlet's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family Vs. The Royal Highness

Laya’s Squad is Ant Man, Armor, Nocturne, (Kingdom Come) Hawkman, (Kingdom Come) Alan Scott, Monarch, Warmaster Tsavong Lah, Feral, Nightbird, Decepticon #4, The Lorax, Bendonner, and Reepicheep'

The Royal Highness is Nova, (original) Beast, Phantom Stranger, Chriselion, Hush, Chameleon, Micah Jiett, Jedi Master #41, Sunstreaker, The Ideon, Black Lantern Super Soldier, Invincible, Linus Van Pelt.


Hey, Joshatu here. Here’s the deal, I just got back from The Virgin Islands and I don’t feel like doing anything if it doesn’t involve a beach or an enormous cigar; so I’m going to break down this match into a one on one battle between the teams until both of these exceptional squads are done and move on to the finals. But the problem I found was that I couldn’t find anybody that wanted to write the whole thing, so I just went into the multiverse and randomly grabbed the first people I saw to watch each part of the match until I had enough to complete it…. Enjoy……….

How ya doing, this is John Ritter. I just walked on to the set of Three’s Company and boy did I ever fall into a fresh set of antics this time (**LAUGH TRACK**). But this catastrophe wasn’t as bad as the one that Ant Man faced, when he was totally obliterated by Nova.
Hi all, this is Duff McKagen from Guns N’ Roses. I’m wasted but I totally just saw Beast beat the crap out of the force field chick armor. She looked way more powerful and stuff; but he was smarter or .something and must of known how to exploit her powers…….. Weird…… Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go buy some stocks.
Hello Kemosabe, this Tanto, friend to Lone Ranger and friend to Fantasy Fantasy. Nocturne has done much teleporting. The teleporting was fast. But Phantom Stranger was powerful as the Ghost dance and he won battle for the land and spirits.
Sufferin Succotash!! Thisss is Sylvester. I’m a cat. And that huge Hawkman, looks DELISHUSS!! But I don’t think I’m gonna messssss with em after the way he just waxed that disco ball green lantern Chrisssssselion.
Hi, I’m Prince Adam. Don’t tell anybody I’m He-Man. Unless you’re going to tell Hush, because he just got wasted by Green lantern magic. The End. And remember, don’t tell anybody I’m He-Man.
President Calvin Coolidge (man of few words). Said: Monarch beat Chameleon.
Hi suckas, this is Bryan Beckerman. I’m here to watch the pitched battle between Micah Jiett and Warmaster Tsavong Lah. I was chosen to do this match because I’m the only guy left in the Multiverse that remembers who these two dudes actually are (and cause I’ve got the world’s biggest SCHLONG!!: BEEYATCH!!)! Naturally, The Warmaster wins the fight after Master Jiett’s very powerful force powers are removed due to his natural Yuuzhong Vhonn abilities…. Duh.
Hey, this is Justin Bieber. It’s okay, I know you love me. Feral killed Jedi Master #41. Nah dawg, it wasn’t with claws it was with a lightsaber yo. SO!! You’re mom went to jail.

Hello fellow Cybertronians, this is the bearer of the matrix Alpha Trion. Nightbird, who would someday defeat my predecessor Optimus Prime, has easily dispatched the Autobot Sunstreaker. Now follow your souls friends.
“Dirty Diapers”!! This is Fantastic Max!! Well along came Ideon and the fun time started and Decepticon #4 is dead again. And you readers owe it all to my 4 ply diaper and this safety pin. FANTASTIC MAX!!!!s
Confucious say: The Lorax is wise; but he can’t beat Black Lantern Super Soldier.i
AYE!! I am William Wallace. An I jus witnessed Invincible fly right up the arse of Bendonner and kill the giant with his bear head. It was bloody hilarious!!
I’m Charlie Brown. I’m sad. My friend Linus is dead. Reepicheep was very fast and he killed my friend Linus. It made me sad.
Round 2
PEEKA!! Peeka. Peeeeeeca. Peeka. (*translation*). Hi, I’m Pikachu. I’m a Pokemon. It took a while for Invincible to catch Reepicheep, but when he did, he killed him.
Hey ya sissies!! Dis is Andrew Dice Clay ya folla. Ring around the Rosey, a black lantern shield on your toesies. Ashes, ashes da dumb ninja chick falls down. OHH!! Super Soldier beats Nightbird, ya folla.
This is Poop Man, I’m not a real person, or even a real character. But Josh wishes I was. But let me tell ya, even as a fake character that is 100% made of poop, I could tell you that The Ideon killed Feral, and then Feral pooped himself and I thought it was awesome (so did Josh).
Hello my children, this is Jesus. I wish that no killing would take place. Though shalt treat your neighbor as you would like to be treated. The Phantom Stranger did not obey this golden rule when he killed The Warmaster Tsavong Lah. But I forgive him, and I still love them both.
Good day, I am Peppin the Short. I’m a very interesting person in history, and if you do not know who I am you should use Wikipedia to find out. One thing you will not find in your research is that I just saw Monarch kill (original) Beast. They would both have fit in my army well.
Hello, for the sake of pluralism and political correctness I am Eleanor of Aquitaine. I am interesting as well (probably more interesting). Look me up too!! By the way Alan Scott’s crusade was successful against Nova.
Hi, this is Josh Houslander. I’m awesome. That punk Hawkman just got wasted by The Phantom Stranger cuz he sucks. TOLD YA RYAN!!
THIS IS ROSEY O’DONELL!! Alan Scott wins the fight over The Ideon, because Alan Scott is gay and gay is the way!! Plus, I’ve never heard of The Ideon, I mean who has??
Hey, this is Becks again, I’m breaking the rules and going twice. Black Lantern Super Soldier and Monarch kill each other, because they are both so powerful. HA!! This battle was soooooo pitched that it was a tie!! And you said no ties Josh. HA!! You suck Houslander!! Eff You!!
This is Vladimir Putin. I will decide match. Alan Scott is very strong, even though he is gay. If he live in Russia he would not be. America has failed him, not magic ring that work great. But he not strong enough to fight both Phantom Stranger and Invincible. They are strangely phantom like and Invincible once they form team. They won this match. Thanks to me for watching it and for Russia for being strong. Ukraine is weak. U.S. is weak. Russia strong. This match is over. Thank you for reading it. Yes it was stupid. Russis is not stupid. But at least match was better than the Olympics. And safer too.

Unlucky 13: The Traveling Sisterhood of Midgets vs. The Royal Highness

The Traveling Sisterhood of Midgets (Squad #2) are Glom, Longshot, Toad, B/G Lantern Hal Jordan, Star Sapphire #5, Eclipso, Jeer Dexton, Jedi Master #33A, Sharkticon #37, Vampire #100, Stratos, and Mokey.

The Royal Highness is Nova (with Xandarian Worldmind), (Original) Beast, The Phantom Stranger, Chriselion, Hush, Chameleon, Micah Jiett, Jedi Master #41, Sunstreaker, The Ideon, Black Lantern Super Soldier, Invincible, and Linus Van Pelt.


    The Midgets were climbing toward GoBotron’s core up a cliff in the massive crater left by the fateful asteroid impact that forced GoBots upon the universe. From afar, Nova and The Phantom Stranger observed their progress, their teammates awaiting instruction behind them. “We barely made it out last time, and some of these guys are pretty powerful.” Nova warned The Stranger. “Anything a little more useful you can do this time?” The Stranger nodded. “I suppose I could keep some of their hands free, at least.” Like shadows, two identical copies emerged from Phantom’s sides. They teleported to the tanks comprising The Ideon, and the three formed the mecha in preparation. Nova waved on his team and they descended upon their enemies. Eclipso was the first to notice their approach, sensing the familiar power of The Stranger, and his team rushed to take a defensive stance. Invincible and Black Lantern Super Soldier were the first to arrive, tackling Toad and Stratos respectively and beating them down with full force. Nova followed soon after and opened fire against B/G Hal Jordan, but Glom leapt hungrily into the line of fire, consuming the energy of the Nova Force. As Glom protected him, Jordan fired a barrage of blue and green missiles at the Black Lantern, vaporizing his ring and returning him to death, unfortunately too late for Stratos. The Phantom Stranger(s) showed up piloting The Ideon and began charging the black hole cannon. Eclipso attempted to stop The Stranger, but Chameleon and Micah Jiett teamed up to beat him back against the hull of the machine. As the cannon finished charging, Longshot’s eye began to glow, and Phantom Stranger took notice. “Unlikely, but fair. Hope this doesn’t hurt too much.” The cannon malfunctioned and the black hole became lodged in The Ideon, drawing itself, Phantom Stranger, Chameleon, Eclipso, and Micah Jiett in before collapsing.

    Chriselion fought Star Sapphire #5 while Sunstriker struggled to shoot Jeer Dexton. Satisfied with the puree he had beaten Toad into, Invincible stopped Glom from protecting Jordan with a running punch that blew a second hole in the back of Glom’s gaping mouth. Jordan sprung a shield up between himself and Nova’s attacks, but he was blind to Jedi Master #41’s lightsaber until it emerged from his eye through his skull. Jedi Master #33A stepped in against Hal’s killer while Nova turned his attention to Jeer Dexton who was busy dismantling Sunstreaker. Powerful as the Dark Jedi was among his peers, he was caught off guard as Nova took him in both hands, spun him, and chucked him beyond the planet’s orbit. Linus had found Mokey and anticipated another unsuspecting victim. But Mokey was on edge with paranoia from a combination of fright and excessive LSD consumption in her heyday, and as Van Pelt approached from behind she spun around to stab him manically in the shins before running off. As he bled out, he used his dying breath to vow revenge against all Jim Henson abominations. With the greater threats out of the picture, Beast moved in to restrain Star Sapphire #5 as Chriselion split her with a light axe. Hush did the same to assist his team’s Jedi Master against The Midgets’ Jedi Master. Longshot tried desperately for a stroke of luck, but Invincible poked out his glowing eye with a force that made his head explode before any such luck would come. Sharkticon #37, Mokey, and Vampire #100 shared an indignant look as their remaining foes closed in around them…

FFL Royal Rumble Part 2!

Zack Ryder grabbed A.C. Slater by his limp wrist and flipped him out of the ring as easily as a used Kleenex. “Come on, broskis, was that so hard? Dude was a vegetable.” As Slater talked trash to nobody in particular, he failed to look behind him where The Ranger had entered the ring. Cordell Walker set his eyes upon Ryder and a roundhouse kick upon the back of his head. “Ow! You’re gonna f*ck up Ice Z’s spikes bro!” Ryder shouted. He attempted to grapple Walker, but years of Texas bar fight experience allowed him to evade Zack’s grasp. The two continued this way for some time, but soon, Ryder noticed a tell in the ranger’s facial hair. Before a dodge, his mustache would stand on end; His famous Ranger Sense was tingling, and Zack knew how to stop it. From God-Knows-Where, he produced a bottle of styling gel and applied it liberally to Walker’s upper lip. He fell to the floor, his motor control atrophied after so much time being possessed by his beard. “I’m free,” Walker wheezed, “but I’m a shell of a man now. Please, end my suffering before the hair takes control again!” Before Walker could damage his dignity any further, Zack lifted him above his head and threw him to the lava waiting below. “I’m glad that’s over, Cowbros give me weird feelings! Who’s next?!” Darko Millicec was tossed into the ring and out of his element. Rather than face his foe head on, Darko chose to use his superior agility to run around Ryder like a marine around a cyberdemon, delivering punches when openings appeared. Being somewhat smarter than the potato-powered AI of Doom, however, Ryder thought to stop and extend a neck-level arm in Millicec’s path, causing him to clothesline himself. As he hit the ground, Korvus entered the ring. “I’ll make this quick, humans.” He assured the athletes. “Like you did with your hair this morning?” Ryder quipped. “Seriously sloppy br-.” Korvus bashed Ryder over the head with the flat of the Phoenix Blade, cracking his head. Using the sword like a spatula, he lifted the scrambled wrestler and disposed of him over the edge of the arena before turning to Darko. He had scurried to the corner in terror when Korvus arrived, and though he was able to outrun Zack Ryder, he was no match for the speed of a Shi’ar. Korvus ran to him and hoisted him over the ropes. Darko said something in Serbian before being dropped, and though I have no idea what it meant, it sounded like badass last words.

    Things finally got interesting when Death Adder Jr. arrived, and Korvus gladly accepted the powerful challenger. The two fought fiercely, sparks flying from their weapons with every parry. Death Adder Jr. fired lightning at Korvus, stunning him briefly. Jr. raised his axe high for a swing, but Korvus recovered and slashed his opponent’s wrist before rolling aside. The immense power of the Blade of the Phoenix proved too much for D.A.J., and his left hand was hanging loosely from his bleeding forearm. Disabled but not defeated, he grasped his axe in one hand and began blocking against Korvus’s continued assault until Dexter Jettster entered the fray to lend him a hand or four. The restaurateur ran behind Korvus and used two of those hands to grab him by the head while the other two fists pummeled his kidneys. Death Adder Jr. used the opportunity and rammed Korvus with the shoulder of his damaged arm, knocking him over Jettster behind him. Marlon Brando hopped in and approached Death Adder Jr. with raised fists. “Come on, then, show me what you’ve got. Put down that axe and fight like a man.” Death Adder Jr. complied and tossed his weapon to the floor. He let Brando take a few shots for free before clutching his wrist-stump in his right hand to bring down a double axe handle on the actor’s head. Behind him, Korvus stood as Jettster went for Death Adder Jr.’s axe. As he lifted the heavy weapon in all four hands, Korvus grabbed him for a hip toss into Jr.’s back. Furious, he resumed their battle with a rapid series of lightning bursts that keep his foe still as he approached. With his good hand, he delivered an uppercut that knocked Korvus over the ropes and into the pit. He turned back in time to see Jettster spin Brando above his head like a pizza and into his patented lava-oven as a pink portal opened in the corner beside him. Blink stepped out and took a quick look at the situation before bamf- I mean… blinking away again. Jr. ignored what he saw in favor of taking his axe back from Dexter. As he charged, a portal opened in front of him and an arm reached out to grab his. On the other end he found himself dangling above the lava pit, held by Blink who was now perched on the ropes. Prepared to die, Death Adder Jr. electrocuted Blink, causing her to lose her balance and go down with him.

    Surprisingly not dead, Dexter Jettster held his trophy axe close as Clone Trooper #51 arrived. Unarmed, he made his first priority to disarm his enemy and even the playing field. Jettster finally had the chance to use the weapon, but his poor combat experience left him clumsy and slow, and #51 grabbed the axe by the hilt and yanked it from Dexter’s hands, flinging it out of play. He attempted to sweep kick the Besalisk, but his low center of gravity proved effective and he kicked the trooper back hard. The Trooper was undoubtedly more skilled, but Jettster’s four-armed brawn allowed him to hold his own. Eventually, however, #51 broke Dexter’s guard and took him in a headlock. As they struggled against each other, Peter Griffin arrived. “Whoa, sweet! Am I in Star Wars? I wanna be Han Solo! Or Samuel L. Jackson!” The two stopped momentarily, confused by the comment. “This is the Royal Rumble. We’re fighting to toss each other into lava without the benefit of becoming Darth Vader once we’re charred.” #51 explained. “Holy crap, you mean we’re gonna burn each other alive?!” Peter shouted. “This is scarier than that time I got terrorized by Al Qaeda at a wrestling match!” Summoned by Peter’s control over cutaway gags, Al Qaeda Terrorist #8 appeared at the center of the ring. “ALLAHU AKBAR!” he screamed. “Ohhh, is Admiral Ackbar here too? Is this the trap?” Peter asked. “YOU WILL GIVE US VICTORY OR WE WILL GIVE YOU DEATH!” The Terrorist demanded. Peter knew he needed to buy some time before the situation escalated out of control. “Jeez, this is a lot of pressure… like, uh... Oh, I got it! Kind of like the time a terrorist threat got dumped on another Watcher!”

Unlucky 13: Turrible Decisions Vs. Horsemen

Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions are: Captain Universe, Phoenix Force Magik, The Serpent, Captain Atom, Kingdom Come Jade, Big Barda, Pre-Suit Vader, Clone Darth Maul, Nul merged with Beast Wars Megatron, Zombie Absorbing Man with Vampire cat powers, Iron Jedi(Immel clone Stark/Jedi #17), and Kister.

The Horsemen of Apokolips are: Taskmaster w/Indy's whip, Deathstroke w/Luke's Lightsaber, Exodus, High Evolutionary, Firestorm(Jason Rousch), White Lantern Sinestro, White Suit Anakin, Ce Ce Denowai w/Indigo Lantern ring, Springer w/Green Lantern ring, Slag w/Red Lantern ring, Black Hand, Smaug the Dragon, and Fry Guy #3.

"ADE!!! ... LADE!!! ... SLADE!!! C'mon man, get up! Even Logan's kid regenerates faster than this!" yells Taskmaster. "Oh no... Not again. I'm beginning to hate this stupid Gobot planet." lamments Deathstroke. "Please, just tell me that there's more left of our team alive than just you and me." pleads Deathstroke. "No such luck, pal. Just the two of us! What a team!" laughs Taskmaster. "F*ck... Why do I keep getting stuck with you?" questions Slade. "Whatever dude, you know I'm awesome. Admit it!" brags Taskmaster. "Dammit, just tell me what happened so I can win the match while you retreat again." demands Deathstroke. "Fine... So things started off great. Black Hand used the power of his Black Lantern Ring to possess Clone Maul, Iron Jedi, and Zombie Absorbing Man right off the rip!" explains Taskmaster. "Ok, the zombie I get, but the clones too? That's just stupid talk." counters Slade. "That's what I thought, but I figure since the clones are of people who died, it worked." theorises Taskmaster. "That's bullsh!t. Have you ever considered how stupid your theories are? I mean, do you even think about this stuff, or do you just make it up as you go?" asks Deathstroke. "Um, both? Anyway, live with it, bro. It happened. So the clones and the zombie take out Big Barda and KFC Jade before Phoenix Magik roasts 'em!" adds Taskmaster. "Ouch, down five people instantly? That's gotta hurt. But don't you mean KC Jade?" asks Slade. "I know what I says." Laughs Taskmaster. "So we know we have the advantage, and White Suit Anakin is all like "CHARGE!!!" and we send the house!" tells Taskmaster. "Except for you, I'm sure." chides Deathstroke. "Wrong again, Slade! I was all up in it! But with everyone running in like that, it kicked up a ton of dust, and this mask is kind of hard to breathe through to begin with.... so, I MIGHT have stopped to catch my wind for a minute." explains Taskmaster. "You suck." declares Slade. "At least I didn't get pimp slapped by a girl! That Magik chick knocked you the f*ck out almost immediately! Ha! But guess who happened to catch his breath just in time to drag you to safety?" asks Taskmaster. "Probably WL Sinestro." answers Slade. "... Lucky guess. But I was the one that hid with you to protect your unconcious @ss. Eventhough nobody found us, I'd still say you owe me one!" claims Taskmaster. "Oh, you'll get yours..." counters Deathstroke. "Sweet, we'll work out a payment plan later! But first, let me finish. So that's when things really ramped up! You got Captain Universe against WL Sinestro and Exodus! Phoenix Force Magik versus High Evolutionary and Black Hand! The Serpent and Smaug the Dragon are going at it, while Nul/BW Megatron takes on GL Springer and RL Slag! Both mascots are throwin down too! Even got a little Jedi action when Pre-Op Vader faced off with White Suit Anakin and Indigo Ce Ce Denowai!" adds Taskmaster. "Suit." interupts Deathstroke. "Huh?" asks Taskmaster. "Suit... It's Pre-SUIT Vader. Get it right, dumb@ss." advises Slade. "Whatever man, who's telling this story again? Oh yeah... me. So as I was saying, Pre-OP Vader fought our Force users" says Taskmaster. "Sounds like it was some pretty exciting stuff" comments Deathstroke. "Well, it would've been, but then BOOM!" says Taskmaster. "Boom?' asks Slade. "Big bada boom! You remember what I said about that Firestorm kid? About how he's basically a nuke? Well, those geniuses at the Barkley's decide to unleash their own unstable reactor, Captain Atom himself!" continues Taskmaster "Oooo... bad move." responds Slade. "Right? So naturally, the battle to see who accidentally explodes first is on! I'm not sure who went first, but it doesn't matter. One goes up and it's chain reaction time! Next thing you know, everyone's dusted except you and your loyal and soon to be well paid protector, namely me." concludes Taskmaster. "So... wait a minute... It's already over? I don't have to single-handedly win the match again?" questions a confused Deathstroke. "Done like dinner, homie!" laughs Taskmaster. "No kiddin... wow, that's pretty anti climactic..." states a disappointed Slade. "Not to mention uninspired... but, hey, at least we got to hang out some more, so that's pretty cool, right?" Adds Taskmaster. Slade Wilson tightens his grip on his handgun...

League Wide Vote

Hello my fellow team owners, a few members of the league have expressed concern that the current draft system could become problematic for league equality and fairness. As of right now, we will have a draft lottery like we have in the past, and this alone will decide the draft order, but considering that the teams that did best last year have more resurrection points than those that did not, I see where some may think that this tips the scales. In the spirit of full-disclosure and in consideration that my team would benefit from this proposal passing, I will acknowledge, that I have no problem with the current format and will be voting no on this proposal.

What is being proposed is that there will for this year only (if it passes, we will vote again in the future to see if this change shall remain) two separate draft lotteries. One for the teams that did make the play-offs, and one for the teams that did not. Then, the first pick through the eighth pick will be the eight teams that did not make the play-offs, and pick number nine through sixteen will be the teams that did make the play-offs. The lotteries will still decide what order the picks are made in.

Should this pass, we will hold another vote which will decide whether or not the draft will remain serpentine; but we can cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, we just need one vote from each owner to decide this. Majority rules, a tie will result in no change from the current system.

As always, please feel free to vote right here on the message board or via text or email to myself or one of the other Vice-Commissioners. Also, if you so desire, please feel free to use this message board to make whatever comments you wish for or against this proposal.

Layanderlet's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family Vs. Griswold's Nut-busters

Laya's Squad is Ant Man, Nocturne, Armor, (Kingdom Come) Hawkman, (Kingdom Come) Green Lantern (Alan Scott), Monarch, Warmaster Tsavong Lah, Feral, Nightbird, Decepticon #4, The Lorax, Bendonner, and Reepicheep.

The Nut-busters Squad #1 are Capt. Wacky, Brood Alien #8, Ali Rayner-West, Dark Side Marauder #8, Droid Fighter Ship #20, Sharkticon #32, Sentinel #14, Green Dragon #10, and Smurf #3.


Well, it looks like Joshatu is like still on leave, so he has decided to put me in charge of writing his other round 2 match between The Super Kitties and Nut-busters. Evidently he was like totally wanting an old school MTV VJ; but since Kennedy's got her own show on Fox Business, Kurt Loader is everybody's favorite radio movie critic, Daisy Fuentes is on her way to being the next Kirstie Allie, and Jenny Mcarthy is busy not getting vaccinated he must have thought that I was totally the best girl for the job: JULIE BROWN!! NO NO NO SILLIES.... Not Downtown Julie Brown, the white Julie Brown, from Just Say Julie!!

What do you mean you don't remember that show!??! It was like totally righteous in the 80's and it is like totally relevant now!! Anyways... Let's do this like we did it back in the day on MTV!! And by that, I mean I am going to like totally contrive this match however I see fit, for the simple purpose of making a few music video and pre-grunge music references!! It's gonna be WAY BODACIOUS!!

Oh, here we go. That's Slash from Guns N' Roses playing the guitar riff on this Michael Jackson hit “Beat It”, so I am going to make Ant Man and Smurf #3 tie their wrists together and do a dance/knife fight. This is like soooooooo interesting. Oh, here comes my favorite part , where the King of Pop comes and breaks up the fight. …... ??What?? The King of Pop is dead?? Oh, that's probably why he didn't stop Ant Man from stabbing that poor smurf to death..... Gaaaa-ross. Next I'm going to play that Cher video from “Mermaids” It's like totally in his kiss is what Nightbird the female assassin robot from one episode of Transformers is thinking when she falls madly in love with the mutant hunting robot Sentinel #14. The two massive robots start sucking face and then they decide to NOT get married; but still move in together and live in sin... What?? People don't use that term anymore?? Hmmm, the 21st century is like soooooo weird. Well, anyways; Nightbird and the sentinel fall madly in love thanks to Cher and invite over like a bunch of their friends to their new crib. I mean like Monarch, Tsavong Lah, Armor, Green Dragon #10, Brood Alien #8, and even Nightbird's totally sloppy ex-boyfriend Sharkticon #32 decides to stop by; but then the Cher song ends and I play my favorite punk song, that is totally not punk; but not yet considered alternative, “Burning Down the House” by The Talking Heads (I totally know David Byrne will be friends with them 4-ever). Soooooo, like the whole band shows up and there are a bunch of crappy special effects, and everybody in the house like totally dies in the fire, and I'm like OMIGOD, that is sooooooo sad. That is probably what is going to happen to Madonna once God finds out how much of a whore she is. Which reminds me, I should totally play “Papa Don't Preach”. As the video starts, Alan Scott is so depressed to find out that his son, the mythical giant Bendonner has fallen in love with Dark Side Marauder #8 and that the two of them are going to come out of the closet together and raise their baby The Lorax. Alan Scott is bummed about the social embarrassment of having a gay son; but the two homosexuals decide that they don't care what society says and they do it anyway. Unfortunately, right when dear ol' dad, Alan Scott starts to come around to the idea, the gay couple and their baby in true 80's fashion all die of Aids. Next on the playlist is Aerosmith. And I gotta tell you people, this time around Ali's got a gun. Tell me now it's untrue, it's Ali's last I.O.U.uuuuuuuuu Who. SHE HAD TO TAKE HIM DOWN EASY AND PUT a green energy bullet IN Hawkman's HEADDDDDDDD. But what is unfortunate for Ali, is that she got a really crappy public defender after she killed Hawkman which ended up getting her the gas chamber (remember the gas chamber everybody, cuz we still do that in the 80's). Aerosmith is done, but before I can even press play on the Peter Gabriel tape, Feral picks up a Nightbrother “SLEDGEHAMMER”!!!! And totally wrecks The Droid Fighter Ship. We will then wrap up the 80s, and this total nonsense with the Guns N' Roses Illusions trilogy of November Rain, Estranged, and Don't Cry. Which in essence will just be a naked Capt. Wacky (Jared Pilkinton) sad and brooding in creepy and somewhat grotesque ways after his untimely death at the hands of Nocturne. So long to the one person that actually read this Challenger Explosion size piece of horse vomit, and see ya all in another twenty years!!

Layanderlet's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family Vs. Griswold's Nut-busters

Alex's Squad is Ant Man II, Warpath, M.O.D.O.T., (Kingdom Come) Robotman, Bedovian, Ravager, Heavy, Stass Allie, Wheeljack, Decepticon #5, The Cowardly Lion, Finn McCool, and Aunt May.

The Nut-busters Squad #2 Pepper Potts, Zimm (w/ a green lightsaber), Brood Alien #7, Droid Fighter Ship #19, Sharkticon #31, Sentinel #13, White Dragon #12, and Little Goomba #20.


Good day my friends. As it were, your king Joshatu the Tyrannical has taken a leave of absence to pursue his fellow watcher and moronic clone The Neon Master Pogo back to whatever vacation spot he is attempting to waste his life away at. Apparently your watcher has decided to fore-go his responsibilities to the league in favor of walloping said junior watcher. In his stead he has forcibly snatched me out of your history and laid his duties upon my person. Therefore, I will answer this duty with a truly memorable match of note.

Oh my! Where are my manners? It has come to my attention that I have failed to identify myself. My reputation may precede myself in some circles as the founder of Virginia University, the author of The Declaration of Independence, our great nation's first Secretary of State, Vice President to my dear friend John Adams, and the Third President of These United States... Thomas Jefferson.

Here is how the match shall be told...

“When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for two teams consisting of mythical and non-sensical characters of many types to dissolve the political bands which has left them both remaining in this tournament and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of the tournament's nature and that nature's God entitle them a decent respect to the opinions of me, requires that they should declare the causes which impel one of the team's deaths.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that these two teams are not created equal, that one of them must not leave this match alive, and that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are winning the match, losing the match, or dying in it.-- That to secure these rights watchers are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the team owners. That whenever any form of Dark Side Marauder or Droid Fighter Ship becomes destructive of these ends that it is the right of Transformers to abolish these characters. And to institute a yellow lantern to destroying the foundations of a sentinel and goomba alike. With principle, the power of Alexandra DeWitt was organized in such form as to Ravager, M.O.D.O.T., and Heavy whose prudent death effected their safety and happiness. Warpath, indeed shall dictate that Brood Aliens and White Dragons long established should be killed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that Zimm is more disposed to suffer while Stass Allie's lightsaber is in his chest than to right themselves by killing more than The Cowardly Lion and Finn McCool with Stark Tech that they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object envinces a design to absolutely reduce a Decepticon (#5), it is their right, their duty to throw off such Sharkticon, and to provide new guards for their security against DeWitt and Potts once Aunt May is dead. Such has been the patient sufferance of these Super Kitties; and such is now the necessity that which constrains them to alter their former system of game plan. The history of The present Nut-busters is a repeated history of injuries, usurpations, and losses, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute loss in this match. To prove this, let this fact be submitted to a candid world...

Unlucky 13 Round 2

The winners of Round 1 will all recieve an additional 5 Resurrection Points, and a Fiat CR.42.

The match-ups for Round 2 are...

-Layanderlet's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family (Alex's Squad) Vs. Griswold's Nut-busters (Squad #2)
-The Sisterhood of Traveling Midgets (Squad #2) Vs. The Royal Highness
-Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions Vs. The Horsemen of Apokolips
-Layanderlet's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family (Laya's Squad) Vs. Griswold's Nut-busters (Squad #3)

The winners of Round 2 will recieve 7 Resurrection Points and a Bell P-63 KingCobra.

Good Luck to all!!

Unlucky 13: Turrible Decisions Vs. Midgets

Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions(Squad #2) are: Black Widow, Magma, Shaki merged w/Shao Khan, Kingdom Come Blue Beetle, Red Lantern Jeff Houslander, Bizarro Supergirl, Losho Yik, Mara Jade, Cliff Jumper, Junkeon #7, and Treasure Troll #20.

The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets(Squad#2) are: Glom, Longshot, Toad, Blue and Green Lantern Hal Jordan, Star Saphirre #5, Eclipso, Jeer Dextron, Jedi Master #33A, Sharkticon #37, Vampire #100, Stratos, and Mokey.

"Sigh, I guess I'm just not feeling this one." mutters Longshot to himself as he wanders Gobotron aimlessly. He isn't paying attention and walks between the lightsaber duel of Losho Yik and Jeer Dextron. He is miraculously unharmed, although the two Force users are not as lucky and simultaneously run each other through. He looks around and sees Mara Jade cut down Jedi Master #33A in the distance. She quickly runs to aid Cliff Jumper against Sharkticon #37, the latter of whom had just finished consuming Junkeon #7. Cliff Jumper shoots Sharkticon #37 with his glass gas gun, and Mara Jade shatters the now brittle Decepticon with a single blow. "Take that Decepti-creep! Thanks lady!" says Cliff Jumper. They head to what seems to be the main event raging not too far away. This battle features Skadi merged with Shao Khan, KFC Blue Beetle, and Magma versus Eclipso, Toad, Glom, Star Saphirre #5, and Vampire #100. The mascots wisely decide to stay back and cheer on their respective teams from a distance. A shot rings out and Toad's head explodes, courtesy of a high caliber bullet fired by a hidden, sniping Black Widow. The giant headed Glom has finished off eating the energy rich form of Magma, and now is drawn to Shao Khan's hammer. Glom imbibes a good amount of power, but then feels odd due to the conflicting energies within him. Another expert shot from Black Widow takes him out, and his oversaturated body explodes, taking KFC Blue Beetle and Vampire #100 with him. Cliff Jumper and Mara Jade finally reach the battle. Eclipso begins to laugh. "Your friends can't help you now! Your only chance against me was your hammer being at full power, which is no longer the case!" sneers Eclipso. The Star Saphirre #5 uses the power of her ring to hold the... Barkleys(?)... Decisions(?)... um... Turribles(?)... eh, screw it. Eclipso blasts them all with his gem and they are toast.

A still moping Longshot has choosen to sit on the battlefield. The mutant is unscathed as metal rains down from above by a destroyed Stratos, due to it's literal run-in with Bizarro Supergirl. Blue/Green Lantern Hal Jordan spots Longshot, and the hope filled warrior decides to hang out. "Beautiful day, eh Longshot?" asks Hal. "Meh, I suppose... I think it's this planet. It such a cheap knock off, and I'm starting to wonder about what we do..." he trails off, lost in thought. "Cheer up pal! Things always turn out! Take me for instance. wasn't getting a whole lot done, then BAM! I see a Red Lantern and it's on! Took him out with a lil blue energy and he's done! I think he said his name was Jeff Homeearther or something like that. Don't worry, you'll get your chance to shine!" encourages Hal. "I think you mean Houslander, not Homeearther. Bad move dude. You know that guy's related to our owner, right?" asks Longshot. Before B/G Lantern Hal can consider the consequences of his kill, Bizarro Supergirl flies to the pair of Midgets. "Bizarro friends." says Bizarro Supergirl. As he is unaware of the nature of Bizarro-speak, B/G Lantern Hal takes it as a compliment. "Awwww, thanks Kara! That's awfully sweet of you! I know I shouldn't do this, but since we're friends, I'll gladly clear up that nasty infection on your face. But keep it to yourself, people might not like different teams getting together like this!" says B/G Hal. He attempts to use the healing power of his blue ring, but instead the ring destroys Bizarro Supergirl. "Um, that wasn't supposed to happen... Sorry Kara..." laments B/G Hal. Dammit! It's always the same. Fighting and dying... so pointless... IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" yells Longshot as he angrily throws one of his knives into the air randomly. "Hey man, it's not so bad. Sure, fighting and dying can be kind of a bummer, but is it really that different from what people do in everyday life? At least we're guaranteed to have some awesome adventures along the way! Trust me Longshot, all will be well!" encourages B/G Hal.

KA-POW!!!

The shot rings out from Black Widow's rifle and B/G Hal doesn't have a chance. "Do suidaniya, you womanizing dog." comments Natasha Romanov to herself as she reloads. "Now for you comrade Longshot." she says as his head is almost in her sights. Just then, Longshot's previously thrown knife lands in the Widow's spine, making her jerk her rifle and improbably snipe Treasure Troll #20. The nearby Fraggle Mokey is spooked by the shot, and she runs frantically until she accidentally trips and falls into a pit. Longshot is amazed by the unlikely chain of events and a small smile rises to his lips. "Ok, maybe things like that make it worth it." he says to himself grinning.

Unlucky 13: The Traveling Sisterhood of Midgets vs. Layanderlett's Super Orange Kitties and Cats Living Together to Make a New Family

"The True Midgets" are: Wasp, Widdle Wade (w/ magnoguard staff), Arsenal, G' Kd, Ras Al Ghul, Nog, Bultar Swan, Wheelie, Mouse Voltron, Black Lantern Ryan Poteracki, Sgt. "Scout" Masterson, Teek.

"Laya's Team" is: Ant Man, Nocturne, Armor, (Kingdom Come) Hawkman, (Kingdom Come) Alan Scott, Monarch, Warmaster Tsavong Lah, Feral, Nightbird, Decepticon #4, The Lorax, Bendonner, and Reepicheep (The swashbuckling mouse from the Narnia movies).

  The Midgets and The Super Orange Kitties and Cats were sharing a few uncanny coincidences, as though an unseen force was guiding them for the sake of the plot. Both squads were searching a long-abandoned Gobot machine shop for resources. Tailored to their cyborg needs, the facility was an eerie combination of hospital and garage, with urban decay amplifying the disturbing nature. In time, the teams found their way to a pair of enormous security doors on opposite ends of the basement, separated by the room between them. Despite having lightsabers, Lantern rings, and a giant Scotsman, neither team could break through. If there was one thing the Guardian Gobots knew, it was how to guard things. Both groups came to the same conclusion: the smallest member of their squad would have to navigate the narrow ventilation ducts and find a way to open the doors from inside. Ant Man set off first, with Wasp coming from the other side a short time after. As they neared their destination, they heard each other's tiny footsteps echo through the metal tunnels. "Who's there?" Ant Man called nervously.  "I'm warning you, I'm very big for my size!"

   "...Hank, we both know that's not true."

   "Janet! Thank god, I was worried you were another hallucination. You're not, right?"

   "If only. Where are you? I can hardly see in here, for all I know I'm walking in circles."

   "Just follow my voice, I think I finally see an exit!" Ant Man made his way down the duct and found a vent to slip through. He searched the room and quickly found a power switch, and generators in the room sputtered back to life after years of disuse. The room lit up, and at its center an operating table covered in mechanical apparatuses rose from the ground. Unfortunately, as the lights started up, so did the fans. A powerful current gusted through the ducts, catching Wasp by the wings and sucking her in to the heavy-duty exhaust fan. "Hello? Right this way. You almost here Janet?" Ant Man shouted into the vent, unaware of his victory. "Huh... guess she really was a hallucination after all." He turned his attention back to the room and noticed that either wall without a reinforced door was covered in control panels and compartments of some kind, which he operated and unlocked easily. The contents fascinated him: Half-assembled Gobots held in stasis, incomplete masses of flesh and machinery. If there was one thing the Guardian Gobots knew, it was how to create twisted abominations out of people and household appliances. Pym also dabbled in creating horrible robots from time to time, and the urge overwhelmed him. He pulled a specimen to the operating table and began his experiment.

   The teams outside the doors grew impatient as time passed. Just when it seemed they would have to abandon their posts, the tremendous barricades began sliding open in layers of doors. As the last pair of doors opened, Ant Man's new creation was revealed. Bits and pieces of Gobot limbs and torsos were patched together to create a giant cyborg ant, and Ant Man sat atop it like a horse. "Isn't it amazing?" he called to his team. "I haven't settled on a name. I'm thinking 'Pym-Mobile'." He flipped a switch on the back of the Ant-Bot's head and it powered up. Immediately, the creature began screeching in horror at its own existence and thrashing violently. "Who could have seen this coming?" Ant Man cried. "I'm usually so good at these things!" It bucked Ant Man from its back and sent him crashing into the opposing crowd, where he was shot in the head by Arsenal. The ant, however, was still rampaging against life itself and trampled Nog, Teek, and Sgt. Masterson. The conflict erupted and both teams converged to fight in the now open Gobot maternity ward. Black Lantern Ryan shot a chainsaw from his ring and cut down The Lorax, and Alan Scott stepped forward to challenge the Black Lantern. Ryan tried to cut through the aging Lantern's armor, but his experience made him far too powerful and he bashed Ryan's undead head in with a green light morning star. Across the room, the rampaging ant monster had Widdle Wade in its arm-mandible's grip and was beginning to crush his rib cage. W.W. defiantly began to ram his Electrostaff into the ant's forehead until it cracked his exoskeleton, jamming it in a fleshy bit. Knowing he would die from his injury, Wade stopped the beast for good with a deadly electrical burst from his staff, giving himself an honorable death in the process.

   Armor was having a considerably less honorable death as Gk'd shattered her shield and sternum, in that order, with a projected drill. Before he could celebrate his own validity as a corpsman, he was skewered by Hawkman's spear. He flung the Lantern off and turned to Ra's al Ghul, sensing his power. As their battle raged, a smaller battle raged at their feet. The pilots of Mouse Voltron chased Reepicheep across the room, enjoying the cat-like predatory sensation for a change. Once they tired of their game, they effortlessly finished the Narnian with a homing missile before stopping by Wheelie. The Autobot was firing his slingshot at Bendonner in the best biblical homage he could manage; however, Bendonner was a mighty Scotsman, and he shrugged off the shots before crushing Wheelie and Mouse Voltron with a powerful stomp. Feral and Tsavong Lah teamed up against Butlar Swan, who was having trouble multitasking the skilled foes. In desperation, she rammed her lightsaber through Feral, leaving herself open to a decapitation from Tsavong Lah. The battle between Ra's and Hawkman's drew to an end as the immortal's patient focus gave him the upper hand in the commotion. He flung the blood from his blade and saw that his forces had been thinned considerably. He joined Arsenal for a final stand and drew the attention of the enemy. Arsenal used the diversion to quickly fling adhesive explosives to the backs of Decepticon #4 and Monarch before detonating them remotely. Forgetting the golden rule that cool guys don't look back at explosions, Arsenal was distracted long enough for Nightbird to smack him into the air with her nunchaku, breaking his spine in half. Beyond hope, Ra's turned to face his fate, knowing it would never be final. The Demon's Head always grows back.

Griswold's Nut-busters Vs. The Waiver Wire Squad

Griswold's Nut-busters (Squad #2) are Pepper Potts (w/ rescue armor), Zimm (w/ green lightsaber), Brood Alien #7, Alexandra Dewitt, Dark Side Marauder #7, Droid Fighter Ship #19, Sharkticon #31, Sentinel #13, White Dragon #12, amd Little Goomba #20.

The Waiver Wire Squad is Kree Soldier #7, King Tut, Jedi Master #1A, Jedi Master #2A, Go-bot #1, Go-bot #2, Elmo, Zombie #2, Death Adder Jr. and Ewok Child #1.


Hi everybody, I'm not sure how I got here, but I'm your host for today's match, Pat Benatar!! Remember me, from the 80'?? I was HOTT back then; which basically makes me like 5 beers out, kinda bone-able nowadays. But anyways, these two STELLAR teams have both put up their dukes, now let's get down to it!! As this skirmish begins, White Dragon #12 shows me that love isn't the only battlefield, Gobotron is too, as he makes hell for Ewok Children by eating Ewok Child #1, and then uses its frost breath to take out Zombie #2. Oh, wait the dragon isn't done yet. You Better Run Elmo because the frost breath of that dragon just created the newest Christmas sensation “Shiver Me Elmo”, yeah, that muppet's dead now. Oh well, Suffer the Little Children again. But Death Adder Jr. gets some revenge for his waiver wire homeboys and chops the neck of the white dragon clean off “We Belong” in this league screams Death Adder's son from the beginner version of Golden Axe. King Tut takes his Precious Time squashing Little Goomba #20, While the two Go-bots take advantage of their home field by surprise attacking the All Fired Up Sharkticon and Sentinel and destroying their sparks. Alexandra Dewitt and The Droid Fighter Ship make an elusive run like Shadows of the Night to Live for Love by killing the two Go-bots (okay, I admit it, that one made no sense whatsoever). Pepper Potts flies in with her armor and blasts the Too Long a (Kree) Soldier (#7) to pieces. The Brood Alien, then eats King Tut and dies of over-eating stomach expansion... What a Heartbreaker. The two Jedi Masters kill the dark side marauder and then get ready to make their final stand; but are destroyed by the trio of DeWitt, Potts, and Zimm with his lightsaber. The last member of the waiver wire team, Death Adder Jr. blasts Zimm with his goofy balled up magic; but then Alexandra DeWitt uses her ring to channel the piece of s**t that is this match into an actual ball of feces which lands directly on the head of the 6' 6” Axe Wielder. The loser of this match is YOU for reading this entire flaming turd, and the winner is...

Unlucky 13: Horsemen vs. Midgets

The Horsemen of Apokolips are: Taskmaster w/Indy's whip, Exodus, High Evolutionary, Firestorm(Jason Rousch), White Lantern Sinestro, Deathstroke w/Luke's lightsaber, White suit Anakin, Ce Ce Denowi w/ Indigo Lantern ring, Springer w/Green Lantern ring, Slag w/Red Lantern Ring, Black Hand, Smaug the Dragon, and Fry Guy #3.

The Traveling Sisterhood of Evil Midgets are: Black Knight(Age of Apocalypse), Cyclops, Azazel, Larvox, Deadshot, Pre Visla w/Darksaber and Mandalorian Armor, Oppo Rancisis, Twincast, Decible, Legout, Black Lantern Sinestro, Hermes, and Nick Nack.

"..... ADE!!! ..... LADE! ..... SLADE!!! GET UP!!! C'mon man, even Wade regenerates faster than this!" shouts Taskmaster. Deathstroke looks around to get his bearings. The carnage is enough to give even a seasoned killer like him pause, albeit a slight one. The Gobotron building he last remembers himself inside has been reduced to a single wall. Various pieces of metal litter the area, and the scent of death permeates everything. Bodies, brains and blood are strewn about, and Slade Wilson thinks that maybe he was better off remaining unconcious.

"What happened?' asks Deathstroke. "You took one helluva shot there, buddy! How much do you remember?" inquires Taskmaster. "Not much... my head is still ringing." replies Slade. "I'll fill you in the best I can, but we don't have a lot of time. We... we were doomed from the start. As soon as we got to this planet, everyone just started acting... weird." states Taskmaster. "Weird? Horsemen don't act weird. I thought we were better than that." counters Deathstroke. "That's what I thought too, but lo and behold... weird. Started with White Lantern Sinestro destroying The Black Hand's Black Lantern ring, then he brought the guy back to life. I'm sure he figured he was helping, but as soon as Black Hand came to, the guy freaks out and jumps off the nearest cliff!" explains Taskmaster. "I knew Hand was a little off, but damn." responds Slade. "Right? Then The High Evolutionary and Smaug the Dragon left together and never came back. I have a theory about that one, though!" waxes Taskmaster. "Not another one of your hair-brained theories. This should be good..." says Slade. "See, The Evolutionary was talking to Smaug about reaching the next level or something. So Smaug agrees and off they go. ...You ever hear of Wundagore Mountain?" asks Taskmaster. "No. Is there a point to this?" questions Deathstroke. "Check it out. Legend has it that a bunch of human/animal hybrids live up there, all made by The High Evolutionary. Dude... I think he f*cks animals..." claims Taskmaster. "So, I figure he put the dragon-man whammy on Smaug and tried to put the moves on him! Smaug ain't feeling it, so he kills The Evolutionary. Then takes a shame related dive off the same cliff the Black Hand jumped from!" concludes Taskmaster. "Sounds pretty hard to believe." says Slade. "I know it sounds crazy, but it's the best I could come up with. Anyway, that transforming chopper we had patrolling overhead starts firing everything it's got. The Midgets sent almost everyone on some kinda suicide run. A few stayed behind, but that's it. Next thing you know, our helicopter comes crashing through the ceiling and it's on like neckbone, brother! Between the lasers, lightsabers and Lantern rings, I couldn't see sh*t! I saw you get knocked out by some of the ceiling debris, so I followed suit and played dead." explains Taskmaster. "You're a disgrace." chides Deathstroke. "Hey, at least I'm still alive! Besides, there wasn't much I was going to do against giant robots and space cops and sh*t... Gimme a break, bro." says Taskmaster. "So the battle rages on, and toward the horizon they go. Next thing you know, that kid Firestorm blows up and KA-BOOSH! Everyone gets vaporized! Can you believe someone was actually stupid enough to kill him in a crowd? He's like a walking nuclear bomb! Frankly, I dont' even like being around him... he kinda freaks me out." adds Taskmaster. "So just to be clear, everyone else is dead?" asks Slade. "Yup, well... on our side, at least. So, here's the plan: We get the f*ck out of Dodge while we still have a chance." says Taskmaster. "Retreat? Are you out of your mind?!? No way. Don't you remember what he did to Green Ranger Tommy?" counters Deathstroke with a rare hint of sadness in his voice. "Relax Slade. I mean, it's the off-season. The punishment won't be that severe, right? assures Taskmaster. Deathstroke still isn't going for the escape plan and shakes his head. "Suit yourself. If you do wise up and decide to leave, watch out. I think Cyclops and Deadshot are having some kind of sniper competition." advises Taskmaster before he carefully makes his escape. There are a few tense minutes, but Deathstroke eventually hears the echo of the inevitable killshot.

"Heh. Got 'em. That's 2-1, Summers." says Deadshot. "This isn't a competition, Lawton." replies Cyclops. "Suuuure it's not." retorts Deadshot. Cyclops, Deadshot, Oppo Rancisis, and Nick Nack are hunkered down in a building not far from The Horsemens' now nearly destroyed base of operations. "Pretty ballsy sending almost everyone over there to attack. I like it." comments Deadshot. "It seemed like our only successful course of action. And when I was certain Oppo's Jedi battle meditation was working on them, I knew we had to strike hard." explains Cyclops. "Hell yeah, that battle meditation did the trick! Those guys seem like they dark impulses to begin with, but they reeeeeally started acting weird. I heard one of 'em even F*cked that dragon!" laughs Deadshot. "That's purely speculation." counters Cyclops. "Listen Cyke, I know Slade, and he's smart enough to figure out when he's screwed. He's not going anywhere. I say we send Nick Nack over there to give Wilson a chance to surrender. Otherwise we'll be here for weeks." suggests Deadshot. "When you put it like that, I suppose it could work. Worst case scenario, we'll still be ahead." ponders Cyclops. "Ok, Nick Nack, you know what to do." orders Summers. The dimunitive Bond villain nods and heads to the wall that Deathstroke is hidden behind. A long minute passes, and the silence is broken by shattering glass. The sword impaled corpse of Nick Nack lands in the Midgets building with a note attached. Deadshot looks at the note and smiles. "See Summers, I told you Slade's no fool. The note says "sure." reads Deadshot. "Lawton, you idiot. Unfold the note completely." says an observant Cyclops. "Oh..." says a slightly embarassed Deadshot. He reads the entire message in horror. "It says "No surrender...." mumbles a stunned Deadshot before the explosives attached to Nick Nack's corpse kills the remaining Midgets.

Deathstoke uses binoculars to make sure his prey is terminated, and is pleased with his results. He dials a number on his phone. "Hello. ... Yes, of course I get reception on Gobotron. ... Yes, of course I got the job done. I'm simply calling to let you know that I will be asking double my normal rate. ... I'm glad you see things my way. I'll have my invoice sent right away. Enjoy your evening." concludes Slade Wilson as he hangs up the phone.

The Season 7 Draft List

1. Any 4 Star Wars Characters, any 2 Star Wars Vehicles, and any 2 Star Wars Weapons.
2. Any 4 Marvel Characters, any 1 Marvel Vehicle, and any 1 Marvel Weapon.
3. Any 4 D.C. Characters, any 1 D.C. Vehicle, and any 1 D.C. Weapon.
4. 1 Star Wars Character, 1 Marvel Character, and 1 D.C. Character.
5. 3 Random Characters Marvel Grab Bag.
6. 3 Random Characters D.C. Grab Bag.
7. 3 Random Characters Star Wars Grab Bag.
8. 1 Black Lantern (from the Graveyard).
9. 1 Zombie (from the Graveyard).
10. 1 Vampire (from the Graveyard).
11. 1 Black Lantern, 1 Zombie, and 1 Vampire (from the graveyard).
12. The Shadow (25).
13. 50 Resurrection Points and 1 Retired Vehicle.
14. The Question (25).
15. 25 Resurrection Points.
16. Animal Man (30).
17. Sunfire (33).
18. Makileth the Acursed and Kurse (40 each, 72 for the pair).
19. Balder (39).
20. Uriel and Eimen (40 each, 72 for the pair).
21. The Green Goblin (Norman Osborne (32).
22. Justice League Dark: John Constantine, Black Orchid, Madame Xanadu, Pandora, Nightmare Nurse, and Zatanna (27 each, 70 for the team).
23. All 3 versions of Fantomex: Weapon XIII, Fantomex, and Cluster (30 each, 55 for Fantomex and Cluster together).
24. The Vampire Lestat (24).
25. Marvel Man, Marvel Woman, and Young Marvel Man (44, 40, 36, 100 for all 3).
26. Nova (Sam Alexander (35)).
27. The Lone Wolf (18).
28. The Aquabats: The M.C. Bat Commander, Crash McLarson, Jimmy the Robot, Ricky Fitness, Eagle “Bones” Falconhawk, Gumby, Nacho, and The Baron Von Tito (4, 13 for all).
29. Fakor (36).
30. Rasputin (6).

Auxiliary Draft (1 each will be taken with your off list pick).

1. Any 2 Vampires from the league (team owners).
2. Josh Houslander: Samurai Warrior.
3. Black Lantern Chris Seney.
4. Luchador Assassin Chris Seney, w/ his apprentice Jackson and El Barko.
5. Zombie Chris Seney.
6. BronyBecks (3).
7. Anus: The Touchable.
8. Detective Christian Walker and Detective Deena Pilgrim (7 each, 12 for pair).
9. Jesus and Nagan (7 each, 12 for pair).
10. Arnold Schwarzenegger
11. Build Your Own Character.
12. Build Your Own Team (up to 4 characters).
13. Dave Parks (6).
14. Jake and The Neverland Pirates w/ their new medic: Doc McStuffins.
15. Jarnborn
16. ICP: Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope (5 each, 8 for the duo).

Hiatus List: The following characters cannot be taken as off list characters in any variation for the next three seasons (except for a (very) few incarnations that have already been pre-approved for certain team owners (you know who you are)). This is not permanent, it is simply done by request of owners, who feel that the league is overrun with certain character incarnations (this does not pertain to their black lantern, zombie, or vampire incarnation if they have not already been selected (in most cases they have)). Here is the list...

-Hal Jordan
-Kyle Rayner
-Guy Gardner
-Sinestro
-Anakin Skywalker
-Superman
-Batman
-Leia Organa
-Luke Skywalker
-Cyclops
-Jean Grey
-Wolverine
-Darth Maul
-Gandalf
-Supergirl
-Nightwing
-Flamebird
-Superboy
-Deadpool

And, if anybody else can think of any other character that they think should be added to this list, than please let me know and they will be.